Chubby Behemoth - I'm On Two

Episode Date: July 25, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsor: IndaCloud - If you're 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHUBBY at https://inda.shop/CHUBBY #indacloudpod     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all back together in Tulsa! Sam tells the fellas about a cool new non-fiction book he read, reveals his idea to handle long leashes, and remembers seeing his grandpas gun. Nathan ponders how bikers get into the water, can't imagine getting bunned, and unknowingly celebrated his birthday the same way his sister celebrated hers.     00:00 We Know How To Read Screens 01:03 Japanese Kiss 03:09 Another Blast From The Past 04:05 Seeing Your Teacher Outside Of School 06:00 Really Admired His Eye 07:29 Pitch On A Condo 08:46 Not My Problem 10:13 Make Out 12:39 CLUB. 15:16 Jodeci Real Loud 17:52 Not In This State 19:33 Part Of Getting Older 20:24 Thinking About The Pool 25:21 Robot Horse 28:36 Cheap Pop 29:22 Necro Butcher 32:20 Such Meaty Wobblers 34:37 Muppet Babies 38:14 Stay Out Of That Cave 39:53 Double Dog Dare You 41:17 Our Wives Can't Be Mad 42:29 Burning Something 44:09 I Did The Same Thing 46:39 Mulligan Stew 50:07 No Ones Going To Hurt You Honey 51:57 I'm A Boy 55:45 Immediately Bitten By Bugs 58:07 Sammy Had A Job For A Day 01:01:39 Huck Finn Type 01:05:11 High Barrier For Pain     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   MORE WIDE WORLD: @SamTallent   Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, it does my mic work. Everybody's coming and even. The only podcast that checks the sound without headphones, Chewy Behemoth, welcome, guys. Check the levels. Yeah, we know how to read screens at Chubby Behemath. So here's what we're doing this week.

As per your demand, we're going to let you bring us into the pod. You said that you had a big time intro that you wanted to try out. And I don't like to put a harness on you. You know, I like to let this bull buck. No, you're just like... Lund said, terrible idea. Don't give him any rope. Will hang himself.

Yeah. Liss is more, Becker. I'm listening. Go ahead, man. Welcome to Chubby Beam behemoth with formerly big guy, our little guy Sam Talent and the one and only Lund. Now what's Shubby Bemith? You fucked up the name of the podcast.

Chubby Bimo. What is it? Midnight? It's probably 10. It's 8.30. Is it really? In the morning, yeah. We drugged you.

We gave you a Japanese kiss. What's a Japanese kiss? I'm reading this book called People Who Eat Darkness About a cereal Uh Serial guy. Yeah. You know?

Yeah, serial grape guy. Well, come on. He likes the grape. Look, we all loved white as kids, you know. Okay. No, just the workaround. Yeah. Yeah, he's burning the candle at both ends, you know?

And he was, uh, and this is a, non-fiction book, you know, and he would go to these places, these hostess bars where the women just talk to you. Not cupcakes, Becker. Yeah. But you would also love these hostesses, too. And then he would trick them back to his condo on the beach and then, you know,

boo-ya. But what's- Hit him with it? But what was the Japanese kiss? He would hit them with chloroform. Yeah, he would- reformed them or hit him with GHB in their champagne. Then they'd wake up and he would give

them like a hundred million yen. Yeah. Like eventually once he came to trial, but he killed a couple girls. Jesus. Yeah. On accident he said. I believe him. Yeah. I don't think that was his plan. No. Yeah. He planned on paying him off eventually. Well, he was just, you know, hitting him with boo-ya. No, which is

It's so insane that we have to say that Instead of the actual term for the The awful atrocity due to censorship There's rumors that those are loosening up But who wants to be the people to figure it out Speaking of loosening up Out of nowhere, there's 12 views on this And it's like, ooh, boo-ya

I just got boo-ya I got kissed breaking out on your ass Yeah Boo-ya That was Boo-ya in Vegas Dude Boo-boo-ya would be a crazy blast from the past like mega tonight.

That'd be cool. Buyah was the man. Did he ride a motorcycle? Yeah, he could be milling around. He could be revving, even though the AI flyers say, hey, no revving. Okay, get back to Biaa. No, another blast from the past was a dude after the show that remembered us from like the deer pile and my open mic.

And he goes, I was going to do your open mic at Three Kings, but... But you called me in. It told me to leave. no i i i was nice for a lot of my open mic you were very nice but if he came in the first couple years yeah coin flip first time when i was drinking tall boys of pbr were free right it was hot as well the show was kind of outside it was like right by that big open great it was in the like window on broadway and that led to some crazy shit but uh the first couple of

couple years it was on the stage because I was like it's a big stage we might as well use it wrong but I didn't know I was drunk there was a time on the big stage where Eric Henderson like Black Rabbit was on South Broadway instead of Colfax and it was like whoa black rabbit on Broadway and Hendo like seeing your teacher outside of school you don't go here man Local zone. Whoa, someone got a bus pass. Eric, like, mentioned that he was outside or whatever. It was crazy because all of a sudden he was inside.

He came through the vents. Like trying to go at, he turned into liquid. He moved like Volvo. He's liquid metal. He turned into a puddle that scurried along the floor and then it felt like he appeared by the stage. And it was like, oh, God. And everybody was like, no, Black Rabbit, no. Yeah.

What was his name? He started going by his real name. Oh, yeah, like Eric or something? He was like taking his meds. Anyway, this dude said that he was... Yeah, he wasn't a eyepatch street poet after that. He was going by his real name. Yeah, Wyatt.

It was more chill for a while. Zeke. But not this night. That night, he, yeah, he appeared and it was crazy. But this dude, after the show in Tulsa says he was around in like... the three kings and deer pile days and that he was gonna do my mic

after taking a comedy class from Charles Pang and that I wish you were right next to me. Pang man. You had to hit me with smelling salts like they woke up that guy's victim. So crazy. Yeah.

To hear about Pang, yeah. And that he taught a class because I feel like he was one of the first comics that pivoted that realized that he could take pictures Because he couldn't do stand-up. Well, yeah, like another angle. Right.

It was always an angle from on top of a ladder right down a woman's blouse. So he could draw them better. Pang, good dude. I hope he's good. But he did, like, paint a few portraits of comics. And I really admired his eye. The way that he saw people. His eyes got real big and he went,

Auga. Yeah, he did like a kind of an anime style. of woman. Yeah. He made Kristen Rand have huge cans in a painting he did of her and then gave to her. Yeah, yeah, which would have been a reason to keep talking to it. He called it the dream come true. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I mean, we all pitched on it. Not as real. But yeah, so that was very funny for this dude to fucking hit me with a pang. Took a class from Pang. Oh, and he knew fucking. Heart pangs. You did that joke where you'd come out with your shirt off and be like,

does this shirt make me look fat? And I was like, dude, I did that six times, but people remember it. It's burned in their brain. It's one of the better bits of comedy anyone's ever achieved. It's all the way up there. It's like Big J at the Eagle Stadium, and then you with your shirt off at Three Kings.

