Chubby Behemoth - Like A Dead Warthog W/ Alaina Bamfield

Episode Date: May 30, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://punchup.live/samtallent     Alaina's New Special Out June 7th on @SamTallent at 7pm EST     Sponsors: Chubbies - Chubbies is here to keep you comfy & looking good year-round. Get 20% off with code chubby at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/chubby #chubbiespod #ad     Harry's - Chubby Behemoth fans get the Harry's Plus Trial Set for only $10 at https://www.Harrys.com/CHUBBY #Harry'sPod     Cash App - Download Cash App today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http:///cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week Alaina Bamfield joins Sam and Becker in Michigan. Sam teaches Alaina about Mr. Peepers, wants her to incorporate more wrestling finishes into her set, and gets to pick what kind of cow he is in his next life scenario. Alaina tells the fellas about her malformations as a baby, would love to be a sugar glider, and teaches the boys about new sea lion science. Big sock ideas get presented.     00:00 Freaking Out About The Blood 01:47 Picture Of A Baby 03:29 Brutal Check In 05:10 Four Foot Eight? 07:20 Mangoing 09:56 But It Sure Is Fun 11:42 Pair A More 12:29 Eyelashes On My Nipples 14:12 Took It As A Sign 16:56 Protect That Scar 19:14 Check Spot 21:25 You Know What Would Be Cool? 24:08 A Hat I Bought At A Gas Station 27:37 Too Much Knowledge 29:10 A Nightmare Hell Would Have 32:35 Death Spiral 34:31 Baby Girl Beard 36:54 Marauders And Psychos 41:14 Favorite Of The Fourteen Days 43:27 Classic Switcharoo 48:55 Painted On 51:17 Why Would You Go Over There? 53:56 Alec And Cici's Wedding 58:02 I Attract Old Men 59:29 Pat's In A Blonde Wig 01:01:48 It Was Moving As Fast As Cars Go 01:05:05 Maybe You Should Have Media Training     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   MORE WIDE WORLD: @SamTallent   Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1

Check, check, check. We're going. I started it. Oh, we're good? Oh, yeah. Jesus. That's a weird fucking thing for you to turn and say. Yeah.

There's a bit. There's no blood in here. Yeah, I'm pissed. There's no blood in here. And then the room smells like there was blood or at the very least a bunch of sweat. Yeah. It smells like horrific B.O. in here. And then you're pining for blood.

I mean Have you seen the Have you seen the video of the kid The Vine and he's going Blood? No I haven't seen the Vine What are you fucking talking about?

I guess I know what Vine is Yeah Vine was from like 2011 I know but the compilations live They do live Blood is a good one Okay I'm sorry Put it superimpose it

Is that I use that word right? I'm not doing that Okay well yeah we don't do post-productive on this podcast. We're funny live. All right? So if you think we're going to save you with pitches to some weird vine,

we don't do that. I know that's funny. I know that they're going to like blood. Hey guys, go watch the classic vine blood as recommended by Elena Slamfield. Yeah, that's a little, that's what Joe Briggs calls me.

Shout out Joe Six Briggs. Six. Yeah, like six. So I call him Joey Six. You don't talk about people who aren't here on the pod. All right. I'm just shouting out

to know, he'd be mad of me if I didn't say something. He'd be mad if you didn't bring him up on this podcast. No, if I didn't give him the credit for the Slamfield nickname. Okay. Well, thank God we've given credit where credits do for that rocking nickname. Now, Bamfield, you are on the pod and you're on the shows. And you were showing us a picture of a baby.

Yeah, it's my cousin's baby. Yes, and you said it was cute and it was cute. It was cute. Now, here's what I'm thinking. I bet you were a horrific baby. I was. I bet you were weird looking and no one liked to see you. I really was.

I bet you were weird and transparent and you had no eyebrows and you were hairless until you were like 15 months old. Actually, do you want to hear what it was? Yes, no lips. Eyes crusted shut. No, so I was actually jaundiced so I was like orange as fuck. I was jaundiced as a baby too. I was yellow. Black hair.

I had like so much. I looked like a troll doll. Black hair. Yeah, black hair. It stuck straight up. And I had tortacola so my neck was. stuck to the side and I looked all fucking insane. You had crook neck? Yeah, I had

medical crook neck. Medical crookin. Wow. I had to go to baby physical therapy. It's called Tortacolis? Yeah. It's my favorite tool album. So you were stuck like this? Yeah. Because my mom... And just yellow with like troll doll hair? My mom told me that I pretty much...

They could see every organ. You were like a goblin they needed to kill with fire. I looked like Voldemore in that Harry Potter scene. Yeah, they should have buried you in a tomb. Yeah. They should have, they should have buried

with garlic reeds. I came out looking aborted. That's our baby. What are we going to name her? Throw me in the baby pile from 300. It's going to be harder if we name her. It's going to be harder. What's going to be harder?

Wyatt? Nothing. Nothing. Your father's always worried about the culling. What's the culling? I don't know. You know, 72 people are left on earth

and everyone else goes to heaven. Oh. Becker, you're here as well. I'm here. And we went to a different hotel earlier. We went to the wrong place. Yes. It's always brutal checking in with you and anyone else,

because it looks like we've gathered a child prostitute for... And I'm running to the snack section. You ran to buy Stoufers lasagna, like you haven't been fed in your room for a while. Yeah, you got a bunch of crap, exactly what a child prostitute would want to be fueled up with. Yeah, macaroni and ramen. That and Xanax, of course. I'm wearing a shirt with your name on it. Yes, yes.

Uh-huh. And I have your passport. No, you don't have a passport. I don't. You're not allowed to fly. We did, and you'll get it back if you finish your lasagna on the stream. Hi, my name is Mushkoosh, and this is Make a Girl eat. I have to eat goulash with my socks off.

You get to eat goulash. With them off. I will wear your socks as a mask. It's a Patreon then. No, we're not doing anything perverse or strange. This is, as I had to teach, as I had to teach, Barstools, yak. This is called Riffin. All right?

One of them asked me like, how do you come up with this stuff? And I said, it's called Riffin, brada. Yeah. I've been calling Emily my podna. That's pretty fun. Yeah. Because everyone's calling their lover or their husband or their spouse partner. And I find it kind of pretentious.

Yeah, it is a little pretentious. I mean, wife is off limits, husband's off limits. Why? I get girlfriends weird. I would say, because it's infantilizing. Isn't it? You're my girlfriend. I am your friend that's a girl.

That's why I say it. My friend that's a boy. Are you going to tell everyone that you're four foot eight or do we have to prove it? Four foot eight. Yeah, I'm spreading a rumor that you're four foot eight. That's crazy. I know. Yeah, that you're medically small.

Yeah, yeah. You're no roller coasters. Yeah, me and Dayton both are booster seats size. I've been telling people that Dayton actually was grown in a jar. he wasn't a test tube baby he was the first jar child he was a jar boy it was a david bowie initiative because he wanted people to remember the star child via all the jar children yeah and uh dayton you know he grew to the size of his jar for eight Dayton's name of course named after how his parents you know what they were doing when he

was conceived yeah that's why his brother's name was butt fuck yes and that was my joke and I gave it to him, and I'm proud of it. And I want everyone to know that it's mine. And I'm taking it back. Now that we're done giving credit, we're credits to do. I want to tell people, I have a friend named Dayton. Isn't it fun when you see a comic who has to set up their joke very laboriously and sweatily? Yeah.

