Chubby Behemoth - Ham-Ergency

Episode Date: March 11, 2022

Kink It Like A Hose. I Like Picnics. Ready To Stick.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

hello jacob how are you doing good how are you fucking feel like shit dude what's the matter with you i think i got food poisoning pretty bad i've been puking since like 10 o'clock last night what what'd you eat fucking some bread pudding my mom made bread pudding yeah and i'm fucking wrecked oh no man i'm sorry pal thanks dude why don't you just go lay down right now be done with it i just i don't know i i can't think straight so i hadn't thought of that but i gotta set up anyway if i lay down i get real pukey are you sick yeah i think my mom food poisoned my ass with some bread pudding wow laughing at him well my first thought was

not serious and that it was uh on purpose as opposed to an accident you think this signals a greater conspiracy that's where my brain goes when i've woken up i woke up four seconds ago and so i am scared of the world it's against me it's also against me playing in one side of my head, Buck Cherry and the other. You do look like you're a groundhog who just came out of the hole. It's knowing. I did see Becker in bed. Well,

nearly in bed with his nude father yesterday. Maybe your mom is jealous of you, Becker reverse Oedipal. No, I, I had stolen his recliner because he only has a recliner in a bed in his room to watch the car show we were watching so he was laying down with pajama pants on and then that towel on his chest is because he had dropped a joint on himself like 10 minutes before we called each other and burned the shit out of himself and it was so funny that sounds

like it might be true but it also might have just been to soak up all the cum you deposited on his chest yeah because you're the new bobby crane you bang your dad allegedly no believe me your mom was like oh i know what you hungry boys need you guys are just got done ravaging each other you must be famished have some bread pudding and you said yum yum yeah i was like oh sweet she's like yeah i'll pack you up a little bit to take home yeah you were like i like to eat anything i can eat with my teeth out because your dad makes you take your teeth out when you service him he's a tricky man yes tricky man who played the towel prank on his little boy oh check check this out one's got something well uh noma sent me a picture from 2012

and it oh it was the new year's now tell the folks at home who noma is my friend your ex noma yeah well it's also something to call her my friend because that's what she is more than my ex okay all right yeah blow up blow up our spot you asshole um you blew up her spot so much she had to leave you she's the reason i uh moved to denver so you should suck her dick yeah i know i'm a I'm a big nomahead. But yeah, she sent me a picture of artists that were performing on Fremont Street Experience around New Year's 2012. Otherwise, Pop Evil, Quiet Riot, Queensryche, Buck fucking Cherry. They will never leave the fremont street experience they're doomed to play there every six months until they all are dead i wonder what curse has befallen them

that has made them they stuck on fremont street in perpetuity well they had two hits on the radio and so there are limited places that they are in demand and one of them's definitely fremont street yeah where people are dumb as hell that's the trick to playing on fremont street you have to be able to make music for people who accidentally think their tongue is gum at least twice a year and chew it up like your wife yes wait she didn't do that you made that up right oh yeah of course i did i've never told the truth on this podcast i'm actually a 58 year old lebanese man my name is uk bong and i tend rice uh for a living i attended bar last night yeah you look like the bartender you did uh

did anyone put on some cool music and you got sucked relentlessly no dj no dj last night dj dj forced head um dj subliminal head games dj come soft presents yeah yeah that's what nothing but one what is that does that mean that that shows god is a real prankster you can be soft as hell and then jizz comes out and it's like come on what the fuck is this geez the tube wasn't even straight it was all it was all curly strawed in there and it still managed to spill i was kinked yeah um no i wish you could do that with your dick kink it like a hose and be like hey are you thirsty not yet well i'm getting coffee delivered oh nice is one of your concubines there

my the one known as creech creech baby oh creeching it's gonna call her a jugged up something i only got as far as jugged up man i'm i need some coffee so that i can finish sentences yeah put some of that coffee in you meanwhile let's get a becker update becker are you uh any need to vomit or throw up after seeing land no? No, I had a tiny sip of water because I had dry mouth at the beginning of this, and that seems to be not working well. But I think I'm going to try to have a cigarette. Yeah, I haven't kept water down since last night. That'll make you feel better, buddy.

Smoke a sick camel hundred. It might help with the headache. Yeah, sure. I mean, your body goes against everything science knows about man so sure your body is a zombie land yeah Bill Murray shows

up in it every now and then damn I don't know if I've been food poisoned this bad since I was like a small child is your stomach kinked right now does it feel like it's just twisted in in a little like a rag yeah and i feel like i'm like all cramped up on one side of my back from you know heaving too hard man you're gonna pop some blood vessels in your eyeballs shit man you're gonna pop some blood vessels in your eyeballs yeah that's a crazy that's a crazy look have you ever seen what somebody's just blasted their fucking peepers yeah and they

have all those burnt blood vessels on their nose too from being a roomy eyed drunk you used to get one eye red back in the day lund no oh yeah every now and then like you just fought the devil and won half the belt devil's my only friend no i don't i don't think i ever popped my my bvs oh for sure yeah you were red eyed lund you were buck charred i was a crazy bitch yes you were it's crazy i've never gone mental. You'd think that I might have some bouts of lunacy, but no, I've maintained a pretty even keel throughout the years. You lost it so long. Oh, you know, Pat reminded me.

Tell the folks at home who Pat is. Pat Richardson. Oh, yeah. You just man alive uh pat told me he was like remember last year at 51st jokes when sam was kissing everyone we were on mushrooms i was like oh that was why sam was so kissy wissy was the mushrooms yeah i only smooch boys though i'm uh'm not an adulterer. Let's clear that up right now. That's Emily's rules. Yeah, you can only kiss people who are grosser and fatter than you.

