Chubby Behemoth - Groundhog’s Gay

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

Goat In A Tux. Two Streams. Looking For Phil. Patrick Richardson. Danny Maupin.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

I didn't expect it. I have no clue. Yeah, podcast. Vulture, that's you. Yeah. Vulture podcast. Yeah. Yeah, I'm always swooping in for the dead meat. Yeah, they were like, I think Vulture said, hey, take this pod and shove it.

Yet another podcast. That was the blurb. Yeah, yet another podcast. That's the blurb. Yeah. Yet another podcast. Uh-huh. That's the tweet. When did Vulture become

the authority on podcasts? Well, they've had like at least a monthly thing for a long time. Oh.

I guess. Yeah, they're like the de facto. They took over Splitsider. Is that what happened? A long time

ago, I think. So Isaac Cazale can still go check so isaac is part of like new york magazine wow so you know and this has been a brief history of comedy journalism today and i'm probably incredibly wrong about most of it yeah you don't know shit about fuck you're the dumbest squid in the terranium you get your tentacles all mixed up. I think your dick's your hand. I keep swimming. Yeah.

Hey, I didn't get my soda. They're right here, buddy. Oh, nice. There's also one. That one's not cold. That one's warm as fuck. It's been out all night. Just like your dick.

Good lord. You slept bottomless. No, that's not true. There's a skid mark on my couch. Tobias held all your dick all night. Yeah. He's like, come play not true. There's a skid mark on my couch. Tobias held onto your dick on my... Yeah, he's like, come play with us. Come on, no. He's holding his hand. Big head, little head.

Keep a shovel on you. He's so your dad, dude. Dude, yes. Oh, God, yeah, we did. Made me discover that last night. He was skeeting all over West Virginia, Kentucky, Ohio, right when you were conceived, back in... Beep. We don't want people to know you're an old son of a bitch.

I'm 40 and I'm... Whoa! Turd alert. Old bitch alert. Old bitch. No, Lun's an old bitch too. Not as old as me. Lun's about to be 40. He couldn't do this podcast because he had to make some tea. Oh. no Lund's an old bitch too 40 not as old as me yeah

Lund's about to be 40 he couldn't do this podcast because he had to make some tea oh damn it takes him that long to make tea

an hour well he's not making any tea in his body you know he's not spilling the tea testosterone he's low tea

yeah yeah alright that's what that's what the death metal dicks call him low tea Lund

as they're like bending bars with their jaws. Eating an entire ham. Alpha-ing the world. And then they're just like taking some time out of their busy day of doing push-ups to bully an old guy. Old T. Lund. Yeah, low T. Lund, man. I'm happy with my age.

You've really done well. You still love cum and you wouldn't give up your dick for 100 mil. Oh, God. You're talking about the questions from last night? Yeah, the worst hypotheticals I've ever heard. Thanks to Sammy Pissiotta. Yeah, you were over there talking to Clown Mound. Yeah, I was talking to Nick.

Yeah. I don't even remember. We were talking about stuff, art. I don't remember. Yeah, we were talking about stuff art I don't remember they were talking about wood cuttings and stuff stuff alert

meanwhile stuff alert well tell me about this you wouldn't cut your penis off for a hundred thousand dollars a hundred million a hundred million and I was like

I would do it for like 750k and Danny was like what are you talking about I need that I need that thing I keep that thing on me well I mean

come on fellas we gotta get to the gathering before sunset yeah you were like you wouldn't do you wouldn't cut your dick off for 100 mil a month it came down to no that's nuts you can still come out the stump how do you get there it's also just too much money.

Like, you don't need all that money. You could put it, you could change the world. And there's a lot, there's a lot of, a lot of that money could go to other people and really help things out. And I could also still come, which I like to do. Look, you can do what you want with that money, which means you could bestow it upon causes you see as just. Why don't you, don't put a wing in a fucking museum

with my name on it. You can put all the cool blacklight posters you want inside the Guggenheim. I turned the Guggenheim into Spencer's gift. It's just a bunch of aliens that say take me to your dealer. Alright, alright.

Never mind. I'm cutting my dinner that wasn't presented last night you know what else you can buy with money a robot penis yeah hello I am Scootaco I am your robot penis I will engage in the act of love

for you I do not consent to this masturbation ow ow I'm empty for you. I do not consent to this masturbation. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. I'm empty. Oh, yes. I'm coming.

I have made. I mean, yeah, that wouldn't be much of a difference. And then it back... It vacuums it back up. Yeah, it slurps the goo back inside. Come on. Clean mode. Engage. It's just the it vacuums it back up yeah it slurps the goo back inside come on clean mode engage it's just the same load

over and over again Danny with this like dust on it yeah Danny you have ejaculated should I order you a moons over Miami you are post-coital

would you like a vitamin water Postmates has these options oh yeah oh no no this all sounds incredibly terrible. Danny, would you like to watch pornography or look at that picture of

Liz? What the fuck? Your first wife. Come on. No, I mean, yeah, like I said, I'm not afraid of my history. She's a friend of the show? Yeah.

Good. No, I don't mean to be mean. No, you guys are cordial, I think. Yes. We don't even talk about this. That was just a fun robot penis joke. It was the robot penis. Yeah.

Sorry, I have been hacked. China. R have been hacked. China. Ransomware. Engage. It shrinks. Yeah. I have been hacked by China.

Telescope mode. Engage. Cold water. Yeah. It goes in your body. You guys ever have that one? Yeah. When it disappears dude

this might be a fat guy for me I think it's it's groundhog day today so is it right yeah if there's ever a day to talk about this

sunken penis phenomenon I like the sunken penis fallacy what's that you know it's like well I have I've invested all this time in this dick that I don't want to give up on it. Okay. It's like, it's a sunken cost joke.

Nice. It didn't hit. I do get sunken penis. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, being a fat guy is cool sometimes. Yeah, it's like a footprint in the sand. Like, Jesus, where were you when my dick disappeared?

I was sucking you. That's why you couldn't see it. I was sucking you from the back, my son. We were 69 and standing up. Yeah, I was upside down. On your cock. That's the worst. You ever held someone upside down

and fucked their face no it sucks I have never done meanwhile you're playing the harmonica up top so many things

to do at once yeah standing just tambourine man on the harmonica and also into the pussy no way yeah

no that sounds like too much work the ghost of Tom Jode and uh no yeah I'm not making you should be laid back chill iry like too much work. The ghost of Tom Jode. And no. Yeah, my making should be laid back, chill,

iry. You know, it's all about the vibes. It's all vibes. It's all vibes. Island sex. Like that. Yeah.

I sing the island voice. The only way I can come is I'm doing a racist voice. Yeah. Do one. Do one real quick. I don't want to come right now. Oh.

Yeah. Fair. Yeah. And also, we one real quick. I don't want to come right now. Oh. Yeah. Fair. Yeah. And also, we're about to have three more weeks of spring. What's his name? What's the groundhog's name?

Puxatony Phil. Yeah. Puxatonic. Thank you. Groundhog expert Danny Maupin's name. Yeah. Well, I mean,

I know my family. Yeah. Look, I know my rodents. Robot penis. Set to kill. But do we have an update on Puxatawney? Did he see the shadow?

