Chubby Behemoth - Elf’s Diaper

Episode Date: December 22, 2024

SPONSOR: Factor - Get 50% off your 1st Factor box, plus free shipping. Use code 50CHUBBY at https://www.factormeals.com/50CHUBBY   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys have been having a good time in Milwaukee. Sam explains how he determined the best Austin Powers film, got his mind melted by a Belgian news story, and got woken up by a phone call about his markers. Nathan recalls a lap dance competition, is excited for his church yard activities, and gives Sam some pricing advice.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

All right, we're currently recording and I think we sound good. I know we sound good because I come into this with... You're too hot. No, I'm kidding. I come into this with confidence and bravado. I think that's what people like. Machismo. Yeah, yeah.

Chutzpah. Machismo. Chutzpah. The Jewish... Oh, do you remember what we laughed about last night? No. Zone of interest? That immediately would make it a Patreon. I don't know if it would.

No, it wouldn't. No, yeah. But just thinking about, well, what was I comparing it to? We must have been talking about something. Was it you eating your own penis? No. That was the talk of the night. Must have been talking about something. Is it you eating your own penis? No, that was the talk of the night. That was that was the early leader for laugh of the day. Yeah. God, we laughed yesterday, didn't we?

You literally said that aloud in the green room. I literally said, oh, how we laugh. Oh, how we laugh. Oh, how we. Well, I was really happy. It was like you were having a moment of clarity, like you had dementia, Alzheimer's. And then all of a sudden you came out of it. I was lucid. Yeah.

Yeah, I was. Oh, how we laugh. I was momentarily lucid. And then just back into it. No, I was just, how do you say, how you say happy to see you? I was so happy to see you, and we had a great time yesterday.

Here in Milwaukee. Yeah, God, one of our favorite cities. A great city. Where the sun goes down at 3.30, but you don't mind. Because the beers are cold, and the sausage chasers get you all the way back to normal. It's all sausage and cheese. We just watched some of Austin Powers.

Not enough of it. Yeah, the last like 15 minutes. Still, we heard the song. We saw the Asian hit man. Yeah, who throws a shoe. Who throws a shoe. The first one, which you know, you recently determined, what does it go? 312? It wasn't recently determined, it was four years ago during like COVID. COVID when you had to finally take a break. You had to take your foot off the gas. Well, I remember we were in New Orleans, me, my mom, my dad, and Emily, most of them still

alive. And I remember like when the pandemic hit, Emily was working in a hospital down there in New Orleans. She was doing a rotation. It was like the last part of her before residency. It was the last part of med school. And she was like, I'm going to do a month in New Orleans. I'm barely going to work.

We'll fuck off. We'll party. Bring your parents. So we got a house in the French quarter and then COVID hit like a week into it. That's when my mom went from like, you know, like freewheeling just out on Bourbon street, you know, like flashing, dumping them beads galore. She was living. She was eating oysters every day. She was just like drunk 24 seven. This was post stroke. She was loving it. And then the city shut down and mama couldn't get any more of those daiquiris that kept her from trying to go down the stairs without her chair. Yeah.

Trying to go down in the chair. So the chair would finish the job. I think she would dump. I think she would leave the chair behind as one final, fuck you to her situation. I'm flying. Yeah. I don't need you chair. She puts on Tom Petty. Cause I'm free. Free falling.

And we can't understand her cause she's just like, Julie, Julie. Sophie David. And we're like, uh oh. You're not in there? No. Two Julies. She wouldn't put me in the note. Two Julies.

She loves me. Yeah, so we just like, I ended up getting some weed from Alex Luchin, finally. So we got some weed and we were sitting in the apartment, we were fucking bummed because the city shut down. So we decided we were all going to get high and watch Austin Powers. And that was so much fun. We watched the next one and then we had dinner and then we watched the last one.

Great. Great day. Yeah. Gold member for sure. The best one. The most jokes. Across the board. Yeah.

Everybody was feeling that. Yeah. And that was after we've already watched, you you know three hours of the funniest movies ever made. Three was still like oh my god. Mini-Me really shines. My family loves tinies because we don't have any. Yeah, you know it's like you cover what you don't have. Well, it's novel, right? Well, I mean Mini-Me is so fucking funny. So small. Yeah. Like doesn't talk at all. Yeah, he doesn't have to. He doesn't have to.

No, he has superhuman power. Fern Troyer does a standup set at a club or something. 30 minutes. He doesn't say a goddamn word. Destroys. Yeah, just every 7 to 10 minutes he goes like this. Yeah. Where he just hits the pinky in the corner and everyone's losing it. Him waddling upstairs Takes three minutes and people are dying. That's the opener. He gets thrown around

Like a projectile. Yeah, it's awesome He acts like he is gonna climb up on the stool. That's another minute and a half get there Yeah, you can't get the lid off his water bottle. It looks huge in his hand. Yeah. Yeah, give him like one of those huge boss bottles. It's like a third of his size and he can't get it open Yeah, he moonwalks on the cap to unscrew it he shows his little weird ass That's the big finish. Yeah, that's like Steve Byrne doing a dance contest big finish Bring up three people from the crowd They're all white or no, white white black you know so that you know the first two you're gonna clown on the third person probably has some moves now are you trying to make fun of Steve burn yeah or a different guy who beat you in

a comedy competition in South Dakota I can make fun of him too if you want. Okay well I was just like whoa Steve Byrne deep cut. I just remember at an improv we're at the Milwaukee improv at the Denver improv I worked with him yeah and he did the big 15 minute closer was a dance competition. No way. Lap dance competition. He got the lap dance? No, I think they, so there were four people, three competitors and the subject. Three women, one man? Lap dance? No, I think, actually I think it was three men lap dancing on a woman. Okay, now we're talking. That's hilarious. Okay, cool. All right, I didn't know you were giving like a little comedy lesson right here You have a lot of young comics listening to this a lot of the young comics of the show last night Well hold on walk me through this respect walk me through this thing real quick Steve Byrne Yeah, so he would have the guys dance on the on the lady. Yeah, is he doing how you doing commentary do the leg? He's doing Renee vodka. Yeah, definitely

Getting in there a little bit. Uh-huh music playing. Yeah, such a funny like it's such just a big old wasted time Just a big old waste of precious time But people do leave that thing going like that was a hell of a show. Oh, yeah He's got the plaque at the this improv. He does Yeah, I think he did the first show there at the new at the new spot and Yeah, when I saw the Plac it made me think of Brea improv with what's his nuts. Yeah, who was that? Joe Coy? Joe Coy, yeah, 50 shows in a row. There was 700,000 people. Yeah non-stop. They were just doing shows and shifts

He actually had a backup Joe Coy who did the late show every night. Was it Joe Coy? Probably Joe Coy fucking prints money. The biggest improv in the world and he sold out like 18 in a row or something. Well here's the thing, like you get your people. He has Filipinos, he has Hawaiian, Pacific Islanders, we've got big fat guys. Specific Islanders, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not just general. Oh you said Pacific Islanders. Yes. Whoops. Whoops. Yeah, there said Pacific Islanders. Yes. Whoops. Whoops.

