Chubby Behemoth - Guyabano

Episode Date: May 12, 2023

Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at Manscaped.com promo code: CHUBBY   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Listen To This Fruit. Survivor's Guilt. Pounding It.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

So we don't have Becker this episode. Yeah, I'm getting used to Becker being an absentee producer. Yeah, he doesn't care about us anymore. Well, he's working. He has new friends in business. He has his business buddies, as he calls them. Supposedly, he's working to put food on our table, but I haven't seen a morsel. All the food that goes on my table is made I haven't seen a morsel.

All the food that goes on my table is made by a 4'6 year old woman named Miriam down here in Ecuador. A 4'6 year old woman? Dude, she is so small. I could put her in a backpack and ship her to America easy. But you're saying her age

is 4'6 or I don I know. Does that make any sense? No. Four foot six is a height. How old is she? She's four foot six. Hence me saying four foot six.

You said a four foot six year old woman. So she's glad you got hung up on that instead of riffing. She four feet tall, six years old, and she's making your food. No, she's a woman and she's i could put her in a pillowcase and swing her over my head when she acts up i say no mas dice and then just fucking whip her around tired of the ceiling fan yeah i speak spanish now i fully fluent in spanish now. I fully flew it in Spanish. It rules. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. Different days, every day we have juice.

Every meal is a different juice from a different fruit that I've never heard of. It's very enchanting down here. I cannot get enough of these fruits. Listen to this fruit name. Goyababa. Goyababa? Yeah, there's another one called Goyanabana. I don't think that is true i think

you're making them up no dude and she comes up to the table and i you know i have to grab her by the armpits and pick her up so she can put the coffee on la mesa but uh yeah it's uh it's dude to those of you who don't know i I'm living in Ecuador until May 27th. You're running from American authorities in Ecuador. I'm not running. I'm hiding. Running is how they get you. You ran, and now you're hiding.

Yeah, yeah. So I renounced my citizenship, and I burnt my passport as soon as I landed in Quito. And now I'm talking to un coyote to smuggle me back into the States after I fake my own death down here. Meanwhile, Emily is giving forced sterilizations to kids in the field, you know, so we don't have any more of the indigenous population. I'm kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I want to believe that you're kidding.

Yeah, that's why I said I'm kidding immediately after saying it. Some people believe that I'm just kidding. I want to believe that you're kidding. Yeah, that's why I said I'm kidding immediately after saying it. Some people believe that I'm just joking. Yeah. She better not sterilize your house guests because we need more tiny chefs. Dude, we're guests of her house. We live in her house with her husband, Pedro, and her son, Andy, who never really comes out of his room, but is really cool. I respect it. Just locked in there

gaming, studying, doing business on Linux. He's kind of like Ecuadorian Becker. Yeah. But instead of cigarettes, he's addicted to League of Legends. Does he let you go in there, or is it filled with piss jugs? No, no piss jugs. I mean, he keeps it clean, but yeah, he brought go in there or is it filled with the piss jugs no no piss jugs i mean he keeps it

clean but yeah he brought me in there on occasion to show me his uh he has a keyboard that's split in half so it's better for his shoulders that's kind of uh his big thing oh yeah that's what that's for yeah it's better for his uh his back posture but he's the man he talks to to me in Spanish secretly because his parents say we're not allowed to speak Spanish. We have to only speak Spanish in the house. But when we go upstairs, that's when the English comes out. Nice. Yeah. How old is he?

He's crazy. He's like, I can't tell. He could be 21. He could be 36. Okay. He told me his age when i got there but this was before i was fluent that was three days ago he really got immersed yeah necesito preguntar uh otra vez yeah you need to know i must know andy before i make a move digame su edad cuantos anos

we're staying right across the hall from him and then when there's a toilet so like the toilet is the dick and then our rooms are the balls oh no it's like ensenada all over again it's really bad for him this is the worst deal he's ever struck having to live across the hall from me the toad eater and my wife whose butt is just weeping el gigante is she going through it she's getting wrecked she's having almost as bad a time as my dad my dad wow he's his eye is just the flicking he has a chapped little hole down there that's all he talks about what is he not supposed to drink the water is he is it the weird fruits it's everything man everything's trying to kill us down here except for the people people are very nice but there's just wild dogs that roam the streets and everywhere you walk

you have to have a piece of bread in your pocket in case they attack you in case they savage you so then you can throw the bread across the street and the dogs chase the bread and then you run away damn yeah dude it's a wild place real bamba is uh is muy loco huh uh how long have you been down there three days i got here when did i leave you saturday yeah yeah so i arrived here on saturday saturday evening it's been like five days what's the deal with your dad's place that's not a host situation or no so me and emily are down here because she's doing immersive spanish medicine and we're living in a host family's home and they provide all of our meals and she does our laundry it's fucking weird dude like i come back in and the bed's made and my undies are all folded up my undies are destroyed right i wouldn't i wouldn't want that i don't want her in there

i don't want her in there when i'm gone i tried to lock the door the other day and uh and then i lost the key so old pedro her husband had to fucking hoist her up to the balcony little little spider girl style it was hellish i figured maybe she flattened herself like a mouse and went under the door yeah she became two-dimensional oh before i forget uh sure you'll like this i talk shit to a guy on leaving the plane in la and we got into it pretty good it was tense he was he was huge too so it wasn't like i was like confident that everything would be fine what kind of huge like us huge or like scary huge no he was like probably as tall as you maybe an inch taller and he was pretty buff damn so like me yeah he was exactly like you tall and uh-huh black skipped leg day but not every day you know definitely was focusing on on his arms