That's a great question. I'll go to the... It's time for a Puxatawney Phil update. Current events on Chubby Behemoth. Did. The only thing that three chodes care about. Yeah. Groundhog update.

Will he see a shadow? Oh, well, it's actually tomorrow. Oh. Robot penis. Extend. That's a bummer that was my that was the whole

crux of this episode was to talk about Phil you set me up with the whole like what's his name I pretend like I don't know his name I pretend like

I don't have a calendar of Puxatawney Phil wearing different hats that's cute it's great you should see him in April he's wearing a bikini

is that real I don't need I don't need that picture of Liz that month. Oh my god. That's two. What are you doing? We're having fun. We are. We're guys.

You are having fun. Your turn. Go ahead. About what? Get me. Do me. Get you. Give me the nasty. I don't know how to do it. I love you so much no I love you too and also

I mean you've come a long way baby you were telling us about your first wedding you know when? earlier right after you put

the gin bottle down remember you had that special guest of honor at your wedding oh oh oh the goat yes yes yeah yeah there was a goat in a tuxedo Remember you had that special guest of honor at your wedding. Oh, oh, oh, oh, the goat. Yes. Yes.

Yeah. Literally the goat. Yeah. Yeah. There was a goat in a tuxedo that had a sign around its neck. What did it say? Welcome. Oh, that's good stuff.

That's cute. And I liked it. Well, the thing is, is like we toured the venue for the wedding before hand and this was the venue was a skyline chili right in Frankfort Kentucky no the guy a the governor's mansion yeah they're like service animals has to be outside yeah we tried to put a vest on the only service animal available is a goat. No, but... Can that dog eat a can? Well, then beat it, blindy.

It was at this place that's really beautiful, Black Hater Farms in Louisville, Kentucky, just outside of Louisville. I'm glad they changed the name to Black... It's Kentucky. All right. That's true. Troubled past.

I don't know. I know what you Trouble past. I don't know. I know what you're implying. I'm just saying. You know. Were they in the Confederacy? No. There you go. Kentucky was neutral during the Civil War.

Oh, they didn't pick a side in the Civil War? They didn't. I know, which is worse. Yeah. What? Kentucky was neutral and then did eventually go with the North yeah once they saw how it was all

shaking out they had their bets for slavery they were just calling the entire time I don't know I got an ace

and a jack maybe something will flop down yeah I gotta wait for the river to come fence sitting on slavery

Danny Marquis no not me! No, you have to rep where you're from. I know where I'm from. I'm not ashamed of it. He's like, I don't know. You know, I don't want to jump to conclusions on this whole slavery thing. Good call, Kentucky.

We're with you. All right, sorry. We're from Colorado. Why don't you think there are any Native Americans in here anymore? Because you guys eradicated them over there first. That wasn't our idea. Why is everything on me? Well, dude, you're from back east.

You invented genocide. Meanwhile, I'm out here just trying to get along with everybody. Invented genocide? Yeah, dude. I know that's not what you call slavery. You call it a pretty good deal, but no. Okay, alright. Call it a job call slavery. You call it a pretty good deal, but... Okay, all right. Call it a job. Yeah.

All right, okay. You're creating jobs. All right, so let's get back to my wedding slash divorce. Yeah. All right, cool. Good God. Okay, but yeah, the wedding. You had a goat.

There was a goat. You were at Black Jaeger Farms. We were... Liz is looking hot. We were just touring the venue venue and on the way out I guess the lady got like a vibe on us that was like alright I think they're cool let me ask them

and they're like there's actually like a goat farm on the premises and for $25 we can put a goat in a tuxedo and you spit in your palm and you said we'll take it

and I was like I have 50 on me can I sit here right now no no you're like Liz pawn the ring we gotta get this goat no

and like the wedding was it was it was on 420 yes so to like have a goat in a tuxedo I was like yeah this is perfect

yeah this sounds fantastic yeah it's funny that they were like testing you out like they were like alright they seem chill cause like

you know your should we keep saying her name? Liz has a candy necklace on. You've got one of those Jamaican hats with the hair coming out of it. No, no. We looked nice. You're wearing a dreadlock hat.

And a drug rug. No, I have a Gallagher hat on. Smash it. The Gallagher. 91 tour. Still stuckagher 91 tour. Still stuck in the 60s. Yeah. That's a Gallagher special.

Check it out. I will not. No, please don't. I don't watch any comedy. No, it sucks. I hang out with the funniest people alive. Like last night when we were walking. Did we walk here?

No, I drove. Yeah. I knew drove. Yeah. I knew that. Okay. I just could have caught up in the moment. I was laughing because I shouldn't

have drove. Oh, I know. Because your car is in total collapse. Yes, and I was drunk. You were very drunk. Yeah, but my car would only go

20 miles an hour. Yeah, why don't you tell us about this? I don't know. The fucking check engine light came on when I was picking Danny up in Denver. Alright, why are you you tell us about this? I don't know. The fucking check engine light came on when I was picking Danny up in Denver.

All right, why are you talking like a cartoon dog? I don't know. Because the attention got shifted on me quickly. You can't handle it. I can't handle it. You're creaking under pressure. Yeah, I'm folding. You're like a porch when I step on it.

Yeah, Danny's the dead bodies underneath. Danny's not dead. I'm alive and well. He might be the most alive man I know. Yeah. Danny's the dead bodies underneath. Danny's not dead. I'm alive and well. He might be the most alive man I know. Yeah. I love that flu game MJ hat. Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey. Talk about your car. Well, my car... Did you not see the show notes? Did you not read what I printed up? Did you not check the Excel? Yeah. Do you not know the assignment? I understood the assignment, girlfriend.

Take several seats. Yeah, I don't know. My check engine light came on and it won't go up a hill faster than 20 miles an hour. I was pedaled to the metal and it was going 60 on the highway. It is not safe. No. Well, hopefully

we get back to Denver today, Danny. At some point. Yeah, I gotta go to Shen Yun tonight. You guys are bailing. You're going to Shen Yun. And Cheyenne. And Cheyenne. Did you just do the voice? No, I did not do the voice. Yeah, you did. You just went. Yes, you did. Play it back, everybody.

Yeah. Come on, man. Don't pin me down yeah I like to watch you get up yeah we're going to Shen Yun this evening in Cheyenne can you explain what that is yeah it's a Chinese

like human trafficking organization that fronts as a tumbling and acrobatics show nice is it all little girls they stole or no no it's not horny organization that fronts as a tumbling and acrobatics show. Nice. Is it all little girls they stole? No, no. It's not horny. Oh.

Yeah. No, I don't know. I see billboards for it all over the world. Whenever I'm out and about, there's always a billboard. You can be in like Topeka, Kansas, and they're like, Shen Yun's coming. Oh, yeah. It's all over the place. Yeah.

That's for sure. I think they have like, you know, they're like an octopus. They have their arms everywhere. Because they just raise these people at acrobat farms. Yeah, yeah. They feed them chalk, right? What did you say? You said they're slaves?

No, what did I say? I don't know. You can't remember. Oh, I said they're savants. They are savants, yeah. And I've never been, and I always want to go. This is part of my one cultural event every month for 2022. We're getting it out of the way early here in Feb. Oh, it's Feb.

