Chubby Behemoth - Guess What? I’m Soaked

Episode Date: August 17, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/   SPONSOR: Cash App - Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Visit https://www.cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.   PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys start off encouraging Nathan to keep it fresh. Sam has candy that looks just like the boys, did a wall ride on an on ramp, and was on a wild ride getting away from a gunman. Nathan reveals that he loved Selena as a small boy in Chicago, is going to see ‘Weapons’ after we record, and is excited to lose money on football again. What’s the worst pussy you’ve ever had?   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Are you going with Kreech, though? Yeah. That's pretty cool. All right. All right. You got to get a big old tub of popcorn. Put your little... Probably not.

Your 11th finger in there. Poked it through the bottom. Oh, God. Yeah. Extra salt on this one here, dude. That would be quite the move 13 years in. Dick and the popcorn. Keep it fresh.

First time. Keep it fresh, man. Show that you still care, that you want her. and that you know that you have to initiate in fun new ways. I do it at home with a metal bowl. She's like, how the fuck? Find out. Wasn't with my dick.

I'll tell you that. I had to get a drill. Ask with your mouth and not with your hands. Yeah. So, Lon, do you want to say a funny thing you said before the pot about our gear we're wearing here? Yeah, we look dumb as hell. I mean, we are three flavors of glow in the dark. type not yeah you're you got defensive oh there's a nice twill shirt no it's the colors the colors

are funny that's salmon beckers is bright yellow and mine is it used to glow in the dark there's an alien with a crown on it this is a actually choplin mystery yeah I know where you got that shirt I was there this uh this is actually you weren't there Santa Fe sunrise is this color here you know that all right yeah if you didn't just get clothes from a doctor. Lund you sometimes you dress honestly like when you're in repose just chilling maxin you dress like the kid who shit his pants and got sent to the nurse's office and had to have all this clothes replaced that's often your little shorts a shirt that doesn't fit right uh your socks are like you know soviate sometimes so yeah it's very funny when i catch you and i'm like damn that kid had too much shilly at lunch you don't catch me doing nothing you're the one that actually shit your pants so what this is your story to tell. I'm living. I'm not wearing a property of Malin Brown Middle School. Yeah. Go bears. I don't wear that random of shit. The shorts. Yeah. Some of these shorts are random. Like I shouldn't have picked them. I know everyone says that stuff is painted on your stuff is like lacquered sometimes. It's like very much like the candy coated shell of a man's butt. I need to go on a journey like you to find the perfect shirt and I'll buy 600 shirts. Yep. No one will be mad. Your wife won't get pissed.

It'd be perfect. We already found the shirt. It's the Dominican Lou. For Lund? Yeah, dude, he looks great in that coral shirt. And I think if he had one that was like a normal navy or like a couple of solid colors and not like the cool guy, Rockaware one, he'd pull it off great. That thing fits nice. It drapes good on him. First of all, you can't say the cool guy and then follow it with Rockaware one.

Well, you know what I mean. It's either the Rockaware shirt or that cool shirt he owns. You know what's funny is here within my grasp is the exact representation of actually what we are right now. We are the sweet tarts giant shoes. This is 100% what we are to the point where here I'll open on camera here. Nice unboxing. Nathan, you're of course number one because you're the oldest.

You're the first in the back. hell. Becker, you're number one in the fans' hearts, so you're right there. Whoa. Oh, yeah. Now, they match surprisingly well. Well,

that's another bit, Becker. Yeah, this is crazy. There's only one left, right? There's actually two left, and this one right here is the color of my shirt. Whoa. That's right. And also, the least favorite flavor for the

consumer. And then, you know, me, this guy right here, before you guys, the first rocket ship was with David Borey. And he's right here. Grape. And that's my favorite flavor. So that went insanely well. I, as soon as I stockpiled these when I was up in Michigan, or Northern Michigan, because I found him at a gas station, but I was worried about the order of the colors. So I was debating, opening it up, and doing some of the slide of hand I've been working on in my free time, but no, it was exactly perfect. It was only up to me to assign them why they were in that order, and of course, nailed it. Really, Decker was number two, but really he's number one. That's what's interesting.

I wondered if you had faked the opening of the rapper. I would have been impressed with that if that would have been faked. I couldn't tell. No, no. I was enjoying the ride. I was like, holy shit, if this works out. My fifth favorite flavor, of course, Bayer Aspirant, take that on the plane. Are you all whacked?

Me? No, no. I'm solid. I just, I didn't have like arduous travel. as I flew private yesterday, so it wasn't a big deal. And then flew from Grand Rapids today, half hour flight. It was when I was texting you guys, let's just say someone out of the three of us, and you're never going to believe it, dear listener, did go to Wendy's today.

And I'm not going to say who it is, but it's the one you would least expect of eating Wendy's, sober in the middle of the day. Not even high on a hash pen because mine broke this morning. So it wasn't even high, just driving, straight from the airport. Went to Wendy's, you know, got a little Wendy's. Three burgers in the bag, big deal. What kinds? Three.

What do you think? What do you think I got? Dave Singles. Three little guys value menu. Cheeseburger deluxe. I like the tomato. I like the lettuce, like the mayonnaise. Cheeseburger deluxe, three of those bad boys.

Fucking had one swallowed hole by the time I got on the field. Got on the. road there. And then when I got to the highway, I was like, oh, what is this butt fuckery? I'm supposed to be home in about 25 minutes. Great. When I go to get on the highway, the man in front of me does the dastardly deed of, as I've, you know, underlined explicitly on this podcast and at Little Caesar's Arena on Friday to grand success. There's not much of an on ramp here in short merge. Short merge. Yeah. Sometimes. it's an eyelash sometimes it's uh it's the look in a girl's eye at the at the county fair you know

it's barely there but it lasts forever yeah the zipper is on low-rise jeans yeah there's not a lot of zipper no no no to be zipped the button's doing all the work and i am trying to get up you know i have 17 feet to get from a 25 to 73 and the guy in front of me jams on the brakes can he get slammed yeah he he braced he jammed on the brakes so i lay on the horn yeah yeah You got to be careful. You got to be careful getting onto the highway. Best to be cautious and, yeah, tap those brakes, slam on them. Yes.

