Chubby Behemoth - Eat Up

Episode Date: November 2, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     SPONSORS:   Hello Fresh - The best way to cook just got better. Go to http://hellofresh.com/CHUBBY10FM to get 10 free meals + a free item for life. One per box with active subscription. Free meals applied as discount on first box, new subscribers only, varies by plan.     Lucy - Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHUBBY at https://www.lucy.co/CHUBBY     Harry's - Our listeners get the Harry's Plus Trial Set for only $10 at https://www.harrys.com/CHUBBY #Harry'sPod     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all back at home for Halloween weekend. Sam hasn't been able to get a revelation from Lund off his mind, found out some swinging history of his house, and tells the boys about his trip to see Canadian wrestling. Nathan explains that he changed his mind on fork licking, thought it was a 'who cares?' scenario, and calls this Tuesday.     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

things open on your laptop like other folders do you learn okay well with that with that bodacious question we are very happy to invite you guys in to uh what we like to call the inner circle you know we're going to pull open the flaps on the wigwam let you guys sit down and uh experience this ritual of smoke and heat and time that is chubby behemoth no smoke though and we'll see how long it takes for Becker to try to eat his own head. Yeah, so Becker, there have been allegations that you've been trying to eat your own head. And I think we should clear him up at the top. Yeah, when I can't smoke, I really do want to eat my own head.

I'm sorry, guys. I'm doing my best. That's okay. You know, as long as you're doing your best, it's all we can ask for. We've never asked for it, honestly, so I'm glad you're doing it. Yeah. Yeah. You also, Sam, were you confused by this?

Becker says, hey, my dinner. dinner just came out of the oven. I'm going to need about 30. Did you see, did you hear anything weird about that? No, because I think that Becker probably timed his meal with my initial ETA that I gave you guys after my plans changed. So I think that Becker, who is like very, very particular about how he consumes, when he consumes, where the moon is in the sky, so the angle of the light, through the shades, glistens correctly on his sandwich. I mean, he's a romantic, and I don't begrudge him. I also ate three foot a sub.

That was in the oven. Yeah, I made two, one and a half foot loaves of baguette, and then I cut them open and cooked hot meat on them. Now, Becker's, is your microphone in a bucket? Are you using your headphones? microphone maybe i have to use it really close because the heat turned on and i bet it's isolating yeah i would just say maybe confirm that you're not using uh the tin can that's out of frame fine till the giant fan turned on i think it's isolating my voice well i don't know if one's rock

hard but the giant fan is here nathan i have missed you and i'm glad you're all dressed up for this well it's cold up here i think it's like 53 degrees in the church are you using the stairs now you're going up I'm not yeah I'm upstairs all right nice but yeah I was just surprised I figured I've seen Becker take maybe four and a half minutes to eat stuff so for him to need 30 I was like all right he's gonna chew real slow I was a ritual so fast I fucked my mouth up on the baguette because that's part of it it forces me to like go slow because it's a crunchy baguette but I can he's also and he's in my mouth now from slamming that fucking sandwich.

He is baking this bread at home and he says that it's one of his go-to things and he does it all the time. Do you remember him baking baguettes in his house ever? Big sandwiches? I think so, yeah. All right, nice. Well, the allegations for me are sticking.

Sometimes if I have no time, I'll go buy that Izio's demi bread. They have the ficasha and the baguettes that are both really good and also three ingredients so they don't fuck my stomach up. demi-lovato bread oh wait before before i forget this you wouldn't have seen this sam but do you remember there was a there was a young woman who used to be involved used to be one of

the owners of the squire lounge do you remember her um erika no who was it Lisa do you remember Lisa she wasn't around too long i don't think I remember sudy and I remember his business partner, Osama, bin, something. I can't remember his last name. Jesus. I never met him. You used to hang out with him because you said he had good white. Yeah, yeah.

He had the best blow that I've ever done. Yeah. I mean, it made fish scale look like Tylenol. Yeah. What was his name? God damn it. He went by Sammy. Ben Lumpkin.

I can't remember. But yeah, he was cool and sooty was cool. and yeah, I used to go to those meetings they had in the woods and they were always shooting guns and talking about like, you know, how the man was bad. Yeah, well, yeah, this was a different. I remember going to this choir basement and they were like, hey, do you like ISIS? And I was like, that band rocks. And they were like, well, so you have an open mind to things named ISIS. And I was like, uh, yeah, for sure.

I love Egyptology. What are we doing? And then, uh, yeah, they showed me some cool flags and some pamphlets. and uh well no i don't remember lisa i'm sorry yeah it's fine is Lisa and i might remember no it was a different Lisa but i just saw i don't know what she's meant no no but this uh this young lady uh just launched her her next big project and and it's uh like cool dog shit bags it's like dog shit bags with attitude so that's cool

This is like when you told us This is like when you told us that you've been eating dog food I don't know what to say This is the dumbest thing I've heard in a long time Cool dog shit bags So your dog shits And then you pay for a bag That says like who's wiping who

