Chubby Behemoth - Free Ice Cream

Episode Date: July 11, 2021

This one has Sam, Reena, Naylor, Okeefe, and Bissett. Sam's on the road.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

You don't think at all, do you? Because you're used to just doing whatever you want and getting whatever you want out of life. Yeah, that's what I do. Just letting kids be in a pool. Letting them drown. You guys all got to talk up because we're recording out of a phone.

Don't bring us in. I'll handle that. It's going to come in fucking loose. People are going to not know who you are. It's going to throw fucking loose. Oh, wow. You need to be confident. People are gonna not know who you are. It's gonna throw them. Welcome to the Dayton experience. Hey, everybody. Fuck it already.

Was that my time? Are you gonna keep talking over me the whole time? Oh, no. Jesus Christ. Wow. Strike one. Right off the bat. I will let you know when you're allowed to be a part of this.

All right? Yes. You're allowed. Okay. Bring us in. Hello and welcome to the podcast. You don't know the name of the podcast? Thank you. You want to say your name? I'm Dayton Bissett.

There you go. Spell it. D-A-Y-T-O-N. No, the last name. These people aren't idiots. They might have spelled Dayton. It's a town. B-I-S-S-E-T-T. So two Ts, two Ss. Yes.

All right, good stuff. Joined by, of course... Aaron Naylor. Spelled the last name. N-A-Y-L-O-R. And we have a very special guest here today. Oh, I did it. Hey, hi guys.

I'm Mike O'Keefe. Now. Do you want me to spell it? They know. They know how. They're all O'Keefe fans. Oh, that's true. We have a bunch of fucking O'Keefe freaks on this thing, and they've been begging for you.

Like, when are you going to get Mike? And I'm like, Cronin? Stanley? Yeah. Jackson? Yeah. I would love to get Mike Jackson. He would be great. Yeah. He'd be so good. He's got all those stories about. Yeah. Jackson? Yeah. I would love to get Mike Jackson. He would be great.

Yeah. He'd be so good. He's got all those stories about... Yeah. Hanging out with guys like Dayton. Yeah, he made a couple kids show, too. We're recording this today because yesterday we did a great epic podcast with a breaking news woman. We had a woman on for the first time ever,

and you wanted to silence her, Naylor. Tell them what you did. We recorded a podcast, a great podcast, at Daryl the Bot. Don't bury the lead. Jesus Christ. Jesus. I know you're used to one-liners and puns and noises,

but some of us are storytellers on the mic, alright? Don't trust me. So we did a great podcast yesterday. A lot of truth, you know, a lot of community was built. Just one of the, probably the best podcast ever. Y'all were doing truth? We did, yeah. Shit.

Yeah, Rena told us some stuff that we probably should have edited out. Naylor was saying it. Sounds like you guys did edit it out, though. No, we did, yeah. God edited it out. Cruel, cruel fate edited it out. We recorded this podcast, SD card, in a studio. Sounded good.

Much better than this, which I hope you can hear over Naylor's AC unit. Man, everything is my fault. This one was your fault, pal. Yeah, sure. All right, wear the leather if you're in the ring, okay? I don't know. That's the trick to talking. You say it with confidence and eye contact. And wear the leather. And don't do the time if you can't say the rhyme. Yeah, that's why Naylor had to eat a flip-flop. That was the punishment. You recorded it, and then Naylor took the SD card out,

the little tiny SD card, and Naylor, on the Mac computer, which has an SD slot on it, which is shaped just the exact same size of an SD card, where did you put the SD card? I put it in the CD-ROM slot. You put it in the CD-ROM slot. You put it in the CD-ROM slot, which is, I don't know, eight times the length of an SD card?

At least three. Because what? It was just too much pressure to find the right slot? Yeah. You just totally spazzed. Yeah. It doesn't matter because there wasn't anything on the SD card. Because after the man came, a man named Cary, who was probably very busy, you know, fucking looking for drug rugs.

What? He runs a circus. He runs a circus. Yeah. Crazy. He owns a circus in town. What are you talking about? He owns a circus.

I don't know anything about it but that. Do you know anything? No, I didn't know he had circuses. I recently learned this. It's like one of these dark circuses where there's guys on motorcycles and, you know. If you've seen the guy, you would know what kind of circus it is. It's like one of these dark circuses where there's guys on motorcycles and you know... If you've seen the guy you would know what kind of circus it is. It's that kind of circus. What do you mean a dark circus? Like the one in Atlanta?

No! I don't know! I don't know about that! I don't know about you. Oh! I don't know about you. I don't know what you think. I know that there's like these alternative circuses where these dorks are like... Alternative circus.

Alternative circus. Alternative circus. Old circus. Urban circus. No, but like, they got the guys with the mustache. Yeah. What? All the lions have tattoos. Yeah, all the lions have tattoos.

You know, instead of a trapeze, it's, you know, a guy putting a sword in his dick hole. Oh, you mean like a freak show. Yes! That's what it is. Okay. Or as you call it in Michigan, an alt circus. Which is probably one of your fucking search results on Pornhub.

Yeah, that's it. Shut up. Got it. Shut up. Was this my 15 minutes? No, you're doing great. We haven't even talked about your manslaughter case. Assisted manslaughter.

Assisted manslaughter. Because gravity and water did the crime. But then when the circus owner, which you don't have any information on. Not the circus, no. The most interesting aspect of this man, he runs a circus, and you can't give us a funny anecdote. I just found out about that. Dude, how do you keep... How do you just find out about that?

I don't fucking know. Stephen told me. How do you keep pissing me off so much? It is brilliant. You keep giving me power. I do, yeah. Stop it, you dumb motherfucker. Goddamn.

The power of knowledge. I'm the dumbest person you know. That CD-ROM slot is for when we want to watch Zoolander. Yeah. So mom can fall asleep. Yeah. Goddammit. So he came and he literally took the computer. He took a break from running a circus to come back. So mom can fall asleep! Yeah! God damn it! So he came and he literally took the computer.

He took a break from running a circus to come back. He says, Connie, that's the bearded lady. Yeah. Connie, you're in charge. You got the reins. I'm going to go deal with this fucking idiot. Keep the monkeys out of the elephants. All right?

You know how horny they get. Oh my God. And then he came and he ripped the computer apart, found the SD card, put it in, Keep the monkeys out of the elephants. All right? You know how horny they get. And then he came and he ripped the computer apart, found the SD card, put it in, and there was nothing on the SD card. Yeah. Except the six-second clip of me saying, man, I hope this works. Yeah, and then the last little moment of that was you saying, oh, no. I can't believe you did that on a social distortion card. That sucks, man.

So that was really brutal and hurtful. But now here we are. He said it's hurtful. It hurt me. I'm hurt. I'm wounded. I get it, man. Because now I've got to waste another hour pretending like I want to be near Naylor. I'm in his house with nothing on the walls.

