Chubby Behemoth - Duck Grease

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

BBB. 2.5 Tons Of Man. Optimus Prime Minister.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

how's this i don't you tell us we can hear you yeah now you're coming through the computer though you're not coming through the headphones oh now you are something on your end now you can hear something on my end it's your lips yes duck shit i'm in i'm in hot you guys like my hair no you just got a nice haircut look at this look at this why'd you get why'd you get another one i didn't get a haircut i just was wearing a hat for a long time i look like one of those off-brand dutch lego men go man oh man how much do you guys miss me not at all yeah right becker i miss you yeah i miss you the most of all becker oh thanks buddy i don't miss my wife or my dog or the man known as richard kind aka nathan lund yeah that's really that's really tickling you for some reason well whenever i go to put your name in it always auto corrects to kind which as listeners of the

pod know you are not so i've come to think of you as richard kind because you're kind of a mincing tall homosexual jew i don't think he's jewish or homosexual homosexual well neither are you but you're like that guy he gives off that vibe yeah no i mean he is for sure jewish he's one of those jewish men alive okay you need more jewish friends And you would get that. But yeah, everyone start calling Lon Richard kind. He really likes it. And he wants it to happen. I'm just glad that we're keeping to your schedule. Oh, I asked you.

Definitely want to record whenever you have time. Every time. And not record when you don't have time. That's the new development. Hey, Sam, if you can't record today, I'll record one with Sharpie. No, I don't think that's a good idea because then I'm not on it. So we should probably push everything back a couple of days. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. You're totally valid. You're totally valid. God forbid I want to appear on my own podcast with my co-host, Becker, and our guest, Richard Kind. You could also not be on one or two, and it would be okay. People hate it. People get so pissed when I'm not on here.

Yeah, if two people cared, and you listen to them, meanwhile, I have input, and you're like, no, I don't think that sounds right. Yeah, I didn't want you and one of your boner buddies to blow it again. I don't want the triple B boner buddy blowout. People love Sharpie.

People last time Sharpie was on, he jerked off in a field that was full of spiders. Yeah, I know. I was on that episode, too. That's why everyone. No, you weren't on that one. Yes, I was. It was the three headed monster. You listened to your own podcast to see what you

missed out on i'm gonna listen to you and some tiny little goofball giggle and pretend like i'm not important how dare you but yeah let's uh let's hear about sam what do you got no no let's just walk it through let's see how legitimate you are in your concerns okay so lund what have you been up to since march 16th why well let's just go over it i mean obviously you're upset that you have to cater to my schedule which is well i wanted to be wide open i wanted to eat and you wanted to know what how long that was going to take and it's like i don't, what are you, what's pressing on your end other than your thighs against your balls? Because I wanted to eat, it's going to take 15 to 22 minutes, but I don't know. That's why I asked you one of the seven minute frame.

I asked you ETA. I didn't say how long is it going to take? How many meals are you going to have? That's an ETA is how long is it going to take how many meals are you going to have that's an eta is how long is it going to take you dumbass so and i didn't know and i didn't want to keep you waiting you're because i know you have me wait to go get called gay in another country in the united kingdom yeah i'd rather be on here being called gay by you known ally richard kind becker why are you wearing a mask the war is over no okay well no lund i'm really sorry i didn't know that your sundays were action-packed with uh so many tasks and chores

am i bad dude yeah no i'll take the high road i walked the dogs i went to the store and you were like well how long is that gonna to take because I'm eating a duck and as soon as I'm done I want my next activity no yeah I didn't say any of this Becker you're in the group chat was I an all pushy yeah you're a little pushy

I was not was I Becker not really no not in the least really but I see why nate would be annoyed if he was trying to eat let me eat something real quick the answer to that is sounds good bro not yeah when are you gonna be done swallowing so that we can fire this up that's not true and also i wouldn't have minded watching you eat this entire podcast people love

it when you eat when i eat i said you said just got home i'd like to eat something i said okay you got an eta and you said yeah my ass in your face yeah that's just rude that's just a mean thing to say to your friend who you haven't talked to in a couple days you know your emotional rock your core and then uh you said yeah my ass in your face you said i can go in 10 and eat after i said you sure question mark you won't be cranky and you said oh i'm cranky all right and i said well we don't want that yeah so i could not have been more accommodating to you or also known you better and predicted your moods and then you said i don't want you to go through another tunnel in 25 minutes which i don't even

know what that means you allegedly were going through a tunnel a couple days ago it was a total power move you dude are sitting under the learning tree of dylan and i'm sure he said something like everything's going to be on your time dude otherwise you're just gonna be waiting suffering at the hands of lesser beings so you gotta go ahead and take what's yours bro no i'm not touring with extreme rush limbaugh whatever impression that was that's exactly what you're touring first of all he's touring with me and second of all we did go through a channel it's called the english the english channel it's the channel yes channel tunnel yeah dude i mean you think i'm lying to you brother i've been on 14 different planes in the last fucking what's today the third

of okay so in the last 17 days i've been 14 different planes meanwhile what do you have to go you have to go chase a tumbleweed down your empty streets in stinktown come on yeah well now let's hear about your exciting adventures i haven't done anything you made a bunch of people use the r word okay that was between you and me like a puppet master yeah and look who's the puppet master now it's you you're using all the tools you learned in your emotionally unrocky household growing up to make me feel lesser than my shit was pretty rocky dude yeah i know and who's brought you out of that and made you a whole person? Me. God. Yeah.

