Chubby Behemoth - Giant Bamboo Blaster

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam is joined by Sophie in Japan! Sam tried raw chicken and onions, reunited with an old friend over there, and fell off the wagon. Sophie busts Sam trying to elicit a giggle from Dud-man, reveals herself as the true puppet master, and brushed Sam’s teeth for him. Next thing I know there’s a tarantula of shots. The markers in Japan are “exceptional”. Chili Peppers out of a hot pot, squid, scallops, wet shrimp, there was slugs in it, and then a bunch of booze. An old bent man shoved Sam.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Okay, so. That's not on video. May we start? I had to get it out. As you just heard, the Talent family has contracted bird flu from eating raw chicken. I am in the boy quarantine with my father. My dad is writing his will on postcards. My sister

is in a separate cube. I am communicating with her through Japanese plexiglass, or as they call it here, Sophie, you want to do your impression? No. Okay. Yes, but I, you know, I am a bold adventurer, a sexual gourmand. I like to sample all the delicacies. And last night, that involved something called chicken carpaccio. My sister, my dad, my sister's boyfriend.

Boyfriend. Husband. Husband. And my pink wife set up a dinner reservation for all of us and we were joking kind of about how, oh, have you heard about how they eat raw chicken here? It's a delicacy, I guess. And literally I was saying to Mel,

I don't think that I would want to eat that though. And then what hit the table, Sophie? Raw chicken and onions. Thank God for the onions. Because otherwise it would have just tasted like raw chicken and that would have been crazy. But a bunch of raw sliced white onions in there really brought the room together.

And I was talking to Mel, I was like, yeah, I don't think I'd really want to try it. And then a big old bowl of Some of the pinkest meat I've ever seen hit the table And we were like, okay. Well, it's a hot pot experience Surely we're going to cook this in boiling water No, our very honorable waiter very patient with us

Translated it on his phone and it said chicken carpaccio and all eyes landed on one brave man. Yeah right, you wanted to eat it. Well, here's the thing, I didn't wanna look like a wuss because I would have lost either way. Either, oh, Sam's not gonna eat the chicken carpaccio. He thinks he's so cool.

Why won't you eat the chicken carpaccio? This would have been you, of course. This would have been you. Just your feet also under the table barreling into my shins. Just digging around like a dog hiding a bone. It was cold, you were warm. And I, so either it's oh wow Sam put your money where your mouth is why won't you eat raw chicken

what's the matter with you? You're a wuss or it's oh my god you pig you ate the raw chicken. So I decided that I would be brave for all of us. And I took a little bite of the rawest chicken in Tokyo. And I was like, well, that's not that bad. And as soon as I say that, someone has Googled, what was it? Salmonella? Yeah. Salmonella? And bird flu.

Bird flu, of course, was not brought into the conversation until this morning when my nose was running and I had a bit of a throat ache, which might, you know what, we're living a big life out here. It's either from the raw chicken that I ate or the hookah bar where we sang a bunch of Christmas songs phonetically with Japanese people. And had cola lime hookah. Emily was like, can we get a mint flavor?

Oh, is there mint or menthol? And they were all like, oh, hi. Cola lime. Cola lime, because it was quote, green. It was the green flavor. But yeah, I ate a little, just a little tad, just like a fingernails amount of raw chicken last night. What did it taste like?

It's really hard to describe. It's kind of like how astronauts can't really tell you what the earth looks like from the moon. I'm the astronaut, I'm Buzz Aldrin, and you guys are like, oh, what's the dark side like? And I'm like, well, I can't describe the dark side of the moon unless you've been to the light side of the moon, but imagine.

Sorry, go ahead. Well, imagine chicken. You've had chicken before. Yes. Now imagine it uncooked. And covered in raw onion. Was it seasoned though? No, there was some kind of oil on it,

but I can't say that I want to eat it ever again, but in that moment I really felt like the brave leader that you guys needed me to be in that moment. You took the tiniest bite, but you know how carpaccio, beef carpaccio is like very, very thin sliced? This was thick. It wasn't a thin slice of chicken. These were tenders.

Yeah. These were raw tenders. And Sam kept saying, Lund would eat this whole plate. I said that Lund would have loved it. Well, Lund, we would have had it and we would have been like, ah, don't eat it, buddy.

You know, you're gonna get very sick and ruin the rest of your trip in Tokyo. And Lun would have taken it on himself and been like, well, we can't be rude. Who are we to judge? We can't have cultural snobbery. It's like when we were in Rome where you don't tip. It's like you get to Rome and there's like a billboard

at the airport that says welcome to Rome. You don't have to tip. Lun was like, but we must tip. Who are we not to tip? So he like wasted like a half an hour trying to find an ATM to get out $20 and the ATM fee ended up costing him an additional $28 to get out 20 euro and then he like went back to the restaurant and Gave like tried to give the guy the money and the guy was like no no, we don't do that here and Len was like

Catch you a pepe and the guy was like, uh, catchio y pepe. And the guy was like, obviously like pissed. Like it was an insult. The same way here, where we sit down at a fine dining restaurant. And the first thing my dad does is break the chopsticks in half and then start rubbing them together. Because you're not supposed to rub them together

because a good restaurant would never give you chopsticks. We would have splinters in them. Oh, the chopsticks are so nice here. The chopsticks really groove. They're so nice. because you're not supposed to rub them together because a good restaurant would never give you chopsticks. We would have splinters in them. You know? Oh, the chopsticks are so nice here. The chopsticks really groove. They're so nice. Yes. But you know, so you had the potential of bird flu,

salmonella, but Lund eating a raw plate of chicken, he has gout. That would have been terrible. I don't think it's gonna be the gout that kills him. You know? But you wouldn't be able to walk around. Big toe would have been terrible. I don't think it's gonna be the gout that kills him. You know? But you wouldn't be able to walk around. Big toe would have hurt the rest of the time. It's not just his toe anymore.

No way. Yeah, it's like his whole hip will lock up. From gout? Yeah, like his neck will. It does not move up your whole body. It gets into any creak and crevice in your body can get uric acid buildup inside of it. Dang, Rondy. He wrote me today and was surprised that you did karaoke.

He asked if you were drunk. He said, did you beg him or was he drunk? And what was the answer? I said it was a private room, so you felt safe. Yeah, it's like at Nuremberg when some of the accusers gotta testify underneath a sheet. That was me. He loved it. I really came alive in that small booth.

