Chubby Behemoth - Emily‘s Birthday

Episode Date: August 31, 2021

Whipping Fruits. Dangerous Artifact. I'm Not Here To Read The News!   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

There he is. Here we go. Hey, Lund. So is this a free one from last week? This is the free one, yeah. Oh, God. And then we'll do a Patreon on Thursday with Moppen and Bori. I'm going down to Bori's house so we can get some other

opinions on the behavior of the party. So we should have them right before we have them? Are you an idiot? You a fucking moron? Yeah, I'm pretty dumb, brother. I think that you,

more than anyone, can extrapolate on how dumb I may be. Before we get into it, I just want to make a big mea culpa to anyone I may have hurt at Emily's birthday party. Oh, God, you're still making it about you. Those, the actions of one Sam Talent were not really my actions. They were the actions of the cowboy hat that possessed me. And I cannot be held culpable for what the hat did. The hat was wearing me. I was not wearing the hat. You just said me a culpa. And now it's the hats me a culpa. You're putting it all on the

hat. Well, the hat is busy. The hat got locked up. You took responsibility for four seconds before dumping it onto a magical hat that's possessed by an evil demon or some shit. It's possessed by an old cowboy. Some say it's Wild Bill Hickok. Some say it's Billy the Kid. But either way, there's blood on its brim. Billy the Boy. Yeah, yep.

Billy the Kid and then Bill Hickok also went by billy the man which was confusing yeah when he grew up uh yeah what did you do he so i missed a large chunk of the party i went went down to Denver from Fort Collins to hang out with his real best friend, Billy Wayne Davis. Oh, yeah. Take it personally, for sure. I was trying to be all things to all people, so I went up to Denver

Friday. You were everything to everyone. You were that Everclear song. I'm the man. I went up to fort collins friday night and then saturday helped emily and sam get their house ready for the party massive help very helpful i took initiative swept the back patio which i'll bet some i'll bet some lesser brain folks thought what a fool's errand what a what a waste of time and energy that is that is my thought process was it you oh i thought you were i thought you were one of the people who

know no i was glad you did it but it's something i never ever would have fathomed to sweep the outside that's where dirt lives you went to dirt's house and you said hey get out of here dirt yeah no it feels like you're an insane person you're just like yeah i'm just gonna sweep the dirt for a while you know it's like leave him be don't take don't take the broom from him and i'll have a freak out he's centering himself before the big night he'll start breaking windows yeah you had a thousand yard stare and you were sweeping and whistling and And I was like, all right, this benefits me somehow, I guess. No, so we can eat hot dogs off the ground and not feel bad about it.

My main. Yeah, that's that was that. That was that's the that's why you sweep the patio is that the five second rule turns into an eight second rule. Right now, if I drop a burger, I don't have to lie and say it's just overcooked. It was perfect. No. So my main fear was that emily's cousin katarina would would make fun of me because she's 24 and she you know doesn't wouldn't have understood

uh i don't think yeah the blood's not in her brain well and so my i was ready to hit her with something mean like well you know because because it isn't done in four seconds you probably think it's not worth it but if you put the time in it's gonna look a lot nicer yeah because you've never seen a tiktok about this you probably think it's a waste of time but right since since drake never wrote a song about sweeping the back patio you're gonna think it's stupid as hell it's so funny that you were coming up with potential rebuttals to a 24 year old i was gonna get her ass but she she uh she saw that thousand yard stare she's like leave him alone oh yeah emily went to bed and took a nap so katarina tried to step up and be the alpha woman and i was not listening to her

it was a lot of like yeah emily says you should get mulch and i was like and then just walk away no response just. Just a cold stare over the shoulder. Oh, did she, bitch? I don't remember tying the knot with you and Evergreen on June 16th or whenever it was. June 18th, 2016. Hey, Emily's asleep. Why don't you give the fellas a show, Kat? Come on. They're working hard

out there. Let's do it for the boys. After a long, long day of sweeping. But anyway, so I, well, and also it was funny that you, here's you showing your ass. When we were trying to figure out who was going to do what, Sam was like, well, Katarina and me and Danny and you should go to Costco and the liquor store and emily's gonna run some errands on her own and i was like how about i go with emily and help her

and you were like that doesn't make sense it should be four of us doing one thing one very simple task and then the birth laundry list and then and then the birth well no the main the main thing that the main thing that happened was uh you know she wanted that base for a big umbrella she's got a big enough base if you know, she wanted that base for a big umbrella. She's got a big enough base, if you know what I mean. She was dropping that donkey at her party. She was swinging it around. Yeah, she was like, put a saddle on me.

Ride me through the desert. This horse has a name. And it's damn. Yeah, it's blah, blah, blah. So, yeah, no, it made sense for me to go with her for that in particular but also because you guys can move yeah that's right yep that's a birthday i've been putting i've been putting the work in yeah i mean whenever she came to a stoplight you would put your hand across her chest and the passengers whoa watch out there was there's a dog stop oh god i'm gonna say something awful no i'm not do it no i was well i i was not going to say

time to reap what i've sown but anyway i i uh but it's so awful. Let's move on. Shut up. Well, these people are monsters. They love when you are bad. They're used to me being the naughty one. They want Sid to come out and bite the hand that needs. So anyway, it worked out well because you guys had a bunch of running around to do. Emily and I did a couple things and got home and then put those lights up on the outside of the shed. I did a couple things and got home and then put those lights up on the outside of the shed, shed cum tiki lounge and help that transformation. But yeah, and then I got to sweeping and then had to leave open for Billy Wayne.

