Chubby Behemoth - Four Lemons

Episode Date: September 26, 2020

Voting for Ruben. Podcast enhancing drugs. Mushroom Head P.E.                Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Should we do it? Yeah. I'm scared. It's okay. You got this, dude. You're fine. Remember being scared? Yeah.

Remember when you used to be scared? Of course. Man, fuck that. Now I'm just mad. Well, yeah. Not mad that I feel anything. The older you get, you get mad instead of scared. Yeah.

I always think it's crazy when people want to go back to a simpler time when you were younger because there's more fear. There's less knowledge, less there's more fear there's less knowledge less awareness more fear yeah you're smaller you're unaware of you're powerless you're not physically strong right yeah who's a friend who's an enemy who's your dad who's your mom yeah where am i yeah where do shapes go when i shut my eyes i grew up in the woods what's that smell i don't i mean i wish i could go back to the time when I didn't have object permanence. It'd be great. I'd play Where's My Nose with myself in the mirror.

Yeah, easily entertained. Just fucking fill in. What's this? My hand? All right. I guess. Put it and your foot in your mouth. Because if you go back, you're also super flexible.

Because you don't have bones until you're, what, like seven? I think 17, actually. 17. Yeah, when you get puberty. Let me finish. Yeah. Are you still scared? Do you feel better?

I feel good now. Okay. Well, now that you reminded me that I was scared, I'm scared again. Oh, no. The fear is back. You're scared of memory. You know what's nice not drinking is one of my adult fears was always

don't get pulled over. Don't get pulled over. Yeah. And to not have that fear at all you kind of feel like you are never going to die. You're just like

hey if a cop pulls me over I don't have to give a fuck. You can just treat him like a guy. I would love to be able to treat a cop just like a guy who has a job. Yeah.

Yeah. Like yelling at a cop. Like, I honked at a cop once when they weren't turning in a left turn lane, and then he slowed down real hard in the left lane, and I went in the right lane. Oh, my God. And you figured he was coming for you? I was ready to go rob a bank. I felt so...

I was like, I'm untouchable, man. I'm going to go to jail and insult, you know... Never mind. This is another episode of Sam Catches Himself. This is the first episode of Sam Catches Himself. Instead of letting loose

with Captain Caboose. My dad does. So we're talking about getting drunk and driving. Old school. Yeah, having the most fun aka driving with your eyes closed oh god my mom uh i let her drive a block the other day for the first time no she has her license somehow because she goes to the kiowa dmv and they're just like ah come on in you know how many guys you got? Two? All right. Here you go. Are you white? Here's your license.

They stamp it. They give her a pail of hay, too. Don't eat it all in one place. My mom would drive down this street at night. She was like five white Russians deep. She was just cruising. It helps. Yeah, it was fun, man.

Well, let's just put it this way. The child's wake is on Saturday, and... The family is not happy. No, they're not stoked. But it was the bad twin, so they're happy about that. It wasn't the good son. The one with the goatee? Yeah, the seven-year-old boy with the goatee.

My mom's like, I knew he was evil. I got him. We just ate a bunch of noodles. Noodles and good company Noodles and bad company is even better Just crank it Bad company I found a new song Okay

This one's been cracking me up No one likes when a man gets nude. No one likes a wet, dripping dude. No one likes when a man gets nude. That's pretty good. Thank you. That's a fun one. Yeah.

That one reverberates real well when I go to the library and bother homeless people. I figured you were in the shower singing it to yourself. No, I go to the library and de-louse homeless people. Throw some talc in their face. Surprise! Tard and feathered. That's fun to think about what that could mean. If it wasn't the one you're thinking.

Just a developmentally disabled guy covered in down. Well, now you got another level. There's a lot going on there. A new level. What else has been going on? You know, this election is driving me up the wall. This election.

What are we going to call the Washington football team? I'm scared. The fear is back. I think the wagon burners. Jesus. Go fear is back. I think the wagon burners. Jesus. Go the other way. Dan Snyder's revenge. That'd be great.

The DCWBs? The Red Devils? The Red Devils? I'm saying, what if they went the other way and they were defiant? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The election, yeah. I haven't decided who to vote for. I've narrowed it down.

Yeah. I think I'm gonna vote for Ruben Studdard. Nice. That's the yes from me, dawg. Ruben did not win. He lost to Clay Aiken, I believe. I prefer the Count of Monte Cristo. If we're gonna go with sandwich-based singers or performers...

Rubin versus Monte Cristo? Yeah. Deep-fried pancake sanguine? I'll go Monte Cristo... Yeah. Nine times out of ten? Yeah, I mean, if you're allowed to have one. A good Rubin, though, is great. It's transcendent.

It's really good. He wasn't a good Rubin. He was a bad Rubin. He had a tiny head. Yeah, he did. He looked like Lavelle Crawford in reverse. Lavelle Crawford, one of the best jokes ever. People say, Lavelle, why are you breathing so hard?

And I say, because I'm trying to live. One of my top favorite jokes ever. Also, that's not racist. That sounds like LBelle Crawford that's LaBelle I thought he was here I wish he was here speaking of I want to suck my own dick

for a second here we go like a baby without any bones that's right like a baby at six and a half no one talks about those babies sucking themselves off babies often survive drunk driving accidents because they have no bones and they don't tense up. The baby that my mom hit, not a survivor.

Just tensed up. There's another white bicycle on the side of the road. God's game. That dude, Donovan O'Donnell, tried to get away with that. Tried to tell like a Chicago joke in Paris, and it had to do with white bicycles, right? Oh, my God.

Didn't he swing and a miss at one of the shows we did? Yeah, he was like, so, you know, when you're down by the bean, you know? Yeah, you're in the good part of Chicago, like Linkin Park. You're waiting to go to a White Sox game and your hot beef is dripping. Yeah, the Parisians were like, what is this, man? White bicycle, what does this mean? Is this some type of popular bicycle? Is it a representation for the existential being of man?

