Chubby Behemoth - It’s Never The Move Boys

Episode Date: September 2, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     SPONSORS: Hims ED - Start your free online Hims visit today at https://www.hims.com/CHUBBY     Cash App - Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod As a Cash App partner, I may earn a commission when you sign up for a Cash App account. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Visit https://www.cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys all hung out with old friends in different places. Becker went to Vegas for a bachelor party. Nathan had a visit from a certain lawyer, rubbed his off instead of adding one, and thought he was getting punk’d by a young lady. Sam reveals his gamer tag, saw a front flip that made him hard, and had a fun fantasy about Becker selling a show. If you can’t give your mind, give your body!     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

I've been tearing tissues, man, with blood. You're bleeding out of a tissue hole? I've been very dried out. So, yeah, my nose has been bleeding. Yeah, you got a little gin blossom on it right now. Yeah, my face is all fucked up. Bummer. I've been sick.

You've been sick. Becker's hungover. We're really wearing this weekend. He's lured red. Why are you the color of the devil's henchman? well because I got the drunkest I've been since I was maybe 16 at the circle pool we were in there for seven hours and I we didn't stop drinking the whole time seven hours of hell dude we got fucked nobody in the group of four guys

knows how we got out of there or back to the hotel no one brought any sunscreen that's for sure nope you look like when they like a couple days after they take the hellboy makeup off of Pearlman, you look like that color of skin. Dude, my scalp is as burnt as you were worried about it getting every time we've ever been anywhere. Look at you. I'm fucked. It hurts.

You're a bad guy. I'm also, I have like a second asshole now and bruises up and down my spine from going cart racing on Saturday because I was hell bent on winning. I told you maybe get a nose piercing. No, you got a second asshole. Yeah. That is a biggest bachelor party, Bacchanal. It's a huge faux pa.

Everyone knows you get the nose piercing. You get the matching like wolf pack tattoo. You know, maybe you guys all, you know, go four ways on a prostitute and promise not to tell. But you don't go cart racing to the point where you rip your bag. It ruled. It was so much fun. And then when we got done with a third race, me and my buddy were in the bathroom. And I was like, hey, man, am I bleeding and bent over.

with my butt out and he was screaming laughing like you have a new asshole there you are 36 years old you're bent over in a family funplex in the bathroom not even the stall just right by the sink letting your buddy check your gape you were doing whippets in there we were the only ones in there no whippets no whippets this weekend just had jacob and one day of too much booze Look, I loathe to tell the listener, but this is one of the few episodes where Jake Becker is receiving his big time star moment. So, Lund's sick, his face is out of sorts. I'm ill and generally overlooking at anyone's face or hearing anyone talk. So what we have here is the big pink star.

It's the war god Mars and he's here to tell us his tale. Yeah. Well, we got there. We got there Friday. Where are you? It was me, my buddy Gike, who's getting married. My buddy, my buddy Clem, who's the small Asian man that I grew up with. Asian Clem, white Gike. White Gike and then white Runko. And we all got there. Runk, Hey, real quick. If you're lying about this whole weekend and it was some crazy lie you concocted to make us feel like you were cool, you can say so. now because if you're telling me that you and guy can claim and clement runco raised hell it's hard for me as the listener's proxy to believe you we really didn't raise that much hell that's what i was going to say like we took it easy till all of a sudden we didn't they all have names like when you've played through Pokemon red a hundred times there these are all names that you

give for your rival by your hundred and first play for the play through yeah they're well their names are billy josh and zach but i've never called them that yeah kind of boring stupid so we all got there Friday night and like ate a bunch of food and then stayed up till 3 a.m. just like Las Vegas by the way. Shooting the shit in the room. So that was, you, Mandalay Bay. No, we were at the Luxor, which was surprisingly nice. Well, yeah, any, any hotel slash casino that you can ride down like a slide is probably going to be more, you know, affordable for the men on the go.

It was, yeah, the room we were in, both of them were like brand new, new carpet, knew everything. Have we ever told that story of when Lund set the Guinness World Record for mooning the most amount of people in 30 seconds? He went to the peak of the Luxor and he dropped trow and then he just slid past all the windows for 105 stories. Yeah, and Guinness, they gave him the ribbon when he got to the bottom. I was the opposite of you, Becker, instead of a new asshole, I rubbed him. mind clean I just erased it that's why his butt hole is still smooth he has reversed Barbie genitalitis but for his butthole but yeah we were getting up at like eight o'clock in the morning to go to the racetrack the next morning so we took it real easy and then got up early

went to the racetrack what has taken it real easy look like for you and gike and well they all had and tosser two or three beers and i smoked like a grandma hash in the hotel room while we just chatted and caught up i mean i hadn't seen billy in like four years hey i haven't seen josh no billy seven please ronko i haven't seen ronko and probably like four i haven't seen him in four years and i haven't seen clem be a mercenary in mosaic i'm guessing he's no manhunting he's like a construction manager for a ronko kills ronko fucks that's he does dude he's he's he's he's The manliest man I knew growing up. Bad, bad, bad man.

Brands all over him now from college, which is hilarious because he's fat and hairy now. Brands? What's he have like the Orbit's gum logo on his body? He's got like four, his number and all kinds of stuff. It's wild. It's a real wild scene when he takes his shirt off. And you're always like, hey, take your shirt off, Ronco. Show him the white rhino.

We all forgot. until we were at the pool and it was like oh yeah you were crazy huh okay so you ronko has a couple of pops you're smoking hash yeah we all just shot the shit caught up told each other about like the friends that we still stay in touch with that everybody else doesn't we're laughing at people making fun about andy oh yeah that was a fun caught him up that was fun that was a real a fun story. But I also like, they were all like, huh. They're all on their second marriages, so I got to hear about all that.

They don't get the year of pleasure. They don't know anything because they don't listen to chubby behemate. They listen to broke down garage. No, none of them listen to any of this shit. Yeah. Too busy going to the rebar store. Yeah. Getting a refund.

Raising kids. Yeah, get some new fence posts. Hey, which are these, which of these lumbers? will burn the fastest. What room? I don't know. Bunk beds, you know? Maybe a very

expensive gaming chair. Hell, I don't know. Maybe every PS5 game, even though they just play the damn Spider-Man. Maybe that's in the room. Which one of these will fucking go up? That's what they're up to. That is very accurate.

