Chubby Behemoth - Down Time Or Clown Time

Episode Date: May 21, 2025

SPONSORS: HIMS - Start your free online Hims visit today at https://www.hims.com/CHUBBY   Hall Of Fame - Get a 7-Day Free Trial + 50% Off your first month of Hall of Fame with code CHUBBY. Just download the HOF app on iOS or Android, enter code CHUBBY and you’re all set.   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are back together in London! Sam had three different suspects for the Markley effect, found out about Dud-man’s new place fantasy, and did research with his pal Joe. Nathan had a Christmastime fever dream, was hoping the intermission was the end, and took a candy nap.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Yeah, that seems good. Let's go. We're back together, man. You and me. Two peas in the pod. By the pod, I mean your bed, where your head goes is my rump. And I'm worried. Where my head has been for the last 19 hours.

Yeah, and I could be malodorous. It's tough to tell in this den of sin that we've created here in London town foggy old I don't smell it but you know I didn't smell the lady at the play boy I smelt it for everybody I didn't smell old Abraham Lincoln gunshot wound that was so that was such a perfect like that's when I shared history of experiences and lingo can really come in handy instead of saying whoa somebody's pussy stinks. We had our twin

speak so I could yeah we said we sat down at lay Ms. Matt and a yeah we went to lay ms. Saturday Saturday Saturday come see lay ms Rob to thirty every Saturday tickets are the same price. And according to Reddit, there's not a good seat in the house. Get shoved in and then get turned on by operatic-like performances from London's best and an American guy. Do you want to see the top of the set? Pass.

Impossible. Do you want to see the symphony? Not going to happen. Tickets are 50 pounds. They're hidden. And you get the privilege of sitting behind a real Markley Motors situation. Right. So yes, instead of saying somebody stinks out of their crypt. There is a person with a vagina here. You say we have a real Markley Motors situation and I instantly know exactly what you're talking about. Unfortunately, I couldn't smell it to corroborate. It wasn't unfortunate.

It was like I was in the commercial. I was the seat. I was I was seeking it out because I needed to feel something. Yeah. Yeah. And one also you could have woken me up because I was like weak from hunger or some shit like an asshole. I thought, hey, we'll eat after everything. We'll be fine. No, my body freaks out as soon as the lights go down. It's like,

you haven't eaten. It's like, who cares? Let's watch a beautiful play. Yeah. Like, no, I'm going to freak out. We couldn't have had more different situations because I was sitting there being like, I can't wait to talk to everyone about how this is the best thing I've ever seen. And it's tough because I love the Globetrotters obviously that wrestling show we saw in Japan is up there I've seen you know J reattar play I've seen Lightning will play I have seen the Brian Adams I've never seen the Cardinals I never I was

never in the host game Ryan Adams oh Oh. Right? I said Brian Adams. Oh, Brian Adams, yeah. I don't know, I'm unfamiliar with him. I saw the ballet last week. You're too young. This was so good. This was so good. The sets, the way they implemented the lighting,

the sound, the actual acting, the singing, the little bits of stage business were just impeccable. Everyone was doing the right thing at all times. Yeah. I mean, I was a thespian in high school These were things that I learned I took these classes in college and I was just like they are doing it to the best of anyone's ability ever Yeah, no, I was able to I was able to take away some of that

Especially in the beginning because I didn't feel like shit right away That's good, or else I would have grabbed something to eat But instead I was like I'll be fine. We kind of late last night. And we ate a bunch of chicken. Yeah so I was like I'll be okay. I usually don't like to eat when I first wake up and so I don't and it's fine. We didn't have much time for you to eat anyway it was you know I started at 2 30 you, you woke up at 2 noon. We're staying three minutes away Yeah, no, I I definitely blew it and it was annoying Well, at least you powered through the night, you know, the show ended at 630. It is now

1140 so We're doing it. I didn't power through anything. I know I went back to bed. Very good. Yes You I mean I was I was there markedly motoring the whole show. Motorboating. I had three different suspects, but two of them left at one time, yet the stink remained. Could have been soaked into the chair.

No, no, no. I knew where it was. It was an active shooter. Yeah, if I had a stink detector, it would have gone, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep be People lost their owner's manuals in there. She was with a nice man. She was a pretty woman of a certain age, but man, hose it off. Well, yeah, she was young.

The Markley effect had something to do with passage of time, yeah. Yeah, it was a kimchi. So this young lady is stinking at a 55-year-old level. Yeah, she could retire with this stink. She, it was like She it was like it was like it was like a bunch of people had sex with her like right before she sat down. A bunch of different types of people from all over. Yeah. All types of stuff. She got

dug out in the line to be let in to the theater. Speaking of lines how about at intermission when I tried we all tried to leave we tried to barrel out of there and I just walked into the line for the women's room. I'm standing there surrounded by women and I am holding the door open, putting my head in being like, well, this doesn't look like an exit. There's just a bunch of stalls and women are entering and exiting them. No one says a word. None of the women say, Hey, Mr. I know what you're trying to do. They're frozen in fear. Yeah, yeah, literally.