So I smooched Patrick Richardson, made out with Duncan a bunch. No, you didn't. I did, too. I was like, get over here, Duncan. Put that cigarette down. Duncan, put all those cigarettes down. Drop the turkey leg. Let me get a smooch no i said no i didn't want you did say no because you were hurt out

no i didn't want to yeah you were full-blown sore game it wasn't a sick game it was brotherhood and camaraderie no it was a bit and i didn't want to be a tag it couldn't have been less of a bit it was one of the most sincere acts i've ever engaged in was saying look how lucky we are to be surrounded by all these funny people in this community this kingdom we built brick by brick mostly me and you um and i was like get over here and give me a smooch because i feel so close to you guys the only thing that's next now is to uh consummate this with a little lip on lip action and everyone was like well if you're gonna kiss me do it before you kiss lun because he's full blown over there well you should have started with me since uh you know i was the fellow brick master md i didn't want to spread whatever disease you got from seeing buck cherry back in 2012 you know what i got you just said it

hurt oh yeah i know what you got you got me wrapped around your finger patrick loved it patrick was like can i have a kiss too yeah get over here and then he and then he shaved his beard and was like hey sam you haven't kissed me yet he does't love voice puts his shirt on backwards hey sam it's me he came up in blackface and he's like give me a kiss can i have a kiss i'm brandon patrick uh yeah that was fun man i didn't i mean i't tonguing people. I was just laying a little bit of love on people's mouths. I think I kissed Zach Moss. I think I kissed Hiker. We can never do that again, thanks to coronavirus.

Oh, I don't care. The only people that wouldn't kiss me were people who were, like, deeply closeted homosexuals. Oh, yeah, I was afraid I would love it. Yeah, you were like, what if this unlocks the door that I've been trying to keep closed? I'd kiss you every day, but you're all sloppy. You're sweaty, sloppy, up your own ass. We had those truffles that night. We had those psychedelic truffles. And we were all fucking bing-bong blasted.

I didn't have any. I think I had to drive, I guess. Hiker was like Adam Gilbert in the corner, just, again, again. Yes, everybody. I was passing Noah around. We were playing hand puppet. We made we made a Chinese finger trap. I don't know his mouth and ass.

That's the next step after smooching and just everyone turning out one body, one set of tubes. Illegal. He's just pissed. Jesus Christ. He's getting dumb on the dance floor. Just an orgy of male Denver comedians going hard. All sweaty from the mushrooms. Gally's completely nude.

Someone shaves his head. He looks like Creasy. I got two creases out there creasy sent me a video of you dancing and you pull out some pretty good moves oh dude that's the thing people don't know about me is how wit the rhythm i am we we busted them out we broke it down uh down in austin we were down there for that writer's retreat. Yeah. But I mean like your go-to dance move is really good and you're the best at it, but you only have one.

Whereas I have a myriad of tricks. No, you were all shoulders. You do lasso and pull across the room. And then everyone's like, Whoa, Lund's got a thing. Well,

I have the, I have invisible rope and then I have Dick on a string. Yeah. You have Dick on it. And I have, I have the two guns. Yep. Gun to the head, gun to the wean. Make sure the job is done. Both heads. Oh yeah. We did that too. When Bori was down here, we did that. And, uh, Hey London. So when, when, when the classic hits. Yeah, man, you guys were just like buck cherry on Fremont. You were all shoulders

everyone's heard you were all shoulders and then all of a sudden you did like kind of that uh thing where you put your hands on your knees and then uh switch switch your hands from knee to knee you know and you're like why doesn't anybody do this anymore no i was body rocking if i could really master the body rock it'd be over for everyone. There'd be blood on the dance floor because I'd be getting fucked by every dude in Denver. Too much body to rock. Yeah, too much body, not enough rock. It was fun.

I'm glad you guys had fun. Vegas is fun if you have some money and you do some activities. Did you guys eat? Oh, yeah. Did you have any other good food? Korean barbecue. They've got... Oh i wish no i mean not that you didn't have a bunch of other options but my buddy from college opened a sandwich place down there so uh could have told you to grab a sammy it looks

like they're killing it like they're going crazy with these sammies yeah it's really a lot of room to improve upon sandwiches what a revolutionary no come on man come on you go you go hard with the right bread and cheeses meats come on i mean there's levels you can have some basic shit that sucks and then you can really go hard and do it right and uh people can fucking come from a good sandwich come on i've never jizzed because of a meal well that's not a kitchen blade what is that this oh this is just uh i've been watching a lot of kill bill so i bought a mini samurai blade i use it to carve up my meat i got this fucking iberico ham up here that i eat every day and that is not good for me i bet i know becker went becker went black yeah because he knows if he has to shit he doesn't do it on the pod unlike

some people he's horky well i wish we could see him puke remember that movie uh critters yeah you look like a critter no i don't yes you do dude becker just let him look like a critter no i don't yes you do dude becker oh he's puking oh becker's kneeling near the porcelain throne then he's gone yeah just just turn the camera on now and then so we know that you're okay big boy yeah let's see the bowl when you're done to pop oh i don't think i want that come on here that'll wake you up it's a little uh smelling salts right underneath that critter-esque nose of yours somebody puked in the fucking urinal last week and it sucked but another guy cleaned it up this dude fucking saved my ass because i almost puked just cleaning up the bare remnants but he like i was like dude don't do it i have gloves i'm gonna do it when we when i close and then like