Yeah, there were a bunch of young comics there last night. You found your niche. School shooters, grocery store shooters, manifesto lovers, meat lovers. People who make meat lovers pizzas for a living. Several people bigger than us. That one guy was us in a lot of ways. Which one? Over the years. The guy that was like a composite of us in like face, beard, Oh, yeah.

Long hair. Yeah, yeah. Your cheeks, my ears. He looked like a fucking AI. He looked like Captain Albano. He did. He looked like one of the things people post on the Reddit, of like if we banged that would be us if we were putting like a paint shit but he wasn't a smush oh he was like taller than you or he was

bigger than me he was broad he had my kind of body which is it looks fat but it's rock-hard you know that's how I used to be before I really started adding on the pounds that's how I am now I've gotten soft mm-hmm you're getting rock-hard I'm not I'm just losing a little bit of weight from time to time really started adding on the pounds. That's how I am now. I've gotten soft. You're getting rock hard. I'm not, I'm just losing a little bit of weight from time to time, except for this morning. January 1st, it begins. Yeah.

And you're going to have a jumpstart too, cause I'm going to be in, I'm going to be in Japan. I'm going to be out in that church yard. Like it's the prison and I'm just going to do pushups and lift stuff. Yeah. Fight. I'm going to fight a lot.

That gets the end shape basketball, a lot of rough physical basketball. Yeah, full court. Yep. Uh huh. Like Horace Grant. You're not going to recognize read two and a half months. You're just fucking boxing out. Oh no, I'm inviting. She's in the snow. I'm inviting everybody. Oh neighborhood kids going hard. It's gonna be you and Becker and Carlos. It's going to be a guy with wasting disease and a 65 year old Latino. You're going to throw bows. You should let Carlos train you. You should be your elderly sensei. He'll come over and be like wax on wax off bro. Yeah, either way my lowrider is going to look sick. He's talking about

hash tabs wax on, but only for like a second or two and then you gotta take it off. Just a little bit until you see the smoke and then you rip that shit, man. It's like you've never heard him talk. Well, I do a good Carlos actually, which sounds like a Luchador ghost. Yeah, in spirit, it captures something about him,

but those details are not there. I'm Carlos. Hey man, how are you? You be someone else. I'll be Carlos. Ready? This is our friend Carlos Madrid. If you've been to Skankfest, he's the guy in my crew who's not Becker. You know him, you love him. He's the best. All right? Loz, what's up, man? Oh. You want a Coors Light? Hey, Nathan. What's up, dude?

Not a lot man. I've been good. Do you say Coors light? Yeah, I wonder if you wondered if you wanted a beer See And see and seen no and see Losiento, ah, yeah,iento. Yeah, that's him. That's what it's like to talk to my uncles too. Yeah, oh, Patricio, got to see him at Comedy Works. Uncle Patricio, man, shout out.

Introduce himself, I was like, oh, I know you. You and that trusty work phone of yours. No, I didn't bring it up, but I wanted to. How's nice of you not to bring up him ruining my mom's funeral. Nothing could ruin Dave T's speech,. No no no. Incredible. Damn I wish we were just I wish we had Evan Almighty on sound blast. Full blast. Yeah. But no, we're doing the pod. For some reason Evan Almighty's on the TV. It came on after Awesome Powers. I figured maybe we'd have something inspiring come on the screen

it's a who's who everyone of comedians and character actors one is likes one of sikes had them you ever noticed that had them has them unsullied by biological children because she adopted oh yeah she never fed off those bags. Gay. Yeah. Closeted gay. Interesting. Gay breasts. Maybe that's the last resource that we should get our hands on. Closeted for I think like the first 10 years of her career right? She was. She had to be. Drink man. Remember that? Guy at the bar buys you a drink and the rest of the night you have to avoid him or else they say, hey it's drink man. Drink man. Yeah, but now she closeted. This can't be fun. How do you like it? It's a big room. How do you like it? You seem to enjoy it. No, you're not gay. I wish you were. Yeah, I know.

That'd be cool. That would be the best. I'd be a hero instead of a white nationalist, co-conspirator. They already have Tim Dillon, they don't need me. You're Mestizo or whatever, so that helps. I'm letting it hang. Oh yeah, the Bray Improv reminded me to Dillon, Tim Dillon before I did it. Well the good news, it's a big room, and you aren't gonna fill it.

You're not gonna fill it. Yeah. Too many seats. A lot of people need to be in the room. They're not going to fill it. Yeah. Too many seats. A lot of people need to be in the room. They're not going to be there for you. They could be. Why wouldn't they be? Could be good. Probably be bad.

Last night, surprisingly good. Yeah, surprisingly good. Although, did you feel like first closer half of the crowd, most of them know you, they're younger, they're digging it. Stoked. And then you don't look up at the second row, right? Yeah. Because that's all gray haired, suburbanites, Christmas shopping. Hey, comedy. I love standup comedy. I can't wait to see some random standup comedy that I didn't plan my day or week around. Yeah. Sam Talent. Well, I mean, I would imagine like most comedians, he's trying to appeal

to everyone. I bet he wants to touch every base. He's gonna come meet us halfway. I mean, talk about married life and your crazy in-laws. The foibles of Uber riding. Obviously, he's using a stage name, Talent, but he's a little wacky. He put an extra L in there. Yeah. That's fun. Come on, Janine. Round up the the girls from the euchre game and let's go see a show How's that sound that spend more money than we budgeted for Christmas and then be stressed as hell going into the stand-up comedy program

And let's take it out on the performers who we've never known were alive until right there favorite It's funny to imagine someone saying their favorite stand-up comedian was Fred Rogers. They think he was a stand-up He's my favorite Marine and my favorite comedian Fred Rogers. Getting me. Did you notice that this mirror would make you look like you were like you had punched it in anger? That mirror right there? Yeah it shattered. I like to look at it and pretend I'm Dr. Strange. You can look in that mirror and think you're on acid. Yeah it's like a luchador mask. It's crazy. Yeah, I've been looking into it as I've been drawing these sick shirts.

