Chubby Behemoth - Gumming Down A Shuriken

Episode Date: October 26, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     SPONSORS: Cash App - Download Cash App Today & use code SECURE10 at sign up: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod. Cash App is a ...financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.     Hims ED - Support the show by going to hims.com/CHUBBY for your personalized ED treatment options.     Factor - Eat smart @ FactorMeals.com/toomany50off & use code toomany50off to get 50% off your first box, plus Free Breakfast for 1 year!     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week Nathan is back and the boys are joined by Alaina Bamfield in Burlington VT. Sam defends the use of worm, sat in the slumpys for a while, and tells Nathan about the time he drank all the greenroom beers. Nathan would have been mad if he hadn’t got ten hours of sleep, imagines a new pope, and reveals the origin of Old Sid. Alaina tells the boys about her freak blood lineage, has pictures of Sam in wigs, and tries to convince the boys green jello is apple flavor. 1 or 2 hotdogs a day. He chose the one for babies.     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   MORE WIDE WORLD: @SamTallent   More Alaina Bamfield: https://www.instagram.com/alainabamfield/?hl=en

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Yeah. Because you could get a job as the little girl who goes through the, like, the tennis racket. What the fuck do you mean? You know what I'm talking about? No, not a tennis. Oh, yeah. That was a classic contortionate bit where they would take the netting out of the tennis racket. Oh.
Starting point is 00:00:12 And then they would have a tiny, like, fucking freak, you know, slinky their way through it. Freak through it. Yeah. I mean, if anyone in here could apply for an active job at a freak show or some kind of geek pit, it's you. I think that's probably true. Yeah. you're like incredibly strong like i've said i think you have like ant strength yeah i do have aunt strength i'm pretty good at picking picking stuff up if i need to i don't know my dog when she
Starting point is 00:00:39 had her knee surgery i had to pick her up everywhere for like a couple months save the a material we're uh we're here uh you've begged for it now you're getting it me and lund and becker are back with some guy uh you love these episodes we have some random dude on you know he tells us about his girlfriend's period, typically jizzing. Oh, yeah. Right? When did you last jizz? Who jizzed, currently, jizz?
Starting point is 00:01:07 Right. Why does it smell like jizz in here? Oh, yeah, because Becker was in the bathroom. Becker wanted to set the record straight right away. He's like, it doesn't smell like jizz in there. Yeah. It was a lady dothed too much. Like he was under oath.
Starting point is 00:01:22 Yeah. Like his hand was on a Bible. There's been a lot of rumors floating around. I've just been getting a lot of. a lot of dms with dj gt well hey bring it up again genius i don't care she doesn't stand for genius uh yes it'd be very funny to go in front of a jury and be like
Starting point is 00:01:40 your honor the 12 men and women who are here and you moon i respect your gender identity the first nb juror yes the first nbb sure and hey bailiff you're nb too nice bible i saw that but uh I just want to let you guys know.
Starting point is 00:01:59 A lot of people are saying the bathroom reeks like jizz, and it may, but it wasn't me. Becker, that was you earlier. There's a palm tree touching me like they're taking a picture with me after the show. I was getting tickled by a palm frond. Next time that happens, I'm making pineapple puree, dude. I'm going to punch through someone's chest. I'm sorry to whoever got a group picture with us who was a big fan.
Starting point is 00:02:27 And then he just, he, like, made some, he was, he said it was, asked if it was okay to touch me in the picture. I said, yeah, of course, I'm going to touch you. And then he just kind of did a little, like, adjusting of his arm, but nothing weird. But that's when I said, he just beaned at my bag. Oh, gross. And he got scared, like, Becker being accused of, it's girl targeting. Yeah. It was very funny, though, because Nathan was like, no, I was just, he was like, I'm so, I'm so sorry.
Starting point is 00:02:52 That same kid was the rugby kid. He's a listener. Good kid. Strong young man. I accused him of Rugbery. He also adjusted his hand quite conveniently in the small of my back. So I think this was a premeditated measure for him.
Starting point is 00:03:04 And how does this feel, fellas? That was my hand. Do you guys feel like ladies? Hold on. That was my hand. That was you. That was me fucking with you. So it's coming from inside the house.
Starting point is 00:03:15 Whoa. So you're a gay target or two? No, I like, you're a grope terrorist. I like lost my way to. You are a gay terrorist. No, I like lost my footing a little bit and felt it happened. And I was like, he didn't even check.
Starting point is 00:03:26 You stopped short standing? Yeah, I was falling. Oh, my God. You know what? Falling slowly. We'll call him Glenn Hansa. Yeah, no. It's not good. I'm not a fan of being objectified, touched fondled.
Starting point is 00:03:36 I never said it was cool for women. I know, I know. All right. I just was just a phone. I know how you kids are, you know, with wanting to point the finger. Yeah. Well, you know, there's four point in your case, five pointing back. I counted them.
Starting point is 00:03:52 Nice try. You were doing that one arm pull up earlier. I saw that you have six on one, four on the other. Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. You told a total of ten. Your parents said, yeah, as long as she's got ten fingers and ten toes, but he didn't specify how they should be distributed.
Starting point is 00:04:09 My grandpa had an extra toe. In a jar? He had two extra toes and one extra finger. He was actually from Alaska, and it was in a bottle of whiskey. He had an extra. Would he ever, like, get you with it? I don't know. He was dad by the time I was a lot.
Starting point is 00:04:25 He was dead by the time I was alive. Whatever he did, he'd be like, hey, don't get mad at me. I was given a little evil finger. I can't be held responsible. Yeah, he had like a weird like crab claw pinky. Oh, God. Yeah, like an extra one, like growing out, kind of like a tree limb. Yeah, where it comes out of it.
Starting point is 00:04:42 Yeah. So you have freak blood. Yeah, I do. He had forked pinky is what you're telling me? Kind of, yeah. Double pink. Forked pink, double pink and then double. Two on the pink.
Starting point is 00:04:52 Two pinky toes as well. I might have. crazy kids with crazy if you have any kids it'll be crazy yeah that'd be nuts if you bore children but um but yeah the extra toes got chopped off
Starting point is 00:05:07 I don't think you got to keep them on perp on perp yeah really they did let me keep my dog's arthritis when they did her knee surgery my mom's toes were webb do you have any freakery in your family alcoholism racism yeah you're dead my uncle
Starting point is 00:05:22 my dad thought my uncle couldn't figure out how to get out of the garage as opposed to killing himself on purpose? He was like, yeah, he had trouble with that garage door. That's a garage door. It's a real killer. He knew how to close it, but he forgot how to open it. It's like, you just do it backwards, bud. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:42 So, yeah. You keep minding that bait on this pod. Have you told the story yet? What? About that? Yes. Okay. Like ones.
Starting point is 00:05:51 Okay. Well, I didn't know if you were, if you, I was hoping you, would tap it more like maple syrup he wasn't traumatized he didn't know that uncle no he didn't know that he didn't know no it sucked because my dad always said that it was this like accident because dude was drunk and he died before i was born so i didn't get to meet him and he was like the coolest one out of all of my dad's dumb brothers he was the best Nate you would have loved him he was only bad at one thing got the hell opening garage doors he loved rock and roll and uh even though the garage door was closed he wanted to finish that song yeah yeah he wanted to keep on rocking
Starting point is 00:06:23 in the free world. Even if it killed him. He was knocking on heaven's door. Yeah, it turns out. But yeah, my dad's friend, Chuck, let me know that I was an idiot for thinking that that was true. He killed himself. Come on.
