Chubby Behemoth - It’s One Word Twice

Episode Date: November 17, 2024

SPONSOR: Support the show and get 20% off your Chubbies order with promo code CHUBBY20 at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/chubby20   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam is with Becker and Pat at the comedy condo in Key West preparing to see a haunted doll. Sam has a cool prank idea, ain’t scared of dolls, and doesn’t think the My Buddy doll existed before Chucky. Pat noticed some cool accents on the island, challenges Sam to come up with tricky bugs, and made a new friend down at Laggerhead. Becker has been eating a lot of nougat. The boys have been ruining sunset photos. Sam tells the fellas about his favorite childhood toy.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Sam Talent. We are all at the same level. Sam Talent. Yeah. I need to be louder than everyone else. You are a touch louder than everyone else. Are we recording? Yeah.

Is the button on? The button's on. Ladies and gentlemen, we are coming to you live from Key West, Florida. It is, of course, I, Sam Talent, the humble steed, the burro from hell. I'm joined, as always, by my sturdy assistant, my main man. He's been producing Wide World down here. He's undefeated. Jacob Becker, everyone. I'm not producing Wide World down here, but I appreciate that.

No, you have been. You've been such a fucking asset, bro. Good. I've asked you to call people. You've called people. You went out and you found a bunch of treats that we can give to a doll. Oh, they're exciting. I can't wait to see them. Maybe we should reveal them on the pod. There will be a reveal on the pod. Okay. And of course, the silent podna that rides in the shadows, they call him the Mole Man

because if you see him on your skin, you're probably going to get sick. Please, welcome to the microphone the deflated the masturbated Patrick the animal Richardson. What's up everyone Ricky spider bites here coming from you live coming to you live from Key West I am sun drenched and I am stiff as a board that is not laying down his head has just shrunk I have a tiny head now like not a little juice show. It's not a perspective thing. Yes. Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle records on display here in Key West. A bunch of old guys. This is a good place for if you're an old man who realizes it's too late in life

that you can't be rude to women if you want them to stay, this is your vacation destination non-paralleled. Yeah, that is the guy here. A lot of crocodile men. Lots of people with Boston accents. Yeah. That's because we've been hanging out with Joe List's family. I think that might be warping your perspective.

Besides them. Even just around. Yeah, a lot of leathery people that have Northeastern accents. A bunch of Drew Bledsoe truthers. Yeah. Wandering around out there. A bunch of lawyer Malloy's. Yeah. Huh?

Tai Law. Tai Law. Yeah. Think about that. Before we get into Key West recap, I do want to explain to the people what's been tickling me today. Uh, I've been considering hiring a haggard old dwarf to pretend to be my niece Susanna in order to prank Susanna's mother

I think it'd be very funny if Hannah went to pick up her daughter from preschool and when she arrives a small person Who has the same hair and backpack and clothing as the daughter she dropped off that morning? That morning comes out to the car and is like, hey mommy, can we get ice cream? And Hannah's like, this isn't my daughter. And everyone who works there is like, yes it is, it's Susanna, she's been such a good girl all the day, she learned all of her letters.

And she's like, yeah mommy, I deserve ice cream, I know all my letters and shapes. And Hannah then calls me and Emily and is like, can you guys come down here? And then we come down there and we're like, yeah, it's Susanna. And I pick up the dwarf and I hold her and I'm like you have a big day at school and she's like yes Unki Sammy I had good day at school so that's that's just been kind of making me laugh today. My favorite

part of the bit earlier was that you would recreate older photos that you had of Susu with the dwarf so you could show your sister-in-law. Like well-known photos that we've traded back and forth, you know, your iPhone memories that pop up. If I can somehow hack her phone and implant iPhone memories of us and the Dwarf Susanna, that would really bring me immense joy. This is moving into Psy-op territory. I'm trying to gaslight my sister-in-law into total freakout. You're the CIA. I want to break her mind. Yeah, I mean, if you want to make a Ted Kaczynski, you have to break a couple heads.

I'm turning my sister-in-law into Ted Kaczynski. Well, my sister-in-law does fear technology and she wants to put an end to the tightening digital grip that has us all in its palm. So yeah, and I think we do that by pranking her into thinking that like, I don't know, a 42-year-old chain-smoking Latino dwarf is actually her beautiful daughter. Did you recently watch the documentary about the girl who's accused of this? Brother, this came to me just sitting on this couch, exhausted. Yeah, this one came straight from Christ.

There is a woman who's suing a family who accuses her of being in her late 30s but pretending to be a 12 year old to get adopted and that she terrorized the family and was apparently like pretty violent. They just like left her in a town. What? And the court found on the family's side, but now she's suing them for like What and the court found on the family side, but now she's suing them for like Mistreatment because she's trying to prove she is a child like through science wait they ditched there They left the kid in the in like in a town home and left and just like didn't tell them where they were going At least it was a town home. That's a good place to be left if you're gonna home alone for a while It's a weird thing. I think she might be 36

That's my age. I think it's a con lady. Either way, she's tiny. She's like just fucking push just put a little cup on her head. Maybe I can get her to come in and be Susanna. Yeah, that's the one. That'd be great. The best child imposter in the game. Give me the Mickey mantle. She needs a gig. I finger painted. Can we go roller skating? And then she's just like smoking and texting the whole time Susanna? Where do you get a phone? I want up. I want an espresso. I need I need something to open my eyes Your hands are shaking Yeah, so anyway, I don't know if we got to the all the way to the meat of that thing

But I just wanted to make sure that I brought it up on the pod. It's pretty great. We are going to see a haunted doll soon. Well, I don't know if we should really bring it up. Bonzo's really afraid. Where is Bonzo? Bonzo's in the bathroom with Joe, I believe. They're 69ing in there.

Okay, they're 69ing in the tub. But we do have some presence so Key West is a home to a bunch of spooky nonsense and most paramount amongst them besides the remnants of the thing we call slavery is the fact that We are going to visit Robert the doll Becker you know a lot about Robert the doll is bonzo in the bathroom with you Joe Becker you know a lot about Robert the doll is Bonzo in the bathroom with you Joe? Okay if Bonzo wants to come out here and tell us what he knows about Robert the doll that would be huge because Bonzo said that he got really really

stoned and then all of his friends left and he was stuck to the couch watching a Robert the doll documentary and it really scared the shit out of him it kind of scared him as much as if you thought that your daughter was been turned into a middle-aged dwarf Yeah, he got rocked to the core. Yeah, so he's like legitimately scared to go because guess what? We're gonna disrespect the haunted doll There's no spoilers here you guys know who you're dealing with We're gonna be rude to the door. We're not fucking retards. We we know it's not haunted. I'm not scared of a doll. I'm not a baby.

All right and I'm also not a 13 year old boy who's afraid he's gonna get caught by his dad. I don't play with dolls. I ain't scared of dolls. The only dolls that I care about are the New York dolls and I have all their stuff on vinyl. Well I do. I'm a rock and roll guy. Come to Key West, I rock, I roll, I lose control. I bring all my vinyl down to Key West. You know what, I said, bitch, I can't afford to bring you down because I'm bringing all my seven inches.