I've been making a bunch of shirts because... Don't show them because they're not going to be available after this weekend. They're going to fly off of the table. Look at that. Packers official Sam T Packers collab. The NFL shop. Thank you so much for totally green lighting this. You're gonna get C indeed. As long as I don't get DDT'd by Jake the Snake. He's back. He is

back. He's a big Packers fan too. He's clean. He's not using. My Packers, my daddy would take me to Packers game. Vince Lombardi put me in a corner. He put me in a corner and he diddled me. He diddled the shit out of me. Right there, he used his own damn trophy. Did you use the diddle line on a special? Which one? Just when you would say how it's insane that like the worst thing that can happen is called diddling.

You hired a diddler for your kid's fourth birthday. Sounds like a thing a child would love yeah yeah let's do that tonight maybe we'll do it why don't you do it dibs on the did you can have it man you know what I did want to do if the show had gone worse if it was all second level people all gray hair just oh my god and I I like didn't do like one thing because I was like yeah this could be I didn't do my big closer last night I didn't do like one thing because I was like, ah, this could be, uh, I didn't do my big closer last night. I didn't do the, uh, the daughter thing. I didn't do any of that. Yeah. I was, yeah. Cause I was like,

some of these people aren't here to see me. I'm doing well. I'm improvising a lot. It's going fine. Why would I make it about me and do the things I'm proud of? No, it's cold out. My wiener's gone. That's you seasonal tiny penis. I make it about me and do the things I'm proud of? No, it's cold out. My wiener's gone That's you seasonal tiny penis. I like it, but it's like that's that's trying to take some pressure off of the abortion 15 Okay, I do that in the end before I do the thing about my wife being dead Like there's a lot I do I do the hamburger helper line in there. Yeah I'm like I do the oh you're pretty good at this thing Complete shit I thought I saw through

the gesturing and the gesticulating and That's solid yeah, no, I know obviously you're a student of the game I was the teacher but you were yeah Then you took that one other class. Uh-huh TJ's Miller's Riffonomics plate spinning to TJ's Millers. It's kind of like attorneys general. That's how you actually say his name. But yeah, you took, I took some stank off of, I didn't do like one thing. And then as I'm doing my other stuff, I'm like, all of this is like potentially very upsetting stuff I don't know I mean the you know who else was beaten to death yeah sure Jesus Christ yeah Mary and then I say Merry

Christmas everybody it feels like I'm really poking the bear like I'm a bad boy yeah like I'm like I just carved school sucks into the into the playground wall right yeah you just stole the the victory bell Now the football team can't ring it on homecoming, right? Yeah, I had a similar situation where I went out and I told the whole story about getting diarrhea from a Santa Claus visit It's like I can't go out there and be like me, you know, it's the old days Yeah, there was a thing about Springfield as I like kind of like learned I remembered then I was like, okay Sometimes they're not all here to see you and you still have to give them a decent show

Which means this kid's dressed like a little cowboy and then you beat that to death When you move away much like Jesus Christ. Yeah Yeah, Springfield was the first time in a while where it felt like the the old days yeah, when nobody knew who we were and we usually tried to just be us. Well, but you know, I always playing around with whatever. And also when you headline, you do that. Yeah.

Sometimes I think I'm just going to be me and I can't try to do that. I don't have as much time to do all of that to be you. Why don't you be you tonight? I, I, me is wanting to do my jokes and not meeting them more than halfway. Yeah. Yeah. And not, uh, well, I didn't say, I didn't talk about anal cunt last night. And I, but I, but I still had to talk about the Holocaust and dying fetus and restraining orders. I didn't say restraining orders are like DUIs. We all have a couple of them

They would have loved that though. They all have DUIs There Wisconsin people who drove to a mall. They're gonna drive home half cocked. Yeah Well, we got four more shows four more big shows this weekend Brookfield with man, let me tell you the deals the improvs give comedians, awesome. Yeah. No! I looked at the thing that Turner sent me and I was like, oh, okay. Man, I remember that because in the Pittsburgh improv, we had a great time. And then when it came time to pay me, I was like, oh, okay.

I guess I am a worm. I am a fucked up little worm. Yeah, you're not a bird just yet. I want to fly. You got to wiggle. I have been wiggling. Oh, by the way, do you see that woman at brunch who sat with the gay couple? No, I didn't look over there. They were right behind you. She came in, she was wearing a pink trucker hat that said Santa's favorite and then she was dressed like Big Bird from the neck down. What? Yeah, she was wearing a pink trucker hat that said Santa's favorite. And then she was dressed like Big Bird from the neck down. What? Yeah, she was just covered in like feathers. Ah, damn.

It's very strange. Yeah. So. Christmas adult. Yeah, Christmas adult. I love Christmas. I'm like sexy about my love of Santa. Santa's favorite.

I want to sit on Santa's face. Dude. I mean. Kill Santa. Kill Santa. face dude. I mean kill Santa Kill Santa kill Santa sit on his face Burke him it would crush his head like Ted Binion. Yeah, Teddy Binion. He's a magical elf I think he can handle a face sitting. Well, I mean it's not Christmas season every night You know, Mrs. Claus needs to keep the thing on her. A woman from Trinidad named Allison Margaret. Yeah, RIP.

No, she is Santa's wife in a Target commercial that's been everywhere. Really? She's not in Trinidad now. She grew up in Trinidad, went to New York and or LA to act. And then for like a year and a half she was in Trinidad and ran the black box theater. You guys have a theater down there? Why aren't you doing theater? Main Street Live because it's 130 seats and I was getting like 15 people. I did

my whole first year of shows there once a month and it was just wildly unpredictable how many people were gonna show up you're bringing all the big names you're bringing all the big names down Andreas Bessarro Pichard I got Pichard half committed no Sarah Kennedy came up from Albuquerque Derek Strupe before anybody cared they love dr. Kev but you can't bring dr. Kev every month you could he would gladly do that once a month yeah once a month with Kev, but you can't bring dr. Kev every month you could he would gladly do that once a month Yeah, once a month with Kev We used to hang out with him once a week once a month is alright. I didn't know how good we had it Let me get a look at you. I'm gonna take a bite out of the whole apple little hipsters

Used to be the crowd was goth puss But then it became hipster puss and that that's what I knew. That was even better. It was time to dance around in those little tights like an elf without knee underwear on. I knew how good we had it. Dr. Kev would, he would do an elf once a year, remember? And then he would tap dance dressed like an elf, but he also wouldn't wear any undies. Just tights.