Besides, like, there's a fucking weird makeshift table. A cricket painting. Covered in baseball cards. I know. As soon as I said it, I saw there was a painting on the wall. But there's only,

that's the crazy part. Hey, fact-checking O'Keefe is here. No, no, no. What I'm saying is adding to your thing because it's, the only thing crazier

than having nothing on the walls is having one weird piece of fucking hotel art on the wall. That's insane. That's from a red roof in Shreveport.

That is. That's not him walking at all. No. That's insane. That's from a red root bin in Shreveport. That is. That's not him walking at all. No. That's just fucking random shit. That man's not shaped like an egg on roller skates. Oh, nuts. That guy knows nothing about roller skates. He doesn't know how to skate at all. Oh my God. He's skating on his looks. Just like Dayton. Yeah, all Dayton over here. Dayton skate. See how I got got a better Dayton? Yeah, good work. No problem, buddy. Thank you for being here, Mike.

I need someone to keep me from choking Naylor out. But no, it's okay. Look, I forgive you. And that's very big of me. I'm sorry. That's a nice thing for me to do. Because I'm a good guy. Yeah. I'm like you.

Who blows it for their friend the one time he sees them a year. I'm pregnant. God. And then tries to book me on a burlesque show I didn't even know about. Mike, you're doing that, right? Yeah, I got to show my nuggets. Yeah. Oh, no.

Oh, yes. Nuggets. Dayton, have you ever done this burlesque show? No. I just turned 21. I think now I can. Oh, wow. Souggets. Dayton, have you ever done this burlesque show? No. I just turned 21. I think now I can. Oh, wow. So, yeah. I can finally do the burlesque show that I've been wanting to do since I was 18.

Now, Dayton, I'm going to tell them some stuff about you. You tell me if I'm telling any lies. Okay. You're 21. True. White guy. True. Plays the melodica. True. Okay. That one's probably hard for them to guy. True. Plays the melodica. True.

Okay. That one's probably hard for them to hear. Yeah. And you also work at a water park. Yes. And Dayton, you're here for one reason only, and that's to tell us this horrifying tale that me and Mike really got a kick out of downstairs. Break it down for us.

Okay, so I'm a lifeguard at a water park and lifeguard more entitled than an actual what you do yeah okay yes and I was at the top of a slide sending kids down and I know how high is this one it's pretty high pretty high slide so drop so no it's a up in the air. How many stairs? A lot of stairs. How many landing? How many stories would you say? Yeah. Maybe four. Maybe four, yeah.

And two follow-up questions. When you say drop slides, is that the one where you're in, like, a test tube? Yeah, yeah. And then the floor drops, yeah. Oh! Yeah. I've seen a lot of scared kids down that slide. Yeah.

And a lot of, like, dads didn't want to be called a pussy. Yeah, yeah a lot of scared kids down that slide. Yeah, and a lot of like dads didn't want to be called a pussy. Yeah Yeah, yeah Dad's punching their son to stop crying a lot of moms new boyfriend trying to impress a 13 year old Yeah, oh Ron yeah rockin Ronnie the rock and roll weasel Yeah, you guys know wrong Well, I don't watch hockey Rock and roll weasel? Yeah, you guys know Ron? Ron sucks. I don't wanna watch hockey, Ron! Yeah, Ron, goddammit.

I don't care that Japanese wrestling's more pure. Alright? No, I won't get you a Mr. Pibb diet. I don't care about alternative circuses, Ron. I like how you found out a man owned a circus. And you let it lie. You didn't ask any more questions.

It was normal. What do you mean? Nothing about that. If you knew Kerry, you would know that's kind of like not that big of a deal. He's a weird guy. There's no way that that's not the most interesting part. We were doing acid in Oklahoma. That's how I found out. Oh, he's got a circus. Oh, he's got a circus. Of course he's got a circus.

It's weird. Were you at a... I think it's just acid. I think he just does acid. It's on his fucking Facebook. Owner at so-and-so circus. If it's on his Facebook and you didn't know before, you've got to be a better Facebook friend. Is it like Carrie's Circus of Humanodities and Genetic Whoopsies?

Genetic Whoopsies. Yeah. God's Mistakes featuring Carrie. Is he John Carrie? Is it Deserter and Tower John Carrie? Moondrop Circus. The flip-flopper himself, John Carrie? Yeah, which you ate as As your mea culpa.

More like a mea gulpa. So, Moondrop Circus, proud sponsor of the pod. So, you were on a water slide tower. Yeah. Just feeling untouchable. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What did you say?

You showed me pictures of the circus, it looks pretty straightforward. Oh, okay. There's no curveballs in the circus? There's really not. I don't think... There's no genetic whoopsies. I'm saying no whoopsies. Besides the zebras.

Is that what you call them? Wait, is that your name? No! First off, when have you seen zebras in a circus? Oh, all the time. What? I'm a big circus guy, I love the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the Harlem Globetrotters.

I love the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the Harlem Globetrotters. I love the Harlem Globetrotters. Is that what you call it? No. First off, when have you seen zebras in a circus? Oh, all the time. What? I'm a big circus guy. I love the Harlem Globetrotters. Globetrotters are a blast. It's the best form of entertainment in America that's ever produced.

Let me tell you, every time the NBA playoffs roll around. Guys, that's a basketball team. Yeah. The best basketball team. Yeah. You ever see them lose? Nope. They lost once in Spokane, Washington in 1953.

Yeah. Never looked back. That's when there was a yellow fever outbreak. Not that kind, Dayton. Chill out. God. Okay, so the Globetrotters rock. Kerry runs the circus.

Naylor's incompetent. We're all caught up. Dayton. Yes. You're on the tower. On a water slide, yeah.'re all caught up. Dayton. Yes. You're on the tower. On a water slide, yeah. Sending kids down. Good.

Yeah. Speak up. Use your voice. There's a... Tell your truth. I hear long whistles, and then this happens all the time because people in the wave pool

jump in a lot. But then I heard long whistles, and I heard more long whistles, and then I looked... What kind of whistle? Like a train whistle? It was a lifeguard whistle whistles and I looked what kind of was like a train whistle It was a lifeguard whistle like a whistle. Yeah, it was a train They didn't have like novelty whistles for do that it was a train whistle yeah that's what it was and for some of us though long whistle just to get yeah, a long whistle, just to get it right, a long whistle in lifeguard jargon, life jargon, that means, uh-oh, a bad thing has happened.

Yeah, you're jumping into the pool to save somebody. But then it was followed by more long whistles, which usually means it's an important thing, not just someone like drowning. Like Hunter Bidens in the pool yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the Chiefs player in the yeah that was Kelsey just shotgun to keg Ukraine's got the drop-off it was that Chiefs player who beat his wife or something your Your favorite. What? Tyree Hill. No. Oh, it was that guy who killed himself in front of the coach. Which one? Romeo Cronell?

No, it wasn't that one. Romeo Cronell was the coach of the Browns. He was the coach of the Chiefs, too. Interesting. You guys have had so many shitty coaches until you fucking lucked out. Well, I think this was in 2019. He got kicked off of the Chiefs. I forget his name.

