Chubby Behemoth - Hulk Hogan Hair

Episode Date: September 12, 2021

Chicken Shit Bingo. Computer Generated Boy. A God Was There.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

They're supposed to be like one of us or like a volunteer there to tell people to sign the guest book and to try and just like answer questions or whatever. So Trinidad is celebrating 9-11. No. You are on the board of directors for Hart League. We did have a parade yesterday. Wow. It was about wacky cars. It was most least affected by the events of 9-11 it was wacky cars not a 9-11 parade you know i imagine that as i was in a building on the 35th

floor waiting for the smoke to claim me before the building collapsed. You know, the last thing I probably thought about was like a 1928 Studebaker. That makes, that makes sense to honor those brave men and women in nine 11. It was a coincidence. They did have like a firefighter's Memorial in the middle of the street between like five 30 and seven last night oh that's nice yeah so one i'm sorry that you you don't have to work it though today is what you were saying yeah i've been there a bunch and uh i don't have to do it today i do have to oh uh ripped from the

pages of your book today at trinounge, we have chicken shit bingo. No way. Yeah. Whoa, I'm so prophetic. I'm Nostradamus. It's back. It's back. It's a thing again.

Damn, are you going to buy shirts? I don't know. I don't know if there's shirts. I don't know what's gonna happen but uh i'm excited to be a part of it why didn't we get that guy who's running it as a guest on the pod i don't know who it is i don't know who it is well knowing trinidad is probably like the mayor it's probably uh what's the mayor's name like turnley wainwright probably turnley wainwright no it's phil, which is pretty fun.

Phil Rico. Phil Rico up with some jizz. How about that? That's what I think. I'm coming in hot today. Yeah, even though you sound tired. You sound like you just woke up. No, I'm not tired. We went to the CSU Rams game last night as a family, and we all collectively got bruised up. My uncle Tom got yelled at for smoking cigs.

Yes. Yes. It was like eight minutes into the first quarter and we were at the very top of Kansas Stadium and he's like, there was no one around except for this old couple who were patiently obeying the rules. They didn't move closer to the field, even though there was like six rows of bleachers in front of them they wanted to sit up there in the seat that they met in back in 75 when csu was still whites only whatever the fuck they were trying to do whatever they were commemorating it was their 9-11 that's where they

were sitting when they found out the planes hit tower one like remember that remember that david remember how wet i was for you when we found out that those men and women were burning alive my uncle's up there just blasting a smooth you know having one of his cools american spirit dark green for uncle tommy and she's like this old fucking white bitch is like oh my someone's smoking and then she turns around she's like sir you can't smoke up here and mel said yeah no shit yes yes nice job mel that's the line of mine that i like to employ yeah no shit yeah no shit no shit oh good if there was a lund action figure and you squeezed the legs it would say no shit oh good hey all right so yeah every time that we went down to buy you know the fucking i don't know 16 beers we each had we would just whisper bitch into

the back of her head that was a lot of fun man did they get security no there's no security there it's a bunch of like 21 year olds you know it's it's not there's not any cops there okay i thought it's pretty much an autonomous zone and this this woman, yeah, God, as if the smoke could have even reached her if she was in front of you guys and Tom's like blowing it up and back like JFK style, back and to the left. She wouldn't fucking, oh, God, how annoying. My Uncle Tommy knows how to smoke a cig in secret. You know, he did it for 25 years in his marriage.

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that i think yeah i think we've covered that before he went undercover as a smoker yeah he knows how to sleeve a sig huh oh for sure dude yeah i mean i remember he would pick us up that was sick that was a cool move becker becker did it yeah he would pick us up and like his truck and just be smoking cigs. Then we'd get home and he wouldn't smoke cigs. He'd reek like cigs at the dinner table. And my Aunt Julie would be like, oh, I'm so glad none of us smoke cigarettes.

Just apropos of nothing. Just, oh, it's nice that we're a family that doesn't smoke any cigarettes. Oh, she wasn't being passive aggressive? No. Get him to confess. oh it's nice that we're a family that doesn't smoke any cigarettes she wasn't being passive aggressive no yeah because like my grandpa you know when he got old and was begging for death he'd be like worst goddamn thing i ever did was quit smoking cigs my aunt julie you know as he's pondering the events of the korean war my aunt julie would just be like well it is nice none of us smoke it's just nice that we're a family of non-smokers. Meanwhile, I've got a pack of camel reds rolled up in my sleeve. You know, my sister has some of those fucking camel silvers tucked down the leg of her ostrich skin cowboy boot.

Henry has two vapes like a walrus just going. We're just so lucky that we all chose not to smoke. Meanwhile, my uncle's been smoking for 45 years but now it's just out in the open he blasts them and last night this bitch wasn't having it and we did not care and that was fun as a family to rally around our hatred for this anti-smoking cunt csu lost that sucked who'd you play vanderbilt dude the laughingstock of the sec we lost to fucking vandy meanwhile stroop's alma mater beat florida state i know yeah alabama a&m no jacksonville jacksonville state yeah not that florida state is still a powerhouse but still you

know once uh once a top team. Well, they're a seminal team. You know, they're very important. Nice. Thank you. Jake didn't get it. He's laughing, but he didn't get it. I did.

That's one of the rare sports jokes I got. It's cool because the Florida Gators invented Gatorade, and you don't want to know what the Seminoles drank, all right? Whoa. Gators invented Gatorade, and you don't want to know what the Seminoles drank, all right? Seminole fluid didn't catch on the same way the Gatorade did. The Crimson Tide as well. They could only drink it once a month.