15 minutes later he comes out i clean that puke up i was like god god and i just imagined his bare hands just just scooping yeah meanwhile there's a biden sticker next to it that says i did this you know why he cleaned that puke up because he did it no i don't think it was him no one cleans up someone else's vomit out of a urinal and a fucking honky tonk down in south colorado he did it i don't think it was him it was for sure him who was it one of your best friends i'm not sure who it was there were like five guys in there and nobody copped to it. It was probably one of your infallible allies who you could never, never cast dispersions toward. Becker was in there and he did say that he had had way too much bread pudding

courtesy of, she just constantly fucks up bread pudding. She can't get it right. I mean, how do you fuck up bread pudding enough to poison your only boy maybe it turned it was like it was it she made it a week ago should have been fine because it's been in the fridge but shit happens dog roll those dice could come up snake eyes like you on the strip just blowing money left and right yeah i looked at my bank account today for the first time since i've been home and uh that's why i bought this blade because honorable

japanese suicide is the only way out at this point it's all gross you have another ham yeah i got another ham i got it for christmas let me see it no it's up it's in its case damn all right well do not do not open unless there's an emergency break in case of emergency everybody if you're listening to this please do me a favor and make a uh photoshop some version of nathan lunn looking like a critter that we can post all over because it is undeniable dude no yeah turn into a care bear how have i never noticed this before

i don't know i got if you were a care bear the emblem on your stomach would just be you holding a human head it'd be like oh here's love uh-oh there's the care bear of calm and then it's you the misanthropist it would be your head yeah making you suck my day post-mortem post decapitation that would suck. That'd be pretty cool, though, if you did behead someone, you could use their mouth and the stump. Somebody did that. Kemper did that with his mom's fucking head,

I think. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. The Rain Man. Sean Kemper. No, head. Oh, God. Bubble Butt, I think, is what he bumble bumble butt bumble but that's yes because i dressed as ed kemper once and went to the last podcast on the left uh halloween bacchanal in la with emmy because emmy loves that fucking show and i dressed as bumble but kemper and everyone was like oh look it's bumblebutt and then there was like a dude who really looked like kemper and i was pissed there was like you know kemper's just a big fat guy with glasses and a bowl cut so of

course half the room was kept out because everyone there was it was just a kemperthon pretty much it was like me dressing up like Manson. Yeah, exactly. Too easy. Wow, I just had the long hair. That was back when you were gaunt and emaciated. I forgot. Yeah, I was 135 pounds. No, I was fat Manson.

Fat Manson's here. I was fat Edward Scissorhands once. Yeah. You were fat Marilyn Monroe. Yeah. Next year you use the same wig and just win as Anna Nicole Smith. Normal. Right before the end. Yeah.

Shout out to our fan, AJ Splendor over there somewhere in the Eastern seaboard, always posting cool Anna Nicole videos. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Like there's a bunch of accounts that just show Anna in various states of disrepair.

And it's good to be reminded of my roots. From her show? From the show on E? TMZ footage, various tabloid footage, some stuff from the show. God, it's good to know that you're foundation. It's like uh when

jordan would go out and just take some jump shots in the yard that's with me with anna nicole if i want to work out some old evil uh uh oh actually she was uh pimping or not pimping she was hocking that supplement that she lost a bunch of weight. Yeah. It was like a speed pill or whatever, diet pill. What was it called? Like Xenadrine? I can't remember. I remember because when she died, Red vs. Black was on the road, my band.

And we went into a Walgreens. And all of that supplement was just like buy one get 10 you know what i mean it was like well it killed an american sex goddess so now we have it for free and we decided that instead of spending money on food we would just survive off of speed pills yeah because that's what husker do did back in the day. And we were, you know, fully, uh, uh, you know, lost in the church of our band could be your life.

So yeah, we just ate speed pills and traveled across for this whole tour and like only drank like, uh, you know, Colt 45 forties and eight speed pills. And our set ended up becoming like 17 minutes long. Like it went from like 40 minutes.

I think we cut it down to 23 at one point because we were so tapped into the it what's that it out there in it capital i t it oh i thought you had a little clown with you killing kids no no um i wonder can we get a Becker update? Becker, have you drowned in your own filth? Damn it. Are you face down in the sick? One's on his phone, so I'll take over. I want to know the name of that damn pill, and I didn't want to make...

Becker? I didn't want to make... Oh, Trim Spa. Trim Spa. Pretty rough. Did you make a big mess? I made it to the trash can. So it's not a mess. You were just in front of the toilet.

You went from toilet to trash. That was the trash can. I was in my living room. Oh, okay. Sam's so stupid. He doesn't know what a toilet looks like. Well,

I use the trash can as a toilet. I can't be bothered to get up and take the 30 steps. So you're like, I'll look that recycle bin. You're like Andre the giant recycle bin you're like andre the giant you just shit in your bed yeah and then make it into a bindle all the sheets just bindle it up and then take it outside put it in the dumpster that's how i'll know that i've attained like true celebrities where you can just shit in your bed and leave the sheets in the hallway and you get flown to japan you get flowers yeah people people ask you to uh pose with the bindle

of shit and piss and take photos i remember there was a show about the last 24 hours of different celebrities before they died yeah most most of them were fun like or you know obviously tragic but like exciting because yeah i know that was the wrong word but like they were people like keith moon you know was partying howling at the moon like almost ran somebody over it with a car or whatever after a show and then the next morning he was dead so like you know it was it was an interesting show And then they get to Anna Nicole Smith. I don't know if I've talked about this on the pod, but she just was sleeping a bunch because she was on pills.

