Chubby Behemoth - Hissing Like A Vampire

Episode Date: September 28, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/   SPONSORS: Cash App - Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Visit https://www.cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. #CashAppPartner   HelloFresh - Support the show and get 10 free HelloFresh meals, plus a free item for life. Head to https://www.hellofresh.com/CHUBBY10FM   Chubbies - Your new wardrobe awaits! Get $10 off @chubbies with the code CHUBBY at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/chubby #chubbiespod   PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are coming to you from Austin Texas. Nathan has been blurry, fuzzy and scratchy, is reminded of movie on the quad, and got his car up to 125. Sam just wants to hold the beretta, tells us about what he saw sitting at first base, and pants are too high from doing the Lund. Flying the Butt Signal.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Don't unplug those chords when you're leaning around. Let's mic up the city of Austin so that we can hear all of its beautiful music. That's definitely going to bleed in a little bit. Yeah, it's cool. There's a fucking party. You're going to hear a bunch of fucking Honda, HRVs revving up and down the street. Probably sorority girls bouncing off the hood have said CRV. What's an HRV?

I don't know. It's the smaller CRV. After he corrected himself, I realized it was. was a happy accident, but I was blown away that you knew an obscure car model there. I know the HRV. I know the quarter size, the QRV. I like the one that's an eighth size. You can barely fit your head and...

They call it the baggie. Yeah. You're going to hear... Honda baggie. Yeah, the Honda, can I get something at 3 a.m.? Outside is bleeding through, as it's been for us, even though we're 20 stories up in this fucking tower of glass and concrete. 2,000 feet in the air.

And Austin is still here. screaming right into our ears. Fucking Rocky Mountain Way at 6 a.m. Heralding the sun. So everyone out there can do their scratchers to the soundtrack of the Walsh man. They're just scratching their forearms. Yeah, they're having a cortisone reaction

to different marijuana strains. That's me. Yeah, someone's been blurry and fuzzy and scratchy. It happens. Fuzzy was on the show in The Little Boy. I'm not fuzzy. I was itchy, and I think it's because of what you said, Jamaican-based weed. Jamaican me, itchy.

Jamaican me have an allergic reaction, yeah. Chocaloop. So I got to stay away from them, and maybe I'll be cured. What are we going to do when we do our shows in Kingston next year? We're having to bring her out. Bring my own. You're going to be red. You're just going to be inflamed.

You're going to be dog dick red out there. Wide world, Kingston, Jamaica. Yeah, you're wearing a big old hat. Well, it's just scratching and crying on the beach. Yeah, he's shirtless, of course, because it's like he's at home. It's paradise, but I'm in hell. It sucks to be in hell in paradise. A bunch of kids are coming up and just rubbing coconut oil on your body.

And you're like, it's not a sunburn. You have to give him a dollar. Fuck. This is adding up. You keep asking me for dollars. It sounds like somebody directly above or below us or like, next door is having a party, but no, it's just all 18 bars that are nearby screaming at us. Party!

I can't imagine what it's... Shot! Let's get on a Lime scooter! Yeah, just people on Lime scooters going, ah! Just adding their voice to the tumult. You're standing on the street and you just hear that, just passing. Yeah, yeah, LFG. 350 people saying, let's go over and over.

Yeah, block by block. And what? Let's go. What? Ashton. Ashton, I'm sorry. Shelly. Get back here.

There's a lot of Shelly's out last night. Shelly. Katie, finish my rice. You need to eat something. Pimp my ride. They're watching Pimp my ride. That'd be sick. They were just all standing out there watching a big screen.

like at Times Square, watching Pimp My Ride. Everyone's quiet and respectful. Yeah, the prayer bell rings and everybody turns east. Lays down their rugs. And start screaming after, you know, after a minute of respectful silence. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's fucking go. Watch Pimp My Ride.

From 1984. Three minutes, let's go. Three minutes party. Yeah. Bam, bomp, bampo, bamp, bamp, bamp, bamp, bum, bamp, bamp, bamp. LMFAO. But also seven other, seven other songs. Yeah.

I really like hearing a bunch of songs at once. That's when my brain goes, hey, it's party time. It's like you're in the musical Panopticon, and just there's 360 degrees of sound. And I'm spinning in it. And oh, cool, D. Lights playing over here. Oh, sick, over here, seven merry three. AI's trying to learn about pop culture as fast as possible. And it's like, let me download all music.

And then Austin's just like, here you go. And some are the real version. the dance techno version. Some are a live cover band. Yeah, Winger was playing a lot on the street. I saw Winger this morning with my coffee. Some are a guy busking obviously. There's a bunch of guys busting

out there too. The homeless problem is through the roof. What did the guy across the street say, Becker, when we were walking back in? You heard him, right? It was something like you're going to get your ass busted if you keep talking like that. It was like a good line. Yeah. His first

line was good and it was something about getting your ass busted and then as was it peter vancman he was going stupid stupid motherfuckers out here don't know what i'd do the ass i'll do it right now i'll do it to your ass was he by himself over there yeah he was definitely by himself he was a crazy man shit but the follow-ups got me worse because the first one was like that was pretty good the dude's handling some shit and then when i realized he was crazy it was like oh this guy's fun crazy at least he was reliving an interaction from some point in his life probably from his set last at Little Boy.

There might not be a worst place to be a happily married guy who doesn't drink beer than Austin, Texas. I mean, what are we supposed to do? Go outside. It's the end of September. It's 95 degrees.

It's an assault of every sound you've ever heard. Salt in the wound. Uh-huh. You're wide open. Your open wound. You're bleeding years. I think it's stupid to have to be escorted. two blocks from here to the mothership. Yeah.

But on the way home, it's like, can I just have a gun? Why don't you just give me the AR? Yeah. And I'll come back tomorrow with hopefully all the bullets in there. But it's like, you stay here, Quinn. You know, you got fish to fry. Just let me hold the barretta. And I'll just walk around like this in the air.