You know, when it's like seven lines of setup for like one week punchline. It's like, that wasn't worth any of the work to tell us that your cousin, it'll be like your cousin. My cousin, my cousin, my God, he works with the tire yard. Every Wednesday, they have a raffle to see you get to take home the extra hubcaps. And one time, it was Cletus's birthday. He won that raffle. And it was tough for him to claim his prize because he went to jail for child pornography. And that's like, that's the big joke.

Yeah. Well, maybe that's not bad. All right. Seems like me was the one I just came off. Hold on. That's the best one ever. Yeah. We are 55 stories above Grand Rapids right now.

And when I checked in the service person, the bell counter with their little hat on, said, feel free to jump. People do it all the time. Yeah. I guess Dr. Grins is a real widow maker. Yeah. Yeah. People are hucking their carcass into the Grand River right there, left and right. Yeah.

Well. That's how Chris Catan hurt his neck. Whoa, that's how he got scrunched. That's how he had what you were born with. He had adult onset Tortacolus From a Mango or whatever

Mango Yeah He'd go to the doctor He mangowed too hard Yeah And he got torticoltas Yeah it's like You have to go in front of your like

sponsor after like six days of desperate sobriety and you're like look I need a taper I was doing 30 oxies a day broke my neck mangoing Fuck is mangowing You don't know. You don't remember mango. Is it a vine?

No. Show me. Show me the vine. It's an S&L. You've never seen Chris Catan as mango? Sorry, no, I have not really. But you've seen Blood Vine. It's when you'd be a little monkey man.

My parents were showing me S&L, so I had to watch things like Blood Vine. Hey, I know. Okay. To get entertainment. You also had on demand, so you weren't just watching old S&Ls on VH1 like we did. No, dude. I had the Walking Dead. What are you talking about?

Exactly. Why would I be watching SNL? There's zombies. Chris Catan. break his neck as mango. Wait, have you ever seen Mr. Peepers? I didn't. Have you ever seen Mr. Peepers?

No. Oh, my God. That's what I was thinking of as the monkey. Oh, my God. This is first Mr. Peepers ever for Elena Bamfield. Here we go. Or as Joe Briggs calls her, Slamfield. A Slanis Slamfield.

Here we go. Chris Parnell introducing the premise. Eosemius. a.k.a. Mr. Peepers. You've never seen this before. You know who Chris Catan is, right? That's Mr. Peepers. So the whole premise is that he's like a chimp man. Oh, my God.

Yep. Hold on. They're going to give him an apple eventually. You're going to have no idea what he's going to do to that apple. If you've ever seen a person eat an apple before, Wait till you see this. This was most comedy in like 2000. This is very 2000 coded, I think. So there's the apple. Now, clearly...

Oh, yeah! Look at him to eat that apple. He eats it like a typewriter in reverse. And then Parnell gets sprayed. He hates it. Yeah, so... He did that so long and so hard that he had to get his neck fuse.

and now he's addicted to opiates. Oh my God. Peepin. Peepin ain't easy, but it sure is fun. Oh, my God. He has professional wrestler-esque injuries and walkabout. Yeah. Doing things like that.

From sketch comedy. And then he made a whole career off of doing just a jerk in his pet around. So, yeah, he actually did because he had a night at the Roxbury with Will Farrell. And their whole thing was going like this. Yeah. Yeah. So he was just breaking his name. neck over and over.

Damn. It was all upper body and neck motions. Oh, yeah. I think that happened to Haley Williams. Now, Paramore. Paramo, God, poor thing. She's in headbangs and she's like 13. She's a badass.

I'm kind of obsessed with her right now. Yeah, and like a lot like Chris Katan, you know, when she plays her shows, she's supposed to do an hour, but she does 20 minutes of stories about S&L and then 40 minutes of Q&A. She applied to sexy pizza once and it was pretty insane. What are you talking about? She put in an application of sexy pizza. What was it?

MTV prank show? Yeah, yeah. It sounds like a honeypot situation. No, it was when she was like getting over. When she was working for the Mossad. No, she like had a voice. She was trying to compromise you. She had a voice problem or something as well that she had to take some time off for.

And she was just like, it seems like it'd be nice. I go by the store in Cap Hill. Yeah, well, I remember. I could be on the line and not like see people. No, but my buddy that runs the company did. Do you remember that? That's awesome. I like got.

to hold the person because I thought it was a bullshit resume and it would just be a fun prank and then was like blown away that it was her like no it's really me that's awesome why was she in Denver she lived in Denver forever yeah now I've heard it all do you remember the pizza place that was in there beforehand yeah

what was that place called fuck like pizza vera it might be pizza vera pizza vera showed porno and I remember when Haley was so bad they would show Albanian pornography on the TVs but I remember when Haley Williams applied there they said Sorry, you need a pair of more to work here because they needed big breasts.

Yeah. Yes. You need a pair of more. It excludes you from so much to not have big breasts. Well, as a man who formerly had huge breasts, it doesn't welcome you to a world of fun on my side. Yeah. We're a real monkey's paw situation. I had them.

You want them. I don't have them. Yeah. You're eating a lot of, you said, horse gelatin. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. into a paste. Well, my wife prescribed you something to grow your eyelashes back, but it will actually grow huge breasts, right? That's what you were telling me? Yeah. It was some kind of strange experimental medicine. It was, yeah, and I'm like any pig patient zero for it.

My wife's always experimenting on you. So we'll see. I might get big boobs or maybe I'll get eyelashes on my nipples. Well, either way. Both are pretty cool. Or I could get nipples on my eyelids instead of eyelashes. Either way, you're going to sell tickets. Yeah.

Wait, would you guys rather have eyelashes on? on your nipples or nipples on your eyelids. Eyelashes on my nipples. I'm already covered in hair. It's a fucked up horror show. But think about life. I don't. With nipples as eyelids and like just like closing.

You didn't say eyelids. You said eyelashes. Well, that's not really possible. So it would just have to be your whole lid. You can have lashes without lids. It would just be like a line of like. What do you mean? Just like a nipple?

No one would see if I had eyelashes on my nipples. They would have to be like oblong nipples for it to work as eyelashes. And then it would just be like a line of. kind of look like skin tags. I'm thinking more like you close your eyes and you just got two nipples staring at somebody. No, fuck no. Of course not.

That's one of the worst questions I've ever been asked. You didn't have fun with it. It's not an ultimatum. You've answered too quick. Well, here's the thing. I'm a pragmatist. I'm deep in the world of reality. You ever seen it when like a ward hog's been hit on the side of the road?

Like a splattered hog? That's what my chest hair and back looks like. It's like a dead warthog. Oh my God. Yes. So if I had eyelashes, on my nipples, it'd be a welcome reprieve from the that

bristly boar hair that I'm covered in. One time a sheep died. My wife wakes up with prickers in her, like a porcupine and it's just my, I'm molting. Side of her face. Mm-hmm. Well, you were saying something? Oh, well, one time a sheep died and the creek down by my house. And your father took it as a sign

of the coming apocalypse. You guys had to move into the bunker for six months. Eat the MREs. The Wells Poins. No, I mean, all I was going to say is that when you were describing your trust in back hair, I was thinking about its water, or it's, it's fur and skin in the water. Because we used to stand at the bridge and throw stuff down at it and try and hit it.

Yes, you could hear, it was bloated. So when you'd hit it with a rock, it would be like, it would, you would hiss. Yeah, yeah. It was crazy. That's a fun thing to do. You know, that was probably a big time for you and your inbred brothers and sisters. There wasn't a lot. Everyone on the commune.