It was his closer too he did okay I think he had a couple other references where they were like maybe they kind of knew what he was talking about and then the big closer was about white bicycles and then man, second too late

he was like, you guys don't know what I'm talking about and he looks like a calzone with a mouth in it he looks like the drawingzone with a mouth in it. Just like, he looks like the drawing of the Moon Pie mascot. He's coming to town. Do you have to do his show? No.

He's doing a show in Civic Center Park on Saturday. Like his traveling truck show where he parks his truck. This isn't interesting. Len, you were about to self-flate. You were about to mouth-mast your own ass. Oh, I was going to suck my own dick because... You can. Your sister Sophia said that in one of the episodes when I did my Dr. Kev, she thought that he was in the room. Yeah, my sister's also dumb as hell.

Well, let's edit that part out. No, she knows. Let's sell the impression. Yeah. Pretty cool. Ladies's sell. The impression. Yeah. Pretty cool. Wait, is Dr. We're tricking people. Is someone at the front door?

Let me get it. Okay. Oh, hey, it's Ray Romano. Holy shit. Uh, hello. Hey, Ray. Hey, I saw that the truck out front was for sale, and I want to make a hot Ferrari.

Is that cool? Also, stuff's rough at home. Can I crash for a couple of days? Well, yeah, it must be rough. You've got twin daughters, I believe. Oh, you're telling me. Yeah, I can't tell them apart. One's name is Little Ray.

The other one's Roberta. I don't know. Named after... My TV brother. Yeah. That's a good way to honor the show and the people behind it. He's a good way to honor the show And the people behind it He's a good guy you know Alright

Maybe go talk to the neighbors about that truck Okay I'll go over there Do you guys have like 20 bucks I can hold You need 20 dollars They froze my cards Because I was buying child porn or something. Someone was. Someone was.

Somebody. Maybe one of your daughters. Well, hopefully they were just trying to learn what to do. I can't believe Sam hasn't said a word this whole time. He's just starstruck. Is that who that was at the door? I don't know where he went. Oh, he's outside.

Maybe he's going to try to talk the neighbor down on the price of that truck. That would be a real nice move. Save you a few bucks. I'm sure you're obviously hurting, I guess. It's Sam's wife home. I got this rash on my back. I wanted to take a look. A look-see.

She's at the hospital. I can't go there. Stole too much insulin for my wife. She's diabetic? No, she's got a side hustle. Oh, she marks it up? Yeah, we've had a tough time ever since they took King of Queens off the air. That was your favorite show to watch.

Yeah, that really brought us together as a family. It's a great family sitcom. I like that guy, Kevin Nealon. Kevin Nealon, yeah, SNL. You know what I think? When they play the National Anthem, it should be Kevin standing. Did that hit? That hit with me.

That's a yes from me, dog. I'm into it. You guys voting for Ruben too? We were just talking. Funny that you would bring up a decade old American Idol. But that's what we were talking about. You interrupted our American Idol

section of the pod. Yeah, I like the cut of talking about. You interrupted our American Idol section of the pod. Yeah, I like the cut of his chin. He's a real crooner. He's one of the good ones, you know? You know, Lavelle and Randy, Bruce Bruce. Earthcake. Is that his name? Did you know, I heard that Bruce Bruce was able to buy his dream home.

Oh, really? That's good for Bruce. It's just a sprawling, yeah, it's Bruce Bruce was able to buy his dream home oh really that's good for Bruce it's just a sprawling Bruce Bruce Manor he's a big Batman fan so yeah I'm really happy for him let the kids run around hey are you going to do anything with that joke because I'm trying to build my new hour

I can sell it to you oh yeah well are you interested in a trade perhaps I could do one of your jokes yeah mayhaps you can do one of my old bits eh sure yeah

do a good one well if you did that that one I did earlier that everyone loved so much I could have that yeah well yeah I'll take it one I did earlier that everyone loved so much. I could have that. Yeah, well... Yeah, I'll take it. Okay. That seems equitable. Yeah, fair trade.

Fair trade, but for I prefer NATO. Oh, sure. Yeah, now we're getting political. Well, I don't, you know, I already said I'm voting for Rubin, so if the scabs rift up, let's let it bleed. Sure, yeah.

Old bleeding heart Ray. Yeah, I do have a rip in my valve. How did you know that? There's a little blood coming out of your mouth, and so I thought maybe it was... It's manicured. Jesus Christ. Well, thanks for coming by Ray I think we should probably Get back to the podcast

You know what It seems like a pretty good gift to have On your little radio show Less is more when it comes to Celebrity drop ins Oh okay Can I just all hang out on the couch for a while Oh yeah Let this buzz wear off Catch your breath Oh, okay. Well, can I just all hang out on the couch for a while?

Oh, yeah. Let this buzz wear off. Catch your breath. Yeah. Oh, excuse me. I had some spichooch for lunch. Classic Italian dish, spichooch. Yeah, I had some spichooch and some gabaguo. And I got the bleeding nose now.

Oh, yeah. You're bleeding out of your mouth and your nose. Or it's na-na. It could be your mama's son of a gravy. I don't know, man. It sounds like something's going on with your speech. I can't feel the left side of my boy.

Does anyone smell a butter toast? I don't smell anything, Ray, except for a great episode. Oh, is King of Queens on you? Yeah, TBS, man. Oh, hey, I got my rides here. Just to fire up the old... Oh, sure, yeah, you got to get out of here. All right, well, yeah, send Sam back in on your way out.

He must be having a smoke or something. Okay, thanks for having me. Sure, Ray Romano, everybody. R-I-P-R-B-G. That's right, yeah. I love to... We made love once, everybody. R.I.P. R.B.G. That's right, yeah. I loved her. We made love once. Necessarily.

That sounds like your ride left. He missed the boat and the motorcycle. Oh, gobble gobble. All right, Ray's running out the door, apparently. He thinks he can catch a motorcycle that has taken off. Hey, where did... Was that Ray Romano? Dude, what?

Where'd you go? I was outside. I had to take the trash out. It's trash night. Oh, okay. Well, unfortunately, yeah, you somehow missed Ray Romano coming in your front door. Is that the guy that let in? Yes.