But to be safe. Some of them were sandwiches, yes. Yes they were. They were little mini-substitutes. My doctor said I could have because there wasn't a lot of nitrates. But yeah, so as a rocker, there's a lot of nitrates but yeah so as a rocker there's a lot of things I don't care about anything by the who after Keith Moon died I don't care about helmet laws and I ain't afraid of no

dolls look I don't have to wear a helmet it's technically not a motorcycle there's three wheels all right that? That's right. Yes. But we are gonna bring some gifts for Robert. Just to keep. We're bringing him digital little short movies. Digital gifts. Oh, gifts with the teats. Okay.

And so that Bonzo doesn't end up haunted for life because he is worried that we're gonna. We're bringing an offering to the doll. Yes. If anyone gives us any guff, I'm gonna say, you know what? I ain't never met no haunted doll before. I don't know protocol, bro. And we got it some spiced rum. Yeah, and this is like, this is like a full fucking bottle for Robert. That's a handle. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine his little sailor suited hands. He wears a sailor suit. I'm supposed to be afraid of a doll who wears a sailor suit and lives in a glass house near the airport.

Shut up. Apparently it's who Chucky is based on. Yeah, and guess what you can do to Chucky? Dropkick it? Yeah. Yeah, fuck Chucky. Put him in a pillowcase and throw him in the water. Just like any other ginger. If Robert the doll comes for me, I know my fucking rights.

I'm gonna pull my pistol, I'm gonna blow its little sailor cap all the way to Kingdom Come. Yeah, we're in Florida, stand your ground. Yeah, look. Hey, doll, I got two words for you I'm not saying I'm on the pot But as a haunted doll I bet you think I'm all the time and you probably say him it's just one word twice So we're gonna bring him a little bottle of Captain Morgan spiced rum Yeah, that's good cuz he's kind of spicy himself

Yeah him a little bottle of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum. Yeah. That's good because he's kind of spicy himself. Yeah and if he gets liquored up maybe he'll forget what we said to him and not haunt Bonzo. Is he a Caribbean doll? Oh is he iry? I don't know. I'll pull up the info on him here in a moment. Is he all fucked up on to Tostones? He might be a Tostones. Oh my phone is the camera. He might be a Tostones freak. My phone is the camera. That's a fun thing. What do you got? Yeah, sure, but we want to ask you some questions really quick. Bonzo, will you talk to us about the doll or not? Where are you going? You've seen the documentary.

Where are you guys going? A chase a little poosay? Where are you babes going? You're going to Blue Heaven. Okay, sure. Whatever. You don't have to lie. Just say we're going to get some strange. Joe? Bring me a cocktail. I promise Bree.

I'd go, oh, I'm driving. Nevermind. I promise Bree that if you died I would marry her too. And I don't want to have to do that. Get a whole key lime pie. Alright. Don't get a whole key lime pie. We have to interview a doll in an hour. We could eat it after we get haunted. Oh, a little victory key lime pie? Yeah.

Hey, get a whole key lime pie. Tell them Sam T sent ya. See if they can make it into like a nacho helmet type thing. That'd be sick if they made him a hat, a key lime pie hat. It'd be dope with just a meringue topping. Yeah, but then they're walking here

and a bunch of fucking roosters start savaging their heads. Joe's like, oh dude, stop, rooster! Stop it dude! It's breaking open my skull. Bonzo's like, I'm Bonzo? I'm scared of a doll. Okay so we got it a little snifter. A little drink for it to have. This is gonna be hard to show on camera. Okay what is it a swan? It's my favorite one. It's Robert's name, but it disappears into the waves on this keychain. It's lithographic. What?

So we thought that'd be really fun for a little robear. What, so we can hypnotize it and do a sense of belonging? Yes. Oh, sick! Whoa, the waves are crashing on his name! Yeah, the waves crash over the name Robert on the keychain. Oh, this is an old magic that's gonna scare him. It might haunt him. Yeah. It might scare him. That's the trick. Let's show him that one last as not to. Well I think what we need to show him last. This is good this is good he can

use this on his Chrysler Pacifica when he drives to doll work his work his job. The car that all haunted things. He works on dollhouses. Yes. But last but not least. Yes. Awesome. We got our boy Robert. A bit. A new girlfriend. We got him a bit. Yeah, we got him a bit. Dude, I don't know. That's kind of giving him a handle and a lady. He might, I don't know what's going to happen with him and that lady. He's a gentleman. Robert haunts people without their consent, but he doesn't lay hands and fingers and digits on people without their Remember that guy's name from earlier? Ray Pissed

I'm meeting you my name is Ray Pissed. Hi, I'm unfortunately named Ray Pissed and I am in fact pissed about it. I am on the sexual offender registry but not for rape. Raymond is my middle name but I chose to go by it. I thought it would work. I seem like a real Ray Pissed when I bought a solo Barbie doll at a CVS earlier tonight. Oh yeah, you went in and bought like a fucking 930 Barbie doll in your pink shirt wearing your Panama Jake hat. That's all I had, yes. Damn, dude.

Did you pay cash? Were you wearing gloves? I used my car. Didn't think about that. But then on the walk away, two Latina ladies yelled at me from the curb, nice pink, and were laughing at my shirt while I was holding a Barbie doll in a bag.

Wow. Yeah. And then you bought a pack of moldy cigarettes. I did get a pack of moldy cigarettes. You got the whole Key West experience. I like how this is just Barbie, too. It's not like nurse Barbie or like let's ride horses Barbie. It's just Barbie.

And then the dress seems like it was made of scrap dresses. Yeah, it's like the liner from another Barbie clothing line. We thought Robert would like it more if she didn't have a profession. Yeah, he likes more of like a drifter, like a loose kind of freedom seeking lady. Yeah. With her hair in the wind and her eyes on the road. All the other ones were a bit beach themed, and we didn't want Robert to be upset about being locked inside.

Oh, yeah. Well, you know what they say, those who live in glass cases shouldn't throw curses That's true in an attempt to gain a little more context for the listener. This is a doll that Has terrorized people for years on this island. Is that so Becker you know a lot about him because you read useless facts weekly Yeah, I know that the people that like made him a big deal or known conmen con men What did they do they did like the they did like? Exorcist stories that amityville was the big one they did I was they made the five dollar footlong 12 bucks So they just make haunted houses No

but they like they do this thing where they would approach people with kind of something of a story and then flesh it out in a PR idea of how to sell it and then make it a destination so that the Amityville horror thing became a thing that got sold as film rights and book rights and they brought these people in a lot of money and so they're behind the Amityville horror and Robert the doll and a bunch of other shit so they're fucking hucksters man dozens of things yeah so these aren't just people who like found a paranormal thing or creeped out by this doll to the Point where they had to share with people these are PT Barnum asked hi yeah, these are Barnum ask god damn it Okay, so I have nothing to be afraid of no

I'm not a cuz I have I mean things are on the upswing for old Sam T. Yeah, everything's coming up roses right now I cannot afford to hit a fucking curse speed bump. No none of us can afford any Additional you're fine. Maybe this will reverse your curse. I thought of that. Yeah cool to hit a fucking curse speed bump. No, none of us can afford any additional shit. You're fine, maybe this will reverse your curse. I thought of that, that would be cool. Yeah, so like a negative number plus a negative number equals a positive number. Yeah, I wake up and my beard's coming back.

