Chubby Behemoth - Italian Pokemon

Episode Date: January 18, 2022

Ashy Dustin. Hog Heaven. Beef Tallow. Patrick Richardson.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Yo, you fly. Left and right. Yeah. Oh, God. It's so much better when Lund's not here. Yeah, dude. I still like my life. Yeah.

Yeah, no one's telling you you're stupid and ugly. Yeah. Yeah. No, you are. I don't do that. I'm always championing you in the group chat. You call me fat, ugly. No.

I say Noah's gross. Then I say Lund makes me want to puke into a toilet and call it poop. Yeah. Well, your poop does look like puke. It looks pre-chewed. Here's the thing. Since I've gone back on keto, I've been eating a lot of fiber pills. But also, it's staying real wet.

Oh, is that a bad sign? So it looks like paper mache. So it's like firmed up from the pills, but it's roost up from the keto? Yeah, it's like a really, really healthy newborn's poop. What color is it? That's none of your business. Oh. I said it was like paper mache.

It's like one of those colors that you have to have like good eyes to see. You have to be an interior decorator. You have to be a property brother. Which I tried to do this joke on stage forever, but you know the property brothers weren't black? Never. Property brothers.

It's funny when Mel, my brother-in-law is always like, yeah, my brothers are coming over. And I was like, now are these blood relations? Or just really good friends? We're coming to you live today from... Oh, god damn it. An undisclosed location, somewhere in Park Hill, how about that? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, I didn't say who you were, so I don't know who lives here. Now I can't say who I am. Yeah. Voice changed my voice. Yeah, let's call you Dusty.

Dusty. You can go with a Dusty. I'm a little Dusty, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I have a little dust on me. You've seen those elbows? Yeah. Yeah.

You're the only ashy white guy. Ashy Dusty. A little dust on me. You've seen those elbows? Yeah. Yeah. You're the only ashy white guy. Ashy Dusty. AD. AD? Yeah, all day, Dusty. Dusty? No, of course we're joined here, and we'll have Becker edit that out if you remember. I think it's kind of funny.

I don't know. Do you think I'd get murdered for that or anything bad would happen? Man, it's not going that well. I don't think so either. I think there's a couple people who listen to the pod who are like, oh cool, Patrick's here. But not enough to get a train ticket from Fresno and come out here and put you in the dirt.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't think I have any enemies of that caliber. No. I mean, who's your biggest enemy? This kid that from Gre... I don't have a big enemy. Just this one kid that i always hated yeah um went to high school with them or something went to the opposing highest you went i went to

west you went to central that's how you know you're from a shithole when what directional high school denver has that yeah but they also have like you know cool high school names the angels cool no no that's east that's the mascot yeah i'm talking about uh like uh mountain dew presents uh mullen high school that's cool that's cool yeah uh what other ones are there there's uh there's the dreamcast uh high school they'll have those little dreamcast memory cards yeah there's uh the tamagotchi prep academy that's cool yeah that's cool because if you the teacher forgets to feed you they lose points so you're the tamagotchi i'm always the tamagotchi you're the teacher tamagotchi you're the tamagotchi teacher patrick no one's ever accused me of not being the Tamagotchi. That's true.

Are you hungry? Of course. I'm always hungry. No, me and Kanane just crammed food. I dropped him off in Boulder before I came down here to your house. Well, we're about to eat again. Yeah, but that's okay. It's not anyone's business. Where'd you guys eat? I went to a steakhouse. You're gonna go to

two steakhouses? Maybe. Where'd you go? I might not go to dinner with you guys. I might not go to Losers Present. You just, you're gonna go to two steak houses maybe where'd you go i might not go to dinner with you guys i might not go to losers present you just you're like yeah max is gonna go instead of me yeah i put beasley in there oh ripple yeah i fly beasley in beasley this is your shot kid he listens uh hey max hey max now pat you've had a rough 48 hours yeah i got fired yesterday and you called your shot too yeah i knew it you were like babe ruth yeah i called my shot on getting fired uh i was out late last the two nights ago yeah you were trying to uh maybe bang a very close family friend of mine no yeah yeah you said what's up

with x and i was like yeah dmx i was asking you like what's this and you're like he's dead yeah he's not okay and he's related to me somehow he got well yeah he got ripped apart by dogs right yeah didn't the get him? No, he actually went to one of Noah's comedy shows and killed himself. He saw Noah on stage like, hey, are you DM X, X to C? Hey, Stacy's mom. Mommy, come on in here. Sorry, Mr. X, I'm a big fan. Yeah.

Noah doing stand-up is as close as I can get to, like, RC Cola presents A Panic Attack featuring Noah Reynolds. Yeah, high school. Yeah. That's the name of one of the high schools, too. Remember that video of Noah being fat in high school? God, no, I don't know if I've seen that. What?

I've seen that fat soccer picture of him. You didn't see the video of him asking people about social justice? that you sent me well someone sent it to you yes someone sent it to me someone who trusted you not to out them as a source yeah yes um i didn't blow the whistle on them they're still anonymous that's good it wasn't you for not gendering them either. That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. Who's Donovan? No one's going to know who that is. No one gets any of this. It's just two cherubic chubby funsters having fun. You're sitting on the ground.

I'm sitting on the floor. Very like Spartan situation. Yeah. Well, I'm half Japanese. Yes. I am a weeb. The bottom half. Yeah. Did you notice that I'm...

Hey, come on come on yeah the bottom half you're right i am very nimble yeah you're wearing forked socks yeah oh those are so bad you're crouching while smoking yeah and i'm pooping too not wiping they gotta wipe right why why do you think they don't wipe because i've always heard that like in parts of asia but specifically rural china they don't have toilet paper in the bathrooms oh well people are just like going in there konnichiwa and then walking around with mud in their shorts that's miserable there's too much pudding in the pants that would i would you just have itchy ass all the time i hate not wiping wiping. Dude, I'm a bidet man.

Really? Are you not a bidet guy? No, no. Uh-uh. Changed my ass life. My ass has never been better. Yeah, but are you afraid that's going to make you want the love of a man? I mean, no.

I think that'd be cool if it turned me gay, actually. I didn't say that. Yeah, you hate gays. I do not! You're afraid of becoming gay. No, no. Yeah.. I do not. You're afraid to becoming gay. No, no. Yeah. I just don't want anyone to whisper to my ghost.

What does that mean? I don't want anyone to crawl inside my robot body and whisper to my ghost. I'm a weeb. You're a weeb. You didn't know this? Yeah. Yeah, I love Princess Minoki. Yeah, you said it wrong earlier.

I like Princess Miyagi. it wrong earlier i like princess uh miyagi i mean i saw it once i was with a girl and she was like i love this movie and i was like yeah it's transcendent it is fucking long let's dump them out huh come on nothing gets me hornier than uh tree spirits oh yeah ants that's from that's different i thought it was all the same No, those little guys that go like this And Princess Mononoke Who cares, shut up This is all you, you're the expert

You brought it up Well yeah, because earlier you were like Man, it's cool to be a weeb And I was like, what? And you were like, nothing? Yeah, you're right, I love basketball I got here, you played NBA 2K I bowed at you.