Yeah. Yeah. You were wearing your burlap skirts, and you were throwing rocks at the dead sheep. And you were like, Mama, new mama, come look. Sister Mama, come look at me, hit the sheep, Mama. Elena, you are a New York comedian, right? I am. That's how you describe yourself.

No, yeah. Hey, everyone. Make sure you check out Elena Bamfield's debut comedy special June 7th, debuting 7 p.m. Eastern on Sam Talent's YouTube. It's called Untouchable. It's very funny. And I'm very honored and grateful to be involved in the very small way I am. If you want to see me live, come to Austin at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club, 612 through 14, Syracuse, New York, July. Tulsa in Oklahoma City in July, Nashville, August, Naples, Florida, Tampa in August. Virginia Beach, Richmond in August.

Then I'm coming down to Brookfield, Wisconsin, Milwaukee Improv for 9-11 weekend. Winnipeg, Canada. Going up there. Cleveland, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City, Levittown, Brooklyn, Manchester, Denver, Philadelphia.

Royal Oak, get your tickets. Samtallon.com. Pre-order Brute, please, and join our Patreon. A lot of great stuff over there. A lot of fun laughs. Everyone's having a nice time. Alina, where can they find you? You guys can find me on Instagram at Elena Bamfield.

That's A-L-A-I-N-A-N-A. Anal-Bamfield, folks. Annal Slamfield. Where'd your parents find you in American Girl Stahl in Lansing? Yeah, yeah, they phone me in a grocery store. American Girl Stahl. God damn. Allie. But yeah, no, you can follow me on Instagram at Elena Bamfield.

I do a live stream with my friend Abby on YouTube called Bedtime Pregame every Monday at 8 p.m. Oh, up against Kill Tony. Good call. And that's it. Yeah. Well, whatever you're doing this summer, you know, whether it's a live stream on Mondays or having your wig cleaned. Chubby shorts has you covered. Oh, really?

Jubby shorts are the best. They're ultra comfy, quick drying, help prevent shaping. Becker, you had to wear them when you had your third testicle removed, right, to avoid the chafe. That's right? I had to protect that scar. And the scar healed up wonderfully, right? It's beautiful. You can't even see where it is.

It looks like one seam. Yeah, people at the Swingers Club don't even know that you've had one of your eggs taken out of the basket. And that's because the premium wrinkle fabric resistant of chubbies look great all day long. For a day at the beach, grab some chubbies, swim trunks, you know,

maybe you're going to the Ferris wheel to get revenge on your X from above. Yeah. Either way, chubbies. Elena, what chubby's gear have you been wearing? I've been wearing chubby shorts. They make them in baby sizes? Yeah, they do.

Elena, let's say you go back to a guy's house, as you often do. He's wearing Chubby's pants. What do you think? Let me answer for you. I like it. All right, good. Thank you. That's a great personal endorsement here on the ad for the product.

I set you up for it. I love their gear. I was wearing actually their pants in the garden the other day. I was in their pants in the garden. It was hot, but I was breathing just fine. Come on, show business. I was going to say I like the pants that I was wearing. You said, no.

I'm going. I think Chubbies is great. I've been saying that for fucking years. You have. I know. And you won't shut up about it. They should pay you. They don't just make amazing shorts.

Their hoodies, rugby shirts, and button downs will keep you comfy from the beach to a night in the town. Don't wait. See for yourself. I'm worth it. Two million people love Chubbies. Two million people. I believe it. Those shirts, hoodies and shorts of the shit and their flight pants.

Those rule. That's where people than watch the last season of late night. I got to get flight pants. You do got to get flight pants. Well, for limited time, Chubbies is giving Chubby Behemoth fans, 20% off with the promo code Chubby at chubby Shorts.com. That's 20% off your order with code Chubby. Give your thighs the VIP treatment they deserve with Chubbies. And make sure to support the show and tell them Chubby behemoth sent you.

God, Chubby, fun to say, fun to wear. Such a good sponsor for this pod. You're right. You were telling me, that's how you introduced yourself to all the comics tonight in Grand Rapids. I said, hey. I'm from New York. New York comedians. Nice to meet you guys.

You were telling me maybe one of the worst showbiz stories that I've heard about having you the check spot for a different comedian. Oh. Tell that story on here. Okay. Okay. Should I leave out the comedian's name? It wasn't like a bad spot. No, I think it's a common practice that blew my fucking mind, apparently.

Oh, yeah. I think it's honest, it's like a, I feel like it's a huge compliment to Jessica Kiersen, but that she's like a fucking hard for. thought like that's well she did an hour and a half for her people it's her show an hour and some changes basically just her and like a host or whatever and she sells it out she packs it out every once in a while she'll just do like two shows there

and the booker asked me to do the check spot on it and a check spot is basically like the last person goes up and then they're like dropping off all of the checks after they get off of stage and paying them so Kerson's on stage killing Kerson kills she's a very good comedian She is insane.

Yes, especially if people are on board with her shit. She's electric. But her crowds are fucking, I mean, I had fun. They were awesome. But then they're like, all right, well, we've just fed the dogs. And now it's time to get that ward hog up here so they can hump it and eat it. And that's you. Yeah.

They threw you up there. Yeah. That is a brutal practice I was unaware of. Yeah. No, it's, I think it makes them like with weeds out people that can't do it, I guess. Oh, there's no dandelions doing that job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was tough, but it was fun.

And, yeah, and I think now that I've performed for her crowd, I would change my set list a little bit going forward if I get the spot again. Yeah, quit saying slurs for gay people. Yeah, that was like my whole set, but they still liked me, so it was awesome. Right, right. You're like, another thing about you too. Yeah. Guys like you. Guys like me?

No, that's what you say to the guy, the gay guys. You're like, you. Guys like you. Guys like you. You know the thing that pisses me off about you guys. You guys. Yeah. And then you cross your arms.

I have a super Christian set that I'm running right now too. Yeah. You know it would be cool. You should train yourself in professional wrestling. And at the end of your set, you should give someone a Huracanara. I don't know what that is. Oh my God. You could do it so easy.

You could do all of that shit so easy. Because like I want Susanna to be a professional wrestler. And you're kind of like grown up Susanna. You know, you're like a little girl. but you're 42, sorry, 38. Yeah, I'm 38. Yes. Huracan, Rana.

Here, this is the move. So at the end of your set, you just hit someone with this. Ready? This is a terrible... What would I be up on? Well, so you have to, like, jump up and grab them. Off of the stool.

Look. Yeah. Look, let's look. Here you go. So look, yeah. Wow. Hey, that's my time. I'm sluts, I've been Bamfield.

That'd be sick. And also you're going by Bamfield. And then you just hit him with this at the end of your set. Yeah. Yep. And, I mean, it is gold dust, so it's exactly like at the end of Jessica Carson. That wrestler's whole angle was he was like gay. Yeah.

They made him a gay guy. Yep. That was his whole thing. He would like sexually wiggle behind guys when he did his finisher. Huh. Yeah. I don't like that. It was bizarre.

It was a crazy time. In the mid-90s, that was an easy way to say a guy was evil. He was a hit. Also, there was a man whose whole job was pimp. Yeah. He was just a pimp, and he had an entourage of women who would come to the ring with him called the Ho Train. Wow. Yeah, his name was the Godfather.

They didn't do anything? They loved it. Well, did they get on stage with him or on the ring with him? Yeah, they'd come in and, like, dance and, like, swinging around. And he'd be like, bitch, get my money. The Ho-Tren. train. Wow.