Uh-huh. Yeah. That would be cool. You no longer smoke, you don't have female wasting disease anymore. Yeah. You wake up next to a dwarf and it's not my niece. I've been eating a quarter pound of nougat every night though and I think that might be helping. You have been. You absolutely have. You've been getting god damn. That didn't even feel good. I lied. I've eaten a half pound of nougat every night.

Not your Turkish ass being delighted every night. I've spent an astonishing amount of money on Turkish delight. Becker's got his groove back. He just had to go to the Caribbean to get his groove back. How much money do you think you've dropped on Turkish Delight? It's over $200. Damn, you're the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe ass over here. Wow, you're Mr. Tumnus. It rocks. And not only have you been eating Turkish Delight, you've been getting new kinds of Turkish delight every night you had like a you had a key Lime you had a persimmon you had a pomegranate lemon cherry

Yeah, the the kiwi and the pomegranate are the best kiwi was very have one. Yeah, you want a kiwi? Yeah, I heard they're gonna let you back there so you can start making your own concoction I mean Becker you have but you're just the mysterious man who comes in there every night at exactly the same time. They have to let you see how the Turkish Delight is made. He's given me a hefty discount the last two nights. How hefty of a discount. Pretty good. How much is a pound of Turkish Delight? It's like 20 bucks. Oh no, a pound is 45. 45? Yeah. So I was like, 20 is a lot, but 45 for a pound. Yeah, so you've dropped at least $100 in Turkish delight. I think it's like it just at 200 because I bought a bunch of baklava for everybody at the club one night too

Sure did. Yeah Time I've seen you walk into the green room at the comedy club. You've had a box of It's some sort of dessert dude. I tell you, it's not so good. I love it. It's like fine. No, I love it. It kind of has a circus peanut type quality to it. Yeah.

I adore it. It's so good and it's like enough fruit and sugar. It lights my brain up. It gives me a good little serotonin hit. You're getting off on the Turkish delight? Yeah, 100%. So you're like C.S. Lewis. Yes.

What? Yeah. C.S. Lewis. What about it? Wrote the line, the witch and the wardrobe, which introduced Turkish delight to the American reader. Because when the boy goes into the wardrobe, Mr. Tumnus approaches and he has Turkish delight.

And he says, would you like some Turkish delight? And the little boy goes, oh, I sure would, Mr. Thomas. And then that's what gets him on the ice queen's sleigh, is Turkish delight. And as a little fat boy, I always wondered, what is it? God, it must be just like the best treat in the world if this kid's willing to trade his safety for it. No, it's not.

It's kind of like if Plato had a little maple syrup spilt into it. I would trade my safety for it. It's so good. You have. You've been wandering into the slums of Key West every night after sundown it goes score some turk as you call it Yeah, I mean new get those fucking rock. It means new gets cool Yeah, you know the one that you got that didn't have any fruit that one I was kind of rocking with that was vibing with the brownie one. Yeah. Yeah, I was like this my partner. Yeah That one was really it was so rich though. Yeah one piece and was done with that one. Wow Yeah, you're truly a strange person

I'm very weird They have a saffron one I'm excited Saffron one this is the same thing as matlock. one. Don't get the saffron one. This is the same thing as Matlock. You're not allowed any re-imaginings. Okay. All right. I'll stick with the ones I know then. Thank you.

I might go in there and see if they will mail me the rest of the kiwi they have. I might dress like Robert the doll when we show up. I might wear a little sailor suit. Fuck. What if I showed up in a glass cube just like Robert? See, this is the only time that I want like producers and like people who work on this show. To bring you shit. To bring you funny props. Right, it's like, well, okay, here's how this show works.

I do a show on Tuesday. A kid named Dax comes in, wild-eyed, unblinking, eyes mostly, toenail scabs. No, he was a sweet kid, handsome, and he says, hey man, you said on stage you guys are looking for cool stuff to do while you're here. Well, I got an in on Robert the doll. And I'm like, oh cool, we can go down there and like joke around, bust his balls. And he was like, I would highly recommend not doing that. He has decimated countless people's lives. You need to write him a letter asking if you're allowed to film him. And then what?

He fucking checks yes or no, like I want to take him to a Sadie Hawkins dance? Yeah. You're a boy. And people send back letters asking forgiveness after the fact? Yeah. What losers are sending fucking letters to a doll? You go out and buy a stamp to send an apology letter

to a doll, you should instead go to sports authority, buy a gun, put it in your mouth, and do one brave thing. Be brave for once in your life. Pat, you kind of hang out with like spooky gals and gem sluts. Would you write a letter to a doll to impress a girl? No. I don't believe in talking to dolls, and I don't believe in them writing letters to dolls. Look, we all had our guys when we were little, you know?

Yeah, we had guys. I was afraid of ET. My buddy Andy Quinn had an ET doll. I was scared. By the way, I think we're going to have Andy Quinn on the pod Thanksgiving week. He hit me up and he says, I'm getting into the pod scene. Can I come on yours?

I was like, yeah, dude, why don't you do your first pod? It's a top 175 podcast. This will be great. Fuck yeah. He's like, I think that Theo Vons got it going on. I was like, Andy, keep that energy, brother. So anyway, he had an ET doll and it scared me. Scariest doll.

I would just I had like the little GI Joe's with very posable guys. Dollar Store GI Joe's were superior because they had many different points of articulation. Yeah. Mostly those. Yeah. Those guys fucking. And I would just like recreate like total recall with them Do you remember I would do wrestling moves with them because they could do power bombs and stuff. Yeah fucking tight

Do you remember my buddy doll? I've met a couple of your friends. I don't care for any of them my Talking about Jordan a kid on my street had a my buddy doll that scared the shit out of me You grew up next to Jordan doll. No, okay, but he looks like a my buddy doll my buddy doll my buddy doll my buddy and me You don't remember that ad. No, of course. I didn't grow up in a television set. I was outside playing with mud Getting tricked by bugs. Yeah, it was like What they're tricky about them strict. Are you a lady spiders spiders are tricky. They set traps Yeah, they literally make webs for you to fall into Yeah, but besides that name one tricky style bug caterpillar. What's tricky about a cat?

It becomes a fucking butterfly next question stupid. What happens in the cocoon? Let us in there big caterpillar. It's not it's fault that you're getting tricked by its metamorphosis Dude, it goes it turns into like a fucking sentient goo and the next thing you know it can fly around like it's gonna go be on God's Christmas tree. You're right, I forget that it like goops up. I don't like thinking about that. You don't think that's tricky. That's, I'm changing sides. Yeah, you are. I'm with you. What about a stick bug? Do you think that that tastes good if you like took a shot of like the butterfly one it's just liquid? I've've eaten I've eaten a metapod before that's a Pokemon well all Pokemon are based in fact that's do gong is just the name of an animal Pat you really want to get

into the weeds with me because they call me the weed wacker bitch I'm down here catching pigeons in the high grass you really blew my mind earlier when you told me that Gengar can learn to swim. I think, yeah, Gengar's the evolution, right? No, yeah, it's ghastly, then Gengar. You need a what to catch it, Becker? Marie stone. You suck.