At the beginning of that? That was Ray Romano. Oh, my God. Who'd you think it was? I thought it was Brad Garrett. He swings by all the time. That wouldn't have been big Ray Romano. Oh, my God. Who'd you think it was? I thought it was Brad Garrett. He swings by all the time. That wouldn't have been big news. Right.

Oh, okay. Yeah, no, it was the other one. The other guy. That's crazy. King of Queens. Did you hear about him and that CP thing? No. They busted him with a bunch of child porn.

Yikes. I hear he's having a tough time. Yeah. Everybody loves child porn, I guess. Who's here? I don't think anybody's here no what are you gonna do your brad garrett now oh what did somebody ask for me brad garrett i don't know does that sound like him am i doing it i think brad's gone i think ray's gone i think it's just us is this how Ray, is this how I sound?

Is that an accurate depiction of Brad Garrett? You guys are both 6'5", and you won't shut up. You and Brad Garrett. I'm glad Ray could make it. That's pretty good. We got Ray Romano on the pod. I'm glad you got to talk to him. I did get to talk to him briefly. Did he say who he was voting for?

He's a Reuben guy. Fuck, man. Alright. Man, these noodles have tuckered me out. I don't know if it was missing Ray Romano for so long or what it was, but I'm... Is he actually in trouble for CP? No. Well, no. Are you Googling it?

Yes. You're Googling Ray Romano child porn? Yeah. You're on a watch list. Let's see what that looks like. I googled Ray Romano news because I'm not an idiot. That'd be awesome if you found Ray Romano child

porn and it's a couple of kids pretending to be Ray Romano and his wife. Oh. He has like a wig on. Coming clear. I don't make seed yet love it's coming out

it looks like the glue you make slime from but yeah the point that got us here was that I've got a pretty good Dr. Kev so that's pretty neat Jake you can slice and dice through there for the good stuff

you do have a great Dr. Kev, man. Oh, thank you. I've often said it. He just turned 69 years young. Well, how'd he celebrate? Happy birthday, Dr. Kev. They got me two six candles, so I just flipped one upside down. It burned the cake.

Hey, Dr. Kev, out of nowhere with the call. Get out of here, Dr. Kev. We got him on the sound board. I wonder if Dr. Kev knows Ray Romano. Should we get them both back in here? God, I don't even know if we can handle that much star power. We'd have to call NASA. Hey, we got a couple of shooting stars flying through the sky.

Hey, turn on the telescope, because you're going to want to see this one. We're merging to download. You know what would be fun? Is a radio talk show guy, like a morning guy, like a howling uh, what's that guy, Wolfman Jack? Sure, yeah. Oh, hey, how you doing? You know, but he just has

Alzheimer's and no one can tell. He talks in like that weird scat thing. Yeah. It's the ones and twos. What's the news? Turn up the tubes. Where am I? Oh. Yeah, people just nod and smile.

What are you, playing any Thin Lizzy coming up? No, we're about to cut the fat with some fog. Open the chute because I don't know who my family is. He's just in hospice care. When my dad had to put his dad into a home, you know, they... Your grandpa, typically, is what we call him. Well, my dad's dad. Yeah, your grandpa, you idiot.

Yeah, well, my dad had to bring him... My dad's involved, idiot. I know, but you couldn't just say, when my dad took my grandpa to hospice. Sure, yeah, clean it up, punch it up. Work on your Ray Romano instead of trying to figure out the best way for me to tell my story. Okay. When my dad had to talk to the head of the hospital.

When my dad had to talk to the head of the hospital. The nursing home, they have questions, you know, where they determine your level of competence. The shit that Donald Trump did. My grandpa did not ace it. Because they were like, Bob, do you know who the president is? And my grandpa goes, You?

And they said, No. And then he goes, Me? And they said, no. And then he goes, me? And they're like, oh, yeah, you're supposed to be here. Come on in, Bob. Talk about fear. We were scared of him because he was bedridden.

He had diabetes and had a stroke or like two strokes. Sure. They had to cut one of his legs off at the knee. So he was in bed all the time. All lefty. Remember that? Sure. From Mortal Kombat.

Yeah. But yeah, so we would just like have to like try and make it past his bedroom door without him like grunting at us or else we had to go in there. It just smelled like death, you know. He was like, hey, look, come on, let's have some fun. I'm a real son of a gun. Who the hell are you?

You got a request for the request line. It's me, your dad's dad. AKA grandpa in some cultures. Not yours. Where'd my leg go? Oh, God. Yeah, he forgets where his leg is every 20 seconds. Y'all playing hide the leg?

Crack an egg! You heard what I say. Must be Tuesday. We're playing hide the leg. So, yeah, that was a fun story about Grandpa. But, yeah, he... It was a fun Grandpa story. He wasn't the fun one. I had a fun that my mom's dad

was uh was fun grandpa he was papa yeah he was more active so he was the one that would play a lot of handball no no hbc's for him he was a mall walker he would walk at the mall in the morning my grandpa was a mall stalker he would not not supposed to be in there. Yeah, he would go watch those girls who make the lemonade at the hot dog stand and just drool. Yeah, that's good. Go ahead. Whip up the lemonade. We should probably talk about that. Before this, I

said HBC, you know, and before I even got the C out, Becker went handball court? So that's our producer, everyone. That's where his mind is. He's trying to white rush. He's always trying to smack a ball against the wall. He's trying to Puerto Rican wash.

People call certain sports, like, poor, you know, some are for, like, richer people, like hockey or football, because there's equipment. Tennis, equestrian, fencing. Yeah, but, like, handball has to be the lowest rung. I think kick the can. Okay, yeah. Dog fighting. And then handball's right above that.

Indian leg wrestling. That one anyone can do except for your grandpa. Yeah, he was not good at that. He was getting wiped up. Nobody bet on him. You know, I had a fun grandpa, Grandpa Ova, my dad's dad, who would moon people. And, you know, one time he, like, took his pants off because he was hot while driving. Just fun stuff.