It was 2019. He came in the wave pool and signed someone's crop. So that's pretty cool. That's great So you're saying all that happens in this pool just like fun stuff Very kill very quick on land. Yeah. I looked down and they were pulling out a really blue person. Okay. Yeah, very blue, the most blue person I've ever seen.

That's saying a lot. Yeah. Because you go saying a lot. Yeah. You go to a lot of Avatar cosplay parties. Oh yeah. They started doing CPR. And we're just watching me and everyone in this line. Now what does CPR mean? It means 30 chest compressions. But what's the acronym mean?

Poo. What does it stand for? Poo. Poo. Is that the noise you make? uh what does it stand for fool fool is that the noise that was the whistle and they found a can fool culinary

pulsating uh culinary action I don't know if you guys are basketball fans CPR Chris Paul rules

yeah he's sweet he's a sweetie he's not passing he's shooting always he passes a lot anyway this is He's switching. He's not passing, he's shooting all the way. He passes a lot.

This is Dayton's time. To quote a boy. So you're up there in the tower, you hear... That's CPR, they're doing a lot of that. And me and everyone in this line is just watching. And I'm like, are you still doing your job? Someone's in the tube ready to go. You have your hand hovering over the button like you're in the Cold War.

Yeah. Anyway, I sent everyone down because I was like that's not good they're clearing the pool so I cleared the slides and I ran down there and I was doing like crowd control like blocking them doing did you say hey it's me major Tom yeah yeah yeah to major Tom and yeah and they were so they were doing CPR they were clearing the pool all that and so everyone has to not have fun just as one kids yeah one was actually just the wave pool was closed so everywhere else you could see kids having fun and

all this okay having a good time it was ominous yeah alright that word of the day calendar is paying off. But anyway, it felt like forever past. Oh, it was a real major inconvenience for you. I was supposed to go home and buy, but I was like, what's going on? Come on! So yeah, they were doing CPR, the ambulance showed up and all that and all that and they took over and it felt like forever they took the family over to the side and all that they were freaking out and the manager. Yeah, I imagine they were freaking out. They were

so scared. They were totally flipped man. You say they were so scared you should have seen it. I hope I never see this. I hope I never share this memory with you. It was a hoot and a holler. Yeah, there are kids in the ambulance and the manager of the water park and like the entire theme park was there like the big scary guy he's like I can fire you on the spot yeah guy he told me and another life guard with our we were wearing our lifeguard uniforms you know after a lifeguard completely should have prevented what happened to me your lifeguard uniform what is that like you have the sunscreen on my nose

you have a big floppy hat, and then a big Johnson t-shirt. Yeah, huge tits. Speedos for some reason. Yeah, I'm running like in Baywatch over to the family. No, he told me and another lifeguard to give the family of the kid that just happened to dip in dots. And, yeah, just bring this here's the ice cream of the future I brought them dip in dots which was really awkward it wasn't a good

situation I hated having to do it. They hated it. It was the worst part of my day. Well, just awkward walking up to them in a lifeguard uniform after, again, one of them should have prevented that from happening. It could have been me on that stand that should have saved their kid. They didn't know. They just saw a lifeguard, someone they should be really mad at, offering Dippin' Dots to their family. And the sister, like wiping tears out of her eyes and stuff, was like, I don't want cookies and cream. I want Daniel back. Or a strawberry! I brought her rainbow ice.

She ate that up. She couldn't get enough of it. The light in her eyes. She ate that. Lord. Yeah, and they got that and two free large pizzas. But they didn't like your topic. No, no. And season passes for next year.

Oh, baby. Hey, hey, hey. You wanna commemorate this? Yeah. Come back on the anniversary of your son's death. Wow. Oh. So the kid died? The kid is dead now. Did they rename the wave pool?

No, the wave pool is still the same. They made it more shallow, though. It's at eight feet, it's six feet now. And it's funny because the stands are so high. You can't drown in six feet of water. The stands are so high that the lifeguards jumping in for people now are always breaking their legs and stuff. So many sprained ankles. jumping in for people now are always like breaking their legs and stuff.

So many sprained ankles. Because also when the waves are going it gets like really shallow. You know, you'll jump right onto the concrete. Oh my lord. What if they would have like reassessed the goals of the wave pool? Yeah, they should have just taken the wave pool away. They should have renamed it to the kid. Like how old he was, a 14-year-old? Yeah.

So like Maverick Hendrickson Community Wave Pool. Could they have a memorial for him? Yeah. They have a hologram of him. At the bottom of the pool. Doing what he loved, breathing air. Here lies Maverick. This is like action park.

Yeah, this story sucks. Yeah. So, how long was the... You said you found out how long he was under? 16 minutes. Oh my god. Yeah, so long. Yeah, that was a long time to be under the water. Oh yeah, that's way more than the recommended dose of water.

At the deposition they just showed me. Am I allowed to be saying this? I'm worried now. I didn't say the name of the water park. I mean, hey, we're in Kansas City. This is the second death that's happened in a water park in Kansas City. And it wasn't the other one. No, the first one was at Schlitterbahn. It was the world It was the Schlitterbahn. ...verrugt, the world's tallest water slide.

The kid got decapitated on it. What? That's right. That sounds like something you could die on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't tested at all. It wasn't? No, they didn't test it enough.

They went to court. They didn't send a pumpkin down? A pumpkin? A scarecrow or a mannequin? Dumb guy. Yeah. Yeah, some oboe. Some last chance drifter. The first time I saw someone get booed off stage was at the improv.

He told a Schlitterbahn joke about that happening. He made like a little off the top joke or something like that. Oh, so he was a genius. Yeah They started like doing it. He said he was a white guy. He's like what's wrong my in words or whatever Who was it say his name? I don't know his name. I've never seen him again. It was Mitchell Joseph T Rogan. I think it was Malachi Schwartz. That's the name of a guy, right? Yeah.

You're in. That's the name of a guy. Yeah. Jerk. I haven't seen him in a while. Yeah, he went to work for Honeywell, and he's making nuclear bombs. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's good to know. Sam knows. I do, yeah. Aaron Scarborough taught me all about it. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. yeah yeah he went to work for honeywell and he's like making nuclear bombs oh yeah yeah i do yeah aaron scarborough taught me all about it oh really yeah wow oh scarborough yeah so dave anything else you want to add to this harrowing tale no i think that's about it that covers it okay yeah and now you work at the water park so i still do that but i work at the baby pool now so i don't have to deal with the wave pool stuff is that because you also wear a diaper yeah yeah exactly that's it yeah yeah is that like desk duty you know yeah it's like when you take your they take your gun in your bag It's like when they take your gun in your bag. Turn in your whistle. Kids keep dying on your watch.

