Chubby Behemoth - I Wanna Be The Crow

Episode Date: September 14, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/   SPONSORS: Hall Of Fame - Get a 7-Day Free Trial + 50% Off your first month with code CHUBBY. Just download the HOF app on iOS or Android, and enter code CHUBBY   PrizePicks - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/CHUBBY and use code CHUBBY to get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup.   PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are together in New Brunswick NJ! Sam doesn’t know how to make popcorn, might not fit into this world anymore, and has been making his own freaky soundtrack. Nathan threatened to go to Popeye’s, thinks only 1/1000 women have done that, and recounts the fun times the boys had in Red Bank eating and seeing the sights. Let me get the bolt cutters. We’re three to a room.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Okay, we're good to go? We're on. All right, before we get going, can I just address the thing real quick? Yeah. All right. So, obviously, we've been seeing the DMs. We're on the Patreon. We're seeing what you guys are asking.

I just want to talk to all the Becker Truthers out there. He is not AI. He is a real human being. I know he gets glitchy, and there's, like, you know, certain elements of him that seem impossible to be real. But look, look, I'm touching him. I'm touching his hat. you know hear that

you can hold my things if you were AI would do his hair different yeah I'd have good hair if it was AI we've been doing this podcast for five years like we wouldn't have improved upon the Becker AI like Becker wouldn't have huge cans

for everyone to enjoy why would yeah why would it be a guy yeah he wouldn't we wouldn't have gotten rid of those sideburns that make women unsafe look the hats on sideways yeah so street kid style yeah i know people are still going to say look the patreon is doing very well uh they probably have reinvested into advanced like optics and you know light and shadow type

stuff i'm going to ask becker a question that only becker could answer let's hear right jake becker what is love i don't i don't know exactly so if there was was an answer right there, you would know it was AI. All right? So really, I just fucking flipped the script. This is chat GP 316 says I just whipped your

ass. Yeah. I should probably take these either off or down. What's up, mama? Sundown. Who wants to get smooth until they're rough? Where am I? Who wants to become a braided and shaded and covered and smothered?

I'm going to take them off. Don't smothered. Don't smother them. Yeah, up must have been confusing. I just feel like, I freak out when they see that. It shades my eyes and you can't see what wickedness I'm up to. Where you're leering. Do you think that we cleared up the rumors?

Do you want to, why don't you ask Jake a question just to prove? Yeah. What's your favorite car? Fuck, that's such a... Mine, my 62, Buick. You have your dream car. and it's yeah it's my favorite car it keeps me out of trouble once you're i know this what's your favorite cold cut jake becker human man probably breast solar so prasata god damn it

he's right again all right very good so programmed him to say that though well you know what i would like to do is uh just move forward with the agreement that jake is actually a true human being i'm a real boy he has parents you're a grown man i'm a grown man he has all types of great stories remember that great story that you said that you've told me six times and i said i don't know what you're talking about oh just what was the you long earlier soldier boy you keep asking me or you keep like looking at me when you want to talk about stuff from boulder colorado yeah and you'll be like you know zippies down on fourth and i'm like oh yeah it was sandwiched places i spent zero time in boulder i was up there you know the skate shop was back this morning and i was

like you do you know satellite and he was like no i don't know anything from boulder i was forget he just doesn't have any he knows everywhere else on the whole front range hold on hold on we need to remember some non mumbling artifice there we go okay go ahead becker try it again you know everything on the whole front range yeah and i didn't spend time in boulder yeah because you know what i'm not from connecticut he wasn't dirty enough yeah i wasn't filthy enough or also i wasn't clean enough for the real parts that you want to be in yeah that's where the sex is man he was you know i mean in Boulder and they're like, and stay out. He was like, what?

Yeah, you would have fit in with all the kids on the mall. I was going to be up there. And then when I wasn't up there, I was like, fuck you guys forever. Guess what? I'm a metro state roadrunner. But you didn't go buy drugs there in high school or anything? No, we would go to Bongmont. We would go to that, we would go to the Waffle House in Bongmont when we needed to get like

weight. Okay. Or we would drive out to unincorporated Elbert County out near Strasbourg. and there was a guy in a wheelchair who took some liberties with some young men's legs this motherfucker was a creep dude whoa yeah he was out there

I think he's passed away if there's any justice but there was a guy who lived in a house and purple look he had like everything you wanted and a couple things you didn't and uh... booze and weeds and a boner

well that's the thing is he was in a wheelchair so he wasn't even like hard but he'd for my understanding he'd be like all right pull those shorts down now shake it around and he like really liked a man who could use his hips and wiggle his penis damn by man i mean like you know 17 year old pill head yeah it's a dark period but you made it out i never went i knew what that guy was hanging out there i was not hanging out there he loved booze and weed no that's where he learned how to shake those hips i mean i loved partying and

getting it on until sunrise that's for sure but no i was never lost to an o'clock to an opiate addiction in high school, you know, or also methamphetamine. Yeah. Because you were in plays and student government and football. I was a good kid. You're so busy. Yeah. And you were playing a ton of video games.

Oh, yeah. I was playing Manhuntil Dawn. Fuling your... Figuring out new ways to hold it, new ways to fold it. Yeah, for sure. Innovating with different textiles and pieces of furniture throughout the home. Yeah, I had two... I had, you know, I had the upstairs and the downstairs to explore.

Yeah. On your body and on the house. Oh, for sure. And guess what? Upstairs was in play, okay? I had some clamps. I bolted into the wall and I would strap myself up. You'd hang yourself on the wall.