Used to eat a lot of KFC. He would eat KFC chicken and he would chase it with a ding dong. He would go, like, bite for bite, chicken leg, ding-dong. He made his own soda. He made his own Pepsi, which had milk in it for some reason. That is what Pepsi's missing, is a little bit of milk. Every time I crack a can, I'm like, man, I want a little milk in here. I wish this had some lactic acid. That'd be good.

I wish there was a little creaminess to this soda pop. One time he sat in a hammock and it twisted him up. My uncle found him three days later. I think it was three hours later. He was like, Grandpa, are you okay? I didn't want to bother anybody. Just turning into a butterfly.

But the other grandpa, Sirius William Taylor, William Baird Taylor, my middle namesake. That's a thing. Baird and Baird. He was Baird. I'm Baird Taylor, my middle namesake. That's a thing. Baird and Baird. He was Baird, I'm Baird. Nice. You're embarrassed for not knowing? Real HPC over here.

I'm laid bare. Hardly brain confident. That's you. My grandpa Taylor on his deathbed. He gathered me, my aunt, my uncle, my mom, my dad, my sister, my cousins. Gathered us all around his bed in the hospice. And he was a man of formalities. You know, he liked to dress up and go dancing.

I remember at his funeral, his girlfriend came up and was like, Me and Taylor had 15 beautiful years. And my Aunt Julie was like, My mom died 12 years ago. That was a fun revelation. Whoops. Yeah. I like the idea that she's still his girlfriend. They're, like, still dating.

But he's dead. In death, yeah. Yeah. We didn't break up. We'll be together in heaven. Because your mother's in hell, Betsy. I'll be able to get a word in. So, gather this around the deathbed, and he's like,

you know, General Patton, when his men finished the war, he said, men go on and live bright lives. But I, all I see is darkness. but I all I see is darkness Betsy, Julie you've been good daughters it's been an honor to be your father love you all very much

goodbye and he leaned back on his pillow and went vampire style crossed his arms like Count Dracula and he just leaned back and shut his eyes went vampire style. Crossed his arms. Yes. Like Count Dracula. And he just leaned back and shut his eyes. And my mom starts crying.

My Aunt Julie's weeping. We're like, Grandpa, no. We want to talk to you. Blah, blah, blah. Grandpa. And he refuses to answer any questions. Everyone's weeping, shaking his leg. He's gone. And then after about two minutes, I just see one of his eyes slowly

open up. Take a little look to see if everyone's still there, then shuts it back down. And then he lived for like six weeks after that. He didn't even tap out. He tried to pretend like he was asleep

instead of letting everyone have closure. He just wanted to leave. He just wanted everyone out of there. It's time for the people's court. Please, please leave. General Custis once said that Family Feud is the greatest show on television. And it is not to be missed.

That shock-dressed gentleman. My grandpa, you know, he wouldn't have said it. It was a different time. This was the 90s. My grandpa, his claim to fame was he owned Kunta Kinte. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, his family apparently owned Kunta Kinte, and he would bring that up at Thanksgiving. To a bunch? Yeah, like David Borey's over at Thanksgiving, and he's like, David, how are you? Time to relate to an African American. Listen to this. David, did you know what I call Brazil nuts? Grandpa, no!

I have to run it in slow motion. Trying to flick the spoonful of mashed potato into his mouth in time to shut him up. Oh, man. But yeah, grandpas are cool. Grandpas. Kind of a mixed bag. Well, I say grandpas. Dad's dads are cool. My daddy daddy.

Yeah, daddy's papa. The daddy of my daddy is my papi. And the daddy of my mommy is my enemy. My parents grew up on opposite sides of the same street. My dad was the bad boy. Rick Lund.

Yeah, tearing ass in old muscle cars and shit. My mom was the goody goody. Your dad's just blasting Buddy Holly really loud. Smoking Lucky Strikes. Pompadour brushback. His go-to is Sweet Emotion

by Aerosmith. Oh, yeah. When I would hear Sweet Emotion, either my parents... It's time to go play some handball. Yeah, either my parents were banging or he was like feeling himself or something. He was like feeling young. He'd like blast sweet emotion. Solid riff, but I mean, come on. What about Mississippi Queen by Mountain?

That's my go-to. When I'm banging? When I'm following my wife? Yeah, it's less than three minutes long. Two and a half minutes is all you

need, baby. It's all you need, baby. 75 pumps. The last 30 seconds. Isn't that what Bernie

Mack said? Fucking ain't nothing more than 50 pumps. Yeah, I think he might have

said like 35. 17 pumps. One for every year you get. Bernie. Yeah, I think he might have said like 35. 17 pumps. One for every year you get. Bernie. I'm voting for Bernie. Bernie Mac.

I'm a Bernie bro. Bernie Mac. Let me finish. Bernie Mac. That would have been, damn it. Where was that when we were dealing with all that Bernie bro shit? I don't know. Could have gone viral with that.

That would have been the move. Instead of with this rare jungle flu that I have. I ate a couple scorpions at Stanhope's. Yeah, you were back out there. Yeah, like a month ago. No, no, you were back out there. Yeah. You've been out there a couple times, though. I am, yeah.

They got Stanhope Manor. They built me a wing. Chicken wing. Turkey wing. Punch it up. How about that? That's punching up. I'm going to have diarrhea pretty quick.

Whenever I eat Szechuan chili oil The fucking Dam of Da Nang really breaks You know I meant to bring it up when we were talking About Hiker but Hiker and I Were part of a festival Comedy festival last year And it was

It wasn't a jazz festival? You didn't dust off the trombone? This was my dad's dad. It was a step competition. Introduced me to this festival. No, it was just... It was the worst because it was a contest

and contests are always annoying. But then... It was also in South Dakota. Hotbed of comedy. It wasn't in South Dakota because I don't want to blow up anybody's spot but it was in one of the Dakotas

and it was a contest and like the second day that we were there that there were a bunch of us from Denver but like the second day a bunch of us

looked up one of the judges because she was like the celebrity judge she was like from wherever we were in one of the judges because she was like the celebrity judge she was like from wherever we were in one of the dacotes yeah and uh so she was a celebrity judge like who the hell is this so we look her up and she was on like a reality show for being tall and so she's like a tlc show yeah yeah like hey look how huge this fucking idiot is yeah not even like a reality show just

they did a segment on her no no she was she was on the she was on one of the shows where they had whoa look at that freak yeah they adapted it from deuce bigelow right wasn't it called that's a huge bitch yeah that was the that was my life was a huge bitch uh but yeah so we look her up and she was in these videos with one of the comics that yeah cut his name out that's for the patreon we'll dish on the patreon but uh no she uh was friends with one of the comics and guess who won? That comic. It was very frustrating to be a part of. Luckily we were able to have a good time because it was very pretty up there. One of the comics knew a guy

who lived up there so we got to ride four wheelers and have a nice day. Yeah, I think that's the guy's name. I didn't get to meet him. He was out of town. So yeah, the comedy part was annoying. It sucked. But we got to have fun on this dude's property.