So we're racing. So which is, I'm digging a well. I'm digging a well in the backyard. Which of these stones is the most resistant to shrill screams? Because if I wanted to throw something down there, whether it, you know, be a puppy or the person who never walked the puppy, so it shit all over my rug, you know how hard it is to find a St. Louis Cardinals throw rug? Anyway, okay. So you're hanging out with some family annihilators. Yep.

Okay. We go racing in the morning. My buddy guy pulls off Earth. early in the first race. I can't catch them. I'm pissed. You're furious. Yeah. Yeah. You're pouting. No. You're shaking. Not pouting or shaking. Just like excited to go in for the next two races. You're talking about how your cart was American made and how since 2003 these go carts have a different cylinder system. So really, it's not your fault. It's the engineering. No, it was it was that we were on the track with 35 other people

who weren't great drivers. So they'd get in a position and drive like idiots. So, you couldn't pass or do anything that's too many people that's so many people to deal with and be annoyed by it was a blast but then we took a break because it was hot as fuck so we took a break got water chill god i bet it was hot in there yeah and then and then the group we raced with for the second and third races were all like a group of locals there was maybe like one other group of guys that were visiting there so they all knew how to drive and we went back out so bad in there Oh, dude, it was so, it was outside. Go cart dorks in the heat of Las Vegas outdoors.

It ruled. Oh, those carts must have been so sticky. They weren't stick. It was, they were like hard plastic. They weren't sticky at all. I beat the fuck out of my body. But then, yeah, so the second and third race, I was like, I don't care what, how fast I have to drive. I'm fucking winning.

I don't care if I die here today. That break, that brake pedal will not. be touched. I had to use the shit out of the brakes. They were super carts, so I had to drive correctly. But I was, Clem and Runco were too motion sick after the second race

to do the third race. Because you poison them. And they watched and Clem was like, dude, even after the first corner, I like Slap Billy and was like, yo, watch Becker. This is insane. He's driving like a fucking maniac. Oh, God. You did the silver spray paint on your mouth.

Witness me! I'm either going to the podium or Valhalla. And then we went to Fremont because Geik wanted to learn how to play Blackjack and didn't want to be at the expensive tables. So we went over there and we went over to get those Huey Magoo chicken tenders that I love so much. Yes, you love those hilariously named tenders. They're so good. And then...

So after you committed like miniature vehicular homicide over and over and over again, so were there any babes there you were trying to impress? No. No babes. Dude, there was one girl there. Nice. And she was not a babe. Yeah, but she's a card bitch, you know?

You're probably into it. No, it was. She's out there, she's dropping the scarf at the beginning of the race. No, she's sat. It's just a black hawks pennant. It was like Eastern, Middle Eastern. woman who just sat eastern middle east sat in the booth and watched her boyfriend her husband race she didn't she but she was the only girl in the whole fucking place yeah yeah did you end up

getting the second and or third yeah yeah yeah you got them both both i laughed everybody on the third one now if i were to call gike he would back this up yeah he'd be pissed because on the second race he had the fastest lap time because he was in front of me he had pole position when we took off because he won the first race and it took it took me like three or four laps to pass him because he this sounds like the least amount of fun i could have is you taking oh yeah going so seriously that you said a pole position you would have you would have been so scared you would have fucking hated it made two other guys who love going fast motion sick you would have you would have quit halfway through the first race i probably would

would have quit halfway through the first race because I already beat you guys. Yeah, that would have you would have had your blinker on your hazards on and pulled over. I'm saying, I'm good. Hey, we're good. Go ahead. Go ahead. Oh, yeah, right after the. Why wouldn't you want to get to the end?

Why wouldn't you want to get to the end right away? Go ahead. Who cares? Sure, I'll just be over here fucking myself. We all paid the same amount of money, but you're going to be done sooner. Good call. Yeah. yeah it is the best how fast how fast do you know how fast you were able to get going they said

you could get them up to about 60 on the track because the track limits the speed shit that's wild they were fucking fast dude it was fun it was real really fun yeah i would like that because there were always it was always so frustrating the first time you tried to do go-kart somewhere wondering if you were going to get a good one or a dud and if you had the time to do a another go-round. Maybe you could get a... What? So it's a lot like podcast co-host.

Are you going to get a good one or a dud? Sure. You know, luckily, I got both. That's right. Yeah. Shut up. But yeah, to know that they were badass would be pretty sweet. I didn't even know that they did that out there.

Yeah, they were, and all the carts were super equal. It wasn't like there was a hot cart out on the track or a trash cart. You weren't watching anybody get fucked like right away. It was definitely driving. Were you smoking joints? Nobody. No, I had my pen with me, though. Eaters.

I was, cart in the cart. Did you say, cart in the cart, bro? Then, like, honk it. No, I left it up in the... I thought you were so cool. Cafe. You were Rat Fink himself. Oh, dude, when I was winning, nobody could tell me shit.

Did you have the hat on? Did you have the hat that was gifted to you on? The Marlboro hat? The red one. No. Did I wear your wool hat to Vegas for the weekend? that's no i did driving you could have looked like mario in the cart we had to have helmets rainbow road ah that's too bad said you look like toad and they were a sweaty soup bucket by the

time we were done and then afterwards we i forgot we me zach and his brother-in-law because the other two dudes were sick and his brother-in-law met up with us for the race day what's his brother-in-law's name cody rick he had they have a sweet life damn uh old rickie ricardo and he and he and Did you ever call him Ricky Retardo? I didn't. It was a new friend. Because that's my gamer tag. Lay off.

They haven't figured it out yet. We're all having fun. Some of us are still online in the old way. All right. But we went drifting in a cop car, a Hellcat cop car. That was fun. We did two laps with a pro driver drifting us around. Whoa.

Yeah. How jealous were you of his job? Handcuffed. Dude. They cuffed you. We asked him the second we pulled up to the radiator cooler, Geik was like, how do you get this job? And the kid looked in and was like, I got really lucky. You just got kidnapped for a half hour.

