Chubby Behemoth - Eternally Bricked

Episode Date: May 12, 2025

SPONSORS: ExpressVPN - Support the show and protect your online privacy with ExpressVPN. Head to https://www.expressvpn.com/CHUBBY   Turtle Beach - Level up your game and get 10% off @TurtleBeach with code CHUBBY at https://www.turtlebeach.com/CHUBBY   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam is waiting until people speak English to get a haircut. Nathan tells the boys about an article he found, discovers a drawing of a naked lady that’s got em in the church, and threw the Love Guru on the other day. Sam wants to shave off some shoulder meat, breaks some sad news to Nathan, and would like to swallow a turtle egg. Made him eat the whole thing.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

I have a ring on my forehead because I laundered my hat in French detergent. So now my head is this color. It barely shows up. I said, Whoa, because it looked like you got a haircut. No, want to haircut desperately, but need to wait until people speak English. So I'll be getting one in London next week. Well, it looks very nice, like back the way it is right now, kind of. We'll be in Glasgow

first, but you're saying you don't want to risk it. I said where they speak English. I need to be able to understand the barber. He starts chomping at my head. Give me what's left of your, your, your, your legacy. Give me those. You won't be needing them where you're going with Lund. They bring, bring a goat in the nibble on your hair. It actually, I think it looks better than it did when it was freshly shorn. Cause it grew out a little and time heals all wounds.

Nevermind. Yeah, but straight on in the camera, you really were pulling something. Oh, well make sure you blur what I just did then, Becker. Don't let them know. I want them to think I'm perfect and I've never aged ever. You need to maintain that for me, Becker. You have the keys to the kingdom. I'll do my best. Yeah. Can you just show me from my eyebrows to my nose?

I think that's my best day. Just this segment. I bought an umbrella today to use because it was raining. My body was too broad for it. It didn't work. Looked like my arms were crying because they were wet. You need a golf umbrella. I need to lose weight.

Like the, the breadth of me, like my width needs to go down because I'm losing everything on this front axis, but like sideways, I still occupy the exact same space and it sucks. I don't know that you're- It's not going anywhere. Yeah, it's not going to narrow your shoulders. I need to shave off some of my shoulder meat. So, Becker, if you can get on that.

Becker, you've been losing it all day. Why don't we hear from you? I mean, yeah, I got into it with several strangers I'm fucking losing it. I don't like being put under I'm very anxious. Oh It's that that you're anxious about Yeah, it's that and the other thing she's good now she's alive and so is the kid Do you want to tell everyone about this or you just want to exist in this shadow realm where a woman- I'll be that vague. I've talked about it on the Patreon. The Patreon people know what

I'm talking about. You're talking about Maria Menounos. Yes. She's a healthy baby boy. Yeah. So that's good. You're talking about Alec Baldwin's wife. Who are the strangers that you lost it on? There was a lesbian couple on the hill whose dog chased me.

Hate crime? And then, no, I was like, you need to train your dog, when she kept being apologizing while the dog was still trying to nip at me. And then her girlfriend came out of the, do not talk to me that way, sir. Don't talk to her that way, yeah. And I was like, you can train her too.

And then she was like, fuck you. And I was like losing it. And she just like grabbed her dog and went inside. Did you slur? And then a lady who was going like four miles an hour on main street got, no, I didn't slur, got into the like straight lane on commercial and I was turning. So that means the other ladies couldn't drive in it. on commercial and I was turning so she was like nice car and I was like you drive like shit and then she lost it and I just turned and went away so a woman

gave you a compliment and you lashed out yeah she was driving four miles an hour but she said nice car through town like I followed it like my shreds. It's a two-minute drive fucking hate it and Yeah, I yelled at another guy in traffic his deal. What'd he do say? Hey nice day. We're having No, he was also going like five miles an hour on Main Street I've been on that sets the fucking 25 mile an hour speed limit so that cars charge their goddamn batteries. It's not just an arbitrary speed that they picked for the entire fucking nation to obey. It's so that you don't ruin machinery.

And when I'm driving four miles an hour, it's just draining my fucking car. I want to kill the I want to kill everyone. That was better. We're less than five minutes in. Drop a C word. Yeah. Everyone that was better. We're less than five minutes in drop a c-word. Yeah, he's already auditioning for falling down, too These are draining his battery that's for sure it's because you're scared of going under for your tonsil surgery I'm sure that's why I'm like extra ready to yell at people

But every part of me would just stop short of yelling at these people on a normal day My tempers there all the time. I just normally am stoned and calm enough to not fucking tell everyone about it Yeah, you have a real short fuse You're like Lund and I Yeah, I think I've walked like 15 miles today Okay, you're not like Lund then I take it back I Okay. You're not like Lund then. I take it back.

I walked from here to the dog park and then did the river trail and then went up and then walked over to the trailhead and then walked the two loops at the top of the hill. It's cool that they have a dog park and you got some fruit loops. Is that what you said? And then walked home. and you got some fruit loops. Yep. Is that what you said? And then walked home. No, there's two loops. The sandstone loop and the wormhole loop.

Maybe we can push you all the way over the edge on this pod. You certainly did your part by pushing back seven minutes and then coming in later than that. Well, I pushed back three hours. Becker called you a couple slurs. That's fine. Be moan me. Lund, you were, you were 22 minutes late yesterday. So, you know, how about that? We were here due to the time difference. Not me.