Trade. Oh, trade, my bad. No, to evolve it, you need to trade it. Okay. In order to find it, you need a slit scope. Oh yeah, that haunted tower. Okay. In order to find it, isn't there one in between? You need a slitscope. Oh yeah, that haunted tower. Yeah. Isn't there one between Gastly and Gengar or is it just the two man? Yeah, it's probably you and you're like this. When I got the- That's what's between the two of them. I got the gas mask bong on. Yeah, it's Becker. Yes. My buddy shoot. It was like it was the doll that I think they actually it was Chuckie

The look of Chuckie. Yeah, but it was scary to me. It came from the show Chuckie I don't think that they had my buddies look go off in the comments Sam T doesn't know shit about late 80s cinema I don't I was born in 87. All right, the wall just fell the world was evolving and changing but I have a hard time believing Hey, we made this cool doll at Mattel. It's called my buddy. How are we gonna sell it? I don't know How about we make a movie about a version of it that comes to life and kills kids based on Robert? Yeah, like that very well could be possible to ever not interviewing Robert Duvall that That almost made me pass out That almost made me pass out in the water the other day.

Here's the setup. Becker gets off the phone. He's like, hey buddy, I got us a fucking big get, alright? There's not many celebrities who live down here, but I got the biggest one. We got Robert the doll. And I hear it from across the beach, and I'm like, for real? And he's like, yep, we're going to meet him at 1130.

And I turn to the guys and I say, did you hear that? We're going to meet Robert Duvall. So then we sit down and we went we write a bunch of questions in order to you know interview, Mr. Duvall You know, what was it like working with Coppola? Do you have any fun Marlon Brando stories? You know, is there any truth to the Zendaya rumors? Do we hear wedding bells in your future and then we get there and it's revealed it's not Robert Duvall and it's Robert the doll and Hilarity ensues. Yep. All the prepared questions are still about the Godfather. Yes, exactly Yeah

Like when you got your Academy Award in 1983 for tender mercies, what was that like? You were boo Radley. Did you read to go set a watchman? To go far to and we're just standing there in front of a doll and there's like the dolls owners are standing around us getting mad And that's just gonna make me laugh more if they're getting pissed off dude if someone scolds me for how I'm talking to the doll We're gonna lose it, but I think the energy's gonna be more you boys are being dangerous than it will be you boys are being rude Like you're, oh you're playing with an ancient magic

Like if you guys wanna do that I'm gonna just leave the room then, I think it's gonna be more So you're gonna leave us alone with the doll? I think that's what that- Well, you're gonna get it back nude Dude He's just holding the Barbie Yeah, I mean if we have all access to the doll... I think there's multiple haunted dolls.

I think we're seeing two haunted dolls. What? The fuck? This is such new news. What? You've been keeping this under your bonnet? No, Bonza was keeping this under his bonnet. Because he didn't want to scare us? I think he's been mulling it over in his head. But the guy said he wouldn't talk that way to Robert,

but that the other doll we could have some fun with. It's a little. What is it, a sex doll? No. This one likes to riff. We can riff with this one. Is it my first and a Nicole? Whoa.

I don't know. I don't know what the secondary doll is. There's a backup doll in case we blow it with Robert. You guys aren't really Robert material. Yeah. Well, I think there's one you can be a little bit goofier with, and then Robert supposedly has ruined more lives. Do I have to fucking genuflect when I meet Robert? Do I have to go in on bended knee?

I don't think so. Robert Hawk, I'm an emissary from the Western Plains. I think we're gonna be fine. I hope so, because Emmy literally was literally was like Sam don't do anything stupid Believed in all sorts of with is she a witchcraft person. She's a doctor Logical mind it's very concrete and inflexible, but when it comes to spooky toys Man yeah, should we shoot a bunch of Kratom before we go there? I'm not going there fucked up on Kratom.

OK. You guys should shoot those right now. No, I'm going to shoot them before Tom Dustin's big movie tomorrow. Oh, wow. Yeah. I'm going to be high eyed. I'm going to be like, man, it really flowed, cat.

That is a fun move. Yeah. OK. Oh, fuck. I didn't stay and get those gummies from Anastasia. She brought us a bunch of gummies tonight Okay, but we're not at the show We Anastasia our friend at the greenhouse and marathon Okay, who let me go behind the counter and ask people if they wanted to buy percocets. Hmm. Yeah

Maybe we should text someone Like no, you don't need any gummies. You have your Turkish delights Yeah, I don't need nature's gummy thousands Gummies. Thousands of milligrams of THC. Becker, you can go back there and sniff around and just flip a coin in front and be like, Hey Stasia, it's me, Beckman. You want to come meet a doll, doll? Okay. See if she wants to go see her cursed dollmate. I don't know. I invited a bunch of people to come meet the doll and all of them passed. Okay.

Everyone was scared. Damn. Oh yeah we're gonna be fine. We're gonna talk a lot of shit. This doll is gonna know who's boss. Joe's scared. He has he said that he didn't want anyone to know but he's like legitimately scared. Oh that rules. I bought a rosary this morning. Did you? Yeah. Well I thought those were fucking Benoit balls. Yeah we just got blessed at the Vatican You're gonna want to wash those those rosaries before you put them around your neck By the way, I'm wearing a shark-tooth necklace and I've been wearing it since we got here and I'm wearing a dolphin necklace Yes, you are earlier today. I got hit by a jet ski

But they got in trouble because I was swimming in manatee water. How about the manatees? How about the chickens? How about the wildlife we've experienced down here sea turt? We saw a sea turtle up in the sea Tee turtle on its back the pelicans are nuts Pelicans were fucking sick. Tell me about your buddy Thornton. Yeah, so we were at a lag ahead I don't know any of the bartenders down in lagerheads. What's the deciding factor for if Tom Dustin wants to go to a bar or not? As if he knows the bartender? Or if it's happy hour. Well it's happy hour, but I don't know any of the bartenders. What was the name of the place you were talking

about going to? A fake place? Yeah. Oh, let's go down to the Thirsty Sponge. It's happy hour. Now there was like a turtle or something. Turtle bees. I don't remember. You know, it was like turtle tasters. Turtle bites. Turtle bites. Turtle bites. Yeah, I think Michelle's working behind the bar.

Turtle bites. Half off painkillers. This is the Patreon. No, I don't know. We're having fun. Why? Well, I was going to say one of the funniest things I've heard is when Tom seriously told me like oh, yeah, I got a spreadsheet for all the good happy hours Yeah, yeah, why was that need to be a patreon? Like a deal, I don't want to make it sound

He doesn't seem like a guy would make a spreadsheet for anything and he has one for the happy hours on the island I mean, that's how you live and die here if you're a local. That's true. You know the happy hours. You know when the four to six o'clock happy hours and you know where the late night happy hour is and you spend like eight dollars a day on food. The late night happy hour is a cool move. Ah man, we were gonna go to fucking turtle bees, but I don't know the chef over there. Ah shit, it's not happy hour for another four hours. Oh yeah, so we were at Lagerheads. Yeah. Four hours. Oh, yeah, so we were at Lagerheads. Yeah LAG ER heads boos And it's like a beachfront bar and there's to be bum beach a street performer told us tonight

That's what Reed said and there's this fat little boy there. He was on vacation with his grandparents. He was a real turtle B He had a route 44 Sonic drink and there was not a Sonic on the island Route 44 Sonic drink. And there was not a Sonic on the island. So I feel like that's his safety Sonic beverage. You know it's like a Thunder blanket for a dog. He goes everywhere with it. And he ate a foot-long hot dog. He fucking crushed a foot-long ripper in like three bites. He was being a madness all around. He was splashing. After he ate that hot dog, remember what he said? What are we gonna have for dinner? And your parents were like, Thornton, you just had 12 inches of meat.