Starting point is 00:06:38 I was like, oh, all right. Thanks, Chuck. How much longer are you going to live here? How much longer are you crashing? How much longer are you going to figure it out? Are you still laying low, Chuck? You're still doing a lot of interviews with no callbacks. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:52 A lot of phoneers. yeah he was like he killed himself come on he was three feet tall he was a little guy he was a little guy he fucking killed himself he killed himself stupid chuck chuck down here
Starting point is 00:07:08 he chuck hey chuck hey this is his own name like a Pokemon Chuck Chuck he blew like a point two three one time
Starting point is 00:07:20 and the cop was like the cop was shocked because he did not seem super drunk let alone comatose drunk he was i don't know if it was two three it was like two oh two one i don't know what it was a lot yeah and the cop was like wait what he thought it was broken no it was chuck that was broken that's why he was so drunk oh yeah he was a fucking cup it was just overflowing nothing could fix them not even point two two you know what could have helped him eye to eye with his peers yeah get pay an adult price for At the movies. Quit sneaking in.
Starting point is 00:07:54 Quit being under the rug, Chuck. I got too good at it. Stuck in in a bucket of popcorn. I made my hobby, my money. You know? We can't talk about,
Starting point is 00:08:05 well, on the Patreon, I have a funny story about getting stuck in something. Oh, God, yeah. God,
Starting point is 00:08:10 it's fun. Was it a tennis racket? No. Yeah, he thought he was already tennis racket sized. Yeah, and my leg got stuck.
Starting point is 00:08:18 Yeah. My calf. And then that played again, sports had to close. Yeah. Have we introduced you yet? No. Tell him who you are.
Starting point is 00:08:27 Hi, I'm Elena Bamfield. Boo. We want boys. Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys. Don't wrap me out, you little worm. Boys. The worm was crazy. You're a worm.
Starting point is 00:08:37 Did I call you a worm recently? Yeah, I have a video of it. Oh, yeah. Because you were a conniving little worm. No, you thought you were going to save yourself by saying girls rule after you'd been saying, boo, we want boys all weekend. First of all. And then you pointed at the camera and you called me a little worm, which is almost worse than,
Starting point is 00:08:52 You were trying to avoid anyways. Voice of God is a sacred pack. And I got those pictures of you and all those wigs that I sent to your wife. Yeah, you sent to my wife. You could sew my niece now, and my niece is going to be fucking confused. Yeah. But yeah, during Voice of God, I like to do Voice of God if I can. But usually the person who does Voice of God clings to it, like a life raft.
Starting point is 00:09:13 It's like their only thing at the club that brings them joy. Yes. So I couldn't take it from Joel at the comedy castle, but luckily Joel was nice enough to let me co-lab. Yeah. So when he would say my name, hey, we got
Starting point is 00:09:25 Sam Talent, he would hold the mic out. I would bark like a dog. Everyone in the room laughing, clapping, wiggling. And then when they would say,
Starting point is 00:09:33 hey, you featured a night, we got, you know, she headlines, clubs in colleges all over the country, which means she has
Starting point is 00:09:38 no credits. Let's hear it for Elena Bamfield. And I would say, into the mic offered to me, boo, we want boys,
Starting point is 00:09:46 no girls. We're out here for girls. It's a fun thing to do. It was super fun. Setting you and Geneviva for nothing but success in front of my rabid frothing fan base
Starting point is 00:09:57 that sees you guys as just like a mile of glass they have to crawl through to get to my butt isn't that it? They're eating a mile of shit to get to my home to see where it came from
Starting point is 00:10:08 and you guys are that mile of shit so you Andy DeFrain crawl through shit to freedom yeah you're in someone's pocket and they're dropping you out in the yard got it so because you're a little worm
Starting point is 00:10:21 yes But you went to film me saying this so you could post and get big laughs in your women's groups online. No, no, no. You can log back on to Facebook. Blow some dust off the keyboard to tattle on a man who trusts you.
Starting point is 00:10:36 So you went to film me saying boo, and instead I said, boy, women is pimps too. We love the ladies and we celebrate them, not just for their artistic merit, but for them as a species. Yeah. And then you were filming like,
Starting point is 00:10:51 um. And then I went, you fucking worm You were trying to tattle on me You treasonous cur I wasn't trying to tattle on you He said don't rat on me you little It cracked me up Yeah don't bat on me a little worm
Starting point is 00:11:03 Nice Now you're rat trapped this weekend Yeah I know you're fat trapped Well Elena we're glad to have you You bring a certain Geneseecois to the room And also no one else is giving you opportunities So remember friend to women, Sam Talent
Starting point is 00:11:23 We didn't just want one loud stoner With Becker being around We wanted to Jesus Christ We got ratcheting clank over here You guys Yeah, you guys decided to start Your morning in our apartment
Starting point is 00:11:36 Where we were sleeping What was that all about? What the fuck was that? We were too heavy We were trying to bring over Did you have to, you don't drink coffee You had a sip And then you got full
Starting point is 00:11:45 No, but somebody had shoved Like four pods into the top loader of the coffee machine. I wanted to make a big coffee. So there wasn't any we didn't know how to do it. We couldn't figure it out
Starting point is 00:12:00 because it was fucked up from whoever had tried to use it before. I had to flip the machine upside. You had to stand at one end of the apartment and he had to stand the other and you had to scream back and forth about the coffee maker. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:11 God, you too. I had to hold it upside down. I told Sam if I hadn't just gotten 10 hours of sleep I'd be pissed. Because we both woke up went to the bathroom at the same time 10.30 and it was like hey we're back you know it was crazy
Starting point is 00:12:25 and we went at the same time as well and we both yeah we both walked in it wasn't a sink and stink it was a two in the bowl yes no but at first we thought it was crazy we don't do that anymore
Starting point is 00:12:43 yeah no perfect I got yelled at so I don't so I'm not allowed to drink bubble water he used to burp and scratch. But yeah, so you guys decided to come in. I thought we woke up at the same time
Starting point is 00:12:56 because we were best friends but then like an hour later I was like I think it's because these two were trying to see you could be louder. Yeah. You could be louder and more stone at 1030.
Starting point is 00:13:06 We were loud. That's why. Yeah, best friend. You're like, hey, Becker. You want to get really high? You always want to be a confused problem for the next 12 hours? Sure.
Starting point is 00:13:17 Let's do it in someone else's apartment. They're still sleeping. That's not go downstairs. That's where all the coffee was. You know what you do? You come in. It's where all the vibes were. You could fucking swing.
Starting point is 00:13:28 You didn't have to hit the ground. You could swing over there. You know, and then. Yeah. Leave no trade. Becker in the hallway, of course, would be like,
Starting point is 00:13:37 Good work getting it. You can be like, you know, that kind of thing. That'd be good. Anyway. But. That's you too. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:51 I think we just wanted you up. You don't decide. But then you called, no, but then you called us from downstairs somehow. Yeah. So you were already out of there.
Starting point is 00:14:01 You guys were so lost in being that high at that early in the morning. You walked out behind us? You walked by. Yeah. Are you serious? Oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:14:08 That's a lot. I snuck up on you twice today. I mean, I'm talking into the mic. Who knows? Keep it up. I think you've got to keep it up there. You haven't done a podcast.
Starting point is 00:14:18 See? I thought, I talk really loud. This is the biggest thing to ever happen to you. You have to remember that the whole time. It'll make it easy. It'll make it easy.
