Chubby Behemoth - Hole Patrol

Episode Date: June 19, 2022

Y Tu Mama Tambien. Tine Peen. Chuck Berry Vs Buck Cherry.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey, y'all. Hey. Chubby Behemoth fans, if you want even more hot, sweaty action, we've got a Patreon, patreon.com slash chubbybehemoth. Only $5 a month, we'll get you four extra episodes a month. Four. We got a big old back catalog full of some of the best episodes. For sure.

So get up in there. Make a month of it. Have a crazy July. Slam them on. Five fucking bucks. Yeah, who cares? Lone's all fucking itchy. Who needs to do this now?

Back to pod, I don't know how better get all the stuff off your bed not like you wallow in shit most of the time ooh I'm born to rhyme this is Sam T Nation y'all what was that throwing at you?

he was throwing eggs at me real eggs? yeah he was trying to recreate what happened in 2021. I ate an egg on stage. It was a raw egg. I clamped it in my mouth. I didn't think you could bite through the shell. Why not? Why does he not? I thought that an egg shell was like titanium. The concrete of Mother Nature's greatest gift. The chicken and the egg.

Which came first? The answer is me. Nature gets me hot as hell. I always come first. What's gonna happen first? The sun will explode on me. Whoops, I just came soft. Who fucking cares if I gotta stand in my undies?

Lung's laying down. Look, I'm you on most of the podcast episodes. I'm laying down. Lung is me. Big old gut slapping it. on most of the podcast episodes. I'm laying down. Lund is me. Big old gut slapping it. Sammy T. Getting harder than granite.

Lund, tell them where we're at. We are in the birthplace... Of hip-hop. The birthplace of modern civilization. The most historic of all the towns in southern South Dakota. Are we talking about Sioux Falls? We're talking about Fast Town, USA. Otherwise known as

Hurry Up and Get There, South Dakota. Ciudad de Rapido. Ciudad Rapidamente, por favor. No más despacio, más rápido. Rapid City, baby. Coming to you from the Baymont Hotel in Rapid City, South Dakota, it's Sam Tallent and Nathan Lund on Joe Rogan Presents Shane Gillis' half-hour comedy special featuring a baby crying.

A dog in a dumpster. A woman texting her ex. I'm sorry. Take me back. I-L-Y. A-S her ex. I'm sorry. Take me back. I-L-Y-A-S-L-W-Y-P. But most importantly, it's your favorite podcasters. Nathan London and Sam Tallon on another episode of Chubby Behemoth. Chubby Behemoth.

It's better than sex. It's worse than death. Chubby Behemoth. Listen to better than sex. It's worse than death. Chubby behemoth. Listen to it while you avoid your kids. Who cares about them little shits? Chubby behemoth. Are you soft even though you wanna be hard?

Would the only thing that saves your relationship be your hard dick? But you can't will it cause the pressure's too much. You think about it too much. She says, let's have sex tonight. It's 8 a.m. Thinking about it all day. A 14-year-old can get hard, but why can't you?

Your dick's like clay. The weight of the world on your dick's shoulders. How could you come in a time like this? You worked 12 hours of Blockbuster video in 1996. like this you work 12 hours a blockbuster video in 1996 you stole the twigs they'll never know you put it under the bottom row where the foreign films go eat you mama Tom the unbearable lightness of being 15 and working at Blockbuster. No, we don't have Patch Adams, bitch. We've got Bicentennial Man.

We've got 35 copies in stock now. No one rented it. It's a piece of shit. Luckily, Robin Williams is going to live forever. He doesn't miss. Every movie's either Aladdin or Doubtfire over and over.

Let's not forget Jack. The hairiest boy who ever lived. Bill Cosby in a treehouse. If only we knew then what we all know wow. He winked at the camera and said, these moms I'm gonna

plow. We should sing more on the pod. We both have great voices for singing. Listen to this though. Did that pick up? Did it register? Oh, I don't know. I don't think it did. Maybe a little.

All right. I'll try to get one on Mike. Yeah, part on your Mike. That's my promise. My dinner tonight was a hundred potato chips. Yeah, you picked around the meat on... Everyone's plate. It's five different plates of nachos.

Hey, COVID's coming back stronger than ever. Let's share a bunch of finger food. Yeah. Civilian and comedian alike, come put your paws in this greasy dish. Luckily, Mitch Jones ate 12 tiny hamburgers. Did he? I had one. You see his giant mitts wrapping up

a tiny bee? It was crazy. I saw him do the little sneaky, my middle finger and my pointer finger are legs that are going to creep onto the plate and take a tasty. Yeah, because when you're a massive fat wad, you have to be kind of fun and coquettish about how you eat food in front of people. Yeah. That's why I do the classic, oh, what's this? Oh, what's going on over here?

I've never seen this before. What is this called? Oh, wow. I told you. These are chips, Sam. And you're like, mmm. How do you pronounce that chipes chips the cheapos yeah i did it to the point where even the local comics weren't into it anymore they just they didn't fake laugh for you well like the first three times they were like god

this guy's got it going on in every way i'm writing it down yeah just keep preaching moses note to self act like you've never seen chips before to comedic effect while they're laughing shove it in your face yeah and then i came back and like one of them rolled his eyes and the other one checked tinder guess what? Zero matches. Yeah. You, I don't know if you knew, you could probably see everybody in the room during your show, right? Because you made fun of

a laugh and it was me and you were like, never laugh again. You gave me double fingers. Oh, yeah. I knew it was you. Okay. I couldn't.

I think I said, hey, stop that piggish cackling back there. You make fun of laughs all the time. I didn't know if you knew it was me or not. Yeah, I know your laugh because it sounds like this.

Hmm. That wasn't even a fake laugh. You were like, oh, fake laughing. But it was real because of something random. Like, the best things now are just a little random. Like, you did a little dance tonight and then said, shut up to the crowd. You wiggled your butt real quick. And then people giggled and you go, shut up.

That's comedy. It hit. It's so funny what comedy can be it can be anything when you are truly free up there oh dude it's the best when you're just goofing you hear bukely in the back with her giant moment this was bukely laughing in that's how Bukley laughs it sounds like a dude farting in a hotel bed god what if every episode

we were in a hotel room in our beds looking at each other that'd be the best we gotta this thing's gotta blow up

I just wish we lived in hotels together our wives be damned yeah I wish our wives would just croak I wish we found them I wish our wives would just croak.

I wish we found them. I wish they would just get mass shooting. Yeah. Just get shot in a grocery store so that we could truly live. We'd have to do the grocery shopping for that to happen. Emily doesn't lift a damn finger around the house. The only finger she lifts is to put into her pussy. Whoa.