You did, yes. You said take your shoes off. Yep, you gave me a throwing star and a piece of fish on a stick. Yep. And you said breakfast. I said breakfast, and then I mixed an egg and some rice and gave it to you. Yeah, which is real good. So good.

The sesame oil. Okay, yes. Yeah. I could eat that for breakfast every day. I could too, if there wasn't the embargo. If I didn't insult the chancellor. If the prime minister of Japan wasn't so mad at me. Whoa, what'd you do?

I went over there and I spanked his daughter. Whoa. I was like, you're chewing gum in public? No, no. Damn. I pulled her pants down and I spanked her little ass. It was an international incident. You remember?

I didn't see that. Yeah, they caned me. They cane in Japan? Yeah, I had to eat a. Yeah, they caned me. They cane in Japan? Yeah, I had to eat a hundred Raising Cane's chicken tenders. Yum. Yeah, I was like,

okay, who else can I spank? Who else has been a naughty little monster? You call them all Nintendos? No. No, dude. The N-word? You call them the N-word?

In Nagasaki. God, one needs to get here quick or we're going to go down a dark path. No, no. See, this is the kind of, we're playing with fire. Yeah. When Lon gets here, he'll be like, hello, these are my pronouns. He'll come in and be like, first of all, I want to honor the soil. We are on Cherokee land.

We have to recognize that. I looked up the names of the people that were probably around. Yeah. Nintendo One. Nintendo Junior. Super Nintendo. Dreamcast.

That sounds like it could be a Native American name. It sounds like one of the fucking SoundCloud rappers you would put on. Oh, yeah. Like, oh, Dreamcast is plugging away. Yeah, baby Dreamcast. Yeah. Living life young.

He really vibes ultra. No. No, that's not one. No? No. Where'd you hear that? He'd say, he's got the heavy spirit. That's, no.

No? No, never said that one. I'm trying to crack into the... You're trying to invent them on the spot. No, I'm trying to... You gotta steal them from black youths. I don't do that. They steal from me, typically. Your swag.

You might want to push when we start over. No. We barely have anything right now. Yeah, but I got here and you just, like, opened your door and said, G'day, mate. We in here vibing, squad. Yeah.

Yeah, you said, pusha. And I was like, what's that mean? And you were like, sit down. And then you just played NBA 2K, and it's the story mode. It's creative player mode. And all the real heads know that's the only way to 2K anymore. I's the story mode. It's creative player mode. And all the real heads know, that's the only way to hit 2K anymore. I love it. Yeah. Because you can go

online and you can check out all the other creative players' outfits. You didn't tell me this. Never got this. It's a robust game mode. There's lots going on. It's quite the ecosystem. Yeah. Your guy's name is Clifton Different. Yep. On fake Twitter, within the game, his handle is atclifdiff.

Follow him there. That's in the game? There's a fake Twitter? I don't think you can actually follow it. But if you do a good play, if you, like, dunk over, like, Damian Lillard or something, like, it'll show the crowd. Yeah. And someone will have a tweet up that's like, damn, Damian Lillard can't stop Cliff Diff.

Nice. You started to do the voice? You caught yourself. He was actually right there. Yeah. Uh-oh. Damn. Hog heaven.

This feller can joke. Oh, hell no. This guy's going at it. That's a good misdirection. Yeah, that's good. Much like your pick and roll. Yeah. Yeah, Sam was making fun of me because I just run the pick and roll over and over again.

Yeah, you call Jokic or Aaron Gordon to the top. They grab their balls and stand to one side of your defender. And then you either drive off of them because you're fast or you pass to them. Yeah, it's awesome. and Gordon to the top. They grab their balls and stand to one side of your defender, and then you either drive off of them because you're fast, or you pass to them. Yeah, it's awesome. Very boring game. Well, I mean, the fucking Blazers are bad at defending the pick and roll, so I would just explore it.

Yeah, I like how your example of, like, a dominant post defender was Dame Lillard. If you can dunk over Lillard, man, you go on fucking, they put you on LinkedIn in the game. Clifton Difference only 6'3", dude. He you can dunk over Lillard, man, you go on fucking... They put you on LinkedIn in the game. Clifton Difference only 6'3", dude. He can't dunk over everybody. Only 6'3". There's a bunch of fucking losers listening right now who are like,

I would kill to be 6'3". They're sitting on a phone book driving their dad's car. They have a mechanism to reach the tires. What are those called? Pedals. Pedals. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you did say reach the tires. Brother, I'm doing reach the tires. What are those called? Pedals. Pedals. Oh, yeah, you did say reach the tires. Brother, I'm doing all the work.

No, you're not. Yeah, you're sitting here like a Zen Buddhist thinking about when you can play 2K again. I kind of am. Yeah, I know. You're like, God, I wonder if Clifton will drive to the left or the right next time. I've been trying to do a stand-up joke

about how I'm in love with him. Like, I have a sexual relationship with him. Sure. And I only upgrade his reb a sexual relationship with him. Sure. And I, like, only upgrade his rebounding because it makes his ass bigger. Ooh. It's kind of funny. And also, you're on the rebound right now. Yes. Because you just broke up with your girlfriend. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. Do you want to talk about how I sent you a screenshot of my bank account that said negative $700 to? And my address? You just want to air out all my dirty laundry. And what did I say? Please don't kill yourself. Yeah, and then you were like, no,

me and Lund don't want to sleep in your bed. Yeah. Yeah, you were like, oh yeah, come over. You can't stay at Noah's fucking mansion in the sky. So why don't you guys come stay over here at my house, which I assumed was going to smell like a ferret cage. I thought we were going to walk into the back room at a PetSmart and there's going to be bird feathers all over, but it's actually clean in here.

It's not bad. Mia Culpa. Yeah, thank you. You're welcome. And then you were like, yeah, yeah, don't worry. You guys can sleep in my bed and I'll sleep on the couch. Now, I know your sheets are crusty. I was going to change them for you guys.

From who? You're going to steal them off Noel's bed? I have extra sheets. You have extra sheets. I'm 31's bed? I have extra sheets. You have extra sheets. I'm 31 years old. I have extra sheets. Yeah, but I have a hard time because like when I was, you know. My age?

Well, no. Ten years ago when you were my age, I'm 31 years old. That's Lund. Lund is funny. I'm 34. Yeah. I'm like you. No, you're not 34.

You're like 39 or something. I'm 34. Jesus. Where were you born? okay checks out you don't know you didn't do that math that quick yeah i did i have good math brain yeah because you're born in 90 yeah same year as my sister i was barely she's a fucking loser just like you oh hell yeah millennials i'm a millennial too yeah barely no that's not true i think you're it's like i don't know i'm firmly ensconced

in the subculture yeah but you said you could sleep in my bed and i was like yeah that's what i want to do now that i'm rich share another fat guy's bed with a bigger fatter guy and then you said yeah don't worry about it because i'll be swinging in the closet yeah it's pretty good do you think suicide's so funny sometimes because you're like an edgelord, like bad boy. Yeah, you're like, I listen to Suicide Boys and I pull my eyelids down in photos. The floor of my car is filled with empty

pill bottles. So do you like Suicide Boys? No. I've heard of them. Yeah. I've listened to their music. I've seen their music videos. They're very prolific. They're fucking on like, they announced Bonnaroo recently and it's like Billie Eilish is the big name. And then they were on the very next line.

