Chubby Behemoth - Like A Football

Episode Date: January 25, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: Brunt - Get $10 Off at BRUNT with code CHUBBY at https://www.bruntworkwear.com/CHUBBY #Bruntpod #sponsored #ad     Ultra - Don't sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% off with code CHUBBY at http://takeultra.com #UltraPouches #ad     Cash App - Download Cash App today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/en-us/card-agreement. Direct Deposit, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http:///cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week Sam got stuck at home and the boys are going remote. Sam explains his nasty travel day, wonders if Lund got haunted, and wants to get into upscale hot chocolate. Nathan has a theory about how Sam became ill, played an amazing game of truth or dare, and wants to know if Sam took the chicken.     00:00 I Live Downstairs 01:32 Confirm? Deny? 03:16 Clear Throat 05:45 In The Middle 08:00 Not Screaming 09:42 4 or 5 bowls 12:04 Only A Glimpse 15:54 Throbsite 17:27 My Old PE Teacher 19:46 Invented Soul Music 22:45 Fruit Roll Up 24:54 Got That Rumor Going 26:54 Brought The Ruckus 30:35 A Little Treat 33:25 Spilling It 35:10 Not A Lot Of Hockey 37:30 It's Too Much 39:05 Not Really That Concerned 40:49 What Are You Doing Down There? 45:02 Over At My Best Friend 47:08 Eyeliner On? 48:22 What's In The Cart 54:00 OT's Dad 57:09 Speaking Of Chubby Behemoths     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Chubby behemoth, chubby behemoth, yeah. I can see my breath. It's cold in here. I can see your breasts. It's cold there. Can you see it? No. It's not coming through on the camera.

This is good for the audio. Oh, I can see it a little bit. Who cares about audio listeners? It's 40 degrees in here because it's like three degrees outside. Gee whiz. Why isn't it warmer in your home? I live downstairs. but oh yeah and the heat it's just this is a big old sanctuary yeah you don't need to heat up

uh notre dame unless the hunchback's in there unless his bell ring in time so yeah but i tried i i thought i thought it would warm up i think if it just would be colder if i hadn't turned it on so you're sick i'm cold beckers you know both of those things most the time yeah lately I said that it was cold over here and he was like, I should grab a blanket. I'm cold too. And I was like, that's not how being cold works, but sure. No, I was already like chilly and then I'd be miserable by the end of an hour. You're being a cold copycat?

No. Yeah. You got envious that he had a thing and you were like, oh, yes, I'm cold too. I wasn't going to say I was cold on the episode. You're dressing like a male nurse. I like your smock. This is very nurse-colored, isn't it? Scrub, yeah.

Scrubs is coming back. Changing your own catheter. Yeah. You're sick, and I think it's because a sick baby at the airport peed in your mouth. Confirm, deny. That's what they're saying. And I don't know who they are, but they are saying it. And so I'm inclined to agree.

Huh. No, I don't want to yuck your yarm, but I'm surprised that that made it onto the pod, because in the group chat, it didn't even, like, move me at all. But here we are. Because you're sick. Yeah, no. Well, a baby didn't pee in my mouth at the airport. I like the idea that you were waiting to line up and you walked, you walked by.

Oh, see, see, yeah, you're. I'm listening. You're good. You just took your picture. Yeah. You took your baby. I can see. I can see and talk and listen.

You didn't even move. Why did anything happen? You moved the computer. I elongated. Yeah. Well, yeah. I'm not. computers on my penis. I'm not saying you paid a woman to get her sick baby's pee. I'm saying it was

an accident. You're walking by. You're checking your phone. The baby pees. You're not looking. You know, it's the last thing in the world that you imagine is going to happen when you're about to go to wonderful Winnipeg, Winnipeg Bundy. And it just so happened. Shit happens at airports every day. And so I thought maybe a sick baby coughed and then, you know, that caused the baby to pee a little. Gets in your coffee, not directly into your mouth or eyes, maybe into your coffee and now you're sick. That might happen at the Centurion lounge, but that doesn't go down in Delta. Maybe in the elites, in their lounge, they're drinking baby pee. The only way that scenario could actually happen would be out in the regular airport when I'm trying to use the family bathroom to

vapin. So I could walk in there. There's a baby on the changing table. Cut to me. Oh, cut to baby. Cut to mom. Oh, no. And then just my face getting covered in piss.

And then there's like, I don't know, for some reason in this sketch and or film. It's your reality. I have like a clear throat or stomach. And you can see there's like a chamber in. side of me and it's labeled baby piss and it's filling up and then like an alarm goes off and then I have a temperature or yeah I'm thinking the baby the baby is peeing and also kicking because he's ill he doesn't feel good he's kicking and fussing and the kicking maybe kicks an old an old mercury thermometer into the air and that goes into your mouth while the pee goes into your ear

and you're like, oh, it must be Monday. And then you're like, why is the mom in the men's room? Next up, Winnipeg. Can't wait to get my, to recover from this L in Winnipeg,

beautiful Winnipeg. It's minus 30 degrees in the daytime in Winnipeg. It's minus 40 at night. And people keep saying, how come you aren't here? Why didn't you make it up here? What the hell? Well, I got news for you,

slap nuts. If I could be up there, I would be. all the shows were sold out i need the money more than i've ever needed the money it's a great think about what i had to do a week ago you were gonna well boy howdy you know it would offset that giant amount of money i gave the irs some sweet sweet tax free canadian scrobbing a bank rubbing a sperm bank why do you think i'm dressed like this in the french connection i've been in windsor all day stealing catalytic converters i'm not sick i have freon poisoning

Yeah, how long were you at that? People must think I'm fucking rich because they're like, oh yeah, Sam doesn't need the money. That's why he's not going to Winnipeg. I was in the airport yesterday for seven hours. Guess what's 20 minutes from the airport? Your home. My wife, my sister-in-law, little sous, I was just there fucking eating it, just eating shit. Hoping against hope.