I'll shoot off three quick. And the cops give you three if you're headlining the mother's ship. Three don't count. You get three. as long as they're in the air downtown yeah they don't respond to the first three yeah if you're down by the river you can just unload they should be your three you hear that they found the yogurt shop murderer i did see that it was the kool-aid man why didn't we look into that no there was a random guy did you see them yeah it was a serial killer a serial killer that yeah maybe did it well that's good

because everybody really built that up including the two of you oh so good and then i put it on and it was not good. I thought it was good. The crime was awful. And then it's like, oh, God, I hope they like figure out. And then no, they pinned it on like these guys because they got false confessions out of the hammer, you know, the old school guy who's like, I did everything right. And a jury of 12 upheld my truth. It's like, you manipulate it. You hooked them up to a car battery. You scared them. And it is true that people weren't aware of how much that was happening. Or they didn't care. No, but it sounds insane, right? And then And the guy has to be like, yeah, no, I'm not.

I thought I was a dumb ass too, hey. But then, but this was, this was 98. Yeah, hey, my bad. I guess I killed all those girls. Left and right. And it doesn't make sense until, you know, you have people who write these books and explain how that can happen, how people just feel helpless. They get fucking steamrolled by the bulldog himself.

Yeah. And the classic, well, these cops surely aren't lying. Yeah. Why would they lie? So they know. and I was I was there, but maybe I disassociated. I was counting the lights. I really think that I killed those three girls after talking to these police for four days straight.

I shot off those three rounds, but I thought that was just to, you know, clear a path so I could get home. I thought that that was what I got for doing the big room at Robbins. Yeah, I was in Austin. The cops are like, you kill one of the girls. It's not a big deal. All right. But two more. Come on.

You lit the ice cream shop or the yogurt shop on. fire right i mean what we have a problem we get it they canceled your sitcom it was gonna be big so yeah one girl sure all right we get it but three come on be man bobby lee that's funny i wasn't in the green room uh when you guys met the be man but tonight Speaking of meeting childhood heroes, God, we have. We can't talk about it. Well, let's not jinx it, but there's the potential for big stuff happening for the boys tonight. The earliest possible I could post this as well, they're there.

Yeah, but we don't know if they're going to be there or not. We don't want to jinx it. We don't want to talk it out of existence. Yeah, you don't need to put it out until tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. That'd be pretty. Hopefully we have a big story on the Patreon tomorrow for you guys. Yeah, man.

Possible. Who knows? I tried to get you guys to guess, and one was like, oh, who's it going to be the Ying Yang Twins? I was like, dude. Two of the three. Willie Nelson's here. That would have been pretty goddamn sweet.

They see me do the ZZ Top. Dude. In restraining order, Joe. Well, man, maybe you could work some shit in tonight to impress our guests. No. What if you did the big old school suck it to start off your set and you spit water in the air? Uh-huh. Uh, oh yeah, his, his line was always, let's get ready to suck it.

Yeah, yeah. But, uh, yeah. I can't believe Luis Piccoli's ghost is coming. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages. DGernetration X proudly brings to you. It's WWF tag team champions of the world. The road dog Sam Talent, the badass Nathan Lund. The new gay.

The new gay. Goutlaw. The new age in-laws. And it's a new day. And so me and you are your new step-dads. And we're monogamous, but we're not ethical. And we're not ethical, no. Non-ethical monogamy.

There's a free-use situation. And we don't, asexual. We are together, but there's no sex. You're talking about me and you. Yes. Yes. But it's still, we're the new age in-laws. There's still like a scary sexual undertone.

It's horny. Yeah. Horny, but no sex. It's like crackling like sparks. We don't want to actually make love to each other. We do want to be together and be a part of our kids' life with his new family. He gets married. What are you doing?

You were tickling the shit out of the other. It wasn't tickling you. You were trying to expose my fucking hooves to the people. You were like wiggling your toes and the fur was like tickling me because it's hand me. Well, this is your blanket you're using tonight, right? Yes. Well, guess what? I'm going to go Pat Sutton.

underneath it, all right? I'm going to be my own girlfriend for this one. What was that story? Pat fingered this guy's girlfriend like on the same couch as the guy in my parents' house while me and Clay were sitting at like third base

and first base. Staring. Yeah, and like the three of them are blinking. Yes. Just staring at Pat's furious handiwork. No, like the three of them were sitting on a couch like this and Callan was over there. and the girl's in the middle and Pat's right here.

Callan, huh? I'm right here. Callan was there. Callan Culkin. Okay. And. You had a Colkin and Elizabeth. Yes.

We did. We had two Culkins and Corey was the older Colkin and he was the one that Calan described Corey's masturbatory because he was a really big fat kid. Oh, no. So Corey was the kid who he just writhed around until he jizzed. On his back. That was his impression. He would do with his brother of just him like a turtle.

Not being able to reach. Yeah, he couldn't find it or reach and touch it. So he just had to kind of like gyrate himself off. He couldn't be on his stomach. Yeah. Because he would, his lungs would collapse. Yes. So he was on his back,

his wiggling. Yeah. And then sometimes his thighs were jacking his dick. I mean, it was equally one of the funniest and most awful things. anyone's ever done to a sibling. That's a lot. Yes, but Callan being like, well, yeah, you should see a Corey wax off

and then just acting it out. Just. It was like, you smoking DMT with butterly. Did he walk in? Is this real? Right. So anyway, Callan got his comeuppance

because Pat dilled his gal. And as it was happening, Pat's like just sitting there like stone still with like his hands. He's just, they're all under like this. the whole couch is like this and Pat's just sitting there

very concentrated we're probably watching old school you know Callan's over there being like you're my boy blue like having the time of his life he doesn't know the treason is occurring next to him

and me and Clay are me and Clay are older you know so like I'm looking at Clay and like what the fuck it's my parents house anyway so the girl

is sitting there and we just see her and the whole time she's like trying to ghost an orgasm yeah exactly holding it in yeah and calin sitting next to her being like oh she loves the movie there's smoke coming out of her ears uh-huh yeah and then like callan and her left after the movie and as soon as the door shut me and clay were like what the fuck pat did you finger that girl and he was like oh yeah like he went for a high five and we're like wash your hands yeah

we were like that was fucked up dude and he's like what she'll never tell it's like I know but Cowan's our friend she's nonverbal yeah uh damn we went on for a long time that whole movie that's a lot that made me think of her sitting

there being like that that made me think of when I had oral, got oral in high school during movie on the quad

I've talked about it long ago God 1984 the Bulldogs We were great off the field You were seeing

Howard the duck right? No, I think it was my girl but I'm not positive that sucks

Well I'm sure We've talked about this on the pod and I've said gross to that before. Bees still make them hard.