And you scoop it up And then you walk back to Grandpa, I'm done Yes I was hoping you would remember her but yeah she was not i don't think she was her last name uh it was like italian with a v bedivelli maybe i don't know dude no macabelli was she like there when you were banging before i umanadi came to the dark side uh i don't know when this would have been i guess before you

hosted it so when you weren't going there because you were busy busy getting laid you were you were looking in trash cans for socks and resin you were in that was my scraping period lifting up cars and looking underneath for like just any change that came out refries fries knickles that rolled under the car i mean that would have been sick i meant like big half smoke sigs i remember i remember searching out in front of the squire for some refries in my day oh god that's rough you know that my initials are behind the squire in the concrete me and a lady who's not my wife have our initials back there in concrete forever Lisa Betoveli

no this was a woman who should have never let me near her I guess it could be any woman you put your hands down she put her hands and knees down because you guys did it doggy because you were an animal she didn't want to look at you she just wanted to feel you she was a full moon yeah I was fish hooking her man I was reaching around fish hooking her we were all covered in concrete we had to go get some quick lime to fucking clean off oh yeah we were sure I was stuck I was I was stuck deep but that's what borderline personality disorder will do to a fella it'll get them stuck in there I I'm in love with you let's get married okay cool let's go to city

hall wait I have a boyfriend in Iceland oh okay well uh I guess I'll just be over here fucking self. You've thrown a park bench through the window of City Hall and you're halfway into the building. Yeah. No, I have blueprints. Because it's 1 a.m. Yeah.

I actually slept in the top of a toilet for 12 hours. So when they locked it down, I was in there already. I went in and sold the burser stamp. Yeah, that was a crazy time. But no, I mean, dog ship bags you pay for because they have toad. I mean, Jesus Christ. let's just call it man I mean we did it we did capitalism all the way to the end and now people are paying to buy their dogs shit a cool thing to bag up and toss away into a bigger bag I mean just leave it man leave it on the ground is that what they do in Detroit that's the price of doing business no what they do in Detroit is they leave fucking hot wing bones on the ground and then no one walks their dog that's the trick man that was a coldax back in like 2012 yeah for sure and I couldn't let you off the leash because you kept eating all the bones

how do you want to talk about the thing you told us at the end of the last pod or I mean it's all I've been thinking about dude I literally can't get over it Emily's mad about it like I don't know well do you want to talk yeah so there was the episode like a month ago right where you tried to get, where were we? You tried to get me, we were in Austin. You tried to get me to eat a dog gummy. It's a dog melatonin. It would have worked if Becker didn't tattle. I wasn't trying to tattel. I was trying to, I didn't realize what you were doing because I was just being friendly. I was just trying to save us from eating dog treats. Yeah. He was trying to fix. He was trying to help. Yeah. Help you. Helpers. Help. He was running towards danger. Little does he know. I would have

gladly eating that. Oh, yeah. It would have been NBD. Mm-hmm. Yeah, because, and so you say, oh, I really wanted to get you to eat dog food or whatever. Mm-hmm. And I know that we're like almost done with the episode. And I don't want, just don't want to get into it.

It's not the time I decide to sit on something for a while. For a month. At least. Yeah, well, we don't see each other. Uh-huh. And I think that it'll be something we can use. while we're apart while we're away from one another and recording but we don't go that route and so I have this thing that I that I finally tell you what before we left uh we finished doing

the Patreon last week in Burlington Burlington and then um at the end of it mics are turned off oh yeah because I forgot I forgot because it had been a while at that point okay to even say it on the on that pod surreptitious misremembering yes no because it's not i mean that's my every day well not anymore but yeah no it it doesn't even register to you as abhorrent or restraint yeah that's how that's how that's how much of a deviant you are this is just another you know kooky eccentricity for the poncho man who lives in the church i'm like hey man just so you know like I said on it, but I was always going to bring it up that I often am eating dog food, like wet dog food after giving mama her pills because there's always a little bit of wet food

on the fork. It's annoying to, you don't want to just leave it on there. You can only get so much back in the can. And yeah, for some reason, I didn't think it made a ton of sense to turn around and wash it off in the sink. I thought it made sense to clean it with my mouth. Until the way that you approached this huge prank of making me eat a dog gummy, I was like, uh-oh, we are different on eating dog stuff. Yeah, yeah, because I'm a human. We're not eye to eye on this one.

Uh-huh. No. And also, that means that you had been eating dog food for enough time that when I did try to prank you with the dog food gummy and you rolled your eyes because you know I wouldn't last a day in your shoes yeah exactly

J.O. Motion uh-huh. It's just a dude. I call this Tuesday. Yeah, because you're M. Bison but it's eating dog food. And I, when you told me about

it, I mean, I didn't say anything. I was just kind of flummoxed. You and Becker looked at to the sink. Yeah. And Becker looked at each other and I was like, oh, I'm in trouble. Well, because after about maybe two minutes of me just kind of thinking, like, so this is your best friend, huh?

This guy is your co-pilot. He's in shotgun for the operation. And he is eating dog food because he's too lazy to walk to the sink. And hey, look. If it was anyone but you, I might believe that. But you, my friend, love doing the dishes. So that means. Oh, yeah.

So your, so your Colombo sense makes you think that there's a big story that you have to uncover. Extra, extra, my best friend's eating dog food. I think that I would, I would, that would sell some papers to me. Yeah, for sure. So you love doing the dishes, which means you love eating. wet dog food more than doing the dishes. No, no. Well, I don't know.

Well, okay. It doesn't make a ton of sense. I will say that. That's big of you. Thank you. That's big dog of me. Thanks for reaching across the aisle, brother. Hey, the government shut down, but the podcast has not.

We had three weeks where there was a weird, a weird furlough of Becker's services. Yeah, and you were eating a furloughed of dogfoot in the meantime. I stopped after our interaction. When I got back from Burlington, I was like, all right, let's close the book on this part of my life. Yes, this chapter needs to end immediately. Yeah.

