Chubby Behemoth - Hotdog With Ice Cream

Episode Date: January 28, 2021

Give Me One Shot. Suicide Squeeze. Tuesday Morning Wink.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

it's fun to be back in here hell yeah i had a fucking awful lunch that i thought was gonna be the coolest thing ever and god did i fucking blow it i pulled a real boner okay let me walk you through it and dewy sausage took it out of the casing okay some onion and garlic in the pan pretty good right great foundation so far. Yeah. We're having fun. Okay, what did I do then? Made pancake batter.

All right? So now we've got flour, we've got milk, we've got eggs, and some blueberries, of course. And what did I do? I combined the whole mess and made two giant pancakes that I then topped off with hot chili oil mixed with agave nectar, mixed with peanut butter, mixed with old coffee. And I ate all of that about 30 minutes ago. And boy, do I feel bad. I thought it'd be fun.

I thought a savory pancake would be good. You put the sausage and the onion in the batter. Now you're dancing, you know? I was so wrong. And I topped it off with just, like, you know, gutter scrapings. Bunch of leaves. It was nuts. So you're saying it didn't taste good or it makes it made your

stomach hurt no so the actual pancake was surprisingly fun all right you got slavery you got sweet but then for some reason i topped it off with uh four condiments who should never hang out unless it's like a meeting of the un and they're in the cafeteria i don't know why you introduce agave. Agave and peanut butter. Sure, that's fun. All right, they get along. Now introduce some hot chili oil.

Okay, that's pretty insane, but it might be okay. But the coffee. I needed to thin it out, and I added coffee, and fuck my big old ass. It was hellish. That's what it's going to do is fuck your big old ass to oblivion. is this ass is strong too man it's nice and tight oh feeling it slapping it just fucking was you know woke up and punished some iron and then ate some bad pancakes and now here i am what have you have you been cucking you two digitally you wish yeah i do uh

give me one shot man you're gonna be down here you're gonna be down here and i'm gonna shoot on your ass and i'm gonna control you for as long as i want yeah man i want you to dominate me i'm gonna make you sign i'm gonna make you sign your life over to me you're gonna get my book right make you sign some documents against your will sign that now initial there the date is the date is 2 5 21 put it down i'm gonna notarize your little fucking cookie cutter that'd be nuts man if you held me down and slipped it in me that'd be an insane turn of events if i haven't seen you in person in like six weeks and the first thing you do is you put me in a double leg take me down rip my sweatpants off and just shove when uh when i was in like seventh and eighth grade oh no we would uh no no this is a fun one okay nothing traumatic we uh there were a few guys

that lived in my neighborhood and we would wrestle on on each other's lawns sometimes yeah and sometimes in the house but there was really only one house that we could wrestle on each other's lawns sometimes. Yeah. And sometimes in the house, but there was really only one house that we could wrestle in, and that was because the parents were never there. They were like the rough kids, the latchkey kids. But one of them was pretty good at wrestling, and he called it the Saturday night special where you get on top of somebody,

and then you wrap your legs around each of theirs and you're oh yeah you're fucked you are neutralized if if somebody gets that gets your your legs the proper way yeah because you can't brace up you there's i don't even know how you got out of it except for like trying to get a headbutt or an eye rake. I think he got out of it by naming 10 candy bars, typically. Yeah, fish hook. Crotch pinch. Crotch pinch, yeah. Shark bite.

Becker's go-to when he's in line at the coffee shop. That's how they teach you to get out of that, traditional jiu-jitsu. Okay. Pinching is a move in traditional jiu-jitsu. Dude, I have scars because fish hooking is legal in traditional jiu-jitsu. Oh, my God. So, Lund, a bigger boy put you in the Saturday night special, and what, you came or something?

No, I just thought about getting you in there, making those long legs just completely neutralized. I wonder if your legs are long enough because you're kind of shaped like that bear in the movie Ted. You're pretty much Ted torsoed. Improportional. And you're Harry

from Harry and the Hendersons, which I'm rocking right now. Oh, nice, man. Look at that. Got that in humble. I think maybe the first, second Savage Henry that I went to. Didn't they pay us in Harry and the Henderson t-shirts? It's supposed to be. They were like, oh, yeah.

