Chubby Behemoth - Good Whoopsie

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

Brett Hiker. Emancipate your taint. We're being fair again.                       Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Cool butt! Great train! So, should we start this thing? Yeah, I guess we're not going to use that gold. Oh, I didn't know you were doing funny bits. You knew. When you were like, so your brain can trick your body into not eating. Great content, stupid. Yeah, let's do a hard open like you like.

Let's take a soft penis like you like. Yeah, why are you hard right now? I just ate some vegan banana bread Now I'm trying to get some vegan banana head You know what I'm saying Down here Hey everybody it's us And now you're ready For the chubby behemoth

From North Carolina State Standing 6 foot", 399 pounds, it's a... Tail it! I stubbed my toe! The crowd goes mild as you act out stubbing your toe on nothing. Owie! I did stub my toe yesterday and I screamed at Gordy as if it was his fault. Blame the dog.

Always blaming the dog, dude. That dog is... Was he right underfoot? No. No. Oh, okay. So he was not involved at all. Mm-mm.

He was in his quarters. Still caught the heat for it? Yeah, of course. Fucking Gordy. I was looking at you instead of where my feet should go. Gordy, quit leaving your Nat Geos all over That's what he jerks do So yeah

Should we start this thing? God Alright Sam's figured out His angle For the episode Let's welcome Brett Hiker

At some point Into the madness I don't like when Podcasts welcome their guests I just want them To get in there Shut up Yeah And then people can do like vocal recognition to figure out who he is. Pandora? Yeah. Is your voice on Pandora? Pandora for people's voices. That

sounds like a good idea. So guys, welcome to this initial episode of Chubby Behemoth. And look, we've only had one guest so far. And it was the legend, the iconoclast, the black Arsenio Hall, Doug Stanhope. Yeah. And now we're following it up. Because he recommended me, right? He did, yes. We're doing like TIG's Twitter. It's word, you know, it's

who should we have next? And Stanhope goes, have you heard of the myth from the hills known as Brett Hiker, the hike man? I've never had Tig's Twitter, and it's the biggest affront to my success. You still care? I mean, what, Aaron Naylor gets it six times? He's great.

Sammy Arashar has it every weekend. They're both very funny. Sure, but I'm the best. Eh, not at Twitter. No, not at Twitter, because I'm too busy fucking, I'm just following a bunch of handicappers on there. Yeah. Yeah. Too busy stubbing your toe.

I am. I'm handicapped now. I need to get a rascal scooter, man. That's the answer. Leave all you motherfuckers in the dirt. You better have some horsepower on that thing. You're 299. I wish.

I'm trying to bulk up. I did lose 70 pounds last year, and then I went to the doctor, and she was like, my God. And I was like, no, this is a success. I've come a long way. I walked in here on sunshine. Light as a feather. I was ready to brag. And stiff as a board.

You were probably too messy. She was a hot bitch. This doctor of mine, smoking hot cow. Nice. But she was app hot bitch. This doctor of mine? Smoking hot cow. Nice. But she was appalled at the first sight of you? Yeah, I walked in and she went, oof. She stubbed her toe.

Do you bring a picture of yourself from a year later? Like, wait, wait, before you judge me, this was me a year ago. I did. It's a full body nude. Peep this train wreck, mama. Look at what I was working with. Yeah, she didn't weigh me, but she did weigh my tits. She got a mammogram?

She got my boob on the scale. Just like ninth grade science class. Shout out Mr. Lose for looking the other way. 69 cents a pound. I thought I was plopping Ashley West's fat firm hooter up on there. Eight and a half pounds. There's just a mammogram machine? Oh, a scale.

No, it was a hand scale. You remember how much it weighed? Of course. That was the only science I ever did that mattered. Yeah, grams to pounds, just in your head. He's like, where'd that come from? You struggled on the quiz. You're like, I get this.

I just beautiful mind it, and all of a sudden I can say all the digits of pi. The power of your first glimpses of live boob. I love a good boob. Anyway, so we are joined. Speaking of big boobs, our guest today, his lovely girlfriend's got him. God damn. That's girlfriend's got him. God damn. That's the content people crave.

Is knowing who we know and what they're working with. That was going to be the name of this podcast, Who's Got Him? That was supposed to be the follow-up podcast. You know what phrase she hates that came from you? What? Just dump him out.

She hates dump him out. You got what phrase she hates that came from you? What? It's dump them out. Oh, yeah. She hates dump them out. Well, you gotta quit yelling it at her. Go to the grocery store. Whenever she's like complaining about like a bra or something,

just dump them out. She's like, you, Brett. I hate that. I hate that. Brett, I don't like that. My breasts don't get dumped out.

They get plopped. They are unveiled. I free these weasels. Emancipate your tates. Big pair don't care. So we have legendary Dick Swinger, bread hiker on the pod today, guys. Good friend of me.

Kind of an ally of Nathan. I don't know if I'd call them friends. A fun coincidence. We went hiking today. You guys went hiking? We spent the day together. You fucking dorks. We went on a religious hike. We went to that Caligari shrine. Was it Muslim? He walked 10 feet

behind you? It was like a geisha. I followed respectfully in the distance. Just peeling oranges and bowing? I dropped flower petals. Geisha's not a religion, you uneducated twat. It is a lifestyle. It's a culture.

I'd be a good geisha. I would. I love honoring business traditions. You love being 4'10 and inconspicuous. My feet are bound. They are. I'm wearing size 8's. I got some brand new Monarchs on the pod, y'all.

Shout out Nike, the label that pays me. Look at those bad boys. Look at those barnstormers. Yeah, you like shoes? Oh, you and Becker both like shoes. I couldn't care less. Yeah, Hiker's wearing some kind of like, their sandals made from old rubber tires, it looks like. They I couldn't care less. Yeah, hikers are wearing some kind of like, their sandals made from old rubber tires, it looks like. They're Birkenstocks.

Oh, cool. Wow, someone's doing okay. Listen, I am a proud supporter of Birkenstocks. Yeah, because of all their work with Germany in 1943. The people's shoes, Volks shoes. Birkenstock almost gets the job done.

You're part of the Birken flock. So you guys went on a hike, huh? We went to the Calibri Shrine. Mother Cabrini Shrine. That giant Jesus statue. You're thinking of the shrine to the peppers you enjoy, but no, Mother Cabrini. I thought we were going to get some giardiniera. Fresh.

Freshly jarred, but no. I'm a jarred tart. I was wearing this. I was wearing no sleeves on my t-shirt and shorts to this relatively holy place. Yeah, I felt a little weird. What's holy about it? People go up there to finger bang and smoke DMT. Do they?

Yeah, that's what we did in high school. Really? That's not what they were doing today. No. There was some silent reflection. There was a family of 12 getting their picture taken. Oh, yeah, I used to go up there and just blast Butterfly. Remember that song?

Crazy Daddy. You just look at the stars. This is the trick. You get a moonroof in your mom's Pathfinder, and you roll up to Mother, you go up to the MoFo Shrine, and you open the moonroof, and you just look up,

and you say, wow, doesn't it make you feel so small? Then you slide that third digit right up in there. You flip off her uvula. Do you do the jill in the box? What's that?

It's when a girl bangs you with the sunroof, and her head keeps coming out of the window. I don't care for this kind of humor. Yeah, it's not humor. We don't work for it.

