Chubby Behemoth - I’m Mommy

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

My Happy Pills. Drink Your Kids. Not Wholesome Talk.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Welcome to movie phone. That's my voicemail. Have you heard it? Remember movie phone? That's my voicemail is a movie phone type voice. Oh, yeah, because I called you earlier and you didn't answer. And that's why that must be in my head. Yeah, see, it's all coming together. Nice.

You are laying upside down. You're upside down. I'm being dangled by the bigger tougher boys in the bridal party uh you know what i wish is here we go i could see more pictures and video of you getting a haircut it was a huge deal i haven't seen that enough in the last couple hours oh my god dude it was it was a life-changing situation it was a monumental occasion japanese media was there most uh the eu sent delegates to uh document the fact that you were uh getting a haircut well there was a helicopter circling outside it was crazy they had a guy from the zoo there with a dark gun just in case i got like too cocky afterward

in case you started trying to mate with the the nearest female my god it's our it's our worst it's our worst case scenario he's feeling himself yeah he's in the zone he's really vibing with this one he understood the the assignment. It is a good haircut. Yeah, dude, I got this thing. Can you see that? I got the side part. Oh, yeah. Look at this. Looks fresh. It looks clean. Yeah, I mean, I've never

been to a black barber. I usually get my haircut at Walmart. Yeah. I get my haircut by a woman named Amanda who's 42 and just white knuckling through four hours of sobriety so she can go to shabooms and get turned you're the only person that still goes to floyd's yeah i mean i don't go to floyd's floyd's is a huge step up from where i go i went to the walmart in north las vegas to get my hair cut by a woman who was four foot ten and she only

had one breast and it would land on my shoulder here and there it was really weird she had to step on a little box to cut my hair there was one breast in the middle of her chest yeah yeah she had cyclopean tits but yeah man i was in there brother i mean you know i was like hey what up little sid uh-oh herm's on the block check your wallets you about to run them you know, I was like, hey, what up, little Sid? Uh-oh, Herm's on the block. Check your wallets. You about to run them. You know, David was in there. Just appropriating left and right. Oh, yeah.

I mean, switching, appropriating. I was toad switching. I went from toad to frog. I mean, look at me. I'm gorgeous. You fell and hit your head. I'm beautiful now. Well, it is.

It was funny to see how pale your skin is underneath the parts where there was hair dude my mutton chops have been on my face since i was 15 and now they're gone and i just have this like weird patch it looks like i have that weird seal disease what's it called infatigo vitilog marilago yeah i think it's vitilago i have vital ego is what i have yeah your ego is slammed my ego is fine it's healthy it's good it's not bragging if you can do it you know wait speaking of ego i wondered about this you said you got your haircut for your sister's wedding very good also welcome to chubby behemoth uh you are not the officiant david borey is why is that i have a guess my guess is that you would be too emotional you would cry the whole time and it would ruin the pictures no it's because it didn't pay enough they only offered 15 hunch1,500. And I was like, nope.

Get someone else. Yeah. You know my rate. You didn't know if you were going to make it or not. Or it was my other guess. Yeah, I was booked. You couldn't commit. Yeah.

Helium St. Louis was like, it's the only weekend we can have you. And I was like, well, I got to get there. No, it's because I'm in the wedding party. I'm one of mel's grooms man oh we're calling ourselves the grooves man and we got this little dance worked out couldn't it have gone the other way and you could have officiated and david could have been in the wedding party no no i mean the thing with the officiant is it's someone that you you trust and it's someone that you know not you speaker and someone who's close to the family i mean i think david's the perfect

decision it was like when you officiated our wedding i knew you didn't want to be a groomsman because you didn't want to have to go get fitted for a suit i did i don't like hanging out with the boys um you know i like all eyes on attention yeah i didn't want to blend in with the with the other wads in texas i wanted to shine yeah so i mean we did you a favor because we know that you didn't want to uh be anywhere near your lifelong friends so you got to stand up there you got to look at people as they come down the aisle you got to assess you had them before anyone else did who had them oh yeah it was like on their person it was like i was it was like i was in the airport that's all i do in the

airport to see who's got them dude would i would i bang you would i let you bang me if it's a dude would i let you bang me uh if it's a lady how many tits are there one at least hopefully maybe two ideally three or four my new thing is like how smushed in there are they like if it's like they're wearing like an athletic bra or something i'm like what if they weren't smushed down just how bulbous and free could they be oh god uh the airport's just it's a it's a meat market and guess what i'm first in line people i mean it's like the way these women fly these days they have the lululemon pants and you know their bellies are showing and i'm just walking around with cream in my jeans if i was going to uh ejac in my pants it would be at an airport for sure

i also don't go to dance clubs or anything so you know it makes sense you're not allowed well with that haircut you might be able to get in now the brothers now i'm in with the crew you know oh yeah don't do it i am a free one i think that's why you didn't officiate is that they were worried you would do an impression of mal and his family not the well i guess the korean side or the black side either way they were not interested his grandma's like i came up for the springs for this oh yeah i mean listener imagine how that might sound just be the black yes but you bowing a lot yeah yeah you would have bowed as everyone came in and was seated you weren't an usher for the motherfuckers my

i'm wearing a kimono oh yeah you definitely that's not even korean you're dressed in japanese i'm like what y'all know about the japanese they're just lighting me sophie's crying my dad my dad lassos me pulls me down no i'm excited it'll be fun it made me of your wedding. It made me think of my sister's wedding, which both of those were also great. I wasn't invited to your sister's wedding. I thought there was a massive oversight. You were there.