It's just probably an early episode. Yeah, because when we... And a pack one. When we... No. What's her name? Chloe's seven, yeah. No.

If you were getting sloped to brown bunny, I get it. What was there? Anna Klumpsky. Oh, yeah. Is that right? Yeah, I think that is. She was all clumped up. Did you watch Weiss or Veep?

She was so funny on me. Oh, she was great on there, yeah. Anyway, yeah. That was cool and nerve-wracking, right? because I'm in student council. There's everybody, you know, around me. You're committing a sex crime. And my girlfriend.

No, we're both in high school. We're the same age. It's still en flagrante in public. That's, I'm not on the sex offender registry because I'm getting be in the quad. But no, even crazier would be if dude is right next to me and she's, she's trying to find a milk dud for the first half of the movie. I mean, there's no way I get hard. if well this is high school

I'm literally 17 or whatever so you could get hard at your mom's funeral yeah you were trying to not be hard most of the time right you're hard whether you want to be or not for me it did my dick's long gone my dick got in the car peeled out

my mojo it was funny to watch your dick's the library of Alexandria got torched awesome powers too and him losing his mojo because that's me for the last like eight years or whatever No, more. You get it back

like once or twice a year. Just like pawing at your old lady. Groundhog. Groundhog. But yeah, high school. Yeah, maybe even with the guy, like if there was a boyfriend, I could probably just be like.

If Beckers my girlfriend and he goes over to blow you. And then me and you are kicking it. Yeah, as I'm talking to you. I don't even know where she went. Yeah, where's? He's like, oh, yeah, I guess she, maybe she went to the bathroom.

It'd be cool if your buddy didn't have object permanence he was like baby brain and you're just like yeah i'll see you later he just gets up and leaves she stays like god do i have a girlfriend what shape is my girlfriend i think she came down here but maybe she's doing something else yeah she's at the mall i can't believe you did that but i'm glad you did god but pats that's even that's crazy i mean nuts he's a real sex addict also you're Buddy who never realized is special? No, I think just trusted his good friend, Patrick, not to finger his girlfriend at his other good friend's house. I assume that's what it was.

It wasn't in the realm of possibilities. Yeah, but what do you think was going on that she was just... I don't know, man. I mean, what was going on was Will Ferrell was doing the fucking floor competition. There's a movie that's distracting the hell out of everybody. Becker, speaking of questionable thought processes last night. This is good. Peyton Ruddy

The legend Get some candy Gets a bag of candy You get a bag of Sheld pistachios Yeah Shell on Excuse me

Not Dishol Oh yeah yeah yeah So they're the same brand The same bag But two very different snacks Different products You're watching You think that you're watching

Payton Ruddy shoving handfuls Of shell on pistachios Into his mouth Handful after handful Chewing munching away You think Oh God

he doesn't know what he's doing. I really did. I know. I'm recapping. And I felt like it would be like just meaner to call him out if it wasn't already hurting him. You thought I was fine.

I thought if he was somehow, I had the honest thought of like, am I stupid? Should I try one with the shell on? Am I missing out on something here? How high were you? Is this like eating an unpeeled kiwi and I've just been putting in more effort

than I needed to do the whole time? Lund had told me this story while you were down at the merch booth and I was like well that's impossible what do you mean but he left out the fact that Peyton came in with a separate bag of candy yeah so now it all makes sense but for a minute there I was like holy shit I gave Becker my cell phone he has my credit card info I still have to worry because Becker thought that a dude was blowing it that hard and then didn't try to help him he was like eh it's fine you know you're gonna learn if he was already keeping him in his mouth

without blood like flowing over his bottom lip then I figured it was okay you should have said something you didn't hear any crunching you're like Phil Collins I was sitting in the air tonight I wasn't I was sitting like here

to that succulent thing from him I know where you were sitting and we had the sound on so no I don't think I would have heard huh yeah that's pretty bad that's me thinking that the guy in Detroit spoke Hindi

instead of listening to the pot you know Lund means penis what you speak Hindi no I listen to your vodka yes very good yeah i mean that's along the lines of pizza hot for me so you know but i was also a boy you were in high school okay yeah you were in high school yeah so it's kind of a boy i was watching my friend's finger other other friend's girlfriends like a lot of my mind you had to grow up quick yeah that sucked i felt like an accessory to a terrible crime callan was my neighbor pat was

my liege and here they are you know yeah but I would have been sure if he was having an orgasm if I'd looked over at Peyton's face and he was getting off I wouldn't have been like I could get off right now you'd never know I could literally get off yourself on having done that to us in Tokyo having done it to you yeah you were very proud of having we weren't looking them in the eye look those accusations we all could have like we were in the room like that You just knocked off. You just knocked off the thing. We were in the room.

I told you to fear that. Or I was showered. You did a big act out for the first time to describe how you would have interfered with me jacking off. And you ruined the pod. So think about that. No shit.

Not shit was ruined. I got away with one and it wasn't that big of a deal and no one would have known unless I told you guys. Oh yeah, it was the egg. Yeah, it was the egg. Did you lube it? that lube it did it dry well you can do it dry or a little spit

it comes with you have to remove the lube packet from the egg cavity in order to not use the lube I know but so yeah believe it or not I treated myself yeah believe it or not when one of when your roommates taking a shower you knew you time was up the essence

wait were you taking a shower yes the shower me and bonzo were like laying down looking in the other room yeah yeah so you had the room to yourself but not the apartment I was showering Maybe jacking it as well Sure

I didn't have an egg I believe the only door That was closed Was the one separating Like my feet from your feet I don't know I wish I had an ostrich age Because that was the first time

I crammed over there And let's just say I had a whole souffle That's terrible But yeah I remember it being a lot And me being like Oh shit A whole pint of egg beaters

Yeah Well let's just I could have gotten ready for the big race. Let me tell you this. Let me ask you this. Please ask me something. And tell you and ask you. If you've ever fallen for a scam.