It's Feb, dude. It's Feb 1. Febrero, if you will. Febrero. Groundhog's Day Eve. Yeah, I know. I can't knock people to sleep tonight. Neither can Phil. He's so nervous. It's a big show tomorrow. He's messing around. He's so nervous. It's a big show tomorrow. He's messing around.

Slapping himself. Let's see that shadow. Putting cigarettes in his thigh. I got this. He's like Gordy. Running through the jungle. Phil's got a prostitute. Just tying him off.

You're beautiful, Phil. It's so apocalypse now. For rodents and small dogs. He's Martin Sheen punching the fucking mirror. Yeah. Through the wall. That's Punxsutawney right now. His agent's on the phone with him.

Phil, will you do press tomorrow? What'd I tell you? Nobody talks to Phil 24 hours before the shadow. The shadow! He hates the shadow. You just better hope the sun comes out tomorrow. And I'll make you that money. You got another work for me?

Yeah. No, what is this? Not a lot of work for groundhogs, though. I'll do anything. That bitch of an ex-wife gets half the fucking check. You take your pound of flesh I'm giving you ten I'm giving the lawyer ten what's left over for Phil

it's always just the shadow all that's left is the outline of me in black against the ground Bill Murray made his money off of me I didn't get a goddamn dime God he's bitter he's like what's up with the cruise ships did you get me on the boats

sorry you're not allowed on the boat. You're a rodent. Look. It was a pangolin. It wasn't me. He's like, look, I thought she was 18. Oh, my God. Her shadow looked 18.

Oh, come on. You ever been to the Philippines? No, you haven't, Scott. I'm a king over there. They throw me a goddamn parade. Unlike these central Pennsylvania fucks. They don't know how good they have it. I live in a hole, Scott.

364 days I'm down here eating roots. And then the second day of February I come out and the people clap. Makes them happy. We give them something to talk about

besides their dreary endless lives. I don't know if I like Phil anymore. Yeah, Phil likes Phil. Phil's hat is Phil. That's for sure. Oh, my God. But how impressive were you able to channel that character so instinctively? Yeah.

I hope Sam likes Sam. Sam doesn't even know Sam exists. Sam's an idea. Sam's a pillar of salt. He's a rainbow. No, come on. No, no. Yeah, you are a rainbow.

I am. Yeah. Yep. I'm pretty much a little people playing at the ends of me. At the ends of you? Yeah. All rainbow. I am. Yeah. Yep. You're a bunch of little people playing at the ends of me. At the ends of you? Yeah. All right. All right.

I guess I... Leopard fun? I tossed a ball in the air. I didn't know how I was going to get hit. And I swallowed it like the dog in Snatch. Danny, will you tell a story

about your roadie for Max Sabbath and you guys did the gathering of the Juggalos. I think Danny's told that story on this pod before. I've already done the story on the pod. Never mind. You've got a three and a half hour

car ride home. We can fill some of that time. I just wanted the people to hear it. He's told me. The people have heard it. Danny's been probably our most reoccurring guest on this. Yeah, probably up there. Usually we wake up in a weird place and I'm like, I've got to do a chubby. And Danny's like, I did a chubby last night.

Just always on the couch. Bottomless. Richard from Half Baked. Yeah. Was that his name? No, not, no. He was the dude on the couch. The guy on the couch.

But it was, I can't remember his last name. Richard Klein. Richard Dawkins. Yeah. What? Right? You guys are both wrong. No.

Richard Wright? Stephen Wright. Stephen Wright. Yeah. All right, I was wrong. I was going to give you rope. You guys know what's funny? Did you guys watch the football games?

You watched it with me. Yes, yes, yes. Sean McVay is the head coach of the Rams. I don't care. Okay, but hold on. You're going to like this. Sean McVay. And they cut to his dad in the box.

And his dad's name? Tim McVay. Oh, no! Yeah, dude. The Oklahoma City Bomber? No way. Yes, that's his father's name. Spelled different.

Same ethos. He's been out running that for a long time. That's why his son's the youngest coach in the NFL. Oh, yeah. A lot of threats have been placed. Yeah. Gordy is wrecking shit. What's happening?

Gordy's running through the jungle. He's embracing chaos. He's jealous of Pucks of Tony Phil. He auditioned for the gig. He didn't get a call back. I love Gordy so much and I've known Gordy for a long time and Gordy's still a very sweet dog

but yeah, when you told me Gordy's a little de sweet dog but yeah when you told me Gordy's a little demented he's got sundowners now and like not uh remembering everything

yeah ooh that made me that made me sad but also like I said run through the jungle yeah

like he's experiencing things that never happened in his life maybe and he's going he is going wild right now he's knocking over jungle. He's experiencing things that never happened in his life, maybe. He's going crazy. He is going wild right now. He's knocking over gates. He is

We gave him a lot of rancid ham last night, too. I was letting the ham fly. I was feeling myself. I wasn't cutting it thin, either. We were chunking. It's like a big U-shaped chunk out of it. Yeah, it shouldn't be a either. We were chunking. It's like a big U-shaped chunk out of it. Yeah, it shouldn't be a U.

It should be flat. I know. Yeah, and I like maintained it perfectly for a long time. Then last night, get a couple drinks in me, get the boys over here. Toby just bit it. Yeah, that's why he left. That's right. Yeah.

All right, I got to go, guys. Let me just bit it. Toby's last thing he said was like alright I gotta go build a wall and he went out the back door right

that's how he sneaks out of his honey's house you know cause the old man's coming in the front door Toby's back door man whistling

all the way down the street smoking three cigs at once thanks for playing with us thanks for playing Whistle it all the way down the street. Smoking three cigs. At once. Thanks for playing with us. Thanks for playing. I wanted to get Toby on the pod. But he was like, he can't be, you know, captured on tape.

He's like Bigfoot. Yeah. We'd be talking to him, no one would hear him. Because he might not exist. He's more of an idea. It's true. Toby and I had a lot of fun this morning. Waking up as the old guys. I was jealous. Brewed some coffee. Told some stories. It was fun. You guys were It's true. Yeah. Toby and I had a lot of fun this morning waking up as the old guys.

I was jealous. Brewed some coffee, told some stories. It was fun. You guys were up at 730. Yeah. Yeah, shoveling the

walk, reading the paper to each other. Can you believe what Ziggy's up to now? Don't get me started. This little, this, the son in this Zitz cartoon

Is a dick Yeah I'm more of a Hobbes guy He really keeps Calvin in check That's why Calvin's Smiling so big

In those bumper stickers Where he's pissing On the Ford logo Or whatever Because Hobbes isn't There to rein him in I do too And it's crazy

There's like a whole Empire I've seen A couple that go to streams whoa that's cool if that's a Dodge truck there'll be a Ford and a Chevy yeah and it'll do that how I'm lucky if I get one stream I don't know I guess you've just come oh yeah I can meet myself and Irene situation yes that's that's a callback that Toby would like. Yeah. Toby's like, I built the sets all night.

I built the railroads. I built the Mayflower. Come on, daughter. Yeah. Daughter, come. She's got a fucking butterfly knife. Yeah. Daughter, I hope daughter leaves Greeley.