Give us your big long phone thing. Have there been any other close calls? We have a lot of seizures. Someone had a heart attack in the lazy river. Fucking god dude. What is happening? In the lazy river? Is that too exciting? Yeah, it's too much. She was really old. It wasn't the water park's fault at that point.

At that point? They did everything they could have done. there were some startling revelations later though. Yeah. Yeah. That's why Jeremy isn't allowed to scare people. You mean Spooky Jerry? Spooky Jerry? Spooky, get off Terror Bridge!

Quit jump scaring the elderly. This is all I know. I went to four years of spook school. You can't change me! Whoa. Dayton, that was a joy. Thank you. I'm glad I could say it. whoa yeah Dayton that was a joy thank you you work there now with your ex-girlfriend current boyfriend yeah and how's that go no he doesn't work there but I always see him. He swings by. You always see him when you drive by his house at night

to see if her car is there. Now, did he get his season pass because of the death in his family at the park? Yeah. Whoa. That was the twin brother of the dead kid. Yeah, that was the dead kid.

He came back to life. So she's dating a ghost. What? Are you spooked, Jared? You're telling me. You're telling me. Oh, my God. Dayton, slam dunk.

Thank you. Yep. Thanks for having me. What is he, like, saving? Because he, like, talks to you, right? You were telling us downstairs. The ghost? Yeah, the boyfriend.

The boyfriend. Yeah, the boy talks to me. What about You were telling us downstairs. The ghost? Yeah, the boyfriend. The boyfriend. Yeah, the boy talks to me. What about the video? What does he say? Like, he, like, kind of a tick. He says, give me air. Stop talking to my girlfriend. Are you talking to my girlfriend?

Just the normal stuff. You know, the normals. That's not very normal. That's a 21. He doesn't know better. The normals. But you guys have to talk to each other about, you other about your red swimsuits and your lifeguards. Oh yeah, no we don't talk.

Oh I see. Yeah. You don't ever talk to her? I mean, we pass it. Even though you're in the locker room changing with her? Yeah, yeah. Like, I remember those. Hey, you remember this?

You whip your dick around. Didn't we find out he had a huge hog? Yeah, and his fella had a big ol' cranker? This guy. Oh, you knew! He has, no, so actually one time... Can you please turn around so we can see? One of the, something that happened

was I was, we were all together and she was there and we were eating fondue. Sure. And one of my friends was like, oh. That's a real sexually charged moment. Yeah. You're just slurping a little gum. One of my friends took the stick and was like, oh, Brett's penis, which is the guy she,

and she was like, no. And that was really heartbreaking to find out's penis, which is the guy she, and she was like, no. And that was really heartbreaking to find out. Oh, this other gentleman. That he didn't have a two and a half inch penis? He didn't have a small white sugar penis? And you just assumed that when she went, no, she means that he's got like a hoglet. I could eat anything. Wow. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. She could have eat anything. I was just really hoping he was right about the fun dipstick. He comes dipping dots. Yeah, he was just over there jizzing into the cup he brought to that girl.

My brother's there, nearly, eat it. Eat it, slut! Here you go, oops, no cookies this time. All three babies. Children of the year. And another whistle. Yeah. It's lovely you guys are all...

You said you guys were sitting around eating Fun Dip. It's like, it's just what we do. Yeah. That's what Lifeguard... That's my kids drown. We're all... We're all hopped up on sugar. Yeah. We're all off the pool eating fun dip together.

Is this a little behind the scenes, the lifeguard school? Yeah. Yeah. Do you guys like sneak off and have sex in the... Water slides as we're going down. The drop slide. Have you done that? No.

Oh. Just coiled up? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Has there ever been any sex debates at the water park. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure. I mean, in the pool. Yeah. We see it all the time.

What do we see? Teenagers. Like when I worked at Chili's, there was a table that we knew everybody had sex on. Yeah. I don't know why know why multiple people had sex on. That's not a water park. But I'm just saying at work, you know, like where people do it. Yeah. Table 42.

Yeah. Take care. Table 42. Right? Jackie Robinson. Jackie. Jackie Robinson. Mary.

Oh, man. I worked at a Big Boy. Big Boy is like a diner chain in Michigan, Ohio. Oh, yeah, thanks. You mean the most iconic burger guy in all of American folklore? Austin Powers. Yeah. Get out of here, Mike.

I don't want to tell you guys this story. Dayton's sleeping here now. There was like a walk-in freezer and a walk-in fridge and so many people fucked in the walk-in fridge. Ugh. It's like cold. Yeah. You know? My dick's never the best when it's frigid. Winners don't work there. That's where we go to

cry. You know what I mean? That's where you go to cry. And vape. That is where we go to cry. You know what I mean? That's where you go to cry. And vape. Yeah. That is the first time I smoke pot is when I walk in. Well, you're like me. You're a fucking big dripping hog. Yeah.

So when I worked at Safeway, I spent so much time in the seafood freezer. Just like airing myself out, wringing out my apron. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. I thought Big Boy was so cool

growing up in Colorado. From like probably Austin Powers or just television, you know, being a young American. You're a young American! David Bowie, sorry. You're 21. 21. Yeah, 21. Anything that wasn't kosher I thought had to be cool.

Yeah. Reena, I want to make sure we're picking you up. Oh, hi. We're joined by the great Rina Calm, everybody. It's great to be here with you guys. Yeah, which you did the episode yesterday that they were threw in the trash. This is the only recording we have of our time together, so that's, you know,

it's okay. Well, he wanted to silence a female voice. I knew it. That's what he told me when you were outside. Yeah. But I thought Big Boy was the coolest, right? I'm serious I'm not lying and my mom's from Cleveland So we would drive back to Cleveland every summer and we went to a big boy and I was like, yes

finally like we reached Mecca, you know, I was like Praying And I got the burger and I got the milkshake and And they have like a weird Cherries Jubilee situation. Don't they have like cherries on like a cake or something? It's strawberry. It's Strawberry Fest. Okay. And I ate it. I hate that I remember that.

Anyway, go on. Well, no. It's one of the only things you remember. After you were underwater for 15 minutes. Cherries Jubilee! Yeah. I'm back. So you were always so busy doing Strawberry Fest.

Yeah. Very nice. Good for you. Strawberry Fest was your top of the water slide moment. Yeah. They'd also blow a whistle and be like, oh no, high alert. There's a softball team here. Randy, stop fucking in the walk-in.

Get out of here. Get off number 42. Oh, I hate it, and it sucked. That's the whole story. It was like meeting your heroes, you know? It's very, very mediocre. I'm glad it was bad, because the only time I ever went to a big boy

was the same kind of nostalgic fascination. And I was like, yeah, pull into this big boy and check what's up. And I went to the drive-thru, and I was like, yeah, pull into this big boy and check what's up. And I went to the drive-thru, and I was like, oh, no, I'll have none of this. And I drove away. It's made very poorly, and whatever works there is overworked.

