Chubby Behemoth - Ghosts Don't Have Their Choice

Episode Date: August 28, 2026

Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1     SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsor: HIMS - Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/CHUBBY     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week Sam and Becker have to put on a brave face without Nathan. Sam tells Becker all the information he has so far, gets an idea for an Attenborough documentary, and gets very upset by the advice Becker gives him for his plants. Becker lets Sam try to guess what he has planned in LA, is excited to do the best he can, and would rather handcuff a briefcase to his wrist.     00:00 Oldest Agent On The Force 01:46 Paws For Alarm 03:30 The Best Part Of Being Alive 05:29 A Lot Of Theories Going On 07:40 History Labeled Them Villains 09:46 Cut The Pockets Out 10:57 They Were Cool 13:14 Put On The Ice Flow 14:49 Awful Culling 16:50 Big Plans 19:00 On Record 20:43 Trying To Save 22:26 I Hope That You're Ready 23:44 I Didn't Book Just Me 25:06 My Pitch 27:23 Cowboy Boots On 31:08 Extra Damage 34:28 Big Star Moment 36:00 One Or The Other 38:37 Feed Me Eggs 40:32 Not Us 41:23 Kill Them Right Away 44:05 It's Not Good News 46:42 Why Didn't Anyone Help Me 49:26 Want To Learn Some Patience? 52:13 Not Organically Beautiful 54:14 Maybe Three Times 58:31 Just Go Get It 01:00:35 Making The Band Style     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Welcome to Chubby Behemoth, everyone, the only podcasts that makes it your problem. I'm joined, as always, by Becker. Hey. You guys might notice that there's not a third window that somehow still takes up a half the screen. We are without Lund, everyone. And I know this is like a funny podcast, but I think we should just get into it right away, Becker. Yeah. And I just, I have, I've compiled this information.

Becker, you're closer to the source, right? But I'll tell you what I've heard and you tell me if that's what the police are saying down there. All right. Let me get my notes. I don't want to out my source, but they are within the ATF. And they have been posing as a land assessor for the, for BLM. Yeah, and it's interesting because while they are undercover, they're also the oldest undercover agent on the force, I guess. That's my assumption.

Geriatric. Well, it's tough to tell with those kind of guys. I'm saying too much. But from what I've gathered, Lund's dog mama did shoot. Lund and Creech, and we don't know yet, but the other dog, Beanie, before turning the gun on herself. And it did. And look, people keep sending me the memes, all right? Pause for alarm is not funny. Okay. It's not a funny thing to hear when your friend has just been murder-suicited by a dog, a hobo tricked him into taking.

So I'm still processing. Becker, obviously, grieving, but we all grieve differently. And look, at the end of the day, what would Lund have liked more than anything after hearing that I was murdered by my dog? Probably podcasting. Yeah.

It was his favorite thing in the world. I was confused. I didn't know why the exit right next to his house was close. closed. Right. You thought it was because there was a run on curly fries at the Arby's. Yes, but turns out. Dog murder. Yeah. Family annihilation via dog. Right. And from what I'm hearing, Mama is in the veterinary hospital in Pueblo. And if she does survive, a lot of lawyers, including Bobby, I talked to Bobby, of course. course. It was hard to hear him because he was on his motorcycle. But from what I'm hearing

is she's going to probably receive a life sentence, you know, which might sound light. There is no death sentence, but you got to remember that is seven life sentences in human years. So that's a long time in jail for her to think about what she's done. I don't think it'll be a super long time for mama. No, mama should have been dead long ago. And that's not my opinion. That is from the note she left behind is that she was upset because the best part of being alive in her tortured state, you know, with the seizures and the rural settings going from the city to nowhere. It's tough on her.

Her only thing that kept her going was that dog food that she used to get. and there's been less and less dog food coming her way. She's very upset about her snake roommate. Snake. There's a snake there too. I forgot. Yes, of course, within the weird

strange animal menagerie living in the Lund Creek compound. The snake, of course, many are saying might have been the mastermind behind this whole thing. The Kaiser Sose. No body was found. nobody was pound well they got their hopes up because they did find his skin so initially they thought

they had sab but no it was just his skin which is the snake's way of course but yeah becker so that's what i'm hearing can you clear anything up that's pretty close to the rumors around town uh carlos tried to tell me that he went on some kind of road trip and i was like dude you're just coping he's he's gone well you know we all have our copes in our covers. We all have to adhere to the to the jobs that we have, you know. But yeah, obviously, people are saying that Lund is somewhere in the Nevada desert, prepping for an event that he said will make January 6th look like a county fair. So hopefully him and all the Lund guys, I guess, they've all met up out there.

and yeah i know that he's given he i haven't really talked to him allegedly you know this is before this is what he was saying he was doing he he didn't he didn't tell me so much where he was going he just sent me um coordinates did you receive those coordinates i did not well don't put him into into gmail um or into google maps or whatever because uh it's just it's just it's just it's It's just a snuff film. If you put those in, it links you to a snuff film. Wow. Yeah.

And it's not like a funny snuff film or like a horny one, like the ones you like. Like this is just, it's just bad. Yeah. Dark. Yeah. So maybe that was sent from Mama. Mama's face did happen to unlock Lund's phone. So, you know, there's a lot of theories going on out there.

and why are you laughing man when you laugh it makes me want to laugh too because it makes me think about Nathan I'm sorry I'm coping by remembering how funny it is that mama's face also unlocks his phone well it was just nuts you know like because she's a dog and he's a human being but according to android devices they have the exact same eyes and lips yeah and beard and beard yeah and diet And it's like, what do we do now that he's gone? Like, how are we going to pivot? How are we going to be okay? Because my main concern always is, like, how is Beck are going to be okay?