Yeah. That's why there's so many sororities down there in Bama. Give it to me. Give me that blood. Those are your first menses. Yummy. Oh, God. Someone got on birth control early oh before i forget i was looking at i don't know why this old uh post of kyle pogues is resurfacing but he was uh talking about some like undercover asshole in the fort collins scene a few

years ago and i'm glad i read through the old comments because it mentioned the time when you were at the boot and the boot had two giant american flags on stage oh yeah and uh pogue kyle pogue was once in the military and you you like wrapped yourself up in in one of the giant american flags and said, Hey, look, Pogue, I'm all of your friends. Yeah. So fucking hilarious. Yeah, man, that was an early classic Sam T and Fort Collins move.

Skip behind the flag and make fun of military funerals. God, I'm surprised that show lasted as long as it did. It was brief, but they had a bunch of shows and i made the i made fun of the flag and had a table like leave or talk shit to the servers or whatever and then leave and uh it was annoying because like yeah we're gonna make fun of fucking the giant props behind us lunda you're not playing fancy football with us but you're missed i just

want to let you know that you would have been so pissed on the first day of football on thursday like everything you said about not wanting to do fantasy came true for you i had antonio brown on my bench and i was just like he got like 25 points and i was like damn london would have been fucking steaming oh yeah that's all it is you know i got sick of acting like because even though i would watch the games and kind of follow you know who was hot what you know who was putting up whatever week wilson's hot it turns out yeah everyone's banging him yeah good looking guy yeah uh week to week yeah you don't fucking know. And then to even act like you do is annoying. So, yeah, I mean, I played for a long time.

I won one year and I got wasted during the draft. It was during the day at my friend's house. Got wasted, was like rolling around on the floor. That was the year you drafted a quarterback, Nick Van Exel. Yeah, I was drafting my favorite basketball players. I was just drafted, you know, cartoon characters that I thought would be good at football. Yeah, your defense was the Mets. I got Arian Foster in like the sixth, eighth round or whatever, because nobody was really talking about him.

And he had like killer season. So I just coasted. And that's how I mean, that's not how it goes every year, but there is a lot of luck involved if you, and then if you pay a ton, if you pay all of the attention, then maybe it pays off, but I didn't want to commit even more than I already was. So yeah. Did you hear the exchange that happened with London? My sister, Marie fantasy football. Did you guys cover this with Sharpie? No. Oh dude. Becker, did you hear the exchange that happened with Lund and my sister, Rui Fantasy Football? Did you guys cover this with Sharpie?

No. Oh, dude, it was great. My sister, we're putting together like a money league. It's just like the close crew. And I was like, let's get Lund in there. We need two more. And my sister texts Lund, and she's like, hey, do you want to join our fantasy football team?

And Lund, what did you say? I'll be my sister. You be you. I said, no, I am out of the game, and I don't miss it. And then Sophie responded, well, I'm going to make fun of you in the group chat. I said, I don't give a fuck. And then she said, well, it sounds like you give a fuck. And I said, well, I don't.

Why don't you tell Dave, cool hulk hogan hair bro i don't know why dave got it you know sophie's the one that needed to get uh some shit talked to you nagged my dad nowhere some collateral damage you didn't care who you hurt man you were just lashing out in the dark she annoyed me that uh she's like you where she can uh she can determine what reality is and what other people are thinking it's like i'm telling you i don't care yeah oh i think you do i don't care what you think it's like sounds like that, that means you care even more. And it's like, no, you're just saying whatever you want. Like,

that's definitely the truth. Right. Sounds like you care the most. You saying you don't care. It means that you have a crush on me. Yeah. But yeah. Hey,

fans go out there and, uh, find a picture of skull at Hulk Hogan and then make him a half Mexican. And you have my father's head. It's crazy. How accurate that was. Oh, I want to see Dave blonde too.

He could bleach it. You know, he's newly single. So maybe he'll start making moves. Yeah. Sharp. Sharpie and I had a good time in your absence. Welcome back.

Thanks man. Well, yeah, I just want to tell the patrons that I had a very big, exciting week. Thank you for supporting the special. It came out Tuesday, and people have been loving it. Buy it on anywhere you stream shit. So Tuesday, we had the special.

Lund came up. That was a lot of fun. Denver sold out the Sloan's Lake Alamo Draft House. Had a great night partying and showing my ass with steven aj afterward all my elizabeth friends came and proudly told everyone they weren't vaccinated because quote that shit's for homos end quote oh god i didn't hear any of that oh yeah yeah jordan berry reed berry we were all standing around my buddy crusty and garbage came kevin schultz with his heart condition and like we were on the back patio 715 club afterward and one of them was like or kevin was

like i can't get the vaccine because of my heart condition and then just six elizabeth kids like not kids 35 year old men were like oh yeah i don't have the vaccine no way uh-uh as they proceed to like you know smoke filterless luckies and uh drink people's unfinished beverages that they found on the tables. Just going around slurping up wounded soldiers. I used to do that. Of course, yeah. Not all the time, but I did it in college

a handful of times. Oh, I've done it a bunch at the Squire. People would go to the bathroom and I'd just come over and clear the goddamn table. Oh my god. Oh yeah, dude. That's wild. would go to the bathroom and i just come over and clear the goddamn table oh my god oh yeah dude that's so it's wild yeah i remember someone got one of those bionic beavers one time and they went outside to smoke bionic beaver was just like a uh pretty much a long island i see but served in

a pitcher it was like the all sorts you know like in the old western saloons it was whatever they squeezed out of the rags yeah i had one once and it was like yeah it's a fucking headache you just know you know it's gonna kick you right in the dick yeah so someone went out to smoke and i was like so broke and i was eyeing their bionic beaver and as soon as they went outside i went over and i chugged it at their table and then just threw up all over the booth so and then like you know like went and hid in the bathroom so when they came back from their smoke not only was their bionic beaver gone their seat was covered in vomit that was a fun prank

yeah it's like you got x they come back and they're looking for ashton kutcher yeah where's the camera? You're just in the bathroom peeking out from under the door. Yeah, turning my shirt inside out so they don't know it was me. And then that was a lot of fun. And then the next day we did the premiere in Fort Collins. And that one was even more raucous and fun. And then we partied.

in Fort Collins and that one was even more raucous and fun and then we partied and then that next day, that morning my mom died because she was jealous of all the attention I was getting. She was so pissed about everyone loving the special she's like, I know what I'll show them.

