Chubby Behemoth - Go Get Em

Episode Date: June 27, 2022

Part Time Bed. I/Me. This Pig Sucks. Chris Durant, Seth Milstein, and Baseball Robbie.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

So let's turn it down to New Austin or what? Hello? Come close. Come in here. Hello, check. Hello? Hello. Hello.

It's good, right? You can see it. I can't see it. You can put the computer on the desk. If you guys fuck me on this, it's over. You're done. All right? I'm going to tell everyone what you did to Ann.

I didn't do anything to Anne. I bought her a drink and a garlic knot. You told me when I got here that you were fucking her on the stage like a pig. Yeah, I said like a pig. Yeah. You said, I made her oink. You said, I made Annie oink. That was the first thing you said, and then you made me smell your palm.

We can't say her last name. Okay, I don't know her last name. Good. I'm guessing it's Machinovitz? That's my guess. Nope. No? No, she's not in the trap.

What's her last name? I can't. No. That's a classic gag. So you're sitting in your bed. Yeah, my part-time bed. How part-time is this bed? Four to five days a week. Okay, so that's your full-time bed. Yeah, my part-time bed. How part-time is this bed? Four to five days a week.

Okay, so that's your full-time bed. Yeah, kind of. Yeah, your part-time bed's the one you have at home. Yeah, 20 miles away. Okay. Yeah. How are things going over there? Good.

All right. It's a nice respite to get out of this place for a minute. I like it. Yeah. You have a bunch of, like, cool alternative magazines in here. Most of them we publish. Can't move them. Wiffleball bats.

What looks to be a real AK-47. That's an airsoft. I love that you can't move your magazine, but it's also free. Every time any of your distributors for Savage Henry Magazine, I've been in your distributor's cars in four different states now, and every time you get in the car there's, I don't know,

1,200 magazines just in the back that they haven't done shit with. Yeah. They're all down for weight purposes. That's what it is. They're like,

don't tell Durant. It's rear wheel drive. Yeah. Uh, yeah, uh, yeah, people still think we do it.

We haven't done one in like two years or a year and a half. So people just come in, can I get the new issue? I'm like, sure. Right there. Three-year-old issue. The last issue.

It is technically the newest issue. Technically, sometimes it's not. I mean, how many are over here? Right here, about four or five different issues. The last four or five, about 200 or 300 each. So you have roughly 22,000 magazines over there. I don't know the...

How furious would the advertisers be to know that no one has seen what they paid to advertise it? They did see. Did they see? Yeah, much of them got out. We always held on to some. The only people who saw these weren't even people. They were the dogs in the puppy mill that read this when it was lining their kennel.

Yeah, probably. I'm joined here by the illustrious Christopher Durant. Chris is the publisher extraordinaire of the now-defunct Savage Henry magazine, which started off as, what do you say, it was like a way for discerning adults to get child porn? Okay, that wasn't a real laugh.

That was not a sincere laugh at all. That's my child porn laugh. It started out because I got fired from, well, not fired, but they took my interview. I didn't ask. I didn't ask for the whole fucking story. There were no pizzas involved. And we're joined also, and we're joined here by,

did you forget his name? Oh, Seth Milstein. I didn't know how much of your name you wanted to give. Oh, yeah, the whole thing. Okay. Seth Milstein, known... Stand-up comedian i was gonna say jew no no stolen valor you claim it on stage you're like oh it's so hot in here but the soup's cold

oh it's so hot like the desert yeah where we wondered uh no. No, this is a big day for us, guys. One's out. Yeah. We can officially announce it. Quit fake laughing. I can't do my real laugh. It'll blow the speakers or whatever. Yeah, if you do your real laugh, all those magazines are going to catch fire.

Because your real laugh is pretty much, Mup! That's how you show enjoyment to the world. Your laugh sounds like a Muppet! That's how you show enjoyment to the world. Your laugh sounds like a Muppet coming. Yeah. It sounds like a Muppet

who got the mic turned off and was about to say something. What your laugh is, when you're behind the bar, your laugh is the desperate hope of trying to get laughter going.

Is that what it is? There are times when I have to get the ball rolling. Ha ha! Yeah, while you're counting money. Ha ha ha ha!

Yeah, you laugh like after Dr. Teeth had too much fucking Tennessee whiskey. It's like, oh, Dr. Teeth's putting

hard R's on it. That's you. This is big, guys. So, Lund is out of the pot officially, everyone. It's like, oh, Dr. T's putting hard R's on it. That's you. This is big, guys. So Lund is out of the pot officially, everyone. It's my honor to say that. And I'm auditioning these two people because we need another dark-haired lummox on the pot. We need another... We are Lund-shaped.

You are. Yeah, we're both Lund-shaped. You guys are guis and guas. We are lun-shaped. You are. Yeah, we're both lun-shaped. You guys are guis and guas. It was funny when your friend Ann came and you were like, yeah, I'm going to fucking try and fuck her or whatever, dude.

I said my friend's coming and I haven't seen her since high school. Yeah, you're like, I'm going to try and plug this slut, but she's going to see that I'm a total gui-guo and I'm out. I did say that. Yeah. I said she's expecting thin Seth from high school. Yeah. She doesn't know that I I'm a total guiguo and I'm out. I did say that. She's expecting thin Seth from high school. She doesn't know that I've become a total wad at this point.

Don't whisper towards the end. We're doing a fucking podcast. I'm trying to help you right now. I know. I appreciate it so much. You have a big movie credit and you don't give a shit about this little rinky-dink pod. Yeah, it's a big movie. I think I Am Chode comic got more play than the actual movie did

yes your joke is more popular than the movie i only did that once yeah but on facebook because of the book i love that also the guy who got you to sign his book got you to sign it as Seth Milstein is a chode comic which is not a direct quote from what you said. No, mine was funny. Yeah, yours was funny. And you did ask me before you went on stage if you could say that.

I did? What? You leaned over to me and you said hey, when you bring me up, I'm going to say Seth Milstein, I am road comic more like I am chode comic. And I was like, yeah, that sounds funny. I think you should say that. Well, that was early in our courtship, though. Yeah, that was very early.

You were testing the boundaries. Well, now we're friends. Yeah. So I can just be like, yeah, I was trying to fucking come in this hole's ass. It's a direct quote. You were there, Durant. You could just be like, hey, your friend is a pig

that you fucked on stage. Anne was lovely. Yeah, she was a good actress. And it's weird that Anne had to leave your side at the same time my dad decided to take a sabbatical from the crew as well.

Yeah, I think Dirty Dave is fucking putting the work in right now. Maybe he's got the hostess. Maybe he's doing it all up over there. Yeah, I hope that Duddy is balls deep in your friend from high school and that elderly fucking crystal enthusiast whose house we're staying in.

She's nice. She's nice. Yeah, and her husband's name is Rocky. Correct. So yeah, Rocky, we pulled up to the house and we were parking and there was just this wild-eyed, sunburnt man staring at us.

And I was like, alright dad, what the fuck is this? And then we get out and he's like, so who's the funny one? And my dad was like, not me. And then just left me there standing with Rocky. I didn't know who this guy was. I didn't know he was connected to the house. No, I thought it was just one of your patented

Humboldt County drifters who's going to be like, hey, big daddy, I'm looking for a miracle right now. Can you hook me up with a dream come true? Which is just a handjob.

And in the next room, we're joined by the illustrious, multi-talented man who needs no introduction, Baseball Robbie. Good stuff, Baseball.