Yeah. He was the godfather. That's crazy. I never was shown this. Well, it's so funny, the age gap, because professional wrestling is like a horrific, crazy thing to explain. It seems like so many comedians love it so much. Well, a lot of guys can't just go to the ballet, you know?

It's ballet for dudes. Yeah, it's soap operas for people stuck at the house. It's a team sport where you're working together to put on a show, you know, and you got the great costumes. A lot of Cursion fans like it, you know? Okay. You know what I mean? A gay men love it.

Yeah, all your friends are gay men. Jessica Curson, all of her friends. I think I did, but I was in. Oh, okay. No, no, no, I have a Zinn in. So I get slippery sometimes. Shout out, by the way, to the Mifflin Punchers. That's a hat that I bought it a gas station.

in Ohio. I thought maybe it was a team. I think it is. And I think they were probably the cow punchers at some point. Yep. Okay. And they're just the punchers.

And I thought it was kind of funny. Like punching the ear of a cow? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like tagging it. And, you know, because like where I grew up, we would tag cows, but we use cans of graffiti. Okay. We would spray paint them.

Spray paint them. Yeah, yeah. And you'd write like, you know, Waldo. Or like hemlock on the side of a cow. Hemlock's a good name for a cow. Hemlock would be sick. Well, those, these were our tag. Tag names.

Tag names? Yeah, yes. We would do graffiti on the sides of the cows, so I'd put mine up like Owen, you know? Owen was your tag name? Yeah, like Owen money. Yeah. Because God owed me a bundle.

I was like, was that just like a name that you enjoy? Did you ever have to participate in any brandings? I didn't have to. I willingly demanded it. Yeah. Yeah, my favorite one was my Uncle Tom. I got his ass. This kid named Jeff fell asleep.

You got branded? Well, that's, uh, with what, an actual brand? Yeah, it's nothing there. Yeah, it's 25 years old now, what is it? What was it? The top of a lighter. Oh, that's not a brand. That's not even a, that's not.

It's the fucking germs burn. It went all the way down to the muscle. No, no, no, no, no. I'm sure it did, but. No. It's not a, it was a hot, it was a hot, it melted through all my fat. She just wanted to flex your bicep.

It's so transparent. It used to be like that big and purple. It's worn down. Just wanted to flex his cool arm. No, I didn't, but you brand a cow. It's not a brand. It is too. That's a germs burn.

It's like, it's pretty scarred. Me and David Bory used to give each other burns right there with cigarettes all the time. Right. All the way down, you held it and heated it up for a while. Yeah, you put it down and you lock eyes and if you pull away, you're a pussy. It's a germs burn. From the band the germs. You like put the cigarette out right there on the webbing.

Right. It goes out because it's a cigarette. No, no. It like festers and it bubbles and it smells bad. Yeah, it runs down your arm. Runs down your arm. What do you mean? Look, Becker, it's the coolest wound in the history of wounds.

It's not what I'm saying. I got branded. Okay. And then we heated up coins and got other kids. It was bad. You know what? I didn't grow up in the foundry with you and the rest of the get-around gang. But we did have to do cattle at my buddy's thing, and it was horrendous.

I can't imagine. What did you do with the cattle? But the noises were the funniest thing I've maybe ever heard. What the noises of the cattle? The cows, like, yell, but they sound like they're yodeling. Their little, like, Muppet noises. I know it is. We didn't know what it was at first

when we were down on the farm and we were like impersonating it and then my buddy was like it's not gonna be funnier in a couple of minutes. Let's hear a little I don't know if I could do it. Let's hear a little cow yodel.

It's not that screaming, but close. It's like, yeah, like roarrorororororo yeah. Yeah. The police are here. That girl's in there with them.

That child's in there We gotta get her out of there And then they did knives We're doing animal sounds Yeah, it's 1.30 a.m. Yeah, man. Cows make weird noises. It was nuts. I'm with you.

I wasn't prepared for that as a kid. Cows are cool. People think the cows don't know what's going on, but they do. They live on grass and they're close to the earth. Cows are? Cool. I'd want to be a cow. No.

Yeah, if I was an animal, I think cow would be good. Pig would be too much knowledge. What are the odds you think that you're going to end up a cow that's like on someone's family farm and not a cow that's going to McDonald's and being strung up by its feet and having its neck cut? I mean, I think in this hypothetical that I just created, I get a pick the kind of cow I am. I'm not flipping a fucking coin to become a cow. What are you talking about? He said you thought it would be sick and I'm like only like a very few cow's lives are sick. God, it's like Lund's here.

He told me to do some of his bits. I don't know. Well, actually's here. Well, actually. Yeah, what kind of cow is the majority of cows? No, okay, how about this? You're going to pick an animal, you get to come back as no birds, go. Dolphin. Can't swim.

What? I can't swim. Oh. You're picking one for me, not for you. Why would I be picking one for you? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

you get to be beaver Beaver can't swim next All the animals I think would be cooler No flying, no swimming, no walking Oh No walking Swinging around is fine Three toe

No no no too cold, too lazy I don't want the sloth life They're not lazy, they're slow Yes Owler monkey Getting closer I don't like screaming Arangetteing

Yes Leamer Good call Yes I would be a great orangutan I love when they're walk through the forest like this. I love when they, like, lose all their hair from a disease, and you can see all their skin.

And they look like God's perfect killing machine. They look like a nightmare that hell would have. Like, hell itself would fear these things. Have you seen a fucking hairless chimp? The mage ones, it's nuts. Oh, my God, yeah. They're just pink muscle and death. Yeah.

And they're like, you know, because they can't talk. They can't talk. They're making corn noises. I was about to make, I was about to say something, but they can't talk because they're chimps, you know? Yeah. They'd be like, Oh,

it looks like they're going, ow! Give me back my skin. Give me my skin back. And the old ones get the big, flat, cool, crazy faces? Yeah, from all the knife fights they get in.

Dude, have you ever seen them fight with rocks? No. It's crazy. Wow. Yes, chimp rock fight? Oh, I thought you meant an regatta. No, who knows?

But they're fucking whipping stones. Damn. Yeah. That sucks. They're so close to us. They are. We're right there. Makes you think.

Yeah. Pretty heavy. You would be one of those like gliding squirrels. One of those flying squirrels. Yes, a sugar glider, yes. I would love to be a sugar glider. You'd be excellent at it. That would be my number three animal.

You want a dolphin. You went dolphin quick. Yeah, too wet, too slippery. Yeah. You'd hate it. I want to know why we're not allowed to talk to them and stuff. We are. It's just.

I don't know if it's a rule they have or if it's just a, understanding. What they would teach us would blow us away forever. I think so. The tutelage of the dolphin. Yeah. They try to see scholars.

They also rape. They're trying to convince you why a-ring school. Oh, boy. It always comes back to that when people talk about dolphins. Dolphins are so much more. They use blowfish as drugs.

They play little ball games with coconuts. They're not just big a ring. Or I could be a killer whale would be number two. And then I guess I did go sugar by the next. There's no girl killer whales. They're all boys. They're all boys.

They're killers. Yeah, that's true. I bet the majority of killer whales are girls. Maybe. They're probably like praying mantises of the ocean. Ooh, praying mantis. I wouldn't want to be a bug, though. Imagine making a killer whale come.

You would probably pass away afterward. Do they come? Yeah, yeah. They're mammals. That's where jellyfish come from. Yeah. When a killer whale blows a load, it's all jellyfish. Wow.