Yeah, me too. Whenever i get her i it's like that scene in billy madison where i'm like never leave here i grab her by the cheeks i'm like you got to get out of greeley dude yeah oh i was thinking if you're gonna bring up billy madison you're gonna bring up the one where the old lady pisses herself it says if pissing yourself is cool consider me me Miles Davis. That's what you're just saying to people's daughters. Yeah, I go up to it. They grab everyone's daughter.

I'm like, I know how you kids like them. Extra sloppy. What about you, sideburns? That movie rocks. It's so good. I've seen it a dozen times. I have, too. That fat guy was supposed to be Artie Lang.

The principal? No, like his You know, there's Norm Macdonald Oh, yeah And then he has that egg-shaped, balding other fat guy Who didn't ever make another movie ever Right That guy was supposed to be Artie Damn

Yeah, but Artie, like, didn't make the audition He didn't understand the assignment He was hungover on coke Yeah Kind of like you A little bit Yeah Well, I did one bump Yeah, and you were pissed and no one else wanted to do it I know He was hungover on Coke. Yeah. Kind of like you. A little bit. Yeah.

Well, I did one bump. Yeah, and you were pissed and no one else wanted to do it. I know. You were standing on that stage in that bar like, no one wants to do any bar with me. I sounded like the bad guy from fucking The Moose and Squirrel Show. The Moose and Squirrel Show. Rocky and Boy? Yes.

Two other bumps, Black Josh You guys woke up at 5am I woke up 20 minutes ago You can't remember one of the most iconic Cartoons of all time Somewhere Toby just like He doesn't know why Moose and Squirrel

I'm a Gen X I'm a Zoomer, dude I don't know what these old cartoons are Aren't we all Gen Z? Well I'm 18 you're both 40 Well that's not all true I am 40 And I'm 18

Alright so most of it's true But I recently found out That I am Gay It's not the kind of jokes we do on here it's fun to get one in every once in a while sneaky say it again we'll take it from the top no i uh i recently found out that like you're dumb as hell welcome to danny gets his ass eaten You guys sent me a high-five for it twice? It's bullying Danny hours.

Welcome to Danny Gets His Ass Eaten. Uh-oh, we're having a beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, Punxsutawney Phil update. He's taking hostages. He's in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania right now. Who's he got down there with?

Little Uzi Vert. Oh, no. Little Uzi. He was doing some bars on a track for Uzi. He was working for Lean, it says. Damn. That's a Johnny Phil rap. Yeah.

Okay, you go ahead. Oh, God. If you say it again, just go right into it. Don't leave space. Yeah. Don't lose touch. I'm trying to figure out a new way to rephrase it. You recently had a revelation.

Yes, that my generation, I thought I was Jim. Greatest generation. Yeah. Goddamn. You. God damn. You're a virgin. Oh man. Just call me John Stockton because I'm assisting everybody here today.

And call Sam Carl Malone because he's having sex with little girls. I am not answering my son's calls. The male man. Yeah. M am not answering my son's calls. The male man. Yeah. In the building. M-A-L-E. I'm the male man.

You get it, John? No, but I'm a geriatric millennial. That is specifically a thing now. Huh. And so specifically a thing now. Huh. And so, I'm geriatric. That sounds so sad. No, I think it's okay. You think?

Yeah, I mean, you're still a millennial. Well, I didn't want to be a millennial anyway. What did you want to be, Gen X? Yeah. You wanted to be Reality Bites. Yes. Jerking off to Claire Danes. Everything sucks. Listening to Tonic. You want to be? Gen X? Yeah. You wanted to be Reality Bites. Yes. Jerking off to Claire Danes. Everything sucks.

Listening to Tonic. You want to be listening to Tonic? No, not Tonic. Tonic sucks. Pavement, yes. Pavement is cool. Definitely Pavement. Silver Jews.

Silver Jews are cool. Yeah. They're dead? Yeah. Well, David Berman's dead. David Berman? Hold on. You don't know this?

Hold me up. No, I don't know who the fuck David Berman is. David Berman's day. David Berman? Hold on. You don't know this? Hold me up. No, I don't know who the fuck David Berman is. David Berman. He sounds like he'd be in the Silver Jews, though. Come on. What? No. That's a man thing.

I don't do anything. I'd rather be Gen X than geriatric millennial. Why don't you just make up your own category? Well, I don't live in these lines anyway. Yeah, I know. You're a world without borders. Yeah. You're the future.

And the past. Yes. No, Toby's the past. Toby's a force of nature. I wish Toby was here. Me too. You guys suck compared to him. I mean, Toby just doesn't realize he's funny.

And he just says stuff. And you're like, oh my god. Yeah. He's like a real life Charlie from It's Always Sunny in a lot of ways. Yeah. Yeah.

He eats a lot of cat food. Yeah. Gets a lot of paint to fall asleep. Yeah. He was a little old man. He sweeps ass to ass with dating to boot up.

Yeah. He has open cuts on his face all the time. Yeah. Have you ever seen Toby's hands? Yeah, they're disgusting. Toby came to my wedding

and his hands were still covered in dirt and grime. It's like, I don't know how he tied his tie with his gnarled fucking petrified wood stumps.

It's like he just worked on a Jeep and then, whoops, I better get to that wedding. Here I go, here's my gift. He just gave me 12 eggs.

And a couple of refries. Yeah. I swooped in myself. You live in like a little shed in Greeley. I know. It's awesome. Yeah, awesome. Right, yeah, there's two sides to that coin.

Yeah. It's a buffalo nickel. It's bleak or awesome. Yeah, well, you know. It's like Pucks of Tony coin. Yeah. It's a buffalo nickel. It's pre-core awesome. Yeah. Well, you know. It's like Pucks of Tony Phil, man. It's like me looking into the future. I'm probably going to have to find a shack

for $50 a month in Greeley to live in. Well, you're going to be living in your car. That doesn't work? Yeah, it's not going to work and you're going to sell the tires and you're just going to put it on cinder blocks and find like a clearing and a pasture and you're going to live out there. That doesn't sound too bad.

That's your life. I'm moving to Montana. People are going to call you Elmo or Skids. You're going to wander into town. Last night we kept calling you, did you recognize this last night? We kept calling you Crud. Crud, yeah. Crud, Crud, Crud.

What's up, Crud? I just accepted it. Well, it was fun and hopefully endearing. I liked it. I think that's a cool name. It is. Yeah.

It's been a long time since I said Crud until last night. So I had to get it out of my system. Yeah, that could be my name. You're one of the best at nicknames.

You call me Dirt Nap. You call him Crud. Dirt Nap, Crud, Rascal. Yeah. You call Gordy Little White Boy. You're Dirt Nap. You call him Crud. Dirt Nap, Crud, Rascal. Yeah. You call Gordy Little White Boy. You put a little stink on it. Little White Boy. Little White Boy.

I do not. Mwa-wa-wa. Oh, yeah. That is true, though. I do always. Boy, I do really like it. Also, hopefully there's no listeners that are here from my Spanish class, because I know some of you Googled me, so.

What a weird disclaimer. Well, I'm just saying, lo siento. Miocales. You know? Any hotties? You got any hotties in your class? I don't know. It's all online. They googled you.

You could google them. Well, it's because we had to put up your bio. And you said I'm a rich, famous celebrity. No, I didn't say any of that. What'd you say? I said the cream rises to the top. You said rolling through the jungle. Rolling through the jungle.

