Chubby Behemoth - Don't Kick The Milk

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://punchup.live/samtallent     Sponsors: Factor - Use code chubby50off to get 50% off your first box, plus Free Breakfast for 1 year at http://FactorMeals.com/chubby50off     CashApp - Download Cash App today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http:///cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.     Chubbies - Chubbies is here to keep you comfy & looking good year-round. Get 20% off with code chubby at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/chubby #chubbiespod     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all together remotely. Sam tells the fellas about his movie date with Pat, wonders how many patties were party, and wants to know if he happened to us. Nathan realized why Sam likes the poorly rated movies on rotten tomatoes, tells us about his milk disaster, and reminds the boys that Boston will be St. Patricks weekend.     00:00 He's Already In Trouble 02:54 Date Tonight 05:25 All About Quiet Film 07:59 Fuddruckers Breakthroughs 09:43 Bringing Joy And Life 13:34 Stripe The Glass 15:42 Thought It Had A 98 17:39 Mental Note 19:32 Saved You The Movie 20:58 It Just Said Dog 22:36 Slime Era 27:50 One In One Out 28:26 National Award 32:34 Taffy Man 34:17 The Repercussions 36:10 It's Going Under The Car 38:03 The Dumpster Looks Insane 41:21 My Mantra 44:34 Fat Skinwalkers 50:21 Wanted To Wait 51:55 No Internet 53:50 Don't Be A Hero 55:38 Good News In A Crazy World 57:09 Will We Survive? 59:51 What's Going On In Trinidad 01:01:39 Its Not A Bank Holiday 01:03:21 The Young Composer     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   MORE WIDE WORLD: @SamTallent   Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1

I can't smoke. Oh, boo. I can lean off. What's that? I can lean off, but wait like 20 minutes. Yeah, I don't want to get you in trouble. I just don't want to get you in trouble. No, I don't hear you.

Who's that, Devin Davis? It's Mike, my buddy Mike. You hanging out with Devin Davis and you're not telling us? No, I went straight to Mike's house after being in the Springs because it made more sense than going home and coming back here tomorrow. Now, Mike has kind of been your waypoint, Lund. You with us? Yeah, I'm doing stuff for the pod.

You wouldn't know about it, but I'm getting our sponsors ready to read. You're playing hearts, aren't you? You're playing Old Maid or Gin Rummy. It's a very important game because the computer mouthed off. It cheats. You want to fix it. Yeah, sheets. We figured it out.

I do play a lot of, mostly it's been Yotsie and Farkel on my phone. With some gin rummy thrown in and you can create. You play this guy Bill, and he's the guy that made the website, and he's got black hair. So he's like super smart. Black mustache. Yeah, he's a tech genius. So if you can beat him, you're like, it's like you're beating Deep Blue. You're really good at Yatzee.

It's like you're beating Deep Roy at Park Hall. Being hilarious. Yeah, right. Impossible. But you get to pick your, you get to, oh yeah, I forgot about the top. You forget. You pick your, you can make your own character. And I realize that the best revenge is to make my character look exactly like Bill.

Because then it's like a fuck you, you know, who's who. If I lose, don't I kind of win? Because I'm Bill. So that's, what a glimpse into your mind. Yeah. I've been losing it. This is like a Rochart test. This is perfect.

I'm Roershack. So what is Bill look like? He doesn't look like your dad, does he? Doesn't look like Rick Lund. I'll show you. Ron Creech. He's going to show us the Bill schematics, everybody. Little Bill.

Kind of like a Pringles man, sort of? Yeah, similar Pringles. Albanian or Italian of some kind of swarthy descent. Yeah. I don't know if I should show that. Same as you being cautious about Emily's law degree. Yeah, we don't want to get. doxed. So that's the big issue. You know, you give away too many of your bill secrets. Next thing you know,

people are making fake bill accounts. They're tricking you into honey pots where, hey, Bill's coming over, the real bill. Why don't you fly down to San Antonio and you can play him face to face? He kind of looks like Kobo's. Oh, yeah, if Kobos had a perfectly round spheroid dome. Speaking of Kobos, the other half of that podcast, Tim and I went on a date tonight. We went walked down to a little theater, saw a little movie, send help. You guys heard of this? Yeah, how was it? It helps me understand the movie a lot better tonally when I remembered that Sam Ramey was involved.

Right. That was the main reason I was thinking I might be able to handle it. Yeah, I don't know. There's not a lot of like, I mean, there's a lot of brutality. I mean, she pukes on his head while she's trying to give him mouth to mouth at one point. That might have been the worst part. She just pukes right into his gaping, drowned mouth. Because he just poisoned her.

Spoiler alert, you know. You think they're going to get along? Well, I got different news. It's not called send a barbershop quartet. It's called send help. Yeah, it's not called send a big old chocolate cake. We're booking Mo Alexander. It's called send help.

But both of them are very good in the film. There was some like real fucked up parts. And the people who live in my neighborhood would laugh at those parts. me and Pat just kind of looked at each other like, what the fuck are they on about? What's their deal? Yeah. That was, uh, that was weapons here. They were obviously, uh, building tension most of the time.

And then some things were supposed to be silly. But these, the people around us were laughing at a lot of stuff that there wasn't, it wasn't funny. Yeah. I think that it came down to everyone hates their boss very much. because it's a big like fuck your boss type movie she's trapped with her boss on an island that's in the trailer that's not giving anything away you're my boss so this all sounds correct yeah you would have been laughing just like they did you guys would have been cackling like hens revenge of the working class

yeah it was a bunch of worms and they were they know they have their own disagreements at work and they took them to the theater and they were like oh yeah fuck is that i was about to is this the same loud theater where they play the movie is extra, extra screaming? Very, very loud. Nice. Very loud. Yeah, it flabbergasted pat to a certain degree.

I couldn't believe it. Yeah, Greeley's the opposite where it's real low so that nobody gets mad. This is ridiculous. I'm going to be deaf after this. I got to get back to Garden City and I don't want to have to put my blinders on. Yeah, Greeley's all about quiet film, you know. A lot of it has subtitles. They have that great French film.

film house up there in Greeley. Yeah. I was telling me that like this guy from the Middle East went to Greeley and like wrote about his time in America, but it was all based in his time in Greeley.