Yeah. I'm using my phone. about them like coming, I figured, like, into the water. We hear those noises they make? They're like, I don't think that they can get into each other. You can hear my wife come from across the street, so I bet you can hear a killer whale under water for like miles.

Yeah, the world's crazy. Mm-hmm. Emily's like, oh my God. Fuck, man. That's crazy. They breathe there. They have to come up like every so often they drown. Every three months.

Well, probably didn't take them that long to get to have sex. I'm not, I'm talking about the all of life timing your breathing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I was not over yourself talking about the mating process. No, no, pretty bad during sex as well. I was like, oh my God, do they have to come up during the process?

Well, they have blow holes and that's all their load. Like, but dolphins only like one hemisphere, their brain sleeps at a time because they have to be awake enough to go breathe. That's crazy. See, you want that task? You want to be awake all the time? Sea lions do this like weird death spiral to the bottom of the ocean and hunt down there and they sleep while they spiral all the way down. What?

Yeah, it's crazy. I learned that the other day. Tell me more. They don't have to use any energy. They just... Yeah, they basically, like, and they just kind of, like, spin down to the bottom, and they, like, hold their breath and don't have to use any of their, like, organs or anything because it's all just shut off.

They're, like, in hypermination mode. But they found it out because they had these cameras at the bottom of the ocean floor, and then they ran them. They were just like, was that a fucking sea lion? And it was a sea lion, and so then they started tracking them and they found out that that's... Holy shit. They don't have some kind of, like... like brain parasite that's making them hunt the depths, right?

Like the ants get? Yes. Corticeps? I hope it's not like a Last of Us situation. I would hate sea lions to be zambified. Dude, that would be so scary. They're surviving it. They're obviously built for it because that's so much fucking pressure.

Yeah. So that's not something like they'd be able to do. Yeah. And I'm sure there's a limit to the depth that they will go. You know what I mean? I'm sure it's like off the reef in some way, you know. But it still is like deeper than they like had ever expected. them to be essentially because of the travel down and shit you know.

They just kill it. They just kill it and just fucking free fall. They're cruising down the hill in neutral, Sam. Dude, sea lions just make me think of Detroit's all-girl football team. Yeah. Yeah. It didn't get off the ground, but shout out to them. I think the name was probably bad.

I'm not saying the full name, obviously. Was it all-girls? Or was it Detroit All-Girls football team? Yeah, and they were the Sea Lions. Wow. You see you next Tuesday. Yeah. Yeah.

But they had that, like, printed on the shirts. It was on the helmets. No one went to the games. Yeah. It was very upsetting. Dude, if they launched that, they'd sell more shirts than they knew what to do. Yeah, they'd do a lot of bad guys. They wanted to wear that to prove a point at a barbecue.

Girls can't play ball. I think they can. Well, Elena, you've been haunted by, what was the name of your disease? Tritontilosis? Ah, torticolus. And that was beautiful. because you were born with a beard that was so heavy that it weighed you to the side, right?

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Just head to harrys.com slash shabby after you purchase the last year where you heard about them, support the show, and tell them. Shubby behemus said they could shave a baby with their product. And they should. I think a lot of girls do play football now. They do. They're playing some kind of like hanky football where they tuck it into their shorts

and then you got to yank it out. No, yeah, yeah, the flag football. Is that how you say it? Flag football. Sorry. That's not what I was talking about, though. There's a lot of girls killing it on high school football teams right now. Oh.

I've been saying it wrong my whole life. I played regular football. Yeah. Yeah. I did regular wrestling. Yeah, I know you did. You had... Your bullshit theater.

Well, I did wrestling too. Oh. Oh, pro wrestling you mean? Yeah. No, I just... It's interesting to like understand what the skill set is as I get older with pro-rescent. wrestling. And it's like if you were athletic and you can talk into a microphone, you can probably

become like the biggest professional wrestler in the history of the sport. That's all I'm saying. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not into wrestling at all. No. But the talking about the guys who did it documentaries are like behind the scene shit's interesting because it's a crazy production they're putting on.

Well, they were you. They used to be on drugs and they used to be on the road 325 days a year. Damn. So, like, they were just fucking marauders and psychos, and they're just bumping around the highways and byways, much like Road Comics were. Yeah. So, yeah, but they did it first.

They've been doing it forever. They were carnies. So just... I just want to write a book about a pro wrestler. Oh, I have a good idea for a movie. I should tell you about off the air. But watching a current match, I'd rather do almost anything else.

Okay. Highlights are cool when Lund, like, shows me something cool that happened. Yeah. Yeah. I liked that glow show they put on Netflix with all the women. Stuff like that where you're seeing the back end of it where you're like, oh, this person had nothing else to live for. It didn't like make me want to watch pro wrestling.

No. You know, but I liked the show. Yeah. Isn't that the show where community is nude? Yeah. I saw that part. I saw that part of the show. It's two parts.

Oh my God. Becker. You missed one. No, I saw them both. She's proud of it. She says, hey, there you go. What happened to the blonde woman from community? She did that...

Her name was Britta in the show. Yeah. She was unfiltered, though. Yeah, I know she was great. Yeah, yeah. But her name was Britta, which was weird. She did that remake of the deadliest game, like right when COVID happened. That was one of the first streaming movies.

The deadliest game? Russian roulette? No. Oh, women's NASCAR? Very good. Thank you. Have you been seeing that women have been calling the NBA, the MNBA? Women do a lot of dumb shit, you know?

I mean what? I can't keep up with all the dumb shit that you guys are up to. You know, I applaud your efforts. It's the National Basketball League and then it's the Women's National Basketball League. It's the National Basketball Association. No, no, no, we came first. Yeah, they didn't. We have to...

I do know what you mean, but I also see... The truth in advertising laws, you have to let people know if there's a worse version of the product they're buying. I think basketball is gay. Basketball's gay? I don't even care. Basketball's cool. Slam dunks. Everyone's getting along.

Passing it. We're all getting along. It's boring. Yeah, when they're punching each other in the dick, though, it's real fun. That's why I like hockey. Yeah. But I don't know the rules of hockey. I just wait for them to get mad at each other.

Okay. Well, the rules are also very fun in hockey. You like disagreement. Disagreement's fun to see when I. I'm not, it's not right in front of me, yeah. I like rhymes as well. Disagreements, it's fun to see when it's not right in front of me. Very good.

You should sew that. Should do cross stitch. Should get into that. One of those little, what do they call the? Lonely. No, fucking hobby. The lonely hobby. Yeah.

The loop, not the loop, but it's like the embroidery thing. Macromain. No, Macromain is like making stuff on the screen. Macromiller. Oh, rest of peace. Yeah, he's gone. It's him. It was my first crush. I'm into crazy eyebrows because of Mac Miller.

Mac Miller. Wow. You should date River Butcher. I don't know what that is. He's got Mac Miller eyebrows. Is he a comic? Yeah. I can't do it about that.

All right. Sorry. Becker, wasn't my with your hand. Nothing. I just don't want to say anything insane. I remember. What is you? Is your hand itchy?

No, we're doing the free one. I don't say anything insane. Yep. God. Well, bite your tongue Becker over there. I've been with Becker for 14 days straight. Yeah. You guys need to hang out all day tomorrow.

What's your favorite day of the 14 days? When we were at the lake house riding bikes and sitting on the porch. That was at the beginning. That was in the middle. My favorite day was probably the day I had alone, going to gardens on bicycles and Madison. I think that was my number one day. Number two day was the day that you and Lund had diarrhea, and I was alone in O'Hare.

