Chubby Behemoth - Get The Bucket

Episode Date: May 27, 2023

Manscaped: Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at Manscaped.com promo code: CHUBBY   Füm: Head to https://www.tryfum.com & use promo code CHUBBY to save an additional 10% off on your order   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Loan For My Bone. Kill Off The Hair. Tornado Of F*ck.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

everything's normal right what happened everything's just how it should be i gnashed my testicular sack i twisted my bag real bad trying to put my shoes on i was doing that thing where you put your shoe on without untying it and i was like doing the chubby checker come on baby oh god my lads and i was just standing in the living room of my host family being like oh oh and i couldn't explain that it was mis testicularis mis huevos see huevos is good but i want to tell like old miriam that i fucking mushed my bag so pelota i think is ball yeah pelota's ball huevos is a a good old fashioned guy slang for nads. But then I,

you know, so then I got here and then I forgot my computer charger. So I had to, uh, uh, necesito regressar on me casa. Um, but here we are.

And I'm, I'm happy to see you. How mad were you? Not that mad because I knew you didn't have to go to work if you had to go to work i would have been very mad because then you would have yelled at me and made me feel small and incompetent i didn't want that today's a good day it is you're almost done with this fucking nightmare that is helping the people of ecuador via your wife i mean i'm not doing shit all i'm doing is using all their toilet paper and filling up every goddamn basura.

She's helping them, and you're helping her, so it's kind of, you know, you're helping by proxy. Oh, yeah, no, I'm the best. You're right, I am helping, and everyone should be like, USA, Sam T's the man. Oh, dude, I've been eating so much Trace Leche's cake. Yeah. Dude, the, I've been eating so much Trace Lecce's cake. Yeah. Dude, the panaderias here.

Oh, my God. There's just Trace Lecce's cake everywhere. It's like if Becker went to fucking Portland. It's just his drug of choice is available on every street corner. It's cheap, dude. It's so fucking cheap. The cake here is like two bucks for a big old cake and also if you're alone out there no one knows you had one and then maybe you meet up with them

and you say hey you know it'd be cool if we got a trace late chase cake double dip have you done that yes twice you have two people down there and you've lied to both of them about your Leches intake. Yes, but also they've got to enjoy some cake with me. So that's been nice for them. Say Sleches. Say Sleches. And they got one down here that has coffee at the bottom of it, like a tiramisu. And that one is gas.

Yeah, but you guys tried some actual tiramisu, and it wasn't good. Was that correct correct that's correct yeah we got some like the panaderias down here are open like until midnight but the later you go the older the cake is so they're kind of like liquor stores in colorado where if you get there at 11 55 they'll just like you know give you the cake equivalent of a bottle of Rumble Mints and you have to be happy with it. Yeah. The Rumble Mint stays fresh because it's capped.

Correct. This is in a spinning case. Gives you half a bottle. There you go. Old Sid was in here before you. Yeah, Old Sid was able to down about half of this before I kicked his ass out of here. But you can have it for four bucks.

Before I caught his ass in the mirror at the end of the aisle. So, yeah, the mouthpiece does reek visibly. But four bucks. Take it or leave it. That's worth more than the gold in the bottle. There's cartoon stench lines coming off of it. Yeah, it must have flies in the bottle somehow. cartoon stench lines coming off of it yeah it just flies in the bottle somehow what's your shirt uh oh it says uh i love y'all bye it's a phil pointer shirt phil pointer down

there in cincinnati you met phil right big black phil huge ass i think he did a set on the last show sunday show oh was he there for sunglass sundays wasn't he maybe not i think so he did a guest spot but maybe not on sunglass sunday dude sunglass sunday ruled i can't wait to bring it back the first weekend of december out there at old go bananas in cincinnati ohio yeah baby yeah but yeah phil hit me up and he was like, you want to come back? You should. We'd love to have you. I am.

It's in my calendar. Good. So Phil hit me up. He was like, Hey, is it true? You used to walk around downtown Denver without shoes on? Because if so,

I used to do the same thing before an old homeless man warned me about staff infection. And I just responded. And I was like, yes, I did. But no one warned me about staff infection. I just got and i was like yes i did but no one warned me about staff infection i just got shoes finally nobody cared yeah no one cared what my fucking feet were

rotting from he was doing it in denver or was he talking about cincinnati or somewhere else old natty both queen cities one on the plains were on the. And both two ample butted boys just out there sand shoes, making their way downtown. I can't wait to get home. You've been gone forever. You went from somewhere to Mexico to Ecuador.

You weren't in Fort Collins before Mexico, right? You were in New Orleans. I've been gone since April 19thth since april 19th i've uh you know philadelphia uh had a flight cancel had to stay in chicago overnight went to a went to a fucking uh cajun wedding down there an old uh iberville louisiana spent some time in new orleans with my fam. Shipped off to Mexico with you.

Made our way through the sand, dodging bullets, honking senoritas, not asking for questions. And then now I've been in Ecuador just drinking water and eating cake. What was the fruit that you shared on your Instagram? It looked gross. I'll bet it was delicious. Oh, so I don't even know the name of that thing. They just have them in a bowl at my host family's house. And I don't know if they're for me or if they're for the two-year-old nephew who lives next door. So when Miriam goes out to feed the dogs, I hear the door open and I come out of my writing room and I go and I eat one.

It's my little secret treat since I haven't been boozing down here. No booze or what? Little booze? I've had maybe four beers since I've been here. Why? I don't know. Because I was trying to dry out, you know? Trying to let my mitochondria reform themselves.

Okay. Yeah. I guess I had like six beers and baños but that doesn't count i was in a hot tub you said it got busy did you had to share tubs with other people or was were you able to get your own space or what there was a lot of sharing my tub which is my torso with the tub so yeah it was my giant body and then like you know very small and gorgeous rich latina women just like kind of like kind of you know like when you let the water out of a bathtub and the water just goes in a swirl and all the hair and detritus goes around the drain that was them in my gravity in the bathtub yeah just getting dizzy in there yeah just circling me i told you about how

daddy didn't want to go in the down syndrome room right in the down syndrome pool i don't think so yeah there was a girl with down syndrome in one of the pools and the other three were full and my dad looked at the girl with down syndrome alone in one of the hot tubs and he looked at me and he went we can't get in there what's his problem i think he thought that he would catch something she like really had it too though she was thwacked with the downs okay i do remember saying something awful i think i called her droopy on oh yeah the previous episode that's right i don't remember your dad being scared of her yeah my dad was like hey call her churchill because she's got downs and i was like that's pretty good we gotta get out of here oh no we i was talking about uh the birthday girl at the comedy cabin i think so yes yes yes