My rabbi. I'm not supposed to say God out loud. I forgot. Yeah. G-D. The one whose name can't be spoken. Don't you think that's funny? Yeah. That's like the Jewish people were on point when it comes to no hell. Like they saw through that.

They're like, that's obviously bullshit but then they also are scared of g slash d uh using his name so they have to get rid of the o get the o out of god or else they'll get in trouble i don't know what that's all about but but I'm not a biblical scholar. It's like reverence. I think it's because it's pride to say his name. I know that dude. And then they're like, you wish. It's like you're on a first name basis with the creator of all. Chill out.

It's like name dropping, but it's God. Like me and Rob were having lunch the other day and it's like which rob are you talking about rob schneider of course of course it's schneider every time um do you want me to unmute this uh english panel show that's on i figure we could listen to something funny while we're podcasting no no have it on low in the background people are loving it there's a man who looks like a testicle playing golf uh versus another old guy named sean which is funny because i don't know any old sean's besides mr connery wait so you were in last time we talked you were in scotland and then since then you were in ireland and now you're in London.

Yeah. But I really appreciate you bending to my schedule because it's so wide open and not at all a fucking tumultuous hell. Oh, yeah. No, it was most of this ire. I put the ire in Ireland because I'm pissed. Most of this was, hey, buddy, I could do one so that you don't have to worry about this next one. And you were like, oh, no, no, no, no. Why would you do that when you could just bend to my will and we'll figure this out with a seven hour time difference? Like that didn't make any sense.

Yeah. This could have been the Patreon. Yeah. No, I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. I listen to our fans when they're vocal. I know that is giving a fans when they're vocal. I know that isn't your strong suit. He's giving a shit when they're pissed. One person said,

I pay for Sam and Nathan, which is ridiculous. You pay $1.25. If it's not the two of us every time, you're going to be okay. But you were like, oh God, I have to exert control. And it would have been fine because it would have been the free one. Me and Chris

could have been the free one. It doesn't matter. Let's hear from you what have you eaten what have people called you i'm not over this you're being a baby and everyone needs to know it i'm trying to move on and you think that it makes more sense to keep talking like to make this the worst episode ever instead of moving on oh yeah yeah, the one where we're actually honest about our emotions. Me and Lund haven't been friends for 13 years. Ever since he had my sister when she was underage. It's been very rocky.

Since she named her attacker and it was fucking Richard Kind himself. He wasn't that kind that night when he was holding her and pounding. And also, you've been mad at me because I sired your nephew and everyone knows it. No.

Oh, cool. Nice. I don't want to do any of that. Oh, yeah, yeah. I should yes and the fact that I raped your sister and you certainly did not have consent to impregnate mine.

She would not be into you she likes tall and skinny not tall and gross and won't shut up and is constantly going into channels someone please clip that uh can we isolate the audio where he says that he arred my sister that'll be fun to play at her wedding in a couple of weeks. I'm not going anymore. You are going. No. We need you there. People are going to be so pissed

if it's just me there in Sharpenteer and not you and me. I'm opening for Milo Cianopoulos in Wales. Who's that? That one guy. Extreme rush limbaugh are you sure that uh you're not a whale nice i'm gonna go hang out with tom jones oh that'd be cool he's over there right now he's welsh look man it's 11 17 my time

why didn't you have any shows because we have one show tomorrow and then we go to paris the next day and then we have two shows on wednesday and then i fly to see your little happy round ass up there in Milwaukee. Milwaukee, the Paris of the Midwest. I've always said it's much like Copenhagen due to the canals downtown and the beer culture. But no one listens to me when I make astute claims like that. They just say, we hate when you and Lund argue. And I say, we should hang out with us when we're not on the pod. That's all we do is we're at each other's throats the whole fucking time.

I just like I ate a fourth of a duck. I had Chinese broccoli. I had soup dumplings. I had about 10, I think, prawns with the shell on deep fried and chili oil and a bowl of rice. So the fact that I'm even kind of upright at all is a miracle from G-D himself. Damn, was it good oh that was good dude it was tasty oh only one guess what i had afterward a couple of pints of guinness because i'm a man of the world i've become accustomed to a certain lifestyle you know

when you're on your own out in the world you got kfc and taco bell for dinner meanwhile i had a bunch of different animals from both the land and the sea and the sky i had dumplings that had soup inside of them that goes against g-d yeah that is not natural yeah i had those tasty little plump abominations xiaolongbao xiaolongbao now i'll bet you did bow when you got the bag when you got the to-go order i was actually wearing a conical hat and they said that is not necessary and frowned upon no i was like raiden i tipped my conical hat i got to my table by bicycle kicking through the sky it was great to my table by bicycle kicking through the sky. It was great.

That was Liu Kang. Was it? Yeah, Raiden did the he went head first. Whoa. Yeah, I remember that. I frowned upon my actions towards the table. Yeah. I got my references mixed up when I

defied gravity. You were eating alone? Yeah yeah just me on my own tim is staying at uh one of the best hotels in the world and uh i'm at a hilton somewhere else in a part of the world and i went and i walked to get the best duck in all the goddamn london town and it sucked but luckily the dumpers were plump and the lady who brought my food had them even though she was like 70 years old so that was sick ducks tough right i think i've had it be solid like once out of like eight times you know i've never enjoyed duck and i want to and i've had it in like richmond you know by uh sylvan house in san francisco yeah and it wasn't good there i remember we were like we drank a bunch of codeine syrup and then went and got duck and

ribs and we were chanting like codeine ribs codeine ribs and just like greasy and all fucked up on opiates. And it was a really dark time in my life. It was me and Alex Q Huffman, just like coating, ribs. We were dipping all of our blunts and coating cough syrup, even though it didn't work. Was that yours too?