We just keep that to urban dictionary. I don't care for this kind of humor. We don't work for this kind of humor. Keep that to urban dictionary. We don't care about the rusty trombone that you supposedly engaged in when you were in 10th grade. Yeah, the St. Pete steamer. That's where you abandon your kids in Florida. You put them on a steamship and send them back to Ireland. It's humid. It's wet. Yeah, so I'm glad you guys could go up there and take part in that ancient tradition.

Man, it's like 300 steps, and I got pretty fucked up at step 40. And I was like, I'm not going to make it. I'll just say step 75. I was like, Jesus, London. I had the mask on. I'm breathing hard. Why do you have a mask on up there? Because you were supposed to.

Yeah, there's signs everywhere. Keep your mask on, please. Grow up. And when we slow dance there? Because you were supposed to. There's signs everywhere. Keep your mask on, please. Grow up. And when we slow dance, The hoax doesn't hit over 70,000 feet. We had to stay four feet apart to allow Jesus' room to three-way dance,

which is hard to do. Three-way dancing's tough. But yeah, we... I don't know. It was cool. I hadn't been up there before. Yeah, you haven't been up 300 stairs? Big surprise.

I hadn't walked upstairs there before. Yeah, you haven't been up 300 stairs? Big surprise. I hadn't walked up stairs in a while. Yeah. I've mostly been going the way of the ramp. My mom got one of those stair lifts in her house, you know? The chair that goes up and down the stairs. Oh, sure. And it's really cool, and I'm glad, but it does take her about 17 minutes to get up and down 15 stairs.

Yeah. Yeah, and you just hear it fire up like she's starting a lawnmower. You just hear and then six minutes later she comes down double birds to God. I think of George Costanza. My baby takes the morning train. He works from nine to five and then... Sing the whole

song. That's what they want. That's as much as we can sing for free. Yeah. Seinfeld's going to sue us. After that. I'm worried about whoever... Linda Ronstadt. Is that who did that? I don't know.

No. I threw it out there. Probably not correct. Sheena Easton. No, that's not right either. I think it was Lita Ford. All right. Now we're completely off track.

This is a runaway train because she was a part of the runaways. Runaway train. That was a good attempt. Never come back. You ever accidentally have that come on while you're having sex? The video for Runaway Train? No. While I was missing kids?

I'm not 48. You were 9. You were watching Scrambled VH1 while you were losing your virginity during the Oklahoma City bombing. You old piece of shit. 95 was a crazy year. Broncos were in the bowl. That hero fucking finally did what had to be done in Oklahoma City whoa

we've been there together the site, the memorial I think we were there September 9th, 1995 we parked that truck and never looked back what's his name, Tim Heidecker? Timothy McHeidecker. Yeah, Timothy McVeigh.

He looks just, Yoka, or Nikola Jokic looks like Tim McVeigh. Yeah, you mentioned that the last time we watched the Nuggets play. Yeah. And, yeah, pretty close resemblance. They both had the same haircut 25 years apart. Both patriotic work remnants. High and tight. That classic,

it's like a headshot of Louis C.K. when he was like 25. I've seen it on t-shirts. It looks just like Timothy McVeigh. Whoa. Yeah, like real hard.

Like, people that have this shirt always go, people ask me, is that Timothy McVeigh? I'm like, no. Louis C.K. You have the shirt?

No. Danny Callis has it, I know. What circles do you hang out with in New York? You're just hanging out with a bunch of CK t-shirt heads. Callis is out of Chicago. Callis. Yeah, Callis quit stand-up.

Did he? Yeah, so he could pursue his dream of getting day drunk every day. Oh, man, that sounds great. No, Callis rules. He did retire. But yeah, we went to the monument out there in OKC. We were down there. It's heavy.

A lot of little kids were killed in the name of something. Liberation? Of destroying the Federal Reserve? Getting rid of Zog? He blew up all the gold that was the standard and brought us to where we are today.

Fun fact about the Oklahoma City bombing. This is Brett's corner, by the way. We were like, what do you want to talk about? He was like, World War II. Steer the conversation

into Timothy McVeigh. Oklahoma City bombing. Unabomber. Louis C.K. All my heroes. What do you got, hiker? So he planned on parking in the parking garage

underneath the building. So he lit the fuse in the parking garage underneath the building. So he lit the fuse in the truck and then tried to get in, and the truck was too tall. And he had to do like a 10-point Austin Powers turn to back out while the fuse was burning. And then pulled up the front and got out and ran off. Damn. So he was hilarious, too. Not just brave, but also funny.

Right? Real Buster Keaton, that Timothy McVeigh. Yeah, somehow his shoelaces were tied together as he exited the truck. Fell out, stumbled. Cut into the trash can. Yeah, he just kicked it in the air. Bunch of raccoons attack him because he's got beep jerky in his pocket. Look, I'm not joking, by the way.

I don't want to be Timothy McVeigh. I think the man was brave. Oh, yeah, you've made that known for sure. Yeah. With that chest piece that you have of him. Born to raise hell. He's feeding an eagle. He's chewing up worms and feeding an eagle on my chest. No, yeah, we were there, and we saw those tiny chairs they had

for the children who were lost in the massacre. And we were all like crying underneath that Baphomet statue. Because Oklahoma City had the Church of Satan put up a Baphomet statue across the street from the OKC monument. Yeah. Pretty metal way to mourn. There's Baphomet and then there's a big statue of Jesus crying.

Yeah. I gave it a hug. They also have a Ziggy statue for some reason. Marley? No, no, the cartoon. Really? Yeah. Oh, I thought you were kidding.

I am, you idiot! What? It's baffling. We got outside of the Oklahoma City bombing. Brett's like, well, after bafflement, it's like, the standard is low. It's like, if you put in the permit and you've got the $35, you can put a statue downtown in an OKC. Now I want to, like, go to, like, the World Trade Center, Ground Zero, and put up a statue of Marmaduke. Just really.

Lighten the mood. Yeah, I want to go to Auschwitz and put up a Kathy statue. Ack! Ack! Ack! They were saying ack a lot, that's for sure. A lot of their last words were ack as the gas filled their lungs.

Jesus! You're the one who brought it up! You did! You gave us talking points. Ack! Before you say anything, you're like, what could this be a jumping off point to? Brett, you're the full guy. You gave us talking points. Before you say anything, you're like, what could this be a jumping off point to? Right, you're the fall guy, for sure.

So yeah, Hiker's here, man, and we couldn't be more grateful to have a comedy legend on the pod. Lund came out parking my car like a smooth criminal right in front, and Lund came up and he's like, I news hikers here and i was like hikers cool let's get him on the pod don't look now but hikers here and he demands to be on the podcast yeah well i knew he was here all those birds were landing on his giant dick you got a good one what you don't know this the ledge i know i thought you were just putting it out there earlier as a joke. Like, oh yeah, he's got one. No, his reputation precedes him by about 12 inches. Killer hog? I don't think I knew that. Hiker used to pay the rent.

That was the move. What? Just showing it to rich guys. Yeah, people would pay 10 bucks to take a picture with it. I must paint it. He'd put it in one of those penny flattening machines. Putting gum in the gumball. Better than letting the train run over it.

Yeah, the train to Ushua. So, Hiker, you... Jesus Christ. What? You're loving it. No, I'm loving it. I'm a bad boy. I'm not a bad boy.

