Chubby Behemoth - Like A Million Swords

Episode Date: February 15, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: Factor - Use code chubby50off to get 50% off your first box, plus Free Breakfast for 1 year at http://FactorMeals.com/chubby50off     IndaCloud - If you're 21 or older, get 35% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHUBBY at https://inda.shop/CHUBBY #indacloudpod     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are al together in Raleigh! Sam tells the boys about the time The Fine Gents did show at a hash festival, remembers be directed to his own special chair, and tells some stories from Mouth House days. Nathan is reminded of last valentines day, loves the idea of casts in football, and wants to talk about Professor X. Nub for Nub.     00:00 My One And Only 02:15 Tough Valentines Day 04:04 Not Redacted 06:39 Legalize It 08:34 I Gotta Revamp 09:44 The 710 Cup 13:55 Thought He Did His Time 15:23 The Devil 16:20 New One Every Summer 18:03 Make A Rule 20:03 Had A Head Slap 22:15 Looked Down In The Mirror 27:11 Drinking Horchata 30:32 Sexual Tear 31:41 Half My Life 33:35 Lint Hash 34:54 We Needed One More Person 38:25 That Red Stains Your Shirts 42:33 Quick Break 44:19 Nun Holding A Crocodile 46:52 How Sacred It Is 48:17 Encased 51:55 The Sword Will Help Man 53:48 Don't Want Any Of That 55:17 They're Like The Dead 58:00 Tip For The Young People 01:01:22 Penalty Box Over Here 01:03:39 Where's The Bag Bonzo?     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   MORE WIDE WORLD: @SamTallent   Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1

Are we going? Yeah, we're going. Great. What a joy it is to be here with my one and only, my true love on Valentine's Day. Nathan Lund, everyone. We need this everywhere we go. Crystal, chandelier. I guess if you can't see it, you would imagine like a million, but it's more, and like glass, crystal.

This is more like uncut gem, white. It's like what you would have. You would bang indica flower underneath this thing and she would get power from it. Yeah. Yeah. It would levitate you as you're making love and she would pull away like the ghost and ghostbusters

that blows Dan Aykroyd. That's what this would do to indica flowers. Makes his eyes, cries. Yeah, and you're just like, a cigarette hangs off your lip. Yeah, I think maybe this year would be a good year to embrace rocks, gems, crystals. What if we became a crystal pod?

I can't abide by that. heavy. They're heavy, but we towed them around. No, I don't want to tote them. You don't have to tote them. Maybe I haven't been home. Okay, I do the rock tooting. Becker's got six extra bags he has to check.

They all weigh 70 pounds exactly. I have to arrange them in your room correctly before you can relax them there. We have to get a huge raised truck every weekend to be able to carry the load. All the weight. I learned what payload is. Yeah. Indica flour. Paid by the load.

Yeah, that'd be sick. Now, where did you tell the load? these, our fans, where did you tell them I was last week? Adventuring, sick, counting my money. I was home and you didn't want to go remote. I didn't have my shit with me. I didn't bring my stuff with me. I remember I was living my Bonne Vovan lifestyle up there in the Great White North.

And I went to Denver to hang out with my sister. And yeah, you didn't want to drive up to see your best pal on his favorite day of the year because you had to see your lawyer Bobby Crane Oh yeah That was nice You chose Bobby over me No I chose my wife

Being home with my wife You'd roll my eyes I have met her The Creatch Man She's great Well I heard you had a tough Valentine's day And then Bobby came down And we had a nice time at my house

Because normally I'm watching football With my wife Who's not watching No Can't listen I thought, so, oh yeah, this was funny. She's watching the Great British Bake Off. She's watching heated rivalry.

She's watching heat over and over again. I wish. Saying it word for word. She is often, or no, oh, during the Super Bowl, she doesn't realize what a field goal is versus an extra point. And I was like, Megan, you've grown up, your family watches a lot of football.

You're from America. Right. Yeah. This isn't your first day on earth. She was so violently ignorant of the ins and outs of football. I had no idea. Did you get mad at her? No, I thought it was hilarious.

I bet I would have. Yeah, you would have cared. I bet I would have gotten a little mad. Yeah. You would have been like, oh, all right, I guess, yeah. Your dad didn't keep a roof over your head and teach you how to drive, stick, and change your oil. Once were three. Yeah, I was.

It rocked me pretty good. It was kind of a dog food reveal as far as like the, whoa. Yeah, we're different worlds. Would have never guessed her knowledge was that little. Do you know what a safety is? I'm sure she has no. Eye formation? No.

Forward pass. Yes. John Elway. Yes. All right. Her dad looks, looked a lot like John Elway for a while. I want you to prove that to me.

I got it all the time. I would like that. I'd like to know. I didn't know what one of those things was. I've met him. Yeah. I met Ron. Me and Ronnie, we hang out from time to time.

Separate from you. We have our own thing going on. Do you want to tell them about your rough Valentine's Day, though? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope you guys had a good Valentine's Day. Mine started off rough because I found out my beloved wife, Creach is in the Epstein emails. A lot.

And her name is not redacted because she wasn't a victim. Right. She was victimizing. She was a middleman. This is a free one. I don't want to joke about. The E man. E.T.

Eddie Torres? Those girls would have loved a phone home. God. That would have been great. In the first two seconds. Hey. Well, I wanted to more talk about how you ran that joke by me. One comes up, is this funny?

And I'm like, right away, of course. It's if you thought of it, you know, you're the man. That's what we do. He says, is this funny? I hope you're enjoying Valentine's Day. I had a rough Valentine's Day. My wife's all over the Epstein files. I was like, that's funny.

They say, cool, it goes on stage. He says, hey, everyone, you guys having a good Valentine's Day? Yeah, I'm having a rough Valentine's Day. My wife said the emails. And everyone was like, what? What emails? I mean. Is that my fault?

that they didn't get it. It wasn't ideal. It wasn't ideal. I know. I know. I know. I figured I could get away with, it was the early show.

Yep, Valentine's Day. So I was a little scared. And I thought, if I don't say his name, but I say in the emails, everybody will get it. But that I wasn't thinking, Valentine's Day crowd,

a bunch of them were like 58-year-old couples. Yeah. No idea who you are. So no idea who I am. No, happy to be out of the, the house. The guy who doesn't swear is sold out. Right. So let's go see the other guy. Surely there's some type of love in the air. Right. Couples therapy. Crowdwork couple. Oh, everybody's going to celebrate the nuances of human relationship. Cupid. I'm with Cupid. T-shirt.

The future is now and it's hungy for your goo. That's the kind of stuff I'm saying up there. I would say my crass lines and I'd say, small room. Small room for a reason, folks. I'm over here for a because people were like, why are you in the little room? And it's like, they said I could split it. And I would much rather be over here working than not over here. Hope for another weekend. Yeah, they said I could come in December or come now. And I was like, shit, I'll come now.