Pretty much. You ruled. You would have been mad for days if I took you on that ride. Yeah, I don't like doing stuff like that. I was about to say dumb stuff, but you know what? I self-edited and I said stuff like that. It was dumb stuff. but you would have you would have been howling mad at me if I put you in that drift ride well I mean look I was I was fucking foreman at the dick sucking factory all weekend I think I think I probably could have been talked into some kind of crazy Yemeni hell ride at various instances you know I think I think I think getting bagged and tagged and driven into the desert to figure out a way back could have been preferable to the hours of midnight to 3 a.m. most the last 4.

nights but that's neither here nor there well it's coming i figured let's let becker oh yeah i love that's up and well the rest of that afternoon we were all like sore from driving fast race cars in the morning and so we took it we walked around like the venetian and had a couple of snacks the guys all had like a few beers but nothing crazy went back to the hotel and then just talk to each other for hours again it was awesome to catch up with the boys Classic almost 40 bachelor party in Las Vegas. Yeah. Hey, boys, Gheke's getting married.

We got to throw all the cash in the bag. We're going to Vaggy. We went to New York, New York. He responded, begrudgingly, to his friend group that he hasn't looked at in about six months. Yeah. Oh, totally sick. He responds to the man whose last text was on his birthday in 24. Yeah, I know, I know this squad.

Yeah. The legendary pussy. creepers and then we went there was no we don't even know if we talked to a girl and then uh we went we went to new york new york and top golf we did new york new york new york on top golf on saturday after the racing so we went to top golf and beat on balls for like two hours it's like you just made the young partner at the firm yeah that was more fun than i thought it'd be i kind of wasn't stokes for that and that had a blast yeah well i think like a lot of stuff the people who love top golf probably could be can be insufferable but the idea is pretty fucking so

yeah it rocked and then we did the roller coaster in new york new york and that ruled yeah that's pretty good what about uh blackjack just learned how to play it was fine he yeah he played a little bit i didn't really i played like two five dollars hands and lost right away and was like that's all the cash i have and i'm not going to the ATM to pound my own ass so have fun boys to have a third asshole installed we went to the casino twice this weekend that's how much fun we had and then they all saw the pull at circle while we were down on fremont like eating and we're like whoa we should go there tomorrow and just like watch bullshit and i was like yeah i know how to get in there we've we've stayed there before it looks like a

nice setup so the next morning we went there and immediately started drinking and then we were there from like 11 a.m. or 10.30 in the morning till like 7.30 at night. And what are you drinking? Boston Coolers? Black Russians. You know we're drinking bitch sodas. We had so many white claws and sun chasers and twisted teas. Okay. So you're doing it right. Oh, yeah. That's, well, I spoke too soon before you said twisted tea, but two out of three ain't bad. You're by the pool. You got the bucket. You're slurping, you're hopping in, getting a little wet from time to time, little grab ass as the, as the, as the, as the cans empty. Yeah, let's get another, right, you see that waitress over there? Yeah, let's see if we can get her to bring a bucket.

I know this kind of fun. This is great. Yeah, we drank 14 buckets. Wow. Between the four of us. My God. It was a real shit show. Then literally no one knew. That's three and a half buckets each. There were two guys in each room. So, like, we went back to the room. I passed out. I woke up at 1.45 in the morning. And my buddy was in the bathroom, but all the lights were on. So I thought he was just, they were out.

Dead. So I was like, oh, fuck, I got to find my glasses and go find the boys. And then open the door to the bathroom to go take a piss. And it was like, oh, my God, what are you doing here? He's like, I don't even know how we got back here. He just woke up to go to the bathroom. And I was like, I don't know how anything happened. Last thing I remember, we were at the pool.

We killed him, Jake. We killed Clem. They killed him. So we were just like, shit. Your glasses are, your glasses are in Clem's ass. You're like, no way. And you go find him. So we're like, we'll just talk to the boys in the morning.

I'm sure one of them had to have been responsible for getting us back here. Yeah. And then we're all going to the airport. And it's like, hey, do you remember? And Clem was like, I don't remember anything. And he remembered like 40 minutes before me and Geik. Like he blacked out earlier because he's a tiny little guy. And Billy's like, I don't know, I'm not worried about it.

And we're like, wow, no, how the fuck do we do that? We were all the way across town in bathing suits with our shit locked in a locker. Like, there had to be several steps. Yeah. What happened? Billy ordered the Uber. We figured that out, but we have no, no clue how anything happened. Any $400 door dashes you woke up to?

No. We were all so shit-faced. I think we all just laid down and passed out. Interesting. So I got up at like 1.45, went down to the deli, got a couple pieces of banana bread, and then just like laid there trying not to die until it was time to go to the airport. You applied them topically, just rubbing banana bread all over your head at the Vegas airport. You're not the weirdest guy there.

No one's noticed. He was just massaging banana bread. Not an eye was bad. Dude, I don't know if I've ever seen as many. people win sprinting through an airport as I seem to all the time when we're in Vegas. Every time we're in the Vegas airport, people are running like they just found out they had a flight. Yeah.

There's a lot of anonymous sex going on at the Vegas airport. So people take too long to nut. And then they're like, oh, boarding groom seven. What are we going to do? A lot of Keith D. S. accidentally booking the flight on your birthday after you put. put in your birthday uh-huh somehow also checking in though that was the big thing so he's like

yeah but he checked in so yeah i don't know huh maybe he just wanted to hang out that's fine too he just missed you it was nice to have a little shirt but it helped clean up the backyard nice yeah that was that was the whole trip wow becker i'm glad it ended up being good i knew it'd be good because you just have the worst thing is if you would have done a bunch of shit you didn't even want to do spend money you don't want to spend yeah i figured you weren't going to do that for the sake of telling other people what you did you just got to figure out there's a million things to do you didn't do neon graveyard or meow wolf no didn't go to a strip club nope didn't have any in calls no no we just ate and talked like it and that's the boys the the one the one

guy bitched at before the trip to be like we could have gone anywhere we haven't seen each other in years and we're childhood best friends he was like yeah last night when we all went back to our rooms at 3 30 in the morning after just talking for like five hours yeah it was like we could have gone anywhere like yeah yeah yeah we definitely could have we didn't need to be here no no one ever needs to be there but we found like nice little hour long activities to do and then yeah it was fun in between the gab sessions yeah the gossip girl But then, are you off of sigs, or are you just out? No, I just don't want to edit me smoking out of the video.