Thanks for getting involved. I'm proud of him for getting those shoulders on the way upstairs. You guys have been blasting him for his shoulders. He doesn't want to... We've got to stop. He gave me the... Sorry.

Sorry, Robbie. He gave me the okay last time. Yeah, sorry everyone's marveling at your perfect body, Robbie. We don't get to do that a lot. Because we look like we should be in that petting zoo. He does look like he throws horses for fun. Yeah, he's a lot of meat.

Yeah, he runs a horse hospital. What? Yeah, that's true. Why isn't he on the pod? Ask him, he's right there. Robbie, you run a horse hospital? I run a horse hospital. And I'm in here with Bingus and Mingus?

Robbie, you run a horse hospital? I run a horse hospital. And I'm in here with Bingus and Mingus? I'm in here with a guy who runs a magazine that doesn't exist and an adult screen printer? God damn it, Robbie. Adult screen printer. That's you. No.

That's a little kid chat. No, this is cool, man. You guys are the core part of the Northwest Sam T. Posse. Yeah. I'm really glad you guys could be on here because Lund had that gobstopper accident. He tried to chubby bunny his way into the Guinness Book, and he's passed on, everyone. Lund is dead. Yeah.

I wish I could say I miss him. So was it a bunch in his throat? One really big one. Lund's so stupid he confused his mouth with his ass. He was trying to jam a gobstopper in his urethra. Megan walked in. I knew it would end this way.

You dumb piece of shit. No, I think Lund's putting out his own episode with Fat Bichardson and Andres Bechamel. Oh, okay. Yeah, so he's got a real B team down there in Trinidad this weekend. I'm sure they moved a bunch of tickets for that show. I've enjoyed at least one of the Lund-only episodes. How many has he done, like six?

Fifteen. Okay, I liked one of them. Yeah. What's Lund's Deal live? We used to do a segment on our show in Denver when we didn't have an opening, which would just be What's Lund's Deal? And then he'd come out and be

like, there's a lot of chicken bones on the ground on Colfax. My dog keeps eating them. And I'd be like, alright, that's a Lund update. No, but we are live here from an undisclosed location. You can say where we are. Okay, we are in...

Oh, yeah. We're in where you test out all the open micers. Your weird sex shed above the comedy club you own. This is a divorce safe house. Yeah, you had Lex up here the other night.

Real names of real people. No, no. I'm kidding, Duran. I know. Everyone knows you don't have a penis. You were tricked by that gypsy. She was like, I have the other half of the amulet. It was left nostril.

The gypsy was right. It was the biggest pass I ever did see. Oh, yeah. Dude, we used to have, I mean, we still have fun. You've lost, what, 130 pounds? About 100 since opening the club, yeah. Yeah. Yep.

You were 380? About, yeah. And now you're what? 280. 280? Mm-hmm. That's huge. Yeah.

You and Lund weigh the same. Wow. That's crazy. Lund might weigh more than you. He weighed more than you. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, it's not the healthiest way

they started the diet but once I saw the results I switched over to a more healthier way wait how did you start the diet? oh lots of cocaine give me this room I tried that diet

I didn't I call it the I call it you got this I know come on man come on hot riff

coming up where was where was where was you from? uh Colombian diet oh yeah nice dude long way from that joke yeah the Hollywood diet Come on, man. Come on, hot riff, coming up. Where was Populescu from? The Medellin Diet.

Oh, yeah. Nice, dude. Long way from that joke. The Hollywood Diet, the Miami Diet. This guy books a comedy club. He decides who lives and dies in Northern California. I never thought about that. Yeah. Yeah, dude, you wield the power.

No, I don't. There's no power here. Very sober. Sobering way to put it. Yeah, you lost a whole bunch of weight. You're looking, I mean, you know. Good's not the word, but you know. I've been in a comedy club for four days.

You look different. Yeah. Yeah, and most of you, all you eat is old back issues of your magazine right gotta cut corners man he's going insane from the ink soy ink

that's good my fiber has never been higher you're probably dropping pink logs paperless that's from all the fucking guts he eats i just eat the shrimp set do you eat shrimp no i hate you he lives in a bay i don't live in a bay i live in a coffee well yeah back in the old day you got in the bay and all the water ran out. Because you were such a fucking wad.

You look good, though. My dad was like, oh, my God, Durant looks amazing. I was like, Dad, you've seen three people this year. Yeah, it's all down to you. You look like you could be my older brother. I've always felt, like, very familial with you. Yeah. And you've also treated me like a son for a long time.

I don't want to know where that's going. What? I was being sincere. Yeah. Oh, my God. Okay, cool. Good. I got it.

How dare you? How am I supposed to know? Jeez. Yeah, I mean, the way you called when we met, you just called me out of the fucking blue. I think Pemberton gave you my number or something. Definitely wasn't Pemberton. All right. Well, somebody gave you the number, and you just answered it. of the fucking blue I think Pemberton gave you my number or something definitely wasn't Pemberton alright well somebody gave you the number

and you just answered it Durant yeah alright you just jumped on the fest yeah but you didn't you didn't put me

on the good show though no but I got you in a good place to stay you did well that was the first year was like Derek Sheen Ian Carmel

Canaan Brian Cook's Malevolence I remember watching them all crush and I was like this is the best festival ever I'd never heard of anyone, Canaan, Brian Cook's Malevolence. I remember watching them all crush, and I was like, this is the best festival ever. I'd never heard of any of them besides Canaan. Yeah. And then I did a show in, like, a dog fighting pit.

It paid in fucking canine teeth. I was like, well, okay, maybe next year. Yeah. You jumped on at the last minute, so I had to get you in where I could. Yeah, and I also was, I was cutting edge back then. I wasn't necessarily funny. That was, what, 12 years ago? Yeah, about 11.

Well, it's our 11th fest coming up. So I was like 22, 23. Yeah, 12-ish, you fucking son of a bitch. That was a very nasty way to put it last night. I didn't mean to be nasty. I was like, hey, Durant, my old friend. Hey, me carnal. Romano.

Me amor. How long we known each other? Twelve years? And you were like, ish. Why would you say that? Because I'm very, I used to be a journalist, so details are important. I didn't know exactly. Yeah, you're like Studs Terkel. I forgot.

Fucking Bernstein over here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, uh, so yeah, I don't know. I just didn't want to lock into a specific number. Yeah, no. Until I had proper time to research it.

I get it. Yeah. You don't want to tell a lie. Except for the tax man. Yeah, the tax man doesn't even know we exist right now. That's huge. Yeah, they do actually. But the grants have helped, so it's all coming weird.

Ulysses S? What was that? Oh, you mean like grants from the government. Yeah, they do, actually. But the Grants have helped, so it's all coming weird. Ulysses S? What was that? Oh, you meant Grants from the government. Yeah, yeah. I thought you meant the Grant family. No. Like the war criminal. Oh, no, I didn't know that.

Ulysses. Yeah. Oh, he stayed here. In Humboldt. In this room. In the club. Things are rocky at home, Grant. Maybe that's his ghost in here.

I don't know. But he used to run when he was a captain or something. He was up at Fort Humble. Huh. Yeah, he got blamed for being a drunk. They said he was a fall-down drunk, but they busted him drunk once at his post, and it haunted him for the rest of his life.

Yeah, that shit will carry around. I mean, there was no internet back then. There was internet, no. It's a good thing the social rules are a little lighter for you. We've seen you. I went to the shanty one time to meet up with Chris and he was watching a baseball game.

