Chubby Behemoth - Let Lund Live

Episode Date: August 10, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/   SPONSORS: FACTOR - Support the show and get 50% off plus free shipping on your first Factor box. Use code CHUBBY50OFF at  https://www.factormeals.com/CHUBBY50OFF   Hims ED - Support the show and start your free online Hims visit at https://www.hims.com/CHUBBY   PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are in an Irvine hotel with a crazy doorknob situation. Sam is watching a classic August matchup, tells us what tickled him in the pool, and has plans to get Jokic as a friend. Nathan tells us about a kid making Minecraft music, makes a sandwich plea, and has a good reason to want to see Wizard Of Oz on the Sphere. Very manatee-esque.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

They're getting the tutsies from us. Oh, Tutsi pop. I'll say this about this fun little hotel room we're in here in Irvine, California. There is not one but two peep holes on the door. Oh, yeah. One's at a normal human height. Adult human. Right.

Like if you're going to get served, you know, knock on the door, open that one up, got with a mustache, wearing a trilby hat. Okay, that guy's got papers for me. Now there's also... They're onto me. Of course. Normal-sized people found me, and that's fine because I, you know, adhere to the justice system for normal-sized people. Now, about a foot and a half below that people, second people. For the rest of them. For Kevin McAllister's situation?

Yes. A part hotel alone. Or like a... As opposed to home alone. You have hotel alone. Prostitutes in a wheelchair. Whatever it may be. Old people.

Yeah. Singing tell. singing telegram from a dwarf that could be the purpose well I think what it is is as per my contract when we do have two separate hotel rooms yours has to be ADA compliant

because I'm never sure no mine's normal mine's a normal hotel room there's only one people which made me start thinking okay mine's normal he has like the hose down shower you know it's much like in the pool outside they have one of the chairs to lower you onto the toilet there's a shower seat

yes if I get There's a ramp to the toilet. Watching all of my body. Of course. There's a bell for you to ring when you're done with your front. You need your back done. There's a little divot in there so you can wallow, you know, flip over.

But I think that what that honestly is for is because someone in a wheelchair can look through that and see the tummy of whoever's knocking outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not for a kid. It's not for a war. It's not for Guatemalan. Well, if it's ADA compliant, it could be for legally smalls. but yeah it's probably wheelchair eyeball height it would make sense because this is near disneyland that it would be for children so like when mom and dad go out salsa dancing in the hotel ballroom kids in here he gets done masturbating for the 13th 14th time he orders room service chicken tenders he can peep out there you know see if he actually has to put his sponge bob trunks back on hi can i have a hundred chicken tenders please you heard me yes yes one

100. I don't care how much it costs. Mommy and Daddy, I mean, I am a very big businessman. I use the top people. I look out the top people, all right? Listen, people. How about this? I almost forgot because it was a whole week ago. Okay. I'm here to listen. But last weekend, we were in Salt Lake City. Thank you so much, Mormons, and Jack Mormons. Yeah, that was a great time. It was a fun weekend. Several chubby chay A handful of Lund guys. Love to see it. People are stoked to see Becker, which I'll never get over. Oh my God, it's Jake Becker. People rocked. Said no one in any reality that I would have bet on. But here we are.

People nervous to talk to Becker. The Beckman, aka Chris Baker's friend. Not here this weekend for no real reason. He didn't have something going on. There's no pressing concerns. But he didn't come, but he is going to be at a, lot of upcoming weekends thank god yeah it's fun i speak for the fans it's fun yeah i like having

him i hey it's a win win for me if he's there great if it's just me and you classic yeah animal and hawk taking out jobbers yeah there's no cornet uh right yeah well paula leish on us i don't care all right but uh i was trying to connect with you and you chat in my mouth so sure well come on you know i don't know oh you thought jim cornet managed the road I know he did the midnight. Yeah, and the heavenly bodies. Anyway, let me just say that last week, it was very funny because a couple came into the merch line.

They don't care who Becker is or what a Becker is. They wanted to tell me that this was the first time that they left their son home alone. 11 years old, they wanted to go out. I say the joke early in the set. Tell the joke. Who's got dog people? Or where's my dog people at? Oh, rooof.

Oh, they think you're dead right now. Then at the very end of the set. And what we call a classic callback. Oh, about as good as it can get. As far as a callback, because, yeah, because sometimes it's only a joke or two in between and it's not enough. This is a very, this is a bookend callback. You have their attention like a rubber band and you're just slowly stretching it for the entire 20 minutes.

I've been eating it for a half hour. But you know, you've got that pistol in your pocket. Yeah, I'm taking you to hell with me. I say how it's tough being away from home, got the wife at home, my two dogs. No kids. Who's got kids? Just do your half hour for him. Hey.

I'm here to go. You're complaining? Yeah, this is a good episode. You don't have to say shit. Just watch preseason football, you Jack. Oh, I am. He wanted to keep on preseason football. I got a bunch of money on flaco overrushing.

Now, is he playing? We're not sure. No, it was shudder. Fuck. Fuck. I have to go. I need the room. This is your room.

The, oh, I don't have any, you know, I don't have any kids, which would be even harder, you know. Who's got kids, huh? People clap. They think you're dead right now. They're just two-legged dogs, aren't they? The little ones, a dog in a backpack. After the show, they explained. This is the first time they're 11.

year old is home alone guy gets a text during the show it's the kid show ends a few minutes later he steps outside calls the son back what's up what's up little man oh my dad mom i was scared you were dead thought you were dead awesome justified exactly what you want to hear from your son oh i don't have kids i don't know how kids work guess what bitch described but also nailed that child also also a Isn't that kind of old to freak out, think your parents are dead? I think it's kind of young to be left to home, but hey. Isn't it? It's kind of risky, right?