We had a good time. You were invited. Yes. There's that picture of us holding one another. Oh, yeah. I thought that was at Lydia's funeral. In our suits. No, I didn't. I didn't go to Lydia's

funeral. You didn't go to Lydia's funeral. If she had one, I don't know that you went. I don't think you. I did. I just remember Bomauer crying so much and I was like, dude, pull it together. We're all sad, but Jesus Christ. He dried his tears with his own dick. Yeah, he was dabbing at what people do with their necktie.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, he sounds like he laughs when he cries. I'm so fucking sad. It was just too much. I keep touching my head, and I forget that it's a work of art. I mean, you should have seen me when I walked in this barbershop. I had my full mutton chops. Sophie told me before I went in she was like don't

embarrass me. It's like what? The word of my escapades are going to get back to you somehow? Who's going to tell you? You don't hang out with any of these people. You don't know anyone in this barber shop. She wasn't there. Yeah she just thinks she's like so entrenched in the community, you know? And it's like, Sophie, no, quit doing the voice. My sister got married down at a Hudson gardens. Remember?

I do remember. That was great. It was nice. My dad was all pilled up and wouldn't stop telling everybody about it. He's like, Oh yeah, I'm on my happy pills. It's like,

okay, nice to meet you. He's like, yeah, I'm, I'm flying pills. It's like, okay, nice to meet you. He's like, yeah, I'm flying high. It's like, okay, it was Rick. Yeah, you can call me whatever you want, and I'll answer it, because I am pilled up from the doctor filled up. Yeah, that was hilarious. Hold on a minute.

Oh, yeah, definitely answer the phone. Yeah, that was hilarious. Hold on a minute. Oh, yeah, definitely answer the phone. Jesus Christ. Is he faking a phone call or is this real? It's real. Becker, edit that out. Sorry. He's got to do something.

I don't got to do shit. I'm back. It was two seconds out of your fucking meaningless lives you idiots what was the phone call i don't know it was a random number from austin texas i assumed it was joe rogan look if you get a call from austin you answer yeah uh no but your dad was all pilled up and he was also like uh he kept like pointing out who was who looked pretty but in like a weird lascivious dad way where he'd be like yeah i wouldn't uh kick her out of the beanbag chair you know what i'm saying and then as he got progressively higher and higher throughout the evening he'd be like i'd like to sodomize her

with my penis i'd like to mount her from behind and penetrate her with my erect phallus you guys read between the lines you know what i'm saying it's me rick i'm a hard i'd like to have penetrative sex with any of these women here present not my daughter she's including the bro i was gonna say including the bride no i don't think your dad would bang kim no not her type not his type excuse me because uh yeah my mom doesn't have them but uh kim doesn't have them what's this weird illusion you're trying to paint i mean whatever she's got is exponentially more than my mom mom's a surfboard yeah your mom's like inverted that was the worst only fans I joined was your mom's little sucked uh her back brace

was hot though what else oh yeah you're at your wedding I had this I had the suspenders on remember we were all doing the suspenders dance it's's a pretty solid move for the less coordinated among us. You do the suspenders. It's something to do with your hands. Now you just have to focus on your lower body. You take a step to the left, step to the right. You also look like a Rockefeller. You look like you're in there.

You're like Boss Hogg. Yeah, you look like you come from money. Yeah, it looks like you're assessing how much steel needs to be laid down to build the railroad i love suspenders urus wears them all the time i mean he has to it's a medical thing uh oh yeah also the night i think the night before your wedding we did drugs i can't remember if it was mushrooms or acid mushrooms mushrooms i i was tripping hard and i laid on like a futon and looked at the carpet and the carpet fibers were tiny people it was like i was god looking down on like thousands of people writhing like they

were like nude and like writhing or dancing it was crazy and I'm just looking looking down and it's just fucking carpet it was buckwild you you described it that night like the scene in the matrix where they're all dancing at that party yeah the worst part yeah the scene that went on way too long yeah the rave in the cave yeah it's just

like KMFDM playing for 15 minutes and just a bunch of white people sweaty grinding with each other it's like hey wachowskis you could have cut this out ladies all right yeah yeah that was fun and also though let me take the fast forward bill i don't know what color it is but it it speeds this up to some more kung fu the women that night were all wasted and they wanted to beat the shit out of one of my groomsmen's then girlfriends remember that uh yes yes they wanted to destroy her they wanted to shave her bald and leave her outside they wanted to cover her in honey and let ants eat her like they fucking hated her and that ended up happening eventually on its own that came true yeah i mean let's not get specific

that uh yeah yeah they were blowing it yeah i just remember hannah who's one of the nicest people ever emily's sister and like you know my sister chelsea star and they were just like standing in a corner like pounding their fists into their palm, you know, like Pinkerton's. And they were just like, all right, you go high, I'll go low. Let's pantser and pusher. It's not hard to not blow it. I mean, I've blown it at a wedding, but it's not hard. You just have to like hang out and like talk to a couple of people. But it was too much for some of us. The trick to a wedding is you want to be a cigar guy you want to be outside with the fellas having a 30 minute just just the fellas move but you can't do