His huge old man hog and ball bag would be dancing around. Cool dick. It was the equivalent of in American history X where the guy takes his shirt off to show his swa. Yeah that was dr. Cav been like you think I'm an old piece of shit huh? Check out this gagger. My dick had a pretty impressive boxing career as well. Yeah 12 KOs and it was always punching out uvulas. 40 BJs. You want to tell them about the movie riff you had last night? Oh, God, yeah. So, yeah. God, how we laugh. I don't know how you got on the zone of interest. Maybe because we heard the possible sex.

I don't know. And it was just the idea of hearing something the possible sex. I don't know. And it was just the idea of hearing something. Yes. And I don't know. Like if we were doing this podcast right now and just through the wall, we heard, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, yeah, you like it. You're like it a lot. Don't you? It happens. Yeah. It's that bastard. Oh, you're like my ween. Oh, he's keeping a PG. Oh, I'm really laying it on you there ain't I? It's not even that bastard. No, who is this guy? Irish who is this guy?

It's the transporter. Oh Jason Statham. I'm transporting your pussy to pleasure town. That's pretty good. I'm pounding away. I'm English see the pleasure down that's pretty good I'm pounding away in English I'm English I didn't know I could do this guy until right now say I'm not saying you're nailing it I'm saying it's fine it's almost perfect in it as long as I don't open me mouth I caught it locked in it's like you're mid-Atlantic. It's like mid-Atlantic, baby. You're just rubbing both parts of your throat together. Raise your powers. Yeah, baby. Do I make you horny, baby?

Do I make you horny, Niles? Please, why haven't we done it yet? Let's save the show. Somehow you talked about Zone of Interest. I haven't seen it. You say, oh, it kind of shows like how People who live next door to an annihilation camp. Yeah a concentration hall a Holocaust hideaway They live right next door to it

So every now and then you just hear and then you said what do you I was like you hear you hear the horrors of the? Holocaust contrasted with their like very normal right lives the holocaust contrasted with their like very normal right lives and yeah you said there's like just like screaming or I said my spilkes that got us pretty good you just hear people like screaming and then the sudden quiet of them no longer screaming due to being exterminated and then you just go oh my glaven atrium i don't know if it has to be well now that we saved it for halfway through yeah i think we can avoid some of the negative repercussions that might come with such a giggle. Well, we're just saying like the Holocaust happened,

it was bad, and it's nice that people are making art despite the darkness. Did you like Zone of Interest? I zoned out. I lost interest. You're playing Candy Crush. Do-do-do Talon, your pediatrician. My, uh, what did AJ say his buddy is a wolf biologist? Yeah, that was funny. And a grizzly bear biologist. You said, that's tough, tough just to be a wolf, let alone a have to go to college. No, I said a man no. What what you know how hard it is to get into biology school? If you're

a wolf, all right, yeah, mine was clean great. I don't want to be misquoted. I know you want to control the narrative. Whoever owns the hot sheets, owns the business yeah, yeah zone of interest. Haven't watched it yet. I watched Strange Darling.

I thought that was pretty cool. I watched Dinner in America. Yeah, you won't shut up about it. You played like the lamest song ever last night. It's not lame. This song totally rocks. It's good. I've heard Beat happening.

It's an ear worm. It's in there now. I was not warmed. That's a six milligram sesh. I'm having one, bro. Hell yeah. Yeah keep these things rocking. You don't like the mangoes I don't think. I don't know if I like either of them. These are the ones that are like wet. They're kind of like a... No I don't think they're wet. They're like an elf's diaper. They're so small. They're compact. No the zins are like tiny and sharp but that's like a

little pillow. Dude, shout out to the weirdest duo ever last night. The last two guys in the merch line. God bless. Yeah. I ain't like, uh, like, uh, Jason Momoa. It was Jason Momoa, but a little bit shorter, but dressed exactly like Jason Momoa. I kept thinking of, uh, the wrestler Elias. He had a similar look, big beard, often a hat buff too. The dude was really ripped. He looked like a pro wrestler. And what kind of, the kind of cross that has, is it Celtic, that has the horseshoe on the top instead of just like another straight line, you know? It's like a cross, but then the top instead of just like another straight line, you know, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like a cross

But then the top has like the little horseshoe like oval above. I think it's some pagan Norse nor thing. Yeah. Yeah rune. It's in God of War. Yeah, I mean he kept saying God bless you though, too Yeah, so yeah, yeah, he rocked. He had a crazy hat on that I said look like it should be covered in harmonicas That's how I described the hat to the back of the room baby teeth as they were googling money back question mark in prov, Milwaukee Yeah, he but he was up front with that kid and he was there with like, you know a kid whose name was probably Zaxby or something Little burlap was there with him as if it was his charge and they were both very sweet and they seem to be like

deep bros. Like they were best friends. They've been through some stuff to get. I think so dude. Yeah, yeah, they're like us. You and me situation. Yeah, fifteen years. I let you figure out which one is the jacked one with the cool hat. You have glasses. The other guy needed a stigmatism. You needed two prescriptions. Yeah, they were cool. God, what are they? What did you after that show though? You know, probably keyed some cars. Yeah, for sure.