The third day was the day I disassociated completely. I had lost time for about 28 hours. And the fourth day was probably a couple days we had alone, just me and Becker in Detroit. Yeah. You know, uncomplicated, you know, just, two guys taking their shirts off. Yeah.

Where was Emmy? Oh shit. I forgot to let her out. Damn. Emmy. Well, Emmy last night, you know, she, it's like midnight. And she goes, oh, crap. Oh, boy.

And then, you know, answers her phone upside down. She's like, oh, what's that? A baby's coming. Well, I'll be right there. And she leaves. It's like, I don't care if you smoke. Just stay home. Just smoke outside.

you don't have to make up a fake baby honey she she came back like 10 minutes later she's like oh the baby gave birth or the lady gave birth in the bed you know yeah so I didn't even you know she ran it upstairs washed her hands like come on just smoke smoke outside you're listening honey just have a smoke did you get that hat at an Ohio rest up for real the baby was actually wearing this when it came out

so we don't know on the brim on the inside what does that say I don't know. I noticed it you were just fucking with it. It was like, did you say? What the fuck does that say? I think it says Dion Cole.

I think it's a curse. Huh. What's it say? Did you say Dion Sanders? It says Dion something. Okay. Well, I don't know. I didn't find that at a gas station in Ohio.

No, I feel like I... It seems like it might be someone else's at. I actually got it at a CVS in Ohio. it was like, or a Walgreens. Was there other hats that looked like it? I don't know. Somebody left behind their hat when they picked out of their hat. Well, I told you I had lost time.

Maybe I took this as a trophy. Maybe that's the boy's name. His mom wrote. Yeah. This is what you did the day you dissociated. That's right. That's why you guys have to talk tomorrow so I can dissociate again. Yeah.

We're just going to make sure you stay on the path in the garden. You know what this is? I signed some. guy's hat at the shows at the Funny Bone and then he was like I'm going to sign your hat is what happened there that's a classic switcheroo Funny Bone Columbus

Okay All right I was worried you were getting used hats at new stores No no no I'd never wear a used hat Except for the one I did to the wedding last weekend But other than that Never again Sometimes you gotta wear a used hat to a wedding

Now you had some kind of crazy pitch for me Oh yeah I said hey save it for the pod because I don't want to talk right now. Yeah. Well, yeah, sometimes I'm too much. But these socks, the situation you got going on where they're just never matching. Yeah, which is a weird thing to know about me.

Because I don't ever have matching socks because I don't fucking care or have the time to match socks, who cares? Yeah, exactly. So I think you should sell mismatched socks. And I think that you should do, like, a seasonal package of them, do like four different kinds of socks

that people can get and they're all mismatched. The nice thing about your socks is that they're all mismatched, so you can mismatch them with any socks that you fucking, any same talent socks that you buy can go with any other sock that you buy, which creates even more opportunity to diversify your style. And I think that you should do seasonal drops of them and not like corny seasonal drops, like tasteful seasonal drops. I think what I would do.

In the spring and thicker in the winter. Right, yeah, wool and winter. Yes. Uh-huh. Like some kind of mesh bamboo for sure. spring. I could sell, I would sell like,

you said four pairs. Four pairs and four seasons. I start with like 16 different socks. So. And you just need to design one sock and then figure out which pairs you want to put together or people can maybe buy random packs. I think if you're going to run through the permutations, what I'd want to do is I'd want to have four of one batch of mismatch socks.

Okay. And then all of those in the bag would also mismatch, mismatch another sock in that bag. Yeah. But sock one that mismatches with the other six socks of the eight does in fact match with sock eight. Okay. And sock two matches with seven, three with five, such and so forth. Okay.

So really there's just four pairs of matching socks, but they're all mixed up in the bag. Is that a fair? Because then I just can get matching socks. Or I guess I could. I think they could do the next pack that you buy. there will be a matching sock from the one before. So if you buy all four socks for the season, then you buy next season socks,

you won't know which of your socks will match, but you'll know that one of them will. You know, because one of the mismatched socks will be the same as the last season. I've been hanging out with Becker for two weeks straight. So you can believe that I've heard a lot of terrible ideas. But this is maybe one of the worst I've ever heard. We're going to see what the people say.

No, we're not. We're editing you out of the pod. It's going to look like I'm talking to two Becker's. You can make them with little holes in there. Don't touch me. I didn't mean to touch you. You did too. It was a power move.

If you embroidered around the hole itself, it would stay, and it would be like a Kanye. It would be like a real yay moment. Well, Becker and him align a lot more than me and Kanye do. What? You would be off the mic. You and Becker. You and Kanye off the mic. Very politically light.

I know. Becker's a Nazi. That's what I'm saying. So I could sell just eight random socks in a bag. Right? I'm not going to do the same cut and same material. It's eight random socks. They all mismatch.

The same cut of material. Here's a bag of crap every quarter. I could sell the socks. And also, I have great sock game. I love sock. These are sockadelic. And then this one over here is from the Denver airport. I'm not sure what it is.

It says co-life. Co-life. Yeah. I think that it's something that you're good at. It says, these toes are not for sale.com. And it kind of looks like a Gucci symbol on the top of two. They're a compression sock. Is that a Brazilian flag?

You know, I don't keep up to politics. I'm sorry. But I think that the sock idea is a fine idea because people need to learn that their feet are their friends. For so long, feet are your enemy. They're downstairs. They live in the basement of your body. You don't care. You walk through mud and shit with them.

Big deal. But then you get older and you're like, hey, guys, you've been the whole foundation of the operation. It's time for a cozy little getaway. Then you get some socks and you wrap them in there. A cozy tozy getaway. You were just offended on the last episode that my fucking socks fit too well. I don't like how much you care about your socks. That's all I'm saying.

You guys both are weird about your socks. Becker has perfect socks that are molded for his feet. I mean, look, they look painted on. It's like your socks are wearing lingerie. Show everyone your socks. They look like they look like cooling. They're made by hand. They have compression in the arch and, yeah, they're great socks.

Stance socks. They just got bought out. I don't know if they're good anymore. What are they called stance? Stance. Stance. Stance. Yeah.

St.A.N. C. Oh. Like what I take. Yes, a stance. Stance. Yes. I do.

Someone has to say something. Yeah, and there's a left and a right sock so that they fit correctly. Yeah, see, that's what I'm saying is you should just put your socks. Sox on, you should just reach into a drawer, and then you pull two out, and then you're on your bicycle, putting them on. They have an embroidered thing, so you know which one's which side. You don't even have to open your eyes. Embroidery is for a widow's underwear. They're not for a man's socks.

Okay. That's what I think. Well, I like them. I like having socks that fit perfect so you don't get blisters. I get it. You're the comfiest man in all of Coral Gables. I like being comfy. I'm in a hurry.

I don't have enough time to figure out what socks feel good. if the heels on the top or not. I feel like you start off with socks that match and then you lose one throughout the day and then you go to sleep and then you make up the next day you just put a new sock on the fucking foot that lost to sock. I wish it was due to my ambitions and having to go in and out of socks

because I'm climbing through laser walls. No, I pitch this to my wife and this is a better idea for everyone listening. You and your wife wear the same sock and you just have a drawer in the house and you reach in there every day and no one's thinking about socks. You're wildly different-sized feet.

Emily wears a men's 13. No, she does. She has a huge foot. She's not allowed near rabbits. She can't walk around where there's any ducklings about because she keeps finding them in her toes. She could defend against a kangaroo, though. My wife once kicked a dog to death.