That's a hundred chicken fingers waiting to happen. Oh my God, that's a hundred chicken fingers. And he checks off 80 times. There's a, hey, what's this pill? There's a, oh, this blue liquid looks good. I'm going to make a slurpy. There's a million different things. Mom and dad like this cabinet full of liquids, so I should probably have some.

I wonder if the gun safe code is my birthday. I wonder if the gun fits in my mouth. I wonder what a bullet tastes like. I'm going to make bullet sundaes. Yeah, no, it was good. I liked that. But he said that despite thinking his parents had died, he was making a bunch of Minecraft music.

Yes. All he did was text and maybe call the mom and the dad. Actually, I think he just tried to text or called his dad, and that was it. Right. No, they're dead. No grandparents, no 911. one, just a quick, let's see what dad's up to it. Maybe he's on the way home.

I got to start cleaning up. And then no response. And he's like, oh, damn it. I guess that's just me now. Better sell all these bonds. These aren't making it to graduation like grandma intended. Yeah. I got to be my own man.

He kills the dog, cleans it. Dresses it? Yeah, dresses it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what to do. He's just been at home watching naked and afraid.

His fucking parents abandoned him. He used to eat in the bird. Next thing you know, you're boiling the turtle. Digging a moat. Mm-hmm. Yep.

I got to make it tough, I got to make it tough for enemies to get onto the land. He's bottling his piss. They're like, why'd you bottle your piss? He's like, I mean,

I always bottled my piss. This NBD. What am I going to do? Go to the bathroom? I got to get these beats done on Minecraft. And not to be confused with mind comp music.

Making music on mine back in the beat lab yeah yeah the beat mine just in there with giant headphones on just in some kind of gamer chair he thinks his parents are dead and he's like i gotta use it yeah he calls they don't answer breaks his phone in half he's like all right i got to pay for this mortgage this is the sign i needed to focus on my music yeah there's some guy who's been trying to solicit him online but he knows he's an adult but he's like all right So you want me to step in dog food or Rice Krispies? Either way, you got to pay me in Robux cards.

Yeah, that was a fun little moment. That was great. That's what it's all about, isn't it? Also, when I get the very mixed compliment, oh, you were so good. So good in SLC, compared to the soups on, man. Oh, yeah. It's come a long way, like way more comfortable and confident.

Hasn't been haunting you. Hey, kid show business. Well, it's just funny. I know. It's funny. And I'm sure it was a compliment because, hey, yeah, I was really good in Salt Lake. I had good sets. I'm strong.

I'm funny. The key to you succeeding on stage, just take three weeks off in between sets. Right. Yeah. I hadn't. That was right before the first show, right? I was like, wait, I haven't done stand-up in three weeks. When's the last time I did this?

But guess what? Who cares? Because you've been doing it for 20 years. 20 years. And guess what? When I did soups on, I've been in it for a while. 18 years. And yeah, I was, I'm sure a little less comfortable filming my first special.

I only had one show in which to do it. Everything had to go right on my end. They recorded it with old boost mobile phones. No. They just hung like five phones from the ceiling and they called them and recorded it all on voicemail. No, no. But, yeah. Yeah, sure, there'd be a couple differences between my first big taping and a random ass Salt Lake show.

Yeah. But hey, thanks for watching soups on, I guess. Yeah. But yeah, keep breaking it down. These guys know. This is a brooder. A bunch of brooders over here. They're going still by still to see exactly when you shit your pants.

You're up there being like, I drink until the headline says. Hooray, and then they stop it, and you can tell you pooped your pants. I haven't seen soups on in a while. Did you do that bit on there? Did I poop my pants? No, no, no. Until the headline says, hooray. Yeah, I got it in there for you.

Thank you. That was like one of the only old things that I thought, eh, it's still funny enough. I can throw it in there, you know? It's for the real heads. Man, Shadu, we're really handing it off a bunch. That was, uh, an oldie, but a decency. Hey, by the way, if you're a new listener and you weren't, here for previous football seasons.

Get ready for a lot of, oh yeah, that's crazy, Lund. Looking at your forehead. We're looking at your forehead for the next 20 weeks or so. So soup song was a hit, is what you're saying? Yes, yes. And, no, and I mean, this is just Carolina Panthers Cleveland football. It's a classic August matchup, you know, before anything matters. People have their hopes up still before they're dashed.

Yeah, I mean, Schottinger's Browns. Well, Flacco's in the game. Oh, wait, sorry, that's an albino streaker. You thought that he was having a senior moment. Yeah. And Flacco is on the field, and he is nude. Twelve men on the field. Looks like 12 and a half.

Geez, Joe. Grab a towel around him? Yeah. Like, it's fine. He's on different meds. They just come out with one of those big snow jackets that they put on in the winner they wrap them up in it give him a cup of broth you better do something you only have 52 seconds to keep this tv on no it's not i do all right i love football and the lower the stakes

the better put your foot down on top of a football no nice try here come to judge yeah i uh i also wanted to talk about something that was uh going on the pool, something you brought up, which infinitely tickled me, is that obviously, look, I'm, we have all types of shows coming up on the road, you know? You can't be. At least you turned it to Watkin Glenn's Live. Oh, boy, I wish you guys were here to see Lund's struggle. There's nothing better.