Yeah. Do you think I want to do Valentine's Day night? Valentine's Day night is not a fun night to do stand-up. It's up there with St. Patrick's Day. It's up there with New Year's Eve, Arbor Day, you know, 420, legalize it. 7-10, God forbid. I saw that a year ago, Valentine's Day, was Zanis Rosemont, where I felt disconnected. Yeah.

And it turned into check this out and me floating over the room for my clothes. You separated from the mortal coil. That was a year ago. Yeah. Your id drifted off. Yeah, you were lost. And that was a fun. I didn't remember that being horrific at all.

That was a fine Valentine's Day. Yeah, back of the day doing Valentine's Day, those were tough. They were roses and champagne. pain. They were a little weird. Were they? I remember, yes.

That's why you flipped out. No. Because you're like, what is love? It's not here tonight. Where is it? Early show, Rosemont was,

yeah, a bunch of couples. Just want something fun to do. And let's go see that guy near the mall. The weirdest. Yeah, we're very weird. Just watch a clip, stupid. How hard is it to know

if your night's going to be ruined? I don't know. Watch one of the awful clips they used to advertise my shows where I'm bumping my stump till I grump or whatever. They pick the worst. It's like, use the opening of Toad's Morale.

That thing out the gate, if you like that, you'll love the show that I do. Yeah. You know, all that stuff about Bud Light. Put that out there. Or do the thing that Laughston did coming up in March. Those are going fast. We're trying to add a show. Get the fucking tickets.

Yeah, Laughston? That's going to be, I need to rip heads off there. Those guys do not believe in me. I'm like, well, Chubb Army, show up rock hard. I'll smoke a little extra weed before you come in. Smoke? Smoke a little crystal Come in teed out

All right You get that Tina Steal a light bulb Reak Denny's Smoke little PCP Whatever Just be there

Laft Boston March The year of the Butfucker Wait You're the motherfucker Yeah Don't change it to butt fucker

You know I got to rebrand It's almost Halfway through February That was the year The butt fucker That was in the Epstein files Oh no

Hey Sorry it's all I've been thinking about Sorry I was right. Sorry I was vindicated. Sorry, so many of us out there crawling around all over, eating mud, digging, digging up, the truth. And now here we are. And they're eating people too. You're not going to find Sam T in those fucking files. All right? Sam T's a man like you, human being, someone's son, all right? That's my promise. I'm never banging any kids or eating them. All right? I'll be brave enough. You're not going to hear everyone say that on the pod.

Well, I think we can all commit. Let me finish. That's what you're going to say. To that Hunanese child. Before you make jerky. Look, I don't want to talk about it either. Anyway. People want to get away from that stuff.

Valentine's Day, obviously, a historic night. It reminds me, though, of that time where we did stand up on the 7-10 cup. Do you remember that? When you said 7-10, I thought of the 7-10 cup. that shit show. I don't remember specifics, right? I don't remember specifics, though, other than everybody was doing dabs.

Where was it? If anyone knows Denver, Colorado, all right? If you understand where the ice cream, all the ice cream trucks come out of Commerce City, up there on Colorado, like past the interstate on Colorado heading north, that's where it was. There's an industrial zone up there

where it's all school buses and John Deere Shet. It was outside in a cage, in the middle of the day, on black top with, of course, like, a couple of, like, tarps thrown over the people's head. I know exactly where you're talking about. Otherwise, blistering sunlight on a bunch of people trying to do dabs before there was any science

behind it? Yep. That was what? What year would that have been? 2012? 2012 or 13. Yeah. Maybe 14, but probably not.

Oh, my God. We show up. It was me, you, Sharpie. I think Bobby? Was it a fine gents joint? Yeah. Yeah, so they're like, let's get the coolest heshers in town. Brent and Byron?

Roger Norquist Aaron Euris probably Yeah, I don't know how many The car reeked no matter what It smelled so bad Everyone's smoking cigarettes Yeah and we pull up And they're like yeah the green room's back there

It was just a different patch of concrete In the sun But there was like melted THC Horsattas You remember those dude? God, yeah Oh my God they had TC Horchata That was hot

And we were drinking them It was like also early We had to get there like 11 because our show was one and we promised we were gonna be able to take dabs and we took dabs and we were like fucked up because they were trying to get us

way too high. Yeah, Becker style. Becker style like you did to our small friend. I did not do that on purpose but I did used to enjoy getting people too high. Were you behind the Lucas Brothers or Pete Holmes? No, Pete Holmes was Josh Blue.

Okay. I was there for Pete Holmes and I was there for the, the Lucas brothers. The Lucas brothers were responsible for the Lucas brothers because they smoke. Get high like I do. There was a show at the Oriental Theater.

I didn't name it. In Denver for 420. I'm there lurking because there's going to be free weed. Lucas Brothers are headlining. Yes. They took like half of an edible or something? They took half of an edible and literally smoked a joint between the two of them. Then one of them asked me if he could do a dab and he's so proficient at dabbing that he

just like grabbed the shit and did it. Which back then was like, not that's a wrong funch maneuver everyone else was like I'd like to try one of those can you please do it for put it in my mouth yeah so I didn't think anything of it was like he's fine and then both of them were like we're gonna go grab food really quick and disappeared they got lost at like fat marios or whatever right but then ended up like getting naked and walking down the street and ask strangers where to get cheeseburgers no they got naked they got naked and we're walking down Broadway because they went back to their hotel.

I had to go pick up their luggage the next day and talk to the hotel security that had to go wrangle them naked back into the hotel. Well, lucky they had a couple of ringers sitting in the bullpen. I mean Billy Wayne Davis were ready to go. Yeah, dude. We got up there.

And Billy Wayne had also done his first dabs that night and smoked like a gram because he thought he had to go up in two 15, 20 minutes. We thought we were doing tens. So yeah. We were back there. Billy Wayne, that I can hold his shit. Dude.

You know, the pride of Crossville. I love you, Billy Wayne. I hope you don't dislike me. Billy Wayne's the man. They were rumors. So, yeah,

I love him. And we were just back there getting high. David Bory was there. Popped up there. Billy told him he listens to the pod. I love Billy Wayne. Yeah. Heard rumors.

Well, you listen. You know, comedy's so small. You hear everything. People are eager to tell you everything. There's all these rats out there trying to get a piece of my cheese. And they know how they can get it with gossip and slander. The worst one was Reggie Watts.

What happened? He got so fucking high that he went on stage and literally did like five minutes of his, I love his weird music stuff, but he did like five minutes of that. And he was so stoned he thought he did his time. Oh, whoa. It probably wasn't just weed. No, it was for sure just weed. We'd been around him for a long time.

I'm just saying, Reggie. likes to get heady. Yeah. Well, this was the he's an edgy, he's an egp bro.

It was the first high planes. Yeah. And he was headlining. Yeah. There was a party at Jim Hickoxes that night

and he was the Reggie Watts was there and we were all like oh my God that's Reggie Watts. Yeah. And then Jim had like a what's that hole

that's by the window well? You know, and there's like that like hole that comes out by the basement window. Yeah. You know where it was? Yeah.

I stepped in that thing. Oh, I like fell in there. Yeah. Hurt my leg really bad. Bad night? Yeah. I was wasted.