and chest but i just do shoulder day fucking whoever i talk to you all i do is just shrug all right whatever i guess yeah we got we landed i was on the plane with mac and ann and their baby so that was funny he just doesn't mention it he booked the flights so he i'm sure he knew but he didn't say anything so i just see him wow we're like getting on the plane what a fucking character yeah he's like oh hello and then uh he's sitting next to him no no okay that That would be icing on pastel. We got off the plane in LA and the dude was behind me

and he stood up. Everybody fucking stands up and I'm like, he's a tall guy, so I understand getting let it slide. You're like the Punisher. Yeah. I'm going to spare him because everybody stands up it's when they start moving that i don't like it but uh we're getting off of the

plane and there's a woman in a wheelchair and a guy that's like strapping her in or something you know and she's off to the side but i thought they were gonna get going so i stopped and waited for them and while i'm stopped for like two seconds he like squeezes in between us and goes ahead of us and so i got annoyed by that because and i said i could have done that too but i'm not a fucking asshole or something like that direct quote i don't remember but it was two on the airplane i think that's what i said because it was it annoyed me you had to like step over you know i don't know it wasn't a step over some crippled woman but i like to say stuff you know and keep people in line and instead of just you're the arbiter of truth instead of just continuing to

go he turned around and was like it's not that serious man what the fuck and i was like yeah i know it's just i'm waiting for her so you could have waited for two seconds and uh yeah we chirped back and forth a little bit and you know what sucks is like i've thought about it if if if you wanted to fight somebody in the airport you'd have to like agree to meet like five miles away you can't like fight in the airport you can like never fly again yeah exactly so you guys are both safe you can run your damn mouth you can just flap your little dick suckers all you want no one's gonna get socked in the face no but but you can because

people are insane and so it's not like i'm talking shit because i know the guy's not gonna swing on me it's because but it's like if i if it got to that point you're talking shit because you're nuts no yeah because it's crazy to do that i know right from wrong and i don't like it when people do dumb things and i thought he would keep walking. But yeah, he was pretty big. That's why. Because you thought there'd be no repercussions. No, I thought that he would just realize that he kind of was dumb. And then I kind of felt dumb

because he kind of said, you know, I didn't have to say anything. He did not. It's not like he pushed her over. He didn't shove me. Yeah, he didn't like teabag her crippled ass. No, but he also could have just stood there for two seconds and then we would have gotten moving but well maybe yeah it was a

little tense you're a load since you're a weird wad you were with that uh mangled woman maybe he thought you were waiting to help her like you're her like developmentally disabled son but you know it was also funny because we're like talking shit. And I think that we're just going to be able to walk, you know, out of the gate. But instead, we talk shit. And then he like goes ahead. And I realized that Mac and Anne are waiting for like their stroller or something. So I go back to them and I'm like,

ah, I just got into it with this guy. And he was like, yeah, what's up? And I was like, I don't know. I always say shit at the airport. And then we were walking, we turn a corner and people are like right there because there was like a lot. We had to wait for some reason.

Like immigration. I think to be taken to immigration. Yeah. Yeah. So that was awkward now he thinks that you're afraid of him he thought that you were ducking him and hiding on the plane so now you look like a baby no i don't think that's what happened for sure that's what i would think if you didn't immediately follow me after giving the business i would just be like oh this guy's afraid this guy uh doesn't know what he's dealing with i tried to diffuse

i said have a nice day i kind of said it like i was mad but i still said it because i didn't want to continue to cheer up like i said no i wasn't worried about getting beat up you're the one that's a coward i'm fine that's not true i'm smart one time you stood up to somebody who was beating an old woman you're like um could you not do that, please? That's not really cool. Have we ever gotten to the bottom of that story? I don't know. You don't remember?

No. You're referring to that time when I went back to Chris's house from Too Much Fun because a girl was mean to me? A certain buxom lass? Tiny, tiny, big, big? The sweetest pair in the history of having them pair zero yeah we can agree on that right none better well i mean i instantly think of jordan doll saying that there was a better pair yeah well he was fucking wasted and all hopped up on pills his neck didn't work yeah exactly yeah he thought that they were cooler because his head fell into them because his spine gave out because he was so drunk he's like they're they're a better landing pad

really uh but anyway yeah i i was walking home and i was at like uh i don't know 16th and clarkson and there was some kid like some person of interest and there was like an old woman and uh and he was like dragging her you know and she was like oh and i was like hey man let her go and i was also like tank because it was too much fun i was probably like 25 years old no this was pre-emily so what i was that was 11 years ago like 23 23 or 24 the strongest you've ever been yeah just like prime time sam t probably not wearing shoes probably going on one of my city walks where i took off my shoes to connect to the concrete yeah god what a weird time see i'm walking back to chris's house and there's this guy and he's like come on lady you know like roughing her up it looked like so i went up to him and i was like hey let her go and he like turned to me and i did the you know emotionally i went ah but physically i socked

him in the face and then he went down to one knee and then i socked him again and then he just like didn't get up and i took this old lady to where she was going like two houses down and she just kept being like oh lord you a big boy such a big boy oh lord you're a big boy so i thought i was like you know cool and then so then i went back to chris's house and andy jewett like we took uh hash dabs off the stove he took care of me which was nice because my hand was all cut up but i don't think that he was harassing her when i think about it i think that she had like alzheimer's and he was her nephew or grandson or something and was just like trying to get her to go into her house because her house was right there you know and she like she didn't know what was going on she just kept saying i was a big boy you know lord child what a large man so i really

think i was in the wrong on that one oh uh i don't know it seems like he could have explained that pretty quick if i gave him a second but you could have explained it but instead i just lashed out in violence it's you did didn't you because it's not like you tapped him on the shoulder and blasted him you're like hey what the hell and he like walked towards you without saying anything yeah he like well no he turned all crazy and i was just i mean i was scared so i hit him he didn't say a word he just turned at me and i whacked him and then before he would get up i whacked him again he was blind deaf and mute she had alzheimer's he didn't say a word yeah for sure uh i forgot that part well yes so that's not good yeah yeah but but anyway i have a history of winning violent affairs as opposed to the other

member of the pod yeah well yeah it was a little but oh, and luckily he was going to the he must have had a visa. I think he might have been Italian, but he yeah, so I would have beaten him in a fight. What's he would have tried to make love to me. He would have tried to stroke my hair and I would have put him in the figure for a base. So it's me. and I would have put him in the figure four. A base. So it's me.

