Chubby Behemoth - I Was Big Yesterday

Episode Date: June 15, 2025

SPONSORS: Factor - Support the show and get 50% off plus free shipping on your first Factor box. Use code CHUBBY50OFF at https://www.factormeals.com/CHUBBY50OFF   ExpressVPN - Support the show and get up to 4 extra months of ExpressVPN for free. Head to https://www.expressvpn.com/CHUBBY   Hims - Support the show and start your free online Hims visit at https://www.hims.com/CHUBBY     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are in Eugene Oregon podding in bed. Sam wants one day of the week to wake up as a different bodied-man, has a scientist that has designed a slime apparatus, and has an idea for a cleaning station at the airport. Nathan minced around in one of Sam’s shoes, got a musical treat from a nude Sam, and almost choked on shit sausage laughing at himself.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]    

Give me fuel, give me fire, let me have what I desire. Ugh. Shhh. Tess Metallica. I had this conversation with a guy in London about whether, or no, I actually had the conversation with Bigzo. Alonzo Mourning? I wish, no.

Bigzo. The kid from Fancy Lad. Shout out Fancy Lad Skateboards. We've got a cool collab coming with Wide World and Fancy Lad. Would you skateboard if you could ride an official Bonzo skateboard? If I couldn't be killed or get hurt at all? Yeah, we're gonna wrap you in bubble tape first

and then push you down a hill and we're gonna set the hillbomb record. Wrap me in Xanax, I won't feel shit. We're gonna feed you Xanax and wrap you in like, what would be fun? It'd be fun to wrap you, well marshmallows obviously, that comes to mind. But I think it'd be fun to wrap you in like, raw salmon,

so when you do hit the pavement, you cook the salmon with like friction. Whoa. Just saying. Seared. And you can do that on official Fancy Lad Bonzo brand wide world skateboard, potentially coming up. Bonzo's face on there? Yeah, Bonzo like turtle boy,

like just straight up steel Templeton's drawing from no toy machine boards of Bonzo. It's gotta be Bonzo being like, I'm a skateboard? I'm skateboard? He's confused that he's on the board. So I'm like a skateboard guy. So you're the toad man? So you're just like the toad guy? Oh yeah. No, but what's your favorite Metallica record? I don't know man. Oh good.

Okay. Load. So you're like the load guy. Kirk Hammons like well, that's one of the albums I did. Yeah, no, it was like I only know load load. I only know load and you're the guy. It was like ride the load. Does he taste like but does it taste like but I'm tasting sound. You just came home and punish the rest of our size New York pizza. Shout out size here in Eugene. Thank you for the pizza pie. Is it called size? I don't care. That guy didn't know who I was. Yeah, he did. I'm kidding. It was lovely. He only knows you're like who your favorite comics

made. He's like, well, I mean you and Adam Ray are both killing it Tony doing his thing you know whatever he's like Tony's gonna Tony Tony's Tony gonna Tony Tony Tony Tony and then he goes to Carlin and I go to Seth Milstein He doesn't know any comics. He's like the carlin guy So you just like say carlin or prior because a guy at a pool hall said that once wait so am I right like literally a skateboard way back to like where are my wheels and trucks. Let's get back to the

skateboard thing. Can I put my own grip tape on me fundas back is covered in grip tape. They were always shoving him and he doesn't, like we shove him on like a parquet floor, but he doesn't slide at all. He just, cause he's gripped up. Seth has a hand tattoo, like a real hand tattoo. I said Seth Milstein four seconds ago.

Nice. But you were doing your grip tape thing. Hey, I'm trying to You're in the no stick zone. Mm-hmm. Oh wait. No, it's all about stick the no slip zone Seth Milstein very funny comic Richard Pryor hand tattoo. Yeah. Well the other one is cause be the other one Yeah, who's the funniest oh I said My hand tattoos would be Kevin Meany and Larry Miller. I'd get Bill Angball on both Just double angle two different eras same mirror images

I'd get early and late Langwall and I'd be the people are stepped to me. I'd say bang. There's your son I'm standing over him tea bagging him you give him a sign that says take me to the hospital wait I'm a hospital you knock a guy out and then you pull his pants down and then you pull his dick out and when the cops find him you point and you say there's the man who raped my daughter and you pay a dwarf to act like your daughter. So five minutes in so that's good. You have a war. So if you find this episode cool nice sleuth and your dwarf with a way every other way I get legal my new friend Lee Gill from the jokers From both jokers. Yeah. Yeah Cool looking guy. Did he was he dressed cool when you were hanging out with him?

Yeah, I mean he dressed like he was gonna buy the official Bonzo board, you know, he had a boy Yeah, he had like a full on you know who wheels on his belly. He was dressed kind of like mystical or juvenile big like khaki big gene like heavy canvas like Kind of the color of the desert. I don't know. It was cool. Okay Like he was gonna pop out of a cake for like Birdman's birthday, huh? It's not a very big cake pops out of a cupcake to layer Yeah, no, just a cool-looking guy, but also all bald and little doesn't seem fair Troy or maybe

Shaved his head or was he bald and tiny? He didn't he didn't shave his head. Actually. He was born that way. He's born smooth. He's born slick. He had baby brain Al by Al Alopecia dwarfism Well, al al fuck hold on albino. No, no, no Pastor he was there tonight This guy's a pastor what's your name? Al and I like literally posed waiting for them to carry me away and it got like an okay laugh or somebody to make a statue of you.