Yeah. They're the second biggest text. They suck. They like, I hate pill popping rap shit. It's like, well, sometimes it's cool. If it's a black guy, it's cool actually. Okay. But these are white guys.

Yeah. Well, you don't know that. They're from New Orleans. They're pretty white. But they have a whole, there's a whole creole gumbo of blood down there i don't i think they're kind of they're white they're they're not my i don't know something about are they still doing drugs i hope not i feel like i hope they die you hope they pass no i'd said that but i don't want anyone to die. It's too late, man. See, this is you. You're edgy. You know, you're on 4K posting child porn. No.

You know, an edgelord. No. You know? Just like trading photos of your niece for other hot kids. That's what edgelord means, right? That could be a definition of it. Yeah. Because they're edging to child porn?

It's an edge uncle. It's an edging uncle. I'm almost there. Shh. Shh. Talking to your dick. Shh. Whispering to your dick.

Chill out. Come on. Um, I thought this was kind of funny. You've seen Special Victims Unit? Yeah. What about a guy who thinks it's just special people being victimized? You know, like a developmentally disabled people who are just like someone stealing their crayons or their cupcake. Right.

You know, telling them that Santa isn't real. Like being victimized. Yeah. That's pretty good. Like someone walks in on them crying at the beginning of every episode or something. It's like, what's the matter? They're like, Sonic has shoes in the movie. Punch in the wall yeah are you familiar with chris chan do you know who chris chan is i am familiar with chris chan but i haven't watched the what 40 hours

of youtube documentaries on him have you seen the video of him fucking that sex doll no yeah oh you see the pain in my eyes? Ugh, you saw it? Yeah. I went down a, I did a Chris Chan deep dive. I think it's, I don't think he fucked the sex doll. I think that she did. Right? Well, this was before she transitioned.

Okay. Didn't she also fuck her mom? Uh, yeah, like raped her mom. Oh! That's, yeah. Bummer! Dude. Oh, that's, yeah. Bummer! Dude. Oh, that's a special victim.

That, no one has been blowing it online for longer. Chris Chan? Yeah. Yeah. Oh. His family was horrible,

too, though. Yeah, check out Chris Chan if you want. Shout out Chris Chan. I think they're in jail for murder? Yeah, raping their mom. Is that what it was?

Yeah. Oh, God. I don't know. I should look into it. No, be smart to Christian. It's okay. Yeah. Yeah, awful person, but not all there mentally and had terrible parents.

The most online person in the history of the internet. Very, very locked on. Yeah, that sucks, man. Maybe you could fill that void. I don't want to. I don't want could fill that void. I don't want to. I don't want to be that online. I don't want to be that public. You know, people that are like,

oh, they do day-to-day. They're day-to-day online. I can't do that. They don't want people like, you don't want people knowing where you live and stuff. Yeah, at 1198 Glencoe. No, don't say it. You already said it.

Becker already remixed it at the beginning of this. No, he's live. He's your Reggie Watts? I wish. Yeah, that would be badass. Yeah. No, your plan is to somehow poison Becker so you can have his job? Yeah, I'm going to hook him.

I'm going to get him back on that big H. And keep Elijah Wan. Yeah. You're going to have to keep Elijah Olajuwon fuck him to death. That's a good classic prank. Yeah, I'm going to have Olajuwon fuck Becker to death. And then I'm going to marry Hakeem Olajuwon

and then I'm going to be your new producer. Yeah, because of the Congo culture, that's what happens if you hire someone to fuck a man to death and then marry them. You're going to run their podcast. Imagine Hakeem honestly banging Becker. You know...

That would be nuts. You know he's got one. Oh, for sure. You know Becker's ultra tight. Oh, yeah. He's got a tiny little hole down there. Yeah, he's like an envelope. You have to blow into it.

Yeah, get it warmed up. Oh, man. That would be awful. He's got to lube up for that. Hakeem doesn't lube up. Oh, man. That would be awful. He's got to lube up for that. Akeem doesn't lube up. Fuck. Yeah. He uses beef tallow.

That doesn't lube you up, though. No, it absorbs in. It makes you drier. It makes you drier, yeah. Fuck. I'm all beef tallow. Also, I hurt my back and I'm playing to the pain. Damn.

So you're welcome. This is your flu game. Yeah, dude. I'm Totoro. What? Shut up. I'm a weeb. You do have the body of Totoro.

You walk like this. I haven't even seen that one. Well, it is kind of like a biopic for you and I. It's like a big bumbling guy who's always eating like tins of fish and then there's like a japanese kid being like you saved me like he's like no no exactly no we're his neighbor totoro i can't wait to bully him at his parents house later yeah he's like of you is sleeping on the couch.

And it's like, brother, you're sleeping outside. You're sleeping in the trunk of my car if you don't shape up. He should just fucking buy a car and sleep in the trunk of it. It'll teach him a lesson or two. Yeah, but he can't reach the tires. Yeah. What are they called? The pedals. Pedals, yeah.

He's a pedophile. Is that a character you're working on? Yeah, it's the guy who doesn't know what petals are called. That's cool. It's not bad, right? It's really good. And it's like he's on a bike and he's like, why are my tires not spinning? Does that work?

That would be spinning. Petals spin, right? Petal, flower, petal. Let's work through this. Petal to the metal. Oh, petal like flower petals. That's kind of good. You just said that. Yeah, I know. Pedal to the metal. Oh, pedal like flower petals. That's kind of good. You just said that.

Yeah, I know. I was agreeing with you. Like four seconds later? Yeah. Okay. All right. Flower petals. What was the guy again?

Bob Metals. Is that a comedian? That's an older... Yeah, he's nice. Bob Metals. Bob Metals. You see him? You got a cigarette?

I'll buy you 12 beers if I can have one cigarette. Please. Yeah. Also, Sam, you got a cigarette? I'll buy you 12 beers if I can have one cigarette. Please. Yeah. Also, can I wear your jacket? My wife smells my jacket when I get home. And it's actually, if I can only quit smoking, it might save my marriage. But not going to do it. I'm old.

One time Bob Metals, like, when I lived at Mouth House, he hit me up and he was like, Sam. And I was like, hello, Bob. And he's like, it's Bob Metals. Always assumed no one knew. And he was like, I got a whole pig. We ate some of it, my wife and I. A little ambitious.

Too much pig for two people. It's about 50 pounds of pig. Jesus. Can I come drop it off at your house? And I was like, of course. That's great. So I was gone. But I told my sister, I was like, this old guy's going to drop off a pig.