And that was, you know, just to turn me on. That's why she's vegan now. Yeah, yeah, because the dog made her sick after she ate it. I told her to cook the blood. She said, how am I going to get the power? How will I get its power? She drank the blood raw. That's why I was hoping there was going to be blood in here.

It wasn't a full moon. I know, I know. There's the first sin on the ground of the weekend. Hey, something for me to step off. Don't go over there. Oh, it's over there? Why would you go over there? Well, I didn't know where you threw it.

Sometimes it's right there. Well, you're going to step on it with your perfect socks, and they're going to fucking turn to dust. You should see his socks. They're always clean and perfect. I'm looking at them right now. I can see your feet. Because I've been wearing them in hotels for a week.

He walked through the blood. I didn't bleach the shit out of them when I get home. No, no, no. Let them ride. I've never put bleach on my clothes. I've never separated my darks and lights either. Me either. I just put everything in there.

Yeah, see, who cares? You don't bleach your whites. No, I just put fabric softener in there. One time I used fabric softener as laundry detergent for an entire year just because I thought that it was fancy laundry detergent. Whoa. And I put, I just, double fabric softenered my clothes for a whole year.

Holy cow. Yeah. How soft are your clothes? It's like wearing clouds. I was kind of like, why is this like fucking coming apart? Yeah. The like graphics on my teas were like peeling off and shit. Oh yeah.

Because fabric softener's not great for your clothes. Yeah. It smelled really good. It was my favorite laundry detergent. Damn, dude. You were double blasting. I was double blast in it. Uh huh.

Well, you know, being a young person in the big city, you got to learn. And you're learning every day. You're like fucking. Rota. I don't know who that is. Oh, God. Let's get home and watch some Rota. No, you're always pitching

that. I love Rota. Rota was a women's empowerment figure. Rota is Mary Tyler Moore's best friend. She had a spinoff series about her single life

because she was a pimping ass woman. Yeah. She had all the guys, but she didn't need them. Okay. She had a ball and ass apartment in the sky on her own. She had a twin brother

with a hockey puck penis named Chota. And they had a show called Rota and Chota. She had a Guido friend Yeah His name was Guada Yeah

Uh huh She wears a lot of scarves Yeah Huh Her head was connected to her body Via scarf And if you pulled it off It fell off

And that was the end of the episode I was a kid I thought she was like a way older lady But I bet if I rewatched it She was probably a pretty hot lady You know Rhoda had her own thing going Yeah She didn't need a man

All she needed was that bandana And those overalls And her wrench Rosie the Riveter She was Rosie She was Rota the Riveter Road of the Riveter. Yeah, yeah.

And Chota was on the sex offender list. That's because people would say, what's your name? And he would say, check it out. So it wasn't really on here. He'd say, check it out. And he had a little glass panel on his pants. And he would pop it open. And he'd say, don't fog it up.

Don't fog it up, but you won't see it. Shout out to our friend, Alec and Cece. Alec or as Cece's dad repeatedly called them during his speech Alex we had a lovely time at your wedding and it was so nice of you to invite Becker in Yes thank you that's the power of the pod you know Alec is listening right now He's probably um you know Well never mind they just got married so it's not time for funny jokes It's time for celebration C.C. was a lovely bride.

And everyone had a lot of fun. I laid on the ground. A kitten kissed my forehead. And then everyone said, oh my God, that's so cute. Ten minutes later, we watched it eat its own turd. So that's a little lesson for you, Al. All right. Some days you're kissing the forehead.

Sometimes the forehead's eating your turd. Yeah. That's marriage, though. I had to. Emily's both the kitten and the turd. And I eat her That's how it works There was an old band there

Who came up to me and said You look like a guy You might know about some weed And I was like, what gave it away? I was covered in flowers I was wearing flowers in the room In my hat Or hang out of my jacket

Lupin, he had tucked a loopin Into everything We could hold a looping flower On his body He's also wearing a blue Seetru Straw fedora Oh my God And then you rented

No, he bought it. He bought it. He bought it use. Yeah. Okay. And then he used a tie-dye necktie? A kerchief. Kirchiff has the hat band.

That's kind of sick. With the wilting lupins hanging out. Wow. Like a very... Mad hatter. Marijuana mad hatter. Yeah. I'll show you a photo.

Oh, you have... I feel like you would do a good mad hatter. Hmm. Why would you think that? Yeah, look at my looping grouping. It's all over. Oh, wow. That is so mad hatter looking.

That's crazy. That's awesome. So then this guy, I kept getting him high whenever he'd see him. He'd ask for my pen. And he introduced me to his son-in-law at one point. He said, this is my son-in-law, Brian. He's married to my daughter. He's got Crohn's.

And I laughed and I was like, oh, you got Crohn's. He's like, he's a good man. He's good to my daughter. It's not his fault. That's so funny. Yeah. And then when he walked away, I was like, because they always introduce you as Crohn's guy?

And he's like, no, I told him my to stomach ache earlier. And he's telling everyone I have Crohn's. This episode is brought to you by Cash App. Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend called Cash App Green. It unlocks new ways for you to pay, get rewarded, and easily grow or manage your money on your own terms. Term. Now when you spend at least $500 a month with the Cash App card or Cash App Pay, you earn green status, which unlocks. blocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage, higher borrow limits, and custom personalized cashback offers.

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Dude, that's awesome. I attract old men at weddings. I know how to have fun at old men. And then there was old women there wearing fun spring dresses. And I'd say, you're wearing that dress, ma'am. And they'd go, oh. That was a lot of fun. Was that a good or bad?

I think I would keep moving. I don't know. I just kept walking. Yeah. I'd be like, damn, lady, all right now. And they'd go, ah. And I'd go on to the next one. The old ladies, they're ruled.

Denise, what's up with that freaky ass of yours? Oh. Shirley, take that wig off. Let's lube up your skull. It's like cows. Where are we out on this, Becker? We got a couple minutes up. That has to have been an hour.

My God. We're 51.5 inches tall. The Elena Bamfield story. That's pretty tall. That's like almost six feet, right? You're huge. 51 and a half? Yeah.

I don't know. Becker, what's the conversion rate? Well, 60 is... Damn it. Yeah. That's you. 51 inches tall. The Elena Bamfield's story.

Four foot eight. It's debuting live on Sam Talent's YouTube. This is your... Are you plugging my special? Yeah. Someone has to. Yeah, yeah. Well, Elena...

Start over. Okay, Elena. You have your debut comedy special, and it's coming live to YouTube.com slash sam... Sam Talent. Tell them about how great I am. No, tell them about the special and why they might want to watch it.

It's fun, right? Jokes and laughter. It's fun. It's jokes. Edited by Pat. Edited by the one and only Patrick Richardson. Or as we call them around here. It's great.

Yeah. I can't do what you just did. What did you do? Well, it's like fat. It's like P and F. Yeah. It's like a fart noise. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So edited by... Pat edited the shit out of it. It was directed by my good friend Noah Outlaw. And he punched it up, right? He put some laughs in there. Oh, yeah. Put some tags in for you.

We totally doctor the whole thing. You're like, so I'm Elena Bamfield. And Pat pops in and he's wearing a blonde wig. I didn't know the jokes I thought of later. Yeah. He submitted it with him doing reenactments. I haven't watched the full thing you sent me back. I'm Elena.

I'm Elena. That'd be so scary. That's what he was doing when he was in Detroit with you. She's spending his days at the indie. The puppet show. Yeah. It's recreating it, shot for shot. And you're a funny person.