Yeah. Why are they working so hard to do such a bad job? Seriously. Good lord. I feel like the ingredients are pretty shitty. Right, it's made very poorly. There's only so much that they do. shitty. Right, made very poorly. There's only so much that they do. Yeah, sure, sure, yeah.

Kind of like that burger I had last night at the Comic Club of Kansas City. Ooh, yeah, not the best burger. I had a double veggie patty burger, and it was just a pile of mud. You don't want the description. It looked like Dayton's diaper. You never want the description for a burger to be the texture. Yeah. You know? Yeah, you were like, I wasn't. And description for a burger to be the texture. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, you were like, I wasn't. I was like, it's mushy. Yeah. It came pre-chewed. I threw chicken... Update from Dayton. I threw Comedy Club chicken tenders in the toilet one time at the Comedy Club. There's not a trash can?

There was. I was... That's not where the prank was going down you know i uh i ordered chicken tenders because i didn't feel good but i knew i needed to eat so i got chicken tenders and ate one fry and then felt bad for ordering the chicken tenders so like i was running to the toilet i was gonna just flush them down like they were drugs yeah i was too i was like they're gonna know it's me if I just dump it in the trash can. Yeah, you have that written all over you.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh Dayton was here, there's tenders in the toilet. Yeah. Blow the whistle! So I put them in the toilet and they didn't flush. How long were the tenders, how long were they under for? No shit. 60 minutes.

60 minutes. So I had to pull them out of the toilet and put them in the trash can. It was the worst moment of my life. That was the worst moment of your life? You lived a charmed life. You suck! You died, dude! Was that the night you got sick after the second vaccine? Yes. The first one?

Yes, that was that night. You you threw up all over your truck? I threw up a lot. You went for the toilet. I threw up in the water park parking lot because it's on the way home from the coffee club. And you saw your ex making out with her boyfriend? Yeah. As I was throwing up, I was staring right at her. But I pulled in there.

I was like, just throwing up. And I pulled in, and the security, it was like 1 a.m., the security guard came up. He was like, we're closed. And I was in and the security was like 1 a.m. The security guard came up He's like we're closed and I was like 1 a.m. Yeah waterpark. Yeah, look at me Hey, man, it's me date California did lock eyes with me while he was throwing and California did lock eyes with me while he was throwing. Oh my God. And it was just like, I remember that very clearly. Very vividly, yeah.

I thought he was like hitting on me. Like we were sitting kind of far away from each other and I thought he was making eyes at me. And so I was just kind of like looking at him with kind of like hesitant, like what is wrong with this guy? Like when in like a dance kind of a way. And then he just slowly started like soft serve to me in the bottom end. And kept eyes the whole time.

You're Medusa. That was like my first time like, going away and got a hotel by myself. Like I was going on a vacation and I was just feeling myself. Like look at me out on the town. They wanted you to hold his hair back. I was only even out there because I was already upset because they sent me to a room that

already had a naked man in it. What?! And I had to go get a new key and I'm like, you know what I want? What, a painting of a naked man? No, like I want a... Oh yeah, and you know what, that was too much for me. That was too much for me. Karina hates good art.

I hate it. I hate the expression of like the... What Hilton Honors tier is that? The bed comes pre-nuded. And you had not ordered this one. I had not, no. I had not. I had not ordered this one.

I had not. I had not. I had not. I had not. I had not. I hate the expression of like the point that you were born. What Hilton Honors tier is that? The bed comes pre-nuded. And you had not ordered this bed. I had not, no. I just was like really, really good about myself. And I opened the door, a naked man. I was like, new room key. And then it was so stressful.

I'm like, you know what? I deserve a margarita. And that's when I met the guy who threw up his eye cups. It wasn't that guy that was naked in your eyes. No, no. Two different guys. He saw that naked naked in your eyes? No, no, two different things. He saw that naked guy in your eyes. Actually, it all happened at the same time,

but my trauma processing separates the events, you know? That happened to me in Columbus, Georgia, but instead of just a naked man, it was also a naked woman, and they were fucking. And I, I like walked in on a man having sexual relations with a sex worker. They were, uh,

it was not what I wanted. Mike shut the door and said, I'll have what she said. Choked. One of my first comedy hotel nights was in Indiana and I was with Kristen Toomey and we were doing the drop and we were at the Red Roof Inn. Oh my God, that hotel was so bad.

So bad. And at some point we heard that people in the next room were having sex and we were being funny about it. She got a cup up to the wall. I was like, oh my God, they're doing it. And we're listening. Did she have her hat on or no? No.

This was pre-hat. Oh wow. She wasn't painting yet. Yeah. This was back in 93? This was before she got into yo-yo. She was listening to the very exact thing, it was the funniest thing of all. She goes, oh my god, I just realized they're probably ugly. Yeah, this is a red roof inn, they're definitely ugly. Super ugly. Yeah, across the street from the jail in South Bend. That's where Dave Losser went on his honeymoon. One time at that hotel I was very drunk, and it was me and Tyler Snodgrass and John Heine, and I'm very drunk and I'm peeing outside by my car, like peeing underneath the trunk and then they're

over here and they're saying something that I want to interject in and so I turned to talk to him just a very thick stream of urine all throughout my car. I just pissed on the whole side of my car. It was on the side of the car. On the side of the car. On the side of the car. Oh, that's nothing. It's like a racing stripe, but with piss. Right.

My first time there, I remember being in that parking lot and being on the phone with my dad. This is how we used to speak. And, no, just because he was very disappointed that I was doing a show on Friday because we're Jewish. And it's like, you're not supposed to do anything besides pray or whatever. And I remember just, like, defending my career and my life choices and being like, really like, you know what? This is my career and you're going to have to learn to deal with that. And I'm going to go do comedy right now. Click.

And then I'm like, yeah, I'm in front of a prison for sure. Next to an Arby's and in front of, living my dream. Learn to respect me. And that's how you learn about metaphors. You're like, Dad, I'm opening for Jason Melton! Oh, man! Happy Reveal Friday to his dog. Dude, Melton is so funny.

He's great. He had this new catchphrase last time I was in Chicago, which was, he had this bit, I was going to do his bit. He was like, I was playing basketball with these guys, you know, and I went to take a shot, and this big dude swatted my shot

across the street, and he said, I can see your tits through your shirt, you fat little bitch. So hey, take that trash out of here and never come back and play. I was like, oh yeah? Leave me alone. Jason Melton.

That's so funny. Jason Melton. He got sober. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, that's a good one. Okay, so we've done good so far let's check in okay we're about 20 minutes out from a done episode Wow so is anyone else seen the child die bummer that's usually our go-to on the pod. Are you paused right now? No. Oh, okay.

I was gonna just piss. Go pee! Yeah, we can cover for you. Yeah. Why are you walking like that? He's already in his pants. Yeah. You guys are gonna say stuff about me when I'm gone.

No, we won't. Please don't say anything mean about me when I'm gone, Mrs. T. Let's go back to blasting Dayton's little rump. Yeah! Yeah! Thank you, Dayton. Come on. I'm gonna go pee.