It'll feed us. Which is a scene from My Neighbor Totoro. It is, yeah. I was like, what's up? Oh shit, we're going to go to sleep. Speaking of Totoro. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

The door's locked and my foot's asleep. Oh crap, he's 31. Hey. Hey, it's Lund. Let's hear it for Lund everybody! Let's hear it for the boys! Hey, I gotta piss. We have a sound board. Yeah, I know. Oh, nice.

So anyway, Bob Meadows was like, yeah, he drops off this pig, and then my sister just let it sit outside all weekend, and it rotted. And no one got to eat any of the pig. Oh, your sister? Yeah. Damn. Keep up, Patrick. I don't know. I hit the vape pen too hard.

Yeah, I know. My foot's asleep. Lung's here. You got lost in Lung's eyes. Mm-hmm. And his gout. Yeah, don't talk to him about that. Oh, he's still...

God, that was the worst story I've told on the pod in a long time. The pig one? Yeah. No, it wasn't bad. I just was not paying attention. Yeah, I know. This is what it's like to be your friend. Did it have maggots in it?

That's how you're contributing? I'm asking questions about your story. Why don't you yes and? Yeah, there was maggots in it. There you go. Yeah! Yes! And then everyone was like, hey, I'm a maggot. Yes, and. Yeah, there was maggots in it. There you go. Yeah. Yes. And then everyone was like, hey, I'm a maggot.

And Slipknot was playing. Yeah. I felt the air rise up. You Slipknot? Were you ever a Slipknot? Of course. Hell yeah. They slip, they slide.

They knot, they knot. Knot me up. Balloon knot. I've been knotty. Fuck my eyes. Slipknot. Slipknot. Put them on. knock me up balloon knot I've been naughty fuck my ass slip knot slip knot put him on

we gotta get to the slip knot concert Kramer slip knots play and then it gets there and he's like where's Kramer and he looks on stage and he's the clown

and he's fucking it up yeah he's he's he's in the big drum that they're banging on You ruined the show Slipknot was supposed to

Feature for me Yo Jerry Whoa that's a pretty Not bad He's in Disturbed That's Michael Richard he's indisturbed that's michael richard i love new metal seinfeld yeah me too my favorite one was when um when jerry uh hold on we'll get there.

I just... You say that and then right away I'm like okay, we can do this. Here we go. New metal sign filled. Yeah, remember when... Oh hey, Lunt's here yeah Lunt

yeah oh he's doing a dance yeah that's good for the pod we just riffed a thing called New Metal Seinfeld yeah and Sam bailed out of it I nailed it right away we're like oh Lung's here.

Remember the metal song? Let me hear it. Well, I'm not going to recap the great riff we just had. They're going to see Slipknot. And he's like, where's Kramer? And then he looks on stage and Kramer's the clown. And he falls in the drum. Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were singing. Like, what's the deal with my life? What's the deal? my life? What's the deal? I push my fingers into... That's hard to sing. I wait and bleed. People equal shit. It's only Slipknot.

Yeah. Slip Newman. Hello, Slipknot. Hello, Clown No. 9. Hello, Mushroom Head. hello Slipknot hello clown number nine hello mushroom head hello Jordy's ghost did you guys have Jordy all over your feed

when he died no but we have very different algorithms I saw one of them like getting spun around in his drum set or something

he was sick I didn't even realize it because there's 12 of them they were like two drummers for a long time. Anyway, I had to pee for like two and a half hours, so I'm feeling real good. And saw two accidents. Didn't stop either

time. I felt bad, but I'm in flip-flops. What am I going to do? CPR? And also, it might be a shank pie operation. They might be setting you up to get fucking kidnapped. They might have been highwaymen. Yeah. Both accidents were, I almost said mild. They were, is that all?

They weren't super spicy is what I'm trying to say. But yeah, no, they didn't look too bad. No like blood and guts. So I was like, better you than me. Adios, muchacho. You know, and I kept moving. My slow crawl towards y'all. I did not want to drop the ball.

And that's all. Bye, y'all. When did you guys start? Let me know. No. Fill me in. We've been going for 28 minutes. Oh, that's too much.

Three of it's probably going to have to be edited. Out? Yeah. Sam came in hot saying my address immediately. So? Well, I don't know. Noah gets panties sent to him no he doesn't fresh cut grass his favorite smells get mailed

to him almost every day slice of pizza in a greasy envelope with bubble protection on the inside people come to his house and they throw white fish and bagels on the roof that's cute and his dad's like oi gotta go eat it

yeah waste not one nut that's not how he sounds waste not slip not yes yes that's old Jerry Seinfeld because he's also

Jewish Jewish oh you don't know what you can say anymore everything is everything yeah we're all the same thing.

What about when George thought he was going to see, he thought that he ordered a, like a unstructured biscuit, but instead he got Limp Bizkit tickets and he was pissed because he's really hungry. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. He thought he was getting day old cookies from a bakery right he shows up west borland has you know those contacts in that makes it look like

his whole eye is just black yeah and it's west borland was the shit it's actually kramer he was crazy right he was like pretty good at guitar but then the pageantry the outfits yeah and he's next to you know the turd with a red backwards hat on that is Freddie D. And in that episode, George is like, maybe I'll start doing that. And he starts wearing a red hat backwards. Oh, yes. He's bald. It's like, it's perfect. Yeah, and then

Kramer's having a Black Lives Matter rally at his apartment. Look, it's George. Fat guy, glasses, backwards hat. George wasn't that fat. No, but you know what's funny? He was 90s fat. I've watched a lot of episodes recently.

It's so funny how, like Jerry, good looking guy, following his passion, making decent money. Like, he dates pretty women. He does well. George Costanza, slob, annoying, loud, rigid. He dates the same type of beautiful woman, and it's like none of these women would have dated him. He didn't have any real good angle.

Up his own ass, can't shut up. Why do you think I'm moving to Brooklyn? So that you can get dumped into a river by a serial killer? That would be cool, too. It's too much energy. There's freaking, I'm going to be dating all of the Jerry Seinfeld women. Yeah, you're going to have Joanne Mitschke. So you can date her.

I don't know who that is. She was the one who didn't wear the bra, right? Yep, I'm going to date her. Remember that? Yeah, it's all you date. Bra-less thems. My roommate? Yeah.

Donovan. You want to be able to date one of your eight to twelve roommates. You like the comfort but separate rooms, right? Yeah, no. You're close but you don't have to spend the night in the same bed. I don't want to live with them in the same house. Alright, I thought that was your angle. Yeah, I thought you were trying to go for a communal sexual experience.

Oh, that sounds awful. A polyamorous spree, if you will. I'm not a damn hippie. What are you, Pat? Put a label on it. You know what you are? Cool. Yeah, you know what I am?

A weeb. Yeah, do you know what? Total queebus. No, no. We found out that Sam's body type is Totoro. Oh, yeah, I haven't watched that. Me either. But that's the monster.

Yeah, yeah. Take it in. Watch this. The Japanese load. Yeah. Sam T. Yeah, the man. Yokozuna and then me.