Starting point is 00:14:27 Did you truly speak through the room while we were in there? No. Okay. No. I came downstairs and was like, where are these jagoffs? They're probably outside smoking.
Starting point is 00:14:36 I went outside. I looked for two twin clouds of smoke. Didn't see it. Bopped around, took in the art with my coffee that tasted like soap. I sat in the slumpies for a while. I figured,
Starting point is 00:14:48 surely, these two will be in the slumpies. The giant amorphous blob chairs that you can sit in while you vape. No, I was the only slumpy in the bumpy. Shout out to Jillian Mayor. Shout out Jillian Mayor. Jillian, send me one for my backyard. Different than Jillian Michaels.
Starting point is 00:15:05 Shout out Jillian Michaels. She's killing it. Yeah. Very different from Gianna Michaels. RIP. No, she's alive. She's thriving. No, she's up there blowing God right now.
Starting point is 00:15:18 She's up there sucking the life out of God. She takes over. She's up there T. Fing, the big man. God. She's getting installed. Installed? As the head of heaven. Headmaster general.
Starting point is 00:15:35 I thought that was a new disgusting term for some kind of sex. I did too. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck? Don't say install. The lane is here. Executive position. She's the new pope. It's just.
Starting point is 00:15:48 White jizz, ropes, in the sky. Like in Ghostbusters? God, the pod's been missing something. Guts. John and Michaels is turning heaven into the stave puff marshmallow man exploding. What is that? What?
Starting point is 00:16:09 Ghostbusters? You haven't seen Ghostbusters? I guess I have, but I don't know it like that. Oh, so like how you just said it like that. Well, this is called riffing. So the state puffed marshmallow man At the end of Ghostbusters The giant marshmallow
Starting point is 00:16:24 It's like the size of buildings walking around Oh look at me, I don't know what they're talking about either We're young And he's wearing We're too busy doing He's wearing the sailor He's wearing the sailor's outfit He's like a marshmallow
Starting point is 00:16:37 We're talking about the good Ghostbusters Not the woman one that you probably think is the only Because your dad wouldn't let you The one with the demon dog I don't know. You see it's demon yeah so at the end
Starting point is 00:16:49 that demon thing that's doing a whole thing what? Takes over the marshmallows and the marshmallows grow into one
Starting point is 00:16:57 that's the size of like a building they blow it up and it shoots white goo all over everything Okay well sorry for ruining your riff and as a fat kid
Starting point is 00:17:05 I thought it would be awesome to get exploded with fucking marshmallow fluff because I was like envious of them in that scene because I thought it was real that they would have to like actually eat it
Starting point is 00:17:14 you know because they were in It was like they were a smore Specifically Winston You know due to the hue Yeah Free one Do you guys remember Flubber? Black man
Starting point is 00:17:25 You know Flubber? Was that Robin Williams? Yeah Flubber Flubb? Flubb? It flubbed I wanted to eat that
Starting point is 00:17:33 You wanted to eat flubber It reminded me of Apple Jello Yeah Huh Green Jello Wait your green jello Was apple flavored?
Starting point is 00:17:42 What was yours? Lime They switched down. Definitively line. I thought mine was apple. Your mom made it with apple juice. I bet they make both now. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:17:56 Because green apple was like sucker exclusive when we were kids. And then it started to edge its way into like gum and stuff. Jolly Rancher. Oh, yeah. Jockey Rancher, famous. Green Apple purveyor. That was like a hard candy sucker thing. No.
Starting point is 00:18:10 It's lime. No. So the green one that I grew up on, I know this because I would. It's regional. I would make it for Murphy Brown with my. mom and I would not let it settle and I would just like drink it out of the pan because I was a fat little boy and I didn't have time to let the jet yes and it's awesome it's so
Starting point is 00:18:25 good and if you wine for kids if you let it if you swish it around in your mouth you can gelatinize it when you cool it down and it's like you're making a little luggy but it tastes like lime that's so disgusting it was cool you but so maybe you were confusing lime with apple who knows maybe or maybe they just made a switch maybe we're old bitches as you accused to sub earlier. You said,
Starting point is 00:18:48 are you going to say a bunch of old stuff we don't get? Right before we started. Am I going to understand anything?
Starting point is 00:18:52 Well, you said have you ever a podcast before and I said, yeah, are you guys going to talk about a bunch of
Starting point is 00:18:56 old shit that I don't know what it is? You were a bitch first. Me? Yeah. You asked if
Starting point is 00:19:01 she knew how to podcast. Well, she's only been on Wait, Wait, Don't tell me in car guys.
Starting point is 00:19:05 I don't know what that is. Those are massive, those are massive podcasts. Oh, sorry, wait, wait,
Starting point is 00:19:10 don't tell a car guys. Were you on... Is that good? Prairie Home Companion? No? Didn't you do Mo Rocca's podcast? No. You don't get any of these references?
Starting point is 00:19:21 I don't know. What the hell? I'm so sorry, dude. I'm not good at stuff like that. No, you're doing a great job. Those were all very esoteric references. Okay. Look, we're here to celebrate you.
Starting point is 00:19:32 Yeah? Is that what we're here to do? Yes. Allegedly. Allegedly? You have any questions for Elena? What do you know? No, tell the people, because our fans will like this,
Starting point is 00:19:45 tell the people how many hot dogs your dad eats. Oh, my dad has like one, he's really cut back on it now. But for, in his prime. In his prime, one or two, like a day for lunch. Every day. Yeah. Was he cutting them open and cooking them split open, or there's boiled dogs? They're not boiled.
Starting point is 00:20:05 They don't, I think he's doing them just on the pan. Okay. But there's still two. full tubes dogs and also like um they're he gets like the full beef angus yeah you have to go full bangus he goes full bangus full bangus full bangus
Starting point is 00:20:21 and that was gonna be pat's other dickens you're saying like like every day of your entire life at home or whatever right like 15 years no no um he just it really started because I was having before I moved to New York I lived with my parents and I was having a bomb fire at their house we needed hot dogs
Starting point is 00:20:42 and someone went to go grab them and I went those I was like no we have to go to the store those are my dad's and they were like what and I was like those are my dad's hot dogs that was his stash that was the head stash of dogs we don't eat those hot dogs
Starting point is 00:20:54 but he was like at the time eating hot dogs every single day now he has like a new job and it's a little bit it's cut into his hot dog habit what's his new job hamburger you've seen my dad he's like impressive that he eats hot hot
Starting point is 00:21:09 dogs like that he's like a I'm a small person he's pretty small both my friends are pretty small you know he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's like he's a lot of sin you do his body what he's like ripped right he's got like my dad works out yeah vascular my dad's like a 50 year old guy that like
Starting point is 00:21:27 yeah I met your dad in that show Williamston yes and you met him in Detroit and somewhere else yeah yeah well I've been a big supporter of young Bamp who's got him buff huh yeah with all those Hot dogs. We're like sinewy, you know? They're all beef hot dogs, though.
Starting point is 00:21:43 Like there's no moisture. Like all of the moisture in his body has been nitrated to oblivion. Yeah, so we can look good. Piss the sour trout. What's he dogging down with? What's he dollopin on top? I think just ketchup and mustard.
Starting point is 00:21:59 Oh. Bun? White bread. No, wheat bread ends. That's what your dad's eating his dog's in. Wheat bread ends. Yeah, the butt slice of the wheat bread. container of butts in the store.