I posed for them to take an old timey photograph where they go underneath the hood. It takes an hour. You see a bunch of flashlights explode. Isn't that funny that they had to wait an hour I think for old, I don't know if it'd be tin type it's like alchondroplasia that's the kind of dwarf okay sounds good I have no idea there's a lot of well what'd you say earlier dwarf versus what alopecia is when you're smooth no I know what alopecia is what did I say you said dwarf versus something oh I know what alopecia is. What did I say? You said dwarf versus something. Oh, I'm not sure. I just said there's the two types of little people. I think you said dwarfism

is dwarf versus little people. And I said, I'd watch that. I don't care what you said. Just set me up for my, sorry. I forgot. It's all right, man. Look, you wouldn't wear it. You walked a mile in my shoes. You're wearing my old shoes. One of your shoes on for a minute and you minced around the room I I'm not done mincing if you cut if you thought that was mincing wait till after the pot What do they get a load of load would be dancing on the ceiling? That would be awesome if well I propose this to Emily I think that one day of the week some novelty should enter our lives via AI or some kind of like reality generator. And I think it'd be fun if once a week, like on Wednesdays, I wake up and I'm a

different race. It's me, but I'm just a different model. Yeah. So we're 24 hours, Emily's married to like a Samoan guy and then the next week it's like a Cambodian and then like the next week it's like a Cambodian and like the next week It's like a you know, smooth Moroccan smooth Moroccan. Maybe I could maybe it maybe a verandroyer type one week I wake up. I'm small. It's just me, but I'm three feet tall And she has to tote me around because my femurs hurt That'd be sick dude if I was dwarf for 24 hours, ooh, I would be live-streaming the whole time I would hire the biggest guy I know

Baby-born and just like Andy Milonaka style on the streets just going on people being like I was big yesterday. What about Tomorrow I'll be big again right now. I'm small. There's nothing you can do about it But you want to kick my ass. You can't. Yesterday I was big tomorrow. I could be five hundred pounds and kick your ass tomorrow. I could be jacked. It was just one a little wagon. Yeah, being dragged behind you. You're pulling me around as I'm like, fuck you. Six hours ago, I was big. Was it important to let people know that he was not always small? If you were if you were trying to take me down, you got six days or else I'm going to be probably big again.

Hope I'm big again like I was yesterday I woke up small Talking shit smaller and smaller Just getting rocked I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you.

I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you.

I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you. I was you the kids being shrunk down so you get some of that

Oreo filling when the Oreo falls and the ants try and eat the Oreo and they get to like scoop out the guts that Oreo and just I also loved the idea of when the state puff Marsh Prelimin exploded being covered in his guts. I always wanted that to happen eating your way out of his tomb. Well I was always what's interesting is in that movie at the end Two of them are really covered in stay puff and it should have been all of them should have been splattered Bankman you can tell that Bill Murray was being a diva. He's like I'll take a dollop on my knee Pull on my knee man Played it cool. Yeah, huh. I don't remember

But I believe it's like a dude that's his it's as tall as a 10-story building No, it's like it was like a 30 story building It's a 300 foot tall stay puff marshmallow man. He pops terrifying his loads gonna be everywhere. He's gonna kill Terrifying his loads gonna be everywhere. He's gonna kill 2,000 people and I love it. It's napalm I love it would have nothing on stay put dude stay puff would rain hell from the sky literally. It's denying It's the Ted offensive, and it's just raining fire and everyone And there I am in my wagon Luckily, I'm little Yesterday I would have a melted

Luckily I'm little yesterday. I would have a melted It's good that you're little because I was a smaller target and I didn't get hit with you But the wagon is fucked cuz you keep you're getting it's stuck a rental. I got the insurance Give a shit hurts for wagon hurts Red Rider hurts donut red flyer. Yeah, but no, I would. So Alex, just Alex, our friend, our scientist, he has designed a situation for maybe at big diamond in Arkansas. I might be able to float in slime really. Mm hmm. It would cost me like a thousand bucks and I'd have to fly him down there. He has to be there.

He has to sign for the slime. He's going to make all the slime and design the tube. He's designed a tube that can explode out in case I go under. So that way he'll diffuse out and I'll emerge. He's going to make something that probably cost $950 to make. Yeah. And pocket 50 bucks. I mean, I bet it's gonna cost him more because he's gonna iterate

upon it because he's got a Microsoft computer brain. But yeah, come to Big Diamond. I think Matt McCusker is headlining. It's gonna be Bonko. I'm trying to get Mullen down there, but I don't think it's gonna happen because we need to have a woman Wow Yeah, you'll be there. I don't know if I'll be there. Why why I gotta go to Jordan and Nicole's wedding Hey, you don't I want to fucking crazy come do wrestling again a big time

I'm hoping I can do both why you want to network and hand out your packet now you phony I want to go to a very good friends wedding Nicole Nicole. I'm a cold guy Your time's over London. No Yeah, is that a Saturday yeah, what's the wrestling Sunday Saturday Sunday Saturday Maybe we push that to Sunday. No, we can push the wedding to Sunday Jordan Jordans the original. I'd love to be there. He told me it's gonna be on a Monday but it's not now. It's on a weekend.

Well John Stewart couldn't go if it was on a Monday. Is that where you're going? I want to meet John Stewart. You're such a loser. Come do the wrestling show. No. You're picking a wedding over calling wrestling? Wedding of the century. My wedding already happened. Is what they said. Well, this is a different century now. We have to talk about this. I think I'm gonna do off mic.