Sam, you were up on the bench. Money ain't a thing. Screaming. Yeah, it was funny, because we all picked out our songs and what was your first song you did? Oh, Eminem. Emi did Eminem and then you guys did, I think, a Beyonce track. Yeah, Drunken Love.

Do we still say track? Drunken Love. And then I picked out my song, which was Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen, which I've never ever, I don't know the words to, I've never sang it before. Emily said, I've never heard him listen to this. I haven't, but I saw Joe List sing it at Skankfest

and I was like, that's a good karaoke song. I wanted to sing Atlantic City by the band or Bruce Springsteen, they didn't have it. Born in the USA felt a little on the nose because Lil Bruce Springsteen. They didn't have it. Born in the USA, felt a little on the nose cause little Sagey was there. And I didn't want him to think that I was. Yeah, right. He put on Aerosmith. He did. He did Elvis and Aerosmith.

First of all, ladies and gentlemen, Sagey from Wide World, who gave us the tour of the Tokyo American Club, not only is alive and thriving, but also still has his job at the Tokyo American Club. Even though the Tokyo American Club reached out to, not just me, but my lawyers at CAA, and they were like, hey, we'd like you to take this down,

and we said pass, and then they were like, yeah, we were like, we're not doing that, and then they were like, well, okay. So I thought that Seiji was gonna be beneath the jail. I thought they would have him in a pillory and people would be throwing tomatoes at his face and committing buggery on his behind, but no. Sagey said that after that happened, they brought him in

and they were like, Sagey? And he was like, and they were like, okay. You get a warning. He really wanted to be fired. He still was talking about it. Yeah, he wants to be fired, but he's not fired. Do they have unemployment here? I imagine they have very good social programs here.

Is that why he wants to be fired? Well, man, maybe he can't quit due to his work visa or something, but if he's fired, then he gets to go to the onsen for two weeks and be nude. Um, Sagey rules. Sagey's the absolute man. Yeah. Yeah.

He, uh, he, he spent the night. Yeah. Sophie and Sagey hooked up. No. Okay. Mel and Sagey hooked up. Sophie watched. Oh no.

Bird flu. You have bird flu through osmosis. Yeah, we went out partying. Me and Mel met up with, Mel, right? That's his name. I like the gag that I don't know my brother-in-law's name. Yeah, me and Mel went out and met Sagey at the train station.

Yeah, what bar did you go to, Sam? Well, we wouldn't have gone there if you weren't busy putting blackface on. Oh my God. I have some videos of Sophie applying makeup that I'll be putting on the Patreon. Well, if girls listened to you, they would understand. Why don't you explain it to me?

It was just contouring and bronzing. Okay, because it looked like you were, it looked like Favorite Son should have been playing as you were about to go into the jungle to get a POW camp. You look at Dad. Well, I want Dad to, you know, at least not. I thought, I'm trying to entertain Dad as well,

but yeah, Dad's okay. Dad didn't want to talk, but he is just on camera for the entire time Dad anything you want to say to the people Handmade Postcards by Sam and now are in the process of being mailed to my Grandnie niece and my grand nephews, and of course to Betsy. We always send her a postcard from our travels, you know, kind of like catch her up.

So he hasn't lost his mind, he just likes to send postcards to his dead wife. It's fun. I send her postcards still. I sent her a very nice postcard from France recently. But yeah, so we went and we met Sagey as Sophie was just striping on the war paint. I've never seen it done in Emily. Yes you have.

Well Emily doesn't do, believe it or not, she doesn't apply what can only be described as a mud colored contour. Emily just got into makeup this year. Yeah. Okay, this is like a collegiate level of makeup. You know, Sophie, I mean, the finished product is very impressive, but seeing it

put on is, reminds me of the old days of Al Jolson, you know? No. Yes. Anyway. Okay. What bar did you go to, Sam? You're in Tokyo, you're meeting up with your Asian friend, Sam chose the bar. I did not actually choose the bar.

Sagey chose the bar. We went to the Hub, which is a sports bar for college kids. No, it's a British fish and chips bar that's a chain here in Tokyo. Yeah, I mean, we went to TGI Fridays, effectively. We went to the Buffalo Wild Wings of Taco Bellada. Yeah, no, Sagey, I mean, Sagey, I think, was just trying to accommodate us.

He doesn't know how, you know, look, he doesn't understand that we've been up to no good. You know, we've been really cementing ourselves. We're the white people in this neighborhood. We walk around. People know us. Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa.

Arigato gozaimasu. So yeah, we went to the hub and I ordered a half pint because I was like, I don't wanna not drink a couple beers with the boys tonight. Oh God. So I ordered a half pint. Sagey got a half pint. Mel, of course, orders the top hat full of liquor.

He wanted to be on the ground. Mel, as we were walking the station, he said, hey, I'm gonna go wild tonight. Yeah. Very good. Totally fine. You're allowed to go wild. But yeah, he ordered a pint of beer and a shot. So we go sit down, we get our half pints.

Woo. And then Mel gets his pint pint and then the tiny bartender comes over with three shots and Mel's like I'll drink that for you. Dad can you please silence the bat phone? I don't care if the Riddler's poison the water supply. poison the water supply. Yeah, so it came over with three shots. Mel, very valorous, offered to drink mine. I said, no, I'll do one with you guys, you know.

Com-Pie. The beers disappear real quick because they're half pints. And then- Tiny beers here. Tiny beers. And also a lot of foam, you know. It's barely, it's like I'm not even drinking.

And then we drink those and then Sagey goes up and buys us the next round. And. Two doubles, doubles, dublés, three doubles show up over there. And I drank that in another pint. So by the time I left that first bar, we were there for maybe a half an hour. I had had the equivalent of five, no, six drinks. Yeah, someone that hasn't really drank in a year.

I have not been drinking. I had six drinks and the equivalent of a half hour. He was red faced and annoying. What? I was not annoying. You get, you get, you're a bully when you get tipsy. Oh yeah? So then you're, you always drunk?