It was like a zigzag company up there, something like Rolling Papers. But there's no name on the front or back. There's no branding. Yeah, classic move from a humboldt county company yeah we got this cool monster that'll do they got the screen friend of harry and then they forgot to to get the letters on there the stencils so now you just have a mystery shirt for a movie that came out in 1986 i was thinking about how when we we would stay at dr fox meets compound and that's a real person becker that's right real doctor you know when i used to wear overalls becker yeah now imagine if i had twin long red pigtails a big red beard and a bandana on that's what this man looks like we're kind of like my first cousin

wow yeah same glasses smell just just a you and willie nelson kind of mashup that's it bingo very good becker yeah great man uh he just he has that odor of a guy who uh you know eats dirt yep yeah i he had a few people sleep over there and I took a spot under a pinball machine. Cause I didn't want to get my head stepped on. I didn't want somebody to, to stumble over me in the night and just crush me. I didn't want Sam to fall on my head.

Basically. It was nice to be safe and like out of the way of any, any walking paths that somebody could use. Oh, man. I love that we live lives where we're staying in a man named Dr. Foxmeat's house, and the only place he feels safe enough to sleep is under the pinball machine. Oh, yeah. It was hilarious.

I like that Dr. Foxmeat lives a life where he can afford pinball machines. Oh, Foxmeat has it made, dude. Damn. Yeah. He's the king. I love that guy. I think he made his money off of, you know, he lives in Humboldt County. He looks like Willie Nelson. I think he's a CPA or something.

Doctor of accounting. Yeah, I think he ran a, you know, a kid's rec center, I assume. Kids rec center, I assume. Some of the best times up there. Named Willa, remember? Young Willa who would be around. Yeah, she's very pretty. Very pretty.

And she often had like a mouse in her pocket or like, you know, a bird in her locket around her neck or something. They had rats and I had never met had never uh met a rat before and i got a little peanut butter on my finger and they have the little gripping hands it was hilarious it was like a little kid coming up and eating some peanut butter off of your finger yeah you took your shirt off and breastfed it i don't like rats i don't like ferrets i don't like shrew i don't want any that shit crawling all over me and lund of course laid down and putting olive in his belly button and said surf's up have some day rats are cool because they don't smell like ferrets ferrets have that very specific odor correct yeah maybe that was the smell at fox means house he didn't have ferrets he had something there was something in the walls. Well, he had ferrets that he fed to his alligator.

Whoa. No, I'm just kidding. Oh, man. We got fucked up over there, too. There's so much partying during Savage Henry. Shout out to Savage Henry, Chris Durant. Lots of fun. I traveled back in time in Humboldt County, thanks to some pretty good acid.

Sam froze. I couldn't tell if he was trying to leave you lying. He was trying to no-sell my ass. Yeah, I was like, Nathan's not saying anything controversial. Why is Sam doing that? Yeah, he's just laying out. Just frozen as fuck. What a fucking idiot.

Two for two oh hey look who is back in the 21st century old tesla himself i'm on my hot spot now my personal phone hot spot that's how dedicated i am to you guys to fill in this time because emily's on a my internet is gone she's upstairs talking to our financial advisor about you know buying silver or whatever the fuck he's into god damn it yeah my entire my entire network's just missing now it's not even i can't even find it anymore the rebooting over i don't know neither of us of course made a move to go actually look at the router, but it's a real Cold War situation.

That's typically where you would start. So what did you guys talk about while I was gone? I'm going to cut most of it. Made fun of your dumb ass for not having an internet capable of having two people doing stuff at the same time well look man it's a lot of bandwidth to run this household okay we can't we shouldn't be having two zoom calls someone didn't want to podcast last night at eight o'clock because they ate too many eggs quote end quote so now here we are. Hey, look who, yeah, and your hotspot's turning cold already.

It is. You Amish fuck. Oh my God. I'm, I'm going to take a look at something, guys. Fuck. It's freezing as it's warm. He's getting up in slow motion. He's doing the best robot ever.

Yeah. He's popping and locking. No. Are you back, Sam? I fixed everything, all right? No way. Lund is me, and I'm Lund. You're immediately lagging.

You just lagged. Oh, lag oh good cool it's unstable what'd you do look at the router and there was a green light on so you're like okay that's not the problem oh i unplugged it and plugged it back in i literally don't have any technical knowledge about anything all right i'm pretty much like a man just wandering around being beholden to all the sorcery going on around me i'm just fucking transfixed by conjurers like an old tin scrapper just walking around trying to fucking you know trade shoes it sucks i don't know anything at all and it's all by the grace of god that i exist and i'm able to do this so let's keep praying that I exist and I'm able to do this. So let's keep praying.

I'm Lund. Hey, everyone. What's up? Hey, I'm Lund. I'm pissed. Looks like it's working. You be me. So that's good. So I tried to have a hot dog with some ice cream on it and really combined some crazy flavor profiles and somehow it wasn't that good.

Sam T Nation. That's pretty good me. That's the best impression anyone's ever done of me. My back almost went out. Oh, good. Yeah. Becker fucking fractured his C4 vertebrae because of that great riff. Woo.