Also, United canceled my original flight the night before at like 9 p.m. They're like, you're not going. I'm like, okay, well, you know, I got. What I got to do? Keep a promise to Winnipeg. $700 flight. In the middle. I was flying up there in the middle, dude.

Whoa. From Minneapolis to the peg in the middle. That's how much I wanted it. Now, luckily, that flight and the three subsequent flights that I was rebooked on were all cancer. Fuck. But you tried. Damn. Yeah, you really tried.

Yeah, like, I really wanted all that money they were going to give me. They were going to buy shirts. They love shirts up there. Oh, and I had long sleeves. I had all those black long sleeves, Becker. Nice. And they were all packed in two suitcases. And guess how long I had to wait to reclaim those suitcases after my arduous butt fuck?

Just a big long day, bending over getting slammed by different people in different lounges. Two and a half hours. No, that would have been insane. I would be dead right now. Yeah, I would have. I would have taken my own life. I would have walked into the propeller of the last remaining airplane. You would have put my head in the blade.

You would have let the polar vortex take you. Just suck you into the sky. That's right, dude. Yeah. Your clothes come full undressing before you're even cold. So I just like strip nude to the airport, break a window, and walk out into the nothing. They find me at Wendy's. My iron is through the roof.

yeah that could all happened no it was it was 40 minutes it was after the seven hour of just hey can I put my testicles in this Bible and you stomp it I was Jake Flores for fucking seven hours dude slowly eating the cookie not even slowly I was asking for another one over and over again literally four flights

my flight was supposed to take off at noon you know so like okay that got removed to 1245 okay so my flight's slowly getting pushed further and further back until it's 430 now guess what's taking off at 435 another flight to minneapolis okay that sounds all right well as soon as that flight takes off they cancel my flight to minneapolis there's bedlam riot chaos and guess who's at the front of the fucking line screaming? No, not screaming.

That's what was so weird. A deaf couple with three babies. It's at the front of the line honking and squapping. It was crazy, dude. Swering. Yeah, they're up there like, oh, blah,

have to communicate through their fucking phone. And there's like a sassy, ended up being a lazy-eyed woman was across the desk, which I got to eventually. But yeah, so she's up there like, you know,

this is, this is her hell. It just canceled all the flights out of fucking Detroit. Right. And she's about... She's about to get some trickle-down butt-fucking. Yeah. Some collateral...

Collateral damage in the butt area. It's opposite day in the butt-fuckery. And now she's the one on the stool. She's riding the Sibian instead of being the saddle. So yeah, the front of the line, dude, it's just two deaf people like trying to like, you know, their life is collapsing. They have three babies. like one of those big strollers that looks like that it's like a big lawnmower

but there's three babies it's like a honeycomb of babies they're just fucking deaf and no one else is deaf and that guy's like pissed like he's like signing mad yeah and she's crying

it was awful oh no man we had very different days at the airport yesterday because mine ruled I don't know if you saw the text I sent you about who I got to I got a well to be fair I did leave out the four or five bowls of enchilada soup that I ate while I was in the lounge for seven hours so that was pretty sick and also I was really I was really in the bathroom a lot I was riding that pen man I was riding it yeah and like boy it's like dude I'm right by my house it was just very surreal anyway sure you were at the airport and I did see your text and I was delighted. I, of course, my first thought was, my God, I want to get a picture, but that would have been illegal.

So I didn't get a picture, but you should have. No. You really should have. Who was it? I texted you, too. There was a tiny, tiny person. Oh. Legally small for life.

No growth spurts detected. Like, I said she was probably between 8 and 11. Obviously, I could be way wrong. but she looked inches tall huh no no no she was inches tall probably 18 inches tall maybe 20 what I'm serious like a big like a football

uh in a in like a school outfit or like a like a dress like a it looked like a private school uniform Becker would have been stoked but uh yeah tiny very tiny school girl fantasy no uh I followed Like, yeah.

Two, 20 inches tall is impossible. I'm saying. It's like, you're an American girl tall. I'm saying. I know. You weren't haunted? Hmm? You weren't haunted, right?

You weren't at the abandoned airport out by Stapleton or anything. No, man. I was first class frontier edition. I sat up front. Oh, nice. You got to be the pilot. They're like, you have to sit up here. Yeah.

Keep me awake. Yeah, they had a check in with me. You slap me if I nod. But yeah, she walked in and I was like, my God, you know, it was awesome. But I only got to see her for two seconds. There were a bunch of people that I had to get a real look at because the flight attendants kept telling people to stop so that people could slowly put their shit away or whatever. So I'm like constantly seeing these people that are just standing there waiting to get the go ahead. But not her.

