Chubby Behemoth - Drama Parrot

Episode Date: April 2, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Steel Drum Music. Fogle Brain. Lizard King *Snakes.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

uh i didn't i actually nailed it uh i just i asked sophie if you had like stayed with her or you know what the deal was last night and she was like no and she got worried and i was like i'll bet he hasn't slept in a week and so he is sleeping and i was pretty sure i was right you were sure that was a nice reasonable answer. Instead of my sister, my dad and my wife hacking my email to find out what hotel I was at. And then calling into the mainframe. I don't know how you call an individual room in a hotel. But fucking Columbo and Magumbo got to the bottom of it. And now here we are.

Podcasting. Columbo. Yeah. Columbo. got to the bottom of it and now here we are podcasting column glow yeah column we glow hey the audio is bad i'm sorry i lost my laptop somehow so yeah everyone's gonna be pissed i'm doing this over my phone but my laptop is missing you know what's on that laptop a little novel i've been working on so everybody can shut up for two seconds i'm supposed to be dead i'm supposed to be dead right now and i'm not so maybe just focus on that for a fucking second instead of the fact that i'm recording this over earbuds you greedy pigs you sound good uh i feel as good as i sound all right oh yeah baby i thought maybe you were gonna be oh you are hung you are hung over no i'm not hung over i just i you know what i did

i was drinking bud lights of course because fucking gillison with crew were in town but uh i was i smoked cigarettes last night that's very shameful i smoked about three american spirits with young Sean Gardini. And now my throat hurts. Mmm. And so you're drinking Pedialyte. I have four different beverages. Oh.

Yeah. I got this. You're in downtown Denver? I have coffee. I have a big water. I have a Glissow Smart Water. I water i don't want so smart about it it can't by itself it can't buy itself but i missed a word it can't talk by itself you have to talk for it no i just said it can't buy itself and then also i have core power vanilla high protein milkshake

don't lay down you're gonna fall back asleep yeah i'm gonna pass away again i don't know what you guys are laughing about you guys are probably stoked when you thought i was dead you're like yes oh yeah it's our turn just as the podcast just as things are starting to go well yeah for you to die i was like oh good timing sam yeah he's so selfish why would he do this to us dying right before i was gonna retire my sister last night uh was trying to fucking drag me over the coals because i was like yeah i'll let you know where we wind up after the show. You know, I wanted to hang out with the fucking Philadelphia contingency because I'm never going to see him. And I was like, we go to Wide Right.

And Shane's like, yeah, man, I don't know. It's difficult, you know, because I'm like, well, he didn't he didn't say it in a nice, reasonable way. He said, I'm fucking famous now, bitch. People, people, people won't leave me alone if we go to a comic-con bar and i was like all right we're gonna sell them 15 and they're like yeah there's a dj there i can't do a philadelphia accent there's a dj what we gotta do we'll listen to the music can't do that man you know that was that was that was beazer so we just sat in the Paramount and drank until like 3am. And Sophie was like, I can't believe you don't want to hang out with your sister.

I can't believe you don't want to see me right now. And I was like, bitch, I see you all the time. I'm over here. And no, you can't come into the Paramount after hours. No girls allowed. It's full. Yeah. We're eating beef jerky.

People are smoking cigarettes. this is not for women this is not for girls what somebody said that you were a surprise opener was that just because they didn't know yeah it's because people don't know who the openers are at all gotcha yeah i mean anyone who opened for Shane was a surprise. The people are like, it was pretty sick. I had Beezer bring me on. It's from Elizabeth, Colorado. And the heads in the crowd were like,

oh, I'm a slut. And I came out there and was like, what's up, you slut? Everybody's on all fours, and I know what to do. And I spent around dipping my ween inside of people's butt cheeks. This one needs more oil. This one has enough.

You're going to hate this. Your sound's going to work better if you sit up. Why? Because it's bouncing off the headboard and your headphones are cutting in and out to try to make up for it. So we have to start over no you're fine i just i just knew you weren't gonna like that advice we'll make the next 45 minutes better well bro we have to start over though we can't have bad pot up top no you it only

you were only sounded bad for a minute yeah well people are gonna fucking kill us they're gonna be so mad at us they kill us okay you're hungover i'm not hungover i'm a realist i'm the only one who tells the truth in this triad we told some truth yesterday with sharpie what was truth? That he sleeps in a drawer? That Brent Gill gave him an office chair and even when it's as low to the ground as it can be, his feet still dangle. That's pretty cool. Also, I'm a snake dad now. We have a snake

because of Megan's brother and sister-in-law wanting to get rid of a member of their household. What the fuck, dude? Why does this keep happening to you? Why do you keep being tricked into stupid animals?

Yeah, because I hate having a dog who loves me who is sweet. You still think that? I'm trying to get out of this alliance. Yeah, that's why you got the snake because now mama's now mama's done for you you got a fucking snake dude we didn't buy one we took the snake in it had nowhere to go it is a snake from which brother which one of which one of the brothers justin they have two they got the kid they were scared that the baby was going to eat the snake this is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard.

What kind of snake is it? I don't know. Some type of constrictor. It's cool looking. You don't know what kind of snake it is, but it's cool looking. Yeah, who cares? I do. I care very much. You have a snake. Yeah, hell yeah.