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on pistachios without interfering. You know that I've verticulitis that he's looking at? Nope. I'm just saying, like, so yes, I wish I had cash app to protect me from the tool. Jake Becker. With cash app, you can spend, save, and live your life knowing your money is right where you left it with advanced built-in security, protections you count on, and help when you need it. I got a question for you. Do they take it everywhere? I don't know. With features like warning you before you send money to someone that cash app thinks

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Visit cache dot app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures They probably don't Offer protection against girlfriend Getting fingered insurance You know I got real itchy while I was reading that Verbatim copy that

I couldn't stray from Well it was funny that I asked you If they take it everywhere You just said I don't know I don't know bitch I have to read all of this Or else I'm going to get sued Well let me do one

I'll read one I'll take a load off you Yeah please Oh, you get to do a fun one. Oh, cool. A good one. Good. What is it?

Is it an ad for Boob's Weekly? Oh, God. Oh, shit. This fall, Hello Fresh is taking it to the next level with a menu that's literally double the size. South of the border, it's called Ola Fresco, and it is very calienti. Ola Fresco. Choose from, I can do that voice. I know.

I'm of the generation. Sue me. Choose from 100 chef design meal. options. Oh, I thought they were doubling the size of the portions. No, they've doubled the size of the menu, which that's good. That's a good move as well. They're pre-portion ingredients. They show up right at your door. Not loose, right? They come packaged. In a box, in bags. Okay. They've even added veggie-packed recipes that have two or more vegetables for that extra boost of greens and steak and seafood. They come at no extra cost. Golly, I love this product. I love this product. I love

eating food and I love when it greets me and it's and it's and it's not old. So HelloFresh. You used to love eating food now. You kind of like it. I don't and I've felt queasy since we hogged off last night. If we had the good people at Hello Fresh instead of the people over there at I'm not going to say the name because no one's going to believe where you got these burgers from. I got so excited that you were about to say. No no, no, no, no. But they were very good. As a Goyam, I recommend. But even better is using Hello because they take, you know, you're on the road, you're eating bad, you're fat, you're gross, and you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're, you're hissing like a vampire.

That noise. You're striking fear into the hearts of men. That noise explodes out of you 12 times a day to the point where you don't even know if it's coming anymore. You just, you, you, you alert yourself by announcing your presence. like a rhino that doesn't happen with hello fresh hello fresh uh they even have bigger portions now what oh shit you called it both that'll keep everyone satisfied all right now i got to get into the legal mumbo jumbo all right the best way to cook just got better go to hellofresh

dot com slash chubby 10 fm now to get 10 free meals plus a free item for life one per box with active subscriptions free meals applied as discount on first box new subscribers only varies by plan. That's hellofresh.com slash C-H-U-B-B-B-Y-10 FM to get 10 free meals plus a free item for wife. Sorry, for life. And now into the paid sponsors that have nothing to do with what he just said. Either be that guy who wears your chubby shorts all year long or check out their new chubby's fall collection and the comfort collection. They've gotten everywhere jogger so you can look like a jogger everywhere. Guess what these are stupid? What? Chubby. Yeah, guess what these pants are?

Stupid Chubbies. I got them from the store, baby. Right there in Charleston, South Carolina. Becker, you're wearing what looked to be stupid baby pants. Are those chubbies? They're Levi's. Yeah, and guess what Levi's means? Bleep out Levi's.

Let every virgin in. So that's what you're up to. Okay? Meanwhile, I'm over here at Chubbies, and my balls have never been looser. Yeah. You know when your balls bunch up into a clump? I call it my man vine. The grapes are skinless this year

because of Chubby's brand shorts. The original stretch shorts. I like them. I'm wearing them right now. I mean, what more do you need, God, yeah. I'm wearing them now. So get off my ass. I don't look like a guy who's dressing

like the kids he's hunting. Stop calling me a chode that's full of shit. I'm wearing them now. Quit calling me a dickless lummix who doesn't need the pouch. I need the pouch. All right. And Becker, you're not allowed at any rec centers dressed like you are right now. Why? You look like a pervert. You look like you're hungry. Tuck your shirt in. Yeah, tuck your shirt on and dance with me. A belt for your shorts.

Or, why don't you do yourself a favor and grab yourself some classic swim trunks, huh? They're lined. Performance polos, button ups, pullovers, a hoodie while you're at it. Put some clothes on. All right? You're a grown man. Whether you're layering, up for tailgates, lounging through lazy Sundays, or just leaning fully into fall comfort. Chubbies has you covered. Or turning into a gremlin.

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the easiest $80 I ever made. uh now should we just make up some more ads you know what's you know what's easier is when i read every ad almost every time yes and it turns me into a different person right and it pissed it's sucking my will to live let's let's read from the suck cut it sucks as it cuts well you could use your suck cut at a western brand hotel western brand they're across the street They're still available. Yeah, I've been staring at it the whole fucking time. They're down the road.

It's shaking because there's 15 different murder suicides going on in there right now. They had a discount. There's so much music rattling its windows. Hey, if you check in and check out on the same day, it's half off. God, my stomach hurts. Yeah, I've just had this overwhelming uneasiness, this quezos, since I ate all those goddamn burgers last night. I had two and a half burgers at 2 a.m. That's not what I do.

I'm keeping a tight, tight chip over here. Yeah. Oh, that hurts me. Your body's rocked. Your immune system is overreacting. I've got to show my new hot body to fucking road dog tonight. Oh, it hurts. I feel shaky.

I've been cold in here. We've had various men in here to check on our AC system because one said it was too hot. It was too hot. I have a blanket on me. It went from great. Well, yeah, because they fixed it. What do I do? I can't just be a cold guy the rest of my life.