it yeah i always want to be out there because you run out you have a sig you know you bum a sig to someone's aunt she's got emphysema people are mad at you you don't know why yeah yeah you know or like you know you got a little i always have a little flask on me at a wedding so i can take a little nip one for me one for you type thing i like to wink and have a little nip but i remember give it to a nine-year-old yeah well i didn't know but someone's like grandpa came up to me and was like oh let me get a little taste of that let me smooch your girl there of course pops thanks for what you did in korea and then i found out there brother i was like of course pops you know thanks for what you did in korea and then i found out later that he was like supposed to be sober and he like relapsed after

that you know he was old who cares that's not your fault i didn't know i didn't know that grandpa had the shakes and it wasn't ms should have had a support system in place should have had eyes on that prize yeah he was like hey so uh how about a three-way with me and rick hey me and rick lund are trying to eiffel tower one of these fine pieces of tail uh hey i'm an associate of rick lund i don't know if you know anything about rick but that guy loves three ways that's how come nathan's so big that's how he was conceived two loads one thing i know about rick lund it's like he likes to mix his batter inside of a woman speaking of loads last night last night at the bar uh there was this woman there and she was

drinking obviously and she as she got drunk she was very flirty and she was nice, obviously. And as she got drunk, she was very flirty. And she was nice. It was fine. You know, flirting. Eventually she said something and I showed her my ring. I was like, all right, we're having fun. But, you know, I wanted to make sure that didn't go too far. And all of a sudden, you know, she's like waiting for me when I walk out of the bar.

And but, you know, she's being funny. And then she keeps, like, because she's drunk, she keeps, like, saying something flirty and then just, like, being like, oh, Jesus, you know, like, catching herself. But then, you know, she, like, asked about my relationship. And I was like, oh, we're monogamous. You know, I tried to, when we first started dating,

I asked if maybe we wanted to keep it cash, keep it open. was like no i was like okay i figured i'd try yeah you tried that right away that was like day two of you and creech dating well yeah i was single for like five weeks before we started dating and so i thought you and i were both single at the same time and it was a real bloodbath yeah five bars in denver i'm bad at the single i i mean we would walk we would walk in the room like the natural disasters you know it was it was earthquake and typhoon just hitting the dance floor all right which one of you ladies is gonna get double teamed by me and the son of yeah we never pulled a rick of course not dude we never shared uh that's gross yeah no neither of us wanted that that's not what anyway listen it doesn't matter if it's us it's what she wants

so a woman who wanted it from us from anyone dude she would have been down she was into that specifically me and my buddy billy went uh did it one night and i was laughing so hard like six minutes and i had to leave the room and she was mad at me like as a friend you're giggling i mean it's different if you and your friend billy it compared to me and billy was waiting for a high five and that killed my ass yeah i would laugh at that anyway so listen seeing lun's face would make me lose my boner go ahead so i explained that happily married we've been together 10 years married for three i said so yeah you know unless she dies then you know uh and then she was like oh really and i was like i'm not saying that i want her to be murdered. But if she dies and then she goes, then you'll let me drink your kids.

And I said, I don't have any kids. Holy. And then I got it. I was like, holy shit. Time to go. It was crazy, man. God, that's gross. It is gross, but it's also kind of hot.

She wants your milk. Yeah. She wants the dolce de lunche i mean i think i think i think she's very flirty very flirty and was drinking yeah did she have them uh kind of she's thin uh you don't like that she's pretty you like a woman who can take a punishing you like to pound no i don't yeah you do i want pretty. You like a woman who can take a punishing. You like to pound. No, I don't. Yeah, you do. I want to be left alone. You have to ground and pound him. I want to play Red Dead Redemption 2.

I bought it and downloaded it, and I haven't played it yet. Oh, shit. What are you doing? I have commitments. I had to go to Walmart. I had to work yesterday. I played it on Xbox 360, but I got it on PS4. Are you drugging Creech so you can play all you want

no i had to work i think i got it it's like the episode of seinfeld where they drug the girl so she could they can play with her toys and play with their toys that's you uh yeah eventually god when i'm fucking done i have to do a bunch of other shit too i don't know when i'm gonna be able to get on my horse and ride i know man well if it makes you feel any better i'm thinking about what it would be like if me and your father double teamed your sister so that's where i'm at right now so that's why i can't see your face because your dick's in the way that's what i'm doing that would suck i would hate that yeah i should hope so uh he's been dead over a year it's his ghost yeah or wait he

he is whoopi goldberg or no no no he's patrick swayze he goes into you you're whoopi goldberg yeah and then kim instead of his wife his daughter he's like hey listen on this side anything goes we're all just we're all just beams of light we're all just energy man there's no family tree yeah or there's one big family tree and we're all fucking in it oh man yeah And then he decides to take my body instead of her husband. Yeah, I know. I know.

I'll make, I wouldn't really want to freak this out. I'm going to hop in. I'm going to hop in lunch. Listen, this is very specific, but I saw Sam at the wedding. He was an impressive specimen.