You don't need a snake. Don't need one but we got one nothing about you said snake owner what are you talking about gotta roll with the punches man you're not you don't wear a sleeveless shirt and a top hat a hole in the top of it i do now yeah that's where the snake goes into the top hat you don't smoke little cigars and wear those shoes that have your toes visible? You don't wear toe shoes? You have a snake? Yeah. Oh, my God, dude.

I'm Nate the Snake. But my dad's dead, so he can't diddle me. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say about this i know we're supposed to riff and yes and and be positive but you should not have a snake yeah those those are our that's our credo yes and be positive no celebrate each other yeah i broke a rule i'm breaking the rule i'm the one podcasting via earbuds, and everyone's going to kill me. Did you ask Hiker if he has your laptop, and he said no?

Well, let's go over the last 15 minutes of my life. I'm asleep. I don't exist. I'm in the nether realm. I'm just warm in the void. Finally, after fucking trying to put food on both your dumbass plates by being in the podcast minds for eight hours a day in old New York. I didn't even get to go to Central Park. All right.

Sorry. Did you get to go to Central Perk? No. Well, I went to the Friends Museum, but I guess my views were too inflammatory. I went to the Friends Museum and I kept saying, 6 million? Really? I don't think so. 6 million people watch this show?

Allegedly. That's inflated. More than 100,000 is still a lot, guys. I mean, 6 million viewers for this show? I've seen the footage. There's no shadows of the smokestacks coming off of Central Perk. Holocaust denier getting confused. Friends was one of the concentration camps.

How many people watch this? Yeah, right. Don't be a friend's denier. It happened. It did happen. Oh, man. I was more of a... Oh, God.

Hold on. Every noise that I make is going to be captured. Just barfs. I want to honk up a snorgie, but I don't know how to mute this. Hold on. Here we go. I don't know. Luckily, he's showing us still. At least it's a dynamic camera movement to show us.

Now we're seeing the belt he has attached to the wall did you guys catch that yeah what was that hey shut up about the belt oh no he's alone that should be wearing suspenders yeah weird is that a comedy condo uh no I'm in the Hyatt Centric downtown Denver nice well yeah I didn't notice that until right now that is funny there's one over there too

the bench looks like yourist at a wedding how many people have tied off using those things i don't know dude oh yeah that's 15 minutes of my life which is me pleasantly asleep happy for once two phone calls come in through the uh the very loud hotel room phone i can't figure how to answer the first one so i just start pressing buttons i'm pressing the emergency button so i've called 911 moments after waking up i hang it up emily calls back. I answer, you're live. Oh, my God. You're live.

We're so worried. You were supposed to podcast. Podcast and you did it. Nathan called Sophie and Sophie called your dad and Duddy called me. We're just so afraid. So this was all a domino that fell because of your fat finger pushing the first stone. And then, so i hang up on that i'm like fuck what the fuck everyone thinks i'm gonna die oh god what have i done

and i get a call from the front desk being like did you call 9-1-1 9-1-1 trying to get a hold of you so then wake up 9-1-1 called me for an autograph yeah they said hey can we get tickets to the late show tonight and i said i don't want to ask that sounds like a hassle i didn't call sophie i was on instagram and she shared a picture of a burrito that i was pretty sure was from la beja and so i asked if that's where it was from she said yes and it had been an hour since we were supposed to pod and so i asked her if she you stayed with her last night so i could know like oh he's yeah he got up and at 11 30 and is driving back to fort collins or something i didn't want to freak her out and then she said

immediately i'm i'm as worried as ever and i was like god damn it here it goes it's like when i was manic all over again and you got everybody scared about me yeah dude you gave a fucking cookie to the drama parrot and now she's clucking all over town except i didn't post on facebook has anyone seen sam because then you had 8 000 people well yeah thank you for not doing the dumbest thing you could have done yes you should be that's what you did that's what you did with me has everybody seen lund and then everybody freaks out i was 15 i was so afraid no you were not this old guy this old guy i knew when awol and it was and i was like i know you had military training it was like random i'm like oh no he doesn't have his heart medication he left his life alert at the zoomies

yeah i forgot about that but yeah i did do that you did trying to drive up engagement and look listeners if you're trying to grow a platform the best way to do it is to post about your friend maybe having disappeared uh yeah that was a lot what do they post like is lund dead yeah you're just like has anybody seen lond or something and it was so it was cryptic and people freaked out damn well i think you were also you were also a cryptic freak at that point to be honest oh hell yeah i was looking toads yeah you were like the jersey devil you were pretty much tats you were just like spinning around in circles climbing up trees

whatever entered your orbit was either eaten or fucked you were you were you were a hungry horny little fucking hippo and god was playing your paddle you're just slapping your fucking little paddle that was a bad time see i think yeah i'm the bad guy you put me through that i'm the victim it's funny that you called 9-1-1 immediately they can't get a hold of they can't get a hold of you back so they call emily and she's like what yeah this is 9-1-1 we received a call from your husband's hotel room she just starts driving south yeah no she's in Michigan she's like I just talked to him yeah Sophie loves Sophie I mean god bless her I'm glad she doesn't hope me dead but Jesus you give Sophie that little nugget and she's like, Oh my God, Mal, Keith, can you believe this? Sam's dead.