Ah! Just winching by my nipples. It was so hard with my free hand. I'm pleasuring myself. my dad knocks buddy everything okay yeah dad this level's hard this level sucks oh man it was a boot i missed the field goal yeah they made it man oh it was from 60 man mm-hmm young man drilled it that young and he also he's a drilling engineer georgia tech shout out to young uh miners yeah damn near kill them the minor bees

yeah they're cool man you would love it there becker yeah mm-hmm where is Where's Georgia Tech? I'll give you a guess. It's not Marietta. It's in Aetown, I think. I think it's the Aetown College. Oh, that's cool. It's not in HBCU.

But. Sucket Clemson. Oh, whoa. Did you guys see that? No. Can we rewind this? No. There was a girl's jugs.

No. There was a girl's boobs. No. Or it was a man with long hair and luscious breasts. Whoa. Well, we'll be able to see on the internet. I'm a Georgia Tech fan for sure any second wow quit peaking I'm not peeking around this guy's he says that he hates when he has to sit in front of us why because because it's either like weirdly the back of my head if I truly make contact from we don't have to make eye contact you never have to look at me you don't have to actively listen why don't you tell that fun story about how you managed to live in a frat house despite not being in the frat I actively listen it makes the edit so much easier uh you ever heard this story yes I'm talking to him.

I don't know. I know that he's answer. Don't look at me if we want to talk. Now I know who you're talking to. Do you remember this story? I don't think so. He lived in the walls. Yeah, you were the people under the stairs.

Is that right? You were cursed. What's that called? Frogging. Yeah, frogging. Frogging is like a phenomenal. I'm living in somebody's house without them knowing it. What?

It's called frogging. Sometimes they are hardly ever there. Sometimes people live there. It's fraud forever. In the walls or the attic or the attic or. Yeah. Big frog out. Underneath.

Dude, I tell Emily, we have a little man who lives in the attic. Down below. Yeah. That's a thing. I leave little treats on the stairs to see if he eats them. There's been a craft single there for two weeks. He's smart enough to sneak in your house, but dumb enough to take your bait? I don't know, dude.

If there's a frog man living in my wet works, I welcome you. I want everyone to know that. All right? Frog people are people too. And I welcome our frog overlords. look I would love to be on a lily pad I've got to get some rent You can live in the walls

But leave like a 20 around now And then for me to find Hey do the dishes All right How about that? If you want to water my plants That would be huge Because Emily says that she's not

Quote A gay man in a gay relationship End quote If you want your cherries to blossom Honey You let her learn how to shake it Then she sits in the wheelchair And I

Wiggle it around How about yes yesterday where you tasked her with finding a shovel that you that you thought was living in the walls because you hadn't seen it in six weeks or whatever. I thought the frog man had taken the shovel. She says, how long do you think it'll take me to find this shovel that you have searched high and low for? Literally for three days.

Because, as she also said, I recently... But not active looking. No. Not like 72-hour vigil. Very passive. Yeah. I wasn't sitting in a deer blind with like night vision goggles on. I'm not saying 72 hours.

I'm saying how much of the day did you spend two seconds each day, maybe 12 seconds each day? You say, mm-hmm, looking around the room really quick, but one of your eyes is closed. Yeah, yeah, I have a patch on. You're squinting. Yeah. No shovel here. Yeah, I'm, like, more concerned with figuring out this funky new walk that I've been trying to perfect so Emily gets home. I think that it's a joke amount of time that she throws out there.

which is 45 seconds. Well, I'll tell you this. Well, there's no way. Sam has certainly wanted to find this shovel. Yes. And he's done some looking and he hasn't found it. So Emily's being real cocky. 45 seconds.

45 seconds is nuts. Yes. It'll take her at least a minute and a half. Oh, for sure. At least a minute and a half to get back on the phone. Yeah, even if, uh, yeah, even if Sam has blown it indeed. Right. And it's behind his own ass.

If it's under the bed. If I put a wig on it and I'm calling it new Emmy and it's in the basement. wearing a Denver Broncos hoodie. It's got balloons under it. The grave digger. Uh-huh. And I've created, like, a soundboard of, like, cool stuff I wanted to say. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Like, sure. Or, I don't care if they're downstairs. Let's get it on. So, anyway. Give me that hog. Give me that thing. Uh-huh. early evening and night

I'm going to make the popcorn oh Megan makes the popcorn she makes it good Emmy will do the thing where she's like I want popcorn I'm like we have popcorn

and she's like okay okay but don't worry about it and then like an hour goes by of her being like how popcorn be good I'll be like I'll make popcorn and she's like

no no no you don't know how to make popcorn and then there's been four rays and then when I do when I'm like hey I'm going to make

popcorn I go in there and I'm just making it and then it's her standing next to me being like okay you got to shake it you know and it's like honey i was trying to make you popcorn so you could stay on the couch and watch dexter and i didn't have to hear a fucking word of it you know i could be in here just listening to high on fire super loud in my ear pods not hearing the popcorn pretending the popcorn's in my head you've got to listen to the popcorn sure or watch it it's a clear cover so you're on the stove anyway emmy just i know you're

gonna hear this i love to make popcorn for you but maybe if you want popcorn just pop up and make it and then it's done and then there's not this long back and forth about i'll make the popcorn for you honey no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no i just heard being like the cutest little like vibrating worm and me being like what do you want but she can't trust you to make it so that's not even an option well i can't make popcorn two out of three times or what there's been it was it was it was it was tough for me to learn because i grew up with a microwave and bags i didn't have this like quaker oats you know we got to get our own beats out of the garden we're going to have carrot coleslaw i mean what's going on here i mean white chicken chili is

everyone's birthday meal i mean she grew up in a different white chicken chili is breakfast where i'm from all right it was you eating your assaye bowl and saying hey where are we actually eating wait i threatened to go to popeyes a couple times you sure did because we had to wait for about 10 minutes yeah because her woman to have her first period she's going through something somewhere yeah she was on webmd being like how much blood is too much there was a bathroom and a prayer room so i don't know which one she was doing but she was devoted well sometimes when i'm in that situation they're the same thing yeah i've been She keeps mixing them up.