Is that your thing? I'm a kind little girl. Oh yeah, you're an innocent flower. Yeah, so I guess I didn't really realize how much I drank. And then we went and did a private karaoke booth. Touchdown! Touchdown Broncos. The Broncos are going to the Super Bowl,

ladies and gentlemen. Touchdown! Mims, what a star, you know? I know, and he's so little. We really, we're gonna have a tough time keeping all these guys next year. But yeah, so we went to a private karaoke booth, which I've never done before.

And Sam was protesting the whole time. I was actually pretty cool about the whole night. You were making fun of me and Emily though, earlier in the night about what we wanted to do. Right, because I think karaoke is for, what's the term in America, losers? Not a private one, you're in Japan, you're in Tokyo. I know, I know.

Is karaoke, that's a Japanese word, right? Yeah. They created it? It's a Japanese word, and the carry of course means, holy shit, and then okay means, is this white guy really about to sing the Whistler song by the Ying Yang Twins? That's a Pat Richardson joke.

And I'm doing it live on the pod. Man, 50 First Jokes was last night in Denver. I know, Pat had a great video out. I know, but I heard some tea. Ooh. I know. I don't wanna say on the pod, cause it's a very big platform. Why didn't you start the morning with this?

It wasn't, I didn't really think it was really applicable, but now that I'm thinking about it, you'll love it. Oh, I love tea. Apparently someone seemed quote, incoherent, and as if they quote, didn't know where they were. What? Oh. incoherent and as if they quote didn't know where they were. What? Oh, so we don't do the voice.

So, yeah, we went and did private karaoke and just banger after banger. So fun. So much fun. You and Mel did a cool song. What was that song you guys did? Nice and slow. Yeah. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Oh no, we do. Can we talk? Can we talk? Tevin Campbell. For a minute. Yep. And Babyface wrote that song. Really? Um, Sagey had a beautiful voice. So we're, we're, we're over drinking before you guys come out and Sagey's like, oh karaoke, you know,

he's Filipino. And Japanese. Yes, he's from Manila and he was like, yeah you know Filipinos we're the best at it but I'm the five percent that can't sing. He's like at at family gatherings, we all get together and we do karaoke and I always go to the bathroom when it's my turn to sing. So he's acting like he can't sing. And then he does Elvis and destroys. Yeah, stands up and says he's gonna do his Elvis voice and it's spot on. Yeah, it was beautiful.

It was, it's like he should be singing for Rush. Yeah, this was right after Sam was just screaming for Springsteen. I wasn't just screaming. I was singing with my full throat. I'm just saying, Sagey, that was beautiful. Yeah, he crooned. I mean, I-

Does he listen to this? Sagey? Yeah. No. Oh, dang. He's Filipino. We have a rule. Jesus.

Sagey says that Cambodians are the scariest Asians. Oh, Sagey says that? Yes, that's what he said. Because Mel said that the Filipinos are like the black Asians. And I said, yeah, they're scary. And Sagey didn't get the joke. That was your last Asian joke And Mel really liked it.

Mel liked how Sagey just kind of nodded. Yeah, but he said that Cambodians are the scariest ones, but the Vietnamese have the best weed. Yeah, he told us we should go there. Yeah, he said that when he was in college, the Vietnamese kids would force him to use a giant bamboo blaster, he called it. Oh, yeah.

And it leaves like a stench on your face. Yeah, he said in college he was scared of the Vietnamese because after class was done, they'd be like, Sagey, and they would take him underneath a bridge with this giant bamboo pipe. And he said that they all knew how to hit it so they would get high, but whenever he would hit it, his face would just reek and he would get sick.

And then he would like have to go back to class and his head would smell like weed. Poor Sagey. I know, but he didn't wanna leave. They like ran the foreign guy dorm. So he didn't wanna look like a pussy. He speaks six languages? He speaks Tagalog, which is Filipino.

He speaks Japanese, English, Spanish, and he's learning French. That's crazy. I know. Wild, but then when we really needed him to speak Japanese, he didn't. Well, I think someone told him not to. Yeah, that was me.

That was you? Yeah. Okay. I wanted him to act American so we could get through ladies and gentlemen the puppet master You guys think that I'm pulling all the strings Sophie's the real Gepetto the Gepetto of the ghetto Yeah, no, so we do that and then we go That was pretty funny because there was like a fire and it was blocking the street

and we didn't know how to get home. So we just kept being like, we need to go. And then like the firemen and police were laughing at us. They loved it. They were like, no. Yeah, they were like, uh-uh, are you insane? You dumb pieces of shit. No, there's literally a fire.

And we're like, we have to go home. And they're like, no. There's a fire. And Seiji was just sitting there smiling, that huge smile of his, like gently nodding, like not at all speaking Japanese, because that was your master plan. He was really good at listening though. Explain the logic to me.

I thought if, you know, they thought none of us spoke the language and the gate, we kept telling them the gate was closed that they wanted us to go through. They would be like, all right, you can come this way. Come on, no big deal. But I didn't think, CJ didn't, CJ, he did not, you know, crack. He definitely just.

He just smiled and nodded. Which I'm sure that they were saying very rude things to us, which tickled him. Probably. Yeah, but then we found a nice way around and that was good. Yeah, no, so we did the karaoke. We started private, then we went public. Well that was his big plan, he's like,

this is the warm up. Yeah, he that was his big plan. He's like, this is the warmup. Yeah, he loves karaoke. He lied. He's Filipino. And yeah, so we went to a different bar, where how much was it? 600 yen per person. Which is like $3?

Yeah. For all you can drink for a half hour. All you can drink, karaoke, and darts for a half hour. All you can drink, karaoke and darts for a half hour. So that devolved. I mean, first I'm playing a little bit of darts, next thing I know there's a tarantula of shots on the table, a pirate ship. I forget what it was called.

It was called the face of the clock because it was 12 shots. On a pirate ship. On a pirate ship made of glass. Strobelighting. Yeah, an a pirate ship. On a pirate ship made of glass. Strobelighting. Yeah, an electric pirate ship. So yeah, maybe I got a little drunk somehow. And then the Japanese people who were there

already singing karaoke decided that their olive branch was gonna be Christmas songs. All I want for Christmas is you. But they turned it on and then they handed us the microphones like they wanted us to sing it to them. Yeah, so then we just serenaded some Japanese kids. Yeah, I mean, you could smoke cigs in there. There's no way it was three bucks.

It was 600 yen. I had like eight beers. That's all you can drink. When they brought the beers over. And it's your own personal waiter, so he just stands by your table. Yeah, he was on my ass. It was nuts.

