Chubby Behemoth - I Feel Better Now

Episode Date: October 11, 2026

Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1     SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: HIMS - Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ https://hims.com/CHUBBY     Tushy - 3 million butts love TUSHY. Get 10% off TUSHY with the code CHUBBY at https://hellotushy.com/CHUBBY #ad     ZocDoc - Taking care of your health just got easier – start here with Zocdoc: https://zocdoc.com/CHUBBY #sponsored     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all remote again. Sam is in Dayton getting a dog, doesn't want to say "come Turd", and tried to build a fairy wall. Nathan wants to live in the woods, got a chance to be bitchy with the youth, and tried to teach a friend about spit.     00:00 Worst Opening Ever 01:01 Been Busy 02:51 Pants Off 03:46 Twist Them A Little Bit 05:23 You're About To Find Out 06:45 Thanks For Coming 08:45 Kind Of 10:37 The Bowl Troll 13:27 Gotta Slow Down 16:08 Bruised Heel 19:29 Tries To Eat You 21:23 Crank It 24:25 Most Guys 25:37 Too Much Goldenrod 26:57 Keep The Party Going 29:49 Allowed On An Airboat 32:38 Don't Ask Him 35:58 Now This Is Called A Dab 39:25 A Big Old Bag 43:50 You Should Get Three 46:20 Man's Gotta Work 48:08 Plenty Of Room 52:23 Off Of Mint Leaves 55:31 Do You Have Lotion? 57:30 Gilded Cage 59:35 They're Awful     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Oh, that'd be the worst opening for any podcast ever. I'm not going to leave it in. A man blowing his nose directly into their eardrops. Yeah, it cuts us sometimes. So we got a couple seconds before I like to go in usually. All right. I just saw Lund's tiny cup. That's a delightful little cup you got there.

It's not tiny. It's too tiny. It's a little showed cup. It's a juice cup. I like it. It's like drinking out of me. That's how I feel. A tiny little cup.

Yeah, a little chode man full of water that a giant sipping out of with its big wet lips. Why wet lips? It's Lund. Lund has wet lips. Oh, Lund's sipping out of you. Yeah, he's the giant. I'm the cup. You can't follow this?

I didn't realize he was your giant. Blow your nose again. Welcome to Chubby Behemoth, everyone. It's Sam. It's Lund. It's Becker. I'm not going to tell you which one's which. Do your own research.

Figure it out. It's been a thing for six years. Yeah. I just woke up from a nudge. nap and I'm pissed why I'm over it man I've been busy and it sucks I hate being busy I want to live in the woods I'm sick of people being like hey like I'm gone and then when I show up in Trinidad everybody's like hey come here and I just I just want to the fancy spider festival is happening I would have liked to have just watched some bands but everywhere I go

Hey, you've been busy? Tell me everywhere you've been. It's like, I don't want to. So then I just have to like tell all these people that I like. I like all these people. Yeah, your friends are happy to see you is what I'm hearing. Yeah, except I don't want to have to recount everywhere that I've been and how was it? Where were you?

What did you eat? I just want to be a guy. So I wish I could be invisible. I wish I could have a different head that I could put on where I'm just like some. other person that nobody wants to talk to. You need to hire a phalanx of big men like Ron Whitehead when we all gathered around him so he could watch music at Pouty's Roadhouse. You should do that to go to Fancy Spider. Just get Pyscher, Carlos on Stilts, Broad Becker, and just have them like a cocoon you. There was a band that I wanted to watch right now. And so when you said, can you guys go seven to eight?

I was like, of course. It's like the one time I wanted to see a certain band, but... You wouldn't have gone. What's the band? I don't know if I would have gone. I might have stayed home, but I didn't have a choice. I had to work. I had to talk more about where I've been, what I've been doing.

But to you guys. So it's different. At least I get to be home. And I'm bottomless. Oh, I am too. I'm also pants off. Damn. Are you completely?

Are you completely bereft? I'm wearing my little boy underwear to go with my little boy sippy cup. Those underwear are bonkers. That's like the first thing I see some mornings is you scampering to the bathroom in your tiny little undies. And I'm like, did I die in my sleep? Is this pan? Is that pan over there or puck? You don't like those because they're very small.

They're briefs. But there's no hole for my dick. balls to come out of like my boxer shorts. So it's kind of a lose-lose for you. Either they're very small or there's a good chance that my wiener comes out to say hello. So you're always in danger. I've never seen your penis or balls when you were in your old undies. And I guess it kind of makes me a bit maudlin knowing that I missed that opportunity. I try to, you know, I try to, if you kind of twist them a little bit one way or the other, then the, the slit is not dead on in the middle

and it's less likely that they're going to come out. I know. I didn't know if anybody was doing that. No, I pulled my panties to the side to, you know, keep some hookups from seeing my morning penis. It's like the first time they see it with any light on it and you're like... Sober. Yeah, exactly.

Not, you know, not hard. It's just like mourning, flaccid, gross. So yeah, yeah, you got to tuck it away. The only other person who wore undies like you that I know is Andrew Polk. So when I see you in your underwear, I also see Polk in his underwear. And then it's like hard to put the two of you in the same space. We also both say, oh good. Oh, good.

Yeah. He also hates when his friends are happy to see him. And he has to tell them where he was. Mm-hmm. Yes. Well, your version of Busy, what did it? I want to hear about everything. I want to hear about the special.

I want to hear about the whole thing. just the special going up doing the special and then coming home to the the comedy part of the fancy spider festival was today so uh and last night i went to mutiny to bring some records over that megan had bought um and there was music there so i didn't hang out very much because i just can't my anxiety goes crazy even like watching music i just start thinking oh who's gonna who's gonna who's gonna come say hello who's gonna is anybody else gonna show up and then i just say i don't have to be here so i'm gonna go home hang out with the dogs because they don't ask me where i've been they're just glad that i'm home and then we hang out you're about to find out you're about to get a dog yeah i'm in dayton ohio getting a dog oh yeah on your way to toledo or is it dating it's been dating the whole time i thought it was toledo for a second and then no one's dating.