So I did as close to a wall ride as one can do if the car is your skateboard because it was one of those like, you know, one of these things coming off off the side of the highway. So I like went up on it a little bit and then jam back in in front of him. And it was very scary. and then that guy proceeds to follow me for six exits right on my tail as if I have done something wrong because I laid on my horn

and then had to skirt, skirt, whip it around his dumb ass. You know, he's a young man who lives in the city. He's pissed. So he follows me for six exits, but, and Becker, you might know this because you,

you, you know, subscribe to Hepcat Weekly. You know, steering wheels and fedoras monthly. You know what's going on in Detroit this weekend? The Woodward Cruise. The Woodward Dream Cruise. Yeah. Or as we who live here call it, nightmare on four wheels.

Yeah. It's always been funny to me that they do it at the same time. I like to call it the old gay loser parade. That's what I call it. That's what I was just going to say. They do it at the same time as Concours. So it's like, hey, all rich guys and guys with taste, we'll have you over. here everyone else you can leave your trailer park and gather in Detroit it'll be a great time

but dude that's the coolest car show on the planet great man you try and be on 94 in the middle of it you try and be on 94 as a teen from the city of Detroit is behind you uh and you're inching through traffic as there's just every dumb old dipshit car that runs on wood and good vibes Becker, you would have been jizzing in a high-speed pursuit through Woodward Ave. Oh, yeah. You would have loved it. This was your dream. But me, because my brain works, it was my night.

Nonpluss. Yeah, yeah, because I'm not on the spectrum. I was pissed. When you're saying, uh, texting your dumbasses as you were like, hey, what's up good buddies? Which I mean, I know that means he's about to ask for something. hey sweet chums are we good to go in an hour that's you lund this is how i read it of course you know yeah pissed and scared scared and scared a bunch of shit on me yeah and then instead of your face it's a pig with

dollars in its eyes that's like that's your avi in the group chat uh yeah so i'm like yeah i don't know what the time constraints are i think i replied passive aggressively and uh because becker's got to be somewhere Becker, what you're doing the, they're doing a reveal of like a hotter, uh, mini mouse. Is that what's going on? No, but it's just as bad. What is it? Uh, it's the, they finally redid the film.

They found out how many licks it takes to get to the center of the Tootsie Pop. Yeah, they redid the film from the original Ninja Turtles movie. So now it's in 4K Ultra HD and it's showing a movie theaters for two nights. And I got a ticket for this when I thought we would have been in Seattle for the weekend. oh good you're complaining about it too welcome to my dabs i'm not i'm not complaining at all i'm just saying like i plan this out because i knew like oh this will be perfect we're together that weekend i'll already have everything done and then i can go to the movie and eat a giant pizza afterwards

so now in the in the sewer yeah yeah with a rat yeah i'm going to cosmo and a scared journalist who you dressed in a yellow jumpsuit yeah yeah god i'd love to fuck april o'neal which which movie theater. Alamo draft house? Oh, holy shit. Hey, answer Lund's question. What'd you say?

Is it an Alamo draft house? No, they're showing it in like most movie theaters, just not Trinidad, not one's that small, but most Megaplexes are having it yesterday and today. Hey, viewer, go back to rewind this about 20 seconds to when Becker said the name, Page Turco, and then I said, hey, answer Lund's question, you will see. see Becker's actual legitimate horny face and it was

it was frozen there as he as I said when I said answer Lund's question and he had to spin the fucking hash soaked wheels backwards a little bit yeah he was stuck he was caught frozen in his horny face and it was it was really unpleasant

to behold and seared now like like a goddamn brand what the fuck was that that, Becker. Dude, Paige Turco is so hot. God, someone clip that fucking face and just loop it like a boomerang for 60 minutes. As Beckers

going. That's too long. Page Turco. Well, the first April's hot, but in a like, my friend's hot mom in the 90s kind of way. You know what? I can tell. I can tell you're not a real fan because I was talking about the cartoons. I was talking about the animated April O'Neill with that fucking brown bob in that crazy yellow jumpsuit that showed them off wearing some kind of not monarch type shoe I think she actually had hospital slippers because she was she was going to kill herself because of a turtle sex she was forced to have

underground in the sewers it depends on the episode sometimes she had like weird converse yeah she had to have a zipper she's literally like girl interrupted yeah she's yeah is it because of all the the forked turtle dick she she had to take in No, it's because she was drawn in like a jumpsuit in, I think, the time, the time travel issues, like 8 through 12. And the animators decided that would be the easiest model to have to send to the Korean animators. And that first batch of 10 episodes was so successful, they threw it in the series. And they were like, kids are dumb. Don't change anything. All right. So I'm in my car. I'm scared.

Less horny than Becker. Lund hits me up and says, Oh, can I have cheeseburger? And I'm like, oh, yeah, you sure can. So I chop on Lund in my mind. Pissy towards you guys. And then it took me like 40 minutes from what was supposed to be a 25-minute drive to get home. With the young kid, was he by himself in the car, following you, gesturing at you? You're muted.