Yeah, well I did set a dangerous precedent because when he brought the first beer, I said, hey, Sagey, you like magic? And he went, yeah. And I said, he was gonna bear, a beer disappear. And then I pounded it. And then before my glass even hit the table, there was another beer ready for me.

Yeah. That's when Sagey was like, oh, we're getting drunk. Well, I mean, look, Sagey definitely didn't shy away from the six drinks we had before we even started doing anything. He was drinking Coronas and soju. We had those soju bottles, and as you guys were singing, Sagey would put a little soju in my glass

and then wink at me and then say, kumpai. They didn't give us glasses with the soju so Mel was just drinking it out of the bottle Yeah, he's called me three times. Let's go live with Emmy here Okay, Emmy Hey, you're live on the pod what's going on Oh shit, um we on the pod what's going on oh shit we can't go to the ski resort that we were thinking because it's closed due to wind so we have to go to a different one but it's just like a bus ride away from the place but it's been a whole thing well

this has been an empty update how How's Mel? She's good. Cause we were bummed for a minute, but then we got it figured out. So we're still on track, but we're about 30 minutes behind sketch. Okay. I'm sorry y'all. Sophie's winking as she says that.

And she's smiling and rubbing her hands together. No, no. Broncos are going to the Superbowl, Emmy. Why would she do that? I'm not. She's kind of been like- Broncos are going to the Super Bowl, Emmy. Why would you do that? I'm not. She's kind of been like. Broncos are going to the playoffs. Yeah, and the Super Bowl.

Okay. All right, I love you. If you need something for real, talk to my dad. Okay, bye. God. They're skiing. Who cares? What?

Jesus, she's away from me for a half hour and she's like, Sammy, I have to go to a different ski resort. It's all they wanted to do. What if her and Mel and Sagey are having a crazy three way? Oh my God. Why is Sagey involved? You know how he is.

Those Filipinos, they got that dog in them. Now, I need to point out that there was a hookah situation, a shisha situation that Emily said was like a big part of her upbringing in Dearborn. And Emmy kept taking selfie videos of herself like sexily hitting the hookah. And I was like, who's that for? And she went, Susu.

I was like, what? Oh my god, no she didn't. Yeah, it's like you're gonna send our niece, who's four and a half years old, video of you hitting a magic pipe. Like you're in fucking Alice in Wonderland and you're the big caterpillar? That's not good, Emmy.

That's not good ante-ing. Did she? Yes. It's in your group chat? Yes. Oh man. Yeah, it's like Susie's sitting on Santa's lap in Atlanta. Susie and Hannah are having a very black new year.

They went to Atlanta. And they're just both wearing cheetah print all over the streets. It's so cute. No, it's adorable. Susie's so lucky to have Hannah as a mom. So we, sorry, hold on, I have bird flu. We did that, we had a good time, and then we went,

and it kind of gets murky after that. For you and Mel and Sagey, me and Emily were totally fine. Oh yeah, I forgot. You guys are perfect. We were fine though. It was the night where the boys were dumb. I don't ever drink. Sam was putting edamame in my hoodie all night.

And? It was rude and mean. No, everyone loved it. And not a way you treat your little sister. We were eating edamame, you had a hoodie on. I was putting it in the hood of your hoodie, you were unaware because you were sober as a judge, quote unquote.

I didn't think you were putting more than one in there, so I was like, all right, whatever, let him put his one bean pod in there. No, it was a bunch. Yeah. Yep. So we got home and I dumped all of them on his bed. Mm-hmm. Not a big deal.

So then the next night, me and Emily had a plan that- Wait, so this was a conspiracy? Yeah, I was in on it. What? Yeah, I knew the whole time. Oh my God. So did Dad. You knew.

I thought we had a gender-based truce. We got you, we got your ass. I thought we had an alliance over there, Dad. Tell them what happened to you, Sam. Well, so we have all these quail eggs. We've just had an abundance of quail eggs. Sophie doesn't like quail eggs because they're too minerally, she says.

They're gross, and Dad was like rolling his eyes at me every time I said that. So then I was like, Dad, why don't you eat some more quail eggs? And he tapped out after two, even though I'm wrong for not liking them. There was a bunch of quail eggs in that hot pot for some reason.

I mean, I had three or four quail eggs. I'm trying to be a team player. I was like, fuck it, I already ate raw chicken. What else do I have to lose? Bird flu. So yeah, then we leave. And Emily, before she goes to the station to buy her Shinkansen tickets with Mel to go skiing today,

is like, I love you and she gives me this big hug. Unzips his coat, he's an idiot. Unzips his coat to put her hands around me. I'm like, oh, this is so sweet. She's such a good wife, what a little cutie. Yeah, yeah, not really a normal move on her behalf to rummage around in my sweaty body. And I get home and I'm like, ah, my wife really loves me.

I'm such a lucky guy. Man, what a nice dinner. Sophie only kicked me in the shin five times. She only got mad at me once for not wanting to get Italian food. Yeah, where they say it's the second best cuisine here. Who says that? They make noodles amazing here.

They make noodles amazing. Yeah, and they have wag- Can you just translate that sentence? They have wagyu bolognese. Wagyu, wagyu. Get over yourself. Well, I'm down. I'm gonna go get Italian food. No, you're not going. You're not invited anymore. I'm going separately. You're not. I'm gonna go first. Anyway, I'm down. I'm gonna go get a telly. No, you're not going. You're not invited anymore.

I'm going separately. You're not. I'm gonna go first. Anyway, tell the story. I get back, my hoodie pocket has a bunch of quail eggs in it. We got his ass. Yeah, they really cooked my grits.

A bunch of quail eggs in my pocket. Dumb, dumb, dumb. You know what? It wasn't that dumb. Sam even said, are you not coming home tonight? Why are you saying bye so much? Yeah, I was very confused. Are they okay?

What are you doing? I need to see if we had an ad. Oh. But we don't, so that's good. Do you have an ad on quail eggs? Hey, do you like eggs, but they're too big for your small mouth? Well, the Japanese have a solution for you.

Quail eggs. They taste kind of like ground glass, but boy, can you eat a bunch of them and hide them very easily in a man's hoodie pocket. Quail eggs, not just for crows anymore. Nathan. Lund. We keep seeing crows, huge Nathan. Lund. Lund. We keep seeing crows, huge ones.