It must have been, he was Samoan, and then he has to be a Japanese guy? Yeah. Is that cool? Was he allowed to bow? Yeah. He couldn't bow? Samoan And then he has to be A Japanese guy Yeah Is that cool Was he allowed to bow Yeah Samoan's bow Without his back Snapping in half

I met him once I met him once And he was sitting down Yeah it was like It was probably like Six months before he died Whoa And he was

You killed him Smaller than I thought No Unless Well I mean Signing an autograph Could have been What stopped his heart

Finally was like I'm done. He had popped a clot in his wrist. I'm out of here. Yeah. Because you're like, can you make it out to me and my brother Jason? I was surprised because I thought he would be, like, way bigger and, like, taller, like, massive. And he was more kind of, like, small and then dense.

And he was sitting down, but I don't think he was very tall. And then he was, you know, pretty wide. Was he in a wheelchair at this point? No. he was very tall and then he was you know pretty wide was he in a wheelchair at this point no he was hanging out with uh what was his name

he's like a Vegas car dealer no like Buffalo Jim I can't think of his name he's like a local celebrity Buffalo Jim Arizona Charlie no no

but a similar kind of Buffalo Jim I think he had like the Pongstar guys no no this was before was it the Pong uh addiction a similar kind of Buffalo Jim. I think he had like the used car lot. The Pond Star guys? No, no. This was before the Pond addiction. What was his name?

Chewy? Chumlee. Chumlee went to my gym in Vegas. No, he didn't. Yeah, he did. He didn't look like he went to any gym.

Oh, he did. What if Chumlee He went to Slim Jim's. He ate them all. What if Chumlee wrote Running the Light and Sam stole it from him? He was riding it at the gym?

Yeah, riding it while he was riding an incumbent bicycle. Meanwhile, I'm doing laps in the pool. This is juicy. Whoa, Chumlee. How do you know this bleak look at a beautiful evil? He's like, oh, I'm Trumlight. Yeah, he's just a Pokemon. He can only say it.

That's what Sam does with his impressions. I'm Trumbull. He just does Pokemon stubs. Trumbull. I say it by your name. Dan Soder. I'm Dan Soder. What's that? It's pretty good.

His voice is even deeper somehow. It's more of a deeper octave. But I'm Dan Soder? His voice is even deeper somehow. Yeah, it's deeper. It's more of a deeper octave. But I'm Dan Soder. I went to Eagle Crest. My mom lives in Aurora. Soder. Soder.

This guy, when I opened for Canaan on Wednesday, came up to me in Canaan and he's like, I do a really good Dan Soder impression. And I was like, cool. Let's hear it. And then he was like, I'm Dan Soder. Hold on. Hey, everyone. It's Soder here.

And me and Kanaan were like, dude, beat it. Like, move it, bro. Yeah. Not even close. We were clearly riffing, having fun. And then you come up and say you got a great impression. And then hit us with a, hello, I am Dan Soder. Get.

Go on, get. It sucks being fucking friends with Kinane. Because everyone loves him? Yeah, they're always like hey Kyle, I just want to let you know when my son drowned in that vat of chili, you were all that got

us through. It's just all bar food disasters. Yeah. It's like when my daughter drove that go-kart into that vat of macaroni and cheese, look, all we listened to while she was rehabbing

was Death of the Party. So thank you. Yeah, people are wild, man. They love to reach out and be like, hey, man, I'm going to bring you down real quick. But it's going to lift you up a little bit. And it's like, no, it didn't. It's mostly just a bummer. Yeah.

Just appreciate from afar and never talk to me. That's what I would say if I had any fans. you don't want that's what i would say if i had any fans i felt dumb a few days ago because i was like man i'm like those musicians that just want to make music they don't really want all the other shit like that's what the podcast like i want it to do well but i don't want i don't need a bunch of feedback from people like saying they love it i want certain people to love it like other comics yeah smart people this is your pet sounds this is you lying in bed I'm gonna pod with my feet in sand

yeah you're gonna start wearing white is pet sounds a masterpiece? yeah I think so wrong podcast it's stupid it's great save it for the 500

it's really good I like that a lot yeah it's really good it's really good solid yeah I like them more than the Beatles yeah I'm fine with that that's my thing

that's cool yeah did you tell Pat how mean we were to him about him on the last episode no

we weren't mean we made fun of you some more no we did the voice we made fun of you for not having a job we said you were gonna go to brooklyn and suck it was pretty mean this is before i knew we were gonna record at your house yeah this is before i knew that we were gonna kill yourself before we knew that we would need something from you

we had to maintain this well what do you think I'm doing I'm just trying to ride your guys coattails what do you think I'm doing with Sam I'm coattailing it up there's no room wait I'm behind you you're coattailing him you're drifting you have to have a foot on each of the coattails

like a penguin tuxedo jacket it's split you're wide you're like stretching On each of the coattails. Okay. Like a penguin tuxedo jacket. The back, there's two. It's split. You're wide. You're like stretching. And I'm like holding onto your hair.

Right. And I'm on solid ground because I'm right above where it splits. So I'm like solid base, hanging on tight, two hands. Yeah, you're barely hanging on. You're like whipping back and forth as Sam, you know, sashays his giant weird ass. Yeah, you're like going back and forth as Sam you know sashays his giant weird ass yeah you're like going for like eight seconds

you know what I mean you're Luke Perry back there meanwhile Totoro's just plugging away up front just walking through sand and snow

just fucking barging a hole in everything so you guys can eat by the way thank you for dinner tonight it's very nice of you to agree to buy us dinner.

I was going to say, you and I could buy them dinner. We're doing it. We are. Pat doesn't have any money. And then I thought, ooh, what if I buy the whole thing? And then I got scared. I fucking spent a lot of money on Pat and all of his genderless friends. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't be the guy that says the most fucked up shit and the guy with all the woke they them friends. Oh, you do, though. For sure, you're in that age. You guys all are in bedroom trance bands and you're all starting fucking sneaker labels even though you don't know how to sew.

Yep. Meanwhile, me, a hard-working fucking Republican man. Hey, you want to chew? I'm not a Republican. The mask is off. No. Have fun at Skank Fest. meanwhile me a hard working fucking republican man he's like hey you wanna chew I'm not a republican the mask is off no have fun at skank fest

I'm masked I'll be there you're a libertarian yeah I believe in me you're Michael Jordan it was funny when he wouldn't

support the black dude running for governor in North Carolina because he said republicans buy sneakers too yeah for sure yeah that's you

yeah republicans buy my book too. Sorry I can't live in a world of ideals like you, Pat. Sorry I can't be a utopian secessionist like you and move down to fucking Rabbit Mound. Socialism will win. Shut up. You did a black power. Yeah, yeah.

up. He did a black power show. Yeah. Oh, we were doing a guy that he starts to do like a black voice, but then he fixes it halfway through. Oh, you mean what Sam will eventually realize he has to do is like stop doing a black voice? I don't do the voice. You do several black voices. No.