I couldn't get it out of my head look you get one wish up here and god has to grant it and my wish is to hop in lun's best buddy's body and bang my daughter i'm his mech suit it's also funny that he calls you one he's like jason cam lund i miss you he's the original one yeah hey rick lund i'm on pills i love three ways nice to meet you not in that order either yeah he was on like oxys or something right because his back hurt it was definitely some type of strong pain yeah either oxy or yeah hydrocodone i don't know i'm so high i don't even want a three-way jk who's trying to 3w with me rick lund i'm lund's dad rick that's my daughter out there and when i'm dead i'll come back one day and bang her in the fattest man i can find's body

they call me dick penis over in India. Little Dickie P. Creasy is going to be at the wedding, so that's good. I got to figure out where to stay. I think I might crash with Crease. Yeah, stay at Creasy's house, man. That won't won't be a nightmare i'm gonna play it by ear because uh yeah i didn't get a room i'm not picky you can get like a hundred dollar hotel room or you can come stay at the airbnb with me and emily and sleep on the bottom of the bed like a dog yeah well i figure we could play that by ear too because either emily will get trashed and won't give a shit or she's gonna play what by ear you sound like your dad where i was talking about

you're gonna try and rick lund my wife no i'm gonna go to the highest bidder it is my sister's wedding day so i can't deny any requests sophie just heard me talking about what we're talking about came in gave me a really nasty look and shut the door yeah i think that some of her like bridal parties out in the next room just listening to me talk about this well this dream come true really to be possessed by your father and then and then him you know astral project my ween into your sister's gaping v that would be what do you think what do you think about this hit me what if what if submissions are open call me the paris review what if you at some point let's see maybe

after the father-daughter dance after the toasts whatever i say at one point up no at some point let's see maybe after the father daughter dance after the toasts whatever i say at one point up no at one point during the reception uh all of a sudden you are pushing a wheelchair in that wheelchair me wearing one of your mom's outfits and a wig. I get out of the wheelchair. It's a miracle. Oh, God. My mom can walk. Not that good.

She's kind of bad at it. Oh, God. Would you keep the beard yeah yeah of course i'm not getting i'm not getting a haircut for this thing i'm just a i'm just a guy in the crowd well maybe uh maybe i show up with the beard and then so before the reveal i should go off and the spotlight comes on the Undertaker's gone yeah yeah druids come out oh god I'm dressed like

Paul Bearer for some reason oh yes and i just push you across the dance floor everyone stops and you're like sophie it's me mommy my dad comes over gives you a kiss yeah your dad's way too into it kiss yeah your dad's way too into it your dad blows it it's like dude come on we're doing a bit get out of here this isn't about you this is for me and sam at sophie's wedding come on oh god it's you wearing one of my mom's blouses with like a red wig on yeah strawberry blonde wig glasses white russian Yeah. Glasses. White Russian.

Sophie. Happy wedding. It's me, mommy. Just one. That'd be like the worst thing we could ever do. No shit. I was sick of hearing about my side of the family so i figured i'd switch things up you posing as my mom while the undertaker music plays that's all anyone would talk about for the rest of time

yeah about how 75 people kick the shit out of a guy dressed as the bride's dead mom line up and take a number so that they could get their fucking kicks into my ribs well no here's the thing you have a bomb strapped to your chest so when they approach you just take your my mom's shirt off and they see that you have an explosive device not so fast and you're like either i'm betsy tonight or we all go boom so what's the You going to call me Betsy or should I push this plunger? Say it. Say it.

That's right. I'm mommy. My dad's like, I don't see what the big deal is. This rules. Yeah. Oh, God. Yeah, I guess i know where i'm staying after all who cares this rocks what you guys have never been to a wedding before this is what happens people who chicken dance fitting you know they throw the bouquet and then it's typical that the son brother of the pride makes his best friend dressed in his dead mother's clothes

and then you play the undertaker music and present i almost puked oh dude oh man that would have ruled come on puke no i didn't want it i'm like my stomach's i haven't eaten today if i'd already eaten it definitely would have already happened damn happened damn you and your once a day eating habit you're strange god damn it eating ritual i feel high like on weird drugs from laughing that hard oh yeah that's the good stuff yeah that's great that freebie yeah yeah they should bottle that yeah oh god sell it to kids dave being all right with it or even just a little bit into the beards my favorite part like everyone's furious like people are like getting guns and my dad's like what is everyone so pissed about yeah this is great i guess it'd be better for everyone to be

super sad and missing her. This is better. This is something instead of nothing. It's like she's here. You know what would be funny? If my mom's ghost came back and possessed you. So he was coughing up info only she would know.