So I only got only got a glimpse of perfection. Well, if she got up to go to the bathroom, they would have to put on the nobody else stand-up light. It would have to be like when Sophie first got Mijo, little tiny chihuahua Mijo, I didn't take any steps in her home. I only shuffled. Yeah, yeah. And the rule was dog on the ground, everyone shuffle around. Because we didn't want to crush him or like sit on him. So I feel like that's the same protocols with...

I mean. Yeah, a little headlamp, you know, so that you can see the light down there. I mean, someone should carry her. Yeah. Someone should literally come, like a fire marshal or like an airline sewer. The pilot should come out. Becker and his nerd in his scrubs. Hey, by the way, Portland, come see me on Thursday.

Wednesday sold out. There's like 30 tickets left for the Portland show. Seattle shows are 60% sold. get those, please attend those shows. That would be nice. Then you can see me in Raleigh. All the boys will be there for Valentine's weekend. Boy, howdy.

Those tickets are very available. As are Dallas hyenas. And I know what you're thinking. That's not Dallas hyenas. You were just there. That's right. We're going to the legendary Albuquerque hiatus. So you can see me down there.

The new hotness. We're driving down. Yeah. All right. You guys have to read all this. the ads i'm just going to lay here that's fine listen just complain oh i got a new comic book coming out too with van eggers to raise money for his legal defense that'll be coming soon yeah hopefully with no page numbers i don't know what that means joe's been asking me a couple questions

don't talk to joe i love joe and i'll talk to him when i want to i love all of you too goodbye don't talk to chadot No, no, Becker. Don't put that, add my plugs for my shows and stuff. Put that at the beginning of this block of ads. Okay, take us in, Ludd. Skip the fashion brands and get workwear built to last. Check out Brunt.

That's right. Brunt makes sturdy boots and top-notch weather-resistant gear, built for real job sites and hardworking tradesmen. You can be... I'm just glad they... I'm glad they changed the name. Because it rhymed, but I thought it was bad. I thought that was a bad name, and brunt is much better.

Let me be blunt. You can be in your brunt work boots all day, keeping your feet dry and comfy. And, you know, we just got our brunt workwear. You guys have been rocking a couple different boot options, and you love them so far. Dude, I haven't slipped mine on you. What did I wear all last week in Dallas? There it is. What did I wear all yesterday at the airport?

Becker showing his forearm. so that you can see how big of a cock the boot has. How huge it is. What were you doing there? I was showing how big it is. It wasn't a perspective. It's huge. The Riley Reed.

That's what Riley Reed does. What? Are you in the band garbage? What are you doing? Dude, these are the, these rock. They're so comfy. We certainly. I got the ones that don't have laces and are a normal length for a man.

And I love them. I literally love them. I think they're the best product we've ever got. They're fucking awesome. It's been snowy. and icy and I haven't been slipping. I have that thing where I get nervous so I start walking like a penguin. I haven't done that shit at all, dude.

These boots are badass. They slip right on. You don't have to sit down to put them on. It's crazy. Yeah, I think I got the brown slip-ons. You got the black. But yeah, I don't really need to go to the job site. This is my job site is the church sanctuary, but I am excited to...

They turn every place into a throb site. I'm excited to have those in the snow. Brunt has a full range of high performance gear from heavy-duty work pants to weather-resistant jackets. No matter what the job demands. Brunt has you covered. That's my big issue with pants. Yeah, go ahead and pass out. You're not heavy enough.

Let's let that NyQuil. Let's let that NyQuil kick in. I love this product, sincerely. They're good. Try it. Yeah, well, let's do a good ad read then. Try a pair on the job. And return them hassle-free if they aren't perfect.

Well, you don't, Sam says they're perfect, so I don't think you're going to return them. Brunt was tired of the workwear brands out there cutting corners, so Brunt built something better. Boots that are insanely comfortable and built for any job site. For a limited time, chubby behemoth fans get $10 off at Brunt when you use code Chubby at checkout. Just head to bruntworkware.com, use code chubby, and you're good to go. After you order, they'll ask where you heard about Brunt. Do us a favor and tell them chubby Behemeanor. had sent you brunt i can't i can't even like imagine what that small of an adult would look

like i guess you said like 18 no 11 or eight years old they look like they were still a kid yeah but they could have been they could have been 16 i don't know they could have been 22 it was hard to tell but i think she was a little girl and it was awesome and i was a lap i would have gone and found no of course not yeah no i'm at the very front i can't just be like I thought I saw somebody back here that I knew. I thought I saw my old kid. My old P.E. teacher, Tondrick. Is Tondrick back here?

Is John Claude Van Damme really in 37B? Did you see him come in? I got to go check it. I'll let you know. I'm going to take a picture of everyone on the plane until I get back there. So we can compare him all to John. I got to know. No, man.

My other. You're just walking with your phone pretending like you're like, you know, like, scrolling. and then I have nowhere, you're like, oh, and he just keep going. You spotter, Yotsie. Hey now. I was worried that I was going to get screwed by weather like you and not be able to fly home. And then I was worried I was going to piss my pants on the way to the airport. That was a real concern.