And then eventually, you know, at some point her heart stopped or whatever. And nobody really knew because she often slept during the day or whatever. So it was such a weird person to pick for an episode of that show because it was just like the you know the house the housekeeper came over and did some work and then checked in on anna mccall still sleeping like that was it like people looked in on her and they're like i think she's okay and then she wasn't i was like oh cool episode so her last day on earth was like every day off that you have oh yeah the life you're in bed sleepy creech comes in pokes you with a stick vacuuming around me yeah put a mirror under my

nose nobody nobody grabbed a mirror yeah you're like you're like the hybrid of chris farley and anna nicole Nicole Smith's last day. You face down, begging a prostitute to stay. It's actually Creech. You're confused because you're asleep. Honk her boob, and then I die. Creech has really been posting some stuff on Instagram, huh? Her stories are lit.

Yeah, pretty good, right? She's woke. She's angry. And then a lot of cool a lot of cool art anti-capitalist i should show you the fat stack i got over here let's see it you want to stack compare lund getting getting his stack out. He got... Oh, shit, Lund. Pretty good stack. Damn, dude.

You're like little Nas X. I can do the phone thing. You guys were doing it in Vegas, right? That was pretty good. The phone thing. Oh, yeah. Here's my stack for comparison. Hello? Oh, hello. Oh, shit. That's... oh yeah here's my stack for comparison hello oh hello oh hey that's that's like three times mine you got some ones in there though you piece of shit there's uh forty dollars and ones in the back here because i refuse to give

them to the stripper this dude took them back from the pillow yeah Yeah. Sophie found out about my little bag where I keep all the money I make from merch and really made herself at home in there. Peeling them off? Peeling them off, dude. She was up here for some reason. Oh, it was the Super Bowl. And she was like,

Hey, I found your cash bag, LOL, going to Sephora. And I was like, Bitch, did you find the gun because you're gonna that's next yeah why would she find it was it somewhere where you could only stumble upon it mid snooping no it's in one of these two drawers right here right by the knife the knife's above the drawer speaking of cash if you want to help Lund add to his bankroll

so he can afford to buy himself some more breasts, join our Patreon at patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Get on there and find hours and hours, days worth, weeks worth of content from us, your favorite podcast hosts,

Nathan Lund and Sam Talent. worth of content from us your favorite podcast hosts nathan loond and sam talent we bring the heat to your monkey asses a lot of good yeah a lot of good ones are uh patreon hold on i'm reading the copy i think it's evenly split uh top 10 i'll bet five or patreons five are free if i had to guess luckily, you don't have to guess because I can attest to the fact that all of our good stuff is behind the paywall on patreon.com

slash chubby behemoth podcast. We have to get Becker a new trash can that he can fill up with more vom, so please join the Patreon and be a part of the chubby revolution. And copy. I was going to go into one for

Trim Spa is a sponsor. They texted me after I googled them. They immediately reached out because Google just just you know direct pipeline from my phone to uh everything that i look up and they said hey want to be the next santa nicole want to glow up right before you blow up art wise you want to get skinny and then die uh hit us up so yeah trim spa uh coming soon sponsoring the pod we're gonna yeah you're gonna

finally be done with keto and we're gonna just take a pill and we're gonna look better than we ever have before and then we're gonna pass away because our bodies will be too thin for our heads well yeah i mean she was a woman known for her novelty size breasts and we're men known for our novelty size breasts so it all kind of works out i want to be done with keto so bad i wish i didn't waste all my early years just packing on pounds full of bullshit i'd like to blow it up later you know i want to go brando oh really i feel like uh i might try to get healthy in my 40s so i don't die in my 50s. What's your plan to get healthy? What are you going to do? Eat better,

work out. You're obviously not going to do all that, so you know what you should do? Trim spa, baby. Eat whatever I want, smoke six. Bang old dudes and hope they die before you.

Oh, I was going to say you broke up. Mm-hmm. Bang old dudes and hope they die before you. Oh, I was going to say... You broke up. I can't hear you if you're talking. We lose him. Damn, we lost Len. He was about to say it, too. He said, I was going to say it. Come back on.

Yeah. Hold on. I hear you now. on don't don't quit on me okay can you hear me yeah okay i think i had a hiccup i took my phone off of my wi-fi yeah if you can just not play candy crush for the next half hour i'm not i looked two seconds because i wanted to know is creech uh webcamming in the next room what's going on why is your connection so bad she's probably playing gta5 and listening to the last podcast on the left she plays gta5 no she hasn't played video games um i thought you had a gamer girl i. I said, were you like me? And when you saw that Anna Nicole was banging that old guy,

you got really bummed. No, I was happy for her. I hated it. I was like, no, she's so hot. Why would she bang some old fucking gross dude? Well, I wasn't a naive little baby like you. I understood that it was a cash exchange going down. Meanwhile, you still believed in

love and heaven and god yeah yeah you were like god why would god allow this he looks like the grip keeper yeah it was before i fucking went to college and had my eyes opened to the truth yeah uh there is no god there is no god i mean you were still young hot lun back then you were big lipped uh bleach tipped lun so i understood you had a shot no i just thought it was weird like i was like 12 years old i was like what if i use this hand that's what i was figuring out you're jerking off to the old guy you didn't care as long as they were alive they were fair game yeah it was that nascent period but you're still figuring out what works for you and i think did she go on stern and then and he was like come on

like you don't love this guy and she's like i do i love him he's so funny and I was like shut up we have a lot of similar interests we both sleep 22 hours out of the damn day he loves milk and I like heating it up in the microwave so hell I think we're a match made in heaven Howard Stern was like I have a match for you

um it's me and your manager we have the same name oh yeah and then they got married breaking up again no yeah huh they got married the two of them he was her lawyer right not her manager i don't know i don't know i just fucking really loved her. And there's a heaven. I'll get first dibs. She was Gianna before Gianna came along.