Yeah, we'll be, I don't, we'll be okay. Hopefully he'll have an apparition ghost that haunts one of us. Well, it's not going to be me. I got a lot going on. I think if he had his choice, he would much rather haunt you. Ghosts don't have their choice. Yeah, if Lauren. could just be over here being like a ghost lund and all the food he eats i then eat like after him

because it just falls through his belly yeah yeah but he can eat as much as he wants and like he doesn't get sick or like you know gain weight he'd be like the go the ghosts from uh the casper movie the evil ghosts when they're just slamming food and it's going on the floor don't uh don't disparage the dead please. I'm just being hopeful. I want his apparition to appear. What if he just floated in next to you right now? You could make fun alone.

I was talking about the Casper ghost. That guy did a lot of good stuff. Not Casper. He wasn't a villain. Bippity, poppity boo, or whatever the fuck they were called. No, no. History labeled them villains. And that's not on them. I don't remember the movie well enough, but I think they were harassing

Christina Ricci and Dan Aykroyd a lot. That's what I would have been doing. If I was on set, I would have been bothering the guy from Ghostbusters and the hottest girl my own age at the time. Yeah, you're not wrong. Yeah, they were living the life. That's right. You hear that? You hear that fucking perverts?

Me and Becker, it wasn't weird that we were into Christina Ricci. Yeah, she was older than us. Or Britney Spears. Yeah. Both of them were older than us. Or Christina Aguilera. All older than us. Everyone was older.

It was a great time in popular culture. Yeah. 13, you know. Everyone was, everyone was trying to help you up. Everyone was trying to give you a hand, giving yourself a hand. It was a horny time in America, the late 90s, early 2000s. Yes, that was when the horniness still struck you from outside. Yeah.

Before internet pornography made horniness, you know, a terrible thing that you did before the library closed. Yeah, you just stumble upon it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Man. But enough about, um, I remember, you know, did you ever have the, those fold-up desks in elementary school. Yeah, you could open them up and that's where all your stuff.

All your shit was in there? Yeah. Man. Slammed your penis in one? I think it was stute. No. One day, Buddy opened one up who was like near the front of the class and had plastered the inside with pictures of Britney Spears.

And man, did we have fun with that? Yeah, yeah. No, we had the kids who cut their pockets out so they could masturbate in gym class. Wow. These were the kind of scumbags I was banging with it. We had one kid who got caught J&O in class, and he kind of disappeared. I think he made it one more year in our district before he was like, I got to switch schools. So he was erased by his horniness.

Yeah. Ostracized, cast out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so that's interesting. It's still a societal thing. Like that, I think castigation is the term. Look up castigation really quick. Let me see if I actually know what this word means.

I think castigate means to shun based on like either religious or societal terms. Becker going to the internet. Severe criticism, a harsh verbal reprimand or strict punishment. Okay. So it does not have to do with societal. But when it describes a punishment, it's an infliction meant to correct or discipline wrongdoing. So that could probably be used in that way. way for sure so it is like the kids who were jerkin in class like i mean they were cool

like that was a cool move you know what i mean like they were not castigated nor ostracized yeah but they told me they were doing it and then when i said what the fuck that's gross they said that i was the pussy yeah but you grew up in a zoo you grew up with animals i did god bless him i think j b still listens jordan berry um if i'm accusing you of this and it wasn't you. I know, I know the garbage man was pulling pud in class. And also, we had like, we had the classic gym teachers. Like, it's like if Roseanne cast gym teachers. Yeah. We're like, we had two just severe stern lesbian women with very short haircuts, who took a lot of interest in volleyball. But, uh,

You know, when it came time to play baseball or dodgeball, it was a real, who cares. Yeah. And then there was Mr. Schultz, who was our health slash middle school like gym teacher. But he had to teach us health, which is maybe the worst job that a man could have had, honestly. Especially the kid, these were the kids who were already jerking off in gym class. Well, we were like socially rascals because everyone I grew up with never feared any punishment. they were all trust fund babies right right right you guys were you guys were beyond society so we talked shit to adults in a way that was like like when i look back on it i would never i couldn't run

my mouth now the way i did when i was 18 with like a gun to my head i was so good at talking shit um i mean i was too but it kind of bored me all right because it's like these kids were god bless them no making a teacher cry hearts of the rodeo oh i i never was big on that because I was like we were terrible sports and in student council and I couldn't get in trouble in that way that there yeah there just wasn't a whole lot of us being punished yeah yeah no I had to be a good boy because I wanted to play on Friday so like they let that happen for everyone yeah but these masturbators there was a different masturbator who was put on the ice flow and sent into the Inuit C and it's just

because he like wasn't cool you know well and i'm sure that the people who ostracized him were the same masturbators from gym class like you know what i mean yeah they were like you're gross yeah what the hell's that okay well yeah the kid who did it in our junior high who like disappeared was yeah for sure already the weirdest kid in our class sure sure yeah we had we had some kids that did some odd things and were reprimanded accordingly. Yeah, this kid was Naruto running, like, you know, years before that cartoon came out. Like, it was just a natural way his body moved. I mean, there was, he'd hold the backpack and run.

Well, if you're holding the backpack and running, the backpack's heavy. It's bending you. No, no, no, no. He's hooked. If he'd hooked it, then I don't think that he's at fault. He was tallish. I don't think he was weak. He was just weird.