So yeah, she's up in heaven sucking her own dick oh shit yeah yeah that is crazy timing yeah i know she never had good timing you can't teach it no i know especially the old bt elizabeth patricia uh yeah she uh she succumbed to uh life at 3 30 a.m um thursday morning and now i've just been with my family for the last uh four days just my dad drove up here at like 5 30 a.m he just like left from the hospital after she was declared past and uh yeah just fucking blasting 10 000 maniacs a whole kogan hair blowing in the way in the in the wind windows down that's right yeah the first thing my dad did after my mom passed away was went and bought a bandana and a pack of cigs. Just went full Bolia. Cutting a promo on God himself.

Yeah, exactly. God, you lowdown cowardly sumbitch. You took one woman who ever loved me. Now I'm going to get my revenge in that cage in hell. Yeah, so, yeah, I mean, if my dad starts wearing a bandana, I have to move in with him. That's like the last thing I need. Yeah, God, I hope he bleaches his hair.

But yeah, we've just, he drove up here and he, you know, my dad, he's the man. I took care of my mom for five years after her stroke. Just like is the fucking man. I love him so much. five years after her stroke just like is the man i love him so much he calls me and it's like 5 30 a.m and i'm like oh why is dad calling and then he's he's like hey man i'm at your house i need to come in and i was like okay two things have happened he's either falling off the wagon came out of a blackout and he's in fort collins somehow completely nude and he needs you know to be bathed by his you gotta take a piss before I keep driving up to Mount Rushmore yeah yeah before I go moon crazy horse

just up there giving the finger yeah or my mom finally like you know she's like some space. So David, you got to get out of here. So he just drove like to Fort Collins. You know, I was hoping I, you know, and then I'm barely down the stairs and my dad's in the house and he's like, yeah, your mom died. I was like, oh, brutal. I was like, oh, totes a bummer, dude. You know, so we like down, bro. Yeah. What? It's a real record scratch moment let me tell you and uh you're probably scratching your balls you just woke up oh yeah it was all fucking you know and i was partying the night before because it was the premiere in fort collins and uh so yeah he you know he tells us and me and emily cry and hug him for like five minutes. And then Emily's like, all right, cool.

I'll get a bag. She didn't say, all right, cool. She was like, I'll get a bag together. Because we had to go tell my sister before she woke up for work. And my dad's at the sink, just like, you know, I've never seen my father cry this much. But he says, yeah, you know, your mom, she broke our arrangement. We've been married 42 years. We were supposed to get to 50 and then double suicide. your mom, she broke our arrangement. We've been married 42 years.

We were supposed to get to 50 and then double suicide. So that was a big laugh that we had like, you know, three minutes after he told me my mom was dead. So that was important. And then we drove down and told Sophie and Mel and Sophie took it very, very bad, you know, God bless her. And then we drove over and told David Borey, because Borey's, you know, family and beloved by my mother. My mom liked like six people.

You know what I mean? Like six of my friends all time. She liked you. She liked Sharpie. She liked Clay DeHaan. She did not like Bobby. She never said Bobby was funny. She didn't get it with Bobby.

You know, she loved David. I don't think she liked me. I think she thought I was okay. No, she did. Because I know this because my mom couldn't talk very well, you know, after her stroke. But she had like sign language for you and for Chris Sharp and Tear. For Sharpie, she would do the thing where you like put your hand three feet off the ground. And then with her other hand, she would make a fake mustache with her

finger. So that was Sharpie, you know, little boy. And then for Lund, she would just put her arms out and blow out her cheeks and go like a big fat guy. Hot dog, hot dog. Queso, hot dog. That was you. You don't want to know what she did for david involved shoe polish but so so i hit up david i'm like hey man i need to see you it's like 8 a.m you know i've never

and i was like i'm in denver i need to see you and he was like okay yeah of course come over so i go over there and i didn't tell my family was coming but we all walk in and uh i tell david you know my mom died and he cries and then he pulls his head up you know after a minute and he says god i wish i wasn't wearing this shirt and uh we noticed that david has a shirt that says pog 2020 with a bunch of big butts in front of the White House. EAWG 2020. Fat ass white girls. And then that cracks us up. And then my dad's like, wait, what's a POG? And we have to tell my dad what a POG is. And then he's on his phone searching. So it goes from David, you know, a woman who loved you like a son died to my dad dad like on porn hub figuring out this acronym um and then we had to go tell my aunt theta and my uncle pat and my aunt julie and my uncle tom

and then we've just been staying with my aunt my uncle pat or no my aunt uh julie and uncle tom and leviers for the last two nights then last night we all came up here. So sorry I missed the page, everyone. But, you know, had a couple things to figure out. How was it with Tom and Linda? Julie? Julie. Yeah. I blanked.

Yeah, it's all right. You've only been to Thanksgiving at their house a couple times. Once. Yeah, well, it felt like more because only been to Thanksgiving at their house a couple times. Once. Yeah, well, it felt like more because we had to get another turkey halfway through the first meal. Tom said I was the one that smelled like smokes. Yeah, yeah, that's what he told everyone. He was like, it's not me. It's clearly this guy we've never met.

Julie, Julie, no. Julie, unlock the bathroom door. No one smokes in this family, remember? It's Lund. He reeks. We're all going to live forever. Yeah. As soon as you get there, he's just like, hey, smoke this real quick.