I'll probably call him. Will you just make sure that he doesn't say anything racist too loud? Okay, I think I have to say, I don't say racist things on our show. Just when the brewers are losing. It was like a thing where there was a player's name that kind of sounded a little bit

like a slur. Oh, that Dodger guy. I forgot his name. You were fielding calls from people from LA that were just telling you to go fuck yourself because of your Facebook posts. I put my phone number on there and everything. Yeah.

Wow. I had a dude tell me he was going to kill me and shit. Didn't a Chinese woman say she was going to kill you?

No. That case you were reporting about? She was a Chinese. Oh. She was a regular white lady. Okay, let's not say

regular. That's not what we're doing on this podcast. All right. Well, I mean, she was a regular white lady. Okay, let's not say regular. That's not what we're doing on this podcast. She was an irregular white lady. The most irregular white lady is Chinese. Her scene was on the side. Oh my god.

What's going on here? That was Seth. That was Seth's middle scene. I just shop a lot at Ross Dress for Less. What does that mean? Is that one of your season dog whistles? They did a zipper on the side, and that's why it appeared $30. Well, you had a pretty funny joke about that ride at the fair, the zipper. No, I did not.

Yeah, I remember. No, no, no. Yeah, you were. Oh, man. No. Well, you just said you were like a fan of the zipper. No, that was Z Carrera. Two R's.

Yeah, both at the end. I don't even know if you said it. That's his third person from you, so. I for sure said it. Okay. It was funny. You think Zeke said a funny thing? No way.

Not on purpose. I'm Zeke. Zeke talks like Patrick Richardson. They should have a pod called Rising Inflection. I'm Zeke talks like Patrick Richardson They should have a pod Called Rising Inflection I'm Zeke Zeke's like Hi I'm Zeke I'm huge

He had 12 different sized donuts there Yeah all day Yeah He just kept eating them He did Then at one point he got fries Uh huh And then he went

I don't even want these Yeah Like he was pissed about free fries coming Cause he ordered tachos Which you, because he's a bodybuilder. He's building a replica body of his ex. Having sex with it. What? Come on.

Pumpkin. Two L's in town. Baseball, you're more than allowed to be in this room, by the way. I'll move Seth's glasses. Yeah, yeah. Baseball, come lay in Durant's bed. It wouldn't be the first time. Yeah, I know.

How do you think you got booked on this weekend? Now, remember to talk. You still have to be close to the mic. I didn't invite Baseball to speak. Oh, okay. Yeah, I said he could be in the room. Baseball, if you talk, I'm going to slap the shit out of you, all right? No, I'm kidding.

We need your laugh. That was a good test. We need your laugh. Yeah, yeah. Baseball, you're hosting the shows this weekend? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Last night went well?

I think so. It was lots of fun. It was good. There was an Asian woman who, what was the direct quote? Because she would have to go to the bathroom, and I was like, you know, pissed on my chest, groundbreaking comedy, that kind of stuff that I do. And I was like, spread your, give me your yellow dream.

And she was, like, whispered to her friend, and I was like, what did you whisper? That was racist? It was not meant to be that way. That was not the intent. But then, I was like, are you having fun? And she said, uh, you've created an environment of fear. I do have that on video.

I need that. You've created an environment of fear? They were here last night. I'm coming back to be part of the environment of fear. Yeah, I don't... And then she was like, you chased people to the bathroom. You chased me to the bathroom. I had to piss through most of your set.

You would have got a pass. Oh, yeah, I wasn't going. There was no way I was going to walk through that room. When you walked off stage, I walked past you and I said, I've had to piss so bad. Yeah. I was like, get in there, brother. Yeah. I'm putting the 40-footer XLR

down on stage for you tonight. Oh, good. So I can hang myself with it when no one shows up. Durant booked me against Oyster Festival. Well, you want, that's the thing.

You want to see. Not one, but two fairs are in town? Only one is. Okay. No, I'm glad to be up here. This is my weekend. I love Oyster Festival weekend.

That was, I mean, your second one, right? Oyster Fest? Oh, I'm not complaining. I'm. This is my weekend. I love Oyster Festival weekend. That was, I mean, your second one, right? Oyster Fest? Oh, I'm not complaining. I'm fibbing. But it was a weak one. This was a weak Oyster Fest. It was different.

Yeah. It used to be on the square. Well, you know, Rovers Way just was debunked. Yeah, it was debunked. Yeah. Is that the term? They just proved it wrong. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh, God. Myth Busters came in and they were like, Buster. Ben and Teller? Turns out.

Yeah, Ben and Teller. Ben and Teller showed you how Roe vs. Wade did it. Right. What was that show with Ben and Teller, Trick Me? Bullshit.

Bullshit, yeah. Bullshit was one and then it was like, yeah, it was like Fool Me or something. Yeah. They were tired of... Bullshit was one, and then it was like, yeah, it was like, fool me or something. Yeah. They were tired of getting fooled by those ladies. So we're having fun this weekend.

We have another big show tonight. Yeah. I mean, all the stars are here. Evan Vest. He suckered his way onto the show somehow tonight. Yeah. He's your dad. I know exactly how.

And it's funny, and your dad's not even going to be here tonight. Yeah, well, he's... He's going, I want to see Evan Vess. He's like, yeah, let me out! He's got some handfuls of Ann. I had a crush on him in high school. Yeah. My dad's plugging a lady who's like 35 years younger than him.

It's pretty sick. Yeah. She's got two kids. You're going to have new siblings. I don't need that. No. I've got enough headaches out there with my own sister. God. She's so jealous that she's not I got enough headaches out there with my own sister. God.

She's so jealous that she's not here. They're younger. You can train them. Yeah. Okay. You were saying you were grooming them

last night. That was the term you were going with? I can't remember exactly what you said. Did I say something in a fever state? You even used

like a calm motion. Yeah. Well, yeah, you came over to spend the night with me and my dad and you were just whispering in your sleep. You, yeah, you came over to spend the night with me and my dad, and you were just whispering in your sleep. You're like, can't wait to see Anne.

And those kids. Yeah. I want to see where they came from. Put them back in there. No, you were not being very untoward to Anne. No. You invited her to a den of wolves, and she held her in. Really?

I was worried about it, but it turned out nice. Yes. Well, please keep whispering, because no one's going to hear a fucking word you say. I know you don't get asked to do a lot of shows. All right. We're, uh... You know, once we got into the

stuff, I was like, maybe I shouldn't be on this podcast. Anne will never hear this. No, I know. Anne, this isn't a Patreon. She subscribes to the Patreon. Yeah. She doesn't listen to the Normie episodes. Yeah, exactly.

For the guise. She's a real head. Yeah. I'm surprised for you. Anne, come on out. She's just crying. It's like, Seth, why? My dad's cum's running down her leg.

Oh, God. He's out there smoking inside. Duddy's back. The losers of the race for your new sibling. Just oozing out of her. Ew. Oh, yeah. No, Ann was cool.

We had a big day today. Yeah, it was huge. It was like a make-a-wish thing or some shit. It was, dude. Yeah. It was like a humble make-a-wish. Yeah, it was. We It was like a make a wish thing or some shit. It was, dude. Yeah. It was like a humble make a wish. Yeah,

it was. We nailed it. Oysterfest is like pros. I think on accident, but getting there so early. Yep.

Because we left and there's a little line we got there and we're leaving. Oh, God, you see those fucking lines?

You left like a half an hour before we did. I had to go. Because he doesn't eat in front of people. Right, yeah.

That's his thing. I went and had 14 cheeseburgers at the pub before you guys got there he made me fake a picture he took a picture of him pretending to eat food to send to someone who claims they've never seen him eat food

and then he spit out the food my teeth are too soft and then Zeke ate it Zeke was eating the shells of the oysters today he left no man behind. Yeah. That shows calcium deficiency.