Cardinal. Tries to smooch you. Yeah. But he so he went to the different area than us. You know, we were in the U.S. passport line. Oh, God.

And then it was taking so long. It was so fucked that United was like, yeah, you have an hour to catch your next flight. And all you have to do is go through immigration and then security again and then get your bags and bring them to another place you know like yeah recheck them and then we were to go to we were supposed to go to the other side of the of lax it was

very far away our gate and when we went to security the woman that was working uh saul asked her if they had time if we had time and she was like i don't know that's a ways away are we gonna make it we could go outside and get the bus but it was like a regular bus so that didn't seem like it made sense and so laX is un pesadilla. Yeah. Yeah. So we're going through security and then, oh yeah, their diaper bag got flagged to get searched. And I was like, I'm going to go ahead and try to make this flight and hold the plane. So you abandon a woman who's three months postpartum and a man who's been hit in the head so many times all he can do is drive a car her stepmom was with them and so i thought they'd be okay she got stuck

insecurity i was like i'm definitely i'm definitely not gonna make it if i'm hanging out with this crew so yeah i started power walking it took forever i'm just like you're so sweaty oh yeah yeah and when i didn't really start sweating until i stopped until i made it to the gate so when i showed up on the plane it looked like i had been interrogated for in a hot room i was just fucking wore out but i did i i made it and i was like hey i have friends that are coming they have a baby can we please wait for them and she was like I don't know how far how far away are they and I didn't know you know I didn't know how fast they were able to move they were quite the crew and so uh I was like

I don't know but I I think they'll be here in just like a few minutes. And she was like, no, no. Are you going to go with them or without them? And I was like, well, yeah. She was like, all right, then get on there. And so I had to text Mac that I tried. You know, I felt bad. I had a little bit of survivor's guilt. So I don't have a baby. What?

They didn't let him on the plane. No, they didn't make it. Did you get their seats? Did you go to their three across? No, no. Oh, what are you doing? I didn't know where they were. And there was nobody in the middle seat, so I was all right.

Okay. You didn't have to plug your wet chode body in next to someone arm to arm. No. Yeah, there was a guy in the aisle. Oh, my fucking when when united has those uh outlets it's like what are you supposed to do suck your own dick to plug the thing in or you have to like lay down on the you have to lay down on the floor like what well the worst is if i'm on that i'm on the window and then there's a typically a little

person in between us so then i get what i get on the window and then there's typically a little person in between us. So then I get on the plane first. But back in the day, because, you know, I'm an active duty military, I just steal valor so I can get on there early. But back in the day, I used to have to ask the person in the middle to take my phone plug and reach between my legs and plug it in. That's like the first thing you do after you sit down you reek you smell like shit or a campfire or both and then you got to ask some like you know tiny guatemalan lady like can you plug can you plug me in plug me in mama juice me oh look who decided to drop by the office yeah i'm at lunch now look who popped in to say hi

i was also listening to you the whole time and a guayabana is called a soursop you've probably had it before oh no so guayabana that's what we have down here right but that is a soursop that's just what we call it in english yeah oh dude it's not like those are everywhere either though are you let me show you this from the tree becker no but but we live in a place with a lot of mercados i've been eating soursop since i was a kid it's really good that's why i was making sure to tell him that like when you get home if you're craving oh he can still it's soursop yeah find them okay so ecuador produces all of the best fruits in the world it's true right so you have frasers you've got uvas

uvas you've got uh piñas you've got all the tasty fruits you can get you got kiwi you got mango you got uh we had papaya juice for breakfast today but most delightful of them all is my friend and yours the chile moya look at this thing is that looks like a sour stop or something shut up and let me talk look you you're in here for two minutes and all of a sudden you want to drive the bus he's driving no i'm actually curious about this so i think it might be another sour shop becker but look in the inside oh just just my thumb just my thumb to open this thing up becker but look in the inside oh just just my thumb just my thumb to open this thing up look at that oh baby if i could still get hard i would put it in between these green cheeks and just whack until my dad got back me and emmy had a real nice time last night they went to see

guardians of the galaxies 3 the whole family emptied out of the house and boy howdy you thought andy's room smelled weird you should see what we did what is what is that called it's called a chile moya chile moya and it is the finest delicacy it has like an ice creamy apple consistency and this one was for my dad miriam said oh take it to your papa but uh i'm probably gonna eat it right now here live on the pod is that what you uh shared a picture of and like tagged a comic and said that you found them again what what do they do to it seem like there were raisins in it or something there's these seeds oh there's these like pits i can't figure out how to show them to you because i'm dumb as hell and fat as fuck but look at that so yeah and you can just take a little munch now this one isn't washed so i might get a brain parasite but it's worth it for the pod

it's good for the content but yeah you can just do a little oh hey how you doing oh i'm doing good thank you man howdy governor damn i'm gonna miss the fruits of ecuador more than i'll miss the people or the architecture or any of the friends i made along the way fresh fruits low-key the best part about going to foreign countries bro i, I cannot express. Because I'm not allowed to eat any street food. Listen to this, guys. Here, buckle up for this. You got a Dr. Warden down there?