Makes you smoke three cigarettes at once. He's blowing smokes on you. Good, good. You're my cover. You're my manaflage. So, yeah, telling them was the hardest thing I've I mean telling my sister

was the hardest thing but you know telling my aunt and uncle yeah that really sucked dude you know my aunt's the only tailor left my uncle knew my mom longer than my dad did

up there in Cleveland so you know it wasn't a blast did you have you told Drew So, you know, it wasn't a blast. Did you, have you told drew carry yet? No, I can't get ahold of drew, but it's going to really ruin him.

It's going to destroy drew carry when he finds out that that woman, he fingered in a frat house in 1964 is no longer with us. Well, yeah, it does suck. I'm sorry that she's gone it sucked that she had that stroke right after trump got elected she was so furious yeah she's so pissed yeah they announced trump was president and she hit the fucking ground dude my mom just had a real way of kind of fucking me over with her ailments uh why does she think

about me before half of her brain explodes you had some heat in 2016 well that was remember dude that was the day uh i was my mom had the stroke the morning or the night before i was on roast battle uh i woke up in las vegas ready to fly out out to Denver to do roast battle and comedy works. And my dad called me and said, your mom had a stroke. It's very touch and go. You know, we're not sure how she's going to be.

And I had to fly out there and fucking, you know, call Justine Marino a whore on TV. I had to be fake mean to the woman who got me on the show in the first place while my mom's in traction. So yeah, that was fucking bad. And then,

you know, the special comes out and I don't, I'm not promoting it or anything. I'm not, I didn't promote my fucking album that came out on Friday just because what's the fucking point, you know, it's all,

you know, I've just had to be here for my family. Yeah. Well, yeah. And you promoted it so much anyway, people are sick of it. So it's probably nice to get nice for my family. Yeah. Well, yeah, and you promoted it so much anyway. People are sick of it, so it's probably nice for everyone to get a break from your constant, you know, give me money, buy my book, look, I did a thing.

Dude, I have never said I did a thing online. That's the worst fucking thing. That's the equivalent of typing that's like cheers that makes my skin crawl like people saying cheers yeah now you're right you're right i did a thing they buy a house they're like we did a thing oh yeah the baby thing the baby one is oh tired as hell yeah having a kid is tired as hell god i can't believe someone who hey look another mouth that's going to take resources that are completely disappearing.

It's like, yeah, good. Hey, you know how I complained about my bitch wife all the time? Well, I winked in her, and now we're bringing Little Dakota into the world. Look, another carbon footprint to bring us closer to the fucking end of everything as we know it.

That's great. And one more log on the fucking tire fire that is we know it. Yeah. That's great. And one more log on the fucking tire fire that is existence. A hundred diapers a week on the way. At least my wife has big milky mommy milkers.

Shut up. She had them already. We all knew she had them. We all banged her. That could be any of our kids. Shut up. Wait. So is Dave up there there yeah dave's here nice dave t's up here doing push-ups you know yeah he's using the tiki the tiki gym yeah we had to uh you know show him how to work tinder it was like dad it's pretty early but uh you know he said it's a college town he wants to teach some lessons i don't know what that

just doing the hump motion yeah he's like valentine sarah b's dog dog parks open yeah my dad was blasting panama and he had a tie on the doorknob so i don't know what that means but whoa he's already getting laid j laid no dude it's uh he's you know we're staying busy right now with planning everything um but yeah you know i'm just worried about how lonely he's gonna be and like how quickly he's gonna go feral out there in elizabeth by himself yeah next time i see him he'll have tusks you know he'll be walking on all fours getting in the trash yeah it's weird to think about uh my parents were together for since high school you know so it's weird to think about how that feels to all of a sudden not have

that other person and like megan and i and you and emily been together for almost a decade yeah it's a long time but also like i had had other girlfriends you'd had women i've yeah you betted many your sister included but just one of the many just one of the many faces that I've shoved into a pillow. Dude, I would be so bummed out to find out you bedded little feet. I wouldn't be bummed out that it happened. I'd be bummed out you guys didn't tell me and that it didn't last. I love Mel, but in an alternate reality where you become Sophieie's betrothed that would have been cool too yeah i guess but instead one night uh with that we'll both remember for a lifetime uh but no it would be uh i mean it would be crazy if uh after 20 years 30, and then 42 years, Jesus,

all of a sudden you're just looking around like, hello? You know, like in your shared home, hello? Anybody here? It's got to be fucked up. Everything just, you know, he's used to going, you know, he served her for the last five years. She couldn't really do anything on her own so it sucks dude just you know yeah i don't know it's tough he did he's just he's been saying weird shit uh you know like we

told my sister and she totally flipped out rightfully so you know i'm not trying to i'm not you know she it was really hard to tell her but then we're laying in my sister's bed, me, Emily, Mal, and my dad, um, post post-coital, um, we're all slaked with sweat and nude. Um, no, but my dad was like, I'm just so sorry that you guys lost your mom so early. You know, like he's know like he says i knew her for 42 years i got to know her and i laughed really hard i was like i mean dad i think i got to know mom you know i think i had a general idea of who mom was i sucked on her tits too dad like it's not it's not like we were she was keeping me at arm's length until i was 50. yeah dad remember when i gave you that gift of mom's rocking hooters for It's not like we were. She was keeping me at arm's length until I was 50.

Dad, remember when I gave you that gift of mom's rockin' hooters for eight months? All right. The pictures you've shared, you look so fake. You look like a drawing of a kid, like a white kid in an anime. Like the rosy cheeks and the ridiculous hair, you know just going every which way you you look made up i do i look like a computer generated version of a boy like if they if they had an ai that was supposed to design what children looked like in 1988 it would be me mullet rosy cheeks also every one of those photos like if there's a photo where i look like i'm 18 months old i'm probably six months old yeah you know like i was such a

fucking little wad just crawling around begging for food and attention yeah you came out huge and then you doubled in size like the second week you were alive. Yeah. You just look three and you're a newborn. Yeah. There's a. Why isn't he walking yet? Doesn't he have a job? Ten days old. Yeah.