Starting point is 00:22:11 They were 25 cents on me. No, just regular. And my brother's the same. My brother does weird shit too. My brother just eats like peanut butter and jellies. Hey, Waldo. Why don't you put down that BB&J? I'm an hot dog with you old man. Put a hot dog on the PB&J.
Starting point is 00:22:23 Hey, does he have the Midwest accent? Um, yeah, they kind of do. Hey, those are my hot dog. Oh, no, not like that. Put down my dad. It's the Michigan one. Yeah. You know, I mean, it's how I talk.
Starting point is 00:22:36 Not really. You've tried so hard to abandon it. California's stoned. I'm not trying so hard to abound in it. You sound like a beach boy. Yeah. The dead one. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:22:45 I could do my grandma pretty well. My grandma says like, like used tos and stuff like that. Used to's. And I, how comes you? Why don't you? Like those little phrases. I was so surprised to find out. Because I met you at Savage Henry, I think, for the first time.
Starting point is 00:23:02 You were from Michigan? Yeah, that was my first year of doing stand-up comedy. I was like, she's from like Oakland or something. And also I'm not sure if I could say she Because you were like femmed out crazy And you had glasses What do you mean femmed out crazy? You were, I don't know
Starting point is 00:23:16 You looked like you were a 16 year old girl Like doing a fucking project I was like 20 You looked like Spacoli from recess You had like a beanie Yeah And you were like Hey everybody
Starting point is 00:23:27 Yeah, I just Who's ready to laugh Yeah Yeah So I was very funny when I found out You were from like Wherever Lansing I remember I was doing a
Starting point is 00:23:36 you guys walked in with Chris and you were like there they are the kings of show business into the 3 p.m. fucking dispensary show that I was doing and there was one real guy from the audience that was in there but I remember someone laughed maybe not even at me but I like realized that
Starting point is 00:23:56 you guys were in the room and I said god damn it I said something funny and Sam laughed because I was no we thought you were funny okay that's I don't remember that you walked up and said hi I'm Sam You were very funny That's what you said to me
Starting point is 00:24:09 And I told my parents About it And I said See You don't have to Kill yourself But no But no I had
Starting point is 00:24:20 Been dating Lou's Best Buddy at the time So when we work on The way there They're like Oh Sam Talent's gonna be there And we're gonna
Starting point is 00:24:29 Get married Oh God Come on But they're like Same Talent's gonna be there And so they made me Wash your special Oh yeah
Starting point is 00:24:36 The rest is history. Now your fucking hot dog dad can't get enough of my giggle piggery. Oh, my God. Yeah. One, sorry Elaine is here. I have so much to say to you. I've missed you so much.
Starting point is 00:24:49 We had some time, some time in the van. We don't kiss. I mean, we have, but I'm not a big fan. Becker lied to you. I know we told you that you had to kiss him to be on the shows and be on the pod, but no. It's a big girl targeting move.
Starting point is 00:25:02 I like kissing. Jesus fucking Christ. Go on, you haven't talked in a while. I know, why? I didn't add to that. You thinking about freeze-dried Skittles? Yeah. They're really good.
Starting point is 00:25:12 I want non-sour. Because those are like a 10 out of 10. He's a classic, man. 10-of-10. I want like a 6 out of 10. I'm old. Okay. Well, I picked them out.
Starting point is 00:25:23 No, I'm just saying I'm curious about the non-sour. I wish they were fucking. I like those sour puffed. I wish they were mellow cups. Mallow cups. I don't like those. Yeah, because they don't fit in your mouth. people.
Starting point is 00:25:36 Yeah, they're for old people. They're huge. Yeah, you're getting older too. Those things are fucking side of the mouth teeth rippers. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I can't do stuff like that. My teeth are not strong enough. You really got like gum on it. And I always put the whole thing in because you try and bite one of those in half.
Starting point is 00:25:50 It's all over your chin and tits. It's just like in my chest hair. No, the mallow cut thing, you bite it, it drips out. I've been craving a zero. Is it not hard? Zero more? Yeah, it's like a gooey marsh. Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:26:03 But the chocolate they use this. infinitely harder than like Reese's chocolate so the cup is just jacket it's like eating a throwing star it's like gumming down a shirt cap yeah damn i don't know if i've ever had one which you have got a hobby lobby everybody's now saying yeah right i haven't had every candy sometimes i find one i stick with it for a long long time another one that's super gummy um that's also super good was the now and later's those will take your fillings out yeah those are tough they're for poor people I love an hour later. Why do you mean they're for poor people?
Starting point is 00:26:38 They always make me think of this poor family. Oh, they probably are. I used to call the gas station the gum store. You take me to the gum store. Yeah. You only got gum? That's what my mom would take us after daycare on Fridays when she went to go pick up a cart in a Marlboro light menthols.
Starting point is 00:26:54 Ooh, light green box. And we would get, yeah, we would get gum and sometimes bug juice. God, you were a Marlboro menthol girl. Yeah. For sure. drinking bug juice just a microplastic food die abomination
Starting point is 00:27:09 absolutely just can't gaining no weight you did gymnastics you drank water I did cheerleading and wrestling and volleyball oh yeah wrestling
Starting point is 00:27:19 not just bug juice and I also rode dirt bikes a lot I drink a lot of water actually my parents made us drink water and milk all the time you're your dad's favorite son I want it to be really bad
Starting point is 00:27:29 you can't be because of Waldo you're like I hate hot dogs your brother oh Mason Mason. Dad, look at how good I am at eating hot dogs. Daddy, I'm your little boy. Watch me eat the dog, Daddy.
Starting point is 00:27:45 Daddy. You're like flipping around. Daddy, I can fly, Dad. But no, my dad, my dad was stay at home for a lot of my life. So it was easy to be into wrestling, I guess. Because he thought that if he left the house, the apocalypse would happen. But moving on And then there was no girls
Starting point is 00:28:09 No girls in my Country I mean that's how this pod used to be No look at you Breaking the color barrier Look how much better it is You're doing good Have we had a girl on here?
Starting point is 00:28:23 Yeah Who? Who? We've had to name Butler Oh yeah Butley and J.B Yep Hey J.B
Starting point is 00:28:30 What are you peeping at? I was making sure the battery was good because I thought I saw it doing something weird, but it was just the glare. Are we doing something crazy? We're fine. I'm about to break. But you know what isn't crazy?
Starting point is 00:28:44 Oh, what? What is it? Cash app. Oh! Financial technology is advancing faster than ever, but so are the scammers. Oh, wow. Yeah. What are they doing about the scammers?
Starting point is 00:28:59 Probably stealing candy from you. What? I said stop ripping. Oh, we have to rip over cash app, they said. I don't think we're allowed. They said specifically we had to punch up the cash app. Have fun with it. Have fun with any financial institutional read.
Starting point is 00:29:13 Is that true? That's, I'm going to say yes. Look, you're a young person. You're involved in many different marketplaces. Are you using cash app? I'm using cash app. I love it. Only when people...
Starting point is 00:29:24 Don't say anything bad. What? No thing bad. I'm not going to say anything bad. How could you? Yeah, it's a cash app. I'm saying only when people don't have cash to give me. It makes me think of eating a big bowl of cash before my meal.
Starting point is 00:29:37 Okay. Like a cash appetizer. Yeah, a cash appetizer. Yeah, that is true. That's not what this service is. It's actually for helping with money. It keeps your money even safer than eating it. I know you don't think that's true, but it is.