What was that? Yeah. I don't know. Because you know the way that the lady, the lady, outside of that entrance there's, it said ladies in that way and it said the same on the other side, gents. I didn't see the door. Different sign. It was already open when I got there. I held it open thinking we're gonna proceed down a stairway out the door. Right and the restrooms are going to be right there but you keep moving and you get outside. Straight on full barrel girls room. Pussies out. Just in there for 10 or 15 seconds but yet a simple hey wrong way. Oh I'm sorry no I'm just no one wants to misgender me. Is that the situation? Maybe I don't know You're at the theater. You don't want to cause the scene. Maybe they thought it was part of the show

Maybe they thought they were about Jean, but they're pretty miserable thinking about you being in there couple of them were less to Oh Empty angle oh, yeah Address your letters to Sam if if this is making you nauseous Unless it's well the camera angle if it's my body then you don't have to write to him about it. That's my fault I actually downloaded this app. So, you know the guy directed get out Jordan pool. Yeah, so it's called Get Out. Jordan Poole. Yeah so it's called Jordan Peele. It's called yeah Jordan Poole plays basketball. It's called Peelings. So you just like set up the slowly slowly slowly slowly zooms in

on us. That's all you ever wanted. While playing like little sounds in the background like. Let's get out. Yeah so that's kind of enhancing everyone's viewership yeah so we're staying in this first of all if I may first of all welcome to Chubby behemoth yes sorry we just jump into it I'm Kronndt pondler and this is as always my lovable co-host Todd your bird swell I'm Todd your bird swell and I enjoy a cottage in There's a lot of fun stuff to do those things the glue factory podcast Oh, yeah, I know Milo shout out that guy Milo on glue factory. He's one of the funniest dudes I've talked to in a long time. They were all lovely but man, he was fucking slam dunking

It was he said there was a guy named Guido Keller who was like a fascist like right-hand man And he was a nudist with a big mustache So he's funny and like Guido Keller funny name, you know, and then he said something about well, you know He wasn't easy because he was blind deaf and dumb and I went no one knew what I was talking about yeah yeah they say go another wicket has been rounded yes the pigeons in the henhouse wolves knocking on the door oh no Crystal Palace has entered a room full of stones someone's throwing bricks through Crystal Palace Edgewell bringing the ball up well passing in the midpoint line oh a nice bit of footwork oh another dandy play with the left and around the band here he is. Oh, and his shorts have fallen completely down. Oh, and he is exposed. Oh no loose dog on the pitch.

Guess why he said it straight for the jewels. His snout is well in there. Yes. And here's the police to arrest the dog. Oh dude. Okay. I just realized I was just dreaming. Really? When I, when slept, against all odds, when I went back to bed for several hours. I dreamt that there was some town Christmas celebration with snow everywhere, everybody's dressed up in Christmas stuff. There's some event with singing and speakers. JBL comes in, he's pissed, and he enlists me in helping him up the stairs because his knee is fucked up or something. What? Yes, dude, I just remembered. I don't know.

Then, John Bradshaw Layfield, wrestler for a long time. He's been retired for a while. He used to do commentary for WWE and Farouk were friends they yeah they they were a tag team APA there you are helping him up the stairs I like help him cuz he's hurt or something he's in a bad mood then I go yeah he's like kind of mean or whatever. But then I like walk away, there's a dog that's on its own, so I pick him up and try to find an owner for him. Then I go into like a small venue and you're there, like a venue, like a, you know, little bar, whatever.

And someone is like rude to me or something is annoying. And I'm like, what the fuck? Who's running this place? And a little woman is like, that would be me. And I was like, oh, okay, well this sucks. And then she's like, why don't you get out of here? Like, just what the... I haven't felt feverish all day, but something's going on.

It could have been all the candy. Candy doesn't make you have fever dreams of Christmas time. With like my 99th favorite wrestler. What the fuck? His finisher was a clothesline. Yeah, it was from hell though. It was, that was good. That wasn't the issue.

He works stiff. So yeah, so what? You left a big event with JBL? We didn't leave together, no. But you helped him up the stairs. Yeah, I like got him upstairs. So you're like leaving. I bail. I got other shit to do. I'm hanging out with this dog. I'm just trying to break it down. A little dog that I'm carrying around, like, I don't know whose dog this is. maybe it represents innocence or like a part of yourself You wish someone would help you with help help me like you're JBL and the dog and you're me and the venue on

You're inside of yourself like Joe ash right now He doesn't need to be inside of himself. Oh, man. You've got plenty volunteers. He's not just coming out of the shell, if you know what I mean. He, uh, so anyway, we, we went to lay Miz today and yes, really a blast. If you ever in London, it's all the time. And, uh, it's like, everyone was really good except for one guy. And I had refused to clap for him. I didn't know that. I didn't see withholding.

Yeah. Yeah. I told Joe this guy sucks sucks and then he went, I know. Okay. He said something to you that was like a prolonged sentence and I was like, you're going to get shush bro. I wanted to give him one of these. Yeah, I wanted to grab him by the nose and pick him up and put him right in the smelly pussy. Just boring him.

Last place he would want to be. Yeah. What if it, what if it fixed them? This is my thing now. Well, yeah, I asked him at one point, I was like, do you smell that? And he's like, I don't know what I'm looking for. And I was like, okay, well something reeks. And he's like, no. I was like, okay, well, do you smell anything? And he's like, maybe. And I was like, okay, does it smell at all? Like when you make a can of like, you make tuna fish sandwich

and you leave the can on the counter and then you walk away and you forget it's there. You walk away for a week and a half. Yeah, you walk away for a week and a half. A bunch of your buddies in there, friends come over, jizzing it. You didn't get most of the tuna out of the can. So a lot of it is in there getting bad, going bad.

Yeah, and like, imagine, you know, the tuna cans there, a bunch of flies come, they're eating it. And then the flies bring in crickets and then toads come in. And it's also spawning season so the toads start mating and giving birth in the sink. I imagine that smell. He's like, I don't know. And I was like, Oh, yeah, yeah I forgot you never had to do the job on someone's birthday never had to lay back and think of the flag yeah you you went into the women's bathroom at intermission I went down to the men's room I had to pee for sure I go in there there's two urinals one stall oh yeah I try to stand at one of the urinals, but guess what four dudes come in See that the three

available piss Pissers are taken and just go. Oh, I'll just stand and wait right behind Lund human Lund they're right behind there are less than a foot behind me. It's so cramped and small No sane person behind me. It's so cramped and small. No sane person, nobody with an ounce of respect for their fellow man would stay in there. You would go outside, you would form a line like the women have surely done since the beginning of time. Also, they don't have to go outside because every woman gets their own little palace that they get to do their business in because they...