Was this his first day of high school? No. This is his year birthday. There was an envelope of folders at my aunt and uncle's house. Or there was an envelope of photos and it aunt and uncle's house. There was an envelope of photos, and it just was marked, Sam, very big baby. It was a bunch of boudoir photos of me, freshly born. Yeah, that was fun to see some of those pictures.

Did some good partying out there in the clubhouse. Some good hangs. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. That was when I wept the hardest was when we went out to the house to tell my aunt Theda. It was my aunt Theda's birthday. My dad's sister. So she came and met us at my parents' house.

And I was like really keeping it together you know i cried when he told me and then there was like you know intermittent tears but when we got in there and i saw the fucking dollhouse i bought my mom for christmas and all the work she was putting into it and like her you know her dollhouse craft setup was just right there in front of the door i fucking went outside and begged god to take me no i didn't but i did fucking that was the hardest i've cried man just seeing my mom like with her adorable little dollhouse oh that sucked yeah well and i was gonna say earlier uh i know everybody's different with relationships with their parents you know one or the other is maybe you're or or you're super close with both but i feel like you're very close with both i was

way more i'm way or was way closer with my mom than my dad my dad dies and it's like oh idiot dies of cancer it's like who cares but but if and i i still am not really talking to my mom. Like we've talked a couple of times since he died, but I'm still pissed at her for being like a Trump, you know, idiot, like a, I don't know. So it's all complicated, but like, it'll really hit me when she's gone because we've always been closer. My dad was always a guy that worked. Your dad was more of like a roommate in your house. He was, well, yeah, it was like if my mom knew a guy and let him stay with us because he had a troubled past or whatever. It's like she took in a stray dog.

Yeah, it was very different. I mean, we were close to a certain degree. Your dad was a drifter that your mom housed yeah well and for a while we had his friend chuck living with us and that was weird because then it was like the two of them and then we're staying with these two these two best friends or chick that they know uh but yeah it it'll it'll be weird when she is gone and it's weird like you're saying uh i haven't my dad didn't want a funeral and it it was you know january of this year before the vaccine so we couldn't i mean i could have driven out there but it didn't make a ton of sense and so i haven't been out there it'll be very weird and it'll hit me differently to be in that

house because they've had they've been in that house since 95 it has been home uh for you know most of uh my life especially the the second uh two-thirds you know lived there when i was 12 and 13 and went back there constantly yeah i mean when you see the artifacts of him like when you walk in and see his like quiet riot coke mirror and uh you know his cinderella blacklight poster on the wall you're probably gonna probably gonna snap man but jeff jeff gordon with two babes on each arm yeah 98 right uh yeah that'll be different well and also like my mom did a good job with uh i think evan might have helped her with like the memorial site and that hit me because it was a bunch of old pictures it was like them like i said them uh from their entire adult lives

and even you know uh high school i liked that memorial site i remember when it clicked on like where to donate you know in his memory and it took you it rickrolled you and took you to never gonna give you up i thought that was a classy move oh you know what i didn't think about until like two days ago is uh uh his name is richard lund so dick lund but also lund in hindi is penis so over in india his name was dick penis so that's pretty fun i wish we could have gotten over to bombay for a week or two yeah just so you could get that one in way too much yeah just have a bunch of people giggle it's like when you had gout and i just kept telling everyone you'd be over there like hi this is my dad his name is dick lund dick lund get it moving on hey cab driver i gotta tell you Dick Lund. Dick Lund. Get it? Moving on.

Hey, cab driver, I gotta tell you something. My name? Yes, it's Nathan Lund. And this guy is Richard. He goes by Rick, but also in America Rick can be shortened to Dick for some reason. So yeah, that was a chuckle in the shower a couple nights ago that's

a good one man yeah lond uh you really came through on that phone call with me and emily dude you know we love you well it was i love you too and it was nice that i was at work but the bar was completely empty so i was able to take the call yeah some idiot asking what we had on draft when there's obviously two Coors banquet handles right in front of their face you guys have like a you guys have like a hidden keg somewhere that has my favorite beard no yeah it's cool Coors motherfucker we got mgd or we got fruitopia those are your choices I wish we had Fertopia in the gun. Becker,

sorry to break the news to you right here. Nathan told me. Thanks for reaching out. No, you were being private about it and I didn't want to be rude. He told me more because of the dynamics of the podcast. No, dude. I set myself up to just blast rude. I didn't know. He told me more because of the dynamics of the podcast.

No, dude, I'm, I set myself up to just blast you. I assume you knew because when I made that joke for my dad being single, you made a face. I was like, yeah,

he knows what's up. Yeah. And I've been crying this whole podcast. This is rough. Yeah, no, man. I know.

I love you, pal. My dad loves you. You know that. Yeah. Tell Dave, I said, I love him too. I will dude. And Hey, you know, fans of the pod, like. My dad loves you. You know that. Yeah. Tell Dave I said I love him too.

I will, dude. And hey, you know, fans of the pod, like, do me a favor. Don't reach out to me. You know, if you see us at the live pod this Saturday, right? High plans. Yeah. You know, if you could just do me a favor and not be like, hey, sorry about your mom or like, sorry for your loss. If you want to say something nice to me, just come up to me and say, she had them. That's just a nice way to let me know you're thinking about me, everyone. She had them or I bought the special.