He is such a beast. We got there, and he was in a line already. And then we finally got to the front of that line, and then he'd already been in two other lines by then. Yeah. Oyster Fest is a blast. I just remember the old days. You know, all the old heads listening to this will know.

You know, when it was on the plaza, the square, as I call it, it was so much better. Yeah, it was. Yeah. I mean, I was over there, I remember my mom woke up at like 7.30 one day at Oysterfest and went to the Alibi, and she was like in there alone with the janitor cleaning up, just drinking booze. And my sister was like, where's mom?

And I was like, I don't know. And then we wandered in there, and she had like two empty mojitos in front of her by 8.30. Yeah. She gets it. Alibi, that's a place to do that too. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I've had breakfast beers at the Alibi before. Oh, yeah. They have a great Bloody Mary there. Oh, yeah. I've done it. Yeah. I love a Bloody Mary. Yeah.

It's like hair of the dog and giving you all the vitamins that you depleted at the same time. It's like a savory Gatorade in your body. Yeah. It's like hair of the dog and giving you all the vitamins that you depleted at the same time. It's like a savory Gatorade in your body. Yeah, it is. Baseball, go. Well, I had a... Good stuff, baseball. Strike one! Yeah.

And the manager is going to the mound that was actually less interesting than the story of why he's called baseball we're not doing that you tricked me into it last time you turned it into a trilogy no it was Ariel's fault she sidled me all quiet

he told the first part of the story and he goes and that's the first part of the story, and he goes, and that's the second part of the trilogy. Let me, I can tell the story real quick. When you were 17, you beat the shit out of a Vietnamese guy with a baseball bat. You're mixing him up with Mark Wahlberg. Oh, you're not Mark Wahlberg?

Oh, that was the guy, their buddy. Oh, stop it, Mark. You gotta hear it, Mark. Now, what accent is that is that Boston I don't know man that didn't seem very fine that was like that was like

Jamaican and Irish and New York and Boston at the same time accents are hard if you want to do his name you have to say his name first

that's the trick Mark that's the trick to... Mac. Mac. Are you doing an impression of a duck? That was him laughing again. Yeah.

Mac. You're doing it, Chris. This is why I don't go on the stage. Yeah, and the stage would collapse. No, you're skinny now. Skinny is a strong word. Well, Chris, we used to do runs throughout Oregon and weird places in California. One time you said, I want to do a grower bar.

Yeah. So I got you a grower bar. The Rock Slide. Yeah. You know, did I tell you what it used to be called? Can you say it on the pod? I can. What?

Simon Legree's. Oh, no. Simon Legree is the boss man from Uncle Tom's Cabin. Whoa. Yeah. So just in the woods in the middle, you come around a corner and there's a bar. Is there a business in Humboldt County that does not have a racist name? Yeah, I was going to say Savage Henry.

I went, well. Yeah. Bigfoot. I don't know. I don't know. That sounds like a swear word. That's what they called Dikembe Matambo. Big finger. Big finger. No, no, no. God, I love Dikembe so much.

Yeah, so today, we went to Oyster Festival, which they moved to the Creamery District, which is what Seth was calling Anne's pussy. So we're over there. That's a really big apology to me. She'll never hear that. Dad, text new mom. Tell new mommy old daddy's upset.

That's you. Old daddy. You're old daddy. You were almost new daddy. Could have been. So we went to, and we had oysters. What oysters did we have today? We had fried oysters from the Japanese place.

Which were, like, kind of creamy and weird. Yeah. The, yeah, because they put a kind of creamy and weird. Yeah. Yeah, because they put a lot of sauces on them. Right. I'm there for an oyster flavor. I like a little something in there. Yeah. When you fry an oyster, it just kind of tastes like a turd.

Yeah. It's, like, wet inside. You know what I mean? Yeah. You've got a lot of experience with that? I've eaten turds. Okay. Every time I hang out with my Uncle Tom, and he has a...

I have an Uncle Tom. Okay. I'm not Simon Legree-ing it. All right. Yeah. You have a signed copy of Uncle Tom's Cabin. It's what you have. And he'll always tell the story of when I was a wee boy, how I ate a bunch of goat poop

at my parents' house, because we had goats and shit. But a new addition that my Aunt Julie revealed at my graduation party a couple weeks ago is that I was eating the goat poop with a spoon. I was down there sitting like it was Cocoa Pebbles. Just munching goat poop.

For some reason, he's told this story a thousand times. Just left out the spoon. That's more disturbing. That shows intent. That means I got up on my stepstool. Just left out the spoon. That's more disturbing. That shows intent. That means I got up on my stepstool. You just went from third to first degree. Yeah, exactly. This is warm blood.

I got the spoon out of the drawer and then went down to my favorite goat shit area and sat down with my lunch pit. Your goat in a hole. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so. Yeah. So, yeah, no, I've eaten some turds. But the fried ones were my least favorite.

Yeah, and then I don't remember what kind, the ones that Zeke brought over to us while we were in line for the other ones. The ones with the flowers in them? Yeah. Yeah, those were weird. They had a green sauce that was not wasabi. No. And those were pretty good. I think it was an apple compote. Yeah, maybe.

I don't know. Was it sweet? It was good. Was it like a Granny Smith flavor to it? No, it wasn't sharp. It was kind of like a mellow, like almost like a tahini situation, kind of like almost a sesame thing. Yeah. It was really good. And then the ones that we were in line for were the ones that had the beef sauce, which was like Old

Bay and... Sugar. Yeah. Butter Old Bay sugar. Yeah. It was like Old Bay and sugar. Butter, Old Bay, sugar. Yeah. It was like six different things. It was too much all at once. Those were fine, but I felt like we should have just gotten the garlic ones

because that was simpler ingredients. They used to just do like you get one oyster for a reasonable price. A dollar! So you just go to all of them instead of having to buy a whole fucking platter. you get one oyster for a reasonable price. A dollar. Yeah. And it would just be, so you just go to all of them instead of having to buy like a whole fucking platter. Yeah.

Yeah. So, yeah. And then there's like more tie-dye fucking salesmen out there than there were oyster. There were. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. And then we did the raw ones. The Minionette. Yeah. Classic. Those were really, really great. Yeah, white wine, champagne vinegar, garlic.

Those are my favorite. Those are my favorite. You guys know where those ones are from? No, I don't remember the name of the place that was the one that Ariel waited in line for

for an hour and a half yeah and it was the one that had the craziest line if that was those lines were that big when we were there

and then we saw the lines of people going in yeah I mean god damn no one got noisier they got there past the one o'clock

no for sure yeah no it was a total shit show yeah they were just there to see whatever jam band they were throwing up i was like who booked this festival chris durant um it would be in a dispensary yeah the whole fest would be a dispensary tell about your uh your run-in my run-in what the, yeah, when we were leaving. That's good second-rate behavior right there.

We all got into the car, and I rolled down my window, and this dude was like a shaved head. He was pretty vato'd out. Yeah, there was vato vibe, but I couldn't speak to his ethnicity. Because you couldn't understand him? No. He started walking real slow across the street with his hands out. With leather gloves on. With leather gloves on.