Uh, yours, you know, might've been involved. He probably would, uh, distance himself from anything cool he's ever done because of the current climate. But yeah, he was still smoking Siggy's and it was just me, Q Huffy and Uris.

So what is that? 2.5 tons of man sitting on the stoop just chanting as we fucking gobbled and our hands were all greasy and our hair was all greasy because of the duck. I ought to be young again. fucking gobbled and our hands were all greasy and our hair was all greasy because of the duck to be young again duck grease in the hair yeah like pomade you know you don't have yeah so that you didn't get yeah so you didn't get messed with by the other toughs the other street gangs we also like you know also couldn't afford the napkins. We were just using our hair as paper towels. QF had that bald-ass head, and we kept greasing it up.

It was fun. Yeah, I remember that coming back to Denver from the Bay. Patrick is in the Bay right now. Yeah, Patrick was like,land is so much cooler than san francisco and i was like oakland's okay san francisco rules and he was like that's such a rich guy thing to say it's like you fucking fat bearded bitch you don't know shit about fuck all right well i crawled so you could whine i would say when we went to san francisco a lot 10 years ago it wasn't as it wasn't the same it's gotten a lot uh different and gentrified and teched out from the neck out i mean what do you

think we were doing we were in richmond and there was 16 comics living in a house that was gentrifying brother they were gentrifying that shit and we were part of it because we were four more white guys coming in off the fucking megabus stinking it up out there dipping blunts in cough syrup like we thought we were goddamn bernie mack it was stupid as fuck and patrick wants to say i'm a rich guy just because i have a couple of nickels to rub together you know how many voices i did on stage so that patrick could do the one that does. I laid all the goddamn groundwork. I was the fucking Irish, you know, laying the damn. Hold on. Oh, I was going to fart real big.

I was laying the damn track out there. Hold on. Oh, that was an inverted burp. Yeah, the fart went north. Yeah, I can't get it out because I'm at this bad angle. Are you cranking AC or something? I feel like we've got a weird tone in the background. No, I have no AC in this room.

I'm in a hotel room in London. They don't believe in AC here. Yeah, that's one of the things they like here is Slater. But I haven't spent much time in oakland but i like oakland yeah i've spent a couple of blurry eyed lustful nights in oakland and uh had a lot more fun on the other side of that goddamn bridge you know but patrick's like no viva la raza man it's if you knew black people you'd like it here and it's like patrick you've been there twice in your fucking life.

You know how much goddamn blood I've left on the streets out there in Oak Town? Fuck. Yeah, we definitely hung out in the Tenderloin. Loin out. What? I said loin out. Yeah, we definitely dropped trial. Yeah.

Yeah, we were in the backstrap. We were in the fucking flank steak we were all over that city man the butt which is actually the shoulder yeah the boston butt which is actually the uh washington face uh what was the other thing that happened to you oh what those guys that made fun of you in scotland let's hear about that oh yeah man scotland's been scotland was a fucking nightmare it's a fucking gray dour hell and it can suck my kiss but yeah you got some you got some books they love the red hot chili peppers there. So, hey, guess what? Under the bridge, I come. And then you get some blood. Yeah, I bought some books.

I went to the bookstore in Scotland and I purchased four books from the most important literature from Scotland table. All right. Really good stuff. And I made the mistake of trying to read them in public. Really good stuff. And I made the mistake of trying to read them in public. And boy, did they rain hate speech down upon my giant orange ass. Let's not forget I was wearing all orange because British Airways lost my bag.

So I was there with the only clothes I had. So I fucking stink. I reek. All right. It's like the three month period that my wife smelled terrible um because i was in these pants for 17 hours with the undies the undies are baked into the pants you know it's all marinating yeah you should have left those in scotland uh no i brought them with me actually they're over there um i use them like a chloroform rag when i want to go to bed i just put them on my face and pass out it's like a blue velvet situation perhaps blue ribbon only it's Guinness and I'm smelling my own undies but I'm still

Dennis Hopper I'm sitting on a bench reading it's sundown I'm Dennis Hopper you're Richard Kind we're the dream team and these kids walk by and they're like shh lest we bother the poof i thought it was an old man no dude it was some children the new generation of yeah with some street toughs who were the scary fucking four 15 year old glaswegians they're they're scary they chew right through a hubcap hair slicked back with duck grease yeah they're all greased up they're like corinne ribs corinne ribs so yeah they called me a poof i got called a poof another time later that night when i got ate a cigarette but that was well i tell you about that i think i saw it on your insta yeah i was having one in front of the bar

after a couple pints of bell haven you know that's that good beer no one talks about from over there in glasgow also it's glasgow it's not glasgow and uh yes if you're listening from that show i apologize at least i wasn't like tim and said that ireland was part of the uk um that was a bloodbath so well but he said it in he said it in ireland yeah he said it in ireland on stage oh yeah shall i be garland on the headstone of my father i'll make you dying on them words like so much duck grease. Yeah. Yeah. Bastard. Yeah. Bastard.