Anything they can stand or sit. They're God's preferred creatures. Yeah they anything they can stand their gods preferred creatures Yeah, if they're sitting then no one can be mad at them. We have a fucking trough. It's like get in there There's a bucket and it's like gather around fellas And also you do like to pee like you like to pull your pants down to all the way all the way now That's you have done that once or twice. No, I have not think so the way. No, that's you have done that once or twice. No, I have not. I think so. You think so. If I did, it was definitely to make you laugh. It wasn't because that's how I be. Rest assured. But no, like the idea of these guys just being

right behind me and to them, I'm sure, you know, the idea is that, hey, if you have to pee, you have to pee. No, we all know this isn't true. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes your brain realizes it's weird when, and also if you drink, you don't give a fuck. But when you don't drink, you don't have the ability to always turn that switch off where you have to hold your breath. Yeah. Which I fucking didn't think about cause I was so mad because they were right behind me. Yeah. Didn't you tell them like, Hey, no, I bail.

And like the next guy goes up and I was like, yeah. Yeah, it's your turn now You know cuz you were standing right behind me. So I go outside with you. Oh, I'm not I'm not sure if it's intermission or not. I'm really not sure. I didn't either I'm pretty sure Because it felt like a big end of act one or midway point. The overture as Joe screamed into our heads. As Joe kept yelling, it's an overture. Yes, I know what's going on.

I was pretty sure we were at intermission, but I kind of hoped against hope that maybe it's an hour and a half and we're out of here. Maybe they're just turning and burning their foot in the room. Yeah, but they're doing a six o'clock, an 8. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, I don't know for sure until the, uh, the guy holding open the door says, will you be coming back in? And I said, God bless it. I am. And I get the little thing, little, little poker chip

that says sucker. Yeah. My dad swallowed his some more. So we had to beg. Your dad said no thank you because he thought it costs money. Yeah he did. He was like I'm good. He's like why you buy one get one. He's like no the plays halfway over and he's like what. Like yeah right pal. Yeah. Touch is doing this. I was born at night but not last night. Yeah you guys when you have a fiddler on the roof. Hey thanks for the tip. Here's one for you. Don't shower with your shoes on Dave T. How. My favorite tip is don't smoke in bed. Oh yeah. And that's a good one. A good one. I'll be using that. Well see but I always tip. I wish I was a

dickhead so I could use my line Over here the other day well no last night All right. Well what okay fine, you know, it's not the big now bring it up. It's fine. Blast me use me What am I Joe at that party? It's called the Fox fill me up Yeah, yeah, we're here with Joe Esch. Just to hose me down. Yeah. You know, reputed homosexual Joe Esch.

And good guy, funny guy, getting his degree over there in Luxembourg. He swung by to be here every waking minute. So... He's the... I sleep when you sleep. It's like you're a baby and I'm the mom when you sleep He's the first thing I see in the morning and the last thing I hear And he's sleeping in here in your room

Right over there. Yeah, just so nice of you because I would be pissed if I was you crazy that I'm not pissed No, no, no. You said that you thought there were three bedrooms in a living room. One of the pictures, this bed was not in here, this couch bed was not in here. One of the beds is in the living room. Misunderstanding, who cares? Except you know what I think part of today's weirdness is, is what happens to me when I've had too much fun

and it's all a bit much and I haven't had a lot of like quiet look at my phone time that lets me recharge. It's not just sleeping that like recharges my batteries. It's down time, it's not just sleeping that like recharges my batteries. It's Downtime it's not traveling or downtime or clown time or yeah Here. Yeah. Well, yeah, you know, it's round time either unconscious or we're walking to go do something right now for Joe It's brown time and He's a crazy party if he's getting I wonder if he's getting pissed on right now. I don't think he's listening to this He's still here he's like I stayed he's been the bathroom pretending to be the toilet seat There's some there's some account on threads that's a fake gas station and they're always posting updates and it's it's funny. Yeah, and one of them

caught a guy pretending to be a toilet and so the picture is a guy a guy like all in white like painted white like he's part of the wall There's a toilet attached like in front of him attached like in front of him. Like, oh, we caught stupid. And it's so fucking stupid. I can't remember the name of it, but man, they've gotten me a few times.

Just the- What do you mean? You thought it was real? No, no, no. They've gotten me hard. I've laughed hard at some of these, these fake truck stop posts where they're like, hey, you know, one of the fountain drinks was like piss or something, but it was out.

So it's like, sorry for the inconvenience that we don't have piss out of the fountain. Like just pretty wacky shit. Yeah. And then, yeah, the toilet guy. It'd be funny to just be sitting there like, looking around. Doing good. Don't smile too big. You have to, yeah, you have to have your eyes closed until they sit down so that they're facing away from you.

But you want to see them come in. You want to see their face. Yeah. Then you just over your shoulder you see some guy like, you shit harder. You feel his weane in your back yeah toilet hard what if a toilet could get hard right before we recorded I watched a video from 2005 where Evanescence was playing on stage and a guy a huge man was able to like run from either the side

or back of the stage or something, ran all the way up through the band members to Amy Lee and tries to like grab her and like scream, sing into the microphone with her. Whoa, am I still connected? And she freaks the fuck out. Check, check, check, check, check, check. Yeah. Okay.

She freaks out and screams and then backstage He's like I'm just singing and then I see a guy right next to us It was very funny and and security guard had was probably half the dude size But had what but walk dog walked him out, you know, like picked him up from his waist. Yeah, or like half Nelson Yeah, pretty impressive right pretty impressive security guy. Yeah Yeah, I mean that that story should not have followed a guy pretending to be toilet I'm just telling people what i've seen. No, I get it. I know I mean we've experienced a lot over here Do we talk dream I had? Yeah?