He was deeply weird. That's like the worst thing you could be And then he got When you're a child Osterized for it And then I think anyone else Who would have thought it was like funny Or

Like Jackassian Was like oh I can't do that That ruined so and so's life Now that guy's a prison guard For sure Yeah Yeah Yeah

You guys You guys made a hurt person Hurt some more people Who'd been hurt Hey You know Very few people were like Bollied

bullied, I think, in my high school. Because we all, kind of similar to your situation. Everybody grew up together. You all had the same lawyer. Well, no, everybody knew each other since, like, third grade when we all started playing sports with the other elementary schools. And then we all had one junior high and one high school. So everybody, like, the most popular girls in school were childhood best friends

with the nerds and had, like, been together the whole time. So there wasn't, people didn't turn on each other the way I think they do in, like, multiple junior highs. conflagate into one high school or like seven grade girls dividing yeah oh my god that is so brutal yeah that is an awful culling that Attenborough should do a documentary on it is one of the most oh my lord and it's just I saw it I saw you know Karenokes get cut off from the Melanie Pfeers of the world Oh yeah

Sammy Lough You navigated that Sammy's a listener Our beloved Sammy You were there You saw I would love to have Sammy Lough on

And just discuss A woman's side Of the story From the Of the zoo Yeah Yeah Yeah

Yeah Or just you know One of the people Who was there Tapping on the glass And then You know The chims would be

In their cage Just Just screaming Oh my God I mean It sucks But like That's

South Park episode about when girls get boobs and the boys just evolve. It's like, that's Mark Twain to me. Yeah. That's Bob Dylan to me. But yeah, man. Hmm. Well, yeah. So obviously, if one was here, we couldn't talk about any of this stuff.

No. So. And I don't, I miss him. And, but we were talking about what we're going to do now. And Becker, I got good news. As you know, we're going to Los Angeles. Yes. This coming week.

I arrive. You arrive what time on Sunday? 8 a.m. And I arrive at 10.55 p.m. Yeah. So I got big plans. What are you going to do? First off.

What are you going to do? Let me guess. Okay. Let me try and guess what your... I have two things planned already. 14 hours alone. Okay. Give me the diameter of your adventure.

Are you in the city? of Los Angeles or are you leaving? In. Okay. So I assume you have the rental car. Uh-huh. And okay. And this is fun.

So I, Becker hit me up and said, hey, I get in at this time. I said I get it at the opposite. I'll still be sleeping in Australia when you arrive. But you have to get the rental car, is what I said.

So you could have it all day. And then I don't know if you're going to pick me up. I am. I want to. I'd be pretty sick. No, it's LAX. I'm going to pick you up. you up. It'll be a nightmare, but we'll figure it out.

Well, getting an Uber out of L.A.S. It's also a nightmare. You have to like take a ferry to a helicopter. It's all bullshit. You have to like answer a riddle. And if you get it wrong, you have to like walk across the highway without any kind of light

or crosswalk. Yeah, there's a bunch of MCSher staircases. You have to figure out how to go upside down style to get to the top floor. I'm going to have a big box of books. That's like pretty much all I'm bringing besides my suit. Nice. So I can hand them out on our pod run. Okay, so you're getting, so the first thing you're going to do, I assume, I assume, and I don't even know if it counts, you're going to a dispensary.

Nope. Straight away, I have to go somewhere like immediately from the rental car place. Okay. So maybe that could be a lot of things. That could be a drop of some shoes that are dropping that day. Okay, how about this? You are going to do some type of shopping. Is that too open-ended?

Well, sort of. but yeah that's not exactly right okay you're never going to guess what the first thing is because it's a lot of things okay i'm going to go on record with my first guess there's okay this is my first guess for your first thing you're doing right or wrong this is my guess there is a restaurant and i'm going to lean towards bakery that's opening at a certain time and you're willing to wait online for some decadent treat and that's why you want to get there early before they sell out. Final answer. You're wrong, but to be fair, that was my initial plan before I found this new plan. Okay, what is it? I'm going to a block party with a bunch of car

YouTubers that WD 40s throwing, and there's going to be free food and clothes and a bunch of really great cars and some guys I've watched for years. Yeah. Great. I love that. That is something that I'm so glad you're doing and I'm even happier you're doing it by yourself. Oh, I would have never done it with you. You're going to have so much more fun than if either Lund, well, RIP or me were there. Yeah, you guys would fucking hate it. Oh, a parking lot in California in August as you're going in the automotive district. So like in in the shit. Wow. You're going to Danang. Yeah. You're going into the tunnels. Yeah, I'm going to where like all the best Japanese car builds get made, or like on that two blocks. Hey man. Rock and roll. Lose control. Okay, so you'll be there probably.

You're going to probably get there by 10. You'll probably be there until, what? I hope I'm there by 10. You'll probably be there until 8.30. Or, you know, when the pairing off starts happening at the party. Yeah. Okay. And then, yeah, I think I think shopping is going to be involved. No? No, I'm going to Disney World after our trip, so I'm trying to like save all the money I have to buy my niece and nephews, ridiculous shit. Yeah, you're going to be in L.A. for like an extra week after we're done?

No, I'm going to Orlando. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I have to fly out on the night of the fourth. I get in at 1244 a.m. in Denver, and then I leave again at 5.50. Oh. Yeah. bizarre. And then have like a two-leg flight to Orlando.

But we have like a big Spanish dinner plan that night, so I'm very excited. Big Spanish dinner? Yeah. What do you mean? We're going to some place at Disney World that's like Michelin recommended at one of the resorts that's got like a bunch of Spanish food. Okay. Well, that's good. Yeah.

