Chubby Behemoth - Hog Pack

Episode Date: June 20, 2025

SPONSORS: VIIA - If you’re 21+, try VIIA! For 15% off AND a free gift with your first order use code CHUBBY at https://www.viia.co/CHUBBY   Cash App - Download Cash App Today https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account.   PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam made a simple mistake. Nathan tells Sam why he imagines he is in trouble, became Brook’s brothers with Sam to avoid problems in New Zealand, and had another visitor at the church. Sam is thinking about parkay flooring back there, got a sweet welcome gift at his hotel, and is excited about his fit for his reunion.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

I wish a big cyclone would come and rip the roof off this hotel and suck me up into it, scatter the parts of me all across South Dakota. I heard that you bombed. Tonight? Yeah, that's why you're despondent, right? No, I'm despondent because my wife is furious at me for a very simple mistake that any human being, no, I was going to say human man, anyone alive could make this same mistake. And yet here I am in the pillory in the public square and she's handing out tomatoes for all the vagrants to whip at my

raw ass. My wife has come up behind me, she's put me in the socks and then as she turns, she says, hey, I just want to remind you, fuck you. And then she comes behind me and she pulls down my britches and she says, let the buggerers loose. Come on out. Make sure they're hopped up on ginseng so they're extra randy. That's what she's saying to everybody. My guess.

Yeah, go ahead. You'll never guess. Kicked in the ass by the townsfolk. You'll never guess. Short to tall. I told Becker, because we heard- Yeah, no. Emi has set up a stool back there so the short can still savage my mouth. Even the tinies. We heard the first what, two minutes of a five minute call, just your end obviously, we couldn't hear her. I wanted you to feel included.

I'm guessing, well, it felt like we were in the room pretending to play video games, pretending to play our Game Boy. I'm guessing that maybe you did not flush turds in both of your toilets. You went 0 for 2 on flushing. And it's not the first time. So it's like, like pattern developing. She's, yeah, she's very, as it's been like, I had a party, but I was like, no, it was just me. And she was like, well, why did six guys shit in each toilet? Why did a whole pickleball team come over and use our toilets flagrantly? No. Okay.

So that's your guess. Okay. Yeah. Becker thinks you cheated. You got slurped. That would be simpler. And now it's somebody else's problem? Yes. She would be more understanding because that's a basic animal urge.

Obviously it's wrong to break someone's trust, but yes, in the heat of the moment, obviously beasts are beasts and we're just apes on two legs. So yeah, no, I think that would make more sense. Okay. So Becker, what's your guess that I've committed adultery? No, I didn't have a guess. I was laughing really hard at Lund and I imagined that the crap melted the toilet and that's how she discovered it was the house was flooding. You imagine that my feces was so toxic that it disrupted the molecular pattern of the arrangement of porcelain. That's what you think. Yep. I melted the toilet.

Well, you left it there for a while. You've been gone most of the day. Yes. Here's the thing. I'll help you guys. Emily is not at the house. Emily is in Colorado. So what could it have been that has had her stonewalling me since 4 PM today? What could it be? She texted you three times in a row to call her and you didn't call her because you were flying. That would be understandable. And I would say, hey, I get it. I understand why you're mad at me because you don't have object permanence because you're

a girl. And when I don't text you every half hour, you forget that I exist. And you wonder if you're even married and if you were to who. She was worried that- Yes, I understand that. You were on a flight to Tehran to do a festival in Tehran and she wanted to make sure that you weren't going to Tehran. Right, because she doesn't support them politically.

Because she wants you back. Let's say you have a car, right? You have an automobile. Becker, you perked up for this. Yep. I like cars. Okay. Here's what happened.

I'm very busy. A very busy man keeping various planets in orbit around me. Spinning, spinning, spinning, spinning. Planet Bitch is one of them. Of course. It's my favorite planet to visit, but not four days of the month. So Planet Bitch is spinning out of control right now. Planet Bitch is about to become a black hole and consume us all.

Planet Bitch might explode and render us all null. Void. Zilch. Return us to zero. I left the trunk of my Impala open and it got filled with rain for 24 hours. Oh shit. Oh no. I mean, you don't think anybody should be mad at you?

I said I'm sorry. You need to just pay to have it detailed. You don't know all the details yet, Becker. I left it wide open and it filled with water for 24 hours. Yes. So the whole car? Water, H2O, Becker. Yeah, no, I understand.

Boring sprite, as you call it. Yeah. Yeah, it needs... From the Boring sprite, as you call it. Yeah. Yeah, it needs- From the sky. Gauge. Body white. You need to have the carpets steam cleaned so they don't mold. What if I just ripped him out?

Put in hardwood. Put in hardwood for your vehicle interior. I'm going to put in parquet floors back there. You want the sound deadening. No, you want the sound deadening in the carpet. You want that in your Impala. Why? So your girlfriend can't escape?

No. So that it's a quieter ride in your cab. What an insane thing to have a pronounced opinion on immediately that you need sound deadening in your trunk. Yeah. That's why they've been putting it in since the 60s when cars were still a newish idea. Yeah, since the Manson family. No, like I have sound deadening in my trunk that's factory. Like you, you, you need, you want that. You don't want to hear all your suspension moving around

and rattling in your trunk, which will act like a speaker and go through your back seat. Why am I collecting all of those shards of glass and lug nuts and throwing them in my trunk if I don't want to hear them rattle? I mean, are you forgetting who you're talking to, Sam, the rattlesnake talent? They hear him coming. Yeah, they hear me coming in the streets. They say, oh, that boy pushing that Impala with the rattle in it. Yeah. It'll sound like you have a subwoofer that's blowing the trunk apart even though it's not

So what you're telling me that Emmy? There's a reality where she might be justified in her frustration with me. Yeah, you just you I mean Yeah, you fucked up. You've got to get that because hey start raining Hey open up a deluge the first fucking rain we've had all year in Michigan, please They were wondering why was the trunk open in the first place and you're in Michigan so it could rust Yeah, that's got to get dried out and cleaned like Fast gotta get your car slurped out cleaned like fast. You got to get your car slurped out. You should have Chelsea take it to a detail shop and have them do

the trunk and the rear side of the back seat and all the they need to steam clean and dry everything so it doesn't rust and mold. When like a couple weeks. You're in Detroit. There's so much humidity in the air already on the other side of the metal. It's not going to evaporate you. That makes me scared. His butthole has never been tighter. I stood in the rain today for like an hour and a half because I was afraid it was going to hail just ready to run to my car and drive it to a carport. You didn't get any help? Yeah, your life is strange. Your life is constantly surprising me.