we've we've been around them they're everywhere they're everywhere man what's up with you what you got for me well you talking about the pretty locals made me think of a pretty local that pissed me off yesterday she was a real slap nuts at the bar there were these two women that came in body to me what's that describe her body uh i don't know which one of our friends did she most resemble which one of your exes actually did she most resemble uh she kind of looked like this uh lady monica that i saw briefly who was native american this woman i think was mexican but very pretty face very pretty striking face and was nice at first she and this other girl work at one of the banks here they're known as the bank girls

and they were fine and then they had a couple shots and a couple beers. And then they were getting out of there. And one of them signed out, tipped. The other one says, let me get four shots. And I want you to do one with me. And I said, well, as I told you earlier, I don't drink. And she said, that's not acceptable. And I said, okay what i'll do a shot

with you and i did sprite and she goes what is that tonic and i was like no it's sprite and it's what you're getting and she was like that doesn't count and i was like i'm not gonna drink with you girl who i've known for two seconds it was crazy she was so fucking so pretty just used to getting her way you know and she she sees some you know slob who she assumes will shoot the president for her if she asks yeah some human toilet yeah yeah i'm just a fucking what were you saying in mexico toilet worm yeah yeah i crawled out of the sewers and i'm you know i'll do anything for a smile and a handshake yeah and so i'll throw almost seven years of sobriety down the drain where the worms are for her at her behest yeah and it fucking made me so mad i was like you tune her up

no i tuned up the band i started stopping in the corner i was gonna give her sweet shit music yeah but she got out of there no it was just you just put her in the razor's edge position but you didn't drop her on her head right yeah and then let her wiggle out god dude i was like what the fuck and then she's like oh tell suzanne that the bank girls were here and we miss her she likes she like and she was like what the fuck and then she's like oh tell Suzanne that the bank girls were here and we miss her and she was like she likes me more than you and I was like no she doesn't what the fuck are you talking about

if this is any indication of how you are in here then no Suzanne does not like you more than me it would have been great if you were like wait what she does what she fucking told you that that sucks what he's what there's no way

this is bullshit I've been working here for two years no I'm calling her right now I'm calling her right now Suzanne the bank girl's here oh yeah hold on yeah I'll put you on speaker say it with your chest Suzanne me or bank girl I'll put you on speaker. Say it with your chest, Suzanne,

me or bank girl. So yeah, that was, uh, that was very frustrating and annoying. Yeah. Hopefully she is very hung over today. Yeah.

Did you put any like vising in her drinks? No, I just poured the shots. She fucking didn't tip. So that was very cool of her. Very classy move. Didn't tip. No poured the shots. She fucking didn't tip. So that was very cool of her. Very classy move. Didn't tip. No. Four shots.

Jeopardized your fucking fickle sobriety. My kid's education. Tenuous grasp on sobriety. And she didn't tip. No. I even sold the Sprite. I took the shot and I was like. Nice.

Oh, God. That's's spicy i missed that i missed that hello old friend good to see you again i should have poured like two more shots of sprite real quick and i'm like i'm back baby stick around girl you rip your shirt off and wrap it around your head and you say i'm a terrorist i'm gonna make a deposit hey i need a loan for my bone then you slap your thrombing rod on the bar as soon as i take a shot of alcohol my dick gets hard it's like oh welcome back oh hello where have you been welcome back from sabical. Did you find what you were looking for in my balls? The beast is awoken from his slumber.

The tiniest beast. The giant stirs. It's fucking hot in here. Bro, it's so hot in here too. And I have to have the door shut so my dad can do his Sudokus. I'm just in here dripping. Oh, God. At least your balls don't hurt yeah i have not twisted my balls or my sack they are good when i was a kid i had torsion i had to

go to the hospital they got wrapped around each other what were you doing with them i don't remember i think i was probably doing one of my Chris Farley impressions. You were doing an act out? Yeah. I was like. You were doing the Matt Foley shuffle and you twisted up? Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, my God.

Yeah, or I was doing a truffle shuffle for, like, an eighth-grade football game. I can't remember. But, you know that game that girls play in the park where they whack the ball and it goes around the pole it's only for girls and like short boys not croquet no you know with the pole and there's the ball on the string oh tetherball yeah tetherball yeah i tetherballed my own my own uh my own my guys my guys got all tangled up the committee yes yeah junior in the bunch oh dude uh exciting news for our 20 patrons i met with our friend leslie she's gonna help us out with some merch so hang in there if you're in, stay in line. And we'll have Patreon stuff in the mail.

That is Chubby Behemoth stuff. And those things, most of that stuff will then eventually be available to all. So thank you to Leslie. She has an Instagram account. It's osnaplala, O-H-S-n-a-p-l-a-l-a and on there is her etsy so you can check out her stuff she's very talented and i'm excited to uh have a bunch of our our our memes our sayings our characters uh printed out and plastered on some stickers and some shirts and some maybe some pint glasses and uh yeah it'll be we're all very excited to start honoring our

promises that's what we're your promise that you made me promise yes well hey fulfill the prophecy that you bestowed upon me hey what are we doing today what was our rule for today's podcast no rules yes it was nice to each other oh i didn't i missed that memo you're being a very you're being a bank girl right now and i'm you my secretary i'm sober off of getting yelled at by you i'm going cold turkey from getting lashed at by old lun man oh i'm gonna lash you so hard june 2nd you should because guess what you can lash me in matching outfits that i purchased us down there yes no down here is it are we going to appropriate someone's culture or no yes but we're not sure who's oh that's good nobody can be mad because nobody exactly claim it with any certainty

yeah you can't put us in a corner what let's take our shirts off man all right take your shirt off gonna oh yeah yep yep this is what this is what men's bodies are allowed to look like in 2023 hey nathan uh why would you start why the fuck would you start you know sam father's day is coming up uh my dad's dead but but yours is still alive, supposedly. It's coming up, and you probably have no idea what to get your old man. You don't. I don't. How are you going to get him?

Guinea pig? Pocket pussy? I'm going to give him a pocket pussy. A new wife? Yeah. He doesn't want to get married again. Dude, my sister's really nervous that he's going to get married again, and we're going to get cut out of the will.

That's like a legitimate fear she has. It's going to be some fucking black widow gold digger. That'd be cool. Have a new black mom. He's going to take his ponytail. Yes. Well, yeah. So you don't know what to get your dad for Father's Day.

Why don't you let Manscaped help? Okay, Manscaped. what should I get my dad? You should get him a glass of Shut Up so I can read this. Manscaped's Performance Package 4.0 has everything dad needs to get grooming. The package includes the Lawn Mower 4.0 Trimmer, the Weed Wecker 2.0 Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer, the Crop Preserver ball deodorant, crop reviver tone and toner, performance boxer briefs. I didn't correct you, did I?