What, you think what happened out there was good? It is bad. I'm a bad boy. You're a bad boy who is, you think what happened out there was good? It is bad. I'm a bad boy. You're a bad boy who is loving the edgy lifestyle. I'm an artist who takes risks. Perfect. That's what I'm looking for in a compadre.

Oh yeah, sorry, you want to talk about Elizabeth Warren, you pussy? Lund's a big Buttigieg guy. Speaking of taking fun pictures at memorials, he got in trouble for that He took pictures at some type of memorial

I can't remember which one There we go, you heard it here first Welcome to NPR I'm barely alive This is uninformed NPR Some homo took a photo or something. Now here's Jeff with the Dow. The Dow is down.

So yeah, but hikers got one. You didn't know this? I didn't. That's his biggest credit. That's better than most festivals festivals is having a decent hog i remember when we did the uh the debate show i was debating a local female comedian who tried to read me the right act but she happened to be dressed as a superheroine and she had her uh you know her her mams were pressed up and my opening rebuttal was hey keep it going for blank and her two biggest credits

and everyone was like, yeah! People, like, fell through the ceiling. SWAT team was there. We're going to shut this down. You've been Sam, T, Sam, Sam, Sam. What were you going to say about your penis? I was going to steer the conversation back to Oklahoma City. Okay.

You were going to steer with your dick. Hands-free driving. I don't want to talk about my dick. Where were you on 9-11? Dude, that's a fun story. Hey, nailed it. You've got to keep rooting around for the truffles. Speaking of my dick and tragedies, I lost my virginity the week of 9-11.

Damn. Wait, before or after, though? It was a Tuesday. After, yeah. my virginity the week of 9-11. Ah, damn. Wait, before or after, though? It was a Tuesday. After, yeah. It was that Friday. Damn. That Friday or Saturday. You took advantage of a nation in mourning.

Yeah. Mourning would. Yeah, there was a Muslim girl, and you were like, I'll protect you. Jake's right. It was like the second week of college. I was in the dorms And finally made good On that 18 year goal

Damn, you were 18 in your sophomore year of college? No It was my second week of college Oh nice Second week of college We talked about high school, we both banged in high school I'm surprised you didn't bang in high school I tried so hard

There were like 15 people at your high school. We both banged in high school. I'm surprised you didn't bang in high school. I tried so hard. There were like 15 people at your high school. And that girl who banged Kobe was there. That seems like a lock. Oh, shit. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. You struck out with the sure thing of the town? She wasn't at all.

She got such a bad rap when that happened. They were just like, oh, she was the town? She wasn't at all. She got such a bad rap when that happened. They were just like, oh, she was the town slut. And I was like, what? No, she wasn't. She was a hero. That's not fun.

That's nutty stuff. So you lost yours during 9-11. Right between, right after the first tower fell. The first commercial break. What do we do now now Brett's already hard

I've got this cool wang this tower's about falling how about tower seven and a half it's not at half mast and you lost yours Black Friday when the stock market crashed yeah Becker was Waco at half mast. And you lost yours Black Friday when the stock market crashed. Becker was Waco.

I lost mine during the Boston Marathon bye. Not that long ago. Right? Yeah, I had a real pressure cooker. It was filled

with ball bearings. That's what they did, right? I know a real pressure cooker. It was filled with ball bearings. That's what they did, right? I know. Oh, right. Getting it right. Get it right on the pod. So, Hiker, you're loving the pod, you said, right? Oh, yeah.

I like it a lot. And you've been doing all the bits for your wife's or your girlfriend's coworkers co-workers doing the barbicide thing they cut hair they thought it was very funny they are now what's the term i don't know i asked him this too because like uh because i was like the joke was what do you call a barber who when a barber kills someone it's barbicide and i was like but that kind of gives the punchline away like what else what's another name for a hairstylist and a girlfriend who's been doing it for 20 years. I don't know. What does she call herself?

A beauty expert? Does hair. A cocoon remover? Does hair. Huh. I do hair. I'm a hair person. I mean, on set, the hair department is just called hair.

You have a lot of moving parts on a set. There's money being burned with every waking moment, so you don't have time to call someone from the hair styling department over and say hair now H grip Hiker is the Hollywood elite we forgot to tell everyone that

that's his main thing other than the hog that's how he got the job that was your resume Brian Singer was like let's see it let me see the second page on this hog you're not supposed to have two pages on a resume, but this is impressive as hell. So yeah, other than having a cool dick, you also have worked on a bunch of sets of movies. Clifford the Big Red Dog, the movie, coming out shortly.

What are you more ashamed of, having this giant dick or working on that train movie starring T.J. Miller? I didn't work on that one. Oh, you told everyone you did. No, no. Yeah, you were kind of eating lunch off that story for years. I have a lot of shame

for Terminator Salvation, which I, like, talked up. I was like, this is going to be the coolest movie ever. Well, to be fair, you did write the screenplay. They took a chance on you.

They took a chance, and you did, I think, way too much slow motion John Woo, Bird. It was just a chance on you. They took a chance, and you did, I think, way too much slow motion John Woo bird. It was just a complete ripoff of all of John Woo's stylistic points. What was the name of that movie, Love Don't Cost a Thing? That is a movie. No, the one, the John Woo film. Where there's, like, fighting in the rain.

Hard Boiled? Yeah, Hard Boiled. Love Don't Cost a a thing I couldn't remember it's either hard boiled or fool's Russian I can't remember well I didn't want to bring up breakfast

but yeah hard boiled so yeah hiker is a what's the term I mean technically I'm an electrician I see wow

but then people think they ask me to do turn the lights on Brett we're ready to roll people will ask me to help them like wire their house I'm like I really, they ask me to do... Turn the lights on, Brett. We're ready to roll. People will ask me to help wire their house. I'm like, I really don't know how to do that. I'm a set electrician.

So I just say grip, which is technically the other half of the lighting department. Wow. This is Brett's corner, guys. We're really learning the vocab. And you've done like... We have a lot of people out there who want to be grips or electricians listening to this pod. Grip it and rip it. It's a great thing to add to the resume. resume yeah and anyone can really do your job right it's

very unskilled labor uh yeah pretty much there's no no degree required wow yeah you you uh country in the world you helped us immensely during one of our too much funstables you you were working on a big movie and gave us like 300 bucks. I had won a pot on Fridays on set everyone, they did a thing called the $5 bucket where everyone writes their name on a $5 bill and throws it in a pot and you can enter as many times as you want and if you have a better job

you're supposed to write your name on a bigger bill and then you throw it all in a bucket and at the end of the day it's drawn and the winner takes the bucket. But then other stuff too, like producers and actors will try to like they'll get in a dick swinging contest of like, oh, whatever the winner takes the bucket. But then other stuff, too, like producers and actors will try to, like, they'll get in a dick-swinging contest of, like, oh, whatever the pot is, I'll double it. And then someone will be like, I'll double that.

And, like, I've seen them get to be, like, easily $3,000. And I've heard legends of on one of the Matrix sequels, it got, like, $20,000. That was a Katzenberg situation, right? Oh, what's that? Katzenberg? I thought he produced that film. Oh, I have no idea. I don't know anything about movies. So, anyway, you... Who's Katzenberg situation. What's that? Katzenberg. I thought he produced that film. Oh, I have no idea.