That sucked. You're at that age. No, no, just thought, oh, it's fine. I'll be fine. And then I wasn't fine. And then it got worse and worse. But then I made it. Thank God.

And, yeah, no delays. Got home, got in early. And then I was worried about snow, but there was no. Did you get that hat out there? No, this is Megan's. Is it a gift? This is Megan's. You look like Drusky.

No, I don't. You look like white Drusky right now. Yes, you do. Hmm. Interesting. I don't know why. It's not bad. Yeah, I guess.

I mean, you look like him more than me. So that's weird. We both look like Drewski. Becker's more like him spiritually. I'm sick of seeing Drewski in every commercial ever. Oh, hey, crazy. It's Drewski again. Checking in.

God damn. Drusky for Quaker oil. Just everything. Yeah. Thank you, Drusky. Stay slick with Drusky, y'all. His dating show was strange. Huh?

Nothing. Dating, his dating show was fucking weird. I'm on a bunch of NyQuil, so I'm in it out. But you got back. Well, we're in Las Vegas. Yeah, I got to see little Eli and Kim and Evan. It was great. It was nice to chill.

Smoke a bunch of weed. Thanks for, well, you guys. For some reason, didn't want to carry, have weed on you through an airport as if it was new. Like, I didn't get that, but I was like, I'm not going to. convince you to take free weed the weed's not a big deal in texas airport but if they bust you with a pen or any kind of concentrate they consider that a hardened like narcotic hard art and that's a 10 year sentence yeah but i was also flying allegedly from dallas to austin yeah so like i didn't really want to like and i wasn't checking a bag it would have been a carry on so it's like i don't

need to risk it all for this half hour flight where there's going to be a bunch of pot when I get there. Yeah. I mean, like I said, I don't care, but, uh, you know, I ended up driving too, like a psycho, so it didn't matter. Brent, Brent flies with three pounds everywhere he goes. Brent gets away with everything that no man should get away with for that long. Well, Brent's dad is a sheriff for a senator or something. It's like a David Lucas situation. His dad is Bob Dole. What's David Lucas's situation? I think his dad, like, invented soul music or something. His dad ran, like, one of the biggest, like, recording studios in the South, I think.

This is all told to me. And then I think was, like, you know, a judge or a lawyer or something. I think he just comes from, like, a, you know, a nice family. hilarious. There's nothing wrong with that. No, it's just funny. That's he decided to get big on Kill Tony instead of also being. decides if you get big.

Yeah. I don't know. Nothing's a Kingmaker. I wonder who was on this Monday. Yeah, nobody knows. Probably David Duke and... You, Drusky? Was it you?

Drusky? I would imagine Diddy maybe got out and Jolaine Maxwell. I mean, they get the best guests. People want to watch. They never know who's going to be on. Guest of the year. It was either Rob Schneider or Druski.

I don't know. They were both killing it. Oh, God. What a nightmare. What a fucking waking nightmare. What are you talking about? What are you doing? Biting the hand that feeds?

Nobody's feeding me. I feed myself. No gods, no masters. You're a masturbator. My hair looks good. This is my Winnie the Pooh top. This is from Lighthouse Ranch. We know what you are.

I'm not bottomless 40 degrees in here yeah what if you were nude in there stuck to the pew frozen yeah you just stand up and the fucking pew looks like a fruit roll up I text Becker without

without looking at my phone I'm like you gotta bring some hot water over here I don't want Megan to know I can't get up oh but yeah I was with I was with Kim and Evan and Eli and Eli wanted to play truth or dare, and I was like, come on, man, that would be, I'm not going to say dare because I don't want to, like, have to run around the park. I don't want to have to eat dog shit or whatever.

So I go with truth thinking he'll be like, what's your favorite food or something? But now he goes, do you have diabetes? And I was like, I don't know. Yeah, he blasted me and I was like, game over. No, he's worried that he's going to catch it from Evan's dad. He thinks that it's contagious. So he's like, if you have diabetes, you have to tell me. Oh, man.

Yeah, one round truth or dare. Do you dare him to do anything fun? No, that was it. He didn't. He didn't really. He like just found out about truth or dare. For sure. You have to go home after that.

But yeah, he's seven. He's seven. Yeah. And he's worried that he could get it from Brian's dad. And Kim is trying to tell him like, no, you get it from eating a bunch of sugar, which he does. And it's like, don't worry about catching it from hanging out with your grandpa. You got to put down the questions. You're not going to get it from sharing a toilet seat.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Hmm. Should have told me, you know how diabetes started? A Canadian pilot fucked him out. That's what you should have got that rumor going in the first grade, but about diabetes. You could have done that.

You could have restarted that whole rumor. Yeah. Yeah, brought it back from the dead. Shit, dude. But yeah, that was funny. It was a good, it was a good time. he's just living in fear of getting diabetes yeah he thinks it's he thinks it's airborne oh that sucks but yeah and i shouldn't know about diabetes i'm glad now that i don't uh i didn't have to miss out on

winnipeg so win win yeah yeah i try to do going up to winnipeg in like september i try to do don't tell or i was hoping to do it don't tell in bagas but there weren't any but that was okay it was nice to just chill and it's also i mean you know like hang or you both know hanging around a kid for any amount of time means like early bedtime like they take it out of you so it was nice to not then have to like leave and be gone late at night and try to be funny but maybe next time i can there's nothing like it there's no uh there's no don't tells in Vegas because the mob wanted a piece of it so they they said no no you can't do it the code of silence is their thing no there are

There was one Sunday. And the guy was like, yeah, it'd be great if you could come in early. And I was like, I have shows or else I would, you know, I'm coming in Monday.