I was like talking to Reggie Watts. I was like, oh, nice to meet you, man, big fan. And he was like, hey. You know, he barely talked. I was like, yeah. I was like, oh, wow. He's like a mystic. And then I was like, all right.

And I'd turn. And I was like, oh, I fell in really bad. Like all the way down. Like, ah. People had to come help me get out, dude. Oh, before there was the, before they, was any deck? I don't know.

There was just a hole in the ground by I don't think there was a deck yet. There was a little deck that I stepped on and broke during a different party. And I've told that on an old episode of the pod. Yeah, everybody was out back.

I stepped on, and they were on it and stuff. And then I stepped on it and I was the straw that broke the decks back. And so it broke, like fell. And everybody was like, ha ha. And I look up and Baumauer is looking at me.

You dick level. Your eye to eye. It was perfect. Of course, he's the one that sees that I was this. That I tip the scales of justice. He didn't write any joke about it. Yeah. May I got that backyard?

I saw some shit. I broke some shit in my day. I mean, beyond chairs. Couch. Poor William Sol was over. He smashed her couch. definitely. I mean, I had all those bits about wicker because, like,

it was real. My aunt would have a wicker chair every summer. And then by the end of, a new one every summer. Every year, there's a new wicker chair that they got from, like, Amish, because they were from Ohio, so they'd get these chairs shipped out. And yeah, I'd fucking snap one.

I remember being maybe 11, and my aunt went to sit down. I went to sit down at Thanksgiving one night. And my aunt said, oh, Sam. No, no, sit over here. And it was like an oaken, like, throwing. chair because I'd smash so many of her chairs as a fat boy and she was like no sammy sit down here and i was like all right the iron throne it still sags it buckles she's like that's a million

swords redwood it's like a million swords man you weren't that big were you weren't that big were you For sure. I bet I was 200 pounds at 12 years old. It was huge. I was six foot tall. Okay. I guess I haven't seen a lot of pictures of you from... It's all high school.

It's a little kid. Cowboy had on the big wheel and like funny, big. Right. Cute. Makes sense. Cute. And then high school. But I thought, I thought I guess in between that you weren't real big.

I mean, have you seen the pictures of me playing? football in third grade. I guess not. I think I posted him. I'm as tall as my dad. Like, you can't tell. If I didn't have an outfit on a uniform, I would just look like, you know, the youngest coach.

Yeah. It's ridiculous. Yeah. They had to make a rule in third grade that no one was allowed to line up within a yard of the center. You had to back off the center of a yard because all of third grade, all I did was just push him into the other, the child quarterback. I had like a million sacks.

my dad was my coach he was like you're sam you're on the center everyone else you know pick daisies kick rocks it's like you had one boy taking out three boys yeah yeah yeah so it's my boy will be out there so they made the Sammy rule

which was no lining up on the center because I crushed the game making the other team cry yes like the Optimus Club football league was like we need to have an injunction against this Titan this boy is out there making our children look smaller Because I would just be like,

Was there Game-changing maneuver. Like literally, no position or just... Was there anyone near as big as you or no? Andy Quinn. Andy Quinn was tall, but he wasn't as heavy as me.

Right. So everybody was just shaking. Yeah. other offensive lineman, I mean, I was the biggest kid. So, you know, it's like a guy like Jordan Barry or fucking Bonzo. Bonzo's first time ever doing anything athletic. And he's snapping the ball looking like a turtle boy. And then you have, you know, Axel Jim Duggan.

Doing his super move. It's a finisher. Whistle blows. There's a lot of, like, a lot of footage of just like, me stand, literally just. just bonking their heads together pounding their water and slow marching pounding them into the ground Deacon Jones head slapping kids

man Chris White had a head slap did you met Chris White Comedy Works Wasted first kid with pubs So drunk Yeah for sure or just Chris White I don't know But yeah he would Oh no you said he's I thought he was fucked up But you said he's very chill

Southern affect He's like chill yeah He's really centered Right but yeah I thought he was wasted you were like no no no

he's just not like all hyped up like us or whatever like trying to get in there and be funny yeah he knows who he is talk too much in seventh grade football Chris White broke his arm

BMXing or something so he had a cast on for seventh grade football and that thing was just a flail bro he was shalal alien people left and right pubs pubed up

smashing people with his mega man confidence of a thousand man. Like, oh, man. I remember I got hit upside the head with that cast. And I was like, oh, crying. The equalizer.

All of a sudden, every game, you have to go up against three kids with casts. And they're all just trying to smack people. And meanwhile, the whole game is just cast boys. A little cat is just. Swing it away. Trying to poke you. Pool noodles. Wacking me.

The coach has cast on his arm. Try to get you if you get too close to the sideline. On punt return. Look, you didn't want to have the Sammy rule, so he gave everyone casts. What do you want us to do? Yeah, man, that cast was tough stuff.

Like, shit. That's, that's good. That's good, squishy. That's what, that's what you do when you're, when you're sick of looking at the internet. You're sick of hearing about the other stuff going on. Yeah, I saw something cool. I was at the airport, of course. It was in the bathroom.

Went up to wash my hands, DTW for all the heads. Big line of mirrors, you know. in the sinks, washing my hands. I look down in the mirror and there's a guy washing his hands and his penis is out. His penis is out of his pants. It's dangling, through the fly.

Right there, penis in the mirror. And I'm like, you know, I'm not going to tell him your dick's out, bro. Indian fella. You know? And then... A lot of bush or to... I just penis, man.

Yeah. There's a cock in the wild. That's all I can tell you. against the white of the sea. Dude, deep red cock. Boom. That is a man's penis. Against the khaki and blue shirt.

Yeah. And then I hear him go, and he tucks himself back in. Like it's happened before. Tuts, tis, sisk, sisk. In the mirror

and tucks his penis in. Becker was reminded. of a little adventure he had. Yeah, I think I might have told it on an early one too, but I don't remember. You didn't say a lot of the cool shit that you think you had told. I think I told this one in the basement because people have asked me about it. That was the first like 15 episodes.

Yeah, that's what I mean. It was really early. But one time... You've been coasting ever since. I was all stoned. I was all stoned in when I lived like a couple of blocks off of Broadway on third and went to go get Reese's fast break when they were like pretty new because I was addicted and took a piss and was like ooh I'm gonna go get me one of those Reese's fast breaks I got a couple bucks from tips cash tonight

I can afford a candy bar walked over there definitely had my dick out the whole time oh yeah bought the Reese's was up to the can nobody said it nighttime nighttime it was probably like 10 30 at night because we closed around seven and I went home and got fucking roasted and then was a cat was a cat Capitol Hill Market? No, is that 7-Eleven that's like on... Ogden? Yeah, Ogden, yeah. And then I walked like almost all the way home and got like cold.

Like I felt a breeze and was like, God damn. I looked down and it was like so shocked and embarrassed that I'd had my dick out walking around on some of the two busy streets. 1030, though. You're probably not the only one with their cock out on Colfax in Ogden, 10.30. But I definitely flashed hog at a bunch of people on Lincoln and Broadway as I stood on the corner waiting to cross. Yeah. You didn't go up to Colfax. You said you lived on third?