As soon as I sit forward, I can burp. My GI system is a channel. Yeah, right. So I'm smoking a cig in front of the merchant there in Glasgow. And this guy comes up and he's like here's i'm like oh good this is good you know yeah this guy wants to know your story yeah i'm out there i'm all orange i didn't know orange was the color of hate you know but you also went from what'd you do you went from orange to

immediately into oh yeah your next outfit was like yeah hold on we'll get to that okay so this guy comes up and it's just a bunch of jib jab and i realized that he wants my sig and i'm like well it's like you know it's mostly it's filter it was the right at the end of the cigarette and he's like it'll be the judge of art he takes it and he hits it once and then he puts it in his mouth and eats it and then he says that i was a class lad yeah class lad they love to say class over there class you appear class lad and he shook my hand you know eight to twelve times while chewing on the cigarette butt and saying that everyone was a cunt but us and he carried on his merry way um that guy you know if you're out there probably the mayor of glasgow i don't know how the politics work over here who's in charge oh god yeah it's a bunch of

prime ministers and off prime ministers depends on the time of day you know optimist prime ministers yeah there's some transformers that are in power um yeah but they don't like it secret transformers over here yeah for sure they're not they're not on they're on jk rowling side of that issue anti-transformer but uh sure they are though yeah they love her the lady at the hotel tim made some made some joke about JK Rowling. And she was like, she's got some ideas. They're not all bad. I'm like, okay, please check us in.

Right. Yeah. God, that sucks. Yeah. But then the next night, I'm kidding. It sucks. Well, I think they have it. They have it like us where there's a bunch of people that are poor and they don't know who to be mad at.

And then all of a sudden there's people from a different country that live next to them. And then the news says that crime is up because of whatever, however directly they say it. But they need a scapegoat. Just like the Jews in Germany. Yes, they do. The Muslims. Muslims. Not in Scotland. Yeah.

They just have white people and they're mad at other white people. It's like Protestants versus Catholics is like very much alive. And I was wearing, you know, pumpkin man style. i was out there just letting everyone know that uh queen or no you wouldn't have a pope at oranges protestant yeah okay the next time i finally get my bags and you know i fucking stink dude yeah it's really bad i was nervous to eat in the restaurant at the hotel because my butt smelled so rank.

I kept washing it, too. But I was like, I have to wear these undies because I don't want this stink to get into the pants any worse than it is. I didn't want to Chalmer Williams and let it marinate. Yeah, no, you had marinated on the flight over and then kept marinating non-stop because also you know like i said i don't sleep nude because i don't want

to have an infarction and then yeah you don't want to be discovered it would be it'll be gross enough with clothes on let alone yeah i want him to come and i like have 30 seconds for them to clear whatever hole needs to be cleared. And they're like, I don't want to touch him. He's all naked. Yeah. That's a big fear of mine. My body's so gross.

They won't give me mouth to mouth. You can hear them. Yeah. I'm trapped in. You're fading, but you can hear them. And they're like, I'm not touching this fucking beached whale. This guy sucks the last thing i hear is someone being like total wad they're rock i just hear them rock paper scissoring yeah look how gross he is i'm not

i don't get paid i don't get paid enough farthings to have to handle this fucking refrigerator with lungs yeah they're like uh i'm not an emergency veterinarian i'm an emt yeah i work the front desk i don't know i'm not equipped to handle this fucking this mound yeah slava meat i'm no butcher they're like Almond Joy's got nuts mounds don't then they touch my little wang they just start poking

you're not dead yet and they're just poking you like I don't know he looks pretty dead front desk is like he looked like this when he checked in yeah he was on his way out as soon as he was in the lobby yeah as soon as he landed he was in trouble oh man the guy picked us up from the airport today this old indian dude with a rock and greased up mullet whoa uh shout out radik if you're

listening bro i hope you get all the pussy um but yeah i went straight from my orange outfit and I put on like this white sweatshirt that has like red white writing on it and shorts. And I went out and that night Scotland was playing Austria. So I was just wearing Austria's colors. It was really great. Oh, I thought it was more of a local. I thought it was like a crosstown rival team. That's so that I was just like fans of the fans of the one club would be mad at you. But it was literally anyone who saw you was going to be mad.

Yeah, it wasn't Celts Rangers. It was the entire nation of Scotland versus Austria. Versus Germany's little sister. Yeah, and I was out there fucking Santa Clausing around town. And yeah, so I just got three days of angry, angry

eyes. Angry little beady pig eyes from those fucking Glaswegians. Telling you to go back to Vienna and shove a sausage up your cunt yeah go back to austria you're not class is yeah yeah the opposite of class yeah i think the one guy from austria that's in town i guess you did you did you have to hang out with austrians then and try to blend in with them no i can like anywhere where austrians would go i was trying to find the nooks and crannies of old glasweege you know i was hanging out in the garbles oh yeah well you could have ended up upside down in a bog yeah that would have been better than

having to perform uh the second show in dublin last night but no well the place we were at was called the garbles that was like the name of the neighborhood that our show was in yeah like there was uh the two dudes who work for like live nation uh europe are at the door and then there's the local uh doorman who is just a fucking total pie face moon unit uh you know his name's probably like augie or like corco or something and i'm like what's the name of this part of town and two dudes who work for live nation look at the door guy and his little fucking pierogi face calzone head says me and tim just start laughing right in his face that sucked then later that night uh when tim was on stage i was eating a yogurt and i was like hey man

there's yogurt upstairs if you want some if you're hungry and he's was eating a yogurt and I was like, Hey man, there's yogurt upstairs. If you want some, if you're hungry. And he's like, what's that? And it was like a yogurt. And he's like, is that like ice cream? I was like, no, it's yogurt. There's like fruit in it. And he was like, Oh, you never heard of yogurt before. I was like, okay, Corky, have fun down here in the car. I'm going back upstairs. What did they call it? Something else? Or do you think he had never, never had the opportunity? He's never had yogurt before.