She knuckles it. She's fingering herself all the time. Constantly. Yeah, she comes home from work, she's already fingering herself. With her hand down the front of her scrubs. It's in. That's what she says. It's a girl. Yeah.

I'm the girl. I'm coming to term. It's a late term abortion. Clit power. Hello, it's me, Clit Powers. That would be a cool name, Clit. Yeah, Clit. Hi, I'm Clit.

Hi, this is my daughter, Clit. Sounds like Biff. Yeah. These are my kids, Biff and Clit. Yeah, every bully in an 80s movie was named Clit. Like a skateboard. Did it come with a helmet? The main bully is Biff and then the toady, the sidekick, is clit.

Speaking of toadies, dude. Noah Reynolds opened the show at Comedy Works. Someone hit him with a toad. Oh, no way. As he walked on stage. Oh, God. Did it shake him? He didn't say a word about it. I bet he hated it. I was warning him, too.

I was like, here, someone's going to yell toad. And if it sounds like me, it wasn't. You're mistaken. Yeah, it was Moppen. No, I told him. Me and Bori were like, look, if someone yells toad, here's what you do. You say, toad's not here, but the frog is. And then you crouch and you hop around while going rivet rivet rivet you're setting him

up for success yeah god dude imagine if he did that though because he kind of looks like a frog so if someone tried to shake him by yelling toad in front of a bunch of chubby chasers at comedy works on wednesday and then he goes he's not here but the frog is the toad's not here but the pole is on stage. And grab his dick. Yeah. He whips it out. That's the monkey.

Yeah, I think you'd have to go pretty hard as opposed to what you're doing, which would be like the equivalent of a dog showing you its belly. That's too submissive. It'd be like, oh, look at me. Ribbit, ribbit. I'm a little froggy. Well, it's just funny to think of him hopping around the stage in a crouch position. Yeah.

For my benefit. But he didn't do it. No. What did he do? Just go, shut up. He went, uh, I'm going. Going. No, Noah had a great set of comedy works.

Nice. Yeah, I was proud of him. Did everybody? Noah. Noah. Dish. A.J. Finney opened. He hosted.

He was very funny. He did 49. No, he did 15. A.J. Finney opened. He hosted. He was very funny. He did 49. No, he did 15. Perfect. And then Noah went on. Did great. Subbed every panty in the house. He was a panty peeler that night.

Fruit by the foot. You're supposed to say panty, but you say panty. It makes it more lascivious. Panty pro V. Panty pro and car. Panty Pro V Panty Pro and car Panty Pro V the V is for Vagin

and then Alec Flint went on and fucking killed Alec Flint Flynn killed the T is silent yeah he's Larry Flint's

grandson he's in a wheelchair Alec Flint he goes up there he's like where's all the fucking hole at? I'm on a hole patrol.

Oh, God, I just remembered a time in college where I was at some random person's house and I, like, had to jack before I showered. Whoa! And there were hustlers in there and I was like, what is this smut? I'm a playboy, man. I'm a man of taste

where you the only dick you see in a playboy is like the cartoons right yeah the way it should be and then hustler it's like oh good some assholes dong yeah like the centerfold in a hustler is two and a half pages of dick and then just a gaping place a spread butthole yeah look at this like oh come on larry flint oh my god what is that a pizza this is too much free speech free speech should have limitations yeah i know spot when i see it yeah so uh but i jacked it you whacked of course you jacked yeah big old i remember being a big bathroom and thinking someone's certainly gonna tell me what the hell are you doing in there and i have to be like i took a long dump and now i'm taking a medium shower. You thought that the home restroom

had a bathroom attendant? That's how big it was? Just an old, like, 65-year-old blind man? More mints, please. Hey, you having fun over there? You need some floss? I'm jacking it. Because the dude's blind. Yeah. Hey, you need a menthol?

Hey, my nose isn't blood. I can smell what you're doing. It smells like springs and bloom in here. It smells like spit and palm. The cum trees in South Dakota are in bloom. Oh, yeah, I haven't noticed. They are. You weren't here.

Oh, spearfish? Spearfish. Spearfish. Spearful? Dude, just reeked like fucking eighth grade hand. Yeah, that is... he smelled like stiff socks that is funny I think there's a lot of those in Nevada so I remember them

from my youth I remember my dad and my uncle one time walking we had like 14 acres growing up and we were walking this plum tree that was very deep on our acreage and my dad and my uncle they were walking and then my

dad said oh wow it smells like sam's room and i didn't know what he meant i was like oh what this is like piss and pepsi yeah it smells like jugs filled with urine and madden 2001 it smells like the game manunt. It smells like Jamal Lewis. Smells like a Theo Ratliff poster. In that truck stick. For the Ravens. I didn't like that. Yeah, you got your ass. You don't like when people get your ass.

I don't like when my dad is gross. I hate more than anything in the world when my dad says something horny or like blue. I hate when my dad makes a cum joke a jerk-off joke a sex joke and it's gotten to the point where he knows that I hate that even though I've never said it doesn't make them anymore except for when Emily's in the room because Emily loves it yeah yeah that's their thing

yeah that's making you uncomfortable that's how they bond that's their love language with each other. It's my dad being like, oh, she's a real fine piece of two. And then me being like, whoa, you're crazy, Dave. And he's like, I'll show you crazy, bitch. Get over here.

Whoa. Get on all fours. Be a table. Yeah, be a table. I'm going to put a sandwich on your back. Some chips. Hey, let me take your pants off, daddy. I'm going to chew up your undies like a puppy. Keep them on.

I don't want to eat them off the ground. Vanderplug has a little corgi puppy, and it's tiny. And his girlfriend's sister said the dog devoured some panties. Yeah. And I was like, how? Didn't care. No, the smallest mouth and the tiniest teeth, and the dog is just like,

I need these in my fucking belly. Fuck this kibble shit. This is my colon cleanse. I gotta get this in my freaking on my tongue. I one time found a glue kit, a glue cap lid in my dog's stool.

Not Borty, the woman I was a boy. Augie. Augie? Oh, yeah. I was going through a phase where I would look at his turds. You kind of should to see if they have diarrhea, because something could be wrong. No, no, no. I'd follow him around the field for like three hours, and he would dump.

I was like four years old. You'd act like he was giving it to you as a present because he wanted a friend. This is an offering. Thank you, Augie. Cool. Free dog turd. I didn't even have to lose a tooth. I've got this dog turd

for the rest of the afternoon. I didn't have to lift my pillow. Put it on a swing. Skipping around with it. Making an easy bake oven cake. You hungry, turd? You look parched.