Yeah, I think they're ravens. That was Lund's big takeaway. Oh. People really cooked Lund in the chat. That makes sense, what, ravens? With thinking crows were ravens. Ravens have huge beaks? Yeah, I mean they're big.

This is a huge bird. Yeah, they're massive. They're scary. Yeah, they could really tear you apart, especially if you have secret quail eggs in your hoodie that you didn't know about. We wouldn't have let you sleep with them. What if I got picked apart by ravens?

So you could have your little joke. I don't think, I think you would survive a raven. I don't know, dude. I don't know, especially this is like the soft part. My hoodie hangs over my genitals usually. The pocket does. They could have got more than just the quail eggs. They could have got my eggs too.

And then, yes that was yesterday. We went to Harajuku yesterday. Sam was violently hungover. I was fucked dude. I didn't sleep the night before today because I was filled, dude. I didn't sleep the night before today because I was filled with fear. I got really drunk and then like, was like talking really loud at Emily

and she says I was yelling. I don't know. But yeah, then I like could barely sleep because I, I don't know, I was just filled with this like terror. Whoa, who is that? I don't know. Fullback touchdown for the donkeys?

What is this, Howard Griffiths? Okay, dad woke up for the Howard Griffiths. Okay, I've been throwing a lot of fucking gold in the hopper, but that's what. Challenge. Challenge. Through the flag. But he's challenging the joke.

He thinks it's Howard Griffin. Yeah, we went to Harajuku yesterday, but I was like fucked. Yeah, we had to take care of him. I brushed his teeth for him. Sophie brushed my teeth. Emi took me in the shower and hosed me off like a big truck. She was like, come on honey, we're gonna get you right.

That involved drinking a bunch of like, strange potions that they sell at 7-Eleven. Hangover cure. They have hangover cures, they have like- Night Rx. Liver fortifiers. They're awesome, I don't know why we don't have those. Dude, the 7-Elevens here, a dream.

You can get anything you want, you can get minerals, vitamins, and a pouch. Yeah, you can get jelly vitamins. I've been doing a lot of those. Oh, I'm going to miss those. I think I'm going to bring back a whole suitcase just full of those. They have to be refrigerated, dumbass. They do? Yes.

I've been putting mine in the microwave. Do you get them out of the refrigerator? Kind of. We had Domino's here. We had Domino's here. It tasted like Domino's. It wasn't as good, I'm going to say. We had Domino's here, it tasted like Domino's. It wasn't as good, I'm gonna say.

We got one with mayonnaise on it. That was our New Year's Day tradition. Is we didn't do anything, we watched Squid Game and ate Domino's. And there's been a lot of creativity, everyone sharing that table over there that Dad's at. Yeah. Making things, me and Emmy are coloring.

Yeah, me and Mel have made our own lino cuts to make postcards. Yeah, I've been doing weird stuff with markers. It's been a blast. After I finish my book, I'm gonna get into oil painting. That one's probably my masterwork so far. Yeah, we've been doing a lot of cool stuff over there. The girls have been coloring.

The markers over here are exceptional. Oh my God, it's a real brush tip. Yeah, it's a brush tip. Real juicy, you guys kept saying. It's a whole nother level. It's so Japanese, just so much better. This is just a commercial for Asians in sport from Visa. Interesting.

And also Pharrell was involved because I think he's Filipino, right? Pharrell's Asian? I think so. Someone Google it. So Sophie's deleting Pharrell off of her Spotify now. Dad, Google it. Yeah, but we had a day at Harajuku yesterday

that was kind of really set off by me needing a toilet more than anyone else ever has. I thought he was gonna shit his pants. I was so scared. I told Emily I went into a whole thought like, well, it's really hard to find clothes this size here. What are we gonna wrap him in? Like, I didn't know.

And him on the train, we were so worried. I'm gonna wrap him in. I thought you were gonna poop your pants. I had never seen you walk like that. Me, Dad, and Mel were just behind you like, oh boy. What would you have wrapped me in? I don't know. I don't know. We all would have had to give you a couple coats.

I don't know. We would have had to give you a couple coats. I don't know. We would have had to buy a Japanese flag. It would have smelled so bad too from the things you were mixing. Oh my God. The night prior. I mean, it was peppers, like chili peppers out of a hot pot.

Woo! Sorry. It was chili peppers out of a hot pot. Touchdown. And then, what was the other thing that I put on top of it? You did squid. Oh my god. Scallops, wet shrimp.

Slugs. It was slugs, it was slugs. There were slugs in it. It was the weirdest dish you guys all decided to eat and once again, I'm an animal, or I'm not an animal. Yes you are. I'm very good, okay. Finally. I'm a bad person because.

Uh-huh, correct. What else? I don't want to eat slugs in not cooked scallops that are soaked in a wet batter. What was it called? Mon, mon. Mungo?

Mongee, mongee. Yeah, I don't know. It was like Emily thought the whole street was barbecue. So she was like, we're gonna go to barbecue street. But no, it was like a bowl of cabbage and then just like things they scrape off a whale. And you put it in, there's like pancake batter, but we didn't let it cook long enough.

So we were just eating like wet batter with slugs and scallops. Anyway, I put that on top of the chili peppers and then a bunch of booze and that all came to an ugly white head right there on Harajuku Street. And I was like walking like I had... the issue was that the peppers finally hit my lower intestine. So there was barbarians at the gate. They're knocking. They're saying, hey, we got to get out of here. And obviously there's not a bunch of just

toilets all over. Nowhere. Especially on Harajuga on Takashita Street, which was, you know, I needed to. Hey. Hey. Yeah. So we had to like find a little coffee shop off the beaten path, which was the smallest room. Maybe it was as big as the frame of this video. And it was just a very old Asian man sitting behind a counter making single cups of coffee and then a toilet directly behind him. So Emmy comes in and we're like trying to play it cool. She's like, oh, so cute in here.

Oh, wow. You just make the cups of coffee? Oh, can we get two coffees? And he's like, hi. And then she's like, okay, do you have a toilet? There was someone in the toilet. I wait for that person to get out. And then when they get out, I can't run over there.