No, I posted, you know. And then some people were like, oh my god, I've seen you do stand-up. And other people were like, oh, I just looked up a clip of yours. So if you're here from that, we just have fun over here. All right? That's all. It's like Jalisco.

You waited until minute 45. Yeah. Pinche puto. Sure. That means welcome friend. I've been doing the homework. Yeah. Hola.

I understood the assignment. Pinche pendejo jue. Whoa. No jue. What's that mean? We're all friends here? Yeah. Nice.

Have you seen that video of that fat kid? I mean, let me stop you there. Yes. The fat Mexican kid, like, on the, like, trying to cross a branch on the river, and his friend, like, lifts it and makes him. It's really funny. It's good. No way.

Anytime there's a fat kid on a branch in a river. Remember the paintball kid? Oh, yeah. He's like, stop it. Yeah. That's awesome. I love a whiny little fat kid. Dude, he has sunglasses on too, I think.

Yeah. Which is brutal. He's like, you know that he like, you know, he's like he's like Alright I'm gonna have to Swim with my shirt on today But At least I got these Blue blockers Yeah Yeah

Have you seen that Little fat Asian kid Who eats dumplings No but He's legend God damn He holds up like The sheet

The dumpling skin And then pops the filling in Right into his mouth So he like Puts it over his mouth Like a manhole cover And then pops the filling in and shoves it all in. It's crazy.

Whoa, he makes them right before they go in. That's nuts. Gordy? What are you digging for? Secrets? Gordy is definitely looking for Phil. He's DJing over there. DJ Shadow. Gordy is going wild DJ little white boy

boy blah hey blah that's Punxsutawney Phil doing an impression of Gordy I don't know I'm trying Patrick's breathing through his mouth.

Danny's thinking about a bird he saw. I like birds. We're going bowling today? Yeah! Yeah, we should go day bowling. Yeah, why are you guys so eager to do this? Because we've been trying to go bowling for like months. That's true.

Yeah, Patrick and I have had like a standing plan to go day bowling at some point. And, you know, luckily he got fired from his job. Yeah. And, uh, so now he's got his days free. Yeah. I'm sorry to say that. I was trying to... Well, you were, you didn't want to talk about firings. And now here we are.

Yeah. Oh, that, oh shit. Well, you know. Wow. Alright, you're right. Over the line. A daisy. Oh, just like a foul you know. Wow. All right. You're right. Over the line. A daisy. Yeah. Oh, just like a fowl that one of us is going to have. Yeah. Bowling today. All right.

Brought it back. Should we put the bumpers on? No. No. But that's the only way I can reign supreme. What? I've never been bowling before. No, you have.

No, I have. What? Yes, you have. You've gone bowling? No, I have gone bowling. And I want to be good at it, but I'm not. And it really pisses me off. Why does it make you mad?

It's just a silly sport. Because I'm never just having fun or a goof. I'm competing with you guys, my dad, my grandpa. They're all there, you know? Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, yeah. When family gets involved, it can get a little bit. No, I mean in my head. In your head? I got my grandpa sitting on me. Yeah, like the? Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, yeah, when family gets involved, it can get a little bit... No, I mean in my head.

In your head? Like, I got my grandpa sitting on me. Yeah, like the end of Star Wars. Like the end of... What? Like, you know, when they're all dead,

Judah? Guess what? No. Yoda. I haven't seen this fucking movie. I'm not a baby. My dick works. Dude, Star Wars?

I don't have 100 mil. All right? I said no. Yeah, I'm rich. My dick is gone. They should take your balls too. Why?

What's the point of getting horned up if you don't have a dick? The balls don't make the horn. They stew up the cum. They stew the goo. They stew the goo. Can we not talk about this if I get soup?

He's right though. The balls are like the trash can that the hobo cooks stew the goo. Yeah. Can we not talk about this fucking soup? Well, he's right though. The balls are like the trash can that the hobo cooks the soup over. You know? The dick's the hobo. He's throwing

potatoes in there, turnips, you know, collard tops. The balls are just down there. Wabash cannonball. It's the Bunsen burner.

Yeah. For that. It's like having a bunch of bullets with no gun. What are you going to do? Well, how about that other fucking hypothetical that Sammy the Whiz Pissiotta came up with? Would you rather have balls on your palms or tits on your palms? Oh, tits. And I was like, how does it get worse?

Right. What are you doing over there? That one's easy, too. Well, we talked about it. No, that was a long conversation. Yeah, this was like a four and a half hour talk. That sucks, because it's tits. You think that, but you're dumb as hell.

Why? All right? No. A little deeper. So a ball sack is just dangling? Not sack. One ball. One testicle.

One test. It's in a little sack, but it does eventually droop with age, just like the tit would. The tit has a big areola. We talked about that. That was important for some reason to Cody Cardinal. That was just, yeah. It was only important to one person. Cody was like, how big is the areola?

Oh. Yeah. He said, how big is the nipple? And I was like, it's a nipple. It's fucking nipple size. He's talking areolas, and he he said, Bill. No, he said, how big is the nipple? And I was like, it's a nipple. It's fucking nipple size. He's talking areolas, and he was like, oh. He didn't know what an areola was. He did the voice.

So... Yeah, no, but I think this was my answer for this blockbuster of a question. You put on, you get a ball, right? And when you get cold, your balls go back into your body. So, you could wait, get cold,

put your fucking ball palms in a Route 44 just full of ice. You're like Wolverine? Hold on. With balls? Pretty much. You can't, like, you know,

schnicked. You have to go to Sonic to get your balls small? No, no. So once you get your balls small? No, no. So once you get your balls back in your body, then you tape it down or wear a glove for the rest of your life and boom. I don't know.

That doesn't seem that good. Would you rather just have a big old titty on there? You couldn't get shut down. You could practice. Yeah, because girls love it. You could practice? Yeah, you could practice licking nip. Yeah, sucking on nip.

And I was doing an act out. Sucking on nip? You haven And I was doing an act out. Sucking on nip? You haven't brushed your hands in a while. No, one of my reasons for tits on hands was, and I asked specifically, because clearly, as we've talked about in this podcast, I'd rather be a giver. So I wanted to know if they would actually lactate and I could feed the children. So we did figure out they could lactate, right? Yeahate right yeah and you're just going to go up to strangers kids

well I know that doesn't sound good like Spider-Man you're going to be like I'd rather have some milk or some beer I mean if shit hit the fan you know and the world needed food I got tit hands yeah you do and also that's good milk it's sweet it's tangy and the world needed food. I got tit hands.

Yeah, you do. And also, that's good milk. It's sweet. Yeah. It's tangy. It's really expensive online. Tit milk? Yeah.

Human tit milk? Yeah, it's like fucking 40 bucks an ounce. You've looked it up? I have an Etsy store. Alright. I'm a broker, if you will. I guess it makes sense. I can get what you need

and you need what I get. That's what I'll say. Speaking of, what do you call it? Placiosexuals? Placiosexuals. How about an update on your... I got cold feet. I'm not getting blowjob.

Well, I thought that would fill at least two minutes. But, no. Well, no. I mean... You know about this, right? No. Well, yeah. You talked about it a little bit on a show last weekend.