Well, I wouldn't have done it at my open mic that I hosted, so that's funny, too. But he said he was around. So it was funny. And it brought me back. And also, you know, I've made fun of you when I met you and you didn't own socks, and that always makes me think of back in the day.

Be in the D. Be in the damn D. We were being in the D back then, right there in D town. We were B to the B. Ben Vau. We should pitch on a condo in that new riverfront development. The three of us will have a condo in the city.

They're building it like right along the river downtown. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Where? You know where riverfront park is? Like right by the RIA, like across the street from the RIA, across the river.

Yeah. That whole area they're going to develop. Yeah. They're getting rid of eulches. More people. More people for guys like you. Bumping into each other. More people with their dogs on a long leash.

Right. And then like being on their phone too. Right. Like. While pushing a baby stroller. It's like a rat king. Yeah. But it's all dogs with their leash.

And then people who like realize what's happening, but they don't want to be the one that has to fix it. So they keep acting like it's fine. It's not their fault. Yeah. Yeah. They're not there. of like a dozen people.

They're on Cal She just being like probably seven more dogs. Yeah. Denver's really devolved into people who think like wearing Patagonia to Thanksgiving is a political act. Yeah.

Yeah. But hey, God bless them. I love Denver. Go Nuggets. You know, I'll be there Thanksgiving. Go Broncos. More important. Cool Broncos hat tonight.

Thank you. Yeah. No, a different guy. Oh. I'm not even wearing one. in front of the show. I'm just jealous. You know, it would be cool

as if they gave everyone who had a dog on a long leash, a recumbent bicycle. So then they were just like all really low to the ground and getting pulled around

by their dogs. So they're just like, you know, bob sledding behind their dog, 18 inches off the ground. Not my problem. Not in my sight line. Just sipping around.

Yeah, exactly. The underground of the sidewalk. There's a whole ecosystem that you're unaware. Yeah, they're like moss. You're tripping over these people. No, no, because they all have to wait for me.

because I'm on two. And that's what you say. When you hear one of them coming, because they all have like bells on, so you can hear them approaching. They all have a unique claxon. So you can hear if your buddies are on the corner. But yeah, as they approach,

I have to, I yell to them, I'm on too. And then all the bicycles, all there are coming bicycles within like my voice, they all just like lock up. Everyone who's on two

gets to yell, I'm on two. And everyone's dogs, freeze midstried. Resume. Two is past. Otherwise, I don't fucking care or see what they're up to because they're all, you know, shoestring people. White two premises.

Yeah, yeah. It doesn't have to be white, I guess. Anyone can be on two. It's Denver. All the white people are not on two. All the white people are pulling their dogs. Yeah. Sometimes the dog's in the sled.

The humans on all fours. And they get to say, I'm on four. And I'm like, whoa, the dog can't talk. That wouldn't be bad. Oh yeah, Becker and I tried to make this look less insane. No, I mess with this lamp and it's just, this is what we could do. It was a bunch of just stupid, you know, that's a whole like one piece of furniture where, oh, yeah, we need a tiny hole so that you can't get the lamp out of there. Pretend you're watching, pretend you're watching like a Gus Van Zant film.

You know, like this is elephant. Moody. This is lost in translation. Dude, there was a 19-year-old boy at the show tonight. His name was Eli. That book was lost in translation was kind of took from that book, I think. I couldn't read it. Yeah.

So. He just kept jacking on. No, no. I mean, I was lost in the translation. Yeah, yes, yes. Yours was Holger and mine was all the way up. You couldn't see it. You were, I was on too.

And you were getting yanked by your dog. I couldn't handle it, man. We have, I have such nice. Your dog couldn't handle you. Beanie's out in front? Mush. You're whipping it with a nerds rope. Beanie's got a lot of energy.

He's young and excited, yeah. We've been having nice walks, just me and her. You can finally talk. Mama's just so out of it and sleeping a lot, whatever. She's older. So Beanie and I will sneak out. And it's, I think about it all the time. That, like, maybe I see a couple of people at any point.

And I think about in Denver, when it got really bad, where it was just like, I can't walk my dog. This is the worst. The sidewalks are just jammed with people that are walking their dog. Or like standing out front of their place

because they just like go out right out front of their place and maybe around the block. It was just too much for me. I get it, man. For an old ghost like me. Yeah, old Lund. 44 now. 44 years.

Not young, but not old either. You're right there. It is truly the opposite where we live in a town now where people don't even walk dogs. They should be walking. Yeah, the dogs walk you guys. We have the opposite problem where the dogs are kicking them in the face. The dogs are in the front yard or they get out of the yard. They're so understimulated that all they have is losing their shit at everything that they can see.

Anybody that walks by. The town's whole vibe is who's walking who. I'm glad you guys are down there, man. It's safe down there. It's nice. Yeah. We are staying at. at a hotel here in Tulsa, Oklahoma,

which is populated by what can only be described as a black motorcycle gang. Yeah, yes it is. From all across the nation. Club. Club. Yeah. Sure, club. I don't want to cast aspersions.

I think that if I was a motorcycle type guy, they had maces. Yeah, they were brandishing a lot of shillelies, which was surprising. You know what's also weird? There's some white guys in there, too. No. Yes, there are.

Specifically. Any. There's a NorCal gentleman who has the vest, and it says flaming nights above the top. It says NorCal, but he doesn't have the logo. He doesn't have the emblem. So I asked my man, Stretch. I said, Stretch, what's up with that guy over there without the logo? And he said, of course, you want to know more about the one white guy here.

Well, why doesn't he have the patch? I know. And also, when I saw him, they were playing keepaway with a folding chair with this young man. Okay. Yeah. If he could get it, he could sit. Yes. And he was tired as out.

So I said, what's his deal? And he said, he's a prospect. And I said, oh, so he has to do all the bitchwork. And he said, it gets pretty dirty. Whoa. Mm-hmm. Huh. Yeah.

Damn. I also introduced myself. I said, hey, are you guys in town for a wedding? And he said, no, we're here for like a meeting. And I said, well, whose head's getting kicked in? And then he liked that and said, stretch. He gave you the. Right.

Yeah. The big... Yeah. That would have been awesome. If anyone made physical contact with anything out there, I would have turned into fucking just glass. Other than shoving you.

Yeah. Out of the way. Bushes. Hey, squad. They call their pledges or their prospect squires. So they all call them squire. Say, hey, squire, get over here

and blow my old lady. You should pledge. No, no, no. We film it. It's the new Hunter S. Thompson thing. A lot less violence. I don't think I... A lot more good time, Charlie.

I don't think that if I was going to pledge, I would pledge the flaming knights. That's all. I don't think there's a racial barrier, and if anyone's going to break it, it was that man from NorCal. There's also a guy from Macon, Georgia here, who's incredibly white, but also

down with it. Yeah. Oh, he walked in, who was in line behind me when I checked in, and everyone was coming up to greet him. So I think that it's not so much racial lines anymore, and more of just human beings. Yeah. You know, raising hell.