I don't know anything about movies. Who's Katzenberg? Just a made-up guy? I think that guy who owns that deli. So I won one of those on, was it Ninja Turtles? Yeah, it was. It was Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles. That seminal film, that coming-of-age tale.

Decker has bad memories. Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles. Yeah, yeah. That seminal film, that coming-of-age tale. Yeah. And, uh... Yeah. Becker has bad memories. Becker's face. And I donated half the money to, uh... To too much fun. Not all the money. Okay, well...

Yeah. Hey. Yeah, no... So, yeah, a lot of blockbusters, and then, uh... What about, like... TV shows? TV shows.

Didn't you do the voices on Fightful Goes West? Only they said it was too anti-Semitic. You're like, I'm just a mouse over here. I was one of the urban kids in Sister Act 2. Hey, water! I could come for you! Yeah, I do mostly TV now

because New York's a TV town, not a movie town. I do a lot of bad TV. A lot of stuff that if like, if it doesn't make it on IMDb, I don't like. You can always, like, send them and be like, oh, you're missing this, and they'll add it a couple weeks later. And there's a lot of stuff that's missing that I'm like, I don't care. I don't care if people know that I worked on God Friended Me, Blind Spot. You worked on God Friended Me? Yeah, that was my last job right before the pandemic hit. Dude, I love that show.

You do not. Is God cool? Was he cool on set? Yeah. Is he hanging out? Did he match the pot? Godfrey. I will cure all cancer.

The last set that I was on, people got mad at me because on Friday I put a $100 bill in a pot of chili. People were mad. They were like, you ruined the chili. I heard a story of like, like I said, if you're like a. People were mad. They're like, you ruined the chili.

I heard a story of like, like I said, if you're like a big deal, you're supposed to like, you know, if you're like the gaffer, you write your name on a 20 or whatnot,

but like I heard a story. Yeah, a big deal, like gaffers. If you're the best boy, you gotta put a 50 in there. And also, if you're a big deal,

you just write like a department you think deserves it, you know, because you don't need to like, if you're an actor or whatnot. But I heard a story that on the set of True Lies, Arnold won the pot on a $5 bill that he wrote his own name on.

He kept the money? He kept the money, yeah. What? But it was just oblivious. He literally opened a wallet that was already packed with money and was grabbing more money and stuffing it in there. This is so wonderful. Just eating it.

This is so fun. Just bulking up. Eating lots of money. Everyone's just staring at him all pissed. I have made good whoopsie. This money will buy much chocolate. Solid Schwartzenegger. I am on the Schwartznagger.

Guy who's never heard him before. He was the guy in the E Street Band, right? So Hiker, you work on SVU, right? Because a lot of the stories on that show are based on your life. You have When the writers get stuck they're like

what did you do this weekend? You've murdered several children and sent their body parts to the five boroughs. So you've ever bang any kids?

Jesus. The books won't tell. No. No. so you've ever bang any kids Jesus the books won't tell but no no no you have to say it that makes me think

the lady doc protests too much well I've been talking about it lately because banging kids no no no

in Iowa my only two friends are Alicia's next door neighbors and they're six and three and like whenever I talk about my podcast,

which I know it's coming up, everyone assumes me, or accuses me of, are you fucking these kids? And I'm like, no! No, what? Well, to be fair, you haven't done any podcasts. So I think you're trying to control the narrative. You're just screaming about these kids from the park. We have a very kind of Dennis the Menace, Mr. Wilson relationship

in that they're, like, they're always playing in the yard. Anytime I come home, they're like, Brett, Brad, we got to show you this. Or whatnot. But I spend a lot of time, too, just pretending I'm not home as they knock on the door. Yeah. Yeah, so. You just throw a handful of fireworks out the window? I spend a fair amount of time with them.

Whenever you're doing yard work, they just come follow you around and talk to you. How did you meet these kids? Were you leaning on a fence post and eating an apple with a knife? Working on a car with an engine with the hood up. With a switchblade out, cutting into a green apple. Remember that movie?

That's all I remember from that movie. It's actually, that's a great villain. Christopher Lloyd in Dead is the Menace, yeah. Also the knife, eating an apple with a knife is a great... It's a sick move. Yeah, it is. I've been trying to get into more handheld knife fruit. Yeah?

And there's not as many out there as you think. It's just a good thing to have a character in the corner doing it. Just kind of like, if you want to make some atmosphere for a bar. You peel a banana with a knife. It's like, why don't you just use your hand? Shut up! They're already dead. We've got to rob this train. So you're hanging out with kids?

I hang out with kids. Six and three. No thanks. Ugh. What are you just like asking them what colors are or whatever? What's your favorite?

I mean for the most part they do all the talking. They just kind of interview me constantly. They keep blowing your mind? You're like whoa! Dogs are girls. They love to make us fake food. They'll just take leaves and put flowers in them and be like, it's a taco, and it's pizza, and stuff like that.

But they'll literally pile 20 on the porch if we don't answer the door, which made it great. Because when the derecho hit and all the limbs fell into our yard, and I walked outside and they were there, and I was like, is this one of your food things? Did you guys do this? You take your belt off and snap it? Give me your father! They started crying. Your pants fall down.

Yeah. You got big old shorts on. Your giant dick hits the desk. This is you! This is your future! Swing it around. Who wants to jump rope? Oh yeah, we should. Too bad these kids aren't six and nine.

We should say that Brett was in Iowa during that derecho, which is a land hurricane. It was category four. Which sounds made up. Sounds like something out of a fucking graphic novel. I had never heard of it, neither had most of Iowa. I haven't heard about any of this, but I don't follow Breaking Iowa news. The Quad Cities were underwater.

Holy shit, what did Donnie Townsend do? He had water wings on, like always. He was floating around on a piece of cardboard. Just bathtub and one oar. Just swimming around. We're in on the water. Singing spirituals.

So I'm sorry that happened to you, man. It sounds so scary. Did it derate you? Nah. No, dude, it was nuts. It was like literally just houses left and right were just smashed by giant old trees. Damn. Yeah.

Did you break into the houses and steal their stuff? No. That's what I would have done. Yeah. Come out of there with a couple of canoes, some Confederate currency. You're like the reverse Sean Penn

during Katrina. Wait, what do you mean? What was he doing? Remember he went down there with a helicopter and a boat and he was saving people? No. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. Well, good for him. That's the fact from my other podcast, Pennywise. There's Yeah. Well, good for him. That's the fact from my other podcast, Pennywise. There's a bunch of facts about Sean Penn.

Pennstation. Next stop. Pen to paper. That's my fan fiction. So, we've all been friends before. We were once friends.

Yep. More recently, bitter rivals. Yeah. More recently, bitter rivals. Yeah. Hiker, do you have anything funny to say? Do I ever? Anything of worth? Yeah.

Before we kick you out of here? He literally begged to be on this podcast. He's like, I got stories off the Yazoo. Just hanging outside like the recording studio. Hey, guys, what are you doing? Yeah, you're fucking putting leaf tacos on the studio. Yeah, you're the six-year-old. Yeah, and I'm the nine-year-old. Yeah, and I'm the

brains of the outfit. No, I have no great stories lately. It's a... Blowing into a jug over in Iowa. This pandemic, yep. I literally, every day as I

get high, I work out, and then I call today about one o'clock, and I'm like, all right, that's enough. Start drinking. How has Mariska Hargitay been taking lockdown i don't know how's she been handling it oh i thought i figured you

were lighting her no no uh i figured you guys kept in touch after svu she's got him yeah is it her that her and maloney is it true that they uh have been canoodling on set i have not no knowledge of that maloney hasn't been on set in a decade. Well, a certain crime-fighting duo. Let's get to that. Let's get to page six and three. Blind items. You know what we should do? We should do deaf items.