It was, yeah, and I told you, really was kind of a who cares situation in my brain. Yeah, I know. That's what was scary. This was who cares for you was eating wet dog food because you're too lazy to walk into the sink to clean off the fork. Was just getting rid of it. That was that kind of set off my alarms that maybe this who cares isn't the kind of laissez-faire swinging devil may care bond vavant thing that I have.

And it's some kind of like clinical weirdness. I mean, you've got to quit eating the dog food, man. I did. For real, though? Yeah. Because, like I said, saying it out loud or whatever, I was like, man, yeah, this is not one that I'm going to defend or continue. It was like, just something I wasn't thinking about much, I guess. It was like it was the same thing to me.

What are you thinking about? Rinsing it off. That's what I want to know. Like, what's going on? It's occupying the space as you're sitting there. What launch codes are you memorizing as you're eating dog food off of a fork for the second time that day? Because you said you have to do it twice a day. Well, no, it just always, it just depended on if there was a little bit on there or not.

Is it enough? Is it worth your time? No, no, no. You get, I would get off whatever I could from smacking the side of the dog bowl or scraping the can. And then it was just like that was the same thing. I don't know. I guess I should have been cleaning it off with my hand and then washing my hand or whatever.

It doesn't matter. Have a little rag. It's all good. All right. Well, thank you for making that change because I literally have thought about it at least once a day for the last six days. And that doesn't seem to make sense to me.

If you're going to make fun of what I think about, why are you thinking about that so much? Because I love you so much. My stomach hurts. and that's not why I mean I told I couldn't I got to New Orleans and immediately took Emily in the back room and was like hey I got to tell you something you know she's like what what happened is Jake okay I was like yeah I was like Lund's been eating the last little scraps of dog food off the fork twice a day because he doesn't want to go to the sink to clean it off

And she said, oh, honey, you're kidding. And I had to tell her I wasn't. And look, I'm not trying to blast you. And I'm glad you're making the change. But I could really be making a meal of this whole thing. But, you know, this is the meal. We're all the better men for this. This is the kind of conversations that men have to have, you know.

Slap that fork out of your buddy's mouth before he swallows the alpo. Did you enjoy the flavor? No, there's no flavor. I told you that. I didn't hear a word past. I've been eating dog food. I just went kind of deaf. That's also part of it is that it doesn't taste like anything.

So it's not like this gross like punishment or fetish or whatever. It is a who cares as far as flavor as far as. I don't know. Remember when he was a who cares with flavor on that fish pizza? No, that tastes a good. You don't like fish. Sam likes fish and didn't like it. He didn't like it on camera.

No, it was the cheese and the fish. I was just everything about it. And it was wet. It was like slimy and dripping. It was so sweaty. The meat was sweating. Yeah. Yeah.

And usually when the meat looks alive, I pass. Yeah, no, I think there's a different thing because at least that was marked for human consumption. You know, this would be the same as if he was eating hay or. Yeah, I don't have pica. Advanced palate. Yeah, if you have pica, I mean, we could talk to a professional. But no, you're just too lazy to not eat the dog food. That was the issue I had.

Yeah, that was, hey, lock me up. I'm in a prison of my own mind. So I did that time. I did it a standing on my head. And then, yeah, I said goodbye to that version of me. Yeah. No, no, we're moving past it. No one ever, if you see, Lon, don't bring up the.

fact that he loves to eat dog food or anything like we're done here uh yeah you definitely no further questions alpo cans at the fucking skank fest don't do that yeah yeah don't don't just throw wet dog food at him and say eat up i will freak out if anybody does that that's for sure and it won't be in a fun way i won't pretend to double leg you yeah if you throw like dog food at me i will react like a dog like a angry dog and i will have to as well i'll have to back him up and pound you. I get hit with a full can of alpha. Yeah, if someone beams him with a can, that's a salt and battery.

But if you just want to take it out of the can with your hands and chuck a little bit out of them, like, that's fine. No, that's worse. Oh, okay. Then you get a little snack. Then you have to alpha and eat the wet dog food and be like, I'm the dog. Well, I catch the can and I squeeze it like Popeye and it goes up into the air and into my mouth. and then I turn into like a the strength of a dog like a rabid dog right but but I'm still a guy

then you go home and you get stuck and creech and the fire department has to come with hoses you have to feed your arm feed the bite because I'm on your arm that's another concern I have is just for your lovely wife who you know you're shirtless you're in there you're eating dog food I I mean, she loves you, you know? Did she know? Yeah, I'm not in there instead of hanging out with my wife. Don't make it sound like I'm taking a half hour like Becker with his sandwiches. No, no, no.

I'm not saying you're sneaking off to take a nip like my dad did before he quit drinking. I'm just saying that you're probably like, hey, Kreech, you want to lick the spoon? I've had enough today. You know, and then you're holding it. She's like, is that dog food? And you're like, yeah. she's like she closes the beaded curtain she's like oh hold on we are oh speaking of that sounded like dog food i haven't had any maybe you're with withdrawals

now speaking of dogs me and i watched green room yesterday and she said that i guess the three of us saw it in the theater do you remember that really it's what she said damn no i uh i don't remember that but i remember liking it in theaters and thinking it was cool becker don't watch it it's scary never seen it oh becker never watch bring her back jesus christ yeah jesus christ i tried to make them i was like oh my god i was like i'll put this on emmy'll get snugly i'll make a move on her jesus christ no no you said it was a scary movie i was like it's the night before halloween we'll put on a scary movie I think I didn't know I tried to impart how fucked up it was as opposed to just scary like a fun that it was not fun there was nothing fun about that film no I don't know if I I wouldn't watch it again for a while green room is also tough because green room is so like you could have lived a green room scenario when you were in your band for sure I mean even in comedy dude I did I did stay at a white supremacist's house in Minnesota but we