I think that was lost in translation. Well, I'll tell you this. I did, I got home at like 1103 and used the toilet for the first time in about six days. I have been completely backed up and I haven't talked about it on here. I haven't made it my whole thing like you guys would. But yeah, I have been eternally bricked. Every meal I have has been stacking up like pogs. And finally the slammer came through and cleared the board because I'm talking probably eight to 12 pounds of moldering fecal matter just came out of me. Yeah. Is that closet toilet okay? No, no, it's not. In fact, we

have to, when I'm done podcasting, we have to leave. Our lease has been annulled, they said. I mean, if, if Becker, if you were on this toilet, you would have gotten taller. It was, it was fucking crazy. You're like John Wayne. Yeah, I've been secretly eating Miralax over here and like stool softener and not letting anyone know. Cause then it just becomes the whole talk of the day. Oh Sam, are you gonna go? Buddy, have you gone?

Oh buddy, how you feeling? So yeah, I've just been grinning barely in the silent Christ. Buckwatch 2025. Yeah, exactly. It's like whale watching. We're here with these French reporters outside of your Airbnb. There's the helicopters. Shutting the blinds.

It's day six. So we really spent a lot of money thinking they were going to take a longer time picking a pope, but we have the choppers anyway. So we've got a guy in the third who has been carrying around a lot of donor kebab and he's had steak frites twice, so we're going to go see what he's up to. So you had gone since you were over there and then got clogged up or was it travel related? I think I came in with a full bandolier and yeah, I just couldn't get the bullets out

of the chamber. Doesn't answer my question at all. Did you shit before the six days? It doesn't sound like it. I came in preloaded and I arrived in Amsterdam and I added to my own calamity and there were some flirtations of using the toilet. You know, I went in there, I batted my lashes. I blew a kiss from across the bar. But yeah, every time I sat on there,

it was like, what am I waiting for my mom to come back? There's a waste of time. So on the toilet, mom, I'm done. Trick your butt into thinking that you're done. Yeah. I finally rocked the cow's bra and I wish Emily was not mad at me so I could tell her about it. What happened?

I had to shoo her out of the room. I said, beat it toots. I got to keep the lights on in here. She bought a new watch today. I've been making fun of her. I was like, that's what you need for sure another watch Uh-huh. That's what I said. Show us the she bought a second watch and she already has another one. It's just at home, right? We have she's stacking She's stacking them up Yeah, she's like sir mix a lot. She wants to know what time it is in that ass

Stacking them up. Yeah. She's like sir mix a lot. She wants to know what time it is in that ass Huh, do you like one No more than the old one or what? No, and also I think that me being so backed up hurt my back because I've been crook backed Well, you know what? It's like when I'm crook backed I waddle around But I think after I just- Yeah, I guess. I just broke open the seventh seal, so I think that'll be good. That's good.

And it was all steak? I've had steak three times. Do with that with you, Will. That information's for you and you alone. But yeah. I think- I'm a bleep head. Take three times. Do that with you, Will. That information's for you and you alone. But yeah. I think. I'm bleep it.

It was a real mortar. Oh, dude. What was I gonna say? Oh, I need to send you an article about allegations against a comedy club owner that we know. Brother, that article has been flying in. No, I got it. Mark Norman sent it to me.

Mark sent it to me and I was in the ballet and at intermission I answered my phone and it said, comedy addict owner deposed. And I was like, oh wow, that's fun. Yeah, poor guy. In his defense, I heard she was hot. I guess. Poor guy. It's a very long article.

There's a lot of people who were not stoked. Yeah, and I'm not signing up for Bloomington Daily. Yeah. What did he do? Goose somebody? Oh, I read it. I read it for free. Oh, what was it? Just, you know, getting chummy with certain staff and comics

and crossing boundaries, you know, the way he would talk or touch and, you know, and then his wife emailing the paper and being like, he doesn't remember doing anything. He's a good guy. Also, they are, and then his wife emailing the paper and being like, he doesn't remember doing anything. He's a good guy. Also, they are, they were going to get divorced. Now they're not just a lot of, uh, you know, I'm sure he was power tripping. He's like the main guy that you had to talk to to do comedy in Bloomington. He hung out in the green room. His empire. He was in the green room all the time. You wanted to cancel him because he didn't get out of there when we were there.

Get out of here. I don't want to talk about Operation Ivy. I need to do a show. Fucking beat it. Melon Collin is fine. There. Are you happy? Is that enough?

They had a couple solid songs. Yeah. I thought maybe we had blind item it, but I guess not. Also Limestone kept, in 2020 they kept all the submission fees and I didn't like that at all. I didn't like that one bit. So God bless everybody in Bloomington with whatever comes next. I'm unwrapping presents. It's Mother's Day, so I got a lot of it.

It's a twix to your mouth. Yeah, happy Mother's Day. Dog mom. I don't even know what this is. Dog mom. Girl dad. I've never seen that in my life. I can't see what it is you didn't hold it in frame It's a giant piece of art that I I have no idea

Where it's from or where it's going, but it's right next to me. It's hard to tell what it is Looks like the bowl after I just use it. It's a lady. It's a naked lady. Whoa. She's got a Way, wait, wait. Hold on. All right time to end this podcast early. I have to go to the bathroom. Oh yeah. Emmy heard what you said about that photo of her and Katarina and how you masturbated to it and she has questions. That was a joke. I promise. I did not do anything. That was a riff. That was funny. I said something about putting it into an AI chat GBT or something. I don't remember, but it was all fake.