And then he said that the guys who did 9-11 read that and it like kind of was a precursor to make them want to destroy like how awful this place was. Whoops. So I guess Greeley kind of did 9-11. Greeley quiffed it. Queef of the week.

Greeley in 2001. I think Greeley for like all of the 90s until today has been winning Queef of the Week nationally. Oh yeah. In the mix. It's like if your girlfriend ate a bunch of clam chowder and then rode her bike 50 miles. That's how it smells up there. And it's so much better now.

And I don't know if it's that they moved all the yards or I smoked it on my head. Yeah. Pat moved out. Dude, I have such a clear memory of finishing hockey and walking out of there, like, exhausted, like winded, and walking off the rink and getting to, like, the foyer and opening the first doors and then just dry heaving. Tell me more about this memory. Yeah, dude, Greeley was so fucking gross. It was, I was, like, probably 12 or 13 years old playing travel hockey for the first time. And, dude, my dad laughed so fucking hard.

leaving a teenage locker room, right? Like puberty in the walls. And I was a goalie. So I was wearing a monkey suit that got washed once a year. Yeah. And some of the worst smells. Yeah. My best friend's dad kept a suburban that he didn't use just to drive us to and from hockey practicing.

Because his older son and his friends and my best friend, Gike and me, ruined it. Like, there was nothing you could do to get the smell of ball sack out of that car. It was permanent. I guarantee it still smells like that. My hockey pads still stink. When your father laughed, how did that make you feel? Oh, I thought it was funny because it was like, it was like when you stub a toe.

It wasn't like the worst thing ever had happened. I knew it was funny in the moment. And then he was just like, yeah, it's pretty bad here. Can you imagine living here? These fucking idiots and I was like jogging to the car while I'm like drool puking. Oh, it sucked. And then we went to Fuddruckers. I do remember we went to Fudd.

That might have been the last time I got to go to a Colorado Fud Ruckers. And see, that's a breakthrough. I just realized looking at this that I look like I'm a therapist. I was just showing everyone how easy it would be to be a therapist to just go. And when your father chuckled that day, now can you, do you associate negative memories with Fud Ruckers? No, I love a Fuddruckers, man Maybe that's the last time you went to Fud Ruckers

It's because it reminds you of your dad's Wicked laughter Oh, I think it's because they went some variety of Chaptering bankruptcy And closed almost all of their locations You can do a really good professor X in there They let you choose the size of the bun and the meat You can go huge

You'd love it Now who's creating breakthroughs Where are you talking about? Fudruckers Oh, yeah. Fuddruckers, you'd order by like the third pound, but it went psycho. Like they'd give you a fucking three or five pound burger if you wanted it. I saw a guy have six patties once.

Yeah, it was all stacked up like Dagwood. One day, one day I'll be a man. And that was an option too. You could get a Dagwood or you could get like a giant facacia shaped burger bun. I never saw that model. They had both. And I think maybe the ficasha burger bun only went up to like 10 inches. No wonder they went bankrupt.

They're giving people Fagasha burger buns on their five-pound patties. Oh, yeah. What do they cost? I don't know. It was so cheap. $12. It was like a go-to after a sporting event in Denver because you could feed everybody's kids. And it wasn't a hassle who paid.

Well, I know they were still opening Fuddruckers Christmas Eve, 1990, because, of course, my wife was conceived after a visit to a Fud Ruckers. So they were going strong. They were bringing joy. way and life into this world. Hell yeah, man. I get it. You have a three-pound burger. You're loaded up for business.

Man, I wonder if my father-in-law, RIP, my beloved Dan, I wonder if he was all fucked up on a Dagwood six, six patty when he screamed my wife into her mother. Emmy's going to hear this. Emmy, what do you think? How many patties did old Dan take down that night before he wrecked the red roof in in Flint, Michigan? You think you wouldn't think you wouldn't stack, Deb?

He doesn't drive off the road. She just drives into the lake right now. She's going to bust that doctor's license over your head. Yeah, she's going to go be a mermaid IRL. Hey, everybody, here's from Sam T dates. Boston, March 13th, 14th, Blast Boston, get those tickets so we can stay and be there for the St. Patrick's Day parade and get completely tanked. And our wives can't be mad. Crystal Bay, Nevada.

380 people sit in that room. 23 tickets have been sold. That's Thursday, March 26th, for now. But I will for sure be at Cobb's Comedy Club Friday, March 27th and March 28th. That will be a banger. Come out and see that. Punchline, Houston, Atlanta, Helium, Witsen Comedy Club, Baton Rouge, Lafayette. Zanis, I'm doing Thursday, Friday, Saturday at Zanis, Rosemont, May 14, 15, 16th.

And then going downtown. We're going to be downtown for the 18th and 19th. Old town. And then Madison, Wisconsin, Grand Rapids just added, we got so many great dates. I'll go back to the mothership. Hey, get your tickets. And also, please, I wanted to bring this up in the regular episode,

but I forgot. This is the regular episode, right? Yes. Yeah. Me and Joe Hatfield from Wide World and Van Eggers have made a comic book called Hatchets Exhumed. It's available at www.2.2-big-fail. and we're raising money to help my buddy Van and his dad with legal fees because they got in trouble for assault on a police officer. So I know how many of you just would love to get behind this cause.

20 bucks. We got to sell a thousand books so him and his dad don't go to jail for a long time. It was a valid cause. He told me not to talk too much about why, but I would have done the same thing. So would you. And I hope you would. Hell. So yeah, get that comic book.

It's a cool comic book about revenge. And then there's an unpublished short story in there. I wrote both of them, Van Drew, one of them. Joe put it all together. Too big to fail. Dot Press. Thank you. Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth.

Five bucks a month gets you four extra episodes on top of the four you already get. So if you're looking to double down on Chubby B, Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth, tell them, Baco sent you. Hey, I forgot. Colorado Springs. I'm coming home. Looney's Comedy Corner, the closest comedy club to where I grew up, my exact home address.

I will be giving away my parents' home address at Looney's Comedy Quarter. I think March 22nd and 23rd, right there in Colorado Spring. I think it's the 20th and the 21st. 20th and 21st, yes. Becker will be there for sure. Lund will be there.