Sorry, I was chewing on a sweet tart. Yes. I initially was behind me doing a lot of like this, you know, this kind of stuff. And I wouldn't be so gun-shy if it weren't for last night's events at the very end of the Shane Gillis evening. Let's just start at the front of this whole thing. So I did, sorry to Seattle. That's why I canceled was to open for Shane Gillis at Little Caesar's Arena, which was a sick, you know, dream come true. seeing my buddy getting to hang with him and also I never really got a bro down with

Sam Maril before Sam Maril I did his podcast you know we might be drunk and that was the only time I've ever been in the same room with him so when we get the itinerary I see that Maril's on also Dave Landau opened in Detroit he was the first comic because he's like from the city which I thought was very nice of Shane to give a guy a dream come true and then a massive check like just a fucking class act this gilless kid and uh so maril dude last night we're in grand rapids and we uh go to a buffalo wild wings after the big show because we want to watch ufc so shane gets the private room upstairs private jet lands in the buffalo wild wings working on top of yeah on top of it yep or a helicopter helicopter with a rope ladder dangles down no

That would have been better. It was actually a team of Navy SEALs that led us from the jump. So, yeah, we had to hop out of the PJ and then parachute down directly on top of the B-dubs, GR. Do my closer last night in Grand Rapids was Grand Rapids, thank you. I keep seeing GR. GR, what's that stand for? Gay rapists. Good night.

That was fun. But anyway, Sam Rural, we get to this Buffalo Wild Wings, dude. They have a Papa Shop machine, you know, the basketball arcade machine. Gene. I mean, the night previous, he was the man. He's super funny. It's just he's, I like Sam now, a lot. Like, but he, dude, I, we, him and I played until our shoulders were fucking numb and our backs were wet. I think we went through $40. And it was $1 a play. So we at least played 40 games at Papa Shop between the two of us. This motherfucker, way too much. Oh, way too much. But we were both very good. Not talking. No, like, like cheering each other on. He, I got, a 109 and Sam got a 122. That was his high score in 60

seconds. The last 10 seconds are three pointers. Everything else is two points. Yeah, no, I was like and then, so I was like, you rule and then we sat down and they got the wings showed up and he sat down and we were both wet with our own sweat. This motherfucker ate 26 wings.

Whoa. Bone in, 26 wings, 1 a.m. drinking fucking vodka tonics. And after he like pushed back, And I was like, dude, if you're trying to fucking impress me, guess what? I'm soaked. You're the man.

122 on Pau-a-Shott and then 26 wings? What are we doing here, man? Yeah. You would love them. Chamberlain. Great. Yeah. Still desk.

Shaquille O'Neal, 2001. And we're talking to shit the entire time we're playing Pop-a-Shatt. Except not to each other, but about comedians. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. That's great. Oh, it was a ball. Anybody trying to get in there, any strangers trying to play bobbasot?

Yes. And you have to like elbow them. Shout out to, uh, shout out to Milky. Shout out to Dawson. Shout out to James. Shout out to Trent. And shout out to Cam. Because little Trent hit up Shane on Instagram and what a great guy he is.

Trent says, hey man, I just had a heart surgery. I got a heart transplant. I'm 24. Uh, we just want to get a picture with you. like and Shane responded hey man I'll get you guys like as many tickets as you need you'll be right up front and then afterwards we're going to Bdubs so they all roll in there and they were awesome they were 24 year old young men they were funny they're all they're like high school football coaches in like rural Michigan one of them was a was a PGA golfer he's on the tour he was all peeled up yeah I saw you I saw you James I saw you easy I James mm-hmm Anyway, real chill. Oh, dude. I mean, there's weed pens going around.

The boys are drinking seltzers. But this kid was like, so when did you know you wanted to be a funny person? And I was like, funny person, huh? Yeah, but he was milked. Glassy. This was a phenomenon this weekend was the people in the green room. for Shane's shows, Little Caesar's Arena, Dave goes out, does 15, I went out, did 15, it was sick, open with the joke about Susanna, you know, the Palestinian joke, huge pop. I got a huge pop,

dude. I played Pentegram through Little Caesar's Arena speakers, and the crew who was on it was the same crew from Bert's tour. It was like that production company. So I was like, boys, great to see you. I didn't remember some of their names. And I turned to the sound guy and I was like, like when I go out and he says I know we're going to 11 so like he rocked the shocks on that dude got a big pop it was just it just felt so good it's cool like it's very different from doing the bert thing where I'm you know one of the people keeping them from seeing bert uh I'm just in the way there I'm a speed bump on the way to uh you know the machinist what if bert rebranded as the machinist he goes down to a hundred

12 pounds damn that got me but yeah that was really cool and then afterward the green room is just NHL stars but they all look like children so I'm standing with Sam Maril who's a devoted

basketball fan but we have no idea who these people are and then there's also the dude who does like the videos on Instagram have you seen the dude who lives in the UP and he makes like videos and they all start and he says like oh hey buddy and then he like makes eggnog very quietly he's at like 3.5 on instagram i know about him uh just because emmy and he was there so we're all chilling and this guy used to play hockey and he keeps telling us about the boys he's like

yeah so that one right there he's trevor he just went from the fucking san jose or the anaheim ducks he's now with the phil's uh philadelphia flyers and uh i think he was that guy over there was on the cover of NHL 23 like they're like studs and then when they finally come over because I'm standing in front of the fridge I got Johnny mock me and Lou Michael back there too um shout out Ian he was back there too but we're standing in front of the beer fridge talking to Sam Rill having fun and then those kids came up and they're like hey what's up bud you're a fucking stud huh look at you you're out there you're fucking good but you wailed out there you fucking put them on the boards there but hey what's your name again you're both what like Dave your Dave

you're Dave? And I was like, no, I'm Sam. And he was like, I'm Sam. And he's like, oh, yeah, you guys came out. And I was like, who are these fucking turds? But then, man, you were shining. You were good. What did he say? He kept saying there were sparks coming off you. God, yeah, really just chirping. Oh, yeah. Dude, it was awesome. That has, that has taken over an entire generation of young men, the hockey men. Oh, dude, it was so funny. I don't want to out any of them for like what they were up to. Let's just say a lot of beers were being drank. And I'm passing my weed pen around to like Dave Landau's grandparents.