I let you live. That's what friends do. Yeah, you're doing a good job. Thank you. So all of that comes in a travel bag. So everything is ready. I came in a travel bag so everything i did that once i came in a travel bag cool why don't you shove yourself in there and mail yourself to a different country in south america you can just stay down there forever with your shitty internet and your dogs

nipping at your butt look i know that for sure if there's one thing dads love it's trimming their pubes there's nothing that dads love to do more than just get in there and uproot that fucking mound they've had since fog hat was on was opening for elo so um if your dad already has his grooming routine down why do you know that why would he tell you that why would your dad tell you hey guess what i'm fucking smooth as hell boy get out of the bathroom leave him be you guys don't have to be in there at the same time take turns there's plenty of battery life to go around or you can just plug it into the wall and you guys can trim the night away if you have some kind of weird camera impregnated in your

dad's mirror so you can see when he is shorn and when he is not shorn we're not here to judge you okay if that's how you bond with duddy go crazy but if you really want to make dad happy and also if you want to make your mom happy because she's probably tired of that just fucking tumbleweed he has or maybe your dad's double dipping maybe he's going to the old truck stop and banging out strange dudes get 20 off and free shipping with the code chubby at manscaped.com that's 20 off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code chubby c-h-u-b-b-. Make this Father's Day one he won't forget with Manscaped. My dad is going to forget this Father's Day because he's sucking the devil's dick in hell.

You forgot your dad even when he was alive. If your dad already has his grooming routine down, hook him up with Manscaped's Boxers 2.0. They're super comfortable, breathable, and supportive like much like his wife never was chubby at manscape.com oh you know what sucks uh i caught a glimpse of my back in the mirror not too long ago don't do that well i hadn't in a long time and then i see it i'm like oh no there's like 10 times as much hair as there was the last time I saw it. Dude, hair is the least of your worries back there. I look at your back all the

time and I'm like, what the fuck? What is this? I can't really... Oh yeah, you can see it. You have those dimples above your ass too. I got it all. Oh, you know, it's funny. We got to share that picture of you spraying my

butt crack with sunblock. I didn't realize my butt was that out. I thought I had given a little peek. Instead, you got the whole magilla. Yeah, no. It was fucking 4D. It was...

It's like seeing a movie when the seats rattle. they like spray you with this. And you can smell stuff. That's how much of your butt I could experience. Yeah. You always think that I'm like sneaking a pencil in your butt crack, but no, it's like the length of the pencil whenever I put it in there. No, it's not. But in this case, I dumped.

I dumped my dump you sure did when i saw it when saul the james gang was available for bookings when i when i first saw it i thought it was your butt which like fucked with my brain because i knew the picture was me but it looked like your butt long and long crack and deep want to end but it doesn't yeah my butt crack is to be continued it's a real cliffhanger of an ass it was crazy our butts and it hurt your brain it's like how some couples start to look alike. Our butts are starting to mimic each other. Yeah, your face looks like my butt.

It's like a pet and its owner. Dude, I forgot about this. Did I ever tell you about the time when I got busted with tape on my nipples in the high school football locker room? I think so, but why don't you tell it again? Dude, I used to put duct tape on my nipples to kill off the hair because someone told me that would kill the hair or stop the hair from growing. And I was super itchy all the time on my nips. So I used to just always smack duct tape on there and also it

would suppress my nipples for when they got hard when my young little like 17 year old nipples got hard and people could see them through my shirt it was like a double whammy it's like hide my giant nipples and then also kill the hair so i was like well i'm the smartest boy alive this is great i should probably get a scholarship for my research in this. So I had a football game and the rights to the truffle shuffle were handed down from senior to senior. And my senior year, Wyatt Mays bestowed the truffle shuffle upon me. So whenever we'd win, I would hop up on a bench, take off my shirt. Everyone would cheer, truffle, shuffle, truffle, shuffle. I would take off my shirt, do the wiggle around, you know, everyone loved it. Just the fucking real mood saver. And then the party would begin.

So I hopped up on that bench after a game. I think we were in Jefferson County stadium and I took my damn shirt off, took my pads off, took my Jersey off. And then lo and behold, I forgot that I just had fucking black X's on my nips and instead of everyone going here he goes party it's going down everyone was just silent and i was doing my patented dance wiggling it all around showing them what i had and everyone was just like kind of looking at each other and my first thought was oh good my pants tore and they can see my pangas i looked down penis was hidden and then i looked down and i saw that my fucking nipples had tape on them. And I did the classic like, oh, no. And then my coach, Coach Pine came up, ripped the tape off.

And thank God he smelt it and went, not bad. And then everyone was like, surf's up, you know. But it was so horrific, dude. It was the worst. Why would he smell them? why would he think to smell him that's like i mean i do that with my own body but not my fucking nose tackle or no you were on o-line yeah well that was a big part of uh the the masculinity that was on display in elizabeth high school football was smelling people's jock straps, smelling people's cleats, smelling people's helmets.

Also, I think he was bailing me out. Yeah, he bailed me out because he thought I was some little homo who just outed himself in front of all the boys. He didn't respect me. But he still saved me. That's a real coach. He's sworn off.

Yeah, exactly. I was the city he swore to defend i look kind of buff that's pretty cool look at that yeah in this angle look i look buff whoa lun's buff okay the duck lips aren't helping but yes look how why do you look so buff? Look how broad I am. You look like Chris Pierce. God, I wish. He's getting hot. I don't look buff at all. Look how big my head looks.

You look slight and slender with a big head. Yeah, this sucks. What the fuck? Is this how I always look? Well, no, you're not always shirtless. Look at this. Yeah, now you really look like a fucking match i don't have any arms yeah i'm a little flipper boy oh it's storming out there i can hear thunder meanwhile it's a fucking jungle in here it's all humid because of the snake oh does he have to keep it wet for the snake no no it's not it's okay warm in here there's not i don't have the front doors open so

there's no cool breeze coming through you know what you should do let george michael and the snake like out let the snake out of his cage put george michael the snake in the bathroom, see who wins. Well, this snake is fucking... He finally ate after like two months. We wasted, I think, six rats on his ass because once they cool down past

95 degrees, then he won't eat it. So Megan just had to toss him. So he kept fucking putting rats in there. He's a little posh, little spoiled princess of a it so she megan just had to toss them so he kept fucking putting rats in there but he's fucking he's a little posh little spoiled princess of a snake so he wasn't eating and he finally ate what a great problem to have yeah i would love to go two months yeah look at me now look i'm buff now yeah kind of look The shoulders look good.

Arms. Yeah, the arms look good. Very wide. Yeah. Very wide. Look how wide I am. Yeah, wide is good. I'm very wide.

Yeah, wide is better. Because look, look how my head looks normal right now. Yeah. And then. Uh-oh. Whoops. Two heads. Uh-oh.