Telling you how to live your new life? Yeah. In this week's edition of What Fucking Gives. Also, by the way, I ate three of these yesterday as soon as i found them at the market and the di-di has been flowing it's like it's like fucking it's like katrina in the toilet the levee's broke all right it's bad is that emily and duddy's problem too is you just are indulging in these uh wonderful fruits and then you pay the price it's kind of the country's problem honestly they don't have the infrastructure to take my american blast and also the toilet paper situation is similar to mexico where we

can't flush it so there's just like this smelly little waste bin next to every toilet you use and you know what's in there you know what you're putting in there. And everyone comes in and sees it after you, and they know what you put in there. It was really bad. And my dad is renting this Airbnb via Emily's Airbnb account. And he's been here for, I think, 12 days now. And yesterday he revealed to me that he has been, quote,

pounding the toilet with toilet paper end quote i'm pounding it he has not been putting it in the waste bin he's just been flushing his used rags and emily had to have a serious conversation with my dad wherein she said dave you have to use the waste bin and he was like why no one told me not to he He went total Sam T. Yeah, I was going to say, that was you. Oh, there isn't a sign. Okay, well. That's what he said. He said, there should be a sign in the bathroom if they're serious about that.

You are your buddy's son. I am. So, yeah, she had to, like, sit him down and be like, Daddy, you have to put it in the waste bin. And he, like, pouted for a couple of hours. But, yeah. Sorry. Back to the what gives update oh yeah uh emily said no street food why she's right because she's worried that i'm gonna yes because she doesn't want me to support local brown economies no because um there's like some brain parasite that people get down here and she's afraid that i'm going to get it.

Did we just talk about that with Noah and Jesus? I think we talked about rat lung. Yeah. Yeah. What, what is it? What's in that? Rat lung is, I don't know,

puts you into a coma from eating unwashed fruit. Oh my God. What have I done? You start talking fluent ass Spanish and it it's like oh no it's the parasite start speaking in rat he'd be he'd be stoked about how well he's speaking spanish but at what cost so yeah she said i can't eat any street foods there's all these delicious foods everywhere there's like literally there was a pig's head on my walk to my dad's this morning there's um winking at you yeah it was and actually i think that was just me looking into a mirror now i think about it clean yeah clean shop window got my own ass no there's all these soups they

love soups and as you guys know i love soup i can't get enough soup yeah there's just boiling cauldrons of soup everywhere i walk and it's like it's boiling i can see it boiling why can't i have the soup emmy and she says shut up keeps telling me to shut up that sucks that's not fair so bad and guess what i told her in mexico i ate whatever i wanted with old lun and we're fine i didn't get died i once we were good yeah i didn't either yeah we've been training for that our whole lives little noah was jealous yeah because he was like terrified of his guts getting wrecked for a second time yeah what did he know he had beans that had some kind of like native meat in them yeah beans with some pork carne indigenoso that's cool that they put uh the podcast on in the truck so that we could still be with them did you see they got they got ice cream at that place that we didn't

that we weren't able to get ice cream i'm so happy for them i was jealous yeah that rules good way to go boys that was so stressful to be like on the race course being told like to turn around yeah and it it must have been because of a damn a guy that was working who like absent-mindedly flagged us onto the course it wasn't our fault and he was drunk yeah you know how they get down there oh man yeah that sucked and then it was like yeah we're not gonna get ice cream it was a real one-two punch that was my worst birthday i've ever had and last year i didn't even get a birthday last year yeah you had you're on a plane yeah down to fucking going down to australia so I could shit my own bed again.

That was a year ago. Can you believe that? One year since the Brown deluge. Since the Melbourne maniac left his smelly footprint all over that affordable hotel. Are you going to be in that same hotel again? Are you allowed? No, no. Yeah. They have your picture up. You think I'm dumb enough to go back to the seat of the crime?

Yeah, they have your picture up at the check-in desk. They probably have an artist's rendering of what they think I look like. And it's just some kind of half bear, half pig, half trash can with glasses on. Two butts. Yeah, two butts. That's the only way this could have happened. He had to have two butts. This was a two-man job for sure.

No lone gunman was here. Oi, he reloaded. Yeah. He double-dumped. How many Hungry Jacks did he eat? It looks like he dumped in the bed, laid down in it for a while, then woke up a couple hours later, dumped again, and went back to bed. No way was this this one butt grenade yeah i wonder how many how many

toilets you wrecked ruined stopped up because there wasn't a sign oh plenty plenty you went right back to just good old carefree wiping and once we left ensenada right you only did it at the one at the first spot that we stayed at that's the only place where someone told me i had to no no oh i think i'm supposed to think that when i go to a hotel that i can't flush you fucking crazy yeah no it's not like it was the one house. It's Mexico. It's like the whole thing. The country doesn't have American plumbing. The talent men do not use the bin. All right?

We send it to hell where mommy is. So you can have something to wipe your tears with. Oh, my God. Daddy's putting a bunch of it in his mouth like you did when you were i only ate it raw no i'm saying he's like doing that putting that in the toilet then wiping putting that in the toilet yeah well when you do mount it up and chew it, it's so much denser. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a tampon. Meanwhile, Emmy's in the field in indigenous Ecuador, giving people health updates and health checks.

And then me and my dad are just, our biggest issue is that we refuse to use a trash can. You got to do like we said said if you dump and flush it and then you use a small amount of toilet paper you can flush that oh can you pick a side no i'm saying that was you said that that's what you were doing because you lied to my face lying yeah get off i lied to your face with my own ass but yeah i didn't think that was that bad because then you're not i mean god it would be awful if those trash cans had like the the first wipe and i don't think most of them do if those trash cans had a memory oh my god that would suck so bad because you're just full of it

yeah i don't i don't i never noticed i never noticed a a basket or a bathroom that reeked and i so i think everybody knows what how to do it you flush the little bit that that has the most shit on it and then the rest is like not uh not super caked it's not quit saying caked what what's the matter with this family that's what we talk about in this family people taking up their dungos. Emi told that she really much stressed that I wasn't allowed to eat anything off the streets. No comida de la calle. And when she pulled up, she got off a bus and we picked her up at the bus station after I left Quito.