I come back at like eleven thirty and you are kind of OK. You're you're not full tarred, but you are getting there and you're like like shuffling around or whatever and then the one-man zombie crawl right yeah you were like the name of the doctor you were that emily is the name of the doctor and then you're her monster yeah you're emily's monster uh but yeah pretty quickly the lights went out and you went full like mentard and you were just like that was the night the lights went out in georgia they shot all dixie down for sure you got you got to the point of like super fucked up i think emily said dead-eyed right i woke up the next morning and i was like hey how was your party and she's like i don't like when you get that drunk you get really dead-eyed that was the first thing she said to me the day after her birthday

was chastising me for not having any light or love behind my eyes well those are the those are the selling points of the cmt experience is the light and the love eyes well those are the those are the selling points of the samt experience is the light and the love and if those are gone it's not a lot to love it's just a shambling ape taking people's well and putting them on my butt well and what was all what was even dumber was that instead of just you know the next day i'm like oh you were kind of an you were kind of a dick instead of being like oh yeah them's the breaks you just like spiraled you said you were spiraling you didn't say you were kind of a jerk you said i was a total ass and i sucked oh i did say you sucked yeah for an hour and a half and then you

went to bed and then the next day you can you know you were back to normal yeah you temporarily weren't the best and it just like hurts you it's like oh god i don't remember not being the best i remember nailing it i remember you showed up you had a fresh pack of cigs we were like uh-oh lun's here everyone do the macarena and then uh then i had lost like an hour and a half of time every time i wear that fucking cowboy hat i black out it sucks it's two for two cowboy hat rendezvous where i just lose an hour and a half of time at the end of the night do you normally not black out i never black out but since i'm not on keto anymore there's no sugar keeping the lights on so i'm just pounding liquor like i drank

like seven kinds of liquor that night you know i'm shotgunning them showing people what a man looks like you made a long island in your mouth you're just like pour it in everybody yeah i remember i had my shirt i was wearing a western snap shirt with nothing underneath so my chest hair was flaring and i just was feeling really alpha you know it was my wife's birthday surrounded by all of my you know servants and underlings yeah not wearing any underwear the tip of my dickhead is pressed really hard against my short shorts i'm telling noah to flick it hey noah be the squirrel winter's coming you know it was i was doing a lot of wild stuff yeah well yeah

which so i missed the fun because i had to leave at three the party was at like four or five and so i missed like the beginning nice part of the party when i got there at 11 30 it was definitely full swing and some people were more swung than others oh yeah you just walked into thunderdome yeah and and it's always tough uh to show up to a party late being sober because there's no catching up i used to very quickly catch up you know and just be like hey i'll be there in a second you know and then just and then i'm fucked up to showing everybody my my my penis hole like, hey, look, I can make it talk. But yeah, to just show up sober. Your puppetry of the penis is here.

Your your dick mouth is so big that it looks like Kermit's face. Hey, Macarena. So, yeah, but it was it was fun. You were just like definitely next level because you started just doing the dumb it like everybody sucked you just be like uh you suck you're gay and then uh he did not you did you called you called your own dog gay several times yeah but he is that's like well it's the gordy's are homosexual you threw him into you threw him at a cornhole board and luckily he went right in or else he was a swish he could have been hurt very badly yeah you said no you didn't do that

what was i doing that was upsetting you so much so the main the main thing was uh your uh emily's sister like a fucking genius angel had Buffalo wild wings delivered at like one in the morning. I remember. So out of nowhere, there's just bags of chicken. You know, there was no like,

Oh, let's get food. What should we get? You know, 45 minutes later, maybe we get like a sandwich for 20 people. No, all of a sudden there's just a bunch of chicken there.

It was like, what the fuck? You know? So it was crazy. Great move, Hannah. Yeah. It was like, it was like what the fuck you know so it's crazy great move hannah yeah it was christlike it was apparently apparently sometimes mommy brain means you have just fits of inspiration

and an insight i wish you were to send some milk it's not all just it's not all just for getting your baby in a hot car oh no mommy brain strikes again it's not all just drinking wine out of a water bottle no it's good stuff too so the chicken shows up everybody just starts you know just pigs at the trough and i said a couple boxes were swallowed it was not that's right i said i said um you know being the fucking sober one worried that somebody's gonna you, blow it and like light the house on fire. I'm just like, oh, shit. My first thought. And I had to have a joke about it in Denver.

I had to make sure little George Michael didn't swallow a chicken wing bone because motherfuckers leave them everywhere on the streets of downtown Denver. And it was just this constant annoyance. So my first. It's like Johnny Chicken Wings trying to grow trees it's crazy colfax is littered with fucking 7-eleven chicken bones yeah every yeah every few steps there's a garbage can that's been ignored and then and then a pile of six chicken wing bones so yeah it's like hey fool me once shame on you you know fool me twice i had a chicken bone i can't trust it right so i said to everyone hey be be sure to throw the chicken wing bones away so that gordy

doesn't get a hold of one you respond with something like all right idiot all right virgin and you throw a chicken wing bone onto the roof of the tiki bar you that was your bad boy response to uh any authority just to try and kill my own dog well technically you can't tell me what to do technically gordy would never get that one if it landed up there but my fear was that you were gonna you know throw it too hard it would go land in the yard and then you know the next morning we have to the first thing we have to do before we go to brunch is bury your dog yeah very gordy good wrestling is play taps that's right very gordy great clothesline um so yeah you were like oh yeah i don't i don't listen to what my best friend tells me yeah when my brain doesn't work well also i'm just a pair of shorts being worn by a monster so there was that and then

also you were you fixated on the bowl of fruit that was in the tiki bar that was supposed to be for drinks you know my rules everybody was just like pounding tequila straight i guess because there's like no fruit being cut up for drinks yeah like four mai tais were made and then it was just slapped the bag with a bottle of 151 so yeah there's like a bunch of fruit and all of a sudden you're obsessed with like chucking the fruit at people and i'm like somebody's gonna take a grapefruit to the face and it's gonna it's gonna record scratch and they're gonna be it would have been funny if you would have whacked a comic in the head with a grapefruit because they would have been mad but they wouldn't have been able to do anything about it because you're the best and big and drunk so like they'd want to fight you and they'd be like