Gianna has more of like a dead-eyed, I'll let you do whatever you want to me in a gas station type vibe. Whereas Anna Nicole Smith was like, I like picnics. I'll bake biscuits. And Gianna's like, I'll spit in your mouth before you spit in my mouth. And we'll spit in each other's mouths and then we'll all cum. Like. And Gianna's like, I'll spit in your mouth before you spit in my mouth. And we'll spit in each other's mouths. And then we'll all cum. Like, that's Gianna.

You know what I love? Cum. And then Nicole's like, you know what I love? Dolly Parton music videos. What else? Who else have we jerked off to? No, we can't just do that. This is a wholesome podcast,

and we have a lot of young listeners now. We have an influx of 12 to 15-year-olds who are come town's ending, so they moved over here. Is it? I think so, yes. We just have a bunch of dead-eyed sociopaths whose address is on the internet.

Look, they're here, and you don't have to be an edgelord to have fun you can be uh you know two healthy young men in the prime of their lives just goofing while their buddy throws up that can be a podcast too let's check in on becker that was our becker toilet update. All right. He's alive. You can't puke if you're dead. Becker's just face down with his legs kicking in the air in the toilet.

He accidentally flushes himself. Help. You should go over there and check on him. Yeah, right. Yeah, who cares? yeah right yeah who cares if he doesn't if he doesn't switch on before we're done then I'll go over there

yeah there's some creature over there tell her to put on her maid uniform shit what do you got coming up that you're excited about what do I have coming up that I'm excited about yeah i don't know coffee hasn't kicked in yet i'm floundering man you're like ellen you're so good at asking questions you really cut to the

chorus i'm gonna do byron allen so i heard that um you uh walked in on your wife in a pretty crazy situation uh you want to talk a little bit further about that well byron um yeah i walked in and um you know i come home after a long day walking the dog and my wife's sitting in there and there's these uh six vietnamese fellas and they're screaming didi mao didi mao she's got the gun to her head and uh she gives that barrel a little uh flick of the wrist pulls the trigger and all of a sudden we own a rice patty down in hanoi so yeah pretty crazy situation fire man that is fun stuff uh and now miss pat i have heard i have heard that you have a couple of sons that

are always getting into trouble you want to expound on that for a little bit while i'm going to count this cash i can't do the voice because you know we don't do that oh yeah i was just kind of trying to do a little bit like a lower byron allen voice without it descending into caricature no i mean miss pat's voice full-blown miss pat on here but you know we have we have budding careers to worry about uh oh yeah tell me what flight you're on to milwaukee so that i can get a ride too so i don't know if you're too stupid to read or you have the memory of a snail but i'm flying from london directly to milwaukee oh you didn't say that you

said you were flying from milwaukee to london so you don't know where sentences start and where they end no oh you didn't know you think time is a flat circle yo ass better call somebody road dog and anna mccall smith would have been a perfect match two of the hottest uh acts in the 1990s dude billy gunn would have pounded the shit out of anna nicole now see that yeah that would have been cool if i would have made sense if yes if i would have found out that was what i i think uh did not like was just like the it's just like ah that you're gonna you're gonna look and bang look at it and bang that guy every day come on no she didn't bang him every day she probably gave him manual hand release yeah uh

every month when the check cleared he came soft for sure oh yeah he couldn't get hard and uh breathe you know what i mean like his body had to choose he also couldn't talk while he was eating you know like his body could only do one thing at a time yeah whenever he came his dick molted the skin like an old snake or some kind of butterfly in a cocoon uh well you know what's crazy butterflies i'm gonna i'm gonna have to look up flights and I'm going to be pissed because I feel like gas thing must have affected ticket prices too for airlines. This might be the worst content on any podcast ever. Oh yeah, let's get back to coming soft.

You brought it up. You called back to it. It wasn't me. Well, that's what you like. I don't like to come. I'm trying to make you happy by it. I'm trying to make you happy. Have you ever trying to make you happy have you ever came soft when you're uh you're really pushing a tiny guy you know like it's really cold and you've been working out and then you just blast a soft nut and it's like

it's like a dog sneeze like a little flat pug nose just sneezed that's a bad one the worst i think i've talked about it the worst uh was when I was a freshman in college. There was a girl that went to my high school that came up to check out the school. And she like let it be known that she was down to hook up later. But she had to like go hang out with some friends. And I was like, holy shit. You're like, cool. She's going to come pound my mound.

I was like, I'm going to get laid. And then i like celebrated with my friends and drank too much and then we celebrated i was like yeah oh yeah what are you talking about i was stoked and then insane shut up i don't tell anyone you tell everyone no way dude i went on the student radio and i was like i'm getting late breaking news um but yeah we i'm nathan lund from the movie critters and i'm about to get slurped by a 17 year old girl far from home this is kurt loader um i'm about to kurt unload her lund's gonna get lund's gonna get blowed uh. But yeah, I drank too much. And then we met back up and I was like soft. And then somehow came into like a condom that was barely on because I was soft.