Yeah. Worked? No, no, yeah, not Ogden. On Broadway? Yeah, yeah. Like third or whatever? By 404. It is third, yeah.

Across from the Duncan. Yeah, so I'd walk straight there. So it was only like three and a half blocks each way. But yeah, you probably pass. And then walk. That is a busy place to have your cock out. Yeah, walk that's not a friendly confines for this day. It was an insane move.

I could have easily had to have, like, told neighbors I was on a fucking registry for the rest of forever for walking around Broadway with my day. Unless you're like, look, blood tests me. See how high I am. I'm legally dead. Can you arrest a dead man? Can a zombie be a sex criminal? My penis can't work. So it's kind of like having a gun with no bullets, right?

Yeah, well, I can't put it in my mouth. Like I hit you with it, but it wouldn't do as much damage. Let me pistol whip you. You're not going to have a bruise officer. I mean, excuse me, this Reese isn't going to melt itself in my mouth and be washed down with soy milk. Dear listener, please come see me to stand up in Albuquerque, New Mexico. That's my ancestral stomping grounds. Come on down.

I'll be at hyenas, the 28th and 21st. Springfield, Missouri, the 27th and 28th. Minneapolis, Cicifist, those are going to sell out. They might be sold out already. I don't know. Get your tickets. ASAP if you want to see me at Cicepist. Boston, laugh Boston.

Get in there. Go nuts. taking Lund back to Reno. We're doing San Francisco. Punch up live. We're doing Crystal Bay in Nevada. Cool. Yeah.

You told me. I forgot. Yeah. So Punch Up Live is where you get my dates now. Get on there. Get the mailing list. Also, pre-order brute. Comes out September 22nd.

I need to get 10,000 pre-sales going into that to make the bestseller list. I'll be just transparent with you. I'd like to get to 10,000. I think that's an easy goal. If all of you, fair listeners, were to pre-order brute right now, I wouldn't have to worry until the end of September. So if you just want to fucking check the box, do me a saw, you know, I'd really appreciate it. 22 bucks right now.

It's for a hardcover. It's pretty much a steal. You'll get it the day it comes out. Like they'll pre-ship it to you that day. Please, brute. It's on Amazon. Pre-order it. I'm going to be bothering you until it's done.

Oh, but the weed thing. We ate all the horchata. We're drinking horchata. Oh, and then we had coffee. 710 cup. Look at you. Well, look, man. That thing was.

weird because I remember it was like a nice payday for us. It was like 500 bucks for the four of us total. Right. And it was real close to when we did the oddball festival. Oh. So we were feeling ourselves. That was the Chappelle Fest that we got to do

with Brody Stevens' host. Yeah. And it was the four of us were the only Denver representatives. And Orvidal. Maybe Orvo. I don't know. Yeah, Orvo. Yeah.

I think that was it though. But that was like the coolest thing that anyone got to do in Denver ever. We got to do oddball. Kate and Holland wasn't on that. Ben Roy. It's like, all right, the young Turks are here. We were feeling ourselves, dude.

We went there and we're like, we just did the oddball festival. Like, everyone was going to lose their minds. No one gave a shit. And we were all fucked up on horchata weed and like some of the first weirdest dabs in the heat. And we all went out there and ate it. Yeah. Aided horrifically. Like Bobby almost quit.

I remember it being bad for sure. It was so bad. And when it got over, it was like 1.30. And we all had shows that night, but we had like a weird six hours to kill. In that six hours, we just kind of lurked around, like, being like really high and then like not being high and then trying to get higher. And it was this weird existential day of like, man, maybe we suck. Like, we did oddball. And now we went here and we bombed in front of a bunch of people we should crush in front of weed heads on or.

oil day. That was always the wrong thinking. And I always had that thinking heavier. Wheat shows are good. Oh, that. Yeah. Just that, oh, weed. Weed makes you giggly.

So people can smoke weed. It'll be great. And it's usually not. It doesn't work that way. Maybe if you were Lenny Bruce and people were smoking Panama Red. And there's a difference between like smoking is allowed and like smoking is encouraged. Well, everybody's the highest they've ever been. Yeah.

Yeah. Their mouthpiece is like a die-cast glass of their own cock. Yes. Yeah. Those kind of people. No. I remember hitting that one. I don't remember the, really, the details of it at all.

I remember there were a lot of people. It was hot because it was July 10th. It was bad. When somebody finally told me it was 7-10 because it's oil upside down or whatever, I was like jack off motion. That's insane. That was so stupid. Wow.

That made me mad as an addict. Oh, it's just bleached. It's just flipped. But it is weird Or no, upside up Flip it over, yeah. Oh, and backwards. Yeah, and it's go.

Flip it twice. It's just to have a fucking sale. It's Black Friday shit. It's corporatization. It sucks. I hate it. Yeah, I mean, it was fine. We got 500 bucks.

I was also right around. And I was always like really worried about bombing, of course. I was like, oh, fuck. You don't want to let Mommy down? Yeah, whatever it was. It was Mommy. It was Mommy. Mommy needs her clown.

If they're not laughing, they're sad. She always would hang the improv classes cost over your head. So every set. You're like, I got to get her that check back. You got to get her money. I got to buy her her house. But that was also around that Vine Street, Fourth of July party they used to have in Boulder. Oh.

So I was on like a sexual tear. Wait, Topnot? No, that was different. No, no, no. This was just the party they would have for all the Vine Street employees. Oh, we didn't do. No, stand-up. Stand-up.

And it was Kevin O'Brien every hour was cutting an inch off of my shorts. So by the end of the night, dude, I was like down to my skivies. And then there was a certain lady that I was viving with who was a miracle. I was the miracle on ice. She was the Russian team. And I was a plucky young upstart from Charlestown math. You were the quad god. Dude, I pulled it off.

Yeah, it was nuts. Yeah, so I was like really feeling myself in that period. That was a problem. Damn. And that would have been 2011? Because it was pre-M. 4M. Yeah.

So summer 2011 would have been oddball and that party. 7-10. Jesus Christ. So long ago. Yeah. We were about babies. Yeah. This year, I keep telling you, but I haven't told them that this year,

22 years in stand-up in July. I'll turn 44, so half my life, which is so weird. Talk to me when it's more than half your life. Shut up. Mine's better. Mine's better. You're younger, so it wasn't as big of a deal. You had it when you were, it's like having a golden birthday when you're three.

It doesn't count. Mine was when I was 23, and guess what? I don't remember it because I had a lot of fun. Did you go hosed down? I have no idea. I don't remember. No, that wasn't my birthday. You don't have a lot of memories, it turns out.

You don't remember 7-10. I remember the horchata. Yeah, no. I don't. I just remember that we walked around. I don't remember particularly eating it, but I know it was rough, yeah. Was that the one where Burner was throwing hash into the crowd right before you guys had to go on? I have no idea.