Sam took his own life in a hotel room because he didn't want to hang out with us last night so much. The idea of hanging out with us last night drove him to kill himself. Oh my God. What am I going to do with all my dad's money?

Oh my God, guys, I just found out i'm the sole benefactor of my dad's will so much more tax problems she posts another picture of another burrito from la veja she's like oh i didn't know what to do this This is what he would have wanted. Me to start spending the money immediately on bullshit. So you got another show tonight or two? Two tonight? Yeah. Two last night?

Yeah, two last night. Four shows at the goddamn Paramount is it like 8 000 people yeah it's the easiest shop in the world i'm not saying you should be i'm not saying you should be scared or nervous i'm just marveling four shows of the paramount is a lot of people yeah i mean you get used to it man who cares just another day at the office for a guy like me. No, it's very cool. We were having a couple last night, ripping it open, talking it back. It was nice.

I was so fucking tired last night. Shane kept being like, you quiet? Why are you so quiet? What are you talking? You don't want to talk to my friends? You always love to talk when no one else is around. I'm fucking tired. I farted on Gardini's lap that got a big laugh yeah yeah you know it's a fun one well i don't know if it's so much fun for the victim but farting on someone's bare skin with your bare skin is really fun when did you when have you done that i mean i've done that in my history you know

a lot of football and wrestling practices went awry oh i didn't do that to gardini last time but i was laughing about like if his belly was exposed and i put my bare ass on his belly and if you could if you could frame it just right so that the fart goes in their belly button it creates this kind of like oroboro situation it could kill them it could kill me too because it goes back in my body it's like a feedback loop you could you could power a house for a year yeah i like doing it when you're sleeping butt to butt oh yeah have you ever done butt to butt where you're in the uh the l-shaped device what's that couch uh so i'm gonna i don't know how to show this to you follow my finger ready so down over down right you see this

see what i'm doing here yeah so these are these are the legs all right and then this is the bend in the knee into the groinal area. And then this is the torso. All right. So torso, but legs, you can then do it the opposite way where someone over here is going torso, but legs and your butt to butt that way.

So you can sleep in like a small rectangular area, like a closet. Me and Clay perfected it. We were, when we were showing a closet in Ithaca, New York. Oh, right. You form like one solid tetris piece right yeah exactly it's that tetris piece that goes like this whoop-dop-boop-doop yeah or actually it went the my home you know yeah you see they made a tetris movie i watched it last night what the hell it's not a movie about like you're not watching

tetris you're watching the guy who secured the rights from the russians when it was crazy when the curtain was falling so it's even more boring no it is good no tetris no actual gameplay there's a little bit they show it a couple times. But it's about this guy pulling off the wildest business move ever because he was desperate and doing crazy shit. Going into Russia not knowing anybody back when it was

impossible to do good research. Let me guess who stars in it. James Spader. No, but that would have made sense. It's Taron Egerton. Taron Killam. Taron Killam.

SNL. Egerton. Stars as the big squirt. Tetris. Yeah. It was good. Michael J. Fox adds the straight line. Michael J. bowl adds the straight line

michael j fox adds the squiggly one and of course lund as the block that'd be good money cool good exposure that'd be huge yeah people are always looking forward to you showing up too in one post i'm like, Sam Talon is gone. But in other news, I'm in the Tetris movie. Yeah. I hope you are in the Tetris movie, honestly. I'm not.

It's already out. I'm in the Dr. Mario movie, but I don't have a speaking role. Yeah. It's all facial expressions and then I fall and then I get turned into a pill. There you go. Bruh. Dr. Mario

ripped. Now that this is a visual medium, we can have fun. We can go bop bop bop bop bop bop. You kind of look like the Patreon Chubby Behemoth guy. No. No. Stop. I can't stop.

I'm gurney. You're going to have an aneurysm. Yeah, that's substraining. He's going to be stoked. Yeah, you die mid-pod. He died doing what he always tried to do fill time on a podcast check out the exclusive video on the chubby behemoth youtube page oh yeah we have that now everyone so you can get on there hey listeners guess what you've been doing a good job because this podcast is ascending we're fucking at the top of the charts kind of we're getting surprisingly surprisingly high so high that three different

advertising firms hit me up immediately and they said hello we are borscht and co we like to profit off people's giggles we turn laughter into money in our device. Do you want to advertise? Advertise bullets. Advertise guns for us. We're worse than Trump. We're trying to win the propaganda war in Ukraine, so we're hoping that you guys will be pro-Russia on the podcast. That'd be cool.