They're trying car doors to try to get Christmas presents. Yeah. I like to think that the big one put the little one in a shopping cart and was just ramming him into the bushes. Jackass style, ramming them into cars. Yeah. Set off the alarm so that the guy owner of the car comes out and they can fight them. Yeah, they table top them for sure. Yeah. And the big one goes straight They tabletop him for sure. Yeah. And the big one goes straight voldo on his ass claws. What I like to think he has claws to like Wolverine, but he said voldo. Yeah, voldo. What's that voldo was from

one of those fighting games, soul caliber. He was a soul bout caliber player. Okay. I think I brought him up before and I think he has claws, but he didn't have claws and I've conflated him with the guy from street fighter who climbed the cage Vega Vega, the sexy one, but they all got switched around, uh, for the U S in America or in Japan, Vega's name is ball, rock and sag it is bison. Like they're all, they they were there was some weird shuffling I think M Buffalo was the name of a guy and bison oh no Mike bison was the one who boxed I think okay and they got sued like by Mike Tyson no no yeah I think so he couldn't kick I hated that, yeah one note. Mm-hmm and you're in a street fight for your life and you

Put on the gloves. Yeah, you put on the eight pounders to protect your opponent, right? Yeah, who has a claw for a hand and is climbing on a fence in like a murder cage of his own design Because he's like some kind of like Prince dude Did we talk about the fucking Belgian sex slave cover up? No, no. Are you sure? Yeah. Oh my God, I got my mind melted with this. There's this fucking castle somewhere in Luxembourg or Belgian or France that's known as like the coven of the dark witches is what the locals call it and it's like they have tunnels dude and

they keep finding kids in mine shafts and there was like this dude who required kids and he would bring him to this like party house and then they do the pink ballet pink ballet dude yeah go on a fucking private window and Google the pink ballet belgium. If you find it you're next dude they've been doing this shit forever three hundred thousand belgians took to the streets because they was they were busted covering up like Pederasi and child sacrifice at the highest levels of government this just happened. No, this happened fairly recently Okay in the in the scope of the world's eye. It wasn't a wink. Yeah, you know

All right. Yeah, they got him. You got to check it out It's going on. Maybe I'll be manic again. I hope you fucking flip out for this. I'm going to go over there. You should go over there with a shovel and a fucking pocket full of sand. I'm just going to be more from Sin City. My Mets Yeah, some barbed wire. Show him the fucking flag of Chicago right upside the head. Hit him with one of these. These are my dogs. This one's for George Michael. I'm gonna suggest to you that A, you look into that and B, before

you join this like huge weight loss journey, like we should, stretching. Stretching is kind of like changed my whole thing. I enjoy stretching. I stretch. Good. You stretch around? This is why, that's why I go legless is I'm stretching. You're opening it up Yeah, I just thought you like to show them where the sausage was made to show you the world No, I'm stretching good. I'm literally stretching. Yeah, you're stretching on stage. You're stretching in bed Went short last night. That's new I'm all over the play Jay went long luckily Yeah, yin and yang I've gotten to AJ's head about how he went long one time at this very bad theater show in northern, Wisconsin

Oh, yeah, yeah where it's like that's the last place you wanted to go long here's up there shoveling shit But you think the wheelbarrows your mouth. That's what was going on It was tough. I tell you tough Yeah But he went long. AJ Grill, give him a little shout out and say, hey, quit going long. Let's use our platform to terrorize a friend of mine. Less is more.

Yeah. AJ, you went long. Guess what? You're dead. I'ma kill you. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you AJ. Sam T is watching. I'm gonna crush your lady friend. He's clock watching ya.

Yeah, did not want to go long last night. I am still surprised at the idea that I got lit at the proper time. Because everything was going normally and normally I think I'm right at like 25 so we'll see what happens tonight maybe I sing a little song sing a little song yourself a merry little Christmas there's no backup singing it's just me the nutcracker and frosty are having some tea how about Sam tea ladies and gentlemen I come out we do wet yeah I don't want you to shove you aside I face smush you and steal your solo you do my last five minutes it counts

towards my first five minutes. That'd be really fun if we brought the lights down and we had like one single spotlight and you're singing and then you notice they're just like, oh my God, this is beautiful. And then I Nathan room for one more in that sleigh ride. I'm pissed. Yeah, we haven't talked about it. Actually, we did talk about it and I said, don't come out. I'm just going to do this little thing. It'll be nice. It'll offset dying fetus. It's

to set you up to have a better set. And then you step all over it. You cut my, you have the Rami cut my mic. Mine comes down. Yours is up. I'm in the crowd on a table somehow. Everyone's like, they start clapping. Big Christmas turtleneck. Yeah, I have a hat that says Lund. I take it off, rip it in half, everyone loses it. Yeah!

You have a Santa hat on that says Samta. Samta Claus. I considered Sam-T, Samta for those over there. Samta. Yeah, nobody would get it. No one would care. Everybody's stupid. Everyone's dumb.

I drew one. I'll show the people at home. Yeah, please. You've been hard at work scribbling over there. I'm not scribbling. Oh yeah, you're gonna charge $40 for those. They're handmade! Look at this one. Look who Santa's lured little pink mouse. Oh, yeah, you're gonna charge $40 for those

It is often it's often quite pink it does look like a butthole it's perfect it's perfect It's poking out of the hair that covers his entire mouth area. Look at that. 3D. Samta. I could see myself paying $35 for that. I gotta charge 20 for these. Charge 20. I know, but I wanna charge 30 because I handmade them.

No, not 30. Why not? Because they look like shit. They do not look like shit. They look dumb as hell. They're cool, you framed this. It's a collector's item. Yeah, you don't wear it, that's for sure.

You could wear it too. Yeah, if you want to get made fun of. Oh, fantasy football players, whoever loses has to wear that on the first date to a family dinner. They look like an asshole. I don't think they're that bad. They're cute. They're an afterthought. Obviously you just want to sell larges and XLS and you don't have any left. Look at this one's cool man. I did a lot of work on this. It's different colors for the numbers the letters I mean it's funny it's doing the school project

the night before it's do you had three weeks to do it you want to say it's less than nothing now it's you know no it's great it's it's more than nothing that's for sure if somebody wanted a shirt they could get one it's technically a shirt it's me Santa Claus that you you drew a couple of Santas and they turned out right you didn't biff it at all I mean if you call this living it's not my best work no No, but it actually is. I can't draw. They're fun. Three colors. You act like the three colors is the same in printing as it is in just markers.

Hey, it's like four colors. Yeah, but you didn't have to print it. You just drew. I had these delivered here. We got woken up. Yeah, God, that sucked. By the phone call that you explicitly stated you didn't want or need. I ordered target delivery of all these shirts and some cool new markers.