Starting point is 00:29:47 I mean, it's in me. It's on me. Fortunately, I'm keeping the banks out of it. Cash app is constantly adapting to keep your money safe. Your security deserves to be top priority and cash app treats it that way. God damn it. Yeah, finally. with security lock
Starting point is 00:30:04 cash app requires a successful face ID or biometric authentication to access your account it's like your money is protected by your own personal bodyguard even if your phone is lost or stolen my face is protecting my wallet but that's my butt's job
Starting point is 00:30:18 what my pants gonna do what the heck plus if you're about to send money to someone new and cash app notices something looks a bit off or that you might be falling for a scam it will send you a warning before the money is sent to confirm that everything looks right. Hear that, Grandma?
Starting point is 00:30:34 No more taffy swindling. All right? Keep Grandma safe with Cash App. They care about your financial future. Turn on security lock in your Cash App settings today and pay attention to scam warnings to keep your money safe. Turn me on. Learn more at Cash.app slash security.
Starting point is 00:30:48 For a limited time, new Cash App customers can earn $10 if they use code Secure 10 in their profile at sign up and send $5 to a friend within 14 days. Terms apply. Cash App is a financial services platform. not a bank banking services provided by cash apps bank partners prepaid debit cards issued by sutton bank member fdic visit cash dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures and now that that ad read's done if you want to secure 10 i got it for you right here you think that's going to keep people listening and uh hard what that you are advertising
Starting point is 00:31:25 your penis for sale oh it's funny if your dick sponsored like we got an ad read copy yeah It was just for your dick. Do you guys just getting it out there? Just getting it out there. I think we do. I'm not opposed to it. I think it's better that... I can't just be Becker.
Starting point is 00:31:42 You don't advertise your schlong dongas. No, I don't have a tenor, by the way. That's not true. Yeah, you can't say that and expect to skate. Yeah, we can't lie on the cash every. So I don't have a tenor. but yeah you know the only thing better another one one that's good news is three oh cool according to the national no you're not good at i'm really good according to remember with becker in my handwriting
Starting point is 00:32:10 earlier remember that that was insane you you felt like you had to apologize to the that was crazy to the kitchen yeah his handwriting was that bad yeah no it wasn't at all i didn't see it so i can't weigh in it was not bad it was after the first thing which was baba ganouche write something down and I'll see if well I can't because the observer effect would sway the whole thing but anyway
Starting point is 00:32:33 Becker has me write down the order I do it's very legible in all caps after Baba Gnuch because Becker's like oh well
Starting point is 00:32:39 you gotta write all caps man if you want these kitchen people to read it you should probably write it in Spanish too so you know
Starting point is 00:32:48 I write it down and then we hear him down the hallway giving it to him and then being like what did you say sorry dude I didn't write
Starting point is 00:32:55 and went like that and I was like sorry man Sam Wai wanted to write it. I didn't write it. They wanted to be a big boy. It was totally good and legible.
Starting point is 00:33:03 Did they come back and ask for clarity? No, of course not. I stood there and he like made sure he could read it all and then I took off. Now how long did he have it in his hand before you apologize for my handwriting? A millisecond? As soon as he made a face. And was the face? Yeah, that was the face he made right.
Starting point is 00:33:18 It felt like explaining it. Did he go? It was. Yeah, so he couldn't see. No. He's near-sighted. He was like, there wasn't a kid in there who wrote this. You know, you really disappointed me with that behavior.
Starting point is 00:33:33 I'm sorry. Apologizing? No, no, no. The touching goes one way. Lund? Now that we got that out of the way, according to the National Institutes of Health, as many as 30 million men in the U.S. experience E.D.
Starting point is 00:33:49 What? It's more common than a bad night's sleep. Geez, that means it's everywhere, because everybody's sleeping poorly. I sleep great. Yeah, I'll bet. I do. Ten hours, ten, ten, ten.
Starting point is 00:33:58 Yeah, you're the man. An hour for every inch. But I wish the whole thing would get hard. And that's where this company comes in, I'm assuming. Unless that's just like a crazy way to start off a factor ad.
Starting point is 00:34:12 Right. And you have a soft dick. So we've got beets and kale for you. Pumpkin seeds. Pumpkin seeds get you so hard. They make your batch huge. But they do.
Starting point is 00:34:26 Are they full as magnesium? I don't. Elena's here. Sorry. It's okay. Well, I just don't want to be some nasty mutant. Too late.
Starting point is 00:34:37 But you know the good news. You are a mutant. No. But the good news is that Hymns makes getting access to treatment simple. Good. So you can feel like yourself again. I'm tired of decoding the fucking Rubik's Cube that is E.D. medication. Through Hymns.
Starting point is 00:34:51 The laser rooms, you have to dodge through, you know. Anthony. the troll's riddle. Yeah, I mean, it's so difficult getting traditional ED medication, but Hymns makes it so easy. You call in, you say, I'm soft on the reg.
Starting point is 00:35:07 My old lady's bummed. I'm hanging a chat over here. We gotta do something about this dangler. And then they're like, yeah, man, we get you hard, man. These Jamaican doctors
Starting point is 00:35:19 are the best. I don't care. I don't care. You got to have fun. You're thinking of red stripe. Hooray, boners. Cut it out. You know what you don't have to cut out is boners.
Starting point is 00:35:36 Yeah. You can get hard whenever you want. Yeah, just like me. All you have to do is listen to Nathan Lund. Thanks for throwing it back to me, bud. Through HIMS, you can access personalized prescription treatment options for ED. HIMS offers access to ED treatment options, ranging from trusted generics that cost 95% less than brand names
Starting point is 00:35:57 to their own proprietary products like hard mints and sex RX plus climax control hard climax climate control this is real you shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself hymns brings expert care straight to you with 100%
Starting point is 00:36:13 online access to personalized treatment plans to get simple online access to personalized affordable care for ED hair loss weight loss and more visit hymns.com slash chubby H-I-M-S.com slash C-H-U-B-B-Y for your free online visit, Hymns.com slash Chubby. Actual price will vary on product and subscription plan.
Starting point is 00:36:35 Featured products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. And that's the end of that read, which lets me know. Go ahead. Oh, I was just as I ever said, use code Chubby to get Chubby. be no we're not allowed
Starting point is 00:36:56 I can't say that it's in the parts of verbatim it doesn't make your dick actually bigger we're between reads right now we can have fun we can play around you know and also I don't like that hymns is hymns dot com because if you're NB and you want to get that fucking phallis hard
Starting point is 00:37:13 whether it's a burden whether it's a gift it should be thems dot com it should be everybody it should be dickless dot com it should be softcock.org not not that sounds good soft codot dot not org not and then her
Starting point is 00:37:30 she's not yeah org not should be hey is your old lady about to leave Hail Mary.com I'm kidding they're a great company Becker your targeting has been much easier since you got on him
Starting point is 00:37:45 Fall always feels like a reset with back to school football season and of course the day is getting shorter Finding time to cook. That can be tough. What are you supposed to do? Eat dirt or wood or leaves. There's a bunch of leaves on the ground.
Starting point is 00:38:04 I have pika. What can you do for me? I'm eating all kinds of stuff that's not food. Well, let me offer you a tissue. That's bad. Pikachu. Yeah, what do you do when you need to eat, but you don't have anything? I usually, I'll just order something.