oh it was sam that threw that huh oh okay cool well good one sam t you're the best that's the new thing sam's doing that's cool maybe i should do it i should do it and pretend like i invented it like leaning into the microphone stand and saying team way to go just take it yeah uh yeah it wasn't that fruit around was bad well it was just annoying because you know it it should have it ended up okay but worst case scenario you break a window it rolls somewhere weird and rots i don't know there's just all these i mean you were living It should have. It ended up OK. But worst case scenario, you break a window. It rolls somewhere weird and rots. I don't know. There's just all these. I mean, you were living footloose and fancy free, you know, fancy feast. Excuse me. You smelled like cat food and your breath stunk because it got up. But, you know, I just again, I'm sober. I'm the opposite of fun at a party.

I'm just like logically thinking of what might happen so i was like meanwhile i'm what might happen yeah well you were like you're like everything's fine doesn't matter who cares you literally were saying who cares a bunch which was funny you weren't quoting i think you should leave you were just saying it like nothing matters i'm already dead this is all bullshit i'm on borrowed time this sucks so yeah not a big deal because again the next day i just try to let you know hey you were fucking a handful and you're like well no of course first you know you're as your lawyer has told you deny deny

deny so you're like no i wasn't i was the i was i was the greatest of all time and i was like yeah you were the goat you were trying to eat a bunch of cans and you you cut your mouth open but yeah you kept wanting to bring it up it's like move on you're like creasy where you can't let it go it's like let's stop analyzing four seconds of our time together it was fine i mean you made it sound like you made it sound like i was bullying you and i felt bad about it it wasn't a big deal come on you think i don't remember being drunk and acting like a dick to my most loved friends that's what i did too sometimes and well you were like yeah sam you kept being

like you're gay you suck lun lun sucks and it's like that sounds like a fun thing you would say to your buddy and you're like it was not fun i was like well there wasn't there oh it wasn't supposed to be brutal because i wasn't stewing i wasn't i was just letting you know you were stern but not fair and then we were going i was going to move on because i wasn't pissed or anything it was just like oh yeah that that'll happen not it was not an issue that needed to be resolved uh gone over with a with a fine-tooth comb instead i was in full-scale mental freakout i was like oh fuck and then we just sat in my living room for the next hour and people told me dumb shit i did the night before so it was like lun's like oh you're a bad person i don't like you

uh yeah that's what i said it's over it's over yeah it's the message sometimes it's not the messenger no more pod yeah you're like we're done man i'm sam now chubby behemoth and then you turned over then you turned over your left shoulder like you were driving a car crazy and i was like he's me emily sat on your lap yeah i pushed your face and then kissed emily deeply and she loved it yeah you have a matching tattoo with danny maupin i'm like oh no lund hath become sam so yeah then we just sat here in my living room uh and everyone was like oh yeah you uh kept trying to head push noah last night um we did bully him for wearing a jersey with no

shirt underneath that was good no no i had that great bit he was sleeveless and he kept uh flexing he would just be standing there and all of a sudden he would flex i made him shotgun a bunch of white claws he couldn't he couldn't do it yeah he couldn't do it because he's a fucking infant he started drowning and in beverage yeah on land we had to throw him a pool noodle like no swim towards the light yeah noah looked cool uh i guess i went up to poor helix jance the cox partner uh and helix is you know the most incapable of helping me uh helix is maybe one hundred and ten pounds, you know, pale white skin like a unicorn's horn, possibly a ghost, possibly a ghost.

Yeah, the victim of a mill fire in 1910. Who knows? I went up to Helix and I was like, so fucking drunk. I don't know what to do. And Helix was like, well, and then I just picked up a white claw and shotgunned it. And they were like, ah. Helix calls 911.

Yeah. My friend just said that he was very drunk and then he drank more what do i do he said he doesn't know what to do she said i said it like plaintive like an earnest plea he's freaking out yeah and that was that was not a good thing to do helix yeah i don't know i guess i kept uh you also emily said ah you're so drunk you don't drink anymore sam don't drink don't drink anymore you're so drunk. Don't drink anymore, Sam. Don't drink. Don't drink anymore. You're you're fine. And you're like, oh, yeah. And then you grabbed a white claw like two seconds later. Oh, bad boy talent.

Yeah. Emily, I guess for the last 45 minutes I was awake, it was pretty much like she had a problematic dog because it was a lot of like, no, no. Put that that, Sam. That's not you. That's that's a that's a chicken tender it's not a wing you can't have that spit it out your keto and i spit a chewed up chicken tender into her open palm oh yeah that was the gift i gave my wife at 1 30 a.m that was masticated chicken flesh into her palm oh yeah the other thing too you there was some restraint because there were a few times where

you'd grab some cheetos and then act like you were gonna crush them into someone's hair but i don't think you actually i don't think you actually did it and i was like all right the real sam is somewhere in there trying to fight the good fight it's like poltergeist when the girl's trying to escape the tv yeah uh it was crazy too because this was right in the midst of chucking chicken wing bones on top of the roof which i think you only did twice but then the fruits whipping fruits i was like this is gonna be bad you know like you're gonna take out part of a fence and then the neighbors are gonna to wake up. But yeah, a little bit of restraint out of nowhere.

I don't think you crushed any Cheetos into Noah's hair or. You couldn't tell he's a redheaded freak already. Right. It would have blended in. It would have just looked like his regular dandruff. But I was doing the thing where I would chew up a Cheeto and then spit it on the ground. Cause if you don't swallow it,

you're not breaking keto. So there was just like outside there's little oil spills everywhere of me with chewed up Cheetos on the ground. What do you mean if you don't swallow, it doesn't count. You still get it. No, no. So you chew it up and you spit it out. It's pretty cool move. This is a very why no fucking theory.