Whoa, Larvardane. So anyway, you know, I've got shows coming up. the way Seattle I'm sorry I'm opening for a certain pie face comedian in the Midwest that weekend it's going to be legendary bonco it's being rescheduled also Atlantic City look it was a bad

idea I'm they canceled the show was August 30th guess where I am five days later less than 40 minutes away in Unkinsville at a different casino and then the following weekend I think I'm at the stress factory so anyway that was just bad that was bad agenting

will be in the area yeah yeah Twice. We can't do three weekends in a row. We'll be up in it. But so also Columbus, Ohio, September 7th. Wait, this is also important. Right. When we're at the stress factory, if anybody could bring us Talercios, that would be great. What is that? It's a deli. It's a sandwich spot that I have been obsessed with for the last like two months. I watch a lot of their videos on Facebook. That's a lot of the Facebook screen time. It's Talercios. They show you what goes on to the sandwich. The guy's a nice guy. First timers ring a bell and you get free fried ravioli. But it's about 30, I think it's like 35 or 40 minutes west of the stress factory. So you're monitoring this sandwich much in the same way that a man monitors his ex-wife's Facebook account to look at pictures of his kids he can't see. That's what you're doing with this sandwich.

You're seeing it from afar. You're watching it grow. You're watching it learn. There's so many sandwiches. They have so many different combinations and they all sound really good. Yeah. So, yeah, if anybody can help us out end of September with that, that would be cool. We bring me to Lercios, and then I'll see if Lund can have any of it or not. I can eat what falls out of your mouth.

Yes. Whatever hits the ground is in Lundtown. Like old Dick penis. Yes. When he would come home with food, it was like, oh, maybe he'll forget. He never forgot. No, but sometimes he would be in a good mood. And watch you eat it. We would get some.

He'd be allowed in the same room as he'd eat it. Well, yeah, there were levels to it. Yeah, sometimes we could watch him eat. Sometimes we could listen to him. Right, through the door. Or he threw a sheet over your head. He could be in the room, but he could be in the room. He would eat like that bird, that fried bird delicacy.

He would have a towel over his head. Right. We could hear him crunching. Well, he ate Arby's. Italian, Italian beef. So he didn't have to, quote, smell your eyes on him. Oh, good. Pig boy's here to watch me scarf.

Fantastic. Where's your dweeb sister in that? little turd brother of yours you're like what dad i missed you he's like yeah yeah you missed the toilet a lot too that's where you're gonna sit to piss get over here he puts the sheet over your head and then eats on top of your head he's laying down the tablecloth and then you're the table anyway this all happen bring to lersios to us yes please and also september 7th opening day of football. I'm going to do the show in Columbus despite wanting to cancel.

So that's how committed I am to this whole thing. Is that a weekend? No, it's a Sunday. One off? Yeah, I'm coming back from Mohegan Sun and doing the Columbus Comedy Festival that Sunday. By the way, they're adding a second show. There's like no tickets left. It fits 100 people. It's the attic. I did a thing on Punch Up Live where I'd rift an hour in there. So legendary Sam T. Hangout.

We added a second show, so I might be able to make $400 as opposed to $200. So come on out, Columbus. I'll be eating dinner at Johnny Mockney's mom's house and having dessert there afterward too. That's right. No, but what was tickling us in the pool was your big shows that are coming up.

Well, yeah, you may remember Cisphus Brewing, Minneapolis. Legendary comedy spot. December 26th and 27th. You might be thinking, isn't that the days after Christmas? Yeah, stupid it is. is yeah it's on you uh it's like i mean you do the days after thanksgiving everybody has a nice time with their family and then they escape that family or they bring them with if they're all a

good crew if they're on the same page they're both legendary party weekends you know christmas eve much like thanksgiving eve drunkest night of the year yeah christmas in the midwest come on people are going to come out have a good time uh shout out to whoever left uh on uh left a comment on our YouTube for a previous episode. Some of y'all are all right. Don't go to Cisophis Brewing, December 26th and 27th. And that's tickling me because I like the idea. Obviously, this is a don't go to school tomorrow situation. Not even a daled threat. Hopefully ingest. But hey, make sure you get tickets to those shows. Maybe go for the 26th. But the idea that you can't go to either night because something bad's going to happen both nights is getting

me good. Lightning striking twice. I'm there on the 26th. A guy comes in. He does some cool stuff. Yeah, with an AK. Then on the 27th, I'm back in Sisyphus. I'm in there again, like, holding on.

You said, we show soups on because I can barely talk, let alone. You're talking through a ventilator. My timing is fucked because I'm full of holes. You took three bullet holes right in one lung. So you're up there. You just have the hat on. Buy a hat. Yeah.

Bunch of locals. Yeah, my hands on a string and Sam from Zizivis is able to raise it up now and then. Do your patented actouts. But yeah, the 27th, oh man, I can't believe what happened last night. I mean, this is all we can do. It's a tragedy. The show must go on. And the guy comes back again.

finish the job because he got away the first time. He got out of there clean. Then you're on stage in 27th. There's like a tarp down and then there's just like obvious brain matter on the walls. There's chunks missing from the building. There's like a hat in the back because one of the bartenders was slain. And you're still like, hey, I'm up here. I'm here.

I mean, what are you going to? You're going to let him win? Come on. This is cancel culture, man. Let me go on. And sure enough, the doors open again, I go, God damn it. Yeah. I get blasted some more.