Little formaldehyde babies here. Two heads. Not always no. A little formaldehyde babies here. Two heads. Not always better than one. Put me in the geek pit. Feed me all the geese. Not formaldehyde. I think it's thalidomide. Thalidomide.

Thalidomide baby, yeah. Is that in geek love? Yes, it is. And I got to say, when I get back to Colorado, no one's allowed to correct me ever, no matter what I say. Oh, I forgot. I forgot. All right. No, you're okay. You're good. Look, I'm not mad at you. I get back to Colorado, no one's allowed to correct me ever, no matter what I say. Oh, I forgot. I forgot. All right.

No, you're okay. You're good. Look, I'm not mad at you. I get it. You're doing your job. You're doing your due diligence over there. You're like a Wall Street bets trader. But fucking A.

If someone tells me to say Cone one more time, I am committing the ultimate crime. Family annihilator. Uh-huh. Yeah. Goodbye. Say goodbye, Emi. Say... Say it, Emi. Say it in Spanish. Adios. It's hard to say it with that gun in your mouth, isn't it?

Adios. Hasta luego, mi vida. Adios. But I speak fluent Spanish now, so that's good. The dogs are back, huh huh they've never went away i couldn't hear it's just a constant tornado of fuck down here a tornado of fuck i'm just in the eye of the shit storm 24 7 are the streets running red with blood or are the protesters uh calm oh yeah that lasted

like 48 hours it was fine what is congress rehired or no no one cares everyone's like yeah that just happens like every two years down here president does whatever he wants embezzles a bunch of money dissolves congress and then he kind of does what he wants for three months but he lives in fear of getting like deposed or assassinated so he's usually pretty good about it so he's polite while doing what he wants like their checks and balance system is a clock tower and a rifle that's all that they have to worry about down here the good old days. Yeah. Charles Starkweather, my favorite president. Who's that? That was that guy who shot all those kids at the University of Texas, I think. That's funny that you know his name.

Well, you know, a lot of guys know Michael Jordan. I know my hero's names. Fuck. Oh, I was reading about a Twitter thread about kent state because you know your mom was there uh one of those students was a fucking narc he was like working with the fbi and like local police like just like narcing out uh i don't know if it was war protesters draft dodgers whatever i'm sure probably all of it. I think it was guys who were getting a little too much pussy.

Not saving any for the rest of us. He's narcing them out so that he could get his knobs lobbed. Yeah, he's like, this guy's been fingering since undergrad, and now he's in his master's? Not fair. We'll be on the green. Oh, but yeah, he

it was so much information i just tried to like stick to the the tweets instead of also looking at the documentation but uh yeah he almost certainly like was given a gun by local cops and then fired it so that they so that the national guard could shoot back it It was fucked, man. It would have been bad enough if the cops just decided to open fire, but I think that it was planned, so that's just awful. Anyway, I don't know why he brought it up. I guess because he brought up a tragedy on a college campus,

and I was like, let's dive deeper you know what i you know the you know the rumor the uh the conspiracy theory about uh the virginia tech shooter chinese i think i remember pictures he was chinese yeah he was korean though that's that's how deep this thing goes oh that's why he did it because people kept saying he's are you chinese hey i heard you're from china what's going on how's the great wall and then he snapped so really it's our fault by not knowing our asian friends they can tell each other apart oh i'm broad again hey watch out hey keep me out of that revolving door. No one's getting free. Look at this.

It's so thick. Whoa. Stop wiggling. It's like my bones are trying to get loose. Yeah, those shoulders are popping. Then, of course, I can do this maneuver. Oh, yeah. I wish. I can't even come close. No one knows about that.

And then in the back. Oh yeah. I get to know each other. Elbows. Yeah. My elbows. I've never met. They're strangers.

I want to get another massage. You know what I want is I want the Virginia shooters mom to walk on my back. That's what I want. You're what I want is I want, uh, the Virginia Tech shooters mom to walk on my back. That's what I want. You're going to do. So you're not, you haven't sworn off massages. No,

you had a bad first time, but you're going to try again. I didn't have a bad first time. It was just really weird. Cause, uh, you know, a 19 year old girl who didn't speak any English was just rubbing me down

with her forearm. So Emily was over there getting fucking oil rubbed all over her honkers and he kept giggling and i was like why were you giggling and she's like well she kept oiling up my boobs and i was like i'm glad i was face down for that yeah i would have hated to see that that would have sucked for sure it would have sucked to get hard yeah that would have sucked Especially because that hole in the table wasn't big enough. Milk me! Milk me!

Get the bucket! Do you ever watch the porn videos where the dicks threw a hole or threw the table? It's always weird to me. It just looks like just a dick showed up. Oh, hey, i don't like it yeah he like has his time card he clocks in hello i'm just a dick today i'll be your just a penis this afternoon yeah he leaves the apartment says bye to his owner you know the guy yeah the balls. Hey, Balls, come on.

It's the three of us today. Dad's got another gig. Dad's got a hand modeling gig across town. Yeah, he's just outsourcing his parts. Yeah, we've got a gland modeling gig today. He's really hustling. This guy with the detachable penis. King Missile.

hustling this guy with a detachable penis i a king missile i've given up on uh you know the pleasures of the documentarian flesh documentarian porn see you know you never really were a big whacker you always say you just saved it for whoever you were with yeah i mean when i was younger i mean i could have been in the hall of fame right no i'm not talking about when you were a pre-teen yeah there should be a bust of me in the uh in the in the bang bros uh in the bang bus like 90 second videos yeah i probably put up some huge numbers compared to the rest of the general population. God, taking the shirt off barely helps. I have my favorites, you know.

I have some old friends that I visit from time to time, kind of like visiting my grandfather at the nursing home. I swing by, say, do you remember me? Because I remember you. It's very gratifying for one of us. One of us of us says the other one doesn't know that i'm there but i'm really enjoying myself dude one of the best things ever was when we both said gianna michaels i couldn't believe it there's a million people we could have said and we had never talked about it no and that was like episode seven or something it was early on and i was like we got something here

we still got that old black magic we're getting our rhythm back like a session musician dude have you ever fucked with chat gpt uh no bro it's fucking wild what are you doing with it i'm saying uh write a description of my best friend and it always says a very furry extremely hairy back uh snake owner um sober begrudgingly uh secretly thick. Looks great from the clavicles up. So, yeah. Black. Black. God, yeah.

AI has a way to go. There's a lot more misses than they're making contact. We all have a bad habit or two. I used to chew my nails. You used to gamble to the point of being destitute. I have currently right now. I just bit off a fingernail while we were reading the last ad, and I'm kind of chewing it up right now with my teeth. Awesome.