Yeah. I think what you said is you were going to get one of- I don't find Emily attractive. Oh, okay. Well, there's that. Probably the diabetes took your vision. I think that you said you were going to get one of those preloadable picture frames that are digital and you were just going to put that picture on that frame on repeat and you

were just going to stare at it in your room. I would probably use AI to increase the size, the proportions of certain elements. The two of them. Well, so that, yeah, so it starts normal with than any more and more ridiculous, but no, uh, no, I would never, I've got the entire world at my fingertips when it comes to stuff to jacket to, I don't need a Katarina and Emily to be in there. Yeah. But think about the taboo aspect.

That's probably what does it for you. You know, not me, not me, aspect. That's probably what does it for you. You know, it's always bad. No, no, no, not me. Not me, buddy. What does it do for you? I D.H. them. I use A.I. to make, instead of making their dits bigger and bigger, they get younger and younger.

Yeah, they're two years old. They're like big eyed Anne Getty's babies. They're both in tires or pumpkins. Yep. And then I come over and I'm like, what the fuck, Lon? Big tails. Yeah. What the fuck?

Big tails. Kool-Aid mustache. Yeah, yeah. Oh, gross. All right, I creeped out my own ass. What do I own, the comedy attic? No, that wasn't what was being alleged. We're saying all this shit on the free one. Hey, why not? We're going to be

deposed. It's public. It's public information. Yeah, it's been published. I know, but then I'm, I'm bullshitting. I'm riffing. I'm going to get us. Yeah. I don't know what he did. Uh, I know that, uh, he did make me feel uncomfortable. Um, so I uncomfortable. So I stand with- He insisted on watching baseball while we were trying to watch playoff basketball. No.

That's right. It's not a crime in Indiana, but it should be. Oh, dude, Lund, I didn't know if you saw this, but I feel like we should break you the news on the pod. Did you see who died? Sabu. Yeah, dude, Sabu's in hell. Yeah, and I saw like one or two posts. Yeah, I saw one or two posts that kind of did the thing where you say something about, I hope you're at peace now,

which makes me wonder if he did it himself, if he got brave. I mean, he was always brave. He gave himself a double underhooked DDT. He was suicidal, genocidal, homicidal, and now brave. Yeah. Well, you know what else I thought of is he just had like two weeks ago, he had his last match against Joey Janela and it was barbed wire and everybody loved it. Like it was good.

But when he was on dark side of the ring talking about FMW, you know, that dude, Hayabusa broke his neck in the ring and was paralyzed. Sabu said, yeah, he didn't die, but he was paralyzed and I'd rather be dead. So I wonder if he, just without being able to wrestle anymore, like knowing that his career was definitely done, maybe he didn't give a fuck. I think actually he was down here. He may have crossed paths with Becker and Becker might have taken out some anesthesia adrenaline out on him.

Did anyone try and hit you with a moon salt on your walk, Becker? A moon salt? Yeah. Did you no sell a moon salt? No, no, no. I didn't. Why? We don't use context clues. What do you think it is? I didn't know what it was. I thought you were talking about kooky Sam stuff that I didn't know. And then I realized it was. I thought you were talking about Kookie Sam stuff that I didn't know and then I realized

it was probably a wrestling move. So when I talk, you just hear gibberish and goo goo gaga. No, sometimes you talk about weird stuff that I don't know about until you talk about it more. Me talking about weird stuff, the man who was just on stage here in Paris and said how funny it would be if I came home to find my wife and father cheating. Oh yeah, how did that go? It went great.

Just imagine how that would be ruined. If Emily and my dad were in here having an affair in the building I paid for, it would ruin my trip. Yeah, I mean, what's French prison like? I don't know, but it might be the most French crime that they could commit. A grandfather, a little girl laying down. Wait, did you do stand up? So I get hit up to do stand up and I'm like,

I don't know about it. And then I get hit up and this guy's like, Hey, I represent, I work for a French media company and there's a game show over here and we're looking for comedians. And I was like, okay, well, I can do a show tonight. And he was like, okay, I'll be there. So he comes, I do the show afterward. He's like that was exceptional. That was super Oh my god, it was so good. You improvised the whole thing and you speak French and I was like What he's like, yes, you speak French, correct? And I was like, no He's like, oh, this is not good. I was like what and he's like well the shows in French and I was like what the fuck

So yeah Total waste of time. He assumed because you were over there? Yeah. That's not how it works, Pappy. You don't have to pass a Duolingo level in order to go hang out in France. No. So what could have just been a fun podcast

ended up being this fun podcast, which is three hours later, which is fine. I'm not mad. No one's mad. No one had anything else going on. So that's good. Lund, you don't talk to your mom. Becker, you're just coming in on a go-kart. No, Becker, talk.

Talk to me. Yeah, my mom's driving down. She's gonna... We're gonna have dinner now, and then tomorrow she's gonna take me to my surgery. Is it in the Springs or Denver? It's in Lamar. She's gonna, we're gonna have dinner now and then tomorrow she's gonna take me to my surgery. Is it in the Springs or Denver? It's in Lamar. Oh no, Pueblo.

Even worse. Basement, bargain basement prices. Oh yeah. You're not gonna be under it very long. You're gonna get your wish and wake up halfway through the procedure. Yeah, they're gonna hit you with fentanyl and you're going to love it. Oh, wait, we probably shouldn't joke about worst case scenarios for old freakazoid before he goes and attacks a couple of gay dudes.