And, uh, fucking, so we're getting high. And this kid comes up and he's, you know, he hits me, you know, me and Sam, very complimentary, very kind. And then I'm like, so I hear that you're like a hockey stud. Like, is this true? And he's like, oh, you know, no, I, I don't what to do with the puck. I'm like, I'm very sorry. I don't know you.

I don't watch hockey. And he's like, why would you watch hockey, dude? You know? He's like, just so self-effacing. so kind and then like I'm holding a pen and he's like what chitudan on what's that in your hand there and I did the story about the weed pen popping in mackina Island you know that story about driving across the bridge and he's like hopefully this thing doesn't snap in my hand and so he's really nice and then he just grabs it fucking rips the shit out of it and said uh oh they're gonna hear

that one they're gonna smell that one in heaven bud I was like everything everything this kid said was just like awesome and I've never heard anyone speak this way in real life. And so we chop it up with him for like 40 minutes, man. I'm throwing beers across the room. And then this kid walks up and he's like, hey, man, what's your name? He's another hockey kid. He plays like, IHL hockey. And I was like, hey, man, I'm Sam. He's like, hey, bud, T-bone. And I was like, excellent. All right, T-bone, welcome. Tell us about yourself. And he's like, hey, man, I didn't know who you were tonight. But like, my brother's over there. And he's a huge fan. This was his birthday wish. I called my buddy. I said, can you get my bro.

in so we're here with our dad and he's over without a head no he's just a wide he's just they're all just wide men there's the heart transplant kid there's the no head guy yes yes there's the legs instead of arms family

hold on a minute the gator twins got the alligator twins obviously you know they got real long jaws oh my god this is mysterious. Oh, man. It was Emmy.

Yeah, so yeah, there's all just, they're not mutants in any way, but they are like a different type of dude and they're a jock, which I understand, but like I never knew hockey jocks. So I'm high as hell, but then T-bone says, hey, my brother's over there. He's a huge

fan. So I'm like, lead the way, T-bone. So as all these hockey studs walk, or watch me, I walk up and I have my phone. And the kid's name is Tucker. And he's standing with a group of other hockey studs so I get my phone out and I just hold it up to all their testicles

you know and I get to Tucker and I go Bibi B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B B Uh oh Chode Chode Detected That's how I meet little Tucker who is a huge fan and the dad loves it I'm in I'm doing bits over there

I like fake that I'm gonna pants Tucker I almost pants it The hockey guys called it rigging They're like, oh, he must rigged his shorts. And I was like, I don't know where you guys are from, but take me in so I can study the language. So, yeah, Tucker, he's cool. But then his dad's like cool. He's proud of his boys.

Shane comes over and he's like, Shane, I got to tell you something. This is my boy Tucker, which his 20th birthday today. He's named after Tucker Carlson. And I went, uh-oh, dad's bombing. I hit him immediately. Uh-oh, dad's bombing. And, like, Dad has a look in his face. Like, he thought it was going to be really cool.

And Shane laughs really hard as well. And now he's lost his base. He thought naming his 20-year-old son 20 years ago after Tucker Carlson was his inn. And it was the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Oh, yeah. I thought maybe Marshall Tucker band. No. That would make sense.

That would be awesome. Justin Tucker, best kicker ever. Got in a little trouble. I can't remember for what? I think it was massage stuff, so that's bad. So not him. Maybe a turtle that you had as a kid named Tucker. That'd be much better than after Tucker Carlson, who is for sure in the CIA,

Tucker Carlson's dad, CIA, Tucker Carlson applies for the CIA. Turn down. Next thing you know, out of nowhere. He's with the Nelk boys putting Zins over. Everything's a fucking work, brother. Epstein's alive. It's all upside down. I got to turn it inside out.

Epstein was at Little Caesar's Arena. He was there. You see him in the Rafters. Watching. He's in Shane's booth. He's doing the cold play thing with... I don't know. Salina.

Selina's alive. And Alia's up there too. He's wearing Alia like a hockey mask. He just has their pussy on his face. He's in between the two of them. Yeah. Rubbing on their clits. Just like on the Jumbotrons.

Just rubbing them. There was a Selena song in a movie recently, and it brought me back to, like, a little boy just singing along to a Mexican sensation. It was such a funny thing to just listen to the radio. Selina was a big deal to me when I was nine or whatever. What? What? This is awesome. Looking out the window.

No way. I wasn't. Yeah. Well, I didn't buy her stuff or anything, but they're. radio man i listen to the radio and she was nuts she was you know she had like three songs off that album and then she was gone but yeah she was a little sleigh for him uh if i could take you in my arms and never let you go i could fall in love With you, I could fall in love with you.

Yeah, little boy, little boy in Chicago with the accent that your wife gets during launch a week. I've got that accent. Sweets and in Evergreen Park because those summer nights turn the air off and open the windows. Yeah. Oh, man. And listen to Selena. Dude.

I didn't dress up for her as her for Halloween or anything I looked more like the lady that killed Salina as a young fat boy Yeah of course Of course And she was ridiculous

Adult Yeah Total quigua Yeah Yeah A guigua She's a quagueness Guit though

I wonder how I wonder how tall she was She was always wearing like a little business suit with heels but I'll bet she was 411 dude she was like as tall as she was wide yeah garbage can

and so were you as a little boy oh yeah she took selina away from me they put Lund in a wagon and everyone thinks it's an ice cooler on wheels they think it's an igloo but it's a boy

wearing red shorts damn i never knew that you liked i never knew you liked selina oh come on well yeah you guys are younger she was massive yeah whenever that was 95 or something i don't know but yeah fucking fucking 94 uh yeah and i listened to the radio i didn't have a cool dad who was showing me the way with fucking vinyl man i was on the radio doing my research i really thought all the best songs were on the radio because it's people's old job yeah To find the best music. I was what they get on there.

I was what it work, except talent is found. It shines. It's found. It's nurtured. It's pushed, promoted. Yeah. God, that was good. Just a little boy looking up at the sky.

