Chubby Behemoth - Little Precious

Episode Date: August 15, 2026

Pre-Order Sam's New Book - https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593978897/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3I4LOBQ02YIGW&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.k5eCApJdjwVfn7hSelWi5VdRMlVrzKa4zf68ficcjcg.tZZOiI0nB0n3kkWiGAbidMQy5yUS_MkvmEIaXp-LXjo&dib_tag=se&keywords=sam+tallent+brut&qid=1769522903&sprefix=sam+tallent+,aps,181&sr=8-1&dplnkId=90401c83-a6a0-4ad4-999e-ece570a5d320&nodl=1     SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: Cash App - Download Cash App today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/g0yurtz9 #CashAppPod. Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App's bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flex card. Cash App Green features, Savings, Direct Deposit, Round Ups, Overdraft Coverage and Discounts provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http:///cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.     IndaCloud - If you're 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order @ IndaCloud with code CHUBBY at https://inda.shop/CHUBBY #indacloudpod     ZocDoc - Find & instantly book doctors appointments with ZocDoc @ http://ZocDoc.com/CHUBBY     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are back in the bed. Sam is always open to pool innovations, tells the guys about Buford Pusser, and can't remember if he had a bed. Nathan explains the wrestling handshake to Becker, hears about a piece of furniture destruction Sam had kept secret, and found out the $1 lighter lie years ago.     00:00 The Lights Just Came On 01:59 Frog Style 03:01 Little Thought Experiment 05:23 Maybe When I Get Home I'll Dream 07:22 It's Right There 08:50 A Lot More Time For Puzzles 12:55 There's A Name For That 14:55 This Game's For Kids 16:58 Move Me! 18:04 Sneaking Up On People In The Woods 20:02 Always Working 25:59 Do We Wanna Be Tough Guys? 27:46 A Big Bed 29:32 Working Man Don't Need No Bed 31:51 On Wild'n Out 34:35 With What? 36:54 Write What You Know 38:53 The Devil Can't See Ya 40:50 The House Needs A Cigarette? 41:48 Leave It Wrecked 43:34 Little Early 46:08 Just Have An Extra Pair Of Sheets 48:56 Last Time In Tamper 50:03 We Didn't Weigh In For That 54:11 He's Back 56:02 Oh? It's A Misty 57:52 Why Is That The Solution 58:53 To Put A Bow On     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Hey everyone. It's everyone's favorite hotel-based podcast. Chubby behemoth. We're back in the bed. Chubby bed heman. That's right, man. Back in the mud. I got to get up or else. Please. Yeah. I was trying to tell you that story and your eyes were closing. Becker, lights went off. But that's okay. Because the lights just came on inside Lund's eyes. Yes. Joined as always by Becker and Nathan Lund. We're the rude. dudes with the worst attitude. Fuck you. And you. Yeah, I'm over it.

You were saying mean shit before we got going. Well, I get it out before the... I get it out before the podcast. Becker soaks up a lot of your malevolence. No, everything's been... I'm distracted. Everything's been great, but then I'm tired. And so

the idea of now being forced at gunpoint to be funny instead of just chilling before the show made me lash out violence. Hey, take the pot off. Me and the Beckman have been working on all types of cool new high fives. Then it's not as good. Remember how big that was?

Rise up. Yeah. That was like the one, man. Yeah. What's up, blood? What's up, play it? Yeah, that was a good one. I still do that.

Like, that's my automatic when I see my boys. I've been trying to shake it up by going low, you know, hitting them with the backside, skin in the cat, all the way down. And your boys are having that. I mean, dude, they're down. I mean, if they're my boys, they know who I am. I've met a lot of your boys. I can see them being like...

They get that I'm whimsical. What kind of high-five is that? You don't... Well, no. When it comes to the pure boy sports that are like high-fives, you know, table-topping, they're down to clansing.

Yeah, I mean, it's like, that's like guy stuff. Yeah. They don't want to know if, what I'm going to name my next comedy special. You know, that's like, as we would say, frowned upon in the greater scumbag community. Now, Lund, you've been

practicing this not only in the pool but also on the bed now. I like it. Frog style. It's a good little stretch. Yeah. For my hymen. I'm going to blow it out, man. So it doesn't hurt too bad. You're not going to be my first. You'll probably be my last. I will. Your first will be your last. No, I want to go around the block. If it gets to it where I have to do that, I don't want you telling anyone. If I'm drowning, I'll kill you myself. And you have to, you have to bang me in order to survive. You're on the phone with a lifeguard who's yeah but it's 1,900 lifeguard

yeah it's like a sexy lifeguard yeah she's like I don't know why don't you put your tongue in his mouth I did that was the first thing I did

it it made everything worse right and he hated it and what's the song you're supposed to pump to isn't it rain and blood

isn't it 156 beats per minute Cowboys from hell yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I almost ripped my own eyes out of my fucking head in the pool. With your little thought experiment you brought to the table. I didn't say anything about going under water. You're crazy.

You're like Jacques Cousteau. And you're something I saw under there. He was supposed to go under there. He was like, watch me. Well, it was like you said, because I'm always open to pool innovations. We've been aquatic the whole trip. Shout out to the water. Thanks for having us.

Shout out pools. I guess we weren't in Nashville or, yeah, Nashville. didn't swim. But after that, we've been dunked. Yes. So, yeah, we, Lund brought to the table that he'd been enjoying putting his hands over his eyes and creating total darkness.