me and donnie townsen uh donnie's buddy no no we were on state it was it was me listen to this fucking whack pack of gruesome goblers joey ficken me david melendez james doyle uh donnie uh townsen we're rolling around doing shows all over iowa we going to minnesota do a show i'm on stage we need a place to stay this big white guy bald i'm like cool bald guy right on uh he's like you can stay with me. We go back. I think I've told this story on the pod before. But anyway, he reveals he's a pedophile hunter and he shows us his crossbow. And he says, if a pedophile moves into our neighborhood, me and my friends go and we scare him out. And we're like, all right, hell yeah, this guy rules. And then we went in his garage and he had a bunch of suhaws, you know, and we were like,

oh, hey, let's go back to the fire. And then there was like a real frantic conversation about if we should stay. And then he came out and gave us each of percassette. And we were like, we're staying here. And so, yeah, no, green room, green room is definitely. a thing that could happen it was it was freaky to think about uh yeah just being out there and hoping god and just not knowing what gigs you were doing back in the day i don't know how where they were at in their career as a man exactly us they were doing better than us man there was a bunch of people at that gig yeah but not because they weren't a draw they lucked into that that show Or it was a set? No, it wasn't a set of.

No, they lucked in, yeah. I mean, I don't know, dude. We had the opposite where, like, we never played for anyone that had any, like, actual ideals that, like, ever did anything. It was a lot of, like, pie-eyed dreamers, you know? A lot of, like, you know, anarcho-socialists who wanted their dogs to be the mayor. It was that kind of thing. Well, and I was confused because the dude said, you know, the little quevis that got them the gig. he said that they were far left and it was like when when was that still considered a thing

you know what I'm talking about he said who was far left the Nazis or yeah the venue like the spot where he sent them where the green room was he said something like no they're like so far left and it was like oh probably because they're probably because they're national socialists yeah like maybe maybe the kid who booked the gig is like some stoner you know he's like the boy in the chair oracle and he's like yeah they're national socialist man he's a spy he's never seen the big lobowski yeah he's some spy they like share milk and stuff man it's cool yeah well yeah it was it was intense to uh to watch that for sure and just think about yeah i just want to get in the van i just want to get our money and go i don't want uh i don't want to be trapped here anymore yeah

But nobody had ever been stabbed in the head in a green room that I was in. I was like, whoa, hey, just wanted to, like, grab another couple of NAs out of the. Yeah, Adam, Kate and Holland killing you at the Avenue Theater for drinking 50 beers in 50 minutes. Hey, come on. Where's the dog food? There was dog food on those beers. Nobody wanted them. Damn, you're shotgunning dog food cans.

They were going to throw them away. Yeah, they were sponsor cans. Who cares? speaking of uh what do you say we uh thank a couple sponsors ourselves okay yeah yeah sure i love it well as you can tell you know i'm wearing the poncho that means it's getting a little chilly i'm sure michigan was out there i'm sure you were cold as you were wearing a dress last night and no underwear yeah i could tell no undies for you you i'll tell you what man i'll tell you what i was easy breezy under there all right i was wide open i was giving people a show

And also I was swinging it. I know how to, I know how to do like a catwalk walk where you put one, your heel in front of the toe. I was swinging my big old ass around and really turning heads. You were not tucked. You were, you were a comic unleashed. Oh, yeah. And also, dude, this was fun. We got to meet a bunch of neighbors because it's like the first time people are sitting in their driveways. They're handing out candy. We have Susanna. I'm wearing a dress. So, I mean, I looked so elegant, so glamorous. Like I looked like if Sophie, you know, really gave a shit about her appearance um you know if sophie like put a little effort in to you know her makeup for once instead of just uh doing big coke bottle uh bangs and going you crazy uh she looked she looked like she was uh having a real good time in new orleans i was i was happy for her yeah it looks like a good Halloween sophie's the man we had a blast in new orleans but anyway she was swinging it around down there i you know i wasn't there for the swinging that's where you got it from you're like i should swing it like that i taught her how to swing that thing oh my god well susu was like never behind me because she was running to the next house

uh and then complaining about whatever potato chips we got so many bags of potato chips it's like what is what's going on in detroit i have no idea i have no idea everybody's trying to survive it's like they have to have a big case of potato chips and be like you want sour cream or regular and it's a bunch of five-year-olds being like candy motherfucker yeah this is not hard to do this is also not a new holiday you're breaking the social contract so that's what that's what susanna said but anyway we met one of our neighbors and the the guy offered me a beer and I was like I don't drink anymore but you know I smoke I didn't look like a square so I you know I smoked a little weed and he's like oh yeah we used to go to your house all the time for uh looks around pineapple parties

and winks at me and I was like for real and he's like oh Oh, yeah, I've lived in this neighborhood since 1983, and Andrea used to have crazy parties. I was like, all right, man. Well, I know I'm dressed like a woman, but that's not my vibe. I couldn't have been given off more of that vibe, though. Yeah, he had a couple green lights on the back of your dress that said, uh, right this way. It says back the blue, half off for firefighters. Call me sponge, Bob, because I live in a pineapple.

Under the semen. Yeah. So, yeah, I met all of my neighbors in the immediate vicinity, like, dressed as Dolores from Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice. Yeah, you looked, you guys all looked great. Thanks, man. But my whole thing was that it's getting cold out, fall is here. And there's cool nights. I was out. No undies.