Big Spanish dinner. I'm going to be wrecked. I'm going to be, I will have been up for like 20 fucking four hours, 26 hours when I get to dinner. Oh, yeah. But then after the, uh, drugs. Oh, yeah, I'm going to take a lot of drugs. Not like Adderall to stay awake at dinner, but then you won't be able to eat your paella. No, yeah, no, no.

I'm just going to weed it, a bunch of nicotine. I will be good. But after the block party thing with big time in WD40, I'm going to try to make it over to the Peterson for the Porsche show. Okay, so it's two car events. Yeah. You have two car events you're doing. Fantastic. Well, I hope that you're ready because I'm doing all of these podcasts to promote my book, Brute.

Which I sent you that picture of that director. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, that ruled. Brother? Brother? I'm in such an insane situation right now, and I can't wait to tell you all about it. You're going to be there.

You're going to be there for these interactions that I'm going to have. I'm very excited. Yeah. I only know about one of the things we're doing. Dude, this time next week? Yeah. It could be a whole new ball game. I know.

literally like I mean we'll see I don't I don't know well I One day at a time I told my wife about what's going on in my life And she uh she like almost dropped a glass and went Don't don't don't tell me things

You can't tell me stuff Whoa And she's made out of pure steel I know I know So yeah Damn I will see man

I'm very excited for our trip Yeah, me too, dude. But this is even more exciting. I booked all these pods and I didn't book just me on these podcasts. I booked me and my podcast co-hosts. Jake Becker. Yep. So if you guys like Greg Fitzsimmons without Becker,

oh, nice. Wait till you get Greg Fick Simmons featuring Becker. I love grapefruit. He's done my podcast before. Greg Fitzsimmons? Yeah. Why is he grapefruit? Grapefruit Simmons.

It's something like a, somebody called him once when they're, black woman called him once when she was bringing him on stage. Yeah. I'm going to call him grapefruit when I get there and steal your anecdote. He tells it. Yeah, he's probably told that story 600 times on podcasts. Nice.

Maybe, well, I'll let you shake his hand and you can tell it to him back on his podcast. See if he remembers me at all. Um, yeah, so I mean, yeah, that'll rule. And you'll be able to talk about all those coop videos you watch on Lemon Party. So it'll be perfect. Yeah, I did just watch the new coop video right before we got on here. I'm doing a strange menagerie of podcasts. Good.

I think that's a great idea. Uh, it, it, but well, I wish, I wish there was more black representation. in the podcasts. But there's women. I'll be doing women pods. I'll be doing old guy pods. What? What face?

Are we not doing, are you not doing Bory and Langston's? Well, did I discuss that on here, my idea? No. My pitch for how to get on that pod? No. Well, I told David, I was like, look, man, I'm coming out there. You're my, you're my rotten soldier. You're my down dog.

I've known you since we were pubeless. So, like, what if the, what if, because like, my mama told me it's traditionally a black space, except for Will Ferrell, but as they said, he's signing their checks. Okay. So I said, here's the angle, all right? I come on your show that's, you know, black only. But I do blackface because that's the only way that I could get on. But it's not bad because.

I wanted to hang out with you guys so bad that I was willing to risk it all. But like that's how that's how much I love you guys. And that's how much I wanted to be here that I'm doing career suicide in order to hang out with two black guys. What do you guys? And David was like, Langston will never ever go for it. And I was like, all right, well, can you pitch him anyway? And so yes, long story short, I'm not doing that podcast. I'll be doing all fantasy everything. I thought maybe you were Mastizo enough to... No, so David won't allow me to be the Jackie Robinson of his podcast. There's no world where David Bory would allow that to happen. I would have any kind of color barrier breaking. Oh, man. You can't, you can't anoint me with that.

Yeah, I think that's honestly what the hell's going on there. But no, it's a black space. I respect that. Man, imagine if we were one of those pods where we were, like, mad about it. And we're like, imagine if white guys said white guys only on their five. Yeah, we just went full psycho right now. Yeah, if I had cowboy boots on and, like, was all about, like, wearing bree. breathe right strips to sleep.

That's just a symptom of middle age too, man. Like I got into gardening and like being peaceful. And like other guys are like, I need to breathe right even when I'm sleeping. Oh, shit. Oh, man. The mouth covers are the insane ones. Dude, I mean, whatever.

I've been swindled. I've been tricked. I bought those slides from Nike because I thought I was going to reconnect with shoes. But no. So like put a mouth guard in player. I see you. It's tough. fronting your own mortality. I get it.

Hey, everyone, I just got back from killing my weed plants. I don't know if we got to that part of the episode yet, but boy howdy, there's green blood on my hands. I feel like I'm in starship troopers right now. But if you want to see me smile, pre-order brute, for the love of God, heavy month in September, pre-order brute need to sell even more copies according to Random house. The biggest book publisher in the world. You think they would have some ideas.

But hey, this is mine. Everyone listens to the pod. Pre-order a copy. $28. $22 if you go to bookshop. Dot org. All right. $22.

Pre-order it there. Hey, we'll be golden. Come see me. Do stand-up comedy in Winnipeg, in Milwaukee, in Cleveland. Samtallad.com or punch up, whatever. Get your tickets. and then the post, September 21st in Detroit, the Post. Over there on the east side, come to the book event.

Becker will be there. I believe Patrick and Lund will be there. Yeah. We'll do a Q&A. So it's at 7 o'clock. I don't think it's a ticketed thing. And then the next day, we will be in Chicago at the Barnes & Noble on State Street for a big book event that evening.