Woo. Good stuff. All right, so I'm not London anymore. I'm back. I'm happy. I'm okay. It's working. So, Emily, you probably sold all your gamestop stock

did you get it on amc or not no because you said how it was probably too late yeah no i don't know it went up it went up four times today yeah the robin hood said i had you know take four or five days to transfer money and then i thought well that might be too late well yeah you can't pay with a target gift card on robin hood i have not i signed up for robin hood because zach moss said he could send me a stock that stock was some medical company called agenus and so i did not uh get stoked about that it was trading at like two dollars and it's like now at like $3.80. Well, hey, that's an extra. That's, you know, $4 for free, man.

You can't laugh at that. No, it went up like $0.90. I don't know what you're talking about, but... Well, you got it for free, right? So whatever it's worth, that's what you've made. Okay, yes. Think about that, you ape. This is why you can't trade stocks. Because you can't figure out simple math.

Well, I guess if the stock's worth $2.80 and I bought it for $2, I lost $0.80? Uh-oh, better call my mom. So you want to tell the people what happened that haven't on the Patreon? No. Okay. They need to find out. Yeah, if you want to know what happened, man, get on that Patreon because Lund had one of the most insane stories I've ever heard revealed to us last week.

A little slice of life, a little perfect, you know, Avogadro's number was in that Days Inn in Colorado Springs for sure. Yeah, it was like memento. Maynard's perfect circle was playing was playing i was there was a golden ratio oh good now becker's gone i'm just gonna rip my laptop in half and eat it i'm gonna cover it in soy sauce and whipped cream call it dinner oh yeah so i looked up my uh computer to see where i was at because i was going to try and upgrade the operating system because Google Chrome gave me a message

that said I won't be able to update Google Chrome with what I got. And this thing is from 2008, so still holding on. I don't know for how much longer. So you know what? Now you can write off whatever you do if you buy a new computer because you just talked about it

on the pod. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah, we just had Lund's Tech Corner, and now it's all a write-off. Give me the El Capitan, baby. Yeah, like for instance, this Kroger brand creamy gluten-free peanut butter, it's pretty good. There's $0.35 back in my pocket. You tried to talk about it earlier.

You showed it to the camera earlier and i was like oh sam's got some hot riff on peanut butter no you're just that's what the financial advisor tells you guys like all right just talk about anything and everything that's in your house write it off it's refrigerator it's pretty cold nice let's check with yeah let's check in with that fridge gordy he's pretty cute put him down write it off yeah man oof so didn't you have to get the uh the dog killing medicine at the pharmacy no oh i thought you had to go get that oh you have to buy it no i thought you did i thought you had to go buy phenobarbital or whatever it was at the pharmacy like they wrote you a script no she was on phenobarbital tried to kill her when we first got her and we switched off of that that's like the most popular anti-seizure med but there's a

very small chance that it can kill you and it tried to kill mama and then Dr. Kev said not on my watch I'm bringing this bitch back to the earth and so he saved her life he's just been slowly poisoning her for two years now yeah I give her one

raisin every day yeah and then my prescription Raisin every day. Yeah. My prescription, you just got to play Chicago every night at sundown, man. Put on a little Saturdays in the park. That'll take the spoon out of her mouth, brother. So, yeah, she's been on a different med, and then we had to get her potassium bromide which is not a dog killing compound okay i thought they gave you the suicide pill and i was thinking we could

pull a couple pranks with it oh where maybe we put a boner pill and a suicide pill into a bag and shake it up and then we reach a hand in without looking yeah the suicide squeeze because if i if i die you gotta squeeze me off when i'm dead all right am i hard or am i dead that'd be a fun thing like your final wishes you know you have to honor them because you're my best friend and it's i want you to suck my dead dick it's like if you don't do it you're not my buddy if you're letting me you're letting down my memory if you don't do it you're not my buddy if you're letting me you're letting down my memory if you don't do it my ghost is gonna haunt you if you leave me some money you can uh have any provisions you want and i will follow them look man once i'm dead my holes are up for grabs

i don't care just leave my body in a frat house and let them decorate me like a christmas tree i don't give a shit i'll dress up up like Aykroyd, his leather daddy, and I'll put a shirt on you that says college on it, and I'll go to town. Yeah, just put a shirt on me that says free smells. Leave me. Leave me on the crosshouse. Yeah, man, yesterday, I'm sorry we couldn't pot.