Yeah, it's bad it's like having an eating disorder in front of all your friends and trying to pass it off like it's a brand new dance hey everyone look what i'm doing a handful of tortilla chips spit them out come on do your do your trick yeah but your saliva is already chemically breaking it down so you're you broke keto no no no so here's the thing becker shut up exhibit a suck it exhibit b eat it swallow yeah you swallow i spit that's our thing

so so i was i was doing that a lot uh and then i me and danny i taught danny how to feed gordy which is you just chew up a hot dog and then spit it on the ground and then gordy eats it because he can't well he doesn't have teeth that's the way i do that for him yeah but it's still weird and gross disgusting of course it's gross but it's also me loving him emily stumbled upon this dark ritual and she was like what the fuck are you doing and i was like i do this all the time she was like what i was like yeah i chew up turkey and spit it on the floor of the kitchen he loves it she was like god damn it dude i bought 10 bottles of liquor, 10 handles. I think five of them were killed and two of them were severely dented. Yeah, so I looked at them to see like an archaeologist.

I wanted to see the habits of this group. And it was the Tanqueray was untouched, the Jameson untouched. But then like tequila got bombed. The cognac was gone gone was like almost completely gone yeah sophie got loose on the deuce i specifically told everyone to hide it from sophie and david and then i get in there and there's the angels kiss left they had two big they had two crazy straws directly into the bottle yeah they were right david david passed out at like 11 40 i was there for like 10

minutes i was like david love to see you buddies all my favorite people and then like six seconds later he's just snoring on the couch fell asleep sitting up yeah yeah that was he was the first one down i believe must have been yeah oh yeah he was tanked and he stayed asleep while the part i mean the party for the most part stayed outside but the very last like hour was inside with like 10 people and he just fucking stayed stayed passed out yeah we were sitting next to him as i was doing impressions of danny moppin danny moppin's girlfriend and jake the snake roberts which somehow i pulled off even though my brain was on vacation there was still crushing multiple voice riffs that's next level that was yeah so that was the bright spot uh at the end of the

night from you was all of a sudden you were doing you were doing a conversation with like three people and doing good impressions of all of them yeah so yeah there was a redemption song and a swan song before Danny was like come on Sam yeah come on buddy come on to the stairs and he slapped my ass up the stairs and I went to bed and fell asleep with all my clothes on classic move Emily hid the cowboy hat she blames someone found the hat hidden in the tiki bar behind the curtains and it's like oh yeah that's where it must stay it is a that's hilarious yeah it is a dangerous artifact the hawaiian cowboy he can only come out uh every couple of years i mean i was smoking weed becker i was ripping bags jansen cock was here just loading bags for eight hours, volcano style. Jancicok gave me half an Adderall because I guess someone asked if anyone had any cocaine. And I don't know why it was me, but it was. I don't remember. It was like me, Helix, Jancicok, and David in the tiki bar. And I was like, anyone got any white? And Helix and Jancicok have both been sober for like 15 years and they were like uh no but I have an Adderall

and I was like give me you little freak bitch get over here you curly headed Rocky Dennis mutant come on give me that so he gave me a half an Adderall and David half an Adderall then David fell asleep a half hour later yeah what the fuck

David did meth salts and then went to sleep fell right to bed. I think that's why I was able to do that classic three-man play that I did. Danny submitted it to Edinburgh for next year. Yeah, it was good. I'm Danny Muff. Hey. I know you're a Danny

I know what you done did I'm Danny's girlfriend you know Danny's girlfriend Becker okay somebody texted me who it is in the chat so I don't feel like I don't know nothing yeah yeah I will right now but uh

here let me see if you can guess and if it makes sense hello jake how are you we all know her she's great she's one of our best friends yeah that is a good impression i wouldn't have placed it because it's just it's more like you're matching the elocution than the perfect tone but yeah hey danny fuck my pussy danny smooch your little baby all right come out mama didn't come to read the news oh yes danny pound it

i'm a girl that feels good Oh, yes, Danny. Pound it. I'm a girl and that feels good. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. So, then Jake the Snake's in the corner just like, God damn it. It reminds me of my daddy and my sister oh yeah oh yes

so fucking good and it's good right now oh yes more deeper so yeah Danny was a wild card somehow he didn't die even though he oh yeah danny oh you know when when i left sunday there was like a sliver you were like oh you know because we were going to

try to record we we talked about recording all weekend uh listeners we thought about you the whole time but there wasn't a great time we could have recorded so we didn't and then sam was like oh maybe i'll try to get one while you drive home because danny and david were there but they were four hours back to trinidad at like eight o'clock they were both drunk so they danny didn't realize i left oh yeah david forgot uh you know which hole you talk out of so it would have been yeah he kept putting a cigarette in his butt and being like it would have been bad danny oh it would have been so bad dude dude you you left and then yeah they were you here when they played kokomo for him and he danced with emily no they two-stepped well it was like beautiful and we were like clapping and we're like oh this

is great and then two minutes later after he sat down he's like why haven't we played kokomo yet god damn it put on my song put on my song i want to sing my song and it was like dude you just dance with my wife for like three minutes yeah so there was that fell asleep outside put a tarp put a tarp over his ass dude no he in a fucking cage before before uh before i left that uh amnesia thing started because i remember him saying the same thing like three oh he he thought your phone was playing music and he accused you like i yelled at you like four times in a in a three minute span to to play kokomo right and i was busy i was googling how much does a pontoon boat cost because i was ready yeah to pull the trigger that was fucking fun that was uh listeners here's why we didn't get one done we were like let's do one after the party that we thought would be the most

fun to recap the party this is the emily's birthday episode that's the name of the episode that's why you're listening to it one did come he rules we're best friends still despite the fact that he gaslit me and like took advantage of me when i was drunk and made me feel bad oh it wasn't the cowboy hat it was me i'm the cowboy hat yeah and i'm the martyr i'm the victim i'm the pale rider and i've come to sow seeds of destruction and mistrust but yeah the next day we woke up uh we were like trying to figure out breakfast we went to one place i had i had a panic attack the whole time we rolled in 12 deep to a brunch spot in fort Collins on Sunday and I was the one they sent in. We pushed you in.