Becker is going to be fine. People do this shit all the time. Oh, I know it's not rational. I've been put under a bunch. Well, yeah, but those are mostly Dutch ovens. Over. I just hate it. I hate that no one can explain how it works. I can explain how anesthesia works. They don't know. Yeah, I got you. No, they don't. What was that noise?

It kills you a little bit. That's all. Yeah. They send you to limbo. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're with God and the devil. How it acts on your system. So what? You need to know how stuff works before you do it to yourself? Yeah, it's the same reason flying upside down in a plane would fuck with me because it doesn't

make sense. No one's asking you to go into, you know, Mach 10. That'd be fun. Yeah, but I don't like things that people have been studying forever and they're like, we don't know how it works. Like, fuck that. I don't like that. I think they should just flip you upside down until you pass out and then you wake up and

you know, you don't have a nose or whatever they're doing to you. You haven't really told this guy. I'm also worried they'll blow out my eardrums because that is a possibility. Yeah, but who cares? You're already a dizzy bitch. Me, I make all of my money with headphones on. We'll get you a new role in the operation.

We'll get you a broom and you can push dust around. Yeah. You'll be fine. Clean the church. Yeah. I know I just don't want to have like six weeks of healing church. Yeah. I know. I just don't want to have like six weeks of healing or some shit. Becker, how much money would you need to become Lund's slave for a month?

Let's talk about this. What would that entail? Who knows what the that entail? I mean, you know what the word slave means. Who knows what Sam's fucking warped mind. Oh, ask what your love for anyone means. Well, you're not doing dishes, because I'm doing dishes.

You love dishes. I'm doing laundry. Maybe you do a little laundry. You would certainly go to Safeway and Walmart, because I'm so fucking sick of both of them. Pick up Creech, you up creatures blast stone colds music. I hit her with that on her birthday. She came to the car glass broke.

I imagine there's a lot of like dog walking and like, you know, what's this boil in our dogs. You don't have to do that Yeah, you can expect my body measure my skin tags and ticker's it the price Investigate him No, I don't want to investigate anyone. Oh, imagine this not fun to me. You could inject my monjaro. Oh Yeah, no, I couldn't do that. You can be the Amergo that's- It doesn't have to go into a vein. ... Lund's body.

No, anyone- Nah, I just hit the needle. I couldn't do it. Makes me so fucking wiggy. Man, before we got going, I was really cramped up. My stomach was fucking hurting. I did Monjaro two days ago, and today it was fucking turning my belly into knots. It sucked.

It was annoying. Damn. Yeah. I mean, that's me, man. I've had the clamp down from on the constipation and finally the levy broke and Treme is buried. Yeah. I've been hurting. That sucks.

I know. But I don't tell anyone about it. Speaking of, prayer's up for Pysher. Yeah, I've been hurting. Hmm. That sucks. I know. But I don't tell anyone about it. Speaking of, prayer's up for Pysher. We had a fun show last night at the Dad Lounge and then today we ate breakfast at Bob and Earl's and he apparently had a seizure on the drive from Bob and Earl's to Mutiny. So I don't know what's going on with them right now, but hopefully he's okay. You shouldn't have got him the disco pancakes.

What were you thinking? Why did you order him the laser light show? What the hell? They, Hey, it wasn't his first time at Bob and Earl's. He knows what the decor is and the theme and it is disco brunch. Strobe light Sundays, Mother's Day madness. There actually were a few themes on top of each other today. So that might've been, no, it sucks. Cause it's not like when mama has one, I always think, oh good.

She's a dog. They are potentially, no, no, no, but they are, they're potentially deadly. No, I'm just saying like seizures. I'm always like, oh yeah, if you have seizures, then you have them, it's fine. But that's not really true. It's like anesthesia that you don't know if you're going to come out of it. But he did come out of it. He was just still discombobulated or something. So I don't know. I haven't heard from Andreas or Lazo. So hopefully he's all right. No, they probably emptied his pockets and took his shoes. Those two? They're like toad

vine from Blood Meridian. Shaking on the side of the road. Yeah. They probably pulled his pants down and instead of putting the spoon in his mouth, they put it in his butt and they said stir the soup and then you know Well, they had the wonder twins with him so Bessaral and Lassow abandoned Pysher's writhing body What happened? No, that was a joke dumbass. Oh, they were with them and they stayed with him, but then as a riff Jesus Christ. Are you having a seizure?

A bit of a delay here. No, no, no. I also feel bad. Last night at the show, Jeremy went up first and he was very funny. Then I went up and said, wow, Jeremy Peyscher, you guys couldn't tell, but he had like six seizures during his set. He's getting better. Prayer works. Next thing you know, dead, dead in a ditch with his pants wriggled down to his ankle. Yeah. The last thing you do when you have a seizure to death is you just shake your pants off and you're standing there just glitching. Shake your money maker.

Yeah. People come up and they put dollar bills in your underwear. It's a bad way to go. He was over by the school, high school. Thank God it's a Sunday or else he could have gotten charged. He wakes up from a seizure. He's in prison. He's in jail. He's handcuffed to his, or he's in the hospital, but he's handcuffed to the bed.

He's like, what happened? Well, I'm pretty sure you know what happened, you pervert. He's like, to, or he's in the hospital, but he's handcuffed to the bed. He's like, what happened? Well, I'm pretty sure you know what happened, you pervert. He's like, what? Yeah, you were shaking your huge dick at a bunch of children. He's like, huge, huh? Yeah, that was me.