With leather gloves on, not fingerless. Oh, even more men's. And he was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt and long pants. And he just was staring at me, and he goes, where are you going? And I was like, I don't know. I just pulled out. Cool as a cube got me too the whole time. I'm like, what's going on over here

so I was like well yeah I was like I'm in a whole car I'm surrounded by metal I have no protection oh yeah for sure I mean my move would have been like if he quickened up his pace and actually got a jab in

I would have grabbed his arm, rolled up the window and then drove for a couple of blocks and dropped him. Took him right to the police station? Yeah. You should have driven him into Zeke's open mouth. Zeke would have eaten him. He was that hungry. Cheat your own?

But yeah. And then Durant looked in the rear view and said the guy was running after the car. But we were literally two blocks away by that point. So I don't know. Maybe he was a fan of I Am Road comic. Yeah, that's what it was. He was like, where are you going? Are you on the road again? Are you going to catch the Greyhound?

He was a fan of a movie that was on Netflix for 12 minutes. I remember I Am Comic was awesome. I watched the shit out of that movie multiple times. I actually bought it. It was the shit out of that movie multiple times. I actually bought it. It was at the premiere of that movie. Yeah.

They premiered it at Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Is that the Poseidon one? No. No, that's... I Am Comic was Rich Scheidner. That's the comedians of comedy to it. Yeah, that's... Oh, wait.

You're thinking of Just Shoot Me. You're thinking of Mr. Show. Yeah. Mandalorian episode one he was in the Mandalorian? he was in episode one oh my god he's got an action figure

Bill Burr's got an action figure if I was a total dork I would give a shit about that alright I know I was hanging out over here in Chodeville baseball

hit em yeah I saw that one too alright good stuff baseball 0 for 2 the count is not full. I say you got a piece of that one. He did, that was a foul ball. Yeah, but then you were in the sequel. The sequel, yeah. You were in Fletch Lives. There's been a third? I know,

I am like war comic. I am battle comic. Yeah, which you would Fletch Lives. There's been a third? I know, I am like war comic. I'm battle comic. Yeah. Which you would think is about roasting, but it's about comics who go and do... No, it's the USO guys. Yeah. Which is noble. I mean, I think Jordan was cool to do that, but it wouldn't have been my next choice in the line of succession of what types of comics there are.

You mean they didn't ask you to go to Buran or Buran? No, no. They definitely didn't want to go overseas with me. Yeah, there's a bunch of people over there in POW camps, and they're like, All right, after you get done eating your friends, we have the ultimate torture. Seth Milstein. No, just a bunch of people swallowing their own tongues. We gave you one bullet for a reason.

He's going to do jokes about being a Jewish turtle. Yes. My dad, we did a show in Salem on Thursday, and this is the big breaking news from Dave T. Are you farting? No, I'm stretching my shoulder, sorry. That's all right. Does it reek over there?

No. It's a thing, he's got a thing. Okay. It was a bad shoulder. Yeah, and you, you work at a horse hospital. Yeah. So you're his primary care provider? Yeah, just lay down, Durant. So my dad, we got to the Infinity Room. Great show from Sweet Emma.

And I clocked the bartender. And it's Salem at a vegan comedy club. And the bartender looks androgynous. So I walk up and I'm like, my name's Sam, I'm the comic. And the bartender was like, hi, I'm Jarrett. And I said, nice to meet you, Jarrett. What are your pronouns? And they said, they, them.

I was like, cool. I proceed. My dad, I go up to my dad halfway through the show, and my dad's like, you had us ordered off that guy. And I was like, they, them. And my dad's like, I got a story to tell you. And I was like, dude, whatever you're about to say, you save it for when we're in the car ride home. And then like two more times throughout the night, my dad's like, I got to tell you something pretty good.

And I was like, dude, no, you're an active representative of me when you're out in the road with me. Whatever you got to say, I'm sure it'll be great, you're an active representative of me when you're out in the road with me. Whatever you've got to say, I'm sure it'll be great, but save it for when we're alone. So we get in the car, and I was like, all right, Dad, what do you got? Tell me this story you've been fucking chomping at the bit to tell. And he says, well, the bartender, I'll try to do my best dad impression. You guys have been talking to him for a couple days. Well, the bartender, I ordered nachos.

And I said, thanks, man. And the bartender took a beat and then touched, this is my dad quoting, I'm quoting my father, touched his chest and said, they them. And I took a beat, and I touched my chest, and I said, I me. So my dad's just out here not respecting people's pronouns, lifestyles.

And then Ariel last night, I introduced my dad to Ariel, and he looked at me and went, I'm me. Did you tell Ariel that? No, I have not. I think she would think it's funny. She would love it. I want my dad to tell that story. Oh, okay.

Because Ariel's like doing, you know, she's on the cutting edge. And she is she. She's none of they, them. Yeah. But she's on the cutting edge of gender and everything. And I think she would really get a kick out of my dad. You asked her how she identified yesterday. Yeah.

And she goes, I don't care about pronouns. I feel like that's just a way to let people know you're autistic. Yeah. And I was like, God, whenever you're on, I want a little taste. Yeah. So, yeah, my dad's just problematic. He's out here. He's been wonderful.

He's sincerely a very sweet man. He's the best. But my dad says shit, like, when it comes to trans people. My dad will be like, you know, I don't care whatever floats your boat. I just think that if I met a trans person, the first thing I would ask is what genitals they have. He's like, I think I have the right to know. I think when society evolves to a certain level,

I think there's just an age cutoff where you're just like, no. Right. It doesn't mean you're an asshole, necessarily. It just means I'm beyond learning this new whatever. I live in fear of what day that's going to be for me.

Mine was last Tuesday. Yeah, right. He just like, he's really always... Someone told you to stop saying the important things. I just couldn't figure it out. Oh, yeah, that. I couldn't figure it out. He does, he's, like, very progressive, you know.

He's fucking interracial from a small town in Colorado. He's half Mexican. Like, there's all this cool stuff about my dad. But for some reason on this whole, like, gender, gender, transgender thing, he just won't get with it. His version of thinking he's progressive on this whole thing is like, he was like, yeah, it's all changing. It just keeps changing. I remember back in

2014 with this whole trans stuff, I had a co-worker and I said to her, so do you have a boyfriend? And she said, I've got a girlfriend. So there you go. And I was like, that has nothing to do with you dead-naming bartenders.

It has nothing to do with any kind of gender binary or whatsoever. You just assumed a woman had a boyfriend. Right. Yeah. You haven't even gotten

to the other two things. What are the other two things? That we did today. Oh, well. I'm kind of slow rolling it. That's all right. I'm just saying that. You're doing great.

Everyone's doing great. First time I've been out in a public that wasn't the club or anything in a while, and I'm going to say it. Thank you for getting me out. Well, dude. You've got some vitamins, finally. Oh, yeah? Sun vitamins.

Yeah. Oh, okay. It's kind of like Sonic with the rings. Just collected them. Robbie, talk so everyone can hear. Oh, yes. Like Sonic with rings. All right. Never mind Robbie, talk so everyone can hear. Oh, oh, yes. Like Sonic with rings. All right, never mind.

Just go outside. All right, my bad. I'm, golly. The bases are loaded. Old baseball. No, so yeah, I'm glad he got out of the house. Or this equivalent. Yeah.

You got out of this gerbil cage you're living in over here. It smells like sex in here. Not happening in here. No? All right. Oh, that's Seth. Yeah. Yeah.

He was pounding Groot. What was it? Yeah. If we're going to put that on the pod, I have to give credit to Eugene comic James Manning III, who calls jerking off Smashing Root in one of his jokes. I like yours more, Pounding Groot. I just fuck random fake characters from the Marvel Universe. Small trees.