Go do it, you fucking mess. You pants me and push me in. You have to waddle in? With your pants around your ankle? We can kick you in your bare ass. Get in there, bitch. my little hungover dehydrated dick is leading the way the worst dick there is besides doctor's office hog scared having that hey uh i know this i went up to the guy and i was like look i know this is insane and i don't want to be in here right now but can you accommodate 12 and he was like what and i was like yeah you got room for 12

anywhere and he's like uh man i can we can text you but we close at 2 30 you're not going to get a table for a half hour then you're gonna have to eat it and leave and i was like i don't here's my phone number like i tipped him 10 bucks ahead of time. And then we didn't even get a table. What? I didn't know that. I gave him a 10. I was like, I'm sorry to even make this insane request.

I know what I'm doing. Here's $10. And then we didn't get a table. So I just gave him 10 bucks to like, you know, not call me a fucking fat retard. To my face. I gave him 10 bucks. Yeah. To be his friend. Right. I gave him 10 bucks so he wouldn't pull the fire extinguisher on me and as i waddle out the door with my pants on backwards somehow

yeah so that was brutal and then i went to chili's yeah that oh man that was so stupid but i but actually it made it made the most sense because 12 dopes celebrating a birthday should go to chile's every time you shouldn't go weirdest crew too dude it's me and you a blind sorry that's why i was saying it was a weird girl oh i know a black guy a blind woman we have a four foot eight 300 pound blind woman who reeks like weed bory and mopping or you know master blastering their way in the door katarina's pushing them up emily you know she had one out uh sophie and meller holding hands and then to cap it all off jance a cock and helix who the dodecatron they're they're genderless and sexless

headless yeah so yeah we walk in as the weirdest crew we're a fucking buzzsaw dude when we walk anywhere they ring the alarm they're like this is what we've been training for yeah even chili's i think was a little scared and they've seen they've seen it all oh yeah a man with a lisp told my wife she couldn't have a table yet and she was like i hate men with lisps and we had to walk out and the whole time figure out your mouth bitch yeah use your tongue fat mouth but the whole time i'm just like in my head like fucking lun dates me yeah did i shove eileen last night

she's blind am i blind am i dead am i alive is this an illusion i was fucking mental in my head oh that's so stupid you said that you were spiraling and i was like god i believe it yeah i was that was the closest i've come to the edge just hung over and then i had a gun in my pocket the whole time we were at chili's hammer you're like all right nine bullets but i've got 12 people here what do i do in my pocket the whole time we were at Chili's. I just kept cocking the hammer. You're like, alright, nine bullets, but I've got 12 people here. What do I do? Well, I want to wait for the appetizers

to clear. And then you made fun of me for ordering the Chili's trio incorrectly. And I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Triple dipper? The triple dipper. Someone had to step up and order the triple dipper david was like let's get a couple triple dippers for that table i'm like cool move yeah of course then when it times comes time to order someone has to be the champion so i of course becker what

was the order first thing first southwest egg rolls bingo of course yes yeah everyone's favorite you gotta have them yes next thing oh remember there's some keto people at the table okay so did you go with uh wings yes we did very good yeah all right and then uh artichoke dip no artichoke dip that's a fan favorite i think someone stepped up and said get chicken tenders and i was like she was like what flavor and i was like uh and lem was like mango habanero fat yeah that's the flavor that's the move well yeah i just thought it was funny because sam ordered two of the same thing and it was like okay there's nine options we could have mixed it up it didn't matter though it was it was fine everything didn't matter because people didn't chew what was on the table everything was fine

eileen put her hands in the salsa everything worked out okay and then i made fun of her i was like i've seen you freaks eat nachos. It sucks. Go eat in the bathroom, sweet G. Yeah. She thinks she's in the bathroom. She just dumps. She's in the kitchen. Oh, yeah. And I kept doing this fun dance move where I would slap my butt and move a foot forward and it blew

Eileen's blind mind. Like all morning she was talking about it. I'd slap my ass with both hands to the beat and like thrust forward. I thought it was her thing because she was talking about it so much. No, I did. She was like I don't know how you did that, Sam. No, that's not Eileen. That's Danny.

Hey, Vato, I don't know how you do that, man. Jesus Christ. I don't know how you move in that crazy move, man. man but yeah she tried to figure it out so then we just have like an obese blind woman slapping her ass it's like i just woke up and you're trying to recreate this dance move you've been thinking about all night it was uh bizarre behavior did she see it no she's blind that's the only thing how does she know about the dance move because she heard me slapping my ass and the fact that every time i

would slap i would be progressively further and farther away and she couldn't figure out how i was slapping and moving so we had to like show her and she was slapping her ass with the back of her hands and like trying to do it on the patio and she kept walking into the ping pong table me and danny are laughing at her and telling her no that's good you're doing it eileen uh she was she was funny on the boat because she got in the water hold on hold on okay we get before we get to that remember what you told us when we were me you helix and jansacock were driving back from chile's about that used car dealership i do uh i forgot so i mean i've thought about it earlier but yeah mid mid pod there was a lot going on we had a lot of fun time so we sure what was said about this dealership it was well we we went by

a car dealership and it instantly reminded me, oh, hey, I did a commercial, a couple commercials for those people and one of the women, I could smell her vagina because it reeked. Because it sucked. It was bad.