Here's a deaf guy trying to tell you rumors and gossip. We could learn sign language for the pop. Welcome to Deaf Corner. And then we just have to gesture. I have a bunch of blind friends, and they love to make fun of deaf people. I have a bunch of deaf friends, and I'm offended. Well, your deaf friends are uppity, according to these blinds. Here's a blind person.

Oh, where's that giant hole in the ground? Oh, I'll find it with my feet. Yow! They sound like... hole in the ground. Oh, I'll find it with my feet. That's them falling down a hole. You guys ever seen a blind person eat? No. Holy shit. Why are you watching them eat?

Because someone has to make sure they get it in the right hole. Make sure they don't eat fire. Dude, so we have, you know, my blind friend eileen yeah sweet g sweet g the rapping granny she's like 56 does she rap she raps yeah sweet g and the gang she has a bunch of albums she's got bars she does it's anti-bars she's yeah she's usually out there on cloud yay she's bar-tarded but But she's blind as hell, and we hang out with her and her wacky bunch of misfits and goofballs. And watching a bunch of blind people eat a tray of nachos, that'll make you want to throw up. Oh, yeah, because they're just kind of slapping. They can't see the chips.

They have to touch everything to know where it is on the plate. Yeah. So they'll be like, okay, here's the sour cream. Put a thumb in there. Here's the guacamole. Here's the refried beans. Then there's assembling bites on each ship. It's horrifying.

I'll bet they're washing their hands under what they think is a faucet. No, that's why I'm there, because I lick their fingies clean. A little trough pig. Ready for the scraps. Give me that thumb let me suck on that napkin ring out the juices

and like I said I don't I don't wash what I eat so I'm blindfolded so every now and then they sneak a dip a dick in my mouth or the tip of their cane

there's dog shit on both they do fuck dogs that's where they have those dogs. They're sexing them. Blind guy fucking his dog. That's a Louis C.K. bit, right? Let's write that down. Let's try to sell that to FX.

Blind guy fucks his dog. Sells weed. Becker, can you pause it while we write this down? Let's trademark this real quick. blind guy fucks his dog sells weed Becker can you pause it while we write this down okay let's trademark this real quick intro opening panning shot there's a dog

I went to a party that Emily's blind friends came to and a guy fell in a fish pond in a koi pond oh shit you obviously loved it sure did oh shit god really like you obviously

loved it you well you bit you bit half of your tongue off trying not to die laughing

at a blind guy falling into a pond to be fair how is any of this fair god is dead there's no plan for any of this.

Put your dick on the train tracks, mister. This is bullshit. To be fair. It wasn't. Oh yeah, let's be fair real quick.

Okay, we're at my sister's house for I think it was Halloween or my sister's birthday. Day before Halloween. Okay, yeah, my sister's birthday is October 23rd.

It's the best party of the year. Me, you, Bomzo, some people are hanging out in the front room. And this place was overrun by blind people. Yeah. And there was a blind guy there. Cool guy. We'll call him Cosmic Ted. And

he was refusing to use his cane so all my sister's hot esthetician friends would help him out. That's a cool blind guy move. Where's the bathroom? Hey, is this a doorknob? It is a cool move. Props to the players.

When you see a player playing the game, you gotta say, hey, that's cheating. What do you mean somebody cheated? He's good at that game, bad at Yahtzee. What do I got? Oh, no. That sounded like five. We're in the front room and we someone came out right and said oh someone just fell in the palm my sister has a koi pond in her apartment because

she lives in willy wonka's lair which every party i've ever been at everyone's always asking how often do people fall in here and she always goes never, no one ever falls in. Yeah, my sister says, announcement. No more questions related to the pond. Body shots. So, someone comes down and they're like, whoa,

someone fell in, it was like, you know, someone fell in the pond and we were all like, oh, yeah. We were all laughing,

like, cool, finally, surf's up. Somebody's getting laid in the pond. Yeah, me and Hiker high-fived.

Yeah! And then, about 30 seconds later someone came out and they were like a blind guy just fell in the pond and we were like oh fuck well I think it was me because I ran in I was like I gotta see this then I saw it and I came back out and I wasn't laughing at all

you dropped your ice cream cone I was the blind guy and we all stopped laughing for about ten seconds. And then we all started laughing really hard. Once it snatched in that a blind guy fell into a pond. He was like a fat blind guy too. We're being fair again. To be fair, he was a fat guy. To be fair be fair i should insult his weight too and he was honking boobs so you know fuck him more like a predator fell in the pond hiker yeah but he was in there on

his back like a turtle help me help me please this is a solid bidet oh and you know who left the hardest was blind ass Eileen yeah yeah because she was like ha ha told him to use his cane she's losing her mind yeah that's pretty perfect oh that blind guy in the pond I told you I didn't have any good stories

oh you were lying man that's cold well that doesn't have that good of a story in the pod yet I got nothing I used to climb trees oh by the way update

my dad has dreamt of the sword oh really my father has dreamt of the sword really yeah did you listen to that

episode yeah the sword and then I thought about it Sam came episode? And then I thought about it. Sam came in swinging his dick. I thought about it all during the hike because there was all these murals of Jesus bearing the cross as you hike

up this hill. And I was like, oh, that's the flaming sword. You think about it. A cross, upside down sword. I thought that's pretty universal. Grip that cross and ram it into Satan's head. Is that universal? I thought that was only on airbrush t-shirts at the Aurora Mall. It's a mound of gold coins, then a cross

shoved into it, like King Arthur's sword. I was never religious, but my religious friend was a little kid. I loved watching their little Bible stories. I thought Samson was so cool and David and Goliath. I remember watching the Garden of Eden when they get kicked out. It's like, God stuck his fiery sword in the entrance and it was just a big cross.

And I was like, oh, that's a sword. Damn, so it was all adding up to you even back then. Yes, that's all I know about religion right there. I just said it. You should tell that three and six year old. Every cross you see is a weapon. Hey brother, I'm going to drop some knowledge on you.

I drop knowledge on him all the time. But listen, he has this tree that has a parasite and it looks like shit's growing on it. Like,

looks like dog shit. Like, grows on the limbs and then it breaks off and it's all over her yard and they were asking me, they were like, the little girl was following me around

while I was doing yard work and she's like, what's all this poop stuff in the yard? And I was like, poop. And she goes, it looks like it's growing

on the tree. And I was like, that's right. Poop tree. And she's like, what kind of tree grows poop? And I was like, what's all this poop stuff in the yard? And I was like, poop. And she goes, it looks like it's growing on the tree. And I was like, that's right. Poop tree. And she's like, what kind of tree grows poop? And I was like, poop tree. And she goes, poop doesn't grow on trees. And I was like, of course it does. Where do you think it comes from?