Well, we're human. It's okay. But I'll tell you this. well we're human it's okay but i'll tell you this fume lets you remove the bad while keeping the habit making it a much easier transition on your brain and body that gross disgusting body of yours yeah good thing that uh i don't really have any bad habits like gluttony or sloth my habits aren't really bad habits. They're more seven deadly sins. Yes.

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Award-nominated? That's big. No electronics. Fume is completely natural, just like me. And not like Chris Pierce, who's for sure on Guatemalan boy hormone. There's no vapor or harmful chemicals. Fume just uses air and all-natural delicious delicious flavors like white cranberry and crisp mint. Finally, cranberry for guys like us. Hey, Lund, do you have a favorite flavor of Fume brand product?

You know what? I got both white cranberry and crisp mint. But I think the most exciting and innovative flavor is the maple pepper. You feel like you're out in the woods just huffing a tree,

a delicious tree. Where are we? A Canadian wedding where it's interracial? Yeah, it's fucking crazy in your mouth and your lungs. You love honking on fume don't you i do i just want to put something in my mouth and and inhale and get some kind of fucking relief from the the grind from the hamster wheel i know hey by the way here's that fingernail i was telling

you about oh god isn't that cool you could pick a lock with that thing i know dude yeah you know what i do you know what's completely fucked is sometimes i'll get one of these bad boys and then i use it to floss my teeth yeah yeah we've all done that's a classic right that's not weird it i've i've done it oh good i think that's why you have fingernails i've done it with toenails toenails are dangerous because they'll really tear the shit out of your gums. Yeah, but I'm in control. They're thick, man. Speaking of

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No, dude, but I'm writing my new novel. And there's elements of Marine Corps boot camp in it. And you can ask ChatGPT, like, what brand of cigarettes are for sale in Marine Boot Camp Commissary in Parris Island, South Carolina? And it just lists them all for you. It's so... Sorry. That's Google, too, though, isn't it? No, dude, because Google you have to

search through... A bunch of bullshit, yeah. Yeah, you got to click and unclick. ChatGPT just gives you exactly what you want, dude. Give me the donuts. You can also say write a paragraph in the style of Sam Talent about the Westminster dog show.

And then it gives you a paragraph about whatever you want. It doesn't sound exactly like me at all, but it does sound like something that I would have wrote when I was younger. It's fucking spooky, dude. Yeah. We're done. We're done. younger it's fucking spooky dude yeah we're done we're done no i've seen a lot of people share examples of them of chat gpt or whatever writing stuff and it's always off a little bit like the ai like pictures of the magic like hands and stuff or just yeah it

just sounds like a total nerd who has encyclopedia Britannica at home and has their parents help them with a book report. Like, it's like it's very try hard. There's no yeah, there's no flair. There's no personality. It's just like, I don't know. I think that it'll be like six months because it's just going to keep getting more and more refined. The more that people use it or the more examples from the real world and from history are fed to it. So, yeah, I guess more people engage, the stronger it gets.

Yeah, we got to stay away from it. Like my Wang, the more hands that are on it, the tougher and more thick it gets. I got to give Lama her pills. Oh, nice. I should have done that with my mom. Maybe she'd still be alive. God, did she catch something at the Alamo? What happened?

Can we sue Alamo Draft House? No, it was actually, she did it herself. She pushed her own wheelchair in front of a train. That's why we didn't have an open casket, because her face was removed by the tires of that big old truck. Of course, I got wet food on me. Oh, you got wet food on your body? On my fingers.

On a hot day? Yeah, this is a nightmare. I thought, oh, I'll just have it right here and it'll be great. And of course. Oh. I hate wet dog food. Two for Mama and then a little taste for George Mike. There's no pills for George Michael, but there is a little treat.

Otherwise, he'd be left out, you know? Give George a Percocet. Give your little dog some fucking Oxys and see how cool he gets. He got a hold of, no, he got a hold of one of Mama's pills once. Jesus Christ. Was it mama's little yellow pills was it that beer from the oscar brewing company no he got a hold of some uh one of mama's pills because he's right there you know ready for his piece of the action and uh we called dr cav and he's like he'll be all right he might be a little out of it for a little bit, but then he'll be okay. What pill was it?

She takes Capra, which is anti-seizure. And then potassium bromide, I think, is like general. Well, no, it must also be anti-seizure or a little bit of a tranquilizer. I don't know. Well, she has trazodone. Oh, nice. Give George Michael a trazodone. Next thing you know, he's going to be wearing a backwards hat. He's going to have sunglasses on. He'll be getting around on a skateboard.

He totally crossed out. Get out of here. George, hello. Trying to talk to my nude friend here via the internet. Okay, so yeah, now now i'm gonna make my trying to talk to this giant blob i'm gonna make my boxers smell like dog food so that mama i'm gonna have a twisted sack out of there i don't want it on my fingers oh look at this george is gonna bite your sack george is gonna think that you're secreting little bacon

bits in there and he's gonna rip off your nat bag he is going to think that you're secreting little bacon bits in there, and he's going to rip off your gnat bag. He is. It's the side, so he might just get some thigh. Oh, yeah, he might lose his whole snout between your bag and your meat. That's a very dangerous part of a man's body. That little valley. Sack town?

No, like right, yeah, on the outskirts of sack town, on the other side of the tracks the folds the barrio yeah exactly the favelas it reeks very quickly it's the first thing to reek too

yeah the fold speaking of reeking and folding guess what I had for dinner last night I think I know. Pussy. No. I ate fucking guinea pig last night. Yeah, I saw that.

It looks horrifying. It looks like a little guinea pig that got flayed. Uh-huh, that's exactly what it was. They gave me the torso tube. I got the torso. I didn't get a leg.

I didn't get an arm. I didn't get the head. The head was hotly contested. People wanted the head real bad. Yeah, Cabeza is good. They had little Josito. He wanted it, but then big Jose wanted it, but Mama Paulina ended up getting her hands on it. These are friends of a friend of Emily who's in her residency program.

Okay. There's this guy named Todd who's in Emily's residency program, and he lived down here, and he met his wife, Gabby. And now they live in Fort Collins. They're cool. They have a son. He's a lot of fun. They dance like fucking no one's watching. Real horny dancers these two

anyway when he lived down here the first time he went over to these people's house he's like a fucking rich farmer he owns his own cheese brand his own yogurt brand that they sell in grocery stores down here so he's paid and their place is fucking awesome so we go over to these ecuadorian millionaires house and he's got like a horse out in the yard and he's like riding it around like doing like weird high stepping with the horse that's the first time he went there well so anyway this todd guy when he lived down here he didn't go by the name todd he went by the name axel he reinvented axel rose he did he he was against me. Only instead of transitioning, he just shaved his head real tight to the side. He transitioned into Axl Rose.