Please have Vladimir Putin on the pod. Hey, when you have the Putin man, have the poot man? He loves when somebody has them. Yeah. Please no jokes about his last name sounding like a girl's fart. Don't do that. No jokes about pooting or the poot man

or pooting your boot knit. Don't do that. Well, did you guys have a big week away we haven't talked in so long yeah it feels like it's been a while it has man yeah it's been good I was alone last week while Megan was in Savannah so that was weird

you're so weird you wound up with a snake i didn't buy a snake i didn't find a snake i didn't trade for a snake the snake was fucking thrust upon me yeah it was thrown at you like a gypsy baby yeah i didn't keep it yeah something about you guys just has like hey get you get stuck with Animal face People know that if they've got Just an unwanted pet

You guys will take it in Ew Who started a lawnmower? That was a rough one Oh god So I don't know why carlos hasn't posted the picture yet but there was a really bad picture taken of me yesterday while i was bowling awesome we were trying to raise money for the art cartopia museum which is a very fun little roadside place in trinidad you can stop off

see all these cars that people have decorated with all kinds of different stuff it's fun yeah it's great we were bowling and apparently my joggers my walmart brand uh maternity pants were not staying up due to my lack of ass and so carlos said there was a woman there that was also taking pictures of everybody who was like desperately trying to get the moment that i would like release the ball and my ass crack was out and she wasn't i don't think she was able to but carlos did and so that's the first thing you see is like my hairy ass crack just a little bit it's very uh flirty it's not uh completely dumped but the gym it's like that's the under boob equivalent of your ass crack yes yeah just a taste just to get you just get you

horned up but the the main thing that i saw was that you can see, like, my shirt is open a little bit at the bottom. So you can see my gut from the back. That's what I thought it was. It's a lot. It is a whole. That's exactly what I thought it was. I thought it was the under of your belly exposed when you were in motion while bowling. I can see it in my head.

I know what it looks like. It's disgusting. It's pale. I've seen it. It's crazy. You know all about it my head. I know what it looks like. It's disgusting. It's pale. I've seen it. It's crazy. You know all about it. Yeah, I do. It's about as big as it's ever been.

Oh, yeah, dude. That fucking pale balloon of yours. Yeah, it is a fucking scene. And I don't know why he hasn't posted it yet. I think he's like getting a patent or something because he's going to cash in. He's talking to lawyers. Oh my god. I bet you look so gross.

I do. And that's the way you looked the whole day while you and your peers and co-workers were bowling together. No, this wasn't an isolated incident, dude. Carlos had enough time to fucking time it perfectly. He knew what he was doing. He's a photog assassin

he's talented uh he's got timing and yeah everybody then everybody starts chanting like for the four of my crack and so i pulled up my pants and tried to uh you know not give everybody what they wanted i don't like everybody laughing at me. You don't? No, not when it's my grossness. Not when it's my stupid little butt crack peeking out every time I bowl. Every five minutes. Now you're going to be a guy wearing a leather vest without a shirt on, walking around with an eyepatch on and a do-rag. And you're going to be holding a snake.

I need suspenders. Take those belts. Strip that bed so that i can uh hide my shame i stayed home to do laundry and build a chair and i'm so mad i didn't go see your butt crag yeah pie sure was making fun of me it's like dude you cannot make fun of me. You look like Chunk. Or wait, no. He looks like Chunk and Sloth had a baby. That's so mean. Well, he's laughing at me.

Calling me gross. Yeah, but Pysher isn't in an action shot in an ill-fitting t-shirt with his ass out. He's just trying to get by. That's what sucked, too. I was wearing a 2x my cactus jack shirt it fits it should be it should have been covering my butt the whole time buddy it doesn't fit he failed me i'm a three fit anymore you're a 3x for sure god not yet i'm getting there dude the evidence is to the contrary of course you're 3x no not yet sorry buddy it's okay no i don't think it is okay i gotta stay 2x no we love you we're glad you're in that 3x you can feed all your old shirts to your snake you

fucking weirdo what's the snake's name like orgelby or like zippy no they called him uh severus which is harry potter so we're gonna call him something else probably so old sid called old sid yeah well it doesn't really matter does it he's not gonna come running no matter what we call they don't have ears yeah so they live by vibration you should put on calypso music what sucks is that he needs put on steel drum music starts dancing uh she cranked megan cranked the damn heat so that the place is warm and meanwhile i'm gonna start sweating the the fucking thermostat says 80 right now. That's not cool. Bro, what the fuck are you doing? You can't live in 80 degree heat, dog.

And it can't be to service the needs of a fucking reptile. What the fuck? You can't quit sacrificing for these weird animals you pretend to like. You have to get rid of mama. George Michael's time is up. No one's ever liked Georgeorge michael we just lie about it because he reminds us of you yeah you know what the best acting performance you've ever done was being sad that gordy died you didn't give a fuck well yeah i mean now that now that the

check's been cashed yeah i never liked him life insurance policy yeah yeah now that we got that 350k he stashed all that gold under the house no i just think that i deal with death better than a lot of people because that's like all we're really meant to do is die so it's like yeah gordy died big surprise who cares no not who cares but it's like uh duh what do you think was gonna happen he was gonna like grow wings and fly away no he's dead that's what everything does it would have been funny if you would have immediately flown back home yeah my old my 15 year old dog died yeah oh no my fur baby passed. I can't be at this wedding full of chicks without bras.

I don't know that I could just keep hanging out if GM died. That would suck. I mean, dude, the writing was on the wall and he wrote it in his own blood and shit. Please. You're inside of my ear. I covered the

mic. You couldn't hear it luckily the mic didn't pick it up so that's good yeah we all lucked out on that didn't we i'm gonna hawk another brown loogie no i No. Yeah. Ready? I'll do it. No. I'm in charge. I've been hawking shit up because I keep blasting my elf bar. Like, as soon as I woke up, I was like. Yeah.