It was the worst. Everybody made fun of me. She called her dad. He came to beat you up. Everybody knew. He called her dad. He's like, let me show you how to fuck my daughter. You soft dick little pud

i loved you in the movie critters get over here oh man yeah god what a nightmare last episode i said something about how i had a lot of fun in college but not that night i had a decent amount of fun in college, but I went to a commuter school. I wasn't like you, Van Wilding my way through the days. I didn't have like a, you know,

South Asian roommate. I wasn't selling pancakes as a fake fundraiser for the fire department and actually buying fireworks. It was just a real missionary style. Put your nose down, fail 12 classes type situation. I failed 12 classes. That's so stupid. It's insane.

What was I so busy doing that I couldn't attend the physics of sound and music? Was it that you weren't going or that you weren't studying or both? There was three classes that were just like really hard. I could pull up my transcript right now. No. No? No. I don't care what classes that were just like really hard i could pull up my transcript right now no no no i don't care what classes they were i didn't know if you were going and then just struggling you just didn't get it you're so dumb you're like oh yeah no there was one that was the

physics of sound and music i was like cool sound and music i'm a funky guy i like vibing on the snare drum i got there and i like julie i like julie andrews yeah you first day you're like wait are we not talking about the sound of music get out wait this isn't like a nazi sympathizer class i'm out of here what that's fine you're trying to get a new audience come down that's what that movie was about dude i know but you didn't have to act like that's what that's the part of it that you liked oh yeah i shouldn't have said the funny thing you're right i'm sorry mea culpa everybody you

should have fallen down a hill in the swiss alps i would have loved that i would like to fall into a chocolate river like augustus gloop fat icon he was like lizzo for boys like me wad king yeah oh shit that's that's how that's how i get my name on the hollywood walk of fame this is how i went get fatter yeah get fatter get an agent get paid i. Get an agent. Get paid. I bet if we watch that movie now, he's not even like fat. He just has a big head and he's kind of sweaty and red. He probably weighed like 140 pounds and they were like, get him in the cage. Back beast.

Back. No, he was big. I mean, he was very young, so it's not like he was adult man. He wasn't Farley, but he was Beluched. Yeah, he ate a lot of sausages at one point in that movie, and I was always like, damn, this kid gets it. All this candy is stupid. I want to be eating sausages and cabbage with the gloop man.

Beluchy wasn't that big. People act like he was big, but he wasn't. Yeah, we've covered that ground. Ground beef. Very good. Yeah, so I failed all these classes, i mean i was having fun i went to jail at metro one time because i was too drunk on campus they had a school jail they did yeah they have it over there near the uh there's like a secret light rail stop on metro and it's back there and I just remember I drank like fucking

fifth of blackberry rum some bullshit with Sam Gamgee and then we were like off to school to prove to daddy I'm not a fool R.I.P. Gamgee he's down there in hell bothering the devil the devil's trying to trade him up to heaven and God's like

pass devil the devil's trying to trade him up to heaven and god's like pass he's trying to hit on anna nicole yeah anna's anna's like look i fucked a lot of fucking gross freaks but gamgee no dice at gamgee's funeral did you come to our little uh celebration of life that we had i think he threw away a bunch of my clothes so no i didn't go and i didn't go to high school with him so i didn't have to go yeah it was just a bunch of us there and like uh we uh joe hatfield who also hit me up and was like i remember when sophie would tell you to touch your toes when you were holding in turns. He's like, that was 100% corroborated. All that shit we talked about with the go to the bathroom,

Sam situation. But yeah, we were all there and we were like, you know, people were trying to say nice stuff about Gamgee, but they really couldn't. So people with this, we kind of disagreed upon. I'm like,

Gamgee was alive and now he no longer is yeah he was a man and he was 33 years of age we all went to high school with him then we lived with him sometimes we talked sometimes we listened gamgee you are no longer here. And we remember that you are not around. That was like the best we could do to eulogize is we're the weird ass. Poor guy. He was tortured. Yeah. Solid stuff.

Who else died? A bunch. Yeah. A of betheans went down oh yeah we've talked about that it was as if pennywise the clown was terror freddy krueger some type of uh child killer monster situation was happening out there oh yeah and it wasn't every seven years. It was like every seven weeks. Yeah. Like they'd find someone with their head in a thresher and be like, well, that's why you don't do benzos at work, you know?

The trim spa strikes again. You got to eat food. You can't just take trim spa, baby. If there is a heaven, though, Gangiel Beast be up there sitting on Anna Nicole's tits. He liked them. Novelty size. I've one time opened a folder on his laptop when he was asleep. heaven though gang you'll be up there sitting on in a nicole's tits he liked them novelty size i've

one time opened a folder on his laptop when he was asleep oh my god he was into some perverse macabre shit like big boobs no like big boobs like covered in blood like uh you know that fucking japanese tentacle shit before it was cool before it became a meme and it was just like a secret thing you needed bitcoin to buy gamge was up on that i had no idea about that until one night when a few of us were drinking in high school and my friends uh put on i think it was yurasaki doji i think is what is the name of it you think it is even though you said it 100 perfect i don't know i think it i think it is burned into my brain because it was wild stuff i had no idea and uh yeah you remember shit like that i've never seen it i don't know if it's even considered hentai or if it's just like a different kind of weird Japanese anime. But regardless, we all came soft.