She's me and your jokes. So stupid. Sometimes he's shit's in the prayer room. And he goes in the bathroom and says, ah, yeah, Jesus. Sometimes my knees are my butt. And the rug is made of porcelain. If you know what I mean.

I'm in there just inshallah. Emily's like, are you okay? And I'm like, Wala Habibi. I'm winking. So anyway, Emily says, how long is it going to take me to find this shovel? 25 seconds over or under. And remember, I had been looking for this shovel for three days.

Kind of. No, I would say that at least 20 minutes a day for three days was me being like, now, where would I have put it? Okay, that's day one. Where would I have put it? Uh-huh. And, again, a lot of it is also just me standing in the backyard. Scaning wherever you are.

Just going like this. and then I'll be like, oh, what's that? And then I start weeding. And then when I get done weeding, you know, then I go back to the shovel hunt. I've been in the garden. I love the garden. I'm going to become a garden influencer.

You didn't know where it was and you just kept kind of looking, giving up ADHD, okay, is it behind the garage? Did I leave it in the big patch that I was clearing? You're scared to find the shovel because then you have to start digging. And if I start digging, who knows what I'll find? What happened to Gordy for real? you know you weren't there i wasn't there that could have an ai

i thought i watched him die and shit the couch but no that was patrick Patrick lived there one last time that's why Patrick was in his bedroom for 10 hours a day laying belly down so he could make the gorty death video dead dog deep fake that's his new rap rock group

that's why he hasn't finished uh anyway so here's where we are i'd been looking for it for three days emily says how long i say she's like 45 seconds i'm like over hammer the over we're in the van becker becker i take the under yes lund said over and then not only did she hit the under but i receive a picture of the shovel sent to my phone within 23 seconds you said she hit the under it it was 23 seconds and that means the picture also coming through guess where it was front porch front door yep no side door but the main door the door we use yeah the one you would have seen a lot right next to my wildflower seeds, because I put it right there because I said, I'll know just where to find it.

Cool spot. Now I'll see it every time I come out. Now, are there trash? Is that where the trash barrels are? Yes, they are. Sometimes. Okay, so you can't see back there. Yeah.

So really, it's not on me. It's on the great trash industrial complex, you know, the sanitation cult. That's what I call it. Don't wash your hands. Eat your trash. Get sick. Get sick. and guess what i got something you can recycle this old fucking chestnut recycling's real yeah

put that in your fucking button wipe it yeah it was uh thought i knew what was going on i had no idea you're a different guy at home you really relax and turn your brain off turn into a dog and digging in the yard you know what you're not doing anything constructive i'm kind of worried that i'm becoming rolling in the grass i'm becoming so free that I might not fit into this world anymore. And I don't know if that is the most profound or the, quote, gayest thing as your mind just read. But yeah, I don't know, dude. Like, I don't think the world makes sense to me anymore.

There's no objective truth. And guess what I'm doing. Fucking taking my shoes off and rolling around in it. Tiptoeing through the tulips. Oh, yeah. I'm tiny Tim, man. Tiny Sam. I mean, what I'm doing with my time, I think, is more constructive than anything else I'd been doing for a long time.

I mean, there was the big devotion to the novel, so I finished the novel. But now I have this, like, downtime where I'm waiting for the notes to come back from the editor for the novel, because I've been, quote, the chillest client he's ever had dog, end quote. Because he, he, like, has, like, eight things he has to edit, and he's like, look, I don't want to read another fucking Tom Petty in the Heartbreaker's biography, but I have to. so I'll get to yours but anyway like now I just have this like downtime and I have this beautiful home and I have a garden and I have my t-shirts that I can just constantly tinker with I made the Spanish bastard yeah hey order a shirt off their website samtalent dot com two shirts for 50 bucks I got the Spanish bastard he's insane they're running rebel yeah yeah it's a good one yeah it's a bunch of cool they're all cool it's pistol Pete it's the Oklahoma state mascot um which was also the Wyoming

mascot which was also the university in mexico state mascot for a while that's funny yeah it's it's a it's a whole fun story you can look it up but i also put a little bit of uh let me ask you this as becker i said yesterday and it kind of looks like samuel uh clemens and he said who's that well why did you say samuel clemens because that's how i think of him because you're an tour well yeah because he wrote a book and then another one that you stole I didn't steal his book I just stole one word I did because I wanted to have versamilitude you know yeah the streets of Denver are alive with that word but I what I mean it peels like it peels like bells you know all over the 16th street mall which has been lost let's call the

Or over there. No, it's back, I guess. Oh, yeah? I don't know. I haven't been down there. What saved it? They just... A bigger noodles and co?

They reinvent... Yeah, there's not... The tilted kilted kilt is back. Oh, sick, dude. And twin peaks. Yeah. The Twin Peaks is above the tilted kilt. That's pretty cool.

What was the... Clambakes. Oh, Klambakes. Yeah. We wear the thongs in reverse. You had a good idea. Yeah. Wet panty contest.

But you have... Clambakes. It's hilarious Clam bags They have their wet pussy Panny contest Oh god Yeah

I mean I would I would not want to Eat in that restaurant I think the vagina As beautiful it is Might want to stay in the shade You know Make it a treat

Or wear a mesh dress That's fine too Either keep it a treat Or wear a mesh dress I'm saying Keep the lily in the shade It doesn't need full sun Okay

Okay Also I have a word to all you gardeners out there what are we doing with succulents? I am so over it. If I walk into your house and I see that you have succulence,

you know what else you have? A fucking Mumford and Sons record. All right? Yeah. They're nice, though. It is the most basic, lazy way to be like, look, I have a garden. You have a bunch of things

that won't die. What about Allo? You have a bunch of things that can't be killed. You like aloe because it's a workhorse? I like aloe because I like to crack it wide open and rub it all over my burns. I have a lot of burns I deal with. Mostly friction right around here.