Like, yeah, I'm not going to cancel my show to do this, don't tell. So maybe, maybe another time, hopefully, I'll go back.

I mean, I had Susanna in the torture rack for like 20 minutes last night. I saw that. Because after, after I called it and Hannah and Susanna picked me up at the airport. like six. So

we went back to my mother-in-law, Suses' house, because they were having girl game night for her birthday. So I crashed that. And tucked. I brought the ruckus. They made you tuck. I got to tell you. Oh, I tucked. I had to wear a kimono. My

eyeliner. That's why I'm wearing sunglasses so no one can see. Yeah, I'm all girled out. But Yeah, I got this, like, mysterious ailment. And I think it's because Susanna was just, like, holding my toothbrush in her disgusting hands. She went through my bag and took my toothbrush out and was just, like, greasy, grimy gopher in it. And then I brushed and then I woke up and I feel terrible.

So, or maybe, you know what happens? I swear to God, whenever I, like, get an accidental, like, bit of time off, my body's like, this is it. Time to die. We can be sick. Time to. to sluff off all the illnesses that your body had been attacking. Yeah, my body's just like inside of me is just all pus, I think. And then as soon as it's like, okay, you're going to have a weekend off and it's the

AFC championship and the Broncos are in it and you can actually watch it at home and not miss it. Okay, you're going to wake up and it's like someone planted a watermelon in your forehead. I mean, listen to me. Yeah, I can even. hear it. I don't sound good. Sound like Becker. This isn't how a good guy sounds. Yeah, you sound like me.

How long was there was some kind of temporary plan where you were going to do what, six shows on Sunday? I saw you fuss about moving the shows to Sunday and it's like, no, I'm sure you're not. Did you see the polar vortex with the huge jugs? They were like dumped right on top

of Winnipeg. They were Winnipeg's hat was like the right tip of the vortex. It was crazy. It was the meme of like the Keck looking up at the shadow of the boobs in Winnipeg was the keck. So yeah. I did. I mean,

I don't know if that's real or not, but I do love it. And I like that you sent it to me. It's a big meteorology report. It's like a big swinging, stacked set is rocking all over, uh, in the middle of Canada.

But yeah, I don't know, dude. At like 4.30, I knew I wasn't making it up there that night, obviously. So it's like, okay,

let's move them all to Sunday. And he's like, cool, we'll do a five o'clock and an eight o'clock. And I'm like, great. Maybe I can see all of the Broncos game. So I'm in the lounge, you know. They're taking my shoelaces away. So, yeah, I was going to do two Saturday, two Sunday, and then fly to Portland and just be in Portland for like a week being strange.

Nomad. Damn. Wonder. Yeah, I just have to, what am I going to do? back to Detroit for 36 hours and then fly all the way across the country back to Portland. Yeah. So now I'm flying out Tuesday night late. I'll wake up there Wednesday.

Refreshed. You guys will come in and be like, can we have cheeseburgers? I'll be like, yeah, I don't care. I'm thirsty. Yeah. I'm tired. I'm hungry.

I'm thirsty. You're all Kevin Schultz. Yeah. My wife was supposed to come down here and take over for the second half. half. Is that right? Yeah. I was like, can you just do the second half? And she was like, yeah, yeah, I'll come down. So she was going to sit in and give you the other half of the story, but not anymore. If you're looking to cut back on stimulants but still want a little treat, check out ultra pouches.

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sous just literally like ah smashing her you know and then we We played some board games that was fun. We had Dave's hot chicken. It was a blast. But yeah, when Susu went to bed, it was time for the nail files to come out. They were just sitting around the pool hall gossiping. Just spilling it. It's crazy.

It's like I didn't know. There was like family members. They're like first cousins I'd never heard of. And they're like, oh yeah. Well, you know, he's in jail for stalking his sister's wife. And I'm like, oh, what? I don't know about this guy. They're like, yeah, you do.

You met him at the lake. I'm like, oh, that guy? I was in like a kayak with that guy. They're like, yeah, yeah. He's in prison forever. Yeah, just like real ancient. My mother-in-law was like talking about like, oh, and you know, young people are having sex later and later.

God, I don't see the big deal. I was, you know, I was 15. I was having crazy sex. And I was like, oh. God. Meanwhile, Emily and Hanner, not batting an eye. They're just nodding, you know, checking off their sheets. Yeah. She's like, I was having crazy sex. Oh, she's like with other kids. It's like, I know. Still, knock it off. What were you doing at 15? You were, you knew all about it. It wasn't, it wasn't 1963. I just, I don't like hearing about that stuff with, you know. my de facto mother the only mother i have left yeah i don't want to hear about her fucking you know

getting the the gold star helmet at lovers lane there's nothing else to do they had like three tv channels i get it yeah no i mean one of them was the coldgate channel like it was a long time ago you want to talk about uh a lot of sex that you'd rather not uh be privy to megan and i just watched all of heated rivalry. My God. That is a lot of gay sex. I'm guessing neither of you watched it, but it's very good. No, that's not my thing, but I'm glad you guys are figuring out what works for you. It's just, it's very good. It's one of the guys that did Letterkenny and Shorzie. So that

was interesting. I didn't watch any Shorzie, but, and there's not a lot of hockey. I didn't watch any letter, Kenny. I've seen some a Letterkenny. There's like 12 seasons, and I didn't get hard into it. I mean, gay, Canadian, that's redundant. You know, pick one. Give me a hat on a hat. Well, and it's funny because it's like two of the best hockey players, you know.