I'm gonna go pee. I'm gonna go pee. I'm gonna go pee. I'm gonna go pee. I'm gonna go pee. I'm gonna go me when I'm gone, Mrs. T. Let's go back to blasting Dayton's little rump. Yeah. Thank you, Dayton. Come on, Dayton. Get a boner, Dayton. Pop it, bud.

Can you guys, I mean, never mind. It's a dumb question. Sometimes it's involuntary, but can you can you ever like will a boner mentally? He probably can because he's 21. Yeah. I need to write a will for my boner. Yeah, David hasn't lost enough blood. Yeah.

He won't do that anymore. Yeah. Like concentration, I don't know. No. It is fun to, well. Just to get one at all. No, I mean, I get boners, especially on airplanes. My God... Just to get one at all. No, I mean, I get boners, especially on airplanes.

Really? It's the worst. I bet you do, because there's kids fucking. Yeah, especially at the baby pool. It's hard. Was that one of your patented riffs? That's me trying. No, you've been so good so far.

did riffs? That's me trying. No, you've been so good so far. They just tried to jimmy a joke in. You think because I'm gone you can take it from me? The Duke? You're the Duke. No, I can't. Also, also though it's fun because now when you use your when you use your brain to pleasure yourself instead of pornography it's like a whole new situation you and tantra yeah well I saw a thing about it how and I think I succeeded at like mentally stimulating myself whatever I didn't get a boner to prove it but like yeah I think it can be done but what a lot of work yeah like i think if i just sat here and like literally tried to thank myself hard i'd be here until the show was over roll them

up and i'd just get mad and i'd be like why can't you do it has nothing sexually cool ever happened to you in your life like i'm trying to get one right now and all i hear is dayton breathing yes though he should get louder oh good mike's back that helps hold on hey big boy is that the dude the duke's here who's there oh it's me and the. Oh, the Duke. There's room for one more in here. Oh, it's the wa- how's the water? Scalding. Oh, okay, I'm not gonna come in there, bye! Help! Help, I've been a- blow the whistle! A-hooo! A-hooo!

Yeah. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la Like do you ring a bell when somebody tips really big and somebody drowns? Yeah. Do they play Wipeout? They do actually. That's a wave thing. They do? They do. That's how you know the waves are starting.

Wipeout. That's where you can hear the screams of the child. No, as they were doing CPR, Firework from Katy Perry was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god.

I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god. I was like, oh my god couldn't hear the screams of the child. No, as they were doing CPR, a firework from Katy Perry was... Oh, my God. I'm not kidding. Like, yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah, loudly. Like a plastic bag. Why were you doing CPR? I wasn't. But as they were... I was just holding up the screen as they were doing CPR so people wouldn't be looking

They have a blue kid screen? Yeah Dayton get the screen! Everybody keep having fun Katy Perry's on, nothing to see here They were having fun but at the other parts of the park Oh it's tough when a kid dies It's even worse when Katy Perry's playing.

That would have been his prom song. That kid was just getting warning. He probably never got sucked. Probably some angst I felt. Probably, yeah. I guess he is a water park kid. He got kissed that day, I guess. Yeah.

Holy shit, Dave. With that hammer. Oh shit, Dayton! With that hammer! Oh my lord. One of the sickest minds I've met in comedy is Joe Fernandez from Chicago and he... you can always make him laugh no matter how bumped he is about something. Would you remind him

that one time a father and a daughter went to a go-kart track and the car flipped over and she died. And he thinks it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to the cries laughing would apply to your story to like you didn't go up to me downstairs and you're like hey you want to hear the funniest story you were like hey mister hey mister you talked on my sleeve like hey up be I want to tell you funniest story? You were like, hey, mister, hey, mister, you tugged on my sleeve?

You were like, hey, Uppy, I want to tell you something. Mitchell was like, he's a lifeguard, and every time someone says that, I have to tell them that it is serious sometimes. Do you, though? I think you do. Where is Mitchell? He's in his room.

Oh, okay. He's excluded him in his own home? Yep. Okay. Sorry, Mitch. We say a excluded him in his own home? Yep. Okay. Sorry, man. We say a lot of terrible stuff on this podcast. No.

Yesterday we just talked about how lucky we were to be friends and how grateful we are for... How fun the podcast was. Yeah, just this is the best pod ever.

Today, somehow, Dayton's carrying the weight. This is the most heavy lifting you've ever done, huh? Oh, yeah. We have a podcast together and I don't speak for over half of it.

Yeah, but it's about No Doubt, right? Yeah. Yeah. You got one listener, just a girl. Do you call your fan base the Tragic Kingdom?

Yeah. He calls his pubes the SpiderweWife. Now, no doubt it was a band. Yeah. No. Because you were 21. They were hella good. Hella. When's the final?

That's another one of their songs. Hella good. Yeah. Feeling hella good. Nate's just waiting for you to tell him you can leave. Oh, you have to go? No. Do you want to go home and take a nap in your parents' house? No, I'm enjoying this more than the nap I would have taken. Oh, that's nice.

It's good because you've been awake for four hours, so I'm sure you're incredibly sleepy. You're at that age where you need 18 hours a day. Yeah, I do. Do you mean today? Uh, yes. Okay. What'd you have? Uggggghh.

That's the noise! That's the noise! That's the noise you make'd you have? Ah. That's the noise. That's the noise. That's the noise you make when you're bombing. Naylor told me yesterday that you did that show at the Truman. And when your jokes didn't hit, you would just go, Ah. Like the noise we all make. He makes it a lot.

That's the worst because I thought I did okay on that show too. Yeah. The treatment. Oh yeah, I told him. I was like, yeah, so you did the treatment show? Had a rough one, right? And he's like, I don't think so. That's what everyone's saying.

I need to bring it up so I can rethink my entire life. Yeah. What did you eat? I'll tell you what I ate if you tell me what you ate. I ate a quick trip croissant with bacon, cheese, and eggs. You need to get real. You gotta get it together, pal. I drank a smoothie. I feel healthy. Did you eat like a good 30 minutes before we left on the podcast?

I feel healthy. Yes. I feel hailed. I had a waffle with two over easy eggs and chili on top of it. I saw that. A little bit of syrup. Swiss syrup? What do you mean Swiss syrup?

You said with syrup? With syrup, yeah. You know I made up a kind of syrup? It's syrup with holes in it. It's a nightmare. It's very neutral syrup. It's awful. It's cheese that comes out of a tree.

Yeah. There's a lot of holes in it, like your story about being a lifeguard. It doesn't really hold up to scrutiny, does it? Oh no. How old were you when that kid died? I was 20-1919 so I was 19. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

I always thought it'd be cool to be a lifeguard. That's gotta be so easy to remember your age. Yeah. They had it. Yeah, oh it's amazing. You don't have to keep track of shit for the rest of your life. I love it. I love it.