That's opening night for the book. If you're anywhere around Chicago, come out to that. and then the next night the 23rd we are going to go bananas in Cincinnati. I'm doing a book event down there before we go up to Cleveland. Again, I think that that will not be ticketed. I'm not sure. Maybe we'll let Nanners wet their beak. But come out to those and then

St. Louis, Indianapolis, lots of great dates. Join the Patreon. Join the Patreon. London and I just looked at how much we're making a month actually after all the fees. he's been way overpaying me so please get in there and help make up the deficit uh-oh one's been chopping you off a little too much chow huh he still paid me the same after we discovered it so well he's a good guy you know he's a great guy and i know how much he hates

getting fucked on money so i can't imagine how much he loves me i can't imagine any of the things that have happened happening but that's the world that we live in you know it's all magic And, you know, hopefully, Becker, if the events of next week pan out, we will all be floating through space in a cream-caked pod. Yeah. I'm going to get just a life-sized tanga egg for Lund to live inside of, kind of just live in like a pleasure bulb and get what he need. Like Morg. Sure. Just being his egg.

Yeah, more cook and pork. Becker, we have ads this week? Yeah. Well, that's good news. is? Yeah, we've got Hymns E.D. Oh! Now, E.D. stands for extra damage.

That's right. Kind of. If something's off in the bedroom, you're not imagining it. And you're not a haunting? Like a ghost dad? Like your buddy who got shot by his dog just showing up out of nowhere. Oh, yeah. You know, whenever I'm trying

not to premature ejaculine, I just think of ghost dad. Okay. Because nothing is scarier than Bill Cosby in my bedroom. Yeah, especially if you could phase through things. I love my wife. I do. I don't know why you're laughing.

I would I would castle doctrine to define myself. And you're not alone. Thanks to him's ED. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Now, I feel like a lot of guys don't know they have ED unless they're in relationships. So I think all the single fellows out there, they might not know that they're soft. you know well unless they're not getting hard for porn which i feel like that's if that's happening

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Oh, man. Oh, shit. So yeah, Becker, are you excited to make your big breakout? This is your big star moment. Yes, I'm excited to go on these pods with you. It'll be fun. Becker's big time movie moment. Yeah, I'll be doing the best I can. Getting in the way. It'll be great. Yep. Rift stomping. Hey, I've done okay when you've taken me on things. But when you took me on that radio show, I got one off.

Oh, Becker, I'm being facetious. You have always shined in any situation I put you in. And you've always risen to the occasion. Not on here. On here, I flop all the time. No, no, no, you're good on here. Yeah. I mean, one of my favorite episodes we ever did was the one after Skangfest when I was delirious. And it was like you and me and Carlos and I talked for like 56 minutes.

Yeah. That was the Who's We White Man episode, and my brain broke. Yeah. So no, we've had some good stuff. It's going to be a blast. I'm excited to meet a bunch of these people. yeah so obviously i'm kidding you're not on all these pods yeah i didn't think so land is dead yeah but you you will uh be in there i assume or you can go gallivant and

flit around one of them emailed us like we were both going to be on there and that did make me nervous initially which is why i'm not like overreacting now tiger belly tiger belly i gave them your email because uh you're you're showing up as my like uh bag man Yeah. Oh, you know what you need, dude? You need to get like a, either you can do one or the other. You can either wear a pair of driving gloves the whole time, like leather driving gloves, you know, like tough guy style. Right.

Or you can handcuff a suitcase to your wrist. I'd rather handcuff a suitcase to my wrist. Hold on. Or wear a Trilby hat. Tril. Like a fedoros? I'm thinking more of like a stouter pork pie type thing. Okay.

I mean, that's the one I would rather do. It's going to be hot. That would suck too. Is it going to be hot? Yeah, it's going to be warm. How hot is it going to be out there? It's going to be in like the high 80s, 90s. Like the big time guys are giving away jackets with chain stitching from Dickies.

And they were like, yeah, we're giving out jackets on a 90 degree day in L.A. It's going to be a big fucking party. You should say I'll take two. I'm going to. I would love to get what you won chain stitch that said Sam. No, no. We'll bury London in it. Fuck, I have to get a leather suit while we're out there.

I know. And the hat. It's going to be hard to find the, well, not in L.A. We'll be able to go to West Hollywood and find the leather daddy hat. Yeah. Yeah, it'll be good. They'll be like the, you know, we'll go to Sodom and Fedoras in the gay hat district. It'll be great.

Fuck yeah Now can you see me itching my gonads right now on the screen It's totally off camera I don't want that in there Yeah I've uh you know man I'll tell you what They should have to pay me $100 million to leave Michigan right now

It's so perfect I bet I bet it's really nice My house is finally nice Thanks to our listener who gave me an AC unit And is the sweetest man alive Would you want to give him a shout out like his name or address?

I've had three names for him so it's not coming straight to my mind right now. Well, you know, many people are many things to people. Yeah. You know this guy initially as a benevolent AC

deliverer and then you guys became friends and maybe lovers. He's the dumpest on our Patreon. The dumpest. The dumpest. Okay.

And he only gave me his real name in person. I don't have it off the top of my head right now but he rules you're gonna have to like boil a dozen eggs every night and then just feed me eggs like people handed james brown pills yeah because i need i mean dude i got some fucking i got some heavy duty days out there yeah what i got like three pod four pod day oh yeah like long drives at night to like get to people's homes we have to go to redondo beach at some point. Nice.

Don Doe. We'll be good. You're driving. I'm driving all of it except your last day. What kind of car did you get? I don't fucking remember. I think it can't be. My family's going to be out there either Thursday or Friday for the wedding.

So we're in huge trouble. Why? Because you guys have bad blood. I don't have bad blood with anybody there. We'll see. It's going to be a Corolla. Corolla or something similar. He wouldn't book me.