It's not like Easter morning, I'm trying to find all the eggs. So I'm like, oh, okay, well hey, Emmy, do you wanna go first? And she's like, no, you can go. So I went like, oh, okay, well, hey, Emmy, do you wanna go first? And she's like, no, you can go. So I went in there and as I'm going, she sends me a text that I see afterward, but she's like, use the bidet,

there's like a function to cover it up, it sounds like flushing. Yeah, it's awesome. Well, I did not use the function. I was in there painting the bowl. I heard you timed it though with his coffee grinding. Well, not the first one. Don't do it.

Sam. Come on, mine don't stink. Yes they do. No, yours and Emily's stink really bad. No, yours reek. That wasn't even a fart. I was just trying to give them. Oh my God, Sam.

It's not a big deal. Dude, oh my God. Stop. You're playing it- It's not like quail eggs, it's literally eggy. You're playing it up, I have bird flu. Please be nice to me right now. Oh, I'm so pissed off right now.

Oh, shut up. You and Emmy have been just painting the town brown. It's been terrible. No one has. Oh my God, Mel really has been. Dad farted last night directly on a guy, pretty much on the walk home from hot pot. Do you remember that?

You were walking down the street and you ripped the biggest one that you've ripped so far since we've been here. And then there was a man behind you who started running. He ran past you after that. Thinks it was another guy. I have to talk through my sweatshirt now. Sophie, it wasn't that bad.

It was so eggy. It wasn't eggy. Knock it off. Knock it off! Um, so anyway. Harajuku, found the toilet. Used the hell out of it. And then I had to come out and just like sit in the room with the man as Emily went in to use the toilet, used the hell out of it. And then I had to come out and just like sit in the room

with the man as Emily went in to use the toilet. Just like, not like that looking at him, you know. He was smiling, twirling his mustache. He knew what I did. And then I just had to be in the room with him as he finished my coffee very, very slowly. It was hand drip. It was hand drip, it took forever.

I had just desecrated. Emily didn't even want one. It was one of. It was hand drip. It took forever. I had just, Emily didn't even want one. It was one of the old parts of Tokyo too. So I like really ripped it up in there. Um, you came out such a new person though, dude, I went in there thinking I was going to have to go home. Yeah. And then you came out Airbnb, but like back to America, they were going to deport me.

You came out and then you were dancing all over stores. You were a totally different person. I felt so much better. That was heinous. That was truly a bad time. Um, but then we went and did some shopping. We got noodles that they only make 150 of them a day. Soba noodles. Those were so good. They were delicious. Yeah. I've never had, it was Yakisoba, but done by like people who've

been doing it since 1952. It's all they had was three like either with an egg without green onions and then with it was so good. God you got to get that quail egg in there don't you? So then we did some shopping we had a little McD's after that. We did. I had a teriyaki burger that was cheese, cheese. Yeah. Too much cheese. They put cheese, like, their double cheeseburger has four slices of cheese. To talk into the mic, remember? Oh. Hi. You had a double cheeseburger too? No, but I'm just saying that they put a bunch of cheese on all their burgers here. On your teriyaki burger? Yeah, they had white cheese and American cheese. Holy cow.

Mel got the one with egg on it, and it just tasted like egg. The eggs have really been doing the talents dirty. I, I don't know. I was trying to be very good yesterday. I wasn't being rude. You guys were taking the most time anyone's ever taken in that goddamn jewelry shop you know Sam's used to wide world where he calls the shots and tells his friends to do whatever but then he's like let's go on vacation and he doesn't let us do anything we want to do anything that is

not true no he came into the jewelry store where we were in there for maybe 15 minutes. Maybe 15 minutes. It was, no it was. The sun rose. And he came in and he's like, you know, not me, but the other guys, they're really tired of it. Yeah, I was like, I'm being cool. Dad's trying on his own rings.

I had to tell dad we were ready to go. I asked Mel prior to that, hey, is everyone okay? And he's like, yeah, we're all fine. And then later you keep saying, you know, Mel really wants to go home. You are such a dirty snake. First of all, snakes don't get dirty. All right, they literally schlep their skin off

so they don't get dirty. You're a dirty snake. And second of all, they were saying all this stuff outside, but they live in fear of you guys. Dad, were you saying this? Dad? That you wanted us to leave the jewelry store? Or were you trying on rings? I was trying on rings because I had to do something to pass the time.

Yeah, because we were in there for so long. Yeah, but see you guys can go do whatever you want. Dad almost started drinking again. He was so bored. We all get, we all were shopping yesterday and Sam's all sad that he only got a bolo tie. Well, there's no clothes for me here. So yeah, we go and everyone's like,

oh, I'm gonna get a new cool sweatshirt. Wow, Emmy bought a new dress. Huh, what can I get that'll fit? Headbands and bolo ties. That's all that's available for me. So yeah, I do get a little upset that I can't leave here with a rockin' new fit. Mel, meanwhile, he's drenched from head to toe.

He's gotta buy a fuckin' separate ticket just for his bag to get home. It's okay, Sammy, me and Emmy were trying to find clothes that fit you. I know. One of the Nigerian guys tried to get me into one of the stalls and I said none of the clothes fit and he went, yep. I know, I saw that.

He just agreed. He was like, yep. Yep, and he said inshallah, which is what he, that means God willing. That's literally what he said. So that sucked. But yeah, I mean, Tokyo continues to deliver. Does Sam wants a day on his own today?

Well, I have a romantic notion of spending a day by myself, but guess what? I'm not gonna do that. Go do it. I don't want you to spend a day with me if you don't wanna be with me. I do wanna be with you. I wanna be with Dad and you.

We just have to go to Bumpodo today. That's all I care about. And the Samurai Museum. And we have to eat sumo stew. So, do you guys hear that, pod listeners? It's whatever Sam wants to do. Have we been doing whatever Sam wants to do? You just said you didn't want to hang out with us

and then you're like, I'm gonna, yeah, let's hang out. We're gonna go do everything I want to do today. Well. The one thing I wanted to do was to have an Italian food. To have Italian food. One thing you wanted to do. That's it. The other one was Don Quijote, which man,

that really ruined the whole day because Sam was pouting. I was not pouting. You keep saying this term pout. I'm not pouting. You were pouting. No I wasn't. What were you and Emily talking about then?

How much you pout? No, we were talking about how I'm such a good, supportive brother. How it's so nice. No, no. Yes. No look, you were on one floor of Don Quixote. The makeup store and the skincare floor.