Wayne Gretzky? It would be. Bobby Orr? It's like Crosby and Ovechkin if they were blowing each other. So that's pretty cool. Oh, is that what they're doing? They're, but, well, I'm just saying they're like the two best. They're not like two scrubs.

But is it full ped? Yeah, they're doing it all. You're seeing full ped? No, you're not seeing. It's not poor. It was on Canadian TV. So there's no schlong. I don't know how they do it up there after 10 p.m.

There's no schlong, but there is. There's, and it's crazy because it takes place over a long, like 10 years, nine years. So there's a lot of moving ahead six months. And it was just a lot to imagine like you're into this dude, but you can only see each other like twice a year, kind of for like 10 seconds. Anyway, it's very good. That'd be great. That was me and you. We just saw each other occasionally.

It had crazy sex and aren't. and then we went out on the ice. It would be like Chrysher and Segura. The two bears. The best comment. I think Emmie's upstairs watching FreeBurt right now. That's why she couldn't come back. Did that come out?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, and I was coming downstairs. We were upstairs watching Glass Onion. We'd never seen that before. We didn't want to use our brains. We were like, how about Glass Onion? And then I went downstairs and I was like, you're going to keep watching this? She said, ah, no, it's too much.

I think I'm going to watch Free Bird. she's good she's good the dumbest shit you can imagine yeah hey the people like it you know what are you going to do I don't know if they like it

they just came out so I don't know if it's good maybe it's good Abby uh oh are you watching free Bert are you watching free Bert? Oh I guess it was too horned for her.

She's getting too worked up. You know, she's going to be in Seattle this weekend. She's going to see you guys. Nice. You better remind your P's and Q's. Okay. No dumbassery, Rebecca, Lund. No scratching.

No promises. You better get me in my own room. No, we're all in one, actually. I just realized that. Are we in that same hotel? I like that hotel. I have no idea. I don't have a manager.

I just kind of. find out and then I go oh fuck I wish someone handled this for me I thought Sophie get Sophie on it yeah Sophie's busy making clothes for looboos so can't really can't really give her the keys to the castle just yeah little bronco uniforms dude donkey game tomorrow this is huge I'm not I'm not really that concerned I think we've got a hell of a shot for sure it's kind of a win-win either they win against most odds or they win a game that they're not expected to so you know it's an asterisk i guess if they if they lose it's like yeah but what if they had had bow and then it's just next year and and it's it's who's it's going to lose to the seahawks i think i mean i guess yeah for sure anybody can

anybody can beat anybody uh but the seahawks fuck i mean they're nuts so dude i can Seahawks are in the bowl. Next weekend's going to be lit in Seattle. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Everyone's going to go nuts. There's probably going to be big parades for like visiting comedians and stuff. Everybody's going to be horny.

And podcast third mics, Becker. Yeah, horned up. Becker's going to be on a float just letting it swing. It'd be like if moving it around like this. It'd be like if Drake May and Boe Nix were 69ing every chance they got. Yeah. No, I guess they're new. I don't know if there's room for that in the game.

game they're newer so who's like 10 years in i guess josh allen and mahomes that's probably better if they had to be hockey or people would be pissed they were on top of each other i mean that's great that'd be great for them if that was their thing but uh you know it'd be tough to just watch that happen if i had to like be in the room emmy how are you suppose like poop down here is emma like literal poop oh in your in you're in your in your in your area in the place that only my room smells like poop like like a shitty well like she comes down to the studio what are you doing down there you make you make shirts that there's not a toilet

shit people applaud you for it i mean that's kind of what i'm doing no you use paint but if you went a different direction and you try to use your own shit uh that's when we would have to lock you up evy do you want to come on and defend me put you in the salarium seal it dude so we can smoke weed in the salarium though so i'd chill it in there and it's cold is it snowing a bunch there or is it just cold oh yeah because we didn't we hardly got any snow but it's fucking two degrees or whatever tomorrow it's coming down it's coming down in ham canyon baby i want to i want to i want to well i don't know if that's fair but i'd like to get into making upscale hot chocolate yeah like the spanish style that's like basically chocolate

No, it's kind of, it's not just for one race or one people. It's for the world. Yeah, but there's that Spanish, Basque style. I think it's Spanish and French. That Basque style that's like cake icing that has been cooked. See, you're already getting precarious by not knowing if it's Basque or Spanish or French. So what I'm trying to do is kind of like if you had like, I don't know, like cupcake filling, like chocolate, like chocolate cupcake filling, but like melted it down. Yes. So nothing like what you're talking about, Becker, kind of my own thing.

Yep. I'm going to call it Sam's Basement Liquid. I'm going to make it down here. I'll ship you guys some samples. Not if it smells like shit. I don't want any. It doesn't. It's really good.