School sucks. But yeah, there's heartier meals and the craving for something warm and satisfied. No, not human flesh. Oh, well, I don't care then. That's where HelloFresh comes in. Hello, Hello, Fresh. That's right. Not Hello. I love Hello Fresh.

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I made fucking chili at my house for Halloween, red bean chili. And I would have loved if I didn't have to go to the store and get three different cans of beans because Emily wanted Pinto and kidney. And I didn't have to chop up all my own vegetables. If there could have just been a big tub of chili that came in the mail that I could make easy from a meal kit service like Hello Fresh, I would have loved that. I would have loved that. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, they've doubled the menu options, which means there's now, they're now offering 100 choices every week, including new seasonal dishes and recipes from around the world.

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Yeah. That's all we have as comics, as truth tellers is our word. That's right. If I can't be trusted with everything that comes out of my mouth that I mean it, then I'm nothing. I'm a pile of bones. Oh, I've never told a joke. No, I just hold up a mirror to the world and, you know, you're blinded by your own reflection. Get steak and seafood recipes delivered every week for no fucking steak and seafood.

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Yeah, yeah. Hooked on the green demon. I can't see. I go wider than what we're using here. Well, why don't you just not use my screen? All we care about here is these great advertisers. That's right. We're all very present for the ad reads for sure.

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You want to hear something about the Kit Kat jingle? Yeah, you're not supposed to say Kit Kat. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Clay went to school with that kid. They're trying to say it's different. I think his name was Harry. His dad wrote that jingle. What? Your buddy? No, this kid went to school with Clay and he in Ithaca. Yeah, Claydow. So Claydo and this kid Harry, I think his name was Harry. Anyway, I think he like ended up OD'd like a couple years ago because of all that sweet, sweet KK money.

All right. That's nothing like Lucy. Man. Lucy's so cool. I do it all the time. I love it. It's a great. And the Lucy breakers are nicotine pouches with a capsule inside. That's right. You crack that baby open and you'll get hit with a wave. You'll get hit with a wave of flavor and hydration. Iron flavor. Did you know that? And then blood has a lot of water in it. 40 years in the desert. You have a couple Lucy breakers. You crack that open. Oh yeah. Get hydrated for another for another few days. It's like you're sucking off a can. It's crazy.

That's right. You're the camel now. My mouth is so wet all the time because of Lucy. People come up to me on the street and they're like, there's that man with the big wet mouth. Look at him. He's dripping. And I say, it's Lucy. And they say, how much?

And I say, what? It's really scary sometimes. Because you don't know what they want to buy off of you? I don't know what they're trying to buy, but they're obsessed with how wet my mouth is from Lucy. And I'm like, hey guys, like, I'm just trying to get my dry cleaning. and they're like, oh, it's going to be wet cleaning, like your mouth. You have to clean up some wet. And I'm like, oh, God.

Well, yeah, Lucy's cool and you get it from us, I guess. Right. With options. Who knows? I like it. With options like apple cider, mint, mango, and berry citrus. You're going to love it. Pick the nicotine level that's right for you.

So you can turn up the intensity whenever you need an extra boost. You can put a whole can in, man. you can put a whole puck in there not open not it no no this is obviously okay i'm going to pull back the curtain so he asked us to uh be serious for a minute a lot of people have been swallowing the cans uh because of a viral craze they've been putting the whole tin in and i know everyone's trying to do hockey puck head it's real big but you got to quit putting the cans in look i'm brett hole and then yeah you do the whole thing. I shaved my beard. I look like Evan hole. Look at me. Big hair. Yeah, you, you look good, man.

It's hard to make fun of you for eating all that dog food when you look so nice. No dog food in my teeth. That was a different guy. That guy's dead. I drowned that guy in all the hydration caused by Lucy Breakers. There was a little puddle mint mango. There's that man with a wet mouth and it's dog food. We had Lucy and Tokyo. And I'll tell you, the one thing that saved my ass in Tokyo, I almost quit a dozen times, but Lucy brought me back down to planet. Chill out, bro. A lot of mangoes in Tokyo. It was awesome.

I'll always love Lucy Breakers. These truly are the nicotine pouches of the future. I do associate Lucy Mango with Tokyo. Like whenever I pop one of those mangoes in, I think about cherry blossoms. They call me cherry blossom because my mouth's so wet. Let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. go to lucy.co slash chubby and use promo code chubby to get 20% off your first order. Lucy even has a 30-day refund policy if you change your mind.

Again, that's lucy.com slash chubby and use code chubby to get 20% off. And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age. And every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. This just in. Hey, Ding is.

I'm trying to find the next ad. Do we only have one or two, I mean? No. We have three. Yeah. Do you want to do the last one? I don't know where it is. Why don't you take it?

You're so good at it. I might as well. I mean, it's the only way I can talk on here is to sell some stuff. Eat more dog food, all right? If you want to talk, have some stories to tell. A story is not I went upstairs. That's not a story, man. I got a bunch of shit I want to tell you about, but after this ad.

I got us to the ads with my cool life. You're the man. It's just in. Fun's the man. Food rocks. That's where they call you wet mouth because you're wet food. You can see my wet mouth now because I shaved. And, you know, there are hundreds of razor brands out there.

Too many to count. Your eyes will cross if you try to number, make a list. of all these razor brands. So it can be hard to find the one that works for you. Yeah, look, you're imagining yourself in the razor aisle, just shit in a brick. Why is this all locked up behind glass? Why do I have to find someone at Walgreens to get me these goddamn razors? What kind of a side do I live in where I can't be trusted with razors?