And she goes, it comes from humans. And I was like, that's gross, Lucy. Then her dad comes out with a shotgun. Step away from my daughter. You and your misinformation. We don't teach our children about the poop tree until they're ready to listen. Lot comes before

the poop tree. You can't just start with the poop tree. The piss bush. You gotta start small with a vomit flower. The jizz vine. Hiker, we've had some good times out there on these American highways. Yeah, right?

It's you and me cutting it up. We were calling each other a lot during the beginning of pandemic and drinking together. Yeah. Drinking over the phone? Drinking over the phone. We thought it was the end.

I did. You freaked out right away? I did. I really did. You started bottling your own piss? Yeah, he bought a bunch of bullets and salt. This will be currency. Puts bullets in the piss. Yum, we made soup. I did I really did started bottling your own piss yeah he bought a bunch of bullets and salt currency

puts bullets in the piss yum we made soup the moment the National Guard came into the Bronx to try to like help people quarantine

I was like I'm getting the fuck out of here and that was like early March yeah you were concerned with having you were like

I need to get a gun but I live in Manhattan what am I gonna do yeah the only guns that there are are props on Broadway yeah you

see you went for mariska hargitay's gun put it in your mouth it was just a little bit of like rose water god damn it little spritz for your face when you get moist so what's mariska like uh she was some she's not she's not super friendly in my experience and she's also like she's the boss now she's's, like, the producer. And, like, the whole day just goes on, like, her schedule, which can be, like, crazy in that, like, one day you'll work, you know, 15 hours, and the next day she's like, I've got a dentist appointment, like, two hours in. Call in the day, and you're like, oh, okay.

Damn. So they're just like us. And celebrities. I guess I'd be doing the same thing, too. Wielding power blindly? Yeah. But, I mean... So I know you've got a blind item.

And I think that since he's been outed as a pervert, we can probably tell the story. You were down in New Mexico working on, I don't know, Mighty Ducks 8 or whatever. And a certain Netflix president tried to make a move on your funky sweet bottom, right? Wait, what was this? Kevin Spacey. Didn't he make a move on you? Netflix president. I was like, this is not blind. That's a person.

There's not like several Netflix presidents that's like a tribunal. The elders. I was like, man, you're blowing up some dude's spot. I'm sure there is an elder tribunal that owns Netflix. Oh, yeah, the Dark Lords. I don't call them that. The Undergoblins.

You get anti-Semitic. Spacey took a liking to a young actor that I somewhat know, and it got real creepy. Who was it, Haley Joel Osment? No, no, no. He's not famous at all. Was it... Alfonso Ribeiro No, no, no. He's not famous at all. Was it... Alfonso Ribeiro? You don't say the victim's name!

A victim of what? A couple of leaning stairs? Let's try and narrow it down. Did this victim have a sweet life? I'm not gonna help you narrow it down. Was it a case of double trouble? For these young big daddies?

Did he tend goal on a big green? of double trouble? For these young big daddies? Was he a... Did he tend goal on a big green? What? The goalie from the big green? The kid from the Sandlot?

Were you just going through all actors that you knew until you got the right one? Was this certain actor left home alone? Keep going. Okay. Did this certain actor face true north?

Was he issued maybe a blank check? That kid lives in Boulder and rapes everybody. What? Is he in Boulder? Yeah. He's a dick.

I knew he had a troubled career ever since. He's a dick. Is he you personified? Damn. Yeah. Writes a blank check to his lawyers.

Yeah. To make this go away. With impunity. Even my brief interaction with Kevin Spacey was like, he introduced himself, which stars rarely do and then grabbed your hand with both hands

and turned his head and was like, hi. Ate a piece of your soul? I'm Kevin. Yeah, like took some of your... Yeah, it was real like, and at the time I didn't know if I was even aware that there was rumors that Spacey was gay. Did he say hi, I'm Kevin and you were like, no shit. I'm Kevin S.

Like a, hi. I'm Kevin, and you were like, no shit. I'm Kevin S. I got, hi. I'm Kevin. He rules. He's a good actor. That's not what Sam is saying. I don't like his acting. I like his offset life. Sam likes his hobbies.

Domination. And corrupting of an innocent being. He's running over squirrels in his car, for sure. Oh, for sure. Did this certain actor have to go on... furlong? Was it the kid from Terminator 2?

That guy doesn't look good, huh? What happened to him? I think he's okay. Juvenile diabetes. No, he looks gross. Yeah, he got turned up by, you know, probably one of the lesser Sheens. That would suck to not be raped by Charlie Sheen, but to be raped by Emilio Estevez. That's insult to injury, huh?

That's a bummer. Yeah. Is this a tough day at the office? Did this certain actor get even with Steven? He was more of an Odd Thomas.

That guy's dead. Odd Thomas? Yeah, dude, he was the shit too. Anton? You knew him? Anton LaVey? Yeah, He was the shit too Anton You knew him? Anton LaVey? Yeah he was on

Terminator Salvation Anton LaVey Who's Anton? Anton Yelchin Oh Where's his son? Didn't know how to Park a jeep

Well I think He was a little Buzzed It was a factory defect That's not what Ended up happening After the 8 month Investigation of the

Factory defect That's when it got Blamed on the week Of his death This is Jake's car corner Yeah I love cars No Jake loves killer cars From outer space After the eight-month investigation of the factory defect. That's when it got blamed on the week of his death. This is Jake's car corner. Yeah, I love cars. Jake loves killer cars.

If a car has a kill tub on it, Jake knows all about it. Yeah. No, it fucked up a cartoon I really like. When Invader Zim? No. The reboot? The Trollhunters. He was a voice in that? Yeah, he's the main character.

And then, yeah, he beefed it. Because he pulled into his downward-facing driveway, angled down, put his car almost in park, got out, went in front of his car to open the garage, car plowed into him, destroyed his organs. Now, is this one of those things where he got shot in the back of the head twice?

He just propped a Jeep against his garage door with him in between. His throat's been slit. Didn't they call it COVID? Yeah. He just got done filming a movie with Spacey. Yeah. Spacey was in the trunk. The Clinton kill list isn't as big as the Spacey kill list.

You heard it here first. And it's the only place you've ever heard another cool another cool blind item from hollywood sam t you know what i prefer over blind and deaf items are mute items no way it's all contacts and eyebrows. Pointing at a picture of Kevin Spacey. Acting out a murder. Doing the finger in the hole motion. So, hiker. Oh, no. Should we start this thing?

Now, you guys said you had a fun show in the mountains. A certain dirty duo. We were trying to think of anything, any fun stories together. We had a really bad gig in the mountains by where Brett grew up. Do you remember the one where the guy charged you on stage? We've talked about that one. That was in Glenwood Springs, yes. charged you on stage? We've talked about that one.

That was in Glenwood Springs, yes. We talked about it because that was one of the first times that I remember thinking Sam is my best friend because that dude got pissed and kind of flipped the table and started coming towards me. I look around and Sam

is right behind him with a giant stool. Wielding a stool like it's a baseball bat. Yeah, like he pulled a tree out of the ground. It was like a big old stool that most people probably couldn't have put over their heads, but he was just wielding it around, just ready to chuck it at someone.