I remember being, because I mean, if something happened before I went on stage, I didn't see it because I was at that point. pacing around like a bull in the pen waiting to go up and show him who the man was. I think me and the Denver Relief guys were there. I don't know. And I think Burner... I don't think I had a friend in the room. Ill-advised was throwing hash into the audience right before you guys had to go on. So on top of it being like cooking outside, there was a crazy frenzy for like eight, nine minutes.

Oh, dude. I don't remember that, but I remember we got cakes of hash in parchment paper. paper. Yeah. And I was like, awesome. And I put it in my pocket and it was super hot. By the time I left, it melted and ruined my fucking pants. Oil stained your pants.

Ruin my, like, only pair of pants I had. They were mine. They were yours. You didn't know. I cut out the tag your mom put in there and put my own in. It was bad, dude. You changed it. God.

And I remember trying to, I put them in the freezer and tried to scrape my pockets out. Yeah, it couldn't get the oil out. And me and little James, uh, me and little James, uh, me and little James, What's his name? Little drinks chocolate. We're standing there smoking lint hash. You're doing hot knives of lint hash. Oh, no.

Yeah, dude. It's always funny when you think of just the other, like there's the, there's the, there's the close, close, the best friends gang. And then Brandon Dornow was there too. But then we had so many other friends that were crazy, like so many weird characters. And if they just, if they didn't talk a lot, then they really got dominated. It didn't mean they weren't weird. He and Lil James.

It didn't mean they weren't weird. It didn't mean they didn't count. They just couldn't get their shit in. Yeah. They were just getting out weirded at the weird on it. Well, and also like, it wasn't just us talking. Pat Sutton's there. Yeah.

You know, he's not blinking. He's having a good time. You know? He's running on spider webs. Richard Ingersoll's being like, oh. Painting. Painting everyone. Painting the scene.

Yeah. The whole, I mean, dude, it was happening. Yeah, no, it was awesome. It was awesome. It was badass. I mean, you would go upstairs. People were fucking recording bands. You know, the weirdest guy in Mouthouse was the dude who moved in Matt at the very

beginning of Mouthouse? He was there for the first six months because we needed one more person. You needed 19? I don't know why. I don't know why. There wasn't a bedroom for the guy. Oh, God. So he's like, I want to stay here.

He was going. He was doing six months working for the EPA in Boulder. And he's like, dude, I'd love to be. I'll put up a tent in the backyard for 200 bucks a month. And we were like, 200. You could have done it for 80. Or, you know, free love or whatever. So yeah, this guy, Matt, just, like, lived there and didn't know any of us and had a blast.

And that was the right at the beginning of Mouthouse when we were like, we're going to push this thing as far as we possibly can so we can learn the limits. And he would just be in there like, this is heavy rock. Yeah. I like rock and roll. We had a rollerblade party and he rollerbladed? We threw the after-party for like the nationals of rollerblading were in Denver. And we threw the after party. And they all smoked crystal meth.

But I remember that Matt kid, dude, every light bulb in the house was gone by the end of the night. Every fucking light bulb. Whoa. Yeah. Just meth. Just clouds of meth throughout the night. They're blasting meth. They had a rail in the house set up. And everyone's doing rail.

And Matt came down the stairs in his rollerblades. And it was like, hey, guys, mind if I do a line? And everyone was like. And then he did it. And he fucking grinded the whole rail and, like, jumped out and then rode out the back, dude. Whoa. Yeah. And everyone was like, that's our guy.

You fucking tweakers? That's one of ours. That's when we were like, this guy rules. We like, forgot he lived there. Because he'd be in Boulder, like, working on the Boulder River for weeks. Then he'd come back and take a shower. He'd be like, hey, you're that guy from Michigan, right? That was crazy.

Damn. Yeah. What were you trying to say? Of course he knows how to roller blake. works for the EPA. Like weirdo nerd that like would be in the like, this is heavy rock and roll. He was like a nerd scientist that stumbled into living in like an art house.

Yeah, yeah. He got some job working for the EPA. This guy, he probably tells stories about living with you guys to every good friend he's ever had. Just constantly. I mean, there was some cool people in there that he was living with. I mean, Bree was like 17 when she lived there. He graduated high school. Just kidding.

fuck what is this is what it's a Patreon no Joe was 18 there was nothing no I said nice and it's just on top of the other stuff that has been said already it's like god damn it

no no happy Valentine's Day did Joe live there too yeah Joe was there yeah then right away Joe moved in right away who else was one of the initial oh gee me Marilyn Clay Bill Claydo yeah

Bill from Pat Sutton, Richard Ingersoll, Nate Balding, Roger Norquist. I said Pat Sutton. Yep. Yeah, and James Pat, Little James Chocolate. I want to say James Patterson. And I think Brandon Darnell. Oh, and Sam Gamge.

There was like 15 of us initially. Yeah, and then that Matt kid. We need one more, bro. We have one shower. Was he leaving the tent? Oh, Sophie. Sophie and Chango. Yeah. Well, no.

There's a new chongo in town. Yeah. That was a wild scene, man. One shower. Hey, Lunt. What? Hey, Becker. Hey.

Do you want to eat better? Yeah. You don't have the time? I have no time at all to eat better. You have zero time. You guys are so busy. Yeah. When I think of busy men, we work hard and we hardly work.

You're captains of industry. We do both. That's how much we work. People are like, he doesn't do shit. And it looks like it. Yeah. And a hummingbird isn't flapping its wings that much. Well, for busy tycoons like you, men on the go, men of action, check out Factor.

That's right. I need to quit drinking hummingbird feeders because that red stains your shirts. You thought hash was bad for your pocket. It gets all over me. And guess who knows I drank nectar right away? My wife. You have to lie and say, no, I was down it. These are scalloped potatoes.

Dr. Pepper syrup. I had a normal meal for sure. For sure. I had a normal meal. I had a couple potato skins. I had a glass of milk. Get off my ass. Yeah, it's sticky.

A lot of stuff is sticky. Not just hummingbird food. I eat normal food for sure. It's a normal meal. The normal meals you get from Factor, man. It's real food in two minutes. They're abnormal because they're so good. They're so good.

They're designed my diet. unlike us and prepared by real chefs yeah you know taste dorks you might have heard of them like from the bear right yes that's right jeremy renner whatever's in there jeremy everyone wants to get wet for me that guys that guys a stud he has a wide variety of weekly options just like fact or you'll never get bored trying to keep a specific diet hmm try it more blobs for you are you trying to have more slime in your diet more slime i kept calling the fried cauliflower blobs like guys eating the blobs

grabbing them out of that old lady that old hippie ladies yeah yeah trying to eat them I ate a cigarette tonight by the way oh yeah god damn it yeah at the end of the show in Raleigh there was a guy who had a pack of American spirit purples on the table and I already took a fry from him earlier

so I was like what are you going to do with those like I'm going to have one he opened him and I was like me too grabbed it out everyone's like no and I ate it did not get the worthy pop it would definitely freaks some people out. Yeah. It's definitely a weird move to end the set

after having a great night, you know, doing the job well. And then I eat a cigarette and I couldn't talk. And I'm like, fuck, how do I close now? Because I'm trying not to throw up. I'm spitting in a glass. Yeah. People are grossed out.