One time I shot a shotgun while riding a four-wheeler on that guy's property. Oh, yeah. Day drunk on Coors Lights. That's living, dude. Yeah. So, yeah, after a while where Brett Heiker and Mitch Jones were on the four-wheelers. The gruesome twosome. Yeah.

Mitch Jones got on a four wheeler? Mitch Jones was able to get on, it was a big four wheeler. He was just popping a wheelie the whole time? He was on two four, he was on an eight wheeler. He was riding on a caterpillar.

Riding on two. Mitch was on that backhoe. Yeah, they were, they were digging up burial mounds. They were gone for a while and we were like,

ah shit, maybe, you know, one of the four wheelers broke down or something. Or maybe it exploded underneath Mitch. Maybe, yeah, maybe Mitch was too much man. Maybe Mitch ate the four-wheeler.

Mitch got hungry. So a couple of us rode out to find them, and we came. On horseback? No, I think we had two more four-wheelers. Nice. Fucking 16 wheels. Yeah, a lot of wheels out there in one of the blank Dakota. Yeah, you were up in an oil field

in Mandan. But we come across them and Brett and Mitch had gotten off of their four-wheelers and they were petting two horses. It was so funny to be kind of worried. You guys literally rounded up a convoy.

Hopefully they didn't wreck. You guys had a posse to go hunt for Mitch. Yeah, and then they're just petting horsies. We're like, Mitch, no! No, friend, Mitch! Friend! Not food! It was not for eating!

I like that. That old story of yours getting caught trying to smoke weed that was up here wasn't it were you in Fort Collins when you got caught trying to smoke weed out of an apple and you somebody found you and you got scared and you were like friend what did you say it was in the alley behind comedy works oh I thought it was up here

yeah no and that lady some lady came out of the alley like one of the doors of those fancy restaurants on Larimer Square. She's wearing like a ferret skin coat. She, you know, she was like dutted up, diamonds and pearls and shit. Oh, shit. And I was crouched down, sitting on like an apple box, smoking weed out of an aforementioned apple. Apple on your head.

Yeah. Apple bottom jeans. I had my apple computer open. I was looking up sauce recipes and she looked down and she went like and I went no friend which is exactly what a monster would say

if you were to catch a monster yeah so funny no friend she was like she didn't believe you probably the right move no no one should trust me when i'm huffing out of produce sounds like a lie pot packed produce partner it's a nice way to smoke

weed out of an apple sucks kind of after you know after you're done you eat the apple you have to use a match because the butane really sears you. You're too close. And I always put a carb in mine. Yeah, you've got to be careful not to blast your own face with the flame. Yeah, I'm not good at that. I'm not good at simple tasks. You ever been around one of those lunatics that will do it to a banana? Whoa.

No, but I really got into a carrot pipe phase, carrot chillum. Nice. That was a big thing. I was doing that. I would freeze it overnight so I still had access to it. The next day it would just be wilted and

disgusting and I'm scraping resin out of a carrot because I was an artist, you know. Putting the carrot in your ass. Yeah. Forgetting which

end to smoke out of. Banana pipe. Yeah, it's like the same idea as an apple pipe but you can do it with a banana. I feel like it's too wet. Yeah, the whole like the same idea as an apple pipe, but you can do it with a banana. I feel like it's too wet. Yeah, the whole thing's like a delicate mess. But it works. It's a nice

pipe because the distance is better. It's a better pipe. Yeah, I like a yam. Okay. A yam's real nice and long, phallic. And after you get all stoned, it's like you're blowing a horn to summon some kind of unicorn. Uh-oh! phallic. And after you get all stoned, it's like you're blowing a horn to summon some kind of unicorn. Uh.

What else can you smoke on? Let's milk this. You shouldn't have had those noodles before this pod, man. This one sucks. We've had episodes where we were very hungry and episodes where we were very full. And I feel like

we need the sweet spot. We need a couple calories to burn but with some hunger still in the belly. We should just start doing lines before we pod. Just be cranked. That's cheating. Cheating ain't eating. That's podcast enhancing drugs.

I would love... You should break edge and just start doing blow in the daytime. There's no edge for me to break. I just don't drink. Well, put on Sweet Emotion. Crank it. You can be young Rick. I'm tiny Rick.

Hey, it's me, little Rick Lund. This is my dad. He's crazy. Yeah, I'm not straight edge here, man. I don't like cocaine, though. I think I had good cocaine once and bad cocaine 15 times. And so I was like, I'm done.

Like, what? Unless I could have the real deal. But I wouldn't want to have to buy it, so... I only do cocaine when I'm wearing linen. That sounds like a good move. If I'm wearing a linen suit or I have a choker on. It's gotta be leather or linen. You're always wearing a choker or I have a choker on. It's got to be leather or linen. You're always wearing a choker.

Well, no, that's just my collar. That'd be a good little bit of video. Is you walking me on a leash down the middle of Fort Collins, down Old Town. And I just go up and I drink out one of those dog dishes. I lift my leg and piss my pants. How's that? now we're potting what pants is my ritual I'd have to wear white pants

no I'd have to wear khakis so people can see the stream they can see that the moisture spreading where my dick would be yeah that's funnier than actually peeing lifting your leg when you're acting like a dog. Soaking your shorts.