Hey man, I'm in suicidal tendencies, man. What a... Surf's up. Serfs up, locals only. Hey, Lund, where have you been, man? I haven't seen you in a long time, that's saying? That was Carlos today. Yeah.

Hey, Lund. Where you been, way? Yeah, the special filming went well. Pat was happy. was happy. Oh, yeah. Good crowd. Cobos crushed right before me.

Everybody did good, but Kobos really brought it. And he was like, I figured your crowd might like my stuff. I was like, oh, yeah, that's why you were up right before me. And then I was a little worried that I brought too many good comics and I was going to have to wake them up, but they were good. There was an old couple right up front and the old man, it's like maybe he smiled twice. And it's like, all right, thanks for coming, uh, wandering in. and then looking confused for most of my set.

I just kept looking at him being like, I'm glad you sat right up front so that you could figure out whether you like comedy or not tonight. But the rest of the crowd was like podcast people, lung guys. One guy blew it because when I said how I mostly listened to Chevelle, he said Chevelle and I couldn't hear him. So I was like, what did you say?

And he was like, I said, Chevelle. And I was like, cool. Remember when I said, don't talk? because I'm filming this. And he felt bad and gave me $10 after the show, which I accepted because I deserved it. I told him. And it was like people were fighting every urge to do what they weren't supposed to do.

It's like as they had more drinks, they would like start to murmur a little. And it's like, no, please just shut up for a little bit longer. And that was fine. You know, that was funny because he was trying to be supportive. He also said, I thought everybody would say it. And I was like, I'm not a big deal. It's not like everybody here knows all my shit and it's excited to participate.

And for a filming, I don't want you to say anything. Whether it's a show of support or not. I'm not a big deal. Then you point to the old man up front who's asleep or doing Sudoku. And you're like, look, we had to bust this guy in from the old folks home. He's a seed filler. He thinks I'm talking about cars. It smells like he's a pants filler right now.

Jesus. I don't know what's up with your day. I don't know why they must have won tickets earlier in the month and they were about to expire. Both of them. There were, yeah, there were a bunch of people who knew about us. Oh, there were three very young people that had a great time. And we're like, please come back. We want to see more comedy here.

And I was like, well, there's a lot of good comics that come here. and they were like, kind of. And so that was funny. I got to be bitchy with them. I got to be snide because I was on their side. Rodriguez is still, you know, there's a lot of co-owners of the comedy fort. And when you gave $100 to get 10% of that club in the early days, you were also guaranteed three weekends a year.

So he has to honor that, you know. So he's kind of hamstrung. Loyal to a fault. He loves people owing him a favor. So I get it. Like if you have a club, bringing a stinker, and then you can get booked in Portland. It's easy. Yeah, we didn't get into details. I was curious if they, I'm guessing they had maybe just come to a couple random shows and weren't impressed. They were very, it was two, uh, young ladies and a dude and they all looked under 21. I'm guessing they were early 20s,

but it was cool that they liked me. They probably like co-bos too. A bunch of people. So no, no, no, everyone likes Lent. What about how, where'd the cameras go? Did you guys have cameras on stands? That's not my business. There were several, I think we ended up with four or five cameras, mostly in the back of the room.

There's one that the club has like in the back hallway, you know, sticking through the wall. That's a nice, like mid, middle of the room angle. The 360 was right above me. And then Joe was in the back, almost straight on. Joe was roving? No, no. He stayed, I think, in one spot. And then set up another camera.

So, yeah, I don't know how. I think maybe he was zoomed in. And then the other one sort of. If you had the bull troll with the moving camera, and it's Joe trying not to be in people. way, which just means it's me trying not to be in the way. And he's like, oh, sorry. How did I hit you with my ass? Oh, my bad, dude. He's like talking the whole time. Sorry, Cam. Yeah. Whoops. Whoops. His butt cracks out. Yeah. Oh, my bad, dude. The whole time. Yeah. No, I think he stayed in, in one spot.

And then the other cameras were set up ahead of time. Pat, Pat was smart because he said, let's meet at the Ford at two. And I was like, It's kind of early to ask Joe to be up there. But we needed time for them to coordinate. And then the sound guy, Sky, came in and they made sure the crowd was miced because that was not the case with soups on. And so, you know, we all wanted everything to be ready to go. And yeah, at the end, Pat and I were both happy. Hey, everyone, join our Patreon.

It's really good. Everyone loves it. They're always saying, that's some good Patreon right there. It's $5. millions of episodes go ahead come with it now if you want to see us live comedy club of kansas city the 15th 16th 17th of october come on out uh bentonville arkansas right there in northwest arkansas for the big diamond comedy festival see see the wrestling show with me in lund i'm headlining a night it'll be great uh let's see governors in long island that's happening on november 4th

as well as bell house which is not on my website good work punch up live bell house in new york November 5th. That's going to sell out. Get the tickets. But what won't sell out? The Hartford Funny Bone. So get those the sixth and seven. Who knows? You know, God is dead. What else is there? I'm in Loveland. Oh, go ahead. Oh, just comedy works for Thanksgiving, helium, Philadelphia, and then Royal Oak. I think I'm going to film Royal Oak. Nice. I'm going to be headlining Verboaten Brewing in Loveland. Wednesday, October 28th. I'm also headlining the Sunday after Sam's Thanksgiving weekend, which is November 29th.

And I'll be at Sisyphus Brewing, December 26th, and ringing in the new year, saying hello to 2027 at Go Bananas. So we'll do shows on the 31st and January 2nd. That'll be a blast. Yeah. Sincere. The crowd was, you know, I thought about when I told you to slow down. And I told myself, you know, you got to slow down. I'm not trying to fit all of this into 25 minutes and, like, kill them.