I didn't know you're spitting in a glass. I mean, it was awful. And then a woman was like here and handed me a napkin. I was like, thank you. And then I ate the napkin. Like, good night. Everyone loved it. Good night.

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Oh. Sinus hurts. But luckily, all my tapeworms are dead. I felt like I was in the Viet Cong. You know, that sounds pretty stressful. Life is stressful for everyone right now. We need to take a quick break

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God, Jessica Reagan came over dressed like a nun for the Halloween party, and she had a baby crocodile. I remember thinking, like, this is everything. We did it. The hottest girl from Elizabeth is here, pantyless, wearing a fucking nun costume holding a baby crocodile or gator. Remember the gator. We had those gator kids from Alamosa. There was that art collective in Alamosa, and they were down there near that reptile place. Oh, yeah.

And they all worked there for free rent. They could park their IVs on the reptile land. But they came up. And when they came up, they brought the guy who owned the reptile place. And he brought his like eight-year-old daughter. And she brought her favorite crocodile that was like nursing or something. There was a little girl at our party.

And they were charging 20 bucks to take a picture with this alligator in the bathroom upstairs. Yeah, but there was only one bathroom. So everyone was like, you got to get the fucking gator out of there. And they're like, we don't take it outside. It gets snappy outside at night. and we're like, well, I don't care about your weird, carnie side hustle, I got a guy.

I got to take a shit in my house. Yeah. But then Jess Reagan, the queen of everyone's dream, just holding that gator. I remember Richard and Pat came up, and I put my arms around him, and I said,

boys, it was all worth it. Whoa. Yeah. I mean, there was various moments in there. I remember T. TJ Miller walked up to me once in the hallway

during funstable and was like, hey, we were going to go to the afters. And I was sitting there with a girl. And I was like, I think I'm going to stay here and winked out. and I turned down the guy from Yogi Bear the movie in front of a girl.

I was like Don Rickles. He was Frank Sinatra. It's crazy. I mean, you guys think I'm a monster now. God. You should have seen me when I was 24, bro. Goosh. Hey, guish.

23-year-old Sam? Feeling it. Ooh. Yeah. I don't miss it. I don't miss being. It was a lot. It was a lot.

Yeah, it was a lot. It's good to have it, but it's. You got to grow up. We've talked about how crazy it is to, that was a very early one. Talking about dudes who like are, it is like sex and like, Tommy Lee. Partying. It's like, yeah, it's, it's fun, but you, you just kept doing it forever?

That's crazy. Right. You got a fucking bandana. That's nuts. You just keep slaying. Jack off motion. Go home. Go home to your kids.

Get out of here. Please fuck off. Yeah. Like, I don't, I don't get it. Please fuck off. I got you got something no I got something let's talk about your feelings about Valentine's Day and how sacred it is what at the far restaurant earlier remember yeah but we're eating fah and bonzo says yeah I can't you were eating fun I was eating we were eating bon me's we we had bon we's we because it was

plural on we because I wanted to but should have gotten too you were like bonzo's like I can't hang out tonight because my buddy Bruno's birthday. Oh yeah, I think it's dumb for an adult man. You went nuts. Yeah. You had a moment. What was it? His friend as an adult man is celebrating his birthday on Valentine's Day when it's not his fucking birthday and asking

your friends to come out to dinner with you on Valentine's Day when it's not even your birthday is an assinine for a grown man. But your angle was, I wanted to make sure some foreigner wasn't fucking it up is what you said. Yeah, because it's Bruno. Because he's from Argentina. Yeah, and he might

not know that it's like a thing. Yeah, just how just how important Valentine's Day is to adults. Well, is Hallmark selling Valentine's Day in Argentina. I think a lot of adults including me and my wife. Yeah. Or Lund and his wife don't fall into the trappings of Valentine's Day. And if your buddy was saying, hey man, I'm grilling some

steaks, come over, we're having some beers. I would be relieved to not have to do some big event for Valentine's Day. I guess. It just still seems stupid as hell to me to be like, hey, my birthday is on July 2nd. So I'm having a dinner with everybody over on July 4th or I'm going to have a thing on. You're encased in this

THC Amber at most times where you're giggly, wiggly, happy go lucky, looking for a treat. So when you have moments of this inner anger that you carry flash through. Yeah. Larry David Sack. Yes. It's truly strange. That's your thing. That was a thing for you. Oh yeah, but I'm that mad about a lot of shit all the time. I just take another hit. Right. I understand. I think we all suppress the thing so we can hang out and be good citizens. but when you do allow the mask to come back and you're like, I don't want some fucking foreigner.

Some goddamn boater coming in here and telling me when to celebrate with my sweetheart. With his dick out at the bathroom sing. It's also insane to me for like, I guess. Adult men having a party with a bunch of people to go out to dinner for their birthday. I would say that an immigrant throwing his birthday on Valentine's. I didn't know he was cooking everybody dinner either. more important to the immigrant

because he might not have the family around him that was so important to him and now he's trying to recreate that familial situation in his new hometown of course he's going to want his friends around him on his birthday if he's single then he should be sad at home and feel like a real American he's not single yeah I also

didn't know he was cooking I thought they were going out to dinner I understand that that would have been weird yeah that would be weird if you're like this is my birthday everyone has to go to this restaurant on my birthday on Valentine's Day it's going to be a hassle because everyone wants to go to this restaurant yeah You're having some stakes, you know, come on over. Yeah, that's fun.

You know, it's a Las Jelas. You still fucking, I don't know. Grown man being like Saturday works better to celebrate my birthday. Yeah. Nope, you missed it this year. Hopefully it'll be on a Saturday next year. I blew it last night with her friend. Oh, he's a birthday purist.

It's a birthday purist. Not, he loves his birthday. It's not even a purest. It's just like how important is a birthday. When is your birthday January? Exactly. November 8th. November.

Yeah. One time, Super Tuesday. One time my birthday was really bad. Why? Because Trump won and then you left upset. It was a bad night of Torito. Trito was just full of bad news on my birthday party.

Was it 2016? Yeah, when Trump won. I was born on election day. I was in Vegas. And it repeats. Oh, no, then we got word about it there. It was. No, no, I was in Vegas when Trump won.

I left. Because my mom had the stroke that night. Yeah. I left. I left. In Las Vegas. and I was coming home the next day, the day after the election, to do roast battle. Somebody.

So I probably went to El Chorito after roast battle or something. No, I went to the hospital. No, then somebody must have said something because it was like that was the final straw where I was like, no, I'm sober at the bar trying to have a fun night. Now people are crying about Hillary and, oh, a friend's life's ruined. I'm going the fuck home. Whose life was ruined? I didn't know how close you were to your mom and that was just like the last thing.