Yeah, into a guy who was fucking ankle deep in pussy. Axl Tulip. Yeah. So anyway, we'll keep being like Todd, and they're like, Todd? Key and Todd. Todd? And we're like, no, Axl.

And they're like, oh, see, Ax like oh see axle axle so they invite us back after the first time we went over there after we saw their you know horse doing the boogaloo out in the yard and there's no horse this time but there is Duddy so Duddy's there and uh he's confused he doesn't speak any fucking Spanish even though he's been down here for a month somehow he's like losing words it's very bizarre he doesn't know how to say hola yeah he's like hula and they're like what he's like you know hula anyway we get in there and we're there for like two and a half hours yes he's a big dr drew guy uh we're in there for two and a half hours. Duddy says one thing, God bless him. He's just sitting there staring, rocking gently. But they bring out the goddamn guinea pig, the kui, which everyone loves down here.

People have it on their birthdays. People have it at funerals. It's traditional during a wedding to release a bunch of kuis on the ground, and then the bride gets to stomp them with her high heels. That's like a big thing down here. Yeah, it's like the Jewish celebration of breaking the glass, but instead it's rodent skulls. Cooies. Yeah, cooie, cooie, cooito.

But anyway, dude, they gave me just your gut. They gave me the gut wall, and that's supposed to be the best piece this it's all skin dude and guess what the skin was wet was not crispy uh it looks crispy and good no no it was soaked it was it was as soaked as emmy's panties were watching that man high step his horse around his million dollar yard it was like it was fucked man so yeah not crispy el piel tiene humido all right it was really bad it was like eating one of us right now it was like eating my upper arm yes a wet pale arm hello that's what it was like and emmy you said emmy tapped out did she try it or did she immediately just say no thank you emmy had a leg quarter and you could see the little guy's

paw on the leg and she had one bite and was like all of a sudden her hands underneath the table she's grabbing my thigh i'm thinking hey save it for after you know no dessert before dinner but no she's horrified and she can't eat this giant piece of rodent in front of her so as soon as i'm you know dude i was chewing on that goddamn skin like i would cut off a little chunk you can use your hands. So I'm tearing at it like a fucking pig ear like George Michael when he goes to the treat shack. And I'm just gumming on it. And they're asking me questions.

Oh, you like it? And I'm like, two minutes, two minutes per chunk of gooey. Yeah. So meanwhile, taking forever, forever, dude. And I want chunk of kui napa. It's just taking forever. Forever, dude. And I want to just gut it. I want to just be done with it. Peel the whole thing off. Slam it.

Cram it. Goodbye. But yeah, no. So I eat mine and then Emmy's like, oh, I'm so full. Sam, do you want mine? And I'm like, yes. Nothing would bring me more joy than to eat more kui here in your beautiful home thank you so much for having me then i gotta fucking cram more kui meanwhile they're already on the cake at this point they're all eating delicious

trace leche's cake emmy's like oh man i i had two cooies before we came over here i couldn't possibly i wish i could it's killing me that i can't eat this yeah i'm so sorry it's so good it's so soggy i love it yeah it's just how i like it sans any kind of texture besides gummy chicle oh no yeah it looks i gotta report it on the coulee it looked like it was crispy and would probably taste okay that sucks dude i don't know if you ever had rat before but this was better no you had goat you said the goat was good goat's great llama's great everything's great down here except for the fucking gooey the gooey is no boy i had goat in uh vegas there must have been a place that had goat and it was pretty good

yeah chivo terry chivo it's really yeah i don't i don't know what goat is i don't know dude but yeah uh to everyone who was asking i'm sorry to report that the kui was not my favorite and i really wanted to see the whole thing i want to see them like cut it up and serve it to us but no i think they got this off some fucking cart because i've just been painting the walls no toilet yeah it's been really bad dude it was so bad so emmy came home from work today and she was like oh my god the bathroom still reeks from this morning and she was like oh my god the bathroom still reeks from this morning and i was like well that's impossible and then i went in there it was possible it was very possible anything is possible she said you think that's bad check this up and you know how

like if this is the toilet right you know how there's like the one that you sit on when you're this is the toilet right you know how there's like the one that you sit on when you're jumping and then you lift it up to pee yeah so the one that you lift up to pee underneath caked oh yeah dude megan and i have been blasting our toilet and she doesn't ever see like emmy they don't see that the underside of the lid or the rim because they sit down and everything's you know down below but yeah i'm lifting the thing up to whiz and i'm like oh my god what what hell hath we wrought dude it looked like some it looked like you know like when your mom would uh give you the bowl after she made cake it looked like that like mixing bowl after you lick it out and finger it out that's what that's what the bowl looked like it was so yeah oh yeah like thick streaks of cake batter

i really felt bad and i was like i'm really sorry oh before i forget uh when i was meeting with leslie i she was asking about like ideas things you know to make lines inside jokes she was like what's what's something with becker and i was like 24 pop tarts and she was like what and i was like he ate 24 pop tarts in one night because he eats once a day blah blah blah and she knows she's known him forever so she was like oh yeah uh when he he got covid i guess end of 2020 summer 2020 whenever it was but when i got it when i got it it was in december okay yeah we were still here some buddy we're wrestling in that pool oh yeah okay so yeah he was he was still in denver and quarantined and she told him that she would bring him food just let him you know let let me know what you want and

i'll drop it off on your porch and i don't know how many days in a row but for several days in a row he just wanted uncrustables like a box so we're pretty sure that that means 24 uncrustables a day like four days yeah a day for like four days in a row maybe five 96 Uncrustables yeah dude we're gonna have to we're gonna have to get the truth out of Becker once he's done with this

journeyman phase of his plumbing career yeah when he's done fucking finding himself out there in Rio Bamba he's down there with himself out there in Rio Bamba. He's down there with you. Come on the pod. I messaged him.

He's on a call or something. I don't care what kind of fucking fake rinky-dinky bullshit hoax he's trying to perpetrate against us. Alright? He gets a third of the check. He has to answer when I call for him. I'm like a falconer, and he's my trusty peregrine. Come, Becker.

I mean, that was a while ago. He was on the call. Dude, what the fuck? How are you getting that many incrustables when you're not a homeschool kid? He was a homeschool kid. It's fine. I get it. Your parents parents are gone they left 20 bucks on the counter get a couple of fucking two liters of surge some uncrustables watch starcade 98 no big deal

all right but he's fucking 43 years old i wonder if uh part of it might have been that he was sick maybe he didn't have a sense of taste or smell. So it was just texture and he just wanted some goo. Some mushy, mushy, mushy jelly. I don't know. I'm trying to make excuses. I'm trying to figure him out. Don't, don't, dude.