Yeah, I bet Becker went to Vegas for three days and didn't smoke a single sick. I didn't smoke much on Sunday because I was in the pool drunk all day and they wouldn't let me smoke in the pool. Because your hands were wet. And you kept saying, can I get a light? Can I get a light? I was, I was too drunk to walk to the ash tree. right in the pussy. I light me up. She's like, sir, you're wearing a snorkel?

You're like, yeah, my butt isn't snorkeled. Now put it in. Torch you smoked through your butt. Dude, it was a who's got him parade at the circle pool. Did you get any photos? No. Video. I locked my phone with my vape in the locker so that no matter how drunk we got,

I wouldn't leave my weed behind. Very good. And what was the, what was this? You said, White Claw and Twisted Tea, and I don't think I'd heard of the other one. It was mostly White Claw and Sun Chaser. Sun Chaser had some lemonade tea situation going on that was actually good. It's part of the greater malt beverage sciop being, you know, perpetrated.

There's a trillion of them. Yeah. I didn't know about hard Mountain Dew until over the weekend. Bobby came down from Alamosa, hung out with Bob. Bobby. And he, or we went to the Safeway to get, I wanted to get some Klaus Taller NAs. And he was looking at tall boys. And I saw the Mountain Dew, I think it was regular and Baja blast.

I was like, holy shit. And I wanted Bobby to get one, but he got a Paps. Damn it, Bobby. What? Can you, can you, you have to be the, the cool guy sucking back a Paps out of a brown paper bag all the time. Yeah. Come on. Get a Mountain Dew for your fat, non-alcoholic friend.

Let him smell it. Yeah, drink half and then burp in my face. Maybe I try a little. Yeah. In the church sanctuary. Bobby, you're a lawyer. You can't splurge the extra 2.30 for the tall boy that you sip once and go, that's not that bad. And then drink all of while winking, but not really.

Yeah. I know you, Bobby. Robert. Yeah, we had a similar, we had a similar thing, I guess, Becker, because he came down for the, uh, sorry. you guys are delayed can you hear me yeah oh yeah you're you're having lag issues but it hasn't hurt us at all right yeah okay i just saw sam start to act out drinking something and i was like what uh he came down mostly because uh there was uh rattlesnake milk played at the dad lounge friday but saturday i was like i don't want to go out again my throat was killing me

Friday and Saturday. And so I didn't want to go yell at a bar again. And he was down for whatever. So we went up to the upstairs up here and watched always sunny and smoked weed. It was pretty good. Fuck, yeah. Nice. We came and visited Grandpa at the home instead of going to the big rock show.

That's fun. No, no, no. Friday, no. Friday we went to rattlesnake milk. Oh, okay. And we had a nice night at the bar. All right. I had a scream.

I had to talk to, you know, 90 people. Well, yeah, you're in there. You walk in. Hey,

what stinks? Rhonda. Hey, what's going like, Hey, pops. Got a couple of those crazy beers? Wait,

no, that's, no, that's not me. I'm not in good, fellas. Yeah. Uh-huh.

You're like, can I get a table for two? Uh, she's got him. You bring up two chairs for a lady with big tits. You're like, for your friends.

I want everyone to be comfortable. No, I'm not, I'm not holding court. But I did realize, I probably would have had half as many people coming up to me if I weren't wearing my Lund hat to make sure everybody saw. But no, that was fine. But it was nice the next night to be able to just kick it with Bob. And he, like, stopped watching Always Sunny after season seven because he didn't have TV in college or some shit.

So I got to show him, like, the best ones from the last few years. So that was pretty sweet. nice. Damn, a Lund curated always sunny marathon would be pretty sick, honestly. Yeah, man. The gang dines out. He hadn't seen any of these. The gang dines out.

Charlie work. Hero or hate crime. Making Dennis Reynolds a murderer. Like a bunch of great ones. I'm not on a first name basis with the entire catalog, but I bet those are sick apps. Those are all great apps. The name of the episodes, yeah.

I bet those are like Mike Eps. at the at the bar at the bar as soon as I came in a young lady goes hey can I get a picture with you and I was like what the hell am I getting I'm getting punked right

like somebody's about to pants me she's Chris Hansen she's 13 why are you why are you here yeah to see rattlesnake milk no I think he came here to get milked

by a nine year old I've got the text to prove it. He calls himself the rattlesnake, though. That is my number. It's creed. When you hear the class, set you up. It's your ass. No, she came down from Denver for the, for the show.

And a buddy of hers was like, oh, shit, if you fucking, if you see Lund. The legend. She sent me, she sent me the screenshot. This is from Robo. and she goes, or he says to her, Trinidad, I love it. There's a place called Trinidad Lounge that I love to have cheap drinks at. One of my favorite obscure stand-up comedians works there when he's not on the road. And I've tried to run into him and buy a hat every time I've been there with no luck.

Love the bar, though. And then he was surprised that we had rattlesnake milk because that's like a bigger show. And she said, this place is pretty cool. and he said, I've only been there in the middle of the week, hoping to creep on that comedian bartender, though. So, yeah, just a funny, as soon as I'm in there, get a picture with her to send to him. Kimmers is her Insta. She have them? She was a cute little young lady.

Who cares? I don't know. Yeah, I'm not sure whether she had them or not. Well, guess what? Yeah, I couldn't yawn any louder. Well, let me say this, whether you've got them or not, you can get hard thanks to hymns. All right. You don't need to have them anymore to get hard.

That was a real jackknife into the pool. Thanks to science. You want to talk about getting hard and seeing science be completely proven incorrect. One, well, look, this is just a little teaser. Brent Gill, full front flip into the pool off the diving board. Nailed it. Awesome. Full flip.

And then to the point where he landed like pencil with his feet through the water. It was amazing. It was like amazing. Nice. First time ever doing that. First time in a decade. 25 years. He hasn't been on a diving board.

And this motherfucker says, I'm going to do a front flip. And I'm like, hey, buddy, no, you're not. You weigh as much. much as I do right now. All right. You're not going to do it. Gravity applies. I know you're bald.