Starting point is 00:38:18 Ordering in. Yeah. But that's kind of expensive. It is expensive. You don't have a lot of options in New York. City. Yeah. City goes to bed
Starting point is 00:38:26 pretty early. It's kind of a food desert. Yeah. There's really nothing to eat. And what if I want food dessert and it's 2 a.m. What are you going to do?
Starting point is 00:38:33 I don't know. Ghostbusters. So you're a young person you're living in New York. Hey, I'm walking here. Hey, shut the fuck up. You wop, you wop, son of a bitch. That's you.
Starting point is 00:38:46 Just walking to work. Famous quotes. You're up on like a beam. You're like, hey, shut up, you day go scum. Why don't you go home? Go home! You know, that's you?
Starting point is 00:38:56 Yeah, yeah. These are bad words to call our Italian friends. They love it. Is this, is this, this is word for word? I mean, Christopher Columbus.org. Bring back Columbus Day. You're going to say.
Starting point is 00:39:14 W.W.W. he wasn't that bad. They put this. These words, these words are thrown around every day. And yet Christopher Columbus was a. hero. Hey, we're putting the Chris and Christmas.
Starting point is 00:39:29 Columbus Day is on Christmas now. The Ad Reed is asking Becker to be better about his anti-Italian rhetoric. Columbus Day, or as we call it, Wap Christmas. Dego Christmas, yeah. You know who would love this?
Starting point is 00:39:45 My mom was always hitting people with Wop and Daego. She loved them both. Like pre-stroke. Yeah, she would always call Wife Beater's Giddy Slings Yeah, that's what they are Yeah, oh man
Starting point is 00:39:59 Do you know about any of this? I've heard of the Italian slander I really don't, I love Italians And I think it's like The last slurry you can still say Yeah, it's not a, I mean, you guys won Yeah
Starting point is 00:40:11 You got the Sopranos, you got Liberacee You got cool hair You got big families That love each other Yeah, you guys got a sense of community I mean, you guys are everything That's right with America You have a plumbing
Starting point is 00:40:22 And everything that's wrong with Europe. That's why we love Factor. Because they also, I'm going to read it, don't trust Italians. They offer a wide selection of chef-prepared Italian-approved meals, including premium marinera, meatballs, and de gravy. I recently had the Indian butter chicken and it was amazing. I don't bet. Just like your muddha used to make. It says personal...
Starting point is 00:41:06 Hey, ma. Make me some chutney. I read what the personal endorsement says. Emma. Can I get some chutney? Wait, you said that. Emma. That's where you got that from.
Starting point is 00:41:22 Hey, Ma, let me get some Sogdoll on my peneer over here. Hey, Ma, I love you more than any woman I'll ever mean. It's going to complicate things I tell you, Ma. Factor is here to help support your wellness goals. Enjoy a variety of GLP1-friendly meals. You know what that means. What does that mean? Gay and lesbian polyamory.
Starting point is 00:41:48 Yeah, they're all number one. Everybody in the polycule is going to be eaten good. Yeah, you don't have to just eat. that ladies bush who keeps coming over enjoy a variety of those new mediterranean diet italian food you know that means uh when you get the mediterranean meal the italian meal uh every meal comes with a uh a hair comb in it kind of like uh the the king cake down nola way or savor global flavors with new meals inspired by italian tie and italian italian yeah they got chinese tie and india What is this?
Starting point is 00:42:24 A school of minds? More choices. What is this? Jan Sincock's flatmates. Make known of that, Becker. Oh, really? Yeah. Right?
Starting point is 00:42:35 I don't know. More choices, better nutrition. That's what 90% of customers say, Hey, I'm eating over here. Factor helped them live a healthier Italian life. Eat smart at factor meals.com slash chubby 50 off. And use code chubby, 50 off. C-H-U-B-B-Y-5-0-O-F to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for a year.
Starting point is 00:43:02 That's code chubby 50-off at Factor Meals.com for 50% off your first box. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with Factor. Offer-only value for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscription purchase. Goodbye. That's the episode. It's that easy. You just do three to seven ad reads, you know. We're like late night television.
Starting point is 00:43:28 There's a lot of ads. Yeah. Take out a lot of quality show. You make up a false beef with Becker. Give him a nasty nickname. What's Lund's deal? That's been carrying podcasts. I've been on TV.
Starting point is 00:43:40 It's my favorite recurring segment. Somebody asked me about maybe Matthew Welock when I went to Jungle Jim's last weekend. Asked me about old Sid. And I was like, we did the too much. funcast to find gents we did like 10 episodes and we were like this sucks it's hard yeah but the guess so we stopped me you just had an old podcast i see podcast and for some reason somebody asked like what would your hobo name be and for no reason right away you went like this you old old sit oh shook your head and I was like that's the funniest thing ever I think I'd be old
Starting point is 00:44:16 sid so funny oh and then immediately I'm with dick stinkly and Matthew and Dix, buddy, Brett, who you call, I believe, Coheed. Yeah. And then the other one's Cambrian. But they almost immediately were like, where can we get our hands on the too much funcast? And I was like, I don't think it's available. Do you ever listen to that? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:44:42 Yeah, Wally eradicated it from the internet along with Shinen, Sam Talent's Half Hour Prophecy. All those things I wrote for SexPoc are gone. I imagine what happened is that the credit. on the computer or the card it was all on for syndication went away uh huh yeah
Starting point is 00:44:58 yeah sure he got Factor and that's the end of the ad read yeah why no so extra ad read we're going into
Starting point is 00:45:09 extra innings what so too much funcast though we had like Ali Wong on yeah Rory Scoble we had Canane we mean Ben Roy
Starting point is 00:45:18 we had some really star-studed guests in Ben Roy I think Rory and Ben, those episodes, we riffed, like, hard the whole time. Rory came in and said that he was a juggler. Yeah. Remember? Because he didn't want to just do some dumb sit on the couch, get interviewed, talk every seven minutes type podcast.
Starting point is 00:45:37 Call the guest old fucks, you know. Get out your brush and dust off the fossils, he said. And he said, I would offer your brush for your hair, but you don't have any. And you pulled my hat off. And he threw my hat in the street. I did. And then you were like, I'll get it. And you did a summer salt to get it that ended in a split.
Starting point is 00:45:52 and everyone was like, give her the key, and they gave you the key to the city. Meanwhile, we have a contact at Lipson now. I could reach out and see if they're recoverable. Maybe we put them up on Patreon. No, Shinen should never see the light of day. Not Shining. I was talking about it.
Starting point is 00:46:05 Me and David had nothing to lose. Too much fun cast. Shining, some of the hardest I've ever laughed in my car. Shinen was crazy. Yeah, you got out of the line. I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know the rules of podcasting. You didn't think it counted.
Starting point is 00:46:18 I didn't think it counted. It was, I was living in Vegas. It was like 2017. I was listening to a lot of Cumbtown. What kind of things were you doing? I don't know. A lot of fun voices. A lot of fun voices.
Starting point is 00:46:29 A lot of attempting to rap. I rapped at the end of every episode. Can you wrap right now? No, no, no, no. What if we put on an instrumental? I did it sans instrumental because I was all up here. Okay. Because I had the knowledge.
Starting point is 00:46:42 You were an a cappella fella. Uh-huh. Acapella fella. Yeah. The vanilla gorilla. Okay. I'm the thriller, no chilla. Blood spillo.