No, it's really me. But she still can't talk good. So she's still just saying, what's her sister's name? Julie. Julie. That's all I can say. Oh, boy. She's having a tough time

oh I hope that if she came back as a ghost she would be like you know I hope she's not you know I'm laying in a bunk bed that isn't mine wait so you said oh you and Emily have

a room in a house and then there's 12 12 of you that are staying there yeah it's the both the wedding parties are staying in this house yeah me and emily have our own room but they're all upstairs right now so i'm down here saying my nasty things in the cold jurors next bed yeah so this this happened another time, too. Oh, yeah, after your mom's memorial, you offered for me to stay in an Airbnb where there was literally no place, no room, no quarter for me. Yeah, I thought you just sleep on the floor like a dog. You were like, yeah, just curl up in the bathtub. And I had to tell Emily, yeah, I guess I'm not going to stay here because Sam offered but it's literally

impossible there's no way you were all mad at me because I was drunk no I wasn't mad at you was I I think so no we had a good time that was a blast no I was not

mad at you you were what were you doing now you were just uh it was morning morning you were blubbering you were very uh you were very sentimental which was great yeah that was no that was good all right good well yeah when are you going to come up here for the wedding when do you arrive i don't know i'll probably try to leave pretty early on saturday try to get in at like noon yeah come through man we gotta go to slamming chicken creech isn't coming right no she's gonna work she's gonna watch the dogs she doesn't care about us she sends her love it's hard for us to both do anything because we have to bring our stupid dogs. Yeah, I get it. Please don't bring the dogs.

Just let them run around. George Michael's running around humping people's shoes. Yeah, Mama would just like fall down the stairs at the mansion. Oh, yeah. Have a seizure in the dance floor while we're doing the betsy reveal oh gosh damn that was fun yeah where do we go from i don't know where to go from here i'm out shot our wad yeah uh you bombed at ratio is that correct no i crushed i crushed. I buried Jeff Tice. Poor Tice, man.

He was after. Oh, did you drop in? Yeah, he was already headlining. And he was like, when I got there, he's like. He was already up there and you just went up there. How many group chats in town do you think are talking about how hard you're about to bury me tonight? I was like, oh, don't worry, man. I'm just going to like goof around, you know? And he's like yeah that's

i know what you're gonna do i'm not unaware of what you're going to do on stage he's been yeah he's been around yeah yeah so tice was just like oh yeah you know do you want to go last i don't care i don't have the headline and i was like no man like you know you were already booked i don't want to bump you and he's like for the love of god please bump me will you please bump me um hannah jones was really funny she's funny she's yeah she's coming down tomorrow nice yeah i did uh i did i i got in what did i do yesterday i came down to denver colorado i uh did you got a facial i got a facial from my sister and then I gave my sister a facial yeah my dad was there

he got a facial right before me and then he gave my sister a facial so Sophie was already like you know one eyed Jesus Christ this isn't wholesome talk this isn't niceolesome talk this is a lot this is a nice conversation luckily our sisters do not listen to this podcast yeah i mean that's a small victory but yeah i did

kobos and patrick's new podcast um the stupid idiot gross hour yeah i mean it's just like me and kobos being great and then we'd take a moment to uh call patrick stupid and fat and then get back to riffing it's pretty solid alec flynn was there just watching staring at us it's like flynn what are you doing you're so hot oh god why was he there he gave kobos a ride i don't know but yeah i went on a skateboard i did uh i did their show last night it was very fun i like ratio kronberg was there he was with some french guy who kept swearing that was fun there were a lot of people in the showroom right sam talent effect people were there to see t-dog no it was a bunch

of tice heads it was not it was not tice let me tell you because since i got off stage everyone laughed and tice was up there like no stay look i'm australian or something i'm hot i'll draw you something yeah i'll take my shirt off i'm tice it's me jeff tice i'll dunk a basketball what's the deal free caricatures i'm sorry dude i feel like i melted my brain after that your great plan we're talking after your fucking coup de grace after you revealed what you've been training for your entire life you started you started it and then i finished it jesus it'd be really funny too if you had the undertaker's hat on

while you're posed as my mom it's a complete like mishmash the beard the wig and the blouse yeah yeah just everybody's completely confused confused you're paul bearer but like a third of the people there know who that is so they're like what the fuck what is this why is he doing that voice and then you get up with the undertaker's hat on dressed as my mom with your beard and just tombstone mel through the cake you choke slam my dad and then tombstone mel and then you get up on the table and you do that thing where he walks the top rope with sophie's arm old school old yeah you old school my sister on her wedding day all right yeah i like that better

than the entire wedding party beating the shit out of me i anticipated and so i'm ready and i just start beating everybody up with wrestling yeah like after you after you you know tombstone now and chokeslam my dad and old school Sophie, no one claps. And then you just get back in the chair and I'll yell you out. Nobody. People are like, what the fuck was that? Was that Rick Lund's son? Was that known three way enthusiast Rick Lund's boy pretending to be Sam's mom as the undertaker like what was your favorite part of the wedding when the undertaker showed up

someone there thinks it's actually the undertaker good god oh damn fuck all i know is somebody better drink my kids at this wedding it's gonna be a bummer yeah if you can't cheat on your wife what's the point of going to a wedding you know it's gonna be fun is knowing that i can't be the one to blow it and then watching and trying to see who may end up blowing it if anyone maybe nobody will who do you think's going to blow it if you had to bet on one person to blow it who's it going to be i mean the odds on favorite is keith d for sure yeah but you never know because like at your wedding keith d he might have been well no he didn't blow we mentioned who blew it but and that was the night before but yeah keith like fell asleep at the table which was hilarious and it wasn't really himself into

a coma because he didn't want to cry he was like i didn't i didn't want to cry i didn't want to look like a baby so i just got blackout drunk and fell asleep instead. So instead I looked like a statue. Yeah. So instead people came in weekend at Bernie's pose with me. Yeah. Everyone had a picture of Keith asleep at the table. That was like the motif of the wedding. And that wasn't really a blow it scenario because it didn't like affect.