Dream is well, you should probably bring up this lady's vag some more. We haven't we haven't really cracked that case I mean, let's do a deep dive aro morris, it's a cold case. All right. Hey, Ken Burns, stay tuned for part two of the lady who was human. The lady was something wrong. Maybe that was the issue. There's something wrong with me. But yeah, unfortunately today I think I hit a bit of a wall when it came to enjoying and then combined with not eating. Oh, and then yeah, boy, did I overcompensate because we had a bunch of great noodles and then went to the candy store and I just housed. Well, we went to the hand pulled noodle and you didn't speak. You didn't, we left the theater and you didn't speak until our food arrived and look at

anybody. Yeah. You just pointed to the menu and the man went like this. and look at anybody. Yeah. You just point into the menu, and the man went like this. He said Godzilla under his breath. I did get a good burn, because your dad was trying to, or your dad said you would have been,

you were in Les Mis as a child? No, my dad, whenever he thinks of theater, he likes to cast what role I would have been when I was in high school. And he said, yeah, if Sam was in Les Mis, he would have been, and you said? The barricade. It was very good, and I said, he's back.

And that was about five bites into your soup. You finally mustered that. And you're talking about an hour and 45 minutes. I'm actually worried. God forbid. God forbid somebody's quiet for a bit, but no, I was like trying to not feel bad and weird and off. Yeah, I felt off. It was annoying. It was the coffee. You didn't get any coffee That was part of it the coffee and and not eating then everything goes to shit and then Everything is going to annoy me more than it should. Oh, yeah. I mean I knew to give you space

I wasn't bothering you. I wasn't being weird to you. You're the man I love you so much But yeah, I saw you eat your noodles and then we went to that candy store that my dad's been to twice now We've been twice. Oh, yeah, but it's always him. It's called treat Kingdom Kingdom of treats says well I'm the king of tree the Saudi Kingdom of Dirty Dave the turntable slave Aka Diamond Dave. Diamond Dave, yeah. David Lee talent.

David Lee Rothschild. Oh, he is the man. Dude, we walked. We got, you went in Glasgow, you went and did a podcast. Yeah, yeah. Two, right? Or one? I did one in Glasgow too yesterday. One in Glasgow. So we, Dave and I have to get out of the Airbnb and meet you at the train station to come to London.

And it's a 50 minute walk and it was beautiful out and I had my backpack and a stupid roller bag. But I said, you know what, Dave, if you're down, we should try to walk at least, you know, most of it or whatever. See how, see how, uh, how the streets are or whatever the the path you know if I can if I can lug this thing let's do it and we did and we talked about our sobriety and I love him so much I'm so glad I got some more time with him yeah he's always always glad to be able to talk to him and you know it's it's really good to get inside his head a little bit you know because I thought forever that my dad was one of these guys it's just like quiet and insightful and he asked questions and he you know

he has a great inner life every now and then he lets you inside you know pulls back the curtain blesses you with some knowledge I got to tell him again that I'll never forget his eulogy for for Betsy because it was so incredible just to be able to encapsulate a whole life together in such a beautiful way. So yeah he loves his wife but then now he loves his wife whatever. Yeah now though the other night he tells us you know what I like to do? I like to pretend when I go to a new place I'm in new surroundings that there's been some kind of event, like a, you know, apocalypse of some kind, and all the women who were there. I'm the only man with valid seed. I'm the only one who can procreate on Earth, and I like to pick my team of ten who I will

walk hand in hand into the future with and I ate a new world create a new world and I'm with my dick. I'm thinking it should have been you, you know, what's your brain still working? Not my mom's yeah brain still working. Not my mom's. Yeah, that's that's that's I'm just like, Oh no, the whole anime versus manga thing had me like, that's a long running thing. It sounds like, cause it felt like we were catching that mid-conversation. That conversation about what's anime and what's manga is the equivalent of me and my dad

playing chess through the mail in like the 1920s, where I send him one and then he thinks it over for a couple of days and he fires back. Seemed like he understood, but maybe not. He took a picture, God bless him, of what manga is. And he sent it to me, because he was in the British Museum that you went to with him the other day. Yeah, me, him and Joe, while you did more podcasts. And did a couple of pods, yeah.

Big pods, big British pods. Yeah, I did Meditations for an Anxious Mind, I think it's called. This kid, Frankie, from Ireland. He's writing his PhD thesis on the social media and the effect on personhood and identity and He's like really smart and shit But he does one of these shows where you like sit on the train and he interviews you you do you film a talk show? on the train Which luckily he was smart enough that I was able to have a conversation about how I can't tell if it's actual guerrilla art Or if it's just look at me Look at me, you know narcissism. I don't give a shit if all these people, you know

These like Malay people in Bengalis and West Africans were working 16 hours and now they're Bleary-eyed riding the train home for four hours of sleep and we're just here like, you know cutting up because I mean think gorilla gorilla theater was supposed to like elevate the masses and remind them of like The beauty around them, but I don't know if that does that. Anyway, it was cool and I look forward to seeing what he does with it. But yeah, he teaches the manga thing. It's not interesting. It just, you know, every now and then it makes me Google like, you know, Cliff near me.

How to explain to a father the difference between... Yeah, I got a chat GPT. How to break it down yeah burn through a generator answering questions oh he's a good guy but yeah I don't like knowing that that's what he's doing whenever he's quietly assessing a square in Paris he's just you know putting together his 10 lady squad and then like he's got the list that he crosses out when a new new entrance appears Pen knife in the arm Maury style tapping it in

Yeah, I mean I want to I don't like we don't have the relationship where I want to ask who's on his team but I am scared if I pointed out like just a normal looking like 33 year old woman if he'd be like No, and then I'm like well who and he points like a 19 year old Asian girl with high highs and I'm like dad It's for the not a fan. It's for the rest of Civilization. Yeah, it's to replenish the earth. It's fine. Nobody can be mad at me. Yeah. What I'm having in here, buddy, not out there. What are you worried about? What about don't worry. Emily's on the team. What about this? Okay. Uh, what you're you go and and do pods yesterday. Joe goes out to walk around and explore London. We haven't seen or heard Dave, so I'm almost positive he's gone. So I think I'm alone. So guess what?