Why do I need a bail bondsman to get something to cut my face a little bit? Why do I have to call Becker's dad to get these goddamn razors out? And then he shows up, sits outside and cries. What the fuck? right backer that happened your dad sat and feeling wet because he couldn't get the right razor well harry takes the goddamn problem out of it who does harry's that's right harry's corndick junior i don't know how you pulled that out of your ass because i'm here you should see how smooth my mound is gone that's why you were walking with confidence that's why you were untucked last

night i was squeaking man whenever i swang it around that silk on my my bare mound it was crazy the sun was not down you were not under cover of night no it was like two bowling balls getting cleaned every step I took if you ever obviously you're gonna you have so much time

now before it would even happen but when it becomes summer when it's warm out if you buy a pineapple to have a fun little treat you better bring that shit inside because if you leave that on the porch the neighbors are going to be like honey it's it's fucking out of there it's out there

It's on. Lou up. They're going to be running over. People will be half shaved with their hairy spray and razors. If a pineapple drops out of my grocery bag onto my lawn and I run in and then run back out to get it, there's going to be a line of just fucking dudes in Red Wings hats and sweatshorts just being like, Hey, we heard you're having a party. Just showing up with tubs of lard.

They just have like lard crisco cups. They're just pre-greased. They show up fucking pre-greased. So, yeah, I would make their wives suck me off before I let them in. And then I would say, party's canceled. I was nowhere near the first person to climax in your house if you account for previous owners. Oh, I guess, yeah, it was a real slot pile. So that's cool.

And if you're going to go to an orgy, you better show up smooth, man. You want to be fucking tunneling through some pile of thatch? No, you want to be smooth. I know a lot of our listeners are, you know, sexually adventurous. And, yeah, Harry's. Takes all kinds. We've got a bunch of freaks on leashes and off. But yes, Harry will help, Harry's, it's the opposite of Harry over here.

Harry's will help you get the perfect shave at an amazing price. Ditch the dole blades. You say perfect slave? Huh? Perfect shave. Oh, sorry. ditch the you're back in the venue maybe in the in the ad read twice ditch the dull blades expensive refills and bumpy skin with harries you get a barbershop quality shave barbershop three quality shave with engineered blades that are honed at three different angles to cut hair cleanly at the root and with no tugging harry's world class factory in germany has been practiced If you get smooth, you won't have to tug your route anymore.

Yeah, you definitely don't want to have, yeah, you got a bleep. Anyway, they're in Germany, and they've been perfecting their craft for over 100 years. Okay. All through the war, they control the entire process from steel to shelf, which means no middlemen and low-cost blades that outperform. Oh, this is real copy now. Okay. The more expensive competition, yes. Nice.

Yeah, I love it. uh well yeah we uh excited to uh feel feel these blades on my skin oh yeah we got i got mine already and emily literally you were here becker she stole it and used it and uh let's just say i put her turkey in the oven we had to get plan b and uh in new orleans there's a real close call because of how smooth we all were from our Harry's razors. I need to plan B, C, double D. It was a mess. Well,

Harry's doesn't just make razors. They've got a full line of grooming essentials from shave gel to deodorant to body wash. All thoughtfully made, price to stock up and ready to be delivered right to your door. To stock up in case of another war that may or may not show up at your door. For a limited time,

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they should they should oh boy and it's time to say goodbye good old three ad re Jones I have some fun stuff for you guys now here's just a question for you how stringent do you expect

either the Canadian or U.S. Border Patrol agents to be let's say that me and my wife pull up to the border with a brown little girl with a green wig on in the backseat. Because we went to Canada night to go see NGC wrestling, I think it was called. It was awesome. We were right there in LaSalle at the event center. Shout out to the guy who listens to the pod. I only got sworn by a few people, but that was cool. I think his name was Larry. How stringent do you think these border agents would be?

with us crossing the border with Susanna. Emily's driving. I'm wearing a dude love jacket. Why are you entering Canada? We're going to a wrestling show. Prove it. And then you told him to suck it. No, I hit Emily with a rock bottom.

I don't know. I have not driven through the Canadian border. I would imagine it's pretty lax. Because do they just do the random thing like Mexico where you get the red or green light or what? No. Every car gets stopped and you have to go through the booth. And we had Susanna's passport. She's two in the photo.

So she looks nothing like the green-haired. She was calling herself gutter girl to the border agent. She was like, what's your name? She's a gutter girl, princess of the beyond. He was like, come on through. They didn't ask a single question about who the fuck Susanna was. Not one. They asked me and Emily how we knew each other.

to which I had to respond and we're married. You guys serious? They're just hanging and banging. Right. The guy was looking his lips and winking at her. Just tan stuff. Yeah.

Slow playing. His mouth's wet as hell because of that Lucy breaker, but did yours ever get that wet? They didn't ask a single question. They asked if we, how we knew each other, we're married. Do you guys have any firearms?

No. Do you have any marijuana? No. Do you have any, uh, uh, So then they find out that Emily has mace, and he's like, oh, you have to pull over and you have to put that mace somewhere. And then you have to throw it into the woods as hard as you can't.