I had to do Alec Flynn's podcast for two hours. Yeah, they're going to have to chop that up into several chapters. Yeah, exactly. What he actually got, he got 130 different TikToks off me, so that'll be good. Whoa, home improvement up in the house. Yeah, that was a big one, and I tried to cover the mic to help with the less reverberations yeah and it peeled all the skin off the back of your hand like you were at chernobyl trying to hold the rods in place that was a big boy so brian flynn has a podcast called the revisionists and you were okay that's fun no. I was on Alec Flynn's podcast called Transplant. Oh, okay.

Not your friend, Brian Flynn. I told Alec he should call the podcast Transman. It can be about his transition. And he was like, oh, dude, absolutely mental idea. What a ledge plan, bro. It sucks. I didn't think that kid would be very smart because he's handsome. He's like a beautiful young man.

Then he's like smart and well read. I just wanted to fucking put him in a pillowcase and throw him in the river. Yeah, you were going to try to give him a suicide pill via your conversation. Yeah, I was going to black pill him to death. You know, your looks are going to fade. You're never going to get taller. Then what are you going to do, huh? Go out and start slamming your dick in car doors to feel something he so he's good looking well read smart funny and i have heard from kobos and steve vanderpoel that he's like a hockey

all-star like one of the best in their league maybe the best in their league by a by quite a bit and then he's better than anybody on their chuckle puckers team by 10 miles well yeah they got two indian kids on that team that's not hard but they all been a bunch of indian hockey stars you know they've all played though and he is just like he's gretzky out there yeah it's not hard like i mean it's just you got to compare it to the rest of the team. He looks like Sidney Crosby, and the rest of them look like David Crosby out there. Yeah, exactly.

He was sitting here with me in my home, and I'm just looking at him, and I'm like, good God, what a beautiful young man. I had to kick him out. You had him drive up because your internet connection is bad. I understand. Yeah, exactly. I tried to do through uh two tin cans on a wire but uh birds kept landing on it and sounded like it was reverb no he was like i'll come up there bro we'll be ledge together man let's get abso i was like i don't know what any of these words mean but sure he abbreviates

them all so he can save time yeah exactly so more time to sit ups more time to get laid yeah more time to fucking dig it in smash it around i'd let him he wouldn't even have to put me in the saturday night special he could just put me on the tuesday morning wink so you had to talk about moving from denver to fort collins and how it changed your life? Yeah, exactly. No, I talked about how you leaving Denver was the best thing that ever happened to me. No, I talked about living in Ithaca and in Las Vegas.

Oh, okay. Yeah. So this is a historical podcast. Yeah, exactly. It's my chronology as an artist. You know, what's funny is, God, when I was talking with, I hit up Oliver Howard, old Ollie, to see if he had an audio file of when Brian Cook did competitive erotic fan fiction at the Deer Pile as a potential thing for our patrons.

And when we were talking, he was like, hey, man, I meant to ask you because I was going to start a podcast about people who have moved somewhere else because it's really kind of an untapped market. And he was going to have me co-host, i told him no thank you yeah of course um pass but i'm gonna do something alec flynn never does in roller hockey and i'm gonna pass on that but uh it's hilarious that that's alec flynn's podcast it's exactly what oliver says is this like secret corner of podcasting that nobody's touched yet.

This virgin territory. Yeah, God. I mean, I like Ollie, man, but stay behind the camera, brother. That's all I'm saying. What? What I'm saying, not everyone's an entertainer, you know? Oh, I was like, what are you fucking talking about? Oh, you thought I was shaming him?

I mean, I thought you were saying that he was not an attractor. He's no Alec Flynn. No, no one's an Alec Flynn. Ollie's lovely. Ollie's got it. I'd let him put me in the Wednesday night cradle, whatever it is. Look, here's the offer. If you can get me down, go ahead.

Treat me like a little rodeo barrel okay you're not gonna get you're not gonna get up no yeah hop in hide from the bull all right shoot the gun in the clown's mouth i don't care i have to do stand-up tonight where i'm hosting a show at the comedy fort whoa is it the opening now i'm talking now i like that i'm glad you did it into the mic it's a cold open no i mean uh there it's a benefit for this some guy who had a heart attack up here some guy named doug oh yeah coco beware and Yeah, I saw that. That sucks. I heard Bandy might be dumping him, so I was like, I'm in. Whatever I got to do, I'll be the door guy.

I don't care. I said, I think I literally told David, you can treat me like a manhole cover, take my lid off, and put trash inside. I don't care. Yeah, so I'm going to host a show. I think Tobler's headlining, you know? Oh, yeah, good call. Yeah, because he's never quit doing stand-up during this entire time.