That was at Loyal Brothers. Which is not a white supremacist compound. It sounds like it. Do you recall what you said to him that pissed him off? Yes, I had a joke where I made up an interaction with a homeless person where a homeless guy was getting arrested, saw me, and said, Lordy, lordy, look who's 240. And just talking about homeless people made him upset

because he worked for the power company and often had to turn off people's power, and it just affected him, made him feel very guilty. It was during the recession. And he got very, oh, damn, yeah, I guess I didn't think about that. But yeah, he said that I shouldn't joke about being homeless because he has to shut people's power off, and it's not a funny thing.

And I was like, you don't have to turn off their power. You choose to for money. They would still have power if it weren't for you. You went full Chomsky on his ass. I goaded him a little bit. You Howard Zinged him. Yes. But he was a guy who was talking the whole show and then just heard you say homeless

and was just like, voila. Pretended he was paying attention. I'm mad. Yeah. Instead of being horny and drunk, I'm now drunk and angry. We had some fun shows together. So I can feel two things at once. Yeah.

Remember, oh, fuck, remember we did that morning TV show? Yeah. Oh, dude. Yeah. Have you ever seen a dead body? Yeah, so there's Lee. There was this morning TV show in Vail. have you ever seen a dead body yeah so they were just morning TV show

in Vail we do these mountain runs and that terrible kind of like tourist TV show in Vail yeah we would

stay at Hiker's parents house good morning Vail with Sunny and Shino and we would Trish Trish

Trisha yeah and we would do these shows and Gary back to back big smiles they were so eager to have these comics who were doing like $300 gigs that were splitting Trisha. Trisha. Yeah. And we would do these shows. And Gary, back to back, big smiles.

They were so eager to have these comics who were doing like $300 gigs that were splitting. There's nine of you. We're comedians coming to town. We'd love to have you on them. It was a real powerhouse lineup, though. It was like Nate Balding and Rick DeSimone, both people who've retired from stand-up. Me, you, doll. And we would eat a bunch of venison and drink a bunch of cheap beer

and then I wouldn't shit for four days until I would throw up in front of whatever venue that was. But yeah, fuck. I remember I would wake up and you'd be sitting on the edge of the bed with your shirt off drinking a beer at like 6am. You'd have to be like, we have to go to radio.

Every morning. Were we in the car trying to figure out what the funniest thing you could say to be like we have to go to radio so we would every morning yeah and we were weren't we in the car trying to figure out what the funniest thing you could say to a so I wasn't

yeah I wasn't with well we talked about it the day before it was like just how much of like a personalityless talking head that Trish was just like

she was a vapid empty hole she would ask a question she would ask a question she wouldn't listen to what you said at all and then just ask another question and then like I think you joked like I'm to ask her if she's ever seen a dead body.

And you guys were like, Sam T. rules! Yeah, and then you worked it into casual conversation. Well, yeah, she was like, so, Sam, you're known for hosting opened mics. She didn't know any of the nomenclature. You are a part of several opened microphones around Denver on Colfax Ave. On Colfax.

I hear you host a mic at the Looks at Her Notes. Lion's Lair. What's that like? And I was like, you ever seen a dead body, Trisha? And everyone. Then she turned and asked Jordan a question Jordan couldn't answer. He was just holding his face.

We had that clip for a long time. Yeah, we shared it all the time, and now it's not up anymore. You don't know where it is? No. We should put that on the Patreon. Oh, yeah. Yeah. God.

You ever seen a dead body, Tricia? She didn't bat an eye, and she was like, so Jordan, you're known for pratfalls. You can literally see Dahl go. He was looking straight forward and then his face collapsed. He went... And he just held his sinuses, not looking up. Yeah. That was always such a funny visual,

the video of this brightly lit morning TV set and then the six of you have not showered in weeks. Full of venison and duff. And we didn't dress up for it at all either. I think I was wearing cut-off corduroy pants. Baldy always was wearing

just something crazy like a giant loud scarf or something. Yeah, it was always a lot. I thought I was going to be able to get to be a part of one of those, but it went away. You really missed out, man. You guys scared Trisha.

No, because you guys had Hickok's back, right? Hickok's ruined it, yeah. Yeah, Hickok's ruined the bit. Well, in all fairness, we always kind of planned on we're going to keep doing the show until they kick us off and start doing... Like, we had this idea that we never did where I was going to, like, you know, like, oh, let's show your... I want to show you our poster. And then I was going to just open a backpack and take out all these crazy things and put them on the table.

We had a hand in a jar and all this stuff. But we never got around to it. And then Hickox tried to like, I don't know. I wasn't there, but I guess he pretended to like take a phone call and try to get cocaine. He's like, what don't you understand? C-O-C-A-I-N-E. Which sounds good. And they didn't air it.

Jim bought the station. I just remember I hit up the next day we were coming to town. That's all it shows now. The next day we were coming to town, I gave them my itinerary. I was like, if you guys want to have us on, we it shows now. The next day we were coming to town, I gave them my itinerary and was like, yeah, if you guys want to have us on, we're interested. And they just replied with one word and said, done. And they never replied to that email again. It's done.

Come on in. You're in the books. Done. You're on the sketch. We did that one talk show. Remember? It was like chugging with the nudge. Chugging with the A-train.

It's chugging with the nudge. I didn't think any of it was going to be... I thought that was just noise. I thought it was just Sam's mouth. There was no way that any word

was going to be the right word. No. And then he got it half right. He got the juggling part correct. It wasn't juggling

with the nudge. It was juggling with DJ and the ding dong I have all that audio still If you guys want to put that on the Patreon Was it even good? No Chuglin with the A-trick

You did go on as First time comedian Jeff Strickler Oh shit You can put that one on the Patreon. That's good man. We should also, if you can, share the outtakes from Scalding My Cream.

What was he supposed to talk about? In that clip. You never get there. Set the table. I had this idea for a thing where I would get comedians to talk about things they're actually passionate about. Not bits, but their most hot-button issue.

But they would do it while looking silly. They would have chocolate on their face or something, or ice cream in their beard. Or Sam was on the toilet, and he was going to talk about something that he really cared about. We were in New Orleans at LES Fest. We were sharing an alleged sex offender's apartment. He wasn't there. He had his finger in some people. Allegedly.

He was. Yeah, so we decided that Sam would do it on the toilet. And I forget what your rant was even about, but I fucked up the first three takes by just... Because he opened it. He was reading a book on the toilet. That way we couldn't see his dick. He had a big book in his lap. It wasn't that big of a book.

It is a big book. It was a pocket constitution. It was a big cookbook. It was like a stew cook. It was a soup cookbook. And your opening line was, I like pan over to you, and you're like, you don't really sculpt my cream. And I couldn't hold it in over and over.

Yeah, you would erupt in laughter. Yeah. And we tried to do it a bunch, and then it never worked. Yeah. My dad, whenever that comes back in the memories, my dad shares it, and he's like, this is still one of the funniest things ever. Because it was it's good the whole project never worked out because people didn't get like the tone i was going for they're trying to be too funny during it and i was like no there's supposed to be serious but look stupid and then i think i got like too much

nuance yeah the subtleties were lost brett wanted shades of gray yeah i recorded like 10 of them and like two reusable and then i just lost steam I was trying to do it all before the election. 2016? What's that? 2016? No, 2012. Yeah, it was anti-Obama. No, it was 2016.