He was like, you have to pull over and get rid of it. And then we, I think, we were like, we're going to a wrestling show. And it started a half hour ago. And he was like, oh, okay, just put it in your trunk. And if you get pulled over, you're going to go to jail. And we were like, okay. Whoa. So yeah, not one question about who this little girl in the back seat is.

yeah that is weird i suppose doesn't have the same last name as either of us yeah what is her last name no just kidding what about on the way back not a single question on the way back 65 miles an hour through the middle finger out the window yeah yeah emily said sovereign citizen little brown middle finger out of the back seat It was actually the ring finger, but she doesn't know any better, and it's adorable, so we don't tell her. Yeah, get him, Sue. She wouldn't get any candy if she used the middle finger. The wrestling was good, and she was stoked, or what?

Dude, so tonight started weird. Halloween was fun. There's really nothing noteworthy about Halloween. We trick-or-treated through the neighborhood. It was fun. A bunch of chips. A bunch of chips, yeah, the chips didn't really make it home. Oh, big hit this year, my favorite piece that I stole from the little queen of the beyond.

Kit Kat Ghost Toast, which ironically is also the nickname of the guy who came up with the theme song, Sunned. So, nice. I love when it comes together. I love when it's just out there and you find it. But yeah, Ghost Toast was fun. and yeah we trick-or-treated we went to a party last night of emily's friends you know some friends from work a lot of doctors and their their lovers there this was a fun thing that happened and tell me if you think i'm a monster about i've you know if that pineapple came out i think me and emmy would have had first pick we walked in and it was like the fucking you know it was on everyone wanted it no i'm kidding they were lovely people and uh all bright young things but one of them is very pretty and has a boyfriend who was dressed like uh she was the trunch bull but she was like sexy trunch bowl and then he was the kid who ate the cake so he's walking around with his chocolate

all over his face and uh at one point he shows me the cake tray and i was like whoa too bad you don't have any regular cake you could put your face in and he's like i brought one actually and i was like well you got to do that so then he like gathered everyone around and then it was a very somber he was just like all right and then he shoved his face in the cake and everyone was like very good okay so how to set it up or sell it or whatever no he doesn't know what's going on i mean people were filming like okay and then it was just like he like i don't know i would have done it better let's put it that way yeah but you know i'm the best what are you going to say I walked in and I, right away I walked in.

I introduced myself to one of these people I hadn't met and she was like, oh, you're lovely. And I used Brett Hikers line about Halloween when he dressed like a lady. Yeah, I love Halloween. It's the one day I don't have to wear a costume. You said that. Oh, yeah. And another lady came in and I was like, hey.

And she put out her hand and she was like, hi, I'm, whatever her name was. And I was like, well, I'm a pretty lady. And so are you. And everyone was like, ooh. I was really swinging that thing around. it was awesome the guy tries to put the cake in his face again it bombs even harder than the first time he puts the cake up to his face he pulls it away he's bleeding from the forehead is like all right now i mean that's pretty cool i don't know how i don't know how you got color from

cake but he's trying yeah he's jealous uh and look he's a doctor like he's smarter whatever but anyway we're in the basement later sorry there's a guy named Dre there who's dating one of the doctors he's about six foot eight giant black guy we're getting along we're having a nice time uh cake boy walks up inserts himself in this fun conversation asked Dre hey where you're from Dre eight foot tall black guy oh I'm from like seven mile little cake boy little white cake boy oh so you use a real one huh oh no dray laughs laughs and says well I wouldn't say

I'm a real one and then I go I especially wouldn't say it if I was him and point at Cake Boy Yeah Dre body rocks Leans I'm at I'm at North He's at South Cake Boys East another guy's west

Dre reaches across the circle We dap to that sick burn Right in front of Cake Boy Cake Boy bailed to go get another cake I yeah to go put all of the chocolate all over to finish the job

do you think I was a dick there no it was a weird weird move and obviously I'm not trying to be mean I like cake boy but use a real one yeah you would have looked weird if you didn't say anything

I should have been like Dre, is a true user real one? And Drey went on to tell me a story about how he, after he got out of basketball, after he got out of college basketball, his mother passed away and she left him a bunch of money, but the money made him feel bad. So when he heard his leg playing basketball, he just went to Florida for like 18 months and blew like six figures on partying. Yeah.

Salazar. Wait, did he do that? Nick, you know, he was very generous. But, yeah, no, I was like, what? He was like, yeah, man, I just like went with the purpose of blowing all the money. And I was like, okay, when did you get back? And he's like, man, I don't know, like March or May, like one of the M months. It was pretty crazy.

I was like, where's the craziest place? Miami? And he went, oh, Jacksonville. Jacksonville's got gators and they'll bite you. And I was like, whoa, yeah, I've never seen a gator. And he's like, that's what they call them. And I was like, oh, okay. I think it might have been a cool term for, you know, sex workers.

I'm not sure. Yeah. Well, you're not a real one. So you were lost. Not a real one, man. Lost in the sauce. God, what an idiot. That's how you, you would have said that in 2013.

You would have said it in 2018. No. Let's not point fingers, Glasshouse. No. You're nude and so am I. you would have loved it i would not have i hate that stuff and especially since mel entered sophie's life in my life i've been very self-conscious about it like i don't like what emily says like yes queen even though she's like of the culture you know she's culturally black

according to that test she took online yeah uh yeah in essence and Hannah stay in New Orleans after you? They got there before me, and I was there for two days. And, you know, we went to Coquette. Coquette has suffered. It's not as good as it once was. I was kind of bummed. I drank a couple glasses of wine at Coquette.

Yeah. I don't know. It was fine. It was easy, breezy. We watched football all day. I met Luke's girlfriend. She's really cool. Yeah, nothing really happened.