Yeah, him and Derek Stroop are both well-oiled machines. Yeah, Stroop's never been funnier. That's good. They've taken all the gigs that most of us have declined. I love Stroop. Stroop's the man. He's very funny. But I wish he would have taken at least one weekendop's the man. He's very funny, but I wish he would have taken

at least one weekend off during this pandemic. That's all. Because, you know, his girlfriend's only 14. We don't know how this messes up kids. He thinks that they both got it at the beginning of the year

because the last show that I did or the last show before everything got put on pause, I did with him and hippie man at the South club, South comedy works. And he talked about how he was pretty sure that he had had it. Cause he was very sick. And so was his gal and Alyssa. Couldn't think of her name,

but I forgot that Stroop was doing all those gigs in red China last November. his gal and Alyssa. Couldn't think of her name, but I forgot that Stroop was doing all those gigs in red China last November. So it makes sense that he would have got it. Well, I know a lot of, a lot of people definitely have said that that was like the cool thing that you could say that you could put out there to, to sound interesting,

but I think you were a virus hipster. Yes. Oh yeah. I, I threw up for three weeks straight and my head fell off so i i'm i'm fine you're kind of the you're the odd man out right now lon you haven't had it you still got your little sweet cherry i haven't had it uh i don't think i'm able to get it i'm one of those i'm not a hipster i'm'm better than everyone else. Stronger,

better stock, better blood running through my veins that prevents me from succumbing to most mortal illnesses. Yeah, your blood's too thick to be penetrated by viruses. I have a bunch of other stuff in here already.

There's no vacancy. You've got honey mustard and sorghum. There's no room at the end for anything else uh becker had it man we're stronger than ever i don't understand oh yeah becker's still in trouble becker's had several strokes he grew an extra dick i i i am wondering if uh there's got to be a way that you sam got it from somebody else because becker and i drove up and back together he laughed in my face unmasked he was telling a story neither of us had our masks on because we're friends we had been kissing and sharing a cigarette and then he laughed in my face because you told him one of my stories? No, because he was telling me about a time when Zach Moss was laughing at Becker's misfortune.

And so he laughed real hard directly at me. And I don't know. So I don't know how I wouldn't have gotten it. But you did. Because we were just in the same room. So I think you're a very fragile little flower. No no sam and i saw each other one more time that week we did we hung out in that hotel room with those dog punchers but nobody else nobody else got it and you guys were all hanging out for what you know inside outside around the corner down on the corner out here in the street yeah i don't know i don't know i my family thinks it's because i had arby's twice on the drive to la that's the big joke in the family now

is that uh because i did eat i had you know arby's breakfast in the desert that's yeah you were like that's where you got it for sure because becker didn't give it to bori and bori and becker were pretty much doing the ventriloquist act together you know yeah yeah becker was in bori's pouch for an hour and a half in that hotel room yeah so i don't know what happened man but uh i know that i can never get it again, nor can I get any other disease ever. I'm doing whatever I want now. I'm walking up to old people, making them flinch.

It's good. I pants, the mailman today. Put your flag up special delivery. Now you're not going to get a disease from me, but you're going to get an envelope full of ricin. Oh, man, that'd be cool, man. I'd love to be assassinated.

That's the only brave way to go, man. Any other way I go, it's going to be my fault, and people are going to be like, you know, told me I shouldn't have eaten all those light bulbs or whatever it is. Yeah, but if i get assassinated due to political reasons now we're talking yeah that'd be cool my mom couldn't cry at my funeral emily would be proud of me and you would get to uh you know blow a political prisoner after he's dead as is in my will if you want the 35 dollars if you want if you want what's in the mystery box then you got to pump out some last rights

oh yeah i was curious uh about you and your mom hitting the road together because she shared a facebook memory about it what was what was? Did she come with you for a weekend? Yeah, man. So my mom used to work for the Federal Reserve and she'd go to the Kansas City Fed all the time, which was her favorite Fed besides the Oklahoma City Fed, which is, oh, that's tough competition. That's a tough field.

And so she was out there already working, and I had to work at Stanford & Sons. Stanford & Sons, that awful club, like the worst club. It's a punchline that everyone talks about. Yeah, I never got in there, but I was supposed to. Well, you're fucking lucky. I featured for AJ Finney. Yeah.

And Wednesday night was all-you-can-drink beer night, and that was the night that I headlined, because the feature headlined wednesday that kind of thing sure that was the first show my mom ever saw me do on the road was me headlining all you can drink beer night on a wednesday at stanford and sons in a mall in overland park kansas and afterward she was like oh my god honey is this what is this how it always is? And I had to be like, no, Mom, it's not like this all the time. And we hung out. We stayed in the same hotel room.