Damn. I'm glad I didn't go over to Matt's house and hide in his carport ahead of time. I would have just been sitting there in the loud hail. You would have got caught. So you had to get your papers out of the trunk, your metro state diploma or whatever. What was in there that you got out? My gun. Got out your gun.

My firearm. It's a good thing that didn't float down the street because the rain lifted it out of the trunk and into the neighborhood. Yeah, and some kids are playing with it. Yeah. I'm a cowboy. Let's go to the Indians' house.

Yeah, that'd be bad. You got my gun was in there. You got it out and then just did my gun wrecked. I mean, but you got it needs to be it needs to be clean, dismantled, oiled. Like it, you got all that metal wet and it's just sitting and it's going to get warm and yeah, yeah, you don't want it. That's not it wasn't in a case. It was just loose in there. Much much worse. That means it got wetter

Fuck yeah, also like That on you don't want that rusting Harpoon guy might still work rusty. You think I care about my tire getting rusted. I'm one step away hiring a man to carry me around. I want to hire a big man who'll tote me. You're not going to get the same rate that Lee Gill does. I mean, I know you're saying that, but I can also see you calling me at like, you know, 11 PM on a Wednesday because you got a flat tire and you can't get your other one out

of the trunk. I would never call you. So, so the, the, uh, we only talked during, we only talked during business hours. The, uh, did, did Chelsea go over there to do something and then text Emily and say the Impala's trunk is open and it's filled with water or did Emily look at the ring camera and be like, oh good, the only thing left of my dad has its trunk open in the rain.

Oh, that's right. I was about to say, at least it's your car. So she's going to be so mad because if that was my car, I'd kill someone. It's like he pissed in her dead dad's mouth, kind of. It's like she just it's like you pissed in her in her dead dad's mouth kind of Some extent Wow, she's gonna kill me This is a patreon for sure. We're gonna see her on Sunday. Does it have to be? Uh, hey Becker.

What? Do you want this to be a work meeting? Yeah, I mean... I don't know. I mean look dude, I fucked up. Emmy's gonna love hearing me and hearing you guys say, oh, she's right. Yeah, no one's ever said that about her before.

Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. We haven't said anything dangerous. Everyone I've ever met hasn't said, Emmy's always right. You're clearly a mouth breathing Mongoloid. That's not how I walk around 24 seven. I mean, it was already wet in there. That's the big beef. Why? It was fucking soaked.

Well, you know what Becker? Here we go. I get home from, you know, being on the road trying to keep the lights on. You know, someone's got to get Susu's tail removed and I mean she's climbing. She's climbing too well. So I fucking opened my trunk for the first time in forever. Me and Emmy already got in a huge fight over the car, actually, this is bad. This is very bad. This is all, it's all, it's all crashing down upon me.

Yeah, it's her it's all crashing down upon me Dead father's car Fuck why did I how fucking stupid do you have to be to leave the goddamn trunk open? It's really bad cuz you I I Well, probably not straight up and completely open, right? That happened. No, no. Couldn't be more open. I was literally trying to air it out because someone took off, like there was a car cover

and then I like opened the trunk and the car cover was soaked and I like touched the trunk and was like, oh no, it's wet in here, but it wasn't even that wet. Fuck. It was like barely wet. And now it's like. The wettest. Fuck. It literally, when I was home the other night,

fuck, it was open all night too. Oh no. It got rained in for like 36 hours. Well it didn't rain that whole time, right? Dude. It rained all through the night last night and then Emmy said it was raining all day today. Oh no.

It's full. The whole cab, everything is full of water. It's like a bathtub. Yeah. Do your seats look down? It's a tunnel. Hopefully a trunk bigger Hopefully a betta fish doesn't steal my car

Are you asking me if the seats flip down Becker? Yeah, I don't know if the Impala already has a big enough trunk that they don't have that feature or do the back seats flip Down to make the trunk bigger Becker. I got a better question. Do you know a good divorce lawyer? I know a couple divorce lawyers the you know a good DeVoice lawyer? Yeah, I know a couple of DeVoice lawyers. DeVoice. I'm getting DeVoiced. Well, no, I want a lawyer who does black voice. DeVoice. Who does DeVoice, yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. You're okay. You should be able to get it dried out. If you damage the cushions, I will gladly look around all the junkyards in Colorado to try to find you a dry interior that matches. I do like more cushion. We probably won't add more cushion. We'll put in the correct amount. I'd like more cushion for the push. That would add quite a bit more. I'd like more cushion for the push. That would add a lot of money. Because I'm going to have to push all my stuff in there when I leave my house, when Emmy

kicks me out. You have to live out of it. I mean, look, this isn't that big of a deal. You get your trunk wet sometimes. It's not like a huge deal. Did I walk by the trunk at least 12 times that day? Yes. While it was raining.

Did I take my bicycle out of the garage and ride away and then ride back in and put the bicycle away and then walk back to the house? Yes. Sit out there and smoke joints while the sun went down. Yeah. Fuck, dude. It's so stupid. It's okay.

It's just a detail. Can she see all this on the ring camera? The devil's in the details. If she looks it up? No, she can't see it. Can she see all this on the ring camera? The devil's in the details. If she looks it up, she's going to see your whole journey. No, she can't see it. Okay, that's good. No, I mean she knows.

She knows. Yeah, but she can't show it to you. She can't show it in court. She can't share it on Instagram for everybody to see. I need to hire some black hat hackers to wipe out my ring jam. I need a solar flare. It's funny to imagine you driving it while it still has a ton of water in it.