Emily begs to differ. That's a prototype. And it's been in here. I thought I was going to be able to ferment for a couple extra days, but I came home early. So yeah, that wasn't ready yet. And that was also sheep's milk. But I'm working on a bunch of different flavors and ideas. Yeah, it's just called Spanish.

Spanish hot chocolate. According to your 10 second pause. 10 seconds of Googling. Yeah. What are you up to over there? I'm looking it up. It's the best. It's the one you dunk the churros in.

Oh, man. Me and Ebmy just had like, we just went hog on some fucking, delicious tea and some Oreos before we came down here. Oh. Yeah. Damn, much Oreos. And now my day quill, or my NyQuil's kicking in, so. Did you sleep old day?

You guys are going to have to run out the clock. Did you sleep during the day, or have you been awake making shirts? Yeah, I've been, I've been working on the French, the Parisian French dialogue in my book with Zach Mama all day. Oh, boy. Oh, joy. yeah mama so that's been good and then garner guns weighed in on like the gun stuff and then i thought you were done a couple marines read it it's never done bro i guess you got to make sure it's perfect actually i don't do that i'm not a perfectionist but i do want to make sure that like

it sounds like parisian french sure and luckily my editor suffered a terrible tragedy so i have an extra week what yeah it's fucked All right. Why do you get a week? I guess it's not for you. Well, yeah, he didn't say, hey, good news and bad news. We found her. Next up is our good friends over at my best friend, Cash App.

These sponsors are all my friends, but Cash App is my best friend. And I'm not pals with many of our sponsors, but man, I love it when Cash App texts me. You coming over to chill? And I say, yeah, dude. I'll bring the weaners if you got the cold one. Cash App's the homie from way back. They're looking out for your wallet and your future. Financially and fiscally, Cash App says, come at me, bitch.

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I show you my penis and balls. Got an indecent disclosure. Damn, dude. I don't think we're going to cap that diabetes thing. Yeah. Kids are so weird. What was your question? I was going to ask why you have those shades on.

Is it really because you have eyeliner on? No. It's because I have this light in the basement. I've been avoiding light all day because I'm fucking, I think I have, it's something in my head. So like my eyes are like pressurized and like there's just this like, I don't know, throb right here and I can't breathe out of my nose and my sinuses are on fire. Huh.

Sounds like a sinus infection. Yeah, thanks. Kid Detective. You got sprayed. You should be in the glass onion, solving the mystery. There was also... I'll be your gay southerner. There was also a Bourbon Street power washer at the airport that got you.

You turn a corner. Giant truck. No, the baby's pissed was such a powerful street. Splashed up all of DTW right in my face. There was just a guy holding a baby at like chest level, just kind of swaying them back and forth. And then there was a robot falling in to clean it up. that's how they clean it off dude today

went to Kroger and Dearborn we slept in Dearborn last night this sucks this bummed me out so much we're leaving security guard has her hands on a guy's cart he's protesting

she keeps saying we're going to wait for the police to get here he keeps saying well aren't we going and talk to him she says we're already outside what's in the cart 24 pieces of fried chicken the guy was stealing 24

pieces of fried chicken just in the cart in boxes not in bags he like literally walked in just put him in the cart pushed him out got busted bad day bad look damn

help for the guy why didn't you help what am I supposed to do And you buy the chicken. Hey man, don't worry. Come on it, I'll handle the chicken. He doesn't want anyone to know. I mean, it was already bad enough that I was filming him.

Well, and why didn't he just bail? Because he wanted the chicken. I mean, isn't that when you take off? Why don't he eat the chicken in the store, man? It's like, hey, lady, this chicken is all mutants that were like stillborn. Let the guy have the chicken. it's negative eight He's doing you a favor

He's eating the bad chicken He's stealing it You can ride it off Also Based on the way he smells And the flies that are gathering around him I think he slept outside No ma'am

If you lived outside Wouldn't you want a little hot chicken Maybe warm you up Yeah that's got to be tough To be like no no No food for you Yeah Go peel some bark

You can't have any food Human being My job is to make sure people don't get food if they need it the ones who need it the most people with money they all these people that are going home to their homes that have food in it already they don't need it but you you need it oh did you uh did you uh end up taking that chicken while they weren't looking no but i got the honey mustard good work thank you hung out of the airport for seven hours the other day.

Oh yeah, you got butt fucked. But fucked hard because like right when we split, I went to the bathroom and then I went outside and had two cigarettes. And like as I was coming back in, I got a text message. Yeah, well, one right after the other. But I got the text that said the flight was delayed. Was it seven hours right away? No.

Like right away, it was like 45 minutes. So I was like, well, that's no big deal. that'll be fine. Better have three more cigarettes. I was like, I only have two cigarettes left. I'm going to have one of them now and then go through security. So I hung out. I watched YouTube for a little while before I had a cigarette and then went back in.