There's like some hired driver that works for the family who picked me up from the airport. And we pulled up. Emi got off and I was literally eating a chili Moya with my bare hands. And she was like, before she even said like, hello, Oh my God, I haven't seen you in so long. She said,

what the fuck are you doing? That was the traditional Ecuadorian greeting for my wife to me. And she just busted me green handed munching this delicious. This is the, if I had to choose one fruit for the rest of my life, uh, well, I guess it would probably be...

Huh. That's a tough one. I guess Elton John. He's going to die soon. He's old. Well, I know. Yuck. Do you have some on your nose?

He does. I almost didn't want to tell him. Oh my God. I don't really like to do that. You can touch your nose. Hell yeah. I cannot. Come with a pussy eating king. How about,

we didn't talk about Noah cutting the, the tendon under his tongue, right? Well, Hey, before we get into that, do you think it's insane that someone forwarded the podcast to literally everyone who's in control of the movie being made?

So Becca, yeah. So, Becker. Yeah. Old Mac Johnson, king of the spider people, he sent the podcast that we did to the head of Ikezawa Racing and to the director of this film. Okay. And you can imagine some of the things that we said might have hurt their feelings a bit yeah

and what did we do that's why i thought we did a good job of it was like compliment sandwiches you know we would make fun of someone like ethan but we'd also say that he was cool because he was and everybody was nice the only person that was like problematic, but fucking an old douche was Rich Minga. He was annoying. Yeah, but here's, I don't, I think that we didn't blast Mai from Team Ikazawa. I think we only respected her and honored her and revered her. Treated her with the love that her ancestors deserve. Yeah, we were.

And then, yeah, Henry, we made fun of him. But it was while also saying that we liked him and he was doing a good job of like filming us, whatever. So, well, when I got those text messages from both my and from Henry being like, I love the pod. I listened to it. What mirth? How capable you are of delivering stream of conscious enjoyment. My God. A virtuoso performance.

He had a game from you. Young King Lear, Sam Talent. I was like oh fuck this sucks now we're not in the movie ever again now we're cut out uh no i don't think they don't have a movie without they both were stoked they liked it i think because i thought about it i'm just like how will these people feel about us talking about them? Number one. It's cool to be mentioned on a podcast. I think that's the main takeaway as opposed to

Yeah, but not when someone's bowing or calling you a date rapist. We didn't really do that, I don't think. That's good. Okay. I think we're pretty good. We're fine. You know what's good, Lund? We're talking about good stuff. Yeah, stuff that's good. Okay. Yeah. We're pretty good. We're fine. You know what's good, Lund? If we're talking about good stuff. Yeah, stuff that's good.

If you want to talk about stuff that's good, one of my favorite things that's good is Manscaped brand products. Would you agree with that? Yeah. Read it. Everyone knows about uh hot girl summer but what about the fellas what about that i don't know keep telling me more okay read the fucking thing so that i can react instead of trying to create some bullshit just fucking read it this is the first time i've

read this manscaped is dedicated to upping your confidence by giving you all the tools you need to be well groomed oh man well groomed is really important to me um because as you guys know i've often been accused of being uh the smelliest man in san diego king of the wreaking ball torture. Mayor of Stinktown. Mayor of Stinktown. Yeah, but elected twice. I served two, so that was nice. It's just nice to know you made an impact in Stinktown.

You left it better than you found it. I did. That's all you can do. It's like camping. Leave no trace. And that's what I want my balls and my ass to do in my underwear. I don't want any evidence that

I wore undies at all. I just want people to think, wow, that guy keeps it free-balling, like his free-wheeling attitude. And that's why when I do go down there to fucking do battle with the untamed jungle that is my pubic mound, I like to use the performance

package 2.0 because i include the lawnmower 4.0 look lawnmower 1.0 yes it killed all those lab rats lawnmower 2.0 convicted of war crimes in old saigon lawnmower 3.0 uh my favorite uh daredevil villain all right but the lawnmower 4.0, it's a waterproof, cordless, body hair trimmer. And I got a lot of body hair. Lund, you're a gross mess all the time. Sure. Yeah. All right. Yes, and?

No more. Just fucking read it. I don't know what all you have to say, and you're supposed to say it the right way. You're not supposed to fucking riff a bunch in between so get it out of the way it's crazy because you've never listened to a podcast so you don't know how people do these becker am i off base so far oh yeah you are you're blowing it where's becker no you're fine i can't see him because i'm reading the goddamn copy

i'm right here kind of okay well it's just so so let me let me break this down for you so in podcasts yeah they all read it and you can be funny before or after but they i think they like it when you say all the shit in a row i like that you have an opinion on something you know nothing about that's that's always an endearing trait yeah all right well yeah wrap it up i like manscaped too it's great my balls and dick are thanking me every day they keep bowing the thing with manscaped and us and our podcast is manscaped is kind of like the girl in high school that's been run through by everybody but we've had a crush on her we've admired her from afar forever and now we finally get our dance with her.

And we don't care that everyone's used up every hole in her fucking, you know. We don't care that she's been passed around, brutalized, spit upon, hosed down, as the kids say. Because this is our first time. And it's magic for us. So, Manscaped, thank you for being the carefree slut that lets us get a little piece of that nice ass. To make this summer the best one yet, Manscaped has a deal for our listeners. Get 20% off and free shipping

with the code CHUBBY at Manscaped.com. Lund, how is chubby spelt? C-H-U B-B-Y That's 20% off and free shipping with the code CHUBBY at manscaped.com. Trim your chesticles with the besticles. There we go.