Now you got all that. I didn't have to be at the Paramount after it closes. I was just blasting. Yeah. No, I get it, man. And also, you got all that fucking dead snake skin in the air now, and it's 85 degrees in your house. It's tropical. Dude, the first thing you do when you walk into a hotel room, pin it all the way down to 85. Yeah.

And now you're living at 80 and standing up while potting? This is how you lose weight. Yeah, that's right. I want to stay in a 2X, so I got to sweat it out. I told Sharpie i want to lose 200 pounds for his wedding i have a year and some change i have a year and a half do we know who's gonna be in the wedding yet no i didn't think about it when he and i were talking about your your promise to kill everybody if you're not in the party

i'm just saying if they make me like the ring bear or the flower boy i'm gonna be so pissed that is dehumanizing that is below my station in life fucking carry a basket full of rose petals so i feel included fuck that i'm not going in fact i'm gonna hire a guy to seduce her i'm gonna ruin the wedding i'm gonna honeypot sharpie i'm gonna find that girl who used to have a crush on you know the one i'm talking about i'm gonna have her show up and be like chris i need you i need you all i need you all the time Chrissy Yeah Chrissy I want it so bad Who was it

All I've been thinking about For the last 13 years Is how much I needed you in me And now I'm going to take it Is that Delta Burke That was My impression of what women sound like Across the board When women talk that's what I hear I hear them talking like this That was my impression of what women sound like.

Across the board. When women talk, that's what I hear. I hear them talking like this. They sound like Renee, so that would backfire. Yeah, I'm Renee, everybody. I'm four foot ten. In heels. I sleep in a bloomed flower.

I can fit inside of a lily bulb. They're just a couple of fern gullies trying to make it work in this world. Yeah, well, I better be in the wedding. I better be actually Chris's proxy. I better be able to walk down the aisle. When Chris is watching from that jail cell camera, I'll be like, I'll kiss her

for you, buddy. Don't worry. I like the idea of them. Then she crawls inside of my mouth. She's so little. I was thinking you could have each of them on your shoulders and walk them both down the aisle. Or instead of a flower

basket they're just in the basket i'm carrying yeah they look like ann getty's babies rip off a finger toss it to the ground rip off a toe throw it at the bride's parents well it's just like he has two brothers he's got matthewella. Martella, you get the call, obviously. We all love Martella. He's DJing, so he'll be tied up. Yeah. Okay, well, then I'm in. What about Bloodsmith?

What about Bloodsmith? That guy who lived upstairs? Yeah. I'm just saying, I don't know where you're at in Sharpie's freaking lineup well i'm bringing i'm bringing what the snake part i just beat no i did i smell worse than the snake ew dude you're we weirded out by your own beef it was bad it was bad and if you're farting in there and it's 85 degrees yeah it's not gonna it's not gonna dissipate it's 85 degrees. It's not going to dissipate.

It's just going to linger. Yeah, it's going to attack to the sweat beads. It's humid in here. Your life is so weird to me. If the crows won't be my friends, I'll take in the snake. All right. Yeah, I was going to try to defend myself. But you have a pretty compelling argument

let's break it down the last time we talked the last time we talked you wanted to be friend crows and on today's episode you realized you were very fat because a mexican drifter took a picture of you at a bowling event raising money for a car museum oh yeah and then you farted so hard in your 85 degree apartment that your snake roused itself it's a house i'm in a house now you're fucking weird dude you're dead in a hotel room so fuck you i'm i've been looking more alive i'm looking pretty good your strangeness refills my battery yeah you don't need that pedialy i don't need it but i'm gonna have it if i'm allowed to move but becker said no moving oh speaking of which sharpie told us do you already know about him in montreal getting all

fucked up yeah you do yeah what happened we don't need to we don't need to recap this that was just on the last episode we can talk i had a big week myself we don't need to relive sharpie's the lowest moments of his life well it's just funny to me that two of my best friends have woken up to just messing up a hotel room bed his was on purpose his was a fucking conscious decision and what you've never done that no not like either of you both of those stories are wild i know i never i never have well I peed Megan's bed. The first time I slept at Megan's place when we were brand new, I whizzed the bed in the night, so that sucked.

Yeah, and then you tried to convince her that that wasn't you, that was her squirting because you pounded her pussy so hard. You're like, no, I just did that to you, baby. I'm so good at sex. I made you squirt. And we laid in it that was wild because i had never i had always gotten up and gone and peed somewhere in the room or in the in the space i had never whizzed the bed while sleeping so you ever perchance peed on your dvd collection yeah that was that was in there yeah in my room didn't you try to sell them

and they told you no because they were yeah yeah but then i heard i heard this becker he said it was because they were antique they were aged by time like an old like an old book like an old book yeah uh interesting it's crazy you heard that as well becker a certain kim told me this i used to i used to have a joke about it i just told it not that long i think i told it in birmingham yeah no that's what i was going on pvds yeah blast from the past man yeah i don't miss that to be fair though when you peed in that bed i heard it was a tempered pee dig isn't it funny when someone breaks they break down your bits back to you and you're like