Yeah. I wonder if Celina's looking at the same stars as me. The stars on the radio. Stars out at night. shit shit i like the idea uh that you're not supposed to smoke in there your but mike is like what the fuck man you're not at home and you're like hey i'm working oh yeah you're at some dude's house yeah he smokes he's smoking right now is he is he listening to us no he can't hear you is he jealous that only you can talk to us yes yes rightfully so hmm so yes we did uh we did the little

Caesar's and then we flew private and that was funny a plate of fruit uh you know what's it's i get it you know save save an hour spend 30k i'm right there with you gilly and uh jeez christ well the thing is though it's like that's like me spending three hundred dollars i think is like him spending you know he makes a lot of money he's doing very well right there's some type of yeah uh tier right and so it yeah it's not like a crazy splurge technically my god sounds like you had a couple of crazy nights my friend and if you're crazy well hey a ball in real quick real quick i just put a bow on this yeah of course because you're not going to talk about it after this well i'm gonna forget it but i know that you're a company man

and you really love reading the ads um i just want to fucking get it out of the way i understand i got to go see weapons are you seeing it in theaters yeah damn that rules Yeah, hopefully Megan doesn't change your mind. Yeah, we're panties. And so we, last night, we do that little Caesars, or we do Grand Rapids. It's good. Susanna came, got to see me in there. And she, you know, backstage, all access, her and Hannah, had a blast.

Susanna. Headphones on? No, no. She's here in every fucking word. But she's five. She doesn't understand what I'm talking about. One, it's not the, it's also not the same as like Metallica or a pro. football game where there's, well, she got blasted by Benegram when you came out.

It sounds like, yeah, real hard. But, you know, I did, I did say, she's walking in front of a big speaker. It gets blown away. It gets blown. Yeah, like up to the third row. Get shot into the crowd. She's sitting in some guys nachos. That'd be great.

Sorry. No, that'd be really funny. So anyway, she's fine. She gets tough. Just hit into the air like a beach ball. Yeah, she's like hanging from their like IHL hockey team banner. She's up there. Sammy!

I'm pissed. She's like stealing focus. I'm up there. I'm sweating. I'm bombing because everyone's looking up at her. Sammy. Yeah, I get it. Oh, yeah.

I've only been doing this 20 years. but look at the dangling Arab. Yes, that's great. Susanna, she kept kicking me in the shin. And then I was like, you have to stop. This sucks. And then she was like, shut your eyes.

And I was like, okay, if I shut my eyes and you kick me in the shin, you're a liar. And she's like, I'm not going to. Shut my eyes. She kicked me. I took her shoe and I threw it down the hallway. And I said, liars don't get shoes, Susanna. Liars limp. Yes.

And I put much a Legos down, made her walk through them. But, and then made her eat the one she didn't step on, fucking, so we're sitting, there's a game room backstage and there's just every box of movie theater candy back there. So she's, she's eating fucking orange window pain like Uncle Tim. She's losing her mind. And she asked me, what's the worst candy you ever had? I said black licorice. And then she says, okay, what's the worst bed you've ever slept in? I said, Alamosa, Colorado, I had to sleep on a bunch of two by fours with Rick

Brian and Brett Hiker. She asked me, what's the worst place you've ever, you know, just what's the worst? What's the worst? What's the worst? And then she's sitting in Hannah's lap on a beanbag chair and she says, and this is exactly what me and Hannah here, what's the worst pussy you've ever had? What the fuck? Yes.

You know when you hear something that is so funny that you can't laugh at it, but much like when Becker got lost in his horny face she said what's the worst pussy you ever had and I just kind of went and slowly sat down in a beanbag chair that was behind me as Hannah is Hannah laughs so hard that

Susanna starts crying and says what what mommy what mommy and Hannah is cackling cackling Susanna starts grabbing her by the cheeks saying what why are you laughing why are you laughing I'm sitting over there just like spinning. I don't know what to do because there's no way that my niece asked me what the worst pussy I ever had was, but that is what I heard. And that is what Hannah heard as well. And I can tell because Hannah's getting screamed at for laughing too hard by her dog.

So I just kind of, yeah, I just kind of sit there like waiting for someone to do something. Like I want to pull the fire alarm. I don't know what to do. It was so funny, but also so impossible. So it's like when Aunt Pam fell off the fucking bench for the first time. I'm like, well, this is as good as it gets. There's no more, there's no more empires to conquer. That's why she, that'd be funny if she like, it was her gag. Every time she wanted attention, she'd fall over again. Go over, roll around. Yeah.

Dog mechanics. Little kids have it right at the family reunion. They're the ones that get remembered. So you might as well follow their lead. Yeah, just copy them. Eat some shit. Anyway, long story short, it ended up, what's the worst plushy you've ever had? Plushies being what she calls stuffed animals, aka squish mellows.

What's the worst plushie you've ever had? I said that my friend Andy Quinn had an E.T. stuffed that he had on his bed as a kid and it gave me nightmares. And then I just went, Hannah, I got to go. and walked away because of how fun it was. So last night, after the show, Shane goes outside. We leave the Buffalo Wild Wings 2 a.m. There's been kids outside because one of the crew, probably Milky, is on Snapchat posting photos of him and Shane, video of him and Shane in real time,

get outside, swarmed. Shane's very nice, very generous, takes pictures. with everyone there for like 15 minutes me and samarillo are like this is not what i would want to be doing right now god bless him uh when he goes to get in the car these kids run across the street across the very busy thoroughfare in grand rapids they run over and they say oh my god fucking shane gillis bro what's up he's like quick let's get a pick Shane has the door open the car's in traffic when they run in front of traffic the other way a car stops And a guy rolls down the window and he says,

why would you do something dumb like that? It's 2 a.m. You could have got killed. You all run in front of the car. And they immediately are like, fuck you, you old bitch. You don't know who this is.

You're fucking talking to a goat. Like, fuck you. Get out and say that shit. And the guy very calmly says, a lot of people have guns. I have guns. I have a gun right here.