It's my birthday. No, it's not, Thornton. So. I was standing in the ocean watching these pelicans crash down. Which are bad ass, dude. They do not give a fuck about us either. They get so close.

Yeah, they like fucking soar up like this, and then they kind of like turn in like a strange strange cascade and then out of nowhere they become a missile and then just down into the water with their mouths open yeah their mouths open and then they kind of like filter feed on all the delicious cigarette butts that Becker flicks in there and they get up and toss one back yeah there's crush and zin's and then Thornton comes up, he pops up next to me, and he's like, those things are cool, huh? Those birds are cool. I hope one of them doesn't think that my head is a fish and penetrates my skull. He said the word penetrate my skull. Penetrate my skull.

We were like, huh. And I was like, Pat, maybe pop your shirt on when you're talking to Thornton He came up on me and it looked like it looked like there was a breach in the space-time continuum It was like I was a little pad talking to big Pat. I was telling him to not go into that a suzu trooper Whatever you do Whatever you do. Don't go go-karting with Ricky's dad. I hope those birds don't think that my head is a fish and that they penetrate my skull. He was a cute little kid, dude. Oh, adorable. Yeah, he ruled.

He had little rolls. He's the prince in waiting. He had a completely square head, too. He looked like a little Lego baby. Oh, yeah. If they like put some fat on it. Yeah, especially when his hair was wet. He very much looked like a Lego figure. I have a soft spot for fat little kids. As do they. Their whole bodies are soft.

Especially the cool one who's confident enough to go up and just like start a convent. Very gregarious. I was charmed. Dude, I was a fat child and everyone expected me to be the life of the party. Yep. I mean there's videos of me at four years old coming in sliding into the room singing old-time rock and roll That rules. Yep singing a shirt. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, what would though the clash I would come in and sing I fought the law for like my aunts and uncles and they would be clapping and like passing joints nice. Yeah, you guys

Lady in the tram to footlong hot dog on that very beach. We did. And that's gonna be Thornton's awakening. Thornton stared through us when we did that. He's like, oh, it unlocked a piece of him that he's gonna fucking try and cover up for years. Yeah, we crushed that thing.

We've been doing a fun bit where we pretend to be corpses. We float face down in the water as Bonzo or Joe films us. We're going to get AI'd out of a lot of sunset pictures. Yeah, because we've been doing it literally in front of like the best vistas and the most breathtaking views. The other day we were at Baye Honda, which is not a used car dealership didn't work on stage tonight either and I don't think that's how you say it. I think it's buyer Honda by your Honda From me Ray pissed I

Did not kill my wife She drank Everyone knows she drank she fell and so we're floating face down like around at the end of the cove in front of the bridge, the sun's going down behind the bridge, and we're all just fucking three fat bloated corpses floating face down. And then we get up and we look about a hundred yards down the beach, there's a bunch of people just with consternated faces just

hands on their hips because they're trying to take... They've been waiting all day for this picture it's one of the only natural beaches in all of the Keys allegedly it's the only national there only a natural beach yeah the rest of them are just Bahamas and they shipped in yeah yeah yeah they had a Elion Gonzalez used to come over mouthful by mouthful and just spit it by the water. Hey, Leon. We did it again the other day too at Louie's backyard. Yep.

Yep. That one was a bit on purpose though. Yeah. Becker has been cold in the water. Yeah, I've been very cold in the water. He can't handle it out there. My core is not good with the changes. Yeah.

It sucks to watch. I get cold quick. I feel for you. Today was better. I think it helped that it was less hot out. So the temp variable was less. Yeah. I think we went out earlier than yesterday. I don't know. Yeah. It definitely seemed a lot nicer today. We've been going swimming later in the day. I feel like.

I love getting in the water. If we don't get in the water every day We failed I fucking that I live I love that rule today. Joe list said he couldn't get in the water Yeah, remember that yeah, cuz he didn't have his swim shorts, and you know what I also wasn't wearing swim trunks I also was not I was wearing shorts I was I was not wearing undies cuz you know if a pelican does come to get me I wanted to we they want to be a tear away pants a tear away pants situation but I was wearing my chubby shorts nice and guess what I was ready for action wait a minute I'm chubby yes you are but you're not short but these things are guys if you're meeting the

parents this holiday season you want to dress the part don't wear shorts what huh this is we're doing an ad now. Hey, guys, if you're meeting the parents this holiday season, you want to dress the part. OK, why don't you just dress like Robert the doll? Hi, this is my boyfriend, Ray. He lives down in Key West. He

he owns a haunted doll. Hey, Ray, put her there. I'm Jeff McKinley. I'm Ray, sir. What's your last name, Ray? You know, I hey, anyone want drinks? I'm going to grab some drinks. Come on, Ray. What's your last name?

Pissed. Say it all together for me one time. My name is Ray pissed I'm so glad you reacted that way sir usually this is a deal breaker no no no I love a good name good because when I met grace I knew I wanted to give her my last name one day make a great first impression with Chubbies. Chubbies has ultra cozy comfort clothes that will keep you feeling warm and looking great while the weather gets worse and worse. Guess what? I took off their shorts. I put on these bad boys that I bought at the Chubbies store

in Charleston, South Carolina. I fucking love them. You've been yelling, go ninja, go ninja, go. You've been doing little flips in those? Oh yeah, dude. I mean, when I was on that jet ski, phew, every pussy was trying to get wet. Sorry chubbies. From flannels and warm pullovers to soft quarter zips, they'll take you from the pumpkin patch to family dinner. That new flannel fucking rules.

You have one? They sent us flannels, you should probably have one waiting for you. No, they sent me more shorts. Oh, they sent me a pair. It's November. I live in Michigan. What am I gonna do? They sent me a pair of pants and the flannel. The pants I couldn't be happier with, they're the best pants I've gotten all year and the flannel's the softest double brush cotton flannel I think I've ever had. Well dude, I mean the five and a quarter or five and a half short is just my go-to short. It's the best. I was in the the water I was dry in moments I kept I said hey Joe List hey

let Marty see what a man's wet penis looks like we sang his name yeah they say his name on the pod. Chubby's also makes an amazing gift for anybody who wants to dress in style while staying comfortable this season I agree all right if you want to get a gift for your your daughter's new boyfriend Ray, who won't tell you his last name. Or a haunted doll. If you want to get a little pair of tiny shorts for a haunted doll so he can look good before he's the grand marshal of the Key West Parade, which Robert the doll was, they put him in a fucking Pope Mobile and let him lead the parade. The fantasy festival. That's funny to think about someone trying to assassinate the doll.

Take the shot. Just waiting for clearance. The massage's like, hold on. We can't destabilize Key West yet. Our friends at Chubby's are giving Chubby Behemoth listeners 20% off. Say what? With the promo code CHUBBY20 at chubbyshorts.com. That's 20% off your order with promo code CHUBBY20, C-H-U-B-B-Y-2-0 at chubbyshorts.com.