Can you remember age and not you not remember 9-11? Great life! Not me, I closed my eyes and I see both those towers going down. God damn you, James. God damn you to hell! You've had it so easy.

But yeah, after the kid died, they brought the... King of segways. Back to the well. KCPD to talk to us about how it's okay that that happened. What? And then they shoot the kid for good measure. They said, you guys did the best you could.

That's not at all what we did. Man. 16 minutes is not the best we could. No. I mean, we're not even talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid.

We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. We're talking about the kid. for good measure. They said, you guys did the best you could and that's not at all what we did. 16 minutes is not the best we could have done. Could have shot for like

eight minutes or at least. Then he would have just been brain dead. Yeah. That's great. He would have got walking around out there. And we all had to do therapy,

like forced therapy. You expressed more remorse for the therapy than the child. It was awful. I hated talking about it. I was like, I don't know why I'm here. I was laughing about it. You're like, I didn't do it. Yeah.

I'm good. The police said I don't need therapy. It would have been cool if they brought Tech N9ne in instead. That would have been so awesome. A concert. That would have been cool. I don't need therapy This one goes out to Maverick Comedy show I believe People would just be yeah one after it happened lighten the mood right laughter right now Do 10 Yeah, after it happened. Can you guys lighten the mood around here? We're having laughter right now. Dayton, do 10. In front of the screen, it's like a stage.

You got this. Dayton, sing Wipeout. Do the dance, Dayton. That should really be your stage intro music. Oh, yeah. Tell the story. You can start skateboarding in the stage. Well, yeah. Do all the cooling in the stage. Oh, yeah.

Do all the cool stuff young people can do. Ripstick to the stage. Yeah. What is it? Ripstick, wiggle up there. I don't even know what that is. Ripstick?

Really? Oh, dang. Okay, wow. I know what it is, but for Mr. Brown. This isn't one of your meme accounts. It's a skateboard,

but with two wheels, and you wiggle, and you don't ever have to kick. They took the cool part out of skateboarding. Yeah, it's really not cool. Now you have to kick. They took the cool part out of skateboarding. Yeah, it's really not cool. Now you have to wiggle. Yeah.

But it's more like a scooter though because there's like a thing in the middle. There's not, no. It's just you wiggling. But it's called a Ripstick? Ripstick. That sounds awesome. Yeah, it is really cool. You can't do any tricks on it.

That actually sounds terrible. Do you ripstick? Yeah. Nice! No, you got it. No, I did. I did ripstick. Can you bring your ripstick to the club tonight? Yeah, I'll ripstick to the club tonight. An hour away. No, just put it in your car. Put it in your car and then we can play with it in the parking lot. Do you feel like a penguin? A little bit, yeah. Yeah, I guess I feel like a penguin. We all know Penguin's the athlete of the boardwalk. I went to a skate park one time with a red stick. I realized really quickly how uncool it was to have a lipstick on. People calling you names?

Wiggle around, couldn't get any girls that big. Did anyone lock eyes with you and vomit? All of them. All the skateboarders. All the actual cool people. They filled the pool with just the ground. I was just in my collared shirt. They filled it with vomit at the skate park and then you were underneath it for nearly 16 minutes. My neighbors have a

17-year-old kid who has severe emotional issues and is probably also developmentally challenged in some way. I'll always hear them screaming next door and then I'll run to the window to see what's going on. One time he fucking screamed, I'm getting the fuck out of here.

And the door slammed and I ran over there and I just saw him hop on his razor and scoot away. It was crazy, man. Leave me alone. Yeah. One time I tried running away from home and I rode my bike like a child adult. But I was wearing flip-flops and I cut my toe on my bike like four houses away from my house

and came back and nobody even knew but I knew I was in a real mood about it my battle move from when I tried to escape my dad blasted my sister recently the 4th of July because she always likes to make fun of me for learning to ride a bike first she's like I learned to ride a bike before you and then my dad was like and that was the last time you were ever on a fucking bike she like shut up she's pure evil you know it's bad when Sophie doesn't have a rejoinder oh tell me what happened downstairs, on stage. Oh.

I almost clocked it. Yeah, anyway. So I was doing a set, a comedy set. Yeah. It wasn't like a complex math problem. Yeah, it was. You were doing a comedic set. Yeah.

Yeah. And so I have a bit. You do a lot of act outs, a lot of voices voices I would say I'm the man of a thousand yeah I think so yeah and one of them's right I tell you what, it bad. Wow! Yeah. Anyway, I have a story about getting mugged in my act and part of it involves me miming out a punch.

Yeah. Ooh, a punch. Why do I just get the most nervous I've ever been in my life? I don't know. I'm so close to hitting you. It's tough to follow Davey. I think his story was about actual bad physical things happening to people, and mine's like, this kind of thing.

I was nervous. I literally did. I think I'm just thinking about what I was thinking about in that moment, which was, oh my God, that almost was the worst. Anyway, so in this room, you're, the stage, or the performance area, it's kind of in the middle of the room, and to your left, stage left we would call it in the theater, there's the bathrooms, but they're like a little tucked away so as I'm miming me getting punched in the head

this woman comes out of the bathroom and walks right in front of me she has no respect for comedy she walks right in front of me and I came so close to punching her right in the face it was bone chilling it was crazy

I dropped my fork that's how you know I was like a gasp If I didn't put that waffle and chili over my mouth It was like the absolute worst timing and I like I like saw her and she maybe like a foot and a half maybe Tall? Yeah She was dying. So dying. Mike was doing his little person here Yeah, I'm like a dwarf type guy She was dying. So dying.

Mike was doing his little person carrier. Yeah, I'm like a dwarf type guy. Yeah, totally. That lady came from the moon drop circuit. You know what's crazy is that I somehow missed the punch act out. And I was just laughing like a maniac because of the timing. If you'd be like, and then this guy came out of nowhere as somebody came and I thought that's what everybody was laughing at. I was like wow that is pretty funny timing. But I didn't see the punch so it was pretty silly. I was like wow we're all pretty impressed easily.

Yeah, I had a lot of good timing bits down there. Oh yeah, I like winked when the guy hit the bell. It was a really beautiful set. Yeah, I think it was one the guy hit the bell. Yeah. It was a really beautiful set. Yeah, I think it was one of the greatest sets ever. It was the best set that happened at 2.30 in the afternoon. In Strawberry Hill, Kansas. That's for sure.

Synchronously, you know. Last night we had that guy at the show just get out of jail. Yeah. Oh my God, what a gift he was. Listen. He was sleeveless. He had a long, pointy Van Dyke beard. And a big blue drink that Sam willingly drank out of. I took a sip out of this former prisoner's bev.

Yeah. I was trying to build rapport and trust, you know? Yeah, he was showing everybody what trust looked like. Yeah. He was trying to guess what he did to get in jail throughout the whole show. And he wouldn't tell me. He wouldn't tell you? No.