Both. How? I'm not, I'm gonna do the wedding. I already said you weren't going. I'll do year one of Big Diamond and year three and year four I'm actually booked. But year five I'll probably be world's fattest Jagoffs. Are they relaunching that? No they're doing a thinnest skin from the makers of thick

skin comes thin skin and guess what you win. Well yeah cuz I want you to be with me whenever I need you. For the wrestling thing. No one's gonna be at that wedding because they're all gonna be a big diamond. No, I didn't get into big time. Yeah, I mean I got a rejection letter. You gotta get to Jordan's wedding so you can see Jason Wardell stream. He's also in slot healing. He's in aloe submerged encased in aloe. It's like that bar in Montana where they have real mermaids It's every now and then you just see him dunk down Green green aloe not the clear green as hell Green aloe, not the clear kind. Green as hell. It looks like no politos.

It's just mushed up cactus slime. I mean, if they're gonna have yourist and slime, I'm going to the wedding too. No, but dude, yeah, you obviously have to, it's mandatory that you're at Big Diamond. I can't wait. It'll be fun, man Of course, I'm annoyed. I hate when two things happen and I want to do both We could be doing Luchally brand laughs tomorrow and Saturday, but we're here which I'm so stoked about

We were very excited to hang out again because it's been ten days or whatever. We were both giddy Yeah, both of our wives were like, I don't get you. Respectively. No, they get it. Emily was like, how long has it been? And I said about 321 a.m. on May 20th was the last time I saw him. You. Oh, yeah.

You got up. Not only did you wake up to say goodbye, which I don't expect, I would never ask, you woke yourself up to say goodbye, set an alarm, and played my hero by Foo Fighters on your phone as I walked out. That was pretty sick. That was crazy. And you know what, dude?

I set my alarm and I heard you leaving, and I was like, fuck, I don't wanna put on underwear and go out there and say goodbye because I'm not going to go back to bed. But then I heard you leaving and I rolled over frantically grabbed my phone put on There Goes My Hero quietly synced it up so it was that part and then there goes my completely nude by the way. Nude. Didn't put undies on. You remember I stood in the hallway like this and I was just nude by the way. Nude. Didn't put undies on.

You remember I stood in the hallway like this and I was just nude and I held up my phone. I don't remember you being nude. I was fucking pink. Where was I? You were beholden. Out the door. No, no, you were like.

Looking at your dick. You went like this. That'll do, pig. Real into it. Yeah. Remember? Remember Joe passed out? Joe-esh collapsed because my hog was out and it was his favorite song. And you were just going, nooish. My dad was upstairs in the kitchen looking down just saluting. His penis also out half-mast

It echoed throughout that building as I went down six flights of stairs. Yeah. You get to the third. Just start falling on my ass. Kikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikikik there also playing, there goes my hero, completely nude. And then you're like, okay, well, but they worked this out for me. And then you get out the door, and you can't hear it anymore from his phone. You get out the door, and I'm on a rope, repelling, down the side of the building, completely nude. There goes my... I like swing yeah I don't know what I'm doing

I'm still playing there goes my hero shit. Yep it's good stuff. Well we're out of time. What has it been eight minutes. Don't look at it. I'm delirious. Well I'm always terrified that something will go wrong. No I understand. I appreciate this will be for nothing except for watching a a party of two. Yeah, except for us laughing really hard

Wouldn't that be a bummer if we just made each other laugh? Remember we did that for we did it for free for a long time real long time some of those tapes We would need fucking nuclear submarine keys to unlock those What fun One time I told McCusker, I was like, it sucks the only time we hang out is when we're podcasting. He's like, I think it's pretty cool. We get to have a great talk.

We laugh, we see each other and then watch people hear it. I think it's pretty tight. He's like, okay. No, it is tight. Monetizing your hangs. Well, it's, except we do so much traveling as well, but like, I told you, I watched, I told you and Becker that I watched two of your five episodes of Are You Garbage? And they have, it looks like you're on the set of a sitcom. I said Full

House, I think. And I just thought, man, what if we were in the same fucking city and we had a studio, dedicated studio that we used? Why do you think I've been poisoning the water in Trinidad? Not because I want to be the Joker. It's because I want you and Becker to move into a compound in Detroit. We had the idea that we have I guess either one big building or a couple of buildings obviously it's a complete fantasy so it could be separate mansions with some type of pole or

tunnel system water so water slide mm-hmm so that we are able to get new Maddox tube pneumatic because the other one the water. Otherwise the water would dump all over the podcast stuff. It's also like who's paying for the water bill like when the water moves through all three mansions. It's like we have to split it. Becker's drinking a lot of the water. Becker's turn one of the slides into a bong getting sick. Susan is lost in one's house. bong getting sick mm-hmm Susanna's lost in Lund's house oh she wants thing out the dogs she loves the dogs yeah no I don't know I just I would be crazy if we

lived to be nice same place what really needs to happen and I think that I'm gonna try and figure it out if we can just generate enough revenue to bring Becker with us every weekend then the pod will be that much stronger. And like, maybe I do that off of t-shirt sales, but then I don't get any, then I'm losing money again. And then you're getting buttfucked. Now all of a sudden I'm being buttfucked. Well, joining the Patreon is a nice way to help that.