Humans peeing Right now outside All over the minivan Who's stuck between their bikes I mean you pull up man And it's like a fucking swap meet It's just every type of like bike out there And then they're all full patch

Just rocking their colors Letting it hang Playing Jodacy real loud Yep Smoking some reefer Dude a guy I was smoking a joint around the corner Because I didn't want to

There was actually Before you guys got there The sidewalk was completely jammed Because there was a mobile Detailing service that came and was cleaning everyone's bikes. That's what the freaking white guy's for. The Squire?

These were a lot of bikes. One guy drove, he said, from San Diego to Miami and then back to Tulsa. So we had a bunch of bugs on his bike that he needed dealt with. And I said, let me lick them off for you, Daddy. Damn. If I, if I, if I, if I, if I, if I, they call me to do. The Squire, do I get the chair or what? Yeah.

I heard there's a chair being offered? I'd like to be debased for a chair, please. Yeah, it was wild to come upon in our Uber. I wanted to be out there. I thought about the Uber driver having to come in, and there weren't bikes everywhere, like, in the way, but there were a lot of bikes. For him to have to navigate a little bit gingerly,

and I just thought, my God, can you imagine how nervous you would be to clip? There was just, there were so many of those dudes. They were all beautiful bikes. Yeah, they're a well-maintained vehicles. Right on the edge of the grouping. Yeah. There was that guy with the drag axle, a bunch of shiny Harleys. Our guy didn't speak English.

I think they're bound by Blood Oath to beat the shit out of anyone who fucks with one of their bikes. Oh, yeah. And I was going to say, like, there weren't like a bunch of, like, guys where you'd be like, I'd go for that guy. There was no guy where he'd be like, oh, I'd go. Yeah, I got this. I'll take thumper. They all look like they would not be fucked with. No.

Yeah, you would need a double dragon weapon, a chain. Or like a garbage can. I want one of those like double-headed battle axes, you know? Sure. Cut through. From Golden Axe? Yeah, exactly. Yes, I want Golden Axe type branding.

I was more picturing you with like Wharf's thing from Star Trek. I don't know who Wharf is. The. Oh, the forehead guy. Yeah. Yeah. The ridges, the ruffles. Right.

Dento. Yeah. Big giant blade. Uh-huh. Okay. Dento. Yeah, I'd like that. Yeah, that'd be great.

And I would just hack and slash through. Actually, I'd be on their. team. If something happens tonight and they go like door to door and they're like you riding with us or are you riding against us? I would like flip my hat backward, rip the sleeves off my shirt and say, put me in the side core

papa. The side core? Side car I meant to say. The Marine Corps? I don't know. I thought he knew cool ganglingo I didn't know. Put me in the side core. Put me in the side core, daddy. Because I'm hardcore. Hey man. Hardcore porn. I'm

hardcore holly. Not in this No? No. Well, I'm not watching anything with Becker right next to me. Oh, yeah, like you've never cranked one while we shared a room. No.

You never taking a really long shower? Shower's weird. I've said this before. You get dizzy. No. Like John Popper. Share shower. It's kind of tough to just Jack.

Yeah. You know? I don't care. Oh, I know you don't. Do it into the toilet. You do whatever you want. I do it. I think the toilet, that's where the poop goes.

Do it in the sink and then run cold water. Say goodbye, slime trail. See you later, South Buggers. I'm all jammed up because my wife was farting too bad last night. Are you supposed to talk about it? I don't know. She was farting very bad. I slept in a different room.

That's all I'm saying. I mean. Her sister may or may not have gone to bed early. Because of how ruthless these farts were. It happens sometimes. She had like heartburn really bad. And she woke up at like 7 a.m. It was like, I'm having a heart attack.

She had really bad heartburn. And then later that night. What did she have like? Her butt had heartburn. She had a couple skittles? I feel like she eats so clean. She's so delicate. She's so delicate.

She's been fucking going nuts, man. Oh, okay. She had a spicy cocktail and then woke up with deliberate, not deliberating, debilitating heartburn. Yeah, that's, it's hard. It's hard to just be like, everything's fine. And like, I used to, I mean, I had heartburn from like 18 to probably 30, just I thought it was like part of getting older.

I can run a car now. I just have heartburn all the time. You know, that's how it is. So she gets heartburn and she's like, oh, no, I got to go to the hospital. It's like, come on. It's the diarrhea thing all over again. Yeah. I don't have to do anything.

I have diarrhea. Oh, really? Oh, okay, really. Well, my butt would like to talk to your butt. I like to have a tete-a-tete. Yeah, hopefully we get to prove our allegiance. to the Flaming Knights of New Haven, Connecticut? Hey, that'd be something.

Get you on a side car? Maybe. Or maybe they'll let me drive. That would be huge. They're in this. You know what, man, I've always wanted to be in the side car. Everyone thinks it's gay. Will you drive?

You know what I'm already in the saddle? I get thinking about the pool and how no bikers could really get into a pool, but especially the nights, I don't think. Yeah, it's like, you don't get in the pool. I don't think the undertaker. go swimming. No. Yeah.

No way. And I thought about it too. Like you could go to the lake. Uh-huh. And what? Like, stand in the water in your cutoffs? No. Get your boots soaked?

No. If they can get into the water because you're not wearing your jeans and boots, you're not wearing cutoff jean shorts. Yeah. And like flip flops or and you're not wearing swim trim. You're not wearing chaps either. Yeah. Yeah.

So there's like no good option. So I don't think that might have been on Sons of Anarchy and I'm stealing it. and I'm stealing it. Maybe. Who knows? I did think about it where it's like, it would be funny though, if I'm wrong, we go up there and they're all like having a blast.

Oh, yeah. And cut off jeans. Right. They're splashing around. They have their shirts off but their vests on still. They're still in their cuts. Or the vests are in like plastic. Right.

And they're holding them over their head. No, they're on. They're wearing them. So they're like a, like a grandma's couch? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it looks like a weird late 90s fashion statement.

something Cisco would have worn. A vest inside of a bag. Shirtless. Yeah. Yeah. That might be okay. Or like a water. It's crazy.

He pivoted to that food empire. Like an inflatable motorcycle. Yeah. For in the water. Oh, dude. I mean, that'd be sick. If they're like faking it, like, like,

and two bigger guys are pushing them across the pool. My turn. On a unicorn or a fucking, like, bright pink raft. No. So it's got to be something badass. Probably like a monster truck inflatable. Water hog.

Yeah, or like a big, like wild boar, like a pig. It's like a big tusked hog, and they're writing around. They're probably playing chicken in there. Pretty high-stakes chicken. I don't know. That's how the pledges. Yeah. That's why they got here.

That's how they decided. Yeah, they're going to be in the pool tomorrow at the strike of midnight. Anyway, I feel like the more we talk about them, the more likely we get dragged behind a bike. Hey, fun episode, right? Free 99? Well, I'm telling me. Why don't you,

why don't you head over to the Patreon? Give us a few bucks. You have access to a whole new world of episodes. Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. $5 a month. It's $1.25 a week. Get real. You got it.

You got it. There's so many good episodes. There's Q&As. There's Q&As. Lund has his wrestling, watch along. I'm doing a book club. On the Patreon, we're going to be reading in a lonely place by I think Dorothy Hughes is her name. New York Review of Books book.