I'm wearing swim trunks and a snorkel. For some reason you have, I don't know why. I roll down the window and it all splashes up. Yeah, fish come out and like an otter and a beaver and Is it detritus detritus? I think that's a right it depends on whether you're in the south or not flotsam jetsam swirling around you Sam regular Sam wooden headboard

Do a bed just clunks you in the head. Fuck. Yeah, there's like a dead body floating face down in the car. There's a manatee in there. And Emily gets confused and starts yelling at the manatee. And I just react and I'm like, yeah, idiot, you left to trunk open. How does Chelsea factor into this?

She's sleeping in the trunk. Yeah, no, neither of us are there for three, for a month. I'm literally gone until the 22nd of July. That's not that far off. Yeah, just leave it open. It'll dry out. Just leave it open. No, it won't.

You need to leave it open before you go dry out. Just leave it open. No, it won't. You need to take it before you go home. Yeah. What if I left it open? Let nature figure that out. It'll undo what you did. I mean, I know you're a car guy, Becker, but I'm kind of an expert on being wet. So this one might have to be for me. Yeah. I wouldn't let a 20-year-old car's trunk soak and then try to air dry it because the carpet's already probably slapped and slipped around enough that it's worn down some of the finish on the paint underneath the carpet. You wouldn't do a lot of the stuff that I do.

You would have been standing there at Kitty Hawk telling the Wright brothers, I don't know boys. I would have been that one nerd. I don't know. Life's pretty good on the earth here. I mean, cars are on the earth. They can't have cars that one nerd. I don't know. Life's pretty good on the earth here. I mean, cars are on the earth. They can't have cars in the sky. You would have been in that group of investors.

It was like, who cares? What's next? And looked away immediately. Becker, I need you to clear your schedule and drive to the airport. I'm going to fly. It's like calling in the wolf. I need a fixer to fly. Becker, fly to Detroit and have a night with the car. Take the car to the ER.

Anything goes. Yeah. So what? I call Chelsea and say, hey, here's a huge hassle. What do I do? Yeah. That's what you do. I mean, what does detailing mean?

That's what we're doing with Susu. They're gonna like steam, depending on how far in the water got, like if the back seat soaked and the carpet inside soaked, they're gonna have to clean everything. If it's just the trunk, they're gonna need to like steam clean it, take everything apart, dry it out, put it back together. In what? That's like 30 bucks, three to $500.

30 bucks. How many ad reads do we have? I need based on what they pay us. I need to do 18 ad reads. We need a marathon episode. Yeah. Hey, Garner guns. We've been doing it for free, but time to pony up. Whoa. What if we did like a, like a fundraiser, like a telethon. I'll walk across America with this walking stick.

I will walk through all 50 States for you. You won't walk to Becker's with that stick. What are you talking about? Stick. This would do a lot. Yeah. This could get me at least to Tennessee. I've always said it's lack of a proper stick that's holding you from walking to Tennessee.

Sometimes it's well. It's all over bending you from walking to the smoky mountains. I got my Brooks coming. That could be a good test of these Brooks. Becker, me and Sam are Brooks brothers now. Nice. Yeah, dude. You're going to like the way you look. I guarantee it. I've been looking at our itinerary and I, I hope you boys are ready to hike.

I can walk. I can walk around. I'm not. I think we're going to be doing a lot. Yeah, that's all right. I got, well, I am excited. I said it in the group chat. I'm excited at the idea that apparently what you guys said, because New

Zealand is big on agriculture, they're very strict about coming in without mites or bugs or what, pollen or whatever is dirt, foreign soil. Even dirt on your shoes. Yes. Too dirty for New Zealand. That's what we're up against. Will we be able to get into New Zealand? I keep thinking the Down Under Dome, 12 men enter, 10 men stink, something like that. There's a lot we can do.

Well, I got, we're literally going to be staying in a Down Under Dome because Emmy is booking all of our travel. And one night somewhere, we're staying in a room that she has described as a hog pack. Three love sex. It's just a wrestling room actually. It's like a dojo. It's a dojo with a drain in the middle.

No, it's a hog pack and it's a... Blue mat. God, I miss her hog pack and it's a guy mr. Blue maps Emmy It's gonna make up for Australia. Here's the fucking deal. I know that you're married to an idiot. I know that For sure, like I'm very much aware Homer since you are constantly being like, oh You know when I married my husband who's three years older than me, I didn't think my neighbors would ever call me one day and say, hey, that guy who's been staying over, he left the trunk open.

Your plumber, your live-in plumber? Yeah. That guy who pops in occasionally to smoke giant joints in the backyard and just kind of stare. We hadn't seen him in like 45 days and then he came home and walked into the backyard and started crying. That guy. Took all his clothes off. He's nude a lot of the time and confused. Remember when you were all confused outside?

Yeah. Remember when you were all you're all confused outside One neighbor if you have four neighbors, they would all have gotten you booted out of there Your property just like what forgot how to get in. Oh, dude. I mean, literally all I've said to them since I've been home is I was in the backyard and the guy came out with his wife and they had a baby. I was like, whoa, where'd you all get a baby? And he was like, I mean, the kid's eight months old, like we've had a baby. And I was like, oh, well, hey, looks healthy. And then walked away muttering,

fuck, what are you doing? Under my breath, fuck. Yeah, so yeah, they texted my wife and said, hey, that like huge stranger who is sometimes around. Your weird brother. Yeah, yeah, that like huge stranger who is sometimes around. Your weird brother. Yeah, yeah. Your dad, we think. Your father left the trunk open and it's literally, I mean, there's ducks in it now.

It's like, come on. She's like, oh yeah. She's like, do you want us to close it? And my wife was like, yeah, would you mind? So they had to like come over and close our fucking trunk. Cause Emily's grandpa got confused again. You took your morning pills at night again. That is, it is embarrassing. That's rough, man. Like that's really, that's tough. And of course, like you said, of course,

it's the storm of the century. Instead of it raining like it normally might in Detroit, which I would guess, you know, it could be eight seconds for the month. You have a record shattering deluge. It rained here for like an hour straight and it was nuts. I can't imagine 22 hours of rain of like hard, I mean, we've had big long rainstorms, but man, just 22 hours, just

a marathon. Guess what folks? More rain. Coming up next, more rain. Keep those trunks closed folks. Not the night to keep your trunk open to the stars. This is a real spare drowner, if you know what we mean. So keep those trunks closed. You have to be a complete idiot to have your trunk open in this. A bunch of ghoul shirts are in there and they just float out onto people's lawns. They're like, is this a threat? Is this some kind of threat to us?