I'm feeding it milk. I'm just pouring milk on a dog turd. My dad's like, we gotta put him in that class, Betts. The doctor was right. Not gate. The kind where there is a gate that keeps them in so they don't run into traffic. Is this still working? Yeah, I'm

looking at it for no real reason. You're staring at every second going by. I don't want us to peak. I want the audio to be perfect after the debacle that was the last Patreon episode. Do you want to address that? Just the internet was spotty as hell and it was super frustrating. I had slept for like five hours and I was glad that I

woke up to see that you wanted to record a half hour later. I was like, oh good. Well, I'm going to stay up. I'll do the pod. Maybe I'll sleep a little more. And so it would have been fine. It would have been fun, great if we would have just recorded for an hour and I could have like had a couple of I would have had like three hours before work.

And then I start freezing like right away you guys make fun of me and then hello room service midnight room service we need some wd-40 on those hinges hello alfred hitchcock, that was a curious cat. I hope that picked up. That was a classic American fart. Well, God, and of course, the one time I don't look is for the farts, fart engineering,

because I look at your butthole as if there's anything... Like a flag's gonna come out that says bag. As if there's anything visual going on down there. Yeah, like, whoa, your dick moved. Whoa, your balls dropped. Whoa. That's sick. But yeah, sorry.

Hopefully that was still funny. No, people were furious. Really? They kept saying, get rid of Lund. Lund sucks. Kill Lund. A few people said that it was good, and part of the fun was laughing at my frustration. That's good.

So yeah, now I'm fixated on making sure we don't peak. I want the farts to be crystal clear, and the underwear to be stained brown. Oh god, they're splattered. It's like a Pollock painting. Can I tell you the truth? You can't be mad at me. What? Remember when we were doing the bit on the Patreon where you were at work and me and Jake were a couple?

Yeah. And I told you that you froze again? Yeah. You did not actually froze. Just one time you faked it? Yes. Oh my god. I'll kill you.

I'll kill you right now. And that's all on the Patreon, too, is Jake hey when he comes back on let's gaslight him awful yeah that's a dick move I don't like that it was great you should have never told me

I know should have been the last thing you ever said to me as I drifted off to sleep forever I'll never tell one thing real quick I'm so sorry

I'd be in a coma and you'd just like whisper and I'd you'd hope that it would register so you could hey Lon don't blink if you're mad unburden your soul.

My heart rate starts skyrocketing. He's back! Hey, Lund, if you're furious, open your eyes and do a tap dance. It saves my life. Because I wake up to try to attack you. You kill me. That's your last move.

You die on the floor after trying to choke me out. Take you to hell with you. Take you with me, yeah. I got a two for one, Satan. I got this douche coming along. Two for one, Satan. What was the name of the guy that, the boatman

from the River Styx? Chiron? Oh, yeah. Karen? C-H-A-R-O-N? Karen? The one that you had to bribe with the coins on your eyes? Yeah. Yeah. That was the fee

to cross the river. I think it was Kyrie Irving. Kyrie. Yeah. And the three-headed dog was Cerberus. Cerberus. Cerberus.

I wanted it to be Cerberus but it was Cerberus? I think it's Cerberus, yeah. I think it's Sarah Powell. My first crush was Sarah Powers.

Really? Yeah. She was a little nerd, freak. She sounds fake was Sarah Powers Really? Yeah, she was a little nerd, freak Sounds fake Sarah Powers Private eye She ended up being a doctor And we were both the smart kids And I was like, oh, we're both nerds

But we're smart and maybe we'll end up together And then we were just friends And then she became a neuro Or some type of chemist, scientist, like doctor and I'm a fucking dickhead looking at you. Yeah. It's me, Sarah Powers, kid detective. We're just farting back and

forth. Into our mics and then talking into them. And then smelling it. Yeah, that's what no one talks about when podcasters fart into the mic is them having to talk into the mic after they blast. Smells like my room in here. And kissing it. into the mic is them having to talk into the mic after they blast. Mm-hmm. Smells like my room in here.

Kissing it? Yeah. Kiss the mic. It's like kissing my own butt. Pucker up, my hole. My first crush ever, so there's two, when I was very young. Kid and play. No.

Kindergarten? Beavis and Butthead. No. 0 for 2 on that one. What about... 0 for 4. Let me guess. Bobby Bonilla and Barry Bonds.

No, no, no. I'm not as old as you, you old bitch. Damn it. Yeah. Ichiro Suzuki. There we go. It was Ken Griffey Sr. No.

So there was Bunny, whose father's name was Lizard. No way. Swear to God. Shut up. Lizard was Lizard. No way. I swear to God. Shut up. Lizard was in a motorcycle gang. My dad did his taxes. So Lizard would come over, and he was a classic big motorcycle man. And his daughter's name was Bunny, and we were born three days apart.

And my dad and Lizard thought it was very funny to be like, Oh, look at them. They're on a date. Look, they're going to prom. There's all these videos of me and Bunny three years old, four years old playing in hay. Playing with a dog turd. Yeah, exactly. You give her one.

She's like, oh, thank you. I'm using it as a mustache. I'm bowing. Dog turd for the lady? Looks like we'll be dining in tonight. It's a good vintage. It's from yesterday. It has your panties in it, Bunny. It's been lightly rained on.

Don't mind the hail damage. So Bunny, but she went on to not be good. Believe it or not. What'd she do? Her single father was in a motorcycle gang. So imagine the ramifications of that yeah later in life vet tech no no no that would be a huge dog groomer

dog groomer in that she eventually molested the dog no no i think the dog molested her on video uh for the rest of the boys no i don't want to talk about what happened to her. Okay. It wasn't good. You've talked about literally everything. Well, I mean, if I don't want to talk about it, this is like the end of Blood Meridian when they don't describe what happens in the jakes.

Yeah. To the little girl. That's how bad it was for Bunny. Damn. The judge crushed her to death. Okay. But my real first girlfriend was Jessie Payne. And Jessie Payne's family owned the radio shack in town,

which also happened to be the movie rental spot. So I got free movie rentals and also all the free batteries I could keister. You'd waddle out? I'd waddle out. Full? My RC car's gonna go far tomorrow. I had an accident.

I can't wait to put these in the remote control and watch where my so-called life of daddy. My dad loves so-called life. My so-called life.

Everybody did. Yeah, but my dad was like old. He was an old bitch like you. Right. He was probably your age, honestly.

He was like 39 or 40. He was watching Claire Danes. Yeah. He's like, yeah. I'd like to be sedated. Yeah.