Ha ha ha ha. Shit. So yeah, but how was the big show? No, uh, show was good. It was fun. There were a lot of people there. Uh, LASO is, uh, taking on a difficult task, which is to run his, uh, special or like formulate it on the road. But the special is all about where he grew up, south side of Chicago, like five minutes from where I grew up. So that's weird. But like two towns over is where he lived.

Did he reveal in his hour that, and I remember growing up on the south side, there was this fat little boy. He doesn't talk like an old black man. side. There was this fat little boy. He doesn't talk like an old black man. And he was, and he would eat always come. He's code switching. He would always come and I would have a big hot dog because that's what you get in the South side. You get hot dogs and bullets and he would always come and he would eat my hot dog and then go back to evergreen park.

I think his name was Bundler. Lured. I'm not sure. Is that how it goes? Is he doing black boys? Yeah. It was a lot of hot dog stuff. No. Oh. You said yes already. But yeah, that was sarcastic. You have lost a step. You had a seizure last night. There's a huge delay here. There's no delay. There lost a step. You had a seizure last night. There's a huge delay here. There's no delay. There is a delay.

There's no delay. It just keeps coming and going. It's on Sam's end and it's like a half second but it's coming in. It's like I'm eight time zones away. Yeah. It's not. In a way. Yeah.

Well, anyway. But it's not in a way. Yeah. Well, anyway, it's not great. Becker was messaging me last night and he told me the show was great and I was glad to hear that. Yes, but it is a tough task to try and run a very specific comedy set outside of that area. And then especially to be in a small town and talk about a big neighborhood in a big city. But that's just how it has to be. He's got to get it ready and it was fun. For Broadway? And I think that was the first time he tried to do it. Yeah.

So I would imagine, you know, he was looking at his notes a lot, which obviously affected any like momentum, but he definitely got some good laughs or whatever. And it was just also weird because so many people came through that didn't seem to check in on the show at all. Like they knew there was a show, they had to pay a cover to get in. And then they just like went and sat sat away from the stage and talked or played pool and it's like, why did you pay $10 to not enjoy the show? That was annoying. But most people did go and listen and had fun.

Pysher should have done his closer to start with and done the bass on the boat. Now he's okay. And we're all thinking about him. Um, and yeah, yeah, this is, it's a pro pressure pod. That's right. And we're also pro sponsor. Incognito mode is a false sense of security. Third parties can still see where you're up to at 4 AM. You hear that Sam? You better change it soon. parties can still see where you're up to at 4 a.m. You hear that Sam? You better change it soon. Hold on, wait a minute. You do bad stuff on incognito mode

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and he's like, oh no, my beautiful wife, oh, I loved you so much. Who's this Chinese lady? What's going on? He's just like in and out of it, you know, he forgets to eat. And then like every now and then he wakes up and like, yeah, he's like, who ordered dim sum?

He's like, his fucking dogs are eating his wife. His dog and cat were eating his wife and he was just trapped in there for five days because he can't remember how to use a doorknob. Isn't that fucked? Yeah. You know what's not fucked? ExpressVPN. That's right. Protect your online privacy today by visiting expressvpn.com slash chubby. That's e-x-p-r-e-s-s-vpn.com slash chubby.

And you can get an extra four months free expressvpn.com slash chubby. How about it? Are you dying laughing? I am Sam's in real pain. He's doing Hackman. I'm Hackman. Yeah real pain. He's doing Hackman? Um, Hackman. Yeah, no, it's just... I mean, I assume Gene Hackman's

probably killed the Chinese lady before. You know? Yeah, not again. Yeah, he was probably like, oh god. I hope I used ExpressVPN when I ordered this one. So there's no paper trail. He thinks he got us through the mail. Prayer's up for Hacker. She showed up dead.

Yeah. So he's okay or no. I'll tell you this. Let's what? Hackman's on all right, right? He's dead too. Hackman's dead. We were talking about him being dead for the last five minutes. Are you talking about Nicholson? We have another sponsor. Yeah. dead for the last five minutes. Are you talking about Nicholson? We have another sponsor. Yeah. Go to the bathroom, Sam. Uh, I did.

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The battery lasts for 80 hours and it even has a quick charge option. If you need to get in the game, ASAP, I do the best I need to get in that. I've worn, I gotta be in the've worn headsets most of my life. I've worked in call centers up and down the Appalachian mountain range and I'll tell you, Turtle Beach is fucking crazy. It's nuts how you could listen to God. That's how crystal clear these things are. They make it so that you can talk to Jean Hackman's lifeless corpse for just a couple minutes on his way up to heaven. Dude, there was an Indian girl at the show tonight and I was like, Oh, you know, India,

right on. I was like, Oh, Pakistan really got caught with a tan in the cookie jar. Huh? You guys, you guys slapped that hand away. He said, no treats for you, Pakistan. She loved it. But you know what she really loved? Well, she, I could hear everything she said because at the show I did, everyone was actually

wearing Turtle Beach headphones. So I did the show upstairs and it was kind of like a silent disco. It was really cool And yeah people could turn on their headphones and say I'm Chinese or I'm a Tunisian there was a Tunisian lady tonight who said do you even know where that is and I said bitch you picked the wrong one and Then I really they really let her have it, but she heard every every nasty thing. I said crystal clear Through her turtle beach headphones, which you can get through this podcast. Yeah.

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with turtle beach today. I'm using them now. Turtle beach. Imagine that a beach is a turtle. I wouldn't like turtle beach because you lay down to try to get some sun and relax by the water, but it's all turtles on the beach. So they just like slowly, they slowly carry you away. You know, you, you fall asleep for 45 minutes, you wake up, you don't know where you are. I mean, you're just a little bit down the beach. It's discombobulating. You're like, Pysher.