I've watched a lot of random wrestling videos on YouTube, and it's gotten to the point where the one that they want me to watch now is like, 11 times wrestlers peed themselves. And I'm like, I don't care. Damn. I have to watch less wrestling videos. Yeah, you got to the bottom of the algorithm. Yeah, so I don't have to worry about this shit.

Oh, good. I can have to worry about this shit. Oh, good. I can watch Jeff Hardy pee his pants. I bet if Jeff Jarrett used to piss his pants a lot. They probably all do. Who cares? He's like a pants pisser. Didn't Andre used to do shit on people? Andre... I think there's a story or two where

he... Yeah, I think... I can't think of who it would have been, but somebody he didn't like, yeah, he like sat on their chest and then... I think he shat on Scott Hall. I don't think it was Scott Hall. I think, I can't think of who it would have been, but somebody he didn't like, yeah, he like sat on their chest and then dumped. I think he shat on Scott Hall. I don't think it was Scott Hall. I think it might have been before. No. Maybe when Scott Hall was coming up.

Yeah, I think it wasn't on purpose. When he was young. Andre like, you know, ate a bunch of escargots, shells and all. Just champagne. Yeah, champagne and snails. And then drank 75 Bud Lights and then had to work a real barn burner and shat all over Scotto. Oh, God. And that's a lot of diarrhea.

Right, yeah. There wouldn't be, like, any other way to explain it. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's getting sweaty in there. Oh, Andre's busted wide open. That's not blood, baby. That's brown. You know, the french people do have butt periods that's how they can describe it we uh here we go when we were in france when we were in paris

we encountered a fun local you remember there was uh there was a group of us uh walking and sharpie was out ahead yeah and there was a guy on the street with his shoes off he had shoes but they were like next to him and he was sitting

on the sidewalk and as we got closer he like popped up and turned around and spread his butt at us and farted at us

yeah he directed finflatulence at us at Sharpie because he was in the lead he was the first one to smell him. Yeah.

It was pretty funny. It was pretty great. That was my favorite part of Paris. Sharpie getting farted at. Yeah, I mean, I liked that guy when we were standing there and this little brown fellow walks by with a bunch of roses he was selling and just slapped us each in the gut real quick. That ruled that was also very funny yeah he did not say a word no he just just yeah just a slap and a slap and he just kept moving it was very funny it was

very funny and that's the thing when you're telling funny stories the trick to saying afterward is that that was very funny that's's why everyone knows it was a funny story. You gotta make sure that they realize the point. Was it supposed to be informative or elicit some type of anger response? No, it was funny. Damn, I wish Ray Romano would come back. Yeah, you're the only one.

He was kind of hard to understand. He sounded like my dad's dad. Welcome to my dad, my dad's dad, and me. I'm just kidding. My dad's dad is d-d-d-d-dad. Oh, oh.

Oh, he's Wolfman. Jacked. I'm in hell. Hey, it's me, Brickland. Hey, welcome to hell. Do you know who the president is? Who? Wrong answers only. What if he was like, you?

And they were like, no. And he was like, me? And they were like, yeah. Sweet emotion comes on. He's just getting head. Grandpa's automatically getting head now. It rules now. It's the greatest lie of all time.

That there's torture and shit. It's like, no. It's cool. Dodgeball 24-7. I used to try to do a joke about that like why would satan be mad at the people that were like on his team like hey we were fucking shit up up there why are you gonna jam a poker in my dick hole that's not cool like wow i'm a satan guy yeah it's one of the many things that christians don't have an answer for i'm always owning christians on the web why do you keep

trying to stop yourself from laughing because i don't want the whole podcast just be people love it they love a designated laugher i want you to laugh i'm brand like a jackass over here well i'm trying to have a little restraint time me down daddy time it down time you put the needle in so here's what we got to do we got to get a leash and a collar yours you're back on the dog thing i never got off the dog do the dog do the dog catch up yeah all right all right we got that blasting out of the wagon you're uh behind the wagon Yeah you're in a wagon You got a bone in your mouth I got a bone in my pants

I got a bone to pick with you What I'm on board I'm on the wagon This episode sucks we're fucked This is the end of an era Jake will fix it in post Sweeten the Sweeten the spiel

Is that Ringer Mono Jake will fix it in post. Sweeten the spiel. Is that Ringer Mono? Fuck off. You got me with the look. You fuck. I walked my mom yesterday by the river. With a leash. Was she off leash?

She was off leash, yeah. No, she was in her chair. I'm pushing her wheelchair. She's got a little boom box. Blastin' sweet emotion. Over her head. Yeah. Dump, dump, down, oh, get down.

So, no, but we had Gordy, too. So Gordy's in front. I'm pushing my mom. It was a real who's walkin' who situation. She's crankin' the tunes. Yeah, she's got the tunes up. You know, just Mushroomhead. The Ghetto Blaster. She's playing head P.E. A bunch of headbands. Oh, Hey Bartender, hit me with a double.

Is that who does that song? Yeah. Wow. Yes. What was I going to say? You had a Motley Crue. You're blasting Motley Crue. Damn it. You're walking down the river. You got me with the head P.E. stuff. You brought up head P.E. and mushroom head.

Two bands that I've never heard of. I like the super group Mushroom Head P.E. I like when they teamed up. Something was lost in the team up. I didn't think... Sometimes better separate, you know? Too Many Cooks. Yes.

Too Many Cooks was a, Too Many Cooks was a great example of internet comedy. You think you're sick of it, but then there's another ten minutes. And next thing you know, you're laughing again. What a revelation. What was the deal with your fucking mom and Gordy? I don't know. She's retarded.

You're pushing her along. What happened? Gordy smell I don't know. She's retarded. You're pushing her along. What happened? Gordy, smell something? Fuck. I don't know. Something funny. Remember that one time when we were in Chicago hanging out with that dude I went to elementary school with? And we were at a guy's house who had those dogs.

And they came running up the stairs. So yeah, that was pretty good. We're in Chicago. These dogs, one of them was like this giant Rottweiler with three legs. Very sweet dog, but huge. And so the dogs had to go down flights of stairs to get to the backyard. And they were coming back up. And I say to the group, I was like, that Rottweiler just comes up here with a human head in its mouth.