That felt good. Chesticles is what? I riffed that. I riffed that. Stepbrothers? The products do roll. I don't know. Yeah, they're great products.

You've been using them, right? Yeah. The nose hair trimmer and the ear hair trimmer is rocking yeah so i've been in uh you know third world war torn estates so i haven't been able to use them yet but you've been cleaning up your nose and ear hair for who you don't leave your house carlos and carlos comes over and pyscher comes over you can be like i've got the smoothest nose when they have their smooth nose off competition. Look how good I can smell now. I'm on video with coworkers all the time.

Also, I used that ball deodorant when I went on a walk last night, and it was great. I did not reek when I got home. Yeah, I'll be the judge of that. Next time I see you, I'm going to take a whiff of your little package. Nice. Hey, Becker, how was the Trinidad Comedy Festival? It was fun. Is your microphone plugged in?

What are you doing? I need to go get my real mic. I didn't think about it. I just transferred right over to this when I went to lunch. All right. Well, if you don't want to be a part of the pod, just say so. I do. I just didn't think about it.

And then when I thought about it, you were doing the ad, and i didn't want to walk away during an ad read that would have seemed insane yeah yeah more insane than not having a microphone on a podcast we need becker we need becker and lun to actively listen to sam reading the ad otherwise people lose confidence in the stock market the stocks fall yeah whoa becker's making a point by walking away during the ad read he's a political silent protest he's a political fucking figurehead he's leaves a dissonance yeah yeah it was funny that you thought while sam's like kind of reading it and then riffing a bunch and you're like that's good you think you shouldn't walk away well i just don't think the sponsors would like it if one of one of anybody on camera just walked away during their read what if you're a host now what if you were running to the mailbox

to get your manscape products because you're so excited yeah just put that toner on my balls i don't think to put my balls to be balls, to be honest. That just seems like extreme. What if you were running to get some pussy because everyone wants to get some of your sweet rod now that you use Manscaped? Yeah, they're banging down the door. Oh, God, she's back. I told her I had to do

stuff today, but she's back because she needs some smooth balls. It is pretty cool how it trims ball hair. Yeah, I need need it there are different attachments for the balls ears nose yeah and it like doesn't snag it's got like a tooth guard and you drag the razor the other way it's pretty cool see my analogy that i made about manscape being like the high school floozy who allows you a little piece of pussy on homecoming night now we're like guys talking about getting pussy when they've

never had pussy we're like oh yeah manscaped oh it's the best makes my balls feel real good i love to use manscaped on my penis i did use it on my balls yeah sure you did buddy i i did it's charged up and ready to rock i show my balls but i don't think we could put this on youtube anymore oh yeah we can't free zone we don't like balls on there sorry guys i've been really going to town on this chili moya it is pornographic that's you see the mess that i made on this table yuck all right becker do a breakdown of the chief comedy festival we were all so bummed we couldn't be there i heard it was a rousing success attended by all yeah i was pretty bummed you guys weren't there either uh um yeah it was definitely more low-key than the last ones low-key is a nice way to put it yeah is that is that a way to say total failure uh Unattended? There was a lot less going on

and there were at least two shows at the exact same time. Perfect. Because last minute before the shows, he moved all the podcasts up to the night slots with everyone else. Dude, he's so smart. Yes.

Which was the only thing I brought up at that lunch we had talking about it was like just spread it out yeah like if you're you know so that the fans can actually make it to everything and everything will be full instead of fans all the pyscher maniacs down there yeah dude people go pyscher crazy no he goes pyscher crazy when he sees strobe lights i sure get the wooden spoon it's time to laugh several people got very ill on the trains all the way to town whoa uh zach moss ended up in the hospital another what another yeah with some crazy infection they could not identify in his throat what did he do on that train he was eating street food outside of lawrence yeah i don't know and then somebody else got some crazy respiratory infection

on the train uh ron lynch cut his finger doing a magic trick really really bad on stage and like he i think he ended up going to the hospital. You mean festival headliner and massive draw, Ron Lynch? Were you there for that? I heard that that was pretty gross. He was bleeding everywhere. I was there. I had just walked in to catch his set and then walked in and saw him do that. I was like, that's

fake blood. I missed something. There's no way that this dude... He was mighty calm about it. No selling it. He just cut his just because he was like mighty calm about it no selling it yeah yeah he just like cut his fingers like oh hmm like dripping blood it was like oh god and then that uh gal who runs main street now allison the the crazy lady from la yeah Yeah. Yes. Her, she ran up on stage to help him clean it up. And then that was a whole thing. That was probably my favorite part of the festival was her getting a chance

to be in front of lights to shine. Yeah. She'd like saying a song and clean a man's finger of blood while also just trying to get it as many quips from the Carol Burnett show as she could. Yeah. She's yeah. She's wild wild she's like yeah exactly what you would think of uh somebody running a theater just a theater person like for

real yeah what she's like gunshot blast outside no hopefully it was a car backfired, bud. I don't know. Hopefully Duddy's not laying in the street right now. Is he bleeding out? He doesn't speak English. I mean, he doesn't speak Spanish. He can't insult anyone. He is helpless. Those shorts could be short

enough to insult a good Catholic Ecuadorian. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. His dick's out. Everybody's trying to tell him. He's like, buenos dias. Hola.