Also another way to help me would be buy a fucking ticket. Brisbane? What's going on? Everywhere else in Australia, gangbusters, cooking, Brisbane, June 28th, get on board or be ignored. Also sorry Adelaide, I I know I should have come down there beefed it You're going to a bunch of cities. Yeah, Melbourne Sydney, obviously

Auckland second show added Perth coming over there. I mean get your tickets, but those are all those are all gonna sell out Perth They call him Perth Melbourne. They're going to girth when I get there. You're calling it Gorse Okay in Perth Melbourne. They're going to Gert when I get there. You're calling it Gorse. Okay, sure. Yeah, you're Gorse. You're kind of you look like a Gorse. That sucks. You look like a Krug. You're straight up rug. What's up, Krug? That kind of sucks. Yeah, that's too bad. It's great. One one time dude. I saw a guy the other day that looked like you like this. No, no, like you usually look not how many slices of that pizza did you have when you got here? They're

small. They're not that big about to okay. As we got back here and I had dinner at the club charges to the game. Yeah, yeah, dude. How about that bar tab that they told us about nine hundred and eighty bucks whoops who yeah, it's tough. Some comics really just get sloppy, sloppy drug. Give me I respect him in me, put it in and like that's esplanade

or something yeah right it's not a real nice couple bottles no no no it's a couple shells it's not some do say it's a couple of shelves and the corner what about here we go the corner of the bed frame. Listen to this. All right. Yeah, no, they get it. That's too much. Sorry. Yeah. Stop. Well, someone's in there. We're gonna get in trouble. We don't even do it anymore. We have to be here for two more nights. Oh, well guess what? If we get booted from the University Inn, guess what I'm gonna do? Burn it. Burn it down. Take it down to the goddamn shocks, man. It's been burned down before.

Yeah, dude, we're butt fucked in Eugene. We're staying here in like, it's like the set of like, you know, topless co-edged three. Smells like fucking Brandy Taylor got reused in this hotel room. Smells so bad. No, it doesn't. Yeah, it's like fair Abram,

this is where they did the butt fuck video where she shit. It sucks. This place sucks. Damn, I didn't realize. Yeah. I thought we made it stink. No, I came in here and I said, very good. This was a chimp breeding ground of some kind. It was like primates were in here figuring

it out. I thought it was me. No, you barely reek. You smelt your pants earlier, which delighted me. Well, I told you, uh, you put them on your head and you said, I'm the beekeeper. No, the, I'm allergic. They, uh, I told you, I might need to, I don't like to wear shorts on the plane because I'm already fat and maybe I'm sweaty. But why would I also show like my super pale thighs on top of it all or touch my nude thigh to someone's leg where it's like, hey, please get off of me. Yeah. So the most I can do is like like shower as soon as right before I get in the car. They should have a station at the airport for guys like us. Yeah. You know, when you go through and you get body scanned, it should be another

chamber you get in and it just like, oh, yeah, there's like an opacity goes down. Your clothes are taken off by robot arms, and then just six hoses, six different nozzles come on, and they go in a 360, up and down. And just 360 degrees of hose. And then like a fan turns on. Super powerful fan. Drives you off. And then the, you know, you robot put your clothes back on opacity no

You get out Everyone's so relieved Like they weigh you well no so when they body scan you there's also like a fake nose in there it picks up on If you read no, there's a scale on the on the floor well there's a scale what else you're like a smell if you're fat enough then yeah like if you're fat enough it's not even a different then it should be the pneumatic tube and it just blasts you to your gate so you don't have to walk because if you walk you're going to get sweaty your backpack on your shirt stuck to your back. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you need. Accidentally. The taxpayers. Hose you with your clothes on and then take your clothes off. So you're nude and wet.

You get blasted to your gate with no clothes. And then like you get to the gate and everyone's like and they in the you know the gate agents like this keeps happening You know like yeah Another one we need to unionize. Yeah, this is the fifth new dead guy you get killed Yeah rips your dick off Yeah, rips your dick off. Yeah, it'd be pretty cool. Is this the free one or no? Sure.

Why? I gotta get my phone for the ad read. Okay. Or else they're gonna get mad. Yeah, yeah, I'll hold the mic for you. Oh yeah. I get it. Man you almost passed out. I got you with those really going through it. Yeah I could have slept for eight hours instead I stayed up dicking around. Yeah, we're watching Dharma and Greg midnight

Been watching workaholics if Megan's awake when she goes to bed. It's too loud between the the DJ interstitials. Yeah, I mean what? It's me watching Family Guy and all the yelling they obviously yell a lot So it is always sunny so I don't I don't always so I can't watch the town You go in the basement, right? You can't you can't do a bunch of gunfire and you can't do a bunch of screaming and a lot of funny comedies Involve screaming. Yeah the last three nights when we've gone to bed. I've been going to bed before Emily all three nights I'm upstairs brushing my teeth and she says

Every goddamn light in the house is on she has a real thick accent right now she's been hanging out their mom no shit every goddamn light in the house is a she sounds like your mom Sam the lights are in then she goes around turning them off going. Oh, there's no light. Oh Oh shit. What do you got? We have three what? Don't get enough money here the one What are they for my chemical romance If we could announce dates breaking news for MC sick if we could announce dates. Breaking news for MCR. If we could say dates. Yeah, that'd be cool. Brand new. No, there's some, some, some favorites. Right. Why spend time cooking when you'd rather be outside sweating factor.

Make sure you get awesome meals without spending all of your time in the kitchen. Factor meals arrive fresh and ready to eat. You know when you say factor, you know what I think? Yum. Your dick gets hungry. Factor meals arrive fresh and ready to eat. You just pounce on them. You waddle over, rock hard. I eat the box.

The UPS or Amazon driver kills himself They're going through Amazon drivers every couple weeks because of you because I keep attacking the trucks They call your route the the death trap. I'm like a highwayman. I'm like an old west. You're the final boss I'm a carriage robber. I Dressed up like an old lady and I'm crossing the street in front of the truck and they were very slow down And then I fucking throw up my house lady and I'm crossing the street in front of the truck and they're like, we better slow down. And then I fucking throw up my house skirt and I've got a shotgun. I'm like, give me the beef stroganoff

if you wanna keep your fucking brain in your head. Do you want your life to remain in your body? Give me the Zoodles with bolognese. And then they give me them all and then I eat them all and I'm like, all right right now I'm ready to meet God blow your head off in front of them because you had your last meal I mean there's no your own kids there's Jeff Riggles man oh that was breakfast corn pops. Hey, Biden, I got a corn for you. Hey, Biden, here's a corn pop story you might not like. I heard you were a Frisco bitch.