Jordan Kelso. What was his name? Jordan Catalano. Jordan Catalano. He's like, yeah. I'd like to be sedated. Yeah. Jordan Kelso. What was his name? Jordan Catalano. Jordan Catalano. He was the bad boy. Yeah. My dad was like, he's not even that bad. He's not even that hot.

Yeah, God. Nice jacket. But Jesse Payne and I would go on dates at Casablanca. That was in Denver. Fucking. Fuck. Mexican food spot in Elizabeth. You forgot where

you came from, literally. That's what they said would happen. I said, nah, Sam's true blue till the end. He'll never forget where he came from. Botana Junction. Botana Junction. There's no way that's the name. Good old Botana. That was the name of it, dude. Botana

Junction. Yes, dude. On the corner of Yeah Right and Fuck Off. Because that ain't real at all. It's right next to the Napa in Elizabeth by the post office. The real heads know. All right, Max Ripple, please comment on this and let us all know. Boatana Junction, their secret sauce was ranch dressing mixed with salsa. And it was fire.

Yeah, I did that every day on my own in the lab. Oh, yeah? How about this? Is it registered? Hell yeah. The computer said, file error. Fatal mistake. Nice cloud,

T. No more storage. Actually, my first crush was when I was like four, and it was my swimming instructor. Oh, God. And I think she molested me, but I was into it. What? No, she was just some... You wish.

She was just some high school girl that taught swimming lessons, and I had a little crush on her because she was pretty, but I was also like four. Did she have them? Uh, I don't remember. You don't remember. She was a swimmer so probably not. I think she was a pretty athletic. Kind of like you right now. I am. What are you talking about?

You look like a manatee. You're shipwrecked. I'm gross. You're alright. Who cares? But Jessie and I would go on dates and my mom and her mom would come sit in the booth behind us. And this is at Lollipop Square? You liar. It was at BJ, dude. Mentirosa?

No, Botana Junction. Oh, es verdad. Yeah, es verdad. Cierto. Botana Junction? No, falso. And how old were you? I was like in six, I was not six,

I was six years old, seven years old. Okay, so you couldn't really like plow through a ton of videos for free, it was more like... Oh no,

dude, it wasn't videos, it was video games was the most important part. Oh shit. I would go in there, I would get Lost Vikings, Real Heads Know,

that was the game I would get all the time, Lost Vikings for SNES, and I would get all the time. Lost Vikings for SNES. And I would get Drop Dead Fred. Nice. I watched Drop Dead Fred maybe a thousand times. Yeah, it's a good one. It really formed my idea of what humor can be.

And then did you watch the Young Ones after that? I watched that with X, whose name is redacted. She liked it. She liked it. She loved it. Allegedly. She wanted less of me.

Yeah, she was like, shut up. Hey, Sam, quit breathing so heavy. Watching a real man be funny. Yeah. Young Ones was the one with the punk rocker, and they lived in the squat. The guy from Drop Dead Fred. Yeah, yeah. Rick something male. Yeah, Ricky Murdy.

It's funny. Yeah, it was very absurd and violent. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was good. That was fun, man. Yeah, Ricky Murdy. It's funny. Yeah, it's very absurd and violent. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's good. That was fun, man. Yeah, anyway. Speaking of swim instructors, I took Susu to her swim class last Sunday. Aw.

It was awesome. Are you dozing off? No, I'm... No, I'm... You're whispering now. I'm looking at you. Yeah, I know, but you were like, hey, I'm loud, I'm loud, I'm cool, I'm with it, I'm farting into the mic, and now you're like...

Time to take it down. I'm taking him on a ride, and now it's a little bit of a valley before we peak again. Let's bring it all down here. I'm slowing it down. It's me, I'm the king of hell. I thought you were going to say on stage tonight, the devil's my only friend, but what you said was funny.

What did you say? God won't have me, and the devil won't return my calls. I thought you were going to say, the devil's's my only friend and I would have popped so hard. I would have just knocked the closest guy over. Yeah, you would have. I started wailing on him. Yeah, this is real punk rock. I'm going to say that next time.

Fuck off. That's my new line. Yeah. No, it's mine. No, it's me. Well, it was a dude named Efren, I think, in Trinidad, but yeah. I told him that I say it

sometimes, but I credit him. Nice. It's such a badass thing to fucking say. I mean, I said it on stage tonight. Gaslight me. With my own shit. No, yeah, but Susu and I went to swim class. Susu. Dude, did I tell you about the fucking show in Davidson, Michigan? Yeah, we talked about it. Did we? On the pod? Well, yeah, but Susu and I went to swim class. Susu. Dude, did I tell you about the fucking show in Davidson, Michigan?

Yeah, we talked about it. Did we? On the pod? Well, yeah, in between real computer issues and then you piling on like a giant turd. Becker did it, too. He was complacent. Adding an extra bit of frustration. Dude, when you are fucking mental and pissed, it's the funniest thing in the world to me. No. Yeah, because you can't control it.

You're just like, oh, fuck me. All right. I'll just be over here sucking my own dick. Hey, George Michael, fuck you. I'll kill you. Leave me alone. I said I would kill the dogs. Yeah.

Oh, good. Looks like I have to kill the dogs and then myself. Yeah, it sucked. It was very frustrating. Yeah, I know. And I was like, how can I make this worse? It'd be better for me. Good call. Yeah. So that was fun. Yeah, it sucked. It was very frustrating. Yeah, I know, and I was like, how can I make this worse? It'd be better for me. Good call.

Yeah, so that was fun. Yeah, Susu, you put her in the pool, she floated, so you're like, good, she's not a witch. Right, that was it, but no, part of it was having to dunk her continually. Oh, yeah, you said that. Never mind then, all right, moving on. You mentioned that, and then you also said that you slipped on the edge of the pool and you fell in and your shorts came off and everybody laughed. They were like, is that his butt or his dick? Oh, it's his face.

Yeah. Everybody clowned you. Yeah. All the Michigan accents. Ah, look, he fucking fell in the pool. What a jag. Fucking jag. Do they say that in Michigan?

That was Susie's first word. Jag. Jag. Jag. Jag. She's flicking my dick. Jag. She's holding you under. Yeah. How do you like this? She just... Fat fuck. She just takes

control, senses weakness, and just bounces. It's like a koala on the back of my head Feeds you her own shit Her giant log Did you post that picture? I cannot You said you were supposed to And he said no

Yeah, I figured But that log was out of control You were like, I'm definitely going to share this with everybody on the Patreon It was like a blimpy sub. That's insane. It was nuts. It was like a loaf of rye bread. Boring.