Yeah. And you're like, anonymous blowjob sort of thing. You were going to go to a woman's house. Why don't you explain? Yeah. Why don't you use your brain and tongue? I found this subreddit that's people trying to give and receive blowjobs. Random acts of blowjob.

And it's a community of about 400,000 people that look like me. Yeah. So it's like the Comptown subreddit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, just 500,000 Stavroses. But it's just mostly men, gay and straight,

looking to get sucked off by men and women. Every once in a while, you will. There will be a post by a woman. And I searched that. And those blow up. Yes, they do. Those make it to the front page. Yeah.

While the creeps are ringing a bell, sliding down a fire pole. We got one! It's like Ghostbusters. It's like Trader Joe's in there. It's in Toronto! Fuck! Convoy!

How many can you suck? We'll rent a bus. Yes. And she's like, yeah, please. Yeah, the top post is like a guy, it's like a joke post, and he's like, I'm looking for an entire soccer team to suck me off. Wow.

I need the cum on the goalie's face. It's pretty funny. Is he dying? I don't know. Why do you think he just gets this? I think it was a bit. Yeah, that sounds like a bit. I mean, that's pretty ambitious. But it probably also maybe

is not a bit. Yeah. I mean, it's a bit, but if it happens... I bet he gets horny just writing it out and seeing people talk about it. That's probably his thing. Like, you know what I've thought of? You know all like the cartoon sex, like goofy fucking Mickey Mouse and shit, you know? Yeah, of course.

I'm the man of the world. Yeah. I'm cultured. You think, like, when people are drawing those, they're getting horned. Like, is Jeff Tice getting horned up drawing that, or? No, I bet it's just another day at the office. Yeah. Just clocking in, clocking out.

Drawing Goofy's dick. Yeah. Just a fucking ashtray full of cigarette butts, you know? He's got a jeweler's lupon so he can get the veins just right. Six squirtles having sex. Anyway, I searched Denver on the subreddit, right? Real stroke of genius right there. Using tools.

The top post is from this woman and she's like, I'm spreading. It's funny because it was a top post too. She's looking to suck. She is. She's trying to suck hard. She was looking to give blow and goes. So I DM'd her. I'm a journalist. Right, yeah. You were like,

I work for Vulture. I'm doing a piece on the best suck and goes. And then she asked for a dick pic and I sent her that funny picture of my dick. Yeah, which is really funny. We should post that on the sub.

No! Yeah. For everyone, it's like Patrick with a cigarette in his mouth, and it's like snowing, and it's night, and you're giving the peace sign. My dick's just out. Yeah, and the turtle dove is out of the cage. Hux and Tony Phil's, you know, showing his shadow. Yeah. That'd be a good Photoshop. Lil Uzi Vert's been you know, showing his shadow. Yeah.

That'd be a good Photoshop. Lil Uzi Vert's been down there, too. Yeah. So you talk to her. She vets you. I had to download Kik, which I never used before. What's Kik? I don't know.

It's like where underage girls go to, like, meet. Cool. All right. No, I don't know. It's like a messenger for pedophiles. Yikes. What? That's the white paper? I don't know. I don't know what

kick. It's a messenger. Well, it's on your phone. Yeah. You use it all the time. It's for perverts. We should leave the building right now. Yeah, yeah. Go dig a hole, Danny. I think it's like you can message people. Like my friend has a friend in Russia that she uses kick for. It's only getting better.

Sit up. Yeah. Anyway. So it's used for. I send her that dick pic, right? Right. Immediately she's like, when can you come over? Hot stuff.

How'd she spell come? C-U-M. Nice. So we set up a day. That's consent. Yeah, it is. Good God. A written pun? Yeah. It's consent. Yeah, it is. Good God. A written pun?

Yeah. It's on. Stomp over there. So she wants you to come over. You're going to come in. You're going to sit on the stool. She's going to put a blindfold on you. She said she'd be nervous because apparently she has regulars that come a lot.

But if it's your first time, she vets you and you have to talk to her outside of her apartment. Is that because you were so big fat and hairy she wanted you to go to a vet? Yeah, she wanted me to get shaved down. Yeah. Dr. Kim! She sent me away. I'm just kidding. So she was gonna blindfold you, you're gonna sit on a stool, and then her

like, you know, husband's gonna come in and blow you, you're gonna love it. If it's a good blowjob and I don't know. Hey. Whoa. Yeah, your Schrodinger's gay. Yeah. And she was like, save up a big load for me.

No. She loves loads. God. Yeah, I got scared. I couldn't do it. I didn't want to get blindfolded. Yeah. I don't like not being able didn't want to get blindfolded. Yeah. I don't like not being able to see.

All the other hurdles. You jumped over and blindfold was like, all right, no go. Yeah. But I don't know. That's all too shocking to me. I wouldn't want to do that. Yeah, you're a geriatric millennial. I'm a geriatric millennial.

Yeah, you're going to kick on your phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't maintain a euphoria message board like Patrick. So you didn't go. I didn't go. It kind of bumps me up. I know. Because I wanted to live vicariously through your thrills.

Yeah. You know, I'm an old lockdown lump. Yeah, you wanted to go to Switzerland without the passport. Exactly. That's what you wanted. Yeah. I wanted you to put 100 on black in Montenegro. I, uh...

You should have taken Noah. He wouldn't do it. He needs it. He needs to bust. Yes. But he doesn't want to do that. It's like getting in his blood.

The cum's backing up out of the vas deferens and getting into his bloodstream. Yeah. He really does need that comes backing up out of the vas deferens and getting into his bloodstream. He really does need to blow... pop off. I'm running at like 20%. You're really blowing it. I'm sorry.

Do you want me to put the blindfold on you? Gordy, put some lipstick on. I'm enjoying my day. I like it. Yeah, what if I got my bit dicked off my dick bit off alright let's go back to

making fun of Danny no Danny rocks no I mean but I'm I'm happy to be laughed at yeah I'm laughing myself I'm not laughing at you

I'm worried about you you've gone full pile. You're a pile of what? Yeah. Yeah. The wood pile. You're the wood pile. Oh, no.

Yeah. That's such a funny. That's where me and my friends hang out. What is the other thing he calls it? You're a pecker's ass? He says like racism

is low frequencyfrequency thinking. That's insane. We don't need to talk about this on the pod. Edit point. It's a prison YouTube. Hi, Becker. Edit point, please. Becker doesn't listen to these.

Oh, good. Becker's actually in Pennsylvania right now. Oh, really? Yeah, he's tailgating. He's tailgating. It's the one time Becker lets himself I've thought about doing that before

tailgate for Groundhog Day yeah whoa that's cool it seems like it would be really fun and Pennsylvania

it's got like a good polka scene I like polka right yeah you like cold do you like yingling yeah I like cold fucking beer

I like cold pilsners yeah sounds good you like rodents do you like Yingling? Yeah, I like cold fucking beer. I like cold Pilsners. Yeah. Sounds good. You like rodents. I love rodents. You love shadows. And the lack thereof. I love shadows.

It's everything. It's perfect for you. Yeah. You love gambling. I wonder if there's a line on if we'll have spring or winter. Oh, in Vegas, I'm sure there is. Yeah, you could rig that easy, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because Phil doesn't care who he hurts. He just wants that bag of money. Phil is pissed. He's trying to procure the... He's still pacing right now. He's like, I'm not coming out of this goddamn hole. You tell me when dawn is. Yeah.