You got to lay it up. It's warm in here now. Are you still cold? Yeah, I think I'm sick. I had lunch in Ann Arbor on Tuesday with Emily's friend Julia and her husband Nick. And he was like, we were like sharing tapas. And at the end, he was like, hey, do you want to try my drink? And I was like, no, I'm good.

And he was like, good. Because I'm getting over a man cold. And I was like, motherfucker, you've been dipping. A man cold. You know, licking your fingers. You've been in the eggplant. People. Yeah, that's done.

What a crazy move. I know. Still talking, laughing in each other's mouths. And I have to be in Austin for another 12 and a half weeks. You're conscripted. Yeah, I'm down here, man. I mean, look, when they asked me if I wanted to revamp road rules, I said, no. I said, of course not.

But they kept doubling the money. I didn't know the first stop was going to be Riyadh. All right. I didn't. but here we are the first stop the first stop for road will they're revamping it road rules yeah road rules reaud good luck saying that if you have wolverween syndrome so i'm the worst guy to host this show because i'm going to call it wodewool's we odd and then i'm going to get my head chopped off because i think i'm having fun i don't want to go on wodewoles we are

well you shouldn't have been the funniest baby there is all right now drive you the bus. I thought that was Peyton. No, Peyton's a baby. Peyton ready. That's what the stickers say. I kept asking him

exactly how many Instagram followers he had. Yeah, what a phenomenal. He didn't like that bit. You're wrecked. Shows are canceled. You have to go to the hospital. What happened?

I had like two and a half little burger guys. I went to Jew boy sliders. Oh, no. What? That's the name of the place. I don't know. They're going to have to look it up.

Dude, you told him. me that was the name it is okay well then what are we doing huh scared you a little i'm scared scared i'm scared those burgers got me oh they were so god they were fine it was worth getting got no dude i got ones with different topics yeah i know you got your secret sliders and we got the wettos what were ours called the honky tonk it was like fucking gringos yeah the gringos it was marshmallow fluff and beef and miracle whip oh oh my pants are too high too because I was doing the Lund earlier.

Remember that? Yep. I told him High Pants wasn't even a part of doing the Lund. No, it's not. Yeah. What else did you do to do the Lund?

He walked around with his shirt off in the house for a little while. Scratching my palms. You were in the office. You were checking your investments, as you call it. And we're back again. So we are here.

Here's what we're going to do. We decided we're going to go out and we're going to get some Lime scooters. and we're just going to rip down and watch the bats come out of the cave and then we're going to go meet up with Tulsi you know oh yeah you met her you met Tulsi

twice multiple times she remembered me yes which means I'm probably in a file on her desk agitators you know I think I'm probably in the file marked new James Dean's question mark but they mixed it up because I was supposed to be in the new

Jimmy Deans you're supposed to play the sausage part of a breakfast sandwich Yes Not even the man I was supposed to be the patty Or the link Now the link

I'm more of a link now I'm a link You're a patty You're an otter You're a stink I'm a bear Okay Becker show me a new haircut

Gross No it's good And you said you were treated right Yeah they're very good It's a very good haircut I need to wash my hair It's still all weird And

Like dragged out from the weight now how do they treat you right do they give you a lollipop you get to sit on a different barber's lap no he just like cut it right oh yeah did the fade from the bottom up he wasn't doing like the thing where they're trying to hurry just to get you out of there yeah no 20 minutes there was no old guy I can't remember young guy okay yeah two and a half do you had two and a half bites of one little burger you couldn't even finish one burger you're like oh no my constitution This flower is wilting. Oh, there's flies in the sorghum today, Geneva.

When you watched Becker eat three of them, you were like, oh, God. Yeah. It hurt you. Someone's got to be the leader in this squad, you know? Between your dangerous eating and your dangerous driving, I have to reprimand you guys when it's acceptable. Oh, yeah, that didn't help your stomach when I said I ate 125. Oh, Becker, check out this cool little nug, man. Hey man, while we're talking about

rocking shit going on I got my car up to 125 in a hailstorm the other day Oh, separate stories You're conflating You're inflating I've been putting saline in your medicine I had a little more than two and a half sliders

That's for sure That's okay You're doing better than you have been You would have eaten You would have eaten all nine of those burgers In a different life last night Yeah And then you would have said

Who fucking cares As I'm standing there crying Literally you're Charlie Sheen I'm Denise Richards I'm walking in I come in you're wearing sunglasses You're at the computer desk

A big plate of burgers No They're just a big plate of burgers In front of you And I see all the rappers On the ground next to you You've had at least like 40 burgers And I come in and I'm like

Nathan please think of our future You promise You've been doing so much better And then you turn to me and you go, fuck you. Take a few, just cram a whole burger into your mouth. That's you, dude. And you're also at the wheel of a car going 125 miles an hour.

So yeah, you're doing much better except for the driving thing. Well, I'm like, Nathan, please. Think of, think of the kids. I would never. You've been blessed by the apocalypse. I would never do 125 with you in the car because you would call 911. I don't like when you do 85 in the car. Because you're like, hey, check this out.

Then we're fucking in the air. It's like the end of friendship. Oh, dude. Yeah, so you scare me. Becker, I'm glad you're eating again. We do have 32 Pop-Tarts in here, so make sure you tune in for the Patreon because Becker will be working his way through like a human woodchuck with those Pop-Tarts. Oh, really? Yeah, so be aware of that.

Okay. We might not even give you a mic. Were we doing it tomorrow? No, we're doing it right now. We're doing back-to-back bingoes. Fuck. I don't think you can talk for two episodes straight. Oh, I'm going to be on stage doing that tonight.

Early show, you're going to be apologizing a lot. In front of fucking Tracy Sparks. Oh. I don't know. Isn't that a person? Tracy Lords and Lisa Sparks? Bubba Sparks. Bubba Sparks.