i feel like i'm on comics unleashed dibs on byron allen ah so nathan i hear that you peed somewhere a little unusual that's right byron let me finish sam i hear that you've been lifting weights not for any cool reason sam how'd you spend covet how'd you spend the lockdown i heard you stayed busy oh no what was that what was that was bad dude it sounded like something came awake inside of you so we're sharing the video this one huh dude this sucks so much i just did i just did all the podcasts in the world to promote effectively this podcast this very podcast this one that we're listening to now yeah and they're gonna be like oh this is what he's up to

fuck unsubscribe yeah he's hacking and coughing up with some fucking guy and another dude but hey while we're doing this we've had four new patrons join very good whoa nice yeah no you did a good job welcome anthony corbo that's the name of a man who just joined yeah i don't ever want to thank everybody by name that seems so weird to me well people do that in the early days but now we're a well-oiled machine we're greased up we got snakes we've changed yeah i got snake money i got a bag i got a bag of dead rats in the freezer oh yeah now there's a reason for him to be there yeah it's a perfect cover yeah nobody has no nobody has to know how many the snake is eating and how many i'm eating

allegedly yeah i've i sounded pretty dumb to uh my sister-in-law because when we were she we met up with her before we left denver to come back down here at the pet store so that she could buy us some rats down at the pet store she bought she bought 10 rats and i said how often does he eat once a day and she goes no like every three weeks i had no idea so i'm learning though that's what you know i gotta get snake books so that i can do a good job. Well, now here's the cool thing, though. All the neighborhood kids are going to come over to your house on the 17th of the month to watch the old weird guy who talks to crows, feed his snake. They're going to be like, you know that fat guy who wears women's pants and his butt's always showing, but he doesn't know it? He's so stupid he doesn't even know how fat he is.

Yeah, you know that guy who thinks he's a 2x when he's clearly a five oh you know the jared fogel documentary he's no good this would be a cool picture of the snake wrapped around my crucifix holy shit oh yeah that crucifix that you were obsessed with that you focused on still am yeah i got that i guess during yeah during high planes we were like looking for fun shit for open and i was like whoa yeah then you left it in my car and then you hit me up like once a day for two weeks whatever you do have you made it yet i know you want that crucifix i know you need it in your life, but it's mine, Sam.

It's mine. I hadn't written my name on it yet, so I wanted to make sure you didn't forget and think that it was yours. Brett Hiker, who I stayed with. You guys know Brett Hiker? Yeah. Friend of the pod. We hung out in New York for like four days in a row he talked to me about all the things going on in his life how he wants to better himself how he's trying to you know just get in tune with the

man inside of the bald skull so i'm like i feel like i've never been closer with brett you know uh and then we go to go to leave on friday morning and i go to give him a hug and i say all right but i love you and he says see ya and i was like i was like hey dude while you're working on all this stuff like with your therapist learn to say i love you you know he said i'll be dead first he refuses to tell anyone that he loves them and he's like why can't i be in a relationship i don't know maybe that brett that's wild i guess yeah i've never he's never said it to him he hasn't said it back yeah you say it all the time you say it when you leave subway to the sandwich artist i love you you got foggle brain yeah i fog. So what if I do the same thing that he did? Yeah.

Rape all those kids. No, no, no. Well, no, I'll do the opposite. That would be crazy.

Snake going weird. No, I was meant to say, No one would see that coming. The clues were there. Crucifix? No, I meant to say, I go the other way and I gain a bunch of weight by eating too much Subway. And I fit into the pants that he started out in. That'd be pretty cool. Yeah, but then you'd take on the curse of Vogel. No, I'd go the other way.

I'd be attracted to old women and old men. Oh my god, dude. What if I did what he did? Reverse the curse. He did other stuff, alright? Barely. I go to Subway. Barely. I go to Subway.

He didn't have a lot of time for other stuff. He was either traveling to do morning music or banging children. Fuck. I thought he was only doing... I thought he had a bunch

of porn. Did he touch some kids? Oh, yeah. He couldn't get enough. It's got to go somewhere. Yeah, see, I don't want to lose a bunch of weight because what if it unearths some negative desires yeah yeah you'd be you'd be too much power if you lost a bunch of weight all thin people have something that they're hooked on that they shouldn't be so i mean you're already like a lot of raw sex. You're 50 pounds of sex in a 10-pound bag.

You know what I mean? I guess. Yeah, if you lost weight. Now you have a snake. You're wandering around shirtless with your fucking cum cutters. It's out there. Hey, baby, ride the snake. You would just go full Jim Morrison if you lost some weight.

If you lost weight, you would look like fat jim morrison if you lost some weight if you lost weight you would look like fat jim morrison the lizard king yeah snake king but i'd be yeah the lizard king asterisk snake i can't wait to come down and uh watch you feed that snake sometime see yeah you're getting into it well look man i'm getting into my buddy figuring out who he is at 48 years old that bowling snake guy i hadn't bowled in a long time and i started off with two strikes and then pretty quickly went back to sucking at bowling so that sucked i didn't keep it up got a bunch of damning photographs of you yeah i don't know i don't know what he's doing what do you mean he just went to take a picture

of his friend and that's how you look in every picture but you don't see it he hasn't shared it well he better share it because you have that fucking picture of me at the goddamn hot dog eating contest it's gonna that'll be in the in the are you happy right there? It's in my office. I should put it by the crucifix. That was so fast. It's right here, yeah. I know, but it was great.