I'm only coming out if there's a $100 bill and a pile of blow. I better come out and there's a fucking asshole waiting for me to eat. He dresses like Big Jay Oakerson. Yeah, he's got fingerless gloves. He's got fingerless gloves and does the same crowd work every show. Alright, let's stop this merch.

Yeah, he does rock. I don't give a shit. He listens. That's cool. I don't give a shit. He listens. That's cool. He doesn't listen. I don't give a shit either way. Yeah, dude. I wonder what film...

What's it like, the 24 hours before Whole Day? Whole Day is not what it should be called. They're rebranding for a younger demo. All right, yeah, yeah. Download Kick for updates. What if instead of him being all gritty, for a younger demo. Alright, yeah, yeah. Download Kik for updates. What if instead of him being all gritty, he's like super flamboyant

and he's like, It's Holden! He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like,

He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like,

He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like,

He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like,

He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like,

He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like,

He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like,

He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like, He's like,

He's like, He's out, Philina. Phil is dead. Philina saw their shadow today. Yeah, Yahoo's pissed. It's like the only thing that Yahoo reports on anymore. It's like, hold, hold, hold watch. It's called Yahoo phone.

Day 333. Hold watch. Yeah, they have a ticker. Hold watch. Yeah, they have a countdown on their fucking homepage Um Go watch See if there's an update I don't want to Oh my god

Phil took his own life No Thank god I'm happy actually Phil took his own life. No. Thank God. Yeah. I'm happy, actually. That sucks. He needed the control.

Poor guy. Damn. In the arms of the angel. It's just a montage of Phil coming out of a hole. Seeing and not seeing his shadow. While a fat guy from the Rotary Club like has a top hat

and a watch chain. Right. For some reason they have like a chimney sweep to bring him out of the hole. Everything about it

has to be so old timey. Yeah. I laughed when he didn't see his shadow. Yeah. Phil's last words were more like Groundhog's gay. And bang!

Oh my god. Fingerless glove pulled that trigger. Big gay, Oakerson. That's classic. Yeah. That one's been said a lot. Alright, I will apologize to Big Jay. Thank you. Alright. You pussy. No, you know what?

He roasts. I can roast him back. No, you know what? He roasts. I can roast him back. We don't know each other. And now we apologize. It's all love of the game. Man, that was fun last night, doing that mic with you all. Yeah, that was super fun. It was good.

Oh, we had, oh, should we bring up? Let's already make somebody a superstar. Yeah, let's. Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. There was a 22-year-old named Joe that had lost a fantasy football bet. So this happens in stand-up comedy, if you don't know.

A lot of times people will be dared to do it. Yeah, the thing that we've devoted our lives to is their worst nightmare exactly it's a punishment for these people thank you for shitting on my life's adventure yeah but here we go right uh but what always happens with that is there's like 50 people that come out for that person they're all young they're all hot right yeah yeah and uh they were fun they were good they were a decent audience uh that open mic's better than like half the showcases in denver yeah it is a really fun it's a great mic um shout out comedy fort yeah comedy fort of course but

then uh well sam you went up and tried to discourage him immediately. Which I think makes sense. And I agree with, but you're also funny and supportive at the same time. Well, like, back in the day when I hosted Lion's Lair and Squire, the first month of the year was always Resolution Comics. That was their New Year's resolution. I'm going to do stand-up this year. This is my shot. So they would come out and me and Roger

would just be like, what the fuck is the matter with you? You're playing with fire. Alright? You come into the dojo and you don't have your ankles taped?

What are you doing? We're lions, bitch. You're a Christian. Throw me in the pen with you. Right. Daniel and the lions. Right.

Yeah. And then they'd be like, well, you know, I'm a successful bank manager from Thornton and this has been my dream. And it's like, shut the fuck up! Hold on to my belt loop! Give me your shoes!

Just prison style, you know? He's like, I want your soups, bitch! You eat when I eat! And then you put him up at 145. And they're like, Steve's microwaving his salmon in the break room. Oh, Steve. And Steve's in the audience cracking up. Yeah, yeah.

Steve's wife is crying. Yeah. She's like, he's so funny, Steve. You were right. He's so funny. And then cut to three weeks later, they have a fucking pill problem now. Right. You know?

They're banging a 17-year-old open mic-er. They're sleeping in a fucking Kia Soul. You know? Right. Or just like that and also the fact that like

all those people that showed up to support for the first set, they're not going to be there. They're never coming back. Right. You mention that a lot. And...

But Joe was funny. Yeah, Joe was funny. He had good very first time You're giving him a little too much credit yeah Joe was fine he had good very first time stage presence a little too much credit he was fine it was his first time

on stage it was his first time but he was his stage presence was decent for his first time and he he had a smile

on his face the whole time he was taking it on the chin but with a grin that's all you can ask for that's all you can definitely ask for

he was a good sport that's king shit. King shit. And also the stipulation was his friends wrote the jokes he had to say. Right. Which I assume were just going to be like, you know, a black guy and a Jew

walking to a hat shop. Right. That kind of stuff. There were two very funny jokes. Which I'm sure are memes. Right. Or they're just jokes. But two of those jokes were really good.

I don't remember any of them. Oh yeah, because you were begging people to do cocaine off your nips. Like, look, they're just jokes. But two of those jokes were really good. I don't remember any of them. Oh, yeah, because you were begging people to do cocaine off your nips. Like, look, they're long. Not yet. Look at these. I'm going to see their shadows. Someone honor my nip. No one hears me.

Did you say honor? Yeah. Honor my nip! Please! Honor your nip? I don't even know her. Yeah, but he went up, and I remember we were leaving, and then, like, two dudes came out of the mic, and were like, Joe's going on!

And we, like, ran through traffic to get back in there. Bro, gotta see this. Yeah, let's go. Gotta see this. Yeah, because I was walking out, and they brought him on, and then I told those guys, I was like, Joe's going on. Yeah. And they ran and got you guys.

You told Abo and Griswold, whatever I was like, Joe's going on. Yeah. They ran and got you guys. You told Abo and Griswold, whatever their names were. Abo. Yeah. The tertiary guys. Yeah, yeah. Shawshank. Ricky. Shawshank. Yeah. In the credits, they're just like called Open Mic'er One. Yeah. Asian

Open Mic'er. Yeah. Okay. Oh, come on. Heroin Open Mic'er and Asian Open Mic'er. And, okay. Oh, come on. Heroin open mic-er and Asian open mic-er. And that Pauly guy. Pauly? Yeah, that dude who came to the bar

with us last night. That bald dude from Boulder. Oh, yeah. Remember? And we were like... Oh, no. His name's Ryan. Ryan.

Okay, so you honor him with a name. That's nice. I know him, though. Ryan was cool. He has, like, a wife of 17 years, a boyfriend of three, and he. Ryan was cool. He has, like, a wife of 17 years, a boyfriend of three, and he just broke up with his girlfriend of, like, six months.