It's getting riddled with bullets. So yeah. And your last words are, it's a living. Lund means penis in Hindi. I killed. Yeah. And then the guy gets up there and does your act better over your steaming body. your carcass he's super confident yeah he punches every joke up with something really good yeah

like either either cuts fat and it's tighter or adds a tag or two or an impression that just like elevates it yeah yep puts the hat on he's long it's like the santa claus yes he puts my hat on he gains 80 pounds uh but yeah please don't murder me when i go to sisyphus brewing start with the December 26 and 27th. Yeah. Now start with the GameStop that fired you or whatever. Or kill your mom. Go Kemper.

You know, she's the reason that you're a piece of shit. Maybe don't go full Kemper. Kill your mom. Yeah, fuck your mom's mouth. Oh, boy. Who cares? Wait a minute. Time for the ad read.

What the hell? I'm not on these shows. I'm in Mexico with my family. Whoa. You're going to see. I mean, look, you're going to do it. Do it to Lund. You're going to go to Zipolite.

the beach of death. I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to El Pharmacia, that's for sure. Whoa. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, how long have we been doing this?

Should we do one of our patented ad reads? No. I mean, we could. We have two. Okay. Well, now let's hold off. Well, let's also, because we always wait until the last second to talk about our Patreon. We have a Patreon.

And we would love it if more people went up in there, signed up. It's only five bucks a month. You get access to. Almost five years of additional episodes. And Becker's phone number. If you sign up, if you sign up in the next week, you will get a message from us that is Jake Becker's phone number and home address. So if that doesn't sweeten the deal more than anything ever has,

five bucks for episodes, yeah, $1.25 a week for great comedy content where, you know, Lund says it. Who cares? But you get fucking Becker's address and you get his license plate number. so you can find him in town. It's very easy to locate Becker, no matter where. Oh, he's got a canary yellow Carmen Gia. He's got that stupid hat that he wears all over.

So, yeah, sign up. Look, if we get enough money, man, you know what I'm doing? No. I didn't tell you about this? More shorts? Hilarious. 52 pairs of shorts. A new one, one for every week.

One for every mood. He's listening right now. now going. I'm on her side. I actually play both sides. I'm like Travis Hunter. Yeah. Yeah, at a disco.

What? I heard he goes both ways. I'm kidding. You're like Travis Hunter. He's going to stomp your ass out. Hey, much like, Travis Hunter, if you're going to stomp me out, make sure you do it night one of a two-week run

so that I can keep doing the shows throughout. No, but I'm going to get a jike. organic fucking horse farm and I'm going to try and make Nicola, Nicola, if you will, Yokic, my friend. I'm going to open a horse farm. You think he wants competition?

No, I think that he wants someone who gets him. I'm kind of the yokech of sports. Yeah, but he's going to see right through you because you'll be like, oh yeah, they really clomp around out there and he's like, it's Klopp. Isn't your friend have a joke, suicide by Klop? You're like, yeah, I guess.

I don't know. I didn't really watch soup on past the first 12 minutes. I gave some really hardcore edits, you know. I said, maybe cut Lund? Is there a way to get Lund out of this? Yeah, but I open up a horse farm and I'm like, yeah, man, you know, I'm really good at this thing too, but like, I just want to ride my horses.

And then he's like, well, you smuggle guns for brothers? I'm like, shit, man. Yeah, I mean, Canada's right there. So, yeah, give money to write Patreon. I'm also going to go over your head. I'm going to get, I'm going to get, I'm going to 3D print a machine that allows me it's going to print like a cellophane but on there is going to be like the ridges of your fingerprints

and then I'm going to wrap that cellophane around a gun and then I'm going to threaten someone and I'm going to leave that gun there I'm going to I know your handwriting I'm going to do it in my left hand and it's going to be uh I'm going to try and hang something on you you think everybody who writes with their left hand writes the same way yeah yeah okay yeah you write like you're trying to do the Disney letters but you can't With that.

We're like, you hold a pen like this, like you painted. Like a paint brush. Yeah. I've seen you. You hold your fork like this, too. Bite right through the tines. So, yeah, join the Patreon. We're going to get Becker another tattoo, and this one's going to be problematic.

He's not going to be able to swim with his shirt off. Yeah. I should have worn this in the pool. You should have. I forgot it. I know. I love swim shirts. Tomorrow.

I love them. Let's go back down there. We will. I'm driving. drying out my shorts right now. Hot tub in the heat. There's only so much summer left. And you know what?

Sometimes summer can feel overwhelming. Summer. Between vacations. Summer Sanders. And fun in the sun. Everybody down there is on vacation and they were stressed. Yeah, why are they vacationing at the Irvine courtyard by Marriott? It's not even the good one, said our cab driver this morning.

Oh, the good one's over there, but like this one's fine. It brought you to the shit one. Mm-hmm. These people are about to go to Knott's Berry Farm, so if you can call that a vacation. No, I've heard it's fun. But, you know, all right.

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Everybody's a flexitarian over here. Sam, true or false? We're living in-Falls 2025. Oh, I should have waited for. go ahead yeah all right well let's try it again we're living in 2025 uh i plead the fifth good call the fifth element let's watch that i'm mute you don't have to down periscope well speaking of uh-oh you don't have to physically go to the doctor to get help for your ed oh i hate that that doors aren't wide enough i can't fit in the office imms makes

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that'll get you rock hard get you stroking off whoa uh hardmints and sex rx plus climax control all the way to trust the generics that cost 95% less than the brand names. 95% bitch. That's like 5% left over that you have to pay. Yeah, almost nothing.