I also got this one of the two of us, a little Polaroid from Minnesota. I just told somebody about you wearing the Badgers hoodie to a Gophers football game. Oh, yeah, that was bad. I miss you so much out there on the road. New York wasn't the same without Lund. That's right. The world isn't the same without Lund, though.

That's the truth. I want to try to go on the road with you, and you were like no well so i've had we when is the last time we talked oh we talked sunday night right yeah yeah yeah okay so yeah man it's been a big long week man one week you looked at me i ripped it up i ripped it up and i kept saying this one's for becker i'd have a good i'd have a good riff on a pod and i'd say think about that next time that one's for line damn that's cool shouting it out yeah and i only forgot to plug

our pod on one podcast so that's good it was the kfc radio podcast the very first one i did and then i realized it and i thought fuck and then i wrote cb in the web of my fingers for every other pod kept rewriting it before every yeah i wrote it right there where my thumb and my pointer make the l i wrote cb all week thank you good job you can remember that you have a podcast yes because well your brain is on like i would do three or four times a day your brain is just flying you're trying to entertain one of the impractical jokers next thing you know you're talking to a guy who owns a sandwich shop you know you're just like in the you're in the fucking flow of it then they're like what do you want to plug and you're like uh uh helium philadelphia april 19th you know no cb right there you did a show with sam and joe

i did a show with sal vulcano yeah was joe de rosa there too yeah i did taste buds oh nice yeah i love guess what we didn't talk about food at all no dude we talked about fucking sonic the hedgehog versus mario or they said mario versus jug uh fucking uh donkey kong and it's like i love food i know food well they wouldn't let you get into your zone well joe asked me he's like so give me your food opinion or what are your favorite foods your least favorite foods i was like i love tendon i love baba ganoush i love weird cheeses i love vietnamese food and then i got in there and he's like you got weird you got weird opinions man we can't we can't talk about any of this i'm like can't talk about baba ganoush what are you fucking talking about you're secretly egyptian joe how you renounced your fucking heritage when that white family took you in they want they

what they want like pedestrian food takes so that everybody can understand instead of like as soon as somebody hears baba ganoush you're like well i can't identify with this and they just turn it off that seems i guess weird you were giving them gold i was giving them so much gold i love food. I hate cauliflower. Gross. I eat it, though, because I'm not a fucking little baby. It can be good. I got to shout out.

It's like Brussels sprouts. You got to shout out what? Yeah. I just got to shout out the people who fucking came to the Union Hall show. That was really cool. We sold out two shows at Union Hall. That felt nice. Hell yeah. The first show, I think, got a bit of their mailing list in there. that was really cool we sold out two shows at union hall that felt nice uh hell yeah the first

show i think got a bit of their mailing list in there so i think 40 of the room brought the other 60 of the room and when i'm just a giant like i was you know i was like a fucking ancient mariner on the deck of a boat made of bones or stuff they're trying to do like a just a fucking monologue and a dead tongue i was trying to kill and then people were laughing and other people were like what is going on who is this but that second show good god did i let it splash on that ass you think that was more sam t nation that was the one that sold out immediately oh right right they added the early gotcha yeah so that was all the heads and we let it spread yeah i don't know i had a lot of fun in new york but i was working a lot so i barely got to eat

anything cool did you go to usa slices what do you think i don't know you just said you didn't get a chance to eat why are you gonna eat anything cool anything cool, but yes, I ate Oosa twice. Of course. Lamb over rice or what? I got a lamb over rice once and then a hiker ordered some weird chopped chicken sandwich and I was like, I'll have that too. I'll bet it was great. It was fine. Everything was fine.

What was the noodle place? I forget. I can't tell you. The three of us went? No snake owners allowed. i can't tell you the three of us weren't no snake owners allowed your old giant giant sign when you walk in i have to immediately walk out yeah remember it was the place we went where i ordered some noodles and hiker ordered noodles and you ordered uh noodles and two lamb burgers and we were like what is going on here yes no i didn't yes you did you ordered two lamb burgers and we were like okay well i guess one's not gonna dance at the wedding tonight it was it was it was the day that we were

out trying to find cool clothing for you at brooklyn hipster vintage stores remember that oh yeah i'm surprised i got anything on my body yeah you found that shirt you thought was really cool and i was like oh my god he's so cute he's so fucking cute rock aware yeah you found a rock aware shirt for life i'm ready this is gonna be cool tonight no it's like yes it is buddy you're gonna be you're gonna be the you're gonna be the coolest guy there. You patted my head. I did. Yeah.