Oh, yeah, your dick's working again. That's pretty cool. The bitch is back. I've been making my own beats to play while I have sex with Emily. It's been great. I've been making my own freaky soundtracks. I'm like, you want scary or sexy? Shirts and beats.

Uh-huh. Does she ever say scary? Oh, she loves scary. Okay. SvU. Yeah. I just put... Dong dong dong.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do... Are you pre-recording them, or do you just... No, no, no, I'm doing them live. I'm like Rozelle. but your dick is longer and I'm just still doing it. I'm doing it into her pussy. Yeah. And then I read, you know, we do a full like table read of some episodes.

it's fun i like being live she's a bad bitch and emily likes being live son noah everyone's least favorite character emily's noah and i rescue her little baby noah he sucks what are we doing how old is he now 14 he's getting pierced yeah he's pierced he's

genderless uh huh yeah he sucks he's like when christopher went through his goth phase on the Sopranos. Not Chris. What was this? What's the... AJ. AJ, yeah, yeah.

Not Christopher Montesanto or whatever. Christopher Monsanto. Like Chris Andrea D. Medea being goth. Oh yeah, that would have been cool. Italian goth. Just wearing like long gloves. He's dressed like the crow.

Donnie's like, Christopher, what are you doing with this outfit? He's like, I'm being me for one's part. You never see the cross. It's badass He's a white hero He got that cool Slick hair He likes rock and roll

Motorcycles What do you want Tome? Come on I'm the crow Can you call me The crow boss You call him Polly Walnuts This is insane

I want to be the crow You're seeing these motherfuckers hair They're wearing They got big buffons Since 1990 Don't If I want to be the crow

I say let's go shit yeah all right that's good tattoo that's good slushy time to get a good tattoo but yeah what were we talking about oh so much stuff you know what we were talking about there's no way we're there yet we're like 18 minutes in and you're already pulling the trigger

I just looked he's killing it you were doing the crow thing I was doing something else yeah not yes ending You were just counting the ceiling tiles. Well, I'm doing maybe some of the best riffing. What do you got? I did not count this. I was looking at you. I know.

You were going like this. And you were loving it. No. What about this? There's nothing wrong with your intuition, but it never hurts to know the numbers are on your side. When it comes to placing bets, you need Hall of Fame.

Oh, my God. I want to be in the Hall of Fame. Of podcasting. No, for beatboxing. but television television soundtracks beatbox banging bedroom beatbox

she doesn't know what that is so it's not as distracting to young MTA and I'm always faking a heart attack to get out of work oh get out of going down on her no I love going down on my wife

shut up it's so intimate put me in the Hall of Fame for Cunalingas God what well Hall of Fame uses historical data do you have the historical data to back that up on how much she loves getting gone down on yeah you're not talking you're

doing the beatboxing around the box beating yeah et cetera no i'm i think she really i think that she would say i'm probably number one ever yeah well yeah she had four guys go down on her in our life oh i bet it was a bunch of chicks and dudes whoa all right probably a dog or two god how many women how many women have done that one out of a thousand oh i don't know Allegedly all of them? Well, yeah, but urban legend, but is there truth to it? Probably not,

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And we're back. And we're back. Hey, it's me, Walnut, Kevin. I'm hitting here with the coconut duo. Boys, you guys are playing right here in town. You're playing at Count Bassie's Theater right up there in Red Bank. What can the folks expect when they come to the Coconut Duo this weekend? Some Red Stank.

In Red Bank. You can bank on it. This guy doesn't talk to him. What did he say? He hasn't talked in a year. What did he say? What did you say? A lot of Calypso drums.

A lot of Calypso drum. Now I see why you don't let him talk. Clipso style drums, spicy, marimbas. Yep. We're going to be playing those old whale teeth all night long. And I heard you guys have the biggest whale teeth in the northern hemisphere. We're swinging the dance hall from the udders until the milk falls out. Hey, well, guess what I'll bring my cereal bowl.

That's right, guys. You can see the coconut duo this weekend. Shave us up. What are you, Vishnu? Are we going to talk about Vishnu? What are we talk about what we did yesterday? Yeah, we had a nice thing. We can talk about the whole day and night, the whole roller,

coaster called Life in the USA? Yeah, up here in the north-eastern Beltway. My beltway's a lot. I had a good time. You pretended to have a good time and then told the crowds last night. I said that we were stupid and lame.

No, no, no. And you yawned and did the jerk-off motion all day because you're such a good friend. You drove. You drove. On stage, you drove us. Drove everywhere. I didn't even though you didn't. I know.

I'm being hyperbolic. Well, as opposed to line. lying like you. Well, I lied on stage for the benefit of the crowd. Yeah. All right,

because guess what? When I brought up Kevin Smith, it was a real Elena Bamfield situation where she had no idea who the fuck you guys were talking about.

As Lund listed off every film? No, was you listed off every film. No, I did. You listed off every film. Went 0 for eight or whatever. She didn't recognize anything. She said, oh, I know about rat race

and I went, yes, that's a movie, but we're talking about mall rats. That was pretty classic. She came out about seven years before you were born. so why don't you sit your white ass down and listen yeah learn something from white men yes

we're educating you on Kevin Smith films which were not for girls chasing Amy was about what a guy who like stalked a woman across time zones it was about a guy turning a lesbian a lot of it was centered on is she really gay can she be flipped

she's gay but she's never had a load of me huh quit but I quit doing whatever you're doing with your hand while raising your eyebrows and looking over your shoulder. Okay, well, it doesn't look like it's your leg, you're itching. Oh, he's going Joe Ash style. He's touching it. You're touching your pud because we're talking about chasing Amy.