Sparks energy drink. Jelly roll. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe it's because when I'm at home, I'm eating nice vegan meals. And then I come out here and anything that grew from the ground is illegal. It hurts. Yesterday we had Kaba and. Oh, we did.

That was smart. Fuck, maybe. So the sliders should have just been a little naughtiness, but they are ruining you like you got handied under the blanket. Yeah, I'm getting run. run through I'm being used up Mayor McCheese jacking your

jacking your shit while Brussels Sprout looks at you everything's cool right you're like oh you're gorg wasn't there like a cop

who was a burger too uh yes like Sheriff Burger City what would his name Matt Mac clock was it big Maclock?

Hmm. Was it big Mac? I don't know. But I just, it's funny. Like he comes in with his gun out and just fucking pistol whips me. It makes me eat all of his kids. And then he plants it on me as if I ate his kids and that's a crime. Yeah, he chased the hamburger.

Yeah. Well, we're all chasing the hamburger, man. Chasing that goddamn dragon the rest of my life. He's the goat. Ow. You got to edit out every burp I did. No. Yes.

These people don't deserve that. They have to understand. I leave his in. His are funny. I stopped. Yours are very funny. There's not because you're in pain. Mine's a crack in awakening from an ancient slumber.

Like breaking through an ice shelf. That's what it feels like. Oh. That P.F. Chang's joke is going like gangbusters and it shouldn't. The. Yeah. It's crazy. It might be the best joke that I have.

It doesn't make any sense. I laughed because last night the early show was like tight. Oh, they sucked. They didn't like a lot of stuff. Oh, my God. Which makes more sense. It's funny, because I thought wrong about it. I was like, oh, everybody that goes in there is a big comedy fan.

I love comedy. They obviously love comedy, so they've seen a lot of it. No, no. It's a, it's an attraction like Casa of Nita, as much it is a comedy club. It hasn't been here that long. It's a destination. Yeah. Yeah.

It's on, yeah, it's on everybody's to-do list, regardless of how much comedy you consume. So, yeah, the early show, they were tight. They weren't laughing at a lot of stuff. Then I see you are getting them while making fun of me. And it's like, oh, you didn't like my jokes, but you like when the headliner rips me a new one. Well, luckily, the last 10 minutes of that set, I was foot on the guy.

I was you on I-25 going over the Monument Pass or whatever. I don't care if I'll live or die. I just want to be remembered. That was me. And luckily, there was an old guy. I said could finger somebody. And they were like, yeah, right. righteous appraisal yeah so I we got them but I don't know what I'm going to do I can't be

burping like this on stage all night well you have to you're gonna have to the scapegoat probably suck these burps out of my butt oh no yeah you have to start the siphate from your butt yeah I have to fight them back through the whole system that's rejecting that's right my my body's longest organ the butt why what you talk about eating butt and you call call it doesn't make sense it's a real pf change situation well it's bugged me a few times i bet it does but i never remember to say something yeah it's funny it's a funny thing to say they all laugh doesn't make what does it mean you're the asshole is the worst part of the butt uh-huh same as the foot is the worst part of the body sure but guess what else is a part of the body the butt in the first

place so how is the foot do you think they sat down out in john and john and asked him about his hit tunes. When you said please don't let your son go down on me No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's the son. No, it's, no, it's, no, it's, please let your son go down on me. Aren't you married, Elton? Yeah, isn't that crazy, baby?

Everything's everything, man. It's crazy. He's Austin Powers. He's Austin Powers from America. Oh, I love pussy, baby. It's me, Elton John. I'm here to get it in and play piano and wear fanciful capes. Yeah.

No fall down here. It's been funny to be like, oh, I'm excited for fall. And then I have to be like, oh, wait, you guys don't know what I'm talking about. Dude. Because it's 92 degrees. The leaves are changing. In Detroit right now. Yeah.

It's great. I'm wearing my chore coat out at night when I spoke my joints in the yard. We drove, Megan and I drove Highway 12, the Highway of Legends. How fast did you go? A lot of gold. No, precious cargo. Also, Highway 12 is very windy, so you're not hitting one, you're not hitting a buck 10 on 12. You might, you're a psychopath.

No, you can't. And so I don't. Yeah, I think the fastest I've gotten up there is like 80. That's completely insane that you would hit 80 anywhere on Highway 12. I was in Bruns car. Why don't you guys buy some land out near Hayden or something? But no, it was nice. The leaves have changed quite a bit.

A lot of gold up there. on Highway 12. Yeah, man. There's golden them hills. I know, but for some reason, Austin, Texas is the cultural hub of the world. Everyone wants to be here.

I like doing the shows here. Willie Nelson down there. I just, yeah, Willie's somewhere around. Yeager. Willie's out there with his pants full of someone else's dooky, just screaming. I'm the red-headed stranger.

Wait. I'm Willie. No. I'm Willie now No Willie, no I got nothing on Willie I'm Willie

Who are you had last night Oh man It was for half a second You were like I had it Who was it? I had it for sure Watching Iron Claw

I was doing Chris Collinsworth Earlier today Yeah but it wasn't It was wrestling Yeah Fuck It was one of the guys Oh Kevin von Eric

Yeah Kevin Von Eric And I'm Kevin von Eric And my brothers just kept dying and they just kept dropping dead all around me. So I said, I got to get down to Hawaii. So I left.

I went to Hawaii, and I got my boys and my avocados. And I'm just having the time of my life over here. I don't care that all my brothers are in the ground and that I saw my oldest brother get his head run over by a tomato truck after he fell off of it. I like that memory because it makes me feel happy about putting my toes in the water because he ain't around to do it so I got to do it that's pretty good

Von Eric you lost it I didn't lose it I still why don't you why don't you ask me some questions about being a Von Eric no it's going Hank Hill this is Hank Hill

you idiots you guys are stupid as hell all you did is throw volume in it I'm Hank Hill oh Bobby Bobby why are you wearing your mama's makeup. Because I'm gay, dad.

Oh, hell. This is bad news. I got to go tell Dale. Dale, Bobby's a homosexual. Yeah, I know. It's from all the fluoride. They're putting in the toothpaste. Oh, frogs are gay.