I bet Carlos will be there. The whole crew, I bet Max Weigle will drift in. Geik, no, no. Not Geike. Oh, Gike's coming. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, guys, you should come out and you can see Becker will be giving guided tours of, you know, the Broadmoor.

That'd be, hey, Becker, see if you know anyone who can get us a hotel room with the Broadmoor. That'd be cool. Huh. Yeah, but they got all fucked up on giant burgers and, like, I remember Floodruckers had killer milkshakes. Oh, yeah. They did.

They would stripe the glass. That was a big part of my youth was getting a milkshake after eating an adult meal, like eight years old, going to village in on Parker Road. Oh, yeah. Eating like a club sandwich with mozzarella sticks, all the fries, and then taking a milkshake to go. Like eating the cup, eating the cold cup

in the restaurant, you know, and then taking the cup they gave you home. Like, all right. Hiding it. See you Wednesday. Bye, Janet. Dave, the chili was exceptional today.

Smoking. You could smoke in that village in until I was like 19. It was sick. Yeah. Mm-hmm. uh ma'am i would only order up for the kids menu if you're basing what a child is on age if you're going by weight i'm two adult men so i'm gonna get whatever i want you'll check this

percentile chart my doctor gave me to get out of gym you'll see i'm up here now what are you way i'm going fudrucker style what are you about buck 60 buck 55 yeah so you're down here so really if you want to gauge on size i'm more of a human being than you. So yes, I will have the 12-pound patty. If you have to solder, yeah, I know the word, I'm precocious. If you can solder a bunch of buns together,

I'll eat it in my mom's car. She's at Michael's crying. That's my problem. We all have our crosses to bear, Janet. You know, if you will? I'll be over here reading my cracked magazine. And hey, I don't know if you went to customer service school, but maybe a slice of pie while I'm waiting. Gratuity, Janet, if you want your 8%.

Oh, yeah. I told Bobby on the drive back from DIA about your mishap for everyone listening. Yeah, allegedly, Bobby Crane, about how you took us to see Psycho Killer because you thought it had a 98% on Rotten Tomatoes. And then I think in the theater, you double checked, clean your glasses real quick, and it was a 9.8. He loved that. You doing it. Yeah. Well, it's great. It's great.

You guys had something to talk about. I couldn't hear him well because I called him South of Wales. Dublo, which is no man's... He was on his motorcycle. Yeah. Oh, he went and saw Nirvana, the band, the show, the movie, and I was glad he did. He went down to Albuquerque to watch that. And it was, like, packed.

He said it was a full theater. So I was glad that he got... He's in, like, he's been working in even crazier counties outside of Alamosa, like... What? Even weird... Yeah. Like, he's having to help in a couple of... I think even smaller, weirder areas where like, I don't know.

I think it's survival of the, it's Darwinism for sure. When's he going to give up on this whole crazy help the world trade? He's helping people. You know, suing NGOs or whatever the money is. I don't know. For now, he mostly wanted to help people. Yeah, I know. I think he also wanted to get laid and paid.

And I think he's been doing a lot of helping, not a lot of pumping. He doesn't have time to pump. Yeah. He's busy getting chimos off. And then he has to go to work. So that's a classic. We've had to have done that on here. I used to do that with Dr. Kev.

Of course. Yeah, I know. And I just brought it out for the Pepsi generation. I updated it. You know, I don't know. It was so ridiculous because I remember looking like two or three weeks ago. And I was looking at, you know, horror movies because my wife will sometimes get that wild hair. and like it said psycho killer was it 98% or something 92 something insane and I was like

cool we got to get this what did you say you made a mental note oh everybody's loving psycho killer and I was like it's in theater still I can't stream it I was like hell so when I saw that it was available at that theater I said this rules I'm going to blow their skirts off they're going to love it it's going to be a real real great movie and then when we're in the theater after it being maybe the worst movie allowed. I mean, I'm surprised Springfield, Missouri didn't ban it. Those two people that didn't show up, I felt I was jealous of them. No, we had fun because we got to talk shit, but I'm glad they didn't show up so we could dick around.

If they got in like a non-serious car wreck and that's why they weren't there, they were still probably better off than I was. Like if they had a little fender, fender duster. I was glad that there wasn't another movie that I wanted to see. and then you held firm. 98% show me a chart. Show me the your therapist license. Yeah.

That's me right there. Bachelors in science. And I didn't care because we what else were we going to do? Enjoy downtown Springfield. Get shot. Get shot today. Yeah, get attacked by drones because they think we're a bear.

Oh, the swamp ape came back into town. Get your hoses, folks. All the hydrants get turned on. We have to shoot a sexy music video in the middle of Springfield. They give me a wig. I'd be sick if I had a wet wig. Dripping. I looked in the theaters when it was terrible, and it said it was at 8% currently.

And then later that night, I looked at it said on Reddit that it was at 0% for a long time. So yeah, Rod Tomatoes is out. me and Pat a big turd the other night too. I can't remember the fucking name of it. But also, old Henry, where the guy just happens to be, he winds up being Billy the kid. I saved you the movie.

There you go, everyone. You're welcome. I also laughed, Bobby and I laughed, because if numbers aren't your thing, but you still want to know if you want to go see a movie or not, Rotten Tomatoes does the popcorn, which is good. Or a, like, booger-slash-green diarrhea splat for bed.

Really? And you missed that or you think, well, you saw a green splat and you were like slime, so it's good. It's 90% fresh like slime right out of the package. Right. I feel like they have it backwards because popcorn hurts my teeth, but slime's never hurt anybody. Except for a couple of Dan Schneider's victims. Oh, God. It's not slimed.

Slime it. We went up to Denver. You guys walk in slime. I should be that kind of boss. If you want to complain about me as a boss, I'll make you guys take fucking photos of your feet and slime. Maybe some dog food for one of you. Swishing it up between your toes.

I watched it off. I watched Repo Man. And Emilio Estevez goes home to his parents' house and opens a can of dog food and starts eating out of it. But you can't, I couldn't get a good picture of him holding the can. It just said dog. You couldn't see food. But they don't explain. it, they don't sell it, like nothing.