I wanted everything to be deliberate. And I had to do a thing which I hate, which is stay in there while they finish laughing. Normally, I just keep talking. and it feels so weird. I think I said something like it just feels like you're just smelling your own fart where it's like, yes, laugh, laugh at me, the king. Correct response, yes, yes, it sucks. It feels so unnatural to just be like, mm-hmm, that's right.

Keep it up and then slowly, slowly stop. I'll be right here ready to kill you again. We both step on a lot of laughs that most comedians would be like, oh, my, God, this is the most laughs I've ever got. I want to be buried in this moment. It's like, no, hand the ball to the ref, say another one, kick the field goal. Yeah, it feels self-indulgent, but it is not when it comes to just wanting everything to sound, to come out clean. But it was nice that they were still, they were still really good for me and throughout.

And I did a couple random jokes at the end that I don't think are going to be in there, but I might have them just be clips. Whose jokes were those? I wore Ronnie Dangerfield, Dr. Vinny Boombats. I wore that black cowboy shirt that you gave me. Oh, sick. Which I didn't expect. I brought random shirts.

A few of my newer plaids kind of looked too similar to the brick wall that's behind. You know, that is the backdrop. So Pat and Joe agreed that. that that cowboy shirt was the way to go, even though it felt a little much, or it's just not me per se. But it did look good, and I'm glad that they said something so that I wore it.

Well, anyone who wears a flannel, you just look like Canane. So it's like, yeah, wear a ridiculous shirt in your special. It's fine. Yeah, I'll get the cowboy crowd, the cow poaks. But tough guys. Wyoming.

You're going to be the number one Wyoming comedian. Out of the way, Toeblank. sell tickets in Casper. It's a nice theater up there. Oh, yeah, the Rialto? I heard they're packing it out. Just kidding. A lot of people do sell tickets.

I did not. Okay. All right. I mean, I don't know. God bless them. I hope it's working out up there. Becker, you didn't go to the comedy special, right? No.

You weren't allowed. No, I was allowed. I just, I'm tired. I also fell down a flight of stairs on Monday night and bruised my heels. really bad and ripped my finger up pretty good but mostly bruised my heel to like living fuck today was the first day i could like walk on it where was the flight of stairs like at mike's house i got off the plane and like had a little headache and then by the time we got to his house i had like a migraine where like i couldn't open my eyes and went and fell asleep and then woke up at three o'clock in the

morning having to piss really bad and he's working on his upstairs bathroom so i was going downstairs to use the other one and still. Your eyes still closed? No, but I still kind of had a headache. So I wasn't really like taking everything in. I was kind of like, you know, keeping, keeping my eyes barely open even in the dark because it's still just everything hurt. And I was holding the handrail, which is how I ripped my finger up and just missed, missed the stairs. Nate shit's so bad.

It was so loud. It was crazy. I feel better now. Yeah, yeah. Faking it. Now that helps that you went ass over, ass over tea kettle, like Mr. Magoo.

Landed all heel. It was all heel. All of, all of my weight and force went right into my right heel. I didn't know you could bruise your fucking heel until it was all gross.

Now it's just like kind of gray, but the first day it was like green. It sucked. It was, was so bad. It was so fucking bad. Did you have to drive with it? Yeah, I had to take my shoe off and just like drive with my big toe basically because it even like if I was holding my foot in the air, even just flexing my foot, you're fine to laugh at me, Sam. No, no, there's nothing funny about this. It would hurt so bad when like the cup of the shoe would press on my heel. Oh, I feel like I've

bruised my heel. I feel like I've felt that. pain it sucks it's really bad nuts it's crazy you have a gray foot now yeah i've just been like around the house until today and today i went on my walk and it started to hurt like halfway through my walk and i was like fuck that we're doing this and finished and now it's you walked on your bruised heel pretty good yeah oh the whole it's the way through falling apart yeah it didn't it didn't it didn't hurt today. I can still, even after my big walk, I can put all my weight on it, not wins. So it's not fucked up or

worse. I put on brand new shoes. So very soft, brand new socks. Yeah. So it's good news for you. I wish I had a tape of the fall. Some kind of like infrared camera for Mike's house

or something, because he used to have cameras in that room. And the next morning when I was looking around, they're not there anymore. So I don't have any footage of me beefing it Mando for you guys because it would have been really good Well, I had a I can imagine it I had a I had a half hour brutal soul-crushing panic attack last night So if that run yeah yeah yeah good

I'm hoping this dog hates you and tries to eat you Sure yeah Emily was like what if the dog's sad and I was like what if the dog rapes me immediately? What if the dog rapes me immediately? What if the dog jumps on me and fucks me. And she was like, what do you mean? And I was like, well, it's the same as you being worried about if the dog like doesn't like our carpet. It's like, we don't know. We can't be worried about it.

The possibilities are endless. Yeah. It's like we're adopting a foster dog, you know, and it's like, look, we all know the issues with foster people. It's hopefully like, you know, we don't bring this dog home and it fucking exploits all the other dogs in the house and teaches them how to smoke. So, yeah, we'll be. there's no reason to be worried about the dog at all.

And if the dog isn't good, guess what? We live by the lake. So take a mile long walk. It's fine. Only one of us comes home. The dog's like, I don't want to walk into the woods alone at night, mister. I'm like, you're scared. I got to walk back by myself.

So yeah, it's like, I grew up in the country. All my dogs would just like disappear for three days, like drifters and come back with like head tattoos. So it's like the being so, we're getting a fence. other than that, the dog will figure it out. You know, you let him out. Hopefully he doesn't eat too much Foxglove, whatever. You're going to fence the front?