That's all I wanted. And you were on there. And I even told you before we go in, hey, I'm gonna be in here a long time. And you delivered on that promise. Yeah, and then you kept calling me while I was on that floor, come up here. Mel's trying on Dragon Ball clothes, come here.

Yeah. Well he was trying on Dragon Ball clothes. Yeah, I don't care, I wanted to look at the sheet masks. Those sheet masks are cool. Yeah, and then you guys made fun of me for buying 32 of them yesterday. You bought too many masks. They were $23.

For 32? Yes! That is a steal. And it was a Korean skin care store. They do have great skin. They have better skin care than the Japanese. Is that true? Yeah, Korean skin care is number one.

But the Japanese don't age. And they do the Koreans. Huh. So does that mean Mel's gonna look 34 for his whole life? Because he's black and Korean? Yeah. Damn. I know. He's not gonna crack. He's not gonna be a quail egg.

Yeah, I don't know. Don Quixote was fun. I did get a real stern tongue lashing at the Starbucks at Shibuya Scramble. Let me tell you. Yeah, because you were being a butt head. I literally said after we were done in there that I might go do something by myself. Because you were pouting. And that was an act of war, according to everyone else.

Because you knew what you were doing. You knew you weren't going to go do anything by yourself. So you were just saying it to be a butt head. OK, well well guess what? Sam Talent, breaking news, Sam Talent, human being. Sam Talent, big butt head. No, it's not a big butt head. Very big baby.

I don't think I've told that on here. You did. I did? Yeah, in Savannah, you tappy mom. Yeah, very big baby. That was the name of my birth footage. No, what was what you call him dad? huge and hungry That's what people call me and now we're out of the street Mel can eat.

God. I've been, me and Emy have been putting it away over here. Yeah, you guys, we all tap out at dinner and you guys are like, you're full? Yeah. It's crazy. Emily, I am shocked by her. I'm very surprised and also very happy to see her really,

I mean, the two times that she's picked out the dinner restaurant, God bless her, not slam dunks. But that's the thing about being the leader, like being the person. It's really hard. When we were at Wayno Park and I was the one who had the itinerary and was navigating, and you guys are like, we heard there's ducks somewhere

in the park and then you guys just bailed to go find some pond. We wanted to go to a pond in a peony garden. Yeah, and the pond sucked. The pond was full of reeds, and the peony garden had nothing in it. Dad and Emily and Mel loved the pond. Dad loved the pond.

Dad took so many pictures of that pond. No, Dad. Dad gets a pass when he wants to do weird stuff because he's old, and he's expressing himself creatively by taking photos. The whale. The whale, oh my God. Fuckin' whale, dude.

Dad does these panoramics, and they're very cool, and he's very good at pano, but you trying to get that whale panoramic, it's like, dude. We all knew the pano was coming too. Yeah, we're like, all right, three, two, there it is, the pano.

Yep. Okay. Yep, okay, I guess the first swipe of pano didn't work. Okay, take seven on the whale pano. But yeah, you're doing a good job out there, Dad. You're bumping around. He's worn the exact same outfit for 10 days. I know.

He's just green, man. Only one that hasn't done laundry. Yeah, you haven't done laundry? He's wearing the exact same outfit for 10 days. He's just green, baby. Only one that hasn't done laundry. Yeah, you haven't done laundry? Emmy's done laundry like 10 times. Yeah, she's done seven loads. Yeah, what the hell? It's crazy.

It's really- She's just doing it for fun. It's nuts. She's bored, so she's doing laundry. She's bored in Tokyo. Yeah, and then she'll be like, "'Okay, now Sam, you have to take the laundry out. And that's my least favorite part, is taking it out, because everything has to be air-dried here.

You have to hang it. His pants are hanging from a lamp right next to me. They don't have anything for me to hang them on in the closet. They're not built for my carrying capacity, these weak hangers here. So yeah, I mean, look, it's difficult to travel as a group, but we're doing a good job.

That was really the only day we really fought. And it was like all of us and it felt good. Well, it felt good. And it was day two. What? No, I was actually really scared. I'm like, oh, no, this is going to be the whole trip. No, no. But Sam just hates Shibuya. He hates Don Quixote. I. He hates Don Quixote.

I don't hate Don Quixote. I didn't want to spend a half of our day in Don Quixote. I told you that's what it was gonna be, so I said go do your own thing. And now you're like, I want to go back to Don Quixote, not once, but two more times. I do, it's my favorite place. Well guess what, there's probably gonna be a Don Quixote

near the Bumpoto store today. Well we'll see. And then I spent like maybe 20 minutes in a stationery store and you're like you guys were in there for two and a half hours and we didn't complain. Me and Emily confirmed via text messages it was an hour and 15 minutes that he spent in a stationery store. And where were you guys? I was out front for 30 minutes of it and didn't say a word. You were in the lock. Didn't call you once saying, hey, come up here. You're being hyperbolic for comedic purposes

and I appreciate that, but there's no way that I was in there for an hour and 15 minutes. You know what did happen in there though is maybe the oldest man on earth double hand shoved me in the chest. Oh, it's so funny Sam got bullied by an old Japanese man. An old bent man hit me with the double, double shove in the chest and I don't know why.

I have no idea why he did that. The biggest man in Tokyo. It made me so mad. I could have just, I could have bonked him. Well it's like, dude, what are you shoving me for? We're all trying to get pens. It's not like we were at the racetrack. It was like, I was trying to try out a marker.

Anyway. Maybe he was being friendly, like, hey, you're big. No, there was nothing friendly about it. He shoved me and then he stepped in front of me to stand next to his wife Maybe he thought you were stealing her. I Could have I could have put her in my hoodie pocket with the eggs She could have eaten off one of those eggs for fucking three weeks because she was so small

Yeah, no, it was all it was all insane But yeah, I really what are we gonna do? What's our plan today? You just said it, bum-po-po. It's not bum-po-po, it's bum-po-po. Samurai museum, samurai stew. What's samurai stew? Sumo stew, choco nabe. It's chocolate?

No, it's not chocolate stew for the samurai. It's like a big bowl of very, very nutritiously dense stuff that the Sumos eat. Broncos. We're going to the playoffs. We're in the playoffs, dude. Dad, look. We're playing a weak Buffalo Bills team.