No, I didn't reach out. Yeah, I wanted something we could like park anywhere in L.A. Because I know a lot of like the parking situations at the studios downtown or shit. It's going to be a lot of me jumping out, rolling. We're doing Fitzsimmons. We're going to be in Venice. That's going to suck. Wait, what?

Fitzsimmons records it as like garage. Maybe he doesn't still. I haven't listened to his podcast regularly in a while. but I think he still records. Oh, don't tell him that. He says he's a huge fan and he can't wait to have Becker on. I do love Greg. I just don't listen to it every day or every week like I used to.

I'm not doing last podcast, which is sad because they're on vacation. Yep. They're on break. I kind of figured when there was the one host only episode today that was very news heavy. Yeah, what the heck? Yeah. What the absolute heck? Hey, some podcast take breaks, not us.

We podcast even when Sam's going through hell. One of us is on vacation in Europe. Sam, me, somebody's on a road trip. Shows are going on. No internet in hotels. We get them up late, but they're always there. One of us is dead. Yeah.

And we didn't stop. No. Why would we? I mean, they're still pulling them out of the rubble over there. The church collapse, Kavon's just standing out there, pissed. No, he's happy. It was insured. Actually, yeah. Yeah, he's stoked.

Yeah. He's like, oh, it's a shame. He's like, who's going to run mutiny? Yeah, I would probably get a call pretty fast. Like, please, hear me out. Becker, you're a weed guy. Yeah. How do you tell which one's male and which one's female?

One of them has a bunch of seeds all over them, right? Yeah, but they like start to form the seed. cluster pretty early. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can identify it. If you looked at it. So four of my plants are boys and four of my plants are girls. Yeah. That's average, half and half. Okay. They're supposed to be feminized. Some of them, I think were. I don't think all of them you put in were.

I don't know. But I do know that four of the plants, well, then what? The ones that have seeds, you can still make hash out of them? No. Could kill them. No. What? Kill them, like right away. Why? Because if they get big enough, they'll pollinate your other flower, and then it'll, everything will be seeded. What? Yeah. I have to kill these guys?

Yeah, otherwise, you'll have no dope. They're my guys. Or you'll have dope, but you'll have to pull all the seeds out. It'll be late-dating trash style. I mean, you could. It would be very, very not. You'd have to smoke more of it than I smoke in a day to catch it, you buzz. What do you mean?

It's not strong. It's not female. It doesn't make the flowers. What? Yeah. Oh, you're saying I got to kill these guys? Yeah, if they're male. You look at Google images and make sure you're looking at the right thing.

And then if they're male, I know, I can see the seeds. Well, if they have, they're like pollen sacks. If they have seeds, it's females that have been seeded. Hopefully you're seeing pollen sacks. They look like seeds. They look like ball sacks and like the joints. where the stems are. Okay. Yeah. You want to rip those the fuck out of the ground and like put them in a bag so the

pollen doesn't go anywhere and then throw them the fuck away. I'm not doing that. Well, then you're just having a seed farm and people in your neighborhood that might be doing similar things do you might want to come kill you if you pollinate their fucking plants. Oh yeah. I'm in trouble. I mean, I'm the one who's bad. If I had to grow that hadn't been seeded in fucking four years. and all of a sudden some guy had been talking to,

had an outdoor grow and all my shit was seated to hell, I'd be knocking on the door like, hey, buddy, we got to talk. What the fuck? Uh-huh. Yeah, it'll ruin all your dope. What? This sucks, man.

Yeah, it's part of the deal. My mom lost like 12 of hers this year. What? So a third, but yeah. No. I know, man, it sucks. It's brutal because you get so far into growing. knowing it before you figure it out.

And then like everybody who smokes dope is then like, well, then I should have planted more. It's like, well, you have to stay kind of in your legal limit all the time. Oh. Yeah, it's not, it's not good news. I know. Why the fuck did you tell me this? Because you need to know.

Otherwise, those are because it suck. You'd hate to come home and see what should be like a beautiful flower changing colors in the night coolness of the fall. Just being bags of seeds, you'd hate it. God damn it. This is the worst news I got all that. I'm so sorry. God, this actually bums me out.

Yeah, it sucks. My mom usually, like, waits a week longer than she should to do it because it just, like, breaks her heart. I don't care what your stoner mom's doing in her garden. I'm just saying she has the same feeling as you, and she's been doing it for decades. No one's ever felt this way. See, and the other day you were worried that you were like Chris Bonnius and you didn't have emotions. This is literally the most bummed I've been in a long time.

I know, but you have emotions. This motherfucker's like as tall as I am out there. I know. Then you definitely need to put it in a black trash bag, get it rid of it. The weed plants and the pumpkins were like the two best things that I did this year. Well, you'll still have, you'll still have half of them. Yeah, but I liked, I liked having my buddies out there, man. I literally spend so much fucking time with these weed plants.

I know. And this, this is probably how, I mean, I hope this is how mama felt. The other option, the other option is to let it all happen. And then you'll have your own unique cross from the seed you create, from whatever pollinated, whatever. And you'll have a bunch of Sam Tweed. Oh, but then I just have a bunch of shitty seeds. Oh, you have a bunch of okay weed and then like a ton of good seeds. Why would I need that many seeds?

You'll never need seeds again. You'd have a cross of all these genetics. You already know you kind of like. And then you can grow the phenotypex because each seed would be different. They're like kids. So you can grow like all that weed for a long time. It sucks so bad, man. I know.