I know you're medically bald. You're sleeker than a baby seal shot out of a cannon covered in loob. All right. I get it, buddy. You're not going to do it front flip within four tries. Front flip. Insane. Insane.

So I was, you know, that was the second hardest that I've been. The first hardest that I've been is taking Hymns brand boner enhancer. that's right you've already tried pretending nothing is wrong you've tried making the weird excuses you've already got mad about it you've already drove a couple of them away why not keep this one she's a nurse is that in the copy that's the first line He made a couple weird excuses. Yeah. That sucks.

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I was playing with the honey and I got a bunch of ant bites on it. Do you want to look at it? Do you want to take my word for it? Okay. Listen, how about you do 50 laps around the track, 60 miles an hour, rattling in your cage? Yeah. Tell me you can get rock hard and perform, rise to the occasion. No.

Look. Dale Earnhardt Jr. doesn't get sucked right after a race. He's got to recuperate. God needed a driver. And I need to have a driving glove on if I'm going to get hard. And I don't have my gloves. All right? With options like hard mints and sex RX plus climax.

control. The whole process is totally online and brings expert care straight to you. Stop with the awkward excuses and get some results already. You know I can't get hard on Lyndon Bain Johnson's birthday. Week one is right around the corner. Week one is Thursday. You expect me to be able to concentrate and give you pleasure. I have three drafts tomorrow. Okay. What am I going to do? Take Jamar Chase and all three of them. No, I want to have fun this year. I don't just want to win. she's leaving she's holding her suitcase at the front door you're like okay yeah why don't you show off that you have a suitcase because i have to travel with a trash bag for all my stuff i'm in pillowcases and trash bags wait i'm so hard right now get over here get over here get in the

swing online access to personalized affordable care for ed hair loss weight loss and more visit Hymns.com slash chubby. That's Hymns.com slash chubby for your free online visit. Hems.com slash chubby. Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan. Featured products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Hems. And there is another one, believe it or not. I saw a scary commercial today, all right? I'm sorry.

I was watching Fear Factor, and I saw a scary commercial. What do you want me to do? The show was scary enough. I thought that I had a little break from the scares, but no. There I am. Next thing I know. Your Factor's advertisers are like, well, fear is in the name, so the commercial should probably also be scary. There's probably a factor in the advertising as well.

And if they're old, they're on VC, like he's recorded them. Honored houses. Local haunted house. Yeah, exactly. So he has seasonal ads for haunted houses from 2003. He's like, I don't know if you remember, but Bride of Chuckie was in theaters. And I don't want to see that. I don't want to be reminded.

So yeah, I can't get hard. I'm so sorry. You ever try being hotter? Maybe blame yourself for this. Yeah. Maybe if your tits didn't look like a riddle, all right? Maybe if God didn't hand you out extras on Hooter Day, it wouldn't have been of such a problem. Why is he going to talk to my friend about advertising? Becker, I'm glad that you had a good time in Vegas.

A lot of times in Vegas, people come away big losers. And there's a lot of people running scams out there, you know, three card money type stuff. it's easy for a pink man yeah where you got their shoes we've probably all been scammed before but cash app is here to cut it off right away cut what off uh okay the being scammed not your penis not your rock hard dick no when you get the cash app card not only do you get access to a ton of perks and benefits like exclusive early access to nationwide concert pre-sales or discounts on popular brands, but you also have extra security with the power to instantly lock or unlock your card right from your phone in just one tap.

Tap. Sam? I got nothing. Well, you got mad last time when I stepped on the cash app. Well, so I don't know like what is what we're allowed to riff on, but we're not allowed to riff on. It's just all verbatim. I don't know.

With cash app, you can spend, save, and live your life knowing your money is right where you left it with advanced built-in security, protections you count on, and help when you need it. spend with peace of mind today and order a cash app card in the app or at cash. dot app slash card for a limited time only new cash app customers can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash for real just download cash app use our exclusive referral code chubby in your profile send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right into your account terms apply that's money that's cash app cash app is a financial services platform not a bank, banking services provided by Cash Apps bank partners, prepaid debit cards issued

by Sutton Bank, member FDIC, instant discounts provided by Cash app, a Block Inc brand. Visit Cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Cash app. Catch it. Cash it. No, I wasn't detached from you. I just didn't know what was going to get us in trouble. And you were very upset at the last time. So this is me, learning and growing and becoming a better partner for you. Thank you. Well, there's a fine line. There's a balancing act, right, between saying the copy and also making it fun and funny.

Right. Engaging. So I thought maybe I'd let you in there, but you didn't have anything. That's fine. There's also like a fine line between like not selling any tickets and selling a few tickets. And right now, we're not selling any tickets for Mohegan Sun this upcoming weekend. So if you guys want to come out, that'd be absolutely huge. That'd be mega.

Columbus, Ohio. I'm there on Sunday during opening night of football. I'm definitely not canceling. I should have. I'm pissed. I'm mad at you. Matt at me. At me?

No, well, Becker, you, everybody. I'm going to be taking it out on everyone and anyone who goes to the addict comedy club for the two shows that we're doing. I thought it was one. So anyway, come to those. Come to Sacktown. Why not? Hey, what about that town, pussy?

And then a stress factory as well. Yeah, 9-11 weekend. Come out to New Brunswick. And again, if you are able to bring Talercios to the stress factory, that would be huge. Please let us know. We will pay for it and your sandwich. Tickets are not comp. No, yeah.

You can meet us in the parking lot. We'll take them. You can get a picture with Becker. not with me not with you know not with the stars of the show but yeah becker will be out there to receive the sandwiches give you a picture he'll tell you uh what car you you should be driving yep and then beckers assholes you can see both his holes if i still have the second one i will show it to you for that sandwich jake well human bowling ball becker will be receiving all sandwiches at the stress factory and austin texas there's going to be uh that'll be a nice time lund will be there yeah

Yeah, making my mothership debut. Yeah, it's going to be tough. I was going to say this weekend, one show Thursday, one show Friday. Huge. Yeah, perfect. So that's nice. And we're in the Mohican Sun campus because we're in a casino that's not called Mohegan Sun.