I watched your special four times. Yeah. I didn't just rent it. I bought it. And not in standard definition either. I went high def. I wanted to see all those pores oh dude the pores are out and ready to be excavated so many people have reached out and been like hey how can i buy a physical copy of this it's like what you want a dvd you want a goddamn laser disc what are you talking about you just come out of a coma and see no man what's happening over there no some people are just nerds that like having physical copies of shit

yeah yeah as becker shows us everything on his wall all my physical copies i don't know if you get a tig drawn special on vhs that's cool how uh what's the best way for people to buy it because you're asking me and i realized i never checked what the best way to do it was oh you know i think you just buy it anywhere if you live outside the u.s you get it on vimeo i think but i think amazon prime has the highest video quality i think it's on there in like 4k um but yeah you know apple tv amazon prime comcast anywhere you get it is good um yeah uh you know jim uh hired his railroad lawyers and told me that dogs eat out of the bowl and if i want to feed i can get on all fours no i'm kidding jim's been very good and uh it's

just i think that i don't mean i don't need to discuss the specifics of the money but yeah i'll eventually get paid out let's get into it okay so there's a thing called comedy dynamics i mean i didn't even promote my album that came out in comedy dynamics i sent an email out to comedy dynamics i was like hey i'm not gonna be promoting right now it's my mom just passed everyone responded hey thank you blah blah blah uh we understand we're here for you whatever you need and then uh the head of comedy dynamics sent me a passive-aggressive text message being like wow your specials number two on itunes without any promo on your behalf and i responded hey no need to apologize but my mom just died brother so don't worry about it but i'm not going to be on the socials begging for eyeballs you fucking prick that's the closest i've come to lashing out at

anyone physically i went out and found a homeless guy and oh fuck i gotta let him out of that cage i was gonna sacrifice him to the altar of pain that i've been living on god what a doof yeah what a do she wasn't in that email i sent out but uh Yeah, what'd I do? She wasn't in that email I sent out, but you know. That's why I said no need to apologize, but my mom's dirt. My mom's currently sucking the devil's dick, so

forgive me if I don't say I did a thing. What a heckin' good boy I've been. Yeah. Get the word out about comedy dynamics. Right. But I think we're going to have a really nice, we're going to have a very nice ceremony

at the Denver Botanical Gardens. That's going to be the move. And instead of a headstone, we're just going to donate to ISIS in her name. Because that's what she would have wanted. No, we're going to get her a big old tree at the Botanical Gardens. That'll be nice because I can go visit it whenever I'm there. Is that allowed?

With my secret wife. Whenever I'm there on dates. Smoking cigs. In the garden, blasting cigs, bowing at people in the tea house my mom loved bowing the two things that the two things that happened to my mom like you know after her stroke her personality really didn't change but two weird things happened she started whenever an airplane would fly overhead she would stop talking and look at it and then tell you how many airplanes she counted that day there's always an update on

how many airplanes she'd seen that day and that was very important for her for some reason and then also another thing that would happen is whenever asian people would walk by she would laugh at them and i don't know why that is. She was never rude that way before her stroke. But for some reason, when Asian people would walk by, she would nudge me, point, and laugh. Was she just internalizing it before the stroke? That's a good question.

Got shook loose. Yeah, maybe she was like, who cares, you know? I'm in this chair now i can live it up yeah it was so weird dude there were so many times when like i would see asian people coming and my mom would like be like and i'd be like no no mom it's not what we do it's not correct god bless her i mean it was just something rewired in her brain made her crack up whenever you know a lovely family would walk by she'd be like get a load of this you know julie julie julie peep little boy fuck dude when when we went out to uh my parents house gordy ran in the house and was like flipping out because he couldn't find her.

And that was brutal. It's been so brutal, dude. Then he took a pee on the couch and everybody was like, oh, look, he's the dominant one now. Yeah, Gordy's the alpha now. He never, he was always scared to pee in the house when she was there. And then he was like, oh, hell yeah, time to piss. Because my mom has that bb gun she used to shoot deer that came near her roses and she would just put it in gordy's mouth

and say i'll fucking do it i will fucking do it give me one goddamn reason but yeah i mean it sucks because like you know you always see people post about like my mom died and when your mom is alive you're like oh that sucks i feel for them but like sucks for you But yeah, I mean, it sucks because like, you know, you always see people post about like, my mom died. And when your mom is alive, you're like, oh, that sucks. I feel for them. But like, sucks for you. Yeah. Like, oh, wow. Sucks to suck, loser.

Should have been a better kid. Yeah, exactly. But then when it happens, it's like the most definitive thing that's ever happened to me. You know, my mom loved me. I loved her. I went out of my way to make sure she felt included after her stroke. And she was like, my dad was the man. My sister loved her.

She loved my wife. She loved Mel. So, like, I think that there's nothing really to feel. She loved half of Mel. Yeah, she laughed at the other half. He's half Korean but uh I don't know if the fans know that no no I know you had to you had to say it yeah but uh yeah dude I don't know like I haven't cried since that first day because it's kind of like you know the stages of grief it's like denial well you can't deny what happened my mom no longer is alive anger what's there to be angry at it's not going to

change anything uh bargaining god isn't real and the devil reigns in heaven so who am i gonna bargain with you know uh depression that's not my mom would always be like nothing gets figured out when you're crying my mom thought crying was so self-indulgent and that's really coming out in me right now. Cause it's like, whenever I get like, I, when I could cry, I'm like, well, that's not going to change anything. That's not going to help anything or anything. They'll just make like my dad sad or my sister sad. So it's like, I think I'm just right there at acceptance, man. And it's really weird. I thought this would shatter me, i'm like doing okay and that feels bad to say you know uh i don't know yeah i think being logical more than emotional helps with a lot of

that stuff because yeah like i can't believe it and why would this happen you're like this shit happens every day yeah believe it you know like like i said oh it's so weird that my unhealthy dad got cancer no and then for him to die of that cancer it's like yeah no shit so yeah breaking news pantland thrown in trash guy who hated vegetables dies young and i mean it's 66 it's like yeah young i'm getting annoyed at all of the people who are like oh my dad just died at 82 of covid and it was so it didn't have to happen and it's like yeah but also why don't you be a little stoked that he was 82 instead of 35, you know?