And so there was yeah, I mean mean smells tied to memory uh so yeah i was like right back there and i was like oh god uh it was so hilarious too because it was just like so completely obvious what was going on and she thinks she's like getting away with it because nobody's saying anything and it's yeah, we can't say shit. You're the owner's daughter. Yeah, we're trying to fucking get paid. Me and the actress that had to portray my girlfriend, wife, you know, we were a couple.

We're just like looking at each other like, what the fuck? Jesus. Wow, this is a nice mitsubishi oh fuck can we can we get it 30. when's lunch she needs a fucking get a sink somewhere and one's like okay so it's helix and janskak in the back who are the most like you know quiet of this fucking ragtag bunch of paratroopers and one says oh yeah that's markley motors i did a commercial for that place man let me tell you we were in the car shooting the commercial and this lady's pussy

it was such a stinky pussy he kept saying stinky pussy i'm dying laughing looking in the rear view helix and jansacock who are both also laughing very hard and it's like this is a fun memory and and then we progressed and we said oh dude remember i do it got even crazier i almost crashed the car like three times helen almost killed me like various times on this car ride back from chile's to the house we were talking about like centaurs and minotaurs i was like yeah you'd be like a minotaur you'd be like all cool and tough and then one was like yeah and you'd be up i busted up my own ass yeah because. Because I pictured what Sam would be.

And I couldn't say it. And Sam got it first. He's like, I'd be a pig. And I was like, yep. And that was what it was. Half man, half pig. You wake up and you just pop my giant torso on a pig body. Yeah.

Not even like a big old impressive-sized pig. Just normal, kind of small. Tiny four legs. I can't figure out how to use a toilet. Yeah, so then he just has to break the news to Emily.

When you get home, don't be scared. Don't freak out. But the bottom half of my body is now a little pig body. I'm like, don't worry. Just come home. We have to talk. She opens the door. I'm standing there.

She looks over. She looks down. It's me with a pig body. And I'm like, first of all, I know. Second of all, I don't know how to use the toilet. Can you help me the fact that that's what's most upsetting to the half man half pig when he wakes up from the curse to find the od as a pork bottom how am I going to use the toilet well and I also the best part of the best thing to me was the visual of like we both get this curse

but i'm this like stunning huge like intimidating awesome half bull half person you're a little big just a little big big person right next to me just furious and ashamed that you have to be so much smaller than me as we're fighting like a skeleton army or something whatever weird fantasy world this existed god damn yeah you said you almost passed out while you were driving yeah i was like take the wheel that kind of laughing is the best you think you're gonna fucking lose it felix ended up drawing it i'll get it for the oh shit it was really good put it on the chub i will put it on the chub but then after we went to chile's we came home we got dressed and we went on a pontoon boat for three hours

and that was fun oh yeah also in the crew was creasy so you know doesn't get much weirder when creasy's in the mix yeah i have said on the pod i appreciate his uh his total lack of like bravado like you know how so many comics so many people are like very fake very much just like just give you the best version of themselves and it's a lie and i don't like any of that it's what it's one of the worst things about trying to do stand-up is like encountering all of these like fake ass lot just you know liars just like oh yeah and you know they're every post they're like oh god i can't believe how you know and then it's always i'm ready to headline it's always like kind of sad but also like completely predictable if they just drop off the face of the earth or like blow their

own head off because it's like yeah you were up you were lying to everyone including yourself and yeah maybe you would have been better if you could have just like shown a little humanity or a little weakness well i've told creasy that i appreciate his lack of that but sometimes uh he'll just go full creasy and you get the whole rigamarole yeah and before you got there we had him making my ties we had him grilling put him to work yeah so he couldn't spaz and flip out and be like everyone hates me um yeah he nailed it creasy looked cool i might have been the most prime creasy form that we had uh and then on the boat he got on the tube with miles and was rocking the tube well that was pretty funny because he was creasing it up yeah he was having total panic attack on the

tube as we're all like yeah rip him dump him try and drown him he was telling he was telling miles to to signal that they needed to stop and uh i know i saw it and said keep going yeah crank it to the captain he says go faster and more erratic he loves it yeah he said he's saying it's like hurt me hurt me mommy yeah we got on that boat and it's like of course again the weirdest crew you know eileen pissed off the back and like lost her pants so when we get off the boat eileen's pussy's exposed you saw it i saw it oh hey you know what i didn't see is emily's pussy because i'm a good friend i'm the best of friends oh yeah you didn't pick up the ladder we were hanging lights we were hanging those lights yeah and she got up on a ladder

and i had to hold it and before she said anything i thought to myself you can't look up you're not you you cannot she's wearing a dress and i didn't and then she said something she said something and i was like you know what i haven't and I won't. I won't look. I don't have to lie about it. Happy birthday. Right. Yeah. I'm not a little creeper.

I'm not going to be a little dwangus who, you know, lies and says and then gets off on the lie. Dude, Becker Lund jumped off the top of the pontoon. It was sick. I don't know. Full scale dive. We put it on the Chubby Behemoth Instagram. Instagram.com slash Chubby behemoth dot html no it's at chubby behemoth pod yeah uh sam jumped off the top several times i was scared initially i was like i can never do what lun does lun is the best he's

my ideal man i'm suicidal yeah i need i need to fucking shoot the propane tank on this boat so we all die at sea um but yeah i jumped off once loved it jumped off two more times lund went down face first on the slide on the pontoon big belly flop that was legendary but yeah dude remember when eileen got in there in the middle of horse tooth and uh it was just like we looked around and she was like 30 feet from the boat she was good in the water though she loved it and then she yelled if only you could she ate mushrooms