Don't try and figure him out. Don't get lost't, dude. Don't try and figure him out. Don't get lost in there. Stay here with me. Stay here with your broad-bodied Sam. There he is. If you guys aren't watching this on YouTube, you're really missing out. Because we are effectively nude and broad. Look at my dumbass tattoo.

You think yours is dumb? Look at mine. Yeah, your own mom's name. name yeah some scoos that i met this was on a light switch i think we still have the light switch cover that this was on yeah people are like what was it like when lun was crazy and it's like well he got a dio de los muertos tattoo because he liked the light switch and then also thought criminal with a butthole on his arm. No, it's a cross. It's starting to bleed together. I have the

Kurt Vonnegut butthole on my calf. It looks kind of like a white supremacist symbol. It looks like a prison tattoo you got. Yeah, except this is the font from Dogma, so it's cool. Oh yeah, everybody knows that that makes it they do you don't remember that shit i don't remember the font i saw that in

theaters with my mom though nice that was cool i show i got to show this i got to show this tattoo to kevin smith and he liked it nice big day for you he was he was uh not the only one i don't think but uh i think he was he was it was the first time that a comic i think was so getting so fucked by the uh outs by altitude sickness he had two shows at comedy works downtown and in between comic that's pretty generous well yeah whatever but he was at comedy works and in between shows no it was just him just kev this was when jay was like everybody was scared he was gonna die i think he was like in alleys and shit you know he hadn't bounced back yet his addiction i don't think he was doing good but in between shows kevin was in the green room with all the lights off just like trying not

to puke it sounded rough damn and then i came in and bugged him and showed him a tattoo and i was like yeah it's the dogma font but my favorite one is mall rats and he was like okay he throws up he just blasts everywhere i got another show yeah that makes him beautiful yeah that's what got him in one of in one of his uh specials you know video you know one of his performances he said that the weirdest fucks always like mallrats the best and i was like well fuck i that's that's me bro i think i like it's the best one the only funny one it rules yeah 100 clerks is like you know tries to uh you know tries to be avant-garde whatever and it's pretty good and then mall rats rules dogma is pretty sick all right there's a lady with like three nipples yeah dude and those are

some good those are some killer tits bro i did some work to that. I was watching Mallrats so much, I had a ball rash. It was bad. Yeah, for sure. He had a ball rash. Yeah, that's what I said. Clerks is... Well, your internet's fucking up. Is it?

No, I thought it was you. No, mine's good. Dude, I cannot wait for this shit to be over. I cannot wait to be back on U.S. soil. Somebody's going to climb a clock tower because of the Ecuadorian internet. They're going to go down there and finish the job that the president started because of this. We're almost there. Two more days and you get to fly home, maybe?

Or do you have to go somewhere else? Bro, I leave tomorrow at midnight i leave friday i leave saturday morning at 12 30 a.m and i fly to houston and have a four-hour layover and then i fly to indianapolis to go to the indianapolis 500 with the ru garbage boys oh yeah yeah which is great i'm fucking stoked i'm a race guy now now. I'm a racer. I'm a racist guy. I like that. I don't know. It's going to be crazy. I fly home Monday at 6 a.m.

I'll be in Indianapolis for 36 crazy hours just playing Pink Belly with Holy Foley. I need to get home and just lay down. I'm excited. My pants keep tearing.

My crotch keeps tearing out of my pants all the time. Emily's had to resew them three times down here. What's different down there? I don't know. You're full of guinea pig. Too much. Yeah, cool. Crotch.

Your little guinea pigs trying to get free i want to get home i want to eat some pho i want to i want to soak my body i wish you could get a massage in a pool that'd be cool i don't think it's legal i need someone really strong to rub me down. Oh, yeah. Chris Pierce and Buddy, when they came to my house that one time, Emily bought one of those, like, that Leslie lady who's doing the merch now for us. She sews, right? She's like a sewer. Yeah, she does all kinds of stuff. Cross stitch.

Take a break from a whiff in your bag. A lot of multimedia. I got something under my nail, and I wanted to get it while i listened to you drone on okay well anyway she does those like cross stitches and she sold one that says good night white pride and uh buddy and chris were at my house and they saw that and chris was like who's that for i was like what and he's like why do you have that i was like well i don't know emily what and he's like why do you have that i was like well i don't know emily bought it he's like yeah but like what are you trying to prove i was like what do you what do you mean how is this upsetting you good night white pride is not cool according to

you what's going on here and he's like yeah man it just like seems like you're like hiding something i was like okay get out of my house what is what is it is it from something it's something she said sold it said good night white pride it's an anti-white power sentiment and chris thought that i was putting on airs that it was a decoy yeah and also i have like so in my first house in fort collins i had good night white pride and then also i have uh So in my first house in Fort Collins, I had Good Night White Bride. And then also I have those like, no, not the SWAT. Fucking, what's his fucking name?

That dude who used to live in San Francisco. Anyway, he made these like prints of like redlined neighborhoods. And then over the top of those neighborhood maps and those city maps is someone from that neighborhood. So I've got liketha franklin over detroit's red line map alan iverson over those are cool it's for black people and chris is like huh you're really you're really letting everyone know you're with it huh and i was like what i just bought my friend's fucking art what's the matter with you he's like all right i'm on to you he is he is a. It's because he knows no one can hurt him. People may have seen that video of him and not realized they don't know that that's our buddy Chris.

You saw a big mongoloid wrestler making some guy do a line of fake blow off the top rope. That was our friend Chris who was on an episode of our podcast called shining metal dicks yeah that was god i was so scared to go and meet up with you guys and i wish i would have even though you did get covet uh it sounded like a fun time playing grab ass in the pool we had so much fun and we all got coveted playing grab ass in the pool we had so much fun and we all got covid big deal yeah well i didn't know if it would be a big deal or not it was a hoax so i stayed like chris thinks my anti-white power sentiments are chris got on the phone remember he was like trying to get he was trying to bully me over the phone it's like it doesn't work i'm not scared of me over the phone. It's like, it doesn't work. I'm not scared of you over the phone. You can't hurt me.

He's like, but I could eventually. And I was like, no, you'll never find me. I'm underground. Yeah. He would eat you like a Cooey, man. He'd peel your skin off. He doesn't care if it's wet. It's protein.

But yeah, that thing has like made the rounds. And unfortunately, a lot of times he said it's just like, you know, he doesn't get any credit. His original video was taken down off of TikTok, but other accounts have shared it and gotten fame and fortune. He's really been milking it. He's milking it.

He's being a baby. It was funny. I mean, it was a good idea. Yeah, it's good. Hopefully he can come to Lucha Libre and Laugh sometime Chris if only the book could listen to us have you seen the lineup for Lucha Libre and Laugh what? have you seen the lineup of comics

yeah it's pretty good on the 10 year anniversary it's pretty good there's some funny people involved yeah it's a real it's a real slobber knocker. You asked about favorite memories. Us wrestling was awesome.