That's a huge deal. Yeah, it's great. It's easy to get started. You just hop online and connect with a licensed provider who can see if a prescription is the right next step. If I got on hymns right now,

Emily would probably be in a wheelchair. Nobody would be happy. Yeah, it would be bad. You don't need it right now. But, you know, you could have it in your back pocket for when, you know, football's on and you want a multitask. Dude, there's been so many times where I wish I just had one of these, like a fucking suicide pill, you know, where you just slip it under your tongue at dinner when you know you're going to be soft, but you want it so bad. There's so many times when I've been just like staring at the sweetest juiciest pair of cans that I have no business having seen nude, knowing the exact nipple size and being like, if only I could get hard later. For real, because you psych yourself out.

It's a mental game. Hymns comes in and says, Get hard, pussy! Sure, yeah. Screams in your mental ear. Yeah, it isn't always blood flow or testosterone. It's not Will there's a way.

You're stressed, you're busy, what's Israel up to? Oh, that's good for the read. I'm sure that... What? I mean, just got to keep up with the news. Sometimes it's tough to then get down with the clown.

I'd like to say what's up to a wet pussy with my hard cock. And that's where Hymns comes in. That's right. If you want to come in, Hymns. To get simple online access to personalized affordable care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more. What? Yeah, I mean, this is kind of a one-stop shop.

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Prescription required, see website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Hymns. Yeah. Sexual health. Don't kill yourself. Don't shoot up a place and then kill yourself. Don't shoot up a barely full room. Take Hims.

We're going to vapor it. Don't shoot up a papered room. These people don't even know what they're seeing. The next thing they see is God. I'm outside barking. Hey. The show is going to get canceled, and then I get murked. We're not going to.

I'm on stage to say, hey, everybody, sorry. Thank you to the four of you. They're all wearing Lund hats. For being here. Yeah. And I would do the show. They're all Indian. I would do the show, but Sisyphus said, you know, they would lose money.

They would lose money on the electric bill, so we're going to go ahead and close the doors. And then as the doors are closing. guy comes down the stairs blasting what I mean Xbox music probably Big Star Xbox You're stoked

You think it might be Sean He's from Minnesota I think You think he's showing up With Triple H You think that Nash is there You think the whole click is coming in Yeah But instead it's

Hall and Hogan impersonators Instead it's Scott Norton And he shoots everybody to death besides you. Oh, I get to live with Survivor's guilt. You're like Dexter. It's a head game. Survivor's guilt. And I'm like, it's just guilt-free.

Yeah, guilt-free. They knew what they were getting into. No, don't do that. There's something funny about that. No, there's nothing funny or cool about it. So please, just let me live. Let Lund live. uh man i guess uh i'm giving a lot of power to this random youtube comment but

well it's probably that guy who's right to kill me too it was also a cysticist to get at you no i mean that that's the guy probably shout out i'm a fan we're cool remember we're cool he's the enemy he's the dream eater he's the mind snatcher i'm cool sam t dot com oh yeah go buy a bunch of shirts off me because I need to clear them out to make room for all the shorts I've been buying. Two shirts for 50.

Eight shirts for 160, I guess. Four shirts for 80. Yeah, but it is funny that you... Did you realize that you were fucking yourself potentially? Because you said, hey, buy a shirt, but you didn't have a bunch of sizes. I should have an inventory.

I had a bunch of... specific sizes for people that usually buy my stuff and boy do they buy those immediately and now I have a bunch of mediums I have a bunch of X-Ls but the three X is in the largest my God now I have to print some more shirts to keep up with that demand so yes pretty fucked well yeah it's like I've been I butt-fucked myself in the mirror which is really hard to do it sucks You're thinking about that? You're like, oh, I'm butt-fucking myself.

That's a bummer. At least no one's watching this. And then you can see it. You're in like a fucking, you're in the sphere and they're showing it. You butt-fucking yourself. You don't get any of the money? No. You owe money because you rented the sphere.

So you're double butt-fucking yourself. A good thing I don't have a third dick. the uh did you see the sphere was doing the wizard of oz no they like but i don't listen to loser monpley all right what is you're too busy buying shorts uh the wizard of oz it got like some type of AI treatment so that it could be played at the sphere and some people were mad because oh they also cut out like 20 minutes of it which is funny to me but my thought is how cool it be to see that midget swinging in the background the guy that hung himself he needed the lower people a little guy yeah to look through the gates of heaven dude gee garland said people

the gates the gates have uh gaps in between so no people necessary did you ever hear that thing about judy gardlin said that the fucking dwarves were like gusinger and they were wasted and hopped up on speed i know because they had to work weird hours so there was a bunch of like she was on speed too You're speeding cigarettes to lose. She was supposed to lose weight at like 14 or whatever. They're gross. Yeah, you're disgusting. What, are we going to drop you on the Wicked Witch of the West?