Starting point is 00:46:52 Wow. It was nuts. Nuts is the perfect way to put it. Why did you stop doing it? Because our career started budding. I think we stopped doing it because I got on Comedy Central's roast battle and David got a job writing for some show and we were like, we have to nuke this, bro. We had Keith D on a bunch. It was insane.
Starting point is 00:47:14 Yeah, it was like. It was too real. It was really like, you know, I don't want to say problematic because David was black, but. date yeah i mean at one point i just said a slur because i thought that david was saying slurs yeah i know i remember that yeah he did trick you yeah and i was like what the fuck and he was laughing so hard and i was like wait but for real like i thought you said a precedent and he was like no why were you so eager and quick to say one and i was like i thought you said one i thought we were having Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:47:49 There would be long portions where David would just be quiet to see how far Sam would dig. Yeah. See how far he dangled his Chad. No, I mean, David is the king of setting me up to expose myself in some way that I didn't know I could. And then him just keep giving me the rope. Yeah. Yeah, no. I mean, that's been established since we're 14.
Starting point is 00:48:15 Yeah. leave them dead i mean i would just say hey sorry it's a comedy podcast but maybe we maybe if we figure out who the syndicator was maybe if it was libsen which was the only game no no for too much fun no we weren't on libson we were too extreme okay we were booted off patreon huh i wonder if we could get whiskey how good it even was probably bad so early on for our with our stand-up and with like the idea of having a podcast came and went pretty quick. Also, that show was every one.
Starting point is 00:48:50 Too much fun was every Wednesday. We were so busy. It was a cultural phenomenon. We had six days to fill. I was so hung over. Yeah. We were so wet. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:49:00 So sticky. You tried to tell me about a time I don't remember where I drank all the beers in a green room for a grolic show that I wasn't on. What was I doing there? You were, you were quote, set in the record. What you weren't doing was making friends. Except for you. I was making a fan for life. It was the first Grawlicks they did, I think,
Starting point is 00:49:26 because they did Los Comicos at Orange Cat, which was match-bought. Los Comico's is like the coolest show in Denver. And we all just pined for them to come down and bless us with an appearance on that show. It was sick. First place I ever saw Canaan, Sean Patton, Maria Bamford. Awesome.
Starting point is 00:49:41 It was insane. There was in a little room. It was awesome. It was like 2,000, what? 8, 9, 10. So anyway, they moved their show to the Avenue Theater on 17th, and rumors and ripples
Starting point is 00:49:54 of one Nathan Lund's offstage performance just cascaded, just peals of this story coming off the avenue, that Lund showed up, wasn't booked, drank all the, literally every beer in the green room, like quick, too. That's nuts. Walked in, like, stone cold at a barbecue.
Starting point is 00:50:12 That's a kid in the hot tub. them. Smashing them together. Drinking them. Wearing a leather vest, no shirt. It's simple. Gene shorts.
Starting point is 00:50:29 That's, man. Yeah, he just, I guess, he just showed up. I don't know. He's for drinking
Starting point is 00:50:36 and for looking at. Like, just, like, clug, like, I think it was like he drank most of them
Starting point is 00:50:43 before the show started even and Adam was like what the fuck and then Adam they went out through the opening and they came off and all the beers were gone and you were you know wearing a lampshade as a diaper I was trying to not move so nobody could tell
Starting point is 00:50:58 I was still in there and you know I just heard this story of like yeah lunch showed up and like chugged all their beers and told them to fuck themselves and then they banned them from the Grawlix how much of that is true I wonder I don't think you told them to fuck themselves but I do think you drank 20
Starting point is 00:51:14 four beers. I'm sure I didn't drink them all. Maybe there were four in there and I drank them. No. You for sure down the suitcase. You were a businessman from Japan. I don't know, man. Yeah. I can't say it's not true, but I don't remember. I don't know why I would drink all of them. And I wasn't booked. That's fucked up. I wasn't on the show. You swung by. Damn. Danny Maupin's doing that now. That's Danny's job. Danny.
Starting point is 00:51:47 Well, Daniel. The squirrel. Pump the brakes, Danny. I just came in and see if the bears are cold. Yeah. I was like, Danny, I love you, man, but the beers are cold. All right? The beers have been cold.
Starting point is 00:51:59 Are you sure, though? Let me check. Let me try it with my mouth. Moppin didn't know he wasn't booked on high plan. Until he showed up. He got his wristband. I want to live that life, dude. He was busy.
Starting point is 00:52:10 He was busy for that year. And so he's like, well, I might as well just show up. He was probably busy, honestly, getting laid. He's out there, man. Good for him. Loving every minute of it. There's a giraffe in this room that's acting as a coat rack, and I'm obsessed. Yeah, it's cool.
Starting point is 00:52:27 My grandma used to have something like that, but it was not a coat rack. It was just a statue. That's good. It's good to have grandma memories. She doesn't have them anymore. No, she doesn't. She has dementia. Oh, demented like Gordy was.
Starting point is 00:52:41 Do you ever say, grandma, you're demented? Grammy, you're dementoid. No, but my mom did laugh and say that her brain is the size of a pee, the doctor said. Oh, God. Jesus Christ. It's terrible. And it was a walnut previous, right? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:53:00 You guys have very small heads in your family? Yeah, we do. We are tiny. Big, thick skulls. Tiny heads. Real bowl rattlers. When my brother was born, they thought it was like abnormally small, and then they measured my dad's head, and they were like, oh. wow
Starting point is 00:53:11 medically small medically small medically small lung how's your penis hanging in there I said dangling chat earlier you said dangling but also hanging chad
Starting point is 00:53:23 what is hanging chad is it a weird hanging chad's a cool surfboard move it was the election in 2000 this is this is I had to go back and count the votes
Starting point is 00:53:34 the way they used to the bad at Chads was the little oval and a bunch of them were hanging So they were miscounted. That's right. Hanging chats. Yeah. And this is like the second or third time we've told you this.
Starting point is 00:53:47 You like can't form the synapse for hanging chat. No, no. I think so. No. I'm not harshing any. You don't remember anything. If we have discussed it, it was five years ago. What?
Starting point is 00:53:57 It was a half a death. Oh no. We did talk about it, but it wasn't that long ago and it was the first time ever. Well, what's all that's new again? So that's good. Case closed. It's nice to write. wrap. Let's put a bow on that.
Starting point is 00:54:13 How about this? Lund, can we try some of the syrup you got? I want to give it a second round. No, I don't want to open it. Open it up. I'll look mine too. Packing it open seems like it's more prone to leakage. Yeah, I would be scared that it would go...
Starting point is 00:54:28 He's going to wrap it up. It would go everywhere. Put a condom on it. Put it in a little plastic bag or whatever. No, no. But you can blast me because you tried the four syrups, and apparently I chose the one for babies. I'll tell you what.
Starting point is 00:54:41 You chose the one that tastes like a cigar, so that's cool. It does. It tastes like a tire fire. And then you'd let the truth come out on stage because you blasted your own ass for picking the dumb one. You want to know how dumb I am? Yeah. I tried one and bought it. What?
Starting point is 00:54:56 Yes, because she was like, that's the one I like. And I was like, well, you've lived in this sugar mill your entire life, man. Your tongue is like. You got the extra dark? No, I got the second. I got the dark robust. Oh, that's what I got too. I liked it.
Starting point is 00:55:08 That was my favorite. There was the one that Lund got, which was sunny delight. And then there was one here that was just honey. Honey one was also really good. It tasted like butter. Which one did you get? Dark robust. You got the same one as me.