Did I tell you about the car ride I took? No, we haven't been talking. Yeah, I know. And whose fault is that? Well, you're constantly going into tunnels, channels, funnels. One time you were in a funnel. Which I thought was funny. I'm going to put a funnel in your mouth. No, you haven't told me shit.

Well, when I got into the cab from the airport as soon as I landed in Glasgow. Because I got there a day early before Tim. And then Tim didn't come the next day. So I just had two days alone in Glasgow. As the Naranja. Senior Naranja. Yeah, wearing orange yeah uh fucking i get in the cab and the driver i can't understand a word he says dude like it's crazy

yeah and he you know he finds out i'm from america and then he just fucking starts talking blah blah blah and i'm doing that thing where you're like yeah that's that's crazy in there yeah for sure yeah you said it brother yeah oh yeah i feel you dog and the only thing i heard him understand is after i laughed really hard at some gibberish he was like no she's quite sick so i was just laughing at whoever who was in his. There was a woman was dying. Damn it. Yeah. You tried to throw a laugh in there and a knowing smile.

Yeah. And then, yeah, then he finally decides to enunciate. Yeah. I just started dabbing back there. Dab it out for, I mean,

honestly though, like whoever was dying, good for her for getting the fuck out of glasgow because that place is bleak but yeah and then uh dublin they don't have spring and summer in glasgow they have trial and tribulation damn they got locusts and frogs yeah that was a big joke that worked really well yeah hell yeah yeah i got all this great shit i'm doing oh i did in dublin after glasgow and i when am i ever gonna do it again you're not gonna get any of my hot references in milwaukee bring them bring them out bring them out they might maybe

they'll work i mean they would definitely work to make fun of someone who is speaking english but not not uh clearly enough for an American English speaker to understand. Like a Native American? No, no, no. The Scotch. Oh, the Scotch. The Scotch Hustlers.

Well, Dublin, though, rules. I mean, hey, look, Glasgow, I bet you're fucking cool. I just, you know, I like having a cold beer. You know, I like eating cigarette butts. Mention the next guy. I like calling people poops. You know, I don't know what I'm even talking about.

It's cool there. Oh, it's just like rampant knife crime. Everyone's got a screwdriver on them. Whoa. I called Emily's grandma, who's from Glasgow. And I was like, yeah, Martin, they're crazy here. They're all drunk. And she's like, hey, they're not just drunk. just drunk they're real sleepy eh you notice how sleepy they are

and I was like yeah and she's like they like a wee taste of the spike don't they I was like all right shit I mean she knows about the heroin issue damn yeah train spotting was not an isolated uh incident in the late night late 80s early 90s yeah no I mean train spotting was not an isolated incident in the late 80s, early 90s. Yeah. No, I mean, Trainspotting was in Edinburgh, but still, Glasgow is even worse. I'll put it that way. Not as much sunshine in Glasgow. Jimmy Carr is racing Ricky Gervais on tricycles on TV.

Oh, yeah. Fucking. I'm kidding. I just made that up. But you believed it because that's how shitty uk television is well i started looking at the castle behind you oh yeah that's where they're burying me uh so ireland i saw you say you had a very good show and then a very bad show i'm gonna buy what'd you say i'm gonna byron allen you i'm asking leading questions now sam

i heard uh that when you were over there in uh in dublin ireland you had a very good show and then you had kind of a crazy show why don't you tell us about that now sam i heard that you had a real wardrobe malfunction when you were in funky Glasgow town. Sam, what colors were y'all wearing? I heard that you had a little mix up with the airline and your and your bags. And as a result, you smelled like shit, dog. What was that all about, my brother? Everyone says you fucking stank in your rank ass is ruining the room.

He's just getting bleeped. Because he's on TV, he's on cable. Now a real mutter beep told me that your funky beep was reeking like beep. Is there any truth to these rank beep beep beep beep?

Yeah, Dublin's cool. I liked it a lot. You know know here's what i say about ireland it's a beer country that acts like a wine country oh really that's the thing that i said that's a completely unique take that i have it's not on a postcard, it was this girl's lower back tattoo I saw. No, you'd like this, though, dude. All the ladies in Scotland have giant ones. Also in Ireland, they just have big fatties. What the hell? They got huge heavy hangers all over town.