Keep going. What? Do you think he learned it from watching me, Bill? Well, I don't know. Hank. Hell, fire. I got none of them. You guys can join in any time. You did a good... You did a good grivel. Yeah, I'm Dale grivel. No. You did a good gribble.

What about... Oh, honey. That guy who works at Strickland Propane? Oh, Joe Jack. There you go. Oh, honey. That's my best one. I'm gay, dad. No. Oh, honey.

Surprised he doesn't say his name. Yeah, I'm Georgia. I'm Georgia. Wait, who's doing Dale Gribble now? Me. Me. They got somebody that sounds like him. Me.

I am. Honestly, the guy they got who sounds like him sounds more like him than Johnny did. Because the first couple of episodes are weirder than after. He's doing it through a trache tube like you last night. You want to show him your stoma? Oh, yeah. He's got a dark passenger. It's not too bad.

Can I see it? it? Show it to me. Oh, God, Hickey. Hickey from your old lady. Oh, Crete's chewing on her Charleston chew. No, I think it was actually the seatbelt rubbing up against, like causing irritation on an ingrown hair or something. Here's a cool new development.

But it got bad. It was a quado, for real. Oh, yeah. And I fucked with it. Made it worse. Yeah, I thought you had a clown nose on, but you were wearing it low. It's fucked. I thought I was going to have to button up to Minican Lou tonight.

to the neck. You're not going to have to, though, right? Because you're going to put makeup on? I don't have any makeup. I have makeup. I'll bet you do. I do. I got it from Peggy Hill.

So you can feel pretty. All eyes on me. The seatbelt doesn't catch on my hooter anymore. That's a new one. As your body changes. You know how that seatbelt used to just settle in the crev, like scoop your boob out? No more. Just glides right over.

You're flat. Flat as a board, man. Hell yeah. It's a Ouija board. I'm going to talk to you in about six months. You're connected to the other side. Yes, because you think that if a car goes 125 miles an hour, it explodes. I don't know why you would ever do that.

I don't know why a car ever has to go over 73 miles per hour. Two under? Yeah. You go two under? In the middle lane. You're more afraid than the Utah Highway Patrol. They set their speed limits at 85. I'm more afraid.

You're more afraid. I'm more afraid. No, no, no. I'm more practical and my brain works better. You guys are on this hamster. wheel of dopamine release where you're tracing the next big thrill no i i love this shit and read all the data points you shop you're not right i don't shoplift that's how you get your little thrill i shoplift every now and then it's not a big deal don't do it from the airport that's where it's a federal crime

well i think it's scary at the airport because i think i go to airport jail which is in an airplane so i'm just flying around until the judge can see me yeah i want a lime scooter and a cargo plane just rolling around doing Hank Hill I liked the idea of I said at the mothership that they were all 25 years old

but I said one of you's on a scooter right now I liked that like it's such a part of them their whole thing scooting around that they come in with it and they're like

yeah I don't need a seat I just need a place to like be on the scooter so like out of the way in the middle up front whatever but like I'm gonna be

standing on my scooter yeah I need to be the scooter's like a medical thing because I'm addicted to pussy so I have to go get it real fast I'm addicted to yelling at people to get out of my way on sidewalks. Yeah I can't

go to bed unless I yell let's fucking go 10 times to the top of my long Virginia Tech fucking go! Eastern Carolina University let's go Pirates if I don't rattle the windows on a 20-story condo

I can't get hard so listen to this they're getting less... I think that was the end. They're getting less disgusting. I think that was the tale of the dragon. That was the cure. You wouldn't have cared last night,

but you, if it wasn't as late, I think you would have really enjoyed there. There's a parking garage over there and there are a bunch of cars ripping ass down, I think it's seventh,

and the cops finally got behind them and they all hauled ass up to the parking garage and we're like hiding in there and watching the cop like drive around the block repeatedly before he finally figured out to go in the parking garage and then him slowly going

up the parking garage and just watching and waiting sitting. I was out there for like 35 minutes to smoke one cigarette in a joint because I was just like, whoa. Didn't you wake us up? I was very sure you both would have been like get the fuck out. No, I would have been so stoked. It was pretty great. To see GTA

live? Well, no, it was just this cop slowly going up the parking garage and checking all the cars while a bunch of... The stars going up in real time. Hellcats and a fucking Corvette were sitting on the top level waiting and then the cop was almost to the top and I think they thought they had waited long enough they all went to leave and he lit him up as soon as they got down to the second floor and I was like ha ha this is the worst night of all of their lives and all you had to do was

walk in my room and say hey buddy check this out yeah I was I kept turning to look at it and the chairs out there rotate and I kept tapping your glass I know I thought a vampire was trying to be welcomed in I didn't realize you know scary that was for me I'm 20 stories up something's tapping on the glass you psycho so i didn't know until i took them off to listen to see if i could hear that yeah and you were probably doing one of your little dances where you're fucking rocking and rolling tap on the glass no food involved i normally only still if i'm eating or thinking about eating we should have taken all 24 of those sliders and rained them on six street last night and just created bedlam like dropping like if you drop all those burgers at three a m on six

street it's like throwing a thousand dollars in once yeah there might be a murder they would have torn each other apart down there. We could have done that. We could have been the chaos gods in the sky. The ones my ancestors prayed to. The anesthazi. We could get more burgers and do it tonight. I don't want to get any more burgers. We have to get halal food tonight to even the scales. Yeah. We throw them with people. No, you want to whip some burgs. I'm down. Yeah, from 20 stories up. I should just hit them up. I should hit them up from my Instagram and be like, hey, can we get a hundred pack? We're going to whip them at turds. and they'd be like, yeah, we can film it for our socials.

And I'd be like, hi, this is Sam Talent. And I'm flying the butt signal. I'm out there mooning everybody. God, that's cracking me up. Just fucking standing out there, a big light shining on your ass. Everyone looking up and being like, what's that? Whoa, some guy's butt. What are we supposed to do?