No. But yeah, we did Kevin Smith stuff. We went to the quick stop from clerks and that was surreal. The building next door, the video store is nothing. It's boarded up, but it was the podcast studio, you said. Yep, Smodcastle. But it's nothing.

It's boarded up, but there's like some stuff on the outside, you can see posters or whatever, or the sign. But going in the quick stop was crazy. It was like being in the film. Sure. I mean, I don't know, but you walk in and all of a sudden, it's like you're in a VR experience. Yeah, you've gone into a million little grocery stores and gas stations, but this felt crazy to us, to anybody who's 19 or whatever. I mean, you guys did every line from every movie for the whole drive, which Becker extended by 35 minutes said a lot of stuff yeah yeah yeah it was fun the uh the cigarette rack was the same the coolers were still the same like the amount of the store that hadn't been updated in

what fucking 35 years the lighting seemed reminiscent of the film yeah it was like bright but dark at the same time the the coolers the fridges it was like the racks were still the same way should have been in black and white that'd be crazy it would have been cool if you walked in there and a man came up and just fucking hit you in the side of the head just like takes a little pan hits you in the side of the head and you're like and you can't see color that would be awesome he's perfected it it's his job so that like eight and a half out of ten times you're colorblind for 12 minutes yeah you have the time of your

life right and then the other two out of ten times you can't smell ever again you lose your sense of taste potential dog yeah yeah turn into a dog for the rest of your time It really shows who's the real fans are, you know? You're willing to risk at all. Take the risk. Oh, yeah. You have to sign a waiver. And people do it.

Yeah, no, that was very cool. And then the Secret Stash comic book store and the movie theater. Oh, yeah. Had a bunch of cool shit. The movie theater actually had, like, more movie posters than the comic book store had. So I'm glad we did both. Different ownership at the quick stop, as you pointed out. Maybe original owners, according to Beckman.

I think it is the original owners. the family yeah i see but then what they scared him out of there during the the filming they filmed at night at night yeah that's why they have the sign that says i assure you we're still open it was over the metal grate and then they let kevin film at night while they were closed i see interesting do you want to tell your funny idea your little joke you did well it'd be pretty neat to imagine not to hear it from my mouth but to imagine these um I think they're from India. Proud Indian business owners.

Probably these Indian guys. If they want to lean in to the fact that this is where clerks was shot, if they want to enhance the experience for Kevin Smith fans, moviegoers that come in, they could say lines like I did in the van, lines like snoochie-boochies. Right. For example.

It would really be kind of fun if in order to, because I mean, these are just Americans, you know? You're just doing a New Jersey accent. If you would honor the fans and us with your, how they might actually say it. No. Oh, okay. Well, what are you doing? It's really funny, and I don't think it's that big of a deal.

Oh, yeah. Was it a big deal last night when nobody laughed? Well, I don't think they got it because no one knows who Kevin Smith is. Oh, no. Yeah, I think that was it. No, that wasn't. Okay. Becker, do you want to do the voice?

I was contemplating it, but I don't think I want to either. Well, you guys are being oddly. No. I guess, aware of your surroundings, maybe? Yeah. It's a big departure from the Patreon episode, sir. Yeah, well, it's on the show, stupid. Like, what are you doing?

Now, playing real dumb, like, even dumber than usual. I know, I just, I just didn't think it was a big deal, and I wanted to hear you do it because it's funny. Well, why would I do it last year? Well, you stole it last night. I asked if I could do it because you weren't going to do it. Yeah, because. Because why?

We're not doing that. Oh, what? Impressions of hardworking threads that define America? Not everything is for everybody. Okay. Well, you know what wasn't for everybody yesterday's events? It was in the van. Okay.

It was in the van. It lived in the van. You did it on stage, like I said. And it was awesome. No, it's just because they don't know all the things we know. You know, you live and you learn. They're young. They're young and they're dumb and they fucking ate a bunch of loads.

Is that true? Oh, yeah. Last night a guy came in. And he's like, I really didn't come all day. A lot of loads, y'all. Yeah. Yeah. God.

No. I know it's not true, but it's so gross to fucking picture. Well, because you're jealous. Yeah. There's a world out there where guys are doing what you want to do all the time. That's what I really want to eat, not Toulurcio. Oh, yeah, we went to Toulorcios. We went to Toulersios.

I had a panic attack. Had to do a lap. He came back in fine form after that, though. I came back because I said. But you got rocked. I got my, I got fucked up. I don't know what happened. it was as bad as you as it was well i don't think if if we had just gotten stoned in that thicket

in the pine baron which uh no one seems to think is a good episode of sopranos but i think it might be the best one um i'd take this just in that's funny keep keep cooking so we get we had a little tiff you and i because i said we should go smoke weed behind the building and you were like why don't we smoke over here? You were standing by trees, but I thought we were going to stand in the parking lot in the shade provided by said trees. And I said, why not over here?

And then you were like, yeah, let's go over there, you stupid asshole. I can't remember word for word, but I can kind of get like the vibe of it. Hey, you, you think you're so cool. Well, I got news for you. There's a real dog who knows where to bury a bone and it's over here.