And it's going to bite you in the ass. Come on now. Come on now. Y'all can be, hey, doing that thing out there like that. That wasn't as good as it was before. You really froze up his lungs here. Yeah. It's his eyes.

I know. And his crotch is right by my face. I do LeVar Burton. Oh, yeah? Hello. I am. LeVar. Say your own name.

Get to the meat of your impression. LeVar. Bert. Bert. LeVar. Say your own name. Get to the meat of your impression. LeVar. Bert. Bert. LeVar. Bertone. What about Italian Pokemon? Arrivederci.

Oh, yeah, that's cool. Coming up with a new name. Just Riga. Rigatoni. There we go. Fida. Fida-chi. That's fun. I was thinking more like

Pika Pikachu oh so it's the same Pokemon we have but a dragonite yes

a Mr. Mime a Jinx get over here I want to suck your titties Pokemon updates Jinx did Jinx did she was a freak I'm a jinx. Get over here. I want to suck your titties. Pokemon have tits? Jinx did.

Jinx did. She was a freak. She was a real cool bitch. Trans icon. Not a Pokemon? Mm-hmm. She was a Pokemon. Oh, yeah.

Okay. She was an ice type. I don't care about any of this. You had to catch her in the Safari Zone. I'm five years older than you, and you are 31? Yeah, so why don't we do some hot Tetris riffs so you can keep up? I'm Dr. Mario. Which one was your favorite? The cube?

Yeah. Cube, cube. I'm an Italian cuckoo. I was like, hello. I was represented in Tetris by a cube. I was like, oh, look, it's me. It's-a me, cube. Yeah, you like duck hunt.

I was the fat guy, the fattest of the three options for the Nintendo game ice hockey. I was like, hey, look, I could play ice hockey if I grow up and get the itch. Yeah, my ankles heal. Not true, though. No. I've never, ever skated. Me either, actually. Tried it once, fell down a lot.

My dad said, you're ruining this night. That was the end of it for me. We're not allowed back here. That's for sure. You keep breaking the ice, Thumper. Hey, Totoro, off your ass. Hey, Gretzky. They're going to make me pay for a new Zamboni.

Because the one they have is going to fucking overheat trying to fix what you've done. Your tears are melting the ice, damn it. Your tees. Hey, you tees. Get over here and skate to daddy. Little teasy Totoro. Sam, the hot chocolate you spilt all over yourself. Did your dad like anything that you liked as a kid?

Or did he neg it? Did he shoot it down as dumb and weird? No, my dad ruled. Did he get into stuff? My dad loved everything. My dad tried to play, uh, he tried to play Madden with me. He tried to play Magic the Gathering. He tried everything, you know? God, that sounds badass. Try to hook up with your girlfriends. He was like, I just want to be, I just want to experience what you experience. You're like, I'm 15, dad. Yeah, he's like, so Clay, you ever been with a man? Those are my girlfriends.

Clay Don, Clay Raider. You banged in high school, right? Yeah, I didn't like it. It's not like you didn't lose it at CU. I didn't go to CU. Oh, you were supposed to. And then you went to Metro. On a bale of hay. Did you really?

That's where I lost my... Oh, yeah. God, it's so weird. Did they name the farm animals? What was their name? Nice Yeah Alright

No cell king Got it It's like fucking Snorlax Hit me with a zinger I'm playing the pokey Let me wake you up Yeah It's the McDonald's theme song

No it'd have to be... That's Amore because of Italian Pokemon. Oh, yes. Nice. Nice. Okay. I thought maybe Seinfeld theme. I was going earlier into the podcast. Kramer, you've been Marilyn Manson the whole time? Sucking his own dick.

Jerry, I love it. I can't stop. What about this? After talking about that, oh, after I did that show in the Springs a month and a half ago, Jason Wilhite, comedy superfan and potential serial killer. Sweatiest man in town. Wilhite said that

he remembers hearing the take your own or got a rib removed so he could suck his own dick. He heard that about Prince before Marilyn Manson. Yeah, but he's also 56 years old. I'm just saying,

I didn't know that was one that had been repeated or had... Yeah, and before Prince it was Charlie Chaplin yeah before that it was Caligula uh the Apostle Paul was accused of similar crimes a couple of dinosaurs were doing it yeah dined upon his own flock he munched his own fish he ate his own sacrament, Jerry. Tis I, Kramer.

I'm the 13th apostle. Jesus. Whoa. He had a heat. Me and Judas chill out. Well. Biblical Seinfeld. Yeah.

Tries to walk on water. Yeah. Falls in. George is jealous that Jerry is hanging out with Jesus. We gotta get out of Jerusalem. We gotta go to the Stone Sour concert. Oh, yeah. And it's all coming together.

No mention of Elaine. You guys left her out. Well, because New Metal, there was no women in that scene. No. Kitty. No. What? They count? Flyleaf? Do you remember that band? You guys left her out Well because new metal There was no women in that scene No Kitty No What they count Flyleaf Do you remember that band

Yeah I can't think of They had a lady singer Seven Dust I can't think of their song Seven Dust That was a black fella Mmhmm Deftones

Love Deftones How about the cover of Around the Fur Okay Oh yeah Top down Yes Hasm

Yeah Hasm. Yeah. Hasm. Well, I was going to say hopefully of age, but as we've said on the pod, if you... You said that about that Nirvana cover, too. Same age. I went to high school with that kid. Yeah, no, if you're talking about a young lady who was underage when you were underage. Christina Ricci.

Christina Ricci. Who else have we applied that to? Well, I guess for you, like Lucille Ball. Judy Garland. Yeah. Calicula. Lady Bird Johnson. Dolly Madison.

Martha Washington. Jeans. 400 years old. Cleopatra. I was frozen in ice for millennia, and so there's a lot of women this applies to across the years. I am an unfrozen caveman podcaster. I started saying podcaster, not comedian. I'm a bartender slash podcaster, and I'm here to fuck.

Have you been telling everyone to come see the show January 22nd at the Trinidad Lounge? Yeah, I've already drummed up like three or four heads. Sick, dude. Yeah, it's going to be crazy. I can't wait to be down there. We have to go early so that people can come in after and get blottoed. Yeah. You got a spot?

I don't have a job anymore. Let's let Pat come down for that one. No, you literally said no. It's Pat. You didn't want anyone to come. I'll give him a taste of my money. You don't have a job anymore. Let's let Pat come down for that one. No, you literally said no. You didn't want anyone to come. I'll give him a taste of my money. You don't have to worry about sharing. No, we don't need another giant fact check. Yes, we do, because look how funny that lineup is.

No, it's not funny. It is. Because we all look like we all have the same dad and mom. It's me and him right now. It's us. Oh. Yeah. It's the two of us.

All transition. Show's full. I'm the headliner. You do have him I'm kinda queer Right? I'm queer Have you S to D

Or kissed a dude for real? I've kissed many dudes Are you just like Always Just drunk? Just the fellas You know the one That the fellas kiss

Just drunk? Just close friends It doesn't lead to anything? I asked my friend If I could suck his dick Really fucked up once And you meant it? Yeah

Nice What? I did He said no. Wow. That's pretty... It wasn't Jack. No, it was my friend Josh.