It's called like Center of the Earth. So it's a whole metropolis. We have to take a trolley to the bus that takes us to the show. But we're staying right in the, we're staying in the casino. know, so I'm coming home with no money. Yeah, I wish I would have thought about, um, are you going to hang out Sunday? Me? Yeah.

I actually go to Columbus. Remember the whole I'm going to Columbus and I'm not canceling the show? Yeah, I forgot. I know I should because I deserve it and I work too hard and, you know, just one guy. Here's this. You're something about my weekend. Yes. Okay.

Let's get to your stuff. Thanks for being patient. I want to hear about Becker's stuff. I heard the following phrase maybe a thousand times this weekend. Yeah, that's probably the move. Or maybe that's the move between Luke and Keith and Brent Gill and Mel here conspiring, scheming. So last night at like 1 a.m. when we were in the basement because Emily had to go to work today for her first time at work. Oh, sure.

I was in the basement, and they were talking about something to do with, like, okay, if we can get milk, like, look, protein bars are coming from somewhere. All you need is the way. But if we can buy some cows, we can get the milk, we can make cheese. And then when we make cheese, we have the way and we make protein bars. And Keith said, man, maybe that's the move. And I said, you know what, it's never going to be the move. It's never the move, boys. I've been hearing you two jerk-offs say to each other for 15 years

about the dumbest, most hairbrained, pointless, thoughtless schemes. Oh, maybe that's the move. Oh, dude, that's probably the move. Has it ever been the move? Have you guys ever figured out the move? So that's just fresh on my mind about how it's never been to move. 40 companies over the years have tried to make protein bars that taste good, but we'll figure it out. Yes, we're smart guys.

We're smart guys. We're hustlers. And look, we're making the cheese, so the protein bars are the backup plant. It's free money. Double dip. Yeah. Classic double dip. Classic dub, dub.

Oh, maybe that's the move. I stood up in front of the white couch and said, it's never going to be the move. It never has been the move. You guys don't know how to move, all right? I know moves. These are not moves, gentlemen. So that, I just remember that when we were talking about cash app because there was a bunch of financial schemes. were being hatched, like, you know, like if you fucking cash it.

If you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, if you, that's, that's, that's the money. And then one of them's not going to be there come Monday, but you got that money over the weekend. And it's just like, you're just doing check fraud. This is, this is just different frauds, you guys are. And then of course, it's, oh, that's, that's the move. It's not the move, boys.

No one's moving. You're not real G's. You're not lasagna. God bless you. I love you all. Um, this, this was another thing that is just been cracking me up. Okay. So as we remember from Charlotte, the gun to your head while the guy's sucking your dick, right? Of course. Okay. Yes. So we, we have that. Right. So there, there we are. We're on the street. Okay. Guns to my head. I'm getting my dick sucked. Okay. so we zoom out of that and we're in a courtroom all right and there's a judge and there's a jury and i'm i'm seated you know and uh i have a lawyer you know and it's me versus the state of

north carolina you know because due to some old-timey law i was committing sodomy even though it was at gunpoint. All right. So it's very damning evident. It's all on tape. Okay. And my my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,

he flips his sunglasses up, you know, and he says, hey, you know, I know this is pretty fucked. It's pretty, pretty, pretty damning. But hey, you know, what would you have done? That's when the judge stands up. And he says, ladies and gentlemen, the jury. I've never done this in my 40 years on the bench, but I'm going to rescind your right as a jury of his peers to decide whether or not this man is guilty of sodomy. Because I, myself, have been sucked at gunpoint.

And what would you do? What would you do if it was your family that you had to think about your brains being splattered all over the courthouse because you refused to get sucked? Who amongst us would not be sucked? so I'm throwing out these charges Mr. Talent you were a free man okay so we have that then it zooms out and it's Jake Becker in a board meeting he's sitting across the big desk with a man who is clearly a Hollywood power Titan and the man is very confused Becker's sitting there very satisfied just smiling kind of like I risk my case I miss my look do you need to hear anymore and the guy's like so what is this and he's like well that's the show

you know sam gets sucked at gunpoint gets in trouble that's the whole show and the guy's like this isn't a show this is like two like freeze frames of a man who got sucked off at gunpoint and he's in trouble or something like i don't understand is this is this a comedy sketch no this is the show i know you keep saying this is the show mr becker but that doesn't answer my questions. All right, you can keep, you can keep leaning back in your chair and putting your hands up flat by your sides. It's still not selling this to me.

I am the head of a major media corporation. What am I supposed to do with this? Look, I think our time here is over. And Becker says, oh, do you? Stands up. Put the gun to the guy's head. And he's like, ah, what? He's like, hey, you didn't like what, what, he's like, hey, you didn't like what,

saw on the screen. He's like, well, I don't know. Maybe we could rewrite it. Like, look, you know what, look, this, you know what this means, right? And the guy's like, all right. And he starts to drop his pants because he thinks Becker's going to suck him. And that's when Becker says, wrong. And puts the gun to his own head, holds him his own head at gunpoint.

so the guy has to suck him off even though that makes and then he's like now who makes sense you know so that that has been really the most important work i've done all weekend that's where you that's where you went while every while your buddies were talking about how they were going to make their nut oh dude that that that notion of pitching that making that that's what that's the kind of stuff i want to make just the twist of like the guy like going to drop his pants and becker going uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-look-look I'll say this this weekend was honestly the best this whole thing could have gone when did you get when did you feel like shit

yesterday I just I was pretty much over it you know like yesterday was Sunday or yesterday it was Monday and I woke up and was just kind of like out of it and then like we went to the casino and like Keith instead of hanging out with this look I'm just going to start from the top all right yeah Wednesday night all right Brent Gill's coming to town I'm over I go over to Emily's grandma's house you know she had the bag operation recently I'm over there I'm chilling because she lives near the airport. Susanna's there. We're throwing down.

You know, we're raising hell. Hannah comes over to pick up Susanna. She says, oh, you're picking up Brent. And Susanna says, who's Brent? And I say, he almost played a huge role in your life, Susanna. Because there was like a moment when like Brent and Hannah might have hooked up. And we were all like, is this going to happen? It didn't.