I didn't tell anyone about my mom. Baker or somebody ran off. the fucking mouth fucking baker wait but when would she have had the stroke i thought it was that night at when sleep in her sleep yeah she was watching it covered when they said it look it's going to trump or whatever my dad wasn't

there so we don't know when she had the stroke but it was on election night watching the coverage that that CNN was on or whatever yeah make fun of my mom for watching CNN when she had her stroke jaggoss fuckers Jesus Christ yeah that sucked I was born on election day it's not red versus blue it's good versus evil

end the partisanship come together. It's not a damn Republican thing. It's light versus dark. What do you want to be a flashlight or avoid? I'm a flashlight, motherfucker. I'm a burning fire. I'm a pyre.

Throw the guilty on me. Let me burn them. I'm going to dream of the sword. That's flashlight, right? I want to dream of it. I conjure the sword tonight. The sword will get us out of this. The sword will help, man.

God. There's another thread, Reddit thread of best episodes. Oh, okay. It was fun to go in there. I saw the sword, obviously. And yeah, so hopefully people keep adding to that

because there are a lot of them now. And it is funny. Some people have heard everyone twice over. I think it's the only good podcast. I think this is the only good one. You got Tuesdays with stories. If you want to hear more airplane stuff. If you want to hear about private flight,

Matt and Shane's is good for that. If you want to hear about being on Epstein's flights, you know, there's a lot of podcasts. Brian Callan, most notably, allegedly. What else? I think that was a fun moment, seeing Shab be like, what are we talking about? That was truly maybe it's early in 2026. That might be the wildest moment in podcasting all year. I mean, I'm like, I'm a Shob guy, dude.

If Shob's going to ride on the right side, he was befuddled. Bro, I was on YouTube today thinking like, wow, look how quickly he. he turned around his support. Hey, man, fuck. It's pretty easy. Yeah. Just being a good dude. You're not defending child rapists.

It's pretty fucking easy. That's all I asked for. Out of my media stars. Oh, fuck. That's crazy. Yeah. Even tonight I do the joke about Charlie Kirk and people in North Carolina, of course, are kind of like, oh.

Yeah. It's like, come on, man. His wife was an op. We're fucking buying into this whole thing. A man shouldn't die, but his wife shouldn't profit. Come on. Saddle me up. I'll be the fucking warsteed, man.

I'll be the ox that pulls the card of truth. I don't want any of that. Come on, man. I want to talk about Professor X making you suck your dick. Well, me too. Me too. You're right. You're right.

We got to tone it down. I don't want the sword. Or how shake shack. You sound like Kurt Mexker. We've named so many comics and podcasts in this episode. It's funny. Usually we're our own little corner. Well, it's like we get it.

We are our own corner. That's what's cool. We've listed a lot of different names. It's funny. Well, also, those are my friends, you know, and they're doing much better than us, so I don't feel bad about making. Oh, no, I don't even mean, it's just funny, the amount of names, comics that we've mentioned in this one episode. I like Metzger, too. It's talking to him in the green room for the first hour.

That can be a task. It's great. Once you figure out how to talk to him, which is just he's talking, and you sit there and you're like, oh, yeah, man, reptilians? Interesting. But they invented flight. All right. Then he's going to walk away. That's a bird, brother.

He's like, well, here's another thing about Adrenachrome. You know? Yeah. All right. He's just doing his thing and you get in his orbit and you let him spew and then you walk away. Then you wash your hands. Yeah, it was funny to think about Valentine's couples last year, this year. And just because we're getting used to the opposite.

I always have said it was weird when all of a sudden. we knew people knew who we were before the show but now we've been used to that so valentines is like the one time where all of a sudden we're back to where like a bunch of people don't know us and just the early show last year and this year because the late show the sound guy was right on because he was like I said something like oh how's this crowd they look better or they sounded better during k right away and so I was like oh they're better that's good not as many couples it looks like and he goes no no there were couples at the early show he's like a robot there are couples at the early show but now it's a lot of beards and like kill Tony people and they love podcasts and I was like well yeah a comedy

podcast yeah he was like yeah yeah can clock them right away they have a stink on them oh he said they're like the dead kill Tony fans or like Austin comedy mothership fans they like they're like the dead yeah they wear the all the guys wear the shirt to the show

we're not selling any shirts this weekend Fuck, man. God. The hell. Tonight especially. Last night was okay. I saw the receipts. Today was bad.

Oh, my God. Yeah. I ordered more shirts last night from Blank Style. Yeah. And we sell three more next, you know, tomorrow. I'll pay off the order for Blank Style. God, damn it. You'd think they'd appreciate handcraft and full card here.

Dude, tonight especially, it was definitely people were trying to leave and continue the date. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. For sure. It's not an optimal setup. 69 in the car. Yeah.

84 on the drive home. The wife drives home. The wife drives home because the husband's wasted. He tries to go down on her. Then he's like, why don't you return the favor? Tries to make her suck his dick while she's driving. He's like, you motherfucker. She crashes.

Can't believe. Can't believe if I married your dumb ass. He's like, come on. Jerry. He's like, oh yeah, he doesn't try to force her, but he's just being a bitch about it. Come on. Come on. You came.

I go down on you all the time. She's like, I don't want you to. I hate it. It's because you can't get hard. You're bad. I'd prefer if you didn't. You don't know what you're doing down there. Yeah, it's because you came.

Then you're like, let me eat it. It's not for me, Jerry. Quit grabbing my ponytail. Quit saying nub for nub. Is that it? Oh, no. Hub hub. We got at least like seven minutes.

We have to do the ad reads. I know, but I mean before the ad reads, we're at 51. Okay. Well, you guys like me listing off my favorite colors. Here's a little tip I want to give to the young people listening. Now, for so long, soap has been homogenized for the male body, for the masculine body. you have Old Spice. Irish Spring.

Irish Spring. Dove, if you don't want a flavorless experience, you know. That's about it. I mean, Axe, your derivatives, your grandpa smells. Perth plus. Rubbed on your body. Shampoo all over, conditioner. Prell.

I for sure. Prell is one, right? Yeah. How about lava? I did shampoo last night yesterday here. Yeah, they do. Because, yeah, because in this Airbnb, they had shampoo, conditioner, no, so. Hands, a thing I like hand soap.

But yeah, I just said shampoo yesterday. Amen. Who cares? Who cares? It'll be fine. Soap is soap. I want to encourage you all. Today, right here in Raleigh, we went to the farmer's market.

It was great. A lot of great people had a lot of great conversations about crafts, about West African cuisine, about Epstein's lists with a woman who was selling handmade baskets of wicker. That you said were trash. You know, not for me. Trash, you said. What does that mean? It wasn't like woven tightly.

It looked like shit. You buy it like cost plus world market for a dollar. Yeah. And meanwhile, it's 30 bucks in there. It's still crap that's going to give you a splinter when you put your keys in it once. You know, it's like, lady. Sharp. You picked the wrong pony.

You're a seven-year-old woman. You issued your wagon of this. Come on. Oh, but what about the, what was the, what was the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the People had the little boxes. Oh, boy. We forgot. So real quick, what I'm advocating for is go to the farmer's market with your baby, with your buddies, go to the soap stand.