Josh. He listens to the pod, so that's cool. Shout out. I think he's in rehab, actually. Yeah, that's what gets him through. He's rock bottom and he wouldn't let you

suck his dick? He wasn't rock bottom. He's a great fella. His rock bottom was you offering to suck his dick. His girlfriend stabbed him. You offered to Byron his gram? It's got a little vest on. bottom he's a great fella bottom was you his girlfriend stabbed him you offered to Byron his Graham it's got a little vest on his girlfriend stabbed him yeah

what I shouldn't be throwing all this out there go crazy yeah I have a different story okay cool um I was a Thick Skin. Very good. Uh-huh. It was weird. Oh, friend, hello. Patrick, you're on the lineup. Pat, you want to go on? Who is that? Mike Stanley.

Mike Stanley. Oh, friend. Come on, Queef. No, I wasn't. What do you mean you don't know? This is a killer impression. Mike Stanley, Queef. We used to do is a killer impression. Mike Stanley. We used to do a podcast

where it was Mike Stanley and John Doe. That's how this pod started, actually. It was an ironic pod. Yeah, we were going to do it in character. It was John Toll. I was Toll, he was Stanley.

I'm Mike. I think that's a little unfair to Stanley because John Toll was way more nuts than Stanley. Oh, yeah. Stanley's fine. I can do his impression. They just had funny voices. Yeah. And this was when Toll was constantly posting. Yeah.

Did you ever see the clips that he would share where there's a ticker or crawl at the bottom, graphics popping up all over his face. I made my stomach drop every time I saw it. It was wild. It was like so many different things to be, yeah, to be like scared of and creeped out by. I'm glad that a bunch of people got online to make fun of and chastise that clearly mentally ill man. That's good. That's what being an ally is.

that clearly mentally ill man. That's good. That's what being an ally is. It's fucking making memes where it's the black fist and the white fist. Predator. Yeah, Predator. Predator.

Predator handshake. Yeah. It's like eating soap, QAnon, John Toll in the middle. Come on. Special victim. I miss it.

It was always weird because he was... Oh, John. What's up? Welcome to thick skin. You're going to have to have bulletproof skin once the government starts taking away all of our ammunition. Oh, queef. That sucks. It's like Smurfs.

He used queef for most words. Holy queef. That's queefed up. Mike, we're sorry, but the tumor looks like it spread. Queef my queef. I better get my queefs in queef. I don't know what you're saying. How many queefs do I have to queef?

Queef. I'd like an open queef funeral. I want to be buried upside down so that the queef can kiss my queef. So you were at Thick Skin. Yes, I went to Thick Skin. We're out of time, Pat. Join us next week. Is this recent?

Is this two years ago? This was this week. Oh, nice. I get there. I'm not booked. I'm like, I want to hang out. I'll throw my name in the bucket. Don't get booked the whole night

or brought up with the bucket all night shows okay then they do the thing the show's too long

it's like a four hour show the tattoo contest the tattoo contest contest lasts forever there's a bunch of women that didn't have bad tattoos that just wanted to be on stage and then they do the thing

where they for the last bucket spot where they pull out three names and bring them all up so they just judged solely on their looks right

to see who gets the last spot yeah look at this queef first queef out of the bucket first name pulled out of the bucket um first name pulled out of the bucket carrie my ex-girlfriend yeah uh-oh second name pulled out of the bucket me you don't go out there i'm hot about not going up there that's queefed up it's so queefed up and then the third out of the bucket Kyle Pogue he fucks both of us

on stage I don't know he was a cute little Indian boy sure not BK though and then I had to be subjected

to that for like 30 minutes 30 minutes just judged on stage solely based on my looks who won who got the spot? A little cute Indian boy.

I think his name was Dinesh. Interesting. Yeah, of course. Odds are. I won. Everyone wanted me. I looked the dumb and funniest. Yeah, were you up there with your tongue out looking like Garfield?

Yeah. I used to fuck him. Yeah. You laid down? Yeah. I was sweaty. And I had this fucking bowl cut that Sam made me get

and you made you get it you were like yes no you put me on like you drugged me and were like you're getting a bowl cut no I was like

dude it's New Year's Eve it's about to be a new year why don't you look the best version of yourself and you were like really you think I look good I was like

yeah dude in fact if you cut that hair I'm gonna show you something yeah he stuck his tongue down my throat at midnight didn't you say you wanted a bowl cut yeah I was kidding you wanted to go back

yeah it's awful how long did it take Mel to give you a bowl cut not that long 15 minutes also it doesn't look like you have a bowl cut anymore because you combed your hair to the side. Well, it's... You got a free fucking haircut, so why don't you shut up? Well, the first thing...

Fucking Sam grabs the clippers and just goes... And it cut my head. I made a bleep. And then Mel was like, I guess the bowl cut has to be this high now. Yeah, you set the bar. I felt bad about that, man. Not bad enough to apologize. Two seconds?

Yeah. Were you blackout? Were you a little dick like Emily's birthday? No, dude, I was very good. Yeah, right. I was not blackout. It doesn't sound good. I think I was very responsible.

Yeah, you did start playing the drums at like 4 a.m. And I smoked a cigarette in the basement. Oh, yeah. But other than that, who cares? Emily wasn't home. Why not? She had to go to work. Oh, she wasn't there.

She was at a different party. She was your real friends. She was at a hospital get-together. No, she delivered the first babies of the new year in Fort Collins. Oh, yeah. They were twins. Aw. Yeah.

Aw. It was very cute. Crispin and Glover were their names. Toto and Ro. Ro-Ro. Oh, this happened today. Sick. Okay. Can't wait.

Yeah, I want to hear this. Queef me, bro. I'm queefing. I'm tall now. Let's switch it up. I'm queefing. Hey, I'm queefing. Watch out for the queef stain.

What happened? Don't forget. Don't forget. I dropped off Kinane in Boulder on the drive down here. And we went and had lunch. And, okay, so where you guys are sitting like at a booth face to face now imagine there's a very old frail hunched over man yeah you guys can pretend to be me i'm listening to my friend kyle yeah yeah you're not talking it's good i had fajitas for breakfast pretty sick

man line both did sizzle noise yeah that was good he had uh what else makes noise hot plate here he had a live chicken but anyway this old man walks in, all hunched over with a walker, barely able to move around, and he sits down. He has his back to us. And me and Kinane are eating, blah, blah, blah.

And then this guy orders his food, and he stands up to take off his jacket, and just... Farts. And it goes from me and Kanay and being like, yeah, you know, what are you... Just stop. And then three minutes of us just eyes bulging,

faces red, suppressing the urge to fucking cackle and scream. Just... And he's sitting over there, and it reeked. He really blasted when he probably shit his pants. He was old and infirm. This might have been his last meal.