And I called down last night and I said, Hey, I just ordered some stuff. And the lady went, okay. And I went, yeah, I just felt like when they get here, don't wake me up. No need to call. This is not a time sensitive matter. Yeah. Definitely want to sleep as long as I'd like. I work hard for the people, you know

Even when I'm in the hotel room I'm still churning out priceless works of art and I'm selling to people for less than they're gonna sell them for one day my shill kiss And the like yes and Yeah, so yeah, please Be easy for you to relay this to whoever comes in after you Maybe put a note on top of the laptop before you get off your swing shift. Yeah. Room five 19. No need to bother them when their stuff gets here.

But no go to bed, slip off into the only sweet relief that I get. Lay in there. I'm out. And then about, and this is going to, I'm so pissed when I say this about eight and a half hours later, we get a phone call. It's 10.30, almost 11. They say, hey, your stuff's here. And I said, no fucking shit. No fucking shit, you dingbat. That's crazy.

You fucking pattywhack, I got a bone for a dog to give you. Yeah, I know my shit's here. Did the night matron not give you a warning that I am not to be woken? I need my 11 hours sleep or I can't work for two hours that night. I can't dick around. I was cranky.

Oh, I didn't help. No, cause you were snoring. I don't hear you snoring. It sounds like a big cat who just ate half a gazelle and didn't share it with the rest of his friends. So it's like a big old puma who ate a whole cheese steak while his buddy was on stage, even though he knew they ate at the same time.

His buddy would probably be hungry. We ate the same amount. You ate a lot more than me. I tried to eat half as much, and you're like, argh. You ate the same amount. You ate a lot more than me. I tried to eat half as much and you're like, you lunged at me. Well, anyway, you ate dinner, I didn't and then I'm lying. You had every opportunity to tell me what you wanted, if anything, and you didn't say a goddamn word. You were on stage singing your Christmas song, not letting me do it. I said, I'm gonna have a Christmas song not gonna do wet said I'm gonna have the cheesesteak you said ha cheesesteak. All right. Well carry on

Well, you ordered AJ ordered it's like there's three of us on the show dinner more dinner pals I get it Okay. Yeah, fuck me. I guess Fuck me, right advocate for yourself. I couldn't I was busy focusing on what I was going to do up there because I knew that it was going to be not the easiest show because I did the warm-up the voice of God for AJ to nothing ladies and gentlemen nobody cares. I hear a guy adjust his tie. It's so quiet in there just hearing it makes it tighter. Comedy I guess. No you can do better than that Brookfield, Wisconsin. Let's make some noise I hear a guy push his glasses up on his nose All right, ladies and gentlemen remember we do not validate parking and I do the thing right cough. Yeah single cough

I know I hear a guy go. What the fuck am I gonna do? Hold on turn the lights up You don't validate why is the show in a parking garage then? Do we validate we don't we don't I'm sorry sir. I'm leaving. We're all leaving Come on. Come on everybody. Cheryl Thailand pulls a gun gun out out everyone out Thailand cover my rear Kaden cover my six I forgot about uh My made-up kid Thailand sure for Thailand all but there was a there was a stretch of time a few years back where I was

so annoyed with comedians with kids posting whatever dumb shit that they either said or that they made that the comic made up for them to say, you know, just the club, you know, Oh, my kid waddled up and was like, Oh, this again, or like another day at the office? Like just whatever. Ack! Yeah. My first, my daughter's first words were, Ack! My daughter's first words were, eye roll emoji. Yeah.

So yeah, I started poking fun at those types of posts on Facebook. And definitely the people I was making fun of knew that I was making fun of them. I know who you're making fun of right now. I know exactly. Oh neck brace. Yes and then as her kids got older they turned into like kind of scary posts about possible mattress side or school shooting. Nobody really knew for sure. Is he going to go to technical college or is he going to shoot up a gas station and then it was like, Oh, Thailand, Thailand's not so fun. What's he 16? It gets a little dark there in parenthood. So what you would post like, oh, Thailand had a big day at school again. You made up a child.

Yeah. Yeah. I just saw on Facebook memories I had had mentioned Thailand and I was like, oh yeah, that like two month period where I took the power back from these damn mom comedians and Papa comics. Papa don't preach and it's not I guess it's not comedians as much as it's like Twitter personalities or whatever you can get real big with posts tweets about your freaking kids I mean dude you right what you know they're're right there. They're

doing stuff all the time. They're constantly generating bullshit. Unpaid interns. They're generating content. Yeah. For. They're paid. For you to aggregate. You spend a lot of money on these damn kids. Yeah I got you karate and taekwondo lessons. Now you're talking about BJJ. Yeah. That's not free. It's not. Oh no, you can beat me up already. It's not a big deal. Do it. That's why I got the Katana. I didn't get it because I'm expressing interest in Japanese history. I might cut you in half. I'm your dad. I might chop you in half. You're going to Japan for a third time,

which officially makes you a weird white guy who loves Japanese culture. I like the obedience and the women being quiet and whatnot. Laugh it up, Lund. You'll be down there in turd town, sifting more nut out of your beard. Meanwhile, I'll be in Tokyo having a ball with my dad who thinks you're supposed to bow at everyone all the time, which is what I've reinforced.

He said, you're supposed to bow at the 7-Eleven, right? I said, of course, 100%. Not just to the guy giving you your stuff, anyone in there. They treat everybody like an emperor or empress these days, and so yes. Give respect, you get respect. That's the Japanese motto. Somebody gives you your soda without spilling anything you bow. You stand up and bow. Yes you might be seated on a pillow. Still rise. Bow. No I don't blame you for going back over there it's great. And we're gonna be, Sophie's gonna be there. She's never been. She has been. She was there for like 48 hours on one of her Malaysian pleasure cruises. Oh right. That was yeah a funny little addition to mostly...was it Malaysia she went to?

She's been to Malaysia, she's been to Australia. All I know is that when she goes over there it's for her spa. I should say the name of the spa but I want people showing up and hassling my sister. Yeah. Anyway, she was- Yeah, they're going to show up, talk about who's got them. I want a chick who's got them for my massage. A full, complete- Happy ending. I want a lady to rub my shoulders, but I want her to be in front of me while she does it. Can we set that up?

I want her to fake laugh at everything I say, and I'm gonna say stuff like, uh, more wide world. More wide world. Baco Reigns. Uh-huh. Lund. Yeah. Hahaha. This guy's showing up in Lund hats and my sister just fuckin' pulls the fire alarm.