I don't know if that was just to put me in a good mood or what. It was a psy-op. Think of your favorite memories of me. Tell me about your weird sex dream you had about me. Oh, God, no. It was so annoying i like got a couple extra hours of sleep and had to waste them with i have these fucking dreams like stress dreams that involve not being able to find a bathroom i find a bathroom but there's like

four toilets and they're all being used and people are coming and going. That's your stress stream. Yeah. Yeah. It's like I have to shit and it's awkward or weird. So, yeah, this one, you were there and we're in some house and like there's no toilet paper. So I use somebody's like robe. There was like something in the bathroom like somebody's

fucking lingerie and i'm just like oh yeah i'll wipe with this and then you can't you can't flush it so i think i was you're in ecuador yeah and then you like turned a shower on and it just like started it like flooded water came down from like everywhere from like the roof and it was just like started it like flooded water came down from like everywhere from like the roof and it was just like getting all over somebody's bedroom and you you didn't turn it off and i was like what are you doing and then the absurdity of the room being like drenched made me realize i was dreaming so i woke up and i was like god God, what a fucking waste. Cool job, brain. I love that. It was dumb as hell.

I'm glad that you were there. But yeah, it was so stupid. Oh, dude, it's so funny that you're stretching. My stress dreams are like I'm on stage at the Apollo and I'm about to say it. No, my stress dreams are like, you know, it's always stand up related. Like I'm on stage and I forget my actor. No, it's I can't find the stage. That's the big forget my act. Or no, it's I can't find the stage. That's the big one.

I'm in some like theater. I can't find the stage. And they've introduced me. And I can tell that like time's going by. I can hear people in the crowd being like, where is he? Oh, he sucks anyway. That's awesome. Yeah. It's really bad.

People being like, oh, I know I shouldn't have bought tickets for this. And I'm like behind a curtain, but I can't get to to the stage but yours are you have to dump and you can't that it's yeah just bad poop situations i've only had like two dreams with stand-up i can remember and they both sucked both were annoying where everything sucked and i've had more dreams than that more than two where i'm in a band like i have a guitar on you know i'm like wearing a guitar and i don't know how to play and so i just have to like fake it it sucks oh my god i hate those dreams i love that yeah i'm glad i don't have more stand-up stress dreams because that sucks be just wandering around knowing that everybody's mad at you the god might the god might just keep saying your name and you can tell they're frustrated

it's so bad you're not gonna get paid because you can't find the stage because you're also like you're so dumb and also people are finally there to see you in a theater setting and you're just totally boning your own bone hole you know it's oh it sucks so bad no it doesn't suck it's this podcast it's a good one yeah that people listen we're doing a good job we are i just saw somebody say uh a guy named matthew hit me up on instagram said that he blasted through i think he said all the free ones and now he's on to the patreon and i was like dude there's some good stuff in there oh no i hope he's okay it feels like that would work for significantly. He's got nothing else except for us.

He's like, she's gone. The kid's dead. The dog's sick. So thank you guys for keeping me from going back to the pawn shop and using my last nickel to buy back Daddy's pistol. Way to go, boys. Shout out to the people who sent me money directly just because they were worried I was going to die in Ecuador.

What? People like, yeah, dude, it's crazy. I got PayPal from people just being like, hey, man, hope you survive. Here's some fucking money. You don't need people's money. I do, too. You have a doctorate in life. You wrote a book.

Send money to me. You get all the money.'re doing well it all goes to my ex-wife oh yeah i forgot should we say your name rwanda okay nice but yeah shout out to those people that was really cool of them and hey if you want to support the podcast more you should join the patreon patreon.com slash chubby behemoth get over there and join it five bucks a month gets you another episode every week it's very easy also we're going to start putting up video content because our numbers have spiked and i want to reward you all for being there so video content will be coming inbound starting first with the jake becker gets a tattoo

video jake becker freaks out about something that people do every day. Even little kids. Known needle drug addict Jake Becker pretends to have some kind of needle phobia despite it being his quote-unquote main thang for years. No, he never spiked. I don't care.

He's going to spike. We're spiking on Patreon. You know, I told Leslie about becker's quote i miss heroin more than any of my friends that killed leslie has lost a lot of people to heroin and she finds them she did a mental she did a mental list and i think heroin won over her friends so that was wild and i said it doesn't mean that the friends were shitty it means heroin is there a week oh yeah the heroin rules heroin does maybe we should use some heroin when we hit a thousand thousand patreon subscribers yeah let's smoke a little foil in three weeks yeah that'd be sick

okay that's what we're doing no you heard it here first folks no we're getting labre piercings at a thousand oh fuck remember those yes no it's it's this isn't it oh this one the god smack yeah told the sully i'm not getting the sully no that, dude. No, that's Disturbed. Sully Erna was Godsmack. Yeah, but Disturbed. Dave Draymond from Disturbed had like two. Like the two shark teeth coming out of there. This is why people listen to this pod.

Because we talk about what matters. I forgot. I'm not supposed to correct you. Oh. What? You're gone. I can to correct you. What? You're gone. I can't hear you. You biffed it.

God, breaking news. And you can't get it across. What did you do? You unplugged something. Plug it back in. Oh, I should shut up. I'm back, right? Yes.

You can hear me? Yeah. Okay, cool, cool, cool. I wasn't saying anything nasty when I wasn't there. All right? I saw you say shut up. No, you heard me say shut up. This is cool.

Oh. No, I'm lying. Anyway, join the Patreon or else. Because because if you don't if we don't hit a thousand subscribers soon becker's gonna get fucked clock tower oh becker yeah we're gonna fuck becker we'll feed him pop tarts like in seven where i'll have a bucket under the table and pop tarts on the table and uh have his hands tied yeah we'll do it like like like the violator and spawn that's what i want to do to him all right uh hail bako bye

okay becker come record again are you recording becker leslie told lund that when you had covid she was dropping off 24 uncrustables a day for four to five days that seems accurate dude i it was like the only thing i could manage texture wise when i couldn't taste or smell anything nailed it and and i had the fucking hunger like i've never had in my life like i was waking up starving like i was eight years old and growing again you just wanted a pouch full of slop 96 times no dude i wanted anything else but like everything else i tried was so gross like tech just eating things that just turned into just texture and feel it like almost ruined

foods. I love for me like fried chicken. I thought fried chicken to be fine. Like it's crispy and moist. Like, no, it is so many other textures that your brain ignores because the flavor is so good. Damn. Well, I'm glad that Leslie told us the truth about you. Uh, and you can figure out where to put this anywhere in the episode. I'll probably put it at the end. Good call.