Goddamn. This holiday season, gift yourself, your loved ones, and any haunted dolls in your life Chubbies. Swag. God, I wish I could, you know what, I wonder if I offered him a thousand dollars for ten minutes alone with the doll. They would do anything. Turn the cameras off. I bet they'll let us have it. They come back in and his head is trapped in my butt. I'm like, I don't know if you call the Coast Guard or the cops, but either way. Wait, head first or his whole body is

inside of you? No, well what is even head first or his whole body is inside of you No, well what is even funny if it just his heads poking out We started as a breech berth and it ended as a party, I'm sorry Yeah, fuck. I mean I I'm gonna be disrespectful to this doll. Yeah, we have to be it's a fucking doll I'm barely respectful to my action figures. You got that right. Yep. I still have guys. I'm barely respectful to my action figures.

Yeah, I smoke- What's that mean? You don't pour them coffee when you're having some? No, I smoke in the house. Oh, yeah, they hate that. They do hate it. It's bad for their paint. Yeah, they did whole PSAs about how I should never smoke, and now I smoke in front of them I'm a bad person life's a funny fucking thing. Yeah. Yeah Stick to microplastics my favorite toy as a child was my ghost busters firehouse

That's sick. How big was that sucker this tall? It is the good this all did the real ghost bus it was that tall Yeah, it was probably three feet tall yardstick long and me and my sister Well, tell me when to stop Bro, I have dreams about it still. Did you have all the guys? Every guy every alternate outfit I had different iterations of the guys. Did I have the car? Yeah, my dad was getting sober. Of course I had the car Yeah, he was trying to make up for some whoopsies behind the wheel so yeah, I had the car. Yeah, he was trying to make up for some whoopsies behind the wheel. So yeah, I had the car.

All right. My mom, when she went to New York when I was a kid, she fucking brought me back a letter from the Ghostbusters that had a little bit of slime on it. Whoa. Yes. That's awesome. She was so great. Her birthday is at.

Oh my God. Today's the 16th. Yeah. Yeah. At midnight, it'll be my mom's birthday. Dude, that rule birthday what if she comes through Robert my mom has more words in heaven than just her sister's name I hope that they gave her back her full vocabulary as well yeah dude if I'm

gonna I need to ask Robert some questions. Yeah, you do. The veil might be thin tonight. Oh my, it's a full moon too. Yeah. Oh my god. I'm scared. It's gonna be so funny if we die on an airplane after this episode. Oh my god. Maybe you might get reverse hexed. You're gonna be okay. That's our biggest hope here. I think that your mom will fight off any bad vibes for us. She always did man. Hell yeah. I used to have that. Oh dude and also there was a grate on the top of the firehouse so you could pour slime through the grate and it would drip slime throughout the entire fire. That's that's why you like slime. Dude that one's worth a fortune. I still have it. That's cool. I think unbox they're worth like 300 bucks. 300 bucks. For a dollar 50 is worth a plastic that's an incredible amount. It was more than a dollar 50. The amount of the plastic. My mom spent $600 on it in 1992. Yeah. Yeah, I bet it was like two

No 150 no way the turtles playset was 125. Yeah, but those were turtles. These are Ghostbusters Yeah, yeah, but you could pour slime through the top and me and my sister my dad my dad had a camera And we'd make movies where like my sister was a baby She would come through and she was like the attack of the 30 foot or the 300 foot baby and she would attack the firehouse That's awesome Yeah, it was fucking awesome That's why you like slime. I bet I love slime, dude I mean, it's a tactile experience and you gotta be creative with it, too and watching it go down the grate

I bet that was so satisfying Oh, yeah And it dripped and you would make your own slime with borax and you could like make it a right consistency And if your mom was maybe while your mom was always at work if you were my case and dad's home you know he'd fucking reach up into the food cabinet you know his hand would go towards the vanilla extract but no it slowly just find the green food coloring and he put that in the slime and you're cooking you're cooking man that rules that was so much fun god I miss that thing yeah my algorithm now is just all art projects

because I've been trying to, I want to learn how to watercolor. I really don't want to do any of the creative projects that I have to do contractually. Right. Where I would be like ghost writing or finish my next book and I just want to sit down and fucking paint. I want to learn how to paint. That's fun. I don't want to learn how to paint good stuff. I don't want to learn how to paint good stuff I don't want to learn how to paint well I just want to fucking skip right to the crazy impressionistic shit how do I prep the paint how do I

prep the canvas I want to make my own yeah yeah and I bought all this crazy rice paper from team ooh nice you guys know about team ooh yeah you know about team ooh yeah dude they send you random shit you didn't really want yeah how to use it it's like a lot of fun. It kinda sucks. It's like a scavenger hunt for useless crap. Now, what do you mean they send you random shit? Oh, I can tell ya.

Yeah, tell us. I ordered, I got, I think 17 boxes and I spent like $12. And some of the stuff was what I ordered. A lot of the stuff, I ordered like gold leaf. Cause I wanted to do this crazy thing where I would make lino cuts and then I would screen print, but the gold leaf, I would put it in the middle

and like print the fucking gold leaf onto the paper. But no, I went to open the gold leaf and all of them just shattered and got all over the floor. Yeah, and that's like a nightmare. It's impossible to clean up. It's like glitter pretty much. Emmy was so mad. Rightfully so.

Yeah. Our new hardwood floors are covered in gold leaf. Well, you added to the value. Well, I like to say it's the disco room. Yes. Mm-hmm. That's so funny. I also got a bunch of rice paper,

which I thought was going to be big, and it's very small. But then I got some that I thought was going to be normal, and it's fucking reams, huge reams. And guess what? It doesn't taste good. No. I thought rice gonna be normal and it's fucking reams huge reams and guess what it doesn't taste good No, I thought rice paper. I like toilet paper. I thought the rice paper might be good. It's good to roll with Oh, it's good to roll with I bought a like a press that I could use for Linos Nice it is literally this big and you can't fit any paper through it. Damn

I bought a wig that I thought was for a girl Wasn't it's a boy's wig boys wig. It's like a Beatles wig. I'm gonna put it on Susanna. That'll be funny nice Yep I think that while Susanna is a little girl you can Do silly stuff with her and then you guys show it to her later on and she's like god I was so lucky to have this wacky impact in my life Oh, yeah, you know like there's a lot of stuff that I want to like impart upon her now. So when she's like, well, like when I was a boy, slime. Yeah.

You know, I didn't know that slime was going to play such an important role in my adult life. But there I was making slime. So, yeah, like that's like the fucking chaos room in our house. I want Susanna to learn a bunch of like crazy art tactics down there. All you can do is help her find her slime. That's what it's all about. It rules. Oh yeah. I got a video the other day of my niece doing cartwheels in the living room, screaming Calabunga with her Ninja Turtles mask on. Wow.

And it made my whole day. Wow. I'm glad you didn't just lick that envelope and put the note on top of the dresser and go jump off that big stool Yeah, you peeked right there. Yeah rules. I love getting her into shit damn You are you having an impact in a child's life? I have I have five nephews Yeah, what are their names? They have a lot of names you tell them apart though. Yeah, how what's the my brother has my my brother has three boys with three different women? Yeah, are they all the same flavor no no awesome you have rainbow children mm-hmm. That's fun, man

Yeah, I have black cousins. I have a black brother-in-law That's cool, and his family's freaky-dicky. Yeah. They're Korean too. Oh yeah. Well you were in the group chat where I said that I butt-fucked my... we have a we have a fucking fantasy football group chat. Yeah. Pat's in the league this year. He's blowing it. Yeah, fuck fantasy football. But I... I'm like four and six. I'm alright. You're doing fine. You're getting back into it. But I beat the shit out of my dad and in the group chat that's full of me my brother-in-law and his black male family members I said that I was butt fucking my dad and like well

I just committed incest cuz I just fucked my dad and then Sophie hit me up and was like hey you got to knock that Stuff off like Omar and Shaq don't like that kind of thing Not about fucking your dad, though. I guess not. Yeah. They don't have time for that foolishness. This foolishness. Yeah, they really.