With the tone of my voice, I patted your head for sure. I was riding the trains, man. I was fucking taking Ubers. I went to Astoria twice. That's right. Why? I had to go over and do a podcast one day. And then I had to do... It was just podcasts all the time how did so many get how'd so many get lined up did that many people reach

out to you or half and half them reaching out to you you reaching out to them no i i mean i'm just like everything that happens in my life i create the momentum yeah i did it myself okay yeah i reached out i turned around i gave that big booty a shout i hit the flow next thing you know shorty got low low low low low we know you know how it works rock aware yeah uh well good job i'm proud of you i'm glad you're not dead i was i still obviously in the five minutes that sophie was freaking out i thought about it i was like jesus that would be bad i want to go first i'm supposed to i'm older yeah who knows you're not supposed to bury your kids and you're like a son to me so i would uh yeah that would be pretty lame if you keeled over before i'm ready before i say so yeah i want to do it myself you know i would like it if you um died before me as well

i want you to get rabies and then i have to take you out back behind the shit yeah i don't want rabies because it makes you not want to drink water. And boy, how do I love water? You can have coffee. I'm having coffee right now. Actually, I'm laying down. You have four drinks. I'm going to have to sit up and as soon as I do,

everything decides to be going to shift and I'm going to have to go to Lund's room. I'm going to have to go feed the snake as i call it you never rat come out of you if you are a new listener thank you for joining us on the show being with podcast we have this kind of fun all the time but typically i have a microphone you sound good are you sure yes i don't want everyone to kill me yeah just me also make sure to check out our patreon shut up becker that's becker everybody who people love it's so crazy yeah like you know they come out to the shows. The people in Vermont came out. People love Becker. They want him to do a fucking car show.

Yeah, that's wild. I'm in. Yeah. Okay, well, why don't you do it then? That one's on you. I know. I need to find time. There's not going to be a team behind you, Becker.

This one's on you. You and Carlos talking cars. Yeah, that's what Carlos wants to do. Helo he's gonna be like this is a car man you know what's weird about this car man it's not that low to the ground but every other car i've ever seen in my entire life it's very low it rides so low but this one's high up man i got stuck behind a lower becker have you seen there's like a red older truck pickup that's very low yeah you know about it i hadn't seen it before i got stuck behind it jesus christ it had to go 12 miles an hour because it was an inch off the ground and the streets are all fucked up here

yeah i was like oh yeah cool i'm glad that everybody can see how slow you have to go to have such a cool truck yeah it's the dumbest thing ever. Lowering your car that hard unless it's a track car is dumb as fuck. You can't go into driveways, parking lots. You couldn't have done anything. You guys live in such a small town that you're like, hey, have you seen that truck?

Have you seen that truck? There's also, I guess you probably wouldn't. I don't know if it's driving around but there's a sick like older car that's by the entrance to the boulevard loop trail it looks like it's in good shape so it might get driven around but it looks like it's from like the 50s and it's pretty sweet i'll try to get a picture but also everybody that lives by the park i think is like either selling drugs or is terrified of somebody coming and stealing their shit so they all have like way too many no trespassing signs it's like yeah no duh you're talking about a snake owner now i take a picture

of that car i might have to run so i don't get chased yeah you guys see that i have mutton chops now no don't bring back the muttons don't bring them back they're too gray should i do it too yeah becker mud out okay oh no you should you go becker you need to go like miller billmore you need the ones that are the big blob chops that connects via mustache okay yeah i'm in. I'm going to be working from home now. I don't care what I look like anymore. And, Lon, you just keep looking like one of those Mexican guys who has that weird disease where hair grows all over their face.

Dog boy. Yeah, dog boy. Yeah, you have dog boy face. Snake man, dog boy. All right, we got to go. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. Yeah. Is that big enough?

I got to go get Megan. No one cares. Megan can get it. Shout out to Lower Truck. SamTalent.com for dates. Are you going to be bringing the snake to like, oh, someone missed you? Say hi to you? No, to pick up Creech. Oh, with

Megan, no. Yeah, okay. I'm going to leave the snake alone. Alright, let's see. What do I got? Snowmass on Wednesday the 5th. I'll be in... I'm doing some shows in Austin. The beginning of the 10th, 11th, 12th week.

And then I will be, where the fuck will I be? Cedar Rapids, Iowa, Lincoln, Nebraska, Philadelphia, Houston, Lafayette. Come on out. Indianapolis, come get tickets to those. We'll have a nice time. Join our Patreon, because I want to buy a snake to rival Lund's. because I want to buy a snake to rival Lund's. Denver, I've got Doug Loves Movies at the Comedy Works Sunday, May 14th, Mother's Day.

Oh, hell yeah. And then the 19th and 20th of May, I'll be at the new club in Janesville, Wisconsin, the Comedy Cabin. And Denver, don't forget the 10-year anniversary of Lucha Libre and Laugh, June 2nd and 3rd. Get tickets now because the show that we have Friday sold out pretty quick. So don't dawdle and don't dilly-dally.

Also, Oklahoma City, June 10th. And I will be adding a show in Tulsa as well, either the 9th or the 11th. So come get you some. Oklahoma. Come and get your lunch. Come and get your lunch. July 14th and 15th. Savage Henry Comedy Club.

But that's a ways off. So dilly dally if you want. Dilly your dally. Dally your dilly. I don't have as many dates as you. So I have to push further out. Oh, I get it. I mean, I got May. I'm off all of May because I'll be in Ecuador.

Yeah, that's funny. Ecuador. Ecuador. Ecuador. You better say it right. Ecuador. I'm alive.