It's egg time. Oh no, him making quiche. I jack it. Oh no. I clean my egg in the bathroom. I come back in here dude. Uh, yes. No, I can't remember But I'm in here I do my thing I rinse it out at some point later Joe comes back. Hey, what's up, Joe? And then Dave comes out and I was like, oh god. All right Dave was here man

Dave is here, man. When one of the main, oh yeah, one of the- Oh no, man, what if he was upstairs? What if he was right there? He's just so quiet. I didn't see him. What if he was dressed like a couch? Well then.

He was dressed up like a toilet when I cleaned it out. At least it wasn't the sink. With the kitchens above your room, so if he was just up there quietly like reading and having a cup of coffee while you're down here, with the sound on, Probably enjoying the sound. Sounds on. Ear buds in? No.

Yeah, sound. It's not loud. It's loud enough. It's low. Dave raised me. It's low and slow. He knows what it sounds like. I didn't have the technology you were rocking though.

If I had an egg, ooh. Yikes. So yeah, that was, phew, that was a close call. Oh yeah, that would have been the best thing to ever happen to me if my dad walked in on you whacking. The only way that gets better is if you walk in on my dad whacking. Dave, you got any lotion?

Oh, you sure do. It's the same at sunscreen. Yeah, that was, that was a poof after the fact. I was like, oh, God damn. Oh, one of the reasons I figured I should whack too is because that dreaming dreaming that dream session before two nights ago was sexual and luckily I didn't bust luckily I didn't ruin the bed Joe would have been in here cleaning up he would have saved that without

using his hands yeah I woke up and I was like oh god thank god I didn't not but then I was like I have to take care of this or else the next time my dream might be my last. God forbid it's about JBL. I tell you, I want to switch rooms. You got Joe duty now. Pull back the sheet and you're like, oh good. Oh wow.

Oh good, a puddle. Oh, wow. Oh, good, a puddle. Oh, wow. Oh, good, a puddle. Oh, wow. Oh, good, a puddle. Oh, wow. Oh, good, a puddle. Oh, wow. Oh, good, a puddle.

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Oh, wow. Oh, good, a puddle. Oh, wow. Oh, good, a puddle. Oh, wow. Oh, good, a puddle you left? Well you know when I used the egg everything was fine but when the downstairs just isn't cooperating it's time for hymns. Oh yeah man. Hymns provides men with access to affordable sexual health treatments so you can take charge of your sex life. Hey crack open those hymnals and sing a song to your cock. So that's that song be, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. It's the first of the month. Yeah. Got to grind, got to get mine.

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Well, you know what? Yesterday I just fucking buttoned down and I said, this is going to be a tough day, but I have to do it. And with that mindset, I powered through and I felt strong. That's great. What about all himed out? What about this? You thinking about we, we, we, we, we, uh, shared in the joy of the upcoming football season. Oh God. It's practically around the corner.

They're about to cut down to 53-man rosters, baby. How many fullbacks will the team have? If you're the Denver Broncos, we're going to have two. Will Troutman stay? Find out on whatever this is. Well, I'm saying get ready to win your fantasy league this season. It is your time. How many am I going to be in this year?

How many were you in last year? Five? Wow. I would take so much hymns that my heart stopped. Which is impossible. Because I'm down to zero. I'm down to zero leagues. And I'm telling you, I'll never go back to that life.

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I can't. So after Les Mis Lund, we ate the noodles and then he got a whole bunch of candy and then he ate it all. Then he ate some of mine. And then my dad's bag went missing while Lem was in the bathroom. And then we went to look for alapurinol.

I'm fucked dude, I took my last pill today. I know. I have Prednisone and I think I'm gonna have to chomp some Predno. I want you to. In order to get me through the next few days, get me home. I bet Jono's a guy at this party who can hook you with whatever you want.

I doubt they're snorting alapurinol. There's some old dudes, there's some old bears in that cave. Yeah, that's true. They're not just in the trough all night. They gotta walk home. But yeah, so you ate all the candy anyone's ever seen and then came home and just, you were laying in bed, you were like kinda nude. Me and Joe were over there playing magic.

Shirtless with shorts on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then all of a sudden you were just asleep and then it was 930 I fell asleep for a few hours, huh? So he's been asleep since about 7 He just passes out I guess now after he has too much candy I don't know. I was just kind of looking at you occasionally and being like what happened over there. I'll be the live And then hold a mirror up to my nostrils Yeah, then 1130 you rose like Lazarus.

And now here we are. Yeah man, I'm glad that you weren't ready for bed or else we wouldn't have done this pod and we'd be behind schedule. I kept telling Joe about hot dudes who were going to be at the party. I kept lying. I was like, Popeye's going to be there. Get out of here, you know? I want to be here with Lund alone. Well yeah, and it's tough when my condition where I'm freaking off and easily irritable if I'm around anybody except for like you or Dave because They just don't get it and Joe's just like what maybe I can cheer him up by talking to him or offering him ice cream

Like get away from me. Yeah showing him my jockstrap. I Yeah, I miss some of the some of the conversation you guys had about the ins and outs of the gay lifestyle, gay man lifestyle. You think that they're like animals. No, no, no, no, no. I'm literally doing research because my guy is gay in my next book.

Okay, yes. So I'm like asking questions that pertain to my literature and some of them I'm not I'm not being base with the young man I'm treating him like a peer you know well you also were like it just seems crazy or whatever it's like dude it's crazy this party is arranged and two strangers told him about it when he was walking by having a beer earlier yeah but I was saying like straight people go out to get laid all the time they go go to a bar or club.