Oh, man. Oh. It's like, dude, where do you get the cum? Wait a minute. He just. It's not even that. Like, where do you find the time? I bought him a beer. Yeah. Hold the phone. I bought him a beer because he broke up with his girlfriend, but he's poly. Yeah. That sucks. I would have bought him a beer if I knew he had three partners. Yeah, and he's just getting it in. Meanwhile, you're over here, not even going to get a random blowjob. Was that because you were brain zapping? Was that due to your

uh, your medicational issues? Um, they did intersect a little bit. That is another part of it. What about if you get back on the horse this week and we go live on the Chubb Reddit? What do you mean, though? We strap a camera into your pube hair, a little pin hose camera. My dick's wearing a little ad.

No, it's got to be wearing hidden camera glasses. The dick is just the nose, not the glasses. Never mind my dick's hilarious accoutrement. No one's watching. We had to go to a novelty shop to get these. Oh, by the way, do you want some stinky gum?

You just have all the gags. You shake your hand and it shocks you. She starts sucking you off. You're like, smell my dick. You squirt it with seltzer. Hey, I bought you flowers. Do you want a can of peanuts? Before we have anonymous oral sex.

Oh yeah, we met that old magician last night too. What? Where was I? I don't know where we were. What the hell? I don't know what happened to you.

Dude, dude. Where was the old magician? Oh my gosh. He looked like the guitar player Dan from the New Pornographers. Yeah, he had a British accent. And also a destroyer.

Was he in open? Was he at the open, Mike? No, he was at Lucky Joe's afterward. Oh, was he the old guy? The old guy. They call him Dirty Einstein. Oh, I did see that guy. He learned how to put the atoms back together.

I think you said something about Nuremberg. Oh, yeah. This guy was at the trial. I think you like, yeah, you said something about Nuremberg. Oh, yeah, he did. Yeah, this guy was at the trial. Oh, man. He did look from a different time. Yeah. Yeah, he was very, and yeah, his accent and everything, too.

It was like, whoa, how the fuck did you get here? Yeah. And then he told us stories about the war and everything like that, too. We're like, all right. The Magician's War? What war? The Magician the magicians war yeah and they fought the mimes but i didn't ever see him do a trick so i can't claim it was it was the blaniacs versus the mind freaks and uh the chris angel people really ripped america in half uh kentucky of course didn't pick a side we stayed neutral yeah we're just happy to be get we're just happy to get we're just happy to get

goofed up yeah yeah well i gotta sell everyone drinks whiskey you know that's true uh yeah but that guy and danny the bartender uh right she was like yeah i like saved his life one time he was like in there was a shooting in the alley by the alley cat and i like you know had him come to avogadro's number for my 21st birthday and he was like, I'll never forget your 21st birthday, Lassie. I was like, alright, chill out. What's underneath that trench coat, dude?

Nothing? Also, yeah, I kind of talked to him and he was just stained. Yeah. His beard was yellowed. That's always a nuts.

Yeah, it was like nicotine stained yellow beard. I'm sure he smokes a pipe. Oh, yeah, he had pipe energy. Have you guys ever heard of Sutri? Of course not.

He reminded me of Harrogate from Sutri. Who do you think you're talking about? I'm sorry. I figured there might be a couple bones in the broth.

Nope. Oh, yeah, and also, one more fun thing before we wrap it up here. Remember Paul Brown Jr. getting the... At the end of the Bengals game? Oh, yeah, he could... He was just talking... He could not get that interview going? No, no, no.

Joe Burrow blowing off the interview was one thing. But the owner of the Bengals, that old man who was sitting alone in the stands... No, no, no. Joe Burrow blowing off the interviewer was one thing, but the owner of the Bengals, that old man who was sitting alone in the stands. Oh, yeah, yeah. The beige guy? Yes.

He looked like a flasher. The owner of the Bengals is like a 65-year-old simpleton who likes nothing more than a taffy apple, you know? Like, you can tell that they have a lot

of inbreeding in the Brown family. Perfect. It looked like he got dressed, he was dressed as like a detective in Sims. Yeah. What did you say about him when he went to get the truck?

My man's beigeed out. Yeah, he had like a beige ball cap on, a trench coat for some reason. He looked like he was in hiding. Yeah. He was beigeed out. It looked like there was a bunch of little people operating his body. Yeah. Like he looked like he was about to sneak into a movie.

It was three kids on each other's shoulders. Exactly. Yeah. So, yeah, look up Paul Brown Jr. getting the AFC Championship trophy because you can tell he doesn't know where he is. And he just wants to be in his high chair. Yeah. You know?

He wants to be back in the compound having some more nerds rope, which he calls fun spaghetti. Yeah, his eyes were vacant. Yeah, he's like, just standing up there, like a bus driver face.

My hat matches my jacket. Yeah. They were like, Paul, how's it feel? And he's like, I've been in a car. All right, Paul.

Let's go down to Joe Burrow on the field and the girl's like shut the fuck up bitch I'm trying to get sucked I'm fucking all of Cincinnati tonight I'm gonna rip those holes up Pucks a tiny Phil style there's a new Cody in town

he's doing skyline jokes meanwhile the owner's like there was a tootsie roll at the center of my sucker He's doing skyline jokes. Meanwhile, the owner's like, there was a Tootsie Roll at the center of my sucker. He's counting the laces on the football. All right, tell them where they can find you birthday piss on instagram and also come to ratio every Wednesday

at 8pm free comedy show ratio beer works that's in Denver very good show hosted by you and Kobos and who else old Corey's over there. Danny? At dannymoppin.com M-A-U-P-I-N on Instagram.

Not like mopping up the gravy with the biscuit. No, no, no. I'm a fancy janitor. Yeah. I still do mop. And you want to talk about Late Late maybe

or is that still... Well, that's still in the works but I will talk about the podcast that I also wrote oh yeah yeah take this pot and shove it the country music podcast

you and Tyler Sodgrass me and Tyler Sodgrass which if my dad heard that name he would say not his real name it's real it's real

and we're good friends and we just talk about country music and defend it but also try to turn on new people because we understand country is not for everybody and there's a lot of problems. Yeah, it's not for black people.

I am a lineman for the county. I am a lineman for the Bengals. But we handpick all the best tunes and we keep it very diverse and we have a lot of fun guests. And check it out at Take This Pot and Shove It. It was fun. I did it. My episode's coming out soon. Update from me.

All you chubby heads down there in beautiful Illinois. I am coming to... I'm doing an Illinois run for some reason. Jukebox? I'm doing the box. Nice.

Yeah, I'm coming to the box. All right. 16th City Winery in Chicago. Those tickets are going fast, and I actually mean that, which is cool. Rock Island, I'm at Wake Brewing. I don't know. Put Donnie Townsend in charge of something. You're going to be performing behind an abandoned Petco.

But yeah, Wake Brewing. The 18th, I'm in Bloomington, Illinois. Sorry, Indiana. At Night Shop. The 19th, I'm at the Juke, Illinois sorry Indiana at Night Shop the 19th I'm at the Jukebox Comedy Club in Peoria two shows

come to those and the 20th I am doing the Drop Comedy Club in South Bend, Indiana going back there for the first time in a while

so come out and see those I guess the February 25th I'm in Dillon, Colorado at the Warren Station Center for the Arts 26th I'm in somewhere we'll Colorado at the Warren Station Center for the Arts. 26th, I'm in somewhere. We'll plug those next week.

Thank you, guys. Flip mode! Flip mode and R.I.P. Phil. R.I.P. Phil.