God. Why didn't anyone help me? Helping you right now and you hate it. Yeah, I hate it. I hate it so much. I wish the mama had one more bullet. If you really don't want to rip them down this year because you didn't do as much

and it's your first year experimenting and you started late anyway, you could let it all go to seed. No, I got to, I got to yank them. But they're my guys. They're literally, I was just talking with them earlier today. Yeah, you're, it sucks.

I'm out there talking. I'm fingering. them. I'm smelling them all the time. Ah. You rubbing the leaves, getting the smell. Shit. Yeah. I mean, I guess I want some weed out of this, but also

God damn it. Are the females starting to produce flour? I don't know. They're not doing much. They're just kind of chilling. Okay. It just started at my mom's place on like one of her plants. So it'll probably start in the next, it'll

probably start while we're out of town for you where you'll come home and you'll see some little pistols coming out the female ones are all bushy nice you can also popsicle them a little bit to get bigger nugs it's the bigger the bush the larfier weed you'll get it's like you kicked me right in my gonads i'm so sorry it's like you were like hey let me stomp your bag put your bag on the curb yeah i know what you did it sucks man It's not your fault. I'm obviously kidding. I know, but it's not a fun thing to find out if you didn't.

Yeah, man. Yeah. All right. Well, I'm going to, why don't you take it from here? Really stretch the ad reads. Yeah, you got to go cry in your garden while you shop things down. I mean, yeah. Like, I was stoked on everything.

Man. Yeah. I mean, again, not a huge production year with the starting light. So the garden's all I have. I know I'm just saying the garden is my pride and joy. Letting it go to seed means you have your own thing here on out. No, what if I have a plant that's really far away from the other ones and that one's gone to seed? No.

Get rid of them all. Yeah, you have to get rid of all the males because the pollen will get in the wind. It'll get on bugs, bees. It'll get you, they will pollinate. The plants will fuck. What if I kill every bee? it's their whole thing how do I destroy every monarch butterfly

dude and fly and anything I mean gardening gardening dude you want to learn some patience you want to learn to chill and plan along to the cycles of the sun

and understand the earth a little better I mean fuck I'm out there dude I planted all these goddamn wildflower seeds and all that grew were daisies I just have a bunch of yellow daisies. I have a shitload of yellow daisies out there.

Everything's yellow. The shade plants I have bloomed yellow. My weed plants, half of them now, I might only have three plants now. My pumpkins are everywhere. They finally got fertilized. Nice. I finally have little gourds growing. Hell yeah.

Man, I made this little tree canopy and now I got the pumpkin vine climbing up it and like, my grapes are good. My fucking rose bush. ate it into a pole it grew into a pole and broke off its big stem both of my climatuses one of them's thriving

the other one's in trouble and I planted two bougainvias and I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and they're both dead they're both dead and now I gotta go kill five weed maybe four maybe five weed plants yeah fuck man

if anyone out there's a garden designer or a landscape architect I have a lot of ideas and I need to talk to someone so they can tell me if I'm the joker or not. Because either I'm, maybe I'm, maybe I just want too much.

But fuck, it seems like it should be so easy. You plant the wildflowers. And then for some reason, it's only daisies and a little bit of cone flower real early on. Well, yeah.

And I'm not supposed to start drinking again. It's, it's all, it's all tough and then once you get it going it's a matter of like culling everything for years and then that's why it takes these old ladies like my mom until they're in there like 60s before the garden starts to become like the way we all idealize it yeah but i'm not an old chode i'm a young renegade i know but i mean like it takes years of like pulling all the ones that look ugly or didn't flower or putting in better seeds or after you tossed all the seeds in figuring out the

daisy's were the only one that is we're going to germinate that way. So you have to separate everything out, germinate them on the shelf and then plan them. I'm going raised earth back there. I am paving it all, turning it to glass. Cars. I cannot wait. Become a car guy. You get it.

It's math and science. You put time in. You get what you want. No. Cars are not organically beautiful. They're not nature's version of perfection. All right. I get it. I get it, bro. You've got your thing. I know, I'm just, I do a big part of what I like about cars is you do the thing and then it works because you did the thing. Oh yeah, your car's never in the shop. No, it is. Your car's always fine. But they're all different things. What are you doing? You feeding the hamster? No, I knocked over a bunch of fucking sigs. I was putting them back away. Come on. You better bring all your sigs out there to California. Yeah, I know. They're illegal. I fucked up last time. No, they're not illegal, but they are.

wildly overpriced. You should bring your fucking sins too. Well, I'm bringing out logs, baby. Yeah, I've got to buy a bunch for Disney World because there's no smoking on campus anymore. I heard, though, that if you have a medical condition, you can smoke. I should be allowed to smoke. You should be in a wheelchair. Damn.

Have Baker push you around a wheelchair, and then you can just start smoking. And then when someone's like, oh, you can't actually smoke in here. You just go, I smoked in. Nang. That's why this place is still fucking open. And then Baker's your son. Yeah. I'm trying to have a good time with my kid here. Me and my boy are trying to have some memories before Uncle Sam takes those two. Yeah. Bring me to King Louis.

Whoa, sorry. Sorry audio listener. We're there for the Epcot Food and Wine Festival that he got us tickets to. I'm coming back fat That's good That's a good thing Coming back from Florida a little portly Oh yeah Yeah

God I'm absolutely rocked I don't know if the listeners Ever heard me They've heard me this upset Maybe three times But not finding out I was having an existential crisis

In Australia During the my mortgage That bit That was a low point for me And that spiraled to I'm crying in here in New Zealand. It's interesting how those events happened two weeks apart. I never did the math on that.