Half of them just want to dance with their friends and get drunk. Maybe they meet somebody and talk to them and like them. But the other half are just as horned up and ready to go as as gay men. I think with gay men there is just less, oftentimes there's less of the little dance or they get to know you or the game that you play where you're like coy. I think a lot of gay dudes skip a lot of that and just put it out there and get it in and I'm not claiming to know anything about gay guys. Yeah, but you made it seem like it was like this other world and it's like, it's not that much different. Here's what I'm saying. Joe is going to a party where when you get there, there is a pants coat check. You have to give them your pants

You're allowed to be nude if you want to jeans are not a lot. You have to at least be in a jockstrap Or nude now that is a strange thing for two strangers to invite you to in the middle of the day That a bunch of other people know about I've been straight my entire life. I'm not saying that it's bad I'm saying that it is Different than my experience as a guy who likes a gal different in a bad way No, there's just not I don't know if there's parties out there where I'm like, hey You want to go to this party? There's a bunch of chicks who are walking around nude But there are there's parties me and you sex parties in

Imagine two people see us walking by and they say hey, there's a cool party should go about It's down at the the manhole or the man, which excuse me. They slap you in the belly. Yeah, the man which come on down Sloppy Joe. Yeah, it's a BYOD Be your own bring your own dangler bring your own dick dangler Dumpers whatever you got to have something to show Yeah, come on a bunch of bunch of people will just be getting together if you walk in you're pretty much like down to clown So that's cool. You know come on in yeah, there are a lot of places like that Well, I wasn't I didn't know that you were just living this crazy life and not telling me about it

I'm not saying I'm going in there and and stuffing and being stuffed I'm saying I know about them you know about them them, you hear about them. I really don't, I know there's swingers and there's the lifestyle, but as far as like, hey- You know Kyle Pogue, he's been to all these crazy freaking parties where anything goes- Kyle Pogue's in a wild like relationship built upon fun stuff like that, you know? But I'm saying gay men, it's almost like their lifestyle is just either adjacent to, or readily accessible to that freewheeling kind of thing like sex forward or whatever sex positive. I think it's a lot of sex backward. And then a bunch of it's whichever way they want. Yeah and I brought up the other day to

Frankie that kid on the train yeah and then he was like well what if I would it be better or worse if I told you I was a homosexual and I was like better wait worse no I guess it's the same I don know man, but you guys can do it face to face. This is my stop He's like what yeah, give me my microphone mate spike it in the tracks Take his hat this was all off the record. Yeah, I didn't consent to this Mate He showed up you sat down. Yeah, I was feeling it out. I know you don't like this gotcha journalism I didn't sign anything. Yeah, so you'll be hearing from my lawyer if this is on YouTube you're going down

It's not it's not Instagram. I'm quite successful. Oh, well That'll help me fine. Also. Yeah, you would not be invited to something like that because you are not going to a bar That's either gay or poly or swinger bar sex bar. You're going to a sports bar. You're going to a Buffalo Wildwood There's not designated bars for they're talking about full backs not saying my back is full Not how all stops are go back is full. Yeah. We're talking about Mike Allstott and not how Allstopserve go. You're nowhere, you're not really near any of that world but it's right there. I mean it's our world. We're just living in it. Yeah, no, I mean I'm glad to know it's out there and

you would find it easily if you asked a couple people or whatever. I told Joe that I was going to use his head like a pin cushion earlier and I'm glad to know that someone's actually doing that. It's funny just to think about having a guy and just putting pins in his head and keeping him there. Yeah and he's fine. Yeah he loves it. It's his job. What did you say about a tomato that someone who sews a lot uses? Is that a fabric? It a fabric tomato. Yeah, you put your pins in it. I just had I'm just painting him. I'm not even doing much sewing Here you go Joe Joe hey buddy any of those pins back be right over Pins are like, you know, you get a hundred of them for a nickel but no any mine

Got my grease on him Yeah, hopefully he survives and he can make it we're gonna be in a Manchester tomorrow Which is my sister the molester. It's my grand uncle's name Chester. Hmm. My grandpa thought he was gay I think It's one of his brother. I'll say my dad My dad really went down early too, but he also ate a tremendous amount of candy Maybe you and him got drugged. I Opened both bags myself. They were sealed. Yeah You're really crushing them. You were crushing those. What are those things called those panda bears? Hello panda or panda?

Yeah, the cookies with the with the cream inside. Yeah, you were just scooping them out of the bag you got the bag Two days ago. Yeah, and they went kind of quick. We shared them and they were gone I wanted to see what other flavors they had they only had the one caramel well They had different flavors, but it wasn't in a reasonable serving size. No the other those other ones were caramel They had oh the little tiny bag. Yeah Yeah nuts. Yeah, was that for a newborn? Yeah supposed to eat this out of someone's mouth Shut up. Yeah, that was unfortunate at kingdom of treats

I thought I'd have access to all the goodies in the world my kingdom for some vanilla Panda stuffers Yeah, there's a bunch of flavors I wanted to really get get nuts. Strawberry panda stuffers. Yeah, instead I get the one bag of caramel and then a big bag of lifesaver gummies. Exotic flavors. Before we got I almost said erotic flavors. It was exotic flavors. Like man's penis, yeah. Man's penis. Horse anus. Nipple. Vulva.

It's vulva flavored. It tastes like salt and vinegar. I got both of those going. Well, God, I wouldn't have eaten so many of them outside of the store if we weren't waiting for Duddy for 25 minutes. Yeah, I walked in and he was. He got lost in the kingdom. He got lost in the supermarket. He was a clash. He got put in the stocks.

Yeah. He was like a Sims character just bumping around in the corner. He was leering. So he got put in stocks and people were kicking him in the butt. Yeah. They were throwing fabric tomatoes at him. And he kept saying, you're on the list. And they were like, what does that mean?