I might be misquoting a Dr. Snoop on the song Dre Day. Okay. There's a Jimmy joke about your mama that you might not like. I heard you were a Frisco. Might be the D. The D-sler. Well, you know who doesn't use any D-slers? Factor. Back to the hotel. Backdoor factor.

Oh, they did city. Right. This is where the after after party is. No this is where you call your mom and you're like remember when he said you wouldn't be mad at me if I needed to be picked up. It's from here and you're 17 and you were in a bang bus video. And you know what. But it was fun. Yeah, but she's a little scared of the repercussions Didn't you have that with your mom and dad you can call me anything down? So factor is a is like it's when I got my DUI I called them and they picked me up eventually Yeah, they picked you up and you blew out your mom's back. That's why she walks like that

Here's what we do you get your factor. It's like a VHS cassette you put it in your microwave That's like your VCR you go And then you stand there with your chopsticks one on each hand and you go I can't wait to eat that. I can't wait to eat it. I love the chicken teriyaki. And it goes beep beep beep. Then you open it and you rip the plastic off and then you just you you put your face in it and you get a third degree burn but you can't sue. Because Factor has very good lawyers. Oh yeah I'll bet. Yeah you pop them in the microwave or on a skillet for two minutes beep boop bop two zero zero. Yeah go and you're all set you're literally on you're halfway to eating. Yeah halfway to full tummy town. You don't have to heat them up. That's the thing like they say you should. They

don't say you have. They say you should do a lot of stuff. I'm saying I'm saying technically I mean maybe what maybe heat them up. I mean heat them up before you eat them up. That's what I always say. Bad boy. Or if you have a long drive you put it on your seat and then you sit on it and you hatch it like an egg. That's what I call it. There are more than 45 weekly menu options. What? what yep it's more weeks than they're on the year that means practically when you only have six months to live it's more than enough there's a me actor will save you there's a meal for whatever mood you're in actor will not leave you save you sad mm-hmm gross every mood there is lazy and depressed gaming stupid even have

breakfast lunch lunches snacks and desserts dude you got 24 hours of factor guess what what chicken but whole thing is factor now yeah I used to be bacon or the cherry poppin daddy maple syrup yeah real deal maple syrup yeah guess what cherry poppin daddy's were bacon yeah fast cars hot rods LARPing yeah now your whole thing is factor and everybody loves you for it we've had it it's great it works even if you don't Even if you're in between jobs. Oh yeah, Factor is there for you. In between hobbies.

You used to do puzzles. Next up, maybe trains, maybe Lego. Yeah, Factor will be there. Model airplane. Then you get into the glue, and that's your real hobby. That's right, love Liza. You ever watch that? Oh boy, gasoline.

PSH. Oh yeah. Oh, it wasn't glue, yeah, it was gasoline. Gasoline. P.S.H. Oh yeah. Oh it wasn't glue, yeah it was gas. Gasoline. Dummy Mo Gasoline. Maybe, maybe in my top 10. Definitely in my top 20. Love Liza. All time, yeah.

Come on. What do you mean come on? It's such a downer. You wanna talk about it? How many times have you seen it? Probably a hundred times. No. Yeah, no probably.

That's like me in Spotlight. Probably 10 times. You've seen Love Liza. Yeah. It's my Yeah, my favorite My favorite Philip Seymour Hoffman movie. It's so many times. Yeah, it's great. We should be on IFC all the time He's writing letters. He's huffing rags. I was like this guy rocks He makes the noise cuz it's not huffing aerosol. Yeah

Still makes this slurping sound. Baby one paps blue ribbon. He whenever you have the rag actually he became Verne Troyer in blue velvet. Yeah. So look one day it's just going to be a pellet that comes in the mail. This is one of three. One look your food eventually just going to whether you're some guy's gonna come by who works with the stage. It'll be a pill. And you're gonna go in front of your cage and he's gonna come by with a blowgun and just right into your open mouth. Then you're gonna sit down and play GTA 7 without using your hands.

So enjoy it while you can. Factor makes food easy to chew and eat and swallow. It saves you time. My dad loves them. He's a single guy. Emmy likes them a lot because they have vegan options. Then she makes me eat them and I go, yeah, this was good. And it is because it's factor other vegan options you get in the mail bad.

I mean, I got, I ate a bunch of hay the other day. Some guys sent me the mail. It's artisanal hay. I love the chutneys. You had the chutneys. I don't know that I have but I can't wait. This is the first one. I can't wait. We don't get any money for whether you're counting calories counting crows packing in the protein packing fudge or following a specific dietary lifestyle Scientology Factor has meals for whatever you need back to or get started at factor meals comm slash chubby

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Is it Turtle Beach? Who could even guess? I don't know. I'm scared. We all know that you're one incognito tab away from a trip to HR say I'm getting here You've been surfing the web Naughty surfing dude your boss calls you in you're like, oh no, so you like tape yourself to your chair Like duct tape and you put it over your mouth and then you like look how safe I am

duct tape and you put it over your mouth and then you like look how safe I am That that was close. I was gonna say you get in there and you like tiptoe in in the chair It's red tape like wow this jobs hard You work it off I can't be mad at you! There's s***! Alright, well... You jump out the window. We're not supposed to get too crazy with this one, so shut up for a minute and a half. Oh, it's this one! Yeah.