Yeah, you call it Moon Knighting. That's DC. Shut up, dorks. All right. Moon Knight? It's MCU. Really? Oh, yeah, it Moon Knighting. Yeah. That's DC. Shut up, dorks. All right. Moon Knight? It's MCU. Really? Oh, yeah, because Batman was Batman, and Moon Knight was White Batman. Right.

Yeah. Speaking of, White Blade was in here not too long ago. Who's White Blade? It's a guy you named him as Stephanie's ex-boyfriend, and he came in, he had the bleached hair, and then the halo. He kind of scared me a little bit. Yeah. And you just called him White and then he just

now he's like goes around introducing himself as White Black Jesus Christ this is a phenomenon when I go on the road I'll come back

and they'll be like hey remember when you remember when you called me Spoon Body and I'm like no I don't was I struggling on stage and you stood up

yeah yeah okay Spoon Body so yeah we went and we had we watched Zeke eat like I don I don't know, 15 potatoes. They were fried, they were sliced at the pub. The pub, yeah. Where you were sitting alone at a table for five for like an hour and a half.

Yeah, everyone was looking at me. Yeah. I'm like, you're ten minutes away. It looked like you were mourning the day that your family got in a car crash. That was the last place we ate. Yeah. At that table. They were on the way to meet you. I a car crash. That was the last place we ate. Yeah. They were on the way to meet you. I'm still waiting, just staring at my phone.

Where's baby? Daddy's here. So we ran into Cornell. Yep. Sweet corn man. Yep. He's up here having a blast. And then we went down to, I don't want to spoil it, the zoo.

The zoo. We did. And we were very late because Zeke had to spoil it, the zoo. The zoo. We did. And we were very late because Zeke had to run all manner of errands. Yeah. Which was mostly, like, he was like, well, I like the pancakes at this place and the waffles at this place. So, yeah, and he walked up smoking a big old blunt. Right in front of the zoo. Uh-huh.

And you were like, kids everywhere. Yeah. My favorite part of hanging out with Durant is most times you respond to people, you just sound surprised and confused. So it would be like, Durant, do you want to get a hot dog? And you're like, who do I? Who do I? Yeah. It's like you're holding a bunch of pizza boxes and you're also on roller skates.

And the two guys move moving a window pane. Yeah, exactly. And we went to the zoo and at the zoo up here in beautiful Humboldt County, Eureka, California, there is a skywalk where you get to walk

through the canopy layer of the redwood slash sequoia forest. I'm going to go ahead and say it. Highlight of the day. Dude, it doesn't get better. It is an otherworldly experience

that is replicated in different parts of the state, but they suck compared to this one. Because you guys have all this money that cops take from drug dealers and they had to put it somewhere and they put it into the zoo. And also you walk in, Zeke didn't pay.

Because Zeke just like does this thing where he pretends he has down syndrome every now and then where he's just like this big red man he sent it to give you

a bracelet or anything and you just he's up for receipt and then he just walked past he was like I love bracelets so yeah we get in

there's otters yeah otters were ripping around splashing doing their show Baseball, you loved that I loved it Yeah, it was great And then, just a bunch of bullshit

Here's the most whimsical, fancy free otters you've ever seen And then, oh look, it's a donkey There's a donkey that's having meat strokes It's definitely sick. You're homie. What? You're homie, Frankie. Well, I'll get to Frankie.

Don't worry, bro. Yeah, the panda was just like, it was too hot to fuck with anything. Yeah. Right. Get a panda weed. It's just a tree fox. No one cares. Yeah.

And you guys what? Like, bribed Red China to get it over here. Came over in a storage crate. Just like, you know. With all the oxy. Yeah, and your concubines. So we are walking. There were some cool peccaries. Those big furry pigs.

Which, uh, I felt like they were trying to communicate with you. You think that's fair, Durant? Yeah. I gave them a two for five they pay two but all five it was crazy because they all held up

a fist you got free and I just nodded at them and I said I'm working on it I'm not free till you're all free and then we walked around the sky

up in the trees it's like being on drugs it's so special dude I'm terrified to hold that you were spazzing those what do they call those tension bridges

or whatever yeah like when you go across them then like when you stand on level ground again it still feels like it's like boat shit. That was so dope

because it looks like so many scenes in various different Star Wars properties that I'm now going to list on Chubby Boat. Go ahead. It looks like Endor. They shot Jurassic Park there too, I thought. Not in Sequoia Park, but in the county. Okay, no one cares that much.

Could have just gone with it the relatives of those trees yeah the first Jurassic Park was shot at Oysterfest actually yeah

it was just Zeke like you got a glass of water in there yeah the cocktail sauce was shaking oh no Zeke's here no that's the Lost World with Jeff Goldblum at the end.

The T-Rex running through the town. Yeah. Zeke was like, your dad reminds me of Jeff Goldblum. But, yeah, that was awesome. I love it. The last few times I've been here, I've been in that fucking skywalk, and it's sick. That's really great. If you come up to Humboldt County, of course, first stop, Don's Donuts.

Get a drink at the Alibi. Come down to Savage Henry Comedy Club. Ask for Durant. All right? If he says Farmer John is here instead, you know. Yeah. All right? You know that he doesn't want to pay.

So, yeah. But come to Savage Henry Comedy Club. It's great. And then you got it the next day. Go to the fucking zoo. It's 78 bucks to get in. If you're a local, it's 63. Apparently this game is to say that you live in Red Bluff and your name's Baseball.

I literally just like, I have receipts of me living here. Yeah. She asked if I was a local and I had in my hand my credit card and also my Colorado driver's license. And I was like, yes, I live here. And then Durant's like, uh, hold on. And then nothing happened. You got a discount. Yeah, that was weird.

Yeah, and then my dad's like, I'm old. And I was like, okay, cool, I'll pay. And then, yeah, so we did that. And then the petting zoo. Oh, the petting zoo, yeah. The petting zoo, dog. I'll pay. And then, yeah, so we did that. And then the petting zoo. Oh, the petting zoo, yeah. The petting zoo, dog. Where we made a lifelong friend. You did, for sure.

Okay, do you want to talk about this baseball? Because I got there, and there was me, and there was two, like, eight-year-old boys. And I walk up, and this pig is just losing its mind he's making the craziest noises I've ever heard a pig make he's got a face like Ryan Dunn now

you know like that's that's what the pig looked like exactly like Princess Diana right now

yeah exactly the ugliest pig I've ever seen it's honking and squeaking and garbling and goofing. And I walk up and I'm just like laughing my ass off with these little boys. We keep looking at each other

like, I know it's the greatest guys. And then baseball walks up and he's like, this pig sucks. It's like, what the fuck, dude? What do you mean the pig sucks? That's why he's hosting. Yeah. I don't like pigs.

What are you having in pig? The noises, the noises are just unbearable. Huh. Show, imitate some for us. I don't, that's not what I do. I don't do pig noises. Yeah. Well, we'll see.

I'll make you squeal, boy. So yeah, dude dude the pig was amazing you got footage of me just cackling at the pig I'll send it to you send it to me we'll put it on the Patreon or we'll just put it on

the Shaggy Behemoth Instagram but yeah that pig really and I said his name was Fulton that was my guess turned out his name was Frankie

but you know he's named after what he's going to become. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah. He's going to hide in the attic. Did you hear the zookeeper lady said that when he gets honorary that his name is Franklin?

No. Yeah. I didn't get any cool zookeeper gossip, all right? Because they kept, the zookeepers kept giving you their card, and they were like, hey, if you need a place to live... I heard you're crashing above the club, but if you want to come in here and make some money... If you want some fresh grass every day.