So why don't you get out of your fucking high castle and come and hang out with us, the real ones? And I'm like, whatever, dude. so then I go over there and there's a nice little body blow you're not rocked but it's a solid body blow I mean you know what it's not a physical piece of violence but it is like when mr. Yamaguchi would blow poison slime in his opponent's faces you know what I'm talking about no the wrestler would blow the slime mr. Yamaguchi what was his name mr. Fuji sorry mr. Fuji would go and have slime it was some kind of green poison Tajiri

did that? How many slime-blowing Asian-American did that? I don't know. I thought his name was Mr. Yamaguchi. No. And now you're coal-dragging me. No, I'm trying to figure it out

because I figured you would know. I don't know. What you're talking about? Mr. Fuji did salt. The green mist was, yeah, Great Muda in like the 90s, and then Tijiri and ECW in the late 90s. That must have been who I saw.

Because I was in ECW had. Great Muda had a mask. I think Tijiri. The jiri did not have a mask. Tijiri was with William Regal for a long. Yeah, Tijiri, and his face would always be green and he'd look insane after he blew it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, that's what it felt like.

With some kind of, like, you know, non-physical but emotional Tijiri-esque green mist. And I thought that I was your William Regal. But as I said yesterday, I kind of woke up grumpy and I thought it would dissipate, but it didn't. And then there we are after. And I wasn't really mad about the elongated car ride. but maybe I internalized some anger anyway I was sour and then I was smoothed out by that great gas

that guy gave us shout out to secondhand stories got high and then as we're walking across the parking lot I say to you guys what are we going to do this weed would be perfect if I didn't have to see or talk to anyone for like 20 minutes

if I could just lay in the grass that's the intended use of this strain of cannabis and then we walk into what can only be described as a central jersey portal to hell you guys have been talking about Tlercios nonstop and I'm not indicting the product

the product was good but the hour and 15 minutes of wait time in the brightest room with the soundtrack of techno remix Bon Jovi classics was not what I needed in that moment is that fair to say that the music was a lot well and it's funny too because

hadn't we just talked about I joked about turning on lightning bolt while Thicker was driving Yes Panic attack Panic attack Die die die die die die you're gonna die Fuck you fuck you

Yeah drive drive drive drive drive drive Drive me out of control Flip the van Flip the van Your side burns aren't gonna save them at all Flip the van What was it was literally Oh the fray

Get over my head With like a house beat Over my head Everybody He was like way down On yonder on the chat. Too loud. Yeah.

I was surprised you, but you bailed 40. You were the under. You were the under. I take the under on 45. You're probably 38 seconds. I found the shovel because it was buried in my cerebellum. And I had to yank it out with some sunlight and some breathing exercises. I was like, okay, I think I can do that.

But the line was long. And I stood there for long enough to see that not only was there zero movement, I didn't see a single face. behind the counter so that's that must be a new jersey thing you walk in you don't see anyone for a long time they're doing something trust the process yeah i'll be back hold your horses they're doing a greased pig contest with the risler for instagram in the back Everybody's out there Not a single worker

decided to hang back and help people They're all out there They're all trying to catch the rig They're all grease There's 50K on the line Sponsored by PowerAid Yeah St. Anthony's hospital's getting that 50K

one way or the other Yeah, they just grease up the Rizzler in swim trunks, and then they were like, let him lose in a pen. It's just a bunch of guido's trying to tackle him, but he squeezes out like toothpaste. Have you ever seen a grease pig contest? Oh, dude, they're so funny. I don't think I've been at one. Oh, they're a blast. You've seen them.

Yeah, for sure. Been in one. No, I've seen him, though, at Elizabeth Stampede. Yeah. I actually, I wish. I understudied the Rizzler. I didn't even get the role. Yeah.

Yeah, I was nude. You said in a video audition. I still had to get dipped every goddamn morning just in case. You know, the Rizzler tore an ACL. They had to put me in. The Rizzler's in his trailer. He won't come out. Dip Sam in the bucket.

Submerge me. I come out. dripping yeah and just a bunch of cowboys trying to catch me so yeah that's what was going on to lersios yesterday so there's no movement because of the grease stuff riz catch what about this we were in the worst spot yeah you can be in right with a line which is in front of the door we're either outside waiting to be able to come in and be out of the doorway or we're in the doorway to like make sure people know hey we're in this fucking line so that sucked to me and you left right away i think because like the idea of being right there knowing people are going to

come in be like what the hell yeah well uh sucked i went and i looked at the canoli case i was like this will cool me down and then for some reason that spiraled me more and more it freaks me out because i was like what if i was in there oh shit and then i just walked by you guys and went i can't be in here right now and i walked down the music was a big part of it I'm sure. And I walked down to the end of the line and back while doing my Marine Corps breathing. And I was like, okay, I'm going to get back in. I was gone for like maybe five, ten minutes.

Yeah, not even. And then when I got back in there, I was like, cool, they're going to be deep in the line. I can kind of walk in and be like, sorry. Hey, boys, how are you? You guys, you moved Zip, Zilch, not a little. No, I walked in, I was right there. There was another jag behind you. There was another chode in the dish.

but uh yeah no it was not it was then we waited for what an hour and 15 minutes an hour i think it was about an hour yeah it was more than an hour yeah well after we ate so that was tough but it was also so fucking good it was really good they were good guys they kept hand it out uh those fried ravioli's

which were great um they gave us that was the the best thing they could have done hey folks here you go do it twice not just once twice was even crazier work the line yeah and it's not even crazy you get rid of like 10 of them and a bunch of people are somewhat satiated whatever right and the risler can only eat so many they just feed them and the risler's straw all hey keep your fingers away from the risler's mouth he starts acting like mini me doesn't talk as much as feral uh-huh they have them on a leash yeah he's always like spray bottle yeah he's not trying to bite

gnashing his teeth they'd be yank him back does the does the thing tries to bite tries to bite his own hand his own finger no no no Riz just do the thing don't eat him they throw him a chicken cutlet to distract him man I hope

it's not going to turn out all right for him that's all I'm saying no if you want to take the under on Rizzler's life expectancy I wonder if Stan Hope has him in the death pool, but they're going to find him. I want to know, too. Here's my question for you guys is how tasty were your sandwiches. Oh, my God. Also, they were really good.