And they're like, well, fucking get out and fire it. Like, try and get out. You're not going to kill us. Shane Gillis. The guy says, the guy says very calmly he says all right i'm going to turn around at the end of the block and come

and shoot you guys so Shane's like oh fuck you fucking hops in shuts the door uh and then our car our driver right through a red light almost takes the fucking front off of a camry in this giant suburban stomper and just peels through downtown grand rapids which it's like 2 a m 130 a m there's just people everywhere. This guy is almost killing so many people. He almost ran over so many drunk 22-year-olds that it was like the best night. It was one of the best most fulfilling weekends of stand-up. It's a real, it's a real, it's an unfathomable thing to be able to do Little Caesar's Arena. Like that's really beyond the pale of imagination. And that was as scary as that was like rewarded. It was such an insane end to what was an otherwise.

me and Samaril, browing down, new pals, me and Shane, old pals, talking, catching up, talking shit. And then, like, almost murdered. And then the driver almost killing kids for like three blocks because he's just like passing cars. He acted like, you know, it was Fallujah. It was very, very intense. When also acting like the, like Shane's the target, as opposed to these two kids who are not in the car. Right, right, right, exactly. The guy is mad at these two. youths not but obviously he doesn't want to be shot right and that was the concern is the collateral damage so yeah big weekend that was I was on in the PJ but hey that sounds like a crazy night Sam

and if you're crazy night out went a little too far just like you cash app as you covered great maybe great company Maybe your wallet ended up in the wrong hands. But luckily, maybe you got told to grab some sky. But luckily, maybe you got stuck up by a stick-em-up kid. Shit.

Becker, maybe we should do the unedited version of these on the Patreon. Yeah. Yeah, maybe some young, some young entrepreneur stuck you for your billfold, you know? Maybe you lost your pigskin. He lost 250 at Papa Shot. Yeah, who knows? Well, if any of that happens, the money in your cash app account is safe and sound. I'll tell you that.

It doesn't, you could have all the guns in the world. And you couldn't get at my cash app. And look, having a gun is a protected Second Amendment right. And you know what is not your right in modern America, though, is having your financial money. safe because so much stuff is done online now. Cash app is working to protect you, the consumer, from getting ripped off in the digital

underground. That's right. Probably Beckers' favorite rap group, too, if I had to guess. Shut up. Shut up. Fucking weiner. If a suspicious transaction pops up on your card, Cash app has your back. Are you

back to the sweet tarts? Yeah. I ate Becker. So you can chomp away. You can buy sweet tarts with Cash app for sure. by automatically declining the purchase and sending you a heads up to confirm if it's you or not. Did you spend this money, bitch?

No? I got you. How, yeah, you've been to the ATM at Dave and Buzz, or at Buffalo Wild Wings four times. What's going on? Is that you? Is that you?

Can we get some more ones? Sure. And then at one point, Sam Meryl, said you know Shane's going to give you like a thousand dollar tip right right yeah chin up buddy it's a good night yeah i was thinking it but then sam just was like you know you're going to get like a thousand bucks for like giving us some ones every now and then i was like damn sam yeah maybe uh yeah maybe uh maybe uh tonight's not such a bad night after all now another thing

about at suco sam anyway so we love cash out and people of all kinds take it and it's the best man. Does that the copy? Well, I could read it. Behind the scenes, you can rest assured knowing your account balance is protected by 24 7 fraud monitoring. And if something ever feels off, lock your

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you can spend, save, and live your life knowing your money is right where you left it with advanced built-in security protections you count on and help when you need it. Spend with peace of mind today in order a cash app card in the app or at cash. dot app slash card for a limited time only new cash app customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash for real. Just download cash app. Use our exclusive referral code chubby in your profile. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days. and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply, that's money, that's Cash App.

Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank, banking services provided by Cash App's bank partners, prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, member FDIC, instant discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc brand. Visit Cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Robber C.U. is a piece of ass. Get peace of mind. with cash ass what if it was called cash ass and it was like an app that you could download

and then it turned your button to an ATM well what if you you could just like twist your nipple put your pincoe I thought you were going to describe cash ass

cash and exchange for sex no no idea no I took it to the next level which is a app that you download and it turns your button to an ATM and it's like all your money you eat your money once a month and that's all you're allowed to spend yeah and then you like put your pin code in boop boop beep boop boop and then fire out a bunch of blue bills put it on the

cowboys to cover go to the casino just fucking shit a bunch of money on the roulette table that would rule certainly uh i'm certainly excited for football for a lot of reasons but putting some money down is up there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I want to lose some money again. I wet my whistle last night with UFC just because we were watching them and lost everything. But it was pretty cool. Dude, shout out to that fucking that Chechnan guy who like had the Palestinian flag. And if you see her to this guy. Dude. No, I haven't been following UFC. I know there's some there's some Chechen and some Kazakhstanian warriors that are dominating. Yeah, there was like, Whites.

There was like a... Aren't happy about it. Like who I'm supposed to cheer for? Right. Gajna gav or skanskambidoche. Yeah. I want to see the hammer Chuck Johnson. Right.

Against Dan. The machinist. He's tiny. So thin. He has a superpower and it's shrinking. No one can hit him. Oh. Just gets inside of your body.