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the internet. A literal tunnel. Tunnel? They put tunnel in? They think it's not funny? It's a tube. You put your b**** into a pneumatic tube. Becker, bleep that.

No. It's a tube. It's just like Al Gore. It would take a hacker with a supercomputer Black Mirror episode Okay It would take This is serious It would take a fucking hacker

with a supercomputer over a billion years to get late to get a date No, to get past ExpressVPN's encryption date to get a date no to get past express VPNs encryption so your info is seriously safe I use it on the go I use it at the zoo I don't people I just use the shit out of this are like legit in Paris yeah yes to watch shit on Netflix

that's scrambled the whole thing man andmi was able to watch SVU over there, but she couldn't get... Dude, literally, this saved my ass because Emi couldn't sleep the first two nights she was there. And she was like, I just want to watch SVU. And I used ExpressVPN and she went right to bed. Nice. It's illegal to use it that way.

Whoops. ExpressVPN works on your phone, laptop your tablet and more so all of your devices are good to go Secure your online data today by visiting express VPN comm slash chubby. That's expr ESS VPN comm slash chubby to find out how you can get up to four extra months free express VPN dot com slash chubby And we have to wait for the third one it to load no just we have to let's let's okay Let's take a freaking breather. He was white they just They love it. Well, they just dangle it. And it's like, come on,

let us be bad. Let's be bad. We're better with me. Bad. We just sold however many factor words, factor boxes and VPNs. Dude, if factor would send you like zins and a joint, I would sign up for that. Zins and a joint every day. You should do that in the meal. In the meal? The fact or meal? If every day I could get an envelope with a quesadilla and a little like Pokemon. What about stew in the mail? Just a wet, wet yellow envelope? Handful of stew.

Pokemon card. That'd be a cool job. Ken Griffey Jr. card. The collectible stew delivery man. Shredded cheese. That's what Rich DeMore should do. When his dad passes he gets the baseball card shots. Do you like Cincinnati chili? Do you like Cal Ripken Jr.? Card stock. It's a baseball card and some bone broth. Card stock. Mine was good too.

Wood stock. I didn't hear it. It's too busy. Doing this. Yeah. Whatever that is. Now Lund, we've been away from each other. Any big developments in the life of Lund?

We lost him. What now? I've been awake longer than you have. I slept five hours, I had a lot of traveling. I slept two hours. Why only two? Because I was up late going nuts. Making shirts.

You made shirts nude, do you want to talk about that? Oh, I shouldn't tell them that. Oh, well. No, yeah, of course. Dude, I got home. From here. Shout out. Well, yeah, I did. Kill Tony at the O2 Arena.

The cat's out of the beep. Bad bag. That was the theme of the night. Dude, you know. The cat in the chat. Difficult, tough night in show business for the kid. Kid dynamite. Yeah, shouldn't have been a home game or what?

Oh, they were just very rowdy, dude. They disruptive and rowdy. They said doors at six thirty. Rowdy rowdy pipe. Half of Mudford and Sons was the house band all night. Yeah, but they played for like they played from like six thirty until like eight thirty five when Tony finally went out two hours of playing like hey

Let's hear it for a jump and Joe Frazier over there Joe why don't you take that piano for a walk and then he'd play like 12 minute piano solo like desperately looking over and they just be like they were playing like what were you doing for those two hours? Like they were playing like what were you doing for those two hours? Tony was in the back figuring out where we could smoke cigarettes and where we couldn't smoke cigarettes. I was following him around with joints Was hanging with Lee Gill you're back on flower legal was there legal was there. Yeah lethal Lee. You didn't say that Oh, yeah, Lee hung out twice. Yeah, and then all night long Lee Gill Joker damn cool guy both jokers. Mm-hmm

He's in both of them. He's probably like the third most famous dwarf alive, which is pretty cool nuts Dinklage the God obviously which is a hilarious name for a little chola from The little person wrestling Federation. Yes, of course. I forgot about your love, Little Chola. Remember? Yeah. She's very, very pretty. Yeah, you were obsessed with her. You're not.

Mel's obsessed. She's not striking. Mel's obsessed with them. I dabble. In dwarfery? No. Uh, no, but she's, yeah, she's cute. Little Chola.

Her name is Little Cutie. Little Chola. Okay, so it's Peter Dinklage, Little's cute. Her name is little cutie little chola. Okay, so it's Peter Dinklage, a little chola. I guess Chula is cutie. Chupa is suck. Suck. You want to Chupa Chola? No, no, no. I want to watch her wrestle. I want to see if she's got any ring. Yeah, she's gonna shoot. Dinklage. Dink. Shirley Temple.

Shirley Temple was a little girl. She was a little person. Dude, poor Shirley. NB. I'm a little person. Was she genderless? No, she was a little girl. Don't look at me like that.

She was a little chula. Chulita. Yeah, man. Dinklage and then who? And then Lee Gill, you're saying? No, she was a little girl Yeah, and then who and then Lee Gill you're saying I don't know but yeah, huh Who's the second most famous little guy? Deep Roy Deep Roy is good. What about that little prankster dwarf that guy's fun What's his name? And Jason we man a Cunha dead base nectar. No the little one with the wig and he walks up. Yeah shorty Shane. She get him on the pod. He'd be great. Yeah he's funny. He's hassles people and like

a Cosby sweater. He's funny. He's one foot tall. I'll let wig. Yeah sunglasses. Yeah. Yeah. I mean dude if I was a dwarf, I would be nonstop frankling. I'd be out there, you know, popping out of people, popping out of people's like mailboxes. That'd be a cool one. I'd have a new mailbox installed, someone be like, watch this. And they come over and I'd pop out dressed like Cupid and like shoot him in the face with a bow and

arrow. Toothpick? Yeah. Speaking of toothpicks. No. And speaking of toothpicks. Oh my god. ED happens. All right. Deal with it. No need to go on an apology tour about it.