Starting point is 00:55:22 Yeah, we all got the same one. And there was one over here that was Lou Rawls. I mean, this bad boy was dark and smoky. The darkest one was really tough. That one was. It was still good, though. It was. It would have been really good on a pancake with butter.
Starting point is 00:55:34 I didn't try it. Why? Because I do the thing I always do where I just listen to the, person and I try that one and I go you're right and then I turn around and I buy the big old jug of it and then because I'm mad at myself I then lash out
Starting point is 00:55:49 at lawn news or going back for thirds on all four I had a couple of each of them yeah I really wanted to know which one I like yeah you said and you don't get that from one little taste the sample cups aren't big enough now these mugs over here come on let me really get to know it a little
Starting point is 00:56:07 let me rent a mug Let me do a lap Those cookies were really good. Those cookies were something. Those were so good. But yeah, so I didn't try any of them. I went back and tried the one that you got and then made fun of you for getting, you know,
Starting point is 00:56:21 bird feeder neck there. You got hummingbird fuel. Yeah. And sugar water. I thought it tasted light and nice. It didn't taste enough like maple syrup for me. It was your sugar water. I like the depth.
Starting point is 00:56:34 I think it's going to be real good. Yeah. I'll go get mine out of the car. we'll jug out. Do we have anything we can pour syrup on? No. No. You can pour syrup on yourself. Can we put syrup in that thing? We could. In the bong? Surrup rips. Wait, we have this in the shot? Yeah. That's not good. It's fine. That's bad. Is this incense burner? They're fine. We can't have an, this is for tobacco use only. It's a vaporizer. As Jan Succoq told my landlord once as I was hitting a bong in my apartment. Uh, yeah,
Starting point is 00:57:08 Yeah, you guys should come to Magubis and see me over there. That'd be sick. Come see us at Skangfest. I'll be in New Orleans doing one show, Wednesday of Skang Fest, of Sports Strength, Denver Comedy Works, go there. Thanksgiving weekend. And also next year, I need a fucking, I really need a historic slam dunk
Starting point is 00:57:23 because I am at war with one of the most prominent comedy clubs chains in the country. And I need, not at war, that's not fair. They put the ball in my court. I said, hey, give me a weekend. They say, there's about 98 other people who sell more tickets to you in the clubs. And I say, how do you know that?
Starting point is 00:57:40 And they say, we know everything, worm. I was the worm. See, worm people, worm people. You got bullied and said you bullied me. I lashed out at him for blowing it on the syrup. I still think I'm right. It's okay that you called me a worm. This is a real funny thing to look over
Starting point is 00:57:55 and see both of you from this angle. It's like Ron Jeremy. No. I understand. I understand now. Keep yelling. Keep yelling. Not true.
Starting point is 00:58:06 I need historic. He needs you. Football spiking. Call in the airdrop. Steal someone's credit card and buy out the room. Shows of strength. Is that what James McCann was saying? Show of strength.
Starting point is 00:58:18 I can't remember. Show of strength. Yeah. I need victories. Yes. Yeah. Let's round up the room. The year's going to be good, man.
Starting point is 00:58:24 It's a Portland. It's going to be good here. Out there at Magoibis. Mago. Mago. Hey. Oh, you lie me fuck. It's me.
Starting point is 00:58:34 Maguby. That'd be funny. Yeah. If you guys wanted to yes and a little bit. Well, I don't know when you wanted to stop plugging your dates, so I could plug mine. Oh, you don't have any dates. November 30th, Comedy Works, I get to headline after the weekend with Sam. And guess what we're doing?
Starting point is 00:58:49 I'm buying, for everyone who comes to my shows that weekend, I'm buying you Sunday night football tickets. No. So come see me and then see the Broncos for free. The game is in Washington. I know. I'm flying everyone. I'm flying. I'm going Dan Schneider on the plane, man.
Starting point is 00:59:05 I'm renting out the private jet. You guys just got to pay for your plane tickets. and accommodations for three nights. You're John Gruden. Also, Cisivis Brewing in Minneapolis, December 26th and 27th. Right after Christmas, what a Christmas gift. Christmas miracle.
Starting point is 00:59:22 San Diego. Give the gift of Lund. Give Lund year round. That's what I get. Yeah, except for the last three weeks when he cheated on me. Lund Desert. With the industry.
Starting point is 00:59:34 Elena, you don't have anything to plug. No, Detroit. Thanksgiving weekend that Friday correct? Yes November 28th at the Independent if you've been to my show you go see Elena she's filming her special it's real easygoing material it's all good stuff
Starting point is 00:59:51 you can plug your thing I'm uh yes I'm talking I am doing my first ever comedy special first ever comedy headlining set yes it's being taped it's being taped it's my make a wish I'm dying soon but no
Starting point is 01:00:09 yes I'm filming my first ever comedy special bowl that's good I took a lunchable I am going to be talking about getting molested as a child so trigger warning on that but the good news is she was a child
Starting point is 01:00:23 I was a child it's like learning a language everything's a little easier when you're a kid so it could have been worse you could have been older but it's like but I don't know
Starting point is 01:00:41 yeah so I got molested by my doctor but it's not like a one woman show thing it's like stand up comedy so please come yeah it's funny jokes it's like it's like funny so it is good she did it opening for me at the comedy castle it's good stuff go see it I'll be running it in Albany
Starting point is 01:00:57 November 2nd so follow me on Instagram Adela BAMfields I'll be running it all over don't do that yes follow me on Instagram or go to her show A-L-A-I-N-A-B-A-M-F-I-L-D. Thank you so much.
Starting point is 01:01:09 I also, if you're in Brooklyn, I have a weekly show every Tuesday at Artichoke Pizza on Wycoff Ave off the Jefferson L-S stop. Whoa, that's a good room. I've always wondered who books Artichoke Pizza. Yeah, it's me.
Starting point is 01:01:21 It's huge, man. Yeah, me and Michael Walsh, we book it together. I always said, get the dough out of there. You know, I just want the fucking give me the fronds. Yeah, and if you guys start coming, maybe they'll give me money. It's Artichoke crust? Is that true? Artichle crust?
Starting point is 01:01:35 That's what he's talking about. No, they do like an artichoke pizza. It's got like white sauce as a base and then like artichoke and like spinach and shit. So make sure you support Vanfield because we got to get her some real hair for this ponytail attachment. Yeah. Becker. Because I'm sick and. Any new targets you've acquired?
Starting point is 01:01:52 No new targets. Okay. I'll be at the Thanksgiving shows and then I won't be with you boys until since the. Oh yeah. Skankfest will all be at Skankfest. Mm-hmm. You're at Skangfest? I am. Hey.
Starting point is 01:02:04 Let's go. You won't be at the Thanksgiving. December shows. I won't be at the December shows. No. That's all right. You know? Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:11 You've been getting a lot of back. Tell them where you'll be. I'll be in Italy with my mom. Whoa, honeymoon? Yep. She's moving around real good now. We're going to go adventure and see my sister for like 12 days. Ooh, Willie, won't they?
Starting point is 01:02:25 Yeah. Find out in January on this podcast. And if you want to hear a funny story about an old lady, go over to the Patreon. Because, man, I can't wait to tell you guys this. It'll be coming out. tell it in the last two seconds later in the day tomorrow they don't care but it'll be there they know they're still listening i will inevitably get a message that's like i went there and there's no story about an old lady oh yeah yeah anyway goodbye bye bye don't follow elena come

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