Because I didn't go out partying with them. They were out until, like, 4 a.m. every night and i was like i'm gonna go home and me and mel would go home and you know smoke dabs and we watched like giata lawrence or whatever her name is who's that hot fucking chef the one who has a last name but giata not not jada is she the italian one with the huge head yeah huge head but british who's the british hot one nijela lawson i don't know i think nijela she is such a fucking smoke show oh my god total dump truck Uh, anyway. So yeah, New Orleans wasn't that crazy. Um, what was I going to tell you, though? Oh, the wrestling event tonight. Uh, Susanna's first wrestling show. I show up at my dude love jacket on. The textbook sent me. Before we even get in the building, some guys like, I love that fucking jacket, bro. I'm like, hell yeah, dude love. We get in there. I mean, it is full scale wrestling event, dude. Like curtains, big screen with everyone.

name on them like blaring intro music we go sit second row we wind up being in like the spy section it was all spy kids so like they think it's real i'm telling them it's real when something happens they like turn to me and ask and i'm like i don't know man i i the pile drivers are legal in america i don't know nice oh yeah it was awesome and susanna thinks it's all real she's clapping i mean when i say that she was happier than a pig and shit i i mean it dude i've never seen Like, she kept looking over at me, just beaming as, like, you know, 400 pound black guy, like, just cut from stone, beating the shit out of Damien Chambers. It was awesome, dude. It was why wrestling should exist for little kids to, like, oh, yeah, she's clapping, you know, like everyone's doing their job.

Everyone's yelling like, you suck, you know, like bad guys, good guys are being delineated. She can easily tell. As soon as I tell the guy that, you know, the bad guys identified, she's like, he's my favorite. we saw a pile driver i mean i sent you that video dude they had a false count anywhere where this guy ninja climbed up on top of like a one of those things called they like like a like a extension crane yeah like a cherry picker but not yeah like a lighting rigs standalone like a cordiening like metal there's a lot of men out there listening who know the scissors lift scissor lift sure yeah that sounds right let's go with that from my pineapple party days i think

A scissor lift. If the ladies are healthy enough, then you can lift them. But if they're a little bigger, then you've got to be careful. There was a lot of girls you couldn't lift at the wrestling show. You need that little chair that gets people in the pool to get them up. That's what gets me up here. No, you're using the stairs. A little chair.

If you were going to blast me, if you were going to blast me for not being able to find my mic, I was going to hit you with. Well, yeah, it's hard to find stuff when you use the stair. cases in your house because I like to paint the picture that you just live underground in the basement we have to how I think of you we have to climb stairs to get in and out of the basement oh yes to the outdoors yeah but yeah man this wrestling was like so great and I'm glad we got take her and who I mean fucking steel cage match we didn't get a stay for the steel cage match because it took them 40 minutes to set up oh you were just wait sitting there how long did you wait yeah we waited for probably 20 minutes and susanna ate a piece of very bad pizza after eating

nothing but candy for 48 hours and she was like my tummy hurts and i was like shut up you know i was like shut up giant mahoney's going to come out here and beat up irish jack bastard in a steel cage so if you knew anything you would know this was going to be cool just can it go sit on the toilet i'm like i'm holding a lighter to her passport i was like you want to stay here forever can make that happen they don't ask any questions at the border you saw yeah but no she was a little sweetie we had to leave before the steel cage and also it's the world series and i don't know if you guys know who's in the world series but it's canada's only baseball team so everyone was like real antsy to leave it was getting kind of bored so yeah yeah might as well see what happened oh

extra innings damn no i haven't watched any of it but it's been good i know it's been good it's game seven and this guy at the party last night shout out to banana man who i was rip and hash pens with this doctor party he told me that otani that's the guy with the dodgers yeah it would be like if it's the equivalent of score he plays like the equivalent of scoring five touchdowns on offense and then having like nine pick sixes the other way like he had three home runs and nine strikeouts in the world series he's like the only equivalent is babe ruth and he's probably better than Babe Ruth. I had no idea. I thought he was just like a baseball

player. He's the best baseball player. Who cares? Yeah, I don't know how long Babe Ruth pitched. I feel like it wasn't long. But I think he was a baseball dork and he was like, it's the same thing. Yeah. Yeah, no, and it hasn't been a thing. Also, I feel like strikeouts are more common than a pick six, so it's not exactly the same but still no it's super impressive that game that he had was very impressive for sure i think that the last five minutes of this pot were probably a strike out but don't let that keep you

from coming to see me at magubes in baltimore weltymonium and then Denver hey Denver show of strength sell all these shows out so that maybe next year i can do the paramount and that's really the only goal i have in stand up besides doing the wilbur whoa so if you're in denver like if you could buy those tickets so that it can be like a week out and they're all sold out and then maybe lunch show gets moved um you know what to the paramount uh yeah outside cafe yeah right there on the mall no go see lun too lund's on sunday i'll be there um i'm doing like i'm hosting i'll do like 45 up front european style european style yes and then uh you know san diego main main samtalent.com let's finish the year strong come on y'all also the patreon we should have hit we should

have talked about it earlier but go join the patreon there's so many episodes waiting for you so many people who have listened to all of the free ones and re-listen and it's like dude get on that page we started it five years ago there's so many episodes just sitting there jacking off waiting for you to put your mouth on them becker becker talks on those episodes yeah there's literally only one less episode so it's almost an exactly equal amount wow that's crazy also uh cisyphus brewing december 26 and 27th what a wonderful christmas present for the twin cities the gift of lawn is that the button i guess i don't know you have dog food brain you're thinking about the next spoonful i uh buy a sweatshirt goodbye