Except for my buddy Conrad. He was hard as a rock. You just sit there and you're all watching it, acting to be horrified. And then out of nowhere, someone goes, Nothing! Nothing happened over here. Yeah, they just breathe hard because they're trying not to moan yeah what was that oh nothing i was just sighing thinking about how we're all gonna die someday

this is the best days of our life you know it doesn't get better than this youth fades i remember when i was a kid i think you came to this monster animated monster fucking chick to death. I remember one time we were all watching Porky's, uh, me and, the Raider brothers. I think Andrew Jacob Quinn was there. And,

this other kid who shall not be named. We were watching Porky's. And after they, we saw the tits, he was like, I think I'm going to take a shower. The way nobody ever would. it's like what you fucking reek all the time why would you shower right now when we're hanging out yeah i just need to go hose

it off real quick i know what you were doing in there was it his house no it was not his house oh shit that's what i'm talking about not even his house power move completely out of nowhere i think that was the same birthday party where we went to um there's an alpine slide in the mountains here kind of like a knott's berry farm-esque situation and i was on the alpine slide and i hit a rabbit and crushed it and went flying off the slide what i told you about this no oh yeah uh the raiders took us up to the mountains and they put us on these little like sleds on the alpine side and a rabbit ran in front of me you're talking about you're talking about like dennis raider and his family you're hanging

out with the raiders yeah dennis and kemper denn Dennis the Menace Raider that was almost the name journalists were like alright he binds he tortures and he kills I'm thinking BTK and then some other guy is like what about Dennis the Menace

now that's got legs I can see that on the front page Dennis the Menace kills again Now that's got legs. I can see that on the front page. Dennis Jimenez kills again. Mr. Wilson furious. Mr. Wilson on high alert. Mr. Wilson in protective custody. His wife's head is missing.

Oh, man. custody his wife's head is missing oh man but yeah i hit this rabbit and just squashed it and i went tumbling and scraped up my knee in uh on snow no no it was on an alpine slide it was going very very fast it's like a metal luge that you put your body on on a little sled and you ride down it oh okay and i like ripped a rabbit in half with my little fat boy body. Did you have blood on you? I mean, my knee was all scraped up and then they thought it was the funniest thing in the world. And old Cecil Raider told it all the time down at the VFW.

He's like, I don't know if y'all know this little fucking pant load that runs around over there off highway one 150, but good God, he really turned a rabbit to ash with his wide, ample body. Did you watch Class Action Park? No. That's what I thought about. Is that documentary? Oh, yes.

Chris Gethard's in it. That was wild wild i watched it what a weird uh what a weird thing yeah just to have unregulated like just the wild west of uh kids in jersey riding slides and getting hurt getting electrocuted some are fun with like and a kid died every year or so it wasn't like oh yeah you know it was open for 15 years and then tragically one day a young child died it was like a constant thing people got hurt really bad or killed and then it just for some reason just was able to stay open anyway that's where dayton beset was conceived oh shit yeah

born sense born out of tragedy we had uh we had a carnival that came to uh that came to town it was called parker days and it was there in uh douglas county colorado and that was a big hub for uh you know innocent sin you know a lot of first times a couple last times went down over there sometime uh we ate some acid but it was bunk so we went across the street to the safe way and found some morning glory seeds because we heard if you ate those you would get all fucked up on the lsa that is inside of them but uh we ate the morning glory seeds and then we realized after we ate them probably sometime around when I was throwing up blood they were treated with a pesticide

so we had just eaten like a bunch of you know seeds ensconced in like roundup DDT yeah uh huh yeah I fucking Jake the snake my own ass you guys were all doing Jake the snake mm-hmm yes I got damn it

what about now i'm just trying to catch a little buzz to forget about my haunted past forget about what my damn daddy did to me out there at parker days yeah so we uh that was a bad time but shout out to parker days i think i saw one of my first sets there. That was pretty sick. Whoa. Yeah. We, uh, we had a carnival that was, uh,

in the parking lot of one of the Catholic schools and it was always fun. And then like a few years after I left, uh, Illinois, one of the rides, I think the zip, you know, one of the rides where you could flip in the,

I think it was a zipper, uh, malfunction. And a couple of people were just stuck in the car, maybe upside down, maybe not for like hours and hours before they were able to get freed. And I went to school with one of the girls that was stuck up there and it sounded awful, just maddening. Just wondering if that's going to be it. If you die at like 16 because you went to a carnival it was up but everybody was okay you didn't have enough tickets to get on the mine shaft so you had to go on the zipper zipper was a good one ring of

fire was okay i think the zipper would might have been the best one because the the cage flipped as you were going around and around. You had the two big arms, I think, and then they were rotating, and then you also had your car was able to flip freely. So there was a lot going on. I think the scariest ride was the unzipper, and that was where Cecil Rader found you in the parking lot and showed you his giant dick. Want to see me pull a rabbit out of my pants?

Hey, is this bigger than that damn rabbit you squished with your fat little boy tits? Get over here. Let me put gasoline in my diesel truck and then tell you that if we drove any further, it would have exploded and killed us all. Let that be a memory that haunts you. Did he do that or did you do that? That the same fucking birthday clay raiders birthday and cecil went he went to his job site i think he had a couple of them and uh he was stealing gas and he put a bunch of gasoline in his diesel truck and then like when we got i don't know a mile down the road he was like

hey fellas did you all notice if that handle was green or black uh we don't know yeah they make it easy they make it easy for you they color code it psychopath um but yeah then he made his the he made his uh oldest boy uh start the siphon and he drank a bunch of gas no way yeah oh shit oh yeah dude those raider boys were wild one time in high school clay raider uh went to he was so fired up during a jv football game that he headbutted andy quinn but andy quinn had a helmet on and clay did not and he busted his tooth out clay was that kid we hung out with he was one of the cowboys we hung out with in Oklahoma City. Oh, yeah. Nice. His mom was there.