The only black family in the neighborhood gets a bunch of ghoul shirts on their lawn. What the hell? Those ghoul shirts do kind of look like Klansmen too. It's like a scary. Yeah, that would suck. That'd be bad to the bone. But like what? I hit my black neighbor with an all right now the other day and it was pretty sick. He got his kids. All right, on now, kids. Come on. Hurry up.

No, he was out front. He was out front with his daughter and he was smoking a cig and I was on my electric bike and he was said, he said, hello. And I went, all right now. And he went right on. But it was, it was the, it was the equivalent of a ride on. It was, yeah, it worked in my head. He did black power fist and said, rumble young man, rumble young man rumble. He said, still I rise. And that was a powerful moment for everyone involved. I had a fun interaction today. It did. It rained a ton by us. It was a weird, like small

crazy storm for like two hours. We got a bunch of hail, but it was small. So I don't think it really messed a bunch of stuff up. But it's raining a bunch. We have the door open. You had the door open. Our door. Yeah. Our front door. Interesting. So that's kind of like having the trunk of your house open. No, no, no It's a nice way to check out. So did George Michael just die or was that a fart? George Michael die again

Yeah, that no that was not mama's death rattle Oh the snakes here. He's gonna say all right now. It's it's raining. If you really want to scramble them, you hit him with a preemptive all right now and watch his gears go to dust. Then I just go, all right then. Yes. Yes.

All righty then. Yeah. Out of your butt. Uh, enjoying the storm. Megan and I are home safe and uh, it slowed a little, but it was still storming or whatever. And this dude fucking, I start hearing a guy out there, hello? Cause you know, we have the door, the entrance door is open, but that means, you know, we've got, we're in the basement, so there's stairs up to an enclosed like metal, you know, gate. I don't know if people can picture it, but you guys obviously have both been here in Tori Cage,

but shut out the door. And I am. No, he's saying once I start talking, they change the station. Lunds been describing a gate. So they switched to music. Yeah. They're just fast forwarding to the ad read. They skipped the chapter called Lunds Corner. No, I'm just saying there's like an enclosed, there's an enclosure. Have you been capturing, have you been calling these Lund's Corner? Is that really on the YouTube? No. Oh, that'd be funny.

Maybe once. Okay. This dude called out, hello. And I'm just like, oh, of course it's fucking storming out, but there's a guy who wants to talk to me Wet man here I have to put a shirt on and I see this normal looking guy with an umbrella So he's just like on about the town splish splashing and jumping in puddles

He says hey there is this church for sale and I was like, yeah, man And he was like, yeah, man. And he was like, what's the deal? And I was like, there's a sign. There's a giant sign. There's a banner on the fence outside that says building for sale with a phone number. So I'm guessing that's how he assumed it was for sale. Maybe not, but either way, I'll bet he saw the banner and was like, I should probably go talk to a person about this. Hey, what gave it away? Detective dipshit. Yeah.

Hey Poseidon. Yeah. Did that wash on the shores of your mind? The banner is a block long. So yeah, I'm like, there's a banner with a phone number. Yeah. It is a neon. You can call that.

And then he goes, Oh, well, could I, could I take a look at it? And I was like, no, no, you can't call the number on the giant sign. Can I take a look at it? And I was like, no, no, you can't call the number on the giant sign. Can I take a look? Can I come in your house with your wife? I knew you were, I can tell you were just half nude. Pop in there. It smells like snake in there. He probably assumed you owned it. I knew I had already said that I did. Oh God, what a fucking asshole. I said, well, yeah, because if I'm selling it, then yeah, I'm either going to say here's take my number and call me and we'll figure it. We'll set something up. Cause also, yeah. And this is the second time somebody has wanted to just take a look. Let me just take a gander. You got any free

Bibles up there? Can I grab a hymnal? Well, I think I would assume that the strange couple living in the church probably owned it. I wouldn't assume that he was squatting in there. Do you assume every house is owned as opposed to rented? No, I don't think so. And I had already told them. In Trinidad. I had already said, and it's the building for sale, call the number. I don't know. It was annoying, but he fucked off.

Yeah, that sucks. Good. Thank God. And he went back to getting it thrown in. I was watching but he fucked off. Yeah, that sucks good. Thank God. He went back to I was watching center on it. Oh Rented centers Jacob don't watch it. It's too scary Yeah, it's full of Irish and that I would like it You'd like it because there's a lot of singing Is it vampires? Yeah, don't know spoilers They kind of this was obvious. This was funny.

But yeah, it was good. I go, I check into the hotel today in Rapid City, the sleep in and the guy at the desk, shout out Angel. He's a fan. No shit. Yeah, yeah. So like- Of the pod or of you? Of me. Kill Tony.

Yeah, I'm sure Kill Tony. Fucking Kill Tony. That's the way most Latinos get into my enterprise is kill Tony and bienvenidos mis carnals. Um, but yeah, he's like, he's like, Hey man, uh, if I knew you were staying here, I would have given you the welcome gift. And I was like, Oh, don't sweat it. And he's like, no, no, no, no. Like what times you show? And I was like seven. He's like, all right, bet, bet all right bet bet bet you're gonna be gone. I'm gonna hook you up. I get back here

What do you think the welcome gift is? Bottle of water and a cookie Places are giving out cookies these days, which I don't this is a and he's missing a half smoke joint Okay, this is this is a sleep in in Rapid City. It's called sleep in a handful of change no pennies and a koozie Here's a hint. It came in this bag says who queefed on the koozie One I'll show life

Here you go folks one high life that bottle no tall camp bag of skinny pop any pop a skinny Might be thinking well, that's probably for popcorn kernel the appetizer Yeah, no no that's a single bag of skinny pop popcorn What in a brown bag a bag in a bag a bag in a bag? That's so fucked. That's really bad A bag in a bag? A bag in a bag. That's so fucked. That's really bad.