You opened for me on the road. I think you're funny. So they should watch it. Thank you. But yeah, no, I mean, you were. the first person to tell me I should do something with it. I told you a lot of good ideas and you haven't done much with many of them. I heard you say something about the flip or flop thing on the live stream.

Yes. I have a spas. It's gold. Then pay one of your dumb friends because you're going to be raking it in. I'm going to pay my dumb friends to edit my regular stand-up clips and they're not getting them to me. Well then why don't you fucking bring someone in for a portion of the empire that flip or flop will create? when you're literally doing Olympic commentary the next time you crazy gals

get in your singlets and flip around out there you would ascend through the world of tumbling and flipping. It would be great content to create after the I got molested by my doctor content comes out. Yeah, well maybe you should have that ready to go for the rollout because there's going to be a lot of eyes on Bamfield. Kind of like when you were born and they brought people in from the town

and look at the freak paper. He said, look at her, she's wet and dry. Can you believe someone will touch this later. So you were molested by Chucky Cheese. I never listened when you talk. I was molested under the guise of medical treatment by my doctor. You were molested by a car

named Larry. Larry NASCAR? Right? He was really famous driver. Yeah. I'm just like that dumb ass I got molested by a car. So stupid. You got molested by a car that was moving. It was moving as fast as cars go. It was a parked car.

Well, yeah. I was just like, I was just like, what if he was broken to graphic detail? No, I got Melissa and under the guise of medical treatment, which is a lot of different things. Classic prank. Classic prank. You know, why do you become a flexible girl doctor?

I mean, everyone should have seen this coming. He came the key to the candy shop. Oh, my God. No, this is terrible. It's terrible. But this is what we do, you know? When I wrote your special, I said, here's some gold. I hate it.

Oh, no. No. So you, so tell them, yeah. I'm trying. I was trying to say this nice about you. Well, I wanted this part to be funny. I won't. I'm kidding.

Don't say anything nice about me. You're great, and I'm really excited that you've chosen. You know, a lot of streaming services came to you, you know? And, yeah, so, no, it's great. It'll be fun. I have a great little menagerie of, you know, I have Andrew Polk special. I've done the Townsend special up there, and now you, a girl. A girl.

You know, so where's my parade? It's crazy. Well, it's coming. I hope so. Yeah. Yeah. And you've hired a PR firm? I did hire a PR firm.

They paid me $2,000 to get you on this podcast. So I don't know if there was a good use of your money, but I'll take it. Yeah. No, I don't know. So what are they going to do for you? Because, like, the jokes are good. I've seen the material. It's funny stuff.

I mean, they're going to help me get it. I mean, I don't have any representation, right? So no one's been like, hey, I would love to, I think you'll make me money and I'd love to come on your team. Yeah. So I'm left in the same. the position of having to hire people to do stuff for me and knock on doors that I just can't reach, I guess. Right, because they're too tall. Yeah.

You can't reach the door knob because you're 51 inches tall. They're basically, because of 51 inches tall. Yes. Susanna's going to pass me soon. I hope so. In her car. She's a driver. She's a driver.

They start them young over there. In Deerborn. Yeah. In the community. Yeah, they learn her to drive barefoot. Okay. What? What?

they all drive barefoot yeah if you're teaching a kid how to drive barefoot I know what you thought you heard too I thought like that as well what well we thought there was a different implication there's a big population in Dearborn

okay so first of all maybe you should have media training before you talk about all the shoeless drivers in Dearborn and that's exactly also why I did that because I would love to be able to talk to like real journalism people

Oh, not us We just made a joke about me getting molested by a car Someone had to It's right there You should have made that joke You should have made that joke day two I did and I think my PR Would be like, yeah, that's good

Yeah, they should do that They'd be like always yes and They're like do those jokes Don't mention that you're in Skank Fest though Whatever you do Mested by a car is good Larry NASCAR is good Make sure it's but

Easy Or to pitch, but basically, I don't know. But yeah, what they're going to do is submit it to magazines, submit it to whatever. They can submit me to late night if I get a clean clip ever. You need to be on, like, young people media. Yeah, they also have, like, a decent amount. I mean, I can show you my questionnaire. I sent you the PR package, but I read the, I read the PR package, and I thought they were, anyway, this is probably an off-the-pod conversation.

Yeah, we'll talk about it in a second. But I did hire a PR firm and also for them to help with any, like, potential. I don't think they'll really be any backlash, but... Backlash. That'd be great. I say Eskimo. Oh, no. Yeah.

Yeah. But you did say that they should be eradicated, right? That was the big thing. I was pushing genocide now. Right. Yes. That's a special, yeah. PR firms listening to this right now, like, oh, no.

Oh, no. We're keeping your money. You work for me. I'm just kidding. No. It's coming out July 8th. June 7th. June 7th, everybody.

which is a Thursday? Which is a Sunday and it's about a week away. Sunday? Yeah. It's like the worst day for a premiere. I know. I'm kidding. It's a perfect day for a premiere.

Oh yeah, listen to Patrick. He was thinking of ice cream Sundays and he said they were a good time all the time. No. No, Sunday what time? It's 7 p.m. on your YouTube. What, Eastern? Eastern standard time 7 p.m. Perfect.

It will be premiere. It'll start like the premiere so everyone can remind themselves. to watch it a week out. We'll all be in the live. We'll be raising hell in the live. We'll be there. Yeah, you know, just help me, really. Because ultimately, this isn't just

an altruistic act to platform my friend. It's that I do want views driven to the YouTube, obviously. So you get your flowers. They all go to my platform. They say, wow, look at this man helping her. We should give him a bunch of money. You know, she's great, but she's a speed bump

on his, you know, pathway that's paved with skulls. So go set a reminder, engage with the YouTube platform to, Watch. What is it, Alaska? My name? Yeah. Elena.

Watch Alana special. July 9th coming out. It's June 7th at 7 o'clock on Sam Towns YouTube. Alana Bamfield. It's called Untouchable. Oh, what? Did you not know that? I'm kidding.

I was like, do you know anything about this? I wrote the whole thing. Of course I fucking came up with the name too. Untouchable, which is a bit of ironic. ironic once you listen to uh is it eight minutes long yeah it's about a 10 minute long clip that's great um how long is it four minutes of it is probably all crowd work so good hey yeah about getting moleston ask people for their stories oh it gets really sad yeah no it's how long is it uh it's like it's like 25 minutes a little over yeah it's like a check i think it's a perfect

I think an hour is too long to talk about getting molested, and it's too long to hear about someone getting molested. I mean, so. Tell him that. Stop fucking telling people about getting molested. He forgets, like, almost all the time. No, no, I meant that he loves listening to an hour of molesting stuff. Oh, I thought he loves to tell long stories about getting molested. I brought it up so infrequently that he forgets.

Yes, anyway. One in six. He forgot again. I remember Right now, okay Nope, I thought you were like I know he's remembering No, and they never got me

I was too slippery He was all oiled up And say come get the pig Wee No one got me I wanted him to get me I'd love a little special too But no I had to earn it

All right Not like you two Oh God Not like you too Ungrateful bastards Yeah come on Becker go to Edinburgh We're doing one man

show. No, obviously, molesting is bad. Knock it off, everybody. Zero out of ten. Did not enjoy. Yeah, yeah. It's bad to the bone.

But if anyone's going to make it funny, it's going to be young Bamfield. So check out the special. It'll be fun. I'll be in there saying stuff in the live. Yeah. Thank you for listening. Goodbye.

Goodbye.