Yeah, that's great. Yeah, but their butts are absent. Yeah, yeah. They misallocated the meat. There's all meat up top. There's a meat shortage down below that's the trade-off i suppose yeah but here's a fun flip they wear those pants that the girls wear you know like the lululemons and instead of their butts being huge and pronounced you can see

their pussies from across the street what yeah they got giant fucking vaginas down there oh boy you're just clocking them left and right like oh god this research is airtight i'm gonna be able to publish this you're in all the journals i'm in the journal science as you can see this is not just uh one walk around the block and a couple of a couple of examples that i'm trying to extrapolate into solid theory this is airtight this is unlike her she's not years of research that's right look i took a bunch of photos clandestine photos no faces ma'am can i get your side profile so i can see how pronounced your mound is uh talk about how they're all orange the skin people's skin yeah the girls are either like translucent or they're fucking

like black face orange from right no that's i have seen that i can't think of it was a certain movie but i do uh i am aware that that is uh an issue over there they're not matching uh from head to neck i think there's a lot of uh there's a learning curve over there that has yet to be because that was a thing here for a long time and i think most women have like they realize that they they have to be careful right like you got to do your whole torso you have to you know buy the same uh brand of bronzer. You can't try to mix and match. The back of your knees,

the crease of your neck, the inside of your mouth. Or else you just look stupid. But they didn't get that in Glasgow. They're just fucking... It's like racist how un-white they are. Or they're just jellyfish translucent and you can see every vein and they're rocking sets

it's cool yeah i carried over to ireland there's a statue of like molly malone in ireland and dublin and it's this like big titty wench and her tits are like hanging out but her boob mate her cleavage is all shiny and polished from years of horny lads coming up and honking her yeah i saw that on twitter not that long ago there was like a thread of all the different statues where you can see like the top of a dog's head or the genitals or chest area of of men and women the statues yeah everybody everybody touches them so much that it shines them it greases them up yeah it's like blucifer's cock at dia you're not allowed to go over there though we were we had to get special permission yeah luckily uh michael hancock signed off on us going over there. He was like, hey, Jesse, y'all have fun.

Uh-oh. What? You already did Byron Allen. Yeah, that was an accurate impression. He sounds like that. I used to watch a lot of... Michael Hancock sounds like that. I used to watch a lot of Comics Unleashed. Before I had streaming services, I would just have the

CW yeah, Comix only has been on after Letterman for a while right? I guess, I don't remember I feel like it's been on a lot of different times and channels because it's syndicated he buys that time on the network

that way he can get the ad revenue sounds good to me are you doing i can't get mad at it byron allen i can't get mad at it we're talking about byron allen okay um so yeah shout out dublin everyone rocked that first show was really good uh probably like the best show i've ever done with tim i think i don't know it kind of sucks to say but it was crazy the masonic was amazing toronto was amazing but man that first show in dublin really sang because i was just bagging on scotland the whole time and they were like oh no he didn't this potato piles wyland is pure class y'all mate lato lato they're doing that in uh

ireland too everything's class yeah they love saying class they say proper class they say posh and shit too but class is the one i'm stealing and bringing to america and everyone's gonna think i came up with it and it's going to be great. The first show was fucking rocking. I smashed. Everyone did the worm and then Tim went on and fucking crushed and you know in that moment where

you do the handshake with the guy coming up after you. No, I'm a headliner. Yeah, right. You're going to be shaking my hand a lot this year i'm gonna we'll have a fake it i'm gonna fake it and uh put my hands through my greasy duck hair yeah you should just uh do the poop hand thing they did every time you shake my hand stink palm uh those you know i'll do the opposite i'll run my hand through my greasy duck hair and then shake your hand and say go get him kid or you should do the thing where you go for the handshake and then you fake out and run your hand through your hair

that'd be pretty sick well yeah originally i thought that but this is better because then you've got a bunch of duck grease in your hand for 45. If you don't think that I go on stage pre-lubed, you don't know me at all. No, instead of me saying, go get them, I'm probably going to be saying, sorry, dude. Yeah, because you bombed so bad. Yeah, because I'm going to bomb on purpose. I mean, on accident. I'm going to try.

I'm not going to prank you by digging a hole. It'd be funny if you bombed. I just go up there and be like, whoa, who was that fucking turd? Look at that toilet, man. Well, I should do what you did to me at Denver Comedy Lounge, which is act way too familiar. It's funny how crowds will be like, whoa, this isn't cool. Because it seemed like they were like whoa this is too far when when you were making fun of me and then but then they they still loved you because

you start talking about fucking waterloo iowa or whatever the fuck you like were able to oh no it was louisiana places and you just got them while also being super mean to me what do you say you're like get the fuck out of here shut the fuck up i think i just bring me up get the fuck out of here this next guy according to him the holocaust not only were the numbers exaggerated most of them were made up sexually assaulted my sister and my great aunt when she was on the way out you're from alexandria louisiana that's the capital anyway back to this next guy and it's just funny how people can think that we are all friends which is not true and people can think that we don't know none of us know each other very well and obviously there's the the truth is in the middle but uh it was funny that night because they definitely were like jesus this this guy the headline the next

comic's gonna be pissed and it's like well not because he went too far between like acquaintances, but because we're so close and he fucking put it all out there on Mike. It's remember you standing by the stage, you know, when you came up and we did the handshake. Yeah. I was just ready to go. I was like, all right,

come on, get the fuck out of here. I had to reclaim. I had to reclaim my time. I didn't want to go right before you yeah you did no i wanted to go before you wanted to go after me you wanted to be the new headliner which i did not yes you did you're like i don't know i could go up at the end i guess that's where i'm comfortable that's where my jokes land the hardest is when it's at the end and i can reflect on the rest of the show no no no but uh yeah in dublin the second show the show starts at 10 30 they do