she was like if only you could see what I see yeah we got jealous of her she's just looking at god all the time yeah she god talks to her every day yeah she is god uh yeah i'm up and drank like an you know half a handle of tequila on the boat oh yeah drake non-stop i didn't drink so much goddamn tequila on that boat would not put his ass away oh yeah kept mooning the captain dumped it out left it out just do you guys have a hired captain yeah the captain came with the boat and she was patient with us thank god he's a young lady that luckily luckily we got some good laughs out of her early

so i oh yeah and god she said she loves her job but can you imagine some of the dickheads that she gets like at least we were funny and not completely predictable the whole time i would imagine a lot of her uh a lot of her customers are just like the most basic of bitches you know they're they're like rich 22 year old college students right well yeah and if if if there's you know 15 of them and they each pitch 100 bucks or whatever, then they get a boat and they can fucking just act the fool. So I would imagine we were at least a notch or two above the typical experience for her. Not to say we were reinventing the game.

Not to say that we were polite and cool. Ass hanging out, fucking smoking weed and cigarettes on the boat. Yeah, we were like, can we smoke cigs on here? And she's like, well, when we get to the cove, you can hang off the back of the boat. An hour later, Danny's just blasting, seated like two feet from her, just smoking cigs, his ass is out. He's almost falling off the back of the boat into the fucking blades that that wasn't true i think you were a little uh i was scared i was paranoid he was okay yeah i i remember that part and he his response was something like man i've been on boats a hundred times i know what i'm doing i know the

motor is not for putting your hand in come on sam you kept saying i've been on so many boats and there was also miles becker you know the cool guy who watched me sing karaoke who I like? Yeah. Oh, yeah, the man crush Miles. Yeah, so Miles was there. He rules. And Miles is like a handsome version of Danny. They're both from Louisville.

Danny's like Miles' stunt double. You know, if Miles had to jump out of a moving car or fall down some stairs, they'd cut Danny from behind. Except what's, what's miles is shameful secret. Uh, what you remember? I don't.

What was it? The tiny miles is concerned. He's, he's a Guinness. He's a Guinness book of world records holder for tiniest nipples on a man. Dude. These nipples are a rumor. They're a joke. Yeah. No areola just tip yes seriously like he's tall good looking guy everything else is normal to great and then

nipples of just like a three-year-old yeah like i've never seen nipples this small hilarious and this is coming you know mine are big i've got uh giant tits you know i'm fat and gross but i'm like feeling bad for slash making fun of him because of the size that's how small they were yeah when miles got on the tube with creasy one was like hey when are we gonna make fun of miles's nipples i was ready miles ruled he uh at the party the day before he i think he drank a 12 pack of fucking heineken in like an hour and a half because i was making drinks in the tiki bar and he came in like every seven minutes for a fresh hiney it was awesome his wife's pregnant he's tying it on tight uh miles we love you uh miles and sarah is that right oh yeah sarah rocks too but she's pregnant yeah

no well she cracked me up a couple times because she she was actually people you and uh people that were smoking cigs were like oh sorry sarah i keep like blowing it in your face and she's like do it yeah i want to feel something yeah she's like i haven't been able to do shit for like six months besides this life inside of me crank it yeah she jumped off the boat it was sick yeah your water broke no one could tell i'm glad i'm glad they uh i'm glad they came they were a good addition i'm also glad we didn't have 14 because i think that was the original count and that would have been rough because we had 12 and it was way over the weight limit well yeah you're two people i'm two people david's two and a half people yeah uh it would have i don't know we would have died

yep it would have we would have we would have flipped we would have flipped it but yeah that it was sick to be on the the top part the deck you know it's just like oh yeah felt and with the with uh drake cranked you know hip-hop blasting felt like a music video danny kept saying play kokomo we're like we don't have any service these are songs that are saved on katarina's phone please shut up shut up yeah i've been on so many boats. Hey, hand me the liquor. Yum, yum, that's my friend. If Danny wasn't so funny and the most fun man alive, he would never be allowed anywhere near me or my family.

If Danny wasn't really one of the best ever, it'd be like, I don't want him to know where I i live i don't want him alone in the room with my wife you know he just drinks and goofs and slaps his ass he's got cakes he's got a big old fat one cool butt for sure and it's doughy like me it's you know it feels like a cool tit but he left it wait what he left it hanging out way too long and it's like less is more danny come on yeah how much were you feeling danny's butt sam i've felt danny's bare ass before because he'll walk by you slap it you grab it i mean there's no rules after 11 30 in the talented tiki room okay you know um well there's there is one rule but we don't talk about that no giving my wife titty twisters all right i know she's got them

you don't gotta bounce them on a spoon like an egg at a fucking county fair but yeah man there was a moment when it started from the bottom now we here came on and i was looking at david and looking at my sister and looking at my wife shaking that thing for everyone you know eileen's doing the uh cowboy sam double slap as she was calling the butt move creasy's rock hard oh wait we forgot you forgot about creasy the i'm just hold on okay i was going down on the water and i was just i was going down on you kept grabbing my hand shoving it in your crotch as i'm trying to have this beautiful epiphanous moment and it was just

like we did start at the bottom like we were trash and we've come so far and it felt very good and we do have to shout out creasy i did pull a mastermind puppeteer i'm the best everyone's a pawn in the game that i'm playing uh creasy was like i'm gonna get changed in your office and i was like go ahead creasy i'll watch the door and danny danny was like hey where's my pipe and i was like it's uh it's in my office and he was like all right so he went in there and he was i just heard creasy go danny and danny go whoa danny came out and just told everyone how creasy's got i guess a piece on him creasy's uh swinging a hammer you knew that yeah did we already talk about it i think that night we greased him he was in his underwear and it became like a talking point

at charito that night really yeah i don't remember that part i remember him being greased up he ended up in his in his briefs underwear yeah and he's just like roped there's just like three dicks in there yeah i think his dick like partially went down into like the leg hole of his boxer briefs like it was it went into his own and it wasn't like we noticed i forget who it was but it was like there was chatter on the on the porch it wasn't the people greasing it was other people like whoa crazy's got a hog yeah well i'm glad to know that because which makes his like insecurity that much funnier yeah dude if you can choke a giraffe what are you worried about no it shows there's no there's no one thing that can save you people think it's money people think it's status people think it's

like being with a hot guy or you know like trophy wife or partner or whatever. All those things that save me. No. Imagine Sam with a giant hug. That would be never ending ego. I've said that before. Yeah, I haven't seen it. I've seen Bobby's. Bobby's is cool.