No, you loved it. Wake me up when it's the size of one of ours. No, hers was much bigger than yours. No way. And she weighs like a ninth of your body mass. Right.

Not even a ninth. Probably like a twelfth. What? She's like... She weighs like 35 pounds. I'm mass. Right. Yeah, the proportion. Not even a ninth. Probably like a twelfth. What? She's like... She weighs like 35 pounds. So... I'm 300. Yeah.

So I'm 10 of her. Hey, you're 10 of her. That's huge. Yeah, hell yeah. But we're up here in South Dakota recapping a podcast that was on

a Patreon episode. Speaking of the Patreon, Lunn, where can they get that? www. Well, it's better to be safe and type out Worldwideweb.com Yeah

Wait, Worldwideweb. Patreon. Parentheses. Website. HTTP Wait, HTTPS Let's be secure HTTPS colon backslash backslash Worldwideweb. Patreon.com Slash chubby let's be secure https colon backslash backslash worldwide web dot

patreon dot com slash chubby behemoth has the tiny penis that's http that's where you are yep and I'm a dot org orgasm

yeah I'm coming for you online for patreon $5 a month gets you a fucking free app come on guys Orgasm. Yeah, I'm coming. For you. Online. For Patreon. $5 a month gets you a fucking free app. Come on, guys. Four for you. Four apps. Four extra apps. Now look, you're really kind of tapping out right now.

Do you have too many chips? I'm good. Are you okay? I had a bunch of chips. They tasted good. Pounded a bunch of water. Yeah. You and I shared a moment with a nice nicotine pouch.

Oh, my God. On brand. Did you enjoy it? On nicotine Japan? I don't know why that. And, you know, that Instagram page has some address in, like, Geneva, Switzerland. So, I think we're about to have our account taken over by a bot or something. Nice.

On is not on Instagram, I don't think. Because I don't think that Japan page was legit. Well, I tagged them. Maybe we'll get... I love being on nicotine. And I also love hoarding Nazi

gold. And that's why I do On Nicotine Japan in Geneva, Switzerland. Because I stay neutral when it comes to my tobacco consumption. I like that it's discreet. It doesn't smell. You can put one in your mouth and kiss your wife or your lady or your boyfriend. She never has to know.

And she'd be like, oh, why is your breath like citrusy clean? Yeah, why are you so even keel? I'm all fucked up on nicotine. Yeah, why aren't you mad at me? I got teen in my peen. Put a pouch under my dick. I have teen peen on Nicko. Yeah, why aren't you mad at me? I got teen in my peen. Put a pouch under my dick. I have teen peen. And she's like, I know. You're prepubescent. Yeah, it never

grew from when you were 12 on. Susu's like, wad. That's fine. Gwee. Her first word is gwee glow. Her mom's pissed. Hannah starts drinking again.

God damn it. It'd be so funny if Susie was listening to the podcast. She's just sitting there with her headphones on, nodding, driving her little bike around. Glee. I've got him. And she doesn't we scold her shut up it's stolen valor

women out there have them look at your mom give it some time you don't have to have them just yet someday soon this is my fault well yeah I mean god

we've talked about her Jordanian half in awful ways. And you wanted to post a turd of hers. Well, that turd's crazy. She's grown up quick. Dude, Eli has never blasted a turd like Zeus's. You don't know. Dude, for sure. You don't know what he's doing.

I have that camera in there. In the bowl. Chuck Berry style. Yeah, I got a camera and't know what he's doing. I have that camera in there. In the bowl. Chuck Berry style. Yeah, I got a camera and his little squatty potty. It's funny when people are like, yeah, Chuck Berry doesn't get his due to racism. He doesn't remember it as the legend he truly was. The pioneer of rock and roll. It's like, yeah, let's talk about the other things that he was doing.

He loved watching people dump. He was on a hole patrol. You know what's crazy about that camera angle. He loved watching people dump. He was on a hole patrol. You know what's crazy about that camera angle? He liked watching them wipe. That's what's crazy. It was in the bowl. Yeah, so they squat on it and the camera is like due north. Looking straight up. So you see

the hole and then you see the beginning of the turd then you see the whole turd fall out of there. That's what he was into. So once the turd plops on the camera, how do you see the beginning of the turd, then you see the whole turd fall out of there. That's what he was into. Yeah, he liked watching that part. So once the turd plops on the camera, how do you see anything after that? You get one plop per go. I don't think it was, like, in the water.

I think it was, like... Above? Back up. Drone style? Like, under the rim. So, yeah, it's watching it come out. I thought it was beyond the rim. It was above the rim.

Oh, okay. There it is. Yep. Whoop. Street bomb. There it is. Yep. Whoop. Street ball. There it is. Yeah, what a nightmare. What a weird thing to be like,

man, I'm such a genius, I should probably relax after riding this killer riff. Yeah. After changing the game, I should probably watch somebody make and jack off to it. And it was, what is it,

at his club or restaurant? Yeah. I think he had a club, not a restaurant. No, he had a restaurant. It was all chili and milk. That's what he served. A berry burger. Yeah.

With some chili on it. The perfect crotch. You gotta make it to the bathroom. No shitting in the booth allowed. Look, the burger's $100, but if you dump, it's free. He pretends to be the blind bathroom attendant so he can be in there. They're tapping around. Don't mind me. Grab a mint, but please leave a dollar or two.

Ooh, out of toilet paper? That's all right. Let me use my bare hand. It's a living. It's a living. I wrote Johnny B. Goode in this very bathroom. Welcome to the bathroom. I'm your bathroom attendant, Larry.

Larry Berry. Look, none of the toilets work, but my mouth is open. There's Chuck Berry and then Buck Cherry. And it's like, unless Buck Cherry watched women take dumps, they should have the better reputation. Who's better? Which musical? You brought it back to Buck Cherry.

That's all I think about. I know. Is that why they were called Buck Cherry? I don't know. Because Chuck Berry? Probably, right? Holy shit, dude. This is what we've been doing. This is what it's all been leading towards. It's this moment.

This is the beginning of a new chapter in the pod. A new chapter of Lund. I thought of Buckcherry because Noma made that picture of us with Buckcherry on it. Oh, the on. When we got the pouches in. Dude, I love those pouches. You on the pouch?

I'll never tell. Check my mouth. You got like 14 of them in there. Whoops. You fall asleep with them in. You just replace your teeth with on pouches. Yeah, you got 32 in there. You got them in your gums. 28 if you're nasty.