You house, you cow house. Don't roll over in Smush Toto. What are your parents? A cow and a house? Yeah, they were all going through it on set, I guess. Yeah, but then not only she having, like, you know, hallucinations from amphetamine use instead of food, there's also literally tiny people being like, hey. Get over.

tweaking yeah they're only two in your radio toots she's 13 they're 43 they're taller than her yeah that would be that'd be a tough one to take on the chin if I was a young actress dwarf honks little hands

ugh that'd be even worse I can't remember if that was real or not if that was debunked you sound like her the swinging the swinging body in the background I think that was debunked

I mean look if you have a fucking dwarf kill himself on set, I would lean into it. Yeah, make it the whole thing. At the sphere, it's the camera from backstage. Yeah. There's a camera on him, yeah. I couldn't believe how much

I tweaked her. I mean, everybody was doing it, but I really went hard. Anyone have a shoelace I could borrow? He stands on a drawer, the bottom drawer. Goodbye, cruel world. A bunch of people are watching him. Tin man smoking, be like,

better buy another shoe box. It's just a rash of dwarf suicide. It's like 18 people who passed on set, and they just kept forging ahead. Everyone's laughing because of the way they, it's so funny. Imagine if you walked it on Byrne Troyer hanging himself

How long would you watch Before you snipped him down Where you got out your toenail cutter Yeah Pick him up like a baby He's like no let me hang What did he How did he die

Natural causes right Got stepped on He wanted to be stepped on He was pretending to be a whoopie cushion It was a sexual thing Should her standers, sat on him? He thought Vern was a whoopee Cousion?

Yeah, a little nude, Vern. He said on him. He does fart. You're like, my dad was right. I am the greatest. Where's Travis? New York City?

Travis Hunter? Yeah. No, there was a massive trade. And you wound up with the Panthers? Jaguars. Jaguars made a big move. okay one of those expansion teams from recent history and the red rocket's looking like a dog's cock out there

soft and pink who's that Andy Dalton come on the red rocket nobody calls him then that's what I call him listen to this the other day I said I called Emmy I was downstairs I called up to her I said hey Amy she said we live in the murder mitten and she went yeah

and I went that's pretty cool right she went yeah it's the thing on countless rap songs. And I was like, oh, I've never heard it. Oh, you thought you coined the term. Yeah. Damn it. I know.

We wouldn't saw Beetle juice last night. Me and my beautiful female family. Beetlejuical. The women who run my life. The musical. I'm pretty much that dwarf dangling. No, I'm Judy Garland. And they're all three drunk fucking dwarves.

Tweaking you. Yeah, tweaking. Slapping your ass. Cusing me of shrinking. That was a conversation. Susanna asked her mom the other night, or no, asked Emily the other night, why does Sam always slap his butt? And then he went, I, you know, she had no idea how to answer. And Susanna went, it's so loud.

So that's the new update for my five-year-old niece. She doesn't like it. It's too much. She's probably jealous. Yeah. Well, yeah. She wants to be able to make that kind of sound. Oh, she never will.

No. Beetlejuice, though, she made all types of sounds. that's what Bober was at when she jacked that dude all right well let's let these two Venn diagrams

The juice completely separate That's not what we were doing Maybe Susu and Hannah would have gone to the bathroom again Me and Emmy could have pulled that off Susu looks over Bobert's jacking a guy

Kid Rock obviously In Michigan Right She's jacking him Bob Seeger Getting sucked She's skiing Like that joke

With, now with both ICP guys. She's in clown makeup, but they're not. Just middle of Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. They didn't put the makeup on. She did. She's got Shaggy on one side and Violent J on the other.

But they're sitting on the other side. Right. It's all fucked. It's like they're cheating with each other. This gay, man. She's like, shut up. I'm Harley Quinn. You want to know how I got these scars?

Yeah, Cesarian, stupid. Shit. Bobert, yeah, she jerked. It'd be funny because Beetlejuice, he breaks the fourth wall and does like really hacky crowdwork throughout the show. Oh, yeah, you told me that. Just stock lines that, you know, some guys still do. Shut up. I don't do that.

He did a lot of like, my turn again. No, so he does the thing where. That was, that's only like when you do it. There was a fat guy in the crowd, allegedly, and he was like, he talked about being, I was up on the mezzanine. I was looking down with my fucking Nez Pierce, what's it called? That's not a Nez Pierce. That's an tribe of first people. I had opera glasses on, so I'm just sitting up there like this.

Oh, Beetlejuice, your ribald's unsundry behavior doth tickle my bone, but not the one you're thinking. of. Bobert. Bobert. Bring me my Fago Cannon. Why did Denver get the play

a year ago and then Detroit got it so much later? I mean, it's the same thing with literacy. No, it's

Broadway on display or it's like Broadway on the road. I have no idea. Yeah. I don't know the regional theater bookings.

But Detroit versus everybody. You're telling me, man. So we do the we go and it'd be funny if Beatlejuice was on stage and he's like

Lauren Bobert Are you jerking off ICP? The crowd starts clapping. Susanna's clapping harder than everyone. She doesn't get it. She just likes to be a part of it. She clapped so, I was so proud of her. But yeah, so there was...

Oh yeah, she caught you. Well, there was various moments where, you know, I am... I'm prone to happy crying. I get moved by a sentiment And then the way I process it Is trying to suppress it and just going Yeah

Especially with your family Especially with Susu Because she's your little niece I don't want to cry in front of her A little young person I loathe to cry in front of anyone Time is slipping through your fingers You'll be gone soon

She'll forget about who you are She's 18 I'm 51 Doesn't matter anymore I'm just a husk I'm some hump She's gonna give a shit about you Through her 18th birthday No

This shit starts at 11 As soon as they can be home alone Making beats She's in there It all sounds like MIA No but at one point I'm crying Just to myself

I'm on the inside Susu's on the rail And there's the two Women between us Shout out Hannah Shout out Hannah's sister Hannah never yells at me For buying too many shorts

I'll tell you what Anna's chill Anna gets it She knows that my body's changing and I want to fucking flaunt it. But anyway. Also, how many items of your wardrobe were free

or cheap as hell? Like, God forbid, hey, you get a couple shorts on your rump. Yeah. I'm not buying a giant clock that says it's Sam T. Time made of gold and diamonds. I'm buying some fabletic shorts that were like 25 bucks.