That's my son, who I told about it for some reason now. It's in his act It's been fun to say about my dad hey ladies make sure you go to the bathroom in groups Yeah, yeah insinuating that he's a sex criminal Then he and then I get off stage and he's you know, he has he's misty eye cuz about proud he is of me Yeah, that has been cool for him to see how we've amassed a following, how we have fans that are genuinely excited and grateful to meet us and see us. Yeah, it was so nice. Especially over here, because as Joe decided to explain instead of me, people over here because as Joe decided to explain instead of me people people over

here appreciate I think when American acts will come over here across the pond it's skipping like a stone it's something that a bunch of comics I don't think do because maybe it doesn't pay off or work out or it's difficult to come back with money even on this yeah I, I'm ruined, but there is something fun I'm glad that you like traveling. Yeah, and they appreciate it and I can't take the money with me, but I can take you That's right And Yeah last night

Glasgow was great and London last night was great Except somebody on reddit summed up my half-hour performance of my art with one was okay And I undid fine really great quote. No it was Lund was okay, okay, and I really didn't appreciate that at all Yeah, if all the ones to say that about last night was not the one no You got done the round of applause went on for maybe 25 to 30 seconds. It was like the point where you were like, all right, hey, thanks everyone. And then it got louder and ramped and ramped. And I was laying on the couch in the green room being like, what what's going on out there? Did he

just get someone's birthday? Did he just tell them the Queen's dead again? Is there peace in the Middle East? Yeah, what happened? He figured it all out? Cancer's been cured? Yeah. No, yeah, it was a really nice, like... You crushed. ...prolonged amount of applause when I tried to just say, all right, that's it for me,

thank you so much, and, you know, we're going to do a quick intermission. I had to stop talking because people wanted to give it up for me, and then one guy was like, huh, it was just okay. Maybe he was nagging you so you talk about him. Yeah Well, he got what he wanted cuz I responded to his car Yeah, what do you say? I said, oh, I Thought that I did a Did I thought it did quite a good job because of the prolonged applause at the end of my set? But it's nice to know that I just did okay

because of the prolonged applause at the end of my set, but it's nice to know that I just did okay. You're mixing it up with the marks? You're going into the crowd? Why not? Sometimes I need to know we're real people. We're not, we're products. I'm just a guy. Like, I came all the way over here to entertain people

and I was really glad that I did. Yeah, did a good job. And then for the guy to, I mean, also, it's like, okay, his argument, or this person could be a woman, but it's not, it's a dude. He must've said, you know, maybe he thinks, oh, it's funny because I'm underselling it, but nobody knows that.

So then if everybody reads that, they think, oh, maybe one kind of ate it or maybe he was tired or he didn't give a shit, which is the opposite of what was happening because I really want to do a good job over here. I've seen you before though. Dublin. Dublin in twenty twenty three. Really great response. We're really happy with you know that show London nervous because it's this really nice old theater but then one of us did OK. We do. Now we did a really good job and it was cool. I came back into the Royal Albert Hall and then Bush Hall Not silver chair hall. Yeah, nobody laughed at that. No one ever has no one should it's no It's too far silver chair factored very heavily into my life. They were too young. I think of course

I mean, oh, we know what's funny over here is the God smacks sublime joke Nothing. Nothing. Yeah to the point where last night I knew it wasn't gonna work and I went that's right Not one but two references that don't work a A lot of comics would do one and bail, not me. There was a guy from The Guardian there last night. Oh yeah. They're reviewing my book tomorrow on The Guardian. And I am giddy with anticipation to buy a newspaper and read it on the train.

Crazy. I know, I know. What if they hate it? That would be. I don't think that people really. What if they expose me for being an imposter? No, I don't think so. They say it's doing an impression of a book. I wondered how the running the light was going to be, if it was going to be close, but not quite there. The next one, you know, you will will be better

because you went through the initial initial the first process and it was You know a solid effort. No, it's fucking like I lost myself the kind of reading where you don't think Oh this is a person who sat down and tried to be clever or entertaining and failed or came up a little short or had some missteps no and it was just Solid and like impressive and I was very proud and happy for you because I was like holy shit this is not something that a Bunch of people are gonna be able to poke holes in because I I don't want to but I would I'd be honest I'm proud of the book myself or with you. So yeah, I don't know

I mean obviously holding it in hardcover over here. Yeah, cuz White Rabbit put it out in hardcover over here. I Think that that has really fucking warped my brain. Like opening it up. It makes it more real or whatever. Oh my God, it makes it so real. Taking off that dust jacket and seeing. All the dust. Carved into the spine, you know, like however they do it.

Like that's how books are. When you can read it with your thumb, it's a fucking book. And I can read my book with my thumb now and that really blew my mind And I'm wondering if I could good review by the observer tomorrow or the Guardian. I can't remember which one it is Okay, well one of them. It's a big one the Daily Mail. Yeah. Yeah the Daily Stormer American Pig brings his slop to Jolly old Oink question mark. I just don't yeah wonder blast. Yeah. What if they say it's dangerous and he uses he uses a

lot of words we don't use over here. You know, no, no, I wouldn't think that it would be reduced to that by just say by a real publication Oh what I'm saying though is maybe if they it's good review I think this market's still small enough that like that could move a bunch of hardcover units and then You know, maybe I'm a bestseller in London. I'm putting out the cart way ahead of the course, but I mean I'm I want to be a good review. So maybe you can like move some shit. Yeah, but if it's a bad review I don't really know if that's gonna matter so much right now. I think it's kind of a win-win What a read it I want to I might like be up late looking on my phone to see if they post it But that's that's insane. I want to crack it open and read it. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be better damn it

In the paper. Yeah, get your hands on it getting the ink on it. Yeah while we go up to Liverpool and then over to old Manchester. Yeah while we go up to uh, Liverpool And then over to old manchesty. Yeah, i'm doing uh, adam rose podcast. That'll be fun dirty jobs And then we're hopping in a car the three of us duddy's staying here by himself He says that uh, he there's like these like message parlors and he wants to see if he can Like send a text to his girlfriend He can't get, he can't get his SMS isn't working. So he's going to go to a message parlor. I didn't, I don't know.