So maybe I was on to something. An alternate universe where everybody eats dog food. It's like we're in an alcoholic, like, see someone crack a beer in a movie. You see Emilio crack open some dog food. You just walk to the fridge, you come, you sit back

down. Right out of the can in front of creature, like, hey, cut my mouth up. Yeah, you married me. You know what you were marrying. squeeze it like Popeye squeeze it into the air and then eat it yeah they don't he doesn't say anything his mom's like you should put that on a plate you'll you'll enjoy it more and he says something like i couldn't i couldn't possibly enjoy it more than i already am but it's i think it's dog food it's weird

it's a weird movie but also is it better out of the can one or do you prefer the plate i never ate it out of the can well i guess it wasn't on a plate first anyway it was in my dog's mouths first There was no, it's not right out of the can. It's trickle down. It's the only way that from being a dog food could get worse is if a dog ate it first. Oh, yeah, for sure. I think it was supposed to establish his dire straits in that film, right? The idea of dog food?

But I mean, he lives with his parents or he's like with his parents who are supposed to be normal. Anyway. Shit. Oh, went up to Denver with Megan and the dogs because Megan's grandpa doesn't have much time left. He's fucked. And you were excited to go, as I remember. Well, I wanted to eat Walk Spicy. And we did, and it was great.

But Megan got a slime kit for her niece. Her grandpa? Yeah, he doesn't know what age he is. So he doesn't know what's appropriate or not. He's in his slime era. He puts it on like a wig. The paper, yeah. I'm Rick James, bitch.

You all remember Chappelle's show. Oh, he's in 2005. No, she got slime for her niece and her parents and Jay and Mel were like fighting to see where that slime was going to end up. Nobody wanted it. No one wanted it. They don't want to have to deal with the, I think it's a slime making kit. So I think there might have been potential for it to be real messy. Jesus Christ

These kids They shouldn't be allowed To your children Their kids should be taken away Can't have slime Oh the slime's too much of a hassle Here Why don't you play Uncle Lund

He thinks your bill Playing circle Oh yeah That would keep her up all night Cardgames. coms dot I know how many kids Would love some slime The opportunity to make their own slime

If Faye wanted No she wants the slime It's the people who have to clean it up get it off of her stop her from eating it slime's natural man how old's fay she's almost four that's the best time for slime six is too old slides an eye roll they know six seven when they're five right now is slime time and if they want to build any core not only memories but also like motor skills slime's very good weights approximations it's like it's a tactile way to learn so they're depraving their child of that depriving as well no no

No, I'm sure it'll end up getting used for sure. By you. Did you bring it home? No, no, we left it at. We left it at Nana and Pappos. You gave it to Ron. That's a good call. I'm ready.

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Food's boring. Not with Factor. No cabbage soup here. Put it in the trash, get Factor. I wish I had some Factor that night. I would have said, hey, Emmy, I forgot. I got to go to Walmart to grab some jewelry for you. And then I would have just drove around the block with the Factor on my engine,

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stew with bad beans everything uh that you could want uh in two minutes uh not bad at all we've we've we've been able to enjoy these meals in the past they're fantastic nice and easy uh not what you're thinking of when you think of something that's super convenient because usually you're you're offsetting that convenience with the lack of flavor or texture it's just like gloop yeah your repo manning it you crack in the cage it's dog food yeah not this this is even better if you can imagine always fresh never frozen no prep and no stress had to factor meals com slash chubby 50 off and use code chubby 50 off to get 50 off your first box plus free breakfast for one year.

Eat like a pro this month with Factor. Offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Then we got Bagel Deli. We get like one in one out as far as restaurants down here. A place like closes or blows up. And then another place is like, guess what?

We're doing sandwiches. We can't have several new places. Just, you know, healthy competition. There's room for eight restaurants, no more, no less. It's fucking weird. Everyone's doing tacos. It's a big taco society down there. We do have more non-taco options now, which is nice.

I'll believe it when I eat it. Okay. One of them was just like won a national award, which they're good, but it confuses me. Worst food? No, no. What was it? No, it's so stupid. They made it sound like that was a big thing.

It was like a woman's blog or something. She's nobody. Yeah, they really, man, they made it sound like Guy Fieti. They sold it. They made it sound like diners, drive-ins, and dives just got out of Trinidad with one new sponsor. But no, it's just some lady or some shit. It was. Okay, that makes more sense because their sandwiches are good, but they're not like, you wouldn't hype them up before you took a buddy there.

They won a shovel award. This woman took a shovel to the head in high school. And so the bar is low. She eats off of a shovel on TikTok. And she loved it. She also loved Fuddruckers. They got a bad Google review recently because I don't know who died, but someone very close to the staff of this place died. That, like, in the morning right after the place had opened, it's called Tease Me, Treat Me.

T-E-E-E-S, because they sell T-shirts. So it's fun. You know what I mean? Is it though? Who's that for? No, who's like, boy,

I want a cupcake and also a novelty t-shirt in this small town? They're one of many places here who got duped into buying those flags that a lot of small town businesses have out front. You know, just like a flag that says like candy or ice cream or sandwiches. Yes. And this is green chili. Somebody bought a second. a second house after coming through Trinidad in 2016 because they're everywhere.

All over Rocky Ford and Lahanta, too. Right, right. I don't know what's going on down there. I think Latinos see a flag. They stop. They salute it. You know, the movement. You don't want a static.

You don't want a static sign. You want movement. You want kinetic energy. Right. They had those guys out there who spun all the signs, but Becker kept killing them on its walks. Well, the wolves kept getting them. Lovos. We call our band Dog Burper.

Oh, yeah. That's bad. They had like some awful loss and they were rocked. And then a woman and her like kids came in to order food and got bad service and then posted about it. They're like, I don't know what the hell's going on, but everybody seemed distracted. And then the reply is like, we had an awful loss 10 minutes before you showed up. So yeah, we were trying to get it all. You were trying to pull everything together so that we could serve you.

Sorry it wasn't up to your standard. A bunch of boxes crushed my son three minutes before you came in. I'm so sorry. It was his mom. Oh, Dale. Oh. Well, I guess what? Close for a day.