Right. And you were seven. Like, nobody can really do that. I mean, people do. But I feel like, I mean, you're showing your ass, I think. If you are a full-grown adult and you are losing your shit, I have a friend on Facebook that can't stop posting about how her dad died. And it's like, Jesus Christ, do you think posting about it every day is

gonna make it better or are you gonna fucking like eventually get over it or you're just gonna yeah i don't know i mean you're just like i don't know i know that everybody's different and i feel bad for her she's nice but it's also like when they say like oh my dad died at 76 years old of covid and it's like cuts to last known picture and it's him at sturgis doing belly like body shots it's like well you know they could have done something to prevent this from happening yeah i mean my mom you know she was she had you know a stroke uh and five years we got five years with her and it ruled those were five bonus years you know and she was forced into retirement she She still would have been working. You know, she's fucking passed away at 69 years old.

She didn't drink a glass of water in the last 25 years. All of her liquids. Yeah. All the liquids just came in the form of Kahlua, you know, my dad quit drinking, but he loves soda. And I think he'd alternate between like diet soda and full blown. Yeah. And it was like, like yeah have some get

some water in the mix but it's just like like people someone said like one of my cousin's friends you know all the friends rallied they all came over uh at my aunt's house but one of them was like it's just so surreal we saw her on like i saw her on tuesday after my special she's i sat down with her when the theater was still had some people in it and she was like it was good and i was like i'm so glad to hear you say that and she was like and i would tell you if it was bad and it's like yeah i know mom i know who you are i'm well aware of my mom used to tell me like when i would bomb she would be the first one at the side of the stage like as soon as i got off stage she'd be like oh my god that was fucking

brutal they hated you what the fuck happened what the hell happened up there usually you're good but jesus christ you know yeah she liked the special she was not withholding but she also wasn't doting she wasn't a gusher of a you know i mean she also has two cool kids but she wasn't like one of those that's just like so supportive of her, you know. Oh, yeah. Half of, you know, half of an asshole kid that's not doing anything like so. Yeah, she loved us, but she wasn't going to like, you know, lie for our benefit. You know, she didn't sugarcoat anything except for you know my sister's uh

medicine when she was a kid when the rim of her glass if she was sick of the salt oh dude my mom fuck we had dinner on tuesday at uh cochino taco and of course she orders her mojito takes a sip and then i gotta go up to the bar and get her a shot glass full of simple syrup because she was such a fucking hummingbird at the end you know just love syrup but the last memory i have of her is walking her out of the theater i walked her all the way out with her on my arm and i was making her laugh the whole time and then i put her in shotgun in my dad's car she gave me a big hug uh buried her head in my chest told me she loved me i said something that made her laugh and i shut the door so like i have that you know and then 36 hours later not even 28 hours later she's

gone and it's like it's not surreal you know like it's the most real thing there is people die that's what we're all here to do that's like the only real purpose we have on earth. And, uh, yeah, I mean, I, we,

it was going to happen and I'm glad that, uh, I'm glad it happened. Like after she got to see Sophie become the head of the spa and she got, you know, Mal and her got engaged and she just saw that, you know, we had people that loved us and she got to see me achieve a little bit of

success. And she could have been dead five years ago, man. And that would have been really, really bad, but she wasn't. And that rules. Yeah. Now I just have to find and kill Donald Trump, which I can say now, cause he's not the president. He did this to her. Him being elected did this. It's not political it's personal yeah exactly yeah it's just you know it's a blood oath i swore

that sucked uh because it was so i couldn't believe it i couldn't believe that he fucking won anyway yeah neither could your mom her was like, I'm out of here. This doesn't make any fucking sense. My mom's brain was like, BRB. Yeah, man. It was cool to be able to talk to you and laugh the way that we laughed when my dad died because that's all you can do is stay positive cry a little bit but yeah be glad focus on the good there's like uh between my dad and me it's annoying that he and my mom have gotten

brainwashed and that kind of feels like sometimes i just feel bad for them as opposed to like being angry with them it's more just like shit man they're not the only ones not like everybody else is killing it and is like a complete uh genius so what are you gonna do and and i'm grateful for what i have which is a chosen family of uh some of the smartest funniest people I know and well yeah you know so yeah it's all it just makes you realize like you know like I love you and Becker I love you as well but like Lund and David Borey are incredibly important to to my mental health and to go over and tell David I've've never seen david cry before you know um and he wept heartily for my mother and then revealed that he had a fat ass white girl shirt on and that was fun

but like i remember driving from my aunt theta's house to go tell my aunt julie and having to tell my aunt julie was the hardest thing uh you know like my dad my dad told my sister and that was like i was in the room but i told my aunt julie and i was like with emily and i was like fuck i just wish i could talk to lund right now and i did talk to you and you made me laugh a bunch um yeah it's just fuck you know we're so lucky for so many reasons well yeah and being down here in a small town it is uh wild like working that firefighter thing the dumb the dumb shit people will say that they you know just have learned is something that other people say that they are around you know like their people it can't compare to the shit that you say to you know like i said to of the smartest, funniest people in the world,

most creative people that I get to call friends, people will fucking look at the wall of dead fire. I don't know if I've talked about it, but there's portraits of the 343 dead firefighters from New York City on 9-11. And this lady that lives right by me painted them uh years ago and and she lives down here so it's on display and people will come in and most of the people that come in look at those 300 they don't look at all 343 they look at the wall for 10 seconds and then they just start hoping that somebody in the room wants to hear them talk about how long they've lived in trinidad where they went to high school

like fucking it's insane instead of being able to like have any you know like greater insight by looking at you know or whatever you know people just will fucking start talking about god you know just like oh yeah and then i'm just like i'm just like they're a hack for like being a person like instead of a hack comic they're like a hack american you know where it's like well i just know that god was there that day and it's like yeah i guess why don't you come up with something better than that yeah i mean i think the god that was there that day was allah and he was high-fiving everyone he was doing the worm yeah you're right a god was there that day not the one who's fucking biscuits you're eating brother all right uh yeah so yeah it's been annoying too and i think you and i have talked maybe not on the pod but just how people will rely on um

not euphemisms was it uh colloquialism colloquialisms yeah and and act like it's some insight like yeah they'll be like you're damned if you do you're damned if you don't it's like yeah well that's deep you know right yeah you said it brother god damn uh god is good you know like i before e except after c you know what i'm saying man uh you gotta look both ways before you cross that street uh so yeah that's but it's been a lot of that at the uh firefighter thing and uh i guess you know if i could still feel bad for people be like well you know they don't know what to say it's a heavy thing and so they don't like come up with a poem and it's like no but there is middle ground i think people are just playing it safe they don't

want to say something that that can could be made fun of or that isn't right so they just rely on things that they think are safe and it's like yeah but that's not what that's not you saying that that's something your dad always said or your pastor said one time you're like oh i'm gonna remember that one that's my thing i think i was laughing with sharpie i can't remember i think it was sharpie though where you know says, I'm here if you need anything. If you need anything, I'm here. And just how funny it would be if you were like, all right, Pat Sutton, you know what

I need? You to suck me. That's what I need right now. The only thing you could do to help me feel better in this moment is if you filleted my tepid hog. So it's not going to be that hard because I'm going to be sad. I've been crying i'm dehydrated i don't have any salt in my body but yeah you know what would really help me out is if

you would gag on my knob could you do that for me we all we all mourn differently look i'm grieving it i uh have you posted you haven't posted about it right of course not okay so yeah well yeah i didn't either because i don't need the noties but if uh i post that your mom died yeah you break the news you scoop me hey guys if you could just please reach out to my best friend former lover sam talent he's going through a real rough i don't want to be the one to say, but I am going to say, but DM me and I'll tell you. I'll give you the hot goss. no, it's just how it is, but it doesn't mean I can't, it doesn't mean I have to love it, is when somebody posts that somebody died and there's just a hundred comments and the way that people choose to write something

is funny to me because sometimes they'll, you know, say very safe things, so sorry for your loss, oh, I can't believe it. And then some people will just, you know, anytime anybody uses an exclamation point, I always think it's funny. I can't believe he's gone. If you need anything.

He just conveys a weird kind of emotion. It's like Regis Philbin's giving you condolences. I can't believe he's gone. Oh, no. What happened? What a crime. She loved you. Yeah.

Yeah. I guess there's no wrong answers, but there's kind of are. You know what I mean? You can still. Here's something that gave me some comfort in this moment is that Ed Asner passed like five days before she did. And if you follow me on Instagram, you know, my mom's first girlhood crush was Ed Asner, which we found out in New Orleans at a restaurant. And she gesticulated wildly at a celebrity photos on a wall. And there was like John Wayne up there, you know, there was like a bunch of just a hot dudes. And I was like, who? And she, and she like wrote it

out on her app that her first crush was Ed Asner. So hopefully they're up there just sipping Mai Tais out of Regis Philbin's skull. Bionic beavers for everyone. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, dude. So hey. WKRP in Cincinnati? Because he was the boss or whatever?

No, I think he was the boss on uh mary tyler moore okay you piece of literal shit i'm old but i'm not that old how dare you besmirch my mom's good name by saying she watched wkrp in cincinnati and got wet and splashed around how dare you say that um but yeah hey everyone come see us at uh the high plains comedy special on or comedy uh what is it festival festival we're on saturday right yep it's saturday at six i believe yeah saturday at six at mutiny where it all started we get to do a live one yeah oh yeah in the basement we started there we yeah yeah we did maybe the first 20 or so yeah in the base in the basement that rocked uh yeah come see us man let's get a bunch of chubby chasers in there make sure you bring a bunch of uh weird food for becker to eat yeah um

you know if you come up say hi we love you all we're really really grateful that you're with us and um thank you for listening to this solemn podcast do me a favor don't post about my mother no longer uh being alive anywhere listeners uh you know if you want to dm me that's fine that rules i love y'all but hey if you really want to fucking support me in my time of need how about you go get on the patreon how about that that's what my mom would have wanted you to put up five bucks a month to listen to us to a bonus episode. That's always very hilarious and very, uh,

you know, we get out there, we get wild, we get strange, we get dirty. It's after dark with Lundy and Becky. So yeah, get on the Patreon,

patreon.com slash Chevy behemoth, um, like rate and subscribe. We've never said that once. Cause we're not fucking pussies because it's so annoying i know like no shit if you like something support it like why do you have to constantly shill for it and and spell it out for people if it were 2009 maybe yeah you have to tell people they have to like rate and subscribe yeah but i can do that that does help us i yeah but they're doing it we got we got patreon people coming in droves every day we do got them damn

droves baby yeah but yeah there is a bunch of uh patreon episodes now so now you've waited for there to be a gold mine now it's ready to you know it's time to collect. There's 48. Sick. Get on there and honor my mom's memory by listening to us talk about women who have them for 48 hours.

Two days of your life, you can listen to us talk about things that made us nut. Weird things Becker's eaten. Places I've had diarrhea. And that's what my mom would want you to do. So go honor the late, great Betsy Talent. And, Mom, if you're out there, I love you, and thanks for everything. And I'm Paul Harvey.