Gets in your mouth, comes out. ass sweet tarts hurt you yeah how many wings did you have uh man did you have four and a half wings i plead the fifth yeah you had three wendy's burgers i bet you didn't have all you didn't eat all three right yeah i ate all three you've you fucking burger checking me you guys forget that you're trapped in here with me i'm not trapped in here with you all right i just i put on the human face and i control myself because that's what adults do but every now and then that fucking dark passenger whistles my secret song and I start fucking throbbing just like you guys I get that I it's not even that I'm not cucking you and acting like it's cooler to eat too much I'm saying I've seen you be physically

limited to where you can't finish eating something because you're full your stomach is full or whatever your brain is telling you to stop eating right no I understand you marvel at my feats of self-control and I like that well it's not even self-control it's medicinal control you put a chastity belt on well you know what at least i put that belt on you're still fucking walking backwards with your pants down through the cornfield so i had macdonalds two days ago on burger king yesterday how about that hey buddy here's something you could do set an alarm on your phone for tuesday to remember to take your medicine so you can be on your tuesday schedule yeah yeah i'm gonna do that no you're not you're going to think that you're

I'm leaving Las Vegas. No, you're fucking, you think you're looking at your phone, but it's actually a Swiss roll, isn't it? You just picked up a Swiss roll and you saw your reflection in it, but it was just because you've been polishing it and the cellophane. Yeah, you're leaving Las Vegas. You're eating Las Vegas. You could, dude, you could go to the hard fat grill right now and they'd be like, whoa, we got a real one. No, wait. How big, how heavy do you have to be?

350. Yeah, man. I can't be 350. you probably are definitely can't shoot for 350 no yeah no you're like currently 350 as i look at you i think becker what do you think i don't know what what were what were you the last time you weighed in you said like 315 314 was the last time i was on a scale which wasn't that long ago yeah i could be 325 i don't think i am though that's all right i think i'm maxed out you know i just don't want to have to fucking buy a leather

tuxedo. You know what I mean? Come on. We're finally, we're finally making hay. And we have to let the sunshine on our sweet rumps. Shane, of course, had nothing nice things to say about my weight loss. Yeah.

Of course. My good buddy, Shane, he loved it. He also loved that. I wasn't drinking. Too thin? No, no. He was just like, he tried to bust my balls a little bit. And then I had this exact same shirt on. And he was like, and I was like, dude, say whatever you want.

But I'm wearing new materials because I can finally fit in clothes. And he was like, yeah, that's pretty cool. He's like, I got to slow the brakes. I got to put the brakes on. I was like, you're not fat, dude. I was 350 pounds. Like you're fine. Like, you and I are not the same.

He didn't like that. Uh, it's a lot of fun. Him and I just fucking trying to make each other flinch for 40, 48 hours. And then at the end of the night, last night, we get in the elevator and he's just like, we just like tell each other how much we love each other and how, you know, it's us and no one can compete with us and how we're the best and everyone else sucks. I just love them dearly. I'm going to try and get you guys in the same guest house with them.

We're going to try and go to Pensacola. I said, let's round up our best boys and go to Pensacola for a week. Nice. Yeah. When? I don't know. Right after Christmas. I'll be at Sisyphus Brewing.

No, but I'll be, I'll be at the Charlotte, I'll be at the Charlotte Comedy Zone next weekend, and then Mohegan's Sun, and then the Stress Factory, and SamTalat.com's got all your tickets. Get over there. Charlotte, Lund's going to be there. I think Bonzo, no,

we're going to go see Bonzo on Sunday. I'll be there. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm trying to get him to come to the shows, Becker. Now, everyone loves Becker. I meant to say, when you asked for pictures of Bonzo, I meant to say,

I don't take pictures of Bonzo. Bonzo takes pictures of me. I kept forgetting to throw that in there. You know, I asked for those pictures of Bonzo on Thursday, and I was so stoked to see you reply at three in the afternoon on Sunday. So it's not, it wasn't three. Oh, okay. Was it on Sunday?

Yeah. Yeah. Because I didn't think I had any. You never have your phone on you. I get it. I didn't have that in my phone. It was in my weird drop box that like, yeah. I was trying to go through some shit and delete some shit from my Dropbox because I'm sick of them saying, you have to pay us.

I blasted you for that, too. I had a rather arduous trip into my home from the airport. You were scared. You were threatened. You didn't feel safe. Yeah, I was just stuck in traffic with a bunch of cars that Becker would be nutting over. And I was like, this is so stupid. You normally keep it to no more than seven over the speed limit.

And all of a sudden, you're offroading going vertical on a hillside. I like to drive safe. I know that's not the popular opinion on this podcast, but it's all good. No, I'm just saying Becker and I would have felt fine going vertical because we drive a little crazier than you. Yeah, you would have been fine going vertical. Yes, 100%. I go vertical all the time. Yeah, your blood pressure.

I'm talking about getting an automobile that you're driving. When somebody's taking too long getting through the drive-thru. Yeah, when you ask for barbecue and they give you honey mustard. you're like yeah and you got to zip back through you got to let them know yeah that's when you're that's your falling down moment hey my fly's been down this whole time that's cool we couldn't see it wonder if my dwangus was out that was your little secret no i think we would have mentioned it when you said something about uh smoking hurting our views yeah might have might have let you know hey speaking of speaking of getting in trouble

Speaking of things, the algorithm doesn't like. I missed Charlotte last year. I didn't do Charlotte. No, I had to reschedule because of the Tim Dillon thing. Okay. Yeah, okay. Well, yeah, I haven't been. We had those friends in Pittsburgh that mentioned that they did not like Charlotte,

and I wonder why. I had a guess. We went on the boat. oh yeah jugs of poppin and old red they were like we didn't like charlotte too many black people or what I don't think that's what they meant I don't they did not live there

they didn't live there very long and they didn't enjoy it and I but I was curious like what are they doing wrong in old Charlotte town it hasn't been the same since Larry Johnson got traded to the Knicks there's all those birds maybe they kept flying into the massive declatage provided by our friend

whose name I'm not going to say despite talking to her a lot online she uh well she reads books so like where we talk about books a lot on uh instagram yeah she's cool oh okay she's not just a sweet huge pair no but they are pretty sweet and huge becker you would probably not know what to do with her because she has a woman's body um but i'd like to educate you i'd like to educate you i'd like to educate you on the ways of love making. Okay. Wouldn't that be a fucking pay,

that'd be a cool Patreon tier if we, for like a thousand dollars a month and you have to be subscribed for a full year up front. So for 12K, we will watch you make love to your partner and give you cool tricks and sweet saves. Sweet saves. The last thing I want to do is see our fans having sex.