And I want to see if the lining is better on my new thighs. All right, I mean, that's what's going on. Your man's got. bag I'll get home and punish you soon don't worry honey all right

my wang so anyway you had teared up right because you were so happy Sam's crying and you don't have much time left yes I know

Manjaro didn't help something else is happening so she calls out Sam's crying not a surgeon in the world she also what's going on she keeps asking

if I'm scared all the time and I have to be like yeah I'm scared and then she'll hold my hand you know but then you were crying so she really thinks that you're scared of stuff yes you think beetle juice is real and evil is a demon as soon as soon as someone says his name twice she looks over at me like it's all fake stupid he's he's he's an actor well and you said how she's worried that you're shrinking Yeah, because we were standing on an incline briefly, and she was at the top of the incline, and I was at the bottom, and she says, why are you shrinking? Why are you getting so small? Sam's shrinking.

Sam's crying. Sam's scared. She just thinks I'm this tiny, withering man who cries and is scared. Well, and it isn't completely just her own thoughts, because you've lost weight, so you're smaller. Not shorter. And then the forced perspective, well, maybe you're losing a little bone density. Some little troll woman came on stage and she went, That's you.

Juno, the mother of Beetlejuice. Sorry, spoiler. She got yelled at. No, no one could yell at her because she's perfect. And if they did, I'd fucking throw them off the balcony. Like, oh, is the kid ruining the play for children? You fucking loser? There were so many losers in there.

Not like me. Yeah. Cool guy with babes and a little girl. Yeah, that's a funny for some. It's hilarious, wherever we go anywhere. And then I'm, of course, just stoned to the bone. I eat a gummy. I'm crying.

I'm crying. I'm crying over here. Susu's like, I listen. I know. She's listening to the pod. Child Protective Services comes and takes her away. Hannah's like, why? What happens on the pod?

Emmy, suicide pill. But it's actually a hymns. Her clits, just rock art. She can't wear a dress. A little nubbin PPS is like We're taking away your niece But your wife is clearly hard right now

Oh fuck She took the wrong pill Nice tag She has to pretend to be dead I think that that's like Rigger Mortis or clit's getting hard I don't know I don't know

I do a podcast We have less sponsors another comment might as well address some of these comments the allegations just said something about because we asked like where we were at timewise once or twice which we always do and someone said oh the boys just counting down the seconds until they can be done with the podcast we're not moving on to holly we're not going to hollywood no we're not just doing this for the next thing But we do need to know how much time we have.

And also, when we're laughing and cooking, time fucking flies. Yeah, it's so often I'm like, well, surely we've been doing this for an hour and 10 minutes because of how much I've laughed. Oh, how we laugh. You never know. And then you look over and it's been 23 minutes and you're like, okay, do we have another ad read? We have, we, we're just checking in, man. Come on. We like doing this.

I love the pot. It's easy to do. I can be in the pool right now. Yeah, no. We make time. We do it. making one count loudly so i can hear it underwater 37 yeah we have to see if you can do two minutes like you claim there's no way you couldn't do 20 seconds i can and i did win already today in the

pool i didn't count but it was i had a long and i'm not great i i don't uh have any of the weird like oh i smoke so my lungs are like big or whatever so no i don't i'm I'm not claiming two minutes holding my breath. I smoked for 15 years. I still smoke weed and I grew up at altitude. I could live underwater. I looked like a manatee. When I do that fucking face down float and I'm kind of like humped, very manatee-esque.

Yeah, get out there with your stopwatch, coach. Yeah, we'll see. We'll see what you got. Yeah. When I get to two minutes, you tap me on the head, and then I go, stand it for another two minutes. I'm standing for four minutes, 20 seconds. I come out. I come out big toke you're like whoa he is him did he get a high like with a dolphin

I do I do really want to do a cannon ball this summer like the classic cannonball though like the party party time cannonball you know the one where you fucking take a weed to traditionally you take a bong rip and then you're at the pool drink a beer and then breathe out the bong load yeah but I want to do the real cannonball and I don't even drink any more, but, like, I think it's cool. I want to take a bong. I want to take a vape resin, live rosen, to full disclosure,

rip that, and then I want to fucking take a shot, chug a beer, cannonball into the water, come up, exhale. That's a fun one. Yeah. That didn't get me late ever,

and it should have. I've never done that. Oh, yeah. Real cannonball? That's cool. I think I might have done the shot and then the beer, like, once. Because I do remember that being,

oh, yeah, there's that, And then we did waterfalls a lot. Oh, yeah. Where, you know, in a circle. Everybody starts drinking and then you can't stop until the person in front of you stops. I'm familiar. All right.

Well, there's a lot of... Names, nomenclature. There's a lot of different, yes. Geographical tweaks and little intricacies based on who, what, when, where. I one time saw Northside Joe, RIP, do a hot rail. you know about those no it's where you fucking heat up like cocaine with water in it on a tin foil and then it sometimes it turns into and you you can breathe it in or you just get it hot enough

and then you fucking snort it ah yeah so i saw him fucking take a bongload shot beer hot rail and then i wonder he passed away yeah what yeah the north side joe was this guy we used to buy our blow off of him we were like 18 19 years old because he was just some guy that we knew when we lived over to the city he was older yeah he was a bit older and then one time we went to greeley to a party uh and then like the next day we woke up at our buddy's house and they had a bunch of miss calls from like his sister and yeah he died up there somewhere like in the night in greeley damn then we just had to like drive back without north side joe oh what yeah like we were partying and then he was like all right you know

like we lose him in the night that's fine he's a grown man We're staying at a dead woman's house. Honestly, she's dead too now. Fuck. It's a hell of a weekend. RIP to Jessica Temple. Yeah, she gave us a dog that weekend. So he drove back without Northside Joe, but home with Lumbow.