Great, noir, fucking just really, really bleak and dark and fun female protagonist from like the 50s. We're going to be doing that on the Patreon. Read it by September 1st and then get down the Patreon for the big conversation. My mother-in-law might make an appearance because we're doing the book club together in person. Nice. And then also you can see me on the road. When does this come out, Becker? tomorrow or Sunday. All right, Tulsa the 25th. That's today, potentially.

Oklahoma City, the 26th. That's the Sunday. Nashville, Zanis, August 6th through 8th. And then the Huntsville show has been canceled because they wanted me to move it to 3 o'clock. So we're doing it in Tuscaloosa at Sanctuary. There is a ticket link. It's on my punch-up page.

Tuscaloosa, the 9th, no longer Huntsville. Then we're bopping down to Naples, which is near Fort Myers. found out recently. Driving up to tamper. Tampa's selling well. Thank fucking God. Yeah, thank God.

Virginia, Beach, Richmond, Milwaukee, Winnipeg, Cleveland, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City. All the dates are on my website. And also, we're doing book events. Detroit, September 21st. The book will not be for sale. I will not be selling books at that event and signing them at the event at the post in

Detroit on September 21st. first. That would not be allowed. None of that will ever happen. Couldn't even if you wanted to. Oh, even if I like begged for it and they said, yeah, we can do that. I still, I wouldn't have allowed it to happen. So don't come there and get a book on September 21st at the post on the east side of the city of Detroit. The 22nd, I will be in Chicago for the big kickoff at a bookstore there. You will be able to get books there for sure. Unlike the 21st. right it down right it down so 22nd in chicago i think the 23rd in toledo on the way to cleveland we're in cleveland that weekend and then i think i'm gonna do bloomington on the way out to indianapolis and st louis the next weekend anyway sorry for that big update but we love you i'm pro flaming nights yeah for sure i have nothing bad to say i've had like probably five conversations with different members from different states and they've all been very polite

and they were also very nice in line because like the computer system was all backed up. I don't know if it's good to say that they're nice and polite either. Oh, you're right. No, but I was also, I was on edge. I was on edge. We should keep our mouths. The violence could pop off at any time. We should shut our fucking sucks. I like any group that plays loud music in a public place while smoking weed. I like raising hell with my friends, you know? And if I bet doing it on an electric stallion like that would be right on, man. A robot horse. Lund, your dad was in a in a gang, right? Yeah, what were they called?

The fake bullet holes. They were bullied mercilessly. The bullet hole stickers, the decal bullets. God. Yeah, he put that on his PT cruiser and said, the grim reapers riding shotgun. Instead of Bubby drags. You heard that insane no noise, right?

No, what was that? I don't know. Maybe it was just in my ears. No, it was. Is it a gunfire? Is it what you're saying? No, it sounded like an outdoor elevator. It was weird.

Oh, yeah. The night's... have those for their bikes. Well, a guy pulled in while I was smoking a joint, and he just drove into the parking lot, or in the parking structure. It's like five-story tall, playing the loudest music I've ever heard,

Jodicey, on his bike, and then just drove up every level of the parking garage, and then down every level of the parking garage, and then just rode out. He just rode up there to amplify his Jodicy. Hell yeah. Yeah, he wanted to hear it. Yeah, as loud as anyone ever has.

He wanted it to sound like in the showroom today. Right, right. Yeah, what was that about? It's just a tough, it's a tough space, I would imagine. And I will say that the sound was about as dialed in as could be, and that if there was some asshole that tried to make it, to just like figure out how to make it sound good in there, it'd be hard. Oh, yeah.

Because I realized, like, there must be some fiddling to make it work the way it did. And it's just a weird space. They got to fucking do some sound dampeners or like a fake ceiling or something. Yeah. Because it used to be a supermarket, I think. A supermarkets. This is big. This is big, man.

And yeah, it was funny to imagine somebody that's a comic that's like real high energy just screaming and you just can't understand anything because it's too loud. He's writing their own echo. Corey would probably fucking figure that shit out. I don't know. I think Corey might just live in the building. I said he was the sound guy. but I think he had squatters rights to the booth.

He worked at the supermarket. I'll sing for my supper. Yeah, he was the dairy manager. That was the cooler. So he was already back there when they switched businesses. Yeah, just found a black shirt. Clocked in. What's your intro music?

Oh, he fucked up, I think, because something played that wasn't whip it around for like a second and a half when I went and started to go out and I was like oh what the hell is this and then it was whip it around I'm surprised you're not coming out to chat pile I like you love the cheap pop I like chat pile they're from here they're from Oklahoma City I think I don't uh find out who to come out to uh let's think deaf tones in Sacramento who cares okay I well I just feel like that's not coming to them it's like me loving a band and they're from that place time we were in Missouri you came out to

Casey and the Sunshine Band. I was like, hey, definitely, also nobody cared. We were in St. Louis. We weren't in KC.

Seager in Detroit. Oh yeah, Seag and Destroy. I had still backwards. Yeah, leave it.

Wensel comes out to Seeger. Yeah, you love Wensel. I know everything about him. I do everything about the Necro butcher, Samoa Joe. Yeah,

and you, you have So yeah, you listed off a bunch of stuff that was completely accurate. It was like in the Dark Side of the Ring episode. When's the last time you looked up or read anything about that match? There's a like a, there's like a YouTuber guy who has like a weird like traditional mustache, you know? And like kind of like rocker hair. He looks like a hesher.

Okay. Like a, I think he's an Asian heshire. And he did a video on like the best. wrestling match ever and it was about that match and that probably came out in the last five years okay so yeah but you still access that like rain man

well I did a bunch of research on necro butcher at one point and I still like if anyone out there can connect me the netro necro butcher I want to interview him for like that next book that I might want to write because he'd be great to talk about he's like the death match wrestler him and Mick

Mick Mick would be sick I mean the funk man's no longer with us gauge. Yeah, but that guy seems like a lot. No, he's cool. Is he cool? Yeah. All right.

I mean, he's a positive dude. CMZ or whatever it is, CXC. CZW. Command zone? Is it command zone? CZW was combat zone. Oh, combat zone, yeah. He was a part of that.

But I mean, I knew Ian Rotten booked the gig. That was crazy. You said a lot of stuff that was true and I was like, holy shit. I figured, yeah, I'm glad that you saw a video. semi recently and not just like on something awful I told you I remember

watching the highlights of that match on the library computer at Metro State University and it was on Daily Motion in like 2006 yeah because it happened like right around Katrina it was 05 yeah that's how I remember

it was that was my Katrina yeah yeah but Necro's like a genius man And he just, I really, I kind of, I don't know, envisioned my career kind of similar to necro butcher, you know. I've seen people say that he talks some weird shit on Facebook, so I don't know where he's his ed's at now. I searched him on Instagram today and he was wearing a lot of like, he had like a weird like Jesse the body Ventura thing going, but with like a Make America Great Again hat and like red, white and blue kind of Zubah's pants. Sandman. Yeah, he's sandmaning it. Yeah, but not the guy from the Apollo. I don't think he'd be a. fan.