That guy recognized me. We did not ring the bell. Now the guy from the videos, unfortunately. No, just like the coolest guy there. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, that's cool. I want to tell the guy from the videos, hey, we're from the. stress factory oh comedians yes oh let's do a video all right kings of

telersios it's on the house right whatever you want fill your pockets 20 minutes with the risler Jesus Christ yesterday two seconds in seconds in says something that makes it a Patreon this time tries so hard to make get up Adrian. We're not saying anything untoward. You're nasty. You're a bad guy. I'm not nasty, man.

I'm having fun on my podcast with my friends. God. It's our podcast. It's kind of owned by a couple different companies. Yeah, we leased it out. Dave T. Industries. He's got us under his thumb. Discrete investments.

He fucked us. These contracts suck. Dave T. It sucks when a guy who claims to be real cool and chill has that weird part of their brain that's cutthroat business guy Yeah, yeah, pennies over people Investing, seeing that we have something

And that we don't know how to evaluate it Right, because it's just started and who knows And he sees it and he buys low And he just fucking... He's still going to sell high. Start swinging his dick around day three or whatever. Oh, yeah, close your robe, Dad. Jesus Christ.

And the power move for sure. Quit asking Becker if he's seen your peg leg. Where's the shovel? Oh, here it is. All right, nice. You guys want to plant any rose bushes? God. My dad's shovel-shaped hog.

His dugout bell and... The grave digger? Yeah. Oh, no. The grape digger returns. Yep. That's why he asked for the cemetery after dark. So we could inter my mother, as per her wishes.

All right. So let's get back to our... He fucked the earth out. Let's get back to our day yesterday. Yes, it was a great day, man. Sandwiches. Top-notch, really nice stuff. I'd love to eat there again.

Becker told the man who worked at a comic book shop that he loves him. Yeah, we were in there for four seconds. It was like Zabnix. That's the weirdest under. It's crazy that he was there working. Kissed his forehead. Like you were Sam and he was Deacon Gray. What was the name of that place?

Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash. Secret Stash, yeah. Mm-hmm. and you walked in and he saw a guy and he went fucking love you guy yeah it was Mike Zabzick he rules and he was like yeah shit kid no one ever says that to me unless it's my wife hey yeah he acted like he normally gets yelled at by comic book nerds hey I'm Zapsig man why you give me a big old kiss

and you went yeah you know I make my living off a podcasting I love him he's so good so uh you and me are like the same guy I'm in making show I stole from the best I took everything you ever said and I made it my thing. Yeah. And I'm successfully at podcasting now. Thank you, Zapsick.

The rest of the guys he did all that stuff with also still podcast their ass off. He just quit. He might still do Sunday comics, but not regularly. Well, he helped me

locate a $70 trade paperback. So thanks, Zapsick. What a steal. Yeah, I just kind of said yes. And then I didn't know it was going to be $70.

But, hey, I can't wait to see it on my bookshelves forever what am i going to read the shadow yeah they're cool crime stories you sound like me i need the room oh this is my room get a time get out my cards down switch out that zin for a tumm's get off in the other way take a downer you got to even out you're breaking through yeah on dmt How about DMT guy? Classic. Oh, my God.

Kicking it with BK.K. Shrodd's cousin. Wait, so the show, the day, the fucking sandwiches are great. We come back here. We're like, oh, my God, the sandwiches. And then we have two shows. Also, tell them what you ordered, by the way. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Me?

Yeah. No, someone else with the noteworthy order. I got a nice little sandwich. Yeah. I got a half sandwich. I got a duwop. I got, yeah, I got a whole the spank, which was

mortadella and prosciutto and so prosada with some kind of new Italian soft cheese I'd never had that I forget the name of that was really good. I think Belpeia. It was the dill, it was the dill cream cheese that grandma's love. It was so good.

And then I also got a large chow zello, which was chicken and lemon juice and lemon zest and fried ravioli. and olive oil and hot honey and it was amazing that sandwich was actually very good and we so Sam and I each got a half hero

and it was massive it was quite large yes because the man who was nice to you in line walked by with his order and I said he was like hey keep it's leasy yeah yeah and I was like is that a half or a hole he was like this is a half it's a half baby carrying it like a construction worker with a yeah by 12 uh huh yeah

It was like fucking Paul Bunyan. He had a hard hat on. Yeah. And I had a hard on too. Ivis. Yeah. He was Australian royalty. And you ordered, these sandwiches that you got were what?

I mean, they were cut into halves. They were cut. And those halves were two halves of that, so fours. Right. But they were wrapped up in four logs. Right. And the bag was like you were transporting bricks of fucking fish gale. It was so heavy.

It was so heavy. It was great. It was redonk, donk, don't. in a big way. Yeah. And they gave us all free, or they gave two of us, because we didn't ring the bell

because they'd been handing us free fried ravioli in line. But they still gave us two big, like, quart containers of fried ravioli to eat as well. Way too many fried ravioli. Let's be honest. As a child, did I think

that that was the peak of hot cuisine? Yes, I did. But how old were you? I don't know, eight, nine. No. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

when you said it I meant to ask how old and I figured you were older because you're making those no so I know they're hard to make but you were eight or nine when I was eight or nine I know that I was eight or nine because when I was still at running Creek Elementary

and I was there until fourth grade so fourth grade I moved to singing hills I did fried ravioli for my class for like some kind of cultural exchange day so that's third grader under however old that is nine or eight Yeah, and I made fried ravioli for everybody.