Si. Gracias. No tengo. And then just fucking his dick's out the bottom. He's been wearing sweatpants everywhere he goes. And I bet he could use some Manscaped products. It's been a while. One pair wearing sweatpants everywhere he goes and i bet he could use some manscape products it's been a while one pair of sweatpants what if my dad's smooth oh man he had the laser surgery years ago or it's just natural his balls just glistened you would have gone over the food offerings

at the festival spill the beans buddy guess what we had served to us as food at the festival just garbanzo beans? no that would have been an upgrade there were chips to be fair it was sliced deli meat

and sliced cheese and then like tiny little mini cupcakes from like a grocery store yes and that was our meal god both days oh my god same tray same tray same tray guess what the cool meal that was busted out at the last after party was beefaroni same trays same tray same trays so the tray just sat out for eight hours and only like zach moss and pysher ate it just picked over it and then went to town too matt oran yeah he doesn't have any discretion he he just goes for it god bless he likes a deli tray do you have any pumper

nickel bread no that's fine i'll make a sandwich with my tongue mustard i love mustard that's my oran impression give me some mustard i mustard dude uh yeah well it's year four just wanted to keep every dollar or what's going on well to be fair to wall-e he gave everybody like $30 worth of gift cards to the marketplace. The marketplace quit serving dinner at like six or seven. So that was, you know, like not an option for any comics desire to get full and eat their dinner before they had to be on stage. Like it was. God.

So, I mean, like technically there was a provision for you to eat but like a lot of people on their way out were like hey man like i i think these expire but do you want them i wasn't even able to use them while i was here holy that was on the toilet yeah zach did give me his i wonder if i would have gotten whatever he got uh Or if it was because of something stupid he did, like housed a kiwi that he found in an alley. I think it was probably train related. The doctor told him it was because he was exhausted from his road travels. Oh, okay. So he had hobo syndrome?

Yeah. Yeah, he got the black throat. I've seen that video. It's a good website. I texted him. Zach texted me when we were in Baja. Because in Dodge City, they performed at the same place that I performed and had one of the worst sets ever. It was so bad and i opened for

some dickhead who did like all the classic shitty road comic stuff like asked if anybody had blow i think he said the n-word yeah as a white guy yeah the classics are classics for a reason and everybody everybody loved him and i like barely got anything out of him oh and i don't know why zach knew i he i don't think he was there with me i thought it was just me in that headliner but well i think we all heard about it because he did so bad and he did so good that it kind of like reverberated through the halls of modern comedy yeah i asked him if how things were going and he said i think he said like ups and downs you would have been miserable so it was nice to hear that hear my fears confirmed i mean the lineups

for the chief were crazy i can't believe he got that much talent in one place yeah he likes to assemble a very random collection of avengers what have we got a spreadsheet all the comedians who've never sold one single ticket in the history of their careers in one place at one time what an experiment that would be uh well you know it's hard to book something only eight weeks out he bailed oh good my dad's nude is he smooth is he smooth or what jesus what a wild scene he's just gone full native down here what's the ball sack sitch dude it was he was wearing uh the smallest underwear i've ever seen and they were like folded over like a girl does with her sweatpants shorts. Oh.

Yeah. It rolled him up. Yeah. Yes. And he winked at me, and he had a razor in his hand. Maybe he was live streaming the pod. I'm just glad he wasn't the one that got shot. Yeah, he's okay.

Is he an hour away from you? Is that right? He's a ways away. Half hour walk. That's not bad. Yeah, not bad. No. So I traipse down here.

I got to say, I put up like 7,000 words in the three days I've been writing down here. So that rules. Hopefully I'll have the second book done by the time I leave or at least the first draft. Because I am writing hard as hell. And I keep telling people I don't want to do anything like uh the only thing that i've agreed upon so far is uh there's a fucking mountain here called i think chimborosa which is the closest point in the globe to the sun because it's on the equator so like uh it's like two meters closer than everest is to the sun even though everest is taller just due to like you know how the globe bulges in the middle or whatever so we're gonna

take a like a i don't know you know you know how the earth has a lump on its testicle right around the equator yeah that's not Manscaped's problem. Yeah, you're going to need a doctor for this one. You can't Manscaped your way out of this pickle. But yeah, so we're taking a train or a truck to the top of the mountain and then we're riding mountain bikes down it. It's like a 30-kilometer bike ride, but it's just all downhill.

Shit, yeah, that sounds cool. Yeah, that's cool it's scary to have to like prevent yourself from rocketing down there completely out of control i'm really scared yeah because like emily's like oh it'll be fine it's like emmy i'm probably two and a half of your little skinny scrawny ass. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to have to fight your own ass. I'm really scared.

Yeah. Cause I get bumped up there. They don't have any helicopters. People do it all the time. It's not like you're deciding to do this of your own accord. So I'm sure there's professionals in place. I don't know. Maybe maybe not maybe you're just gonna yeet yourself off of that mountain i'm very afraid to eat myself also do they have a bicycle made

with a my executive needs in in mind yeah maybe two bikes you could be ample man well what happened there's ample dudes down there something fell and it scared you dude i hope so because emily has a hundred percent confidence my dad you know he's a slap around charlie he's just going with the flow yeah yeah and i'm like i don't want to go i just want to write i want to stay home and write but no no i have to go live la vida loca just wear really bright colors so that you fall somewhere in a ravine they can find you dude i don't want to fall i know so if you fall somewhere in a ravine, they can find you. Dude, I don't want to fall. I know, but if you do, wear not black shirts. I don't have any cool clothes.