Yeah, I didn't read anything, but it was weird to watch him in the wrestler. Well, I can't wait to watch that episode. Yeah, we should do it now. No, we have another half an hour. It is warm like we've been without AC for an hour, though. Yeah, you're having flashbacks of being at home. There's a helicopter outside the window. I'm beating up like we're in Trinidad.

Oh, no. The knights have taken the skies. That would be hilarious. That would be crazy. We open it up. Chauber out of the helicopter. And then instead of like opening fire on us, it's like

chicks with huge ones. And they're just like swinging outside the helicopter. And like they're so big and juicy that the helicopter loses balance and like plummets and crashes. And then we have to go down and save the babes. But they're all burnt.

And we're like, it's okay. We'll still save you. And they're like, thank you. Thank you for save. They're on fire. Their boobs. Their boobs rock. the helicopter

to the ground. They had such meaty wobblers that like, you know, it's like those clacking balls that rich guys have on their desks.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what's happening out there. And you didn't want to open this up

because of the glare and we could have seen that whole big titty cataclyism. Somehow worse with it being like a double image behind us.

We would have had a double image. It would have been pretty cool. Double boner. Put them on the glass. They try. Crash into the room. your head's cut off just leaning

yeah swooshing what would the what would the machine gun shoot out like use tampons not condoms

because that's not cool they gotta do like they might use them though they could be responsible sexually sigs yeah lucies yeah

like Winston cigarettes they'd become you filter first lit at the back right they'd be lit yeah like coozy's Oh, those pens, those pens that have like a bikini lady on it, but you flip it over and the bikini falls off.

A bunch of used toothpicks. It starts with a nude woman and then you flip it and she has four cans. Yeah. It turns from two to four. Right. But then the bikini keeps going and the bottoms come off instead of a pussy. It's just a swastika. And they're like, God damn it.

Cool helicopter bikers. It's always the dark side. Yeah, of the ring. Dark side of the helicopter babies. It's like Muppet babies, but they all have PTSD from Vietnam. They didn't see like villages on fire. A little kid rocking back and forth staring at the trees. Muppet babies.

That shit sucked. It was so stupid. Muppet babies. Even if I was a baby, I knew it was for babies. Muppet Baby's rules. No, it was like Barney, but cartoons. No, Muppet Babes. You were learning lessons about, like, Spain?

Not really. Each Muppet Babies was an adventure in one of their imagination. Right. Usually, it was based on, like, a movie. It was like Wishbone, but for movies. Is that Allegory? Yeah. I didn't watch.

I did Star Wars. I was busy playing. He busy getting laid. Don Quixote. He tried to eat it. You tried to eat the mic. I was busy playing Loll. lost Vikings.

Yeah, no, Muppet Baby's rules. I won't stand for that. The new one was pretty, pretty weak. I'm on two, man. You're being corbed.

I'm on two all the time. But yeah, the new one sucked. The original was the shit. I thought people liked the new one. I mean, the new one was... It was Muppet teens.

It was weird. Oh, like shapes and stuff? Yeah, it was like an educational TV show. Ron Funches was fun on it. What was he? The baby? No, he played a new character, and then there was a...

Gork Bo. It plays played by Macucci, I think, that was really good. Kate McCoochee. Oh. They were talking about the guy from the book I read. No. Mr. Booyah. And then like, in trial, like, during the trial, they catch him with videotapes of him

assaulting these women, like, for, like, years and years. They catch him with a journal with, like, all of the different acronyms for the awful crimes he committed against every woman since 1970. they find three bottles of chloroform that's full and six empty and then a bunch of GHB and his whole defense is it wasn't me it wasn't me yeah his whole thing was we all look alike yeah could have been any guy and maybe a lady so suck it your honor we all look alike Your honor, I wasn't. That's you on the video wearing the gorilla mask.

That could be anyone wearing the gorilla mask. He was all sweaty all the time, but his literal defense was like, it wasn't me. He invented like a guy who would come and, like, do it. Like, he was the guy doing it. Yeah. It was really, it's really heavy duty. What made you read it? I think hardcore book club on Instagram.

That guy doesn't miss. Okay. I was going to say, you don't read nonfiction. No. Was it a journalist? Was it like a journalist who covered the Murder trial of one of the women Which was a huge deal because she was from London

And she was like a pretty blonde And like she was a hostess over there And the Japanese police are just used to people Admitting they did the crime So they never have to do any police work 99.5% of people just confess to every crime Yeah Eventually or what?

Yeah, yeah Like they don't they don't arrest you Unless they know that you're guilty Yeah And then people will be so dead to rights that it's just tradition kind of like and if they do arrest you when you're not guilty

they're so good at it that it's like understood like it'll be easier for you in your life if you just admit to it it's their conviction rate they're not used to having to do any police work like it took them like six years to find this body even though it was 20 minute 20 no it was like

what is it meters is really small it was like 20 meters as the crow flies from the guy's house in a cave and he would watch people playing on the beach near the cave. And then like when little kids would go in the cave, he would be like, get out of the fucking cave. Stay out of that cave. What the fuck?

All the time. He's just watching the cave or boo yawing like Australian women with like the promise of a cell phone. It was wild. It's really good. And it breaks down the way of water, which is like Japanese sex work and the different tiers of it. It's crazy what they're up to over there.

Remember? We went to. Oh, I remember. Where did we go? I mean, nothing happened. We went to a... Part of town was the Vegas.

Oh, the red light district. There's Rapungi. And then... It was Rapungi. Rapungi's the one that's like the horny place. Yeah, that was the neighborhood where it was like, keep an eye out. And then the last night there was a bunch on that hill where our friend and pal that showed us around acted like we were a bunch of clowns for not wanting to get down with him right before we went to the airport.

Yeah, so it's like well built into their lifestyle over there that you just like go get rubbed off or blown. Yeah. Yeah. And the reason these hostess bars thrive is because like Japanese men love to know their role in the thing. So like they're paying to know what to do, which is like flirt usually poorly in English with like the young women from around the world. But yeah, there's like all these different bars over there that do different stuff. like Korean massage is like full release with their butt cheeks or something. Whoa.

Yeah. Yeah, right. It's crazy. All the different. Double dog dare you. Yeah. Get me. We should have like.

I can't imagine I could make that happen. Do you think the creature would be mad if you got blown? With a butt? By a butt? Yeah, by a butt. If you got. I was just getting blown by a butt. Yeah.

I got Bund, honey. Yeah. Nathan Bund. I got bun. Yeah. No penetration equals no adjudication. It was Chicago style, though. So there was celery salt.

No, I don't know. She wouldn't care? I probably, maybe not. Why don't we go have some crazy wild sex romp? I don't want to do that. Like, we're already doing very fun, crazy stuff traveling the world. I don't need to really rub it in by getting bunned on top. Like, yeah, not only was I going.

gone not helping out. And all the dogs are sick. Dicking around with my buds. You're out there getting bunded. Yeah, I got non-penetraish sex. Yeah, I got butt cheek jerk. I got future crimes done unto me. Yeah.