That was his mom. I remember talking to those guys. That was fun because they were doing their thing. We were doing our thing. And obviously, I'm always so glad. It's so funny that we pick like comedy or comedy chose us. Thanks, God. Because there's all these other ways that you can perform and entertain and like try to be get better and better at a craft.

And ours is talking into a microphone and trying to make people giggle. And that's way, way, way easier, safer, better way to make money than Bronco riding bull riding uh professional wrestling getting dumped on your fucking head 10 times a night magician total pant load everybody laughs at you when when they're not uh marveling at you know where did the penny go um we're pretty blessed i'd say and also a bunch of comics almost ruin it because they're wads they suck they're idiots you know they're bad at it i i would i would venture to guess that there's more sex assaults in comedy than there are in the rodeo world yeah those rodeo guys they all they do from the age of like eight until they are eventually you know debilitated is just wear tight jeans and then

hop on an animal and squish their nads i wonder if rodeo guys can even get sprung if you're a rodeo guy out there hit us up with a picture of your rock hard cock hit up clay i'm not gonna hit up clay and ask if his balls work all right well all they do is just put on like pants that are you know starched real stiff and then sit on an animal who bucks against their little boy privates the whole time. They're not little boys anymore. They're grown-ass men. Well, yeah, but if you get all that animal testosterone through osmosis,

you probably don't grow a big one. That's all I'm saying. You think testosterone hinders a boner? I don't know how it works. You also... I don't know how it works you also i don't know i feel like they are uh probably harder than most because there's uh tasting death and as a result this you know surviving a dangerous encounter makes you just like amped you know you're just like there's blood pumped through your veins your dick has veins ergo blood in the dick you're ready to stick yeah i think you're probably right actually i

rescind my previous comments um too late fuck what do i do all these rodeo boys are gonna come out and wear me like a hat they're gonna ride you yeah i'm gonna be they're gonna show me their belt buckle it's not one they're wearing. Yeah, that's going to be imprinted on your ass from all the thrusting. I wonder, is it too late for us to become rodeo guys? It is, yeah. I think you've got to get into it young so you can learn how to fall. It's much like wrestling. You have to learn how to fall, take bumps.

You've got to take bumps of, you know, trucker speed, trim spa, baby. You got to snort it, and then you get on the bull. And yeah, eight seconds. I went to rodeo school one time, and they put me in a pen and put a saddle on my back. I mean, it was... Next thing you know, I got some cowboy's nuts on my neck. Yeah, and he's like, do I feel soft? Do I come soft? No, I don't. let me glaze the donut uh so what do you got coming up that you're excited about sam let's glaze this donut

uh well lun let me tell you um tomorrow i am at the denver comedy underground as i am on saturday come out and see me at the denver comedy underground nice right there in denver colorado if we sell enough tickets i'm gonna get gordy a rocking set of tits i'm gonna get him a little breast transplant uh mine to him the 16th i'll be in toronto opening for Timothy Dillon at some theater. Don't know why I'm plugging that. I'm sure he's doing fine. The 17th, 18th, 19th, I am at Comedy Club on State in Madison, Wisconsin. Come out and see me. I wonder if we've sold a single ticket.

Only time will tell. St. Patrick's Day weekend in Madison, Wisconsin at Comedy Club on State featuring me, Sam Talent. You just said that. I know I was reiterating. Cause a lot of people who listen to this are hardworking men with calluses or working a jackhammer right now. Maybe they're, uh, you know, putting that birdiezo clamp on a lamb making withers out of its nuts.

I'm not sure the 20th, 21st and 23rd. I am in Key West, Florida. Come on out to those shows at comedy club key west my wife will be there will she dump them out come find out uh the 26th i'm in denver at the paramount theater opening for tim dillon again and that's the end of the story i will also be in denver doing the show that you bailed on Lucha Libre and Laughs March 25th and the night before the 24th I'm doing a Steve Vanderplug

show at Lukey Brewing in Arvada whoa oh I'm on a Vanderplug show tonight if Becker survives no it's not coming up tonight he's gonna have to get some Gatorade yeah I mean he hasn't surfaced in a while yeah we should probably check on him i'll go over there or i'll call 9-1-1 i'll say there's a guy

that i want you to check on he has several guns and some size he has every ninja turtle weapon that you can imagine and a couple that you probably don't remember so be careful be careful when you go in the door uh oh there he is i'm doing okay i just wore my ass out i'm like about to pass out okay you look good we're wrapping up thank you for uh for producing yeah we need the episode up right away i'm just yeah immediately i'm kidding look you can be sick on your own time all right i might get it up tonight we'll see oh yeah i might get it up tonight you sound like long once a year let's uh let's plug milwaukee laugh and tap me and you april 7th 8th and 9th oh yeah that's coming up that's coming up let's go over there let's go do those shows

oh and uh colorado springs i'll be there uh april 15th tax day if you file if you believe uh be at a it's a new spot new uh new show in colorado springs i can't think of the damn venue but it's a like a bar and grill kind of a thing. We got time. I'll update you. Springs folks, you fucking Bible thumping, Air Force loving motherfuckers,

you James Thompson fucking following pieces of shit. I'll come up there and slap and tickle, make you giggle. It would suck if this was the last thing that Becker ever heard it was me plugging a show yeah you plugging a show shut up everybody's gonna come they're gonna come soft and they're gonna come again

then they're gonna take a shower even though they don't live at the venue they're gonna be like I'm gonna take a shower what nothing that's good um all right well we love y'all get on the patreon uh pray for becker and uh light a candle for old anna nicole she's up there somewhere getting felt up by a carny