doors at nine o'clock so people are in there for an hour and a half before the show starts just pounding pints doing triples in this beautiful fucking theater and then um the charlotte big garland theater right is that where you were no it was the three olympia the three olympia right there in the temple bar area of foggy dublin town um and i go on stage i do 25 minutes to this crowd that's been fucking pounding them and the crowd um you know i didn't think it was that bad like it was fine they're a little rowdy whenever i would say like there was a guy on the second tier balcony who would scream shit out and then a woman uh to my right on the lower tier who was screaming shit out but they were so irish and wasted i couldn't understand a fucking word they were saying so it was just like being flanked by like

and then like some woman being like and i'm like okay you know let's use words we've i've heard before oh this is fun and then i was just like all right you dueling retard shut up and the crowd lost it and then i was like yeah you can still say that over here that's pretty cool i like that you know what we've earned it on three everybody one two three and then just 1200 people said retard so that was cool yeah i'm uh i'm giving voices to the voiceless you know yeah pretty heroic in my pursuit taking the power back well yeah people were stoked the people on twitter were like oh who was that who was that class class lad yeah oh still saying it after all these years still got the stones to say the r word

they're all pirates that's our word um and then i mean it was fine they did they did a funny thing where like uh after i would say something positive about my mom in my mom chunk they would boo and then after i would say something like bad they would cheer so that was a fun game game that I figured out the rules to. Just the second show, right? Just the second show. The first show was like, if I would have filmed that dude, I would be the next Taylor Tomlinson. He'd be the next Taylor Negron.

Do you remember him? Of course. do you remember him of course he could have been in he could have been in whatever uh whatever biodome offshoot whatever polyshore vehicle needed a third banana god taylor thomas was funny enough but i'm glad i thought of beloved character actor who uh died a few years ago taylor negron yeah he did die yeah he's gone he left us oh gone but not forgotten Taylor when I think he was he was pretty known for uh for being good at riffing on stage I think yeah

he was a comic from what every old told me every old bastard some of the oldest some of the oldest rankest of of crusty fucks yeah well yeah and then i think he just started acting more than he was doing stand-up and yeah he was he was legit man real king taylor negron yeah i saw that on twitter somebody said i don't think they got into the detail of booing positive things and cheering negative but that is better i guess than just i thought they were just like shitting on you like just sensed weakness and then just pounced no no i did everything correctly my first entire 10 minutes was just riffing on how shitty glasgow was and they were all for that and then i said that i was a poof who wore orange and they loved that uh but tim was just like standing next to the stage and when i went to get off stage he

was like there's a 25 minute intermission after you i was like all right harvey firesteen ah taylor and harvey that's us taylor and harv together in heaven i can't think of if harvey is gone is he i think yeah hiv is that right he gave looking it up i can he gave it to magic i don't care he gave it to magic yeah even taylor negron and magic they were at the three-way uh so yeah i get off stage then there's a 25 minute intermission for them to go drink so they were at the show for an hour and a half beforehand 25 minutes of me then there's a 25 minute intermission where they just go get fucked up and drink more and then tim has to go on and it's just fucking chaos as soon as tim goes on they're like

if it ain't the little leprechaun you know and i thought maybe you had to go out there again no i was like you want me to go out first and he's like that's very big of you but you don't have to do it all right harvey's still kicking harvey's still uh oh he's still good rock and roll harvey so yeah tim goes out and he just goes right into his act and they're like screaming and you know kerfuffling and uh you know long way to tipperary yeah they start singing yeah well they do sing these people are very musical in dublin like the streets were filled with song which was fun instead of in glasgow where they were filled with needles and blood um so children kicking severed heads down the street like a soccer ball yeah and they're with their whistling uh weezer songs um everywhere

in glasgow claimed oasis and it's like i know they're not from fucking glasgow chill out that's funny yeah so anyway tim's out there he's fucking trying to persist he mentions being you know i'm an irish catholic from new york i don't think that sounds like him. You should know. You're listening to him, right? You're sitting under the learning tree. Oh, I'm hanging out with Tim all the time, man. He rocks. He's a lot of fun. He has some crazy ideas, and I love it because I'm

learning a lot. If you're ever trying to get out of a conversation with someone, you should just say you're going into a tunnel. Oh, no. no yep i've outed myself tunnel yeah that's what i thought um so this lady in the crowd yells fuck the catholics fuck the catholics and the room devolves into chaos yeah split yeah and they were like fuck you you funky bitch send her up to see Negron book her a ticket to biodome in the sky send her to Taylor's house that's what they call heaven

taylor negron's really cracking me up i don't know why well yeah i mean i was tickled by taylor tomlinson and then that's the next thing my brain we could have said taylor hawkins r.i.p he's hanging out with the taylors the taylor neighborhood you get sorted by first name all the taylors just kicking it taylor negron showing taylor hawkins where to put his recycling the taylor triad welcome to the taylor hawkins where to put his recycling the taylor triad welcome to the taylor hood

you need to see a taylor and i'm not talking about negron those pants don't fit so yeah tim got to exactly 40 minutes after they were just like screaming and flipping out and as soon as he hit 40 minutes he was like thank you so much it's been a pleasure to be here i'm out of here and got off stage and uh we walked immediately out the door into the van that was waiting for us and uh went back to the old hotel where we smoked a bunch of cigs people were waiting in the alleyway because i know the stage door and they were like timmy timbo can i get a photo with you can i get a graph for the gram i and he was like no god no and gets in the car we bail almost run some people over dude he fucking oh my god he is so free-spirited uh the best way to put it yeah i'm excited to hear what the what example you're