I would seriously take a second to entertain you. Do you like alfalfa? Yeah. You could eat a whole pumpkin every day at 3 o'clock. But the thing is, people will watch you. So I'm out. Oh, yeah, because you hate when people watch you eat. They don't watch me.

I don't know. I've seen you eat. Yeah, I do eat. Yeah. And it's not a spectacle, either. I don't know what you're ashamed of. No, but this thing it is now. That's in your head.

Yeah. Is it when there's syrup and shit just dripping off my fucking mustache? No, it's not in my head. I literally have a joke where I talk about you and me eating ice cream cones with whore's toad. And it just fucking looks like a bukkake on my face. Fucking gross. Yeah, that is too much, Robbie. My word.

I remember back in the day doing those runs we would do, and I would wake up, and you would have a Pabst in your hand, and then you'd go drive the van around all day, and by the end of the day, there'd be like 30 empty Pabst cans at your feet, just crushing the most Pabst I've ever seen while driving us through the fucking mountains and the woods. Yeah. Brad and I have had conversations about our alcoholism.

We're talking about how, like, you get to a point when you drink especially, like, shit beer, like, Pabst, all of that, but you get to the point where it doesn't taste like beer anymore. It tastes like, just like seltzer with a little bit of sugar in it. And that's when you know you gotta take, like, a fucking month off or whatever.

Yeah. That's my cycle. Do that shit. One time I was coming back from a run. I was solo. I. That's my cycle. Yeah. Dude, that shit. One time I was coming back from a run up solo and I was doing a 299 and I was hitting it really hard that day. Now what's really hard for you?

65 beers? I was probably more than 20 and driving on 299 that night. Yeah. And I got pulled over and I said, well, this is it Durant.

You knew it was a matter of time type of thing. I got out and the guys, the two cops come up and told them I was just doing the mag run and everything. Told me to get out, didn't do any sober stuff yet. The other guy went and like, where are you coming from?

I'm like, I'm doing these magazines, and he opened the side door, and like, hell of an empty spell. Oh yeah, I was in San Francisco with comics at the beach yesterday, I should have thrown those away. He's like, no problem. And then he looked at everything, he's like, alright, I was shit hammered. He's like sir

we're not even mad about the drinking it's just that you escaped from the zoo. No but they fucking I said alright I'll pick

these back up when they let me go. No we got it. So the cops put the empties back in my fucking car for me. Why didn't they

do anything? Maybe they're fans of the magazine. Because they were probably big fans of the mag.

The mag that definitely backs the blue. Yeah. You guys love fans of the magazine. They were probably big fans of the mag. The mag that definitely backs the blue. Yeah. You guys love that thin blue line. That's why we got that thing spray

painted on our window. What was that? During one of the marches we got racist comedy not funny. Oh really?

Yeah. Well yeah. Only two buildings that got spray painted were the Republican headquarters and us. Well that was

after Paul Danky's weekend. So that adds up. I actually have Paul Denke on Wednesday at Slice Pizzeria. Yeah, hey, if you're listening. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I.

Okay. You got him on, like, Saturday or something. Yeah. I'll work that out off my. Yeah. Where is he supposed to be on Wednesday? Well We have another weekend before his weekend here So if he's already going up there Wednesday He's doing some Portland stuff

Nevermind sorry That's a little inside baseball Robbie Have you seen that? It's a movie What? Take it away, buddy. Sure, sure. Whoa!

I actually thought I fucked up with Ariel's pronouns. Yeah. Because I said she, and then right away I was like, oh, I think I might have fucked up. Yeah. And then I played it cool. I didn't, you know. Right.

And then on stage you said, you said, she, her. And I was like... Well, it wasn't so much that you said she. You said this next hot piece of ass is going to come. Oh, is that what I said? Oh, right. Imagine Baseball Robbie. Yeah, just like me.

Your next comic's a lady. This slice of gash is coming up right now. Look at this rip. The Gunny Two-Shoes of the scene. Oh, he's a sweet man. Yeah, I'm infinitely charmed by baseball Rob. He's done nothing wrong.

No, but Ariel, we were watching the Otters today. She's having like the day of her life. Yeah. And then she's like, look at that.

All three of my girlfriends texted me at the same time and I wanted to fucking hold her head underwater in the Otter Tank. She showed me pictures of all three of these ladies and they're like gorgeous stunning they're all different types of women i met her yesterday and she was like oh i'm sorry i'm texting this woman that i just fell in love with yeah and i was like oh cool and then she was like do you want to see a picture and i was like i guess sure

yeah then she showed me a picture. Was it the nail salon lady? I don't know. She didn't mention the occupation. She was a long black hair, maybe of Asian descent. Maybe, huh? Yeah. Okay, yeah.

That was the nail salon lady. Well, that seems racist. I know. That's what I said to Ariel. She's a hoot and a holler. She couldn't be here because she had to go on I know. Yeah. That's what I said to Ariel. She's a hoot and a holler. She couldn't be here because she had to go on a run. Yeah. Yeah.

Physical run? Yeah. She's very healthy. She had to go on a delivery. No, she's running around. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She's running around.

Yeah, she's using her joints to propel herself. Yeah. Grips. I'm too old. There's kids today doing this crazy shit. I know. There are video games that you can run in. Yeah.

So you don't even have to leave. By the way, I got the Switch, guys. Yeah? It's crazy I'm getting anything done whatsoever. I'm so pissed at this fucking Switch. What are you playing? Zelda. Oh, Breath of the Wild?

yes oh it's the best it's transcendent yeah it's incredible it's like a work of art they're making a sequel that's coming out soon

yeah I know that's what everyone said they were like well you got Zelda don't you want to wait like we did for the sequel

and meanwhile I'm like shut up I'm gaming in here just leave the fucking Quiznos at the door yeah dude and then we went to the fair yep that's not over yet no I'm gaming in here. Just leave the fucking Quiznos at the door. Yeah, dude. And then we went to the fair.

Yep, that's not over yet. No. Yeah. The fair was just more... I didn't go to the fair. You didn't go to the fair. No, I did not. Because you were having an affair. No.

Yes, you were. Listen, it wouldn't be an affair if that happened. Yeah. But that's not what happened. Why did you say, dudes, this totally happened? We came in and you were cleaning your balls in the sink. I know. It was weird.

I can't get the stink of her off me. The weird thing part is I was on Facebook Live, though. That was a different thing. Right. And he was saying all this stuff. Yeah. I was saying all of those words. That's my new thing, is to say a bunch of horrible shit.

And then be like, that's what he said! I would never say that! That's a pretty good bit. So yeah, I went to the fair. You didn't really miss too much at the fair, besides ZCAT. Yeah, I've been to fairs. I know what local county fairs are. TI is playing our fair soon.

What? Yeah, TI's coming up. Yeah, TI was not at this fair. TI, and then also Casey and the Sunshine coming up. Yeah, T.I. was not at this fair. Yeah. In fact, he came in. And also Casey and the Sunshine Band together. Yeah. Well, no. Different nights.

Oh. They do like a big guest every night, and there's like four nights of the fair. Uh-huh. Oh, there is? There's a country act I've never heard of, but probably. Garth Brooks? Nope. No?

I don't think he's fair down to fair level yet well yeah but some fairs like he'll do the Cheyenne Frontier Days oh really and that's like the big one he does like a week

at Cheyenne Frontier Days alright Garth Brooks unironically Garth Brooks is very fun I only like Chris Gaines so you woke up to say that

you're on your phone over there. Hey, we're about to open here. Hey, we're about to open here. I don't know why I got Brooklyn on it. Do Mark Wahlberg again. It's not Mark Wahlberg. It's baseball Robbie trying to stop Mark Wahlberg from beating a man with a bat.