I immediately realized this dude that I grew up with, his mom was killed by rabid dogs. His mom was free. How was that? But that was a story from the 20th century to death there were just these dogs that were in a

forest preserve and they teamed up packed up and and she was she was jogging through

the forest preserve and they fucking attacked her and she died she was savage it was it was so it was the worst I could feel in a moment.

Just that pit in your stomach of, what have I done? And he didn't react. He just, I think, got a little more drunk than he would have if I hadn't said that. Reminded his mom, got torn apart by dogs. Yeah, dude. It was so funny. And I wanted to apologize but i didn't want to like dwell on it so it just was it just hung there for a second and it was

only him and me that would have known what happened like i had to tell sam later yeah it would be funny if we were there and you're like time out guys steve i gotta tell him yeah i gotta explain it i gotta say i gotta tell them why that's funny It's kind of an inside joke Between me and Steve Oh man, just the worst I wanted to put my foot in my mouth Instead of a human head That dog put a foot in its mouth and swallowed it The dog put my foot in its mouth

And I was like, oh, I was half right God damn, yeah, that ruled That was super funny Just the times when When I think of times where I blew it, like Rick Lund always hated when we blew it as kids. Like you always had to like, like everything had to be right.

You know, like even though we were dumb little kids, we had to like, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, know what we wanted to eat before we ordered, you know,

before the waitress came over or just like, we couldn't get too excited and run before we ordered, you know, before the waitress came over. Or just like we couldn't get too excited and run around the house, you know. And so I still have that. Like the other day I remembered a time, but probably the dumbest thing I ever did was the summer after my freshman year in college, I bussed tables at a restaurant in a casino in Henderson, Nevada. And this woman had iced tea or wanted lemon with her water. I bussed tables at a restaurant in a casino in Henderson, Nevada. And this woman had iced tea or wanted lemon with her water. She's like, can I get some lemons? I said, sure.

I go in and just grab four lemons, a handful of lemons in my hand. And I bring them out to her. Here's your lemons. And the look she gave me was, you know, I'll never forget it because the look meant, holy shit, you're so fucking stupid. Why would you bring out a bare handful of lemons?

I didn't realize how stupid it was until I saw the look in her face. And I was just like, oh, uh, I could, I could put them in a bowl. She was like, no,

forget it. You said I could put them in a bowl she was like no forget it you said I could put them in a bowl that was your solution I think I wanted to give her new lemons in a bowl but she wasn't trusting me she knew she could not trust me with anything

surprised I gave her a menu instead of a stick of dynamite or something it was so bad. Oh, fuck. You're so stupid. Yeah, dude. I was, what, 19? I was an adult.

I could vote. I could smoke. She's like, oh. I could go to war. They took a chance on the special needs young man. Yes, for sure. He set up bus tables in here. Yes.

When he's on the halfway house. That's what she was thinking for sure. A bunch of tables in here. Yes. When he's on the halfway house. That's what she was thinking for sure. Yeah. But without any of the mercy. She didn't show any mercy. It was like, well, it was a mistake. Obviously. You got to hire from the top of the pile.

Oh, my God. Four, too. What? Four lemons. Yeah. Not just a lemon would have been insane. You came with a four wheeler's worth of lemons. Yeah, dude.

Oh, man. Lund. I put them in Mitch Jones' mouth and then brought him over on a leash. Had them fall out of it from his mouth to the table. That would have been only slightly worse. Yeah man, so that's just burned into my... That's deathbed. I'll probably apologize for that as I'm dying.

As I'm going out, I'm just like, sorry about the lemons. And they're like, what? Grandpa, we gotta put him in another home. Uh oh, dad's dad's losing it. My dad's dad! Oh, fuck dude. I love when you're dumb. You're supposed to be the smart one.

That's the thing is you want everyone to think you're smart and I don't want anyone to know I'm smart. So I try and play super dumb. Oh, yeah, when you wrote that book with a bunch of words that you had to look up in the fancy dictionary. Yeah, I did. I went to the top shelf for that. That's another word for shiny.

Ooh, obsequious. Ooh. Oh. Radiant. Ooh. Oh. Radiant. Ooh. Glimmerful. No, but that was the thing about that book. People read it and they're like, holy shit, I thought you were an idiot.

This is a work of transcendent art. If they saw your act, yeah, they'd be like, who wrote this book? Yeah, my act is so dumb. Purposefully. Fudge Judge. Closing on Fudge Judge. Yeah. And then writing the literary sensation of the year. Everyone hates Fudge Judge. Closing on Fudge Judge. Yeah. And then writing the literary sensation of the year.

Everyone hates Fudge Judge. Yeah. Except for crowds. Crowds love Fudge Judge. No, they don't. They literally do. When I filmed my special, 13 shows, we had to watch it, editing it together. Fudge Judge always was the biggest fucking killer.

I hate that. I know you do. Everyone should hate that. Anyone who cares about comedy should hate Fudge Judge. It sucks. It rules. No, it sucks. That response to it sucks. No, man. It's not good. It's what's next.

It's a harbinger of doom. People are trying to write jokes that make sense. I'm up there. I used to work at a chocolate factory and they fired me for being excited. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. I'm a little fudge judge. Not me.

Bunch of freaks coming off their leashes. Something. Jonathan Davis drops from the rafters. He's on a chain. Just starts doing twists. What?

A little Tasmanian devil spinning around the room. It's crazy that corn was at the top of the charts. It's crazy that corn defined so much of my adolescence. It's crazy that you brought

that lady four lemons. It was. All in one hand, too. One hand. What was in the other hand? Like a dust? No napkin and then lemons. Just bare hand

seeds on my fingers man and like i said i was just in like you know either like a hungover days or you know just not thinking about it until yeah i'm looking at her and i'm like what did i do and it just what do you do with the lemon no coming back ate him just squeezed him into my eyes right there in front of her yeah should I yeah

I just asked her I just looked at her I was like what do I do now take a bite out of one do I leave she pulls the fire alarm it was fucked man

oh you're such a fucking idiot it was well like I said at the beginning to when I think of going back into my youth, I just think, no, I can't. I sprinted as far as I could away from old me. Just blowing it all the time.