No! We're closed. We're closed. We were never open. What? I don't exist. Hahaha. But yeah, she hangs out with literally Chinese billionaires. And like, she told me a story about how there was this like place where they made the best

fried chicken in Malaysia and she was there in the summer. So it was 120 degrees and they had a, they pulled up and they're like murdered out Escalade or Denali or whatever it was. And they had a guy whose job it was to stand in line to get the chicken. So there was just a dude with an umbrella standing in a parking lot to get this fried chicken as they like sat in a car listening to Aqua or whatever it was, you know, Barbie girl nonstop, but probably sped up Malaysian style. Yeah.

She just stays in the lap of luxury over there. Literally crazy rich Asians. Yeah. That's who she's with. Yeah. And she's just like they're like weird novelty who they bump around town with. And they're like, Oh who they bump around town with they're like, oh they you know They talk like traditional Chinese people I Can only imagine I I don't know what it sounds like but for intro your ass Yeah, my sister's just fucking throwing them and foam parties

Sister's whipping around Asian oligarchs. One in each hand just spinning around. They love it. And then like the Prince of Siam's clapping from his throne. Yeah, that's what she does over there. She's been to before but that's four days is nothing it's so less than nothing like my shirts that I made total crap two-day waste undershirt you bought a bunch of undershirts. These are fucking good fellow target brand. One hundred percent cotton ring spun. This is the good stuff.

All right. Don't shake it. Why? It's not dog food. You can't shake it. I shook it at you. Yeah. Well, look, I want people to have a memory from these shows. They're wrinkly as hell. Oh, maybe we steam them. I actually have to hit them with a fucking iron. There's no... maybe we could get an iron.

There better be an iron in here. Why did you wake me up so early if there's no iron today? You have to be sure. One of the t-shirt packages still has the anti-theft device, but it's not ink and it's not the old ones where you just, they were a bitch to get off. It looks like an alarm would sound. So please don't set off that alarm.

We would have no way to turn it off. No. Wait, this thing with alarm? There's a thing on it that makes it look like there's an alarm involved. So don't do it. What the fuck? What if I set the alarm off and I walk up

to the front desk and I go, hi. Good morning. My alarm is going off. I'd have to throw it into the street. Don don't I'm gonna rip it oh what if it's loud and annoying and people think it's a fire alarm we get in trouble I'm gonna get in trouble yeah I'm headlining the Brookfield improv we get yelled at everybody would be mad at you you're yeah yeah I don't want that no you don't be careful over there and tread lightly please I'm going to open it in the bathroom.

No. Yeah. What if it's an ink pack? It's not. There's a little thing on there that looks like it means that there's an alarm that would sound. I think the alarm's only triggered if you walk through. I don't know.

The guys stole the shirts. I ordered them from fucking, you know, T-Mu. So they probably stole one. What'd you do? Instacart or something? No, I did target delivery. Okay. It's an option if you have a target 360 subscription which my wife does. Yeah she's a dizzy bitch. She's a she's been fucking spinning around in there wearing good

fellow brand shirts. Oh yeah. Guy last night on stage was like I brought up my wife he went what? Jason Momoa front row with quirky Romano. He knew hey, I brought up my wife and he went Very good. Thank you. I Didn't know that. Oh, yeah God bless. God blessed your wife job bless So you're about to be oh, yeah, you don't forget that When you're in Japan with your family, it's bitch Christmas That's so funny.

Maybe you make a couple shirts for them. Bitch Christmas. Bitch Christmas. Ah, it'd be funny. Well, I'm not gonna make him one of these shirts because I care about him. I want him to wear it. Pig. We should get another Target delivery tonight.

Oh, I can get, I'm gonna get a bunch more shirts because these are all gonna sell. And you're gonna be sitting there going like this. He did it again. That crazy son of a bitch. Throw my long hat down. God damn it. Fair play to you, big cat.

You stunned him yet again. That slippery bastard got through the fucking Briar Patch unscathed. He's all cut up, but the thorns make him look like Christ himself. It's a crown he's wearing. This guy also talks through his teeth. It's such a classic movie. Oh, how we laugh. He truly is the King of Kings.

Who is that guy? Charlton Heston. Yeah. He'll take this gun from my cold dead hands. Well, we got the last laugh on that. Don't we Chuck? He's dead. We got that again.

What are you looking at? Now, what about this? Okay. We mentioned the improv being over in the suburbs, big old shop and mall. People are getting presents. The corners. Yeah. Yeah. People hustling and bustling to buy gifts for loved ones and when you're spending all your free time wrapping presents you don't have time to make a home-cooked meal. Oh god. Luckily, Factor can do that for you. But whatever

you do, don't accidentally wrap up a factor meal and gift wrapping. That's the greatest gift of all a healthy meal of the ready in minutes. If you don't want to give these away factor makes it easy. Save them for you to pretend like you give a shit about what you're eating. All right, you got a new girlfriend. You want to think that you're like an a plus chef because you lied to her at the club. you got to do get some factor scoop it out of its little buckets. It comes in buckets, right? Yeah, you get a bucket of factor you plop it out right there on the island the kitchen island You know that you paid a little more for it puts a nice apartment. You deserve an island you take one of those factor Food buckets. They don't even tell you what's in there

You get out your pry bar, you pop the top off that. A lot of oats. Yeah. Silage. And you fucking plop that thing out. What's that? Silage. What's that? Oh, silage is what goes in a silo. It's just kind of like an all sorts of grains and stuff. Grass, old hay. And then you can use it to feed animals with silage. Silage. I had no idea. Yeah. So you got a bucket of silage disguised as food you plop it on your island you bring her over you say hey You want to heat up dinner? And then you strip new and you roll around in it use your body heat to make stuff that you eat fact or Factor