Okay, well, okay. Well, if you're not in, I'm not in. It just, I don't know. I'm thinking like, I'm thinking like we just have a woman each, but there's like just a mirror between us. So we're behind each other, but I can see you and you can see me. So it's not like weird. I'm just watching you as I'm having, you know, full throttle bun.

And then you're behind me bunning, you know. You're over there steam in yours. And then, but I see you. So it's not fun for either of us. And our wives can't be mad. And Becker's there filming the whole thing to show our wives. For daily motion. Right.

Put it on daily mooch. Yeah, it's in a necro butcher highlight reel. It's just like 12 seconds of us double bunning. Everybody watches it. It's kind of sadder and sadder's a good guy contact with each other in the mirror. There's like four new videos on Daily Motion. That's one of them. They're all bun.

Everybody that's still fucking with DM. Someone gets a AOL email. Someone's GeoCity site lights up. Yeah. That'd be fun, man. I'll just think about it. I keep forgetting and then remembering to bring this up. Yesterday was my birthday.

And I didn't want much. You brought it up a bunch. We haven't talked about it. I wanted to go to Monument Lake and we did. Got in. It was nice. It's been so freaking hot. So getting that water, it's beautiful.

It's like my happy place up there with the dogs. It's good. There's like a couple people are camping, but I don't see them. Thank God. You smell them, though, he said. Yeah. They were burning something. It wasn't wood.

They're like turtle shells. Getting rid of evidence. We were at the grocery store getting stuff for mutiny and stuff for home, soda water. Any buns? For your birthday? No. No, but my indulgence, I knew we'd eat something good. An entire sheetcake?

No, I got a shrimp cocktail platter. It was a pound. It was a pound. It could have gotten probably, I don't know if it was like four pounds. It was a big. It was big. Yeah. I see,

that's why I thought you meant it first. No, I clocked it. That's like the funeral special. Yeah. Yeah, that's the wake. Yeah. It must have been three or four

because I got one pound. And Megan doesn't like fish, seafood at all. Beanie. But she loves to watch. I like to watch a man work. Now she wanted nothing to do with it. Get the bigger one.

It's not. You had to eat him in the car. car. No, I ate them. I was worried that maybe it would be too much and I was going to be sick. A pound of shrimp? Yeah, it was going to be sick. A pound of cold shrimp from inland Colorado?

Never felt better. Good, man. I mean, you got to live. Yeah, it was funny. It's a fun birthday meal. Also, I told Kim and she was like, I did the same thing. She got shrimp, cocktail shrimp for her birthday. She probably had nice sushi dinner, but like as just like a funny, like I wouldn't.

She didn't eat them in the bathroom. with the lights off like you did. She was taking the tails off. She's peeling them. Like a princess. I didn't think of it. I don't know. She might have done the same as me.

I didn't think about them and then get them. I saw them at the store and was like, oh, fuck yeah. Yeah. So, but yeah, it was funny that she also did, though. That's insane.

Did you guys grow up, like, valuing shrimp cocktail a lot? Was it like a special treat? No, but like birthday. Jason always got him for his birthday. Yeah. They were in season. in the fall.

We were summer kids. We had to have hamburgers and hot. Molisks. No, we, some of our birthday lunch or like meals that our grandparents would take us to, it was mostly old country buffet. Of course, me too.

But we often, a couple times we would do, I guess, red lobster or Long John's Silver's because I was a big fan of fried shrimp. Huh. More than shrimp cocktail. Now, correct me if I'm wrong.

Long John's was more of a, like a drive-thru. It was a taco bell type thing, right? Yeah, yeah. It was not nice at all. Red lobster wasn't even really nice. Red lobster was pretty nice in 1999. Like, that was a sick place to go for your birthday.

It was like Olive Garden was like, my birthday, I want to go to Olive Garden. You didn't know it was trash. You were still just an idiot. But I feel like Old Country Buffet won out as we got, once we got a little bit older to where it was like, man, like all this different stuff is better than like. And everybody go with the fuck they want. Yeah, yeah. We didn't have to worry about... Someone's always getting spaghetti.

Somebody bitching. Someone's always getting fucking spaghetti, like noodles with butter and cheese. And then like some jello cubes. Oh, yeah. Like, who's touching you? Who did this? The old lady that would put a pile of cottage cheese on top of it.

Classic. Just caked with cottage cheese. Except she wasn't wrong. It's good with fruit. It's good with beets. It's not good on, like, a plate of, like, ravioli and mushrooms. Yeah, at a buffet.

You got a buffet. you got to leave the cut of cheese for another time. You get a bowl. Get your own bowl. Yeah. Do a little palac cleanse. A little fruit. Like, yeah.

But people would do the madness thing where it'd be like on top of the fried chicken. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's on your lasagna. That's too bad. I learned early from my grandfather not to get soup or lasagna from country buffet because it's all scrapings. Yeah.

Grandpa said you don't want that. He called it Mulligan stew, which was a hobo meal. He used to eat. It's mulligan stew. You don't want it. wisdom from Ova. Whatever golfer got drunk enough to pass out in the woods. Yeah.

My grandpa would eat them. Conch him over there. Yeah. Start with the shoes. Yeah, my grandpa, the murderous drifter. The hobo killer of the rails. He had a stick with a bunch of, yeah. He was a founding member of the Flaming Nights.

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Tell them Chubby B sent you. He had a gun. He brought his gun over one time. It was like an old six shooter because like someone came on our property and like drove around our driveway and then left. And I'm sure it was like some guy from the county or like an electricity dude.

like surveying for a downed wire. Yeah. But I called my grandpa and I was like, some truck just like drove around and then my grandpa showed up like really old. And he was like, everything all right? And I was like, yeah. He's like, all right. I got to go pick up your grandma.

And he left. And he had a fucking gun like in his belt like on his back. Like an old cowboy. Yeah. And I was like, grandpa, you have a gun? And he said, yeah, no one's going to hurt you, honey. And then left. It's like my grandpa was Clint Eastwood for like 30 years.

seconds. Fuck, yeah. That rules. It would have been sick if someone was molesting me when my grandpa came in and fucking painted their brains all over the living room. That would have been nuts. I don't know if you'd want that. I'm getting boo yod and grandpa comes in and has Korea flashbacks?

It would have made it a better memory. Oh, my God. Yeah. I don't think you'd remember it at all. Oh, yeah. It's all I would remember. That would be crazy. Time would have stopped.

Some guys just like looming over me. rock hard and then like his head pops that'd be crazy I guess I couldn't see it unless there's a mirror situation like in the double bunning but yeah he's trying to bun me and then grandpa comes in and it's like say hello to the devil why don't you make my gun come when he starts crying

and I have to like hold him because he just killed a man like grandpa's okay I never again I promise ever again Fuck. That'd be awesome. I don't know. I don't know. I mean.

It'd be a lot for a little boy. A boy called honey. Yeah. Called me honey boy. He says nobody will ever hurt you, honey. Yeah. And he leaves and you go, I'm a boy. Yeah.

I hang myself. I'm a boy, damn it. You guys didn't, old guys didn't call everyone honey? No. I got called Ace. my grandpa Yeah, it was like a bud. It was like a buddy or like, you know.