I'm excited about that. Von versus Denver. Yeah, I mean Von's. I wonder if he'll try to throw the game for Denver. His dusty old ass. It's so weird that he's like, he's played for the Bills for like longer than he played for the Broncos, right?

No. Yeah, and every year he's still like tweeting pictures. Seven? I don't know, he loves Denver. When he beat the Sheeps, he said, I did it for you, Denver. Yeah, I mean, I always love Von Miller. Yeah.

What was another thing we did? New Year's Eve was fun. Oh yeah. That was, we were locals. We were locals. We sat on the ground in a purple room, took our shoes off. The tiniest man I've ever seen who didn't really speak good English and he kept, Hicca, his name was Hicca. And he said, is easy to remember. Yeah. Pica, Pica, pika, pika. Oh my God. And then I took a photo that I had to take off of Instagram

because people were blasting his tiny ass. I knew, and you tagged him in it. I wanted him to get a little shine. And the next morning I was like, hey Sam, are people roasting that man in your comments? Oh yeah, yeah. It was sad. He was really getting it.

He was obsessed with my wife. So obsessed, didn't care that you were right there. No, I mean What do I live in fear? He was four foot tall he was legally small you guys tricked that one guy to think that the biggest Japanese Yeah Our buddy who spoke fairly good English, he was very nice to us. He ruled. He was cool.

We were talking about sports. He was like, you know, Otani. And I was like, yeah, Otani, he's great. Ichiro. And he was like, yeah, Ichiro. Legends, legends. And I was like, yeah, but you know, the number one Japanese athlete in America, Kobayashi. And he went, Kobayashi?

The food fighter? And then he started laughing and slapping his legs. And me and Mel were like, yeah, Kobayashi, I mean, he's the biggest guy in America. They have posters of him hung up at all the bus stations. They make movies and TVs about him. And he was like, he loved it. I mean, it's true.

I mean, Kobayashi is my favorite Japanese import. He couldn't believe it. He's like, Otani hits 50 home runs. Yeah. Kobayashi eats hot dogs? I was like, he ate 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes, man. Yeah. And he was like, oh.

He loved it. He loved it. Yeah, he said, when you come to America, you'll probably see a Kobayashi statue at the airport. We have them at a lot of the airports. Yeah, we were like, where do you wanna go in America when you go for the first time? And he was like, New York, but,

gangs of New York, I'm scared. Yeah, it's like, Americans are nice to foreigners. Yeah. Especially Japanese foreigners, we love them over there. Broncos, doing it, going to the fucking playoffs. Look, that guy's crying. Awesome. Big 97, old Roach, Malcolm Roach crawling into the stands.

Wow. Damn, I did not see this coming this year. This truly rules. I know, such a good team. God, yes, Broncos. We have three more minutes left, Sophie. Anything you wanna plug? No, let's think.

Oh, um. Let me know about your new projects. I don't have any projects. Yeah, you do? You're opening up a new salon? It's a spa. Spa. For eight years, you've called it a salon.

It's a spa. You're a spa guy. Yes, a salon is a hair place. Hair place? Hair place. It's a spa. You're a spa guy. Yes, a salon is a hair place. Hair place? Hair place. It's a hair place. So you're opening a new spa. I am, it's actually Asian.

And you're going to have to break a lot of your friends' hearts when you don't give them higher up jobs over there? Well, we are hiring from within, sorry y'all. Or promoting from within, you know? A lot of our listeners in Denver do wanna work at the spa. Probably.

They do, it's a great place. Number one spa in America is voted by me. Jalan Facial Spa, everyone. Uptown, opening Denver South, so the tech center. We're also gonna have a restaurant. Walk in and say, walk into the spa and say, hey, Sophie sent me. And just go in there and raise a little hell.

Yeah, you'll get 20% off. Really? Yeah. It's pretty cool. I've been paying full price. You get 20% off. I always use my sister's hookups over there. Oh man, we've had to take care of Sam's face here.

What does that mean? It's really dry here. People would think it's humid, but it's really dry here. It is. It's like, there's like sparks in the sky. It's so dry. Sam's face is peeling. Well, I have this little problem area.

It's most, it's all of my face. It's just this whole zone right here. But yeah, right between my eyebrows has just been sloughing skin, like I have leprosy. And every morning, Emily will be like, there's toothpaste on your face and you're fucking peeling. I'm like, okay, well, good morning to you too, love of my life.

Oh, you get so annoyed. Well, it's like, let me live. Well. The first three things you say don't have to be just blasts. I have to tell Sam when he has toothpaste on his face before Emily sees it. Yeah, so Emily won't give me the belt treatment.

Good time. I'm hitting the old road again. Hawaii, Honolulu, this weekend, January 11th. Two shows for some reason. Not the best market for me historically. But it's Hawaii. They don't love you? Are they sold out?

No, they're not sold out. There's plenty, it's 800 tickets. I've been sold 800, no, just in general. It's two shows, 400 seats each. I haven't sold 800 tickets in Honolulu. Wow. Yeah, cause sometimes they'll be like, oh, they spotted a dolphin wearing a hat.

So everyone just leaves the city to go look for it. I've never been to Hawaii. I'm excited. I'm excited too. We're gonna have so much fun. We're gonna have Mike D on the pod to tell some old Elizabeth stories. What else?

Oh yeah, Des Moines, Iowa. I'm coming back to Denver. I'm doing the Denver Comedy Underground's grand opening, the 23rd and 24th of January. Tell me. Oh, I did tell you. And you were Googling masks near me. A lot of great dates available coming up.

I'm gonna find them. Sophie, vamp. The Super Bowl is February 9th for everyone that wanted to know. No, that's good vamping. Wise Guys in Las Vegas, the end of January, Zany's Rosemont, those will sell out. That's the weekend after the Super Bowl. You know what?

That's Valentine's weekend. Bring your girl, bring your guy, bring your non-binary lover Vancouver Madison Washington DC Cleveland Toledo Houston Kansas City Lexington Kentucky Omaha Glasgow London Manchester Paris Amsterdam Australia New Zealand damn it's all coming up to see you this year I love you guys join the patreon please Becker needs some money Get over there patreon.com Slash chubby behemoth five bucks. That's all it costs to keep a roof over Becker's bald head Lund fat as ever

Goodbye