Yeah, I'm missing a tooth. Are you? Yeah. What? I got one yanked. When? Years ago. 28 if you're nasty alright yeah I'm missing a tooth are you? yeah what? I got one yanked when? years ago probably

I was with Megan we were pretty new it was probably 2013 cause tomorrow today right now is me and Emily's 10 year anniversary

oh shit yeah June 18th nice condolences haters yeah so you and Megan have been together for 10 years too yeah we started hanging out June 18th. Nice. Condolences, haters. Yeah. So you and Megan have been together for 10 years, too. Yeah, we started hanging out, like, end of April 2012.

Well, I mean, that's when Emily and I got together. We were like, we got married June 18th. Yeah, but that wasn't 10 years ago. That was like six years ago. No, we got together in, like, May. Because the last dalliance I had with anyone beyond my wife was on my birthday May 4 2012 the 2012 2012 yeah the 12th of 20 uh-huh yeah so yeah we're both decade long decade strong but you know our relationship started before those

eventual marriages so You and me? Yeah. Oh, yeah, I married you before I married her. We were like sniffing. God country Nathan. We were sniffing each other tepidly, trepidatiously in 2008 when I first was around. And then 2009, I think we started shaking hands and slapping backs. And then 2010, it was on.

Yeah, because you were trying to be like the wild guy. And I was fucking 19 and you were like grooming me. I was showing you the ropes. I've come. I was like, hold this. Squeeze the tip.

This is working. This is good. And then it blasts. And then you get it in your own mouth. What happened to your tooth oh it went it just started going bad and I didn't have health insurance right so it got dr. Kev couldn't see it got worse and worse it's the worst pain you can ever have I think like beyond gout gout is like fun burin no gout is like super painful annoying god damn it this sucks tooth pain is like i how do i kill myself where i don't make a mess like i think i talked about

that on the patreon episode where it's like oh yeah i think after you dropped off i was like i got pretty dark i let out some demons oh no, no, really? I just said something about, like, ending it. You can't blow your head off, because then somebody's going to find it and be like, oh, cool, a mess to clean up. Yeah. But you also can't just disappear, because then people will be like,

what happened? Is he alive or dead? So you have to, like, I think Becker and I said, you have to do, like, a bunch of pills and then a bag around your head, so that it's, like... Yeah, do it the fun way.

Not painful to you and you look like yourself. You're not all bloated. You weren't torn apart by fucking wolves. Yeah. Uh... Well, that would be sick, dude. Wolf attack to death? Yeah, but again... You just walk into the wild with your pockets filled with meat? Yeah. And you're like, come at me,

you bitches. Yeah. Savage me. Sit, boy. Sit, ubu, sit. Good dog. Good dog. Good dog. And then just rip your dick off. Yeah, but then they might eat all of you or so much of you that you're not found, so that's tough. What about buffalo herd attack?

Are they going to really take you out? Probably. You're going to have to do a lot of the, you have to get in their way, right? No, no, no. I would just wear a buffalo skull on my head and then get on all fours and try and join them. And then they would fucking rape me to death. Jesus Christ. Get fucked in the ass to death by a buffalo.

That's the way, it's what he wanted. That's the way of the world. No. Yeah, so that tooth pain was really bad. And Heather Snow, rest in peace, Heather Snow. We're still looking for a killer. Her friend, she had a funny name like Tennille, I think. Oh, yeah.

And she is a dentist out in Evergreen. And so I went out there and she was like, yeah, we can do a root canal or an extraction and I was like which one's cheaper she was like I can yank it and I was like cool get it out of my fucking head cause I'm gonna kill everyone close to me if it doesn't go and then I had to go I think three times for it to actually get yanked

like she had to saw the shit out of it yank it like yeah it was a nightmare it took like three trips. She hooked me up and I had to pay like $400 instead of eight grand or whatever bullshit prices you can charge. I've never had a cavity. That's not true.

It's true. I've never had a cavity. I didn't have a cavity until I was like 18 and then they just started coming and coming. That's because you fell asleep with Skittles in your mouth. Well, in college, I was like, oh, I can go get Del Taco and Jack in the Box whenever I want, drink a soda, get wasted. Fuck yeah. I'll never brush my teeth again.

I'll just let them all turn to dust. All the big league chew I can handle. I'm not even playing ball anymore. There are no rules. Yeah. Yeah, my volleyball days are behind me, but my gum chewing days are just, just coming up. Well, yeah. And then Rick's not here to slap the gumballs out of my hand. Yeah. I definitely took advantage of being away from home and that girl 24 hour town. You should get my mom's name tattooed on you and I'll get your dad's name tattooed on me. Yeah, I said that

in the elevator. Yeah. Because there's a tattoo parlor in the hotel complex. There's also a cryo chamber. Oh yeah? There's a Marco's pizza, a tattoo parlor, and a cryo chamber in the hotel. This is just like sensory deprivation of like a cold tank.

Yeah, where they blast you with cold air and you like burn 800. Yeah, this is the Joe Rogan Experience Hotel. This is the Joe Rogan Experience Experience. By Wyndham. Yeah. Damn, I didn't know that. But yeah, the tattoo thing, yeah. If there was a BJJ parlor in here, he would just

move in. I'm gonna get Betsy over my heart because that's what you have. And I'm gonna get Rick on my dick because that's what he gave you. You have your dad's penis. Lund, we got the will. It's your mom. Hey, Lund, it's me, mom. It'll never not be funny to me. Yeah, for a mom to call their son by their last name. name the family name right it's like sharpie's mom hey sharpie it's me mom knock it off yeah settle down over there i can hear you but yeah your mom calls you she's like hey lun it's me uh i'm like oh good hey lun it's me rick's friend uh You know, Mom, you used to call me.

Anyway, your dad left a will behind. You didn't get the charger, but he left you his dick. And he says if you wear it as a necklace for five years, you're going to have the charger. God. Yeah, so every time you sneeze, you sneeze on your dad's dick. I can't cover it. I can't use the crook of my elbow. It gets covered.

It gets tangled in your beard. Oh, God. George Michael snapping at it. That's so gross. Oh, it's not. It's cool. It sucks. What do you want it?

We've been having fun this whole time. You can use it like a whistle. Oh, how can I blow it in the homestretch? Oh, yeah, that's too much. Well, it's just, I mean, come on. Don't you think that's pretty damn gross? We talked about Chuck Berry watching people's holes open. Yeah, that rules.

They're dying. It has nothing to do with my dad's dick, so that was right on. You never can tell. Yes, please. Old folks say. The meat shipping came in. It's all bad. The meat shibbit came in. It's all bad. It was left out in the sun.