I don't know what to say. No, thanks. That dog story is one of my favorites, but I forgot about the lemon one. Yeah, this was kind of a Lund episode. You got to know a little bit about me, my dad, my dad's dad. That's all right, man. I know it's all right. I'm not apologizing.

I'm thanking people for listening. I let you get your shit in. To me. Let me get my shit in so that when Sam's not saying it it i can get in with some of my witticisms say it don't spray it lemons you're real don lemon party over here oh man remember lemon party yes oh yeah i didn't i didn't hate you don't know about lemon party i've heard it referenced and i know it's some gross sex thing I don't want to know about. But it's that, like Blue Waffle I know is a gross thing.

Oh, yeah, I don't remember what that is. Don't know what it is. Never knew. The early internet, when it was kind of the Wild West, before they hung up fences. Before the railroad came through town. Yeah, exactly. Before the Industrial Revolution and everything was on eBay. God damn.

Yeah, Lemon Party. through town yeah exactly before the industrial revolution and everything was on ebay god damn yeah lemon party well and i just i referenced tub girl in like durango and that was one of the first i almost tub girl myself in durango you don't like any fudge judge you're on stage in 2020 referencing tub girl i'm not on stage oh i was i know i i wasn't on stage oh yeah you were ordering a mcdonald's i was in the bed i was shower, and I bent over, and I almost farted and caught myself because I thought I would have tub-girled myself. And I was like, ugh, the internet in 2000 or whatever. You know what's weird? Lemon Party was three dudes, and I think they were all blowing each other. But Goatsy was more fucked to me because it's just gaping anus. Yeah.

You don't know about that one either? No. I purposely don't like to gross myself out. We should do that for the Patreon. We should do a reaction video. You want to do this stuff? Yeah. Show you all the bad?

Okay. I'd do that. Megan will love it. Megan will love it. She's on, she follows a couple of Instagram accounts that are just like gnarly, like ER visits. And she showed me one and I was like, you can't show me any more of those things because, you know, it's all I'll think about. Yeah. I'll be fucking blasting sweet emotion the rest of the week just to drown it out. But she showed me one of, I think it was a motorcycle accident, and the dude's face,

he was like under a towel, and so the camera goes under the towel, and it's just like eyes and like a tongue. Yeah, it looks like the red skull. And the rest of the face. It looks like the guy just got done fighting Captain America. Was gone. Yeah. Yeah, man. Oh, yeah. He looked at the fucking Holy Grail, it wasn't pure of heart or whatever. the rest of the face looks like the guy just got done fighting Captain America was gone yeah man

oh yeah he looked at the fucking Holy Grail and wasn't pure of heart or whatever it was and so you just and the eyes are like

darting around you know and the tongue is moving it looked like this guy tried to eat four airheads at once or warheads at once airheads

looks like he blew his airhead off the mystery flavor was poison Oh I remember what happened at the park Hey That's what I'm talking about

So I guess we won't put that in there But that's what happened Nah let's leave it What? No I'm sorry I was saying yeah Let's not have it in there because not worth it. Better to leave it up to people's interpretation of what it might have been.

We have to cut out all that mom stuff, too. If you haven't already, like, share, and subscribe to the pod. Become a member of the Chubby Chaser Army. We're a very loosely regulated militia. Yeah. chubby chaser army. We're a very loosely regulated militia. Yeah.

Not a lot of rules, regulations, but we are on the terror watch list. Yeah, no rules, just right. We have, we abide by the Arby's Charter. Yeah, join the Odd Pod Weird Bod Squad. That's...

Apparently we're gonna have to do an AMA in the near future because somebody... I thought you were insane for having the two or three tiers on Patreon, but a couple people took advantage. A bunch of people joined the $10 tier. Now we have to do an AMA. And one psycho took the $20 tier. What does that mean? We have to send him old baby pictures. If you join the $20 tier,

you just get weird shit in the mail from us every month. Okay, weird shit in the mail. Yeah, you're going to get some pubes. Definitely. Some beard hair. Some pubes. Yeah. Maybe some beard hair that's disguised as pubes.

Yeah. So that we can keep some of our innocence. Yeah, you're probably going to get... Maybe we'll do that thing where we fill an envelope with pubes and seal it with jits. Like we talked about. Oh my god. I forgot about that. Yeah, that's worth 20 bucks a month.

The calling card. Happy graduation, kid. That's how they got Patrice O'Neill. So I'm going to send that person some mail. But yeah, sign up for the Patreon so we can afford the big guests we've had. Brett Hiker. Yeah, we're in the hole after having to pay Hiker's fee. To see it.

We lost 20 bucks to Ray Romano. Never going to see that again. I gave him your address. He said he would send us something in the mail. So I guess we kind of signed up for his Patreon. I did not plan on that. Is that who was knocking at the door? Yeah.

Just now? There's someone at the door again? Oh, shit. Lund. Hey, Lund. Ray Romano and Dr. Cover here! Hey, how's it going everybody? How's it going? Hey guys!

What are you guys doing? You guys recording a podcast? Really? Well, I guess Lund and Sam both left the room for some reason. Oh, it looks like we're holding it down, right? This is like Atlantic City in 89. Oh, don't remind me. Remember there was that guy that got out of line and I hit him in the head with a little piece of metal. Yeah, but I... And he just started bleeding out of his head. Yeah, but I lapped it up like a doggie.

Yeah, you thought it was marinara. You were like, oh, this is my mom's gravy. I was like, that's a guy's blood. I thought it was marinar. I'm not able to speak Italian too good either, but that sounded right on. I got some manicotti, and I lapped it up like a little papaya. I was a roadie for manicotti for a couple of years. They were a wild bunch.

Okay. Okay. Fuck it, idiot. So, yeah, guys. Ray and Dr. Kev left. And make sure you get on the old Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. And let's ride out the apocalypse together.