And then like as soon as I got through security got another text message that then said it had been delayed seven hours. And then like two hours before that flight got a text message saying it was delayed till. 1230 in the morning. What the fuck? And that was what we all understood and people were like losing it at the gate. Def can they found a plane for us is like how

they tried to describe it at the fucking gate. They were like, oh, we found a plane. So we'll be leaving at 828 now. 828's the time. So we all loaded on. They're not closing the door, dude. Like everybody's been on the plane for 15 minutes and they haven't closed the door.

door like no one's moving around people up front are like starting to ask like what's going on and the stewardess at one point was like we're waiting on another passenger and this one the one guy cracked me up he was like we're leaving seven and a half hours late who the fuck are we waiting yeah we got we got to take our time with this yeah and then it turned out to be an employee dude and like three different people at the very front of the plane were like it was an And block you. Dude, then we sat on the tarmac for like 45 minutes because we lost our place in line. Oh, God.

And you were hurting for a squirtin. Yeah. Yep. I found like kept finding like quiet corners of the airport, but I was there so long like it'd be chill for like two hours. And then that would be now the busy spot in the terminal. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You got to watch the seasons change.

I tried to go to the club like San Diego. Sam suggested and one of them was closed for construction and the other one was full. Oh, shit. They're always full. Yeah. So that was a fucking delight. They gave everybody $10 food vouchers and I watched like, I don't know, a 70, maybe 73 year old, a very wealthy white woman, lose her fucking mind on the agent about the $10

voucher. And that really cheered me up a lot. Which direction did she lose her mind? This is an insult or give us more? This won't even pay. She kept saying this won't even pay for Panda Express. Well, that's not true. Just get the bowl.

I need to pig out. I was just like, yeah, I mean. There's a man stealing chicken in Detroit. This does suck. Yeah. Well, it's so, it's so annoying how random they are with what they offer. Because like that time, you know, beginning of this. year there was my flight to rapid city had been delayed at like an hour and a half or something and there

was another flight and they asked if anybody would go to that other flight for a thousand dollar a thousand dollars in travel credit but when they announced that the flight left like 30 minutes later like it it was so weird and it's like i got it i took it it's the year of the mother you're rich but yeah i can't nobody can say shit but it didn't make sense and it's like you don't do this unless you have to and then they don't even want to do that it's people are fucking sick of it especially now that so many um there's whole accounts that explain you know lawyers that explain what you're owed or whatever so yeah yeah it sucks that they're still like shitty about it weird about it it was fucking meanwhile i met the mexican o t's dad

nice so that was my that was my what i was doing while you were at the airport blowing guys for refries. The what? The what Mexican L.T? O.T. He's a big rapper. Oh. His father happened to be in my sphere.

And I said, hello there. Then we talked about a lot of stuff. Yeah. You knew who this dude was or did he, the dad is telling everybody? The dad introduced himself and said, I'm the Mexican OT's dad. I said, all right, he's pretty cool. You said, I'm the quarter Mexican Sam T's self in the flesh. I'm like your son.

We're the same guy, sir. And then I tried to like extract myself from the conversation for 45 minutes. Yep, he's very proud of his boy. I like that. Hell yeah. But, you know, I don't know if a lot of people would want to talk to my dad for 45 minutes. if they were if they were only like aware of me

through YouTube shorts you know yeah after you after you put on what's his name Rockwell what's the guy's name that you like Shakewell

Shakewell yeah that's how you know the Mexican OT is just going to the bathroom during leg lock I could be Shakewell's dad you could be Shakewell's brother we could all be related to Shakewell

honestly not you back in question yeah he is he's all greased up he has that insane music video with fat nick where there's like twins with fish lips they're making out of a tree i haven't seen it yeah you should look let's see if i can find the name we'll watch that for the last time of it's well let's shout out the patreon man if you think that these episodes are good the free ones head over the patreon we started so long ago that means there's a whole lot of yummy goodness for you for only five bucks a month, patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. Speaking of chubby behemus, look at that thorax.

Look at that chest cavity. You're not muted. The Mexican O.T.'s dead. Don't kill the video. Then it breaks up the file. Stop it. What's you doing? Thrashing around.

Yeah. And he didn't mute so I could still hear him typing. He's breathing heavy. Like he's a Mexican Otee's dad. Now he's unplugged his mic. Oh, he's going rogue. Let me read the ads while he's being a dumb ass. I clicked the wrong thing.

The song is Pemex, P-E-M-E-X by Fatnik and Shakewell. It's from 2019. And boy, howdy, I recommend it. And now I can write off my YouTube red subscription. Is it YouTube Red? Is that what they called it? Yeah, that sounds right. It was like Pornhub on YouTube.

It used to be YouTube or YouTube Red was like the one where they were launching their own shows and stuff. And it was going to be like a streamer, streamer. And then they killed all that content. And so now you can have YouTube premium where you pay to have no ads. I think I'm hallucinating. You're playing your mic like a harmonica. Hello, little girl. Who's down there?

That 20-inch girls down here. Polly Pocket. Oh, man. Yeah, it was funny for sure. And yeah, I wanted more time. But then she was gone. We all. I almost didn't.

I mean, just next time get a picture. No, that's awful. That's not awful, but it's weird. She's a small, she's not,

yeah. She's not tea. Hold your camera down low. Tequila. on the aisle. Flash. And she walks by, you'll get her. Get like one of those deer cameras.

Set it up in the aisle by the bathroom. She's, you should have picked her up and you're helping people put their bags up and you pick her up and put her in the overhead too. And he's like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see it down there, Lolita.