Yeah, yeah, we got a fence in the backyard, and we're going to do like a gate situation in the back. But yeah, he'll be completely safe. I'll wake up, let him out, have my coffee, you know, do my stuff. A couple hours later, go see if he's cool. Hopefully he makes friends with some of the squirrels. the Cardinals back there. But yeah, I mean, he's fine.

I'm going to call him Tird or Beannis. His name's Baxter Bean, so he's going to be Tird or Beanie. I'm not calling him Beanie because that's your dog. And Baxter, I want to be at the park saying, Baxter, that's enough. No, Tird, chill, chill, Tirt. And we're working on our commands. So instead of come, I don't want to teach it, come.

So I was like, what if we had like, and like burn it or spin them or crank it. I like crank it. Because I don't want to say, turd, come, come turd. I want to be like, that's what you say in the bathroom. Losey, turd. Go on get. Yeah, or instead of like sit, like hunker, bow down.

Papa squat. Yeah, Papa squat. Papa squaw. A papa squaw. Anyway, that's where we're at. But yeah, I had a fuck. Emily was like doing work on her computer and I was playing City Skylines. And then she went to the bathroom to take a dump.

And I was like, fuck, what if I just like have a stroke on this couch and I die while she's in the bathroom? And then I ran upstairs because I was in full flight panic. Just out of nowhere? Oh, dude. There's nothing leading up except you've been busy. No. So that's where your mind goes. What if it all ends?

What if all of this cool potential stuff does it? happen because my brain pops well well yeah i mean yesterday i was on the phone for like four hours like having to be like very decisive and like kind of kind of like hey i don't give a shit like we can go somewhere else if need be like i was like you know they're second guessing the person who's hosting s and l like what the fuck are we even talking about anymore you know so like i had all that I mean, Lund, it's not a competition, but like, my busy would kill you. Like, you would explode. That's why I don't do more stuff.

I don't want to. I get it. I get it. I don't have to. Megan doesn't want to be gone more. Right. Well, so this was my symptom was like my brain popped out of nowhere. And then she came back and she was like, I'm on the phone with my mom.

And I was like, why? And I was like, please. And she was like, why? You having a panic attack? And I was like, yeah. No. She was like, yeah. Something.

Something else? No, I shit my pants. No, I came up with a fun new command instead of come and I need you to. No, yeah, my brain's ripped in half. How did she know? No, my worst fears have become manifest and now they're screaming in my ear. Yeah. So, yeah, that was a tough 30 minutes.

And then when it was over, Emily was like, well, that was whirlwind, huh? And, like, dusted off her hands and went back to work. And I was like, yeah, that was fucking crazy. I'll be back on the couch. You're at home, you said? Oh, yeah, right there in the big yellow. I don't know about you guys, but most guys aren't fully satisfied with their sex lives. You wish she had a third one or a fifth hole or whatever.

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who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. Individual results may vary. See hymns.com for full details. And you get the dog tomorrow. Yeah, and we're in Dayton tonight. And like as soon as we landed, like I was with you guys. from the 21st until whenever we left St. Louis.

And then I land and my aunt and uncle are here. So like I also wasn't alone until yesterday. And then like, buy, sell. It was the fucking Tokyo cookie exchange live in my house. What did Tom have to say about your garden? Oh, he was cool. We was just like, it's too much golden rod. And then like day three, I was like,

you really hate the golden rod and aunt julie was like he's allergic to goldenrod and i was like oh that's why you want me to eradicate it all and he's like yeah yeah it's a weed but also it makes me sneeze we dug up like four stumps uh we weeded a bunch of stuff he got out the clippers and took it to my mulberries yeah he was he was solid he was very impressed him and my aunt cried a couple times your mom would love this your mom betsy would be so proud of you guys I had Julie, we went and got Coney Islands, because that's all my Uncle Tom wanted to do, was go to Bell Isle and look at birds and then get a Coney Island. So we get a Coney Island downtown at American. And Aunt Julie's like, they have stroves on the menu?

I guess I'll have a stroze. Next thing you know, we're at the liquor store buying 30 stroves. Really? She wanted to keep the party going? Yeah, dude. Yeah. So she's like, let's get another stroze or two. So we go to the liquor store.

they're like we sell stroes in 30s and she's like well you guys will have a couple extra pops left over and then i was like you're not allowed to leave until these strows are gone my uncle tom was like don't challenge me with a good time so yeah i think they dented half the case yeah now you're back at the same where you left off when we did the event at post you were like oh i can get rid of all these beers that have been accumulated from the party and whatever else and now they're you have a bunch more. Yeah, for you.

Yeah, 22 more, 20 more in there. For you and Emily to look at. Make Emily. I said, she drinks everything else. She can't, she's allergic to beer.

She'll put anything else inside of her if it fucks her up. But she can't have some stroes. Well, she can't soak a tampon in beer and get wasted. Stroes with her bros. Yeah. She doesn't see the point if it doesn't get her blackout without the calories. So,

yeah, that's how you get a yeast infection, brother. What band did you want to see, Lund? The Deslawns are a country band from New Orleans, actually. Oh, yeah. Did I talk about the couple in Cincinnati that I was like, they said that they went to New Orleans last year for Skankfest. And I was like, did you love it?

And they were the only people ever to respond. Yeah, I mean, it was okay. I was like, wait, what? And I wanted to hear more, but like people kept coming up. I was signing a lot of books after you signed them. And people wanted to say, thanks for coming. And I wanted to ask this couple, like, where did you go? What did you eat?

I think they said they don't like seafood. So that was maybe part of the issue. But it's also like, why did you not love probably the greatest city we have? It's like that or Boston or Chicago. Like, I don't know. Did you try to buy cocaine on bourbon and get robbed? Yeah, you get pistol whipped. Yeah.

Somebody puke on you. Maybe they got sprayed with the Bourbon Street Cannon like you guys. Maybe they got human trafficked and sprayed. Then they're in their storage container having diarrhea and puking. Yeah, I wanted to, I can't remember where they lived. I don't think it was Cincinnati because I think they've seen us a few places. So they're somewhere around in the Rust Belt. But yeah, I was like, why?