Serve it up. I'll buy extra toilet paper and toilet cleaner. I'll eat it. I'll eat the cons. Hey, Chuck. So we did what you said. We put the cottage cheese in the glove box. It's been in there for a week.

What do we do with it now? What do we do? Make a million dollars. What do we do? Sell it for half off. Hey, it's ladies night here. Chuck Berry's Turn Parlor. Oh, God. Hey it's ladies night here Chuck Berry's Turn Parlor Oh god What a nightmare Hey ladies drink free ranch dressing

All night long You never can tell It was a teenage wedding And I taped her taking a dump That song does rule though Yeah He ripped and he roared He kicked ass

It was a teenage wedding And I've never been harder at all It was a teenage wedding and my restaurant catered it all. No, no, no, no, no. I've got a camera in the toilet and a secret to tell. God damn.

As the old folks say, Splash, splash, splash. It's 1.30am say splash splash splash it's 1.30am yep all of our friends right now are at the arcade in town yeah and uh

we're not there not yeah no this is the best it was a couple of sluts gave us a ride back to the hotel it uh is tough to have that yeah it was a couple of sluts gave us a ride back to the hotel it is tough to have that that third gear

when you're sober and we're just getting older like I used to want to be at all of the events the festival like

didn't that work no like as late as you could go like just no just the the fun of hanging out with a bunch of people

that either some of them you with a bunch of people. Some of them you see a bunch, and then others... You never want to see again. You only see at festivals or whatever. We've talked a lot about Hiker's Dick, but I grabbed his butt earlier, and his butt rules too. Just a little surprise back there for anybody who hooks up based on the legend of his dong. It's like, oh hey, hello, why don't you pay attention to these couple of sweet cheeks?

Yeah, too bad his face sucks. But here's the other thing. Yeah, he can barely talk. Once you get him nude, let the party begin. I'm Brett Hiker. And I'm on stage. Brother me. Hiker.

He did a pretty bold joke tonight, I'll tell you that. Oh, he blasted an N. Well, no, but... He N-blasted. He tiptoed. No, but the other thing about this situation is, like, we're on the road every weekend. So, like, the thrill chase of, like, oh, I gotta go out and live it all up and soak up every fucking

drop of it like Chuck Berry with his mouth in the toilet pipe I gotta slurp it all in he's in the basement and he undoes the plumbing so it just goes into his open mouth he's got a bib on that says num num

yeah it says kiss the chef. Yeah, like they go to flush the toilet and he's just in the bottom of the pipe going flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush. I don't want to be a flush, flush, flush, flush, flush. He's doing the sound effect of a flushing toilet. Toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet, toilet.

Flush, flush, flush, flush, flush, flush. Water refill. Meanwhile he's just like fucking harder than concrete he's doing blackface and he's already black I wonder if the piss did it for him too wasn't he one of those glass table guys? I would imagine

If he was doing the The undercover Stuff then I would think that he would Also go for it yeah with the The road hogs Or the groupies or the sex workers That he would encounter yeah Pay a pretty penny

Maybe he just let them do. Yeah. He'd pay a pretty penny. Maybe he just let them do it on him. He had fucking... Just people dumping on him. Yeah. Yeah. Probably. I can't remember. I definitely remember the...

The camera, the bathroom camera thing. Yeah. God. What a life. What a depraved bastard. You think it's bad? It's just intense That is a big ol' leap from

Happy Susu Rough sex he comes back to life his corpse just takes out of the ground as soon as you post that picture on the on the picture his hand reaches out of the ground. As soon as you post that picture on the on the picture. His hand reaches out

of the earth. Yeah. The earth starts shaking. Susu goes to use her little baby toilet. And it's just Chuck Berry's body but his head is hidden beneath the toilet.

What? I mean, that man is back. Alright, Susu. Just use the potty. Yeah. The rock and roll man is gonna eat my doo-doo. It's like, what?

Oh, boy. Kids say the darndest things. Don't they, Bill Cosby? Oh, you take a dump in the potty and then Chuck Berry eats it. Come on. Oh, man. He would have adopted her.

Just to eat her giant logs. He would have had some leftovers. That thing was massive. I have to post it. Emily be damned. No, it's... Let's have one, literally one boundary,

and have it be Sweet Suzu getting a break. She's God's perfect angel. I love her so much, and she's, like, pretty apathetic about me. Yeah. She likes me now. She calls me Hammy. Oh, yeah.

I did the half-hour swim lessons with her. Like, she loves me. It's actually worked out, this long con of being nice to her and giving her shit. Yeah. Yeah. We got to play it slow, like I did with Eli. I didn't want to grab him like a lot of people do with a shit. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you gotta play it slow, like I did with Eli. I didn't wanna grab him like a lot of people do with a kid.

Like, oh, come here. And then they scream their head off. Yeah. And it's like, oh, well, gotta love me. We're related. And it's like, he doesn't care. He knows three people.

Right. That he sees every day. Mm-hmm. And that's all he knows. And everybody else is a goddamn stranger. Yeah. So, yeah, I, like, kept a little distance from him on his first little distance from him you were nagging your nephew

yeah I was like this kid sucks nice wake me up when you can like actually talk as a way to crawl stupid but no then when I saw him last year yeah last year it was crazy because he could talk.

He was like, what's up, Nate? Nice necklace. Yeah, we shook hands. Is that Grandpa's necklace? Cool dick necklace. Yeah. Is that Rick? I got one of those. Grandpa Rick? Yeah, I got a little taste. Hey, let me see this thing. Look at my hog. Hey, Lund, eat my meat.

He calls you Lund. Yeah, he's not a Lund. He's not a Lund. He's a Nyx. He's a Nyx. Yeah, it sucks. Lund name, dead. He's taller than me.

Dead at 42. Fingers crossed. Yeah. I'm 40 next month. Yeah, what are we going to do? You said I could open for you up in Basalt? Oh, yeah, with Cool Ethan. Did you look into that?

Am I going to do it? It's on your birthday, right? You said I think it's the 22nd. My birthday's the 23rd. Yeah, yeah. July 23rd, 1963. Yeah. Yeah, we'll figure that out.

Anyway. Anyway. You're not coming to my graduation party. That's cool. Yeah Yeah we'll figure that out Anyway You're not coming to my graduation party That's cool No I'm gonna honor the commitment that I made to Zach Moss To do this festival the right way Not to dip out early So that you can get blackout in your backyard I did my fucking show tonight dude

So that you can throw fruit on the roof And smoke cigs in the house I'm gonna throw Noah on the roof Just be a And smoke cigs in the house. I'm going to throw Noah on the roof. Just be a terror. I hope Noah comes up and we give him some pussay. Whoa. Hey, Noah,

you want some of this sweet pussay? That'd be cool. For my wife's sixth anniversary present, I'm going to give her Noah. Yeah, I'm sure that's what she's dying for. She's like, Noah? And She's like, uh, Noah?