Who are you? Jordan Peterson. Just take care of it with him. Dude, if I had to go on apology tour for being soft. 52 cities. It's a brutal schedule. You're exhausted. You're doing matinees. cities. It's a brutal schedule. You're exhausted and you're doing you're doing matinees you hope yeah two shows a night. You do

Indy at two o'clock. You do Louisville at seven yeah to the arena. You're doing arenas of like look. I'm sorry everybody's booing and screaming. Yeah fuck you. I'm sorry. I didn't get hard. I had a long day and then I ate Wendy's. What do you want? Yeah, I had a two liter amount and do and then you want to screw get real. That's on you and he brought the two liter home. I don't care if it was your co workers birthday party. I thought the two liter was for me. Yeah, you don't have to. You don't have to book arenas. You don't have to you don't forget a tour manager. Come out to the bule

auditorium to see Sam town apologize for being limp for even though it was your birthday for his whack dang and my dang was whack and all I can do is say sorry and apologize. Also it's like tickets are like forty five dollars for your apology people. It's like a black tie event. We've even worse if you sold a lot of pressure people are scouting tickets the Marshall Tucker band opens to go up after the Marshall Tucker band. They play way too long.

Yeah, MTB does an hour and a half, then you go up there and you're like checking your notes. It's like, so it says here that a couple of times I was less than hard and I just wanted to start off. Admit it. You weren't hard at all. Say it. Don't qualify it. Stop qualifying it. You weren't hard at all. Say it. Say the whole thing. Okay, hold on. I'm getting there. I want to do a land acknowledgement first. Do a hand acknowledgement. Try to use my hand, your mouth, that guy's feet. Hims is changing the game. I wasn't hard, but ladies and gentlemen, thanks to hims. I wasn't hard, but ladies and gentlemen, thanks to him's, yeah, allow me.

They bring the lights down. It's completely dark in there. And then they start playing like, I want to say LMFAO. It's like party rock. Party rock gonna have a good time. Lights are still off. And then single spotlight on your face and then

it slowly traces down your body and it's your dick and it's hard as hell. Yeah, it's like so hard. Everyone's like like vascular coursing. You put it, you open a book and he slam it on your cock. I don't feel that somebody make me come I don't feel that Somebody make me Selling the book

And then it's complete it's complete quiet and then one person's like Bravo Standing ovation they're throwing roses Anyway, that would be crazy Hims is changing the game when it comes to men's health care. It is no game They provide access to affordable sexual health treatments that you can get from the comfort of your home sexual health tree They've got a huge range of doctor trusted options like Viagra Cial, chewable tablets and generics for up to 95% off. Jesus. I love the chewable tablets. Why am I not hard right now? You don't even need insurance. Good thing. I don't have that.

No, you don't. Have you ever had health insurance? I have insurance right now. Oh yeah. You're an adult. Emmy made me get insurance. Yeah. Megan wishes I would get insurance. I was like, no, yeah, I don't need it and he told me so 5% off my blood pressure medicine now get over here and suck me baby But yeah, you don't need insurance. Hey, like Nathan your home. You're back from your 52 week tour your apology tour

Did you how did it go? You're like pretty well Bend over and I'll show you. Party rockin' gonna have a good time. You pay one low price and you get the whole thing from initial treatments to ongoing care. Stop worrying about your performance and start doing something about it.

You fuck. Dude, take a pill and free yourself from the psychic. Take a pill and get your fill. Dude, having sexual confidence my god could you imagine I dude I'm telling you I used to I'm back fine you are back yes and I can yeah I can tell you're really hard right now no I'm not hard right now cuz I'm not high on him's right right well you know what I'm gonna pop a him's real quick I'm gonna go under here and pop a Hims.

Start your free online visit today at Hims.com slash chubby. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash chubby for your personalized ED treatment options. Hims.com slash chubby. The featured products include compounded products which are not approved nor verified for safety effectiveness or quality by the FDA prescription required See website for details restrictions and important safety information price varies based on product and subscription plan bro Compounded yeah, you're gonna be compounding gonna be pounding calm in no time. Oh My god, how much fun? Oh how we laugh? Oh how we laugh and barely even scratch the surface of some of this fun stuff. We've don't kill Tony Wait, well we have another ad read it's for killing yourself. Hey you ever think about killing yourself? Cool, do it go to killing yourself comm slash chubby to get a you'll get a pill in the mail

It's not gonna make you hard. our rigor mortis look at this my hard cock it is that it looks like a glow worm looks like a sea cucumber it's not ladies and gentlemen oh it's reef magic of theater great barrier wreath. Oh man Sorry, we're we're delirious But we're serious go yourself calm who cares go to who kill yourself comm slash who cares for more information Go to gun in the mail Got a gun in the mouth now Dude, I did twenty seven tonight. Whoa. Twenty seven minutes and I didn't do like three of the jokes I usually do. It was fun. All right.

Little wild. That's a one art here's a fact art about you it while you're fact-tarded and there's no two ways about it oh one way street shit we saw you break bedtime we're almost there what time is it we have like five more minutes oh geez so. So that's pretty cool. I mean I have two more ad reads. I'd have to do my dad read too. My dad bought some ads. He's got his top 10. Did we say that? Dave's top 10 list. Of course we said that. We had to have survival time. Yeah. Or repopulation. Yeah. Vita population station. Yeah. Is what he calls it. He also calls it bone village. Yeah Bone Island the only reason that we have him as a sponsor because my dad's burning through us your dad begged us

Yeah, and threatened boys. I'm upside down. He said he was gonna sue us. Yeah He's like Sam. I Got hard and now look at you now. It's your problem I got hard and now look at you. Now it's your problem. You. You. Heard people, heard people. He calls me the F slur.