Have I brought that up on the pod yet? No. Oh, yeah. I love that they didn't like that flavor. That's fucking hilarious. Yeah. Can we talk about the banana thing thing too? Of course. Yes Yes, where are we out on this Becker? We've got

Eleven minutes. I don't want to be late to the doll appointment. We got 11 minutes left Hi, I've got Sam Talon for Robert it was funny when you were on the phone calling and I would you would be like I was like, is it Robert? I was like, is it Robert? Yeah. His secretary. Because twice it wasn't. It was like my mom and my mechanic. And then the third time when it was is it Robert? I was, yes it is.

Yes it is. Oh my god, that Adderall is kicking in just in time for the doll appointment. My sugar high got in about 20 minutes ago and it rules. I'm kind of scared now. Because I got high and then the Adderall hit. Anyway, we were on a pontoon adventure

Yeah on a pound to you. Mm-hmm. It was me. It was the boys It was Joe Maddow's the owner of Key West comedy Who's also a fucking ship captain and ripped it turns out dude that guy rocks what a stud Joe rules Joe. Absolutely nice He's so sweet. Yeah, Joe Maddows. He's got the most calming energy. Despite being a man in his 40s from Boston. Yeah. And he just like puts everybody at ease.

Like he's such a cool dude. He's like sweet, but also like capable. Yeah. Great dude. So we're on his boat. We're out there with, we've got Aubrey, we've got Caleb, we've got the gender bending Elliot who was a delight.

Elliot might be my favorite dude. I was like, if we're going to like get one of these guys to like show us around town, I want Elliot's version of key. What's got chopped up? He did that. Well, no, he did the right thing. But then the person in front warned, he jumped off the back of the boat. Oh my God, that was so scary. But he went, he did it the right way.

He was also wearing a bunch of pearl necklaces and like flowing gowns. Yeah, but he knew, he went off and out, but the person that was helping us park just saw that he went off. So he thought he went straight off. Yeah, and then Joe started to back up the boat. And it made Joe nervous

because it all got yelled in the same moment. Elliot just has all these bejangles. He's dressed like a Zelda character. Yeah, he has like long hair. He says that he wears all these pearl necklaces because girls or ladies keep giving him to him after he fucks them. I believe it.

It's like dude, Tom called him a metrosexual and I was like, Tom, you gotta update your kind of homophobic slurs. We don't really say metrosexual anymore. But anyway, we're on the boat. Bonzo's there, Joe's there, we're having a funky fresh time. It ruled. Steve was with us. Steve Crane in there. Aubrey, I call her obelisk. She likes it. Yep. Okay. And then what happens? We have some snacks.

You guys went and got some snacks. We went to, we went to Publix. We got some, we got some party trays with some Italian subs. Nailed it. Some chips, you know, some beer. And then we got some bananas. Didn't think anything of it. No. Bananas are a great way to get some potassium. They were bright yellow. They were huge.

They were massive. I fucking deep-throated a whole banana. Yeah. You were oddly good at that, sir. Yeah, dude. I don't know what it is. I don't have a gag reflex. That's cool.

I learned that by doing food pranks as a child Okay, yeah, you know like you get a corndog and you'd be like oh and the next thing You know like the sticks all the way in and everyone's like, you know saying words we don't say anymore One of the two words I've got for Robert Bonza was probably there rock hard Get Sam I fucking corndog man Joe was like oh, dude the corndog so So we got these bananas. Yeah, that's you dude That's what you sound like oh, dude, and that was how that was the that was the voice

You would do a lot when you were younger my crazy And then you do the thing where you would fake swear without saying it, you'd be like, you dude. Oh dude, you had like a Bato voice, you'd be like, mother, yeah, mm-hmm. Anyway, the bananas come out. Yeah. Joe, you remember that little firehouse I had,

the Ghostbusters firehouse? Remember those movies we would make with Sophie? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, he's in Sophie with Sophie? Bananas. Bananas show up on the boat. The boys break out the bananas. The banana boat. Captain Joe is like oh that's a curse those are bad luck. And his eyes like widened when he saw them and like we just talked about the calmest energy Why do before he deep-throated it? Yeah, it wasn't because of that

Yeah, so the banana thing we thought I didn't tell if he was telling us the truth or not I guess bananas make fruits ripen faster, and I was like well keep him away from Elliot everyone left so Let me pull into land the ghost ship mud key So, let me pull into... Land the Ghost Ships. Mud Key. And Ian's there. Our parasail man.

We didn't even talk about that. We didn't talk about parasailing. We have another pod tomorrow. Is this a Patreon? No, no, this is a free one. Hear it on the Patreon episode. But Ian, we pull in, and what's he say to you? He says, oh you brought bananas on the boat, kid! episode yes but Ian we pull in and what's he say to you oh yeah fucking

bananas on the boat kid yeah and then Elliot jumps into the propeller yeah you brought fucking bananas on the boat kid yeah they also used to produce like mysterious ghost ships because bananas would harbor poisonous spiders yes and they'd come up and kill everyone on the boat and then there'd just be a boat would harbor poisonous spiders. Yes. And bananas on the boat. There's like eight sea captains there. They all scold us and hiss. How dare you landlubbers bring bananas on me boat. Then we have one of the best days I've ever had on Mud Key. We fucking traipse through the mangroves, Bonzo's filming, we walk out on the other side. Where's your lighter? We got, yeah we got, we set up in those old lobster and crabbing nets Becker has this lighter right here

I don't know if you can see that but it's one of the lighters for the audio listener, which you all should be let's be honest It has the bowl packing apparatus on the end. It's kind of like a little you know, you tap tap tap light light light legalize it Peter Tosh The man traded you a white claw for a cigarette. And then he asked for a lighter. And you handed him this device and he went, when did lighters get so woke? And Bonzo went, it's a lighter.

So that was a lot of fun. Anyway, we just have a fucking splendid, beautiful day. I swam out to a sandbar. No one thought I could do it, but I was brave like I always am I swam back It took a lot longer. I get back into the bay. There's you know jellyfish and barracudas But I dodged them so all I'm trying to say is that we I've already dodged one curse Yeah, that curse doesn't hold true down here in this Caribbean waters. There's no way Robert can get us What's Robert going to do?

I believe in the banana curse much more than the doll curse. I'm going to whisper a slur at Robert and see what he does. He'll like that. He will. He's been around for a while. His eyes light up. Yeah. But then Ian did say, you didn't bring bananas on the boat

when we were parasailing, did you, kid? No, we didn't. No, we didn't. We'll explain why he thought that would have explained some things on the Patreon. Yeah. What a good teaser. Dude, we love the tease.