And he's like, no, but the frog's here. Really, really, really. He's hopping around. He hops into her vagina. She gives birth to him. Damn. Yeah. All right.

Yep. She gets Noah. I get Alec Flynn. Not fair. Pretty good deal. Yeah. She wants Flynn. No one wants Flynn. Not fair. Pretty good deal. Yeah. She wants Flynn. No one wants Flynn.

He's a piece. Yeah, a fucking piece of caramel that melts in your mouth but not in your hand. Classic time. Yeah, he's cool. Except he's kind of short. That's like the one thing that he doesn't have. Thank God he's short. Yeah, thank God he's not 6'2".

Yeah, 6'2". Chiseled. He's probably chiseled. I saw him shirtless. It's good. That's what I'm saying. We went to the beach together. He's got everythingiseled. I saw him shirtless. It's good. That's what I'm saying. We went to the beach together. He's got everything except he's not chiseled. He took his shirt off and I was like, oh, I gotta go

in the water. Whoa. I gotta get in the water. People go to piss in the water. I went there to jizz. Crab. Crab ate it. The river takes you again, but you're jizzing. Help. But not right now.

Yeah, hold on. Give me a minute. Help in ten seconds. Before you help me. Your hard dick gets scraped along the bottom of the river. I heard a rumor that before you got here, someone might have treated themselves in your bed. No way. Someone might have.

No, it was tucked. It looked... Someone might have laid on top of the. No way. Someone might have. No, it was tucked. It looked... Someone might have laid on top of the sheets and then flipped the pillows over. That doesn't matter. Alright, cool. They weren't underneath. It was Bukley. I'll be under.

Bukley came in here and... Blasted? Fingered herself. Damn. Fingering sucks. What were you doing? Huh? What were you up to?

Counting money. I was like, you got 20 minutes, bitch. Why were you doing? Huh? What were you up to? Counting money. I was like, you got 20 minutes, bitch. Why did you need this room? Because Elise was in there telling her story. Yeah, and she'd rather jack it with you in the room than Elise.

Okay. Well, good on her. I'm going to jack in here. Your honor. While you sleep. Are you? I'm leaving early tomorrow. I'm going to jack in here while you sleep. I'm leaving early tomorrow. And guess who's coming in? Nobody. No one. Nobody's allowed. I'm literally tapping out for someone.

Bori's coming in. Oh, shit. Like 9.45, Bori's coming. He's going to go right to bed. I'm going to go to your fucking graduation party. Come to the grad party. Sneak me on the plane. I can.

I have that power. Yo, plus one. Yeah, so Bori's going to come in and be sawing dogs. God damn it. When he snores, it sounds like a dog fight. Yeah, I used to describe it as four pugs playing with each other, I think. And then he stops, and you're like,

thank God. Oh shit, please start breathing again. Oh good, he's dead. Thank God he's died. Because at least I can sleep for a little bit before I call 911. We're going to miss you at the party tomorrow, though. Yeah, maybe I'll FaceTime in.

Eh. From the road. Byron's flying in. No, he's not. Yeah, he is. Max Beasley's flying in. No, he's not. Andrew Polk's flying in.

Really? Yes, dude. It's a fucking ripper. It's a legendary party. Because you barely got a fucking degree of little consequence? I got a big deal degree. I honored my mother's memory, just like you did with that necklace your dad gave you. My mom said when I told her that I got married, she was all upset at something.

It was like, the worst thing I ever did was let you go off to college. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's all you wanted. She really flipped the script. She was all fucked up because Fox News told her that college makes you gay and

trans and a communist or whatever bullshit. Well, two out of three. She just swallows whole. Like, mmm. What is this, Chuck Berry night? These lies taste really good but yeah she literally said that after I told her hey Megan and I got married isn't that fun

I can't believe I let you go off to college to be perverted and groomed what are you talking about you couldn't be less groomed yeah I grew my hair out and groomed. Fuck off. What are you talking about? You couldn't be less groomed. What a psycho. Yeah, I grew my hair out. She thinks that was when I started questioning

religion. It's like, no, I did that when I was in high school and hearing all of the bullshit not make any sense. I had a brain in my head and I'd ask questions and I'd be like, well, we don't really think about it that much we just kind of accept it and pray on it doesn't shut up we go with the flow oh cool and uh how

many people in the congregation did you bang while you were married you hypocrite who your mom no just people in the church some of the leaders got in trouble for random shit one guy was like i like porn and i was like yeah no shit who. And I was like, yeah, no shit. Who cares? He was like, well, but you're not supposed to. Oh, okay. Well, stay away from Hustler, but, like, God's got to be cool with Playboy.

Yeah. God reads Maxim for sure. Hello, the Hot 100 called, and it said, fuck you, God, you old bitch. It's like, look, you made Stacey Keebler, God. Yeah, Carmen Electra dumped him out, practically. Yeah, you're not going to whack off your creation, the majesty of your imagination, God?

Shake her hand. Yeah. Hey, Carmen. Hell of... Top food stuff. You said that to somebody earlier today. I did. Hell of a pleasure to see you.

Hey. Hey. Hey, Trish Stratus. Robert Abbott. Hell of a pleasure to meet you. Yeah, you stole that straight from dog food's mouth. Yeah. It's like that slipper he was chewing on.

God, what happened to dog food? He's good. He got super bodybuilder chiseled. He was eating 10,000 calories a day and working out a ton. Chris piercing his ears. I remember dog food. So for the listener, there was a comic named Robert Abbott. Dog food.

And I started a rumor that he fucked a can of dog food. Wet dog food. Wet, of course. Yeah. Dry would be insane. A can of dry food. Wet dog food. Wet, of course. Yeah. Dry would be insane. A can of dry food. Yeah. Interesting.

They don't do that. Are we Australian? Everything's upside down. So yeah, he fucked a can. Chuck Berry liked going down to Australia because the turds would fall counterclockwise. Whoa. I keep wanting him to sing Chantilly Lace.

I do too. I've almost said Chantilly Lace like ten times, but it wasn't him. Chantilly Lace with a pretty face and your poppy butt. Way down. You gotta wiggle in your turd. Let me speak my words. You make the toilet brown, brown, brown. Ain't nothing in the world like a big hole girl.

Make my breath smell funny. Make my water muddy. The stool's real loose. Like the poop of a goose. Ooh, baby, I don't want a wife.