I'm like, whoa, dad, what the hell? He's like, what? He tries to make me flinch. Dude, who's gonna be at Dave's 70th? Oh my God. at the bowling alley Did the dart parlor it's at that store in Elizabeth By that giant hole that nobody

Yeah, how long it's been there? No, but the smoke keeps coming out of it, but it burps up. Yeah, we didn't start the fire But the earth's been burning I don't know dude I think little Donnie Wilson will be there no shit yep his brother will be there the prison guard my aunt theta will be there uncle Pat's gonna make an appearance Patricio is gonna hopefully turn his ringer off. He's going to. I would imagine he can't because much like at your mom's memorial service, people want underground pools built in their backyard. And they know who to call. And Patricio M.

Pool Boy. Yeah, my uncle passes up the pool man, Tim, the pool man, Taylor, aka Uncle Pat. He stands up and he's like, I could be swimming right now. Excuse me. He's out of here. What? He's in a pool. My Uncle Pat, you just hear him say, you saying I could be swimming right now. Okay. He's getting sold the pools. That's what I thought the phone call was that he got a call and it was a pool salesman and he was so he's like, yeah, I'm not doing anything.

No, I'm saying he's busy because people call him when they want a pool built. He's the pool. He's Tim, the pool man, Taylor, uncle Patricia. Yes. Yes. Yes. Sorry. I really, I weaved a tangled web.

No, you're good. You're good. I thought anyway, he'll be there. I think Oliver, I think Annie's son Oliver will be there. But not Annie. Dude, shout out to Henry got engaged. No. Yeah.

Wow. Dude, he got done on one knee. Right by the Redfish Brewery. He did it right. In Boulder. Cool, I don't know. I mean, Boulder's are. They went to the Boulderado where Jesse Carter's latest...

No. Can't miss a Venice. To see you? No, they just went there to get a drink. It was the first place they hung out. And then Henry, the old romantic he is, he went out to the dumpsters and said, I have to piss. And then instead of kneeling, or instead of pissing, he knelt and proposed to her. Really? Yeah. That's what the worm does. Little red glow worm.

Oh, you know what I found out about them a couple months ago. She's not Obama's daughter. Henry's Instagram story, he says, me and the lady or me and my boo playing Catan. And I hit him up and I go, what do you mean? Like you're doing one on one? He's like, yeah. And I was like, so what? What? Yeah, like that's not allowed. I think you have to, I think there's a phone number on the box you have to call now to

turn yourself in. Yeah. Because it's a crime against humanity. I have to call in Julie. It's not a card against humanity. That's a different game. Yeah, this is apples to apples. It's a crime, crime zoom an ID what the hell no, he said yeah, I was like do you do you like trade? For the first couple rounds and then you stop so that you're not helping the your direct competition He's like no no trading and I was like, alright, so you're just out there, huh? It's a and rands and Rand. Yeah presents settlers of kit There can be only one set in ran settlers of Katan sellers of and ran every man for himself, but idiots think it's cool. Yeah, sounds like a fun game. No age of consent. Yeah, exactly. There's no

highways. Grow up. He either start shooting them or you get in line. That's what I say. you start shooting them or you get in line. That's what I say. Yeah. So Henry, he's proposed. That's cool. He's certainly not. I mean too young dude. It's gonna married. It's gonna be in a blow up in his face. Hey, everybody should get. So not everybody gets married once. Some people do it twice or three times. No, they'll what is 22 so what is she pregnant you don't have to get married as you get pregnant anymore it's changed all right I shouldn't have told you it's like I told you Annie's pregnant yeah that was Annie that was in Paris that was on do

yet the night that Bonzo got a third you also said Annie had her baby. No, I said Yeah, he's a hater baby and her baby and everybody Didn't have time to congratulate you because I immediately said It's dead. Yeah, and you were laughing so hard. You could barely get it out. I could barely finish Bonzo's andouillette. Yes, yeah, you had a mouthful of shit sausage. I almost choke because not only do I have to finish andouillette, the worst thing you could ever eat, but I still... That's technically food.

I don't want my dead dad to yell at me if I don't finish the under that I didn't order But also I have to I have to get out that the baby is gone. Yeah any other baby It's dad. Yeah, he said it dead. I either eating or giggling. He was insane. I remember Sorry, yeah everybody I guess I'm not going to Thanksgiving this year That part I am a party's gonna be crazy. The party's gonna be crazy. You're gonna be there I'm also gonna be partying at ComedyWorks downtown November 30th Comedyworks.com slash chubby 50 off I might swing by dude. I might do 40

40 up top what a feature for you We're gonna get flash tattoos tomorrow. Oh, yeah, I gotta hit that guy up Kevin Meany on one hand Larry Miller on the other Oh, yeah, Rapid City, South Dakota. I'm coming up there for the festival next weekend. We're in Eugene this weekend, Australia Yeah, plug Eugene. Yeah, you gene tickets going fast Australia New Zealand and bringing the boys down there we got a big plan Burlington Vermont later in the year yes Berlin factory New Jersey Atlantic City on August 30th whoa that's gonna be so bad patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Patreon episodes, $5 a month. Get in there, almost five years worth of Patreon episode.

Join the Patreon, please. Buy a hat. Bye.