They said they walked around. They weren't just at Skangfest or whatever, but yeah, I don't know. And I told Keely and Jason, who live here and own the well, are from New Orleans. And I told them about this couple. And they were like, what the fuck? They said they might be around when we're down there. And they asked if we wanted to get on an airboat. And I said, yes.

So they don't like know somebody, but they said, Keely has never been on one either. And she lived there for a long time. So I think that we might be able to do that. Not you, Becker. You're super excited. you're not going to go. Your heels, your heels busted, so I don't think you're allowed on an airboat. It's fine.

I'm going to walk through today. Yeah, it's different on the airboat. Keely said she doesn't like you. I don't know what you did. I think you used to smoke outside of the well and you never spent a dime. You would just hang out out there and tell people not to go in. So I don't know. You were going through the ashtrays, smoking refries and being like, this place.

This place kicked me out for being white. white. The other day, I was in the living room and Emily was in the kitchen and I heard like a splashing and then she went, Sammy, come in here. And I came in and she was standing and she said, I threw up. And there was just like a puddle of what looked like vomit on the ground. But it was just some soup she spilled. But boy, howdy did that make my day. She just called me in to do a bit. I was like, that's love. This is love. me. It was perfect.

Yeah. I'll bet that soup looked really gross because there wasn't any meat in it. It was just chunks of stuff. It was like a refuge you came in and vomited on our floor. I've been eating sand and uncooked turnips. Gray blood. Gray blood. That's like Becker's foot. That's what's congealed down there. Are you going to go out tonight? See any big show? No. The other band I wanted to see was Rattlesnake Milk and they're on. Maybe I'll go see them. I don't know. Like I said, a bunch of people came to the fort, which was cool. Tobias. Allison Rose made cinnamon rolls like a bunch of them. So that was very nice. It was nice to see her. You know, she's been in Kansas with a ton of kittens. She's had random.

Cats of hers or like barn cats have gotten pregnant like back to back to back. So a lot of kitten duty. It's like back to discord. She wants to, uh, she wants to get back to New York. But she's still, she's been in Kansas. And then she said, um, she was staying with Nancy Norton in Boulder, outside of Boulder and came up, uh, for the special. And so it was nice to see her. Um, Tobias was there, little Tobias.

I didn't remember him being a small. as he is. So it was very like, I almost asked him and then thought like, don't ask him if he's always been this small. Why the fuck would he be smaller? He's an adult man. And it's not like he sold his, some of his shin length or lost, you know, so I didn't say shit. I just thought to myself, has he always been this tiny? Maybe he's cursed. Maybe he did like make us like some kind of, I don't know, Robert Johnson at the Crossroads trade to keep the van running. Sold a few inches for people to listen to smoking at the pump. Yeah, but I don't know.

A monkey's paw, and he's like, I'll trade my soul to live in the van forever. And they're like, fine. But he didn't specify what part of the van. So he has to live in the glove box. So he's getting shrunk down, tinier and tinier to be put in the glove box forever. There's your movie. Print it. It was me on calls yesterday, just like terrible ideas and being like, holy shit.

That's it. That's it right there. Yeah. He's inside out. Yeah. What's on your wrist? Were you at a swingers party? Festival pass, no.

Oh, shit. All right. The festival that I've mentioned several times. Yeah, yeah. Detective panic attack. No, because I had to work. I'm going to have some strows. How was the comedy event?

That already happened today? Yeah, it was noon to two, and I was a little nervous, because last year it was Sunday, and I felt like maybe that made more sense. I don't know. It was fine. There were a good amount of people. It's in the biggest venue that we have,

which is also not, you know, I'm sure there's probably some thought that Kurt and Suzanne put behind it, but it's like huge. And when it's filled with music, that's one thing. But when it's just one person talking, it's like, shouldn't we be in a smaller spot? But I think it is nice that there aren't a lot of bands playing yet. So it's like we're likely to get a crowd. I don't know.

I guess this year that wasn't the case. There was a free show that the townies did. and cheap perfume maybe. So like we kind of did have some competition, but it worked out okay. We had Andrea, Jeremy Pyscher hosted, and then Andreas Bessarrell came down.

And then Jacob Rup and Marion Moreno came down from the Looney's, Colorado Springs Festival. Looney's is having a festival? Yeah, this might be like the third or fourth year. it's just at Looney's, but there's like a bunch of shows. Who's headlining? Russell Keller? No.

Mike Stanley was one of the headliners. I think it was all Colorado people. Billy Anderson, like lives in Denver now, I think. So everybody gets to see the Gateway Show. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody's getting sick of the Gateway Show. It's like it's less is more.

I don't want to keep watching comics forget their jokes. Billy Wayne Davis did that once in Seattle and like you know during the break when you're supposed to get really high Billy was like no this is called a dab and like the other comics were like oh I don't know if I take one of those I'll be wrecked and like me and Billy were already taking dabs before the show so we had to like figure out how to actually get high and it just came down to us licking out like whatever dab cartridges they had he like took the top off and we drank it and boy howdy did I have a tough second set. Woo. I was geeked. I was fucking just like, I remember like literally

touching someone's head, like touching their hat and then like touching it way too long and being like, is this okay? And they were like, I guess. And then I was like, kept touching it. Yeah, it was too bad. It's spooky season, but your butt shouldn't

be a horror show. Too late. Who wrote this? Us? That's good stuff. They're getting good over there. Man, AI's going to replace us. Tushy Badee takes the jump scares out of your ass.

Excuse me, downstairs. Oh, there's rhymed even. Tushy Biday takes the jump scares out of your downstairs. I do hate when ever Emily comes home and she's like, all right, I already ate at work, but now I want dessert. And then I get on all fours and I spread my cheeks open. And she looks in there and she says, have you not been using the bidet?