Hey, Mark, stop it. Mark, put the bat down, Mark! That was a toothless widower. Yeah, the fare was fine. Zeke had meal 7 through 12. He got mad that I didn't... Did he give an elephant ear? No.

No, no. A funnel cake? No, but they did put... A churro. No. They took his ear off and put it in the fryer. Yeah. They put a chip in his ear. Yeah, it in the fryer. Yeah. They put a chip in his ear.

Yeah, they put an ear of it in his ear. Yeah. Yeah, so let's talk about that. We went, there was a bunch of cows and stuff.

Yeah. Yep. Felt like he was at work. Right. Yeah, I did. I saw people that I had paid for.

He called them jerks. He called them jerks. Some clients are jerks. Are you a veterinarian? I manage veterinarians. Okay. He's like a veterinarian pimp. Whoa.

He throws horses. Yeah. There was a doctor, two doctors here last night, actually, at the show. Who? The gentleman from Mexico City, one of them,

and then a doctor from Sacramento area. She's just working for me. That's the Mexico City, one of them. And then a doctor from Sacramento area. She's just working for me. That's the Mexico City of California. Sure. Cultural hub. Yeah, absolutely. Sacramento, yes. That's where you're from. Okay. I forgot.

You just pissed off the whole Sacramento crew that comes to your comedy show. I don't think so. They're the ones that talk about me the most. Johnny Taylor Jr. is going to come and beat the shit out of you. He wants to do that anyway. Keith Olgenton is going to have your ass. I don't believe in God anymore. Oh, no.

But you ordered a plate of Hawaiian noodles. I had the same Hawaiian noodles. They were fine. Nothing special. I was very hungry. I had the same Hawaiian noodles. They were fine. Nothing special. I was very hungry. I was famished. There were a lot. You, before you had the Hawaiian noodles, had an entire turkey

leg. Yeah, like the big kind. And you didn't offer anyone else a bite? Nope, that was my turkey leg. We're still COVID times. Not up here, brother. The war is over. COVID skipped Humboldt County. So you munched a whole leg.

You had some bones. That brave veteran watched you eat it. You inspired him to go get nachos. He's just like, fuck this. I've got to get some nachos. He was like, that looks really good. And then he came back with the worst nachos I've ever seen. I think they probably have more over there, brother.

So you were not going to finish your noodles because you were not into it. No, no. And what did you do with them? I threw them away. And how did Zeke take that? He was unhappy. He was mad at you. Yeah, he was mad.

He was like, I'm standing right here. He was just going to throw away the noodles without... Right. he was just going to throw away the noodles right and when he said that he was holding an elote in his hand in like an 85 ounce lemonade and standing in a line

waiting for more food and cotton candy under his arm maybe he like grew up in Africa or something I don't know he grew up in McKinleyville you do know where he grew up. You do know where he's from.

I know, but he's like Sally Struthers in his stored food. Don't wait for me to say. Killer reference. He's also 120 years old. Yeah, tropical. Durant, we've been blasting you,

but go ahead and tell people plug everything. All right, the easiest thing is the website, savagehenrycomedy.com has all the shows. Durant we've been blasting you but go ahead and tell people plug everything alright well the easiest thing is the website savagehenrycomedy.com has all the shows

you can actually look at all the old issues on there too information on the festival October 6th to the 8th which is a great

festival yeah if you're a comedy fan you should come up here Ben Roy's coming up here Pepitone

Derek Sheen Ron Lynch yeah it's a really culturally diverse lineup Pepitone. Pepitone. Derek Sheen. Ron Lynch. Yeah. Really culturally diverse lineup. I'm sorry. You got tall whites.

You got old whites. I'm very conscious of that appearance. The only whites on the comedy festival in America. That is not the case. Yeah yeah there's a lot of them I've tried real hard to get Durant to book PSAs but it just doesn't

oh where's your parade wow this is a virtue signal so yeah the website best place to get everything it's a great great club man

you get Canaan up here you get Pepitone up here. You get some good comics up here. You're a hoot. You're a hauler. I love you dearly. You've always been real sweet to me. And my father.

You brought my dad up here. My mom. This is like one of the last trips she ever made before you had her killed. Baseball. Yeah. Yeah. Tell them anything you want them to know. Every Saturday I host a local showcase called Farm to Table.

Okay, baseball. Think a little bit bigger. This is a worldwide podcast. Worldwide? Yeah. Hey, I host a show in the 17th largest city in California. I don't think we're that high, Ed. Oh, man.

I just say, go get them. Go get them, everyone. He's got an Instagram, baseballrobby. Oh, yeah, find me on Instagram. You're going to be my 121st friend. And not friends. And followers. Followers, you know. And not friends. And followers. Go get them.

That should be the button, but Seth's... Follow that. Take him out to the ballgame. Kids. Seth Mills on Instagram and Twitter M-I-L-S because that's how my name's spelled yeah

have I put two L's in your name before or something? no that's how my name's spelled you're just one of the three people I'm having a conversation with and then if you're ever in the Eugene area, go to Eugene Comedy Scene on Facebook,

and there's always updates of shows that are happening. I'll be up there in Eugene next year. We'll figure that out. Never go back to Salem. We're going to do a Just Comedy show. Yeah, check out Just Comedy on Twitter, Just Comedy EUG. We do a lot of big shows.

We have Eddie Pepitone is going to be doing... You just snake everyone who comes to the club up here. We work together. Chris and I have developed a circuit. Well, thanks for working together on my night on Thursday. Listen, I got into the room and asked you. You hit me up and asked me

for a room and then I said, hey, I got you a room and you said, oh, you already took the show with us. Because you hit me up how many months after I hit you up initially? You hit me up four months before the date was and I got back to you a month later. Which I thought was a pretty reasonable stretch of time. No, no, no. Sam T

works on dollar bill time. You literally said that. I know it's early, just planting a seed and I was like, okay, I'll get this locked out. I was testing your loyalty. No, we will lock you down as soon as possible next time. Lock me down, lock me up. Hey, so yeah, this was a bonus free episode, but if you want more episodes every week,

go to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth, get a free ep, and then get the bonus ep off of there. Two eps a week. These guys listen to the Patreon. They love it. We have a lot ep off of there. Two eps a week. These guys listen to the Patreon. They love it. We have a lot of fun over there. And then where else? I am going to New York next week. I'll be out there doing some poppin' shows at the stand.

Some of your bigger podcasts. And then, let me pull up my calendar real quick. Baseball, vamp! Well. Another slam dunk from baseball. Oh, my good friend Trevor Lockwood just showed up. All right, nice try. Oh, yeah, hey.

Lincoln, Nebraska. I'm opening up for Tommy Lee at Epley Air Force Base. Tommy Lee from Motley Crue. Are you really? Yes. Wow. I don't know. I have no idea.

Some guy hit me up and he was like this is going to sound weird and I was like you're right about that so July 9th FLE Air Force Base come out and see me it's open to the public the 23rd I'm in Basalt, Colorado if you're a mountain hog the 28th I'm in Denver at number 38

the 29th and 30th I'm at Steamboat Comedy at Schmiggety's in Steamboat, Colorado. A bunch of dates coming up. Louisville, West Virginia, Alaska, I'm coming up there to see you pigs again. SamTalent.com has all the dates.

We love you. We appreciate you. Have a great time. Laughter Laughter