I took a lot of long showers. And we just walked around the pedestrian mall. Well, you know, Becker, if you're in the hotel, you got to clog the sink. Typically, yeah. Typically, you get horned up sharing a room with your mom. No, no, but there's just a lot of ritual to being a comedian. Gotcha. You know?

No, it had nothing to do with my mom. It was probably in spite of my mom. I was probably trying to prove it to myself. You can't be stopped. You're the man. Get in there. Fill that tiny shampoo bottle with your seed. That's the tradition is filling up the travel conditioner with your cum.

Yeah. Feeling like you put one over on the next schlub that stays in that room. Exactly. But yeah, man, we hung out all day every day. And we just went and saw movies and got lunch at like Chili's and like, you know, California pizza kitchen. And then I got a driver out to Oklahoma Joe's in the gas station somewhere in Kansas to get the best barbecue in the United States, according to Bourdain. And it was just, it was a lot of fun, you know?

Yeah. I got to do it with her me and AJ when we were in Kansas City and we watched Joker we get we went to Oklahoma Joe's twice they uh there's a couple different locations now so we didn't have to go to the original gas station we were out in the suburbs and oh my god it's so good it's very good the burnt ends yep uh it's so good. It's very good. The burnt ends. It's the only thing Aaron Yerush has ever eaten in my presence and been like, this is good. You were right. This food is good.

Wow. Dick. Fucking snobby food hog. He's an ordained Bourdain acolyte. Yeah, man. He's annoying when it comes to food

yeah but you're wrong about that detroit pizza that blue pan pizza is really good yeah it's cool it's also 40 it's really good go to fucking little caesars get blackjack you can get eight blackjack pizzas for 40 yeah but that's not the point. What's the point? Being better than everyone? Eating alone in an ivory castle? And then it collapsing because you're a Urist? Should have made it out of marble. The price, yeah, is annoying, but it's really good. It's special.

So you eat it now and then, and it's tasty. Little Caesars has a Detroit style now. Yes, it's good so you eat it now and then and it's tasty little caesars has a detroit style now yes and i'm good you don't know you haven't had it yet i have to had it yes i have but they have it in detroit all the time it just came out no they do like it's a it's a year-round thing in detroit it's been there for years and emily and i've had it up there because that's where she's from well we can't all be like you and your white wife who only live in colorado and you know we never go anywhere no i'm just saying that my wife is multicultural she's from uh she's from detroit yeah from two white people in detroit allegedly we don't know

yeah i've never got the genealogy done quite white uh well no i guess her mom is white and her dad was a car yeah exactly that's detroit baby yeah well see her last name is room v-r-o-o-m so they had to change that when they got to ellis island uh no her grandma's like a scottish i don't know they always claim they're from gypsies. She's like Romanian. And I think they just think that Romani means Romanian because they're all a bunch of Detroit pig fuckers. So she's in the house right now. I'm waiting to get hell rained down upon.

Well, yeah, when I saw that post from your mom and I thought of the two of you out there together, it reminded me of a time when I was like brand new to comedy. And I had this like CD that I gave out to like 15 people for some fucking reason. Was it Harlan Williams' first album? No, it was me. Oh, I thought you burnt copies. A couple of my it was me. Oh, I thought you burnt copies of Cat Williams live. A couple of my buddies recorded me in the Stu James and the Stu Jacob.

And we were at James' house. And we just recorded me in the house with a few of the jokes I had written. And the two of them had this little ditty that they had come up with on, with an acoustic guitar. And it was just like them vocalizing and they put that behind it. And I was like, Oh, maybe some people will look me up. I think I put my,

my space on there or whatever. And so my mom, I didn't want her to come to an open mic and have to endure any of that. And so I, I played it for her, like in our, in her car, my car.

And it was just like four minutes and it was awful, obviously, but like she was curious. And I just remember when it was over, she just went, Oh, Nathan, it was, it was awful. I was like, Oh, good. That's the response I was looking for. I don't know what I expected. I was trying to be, it's like edgy fucking guy and I was at it. So i was bad at it yeah it was probably when you were in your like period of jokes like what if the moon raped the sun that'd be crazy right yeah just yeah very dumb stuff i don't even remember what would have been on there but it was what if the pope's hat

was a beer helmet that'd be crazy that was i think the album was called that'd be crazy right i i don't oh i i i think i called it at your service oh my god at your service not at your cervix no i wasn't that good yet damn you're right that is like after six months good it was just called butt stuff i don't know but my mom always loved my stand-up she never really enjoyed the content she'd be like that's too dirty but uh it wasn't even like she was grossed out it was just more like it was kind of hacky like you know she's. She's like, Garrison Keillor never works blue. David Sedaris doesn't swear in any of his books.