This is one of the worst snacks there is. It looks like a small bag. It's not even like a... Dude. Oh, I forgot about... It's a single bag. What, you forgot you had some panda stash? No, I forgot about the golden sriracha Doritos

until right now. Becker, did you go get some? I haven't. I wonder if they're even down here. We're not a big test market, unfortunately. Yeah, unless it's the atom bomb. That's right. I told Becker this was going to be his big time moment because I was running on fumes, but luckily my wife is severely disappointed in me. He's exhausted.

He fired me up. We got fuel for the fire. I took a little weed nap earlier because I got, oh yeah, I've got all the stuff from Cody. We already shouted him out, I think, but Cody from Humboldt. I got to get you some stuff, Becker. We've got some flowers, some pre-rolls. Oh, and then, well, so that stuff was from Cody, but Sam, you got a couple of baggies

of granola, weed granola from a woman. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Beanie's running around. She listens too. Fuck.

What's her name? Kara? Reba? I think she's- She has a single mom, works two jobs. I think her name's Reba. Yeah. Yeah. You know that Reba, I think she's a single mom works two jobs. I think her name's Reba Yes. Yeah, you know that Reba's black. Do you think this thing about redheads are black? On the internet is that the new thing this cats cats are boy cats are girls or whatever cats are gay dogs Well Becker, this isn't one of your they have an extra muscle in their leg type things This is like this was like fun that people were having online. Yeah. They're like, societally, they're in the same boat. Everybody looks, gives them

a hard time. Everybody wants to touch their hair. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's like, and also, I guess morphology wise, they're more closely related to black people. Anyway, Sophie has interpreted this, my sister, as it makes sense that Mel's attracted to Reba McIntyre because she's a redhead, so she's black. And Mel's like, that's not it. That's not what it is. It's that she's an old white woman and that does it for me.

And Sophie's like, no, no, no. So anyway, that's been going on. But yeah, I'm going to have my skinny popcorn. Should I do the ad reads or what? Are we hiding this one? Yeah. No, let's do them. No, no, no. Let I do the ad reads or what? Are we hiding this one? No, let's do it. No, no, no. Let's do them. All right. So I'm going to say Sam for the... She doesn't listen anymore allegedly. I guess this is how we'll know. Because if she listens, she will not bite

her tongue. Well, she said the Pat episodes aren't that bad. She's going back through. Oh no, she's hooked. Hey, so for this, there's two. For one of them, don't mention direct competitors by name and don't imply the ad's use in any illegal activity. All right, here we go. Okay, well let me guess which ad I'm not allowed to do that stuff for. All right. Well, first up.

I'm not allowed to do that stuff for all right Okay, and the ads start now you don't need a billion dollars in a trip to Bali to feel good Just pop a via gummy and get ready to relax already. Hey take a load off toots Via is changing the game and hey baby, baby. take that bra off and let him swing. We got Viya. Come on in here, honey. Pop some gummy bollies. I ordered a Domino's thin crust barbecue chicken pizza. I closed the trunk. And I rented Norbit from the library. I closed the trunk. Come sit near me on the couch. Let me say this. Vaya is changing the game in natural wellness combining high quality

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I like to take that one and then go. You can lift a car if there's some snacks under, if there's some skinny pop underneath the wheel. Well, I need to lift the hood of my car so I can tip all the water out of the trunk. It drains out, there's holes in a trunk. There's holes everywhere. That's why people can live in there.

They don't run out of oxygen, there's holes in the bottom of that trunk. There's air vents. Exactly, and guess what water is? It's half air. Almost half. Two thirds. It's a third. Choose the cannabinoid dose you're looking for and create your best reality. Their products range from zero to 100 milligrams of THC. This is good stuff. Quality ingredients. It gets you where you need to go. I love them. I had two last night. I went to reach for my Puffco and I said, what are these? And I found one of those canisters they sent us a while ago and I popped two of those and it really made the rehearsal almost watchable. Becker, you've been blasting them.

I love them and I love the rehearsal. Yeah, they rule. The one with the HHC is really good. I like that new Kiwi one. I like the green one. The green apple rules. There's that new green Kiwi too that's very good. There's one that's a straight up shovel to the head.

There's one that's like a fucking plastic bag with a rubber band around your neck that just like, eat a couple of those And you're like, good night nurse. Then you sleep for 12 hours. It's so high you leave the trunk open. Thanks. Viya Viya only delivers lab tests. She loved me Viya. And then your fine products got me so elevated.

I forgot to close the trunk. They created it.'t it wasn't just my Diploma that was washed away and a bunch of ghoul shirts. It was also my relationship with the woman that defines my life Thanks, Viya. That's how good your stuff is. I'm not even pissed about it. I'm so smacked on Viya Who cares, you know Plenty of trunks to leave open. Everyone does it. That's what's crazy is everyone is done this. This is like the one time where she gets to be pissed because it rained.

Yeah. She used to love it. It was one of the reasons that you guys ended up- You used to love it! Yeah. That was like one of the things that made you stand out with all the other, uh, suitors that she was in. Well, yeah, I mean, it's cause she, she, she hates Michael Vick.

So I said, I'll leave the trunk open. What? You know about that? No. I think Vic was trunking dogs. Oh boy. Two dogs enter one dog leaves drive around. Oh, dogs? Oh boy. Two dogs enter, one dog leaves, drive around. Oh, all right.

Probably in an impala, honestly. Well, Vaya. Vaya only. Vaya has, no one at Vaya has ever fought dogs against each other in a violent blood sport, and that's a guarantee. That's right. And you know what? If those dogs had a couple of these Vaya gummies, the only thing they'd be fighting over is the last slice of deep-dish pizza who gets to lick whose balls

By only delivers lab tests and certified products none of this mystery gas station nonsense So, you know, you're in good what the fucks in those gas station backers always take so hard I pass out Yeah, he's taking whatever he can get from behind the good stuff. He asks for from the gas station attendant Give me the good stuff What's under the counter? It's just it's just a guy's cock and balls. He's like I'm new to back here Not with the FDA I swear to God if I was I'd have to tell you You're not with the Full dick apartment. Well, I couldn't figure it out That's too bad. You're not with the full dick apartment. Well, I couldn't figure it out.