gonna give to this okay we get to the airport in dublin we fly in after aerolingus cancels our flight we have to spend an extra day in glasgow extra night in glasgow it sucks we go to this the best place in town sogu it's like it's called sogu s-o-g-u sounds like something mel's grandma says when she sneezes sogu so we're in there and it sucks it's italian food it's homemade pasta it was fucking trash it was crazy how bad it was i saw a picture yeah yeah no it wasn't so good it was sogu so we land in dublin and he's like should i rent a car and i'm like uh i don't know man um you know if you want to are you gonna be driving around he's like i don't know i just might want to have a car uh okay you sound kind of like the joker right now that's him before the show

yeah and then uh a little more upbeat we're walking through the dublin airport and this lady comes up and she's like oh my god are you tim dylan and he's like yes i am i am tim dylan yes i am yes i aim i was starting to i was trying to do paul hayman yes i am no that was gilbert godfrey you no you were straight godfrey you were affleck duck i was trying to do paul hayman no dude you were god you were this is my gilbert godfried that's also pretty good thank you but this woman is like well you shouldn't rent a car and as soon as she says that he's like we're renting a car and then she leaves and he's like i don't like being told what to do people my whole life been trying like being told what to do.

People my whole life have been trying to tell me what to do. I don't do it. I'm very successful. I was like, all right, so we go to rent a car and I'm just fucking scared. He can tell that I'm scared because they drive on the wrong side of the road in Ireland. And he's already a whimsical driver. Free spirit. A free spirit behind the wheel.

So he rents the fucking car and then just the whole 40 minute drive into glasgow he is so close to the left side of the road he is over the line on the left side he's like almost scraping paint with every fucking car we're on the highway he uh they have these like big posts and thank god they do to blake like to block off the bicycle lane yeah so like you don't like veer into the bicycle lane and kill all the fucking uber eats drivers and he is just smacking his side mirror on every one of these posts all the time as he's like also trying to pull up some song his uncle wrote uh and then today when we're returning the car he drove it once and he just did it because that woman told him not to we're returning the car today and he he drives into like the oldest part of fucking dublin on the smallest street so we can get ice

cream the best ice cream it's the best ice cream they have sam we have to have a treat we earned it so i like the ice cream he'd fucking you know double parks in the middle of the street in front of the place as he runs in i can't get out because there's a bike rack next to me so i'm just a big fat guy sitting in a car that's blocking all of traffic as people are honking he comes back he has two ice creams uh he gives one to me and he's like let's roll and then he just drives with his knees through the smallest part of dublin as he's munching an ice cream and i was so afraid dude i've never been so afraid and when we get out of the car he's like you were afraid and i was like yeah dude i'm

fucking scared i was really scared the whole time were you doing little yelps or what no but i kept when he's still i was sitting shotgun which is where you would sit if you were driving a car in america and like every time he would do something crazy i would like reach for the steering wheel in front of me that wasn't there it was just like oh like a driving instructor yeah but there wasn't a steering wheel so wait so yeah because you're saying he was driving on the left so you were like in the shoulder and in the bike lane yeah i was on the left side of the street yeah yeah so that was scary but uh we survived and uh you know it's been it's been fun to be out here man one show tomorrow off to paris on tuesday two shows on wednesday and then uh you and i will be at the laughing

tapped comedy club in beautiful milwaukee wisconsin so tell them about it lund you go up there all the time april 7th 8th and 9th i haven't been to milwaukee before i used to live uh just outside of chicago but the furthest north we went was pawpaw lake in michigan damn you ever been to milwaukee no i haven't been to wisconsin i haven't holy shit man you're gonna love it yeah and we're where are we at in eau claire uh the brick house i believe on sunday april 10th okay so yeah we're in milwaukee april 7th 8th and 9th looks like a very cool room. I saw pictures online. They've had some great headliners recently. Were you there in January or did you reschedule? I don't remember, dude.

I probably rescheduled. I've had to reschedule everything there is. You were definitely promoted for January. Not so much for April, but I think there will probably be a big push starting tomorrow. They want to get people in there. Yeah, Saturday. I mean, I did their opening week push starting tomorrow. They want to get people in there. Yeah. Saturday. I mean,

I did their opening week at this club. I did the reopening show after COVID. They've been very good to me. I like them a lot. And I think they said Saturday is like close to sold out. Friday's heading that way. There's like no tickets sold at all for Thursday. So fuck.

Yeah. Hey everybody, let's get in there on Thursday. Make a trip of it. You know, like why not plan a little weekend outing to beautiful Milwaukee, the Copenhagen of America. Come up from Oshkosh. Lund will be there.

Come on down from the, you know, the Wisconsin Dells. I got a bunch of great Dells material. You're going to love it. I was just in Madison. I got a bunch of great Dells material. You're going to love it. I was just in Madison. I got a bunch of great stuff for Matt Wisconsin. So come on through and let her do camel to. Sammy Airshare is from Milwaukee, but he doesn't live there in a while. No.

So that's unfortunate. I wish he still did so that we could see him. I know he's been posting so much great content. April Fool's. All right. still did so that we could see him i know he's been posting so much great content april fools all right i loved april fool's day so much dude you said you were furious no i loved it all i was doing on april fool's day was like responding to people's bullshit instagram stories you were you were playing them yeah and i'd be like whoa this is so funny way to go april fools or like this is a great photo you're so artistic april fools you look great in this picture it's really

been working for you april fools i really connect with this content april fools