The foot of the ass. Oh, God, it's the foot of the ass. Yeah, no, that'd be good. also the idea of you saluting everyone at rogan's club that was cracking me up yeah just you have to anyone in a shirt you have to salute yeah you had attention marching in place fight my way in past all the security yeah all the armed ex fucking green berets it's like the raid yeah yeah becker comes in the green room he's like covered in blood and panting hey man ah can we smoke in here Did you guys sell any merch? Oh, man.

God. My belly hurts. I might need to have one of you guys jump on me. Okay. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah. You ever do that when you're a kid? Yeah.

Have your dad jump on your belly? Oh, no. Fire everything out of you? My dad would have me, like, walk on his back. Oh, yeah. Not to jump in the air, but, like, push your weight in it. I walked up my mom's back once, and that's what put her in the chair. What are you describing?

You know, your dad gets on a chair and jumps off and jumps on your belly, and then all your poop comes out when you're constipated. We used to call it the toothpaste maneuver, unclogging the tube. Yeah. My dad loved it. Sometimes I wasn't even constipated, and he'd be like, all right, I'm coming off the top room. Sell this time. You cleaned it all up.

Oh, I would do it into a bucket. I would have my legs up in the air, and there's a bucket with my butt pinned to the wall. Yeah. And then my sister's standing by and she's like, three, two, one. Clear for launch. Jumps off.

Bucket. Du-d-d-d-ding-d-d-dun-dung-tun-ting inside the bucket. Sophie's miced it up. Yeah. Tin bucket. Yeah. And Sophie's like, all right, I'm going to the fair. That was by glimpsing of my childhood.

Oh. Yeah, I think I need to be like piped out. Like, I need someone to go with like a big brush and like, because I'm probably carrying around 20 to 30 pounds of fecal matter. John Wayne's time. John Wayne. Everyone has it in them. No one wants to talk about it.

Emily says I'm nuts. Remember the infomercials that were on? We were kids where there'd be that guy who was like the king of colon health. And then they would show pictures of really long turds that came out of people. And it literally looked like someone just like turned your colon inside out and like wrung it out like opening up a fucking boot and sausage. Yeah. That's what I want. I want to give birth to everything that's inside of me.

And I really, if I could have one. thing. You want to be scraped. I want to be just like a baby in my colon. Let's go eat a bunch of chia pudding and then have a big salad for dinner. I do it all the time. I do it all the time. I'm eating so much fiber at home constantly. And greens right after? Greens. And you're still not doing these long turds. Potatoes, tomatoes. I feel like I can accomplish one of these turds you desire in like two days. No, no, no. You don't understand how much is in me. Because you probably have 20 to 30, which means I probably have 40 to 50 pounds. I think I have 10 to 20.

I think I used to carry around 20 to 30. Emmy says no one has that in them, but she's a woman doctor, so it's like, hey. How are you going to prove her wrong? We take a diuretic and shit everything out until you're pooping water, just like you do before a colonoscopy. No, I'm not going to be there for that shoot.

That's you and Emily together. And have her way it and be like, what's it weigh? Ew, you're not going to have my wife weigh your tur. She can weigh me She asks for diuretic She can weigh you You don't have to weigh the turds Okay

We weigh the difference We should probably We should probably weigh the turds To be safe No There's nothing safe About wearing this man's turds Yeah that's why they're selling

All that like colon broom shit Online No I want to get scraped out I really want a bunch of like Nanobots I'd like to hire Ant Man to go in me With a Super Soaker

And just like power washing The sides of an old trailer Just get it all off me I can't wait for fucking nanobots What? I want clean lungs Is this any more Marvel property?

No. The patent's in on them. We're just waiting for him to be introduced to the public. Sean or Oswald? The, oh, God. You idiot. Keep up. I took me a split second to connect what you're doing because I am actually very excited

about getting my lungs cleaned by tiny. You're not getting bots. You're not going to make it. We don't offer insurance at this company. I'll sell shit to buy that. You're going to get bot money? It's going to be like 350,000. thousand dollars okay and you're gonna get that yeah to get your lungs cleaned out huh what about

your penis i don't care about my penis yeah no one does yeah i know that's why why would you invest in that if i had new lungs oh man what would you do smoke yes quit looking at the clock guys that was a good button what do you guys are you guys are counting the tiles over here i keep the only times i've checked it has been buttons Well, it's like, is that right where I hit stuff? I just like talking to you guys, and I feel bad when you look at the clock. We just need to know. I want to yell at you guys, I'm sorry.

So that we don't accidentally do an hour and 25 minutes. Everyone should come see me in Bentonville, not Nathan. Bentonville next weekend, Big Diamond Comedy Festival, then Tempe, Arizona, Tempe Improm, 400 seats. We're doing 12 shows. Wasn't my idea. Please get tickets to some of those, if not all of them. Yes.

Big room, intimate shows. Oh, yeah. They're going to have to bring in the partition for those bad boys. so get your uh the burlington comedy vermont comedy club in burlington i'm doing westport that show might sell out soon uh please samtallot com get tickets uh go bananas cincinnati i'll be headlining for the first time i think we end after october shut up october 16th through the 19th the bangles play on that thursday so maybe get tickets uh or go to the game everyone go to the thursday show

oh it's my boss november 30th denver comedy and December 26 and 27th, Sisyvis Brewing, Minneapolis, Minnesota, end the year with Lund. Yeah. Nathan Lungcomedy.com. And then check out Chubby Behemoth on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Please, I appreciate it so much. Five years worth of episodes waiting for you.

Also, like this video and subscribe, please. No ad meets on the Patreon. And subscribe. Yeah. We never say that. We never say that. Well, people know to do that. You'd think, but that's the whole thing

is they also didn't know we had a Patreon. Don't do it, yeah. While we're doing it at the very end. Instead of shouting out bullet to the brain.com, we should have mentioned the Patreon halfway through before everybody got sleepy or arrested. I literally have to milk the bowl. People get arrested at the end of the episodes.

So halfway through, we should probably say the important stuff. Yeah, everyone. But yeah, come see us live. check out the Patreon we'll see you next week thank you bye