He told me afterward it was armed robbery. Oh, man. Which isn't the funny crime, you know? No. Yeah. The funny crime, you're the hottest riff of the night. Like, I'm going to say,

is it a real life status on your podcast? You know, so, is that from when you stole a tractor and drove it into a black church? What the fuck? And then I, like, it was so self-indulgent, but I couldn't recover. I was laughing at what I said so hard that I started crying. I was on stage crying at my own goo.

And I had to be like, let's hear it for the waitress. Yeah, that kind of is. At the end of the show, you were asking the ladies in the room to be generous and just give him sex. You know what I mean? You don't really have sex with somebody like that. You just give them sex. Well he usually takes it.

Right. Yeah, well he's been given a lot of sex. He's a sex thief. That's what the kids call it, right David? Yeah. Sex thief. He made it sound like he was given plenty while he was locked up, you know? He kept intimating rape against another guy in the crowd.

Oh. That guy in the blue shirt. Wait, I thought he was saying that he had been assaulted in jail. No. Oh. He was like doing the classic, like, you know, just joking about prison rape, you know? I picked up a totally different vibe at the end there when he was talking to you about it afterwards.

I think he was saying, like, yeah, I got it. Oh, God. But anyway, this was, like, at the very end at the merch table. During the show, you were, like, trying to solicit some... And then I had a sudden memory of a time, not to do with this guy, but one time I hooked up with a guy in my first apartment, and we had a party. I hooked up with this guy. I didn't know and then I found out the next day that he had gotten out of jail that day and I didn't know but it was definitely

it was a memorably weird one it was Jason Melton you texted him like hey you want to come over yet Leave me alone! This guy, we didn't have sex, but he went down on me for too long of a time. And he kept playing Eminem's Superman on repeat. No way! He kept getting up and starting over. He kept getting up and starting over Eminem's Superman. And I can't listen to that song now because I was really fucked up. He would get up, restart Supermanman drink some more kool-aid i have not had many encounters i had never worked at a water park i wasn't full of sex

i was like is this how it's supposed to go and then finding out the next day he'd just get out of jail i was like i don't think that's how it's supposed to go that was regular i don't know have any of you guys been to jail? Yeah. Yeah, one time. Yeah. I'd like to hear those stories. It wasn't a hoot. Yeah.

It wasn't a blast. I do not recommend it. Yeah. It was for marijuana. It happened to me very recently. Oh, yeah. I remember. Yeah.

Yeah. And, yeah. I thought it was just going be like oh we gotcha then in Oklahoma and Tulsa yeah yeah and I got strip searched I got put in lockdown after our show yeah yeah it was like I came here right now oh okay yeah I heard you talk this is like the first weekend after that yeah but yeah so you would since yeah yeah I've been working on talking about the whole scope of that story but like yeah that fucking sucked also I didn't have any weed on me

I was only staying there to buy weed the next day my friend had a medical card oh my god but what not and it's hard to make it weird again, but what not a lot of people know about that arrest is that when the cop showed up, I was technically masturbating. Whoa. He heard you? What does that mean? Technically masturbating. She blew the whistle.

Charles the cop's new. I don't know if you guys can understand this, but as a lady, I have to express that it was not sexual. It was medical, it felt. Because, I don't know, sometimes you just need that kind of relief. I was offered a place to stay that night, but I was like, you know what? Totally understand. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're not alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway. Most masturbation is made. Yeah, I'm never like, this is going to rule. Well, fuck. mace. Yeah, I'm never like, this is going to rule. Well, fuck. Damn waste. Specifically for relief of cramps.

And that's a very common thing. You're like, I need to just do this. Maybe this will help or whatever. It's like when I have heartburn. Tums didn't work. I do it to relieve cramps. Yeah. First thing Naylor said in 40 minutes. I do it to relieve Gramps. Yeah. But, so when the cop called up... First thing Naylor said in 40 minutes.

I feel bad! Naylor, getting involved. I've been sitting on that one for a while. From Clown Town! It would have been saying that before his voice blew the phone over. Yeah. I saw the lights, I saw the cop car lights pull up and I was like, oh no.

And I was freaking out because I was masturbating. So I dropped my vibrator and the porn that I was watching. And so there was a vibrator flopping around the corner of my car while I'm freaking out. There's police. And so I'm like, if you're going to get caught doing something, you're an extra level of freaking out. And so when the cop came up to the window by the time he came up and had gotten everything like kind of put away he's like does it smell like weed in there i was like yeah it's like that's the thing that's what it was yeah it

definitely just smells like weed or something right it would have rocked if he was like this You're like, no, officer. It's me. I'm glad that... Has there been lasting ramifications from that incident? Are you okay? From the arrest? Yeah. I mean, it cost...

I wasn't able to buy a van. I had to spend all my money on... Give it to Oklahoma, which technically I found out during quarantine we never even properly stole the east half of Oklahoma from the Native Americans. We forgot to sign that contract, or however it works when you steal people's money. We wrote up the paperwork, so this is fine. So I don't know. I feel really shitty about giving money for a weed crime to a false government.

Well, that's why i'm going up there next weekend to officially steal that land oh yes yeah where are you gonna be there dating them riffing what you looking for a guest set he's tired He's tired. I'm Dayton. I'm Dayton. I'm Riffy. Oh, Dayton.

Earth to Dayton. Riff alert. I should have blown a whistle. Don't chime in when Daddy's got his finger on the trigger of the Riff Gun. Dayton. All right, people. Tell them your names. Tell them where to find you. Thank you for joining me.

I'm Rena Calm, and since we didn't get it yesterday, I'll let you guys know. Okay. You can find me on AaronNaylor.com No, RenaCalm.com and on Instagram at Rena Calm

and I'll be in a parking lot near you trying to keep my hands out of my pants. Man, that's a little weird.

I'll tell you what, for the fuck, here we go. It's a wolf man, baby. I'm the wolf man, Jack, and I tell you what, we go wild. It's a wolf band, baby. I'm the wolf band, Jack, and I tell you what, if you're in Chicago, Illinois, every Tuesday night at the Lincoln Lodge,

best night ever, come and hang out. And Mike O'Keefe is my favorite comedian. He's at the Mike O'Keefe on all the social media. Cool, baby. Follow that, Naylor. Do you need any cool voices? No. Do a voice. Do a voice like a British guy, I'm Aaron Naylor. Check me out on IamAaronNaylor.com.

I'll produce your podcast for you anytime you want. Those are good. Those are good boys. Thank you. All right. Now, you're usually doing a voice, so why don't you talk normal? I'm Dayton Bissett. You can follow me on Instagram at Dayton

alright Dayton you were you really that was a fun story thank you for sharing your trauma with us everyone was great besides Naylor and no Fargo North Dakota for me next weekend Denver Denver comedy lounge the following

weekend. And then I'll be in New York city, the end of the month. So get on our Patreon, uh, Joey behemoth on Patreon. And thank you all for listening live from Kansas city. I'm just kidding. Naylor. I'm not really mad at you. Thanks.

More like.