Don't cry into the Pesole. Yeah, but I mean, if he had just gotten the call and then you hear like the ding ding, ding, the door open and a customer came in. It's like, what do you do? Look them in the phone. face crying and be like, leave, we're not, we're not open. Don't look at me. For here to go. Yeah.

I could see kind of going into autopilot in that moment like, oh, fuck. I hope you're a door dash. My mom was a door dashed. She was dashed from this realm. It's a sad place down here. It's killing everybody. And this was the T-shirts and treats place. Some guys just crying back there making a who farted shirt to order it.

Yeah. Can I get the, it's not going to suck itself and a euro? They also don't sell that many shirts. No shit. I don't know if it used to be more shirt. I bet they, yeah, probably. I think the people who own the deli didn't always own it. I think they bought it and changed it from like a snack and shirt shop to like barely a shirt shop, but a deli.

So it's like a cut off shirt shop? That'd be cool. Barely a shirt shop. No sleep. Crop or. tank. Mm-hmm. All side boob.

Mm-hmm. All right. Now we're talking. No, we have an idea. I'm like John Tapper. What's his name? Trapper? Taffer.

Taffer. Taffy man. Or everyone calls him Taffy, man. I'll watch, I'll watch Bar Rescue over a lot of other shows on on stupid regular TV in a hotel room. Yeah, me too.

I like cops, but Bar Rescue's good. Cops, once you start, that's like hoarders. once you start thinking about the reality of those people's lives and how. But sometimes they get away. Fuck, they are. Sometimes they do get out sometimes. They're new.

They're on PCP. They're running through Richmond, Virginia. It should only be when they get away. And cops should just look dumb as hell every time. Those complications on YouTube rule. Cops' pants fall down as he's running. Right. But crack.

It should always end with a butt crack. And then a guy laughing as he runs away with his middle fingers up. Uniform's way too big. First day, Unitorum, whoopsie. Just the cop out there like, freeze! Freeze! Shirt rips open. Yeah, oh yeah.

Impractical Joker's crossover with cops would be good. Oh, yeah. Finally, a reason to watch the Joker's. If the jokers all had guns And they were just like swatting people Like freeze So my big My big

My big news from the last couple days was I'm still Having a deal with the repercussions It might actually change me I think it might actually help me Because I'm so over This whole thing I told you guys about it, the milk

I fucking Had to get Milkgate. Had to get Megan up to Denver and back, and then the next day, she needed a bunch of shit from the store. So we load up the back of the impreza with soda and milk. Wait, so you went up for like, you drove to Denver and then turned around? Or you spent the night? We drove up, no, yes, we spent the night.

We drove up Monday and came back Tuesday. We were there for like 24. Okay. Did you see the dying man or? I didn't go, no. Oh, okay. I didn't need to. I didn't need to go see him.

So I stayed home, stayed with the dogs. And Ron. And almost got away with Ron not saying something so stupid that I wanted to flick his freaking dick until it doubled inside. What do you say? Oh, just something stupid. Just some talking point from the TV or the internet. Just a dumb. Anyway.

We have to go to say, Cliffanger. We get all that stuff. No, it's just old guy stuff where he thinks that it sounds smart because Jesse Waters said it a week ago. But we get a... It was muddy waters. We get to... We get the mutiny.

And I open the hatchback and two gallons of milk fall out and break. And I'm so mad. Now there's chocolate milk everywhere. No, no. I wish. I wish it would have been chocolate milk because it was. it wouldn't be as visible all over everything because I'm so mad and annoyed, right? And I know, like, this is the beginning of the fucking day.

And I just think, well, this one gallon of milk is already popped. And so I'm going to kick it and it's going to go under the car and I'm going to feel a little better because I kicked the thing of milk. Right. And I'll keep. Man versus feast. And I'll, and I'll. I'll let it go. But no, instead of going under the car, it explodes so perfectly.

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I'm holding open the fucking hatchback because the arms have broken, they have failed. So now I have to like hold it open so don't get bonked. Oh, no. So I'm holding it. I kick it and it just goes up.

It doesn't go under the car or away from it. It goes up and blasts the door, the underside of the door, inside of the hatchback door all of the sodas and other milk and half and half that Megan has bought for mutiny the dumpster over to the side looks it looks insane like it how much milk was there because it's one gallon minus whatever like was on the ground it does it looks like a fucking bourbon street hose just has has done a 360 it's yeah i can't it's like not even on It's like all in the car

Like on me would have been better Because I could have washed the clothes and showered It's in the car almost 100% And then somehow on the dumpster as well Thank God Megan wasn't closer It didn't get on Megan But it's fucking I thought you would have lashed out in there

It's fucking everywhere Run And I'm I'm mad And now I'm obviously even more mad and annoyed I can't imagine how mad you were I would love to have seen how madden. That O'Good would have been the best O'Good in the history of O'Good.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's awful. Megan's piss, but she's not saying any. She's just getting this stuff out while, like, avoiding the milk that is every, just. Yeah. And so I just think, okay, well, now I know what I'm going to have to do for, like, the next hour and a half is clean this. I get home.

I get paver towels and simple green. and I go back out there and it's just awful. It's just the worst shit. Like I'm cleaning, I'm scrubbing. And then like a few minutes later, I'd look at where I cleaned. And it's like I didn't do anything. Oh, I told Megan, it was like blood. It was like fucking pulp fiction, the fucking back of the car.

But it's white milk instead of red, but it's like that persistent. It's like, why the, because of the fat? Like, why is it this nightmare? And you didn't hose off? You didn't hose it down? No. I didn't want to hose the inside of the car. So I'm trying to clean the inside.

Sure, sure. Indoor, yeah. Because that'll reek it up. That'll be bad. Yeah, well, I'm sure it's bad because I've cleaned it twice now. But I need like a scrub brush or something. But yeah, I've cleaned it twice. It still looks like shit.

And so my mantra has this car. What? That's what happened to Euris car. Oh, I bet. What's your mantra? If it smells like that. I'm fucked. No, that was a ferret. I think a ferret died in Eurist's car.