Sure. I don't know. Joe Jack does it on King of the Hill too, which I like. He calls everyone Honey. Yeah. Yeah. That's my grandpa did.

I like it. I feel like it was probably a tough guy thing that was taken by like the funny character gadabout in the city. Maybe. In the salons. Yeah. Oh, honey.

From the ranch. I call women honey all the time. I love. talking to women like an old gay man. I love it. I love talking to Emily's friends. Like they'll give me bad news and I'm like oh honey let me make you some tea like I fucking love being an old gay man. That's funny. It's awesome. I would imagine it's natural. So natural. Did you make it a thing? No like I've always like I'm wearing linen pants unironically like I'm my mom I want to fucking sit in a comfortable

chair reading a book with a cool buzz you know like I'm my mummy and that extends to the way that I want to interact with women. Oh my God, come sit down. You've always liked calling servers ma'am and just having a bit of, I don't know, having fun with it. I love women. I love talking to women. And when there's no looming threat of me, like, you know, laying on top of them.

You couldn't do that when you were a wild-eyed, smelly beast. Because I was trying to bang them. When they know you're not trying to bang them, then you're just one of the boys. It's awesome. Well, now if you were trying to bang them, they also wouldn't be as offended. What do you mean? Well, I think it would bum a lot of people out

if I tried to bang them. Yeah, but I think it would have bummed more people out if the beast was going to bang them. Oh, no, they loved it. They loved it. They loved rolling around in the pig pen. They loved going down to the hog farm. I think they like your nice, sensible linen pants.

Well, I mean, yeah, I have a lot to offer now, but back then they were like, whoa, what's this? The wild side? What's that smell? Yeah. A young wild and free. Yeah, it's like, okay, I'm going to piss off not just my dad, but my grandpa, my uncles, my pastor. Get them all.

I'm going to lay down with chubby Christ, which I had them call me. I had that full beard. I had fucking crazy hair. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was very Christ's like shoeless. I would shave the mustache. I would shave the mustache. I couldn't grow one.

It wasn't shaving. And I just had this ring of fur around the head, like, a lion. And I'd say, can I take a shower first? You probably want me to take a shower. hour first. And half the time you come out, they're asleep. Or they're pretending to be asleep. I'm headed to the shore. Yeah, all right. They're calling it. I'm going to go hose off.

I actually don't live here. Yeah, we have to go. We both have to leave. When they saw my undies, how tattered and streaked they were. You'd be like, well, that's cool. There's a spot in the park that's pretty private. Oh, I made a couple moves in the park. Which park? Curtis Mastizo

during the mouthhouse days. Yeah, it was right there. And then, wash park's the one up by Alameda right? Yeah, wash park, yeah, wash park. It's huge. Wash park was easy. Go up there, hang out by the fucking ducks.

It's a big part. Slip a hand. Ooh. Feed me some bread. Yeah, man. Park tugging. Those were the days. Ever cheese, man?

No, only with chicks. I think that I never laid with Emily outdoors in our courtship. tried a trist in the woods once during Wancho week and we immediately got bitten by bugs and went back to the car we like pulled over in the woods somewhere

in Michigan and we were young and horny and I was like I gotta have that cookie give me that honey or I'd been like pestering her for roadhead something terrible she was like let's get out of the car and then we like ran into the woods and then we just were eaten alive by bugs and that's how I got Alma Gorda

or whatever that guy's girlfriend has dude that is coming that's coming out of no what is it? It's a Alfar. Alpharn. Alfarm. It's something. Alfarb.

Yeah. Elfar. Echolalia. It looks like the Alfa door cookie or whatever, but. Emily's yelling at the radio right now. Yeah. We're on the radio. Yeah.

98.7. The buzz. It's a scary snake. That's tantor. Yeah. You have it? No. Oh, you want it.

You're a bug chaser. You're a tick taster. I couldn't eat fucking meat ever again. And like meat products. Yeah. It's a lot more intense than I realized. You'd be down the stairs. Yeah, it's like any of the proteins that come from me.

Yeah. It sounded like a lot. I made a funny joke in the moment. It sounded like a no thanks kind of a thing. Pass. Smash or pass. All our fan or whatever. Is it our fan?

No, Marfan is like big head or something. That's what Robert Wadlow had, the world's biggest man. No, he said, yeah, and you know, she can't have like meat or animal products or like any mammalian protein and you approached and he said well i actually and i said don't ask him if that includes cum yeah no it was uh i've heard a few people i've been talking about it and i didn't hear anything about it until recently so i don't know if it's brand new or it's been around for a while but the cases are all tick-borne illnesses are like crazy this year yeah because they're all coming

out of the lab. Yeah. Limes worse. Lemons, avoid that. There's another one that's like gone up a bunch and then that one's like really, really. I don't know if it's the highest year, but I think it's like in the top three highest years they've ever had. And that's from tick tabulator.org. I was avoiding ticks all week because I was in the stewed.

It's in the studio, the stud chamber. Oh, yeah. I was the tomato and I was stewed, man. Yeah. It must have been so funny to have to go somewhere Monday through Friday for seven hours a day. Emily was on my ass. I came home the first day. Yeah, drive downtown literally to like Woodward Ave.

You know, hang my hat on the rack. Sign in at the desk. Go down, you know, shake hands with science. You're like pissed because it feels like a job. But it's my dream coming true. Right. You're just confused. But there's not a bunch of people like I say something and then they're not all like.

laughing and clapping. So I'm like, this sucks. What the fuck? Yeah. No, I literally had a job. I had a day job from 11 to 6 every day. No lunches. And what was Emily reminding you about it?

Well, I came home the first day and I was like, I want vocal rest. Like, I'm exhausted. Like, I can't talk. And like, my eyes hurt. And I need to go lay down. And I need to like smoke a joint. And she was like, oh, Sammy had a job for a day. And he's wrecked.

He's ruined because he had to go to work and record. his audio book on the behest of Random House. Yeah. Oh, yeah. All right. Go lay down, big guy. What do you mean, no lunch? You just, did you take breaks when you needed them?

Yeah, we would like take breaks and then the guy Sean. So here's how it worked. Like you had, it was a recording booth, Detroit Recording Studios. And you had a guy in the booth. My man, Science. He was on the ones and twos. And then I'm in the other room with a laptop and a microphone. And I'm wearing cans, as we call them.

and in my ear is science and then also Sean is remote via Zoom monitoring the whole situation because he's the director of the audio book so like I would say a word incorrectly and he'd say that was great but it's actually minute

and I'd be like all right right you know instead of minute or whatever because you're reading it you're not like reading ahead you're like saying it's fucking weird combination of skills but I was good at it after the first day I lacked zero

I had zero confidence going in. I told science, man, look. You're more of a math guy. I said, I know literature, all right, and I know geography. I'm pretty good at spelling. Yeah. Give me a word. Not minute.

But, yeah, so I was wrecked, of course. I can't imagine. So we would get, so Sean would be on the thing and he'd be like, hey, real quick, guys, like, because he was doing it from home. He'd be like, my wife just came home. I got to, like, go do something. How about we get back here in 20? and me and science would like flee the building. Yeah.