Well, that'd be tough. You can go ahead. and take that, take that job. Can I have all the money? Yeah, yeah, because there's going to be, it's going to be a lot of people begging for you to teach them. The ways of being told, no,

not have sex because there's eight people downstairs and the walls are thin and we have to leave in 20 minutes. And then I say, well, here's what you do. You tell her, you'll hit her with the two cues, quick, quiet. That's what you say. Tell her, you want to give her the old cue ball shuffle. And, uh, yeah. Yeah, I'll be quick and quiet.

I meant to, uh, mention it earlier, but you got to check out the Patreon. We should have said it with Cash App. Now Cash App's going to get all of the sweet, sweet clicks, but we have a Patreon, Patreon. Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. So, uh, if you're not in there, check it out. It's almost five years strong. Also, we're almost, I mean, we're at like five years total because we started. the Patreon, pretty much when we started the pod five years ago. Crazy.

2020. God, so many years ago. Just watched Eddington and that takes place in 2020. Ari Aster's new movie. Yeah, I saw it. Takes place in 2020. Wasn't that weird to go back to that? All of that.

It was kind of broad strokes, but. Yeah. It was clearly by people who did not grow or like actually. exist in the communities that they were trying to skewer like having been to uh rural new mexico a bunch in rural colorado and like my dad being in elizabeth during 2020 like it was so melodramatic but uh we've got the hollywood elites made a bunch of people in the flyovers look small and ignorant that's great that's gonna fucking save a lot of shit that's gonna solve the problem okay you're mad at ari aster no it was just like

Dude, like go to New Mexico before, you know, anyway, whatever. I like some of them, some of them had the New Mexico accent. And that was kind of cool. Yeah, the white girl. Yeah, yeah. That was wrong. That would have been funny. Now, then people would have been excited.

Yes. I thought it was good, but yeah, I mean, it was kind of all over the place, whatever. I like him a lot. I like his films. I'm curious if there's supposed to be like a follow up with the religious cult or if that was just supposed to. to be a fringe thing with that you don't fully get. I just hate when movies exist in a very like, they work really hard and they sweat. They don't do it with like any grace.

They like, you can very, very much see that they're trying to establish that this could really happen to you in the real world. And this is all based on things that happen. And there's precedent for the choices that the characters are making. And then halfway through they throw some insane curveball and they devalue the legitimate of the versimilitude that they work so hard to establish and with eddington spoiler alert three two one with the whole like george soros like antifa jet that's flying in like i thought that that was like oh okay so we're not gonna fucking think about human beings in the real world where we're skewering

someone and we're skewering everyone i mean those movies just end up towards the end i mean the substance was like so guilty of this of just like putting their fists out on both sides and spinning like Bart Simpson they're so they're so fucking eager to check every box of like awareness and like you know political commentary and I think that that is heavy-handed and ultimately devalues the intelligence of the viewer damn it's funny to imagine shit I've ever said that was uh you and the boys on the PJ was uh yeah you had antifa stuff and uh big banners that say white men are the problem or whatever. Yeah, for sure.

We're counter-protesting at Shane shows just to get it in the news. GR, what's that stand for? Gay rapists. Did you, you said that before the, you said that in the chat, right? You said that opener said that? I said I was going to open it. in Grand Rapids, but instead, I closed on it. Okay.

That's fun. That's a choice. Obviously it paid off, so that's good. Oh, yeah, it was good, man. You're doing 15 minutes in, like, front of, you know, 20, 25,000 people in the round is so strange. Because, like, everywhere you look is the most people you've ever seen. Yeah. You like can't look away.

How many people do you think knew you? Oh, bunch. I mean, my special is on Shane's channel. Right, right, right. yeah yeah i'm curious like you said with chrycher you're in the way they don't know who you are yeah they know four yeah they know four comics one of them's chrisher right uh the other ones are dead yeah two of them and you you yeah so you get them but you don't know at what point you're going to get them or whatever when they're going to start listening whatever there's some

uncertainty or whatever but with shane it must have been good uh familiarity right away they know you you can tell so then that's like you said more fun and sort of like worrying about how it might go yeah it was bonkers like Dave landau did a good job 15 minutes a lot of local stuff but like when he said hey this next guy is headlining at mark ridley's in october welcome to the stage sam talent it was real big and like the aisle i'm walking through like people are standing up going for high fives like yeah you felt i felt like a fucking certifiable rock star and then you're on stage and you're like, oh, now I got to, now I got to fucking earn it, you know, but that walk to the stage is like a really liberating, beautiful moment. And then you're just doing stand-up and

spinning slowly. That's weird because you're in the round. So you're like going to the ring. You're fucking, yeah, in the octagon. You're, yeah, yeah, interesting. I had a funny bit. That must have been even weirder than the Chrysher shows, you're backstage than you're on stage. this is uh god yeah you're in fucking madison square garden you're on the floor also he sets up on the floor there's seats everywhere available in there and they're all sold so like there's you look up you're like well that's a lot of people down here but what's going on oh there's three tiers of you know giant human faces but uh i said i know and i can't see myself on these four jumbotrons because around the stage for every direction east north south

And the other one, what is the other one? Breast. And I said, you know, I can't see myself up there, but I'm assuming camera guys that you can probably zoom out. And then there's a beat. And then the crowd laughs super hard because the camera guys actually did zoom out. So that was a fun little thing to, you know, accidentally riff in an arena. And it goes well.

That was fun. But this podcast was fun. seeing a movie with your wife is fun Oh yeah, I gotta go Smoking in a bando is fun And I decided to see you guys on Thursday In Charlotte, get your tickets Yeah, long, long weekend

Yeah, Lund, buy your tickets now Thick, thick hang