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Go to the gas station. That's where- Do not hit me up. Hit up Becker. If you're one of our teenage listeners, hit up Becker. He'll send you some weed. He'll straighten you out. My dad's been using the non- weed ones to help with his head trauma has he

His head trauma yeah, you went to my truck when he got t-bone Yeah, a little allegedly. I think he might have done after the fact. I saw the truck. He went through it I think you can like styles healthier God his is terrible. He's lucky that didn't happen until he was 70 years old. He's constantly gushing out of his head, just gushing. There's no ask for that. He wore the windshield as a mask?

Yeah. Ugh, he should have. I mean, that bio, man. I mean, look, ad reads over. I like that product. It rules. It rules. All right.

It's not over yet. Don't get stuck in the endless, I'll get you back next time loop. That's me and Becker at Bob and Earl's. Oh, he always has a hole in his pocket after we eat at Bob and Earl's. So luckily I'm racking up- Last time Becker opened his wallet, he had an onion ring in there. Luckily I'm racking up Bob bucks and Earl dollars. But yeah, don't get stuck in that endless.

Duke of Earl. I'll get you a big time loop. When it comes to sending, receiving and transferring money, you need the cash app. That's right. Hell yeah. Cash app. Cash app. Cash app. It's so easy. I mean, I'm in church and God is screaming it. Cash app. I cash app God every time I swear. Every time I curse, I stub my

toe, I say, God damn it and Jesus fucking cross, Christopher fucking Jesus on the cross. Come sail away. I cash out his ass and it's all good. He stops banging on the floor with a broom. He doesn't like this down there. I used cash out twice tonight selling my merch. Two people use Cash App. That's great. It's so easy to get started. It's really fucking easy. You could go through the windshield of a car and still sign up, I think. You don't even need a bank account. Sorry, Becker. That's too much. All you need

is your phone number or email address. It's not like it just happened. He's funny. No, it's very funny to me. He doesn't remember your name half or email address. It's not like it just happened. He's fine. No, it's very funny to me. He doesn't remember your name half the time, but it's fun. Keeps calling you Peter. Hey Cob. Cobby. Get over here Cob.

Give your uncle a kiss. You're like, well, I'm your son. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone's my little boy. Yeah, I hear it all the time. You're still going down. You're still jump bail. He thinks he's on the job. Hey, dad, cash out me 10 bucks. I'll give you a kiss. How about that? Your dad sends you a thousand dollars. You're like, what? He's like, that's right. Podcast podcast is going to be a rerun this weekend. Just kissing.

So much kissing. Becker's dad sends him a thousand bucks and Becker just goes, all right. Clear my schedule. I'm your little cob. Yeah. I guess I'm not going for a walk. Now you can offer to throw down your card for that group meal without worrying that no one will ever

pay you back. Cash app, Sam, cash app is simple to use and super secure. Isn't that fun? Yes. Yes. What do you have to say about it? I like it. It's good. I use it. I mean, I use it more than I don't use it. And I like that. It keeps you busy. Our fans often have cash app. Our fans often are like, hey, it's fun. Let's bust out cash app dog. And then we do the little dance that we all do when we cash app each other. It's easy to do. It's just like, it's like reverse dabbing. It's like you look into it. Yeah, it's kind of a shoulder shimmy and then a little wiggle. Becker does it whether music's playing or not. That's his tick.

It's the Cash App dance. Oh, dude, I had a tick on my chest today for like three hours. You got to be more aware. Are you just in a haze? Are you just... Are you in a fugue state? I went out to Claire's property today up in Spearfish. Oh, beautiful. Yeah.

We got in that water. I'm jealous. We got in the water. Ryan had a leech on him and I was like, ha ha, you're getting your blood sucked. But then we were driving back three hours later and I'm just scratching to my chest hair and I fucking pulled out a little bug and I was like, Oh God. Did you get the head? No. You need to burn it out.

How do I know where the head is? It's where the body was. You needed to look at the bug when you had it. I just pulled, I was like, this is gross. And I squished it and dropped it. Do you have a wound? I mean, I have a lot of open wounds on my body. And none of them are from Cash App. Let's finish the ad read before we take watch 2025.

Before you take your shirt off. Did they mention anything about having tics? No, it's fine. Yeah, it's definitely fine if we're talking about our lives and what may or may not have bit us. You and Merrick can be Lyme disease buddies. Well I'd rather have a key lime. For a limited... And what may or may not have bid us, uh, you and Merrick can be Lyme disease buddies. Well, I believe a key line for a limited, for a limited obstacle, cell anemia. All right, shut up for a limited time only new cash app users can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash for real. There's no catch.

Just download cash app and sign up. Use our exclusive referral code chubby in your profile. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App. I mean, that's straight money, baby. You just made five bucks. Then your girlfriend can get off your back about bringing money in. It's like, hey, I just made 10 bucks. So why don't you shut up? back about bringing money in. It's like, hey, I just made 10 bucks, so why don't you shut up? I would like it if Cash App offered a service where they paid you back to get your car detailed. Okay.

Let's see that tick. You shouldn't burn ticks so they don't say anymore. You should use tweezers and get all the way into the wound and remove the bug out and after removal, clean the bite area thoroughly. I don't have a wound. I think I just had some like chigger crawling on me. Okay. Because if it's a tick, they burrow. There was no burrowing. I was just like, what's this? I thought it was a Reese's Pieces, but no, it was a little bug. And I went, uh-oh. And then I was obsessed with the idea of being

covered in ticks. So I made Moss take me to the hotel so I could take a shower. I searched my body for ticks. You inspected your whole body. I mean, that's impossible. I didn't have a team working around the clock. Send me the video. You had a drone.