The second day I got a smoothie. I was like, I'll get a smoothie. That's good for my voice. My vocal cords were just cold and wet and like covered in banana milk. But I also, and this is the part that really like just reminds me how grateful I am for the life that I've created is like I couldn't use Zins all day because I'm talking. So Zins are out. He would be like, hey man, we'll be back.

How about back in four minutes? And I'd be like cram two in, you know, sucking on them. chewing on him like Dayton Beset. Yeah. And then also I couldn't smoke weed or use weed pens because of cotton mouth, dry mouth, you know, that sound. And then also no coffee because it's bad for your vocal cords. And also no garden. So no sunlight.

No coffee. No nick. No garden. No weed. Potential allergens? No, just I was inside. I'm usually outside like all day this summer. I've just been fucking putzing around, reading, going to the lake.

like being a real, you know, Huck Finn type. Stealing pies. Yeah, wearing overalls, you know. I have a pot on my head, but it's a hat. Chewing on wheat. Yeah, shoeless. Sang it a lot on a raft. No.

No. So, yes, we, I was just indoors, and I couldn't use any of my copes or my quick fixes for moments of peace. And I was just in there getting fucking micro-corrected over and over again, which you guys know I. I love. I love someone saying, oh yeah, it sounded like you didn't say,

you meant to say condescension. It was condescending. And I'm like, all right. Awesome. Thanks, Sean, from the top. And then I'm doing it in voices. So like, so that's insane. Having to read a thing,

but you're doing it in this voice for uncle, the protagonist's strange aid. And then I have to do Gianna, who's an Italian woman. How many authors are reading? None. Doing their own audience. Very few.

Very few people read their own literary fiction works. Because there's so many pros that are really good at it. I know. But I will say this. I haven't listened to many audiobooks. I've only listened to David Sedaris. Oh, yeah. So I read it all like Sedaris.

Straight up. It's Sedaris reading a crime thriller. Some of it, I think, can get too cute, like too much. Yeah. Professional or like just, I don't know, if you're real dialy. To theater. Yeah, it's like a whole other thing. Because I don't have a bunch of crazy different voices reading these lines in my head.

You have to do it like, the way that I did it at least was like, you'd be like, you know, Gianna would be like, but wrong. I would have to say, okay to lock in. Okay. I, but, but Robert, I need you to be there by noon. And then you read the book like this. Yeah, flat. And you just say it like this. But maybe you go here too.

Every now and then you get a little bit faster, but yet you pull back. So it's like you're trying not to do Terry Gross, but you're also like you have to not. I want it to be a little neutral. 100% neutral. You're having a conversation with. the reader is what the YouTube video I watched on the way to the recording said. While driving. Yes, while driving.

And, like, itching myself because I didn't have any fucking coffee. Yeah. That's all, yeah, that is a, it's like you're stripped nude and shoved into a weird room. No, usually I'm stripped into a weird room. This was going to a job and a workplace. That's usually my mornings, yeah.

But, I mean, you were, like, laid bare because you didn't have any of your normal shit. Nothing, nothing. I'm, like, listening the two people who are very good at their jobs and I'm feeling an inferiority complex so I have a chip on my shoulder but I'm also being funny and like communicating and doing that thing where it's like look you guys are experts

I'm in great capable hands like I trust you completely and then Sean would be like all right why don't you pull back a little bit and I'd be like why don't I pull your fucking teeth when I pull out put the mute button when I pull out on your back

Sean after I fucking bun boo ya you yeah But Sean said something very nice Because I said, hey man, I don't know Like what I'm doing and he's like And I know that And I'd be a lot more nervous

If you weren't a stand up comedian And I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, you guys are the foot soldiers Like you guys will do the work You're used to being humiliated In front of crowds Like you are really high like What did you say?

You have a really high barrier for pain And I was like, yeah, I do And he's like, so we're gonna be okay man Just like take your time And that made me feel like pretty solid. Yeah. That was a nice thing to say.

But yeah, that is a lot of... Because, like, I get annoyed for a commercial when you get a little feedback, but it's over quick. The being... Going over every word is so daunting to me. Imagine getting feedback from a person who's in your ear, and you're reading your lines for that commercial, but a third of the lines are in French or Italian. Right. Right.

Not a third, but there's some passages in French and Italian in there. There's a lot of both that adds up, I would imagine, especially the second half. Yeah, and look, one sentence of Italian is fucking impossible. But you have to do it in character as two people having a conversation, three people were having conversation a lot going in and out of French and Italian and a little bit of Dutch. So you have some guy in your fucking ear being like, it's actually Gemmappel Apple. And then you're like, all right, thank you. Gemmappel Apple.

Sorry, it's Gemapel Apple. Oh, I got you. Gemapel Apple. Sorry, sorry. Close, so close. You're right there. You got to just, it's Gemmappel Apple. Okay.

You got Clem-Fandangoed. Jamapel Apple. Okay, you know what? I don't know. I think you almost got it, but if you can just round the jam a little more. Round. What does that mean? Kind of like gem?

Oh, like jam? No, like gem. It was that. Yeah. And so that's going on over and over again. With no weed and no coffee. And my fucking fingernails are chipping off on the keyboard. And then every now and then, because like science could see me through the window.

So every now and then he'd be giving me the eighth correction in a row. And I'd be like, hey, Sean, you're just doing your job. And then to science go like this. Or I did the gun to the dick a couple times. Yeah, that was good. But science was great. And Sean was great. And I think that book, I don't at all feel like I did a bad job.

I think that someone could have done a better job for sure, but I don't think that, look, it's a lot better than running the light. How about that? What many call the worst audio book ever. Makes sense that you would want to have control over it after last time. The fun, the novelty, I think, is cool that you did that. They asked me. No, no, no, I mean, for the first one, for running the light.

That novelty made sense, whatever. It was a, it was, I haven't listened. I probably will. You haven't read it. I read it. I'm interested in hearing. You finished Brute finally. Yeah, I did.

I finished Brut. And, yeah, I'm glad that you didn't try to do something else outside of, like, the regular move. I'm glad none of the chapters will sound like they were read in a bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. Mindy Kaling. You got Mindy? That's who read the final chapter.

Whoa. Everyone always asked who it was. Mindy Kaling If you listen You'll know Who did it in their bathroom Yeah Sounds like they're pooping the whole time

They're shitting and pissing It's fucking crazy Running the light Running the light He's running the light Yeah Running the lie He's running the light

Why bet we're running the light Where are we here? We love them We should Say goodbye I suppose Good night Guys

Good night Pre-order Brute Yeah Don't fail to do that pre-order the audio book. That's great. Get it from anywhere. And let's run those numbers up because Mr. Beast, who's my direct competition, is doing a million-dollar giveaway to people who pre-order his book.

Book buddy. Yeah, he's my book friend. So you can either get my book, which is good, or you can get Mr. Beast's book and maybe win a million dollars. So that's the option on the table. All right? Jesus Christ. So, you know, do the right thing. Jimmy's fine. His girlfriend, now wife, seems normal and happy and not at all detained.