Haven't seen Sharpie's. He said it's, you know, it's not the biggest of all time, but he can get rock hard. He says it gets really hard. Right. Hard as hell. And they love it yeah and they love it uh i haven't seen sam's but if it was big uh i wouldn't be friends with him because he'd be unstoppable he would just be a complete juggernaut of you know ego and uh confidence i think i have like a if it was on becker i think it would probably be like you know oh cool look that's a good one since it's since it's on my body you know like a city on china

doesn't look that big you know what i mean yeah no i feel the same way mine would look good on sharpie yeah exactly tokyo is huge because it's on japan no one really realizes how big Moscow is because it's on Mother Russia and that's my situation also I just figured out my impression of Danny Maupin is Smiling Joe Fission from the Simpsons remember Smiling Joe?

the Albuquerque Isotopes mascot yeah the nucleus I'm Smiling Joe Fission, that's my Danny Maupin no isotopes yeah yeah he's on that yeah he does the instructional video with uh yeah what's his name what's his nuts phil hartman now phil phil hartman's in the video as the fuck is his name the act tClure. Troy McClure. He says his name all the time. I know.

That was why it was making me angry. He introduces himself every time he's in a scene. Danny, let me suck you. All right. That sounds good. It is my half birthday. Come play with my tits. It's so fun. i'm gonna be laughing about that all afternoon when i get this photo booth installed it used to be that uh you've turned your weakness into a strength it used to be

every impression that you attempted was just you know, just face first into a toilet full of donuts. But now you've gotten dialed in. You've bounced back. Jake the Snake was the beginning. And now you're on a real roll. Thanks, man. Yeah, you know, I've always thought of myself as kind of an impressionist. So it's good to hear.

Yeah, but you were bad at it. I was. That was the problem. Yeah. You were really bad at it. And you still thought that you were an impressionist so it's good to hear yeah but you were bad at it i was that was that was the problem yes you were really bad at it and you still thought that you were an impressionist of some kind of of some stature where it's like you're just undiscovered well i'm from the paul f tompkins school of impressions where it's just one noise like his john lithgow oh yeah oh oh but hey uh we got uh we love you guys and thank you for bearing with us through uh you know our random schedules but i think that yeah this one was worth it we bounced we can't we we we compiled a bunch of great stuff while neglecting to sit down and record and then turned the neglect into gold yeah i couldn't have done one that night

afterward when danny was couldn't figure out if he was inside or outside of the house you know right yeah again there really wasn't a great the only time that it probably could have happened was when i had to go down to denver because we were setting up for the party then i had to leave and then there was maybe some downtime where you were done hanging pictures and could have sat down, but I wasn't up there. So it wasn't in the cards, but we're good remote. It would have been nice to be together. But speaking of being together and recording.

Yeah, pretty big announcement here. Blast it. We are doing a live Chubby Behemoth podcast at the High Plains Comedy Festival, the best comedy festival in America. Take that, limestone. Did you suggest it? Because I did. No, I did the Grelix podcast, and Adam just asked me if we want to do it.

So I'm sure it was your suggestion since I was talking to him. He just said. me if we want to do it so i'm sure it was your suggestion since i was talking to him he just said i put it in the i put in the form you know when it asked if you have a show to be considered or a podcast and i was like we have we have listeners in denver in colorado so i would imagine uh people would would make a point of of attending uh live and i'm sure that you can just get tickets for that show i don't think you have to have a festival pass i don't know anything also i'm talking out my ass. They do the individually ticket shows.

They're sold out of passes, so you're going to have to get individually ticket. Yeah, I'm just talking out my ass, and my pussy stinks like a Markley Motors heiress. God damn it. God damn you. That's all right. I did like four commercials for them,

so I doubt that they're not going to rehire my ass. But and our guests will be none other than uh smiling joe toothless himself and the black menace david borey so yeah yeah it's gonna be awesome a lot of grab ass a lot of goof and becker becker will be there live eating shit i assume let's yeah you can see what i look like you can bring me hostess treats or mini muffins and i will yeah for you yeah if you come to that show come on out and just bring becker some fucking tasty gifts you know i'm keto because i'm in control lund's a complete mess so he'll probably eat whatever becker doesn't finish no meat oh yeah meatless lund he had to have a fucking black bean burger at chili's like a dad who doesn't want his kids to know he's drunk again no i'm doing better i swear

hey come over see the condo it's not a race car bed anymore uh the mattress is on the box springs it's pretty great uh so yeah bring out some shit for becker to eat and we'll be on i bet it'll probably be saturday saturday during the day yeah had to guess but who knows yeah who knows but anyway stoked on that thanks to High Plains thanks uh you know Karen and Adam um edit it out do I I don't care, probably. That's just vindictive. Yeah, bleep it. It'll be funny too to bleep it and then people who know know. Yeah, but hey, thank you Adam and Karen and that'll be fun.

Get on that Patreon, guys. It's fucking cooking. We have so much fucking fun over there. I think we're really hitting our stride, fellas. I think we're really figuring this thing out. Hell yeah. Are you done?