Pysher has a seizure. The turtles carry him away. He's like, what the fuck? I don't remember being at Turtle Beach. I thought I was at Monkey Beach. I was at Monkey Beach. I'm positive. The last day in Key West, we went to that beach where all the turtles attached to that

morning and most of the beach was covered in turtle shells. And that was pretty fucking gross. I didn't put any of those eggs in my pocket. I didn't take any of them back home and raise them as my son. No, no, no. We left them all there, like soft little eggs. They're so soft, I've heard. I didn't pick one up and crush it to test that theory. But yeah, it was nuts. It was like Easter happened the day before and everyone was hungry. Mm. It was.

I would. That would be everywhere. Yeah, that would be weird looking. I would like to swallow a turtle egg. I just want to feel what that texture is Because they're soft. Yeah, you know Yeah Huh? Yeah, what do you mean? The egg a turtle a turtle egg is like almost I don't know kind of like a tanga egg

I guess it's like gelatinous, right? Yeah, it's like gelatinous And I don't know what your lattice, but the shell is kind of like paper like wet paper Yeah, and they if you put one in your back pocket and you forget it's there and you sit down. Oh my god Is it a mess? It sucks You know what does you saw the remnants? It sucks You know what does you saw the remnants

Yeah, we went too late in the day I think we were there the day before two days before and there was nothing there. So it had just happened Yeah, but we were we were we were walking around and we kept saying god. It's like walking on bubble wrap It's like the way the sand popping So yeah, I don't know. I feel like Maybe we got in trouble Speaking of London, are you are you you get into Glasgow the 13th? Is that right? No, I leave Denver Tuesday evening, so I won't get to Glasgow until like Tuesday or Wednesday morning. Okay. Yeah. We get in Wednesday as well. The 14th for our big shows, Glasgow, London, Manchester.

Come see the show. Good. I was worried you were going to be the 13th by yourself. Oh, right. No. Last night after my set, Jeremy plugged those dates and I said, what are you doing? Nobody's going to be in Glasgow in six days. It's nice of you to put it out there, but, uh, I don't think, I don't think you, I don't think you're going to help me move any hats in Scotland. No, no. Try to add to Scotland. Yeah. It's the last thought he had.

Come on. We don't, his body might be cold. Uh, I think I would know. I would feel it. I have a connection to everybody in Trinidad, so I kind of know when they're going through stuff. That happened to like 11 something and he was online two hours ago. So I think he's all right.

Oh, and nobody goes, nobody needs to tell me anything that sucks, but he usually goes and just sleeps it off It usually sleeps like 16 to 20 hours after you have after oh geez man. I wish I could have a few teachers They really take shit it out of you to wiggle like that Was out of it as well Every neuron firing just a a full scale alarm going up. It's like being in Romstein. It's like, it's like being in that prodigy music video. This has been cracking me up. So for, for my book,

I have to do, they have to do a legal read of my new novel, my forthcoming novel. And I don't know if you guys have ever read a novel. Uh, I'm doubting it that you have, but if you use an excerpt from like a real song, they have, you have to get clearance. So it'll be like, thank you to Columbia house for granting, you know, Bob Dylan, and then whatever song you use. Someone at Random House is going to have to go to whoever owns the catalog of the band Slipknot

and be like, Hey, there's a, there's an upcoming literary novel. And the author has used the opening to wait and bleed. Are you guys cool with this? What if they say no? What if Slipknot turns me down for being in my book? I've got some other songs you could use. Dude, the first four bars of that are so perfect for what's going on. No, not Dragula. Wait, but it's just because you're referencing it or is it because you're you typed out the lyrics I don't I don't want to give away too much But maybe the man character and is maybe maybe the main character and his boyfriend attend a slipknot show in Las Vegas

Maybe that's in the book, you know Maybe they fly across the country to go see slipknot because his boyfriend's a jarhead who loves energy drinks Maybe that's that, you know? Who knows? And then do you type out some of their lyrics, song lyrics, and that's what triggers the need for clearance or is it just using the name of the band? Here, I'll read it to you. No.

Don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Because we'll have to edit it. If the edit out slip not. Oh, you can read the slip. Now I thought you're going to read like passage from your book. I was gonna be like, there's no way the publisher would like that. Oh, I can do whatever the hell they want. I can do me here. Yeah. Yeah. The bass came in the bass from the song, the song and in the darkness, 1000 maggots sang. I felt the haze rise up in me, kneel down and clear the stones of leaves. I wonder out where you can't see inside my shell. I wait and bleed. So yeah, that's in my book. And

I just want to be at the meeting where they have to like sit down with clown and Corey Taylor and be like, Hey, so first of all, random house here. We're all big fans. We all love what the knots been slipping. Anyway, there's this book coming out and weight and bleed is used. And they're like, we want Bleed is used and they're like, we want a million dollars. And they're like, we're calling Mudvane. Right. Yeah.

And just so you know, Sam also is a big fan of Mudvane. So don't act like this could be a back and forth or it could just be a one and done. It's up to you. Yeah. If you want to be in there, don't, don't try to go for the brass ring. Yeah. I mean, what they would do. I'll bet your, your, uh, the response will be, well, as long as he uses the word wander instead of wonder, then we're okay with it. And then you are like, Nope, it has to be wonder or nothing at all.