I couldn't remember. Oh yeah. What about when we're walking to eat the first night here, we were headed to Chinatown, which also has a bunch of strip clubs, casinos, gentlemen clubs, and all the guys in suits outside barking, hey fellas, you looking to party? We got dancers, we got girls in here. My response the first couple of times, oh, I'm gay. Yeah, we're gay.

And then I realize, oh, you know, that could be the perfect trap because they're like, hey, we got a boy's room or whatever. And then my response would have to be, yeah, you're talking about young men. I want boys and then what if the response is we've got that too right this way, sir Yeah, they bring you in a secret entrance Yeah, I have to go along with it. You have to go or else you just lied about being gay You get in trouble

Yeah, I think I don't know. I have to watch little kids stripping. Like, that's very good. Yeah, wow. This is my thing for sure. I love this. It looks like you guys are getting ready to close. So I should probably bail. They're like, no, no, we don't close.

Oh, okay. Well, good. Cause I can't get enough of this. This is my thing. This absolutely rocks. So why would I, why would I leave? Yeah, yeah, no. Do you have like a bed I can sleep in?

I'll just stay here. Do you guys have any candy? Can my dad's, my friend's dad come up here? Yeah, I didn't eat a bunch of candy. You would think that a guy like me would bring his own candy. But no, no, no. You guys supply the kids. I ate all the candy. And now I'm very tired. So I need some more candy or a big pillow

like a cat would lay on. Yes, yes, no, of course, do the highly erotic dancing. Carry on. I'll be over here just absolutely wrapped with attention. Did you, at first in Les Mis, did you think that one or two of those child actors was actually a little adult? I was hoping so much that the lead boy who gets shot was a dwarf

Yeah, yeah when he came out and he like grabbed that woman and he was singing I was like well They're not gonna let a kid handle the rock like this. He'll blow it Please let it be a dwarf. I Were like a some kind of smush. Oh, well what I thought For just like the maybe the first like kids song or something was huh? I wonder if they have like a small woman singing And is is portraying a boy because you know, right right right right the Singing voice. Yeah, but I didn't think even a little person for sure as much as maybe a small woman.

But pretty quick, it's like, nope, these are kids. There's three kids in this play, this massive play. Yeah. And they were great. The only one who sucked was Caudet. Was that her name? Cassell? No, no, Caudet, the girl, the love interest for the man.

I think it's, oh, Cosette. Cosette. Yeah. Howard Cosette. Yeah, Howard Cosette's lover. Les Miserables. John Valjean takes the stage tonight. On the line, the future of France.

French revolution is upon us folks. Jean Valjean. Young Howard Cosette, ready for a new life away from her horrible foster parents. From Urchin to Enzone. Young Cosette making moves in 18th century France. Paris isn't ready for young Cosette. It's me, I'm Howard Cosette.

Getting in on Lund's me. I'm Howard Cosette getting in on Lund's bit. Proud father of young Cosette. Jean Valjean. 6410. From a number to a legend. 6410? What's that? Oh, the prisoner number. It was four, what's that? Oh the prisoner number? Yeah, it was four. What was it four two six one?

Oh four two But yes, you were gonna say the only negative the only less than stellar performance Yeah, Howard cosettes boy stunk the young hit a fucking note the young life the young man who was in love with Cosette yeah the castrato chode I Boy stunk the young hit a fucking note the young life the young man who was in love with Cosette yeah the castrato chode I did is hard to be I didn't notice him blowing it Well, yeah, cuz you were thinking hot dogs or hamburgers. Yeah, which one am I putting in first? What am I gonna eat after Sam makes us eat at this noodle place? Nothing a bunch of candy. Yeah, no, but I thought maybe I would double dip. I thought we were gonna go out tonight when you woke up,

we're gonna have a big meal out in the town, you and me. But then Joe took the keys so we could go get debauched. You'll get wrecked from all angles. Yeah, we're going to, I wanna know how much those guys get paid. Oh, the actors? Yeah, because Jean Valjean by the end of it, you could tell he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah,

I'm the best, that's my whole thing. I think Hugh Jackman was Jean Valjean at one point and he was supposed to be awesome at it. On stage and then in the movie? I don't know. I think he was in the movie. Was he? I know he did it on stage. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that he was in the movie adaptation.

His Oklahoma is crazy. Oh yeah? Yeah. What, did you download it on casa? No, I watched it in a theater class. I remember. Oh, okay. Yeah, cause my theater teacher was all about showing like what like a multi-talented person could achieve. And he was like, look look at what's his name?

Hugh Jackman? Yeah he's like Hugh Jackman is not very good actor, he's not very good at fight scenes, he's not a good singer but he can do all of them enough that when he does them all at once you're like this is the best guy to ever do this and his Oklahoma was like nuts. He's doing the big spins and like this thing and singing you know. And like not looking like a pussy while being a total pussy because he's in a musical, you know, cool stuff. It's cool guy. All the tricks, the tricks of the trade from your small town high school drama to Travis, the man Mitch Travis. What did he ever do? Who'd he ever be?

Join the patreon patreon.com slash chubby behemoth We should have talked about it earlier in the show tomorrow people who don't listen to the very end wouldn't know there's a patreon That was crazy. I was like I've listened every episode. Oh patreon to know you guys have a patreon what how did you miss the end? end we plug it every time and we're some of the some of the funniest shit is at the very end Of the episode that every episode never heard of say that before so that's too bad, but some Some some people didn't know patreon.com. Oh, yeah, Boston comedy studio June 8th It's a really small room. We flying in the studio apartment fresh from Europe I'm gonna be kooky and strange and I think the fancy lad skate team is gonna be there. I'll play some stickers for everyone Eugene what's in there candy Dayton? I don't know what we're gonna be. Eugene is June 12 13 14th, Australia Tickets are doing quite well. So if you want to buy the rest of them I can probably like add a show or two here. They're adding a second show. Lurp them up Auckland. Yeah. Yeah

So get Sam talent calm Nathan long comedy calm hit me up if you want a hat I'll ship them to you get the hats by the book here in the UK. Bye. Bye