Oh, shit. Who's dead? Also dead. Hello. Curse at night. What happened? I don't know. Jancicoc told me, were you there?

Remember Thanksgiving? Those shows we did? He was like, oh, yeah, Jessica Temple died. Oh, yeah. And I was like, oh, what? he didn't lead with it right he was hey how's it going yeah sat down and then like a minute later jessica temple died it's like oh what brutal and then he like sex bragged about her and it's like dude she's fucking dead bro oh god she wasn't dead in 2004 yeah or awake no he jansicoc

she's kidding r-i p she was slow gas leak that's just how she passed out. David Tell. Look him up. Yeah, David, Joe. Getting away with it. Yeah. But yeah, that sucked. She was, she was just the fucking, I used to call her Mitch. I took her to the Denver Improv Awards where I won Best Improvisor, 19 years old. I had the fucking cat by the tail. It was a Dave and Busters off Hamden. We were drinking underage and then we grind to dance. And I remember Chris Gallegos, hopefully not our IP, but who knows, looking over and going. like this i'm like 19 she's maybe 18 you know maybe 19 she was in my grade i'm not saying

she was underage but he was just his tongue was going yeah as he's gyriting i quit watching dude he was doing it all yeah he was showing you what how he does yeah well that was like right after they found out that i was actually underage because i would go to rock bottom brewery with um and get drunk after improv class. And then when I got on the house team, it was revealed. So they loved buying me booze. Then it was like, oh, I never bought a drink.

This is what I paid for. It goes his egg body. Undulating. I'm supposed to, I'm doing this one. A lot of this one. Driving the bus. Driving the bus all the time. Just over a woman who's bent over.

Oh, yeah. A big wheel. Well, I'm leaned all the way back getting sucked off. That's what it infers, I think. So I'm standing up, but I'm getting sucked while being leaned back. Driving the bus to school. It's a short bus. A bunch of kids in back.

With brain problems. I'm getting sucked by a dead girl. Big fat guy. Throwing up the thumb. Yeah. That's what I'm thinking about. Oh, shit. Half your life, 19 to 38?

What? Wasn't that, are you 38? In 38, yeah. Yeah, that was half your life ago. Yeah, no, I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing it, which is trippy. Yeah. I started when I was 18 with improv and shit. My next year will be that for me, because next year will be 44, 22 years in the game.

Yeah. It's trippy, man. crazy man I think about that all the time and it's like that's the whole Samolier theory that I've been ping ponging around about how like people are like

well comedy's subjective it's like yes it is subjective but we have a better sense of humor in the same way that a Samolier who's devoted their life to this thing of sussing out notes of oak and moss has a better expertise on wine than you

so yes like if you think something's funny it is funny but if you don't think something's funny well hold on check your head Let me show you some theory. But again, then you're explaining why something's funny, which means it's not funny. No, I think, yeah, no, I think there's something to that.

And we always talk about it, but like, yeah, us who have devoted so much time and attention to the intricacies of joke telling and whatever, and acting consuming a lot of comedy, too. Versus people who have seen a couple of funny movies, but they were on their phone, and they said that it sucked or whatever Or like watched like

You know fucking Watched uh what's the the three man show That everyone loved Fucking You know fuck I'm so stupid right now I was on Comedy Central They would get high and go to work

Workaholics It's like if that's your only exposure To like modern comedy It's the same way if all you watch is always sunny It's like yes that's a great show Workaholics great show But if like that defines your lens For observing other comedy

Look I love Jackass I think that's the funniest thing ever. I also love Christopher Guest. So it's like, I feel like I can discuss both of these things. Same way as Samuel Ye can explain why, like, a fucking, you know, white wine made in Alsace is better with fish. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. I'm just tired of people thinking they know anything of, like, that they know better than comedians.

And also then elevating comedians to this fucking, well, why don't you weigh in on what's going on in the world? No, no, no. You can't have it both ways. You can't think that we're complete jagoffs who don't know what's actually funny. and then also like ask us to speak on like the issues of the world yeah we're in a real pickle no no we have it easy as hell like don't look don't try and have a serious conversation with a comedian what are you doing i was living this world i didn't make it yeah

we're wind up clowns i'm too puck yes you are you were killed in vegas i've been a stand in uh for more comedic insight join the patreon yeah sorry i was sincere at the end yeah no it's great i've had to explain that theory to like three different people recently. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, we care more. So doesn't that, doesn't that, isn't, isn't that a factor? Hey, man.

You're hymns. Buy the stuff. That's right. You need hymns. Buy the stuff. Join the Patreon. See us live. Charlotte.

Come to Charlotte, baby. That's the next one you can get tickets for, Charlotte, North Carolina. A couple weeks from now. And then Unkinsville. Mohegan's son. Whoa. Harmonize. Columbus Comedy Festival.

Back to Stress Factory, Austin, Texas. Just go to samtallant.com. Buy the rest of these fucking tickets. Yeah, man. All right. I want to get my wife's clit hard.