But then there was that picture of Susanna when she looked exactly like Brent Gill. Do you remember that picture? When Susanna was like a fresh wet fetus and she looked exactly like 38-year-old man, Brent Gill. Kind of. I'd love to see the picture again. I'm going to try and find it. We'll post it on the Patreon. Patreon.com slash show behemoth.

Five bucks a month. So anyway, so Brent shows up. We get Brent. Brent's in. Next morning, Sophie and Mel arrive. And we pick them up. and we go and we get you we actually descended upon my mother-in-law's house because we had nowhere to go because susanna has a hornet allergy so emily had to take her to the allergist blah blah blah

we went over to sus this house suz entertained us it's fun she's spilling the tea on everyone's you know stuff sophy and her chopping it up launch a week uh post right post watch a week uh catch up who's got them who doesn't have them anymore and everyone knows it but we can't talk about it That kind of thing. So, yeah, so we scoop them up. And then we, that was Thursday night. So we had a bunch of Yemeni food. We had a bunch of Yemeni food.

That was good. That night we went and we have dinner with the whole family. Jerry's there. I get a team up Jerry and Brent Gill. Grandma, Geraldine, you know, 95 years young, Brent Gill, into it. Historically, into that whole scene. Yeah, yeah. Letting it be down.

Be older the better. Mm-hmm. the more withered the berry the less likely the juices to get pregnant with his baby um so yeah brent's in his element he's vibing he's feeling it's moving it around you know jerry's batting her lashes brent had to parallel park her car for her so like as soon as that happened jerry was like oh i'm glad i wore the big diapers you know So yeah, that night, we took it rather easy after we ate dinner because Emily and Brent played golf at like 7 a.m. the next day. So there's the first night. No one's raised any hell. Nothing bad's gone down. Next day, there's some golf. You know? Just the two of them? Just the two of them. and like some guy you couldn't be bothered i don't golf yeah yeah i'm not a big golf it wouldn't it wouldn't be easier fun to just try to go along to be there and right because you're just going to be chasing your ball and being pissed yeah okay yeah makes more sense i mean i'm like just

go not really that easy to no brent golf's like a good golfer too and emily's a decent golfer uh you know, for someone who doesn't golf. So they had a lot more fun without me because I don't play the sport that they were playing. Who was the other guy? Some dude that was just like they had a two-sum and they added a one guy to their group. I don't know. I guess he was an EMT of some kind. I'm trying to think of like any like horrific accidents or like malfeasance, but there really

wasn't any. I mean, look, the people that you would assume are using psychoactive substances are still using them. To a worrisome degree, maybe, you know, who are we to judge? I don't know if you need that many drugs to, you know, have a nice time at the park with the people who love you most in the world. But hey, we're all, we all live in a glass house. That's all. Brent Gill, he didn't blow it. You know, he went to the casino after playing golf. He could barely move. He wandered around like a toddler and it was fine. He's very bald now.

He's like, I don't know, like, he maybe had it removed by fire or something. Like he's not a burn victim, but he's smooth. It's like glass. Yeah. Yeah. It's got a shine to it. Well, he has one of those pit bull grooming devices. Yeah.

So he's always just polishing his bean upstairs, constantly polishing the bean. Is that the, yeah, the, looks like a little Roomba or whatever? It's for regatone stars. Yeah, it's like that technology shouldn't have fallen in his hands. You were real closely shorn I saw on the boat. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm doing a one now. Emmy's doing a one just weekly.

She's going to hit me with a one and that's who I am. I'm a bald man. That sounds good. It's fine. That sounds good. It's all right. I got a bunch of cool hats and, you know. When Jerry passes on many years from now, someone's getting those wigs.

Maybe it'll be the one guy who gives a shit about him. The guy who for some reason always asks about the wigs every time he sees her. Hello. Hint, hint, Jerry. So I don't want any money. I just want the fucking wigs, Jerry. Those are good wigs. Those are like Albanian hair wigs, you know?

It was back in the day when, like, people weren't people unless they had a passport. So, I mean. no one blew it horrifically it was honestly great uh we went to jazz fest uh what we went to jazz fest one night and they had oh this was the best dude this is probably the highlight of the weekend okay we're at jazz fest it's on the river walk it's awesome there's food trucks you know it's a lot of all right now type stuff going on it's perfect uh we're smoking joints the cops don't care it's just a real like free you know the backdrop is the river and when you look at this, then the rest, it's the city.

Like, it's awesome. It's a cool, you live in Detroit and you're like, this is sick. This is a cool city. I'm glad to be in it. And they had some, like, insane free jazz going on. That was Thursday night. That was opening night. And it was bizarre.

It was a woman being like, wind, water, earth, fire. Like she was doing Captain Planet stuff. It seemed like, you know, guy playing freak out piano. And then a dude doing loops. and rhythms loops and rhythms with a synthesizer. I love this kind of shit. So I eat some edibles worse. I did just heroic levels of cannabis this weekend. You know, I had the, I had, I called in this was the fucking, this was the A team as far as getting high all day. Yeah. I mean, we've got Tremel Cooks. He's rolling up blunts. We've got Luke. He can't not smoke something for

eight minutes. You know, Keith, kind of a raccoon type guy. He's scraping it up. He's putting it together. Brent Gill came in with eight different eights. We're sampling them. You know, I've got my puff go. I stocked up on Hunahash. It's go time. We're doing it. Fuck.

There's some pills. Whatever. You know, big deal. Okay. So, uh, there's some pills. There's various nasal sprays going around. I'm not engaging in nasal sprays but boy howdy do these guys keep their noses wet it's allergy season it's allergy season you know that's a lot of pollen in the air up here i get it you know you need it

when you wake up you need it you need to fall asleep with it in your hand i understand you know that nasal spray you need to hiss at someone when they ask if they can use your nasal spray and you can say i only brought enough nasal spray for all my friends bitch i don't know you that happened at emily's birthday whoa yes A rando wanted a taste? Not a rando. A very integral part of Emily's social structure. She was having an allergy attack.