You can make in just two minutes not to be not to be confused with fat core, which is our band's genre. Oh, hell yeah. Fat core. Fact or you just pop them in the microwave or skillet. Sure. Or bucket style like Sam said, if you have an island, if you have a proper island, roll around all around. Yeah. Sit on it. Sit on it. Potsy, however, sit on your dinner. It's going to be down there anyway. However you choose, you heat them up and you've got a chef prepared dietitian approved meal ready to go. And you're the chef and no one can take that away from you because you're the one

who put it in the microwave or boiled it. You're top of the toilet. You're Paul Perdom with 35 meals to choose from every week and over 60 add on items that's five meals a day. That's what you need. You need to get your macros. No one else is going to roll around in it. You don't take care about yourself. I'm to bulk up. Yeah. Bulk up. You get thirty five meals a week. Is that what you just said? Yes. What the fuck? That's so much food. Well, thirty five meals to choose from. That's thirty five buckets to an over sixty add on items you can add to choose from. That's 35 buckets too. And over 60 add-on items you can add to your box. They've got something for everyone. You can get as much silage as

you want. Oh yeah. It really fills it up. Dude my favorite meals are the ones that Factor sends to me and I eat. I love them. My dad eats them. They are they are really good. Yeah, they're it's nice even if you just do it now and then obviously they want you to subsist on factor only. Factor only diet. But if you're going through some shit if your brother just got sentenced to you know the maximum sentence allowed. Yeah because that bitch was lying but the judge liked her. That's a quote. If they found some other dead body and think that it's your ex

J from last night, J, if they if they get that fucking you know dash cam footage out of the out of the patrol car, you know shout out J, our police cop for yes Ah, yes. Yes. Look, fact or. We always know if somebody is a cop, if they are so clean shaven, but they're not a country guy. Right. Cause the country folks like to be real clean shaved. Yeah. They like to stay where the bib overalls, they smell like horse shit or whatever. You can tell that they shaved while standing in front of a very still pond yeah with just like a straight razor as a bird was landing on their head right sitting on a log yeah

yeah if they're not that mm-hmm cop yeah cop factor is a preview of the future let me let me read the last part factor can help you get through the darkest moments of your life I have to read this verbatim. Well the personal endorsement, yeah yeah after the personal endorsement. Factor is the future. You will eat the slop we send you and you will chew it up and turn it into a turd just like you. One day you will all live in cages but until then Factor will be your nutrients that allow you to become silage for the rich. They will roll around in you. You're the silage now.

Use promo code. Whether you're keto vegetarian trying to manage calorie intake or you want something quick that tastes awesome and you're tired of eating your own load, Factor has what you're looking for. You want something quick and awesome and tired of eating your own load. Fact or as what you're looking for, you want something quick and awesome and full of calories. You're brewing up batches daily head toe fact or meals dot com slash fifty chubby and use code fifty chubby to get fifty percent off your first box plus free shipping.

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It was great. It's nice to get a box of stuff Sometimes you don't give a shit what you are gonna put in. I always care I know and sometimes it is good to care sometimes It's good to not worry about it You don't always have to be a pleasure seeker but factor is like a nice you get some veggies in you whatever Why don't you eat an apple? I don't like them teeth of T. South. I like apples I have to start Megan's apples because she has fake front teeth So I have to start her apples isn't that cute? That's

adorable I have to peel Emily's oranges. Why? She doesn't like the feel. That's the best part. Peeling the orange? Yeah. No it's the sweet flesh underneath. But that's what you got to work for it. She just gets handed everything in her life. Is a doctor. Emmy has really small teeth So sometimes she has a tough time with pears Because her teeth are so little You've clocked them, right? it's not like they're grotesque like

Weirdly small. No, they're like nubs. They're on the small side of small. No, they're the big side of small Freakishly she wants to get like the near the near so maybe like John Elway Yeah, then every picture before she gets the veneers veneers gonna be like John Elway yeah and then every picture before she gets the veneers she's gonna be like like fucking me that's like the facelifts and stuff the facial surgery they can get they can be so bad you can really go too hard in the paint with the tooth size I don't want like like when you get giant fake tits that would be that would be a cool move no you gotta find like a nice you don't want like like when you get giant fake tits that would be that would be a cool move No, you gotta find like a nice

You don't want them just be like, ah, Jesus Christ With your teeth or your tits. It'd be so funny that we had huge teeth and huge tits Like huge fake tits and like big old chompers That's what you want, I mean she's your doctor Dr. Freak show doctor. That's what you want. I mean she's your doctor, the freak show, yes, like a Emily talent. You can call me tits just click. I'll be sounds like a horse. I'll be taking care of you sounds like a horse going down the

hallway. Sorry, I'm learning my teeth. I'm a tiny mouth, big teeth, my nipples out. I can't feel it. Anyway, what's your deal boss? I hear you're feeling kind of icky. Is that true? She's a pediatrician. Uh, I'm gonna just put these right here. You hungry? Where are we at time wise? We're good. Okay. Uh, hey, why don't you come see me in London? Never again. We're done. No, we're doing other stuff. Uh, hey, why don't you come see me in Lund? Never again. We're done. No, we're doing other stuff. Oh, next year. Next year. Next year is going to be huge. Hawaii, January 11th in Honolulu, Des Moines, not me in Hawaii. Rosemont in Chicago. First time in Rosemont. Yep. Uh, for good thing club on state. Yeah.

Madison, Vancouver. We're coming up to Vancouver, making up those dates. If one can get in. Coover Carol. And now we're going to watch Evan almighty in peace, just like God intended. But you know what you should do? No, you should do out there instead of polishing your little nub down to the size of my wife's teeth or to the side of my wife's teeth even worse if you're that Jason Lamoa guy.

Join our Patreon. Join the Patre- Why don't you join the Patreon? Four years worth of episodes. I'm gonna be doing Jason Statham voice the whole time. I think I heard Soder doing Statham voice recently. I'm Dan Soder doing Statham voice. I love that. He does Michael Strahan. I'm Dan Soder doing Statham voice Mmm, he does Michael Strayhand. I love the Miami Dolphins. Soder does a good Strayhand

Not Straytham You hear bits like that Kelly and Michael in the morning. Yeah, I do a killer Kelly. He's riff-stomping Kelly Ripper Kelly Ripper the face sipper. The face sitter. Regis up in your pussy. Getting wet. Patreon.com slash Shelby behemoth. Join it up. Becca needs the money. Do it. He either needs a new head or a new body.

He's been living off factor meals. No factor makes you strong. Factor made him too strong and he ate his own penis. This next the guy that the guy who just went up before me he's so fat and stupid he ate his own penis. Oh come on. Can you believe that? Don't do that.

I'm doing it tonight. Come on. I'm doing it on stage tonight. I'm gonna go out as Jason Statham. The first thing I'm gonna say is, that last guy's so fat and stupid, he ate his own penis. He thought it was a penne pasta. He made his own sauce white and red.

Oh, okay. Bye.