If it smells like that, you can legally total it. Oh, I'll total it. I'm going to drive it off Fisher's Peak, and maybe I jump out at the last second. Maybe I don't. You drink it a gallon in the milk? Oh, yeah, I'm spewing it, spitting it everywhere like Triple H. No, my mantra that I need to tell myself before next time I'm mad about something is don't kick the milk because it is not worth it. I thought it would be a relatively harmless little way to show frustration and then I and and and

get it out and then it would be fine and no it made everything a million times worse. It sucked. Well yeah man you're like Sebastian Janikowski out there. You gave it the big boot. It was it was a hell of a Polish hammer. You swung that thing. It was perfect. and I didn't hold back. I wish I would have. I wish I would have given a little nudge.

A little forward pass. I'm sorry. I got better if you cleared your toe. Yeah. Did it like, how did it, how did it, did it hit something else and then explode? Or did it explode on your foot miraculously didn't douse you?

It was on the, yeah, it was because of my foot kicking it. I think I was kicking the bottom of it. And there was a whole, maybe on the bottom it was nuts what it was crazy like I said how it went because it was almost under the car you know what I mean it was right on the bottom almost under I don't know it's been said milk fountain just cascading through the sky that's beautiful almost none of it on the outside very little hit the outside at all it was all inside the fucking where this fair tire is

god damn it's the worst place to get milk and I just I would have, I would never would have guessed that it was, that it would be so persistent that I need a fucking scouring brush or steel wool instead of just paper towel. I was like, I got a paper towel. I'll fucking, I'll hit it a couple times. Nope. So yeah, I got to, that's what I'll be doing while you guys are in Minneapolis, showing your papers. Shouldn't have blown us off, man. Well, I thought Pat was kidding. Before I forget, though, if you can't get the stink out those pet enzyme carpet stain and odor removers work pretty good for getting dairy and like juices out of the

carpet and fabric and you already use that for your shampoo so just take that out there and open it down yeah I got some of that I've got pet spray but I don't know I think mostly I've got to like I need more of a texture yeah to get the stains out but yeah it's it's so funny too to be mad and then be like, okay, there will be some kind of catharsis from cleaning it. Like,

I have to do this now. And then I do it. And it's Sisyphian. I'm literally looking back at what I've done. And it looks like I didn't do shit. Oh, still reeks. Nothing has,

it hasn't smelled, which thank God. But like, it'll probably reek. Well, the stain is just fucking, looks like I came back there. Looks like I gist.

You wish you made that much more. I haven't been. jacking off much. So, well. Maybe you can do the two gallon challenge. So yeah. And that goes for everybody else too. Don't kick the milk, man.

I had to mute myself because I was doing all my horrific burps and like me and Pat walked to the theater and then we walked home. And it was all foggy out there and misty. And like we had to cross the street in front of a car that was coming. So it was just two huge giant silhouettes coming out of the shadows crossing the street. And as I crossed the street, I burped horrifically, like really loud. So it literally looked like monsters.

It looked like two monsters, two fat skin walkers, emerged from the shadows to howl, and then disappeared back. It must have been the freakiest fucking thing to see in my nice suburban neighborhood after dark. What the fuck. Oh my God, dude. Yeah, just walking, shambling. Like, should we, should we cross? Let's cross. Crossing and then, like in the middle, under the streetlights.

What the hell? I was also babushkas. I was wrapped in yellow. I'm halfway through the walk home. Pat was like, you look fucking weird. I was like, what do you mean? You have a yellow babushka and a green jacket. Was it freezing?

Yeah, we were the, what's up? Was it freezing cold? No, no, not at all. It's nice out there. We were the Great Lakes. We might get snow. We looked bad. And we were pretending like we were actually brothers, but we were both gay and we didn't

want to hurt anybody. I scared the shit out of a guy in Denver because I walked, I crossed a street for no real reason other than I was walking home. And it turns out he was like on his stoop of his apartment building. And I like beeline it straight towards him across the street. And he was watching me the whole time. And so when I finally like saw him, he looked so scared. And I was like, oh, sorry, dude. He was like, what?

And I was like, oh, it looked like I was trying to, that a guy was going to kill you, right? And he was like, yeah. But that made him feel better. Well, it cut the tension because we both, yeah, we both got to laugh. It was him wondering if I was just going to not say a word and just walk up and start choking him or something. Man, being scared by you, just the drop bear. Oh, just a little dollop of Lund out of nowhere. I don't know if I was drinking, but when I would walk in Denver, I used to try to look pretty impose intimidating, big, and walk fast.

Definitely not like looking for a friend. Wasn't whistling a happy tune. It wasn't waving and pointing, snapping. You weren't cramoring down the street. No, there's no coat of many colors. Black hoodie, fucking black beanie. Yeah. You know who likes to have fun, Lund?

Chubbies What about it? Becker, tell us something about chubbies real quick, Chewby's rules. I love their new hoodie. It's very comfortable, and I've washed it like six times

and it hasn't pilled up or gotten weird at all. The string also hasn't fallen out of the hood because I'm always too high when I put my laundry in to remember to tie them. I'm also not peeled up. Yeah, no pills for Sam.

And then their new shammie shirts of the shit. Are you wearing one right now, or is it just the same? color? This is an LL Bean shirt that's very confusing and like heavy, stretchy corduroy, and I don't know what to do with that. It looks like you don't wear anything for bottoms when you have that on. Yeah, I should be wondering around with a lantern asking people what day it is. That's right. Who goes there? Chubbies makes your clothes easy. You don't have to, you don't have to be

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They'll put you in the loony bin. Can I have another pair of shorts, guvna? Back freak. Designed for days at the beach or on the couch. Or if you're crazy, like Johnny Knoxville. or Chris Pony as maybe a couch on the beach that you light on fire after drinking Yeager. Chubby shorts are what's been missing?

That's all that's been missing. Don't fix up your life. Yeah, that's the missing piece. You've been thinking, what am I supposed to do? I'm 38. I've achieved so much or I've achieved very little. What am I going to do? Well, get some fucking shorts, stupid.

Your butt doesn't have to think. Chubby has a lineup of polos, hoodies, jackets, and stretch pants. Lund, you have stretch pants. Oh, yeah. You'll feel comfy and look great. long. I cannot wait to get back into my Chubbies, dude.