And there wasn't enough medicine to go around at that point on Sunday, you know? Maybe Friday before the casino. Everyone's nose was running at the casino. Not me, not my wife. The people, and I'm not saying this protect people, the people you would expect to be, you know having a nice time they're having a nice time and then my sister god bless her was not a screaming menace at no point you know was she uh the right hand of death herself uh you know mel got sleepy a couple times big deal uh brentgill wandered off you found mel first out

mel slump because mel's also eating a lot more than everyone else mel loves to eat so yeah there was no one blowing it, but at jazz night, uh, I'm standing by the, they had a VIP section that was closest to the stage with a bunch of chairs. They were unoccupied. And then they had the steps. It was in the heart center or heart plaza, if you know, Detroit. Uh, and then people were watching from the steps. Well, I'm standing. I'm holding onto the gate with all these like, I'm also dressed like such a prick. I was so concerned that I look like the Joker. I had a green, that green car heart breathable. It's like interior of a Lincoln town car from 87 green, like he lime. And then I had my French searsucker jacket and my little French petite chapeau and then my green insane

pants that were made linen. So I was power clashing. I had greens and blues. But when I got in the car, I was like, oh, fuck. Do I look like I'm trying to be the Joker? And everyone laughed way too hard but we were already moving so it was too late but i had like the i had the lapels of the shirt popped over you know i had the cuffs rolled up so there was green on the cuffs and green on the lapels it was very i wanted to look like a jazz guy in detroit i understand yeah you knew there's going to be some people showing out i wanted some young bloods to all right now me yeah that's the kind of vibe i'm trying to establish like this isn't my first jazz fest all right i built the saddles for the rodeo that you're riding young man i just firmly believe that a white guy with lapel on the outside

and the cuff sleeves leans more disco than it leans jazz i would have killed to have been labeled as a disco enthusiast okay and not a and not a james you know james homes stand that's that was my big fear is that this was a real soft target to start with and uh i don't want people wondering how they're going to get these scars so anyway i'm standing at the fucking gate you know just leaning on it, like vibe into this insane free jazz that everyone's pissed off about except for me and like two other like stoners. And this, this dude, this Keith-esque young man shows up to where I'm standing. And he says, doesn't this music fucking rule?

And I went, hell yeah, hell yeah. And he went, isn't it fucked up that these VIP chairs are empty? The people should be right here, man. But they're behind these gates. The only thing that's keeping these gates together is us not doing something about it. I say we get in there and I say dude I love where your head's at but I am so fucking high that I cannot start the class war right now and he laughs and I say but here's what I can do I'm huge and I'll stand here and I will provide my body so you can get this gate open and he says

yes give your body if you can't give your mind give your body and I'm like fucking scared this guy's intense he's clearly on drugs and he he's a brown man I'm a white guy dressed like, you know, I think I'm a poet. It's an insane duo and he's screaming, say, you know, give your body. You can't give your mind, your body. So I stand there as this

a feat man struggles with the gates that are zip tied closed. He doesn't have a tool or anything. He's just rattling him. Really loudly. He's drooling on and he's rattling him. And every now and he's looking up and he's being like, just hold on, man. We're going to get in there.

We're going to get in there. So finally, after two long minutes of me just standing there dog brain with my body in the way of this guy from behind it's my body and I'm like this like rigid like looking up like I don't see what's going on in front of me and then there's a man in front of me you can't see his hands but he's just furiously just going like this and I'm standing in front of 800 people watching jazz so finally he breaks it off he does it and he said all right we did it so he opened it up and then he like turns around and he says to the people he says power to the people but the VIP section is ours we got to get into the VIP they're not here they paid for it but we're here so the only people who mobilize it all are two middle-aged Asian women who I don't think speak any English yeah they think right this way ladies right this way lady they see a man screaming they see me who dressed like you know maybe I work there, you know. I dress like I'm a jazz adjacent type cat. I don't have a brim on my hat. I'm green. I'm

the joker. So they come in and they sit and he's like, all right, man, let's go. And I'm like, dude, I'm not going in there. I'm, you go ahead. So he goes in there. He goes in. He turns around and he's like, come on, we're doing it. And then just like a 60 year old black security woman walks up and she's like, come on, baby. And he's like, what? She's like, come on, baby. And he's like, what? The VIPs aren't here power to the people right like we're here we should be up front she says baby come on baby and he's like man i don't want you to get in trouble but like we should be in here and she says i know baby and he's like all right so he leaves and then she has to shoe out these two Asian women who are very confused because they don't speak any english and they were just driven in here and then she just

comes and she closes it and then the free jazz ended but that was like the last 10 minutes of my experience at the free jazz was being the human wall for the people's army yeah yeah there's tammy had it right because there's not a lot you can say you can't stay fired up when a you know black woman security guard is saying hey baby come on right do that come she totally took care of it in the best way he couldn't yeah there's nothing you can do except listen and well this was this guy's all tomorrow you know like he's he's going back to the co-op tomorrow and saying how he was the spark and the change he wanted to see in the world and i'm stoned behemoth wearing insanely different colored clothes just giving my body so i guess i guess we can i mean we could keep

talking right now we haven't even gotten to like the party but no it's time to say goodbye we got to save it yeah the party will be on the next one or this week's Patreon. Yeah, yeah. Thank you guys for bearing with us. I mean, I really don't think you have any right to be mad. He's still got your thing. And I lost no sleep over this decision whatsoever. You know, this was the only, this was the first time that the three of us could do an episode together. And that's what people want. So you got it. Hey, did you guys want Becker, Lund, and Pat for your free one no so give us a little time all right or we'll give you we'll give you fucking three weeks of no reynolds all right remember we decide who lives and dies no but we love you guys and

thanks for bearing with this i was doing triage party starting for and you know what shout out to my wife shout out to my sister no one blew it uh luke i love you i'm a little worried you know but what are you going to do uh i love i love everyone and i'm glad you guys came and uh spent this beautiful time with my wife and introduced you to her family. And again, it went off without a hitch. I'm so proud of everybody. Went off without a bitch. No, no, no. We'll talk about the party on though. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, yeah. And we'll be together this weekend, recording this weekend. No, no Becker. Right. No Becker. Yeah, but he'll be in New Brunswick. He'll be in Sacramento. By the way, if anyone has a hookup at the Sacramento History Museum,

I really want to go to their their printing plant that they have in there because those guys are the best and Austin, Texas, Becker will be there as will Lund. Yeah. Bye. Columbus.