You got all these handmade soaps there. Pick out the way you want to smell. You can be an apple orchard. You can be creme brule. You can be tobacco and wood smoke. You can be persimmon. They have all these flavors of soap. Lavender's my go-to.

I love that linole. Pick out the flavor. and have your own smell. It's a conversation starter. You got your brick. It's beautiful. It's a handmade object. It looks weird.

It's like a slab of tile. It's in there. A lady comes over. She's like, what's that soap? Did someone leave that here? She thinks you're cheating. No. She cuts your dick off.

Yeah. I love to smell of sassafras. I'm the apple butter guy. Whatever. I think it's a cool move, man. Everyone's smelling the same? What are we doing? You're killing your pheromonal nod.

Come on. Get back into it. That's true. But better highlight. Yeah, you don't put on a bunch of ax or cologne. Oh, man. That smells like chemicals once you're not like 19 and a half or whatever. Figure out your own smell as you get older, you know.

Let people identify when you walk into the room. Oh, my God. Blueberry Jack's here. That's that guy who made his wife suck his dick while she was driving. That's strawberry Jerry. She bit it off. I think she bit it off. Yeah, he's half a cocked.

He smells like strawberries. the time. He's got a little strawberry down there. A strawberry hog. Yeah, and when you're down there shopping, you might see any way for people to exist. Oh, so there was a couple. One guy,

one guy made all the jams and the pickles. His wife made all the sweet treats. And they happened to be sitting in their stand. Separate penalty box over here. Yeah, Plexie.

glass. And then a three sides. Three sides for the lady. She had three sides. She had like a phone booth situation. This guy was just sitting in two panels of wood without a cover. Uh-huh. So narrow.

Literally just between two giant pieces of wood smugged in there. Yep. Just sitting in his box. And I thought, well, maybe everyone at the farmer's market sits in a weird box. No. Everyone else was standing up. these two people were boxed

the first time we went by he was eating one of her treats I think yeah and so I just thought like huh whoever owns this booth

keeps their grandfather right here yeah yeah keep your eye on them cheaper than a nurse fuck these folks see he tells the same

three stories all day you know he quit touching the kids he's not eating lollipops loud by the way in Springfield that's all I said

said you keep that guy out of the fucking yeah yeah yeah wait it was different Oh, but same place. I told my agent, I was like, yeah, I'll go back, but you keep, yeah, no thanks. Keep fucking Grandpa Joe or whatever.

Yeah, father time. Yeah. Father, that's my time. I'm thinking about adding Bentonville. Yeah? Because flying to X and A is so much cheaper. Adding when? Bentonville on Thursday and then going down to Springfield.

Well. Huh. I don't know. Let me know because I have to change my ticket. Yeah. So yeah, that's the man in the box, very weird. The woman in the box, even stranger, big buffoon hair, crazy, caked face paint, looked nuts, looked feral, angry, like she'd been in a box.

Bonzo was obsessed with getting a picture of her. Failed. Didn't get a good one. Made us late for our engagements. No. Yes. I walked back and he said, where's Bonzo? I said, I don't know, dude.

I learned long ago. You don't play that game. Bonzo's going to Bonzo. Leave him be. Yeah. He'll catch up. He's not smoking weed for his job search. Yeah.

Over a month. Who's going to smoke the thinnest pinners? Who's going to light a matchstick and get high for two minutes? Hey, Bonzo, what are you smoking? All paper again? He was always rolling the tightest. Dude, Bonzo would get a bag of weed, you know, graduation in 2005. And then when we graduated from college in 2009,

You still had half that eighth left. That guy, you'd pat him down. You'd get him nude. Be like, where's the bag, Bonzo? He'd fucking search him. Yeah. And he'd be like, you know, later that night, he'd be like, do you want to smoke a bowl? Yeah, he's nuts, dude.

So, yeah, I just remember him always like, he'd be like, I'm going to roll a joint. I'd be like, sick. Let's roll a joint and go to the park. Can we get there? It's a blade of grass Yeah He'll hit it once Yeah

And it light it Half of it's on fire Right away And it's all paper And then he's like You don't know how to hit it That's my best impression Bonzo

Every time You're like hey Can I hit that? Oh it's gone He's like trying to do a nice thing too And you just mad at him The whole walk to the park and be like you got one of those weak-ass pinners bonzo

he thought he was hooking it up I figured he had a bunch of shame because he knew what he was doing no the first time when did he roll the first one for us what donzo was that he learned from donzo so he thought that was normal if you had two pennies to rub together

bonzo had one of them was it cute most what the fuck no it was when we were in the Colorado trip when he was rolling him up yeah I thought you guys were ragging on him and then with the way he took it when you were like oh nice pinner And I was like,

ugh. He was like, yeah, I'm pretty good at rolling penners. Yeah. Oh, he just thinks

it's like another word for joint. It's a, and a skill he has. Not a small one. No, he rolls the smallest joint. They'll get a bat high.

Yeah. If a ladybug wanted to catch a sweet buzz, one of these bonzo rockets would send her. But no, if four dudes are at the skate park and they're all 19.

But, I mean, you guys ragged on him for it. So why didn't he fucking... Dude, I got ragged on all the time. We didn't change. change. That's what you do.

You know, let your boys win. No way. You're helping. You cannot let the boys get you. The boys love you and they highlight your negative aspects. And then you lean into it. Yeah.

You're shoeless and you reek. Everyone loves you still. I mean, Bonzo's pinters were the least of our worries. Right. I mean, a lot of people were dropping dead. And the ones who weren't got into crack.

Right. People were smoking. Our friends were smoking crack all the time. Oh, dude, you'd be in a party And at like 1 a.m., people would go to the garage, and they'd come back, and be like, oh, fuck. We'd call them the werewolves.

The were back. The broods back. Whoa. Yeah, and me and Bonsa were trying to pee in the ice cube trays, you know? We're dead as the menacing. And meanwhile, you know, Sam Jambi hit a pregnant woman. We got to go. How are we going to get back to Denver from Lafayette?

It's 3 a.m. That was always the thing. It was always like, we're in Greeley. We have to go because someone lit a fire in the bathtub. Where are we going to stay? They lit the crocodile on fire. Dude, there were so many times where it's like, should we get a hotel? No one has a credit card.

Two of us have an ID. What do you mean are we going to get a hotel? Right. The four of us in Fort Collins? We're 19. We have to sneak into somebody's barn. Three 17. Literally, dude.

Like sleeping in bushes in Boulder. God, slept in so many bushes. Anyway. What a great pod. Patreon.com slash Chubby as a Hewman. The best pod there is, y'all. We love you. Get on the Patreon, please.

We're trying to achieve things, you know. Pod's growing. Ad sales are going up. Everything's golden. Just get on that Patreon, man. It's simple. Tell them more about the ad sales, Pam Bondi. The Dow, the Dow was over $50,000.

Dude, I think Bondi tonight listed a bunch of names. They posted the unredacted files. Great. Let's watch Jackass 2.5. Let's watch the end of 3.5. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye.