Chubby Behemoth - Human Bunk Bed

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Ready To Be Pealed. Tummy Skin Stew. Versed In Curse   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

hey everyone thank you for listening to this episode of chubby behemoth we're about to have a lot of fun because sam talent just got back from japan also that's me sam talent but hey we wanted to encourage you to go sign up for the patreon chubby behemoth on patreon that's patreon.com slash chubby behemoth and get all your favorite friends talking and walking and squawking and singing but hey if you want to see us live nathan where can they see you come see me in chicago january 27th i'm recording a special so i'll do a bunch of my good jokes do all the good stuff and if you want to see me you can see me in milwaukee at broken bat brewery january 20th the 21st at the west Bend Theater. That's a huge fucking room. Hopefully we fill half of it.

I'll be at the San Francisco Punchline on January 28th. That's right. Two shows. Come and see me there. I'm co-headlining with someone, and you better believe I'm taking it personally. So I'll be burying them as hard as I can. February 2nd, you can see me in Birmingham at Saturn with me Nathan Lund and then you can see me in Tuscaloosa Alabama if you want to on the 3rd at Black Warrior Brewery featuring

me Nathan Lund but Lund won't be in Pensacola so maybe that's the one to go see I'll be at Vine in Pensacola Florida on on the 4th of february if you're not a lawn guy go to pensacola wichita february 9th tulsa february 10th oklahoma city february 11th san diego the 17th and 18th fargo north dakota the 24th and 25th go to samtalent.com but most importantly go to patreon.com slash showy behemoth so I can afford to buy a new couch because this one's ruined after I ate some cheese. If you want to know what we're talking about, get on the Patreon. Goodbye. Speaking of death, look at this.

You look styling. Do you get more hair? Yeah, I look good. Big surprise. You're addicted to haircuts update i rock what made you get the second haircut didn't get a second haircut you got you were there when i got the first haircut uh it looks like you got another one no so what what did i interrupt becker ate a bunch of bullshit yesterday and now i feel sick. No, I drank a lot. Now I feel like shit. What do you drink?

Let me guess. Let me guess. Melted whip topping. Bosco syrup. Nectar out of a bird feeder. Yeah. One right. Soy sauce because you thought it was more chocolate bosco syrup are you standing up yeah what's going on you gotta poop no uh in the noon place i've got

like a little office and i don't have a chair and i stood up when i recorded with pat and it felt good so i'm gonna let it ride okay well you're gonna stand up for two hours that'll be fun no i'll probably stand up and then sit for a while and then stand up later get in push-up position for 30 minutes i'm planking yeah i'm i'm i'm gonna plank i going to walk the plank because you two dumbasses. I'm upside down. Oh, yeah. You should definitely be mad at us because you couldn't figure out one hour this week where you could do a pod.

We didn't do your bidding. No, you're right. I should. I feel very lucky to be attached to two of the hardest working guys in show business. I didn't claim to be hard working. Well, excuse me, two and a half because you're such a big fat guy anyway i'm here i definitely didn't want to just watch football today on sunday my first day home after my rollicking adventures across the south seas oh yes yeah you deserve a break after your

giant break i do deserve a break yeah i know every moment of your day is packed with to-do lists. So, Becker, I want to tell you this. Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa. Yes. Let me say hello to a friend. More of a third grade language from Sam Talent. Look at me.

I can say something in a different language, and I'm going to say it eight times. Oh, I just wanted to greet my friend, Jacob. That's all. Okay. Well, we got that out of the way. Cool. Someone's jealous. Oh, yeah, Becker, I got you a bunch of cool candies.

If you were going to come over today, I was going to give you all these cool candies. I got you. Oh, damn. That would have swayed me, probably, because then I would have sugar to get home with, too. But we couldn't because the third because of an outlier from our group of trust i had nothing to do with what the two of you fuck faces decided to do with your day it's very true it's more that uh scoops fell out and then what what does that mean brett oh brett yeah well hiker couldn't figure out how to get into my house because another big fat dumbass with a beard that i have to do business with forgot to leave

the key in the lockbox i'm just surrounded by guys like me who don't act like me it's great uh emmy has fucking pink eye it's just it's a hellstorm over here damn how'd she get pink eye eating my ass yeah all right yeah we were in the polaris first class and she went rub a dub dub one nose in a in a in a tub yeah so emmy has pink hair she has a pink uh suitcase she has pink eye she has pink skin she's like a peeled shrimp she's pink pink belly from you smacking her i have never given her a pink belly but i have thumped her i've checked her tone is what we call it like a ripe watermelon exactly i want to see when she's ready to be peeled and if she has any seed in her.

I just got to see two of my old friends, Katie and Landon. Shout out, Katie, Landon, their kid, Jack. They're moving to Denver and they came south ways to say hello. So we had a nice couple of hours. Got to show them

a little bit of Trinidad. And yeah, it was a good time last time i saw jack he was a little baby he was like two months old and it's crazy how they keep growing when you don't uh visit you know unlike you sam i don't go see my loved ones and friends every month and a half yeah you're right you're not a good guy you are correct you don't take the time to go see people that you say you care about you're right no life gets in the way and it's expensive it's expensive i don't have a bunch of money to throw away on lavish trips i don't have any money man i scrape by no you don't no i don't and guess what i earned every fucking penny i was in first class flying home from old tokyo and i was like i don't feel bad about this at all i used to sleep in train stations i used to take greyhound buses 11

hours to go make 40 i have no regret for my success i think you should i think you should regret it you should feel bad you're like the jeff bezos of comedy you stepped on a lot of necks no i didn't jeff bezos came from money i came from a teacher and a lady who worked for the government i didn't have anything i had a couple of spies and then one became a super spy and then she died and i didn't see a penny from that so that's great no savings no emmy got all this fucking cash from her dad. I didn't see one damn red penny. What's that about? I never thought about that. Why didn't he get any cash?

What happened? Yeah, I didn't get shit when Dick Penis died. Well, yeah, you also didn't talk to him for eight years before he passed. I was there all the time with my mom. I put in the time. Taking trips. Yeah, hanging out with my mom enjoying her going oh how many airplanes did you count today very good mother yeah i mean did i get

any money when my mom died did i get any money when my mom died no i didn't meanwhile sophie's got a new grill all gold fronts now she got she got new tits now she has four yeah she has them they're like on her shoulders like a football player speaking of football these giants are running kurt cousins ragged that's fourth and three for the giants did you put any money down oh yeah i did nothing lavish just just 17K. Did you do the bills to cover because that didn't work out? No, of course I didn't put the bills to cover.

14 points, they were minus 14. That's a lot of points to just give a professional football team. With a guy who has played for two months, I don't even know how many starts he's had. 25-year-old rookie Skyler Thompson. Skyler. They kept saying his dad drove 15 hours to be here it's like why didn't his dad get a plane ticket his boy is a starting professional football player his dad not allowed to fly yeah due to a due to a bathroom airplane

bathroom incident he ruined it they had to scrap the plane they couldn't fly the plane anymore because he wrecked the toilet so bad he was dumping so hard while also smoking two cigars his dad known toilet wrecker had to drive 15 hours his dad accused of smacking the shit out of a tsa agent in logan boston logan airport yeah that's interesting he gave the pilot a titty twister they kept saying how his mom died when he was six right they couldn't get enough of that little tidbit yeah and also he got a bunch of money when his mom died they mentioned that yeah it's like now i'm rooting for the bills let's go josh yeah they were like they were like his mom and his grandfather died when he was six and it's

like one of those matters all right yeah yeah grandpa dies that's sad mom dies who cares he can't he's on the she's on the backyard whipping footballs at you. She's not running fly routes and eight-yard button hooks. Did the grandpa kill his own daughter and then himself? No, other way around. You can't control me anymore, father. Yeah, she fucked her old man to death. She fucked her dad to death, and then she realized what she did. They just make it all up yeah skylar thompson born with a nose for a penis born in born in blood he's born and then

the dad attacks the mom for having a kid out of wedlock she kills him but later dies of her injuries the tv show dexter based on his life yeah he's raised by a cop born a serial killer taught the code by jack thompson who cannot fly in the u.s he had to fly from he had to fly from cuba to canada and then yeah and then he smuggled in hitchhiked to buffalo oh did you see they they almost caught him picking his nose he almost certainly picked as soon as they cut away who's it daddy thompson the long haul trucker 15 hour thompson they mentioned the dad and they showed him and he was like sniffing and then he started like doing the big uh brush strokes you know the big strokes and then he started doing the uh upside like the underhanded stroking of

the sides of the nostrils such a dumb way to cover up it's like you it's like you're acting like you just discovered you had a nose yeah oh yeah i guess i'll smack it around a little bit now you put your finger in this one and this one he didn't go for it but i'll bet he did as soon as they cut away i thought they were i thought they were gonna stay on him and i was like cut away he's obviously about to pick his nose come on cam hour eight he's a single dad don't uh don't blast him we don't know. He's a single dad. Don't blast him. We don't know if he's a single dad anymore. Just because his wife died doesn't mean he has some new netting. He could be getting laid.

He used that old worm of his to hook some new bait. So you were in Japan. Looked fun. Looked good. Looked delicious. Wait, you saw those those i was only posting to friends and family yeah i saw all of it i have a burner i have a burner account that you think is somebody that you went to high school with yeah it's that lady with three boobs who just

randomly it's interest having them mud vein yeah i'm catfishing like this chick rules she's just like me well why can't it be christmas 365 days a year all right all right let her in she's she's in the close friends and family yeah yeah i would like to uh well we can talk about japan but it is very funny that they were so prepared for that football game to be bad because they thought the Dolphins were going to lose by 25 points that they were like, OK, OK, what are our talking points today? Dolphins, Finn Baylor, pro wrestling, wrestling with shadows. No, this is going to work. How about? Well, I heard that the quarterback's dad drove 15 hours

okay let's run with it wake up pat semoral's ghost let's get him in here they show google map this is the route he took there was some light traffic uh outside of schenectady yeah they've got the prompter up they're doing the yellow pens on it speed speed trap speed traps left and right but uh of course the dad uh thompson plotted correctly had uh plenty of time to cruise the speed limit occasionally going five over i already had a couple slices of casey's pizza the other let's go to melissa rivera on the field she's with mr thompson mr thompson uh was it true that you were eating only eating taco pizza no comment taco pizza no lettuce yeah they didn't have any breakfast pizza i was in a hurry to see my boy

get destroyed by the last the last time that there was any uh controversy it was because they tried to hammer home that uh like a rookie running back had a mom who was like hooked on all of the drugs and they wouldn't shut up about it he watched his mother turn herself out just to get another taste of that sweet sweet pipe and it was like dude this is fucked like what the fuck are they doing you know yeah it was that was like a couple seasons ago so it's funny yeah they have to like all right don't say anything about how the mom died just say that she died early and often and that poor mr mom had to raise eight kids on his own i yeah i remember who i'm trying to think what player that was whose mom was just like turning her sweet sweet ned now so ever if she could get more tastes

it might have been at the at the draft itself where they're just filling nine hours with oh yeah as much bullshit as they can and after do you remember that draft i can't remember what year it was it was when i was was in high school where the announcer kept confusing one young black man for another young black man. No, I don't remember that. He'd be like, oh, and look at Dante Culpepper watching from home. But it clearly wasn't Dante Culpepper. Al Roker is giving a weather report. good luck to that young man in this year's nfl draft al al rocare and then they're like oh who was that young prospect

al roker was so gross and it was fun to look at him and then he got skinny and it was somehow worse to look at him oh yeah he they took some part of him al porker in that surgery yeah he wasn't the same yeah it was fun to hear a guy be like it's gonna be windy in tampa bay but then when he's all skinny you're like just shut up just shut up and dance for me he wanted for me since he wasn't big he had to go from falling down to dancing yeah take your shirt off and show me all the flaps i just saw a video of a guy who had lost a bunch of weight and he was smushing the skin around and saying oh yeah it's because i i definitely regret losing a bunch of weight because of this extra skin and i was like you should just get it caught in a revolving door like uh go belly down on an escalator there's a lot of ways to get rid of that imagine that remember that guy who had a 17 inch

penis and he got caught in the escalator no what it's because i made it up that didn't happen that didn't happen what about this you stand in front of a jet engine but you're you're uh like locked into the you're like secured into the ground then they turn on the fucking jet engine and it sucks some of that skin off of you i think it would suck all of you into it though no but you're secure locked down oh so you've like you've seen you've chained yourself to the runway yeah yeah well yeah it's not it's not an accident you're doing it on purpose so you you get secure and you're like turn it on captain he's like all right you did win that coin flip that sounds i can't remember the course of events that made me decide this was okay to risk my pilot's license to rip off all your extra skin, Mr. Roker.

But by God, a deal's a deal. Or what if Al Roker should start up a restaurant where he's always boiling water and then he drops his flaps in there and he makes Roker stew? Oh, God. Making tummy skin stew. I'm going down to Roker's for a big bowl of Al. Honey, come in here. My broth is finished.

Emmy, how do you get rid of all the skin from losing a bunch of weight? You got to have surgery. She's not seeing clearly right now she's all pinked you got two days of or a day and a half of uh solitude before pat comes back and gets everything all greasy again. Yeah. How did he leave the house? What kind of house did you come home to last night? We didn't come home to a destroyed house. He threw away the Christmas tree, which would have been cool if it wasn't Emmy's antique Christmas tree that her dad left her.

That's not true. Yeah, it was true. It was real. It was a real tree. No, yeah, he threw away the Christmas tree. That was nice. It's not a wreck in here. It is weird, uh i don't know i should say this on his on his bed on his uh we got a we got a card what no don't say it no say it it's a page yeah so uh we got

we got a card from tobias livingston you know know, saying like, hey, thank you for a Christmas card of some kind. And there was photos of Tobias and his daughter in there. But the picture of Ashlyn was on Pat's bed. Uh-oh. It was on his pillow. And even weirder, in the pillow pillow there was a hole cut in it over you pick up the picture and then there's the hole underneath yeah and the picture was stuck to the pillow but he didn't use any kind of adhesive that i could tell it didn't taste like any glue i'd ever known of course yeah you immediately put it in your mouth yeah that's how i solve problems there

was all my senses there was a time long ago when you and i were whacking to ashlyn no you and i you and i yeah it's fine you and i you and i shows with Tobias, and then we ended up crashing at his house. And I stayed in the basement by myself. There's nobody else down there. I jacked it. And then the next morning, he was like, hey, you didn't. I don't know if we just talked about jacking it or something. Somehow it came up.

As men like to talk about whacking over breakfast breakfast i mentioned that yeah everybody update did you jack it or not who got off i said i jacked it and he was like come on man my i had i had my daughter's eight year old eight year birthday that down there and i was like yeah but it wasn't last night it's not like i whipped it out mid birthday party yeah you were like who wants to see a trick this isn't a shrine to that day like you have a computer down here did you use his computer no i think i used my phone but he acted like there was something weird about it because he had had an event down there at some point in the past. I was like, yeah, sorry. There wasn't any candles down here to blow out with my jazz.

So I went for it. Do you remember that time when we were on the road with Toby and we drove out of our way to go to that old man's house? Because he was smoking us some meat do you remember that no we got there and it was just like a it was like a breakfast sausage roll that he threw on the smoker and the inside wasn't cooked all the way it was just like raw undercooked breakfast sausage off of a smoker and we had to be like this is really good toby's old weird friend now was that the same trip as the high school union show that we did yeah i think so i mean i don't remember going to oklahoma with you and him more than once a bunch of times yeah so firecracker babies

fourth of july weekend extravaganza him and all of his old fucking haggard 90210 extra friends partying around us because they didn't want to go to bed because if they did the party would end that was yeah oh yeah they were partying in the place that we were trying to in the room where we were sleeping yeah the rest of the house apparently was off limits yeah we woke up to them dancing to get on the flow everybody do the dinosaur they were listening to that and like verve pipe unironically i cannot believe whatever made us think we were wise and we never oh yeah they were all going through it because it was their like 30 year reunion i think yeah i think it's their 20 year reunion and they were like god think of

what it could have been if this just kept gone going for the last 20 years it's like i just had to go to some fucking widower's cabin to eat bad breakfast sausage yeah i don't remember that oh i do and i remember toby being like it's good isn't it fellas and he's like he took his tooth out to gum it i don't cook it all the way because then i could choke check out this hat that i got what is that the history channel yeah official history channel merch part th i was over there working for the history channel in japan i couldn't say anything but now i can yeah you're a correspondent checking in from japan it's still here it's not a myth it is in fact an island but some say it's

a series of islands and i'm here to confirm that well it is i can't believe they gave us money for this pilot you didn't see any genki genki over there did you no i didn't see any weird squid sex on my nice vacation with my wife why not why not because i was too tall to fit in the chamber they didn't have a robe for me in the ganky chamber i forgot about that and that's how he got pink eye yeah oh she made she made a little money over there as well yeah they thought that her face was the squid they tried to shove it in they were like you know you know what i'll say this about myself i didn't do anything fucked up the whole time i was in japan i didn't do the voice my hands never touched the sides of my eyes like i never

did anything and we should applaud you no no not that i'm just like i'm surprised because like when we were leaving i was like damn man we really did a good job here we didn't blow it at all you only pointed out several swastika adjacent graffiti oh there were swastikas everywhere in japan they're not swastikas yeah i know that's what they say and they're like check out our cool swastika shrine every shrine over there has at least one swastika some of them have like a hundred and you're supposed to be like i get it it's a cultural thing then wink at your wife yeah dude so many swast but they're like upside down or inverted or they had their fingers crossed when they drew them i can't remember why they're okay

yeah they're the orientation of them is different than yeah they're not they're they're not they're non-binary swastikas so it's okay and they predate nazi germany by like 500 years or something yes and we just got a panhandler's pizza we're about to go nasty on it what is that's panhandlers is the restaurant it's a deep dish pizza and i love it it's good to be home it's actually i don't know man japan's weird first of all everyone's japanese crazy it is great i mean everyone's japanese you didn't see a bunch of tourists i if we would play count the white people and i think that we didn't have a 12-pack one time. Yeah.

Yeah, it's an ethno-state. That's why white supremacists admire it so much. But yeah, man. The blacks? Emmy, how many blacks did we see? I didn't count. Emmy didn't count. Yeah, sure.

Two, she says. Yeah, I think we saw two. Together? They were working on the streets. They had like in the Harajuku district on Takeshita Street, which was fun. It's called Takeshita Street. Do the math, boys. Yeah, now there's a wrestler whose last name is Takeshita.

Yeah, I know. I hung out with all the wrestlers and stuff. I went to Ribera Steakhouse. They gave me a jacket. It was awesome. Because you lied and said you were a pro wrestler? I didn't lie. They were like, Yokozuna. And I nodded. I did a lot of nodding over there.

When you... Yeah. Yeah, anyway, they really keep it Japanese over there. I mean, it sounds stupid. It sounds very juvenile. But when you wake up in your hotel and then you step outside and all you see are Japanese people for 10 hours, it's a bit weird. And they're doing everything we do. They're just like us.

Going to work, coming home. Coming home, getting tanked and falling down on the streets with their ass in the air was there a lot of that the boys like to have a couple i'll say that they like to tie it on we saw like three people fall down the stairs but that wasn't that crazy that was because you that's because i farted while walking up them yeah you set up a trap you poured some freezing cold water yeah well they'd never seen butter before i kept telling emily how cheese was a new thing to them and she was like what are you talking about but yeah cheese is like the new the new scene over there and i gotta tell them a bunch of cool cheese facts and

they don't understand a word of it because they're all japanese well how was the language barrier impossible impenetrable you just had to point at stuff gomen nasai means i'm sorry and erigato gozaimasu that means thank you and you have to do the voice when you say it or it doesn't make any sense uh erigato gozaimasu they'd look at you weird unless you turn into a cartoon arigato gozaimasu what are you fuck who is this guy they did there was some pointing and shaking the head at me you know but nothing crazy uh arigato gozaimasu and we just brought me pizza so i thanked her in the traditional thank you of our people we're straight up japanese now yeah it looked incredible i was very jealous of the sushi my god living down here where there is none and then to see where it all started and continues to come from oh my god the sushi good lord the sushi do they do all you can eat

or is it cheap or what um the only all you can eat that we experienced was there was a place by a train station and we walked in and they served uh they do these like little fried chicken nuggets over there they love fried chicken nuggets and they're available at most places so it was fried chicken nuggets uh curry rice i think soba noodle it was all you could eat for 30 minutes at this like standing stall and all you could drink we didn't do it but uh there's conveyor belt sushi which is not all you can eat but we stack 26 plates between the two of us yeah that was wild well yeah but also dude everything's 25 off there because the yen is down they're struggling and you swooped in to yes i wore profiteered yes for sure

yeah i was like uh i was like blackwater after iraq won i was just over there stacking bodies and getting away with it well and i guess those plates were impressive but it was probably nagiri like two pieces on each plate two pieces on a plate they didn't have any dynamite so you wouldn't have liked it psycho you don't remember anything i say unless it's embarrassing or personal and then you just file it away that you can blast me i was told i'm only twice i was like i love but hate it here there's no dynamite dynamite emmy is like corn and fake crab meat and cheese all melted down in one kick and enough of it yeah that's me oh man the shabu shabu shabu shabu was all you can eat we did that dude we really fucking crammed over there we went to the oldest fish market in tokyo

and we just walked into one of the restaurants there and we picked the right one because as soon as we went in like 15 businessmen were standing outside sharpening their blades like we really really nailed it and the chef just serves you food we had dinner at a homosexual uh teppanyaki restaurant that was fun i mean just the food the food man they really love food over there. They love booze. They love food. And they love working hard and pro wrestling. Nice. What was that candy strawberry all about?

The candy strawberry. Wouldn't you like to know, Becker? Yeah. The picture of that made me like borderline horny. So there's strawberry obsessed over there. And it's strawberry season. And like there's all these pop-up shops that just sell strawberries and they sell strawberries and they sell giant

green grapes and the giant green grapes are they're pretty good they're not worth the price but these strawberries they're pink they're red they're white uh and they dip them in some kind of like candy syrup and then they give them to you. So the strawberry inside is hot. And the candy syrup crusts over. And I mean, Emi, what do you think of the strawberries? They were really good. They were really good.

You bite into it. Thank you. It was like candy and fruit at the same time. It was like candy and fruit at the same time. That's what one-eyed MT says. Emi, are you supposed to be touching my food? have pink eye okay so i'm guys i'm gonna have pink eye here in a second but yeah the strawberries were available all over and uh yeah i mean so like in i i spent i bought four strawberries over there that cost like i think 28 just because i had to and i don't know

if they were worth 28 but it was fun to feel like uh like robert oppenheimer you know were they huge no surprisingly not not huge i would say as big as the meaty part of your your palm underneath your thumb when you make a fist yeah i just saw a picture and i don't think that there was a way to tell they looked big to me but what are you gonna do i got shrunk down i drank a potion and i'm tiny now so wait you're little everything looks big yeah i thought you were talking into a q-tip microphone i'm standing i'm standing on the table it looks like i'm standing in front of it i'm actually standing on it table it looks like i'm standing in front of it i'm actually standing on it because i'm like a foot and a half tall is that why you hung out

with landon to try and reverse the potions curse yeah he's he's a smart guy and he's pretty well versed in like in curse tech and computer stuff and but he couldn't he didn't have an answer for me bummer dude yeah you did look really small i thought it was a perspective thing i'm a little guy yeah that's so yeah the strawberry would be huge to me i was a little scared have you been sleeping in megan's mouth no she's been sick so i have to like stay away where do you sleep then next to her but i take up a lot less room i'm like my whole body's on the pillows instead of like stretching out aren't you worried that she's gonna crush you in the night

no she doesn't flop around oh man emmy and i were in some some beds and i was thrashing and she would be pissed yeah yeah i had my night my night thrash and she couldn't handle it what was the deal was it only on the way over the plane over that you had like the chair that goes all the way back into us like laying down position and it goes into the plane like you're down into the fucking guts of the plane yeah it lays completely horizontal and then it lowers you down. So you're hidden. So no one can find you. Yeah. You go down into the cargo bay.

You're just right next to the engines. Well, if you're cold, you go down to the engine. That's for sure. Yeah. That was crazy looking. Yeah. No. So remember how I was so obsessed with getting United 1K, like the ultimate on United? Yes.

So I finally got it. And when you get United 1K, they give you these points, 280 of these points. And you can trade the points to be upgraded automatically to first class. And to be upgraded automatically to first class, it was 80 points for each of us. So I just burnt all of my my points putting us both in first class and emmy is not built for first class she is a detroit hood rat in the sky in the sea underground floating whatever it is she does not deserve opulence so we get on first class and she puts on the pajamas they give you and right away she spilled

coffee all over her ass before we even took off she's just covered in coffee wearing used pajamas by the time we land she has a rash all over her body she's got a sky rash emmy am i lying she's claiming that the pajamas were mandatory because she spilled the coffee on her regular clothes. So the pilot came out and was like, hey, look, lady. You look like you shit your pants. You gotta put

on these jammies. And the PJs gave her a rash. So we were just in Japan for three days, and she was just recovered in welts she looked like a leper she looked like she escaped one of the lesser islands over there it was horrifying um but so yeah we were in those pods man and god i can never go back you did the same on the way back on the way home yes that's right pods pod god pod god squad number one to be rich in the air what a life it is but now i don't have any of those points so i'm just

fucked for the literally the rest of the year you have to start over i can't start over until 2024 oh you don't accrue them they're awarded awarded at a certain time. They're awarded once you reach January 1st. They drop the points on you. And Emmy didn't even like it. She wasn't even nice to me. She literally branded me. She did that thing

where you hold a lighter until the gas runs out and then she poked it into my thigh. That's how I woke up on the plane did you have a lot of places where you were too big oh my god everywhere i saw a couple instances where it was like oh damn like dude i was so big everywhere yeah and it wasn't even like funny after a while. The first couple of times it was like, but then like we'd walk into places. Yeah. Very good.

Okay. This is fun. Then we'd walk into places and you could just see that the staff was pissed. Really? Yeah. Cause there's these, all these places called is a Kaya's over there where it's like a

restaurant where there's like five to eight seats and they do one thing. So you supposed to pop in have a beer eat a piece of their food move along but when i would come in and like sit on a milk crate or some like you know ancient stool there wasn't room for the other three people who were there they would have to close yeah they just had to close down because i was in there not only because i ate all the eel that they had or the unagi whatever it was but also just because there wasn't any physical room the first place we walked into emily was like it's not it's not bad don't worry so we walk in and everyone hangs their coats on coat racks on like coat hangers and as i was just walking to my chair i snapped two coat hangers in half with my shoulders like the plastic coat hangers bent broke someone's jacket falls on the ground which is very dishonorable you're not supposed to let

your jacket touch the ground it's like the flag over here so yeah that was the first one we went into and uh and then we went into this one place that we were hanging out with this guy and he was like oh let's go to this one place it's cool because they have all these little alleyways called yacochos every neighborhood has an alleyway where it's just like 30 different bars all hidden and so we went to this one place and i didn't know but it was called the tiny bar and the whole theme is that it's tiny that guy wanted to get you in there he did yeah we we took a subway train just to go into the tiny bar and we walk in i posted a story of it where like my shoulders were scraping the walls and then i got upstairs and the bartender and

his like weird associate just started laughing and served me tiny beers yeah people had to leave when i came up the bartender was like out it only fit five and he booted out two so three of us could sit and his like strange associate just sat there and like nodded and licked his lips at me and my wife weird because i mean the sumo wrestlers are huge yeah but they never go upstairs they bring the world to the sumo yeah they're they're confined to the outskirts of town so they can't like break a bunch of curbs and shit yeah they have a whole sumo city yeah did you check it out no i didn't check it out that was the only that was the only big flaw that we had is i waited to buy sumo tickets and then they were all sold out because it was opening day of sumo season oh damn i know so i didn't

get to see any sumo and i was really sad about it and emily was like i don't care i don't fucking care how you feel this isn't about you this is about emmy and i have a rash she's just trying to like crack open bamboo so she can rub shit on her rash and try to make it go away yeah she tried to go full baby panda so that was rough man yeah i mean i'm just it would be really funny to go over there with me you like bori urist they wouldn't be allowed they would literally stop them at the airport they'd be like no no they would take their passports and send them home i'd have to go to korea yeah like luckily i'm tall

because i was spread out but like you sit on milk crates everyone's squatting like dude the stools are like six inches off the ground they want you to sit on it i would just move it aside and sit on the ground like a fucking like winnie the pooh why because you don't want to break the stool because my my knees and tendons don't bend that way oh yeah yeah yeah i can't i can't do the asian squat they take it they take it for granted that everyone can squat like them it's different that's literally one of the typifiers of the different physiology and humanity is some people can squat flat-footed and some can't okay and i can't you have an enzyme i lack an enzyme that's the issue well you lack the enzyme that makes you feel fullak when you squat i mean did you ever did you ever think about uh how insane it is when people are catchers in baseball just the life the life that you're

choosing to live it's like i remember being a kid and like trying it or whatever like when you're figuring out who's gonna play what and, and it's like, this is fucked. And it's like, oh yeah, I'll just, I'll just crouch, uh, like an hour and a half a game and I'll be fine. It's like,

no, you won't. What? Well, I was one of those kids who, it was just assumed that I would play catcher because I was huge. I was pretty much just like a backstop. You know what I mean?

Yeah. The ball would just hit you in the chest or body or head they gave me like a super absorbent padding on my stomach and they were just like oh he caught it didn't need his hand but i remember catching and i just i was one of those fat kids who knelt i was just on two knees back there oh yeah yeah that was that was such a sad display like there's no professional catchers who feel like no one that was like oh this guy's changing the game forever he's kneeling behind the plate it's not like being a lefty where yeah you have a couple on the team now yeah you're not you're not supposed to kneel back there yeah no you have a couple on the team now yeah you're not you're not supposed to kneel back there yeah no you have to you have to be fully squatted down i mean i think lun you would love it over there you really would yeah becker you couldn't go there ever but lun you would love it why wouldn't

i be able to deal with your crippling drug addiction weeds of crime there i know that's why i'm afraid to go yeah i didn't smoke any grass while i was there i heard that you can get it uh and i like a half a gram of weed for 80 what yeah half gram that's fucked because you're paying for the literal space that it takes up compared to cocaine yeah that yeah for smuggling you're paying for the price of its uh volume that it takes up huh yeah so like no one smokes weed over there no one does any drugs they just get torn out the frame crazy-eyed drunk i don't mean crazy-eyed you know i mean like oh there it is no i didn't i didn't mean it that way i meant googly-eyed you know

that kind of thing full gui guo they don't sing songs what like you were promised what do you yeah what do you mean like in the movies movies because it's a karaoke is this a karaoke thing no i think the karaoke is so popular because they have to be hidden in a chamber to do it like they can't sing on the streets no one's ever singing okay where where have you been where the streets were filled with song most of europe the streets are filled with song there's homeless there's homeless people oh dude there was not many homeless in old japan yeah they drown them dude it was like the safest place i've ever been i felt i felt like i could do anything over there and it was very easy this was the one place i've been where you can just be like i'm sorry like spitting on the ground

you know or like not paying for like a subway ticket you can just be like oh i don't know and they're like and the snorlax sends you on your way dude they love snorlax over there which was cool if i was over there for halloween i dressed as Snorlax. He was the big star? Well, yeah. He was big. They also love Metapod. Becker, are you familiar with Pokemon?

Yeah. Metapod, the pod version of Caterpie? Of Caterpie, yes. Before he turns into Butterfree. Yes. Yes. They could not get enough Metapod. He's like the unofficial spokesman of Japan.

That's really weird. Metapod didn't do anything. He could only do harden yeah it's a real lame ass oh metapod was one of the worst pokemon ever but they got him on the stamps over here he's on he's on the money yeah yeah what you you had a bunch of yen that you insisted Emmy bring. Why did you have yen already? Because they're a cash-based society. Okay, so you just knew to get it ahead of time. Yeah, I did the research. You're supposed to walk around with yen.

And you didn't get robbed. No one commits crimes there. The only crimes they do is they do a little honking on the subway. Big deal. Jacking it or honking other people? Honking the chicks. There's a bunch bunch of like uh all of their all their psas emmy got honked constantly and you're like well it's a part of the culture hey emmy don't be rude she had to say yeah yeah it was like emmy you better start appropriating all these gropes

let them have a honk emmy they ain't never seen a pair like that appropriating yeah yeah there's like that one porn japanese porn star that has them more than like the next dozen that come along she's like sick though she has like yeah she's dying she has like weird what's it called some kind of mastia hyper mastia where they're so big that she can't she has to like walk around in a cart they just take her from one gangbang to the next gangbang and like an apparatus or a wheelbarrow they fold her up yep they're like going aside and i got the goes they moss yeah she didn't get did you see people get honked no but they have psa's all over the subway that's like a guy a drawing of a guy with his hand underneath a lady's skirt and then there's a bunch of dudes

filming him and then there's like an x through it yeah so it's like don't i can't tell if it's don't honk on the subway or don't film someone being honked on the subway don't honk without a permit yeah yeah yeah you have to like go to the imperial palace and they have to teach you a dance but yeah the lack of song was really startling to me that's what you mean though right is nobody was busking no no i mean like you know when you walk around the bars in europe people are like none of that in japan yeah very similar to germany in that way that and the swaths and there's no swaths in germany shit they can see they crack down on that

there's gonna be funny if they they they got really into the confederate flag they're like hell yeah hey this is this is the other one that we're that we're gonna appropriate instead if you don't want the swa we'll we'll go across the pond for they just have like a shinto revival it's like most of germany has become adherence of the shinto religion when asked why they said none of your business oh dude i made a couple million yen on the tokyo big boy circuit okay explain tummy table human bunk bed that sort of thing you're gigging instead of having a beautiful asian woman nude with sushi on her you had to lay down

you get covered they called me jungle james it's all a write-off because i just i just go and act like a slip and slide for a couple of drunk businessmen it's lubed prone they lube me up they slide all over me and then they drop a big bucket of yen and whenever i can get to stick to my body i gotta keep oh wait what about uh where a lot of the did a lot of the bathrooms have the the hole in the ground that's china you idiot i thought it was japan too no but for 15 million yen i let them treat me like the whole of you got in a hole in the ground it was like that polaris pod where they dropped me into the ground and i stood there with my mouth open and boy did they sing then dude I saw an 8 year old's dick

oh no what the fuck this is for sure the page I saw a nude boy with his father who was also nude while I was nude where were you I forgot also nude while i was nude where were you together i forgot about that

oh my god what where were you oh well okay let me slow this down i had a dream about my mom while i was over there where she like sang me a song and I could smell her and I woke up crying and then I went to take a shower and I was just standing in the shower laughing and Emily was like what are you laughing at and I said to her I made a couple million yen in the Tokyo big boy circuit tummy table human bunk bed that sort of thing I've just been waiting to say that again to someone else I said it on stage in Tokyo

and no one laughed nobody cared like yeah that's how people that's how people make money over here human bunk bed's so funny to me one sleeping on my head and then i hold the other one

they're freaks there was a whole cafe where you could just pay a you could pay to go hang out for a half hour with otters and they just had otters crawling all over people whoa that rules it doesn't they're gross they're oily i know that they're oily as hell and they reek like shellfish but yeah there was just this guy this guy in the harajuku district we walked by and they were just an otter on his head what about this nude boy let me hear about this okay so oh i almost threw up the uh there's something called an onsen have you heard about this no okay so the onsen is uh it's like a traditional spa it's like a public bath and in our hotel in kyoto there was an onsen so we're like let's check this out so we go down there and there's separate onsens one for

girls and one for boys and i went in the boy one and i walk in wearing a giant carhartt shirt and some of my very short shorts i'm like i'm gonna go swimming this will be fun and i walk into the onsen and there's just a nude boy and his father in the water and i look at the sign and it says no clothes so then they proceed to watch me strip nude and take a shower you have to shower before you get in. They're throwing yin at you. Yeah. I had to take my clothes off in front of this child. He says, slower. Sing a little song, fat man. Make it it count make it sweet for my boy

you're his birthday present if you play your cards right he's also yours he's top bunk oh so yeah i just had to like strip off and take a shower in front of these two generations of Japanese guys. And then I went and sat in there. But, you know, I'm just sitting there nude in my corner looking like that meme of the guy who's like, remember that meme of that Russian guy who's sitting in the he's like sitting in the waterfall. It's like in my lane doing my thing. No. Okay. So, yeah, I'm just in the corner looking like a toad and meanwhile this japanese boy his penis is everywhere why what do you mean why

he was in the pool wasn't he yeah but there's like i don't know 36 inches of water in this pool it wasn't very deep okay so he's like standing up and i don't want i mean i didn't stare at it but you know he's like he's a little boy in a pool he's having fun yeah he's splashing around and his father's sitting there so they stand up oh yeah his dad pubeless not a hair on his body i don't know if the japanese get pubes uh i think they do yeah do they yeah they get straight pubes interesting like eyelashes that's why they pixelate the genital area because the pubes are very upsetting because it's so bizarre yeah because you can't come nobody nobody was jizzing over there so everybody was on edge

and they're like we gotta do something about this they're like what if we couldn't see the weird pubes interesting let's try it next thing you know everybody's being a lot more chill after they blurred out the pubes yeah so my penis was as big as the little boy's penis he was all stoked i don't know i don't i mean they never this is it's just weird to be to know that you are imprinting a memory on a child that he will never forget yeah it's like the fifth naked body that he's seen the first one outside of his immediate family and it's yours it's me and his dad is smooth and you're hairy all over very hairy and his dad's you know skinny and i'm not skinny so yeah and then they

just watched me strip nude and then get in the shower and then you got in the onsen and i'm not skinny so yeah and then they just watched me strip nude and then get in the shower and then you got in the onsen and i got in the onsen with them and sat there for a while i don't speak japanese we didn't you know say anything there was like a nod and then they got out and then i did my cool little like frog walk through the pool which i love to do a low water pool and you kind of frog around so you watch them shower obviously i totally did yeah they go and they they shower off so that was my first time in the onsen and the second time i went in there i pretty you were like i gotta i gotta get some more of this action well i was like i'm not gonna let that i already did weirdest thing ever, which was go be nude in front of a nude boy.

It can't get any weirder now. While Emmy was next door. So hold on. So Emmy was next door. So I go back later the next day or whatever. And I pregame a little, you know, I pad my stats. What? I put a little donut on the bat. You're working yourself into a chubbed up half frenzy for in case you see another boy and yes i guess that's it wasn't for the boy it was just it was for the dad i mean i wasn't trying

to assert dominance but i didn't want to go in there you know limp i didn't know what i was walking into but now that i know i know how to uh play by the rules you're getting in the cab i think that boy had worked up a little bit before i got in there yeah would you rather be as limp as possible if you're gonna be naked in front of a child great question becker i don't know i don't know what the best way is do you want to like you know be like hey this is what a man looks like no or do you want to be like hey boy you've had no effect on me that one that's that one i mean i don't i wasn't getting fluffed up for the boy i wasn't getting fluffed up to the boy it wasn't like i had the boy in my head and i was like nice

that was not the situation the situation was like i can't i gotta represent the united states i had the whole country on my back oh god yeah okay so you get chubbed and no one was in there ah so you finished no i didn't finish but it was fun to kind of be honking your horn nude in a public bath and then what was emmy's deal you just edged no no i didn't get rigid like i didn't get to the point where if i were to slap it on a table it would make a fun sound just okay i didn't the bare minimum yeah yeah just like you know 35 percent choke hold i didn't want to be size cucked by some boy. If he came in, I was like, Hey boy,

look at this. This is what a man can do when he has a little bit of time to prepare. Just in there singing. So I'm in there with a boy sometimes other times I'm not. And I asked Emily, I'm like, what's it like in there? And she's like,

Oh, it's cool i met these australian women and i was like okay that sounds fun the next morning we go to breakfast it was four fucking hot as hell australian blondes emmy's just in there just you know living it up with some sweet pieces of south hole with some down under smilers and i'm in there with a boy you know choking up so that he knows that he's not the number one

Ichiban is number one isn't it hey join the Patreon everybody please patreon.com gets you another episode every week. $5 for a month of

podcasts. Or if you join for a year, you get one month free. So do that. Alright. Thank you, everybody. Arigato gozaimasu. Sayonara.