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I don't know. It's not in my copy, so. You must have edited in your sleep. Oh, sorry. I'm reading the one from my new book called Gay Guy with the Cleanest Butt. Personal endorsement, I love the Tushy because it makes analingus a little less gross. No more trips to the dentist after I get my whole creamed. My wife loves it a lot to the point where she only uses one toilet because.

the tushy is on that toilet. She refuses to go downstairs. So yeah, it's a great place. Cuts your toilet paper usage by up to 80% or in my case, a hundred percent because I'm using that thing and I'm going outside and I'm sunning it. Save money and stress on the backside. Yeah, shake it dry. All the dogs are running into the yard. Every tushy bidet comes with 30-day hassle-free returns and a 12-month warranty. Clean enough isn't good enough. For a limited time, Chubby Behemoth fans get 10% off their first bidet order when you use code Chubby at checkout. That's 10% off your first bidet order at hellotushy.com with promo code Chubby.

There was one, I don't know whose show it was in Humble. I don't think it was him where we got really high. And it was fun because I was smoking a lot of weed at that time. so I wasn't I didn't go try to get as fucked up like you guys did but I did like do a big old bag or whatever they had a volcano and so I was stoned but it definitely felt like uh had a bit of an advantage over anybody that wasn't a regular weed smoker remember that Danny felt's guy yeah he had that show like spicy news we did it humble one time and I went last and I ate like the Mondo pepper and they injected it with like extra capsaicin juice so like I could barely finish reading the news and then I got off stage and went and sat in the back and was like I think I have to go to the hospital and Byron was like don't worry I'll be your steward and we drove to someone's house that said they had in like they had they had a huge shower and they were like you just got to get

in that shower and let the water run for like an hour it was like a cistern for like cattle So Byron drove me out there And I got in the shower And I just stood in there And I was like eating ice cream To try and like kill my belly So I was like starting in like a cow shed Like shower eating ice cream

While Byron was in the next room being like Just proof of life old boy All's well in there I don't want to have to call the baroness Yeah it's fucking surreal Danny Listened to the pod I don't know if he still listens, but he has messaged me and said that he's a big fan.

So that's cool. I don't think I did that. Is that real? Yeah. Dog bun. Shoveling. I've been shoveling for when I'm not on the phone screaming. I'm shoveling.

Yeah. I've been digging out stumps and like winterizing the yard. And I tried to build like a fairy like wall out of birch branches and mulberry branches. I like cut all these mulberry and strutely. stripped him and then tried to build like a little fairy fence and Emily came home and was like, oh my God, you're the cutest. And I was like, do you like it? And she was like, I love you so much. And I was like, it's shit, huh? And she was like, let's go inside. And then I went out 20 minutes later and looked at it. And I was like, yeah, it's shit. And she was like, it is, honey. All right.

What do you? How so? I don't know. They do it in like Scandinavia as like, I don't know, permaculture so like you let the green branches become like your your fencing and they all kind of like you know wither in place and become i don't know it's it looks cool when like a hot chick in Finland does it on her instagram but i don't have a sweet pair of cans that are also bobbing while i'm building so there's no smokescreen yeah i don't know i was i i worked on it for three hours hours. There's like three hours of work put in. I was out there like last night when she got home and the sun was going down. I was like, do you like it? And she was like, oh, I hope I never have to push you down the stairs. Were you going to get rid of the golden rod anyway? I feel like you

told me that. Yeah. I mean, I have huge plans back there. And a lot of it just involves like, you know, mowing it when it's finally no longer beautiful yellow and then, you know, doing some mulching and cardboarding, but I want to have it until it's gone. I found another pumpkin. We have three pumpkins now. Rock and roll. Damn. In the air? No, this one was like deep in the back of my garden, like in the underbrush. Because that vine spread maybe 120 feet. Like I finally ripped it all out it's i could like rapunzel out of spire with how much pumpkin vine i have we were all peeing back there so we were helping i love to piss behind my garage i love it hose it down we were we were trying to pitch in i get it yeah when i killed a

rododendron with piss something smells weird it's probably one of my three dogs You should get three. No, no. Three's the new one. We're going to have one dog that hates us instead of three. Our dogs love us because we're at home. Your dog is going to think that it's a stray and that it's the only one in the house because nobody else will ever be there. Your dogs know creech and they know creech's guy.

Yeah. I come and go. I'm a fourth dog. and they think they can't tell if I'm the alpha or that they're if they're supposed to be humping me. Yeah, you're just on too, but you guys all eat the same food. So they're like, what's going on here? Who's walking who?

I eat first. And they get scraps. We had to source this like food called Value Pack, which is what the adopted dog like eats currently and we don't want it to shit all over our house. So we're going to like, you know, wean it off of Value Pack. but nowhere sells it. So we literally had to drive to some dude's house today in the middle of Michigan on the way down. I guess it was by Finlay, Ohio.

And it was 20 minutes off the highway. And we called him and it was like a feed store online. And he was like, hey, do you sell value pack? And he's like, hold on. Rummages around. Oh, yeah, we got it. And then we pull in and it's just a dude's house. And he easily could have killed us with a hammer or a gun.

And no one would have known where we were. And he could have fed us to his pigs and cows. we got that value pack yeah yeah we paid him i paid him in cash and when he opened the drawer pretty sure there was a gun in the drawer yeah it was you know it's business face to face wow oh man all right becker yeah yeah he said something yeah becker said oh man and then well i didn't then lund came in i think i was on delaying yeah well no i was going to be like Like, was Emily in there with you? Oh, yeah.