I've been wearing the pants on airplanes all the time. The issue is they're so light, and they have a great pocket on the side, which if you were trying to keep a weed pen hidden, boy, howdy, that could be employed there. So I'm a huge fan of Chubbo and Chubbo brands. Excuse me, Chubbies. Sorry, there's just a lot.

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the VIP treatment they deserve with Chubbies. Make sure to support the show and tell them Chubby set you chubby behemoths sent you chubby black betty my wife's not here so i've i'm just getting missives from her from on the road so i'm sorry

to lose your attention she's flying to san diego to attend the saddest funeral ever oh no why was it so much later well because i don't know if they were sure they wanted to throw one or not for a while I don't know dude it was it was a hairy situation

I wanted to wait till the kid was old enough no no no No, no. The kid's six months old. Figure it out. It's not funny. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Nothing funny about all this.

No, yeah. Now, Emmy's going to be at the gym listening to this, you know, and she'll just have to run out crying. No. Beanie's losing it over something. Hopefully it's Megan coming home and not somebody trying to kill me. Not your dominoes arriving 20. minutes early.

No, I'm supposed to get dominoes you ordered from across state lines. I'm supposed to get the new spot that opened because T's Me Treat Me is probably going to go away. Yeah. Probably. It is. It's up for sale. Well, yeah, they don't know for sure how they're going to go about. Yeah, it's for sale, but nobody's going to buy it.

So they're hoping nobody calls their bluff. But I would imagine if nobody buys it, then they'll just be like, all right, yeah. We're not going to tease you anymore. It's full release. Yeah, full release this time. No edging. But yes, Megan went to trivia and I wanted to go, but I didn't want to have to leave and immediately do this. So I told her I didn't want to.

Also, I've been reading so much stuff online and it is tough. And then I'm trying to. I'm not all there at all. Yeah. That's, I get it. I get it. what's nice. You know what? You know what something is watch and we weren't even doing

it on purpose. But after the fact, I was like, I think I was gravitating and she was going along with watching older movies because there's no internet and it's just a different time that we know, but that we haven't been able

to experience since we were young. And it's, you're like, hey, Teen Wolf again, baby? Yeah, it's not fucking, yeah, we're not watching the matrix. We just watch Wag the Dog. It's awful because it's just like, it's all of this off, like, you know, political, the game, the political theater, the people that make all of these lies and spin stuff and make stuff up. But it makes it look like a fun world that we're not a part of, but it's interesting. It's like, no, this is a horror movie.

This is fucking sick. These are sick people. It's not quirky. It was so weird, weird tone. Well, Veep was also like that. Veep was fun. Veep is very fun. You know who else was the vice president?

Dickles Cheney. You know his name was Dickles? Isn't that crazy? That's why he did 9-11 is so that that didn't come out. It came out like two weeks later and he was like, God damn it. I thought we could get ahead of it. That's why he sent that Afghani emissary to Greeley to do research. It was like, I know what'll move the needle.

He grew up right by Greeley. I mean, he's, you know, he's from Wyoming. I'm sure you had to pass through on 85 at some point. Oh, yeah. I know a little. Becker, there's a fire. There's smoke everywhere. You should probably get out there.

I'm trying to put it out. Don't be a hero. I'm going to put you out. Mike's got. Oh, yeah, Becker. Mike's got insurance. Becker, I got upgraded to the suite this weekend at the hotel. Cool.

So I'm sleeping on the couch? Well, there's a bathtub. Okay. There's a big bathtub. And they said you could rent pillows if you wanted. to fill it up. Okay. No, I think there's a pull-out couch.

Okay. But you won't be doing any pulling out on there. Leave it in. I'm leaving it in, okay. That's right. I want you to be... On the couch. Two of us making love on a pull-out.

Oh, what? No, I just don't like when the pull-outs out because I always stub my toe on it. Oh, I thought you were implying that I was going to have to leave it in. Oh, Becker, you're getting your own room. What was that? Different hotel. Me, hearing exactly what you said, not a...

You were telling me I couldn't use the bed. What are you making a gross show? What are you and Mike been doing? Smoking a ton of dope. Yeah. I know what that leads to. Oh, shit. I remember Woodstock.

I just touched the lamp. I got shocked. I'm the one, huh? You're like, uh, is today Thursday? Oh, yeah, you didn't know what day it was. You didn't know what day it was. That was weird and that was like a half an hour in the afternoon where I just like had it wrong.

Yeah. I was like, well, you're on your own. Have fun in Minneapolis. Realized like immediately. And I also don't know what about that made me catch it. I like typed it out and sent it. And then a second later, I was like, no, tomorrow is, oh, fuck. Hmm.

I know what day it is now. Well, I've got good news, you know, in this crazy world. Okay. Please. There's a little place down there in the Seaport district. of Boston, Massachusetts called Laugh Boston. And they've been bringing laughter

to Greater Boston for about 22 years now. And if you're ever in Boston, you have an opportunity to go see a show there, why not pop in? It's right there in the new seaport, lots of great hotels,

a lot of great restaurants over there. What the hell is going on here? And I'll be, I just so happen to be appearing at Laugh, Boston. What are you on about? Well, Half Boston's a comedy club. Yeah, sure. I've been there.

Great guy named John McGuire. And John and his family really pride themselves on bringing a quality evening out in these times when every dollar matters. Oh, my God. Send me to Iran with a bucket for oil. Oh, my goodness. You got my goat. You got me. I don't know what you're talking about.

You, son of a bitch. You're about to go to Sisyphus. you got inspired. Well, I regret that I didn't do a fake Sisyphus ad read because all the shows sold out and we had to add another one that sold out. So that one did its own legwork and I didn't get to do anything silly and revenge to you. So yeah, I was trying to work that in and it failed. How about that?

Well, yeah, no, that was great. And also we get to have a little bit of horror and fear when we go to Boston. Who's the Bachelor in Science? St. Patrick's Day weekend, Boston. Will we survive? Will all three of us make it home? I don't know. Luckily, we have the entire fancy lad team coming on Saturday,

so they'll be there to bonkheads. Nice. Our friend Gabe from that restaurant, whose name I never remember, but I go to every time we'll be coming as well. Nice. Are we going to go eat at, Gables? That's the question.