And then the book never painted me into a corner. You're like that, that bitch from Tunisia who didn't think I knew anything. Oh, who fucking knows? I think the Caribbean. No, it's in North Africa. It's near Algeria, Morocco, and Egypt. The capital is Tunis. Yeah.

She was like, Americans don't know geography. And I was like, you know what I know? A bitch when I see one. And I high-fived a guy. No, I didn't say that. But I just, I walked around in Paris with this like projected fear that everyone thinks that I'm an unwashed pig, because I I am and everyone thinks I'm dumb and uncultured.

And then that came out of me just so happened to be on stage in the bottom of a Turkish restaurant. Call the cops. I didn't go, I didn't go Michael Richards on her, you know. They would have loved it over there. Oh God, you're telling me. long as he said in French. It's so funny that that guy assumed no more French Yeah, what a fucking idiot Yeah, and I was like, I know I thought I was gonna get five thousand euros to be on a game show over here

But no They did say I could I could be the human dartboard But no, they did say I could be the human dartboard. Well, yeah, they still have you on and then they just, the host says a bunch of stuff and you're like, what? And then they all laugh and then say something in French. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, what? Slow down. Then they pie me. They hit me with a pie. I do wonder how far that would have gone if you were just like, yeah, I speak French. Yeah. Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui,

oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui And I just get there and they're like, bonjour, Monsieur Talent. And then I can't even do fake French. Oh no, I'm saying you just show up and speak English, but you just tell them yes and then show up at a French TV studio and now they can either get a translator or stop production

and find somebody else. Hey, Sam Talent, hell of a pleasure to meet you. What's up, Paris? Your laundry detergent has done a real number on my head. What am I, Jack Nicholson of the Departed? Bravo! Yeah, and like Chris Farley on SNL when he was in Japan. Oh yeah.

It's a very weird sketch because Mike Myers is hella Japanese. I put the love guru on the other day and made it like 12 minutes in. It's weird. It's like what? I guess he probably thought he was untouchable. He could do whatever he wanted. Nobody could get mad at him and then we did.

He was like, oh shit. All right. Was he brown in that? Did he do brown face? I don't think he's died. He doesn't do brown, but he does every other part other than the face. Yeah, he doesn't.

The voice is weird. He says he's like from Indiana, but lived in India for a long time. I don't know. But yeah, it was just a lot of weird choices when really he had the world by the balls. Yeah, he could have done anything. Yeah.

And I did wanna keep watching, I can't remember why. Megan might have put the kibosh on that. He probably can. But I kinda wanted to see how bad it was. You know what I just watched that everybody loved, and Megan and I did not, is heart eyes. Oh yeah, but I was gonna ask if you saw it, but it's horror, slasher. It came out like early this year and everybody, I thought everybody loved it, but I thought

it was kind of dumb. It didn't make a lot of sense. A lot of really bad, like a lot of, made the characters do a lot of dumb shit for the sake of like a funny little moment or something. But then it just kept taking me and Megan out of it. The gore was good and the beginning of it was solid, but then it just kind of went all over the place and we were kind of like, what the fuck? Everybody loved this.

But what are you going to do? I was too busy eating the worst sandwich I've ever had. Really? What? Guys, I didn't want to bring this up. I didn't think that was possible over there. Me either. Emmy, we walked up.

My dad wanted to see Jim Morrison's grave. I was like, great. What's next? A giant Gundam? So we go up there and on the way up there, you know, my dad's, you know, riders in the storm. He's singing the hallway and we, there's a sandwich shop and Emmy darts in. I'm like, get me whatever. It's a sandwich in Paris. It's impossible to fuck up. Yeah. Can't miss. Riders on the strong. Was he doing that? Yeah, I said that today. I said that,

I said that exactly today Lund. I literally said that. Riders of the strong. Why didn't we do that when we were, when we were doing wide world? It was, oh, I don't know. It was hot. Yeah. We were just having to be in the shade. We were drinking out of fountains. But yeah, here's the sandwich.

Red snapper, strike one. Hard boiled eggs, strike two. Huge, huge thick slabs of red onion, uncooked, and red bell pepper. And then to cap it all off, feta cheese with, you guessed it, anchovies. I mean, I think if you replace the snapper with like chicken or roast beef, I would love that sandwich. If you get rid of the... Yeah, of course.

If it was a different sandwich, yeah, I bet it would be good. No, just the base meat. The rest of the crazy toppings would all go good if it just wasn't on snapper. What about sardines and hard boiled eggs? Get those out of there. Yeah, that part sounds good. I'm talking about a palm thickness cut of red onion Eating it in the graveyard as your dad's crying Think about that

Mm-hmm your dad's just weeping saying a silent prayer to Jim Morrison saying lizard king. We haven't forgotten No, he did not He's writhing Yeah Right, my dad just kept yelling, ride the snake. Yeah. Pressing his body up against the bars outside of the plot. We had to peel him away. Anyway, so the sandwich was bad and my dad was sad.