But yeah, there were hints, I guess, a little earlier that anyone noticed. Yeah. Fuck. But yeah, this is truly... I mean, Lund died in a dog shootout, and then you found out you have to kill half of your backyard buddies. So it's been a tough day. Well, like, I receive a lot of news constantly that would shatter most mortals. But, yeah, this one, I don't know, I pride myself on never being mad.

This one really upsets me. Because the one's mad all the time. So my thing is I'm not mad. Yeah. I try not to be mad because he's mad. It does somehow make it easier for me to not be mad when I'm around the land. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Because you can see just how ridiculous, like, that, like, anger is and how, like, worthless it is and how it ultimately just, like, you know, makes you the one in pain. Like, you're like, oh, yeah, I'm not, I'm not going to get mad about people not turning immediately left at the turn signal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My barrier for getting fucked over before I start to, like, calculate killing people is much higher. I'm glad he's pissed. you know, stay pissed out there, young people. Well, that's the thing. He's older than us.

So maybe mellow a little. But yeah, if you're young, you should be pissed all the time. I was furious pretty much until my mom died. And then now you realize it's all a gift. But until that, you need to just be mad, be outraged, find injustices and try and write them. That's what your 20s are for. raging against various machines.

Yeah, hard drugs. Sure, yeah, you know, reckless sexual behavior, wearing a wig to jury duty, whatever it is that moves you, do it up. Also, Becker, maybe one of the worst times to be doing comedy bang bang. Yeah, why? Because Reggie Watts killed his girlfriend, allegedly, or whatever?

They pulled his fucking theme song immediately. I'm not doing it. I don't know, they didn't respond. Damn, I got really, really excited. I wanted to do it really bad. Yeah. It makes a lot of sense. What? You on there. You'd be a slam dunk. Yeah, but I bet that they have like negative aspersions towards people who do kill Tony. Huh. They, okay, never mind. I don't want to. I don't know. I don't know them. You know them. But that was my assumption is it's like, oh yeah, okay. I get it. They're probably just booked. They're also. They're also.

They're improvisers. Well, no, they're on the roads. They're recording half the amount of shows in town as they normally would be, too. Hmm. I see. Well, whatever it is, I won't be riffing with John Rudninski any time soon. Damn. I know.

Yeah. That one would have been good. I'm excited. I'll wait until we're off, but I want to hear which ones you have books so far. I mean, there's quite a, I don't know. It seems like a bunch. It's not like a million. But Tiger Belly, Harland Highway,

Santino's pod, Steff Infection, I'm going to do Craig Cognette's pod, Lemon Party, Fitzsimmin, Honeydew. I think I'm forgetting a couple. I want to do Felipe Asparza's podcast. That's the one I want to figure out.

Fuck yeah, man. But yeah, It'll be a whole bunch of Sam T. And you don't have to listen to any of those pods if you just pre-order my book right now. Just go get it. I mean, again, if every listener of this podcast would just order the book, I wouldn't have to worry. The book thing's cool, but like the bestseller thing seems like it may. Be an impossible dream due to the success of dungeon crawler Carl and a couple other things.

This is like one of the gnarliest books to, uh, or, months to, I don't know, I might have to, like, pre-order, it might be like 15,000 pre-orders to make them. Yeah, 15,000. So all the listeners need to get in there. Just, you know, it's not about the money. It's literally about my ego. So if you want to accuse me of anything, I just want to be on the bestseller list so I can,

if I can put that sticker on the fucking book, it makes it easier to sell. More book buyers buy it if it's a bestseller. It's just, it's just good for business. uh it's it's not i wish it was about money it was about money i could be more uh craven and ghoulish about it but no it just i'm just trying to serve uh me just it's it's it's worse it's it's it's not id it's ego and uh yeah fuck fuck these weed plants man i know between the between the between my agent saying you need 15,000 pre-sales probably to hit in September and you telling me that I'm an idiot and I don't know how to do anything. It's very difficult.

I read between the lines, Buster. I like how you hear things. Well, someone's got to hear what people say. A lot of people don't hear the stuff. People tell them. And I do. I can't imagine describing you as an idiot. I guess if we were discussing, like scheduling a thing.

be like, don't worry about him. He's an idiot. But in any other way. Oh, yeah. No, I don't, I'm not good at that stuff. Yeah. I do it. I'm doing it all the time. You're getting good at it. No, I need an assistant. Becker, if I become very rich,

I'm going to hire you to find me an assistant. Hell yeah. So it won't be you, but I'll put you in charge of it. You can do like an audition with your Discord kittens. I don't have any Discord. You could do a big, like, making the band style honeypot operation. Make them all go get me cookies in the middle of the night across the city.

Whatever you call it, man, sure. That was my favorite part of making the band. Now it seems more sinister. Yeah, I think he had to go. He made him go get him a pie. It was a cherry pie or something. Yeah, cheese cake. Yes, cheesecake.

Ah, man. No. Well, hey, I hope Lund's not dead. Yeah. That'd be bummer to find out after this episode. Yeah. I was joking. He wasn't killed by his dog.

I don't, yeah. He's, he's on a road trip. He'll be back. He's hopefully doing a Patreon episode today. He's on a road trip. And while he's seated behind the wheel, his penis is on a chode trip because it's resting on his balls. Yeah, we miss him. Prayers up for Lund.

He drove to Nevada to finish the job. and whatever that job is, we hope that it goes well. Yep. That's a protein drink with some coffee poured in it. And really a bad call. At least I'll have enough energy and power to go kill my beloved fucking plants. Oh. You can make rope out of them if they're that big.

You said I have to bag them and tag them and tag them and take them to the dump. Yeah, you should get rid of them if they're already making pollen sacks so they don't open. Goodbye. Bye.