Yeah. The proceedings. I don't think anyone blew it at my wedding. No, it was good but i mean sophie squad tomorrow that wedding they're gonna be fucking legless like they're gonna be wasted all the all the bridesmaids are gonna be tanked yeah they're gonna wind up on locked up abroad they're gonna get extradited yeah for whatever crimes they commit against god and country they're gonna like get so drunk they commit treason somehow.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, that's true. Pickles, my wife, Hannah's here. Oh, man. Jesus. Emily's going to dump them out. Yeah, Hannah's going to be thumping people. Susu's going to be doing the worm.

Susu's wasted. No, that'd be funny if we could dress Susu as my mom as the undertaker and push her little two-year-old susanna with the undertaker hat on she's cane she can come out as cane we can both we can both uh tear ass through the entire congregation yeah susu's big booting people but she's too little she tries to walk over the top rope oh god yeah i don't know i don't think that mel's groomsmen are going to be the issue it's going to be all these women they're all gonna be fucking feeling themselves it's the ladies and then keith d's in the mix but he's getting old he's getting older nah luke will be all right right luke will probably we'll put some money on whatever nba games

are happening saturday and then we'll be checking our phones we'll be celebrating or commiserating it'll be great man yeah luke we just went to men's warehouse today because luke had a suit that looked like made him look like david burn and stopped making sense so we had to uh pick him out of suit and he looks fucking studly baby luke's gonna be wetting everyone's panties luke's gonna be playing the role of rick lund why was it so big he's he's not like he lost a bunch of weight did he buy a big suit in the late 90s when they were in style yeah in the late 90s when he was eight years old no he uh he called men's warehouse and was like hey man i'm in mexico i can't get fitted but here's how tall i am and

here's what i weigh and apparently they gave him like a suit that would actually fit mark calloway you know it was like it was big he accidentally said that he was 6 10 328 yeah from death valley hey we get it we know who we're talking to here don't worry about it mr taker yeah put it under lockfeld you've got it uh mr under yeah yeah so he looks good i mean dude the only issue this is the biggest issue facing me at this wedding is the fact that i have to wear a black turtleneck and it doesn't fit why do you have to wear a black turtleneck because i'm a groomsman and this is the outfit we're all in black turtlenecks we all have a chain so the boys to men video we're boys cementing it yes okay or the rock black turtlenecks we all have a chain so the boys to men video we're boys cementing it yes okay or the rock black turtleneck gold chain fanny pack would be i wish i looked at all like the

rock but this i couldn't find i've been to six destination xls and every time they're like you want a what why do you for what for a wedding you want to wear a black turtleneck i'm like no i don't want to i have to i'm in a wedding party and they're like wait so you're telling me you guys are doing a late april wedding in black turtlenecks don't you know you're gonna be sweaty you're at destination excel sir you know that you're yeah you're sweating now hopping hog right it's 55 degrees in here and you're pouring buckets of sweat as we speak it's like no i just need a fucking black turtleneck and they're like well you came to the wrong place and please leave and then i went to macy's and

they were like did you escape the asylum we don't have black turtlenecks so i had to order one online and of course i ordered one from you know red china so it So it's, you know, therefore XL is a, is a gentleman's medium. So I have to keep this thing as tucked in as any garments ever been, or else my belly is going to be showing. I hate it. I look so stupid. I look so fat. You're going to be the one that blows it.

You're going to be self-conscious. You're going to drink too much and you're going to break your own fucking neck. Oh yeah, dude. I'm going to be sausage casing. It's so bad. I hate it it my jacket's never coming off i'm just gonna be wet all night underneath that jacket because i can't let people see the contours of my body yeah good call you got i didn't i didn't think there was a jacket i thought you were just gonna be completely exposed oh i would have gone to australia if that was the case I would have not come to the wedding.

Is it a shawl neck jacket? Are you going to look like a real R&B star? Yeah, I mean, I'm not looking like a spy. I look like Fat Joe. It's cool. Have you seen my hair? I'm not going to look like a spy. I'm going to look like Fat Joe as an oxymoron.

I mean, Fat Joe wasn't a spy. I thought he was a bit spy-ish. I think he committed some assaults, but big deal. It was the 90s. He thought the rabbits were soft. Dude, him and fucking Big Pon. Yeah, they both looked hilarious. They would Rick Lund women all the time.

Can you imagine getting into that scenario? I mean, it's bad for you and me to do it to a woman. Those two is like, you know, 1300 pounds a man just in both sides of you. Everywhere you look, there's more meat. Yeah, it's just a wall of fucking body everywhere. You go to the bathroom to like wash your puss and there's just like two elbows and a knee in there it's like what the fuck they're both out in the bedroom but there's just there's just some neck some neck roll yeah around the corner oh christ oh dude that grosses me out. Yeah, it's like feeding a zoo. It's like when they feed hippos pumpkins. That's what they look like.

Just... But it's a woman in between them. The pumpkin is a clit. Ugh, dude. God. And they're just at both ends of you. Fat Joe's belly is on top of your head as you slurp him.