What did, uh, what did your dad eat that looked fake? I told you it looked like AI. It was like a bread bowl with hard-boiled egg and tuna fish. That was crazy. Olives, green olives. Yeah, I know. Yeah. So when we get home, Dave T's officially checking into the mental ward because we went and ordered sandwiches

and my dad was last in line. So when he comes out, he had the most time to, yeah, he has all the time in the world to figure out, huh, what is food I've seen before. So, and also, so my dad is like, Oh, pizza. I hear him say pizza. I'm like, well, I don't know what the fuck he's seeing over there, but I better call Brookstone and see if they still have the talent family room available. And, uh, so he comes out and it's that pizza you described. It was a round like personal pan size pizza. So it's a piece of bread painted with red sauce

and then on it there's a bed of tuna fish, green olives and hard boiled eggs. And we get home and I'm like, dad, hold on a minute. I gotta ask you something, what the fuck happened? And he says, I don't know what happened in there buddy. And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like picking it up and smelling it. And he's like, Oh, there's no cheese on this. And I'd said, dad,

where on this pizza do you see the possibility of cheese? And it wasn't, remember this pizza wasn't in a lead box, you know, it was wrapped in Saran wrap. He picked it off a shelf. And still he came home and was like, this is a weird pizza. There's no cheese on it. So yeah, I made him eat it. I made him eat the whole thing. I don't care.

He's crying. I mean, he would have made me. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, Oh, this would kill Jim. How old was he again? 28? Dad.

My dad's watching the Nuggets game in the next room. He's been very quiet. Oh, fuck. Nuggets are about to lose. Are they down? Yeah, down by six with 20 seconds left. It's not over. It's they scored eight points in the first quarter, which is

real rough. Finito, bro. There was an Italian guy at the show. I made him say the word OK. He said it exactly like I wanted him to say it. Slam dunk. I said, ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case. Okay. Okay.

We got, we got to tell people to check out the new wide world dog. Oh yeah. It was awesome. It was awesome. We did an experiment on this one. We put it out at 8 AM on Sunday to see if we would accrue a bunch of views over the course of Sunday. And I think that we shot ourselves in the foot, but it's very funny and we're all super funny. David Borey's hilarious. The VO I wrote, I had a fever, so it's just insane. It's pure insanity. That was the tail end of just a wild weekend of potting and stand up in vans. Mm-hmm.

Chavannagans. It was pure vanarchy. All right. Yeah. Oh, me and Clay had a million of those. I'm excited to watch it. I'm surprised that it's as long as the first episode, but the first episode worked even at 45 plus minutes.

And also, it's not just that we have a bunch of shit, it's also the fact that you're super funny, Bori's super funny, I'm keeping up. You know, Pat gets his shit in there. There's two cameras now as well as Pat's camera. There's just so much beautiful footage. The boys really cooked on this one. So yeah, I don't know. It's really, it's good. I hope people will say, Oh, I like this. And then they'll share it. That's what you can do. It was my birthday on May 2nd. No one said a word, but if you want to get me anything listener, why don't you share Wide World on your Instagram? Why don't you go ahead and do that or your Twitter if you're activated. Blue Sky, you

know, if, well, I don't know. Do we have any Blue Sky listeners? London, are you on Blue Sky? How's it going over there? I did not go over there. I was on Twitter. Threads. Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm getting suckered into threads pretty often because threads, man, there's the little, nah, who cares? It's, it's fine. But, uh, you know, between Facebook and Instagram, they'll always have like the little section where it's like, Oh, check out this thread. It's usually something but between Facebook and Instagram, they'll always have the little section where it's like, oh, check out this thread.

It's usually something that fucking grabs me. So I get in there and then I start scrolling threads, but no Blue Sky. Oh yeah, I was going to say, I was on Twitter for a long time, so I follow a lot of journalists and shit and I know it wouldn't be difficult to do that on Blue Sky, but I just don't want to, so I haven't. But it is a fucking cesspool. Because not too long ago, I went on the For You, oh yeah, god, fucked up my whole day. I went on the For You side of Twitter.

And normally it's like a lot of different clickbait, like stupid videos, a lot of them are funny, but it's random. And this day, for some reason, it was all fights. Every other post was like a fight in a school or a playground. I'm going to watch a fight or two, but they added up. I was in a weird mood the rest of the day. I was like, man, it's because I watched a bunch of high school kids wail on each other and half of the time, one of them doesn't want to fight. It's just such a weird exploit like every kid has their phone out. It's just so gross.

So that sucked. But I don't think I'm going to go over to Blue Sky. Well hey, if you're like Lund out there and you're getting nuked by the algo, why don't you come out and see us clear your brain? Come see us in Glasgow, London, London, Manchester. Come see us next week. I think there's 80% of tickets are sold, which is pretty cool. Eindhoven, Netherlands, the 31st, Boston.

I'm doing one show in Boston. I think most of the Fancy Lad crew will be there. Bring your boards. Eugene, Oregon, Brisbane, Melbourne, Sydney, Auckland, Perth, Dayton, Ohio, Salt Lake City, Irvine, Seattle, Charlotte, New Brunswick, Tempe, Royal Oak Burlington, Timonium, Denver, San Diego, Portland, Maine. Come out and see us. Becker will be at every one of those shows if he survives his surgery. He's going to hear everybody in the crowd. If you don't see Becker, a show coming up, it's because he's dead.

So just remember that. Becker, do you have anything you want to say to the world before you are taken away from it and might not return? No, I know I'm being a bitch and I'll be fine. That's okay. Becker, I didn't want to say this. You probably won't be okay. Well, I feel like we should say this, Becker.

We were going back and forth on whether we should tell you or not. I think we should. The anesthesiologist in Pueblo is a big fan and we paid him to get you a tattoo while you're under. Uh, so you won't feel it, but you will have another one. And so you maybe will freak out at the idea of the pain that you won't feel, but you'll know that it's a, I don't know. It's a Donnie Galina's tattoo. And it says,

what was it? A life in music, a life in music, 40 years and show and song. Yeah. Life in music. All right guys. I love you. Oh man. Join the Patreon.