And she was wearing a bikini, as is what I demand when we drive. So, yeah, she went in there, new bile and bouncing and kept saying, I dropped my pen. And then the guy kept rubbing his belly button while sticking out his tongue. And I said, do you take cash? Yeah, it was great. Jesus. I'm also wondering if I had that panic attack because I'm very rarely there through the duration of Emily's period, but I've been home for the last week.

And like hers hit yesterday. And I also had that panic attack. And I wonder if it was like me being such an empath that her like, it's like the Phoenix force. There was like, you know, I was like taking blasts. She wasn't unpleasant. She was remarkably sweet throughout her period. But yeah, I think that I felt it.

And it was just like reverberating around in our living room. And it manifested in me as the acute awareness of my own. mortality. You are typically, you make it a point to be booked when she's bleeding. She's always, she was like, yeah, why are you going to Syracuse? Why are you doing Tulsa? I was like, oh, you man's got to work, you know, just so happens to be the second weekend. Yeah. So, no, no, it's just like I'm usually in and out. I'm not usually home that like for, you know, I'm home for four, gone for three. But yeah, I landed and I got home. And she said, Hey, your aunt and uncle are here, by the way.

It's coming. I'm so jealous. She misses it. I wish I had one still. That was fun. I've never heard that. I can wear chinos more now, but other than that. Do you guys remember when we were in Cleveland,

and I like sent those two people around the corner to get a book, that like older woman? And I was like, give her a book, just quick. Do you remember that the first night? So yeah, my uncle's brother, Moon. Oh, yes. Moon Halverstadt. We caught that briefly.

Right. So Moon and Sue. So like the first thing my Aunt Julie says when she gets in the house is like, so you saw Sue and Moon, huh? And I was like, oh yeah. And she was like, and they're coming out this weekend? And I was like, what? And she said, she said, you told Sue you had plenty of room.

And I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, yeah, at the merch line, you said this. that there's plenty of room and, you know, she said, well, we'll come out. And I guess you said there's plenty of room. And I was like, look, Aunt Julie, this is what happened. As you know, Sue was texting me all week. I literally called my aunt to be like, what do I do about Sue? I can't go out to chagrin.

I barely know these people. I don't want to be rude. And my aunt was like, well, just tell her that you'll do it. And then don't show up. And I was like, oh, yeah, I forgot you're from the Midwest. Thank you for your help. That's our culture. Yeah, exactly.

We're selling the books and out of nowhere. Sue and Moon come through the merch line. They cut the line. And the security guy at hilarities, like, you know, the red dot appears on Sue's forehead. And I'm like, no, no, they're family. And she's like, hey, you were great.

We got to get one of these books. And I was like, well, that's the line right there. But just cut right here. So then she runs over to you. Becker pops around the corner and is like, what? And I'm like, give her whatever she wants. The only thing that Uncle Tom's brother said for the whole time, was they love you man i love you these all these people love you he's like high as hell all the time

he's on his gubbies so then sue comes back and she has the book and she's like so tom and julie are coming out right and i'm like yeah they're coming out and she's like it's only three hours away and i was i said there's plenty of room and she was like we'll be there and i was like uh who's name should I write in the book, you know? Like, so I spas because she was literally a drop bear on me. Just. Ah! And again, like, I don't know these people.

I met them for the first time at Annie's wedding four years ago. So, like, I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah. And they didn't come, right? No. And of course, Aunt Julian Uncle Tom from the Midwest, they were like, well, we'll just see if they show up and I was like, you didn't say anything about, hey, there's, don't come or we want to be alone with them. And they were like, oh, we'll see, we'll see how it happens. And I was like, fuck.

Everyone's from the Midwest in my fucking family. Why can't you guys be like, you know, my wife and just say, you're not allowed. We don't want you. Emily's really good about that. Yeah, she broke the mold. Oh, yeah. She's counterculture, counter Midwestern culture, very direct. No bullshitting. This episode is sponsored by Zock Doc. Seeing a doctor is important. Stop putting it off. Zuck Doc lets you search and compare high quality in-network doctors.

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shouldn't be complicated, find in book the right doctor with ZockDoc doc. Head to Zocdoc.com slash chubby. To get started and check that appointment off your to-do list, that's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash shubby. Zock dot com slash shubby. Thanks Zock-Doc-Doc for sponsoring this message. Zock-Dak-Dak. Zok-Dok. Tom and Julie didn't stay with you, right?

Yeah, they stayed at our house for three days. Oh, okay. Yeah, they were in there. We had a lovely time. They're so much fun. All that my aunt does is laugh. And they keep telling these insane stories. My uncle Tom had a summer where he smoked PCP off of mint leaves for a whole summer.

And he tells that story. And then he's like, and then there was two cocaine summers. And my aunt's like, what? They should start a podcast called, I was there too, Tom. Because my uncle Tom would be like, yeah, I saw Ted Nugent. And my aunt Julie would be like, I was there too, Tom. My uncle Tom's like, we've been married for 100 years.

Everything I've done since I was 19, you were there. So let's just include you in every story. And she was like, well, I just like to be included. Cracking in other strows. Drinking it in the bathtub. Yeah, we had a fucking blast. They're cool. And then, you know, it's just nice to see my mom kind of in my aunt.

And it's fun. Yeah. But yeah, the whole time you're driving. threading the knock at the door where there's these other old people that you don't know that are going to come and tell you where they've been what they've been up to when all the PCP that they smoked or they're going to drive in and be like yeah we passed a lot of cat food restaurant we passed a lot of catfish restaurants on the drive here it's like all right chill out it's you know chill out because there's a bit of that

They're lovely people, but I'm glad they didn't come to our house. Where do they live? They live in Cleveland. Hmm. Well, chagrin. My whole family's from chagrin. They're still there. Yeah, yeah.

Like in the house, like three blocks down from where they grew up. And they're like, come out to chagrin. It's like, why? I'm with the boys. You want me, Pat, Becker, and Lund to come out there? No. There's not enough popcorn at the popcorn machine. It's very cute.