Will Smith doesn't have to cuss in his records. Yeah, exactly. Catherine O'Hara has never said a swear word ever in her life. But yeah, it was fun. And my mom, you know, she's a big cocktailer, especially after her stroke. Now she just wakes up and has a glass of kalua over the sink with her shirt off um so she's just looking outside watching the raindrops fall but uh no so every day like five o'clock she'd be like cocktails we find a happy hour place and

she'd just start slamming greyhounds by the time time we got to the show, she'd be trying to score dime bags off the comics. There was that comic there named Grasshopper. Remember him? In Kansas City? Yeah. No, I don't think I have a pleasure. He was Asian. His name was like Grasshopper or like Mantis.

I can't remember. Cricket Boy? Yeah. So anyway, I remember Mantis after a show was like, man, you were funny. Do you want to get high? My. So anyway, I remember Mantis after a show was like, man, you were funny. Do you want to get high? My mom was like, sure. So me and Mantis or Grasshopper and my mom all smoked a joint in his car.

Then I had to like, I had another show to do. My mom was like, I need to go home. And I was like, yes, you do. You got to get the fuck out of here. So I had to run my mom back to the hotel and then get back just in time for the show. My mom's had a history of getting too high to be in public yeah that's when i was 18 she rolled a joint and with me and my buddy crusty and bonzo and then she lit it up she's amazing joint roller she can do with one hand faster than i can say the abc she can break up weed and roll a joint yeah you always had a tough time with the middle

well I get ABC I get D and then G but M is where I get M is where it gets me and then what's 12 doing in there? yeah you just start doing numbers and state capitals yeah

Jefferson City we both went for the two most obscure you just start doing numbers and state capitals yeah uh jefferson city we both went for the two most obscure state we went for it i like it yeah that's good i didn't want to say denver come on no yeah something good yeah sacramento's yeah that's that's that's a hipster's choice yeah for sure frank you think'm going to be stoked on that? Fuck off. My grandpa's from Jeff City. But yeah, she got all high, and then she was like, I'm going to go see a movie. Then she just like almost walked into traffic,

and I had to pull her off the curb. It was right at 13th and right by where Baker lives. It was at 13th and Corona. And she was like, all right, I'm going to go to see a movie at the Mayan. Probably because she was going to meet up with you and hook up uh when he were the manager i was looking at everybody up you're gonna give her extra butter on the popcorn and yeah and then she's like okay see you later and like walked into traffic and i had to grab her and pull her back and she was like whoopsie um and i just let her loose i should have hung out with her i always felt bad about that that day.

You had to do another show. No, not about the time in KC, about when I got high with her when I was like 18. I just let her loose on the city when she was like fucking boofy doofy blasted at like 11.30 in the morning. She was like, oh, a little. She knew what wake and bake was, and I was like, shut up.

What did you have to go do? Nothing. Probably play more Skate 1 and rip the six-foot plastic bong some more. That's the thing. Before your mom goes mental, you just take it all for granted, you know? And then all of a sudden she's throwing beckers and you don't know what to do yeah yeah well i'm glad that she was able to uh she she was able to recover quite a bit from that stroke because i know at first she did not she wasn't able to say or do much no, she could only say 14 words.

That's the only thing that stayed in there. Yeah, exactly. The doctor said it's the thing that she said the most in her life. So it was the 14 words and then all the lyrics to I'm a bitch. Meredith Brooks. Yeah. the 14 words and then all the lyrics to I'm a bitch. So today I had a zoom meeting, uh, before this with this production company in LA about the rights to my book. And they were like, uh, we're expecting this other guy to come in and as he's as they're like waiting for him to come to zoom meeting they're like and hey this guy he's the

manager of tool and he's looking to you know because no this motherfucker right in the middle of a good story yeah uh he's gonna he's gonna be furious yep the three feet fuck dude nice how much more fucking time do we have to do where are we at like two seconds that's the funniest part is that i want to hear this story what story there's no fucking story the internet no no no the tool that's potting the tool manager he started his own fucking podcast so now i'm just i'm third in line to get any fucking data in this goddamn house emily's up there emily's on joe rogan right now that's great not plugging my book dumping them out yeah she's fucking talking about jewels and gems talking mma

oh yeah her and brendan shob are gonna figure out what to do about callen uh fuck oh so i'm in this meeting hey the guy who's coming in the meeting manages tool oh you know because they can't tour anymore so now they gotta do so he has to figure out how to make money because they're all 60 and i was like yeah they're still 60 and still wearing leather cowboy hats fucking guy shows up shirtless wearing a leather cowboy hat that's the whole story that's what we've been waiting for the last 20 fucking minutes i hope you're all happy join the patreon subscribe so I don't family annihilate my fucking