Yeah. A drone that looked at your whole. I went to the Rapid City airport and was like, hey, can you use some imaging real quick? And I hopped in there. And they were like, are you wearing a belt? And I said, I am. I've been losing weight. I need one.

I keep forgetting. I keep forgetting. Isn't it crazy? I need suspenders, bro. I got an insane fit picked out for the fucking reunion. I'm going to be going hard, insane-o. Red, zoot suit, top hat. You're dressing like Suge Knight.

Yeah. What was that? Homecoming, 2004? That was prom, bitch. I was the prom king in that outfit. Prom 2005? Yeah. Mm-hmm. That was actually the Crom Comedy Festival, 2009. Damn, what are you going to do? And you not, allegedly you're not going to wear the crazy, the suit from Cleveland, what Mr. Ken or whatever.

Dude, it's going to be a hundred degrees. I don't care. You're going to be inside. You're supposed to look good. I mean, I'm going to be looking really good. Okay. Because you have something else. French outfit.

French. Okay. So that cap something else. French outfit. French. Okay. So that cap, cap, chevair or whatever. Emmy picked it out. Hopefully she's still coming. Did you get your suit fitted yet? No, I haven't gotten anything done because I haven't been home ever. Yeah, that's what I figured.

But if you had it fitted, we could have both dressed really insane-o for one of the nights we were together. Dave's party. When nights are we together? Oh yeah, you're coming to that Becker? My dad was like, I thought I had Becker's phone number. And I was like, when did you get it, dad? 2014?

It's the same number. Is it? Well, maybe you should respond to my dad if he texted you two weeks ago. He didn't he said Hey buddy, is Becker mad at me? I was like, yes That'll be fun for you to deal with This I moved my camera my computer just a little and this

Backdrop has been making me laugh because it looks flesh-colored. It looks like I'm inside of, or like I'm, there's a giant like, a giant white guy's belly that's behind me. Yes. Yeah. There's a bit of a happy trail in the corner. It's crazy. It looks, I don't know why. The door hardware, whatever that is, looks like freckles.

Yeah, it looks like Luke Longley is nude behind you. Yeah, hey fellas, shut up and be real still and I'll just act like I'm in the church office that I normally broadcast from. I'm definitely not hiding inside of another guy. I'm not inside of a guy's throat. Yeah. I've started to get a crazy speaking of crazy wardrobe. I pulled out dumb pants for a trip to New Zealand that we discussed and I've been looking at the weather pretty frequently and like right now it's 40 degrees and raining in Queenstown. Yes. What about Queensryche?

Warm shit. How was it in Queensryche? By the way, Brisbane, if you're listening, what the fuck? What's going on, Briz? What did I do? Huh? Every other show down there, I think there's like fucking 30 tickets left in Melbourne and Sydney,

and like Perth is at 70% sold. We added a show in Auckland. What's going on Brisbane? Yeah. We're it's like, it's, it's, it's first of all, I don't know if the ghouls at CAA were thinking to book me in a 650 room or seat room, but uh, about 250 of those 650 are sold. So Brisbane, we're a week away Are you cool you fucking put down the bong and come see me put down the didgeridoo? June 28th, it's not like I'm flying 15 hours to be there you Guy hit me up who's bringing you guys weed brownies. Whoa where in The town I'm not in with in. So I believe Sydney.

We'll get to have some. Sydney. Yeah, Sydney, you guys are getting weed brownies. Well, we're going to have to eat them on the plane. Or right before. Or if we shoot up the New Zealand GORPOD. I don't think it's illegal to bring it in your belly. Well, they're going to have to search me. Lund's already in someone's belly right now. Yeah, look at me. They're going to have to cut open George Mirason to get Lund out of there. I'm eating a heroic dose for the flight. What do you mean?

Oh yeah, Becker's getting fucked. I got- Of what? Of Buffalo Wild Wings? No, I got like a 4,000 milligram pack of gummies. Oh my God. So you're just going to be a total sputzo. And that's only 20 gummies.

And then I'm getting a 2,000 milligram bottle of syrup to put in a Gatorade right before I walk into the airport. Yeah, but how are you going to get through security? I'm going to drink- You can't bring liquids through. No, I'm going to drink the entire thing before I go into the airport. Why are you going to put it in a Gatorade? We get to carry you to your seat.

Because the syrup's thick and it's usually like saccharin sweet, so putting it in something else that hides the airport. Why are you going to put it in the carrier? We get to carry you. Because the syrup's thick and it's usually saccharin sweet, so putting it in something else that hides the flavor. So you're just going to pull the pin on a mind freak and then make it their problem? You're going to make his hat deal with you? I won't be anybody's problem. I think Becker's dead, but I might be dead. I'll be fine. Well, I'm going to do the drink before I go in and then

I'm going to eat. You're going to do the stink when you're in the sky. No, I'm going to eat the gummies in LA. Yeah, you're going to loosen, your butthole is going to loosen and you're going to flood the trunk of the plane. Yeah. Dude, fuck, I forgot about the goddamn trunk. We got to have fun for 45 minutes, but now back to reality. There's nothing to be done about it. I think we just write it off. Sell it. Make the car be for sale and just be like, no, it's never been wet.

That car's done so much for you. Don't do that to it. No, I need to make this right and I'm totally spazzing in my brain. No, it's easy. You get ahold of Chelsea, you tell her you'll pay for everything and you'll pay her a little extra and to please take the car to the nicest detail shop. I'll edit it. Yeah, have her do that and she'll drop it off. They'll diagnose how bad it is. They can contact- It's not that bad. Well, they'll diagnose how much work it's going to take and then give you a quote and then you agree to it and they fix everything and you're good.

Dude, I had like 50 pounds of oatmeal back there. That might help. If that was true, that might truly help. Yeah, sandbag. Soaked up moisture. Yeah. No, it was loose. I'm more worried at this point now that I'm thinking about it, about the back of your seat, any electronics like your taillights.