You're just wearing him as a hat. You can feel Pun's gut on your back as he thumps away. God damn. Big Pun's ghost enters Fat Joe and then they get one of the fat boys to come in. Rick's in there. They're all in Fat Joe.

Yeah, there's room in Fat Joe for several ghosts. Yes. Big Pun, Rick Lund. Rick gets in there and he's like, you thinking what I'm thinking, pun? And he's like, oh yeah, let's three-way. And I'm not talking about a phone call, dog. Rick's like, hell yeah, pun.

I knew you were with the movement. They become best friends as ghosts. They hang out in heaven. They hang out in Fat Joee they just don't leave it is like a studio apartment in there as big as a fucking japanese hotel room for sure i wonder i wonder who's hanging out with your dad in heaven stevie ray vaughn yeah dale earnhardt

definitely white guys uh it's funny to think about before your dad has a three-way with big pun that he has to put on aerosmith oh, that was smooth. That's funny that you remember that. Sweet emotion. Your dad and a couple of his friends are in the next room. Man.

Yeah, so. Do you have a black turtleneck down there, Lund? Of course not shoot your shot but i mean you know that you knew the answer and no one has one dude there's just like a black turtleneck shortage across the country right now i have a brown one i have a camo one but i don't have a black one i have a black one but there's it doesn't fit me right now so there's no chance yeah becker I didn't ask you for a reason you said

no one has one so what did you mean Uris and Lund don't have one yeah I asked Borey I asked Uris I asked Mitch does a lot of different cosplay Mitch might have one dude Mitch Mitch

what's fucking Mitch's number dude why don't you finish the podcast before no because i need to do right now i'll message him right now in our group chat thank you talking thank you god finally becker does something yeah finally becker comes through never sold an ad still doesn't have a fucking microphone but hey he knows who the biggest fattest men are and what kind of costumes they might wear yeah you know what squad you know as funny as uh the you know we missed the last lucha libre and laughs it was all women performers and then the commentary team was christy bukely and mitch mitch was like the dude the only dude on the show and i was like well uh equal representation because he's seven dudes so it was kind of like a normal show yeah

i wonder if mitch got laid by every performer on that show he has an insatiable lust for poon they lined up yeah to service him now see that would be if me and mitch three-way you that would be like big pun and fat joe freeway and little kim oh man i'd hate to i'd hate to be in the room while mitch is nutting just like a seismic shift yeah yeah he's he's like too much i don't think he's like a horny person no he has to either he has to either uh you know think or get laid and so when it gets laid he like has no memory of it yeah but he can't stand up with a boner because all the blood in his huge wand it's like when you it's like when you black

out your your brain is loud is able to like give you some motor function but you don't have any like recollection whenever the night whenever mitch gets a boner he's just paralyzed in every other part of his body so he's just like look i'm gonna lay down i'm gonna get hard you're gonna get on we're gonna have a fun time yeah i can't i won't be able to talk yeah i won't be able to move you're gonna have to do all the work but hey go ahead and put this fire hydrant up in your gut yeah but hey it's huge yeah but hey check it out but hey get a load of this. Hey, peep my queedy game.

Look at this thing. Hey, look at this fucking freak show. Get over here. Look how many dicks I have. Hey, do you want to be full or do you want to be stuffed? Because either way, I'm not going to be able to move for the next eight minutes my eyes will be open i will look dead if i'm enjoying myself i will blink once that's all i got all right

uh becker what's the word for mitch he hasn't been active in 43 minutes but he's at work till like 5 45 so hopefully i'll hear back from him soon i explained the whole thing so he'll know you better have one becker it's gonna be your fucking ass if he doesn't have one if mitch doesn't have clothes yeah if mitch doesn't have a novelty size black turtleneck that i can wear to my sister's wedding when i'm not pretending to be paul bear and Lund in a wheelchair dressed as the Undertaker dressed as my mom, your ass is grass. He has to bring it to you from Louisville. Yeah.

Be like, Mitch, get in the hot air balloon. Don't get hard. Get down here. Deliver it to me. Yeah. If Mitch gets a boner while he's driving, he just crashes the car. He just locks up oh my stomach hurts from laughing so much yeah i'm also afraid that i have to i have to dump

again but there's a bunch of women in this house now they're not ready for for my nasty maneuvers it's not allowed man i watched that jimmy savile doc that guy was a bit of a pill well i don't know who that is you don't know jimmy savile the world's best pedophile i've seen that name on the british guy yeah dude like the scariest most ghoulish monster in the history of diddling yeah is there a new documentary on him yeah it's on netflix it's two parts this built a spinal injury hospital so that he could have at it with the people in the hospital oh god yeah he was like banging corpses he went from five to 75 years old jesus he was best friends with princess di and prince charles like he was in him and gary

glitter used to have a tv show together it was just a bunch of like 15 year old girls on beanbag chairs and then they would take them out back and thwump them oh jesus they were just they were rick london across the country well i mean that's just how I describe a three-way everyone hit him with the Rick hey let's do let's do this R.L. Stein maneuver let's make it R.L. Stain my daughter

is R.L. Fine hey Sam I'm hopping in you got it Rick you got it you got it rick lund ghost so hey sam how's lund doing he's like just kidding you know what's funny is last night when I was closing the bar I literally thought to myself because I