You're wearing a 7 Strong right now. I bet you got other cool clothes. Oh, yeah, I am wearing a 7 Strong, man. Remember that? Remember that sponsor we had? Yeah, for a cup of coffee. Did you ever get any shirts, Becker? Not one. All right. Well well thank you seven strong we've ascended he offered to give us some more shirts but no they're very nice people

i didn't get back to the shows in san diego nice i need to skate my man yeah are we good on time we got like four more minutes oh good make sure to check out the patreon i love that patreon guys i listen to all the episodes and i gotta say it's number one it rolls it's really good i don't know why we don't have the biggest patreon in the business we're getting everything's up i think the last thing you said was nine more people oh yeah then i have to get a tattoo and i'm so afraid of needles yeah guys hey do a favor join the patreon five as we stand right now we need five more people to join that patreon that's why we'll all get bako tattoos and beckers will say whatever you guys wanted to we'll do a big vote they're already doing it already doing it on the reddit uh i want mine to have i want to have word balloons coming

out of bako's mouth i want mine to say oh good that was my favorite on the reddit yeah lon what can yours could say someone said it should say thought criminal that made me laugh because you already have that dumb tattoo it's not dumb no it's very cool buddy you're right you have so many dumb tattoos no you have a tattoo that says cool guys only you have you have a tattoo who said who said never not funny fucking jimmy door jimmy pardo i think i do have a tattoo that says cool guys only it's only. It's above my butt and there's an arrow pointing down. So yes, you're right. I haven't thought about it.

Becker's terrified. I like school sucks. I like fuck your God. Fuck your God goes pretty hard. Fuck your God. If you get fuck on your body, that would rule. As my first and only tattoo. So we're all getting it back.

I know, but we're getting different word bubbles, I thought. Correct, yes. And yours will be the most explicit and awful one for sure. You're going to have to be all nabbed up when we take you in there. Yeah, I'm going to be gone Johnson.bed up when we take you in there yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna be gone johnson where are we gonna get our tattoos i don't know i gotta hurry go thigh again i don't know i'm i have no idea this is terrifying to me you're gonna love it it's not a big deal i remember really cool nervous about mine and unless you get them on like your ribs or your face or your toes it's not bad

mecker you should go full throat right here dude face under my face oh my god it'll look cool because the ninja turtles don't have necks and bako wouldn't have one because he'd be on your neck he'd just be head and shoulders oh my god please it's perfect right on the adam's apple yeah the adam's apple and the collarbone that has to be one of the worst things you can do. Please go throat, Becker. No. Come on. Hey, guys, if you join that Patreon, Becker will go full throat.

I will not do throat. Go throat. Woo. Oh, fuck. You should get a shell on your back. Like a whole back piece of a shell, yeah. Yeah. With like a shotgun attached. I'd have to be in like a way more

serious relationship i can't explain that to every woman the rest of forever every really how many women you think you're gonna have to explain it to dude one would be too many and then she would tell all the other women and then you wouldn't have to explain it anymore yeah she'll be like yeah becker's got really smooth balls but he has a ridiculous tattoo on his back so it's kind of it's kind of tough it's a push smoothest balls and show business though it's nice um you know what's nice guys only five more patreon yeah five more people and we're getting bako it will be numbers like four five and six as far as bako tattoos which is funny to me now patreon.com slash chubby behemoth everyone

get on there and then uh if you want to see me and lun come to manitou springs like it's not lun but manitou springs colorado june 1st denver 6 2 and 6 33. Oriental Theater for Lucha Libre and Laff's 10-year anniversary show. That will be very fun. Washington, D.C., 6-8, 6-9. Baltimore, 6-10. Soul Joles in Pottstown, 6-11. Pittsburgh, PA at King Fly Distillery. I'm coming to Milwaukee the following weekend.

Houston, rescheduled to 6-23. Sorry about that, Montana. But there were more things at play than I care to talk about. And then I got to say this, Australia in August. I'm coming down to old Australia, guys. Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane, Cairns, Canberra, hopefully Hobart, maybe pop over to New Zealand. Guiltfreecomedy.com has all those links, everyone. And then I'll see you in November, Europe, coming over there. You know,

you guys know that we do really well in fucking Slovakia. Yeah. We got to go to Eastern Europe. I'm going to Eastern Europe. I'm doing Bratislava. I'm doing Budapest, man. It's a whole scene,

baby. So come on out to those fun. Tell them where you're going to be. Comedy cabin in Janesville, Wisconsin, May 18th and 19th. Go to cabin laughs.com if you're in the janesville wisconsin area that's a new uh club i'm excited uh to be a part of uh

two beers with nathan's uh tax dodge of the venue i'll be in oklahoma cityth. Thanks to James Neame. That show is via Robot Save City. Let me see where that is. One second. 51st Street Speakeasy in Oklahoma City. What? Nothing. The dog is funny. The dog is very funny.

Yeah. The dog is barking. I'll be with Zach Smith. Our old friend Zach Smith is on that show. I guess I'm going to be closing out a roast battle show in Tulsa on June 9th. So if you're in Tulsa and you don't want to make the drive, stay tuned. And I'll plug that some more. And you can watch the best part of the best type of standup comedy,

the roast battle. Everybody loves it. Nobody's sick of it, but I won't be roasting or battling anybody. I'll just be, you know, being funny at the end. That's also judging the roast battle Chicago.

I'll be doing the house of blues and Tight Ship Comedy on Thursday, May 18th before I head up to the comedy comedy. I don't know, but they have an Instagram page and Two Beers with Nathan got me in there. So I'm going to do sets in Chicago. Good call. Thursday the 18th. Yeah. Why don't you plug something that's in

February of 2024. All right. Hilarities. 2024. Come see me in London. Hilarities. 2024. Come see me and London, the big room. Damn. Yeah. Uh, what the hell?

Good one. Yeah. Sam talent.com. Nathan, London.com. Donate to Nathan London.com for sure. Uh, join the Patreon.

We love you guys. Oh, and Hey, if you're listening to this and you're on the Patreon, uh, send your, uh, ask,

uh, Dr. T questions over there. Cause we'll do one of those while we're in Ecuador together. Ask Dr. T your medical questions, and we'll answer those for you live on the Patreon.com. Chubby Behemoth. We love you. Goodbye.