You know what skulls my cream? Barack Obama. Barack Obama. Barack Hussein Obama. Where'd he come from? It ain't Hawaii. I've been to Hawaii Me and Brett have made out before

Gross You wish I have a long term plan to get you back for that I haven't decided how or when But someday Thanks to coronavirus I don't have to worry about it for a little while Were you guys competing for Lindsay? It was comedians power hour

It was a power hour. It was one of the first ones we did and Lund was losing real bad. I was getting my ass handed to me by Timmy Leslie. Yeah, and it's...

Wow! Yikes! She was on one. She was really just hitting on all cylinders. Yes. And I was just, I don't know,

sucking. I wasn't that good. And that last power... I was a little off. That last power hour challenge I give the comics is like, oh, we bring a member from the audience up on stage, and you each have two minutes to hit on them, and whoever does a better job, drunkenly hitting on them.

And they brought me up there. I was the bartender at the time, and they made me the one. Because no one wanted to get hit on by Lund. Thank God. Yeah. Thank God it was you. It wouldn't have worked with just some rando. Lund was hitting on me.

I just tried to make out. He was hitting on me, and then they gave a 10-second warning, and one just grabbed me and made out with me and held my head close to his for the full 10 seconds. Beard on beard. No tongue, but open mouth. Long assault. Yeah, just lips smashed against each other.

Slightly open mouth. No tongue. The crowd went nuts. It was just like it was like people were standing up and screaming and pumping fists

and then Nathan won we heard a Wilhelm scream I don't know yeah someday Nathan I'll be introing you for your fucking album or what not

and just as I hand you the mic I'm just gonna grab you and just kiss you real forcefully on stage no you should pants him get the undies too as he walks out ladies and gentlemen the legend himself Nathan Lund and just kiss you real forcefully on stage. You should pants him. Get the undies, too. He walks out.

Ladies and gentlemen, the legend himself, Nathan Lund! Yeah! Lund time! Yoink! Oh, look at it! Look at this ween! I really think that if I pull it off right, Lund is not going to find it very funny.

If you do it right. Well, I did it right. It was great. You loved it. It was was great. You loved it. It was. You were stoked. Who's the best at Power Hour ever? Rachel Weeks is undefeated.

That's not what he wanted to hear. He starts stroking his dick through his pants. Who's the greatest of all time, Brett? Psycho. Byron Graham was really good on it oh boy Sam's gonna flip this shit should we start recording this thing you've

act like you accidentally delete this Sam has a record of 7-1-1 which is kind of like think of he just kept boxing a little long, like Muhammad Ali. Yeah. So I got a rehab, bitch.

Right, yeah, I know. I got CP or whatever. What did he get? Lou Gehrig's? From what? Drinking? What did Muhammad get? Oh, Parkinson's? Yeah, Parkinson's. Michael Parkinson. Damn. Yeah, I did it in, uh, Fort Walton Beach, Florida. Yeah. And it was home cooking. Damn. Yeah, I did it in Fort Walton Beach, Florida.

Yeah. And it was home cooking. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you lost. Sam lost. Oh, you were jet lagged. And then another one when he was going to the final show at El Torito.

He was about to win it, and then Nate Balding just stole the belt and walked off stage and won by default. Caught a cab to the airport. He did. He walked outside and a big bird scooped him up. He hopped into Pelican's feet and threw it away into the moon. Power Hour has wrestling rules. When someone does that, they become the new champion. You've got to tune in next week to the Superstation.

Well, if that's the rules, I'm gonna chokeslam Rachel Weeks next time I see her. It's a false count anyway. Just hit her with a dick. Open the show by hitting her with a chair. I'm the best, right? He'll turn Sam.

So we have to do our ad. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Do you have one? For what? Well, we have an ad this week. Do you have one? For what? Well, we have an ad this week. Do you know that? No, I got the ad last week, but I haven't heard about the new

copy. Well, if you're ever in... There's a great state east of here. State of Iowa. And if you're out there and you're ever in Cedar Rapids... Iowa City. Iowa City. Quad City DJs. Nope, couldn't be more wrong.

All right. And if you need a haircut, Iker, do you know where you should go? Oh, I mean, when I need a haircut in Iowa City, I usually go to a Deva Salon. Yeah, Deva Salon, great staff, a bunch of jugged up pigs. Putting their fat honkers

on your neck. I wish I would have said a different name then. No, you gotta go to Deva. Bunch of swinging sets in there trimming you up. What does this thing where he doesn't laugh audibly

I'm laughing inward yeah cause you don't wanna validate what I'm saying I don't wanna bray like a jackass he's inhaling for all

for all to hear but and just the fucking audacity this is a long time partner in life of hiker and you're just slandering.

Lish loves me. I love Lish. She has a big fan of Sam. Yeah. Oh, okay. She's family. Yeah. Okay.

I'm sure she... I'm the father of her son. She doesn't dump him out, but she loves everything else that you say. say there's one there's one one part of you that is a turnoff and everything else is is her favorite thing she had one part to turn off one part to turn on it's my vocab um but yeah if you're ever out there go to deja vu or whatever the fuck it's called day job salon and remember keep your deja that's a good ad they should play that on the speakers

all the time you think she'll ever hear this yes I hope not she listens to the podcast good I love Lish as she knows

and I wish she would just respond to my emails. Yeah, if your wig, if the derecho blew your wig six ways from Sunday and you need a fresh new look, let Lish give you a trim. Yeah. Get some trim from Lish. They are doing... Is that what you're saying?

They are doing outdoor haircuts now. Wow, finally. The world's been begging for it. What was that noise? There's some people that are still like, they're just high risk and they don't want to risk getting their hair cut. Well, yeah, but if you're high risk, if you're a cancer patient, that's the best part. You don't need a haircut anymore. Touche.

It all falls out. Not always. Oh, really? No. Sometimes you pull it out because you're very frustrated with your nausea and the whole cancer thing. Indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Yeah, Pepto is the new chemo. And you keep your hair.

Oh, yeah, get on the Patreon, you fucking jackasses. Yeah, we gave you the first, what, dozen or so for free, and now if you want a little bit more, a little extra each week, check out our Patreon. We got a couple of options where you can get an unsolicited picture from me or Sam every other week. Yeah. Oh, we are sending

out hiker dick pics to the next ten people who sign up. Yeah, let's do that. Let's spread your hog far and wide. And we will write your name on it. Yeah, he'll write your name on his dick. It doesn't matter how long your name is. If you're Mahmoud Abdul-Raouf, you can be Lord Penny Farthing, Dante Bichette Tool,

and he will write every letter on there. It's not like writing your name on a grain of rice. Yeah, it's not like writing your name on a grain of rice. Piece of rice. It's not a special skill. It's just, you know, 14-point font. Hiker, we can't talk about paying the rent? No. Okay.

I'd rather not. Whoa. But yeah, Chubby Behemoth is the king of hell. All of Brett's best stories are rent-related, it sounds like. And he can't talk about them. He was a key grip on Rent on Broadway. He's got it. Do you want to plug anything? Shut up.

Plug your pie hole. I have nothing going right now during this pandemic. Doing the occasional show. I might start something up in Iowa City. I don't know. Are you moving to IC? No, but I'm there for the time being. There's no point in being in New York right now.

We heard it here first, guys. New York is dead. New York is dead. Now that there's no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles money to be made, you might as well pack up your fucking bindle and hit the road. Patreon.com slash Shubby Behemoth For Nathan Lund, Ivan Samzalent,

Brett Hiker, Jake Becker, McVeigh was right.