wife and dog Wellington style. Like that brave hero in the Netflix documentary. Like that man we should all aspire to be. You're so helpless. I don't know how to do anything. Is that the staircase? Emily, no one's talking to you you don't have a patreon

you barely have a thousand followers on instagram i'm in charge her seo is bullshit she doesn't know anything what what do you want nothing i'm just what are you saying to me i'm loving it oh good oh the one time i ever get mad this is what you sound like all the time becker shut up yeah put a hat on you have my hat i have your your hat. Likely story. You do from the Cosby. I do have your hat. I'm sorry. You are Bill Cosby for Sticker Treat 2020. Yeah, well, we have a lot of common experience.

Yeah, you had that sitcom for nine years. We both went to Temple. All right, any more questions what do you got well we do need to wrap up and so we got to plug the patreon i want to wrap my head in plastic wrap until there's no holes left for air that's what i want to do well uh it is nice to see the other side of it oh uh i was you just reminded me that a week ago megan was trying to fill something out on her phone oh we had to when we had mama in the animal hospital she had to fill something out to see if we could qualify for you know know, whatever bullshit credit they had.

They're like, oh, you know, you qualify for a $300 loan that you can pay off in a year. And it's 36% interest. It was like, this is how is this helping at all? So she was getting frustrated. And I was at a certain point, I was like, oh, God, that's me all the time. Just constantly just pissed and wanting to throw something. It's constant though i'm usually pretty chill but i know you are usually chill you're much more chill now that you live in trinidad yeah well denver was starting to wear on me man there's so many well like i said everybody everybody there now is like hot with a tiny apartment and a huge dog and they walk that dog for like 10 minutes a day because they work or they commute. And so.

What's that have to do with you being mad? Oh, just those people. I just see those people constantly. Those types of people. They have a huge dog. Huge psychopath. You didn't get him, hear him get mad as he said it they have a huge dog and they don't walk it enough and so i know that that dog isn't happy that person isn't happy now i'm not happy we're all connected well you're not because your fucking internet sucks but

most of us are connected and can affect each other you just see a dog and you're not because your fucking internet sucks but most of us are connected and can affect each other you just see a dog and you're furious you're not happy i'm not happy no one's happy i know what's going on emmy get over here i know what's going on in that studio that dog is barking at everybody that goes by because they're not fulfilled that dog's barking at the gadsden flag you got hanging up in there oh yeah i don't know how much time we got out of this i'm sorry i was furious here's a little cameo from my wife tell him something to me how much is the cameo i'm not 25 bucks i'm not paying for that cameo sorry man you owe me 25 bucks that's nothing man chris fairbanks drove around and recorded a cameo for seven minutes

all right well everyone's desperate these days it's tough cameos we got to get in on cameos man that's pretty good whatever don't hit me oh they're in here they're in the kitchen recording in the kitchen uh-oh uh it was good uh patreon.com slash chubby behemoth we've had some real heaters lately uh last one was hot hot fire so get on that it's only five bucks a month and you get a bunch of extra episodes. Do you get access to the, to the whole catalog when you sign up or is it a, from this point forward? You get the whole catalog.

Damn. So it's literally never too late to never too late to sign up, get, get the back catalog. Sam tried to say sometimes it's too late to uh to be close with your mom i say it's never too late to sign up for a whole treasure trove of chubby behemoth memories how little you know about patreon what do you mean now if they sign up do they put in a credit card or where they send us a check how's this work no this is what i thought if you are new captain new money and you're popping down five dollars maybe you only get access to that next patreon episode i didn't know you get access to the whole library the whole goddamn back catalog so get on there okay

take some of that money you know go get in your fucking grandma's purse grab a couple of her percocets go down to the bus station sell those off to a man named rotten randy take that money put it in a bitcoin atm transfer that bitcoin to paypal and then buy our patreon it's really easy it couldn't be easier uh but, that is a good deal. I mean, I feel like maybe that's what a lot of non-patrons are doing is they're just waiting for the best bang for their buck like some real shysters. Who knows? Don't say shyster. It's anti-Semitic.

I already did. Oh, no. Becker? I didn't mean it in an anti-Semitic way. That's not a defense anymore is it? I said shyster, you're thinking of Shylock which is definitely

broken in the boys room oh man well I'm saying there's a difference alright you are saying it you're always saying it we love you guys, thank you Be Becker. Thank you, Sam. We'll see you next week.

Adios, muchachos.