Fuck, I have a VCR in there. No, the car's electronics. You. How am I going to watch Goosebumps? Are you afraid of the dark? I watched Are You Afraid of the Dark the other night? Nice. Yeah Yeah to masturbate Me and I sure found these six hour videos that this guy posted that are just full afternoon blocks of snick and Nickelodeon From when you can't solve all your plans

You called your boss. I quit Walk and then I saw the storm coming and I ran like four miles home. There were a lot of... No, you didn't. Also, there's a lot of flashing lights in those episodes, so Pysher was probably freaking out. Four miles, Becker? You ran four miles?

I could believe you were out walking, but you ran four miles? Okay, so what is that? The amount of pop tarts you ate today? That's 16.5. 16.5. And in the last hour, I ran 3.9 because I wanted to beat the fucking hail to my car. Did you starfish over your car to try to save it? No, I just stood on the porch. I warmed it up and then I stood on the porch and smoked trying to figure out what my plan was and then I remembered that I could take it over

to Orrin's carport. Becker, what program do you use? Calm Down. Apple. To fake your walking results? No. I don't fake my walking results. Is that chat GPT? Put the phone in the dryer.

Why would I fake it? I don't know. To impress't fake my walk in my songs. Was that ChatGPT? Put the phone in the dryer. Why would I fake it? I don't know. To impress all the walkers we have listening. He's in the walker Reddit. They are playing this at various malls for the old people as they do their laps. Yeah, they would upset me. 16.5 miles. Well, I also went to Walmart and Safeway later on, so probably like a mile and a half of

that's me shopping. Be. That's a lot. Walking to Walmart. What's yours for the month? Not that. Probably a mile and a half. I've walked to work a couple of times, but it's close. I think all my stuff stopped. I don't think I'm going to have to walk and do as much PT to keep the atrophy away. All my hair is coming back No way. Yeah, we'll see about that. Yeah, it is. This is the only spot that's still bald

Not coming back Look, I didn't have any color here. No, that's cool. Is the beard in the room with us right now? Yeah, it rocks and I have only got assignment. I've only had one bad night since the ear surgery. That's when all those crows attacked because you fell asleep with salami on your belly. I gained two and a half pounds in the last week and a half. Whoa. It's all good news. So yeah, that whatever doctor of yours finally tied the ear tubes to the other stuff may have been right. So far so good.

We're going to do a die scan on Thursday on my way to the airport. I'm going to stop or up to Denver. They kill you. I'm going to stop in Pueblo and have them check it out. They kill you. You die, then they scan you. They scan you. We bring you back. It's fine. Then they forget to bring you back.

Fuck. Then they fax you instead of scanning. I'm awake this time. Have you guys had those dyed CT scans where you feel like you pissed yourself the rest of the day? No. No. It does something weird to your nervous system where it truly feels like your crotch region's

wet for the rest of the day. Like you're on mushrooms. That's just your pussy, Becker. No, the first time they said that to me, I was like, Hmm, I wouldn't, that doesn't make sense. How did they know that I got up to my car and was like, did I piss my pants? Oh, that's right.

They warned me about this. No, I mean, that isn't, that is incredibly hot though. I'm glad you told us about that. You're welcome. Uh, you know, what's incredibly hot is joining the Patreon. We should have shouted it out before the last minute and a half because some of you get busy, get called back to Playmore Skyrim so you don't listen to the end of the episodes. We have so many Patreon episodes, $5 a month gets in there, patreon.com slash chubby behemoth.

A lot of you were always having the episode interrupted by your mom coming in and telling you to finish your homework, but we don't have any of that on the Patreon. All right. Yeah, no. Kids rule. Anything goes over there. Kids rule in the Patreon. School sucks.

Mama has been just hanging out up here for some reason instead of going to bed. Oh, no. Did Bill Wennington swallow mama as well? Bill Wennington, yeah, so many bull centers ended up swallowing my ass. I've gotten small, not really. Hey, are you gonna bring your medicine to Australia? I don't know, tell your wife to quit yelling at you

and call me back so we can make a plan. Hey, what if I called her right now and she had to talk to you? What if you were my bullet sponge instead of just my pepperoni sponge? I could say, hey, sorry to say that this might be a Manjaro side effect because I've also left my trunk open. I think it's a, I think it's something we could not help. It's a compulsion. It's a medical compulsion.

Please say that to her. Yeah, she's a hatchback. No one will believe it. She would believe it. Please. No, I would be even dumber than you if I left the hatchback open. It's glaring. I know that Sam has blown it with the trunk thing, but I love to see him blow it.

You know that, but I just want to let you know, I've been leaving my trunk open a lot. Yeah. I've been leaving a lot of stuff open. I don't flush either. Then she'll believe you, and then she'll hear this a couple days later and realize that she's been worked and she'll be double mad all over. It's not easy keeping me from swallowing my tongue. Most of her life is her having to flip me onto my belly so I don't swallow my own emotional vomit. Whatever dumb assery I've created, she just has to walk in the wreckage.

But guess what? When you're not tap dancing through the ruins, it's a pretty good fucking time. Also your big mistake is very flexible. She's married to the circus. It's a pretty good fucking time, you know? Also you're being married. You're married. Well, she's like married to the circus, you know? It's like, isn't that fun for a girl? Being married to the whole goddamn circus. Yeah.

And you didn't- Growing up in the carnival. You didn't leave it on a hill with no parking brake and it rolled down the street into a building. Wait, how'd you hear about that? You didn't fucking not change the oil for two years and burn up the motor. You did something fixable. You didn't fucking ruin the car.

No, I've like treated that car with kids. I never drive that car ever and it doesn't have tags on it and one of the tires might be flat, but Chelsea can deal with all this. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm fucked. I got to end it. I'm going to go, I'm going to go draw my last bath, gentlemen. We'll see you in a couple of days. You gotta, you gotta make it back from Rapid City safe and sound. My dad would understand.

My dad tried to kill himself a lot when my mom was mad at him. So are you, are you, are you, are you flying? Are you flying to Denver? What do you think? I don't know. I don't know if you're in the, you think I'm driving six and a half hours? The back of a chicken truck. Maybe it should end after what you just said. I don't care. But goodbye.