Oh, it's adorable. We made the list for my 40th birthday, and there was a couple people not on the 10-year anniversary list. Oh, shit. And one new addition who we forgot. Let's just say, Brett Hiker, you've been called up from AAA. I forgot about you, Hiker. I'm sorry, buddy. You would have been an absolute weapon at my 10-year anniversary party.

Yeah, that would have been nice. he's good at he's good at hanging out oh he's the best yeah he's also like very helpful and capable and like if you need a man to like lasso a bird that gets in the building like hikers ready or rope excuse me rope I know it's not called lassoing yeah like he did when that guy was trying to kill Kevin O'Brien mm-hmm uh shit so yeah we uh we had a good time in Fort Conn Oh, yeah. Noah came up with me Wednesday night.

You know, I had Noah, Kelsey Rosen hosted, Rosalie, just because, you know, she's a manager up there. I didn't have any other Fort Collins comics on the lineup. So it was nice, you know, and I wanted another lady. She was the only good one. Yeah, that's, yeah, that made it easy. And to ask her, she was in and then Cobos. But I wanted somebody to come.

up with me. Sorry, real quick. We have so many Fort Collins comics listening. Come on, guys. You know she's better than all you guys. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's a joke that she's the only funny one. That's not true.

But she's funnier than most of the turds that you call a scene. Also, David said that, like, nobody... David said that none of them are, like, going and, like, watching... Nobody watched Soder. They're blowing it. So maybe, you know... Well, you tried to charge him 40 bucks a ticket. You know, the light's got to stay on.

So, no, I mean, I, I had, like I said, I had a bunch of comics come through for my thing. But like, yeah, nobody, nobody came to watch soda or whatever. Anyway. So I got an Airbnb Wednesday night and Thursday night. And no one came. It was too hot. So he couldn't stay there. No, he came up.

But, yeah, I was glad. Because otherwise I would have just been by myself thinking too much about. the special oh i masturbated oh noah no was like do you have lotion because i didn't bring any for after the shower and i said i don't have any and then uh the next thursday i was like did you jack it because i jacked it you know he was he was on the couch but he had his own bathroom and i was like did you jack it and he was like yeah it was tough too because it was dry i didn't have any lotion and i was like you didn't

use any spit and he goes spit and i was like you've never used spit. This is, I mean, this is, doesn't this explain a lot about precious Noah? In his fucking, his fucking gilded cage. He didn't, he's never thought to use spit to masturbate with. Yeah, because he had Moroccan olive oil. Yeah. Because he always had a team of, of beauticians that were there to give him different

coarseness or smoothness with his lotion. I mean, that's such a disgusting way to say there's two types of men in the world. But yeah, there's the guy who's spit in his hand and the other guy who can't fathom that reality. Yeah, he was giving himself rug burn instead of using spit like everybody else has throughout time. So that was funny. I was glad he came up. We hadn't hung out for a while. And we talk now and then.

But, yeah, it was funny that he was like, what? And then, like, he's trying to look down on me probably. And I was like, no, no, I'm the normal one here. We had a bunch of, the Airbnb host had a bunch of bottles of water in the fridge. He drank most of them. But then he wouldn't finish them. It's like, is the bottom poison? Like, you can't finish one before you move on to another one.

They're too heavy. Yeah, he gets bored. He's like, I want new water. This water is stale now. It smells bad. He's particular. He's particular. He, uh, yeah.

We had a good time, though. I was glad that he came up, like I said, or else I would have just been overthinking the recording. And I knew that I was going to be fine. I just, uh, needed to do it. And so I'm glad that I wasn't by myself Wednesday. And we were, we were close to the club. And we had Cheba Hut, which is fine.

We had it in a while. I took my wife to crack her barrel. I guess how much she loved that? She literally told the server, I mean, the untouched turn-up greens that neither of us ate. We tried him a little. And she was like, these are awful. And I was like, yeah, no one likes him, but I always order them. And then the server was like, are you guys done?

You done with your greens? And Emily said, yeah, they're awful. They taste like dog food. And the lady was like, yeah, a lot of people love them and a lot of people don't. And she was like, yeah, yeah, they're not for me. Yeah, yeah. Everything else there is like that same shade of like beige, tope, chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy are all like. And she got the vegetarian options, you know.

She was picking bacon out of her lima beans. It was lima beans. Well, she was literally like, at least they have broccoli, Tammy. And I was like, they sure do, baby. And then the lady was like, we are all out of broccoli. And Emily. Fuck. You fucking kidding.

And also neither of us beat the peg game. So, of course, she was a bit cranky by that. Yeah. I saw that clip with Harland. That's funny that you ended up at one at a cracker barrel after talking about him with Harlan W. Well, it's like, I can get chicken and dumplings. I know what I'm doing. It's going to be gross.

It's going to be the same color. I'll cover it in pepper. I'm fine. And she was like, I haven't been to a cracker barrel in 20 years. Let's do it. It'll be cute. and then we get in there and it was bad and I was like fuck I knew this was going to be totally outside of anything you can eat but she's a champ she did good and I ate my

dumplings happily and my pinto beans she enjoyed her water and her lime of beans and her uh she ate a couple pegs all the pegs she couldn't get off the board she swallowed yeah this is good which and you just had chicken and dumplings yeah and pinto beans okay yeah that's awesome i ordered turn of green checking doubling doubling down and wait just to just to make sure yeah yeah no that's just to confirm that becker didn't just hurt his foot he heard his head too he balked yeah he went down head first I wish I would have spread it out a little bit.

It was all foot. I bumped my hair. Mike, Mark, I hear my head down here. Anyway, we should probably end the pod. Becker can edit whatever he needs to. Becker hit his head. Lund's going to go to the Rock Show and OlsAMT is going to get a dog. Find out how it goes tomorrow on another riveting episode of Chubby Behath.

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