I've never been. No, Becker hasn't been? No, I've never been to Boston. Oh, shit. I forgot. is the first time you've been shipping up to old Boston, man. Yeah. Fuck.

I'm excited. Hopefully it's, well, now, Saturday. I was going to say during the day, it might not be insane. Yes, it will be. Saturday will be Fury Road. Shit. I need a hotel room. They're gone.

I'm going to be staying at the TD Garden. We have to sleep in the park. They're in the common. We have to find the lepercon and get his pot of gold so we can get an Airbnb. crap we're going to have to stay in the seaport district no we should probably stay close so we don't have to fight our way across town we should probably stay until monday and have a big sunday we could do st pats in boston so i don't think sunday's going to be the big night it'll probably be saturday i'm there the 13 14th and hey why don't you guys do this what isn't everyone who might come to these shows who might want to drive in buy tickets

so they force us to stay Sunday. You buy these tickets out right now. We're close. We're like 65% sold. So yeah, get those tickets, man. And then we'll have to stay on Sunday. And me and Lund will drink again. If we sell out these three shows and add a Sunday,

me and Lund will drink a bunch of Guinnesses in Boston. That's a guarantee. I'll do one Irish car bomb. Oh, yeah. Do that. That'd be fun. On stage, let's take fake car bombs all weekend. Well, it's chocolate milk.

I won't kick the milk. I almost said I would. I forgot almost immediately. My mantra. I'm tired of having to tell people in the merch line because they hit me first and they get to Lund. They mentioned something about dog food and I'm like, don't bring up the dog food to them. All right. Just let them live.

If we all make mistakes, don't be bringing up milk to Nathan Lund. I don't care. Moving forward. You don't care? No, no. If anything, free milk. Pat explained it to me today on our walk back. I was like, yeah, I wonder, I can't wait to hear what's been going on in Trinidad.

You know, these guys always have the wildest stories. And Pat was like, nothing happens down there. And I was like, I know that's the joke. And he was like, yeah, you happen to people. You happen to a lot of people. A lot of the people that you work with, like you happen to them. And then they, then, you know, that's what goes on. And I was like, all right, well, hopefully I'm not, that's not like too true.

I don't want to feel like I'm a fucking wrecking ball. What the hell is he talking about? Did I feel that way? Did I happen to you? No. I mean, does he mean on the podcast? But not the way he's saying it. No, like he's like, yeah, like, I don't know. I think that he meant like he lives in Detroit now because I happened to him and you

guys have to stay for St. Patrick's Day and drink a bunch of car bombs on stage. Becker, you have to paint yourself green. Yeah. I could do that. You wouldn't be painting yourself green if it weren't for me. If there was any profit and so. my house, I think I would move to Detroit too. Oh, it is the spot, man.

It just won Best City. From that lady that thinks tease me, treat me. It's the best sandwich in the world. I still, I'm still not sure what he's trying to say, but you're great. You're memorable. Maybe I drag people.

Maybe I, you're coming over here. You're coming to Minneapolis, Becker. I mean, sometimes I'm like waiting to edit for two days and then get a file on Sunday night. Yeah, what thrill it is for you to have purpose in that moment. Yeah, so those are the only moments I get dragged a little bit is what I'm waiting for shit, but you don't do it out of like determination, habit, or anything like that.

Yeah, I'm not trying to drag anybody, or am I. But yeah, St. Patrick's Day is the 17th, and that's a Tuesdays. When do you think they'll celebrate it? I don't think Sunday, I think Saturday. It's not a bank holiday. They're going to celebrate it that weekend. Yeah, Saturday is the weekend. Sunday, you get your shit back together for work on Monday.

You think these Mick Bastard are going to hold off on Sunday? No, they're going to slug them back. Yeah, it's going to be all weekend, but I don't think Sunday's going to be the real rage. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's the parade. Parade Detector.com. Ooh, the parade Sunday at 1130 a.m. Damn it.

And it's a three and a half mile route where it sounds like people are going to be getting loaded. And guess what? I'm going to be loaded right there because you guys can buy these tickets out. Yeah, I think it would be fun to go to the parade, man, paint my tits. Fucking dump them out. Just be dumping them. Just be like, hey, who's thirsty? We're not ready.

Sprayed green milk out of here. We barely interact with drunk fans after the show. It's like a half hour and then we leave. This will be the Hall of Fame of drunkenness. And I mean, God, everybody's going to have a roll of quarters in their fist in case they see an enemy. Like, it's going to be. Yeah, but we don't have to worry because we're not black or Puerto Rican. So we're going to be okay.

Yeah, we just have to wear our straightest looking shirts. Baker looks Asian. Yeah, yeah. Don't take any chances on hats this weekend. My eyes are like extra puffy on top of being stoned. Yeah, you, uh... Show them your hair. Yeah, I got a real Dave T.

Oh, boy. Look at all that. The powder. Wow. It's powder. What the? You got the Beethoven Bach. Yeah, dude.

You got the young composer. Yeah, it looked like I'm running for Senate in the 1800s. Yeah, you got to get rid of that before Boston. Actually, before tomorrow, I'd prefer if you came in without that. We don't have a super... I would, too. Yeah. Mike, will you shave Becker?

Mike, they want you to shave me. Fuck now. Okay. Best friends, huh? Yeah. We got to make something happen to that hair. I really just want the top gone. I want the sides.

Get rid of the top. I wish I still had this here. No, leave the sides and see what that looks like. Like go skin fade on the sides and then just leave the top. No, no. Like the young admiral. I look back to the guy who owned Orange County Choppers if I do that. That's a good reference.

Mike liked it. The old guy that had like, he had like hair here, but he combed it all the way back. That's what I would look. The main guy? I didn't watch Orange County Choppers. Yeah, it was her dad and his son. They fought a lot. I didn't think he had.

He was watching Rushmore and playing Manhunt. Might have been when he was older. Yeah, he was listening to Sugarfly. Well, I hung out in houses all day. instead of going to school because we were selling drugs. Yeah, you should have gone to school. So there was a lot, no, I did find. If you got to school, maybe you would have learned how to get a haircut.