Did I share a lot of them? Big chef's hat? No, but huge, like, mustache. But not Italian. Who made you? Whispy? Like Dave T. Right, yeah.

It was my dad's. I saved his when he cut it off because he promises this time, Betsy. It's fun of deal. Because this time it's for real. So, yeah. But back then I would just get the bag and then, you know, dust them a little bit of egg really poorly done and then fry them and they were gross but my mom was like all right well a little step letter yeah no I was huge dangled it was okay yeah it was in that

nipple thing and then dumping a bag of frozen ravioli into oil and then that turning into flame and just roasting me and I'm dangling over it like a rotisserie chicken all my clothes burn off my mom comes in, I'm naked. Hang with my nipples. I'll cut you down. Let me get the fucking bolt cutters. She thinks you're being insistent on doing it yourself, but it's that you don't want her to, ideally she has no idea, you're getting pulled up by your nips.

Right, yeah. It made perfect sense at the time. I didn't know it would become my definitive sexual fetish. But, uh, Emmy, remember to grease up the pulley. I want to swing in this time swinging you pull yourself up and then shove off the wall

but it's in push it real Zuck Zuckerman but anyway I used to make those

and then eventually I got to making my own pasta dough rolling the mount making ravioli uh me and mel actually one of our first like bro downs we made pasta and ravioli that's nice but yeah i thought fried ravioli was like the coolest thing you could do i was like of course what if you know how to make fried ravioli you're smart and cool that's like what my little fat brain thought i should have been a gay man honestly i have all of like the classical interests of like you know the gay community how did the gay kids do that came out of elizabeth oh no None of them came out.

Well, actually, Josh Scott made it, and now he's like a hot swinging D.C. gay. He was in Sophie's grade. Then there was a kid on dance team whose, like, letter jacket I put on one time at a pep rally. And his dad came to school the next day, trying to kick my ass. What? Yeah, and I was like, what? Like, and he's like, you know. And I was like, what is going on, dude?

And he's like, you know why you did it. I was like, what is going on here, sir? And he's like, you know. I didn't know his son was gay. Why did you put it on? Because we were friends. It had like dance patches on it and he had my letter jacket on. It was fun.

It was fun. You switched and your friends, but why did he, why did the dad freak out? Why did he even hear about it? I have no idea, but he came in. Actually, I was working at the volleyball stand selling the snacks because student council had to. And he, that's where I was approached by this man. And he's like, it was pretty much like, you know why you put it on it? danced around.

He's crying. Yeah. You know about my boy. He's my boy. I love it. They raised him like a daughter, but he's my boy. He can fight,

but I can fight for it. Right, I will. You son of a bit. I still got fight left in me. Now you get me the nachos with the good jalapinos. The ones that are still in the liquid, so they put a little juice on there

and you make a little slurry at the bottom and the best chips are the last chips. You make that for me. He's son of a bitch, and you don't dance around in my gay son's jacket ever again. Yeah, so he, like, added his son.

I was like, what? You were incredulous, weren't going to fight him? Or were you insane, young hot god? No, no. I was not going to fight this man. I was very much trying to be diplomatic. Were you 350? Me?

Oh, I was like prime fuck machine. But I'm saying how, what was that, 290? It was during girls volleyball, so that's during football. So yeah, I was over 300. You know? Right, a brick shithouse. Yeah, fucking shitting batteries. Breathing fire.

Yeah, it was a little. dragon they call made people call me dragon remember sammy when i made you call me dragon yeah there was a lot of that what was that kid's name maybe i did know he was gay but it was still fun but you were friends with him yeah and he and he was friends with everyone he was the son tries to maybe tell the dad that a cool thing happened and the dad's such a dumbass like homophope that he freaks his shit out or maybe the dad he's bullying you maybe the dad busted me wearing his son's jacket at that event is what yeah and i was like flitting around no no i wasn't

no yeah for sure join the patreon please patreon.com oh sure don't say anything patreon.com slash clam up clam bake patreon.com slash showbohemith

please there's not that many we filmed our own is on the patreon everybody thinks that we're rich and famous come on we're three to a room it's been awful get in there there's five years worth of killer shit So please join the Patreon.

Tell your friends about the Patreon. I'm flying Becker in out of my own damn pocket so we can do these all live together. We're bleeding money. Yeah, I'm upside down. We're having fun. Thank you for listening. SamTalent.com for his dates. Sacramento.

Plenty of tickets available. All right. If you want to come to Austin, one show has tickets available. So get those. Tempe. Jesus Christ. And of course, the big diamond comedy festival in October. Holy shit.

That's going to be a blast, dude. If you guys knew with the shit that I had planning without fucking, you know, grandpa watching over my shoulder saying, why would you do the voice? Guess what? The guy who runs that festival

with me, his name is Raj Suresh. I've got carte blanche. So nobody can be mad at you. Oh, you mean that weekend? Oh, I've been doing it all over. He's the mayor of Bentonville. I did it in an interview with the Bentonville Free Press

with me and Raj. I couldn't say shit. You did. I did, yeah. I kept talking about how Raj and I are friends despite coming up in different castes.

That's fun. It was great. But you're paling around with your buddy in that instance. Sam Talent.com for tickets. Becker, tell them where they can find you. I will be on the Patreon episodes with these guys.

And I'll be at most of the shows you just mentioned. Wide World, episode three, Colorado coming soon. Yeah. Yep. Because we're fucking independent and we ain't afraid of no COVID. I don't need no man. I just need these guys.

i just need my boys my boys man can we stop that's you that's you lund it's cool you