It's just too long of a story. We'll be here for a long time if I start to explain that. OK, any other highlights that we forgot about today? We had such a big full day yesterday. We had a big day. Today we did a little man on the street action from Oh, God, I know. A GM cart. Yeah, we have a golf cart thanks to Jeep Adventures, Stephen Crane's company.

He also gave us a van and he's giving me a fucking spider. Slingshot. Slingshot to drive up the coast. Yeah. And yeah, so we were pulling up to people and I would say, hi, my name's Dominique Montballin. I wouldn't say it to them. I said a million names in the van or the cart

and then never said one of them to the people. We would just pull up and be like, what's your favorite part of Key West? And this German woman was like, what are you into? And we were like, well, we like the food, we like the culture, we like everything. And she was like, well, you should go to the third story museum.

And I was like, are there stairs? She said, yes. And I said, oh, we can't do stairs yes. She said oh we can't do stairs. And she said you can't do stairs and I said yes, he's morbidly obese and I pointed to Pat and the lady goes oh yes. And then pivots away from it immediately. She did say oh yeah the elevator's broken at the third

story. Yes. So that was fun. Yes. And then we went and laid face down in a graveyard. We did do that. Gotta get the corpse gag might have gotten another curse there Nah, I mean, oh we went to the AIDS Memorial. Yeah, I mean we've been really dodging bullets. I Let my pants on fire on that carowak bench. Oh, yeah

Yeah, I smashed a I smashed a coconut in the middle of the pier Yeah, and then Joe found an even riper coconut and tossed it to me and I smashed it and it got all over Bonzo And we all laughed at him. Yeah Bonzo's got rat lung now. Yeah, Bonzo's got rat lung So do you from those cigarettes? Oh, I have I have dead long that girl got moldy smokes Did you hear about this? Yeah, they watched me panic throw them away He didn't throw him away. He didn't ask for his money back. They were so gross to the touch, dude Exactly be like hi You gave me a pack of worms got my eight bucks back and there was a trash receptacle and they were like out of my hand They were fucking disgusting speaking of trash receptacles. Oh, yeah today at the sandwich place

We got a sick Cuban sandwich and then I don't know where I look over and there's a trash can and a rooster Because there's just a bunch of fucking feral roosters everywhere here fell into the trash can and I laughed so hard Called Bonzo over he's filming the trash can we got the rooster coming out of the trash can. I mean we're making movies down here Call me Harmony Corrine. I thought about it. If you were homeless here. Call me Harmony Corrine. Harmony? I was thinking about it earlier. If you were homeless here, you'd eat like a fucking king.

There's chicken everywhere and they're not afraid of people. You just like reach down and ring one's neck. They're not even trying to escape. That's what you've been thinking about. Like six of them congregated around me while I smoked, while I was trying to stand in the sun and dry off. How sick do you think you'd give? You'd get so sick from eating fucking street chickens down here.

Dude, they're boys. They're eating the palm nuts and shit everywhere. I saw them eat a piece of pork earlier. That rule. I saw a chicken eat a chicken nugget yesterday. I fed one of my old band-aid today. Yeah, fucking Joe today went to give a chicken a piece of his sandwich and I said, don't do it anyway

I'm not and then he put the little tiny micro bite that he tore off to feed the chicken in his mouth I Threw a piece of bread weren't going to do it. I threw a piece of bread at once had it hit it right in the head It's not good. We gotta quit. We gotta quit disrespecting every island tradition down here I'm just saying I would eat a lot of chicken if I was homeless on that island. I think I finally found the voice for what this show is. I just need to look like and act like a giant fifth grader. Yeah you do with those long ass long sleeves on. I have huge Kiwi shirts and I'm bobbling around. I've been doing a funny gag where when we get back and my shorts

are all wet I take them off and I sit on the couch with just my shirt over my testicles. It's not funny. Everyone loves it. I love it Yeah, Becker loves it. It's pissing me off. No people love the sausage sometimes. They want to see how it's made mm-hmm Any other fun stuff we missed today whips that fucking douchebag who you had to set up the fucking We saw him again. We passed mark on the street while we were buying gifts for Robert nice. Well. He's still doing bits Mark on the street while we were buying gifts for Robert nice was he still doing bits No, he looked more shit. There's a guy here named Reed ridiculous read Yeah Who's like one of the best street performers buskers in the world? And he's working on this new straight jacket bit after he did his fucking he juggles whips and shit

He's got a rock hard body and he's just a stud. He's like flirting with chicks whose boyfriends are right next to him. Yeah, exactly. He pops his shoulder out and then back into socket so fast when he does that that I think it kind of ruined the amazement because I think people thought he did a trick and he ripped his arm out of socket and then put it back in. It was fun to watch him workshop though because he's only done that bit like 15 times he said. I think he's got to slow it down so people can tell that his arms hanging limb yeah you should go slower when you pop your shoulder out of socket well once it's out I think he's just let it be out he tried to do it in one motion he should pop it out and go oh my shoulder and then hug it back in and then finish yeah but yeah he like

called up this guy mark to help and he called me up Was I a plant? I don't know call me the cactus man cuz I'm succulent but mark was a mark Yeah, so he calls up mark and marks wasted and he doesn't know how to follow any directions And he's like trying to be funny like too hard. Yeah, it's like heckin cringe I was wearing a mic and I kept whispering to him fucking this up mark Mark you're blowing it mark. Did you guys see his wife filming the whole thing and thoroughly enjoying how bad it was going? No, he like was ruled. I don't pay attention to these island. She really enjoyed watching him get his awesome Yeah, he's gonna kill him on this trip possibly. Yeah, if Reed doesn't first she was way too excited about how poorly it was Going dude if your whole life

You're just like a fucking cop in Fort Lauderdale and your wife's like you gotta quit shooting the minorities mark And he's like well. They gotta quit showing up after dark Scary you know you use your fucking retirement money you take her on a trip to Key West This is the highlight of their lives is watching mark Eat it rap a fucking you know busker up in a straightjacket. It'd be so funny if we had to sell some wide world footage to like Netflix for a true crime doc about how Mark's wife killed him.

And it's just the footage of him like being a goofball. Or Larry David. Yeah. Yeah, there's like heavy music as Mark is rapping of like a svelte dude in chains and doing like the fucking King Tut up there. And you're just a big fifth grader up there. Yeah, I'm a huge fifth grader.

I'm like, I can't miss my doll appointment. Speaking of, we should probably get over there. We should probably go on to our doll appointment. You know what, if you guys might wanna make appointments in your lives, you should make an appointment to come see me do live standup comedy. Tampa Bay this upcoming weekend, I got three nights of comedy at SideSplitters come up there followed by

ComedyWorks, Homecoming, those shows are going to sell out. Six shows all going to sell out or... no no and then I'm in Springfield, Missouri I'm doing a show in Akron, Ohio, Milwaukee, Dallas, Dallas I'm coming tofield, Missouri. I'm doing a show in Akron, Ohio Milwaukee Dallas Dallas and coming to hyenas in December a bunch of dates coming up for the next year Blue note Hawaii and join the patreon please beckers. Yes, please join the patreon. It's keeping me alive Actually quit that one join the wide world patreon join the wide world Patreon too because I am already out seven grand on this trip. Which I don't mind doing to bring you guys the entertainment that you love. But yeah, join, it's patreon.com slash Toby Hamed and patreon.com slash Sam Talent Wide World. Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go be rude to a doll.

Bye!