don't talk to my mom and I thought oh god I hope she doesn't ever like miss me and then listen to the pod in order to like see what I'm up to fuck I mean god damn it would be the end of her if she heard this episode

she'd have a stroke like your mom did in 2016 yeah i mean i hope that kim doesn't listen either no she doesn't she's got a young child she would she would enjoy it i hope so she's the rest of us yeah she's a little psycho she should be into it yeah probably yeah you know what dude i'm gonna go out on a limb here not telling you how to live let me call your mom because one day you won't be able to and you'll be sad about it who cares oh my god yeah i care will you do it for me will you do it for duddy jr any time i've thought about it uh i when i talked to kim she's like yeah mom's still completely nuts like they used to be able to talk about the weather that was like the one thing that wasn't controversial and now they can't even do that because my mom would be like man it's so

crazy that the weather's so different and then just acts like it's just this random thing that can't be attributed to anything or anyone it's like oh god's being a little wacky with the weather lately it's like oh god fuck off yeah your your mom talks to kim and she's like have you heard about dad's ghost he's really getting into some wacky adventures apparently he's been hopping in lun's friend sam speaking of yeah speaking of wacky the weather's not the only thing that's been crazy lately because your dad's spirit as my mom gets mail my mom gets emails from hr in heaven they're like all right rick is on earth he's in the u.s rick is a wall

he says he just wants one more three-way what does that mean he's getting the boys back together for one more caper the fat boys rick and the boys the jerky boys your dad's in the jerky boys in heaven i listened to the jerky boys with him i remember where i was because we were laughing so hard see you guys are bonding over the jbs the jerkies yeah we had the jerkies we had uh kevin benny hill monty python yep yeah see your dad rules man no i mean no yeah and he he i mean you share one common interest which is the love of three ways i haven't i haven't had a three-way

damn it well you need to talk to creech ah she's not into it you gotta be like look baby we gotta get another dude in here there's nothing i like more to watch you get pounded yeah i want to see someone do a good job the opposite of what i do while i come soft while i while i think about my dad while i can't stop laughing about a recent podcast that Sam and I did that involved unspeakable acts. You're wearing the Undertaker hat and my mom's blouse. It's my dad. You hire my dad to

vanquish while you're dressed as my mom. Talent contest. Talent show. That's what I meant to say. Jesus. lund where can they find you where are you gonna be are we good yeah that's that's an hour oh we're a little over actually i just lost track there at the end laughing so hard uh well oh before I forget, I've got stickers. Chubby Behemoth stickers. Finally, thanks to Carlos's buddy, Neil. I can't think of the company name.

Neil Gaiman? No, Neil Gaiman. Neil Gaiman. Either way, that's fun. Neil Gaiman, Neil Gaiman. My last name's guyman uh no it's not half guy half half guy half man my last name is gay man uh but yeah we've got stickers now uh there's i'll put them up on our instagram so that people can see

yeah three different designs it's the two cartoon characters that... Is it Ran? Ron? Ran Barnaclow did. And also, when you're not eagerly purchasing stickers to put on your Trapper Keeper before you go to sophomore English, you should join our Patreon at patreon.com slash... W-E-M-A-L-E-G-A-M-A Yeah, slash Rick Lund. Join our Patreon at patreon.com slash. Chubby Behemoth.

Yeah. Slash Rick Lund. Ariel Staines. Yeah. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. We got hours of episodes on there. One free app a week for five bucks. Please join that so we can keep printing money it's been a good little run we're having

fun i'm off the road for three weeks you know i'm going to mexico next week but who cares we'll do the pod yeah right take don't take the bet on that yeah we'll do the pod all right i mean we're gonna have so much fodder after the wedding it'll be great we'll have all this stuff to talk about we'll tell everyone uh join the patreon so you can hear how the lun dressed as my mom dressed as the undertaker bit goes over um because we'll discuss it on there on monday you know give us a follow on instagram at sam talent beckertown or whatever becker wax becker wax off uh yeah uh at lund no at nathan lund comedy at chubby behemoth podcast just at you should see if you can get at lund you should just start going by lund dude just yeah i would imagine a major boat company has it no they're probably lund motors or lund boating yeah maybe the pancake company has it

the swedish pancake company oh lund when you're opening for me out there i'm going to tell them that to introduce you as lund yeah good call i like lund's here uh speaking of which i'm opening for you in houston may 20th and 21st that's right we're at the riot there at rudyard's in houston texas and then austin the creek in the cave the 27th and 26th or 28th and 27th last weekend in may yeah 27 i'm uh i'm at the rogue island comedy festival that monday and sunday out there in newberry connecticut or whatever get tickets to that rogue island comedy and then london i will be in st louis missouri the first weekend at helium first weekend of june come out see the boys see lund see me possessed by lun's dad's ghost banging

his sister um it'll be great what did that say becker lund it's somebody named oivind lund so it looks very foreign there's a dash through the o and they have oivid oivind oivind oh oh with whatever that dash through it whatever noise that makes y-v-i-n-d lund they have 999 followers and have never posted anything. What the fuck? We gotta have Oivid. Yeah, I might have to buy that from Oivid. Oivid.

Yeah, do the voice. Nice. Oivid. My Oivid.