And just like two, you know, professional comedians trying to hold it together because this man farted near them. It's good luck. Were there other people

in there? Yeah, who else was in there? Was this at Chili's? Where was this? Dan Soder was there. Like when they brought the fajitas, they were like, and he was like where was this Dan Soder was there like when they brought when they brought the fajitas

they were like and he was like I'm Dan Soder and I have fajita envy yeah and then another guy was like

hey fajitas they're stealing our jobs and I was like is that John Toll and then I heard in the back in the kitchen

someone was like queef up and they rang a bell and then I heard in the back in the kitchen someone was like, queef up! They rang a bell. Yeah, there is... You should have laughed, because fuck it. If he doesn't care and just farts, then he shouldn't be able to be like,

you can't laugh at my public non-bathroom fart. Even in the bathroom, I'm going to laugh. He didn't care or he didn't know. Either way, you can laugh at my public non-bathroom fart. Like, even in the bathroom, I'm going to laugh. Either he didn't care or he didn't know. Either way, you can laugh at it. He couldn't control himself. I think he could. He was so near death.

What did he get? I bet he just didn't care. You get older, you don't care. What do you think he got? 90-year-old man. Oatmeal. Can't stand up. Oatmeal and a hard-boiled egg.

Crispy tacos, ground beef. For breakfast? For sure. Or lunch, egg. Crispy tacos, ground beef. For breakfast? For sure. Or lunch, you're saying? Well, it depends. It was 10.30 in the morning? It was 7 a.m. That's breakfast.

That's breakfast, mister. That's breakfast anywhere in the world. This episode was real queef-fest. Did you tell Sam about what happened when you saw every time i die oh about pooping when i pooped a little he pooped a little he got an elbow to the gut and it made him poop i know oh okay yeah well how do you know sorry you put you to bed with a yeah a little tall tale because you told me You called me and you were like, Sammy? How do I lock the bathroom door?

I can't poop if the door won't lock. Oh, yeah. I'll shit my pants. I'll gladly just stay in my fucking undies. You need a solo or just the stall? No, like if the door doesn't lock wherever I am, I can't do it. Or I have to sit there in the stall holding the door. No, like if the door doesn't lock wherever I am, I can't do it. Or I have to sit there in the stall holding the door. Ho door.

Ho door. Sometimes you have no choice, though. No, I choose. To shit your pants? Instead of being looked at while doing something everybody does? Yeah, but when I'm sitting down, it's like my balls are eating my dick. Do remember do you remember yeah yeah vulnerable speaking of

vulnerable do you remember i walked in on a child at the louvre oh yeah yeah dude like his worst nightmare at the urinal no no he was on the toilet had to shit. I had to shit at the Louvre. I was inspired. And I go to, and I open one of the two stall doors and there's an eight-year-old kid. And I was like, oh, dude, I'm so sorry. Yeah. He was like, it doesn't lock. And I was like, I get it.

I know you didn't want that. I didn't either. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to stand out here to make sure nobody else does that. Which is the weirdest move you could make. No, no. Yeah, you're like, look, no one else is going to know about us. I mean you.

You're my little NFT. Yeah. You're the only kid. Nice fuckable tyke. Yeah. Nice fat tuchus. Yeah. You were like, jis we lovers. No, this was an English speaker, an American.

I was like, listen, dude. We were both born in the U.S., so I got your back. Let's Van Gogh. Bend over. Let me wipe you. Let's Van Gogh to my van. No. I was like, in my head, I'm like, the only thing that I can do to make it slightly better

is prevent... Stand here and wait. Well, listen, is to prevent it from happening to prevent... Stand here and wait. Well, listen. Is to prevent it from happening to him again. He didn't have anybody in there. His dad's fucking like jerking off to the Mona Lisa or whatever. His dad should have been in there doing what I now had to do, which was... And I stopped one person. Which was cornering the stall.

Wait for him to... I'll be out here until you come out. So that we can make eye contact. No. He rolled his hand. I told a guy, these are occupied. So I did something. And then I think when I heard.

My boss is in there. I think when the toilet flushed, Richie Rich is in there. And I'm his manservant. I think once I heard a flush, I bailed. I can't remember. Because I definitely didn't want to be out there when he came out. That's for sure. I think it's so weird to be like, oh, hey, saw your penis, little guy.

Shut the door and then be like, don't worry. I'll be out here waiting for you to enter. Well, what's worse? And exit. Leave. You leave. You say, my God, what have I done? And then somebody else comes in and it happens again and he's traumatized twice.

Or they have worse intentions than Lund. Yeah, next person that comes in is a total, like, just lingers. He just stares at them. Yeah, leaves the door open. Yum. Yeah, leaves the door open. His name is Chuck. He starts playing Sade on his phone.

He can't. Sets the mood. I don't know. I tried to. I'm glad you're loosening it up. I tried to help. And I got, like I said, it would have sucked for him to have to come out and then for me to, like, talk to him about it. I knew I wasn't going to do that.

But I wanted to try to make sure that only one guy peered in on him at his most vulnerable. But, you know. You were his only fan. I was like, here's five bucks. I put five under the door. Thank you. You wipe with this. Thank you for your service. I put five under the door. Thank you. Wipe with this. Thank you for your service.

I didn't see his ween. He must have been tucked. Didn't see anything. Luckily, he wasn't, like, wiping or something. Oh, God. It was awful. It was awful. I hated that.

I go out there. I tell the mom, you need to raise your kid better. What the hell? Get in there. Should have helped him. I think you did in your own weird way. No, the mom. A parent should have been in there.

But. That's the final truth. You live and you learn. Nice. Thank you. Put the button on it. That was good. We're at time over here.

Anything you want to plug? Is this a free one patreon free free fuck um i was gonna follow me birthday piss on instagram follow the pod on instagram at chubby behemoth pod uh a lot of you listen if you're on instagram give us a follow uh so that we can look like people are listening. Oh yeah, I'm starting my campaign. I am better than Noah, so

spread that around. Let everyone know that I am better than Noah. Get on the Chubb Reddit, Chubby Behemoth, on oldreddit.com. Hit up Lund to get a calendar. Lund's selling Chubby Behemoth calendars. Hit him up on the old DMs. Come see me January 22nd in Trinidad. London.

You can come see London Basalt opening for a girl. January 21st. I will also be on that Trinidad show. Pat's coming down. It's official. No, it's not. We got the Pats in town.

You can't get any money, unfortunately. I'll give him some of my cash. I'm unemployed. You're not getting paid either. unfortunately. I'll give him some of my cash. I'm unemployed. You're not getting paid either. What? This is a me and Wally thing. Oh my god. We make money. I can't wet my beak? We make money. You get used like a Kleenex and then thrown away. I'm gonna bring down John

Toll. Whoa. Hey, Wally. It's me, a man who looks like Slimer. Wally. That mouth move Wabba Wabba Wabba Wabba Fight Where's the laptop

Hunter Hunt me Hunter No gender It's clown world. Ho. Hey, Mike. We're with...

That's it? Sure. Okay.