And I'm like, shit, yeah. It was more that it was so bright outside and in the pool I did it while just like itching or like getting water out of my eyes. I was like, whoa, it's dark as hell. But yeah, you brought it under water. Well, you see what I would assume that it was under water.

You were saying about underwater. Yeah. Because just doing this above water, not that great. But underwater, it creates total blackness. And you know how when you do this and you black it out, but there's still those little like sparkles of white? If you go underwater, those sparkles, those cracks, those fissures become blue. Okay. I don't mean like water blue, but like whatever like the UV quality of underwater is, like it becomes blue.

Nice. Very cool. But I went under with them completely jammed. And then I went to pop them off. underwater and it was like I felt my fucking eye coming out and I was like nope and I had to come up

and do it above because I thought I was going to yank my fucking bulb out dude I don't think that's how it works I don't know man you'd be surprised the pressures I wasn't down there with you yeah I pretty much submersible Titan A.E. That's exactly what I recreated in my orbital socket you almost

imploded yeah I almost collapsed my own face because of your bad ideas what do you got what's the breaking news uh fire stuff oh okay fire alerts there's fire there's a fire pretty close to trinidad so it's a little scary but it's under it's being contained so i would imagine it won't get as big as the other one thank you muslim god north of town yeah muslim god's been killing it lately he's been on fire man literally in the prophet mohammed uh he's got that flaming sword that you saw in your dream oh dude episode four i need to dream about the sword again

Maybe when I get home, I'll dream. You came in, fired up. You know why I drums about the sword so much for that period? Because I wasn't smoking weed. And when you don't smoke weed, you dream all the time. Now the sword really has to fight, you know, from the tombs all the way up through the dirt. The Cheech and Chong movie that's in your brain. Brimms for chumps.

No. You know what you can do is you can wake up in the middle of the night to pee and then you go back to bed and sometimes you'll have dreams then. Yeah. Brent Gill would always drink water so we could wake up in the middle of the night. to pee to clear his head from being high, but I'm pretty sure it was not to pee. I bet he woke himself up so he could go back to bed. Huh. If you know what I mean. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes. Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, he runs a tight schedule. Today, I commented on Anthony Juselnick's book club post about his, how he doesn't like happy endings, you know, and he likes like sad endings in books, and I said,

happy endings. And I don't know this has been done before, but I was pretty proud of it, bleary-eyed this morning, you know? Happy endings are for children and Robert Kraft. How about that? Yeah, not bad. Robert Kraft, of course, got whacked off by one of the... At a massage parloral. I don't know if he owned the women, but he owned the building.

Oh, I didn't know he owned the building as well. Sure, yeah. So, you know, cats in the cradle in the silver spoon. Little boy blue. He had, yeah, he had a membership. And it said, owner, operator. Sometimes he would give the massage. Sometimes he would get the massage.

Well, he was so rich that that was the name of the yacht he bought for his penis. The membership. And just his little penis got it right around in the sink. He'd flop his cock in the sink boat. Detachable penis. Yeah. So he would be on a little yacht behind his big yacht. Mm-hmm.

Big boy. A dinghy. Dingy for his thingy. It would be fun to fly a kite with your penis. Huh. Right? I think it would be terrifying. Why? It's right there.

I mean, the wind could just, I don't think it would take as much force as you think to rip a cock off. Oh, my own property, so nobody can get mad. Get out of here, helicopter. You think that it would rip your penis off? I think it would be very possible. No, man. Maybe in a tornado. Maybe if you were Odysseus.

I don't know. Maybe if... I don't think it would take that much. Maybe if Zeus was mad at you personally. You're out there against his will. flying a kite with your wingus. I don't know. And he's like, no, I'm the coolest guy alive.

And then he fucking fires up the sky. But then you're probably going to go up there right away and hang out with him. Also, Steveo did the bottle rocket attached to his dick. I think that would be more pressure than most wind in his dick. It hurt. It obviously hurt real bad. Yeah. He was like, oh, my thingy.

You guys are both insane. I'm living in the world in between. What do you mean? What do you mean? You think a bottle rocket is going to rip a penis off. No, I said, Stevo did that on jackassie.

But more powerful than wind. But it's solid torque. The bottle rocket is more like torque or force. Because in the wind, you'd be taught and then get hit with torque. I don't know where you were taught. But go buy me a kite.

We'll go to the woods after this. Yeah, I want to know. Yeah. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll show you guys my wang if it's with a kite attack. I don't want to die by Emily's hands.

Why? Because if we flew a kite and ripped your dick off, she'd kill me. Well, this is a free one, so she'd get to hear about it. So she wouldn't be mad. She'd be like, well, a lot more time for puzzles. One less hassle. She'd become a lawyer, too. Dr. lawyer.

Yeah, she'd be in the Olympics for dance if I wasn't hassling her. Just go back to school, maybe learn to teach. She'd be on 12 more volleyball teams. Is she playing volleyball? Yeah, outdoor. Soccer, volleyball? She plays a little soccer, but yeah, she plays weekly. I went and played with her.

It was fun. Do people know what they're doing, or is it a lot of chasing after the ball? No, it's a lot of showed behavior. And then, like, there's two people on each team who are really good. And they're like, all right, setting. All right, you're tight. Close. Oh, a little tight on that one.

Sorry. Oh, close. Oh, bump. Who's setting? Who's setting? Yeah, because her. cousin Catherine comes in place. Catherine's really good. She's like 19.

She played, you know, varsity and stuff. So, yeah, she's in there. Where do they play? We play in the park by our house. I'll have to check that out. Come through, man. You'd be more than welcome. There's a pregnant woman on that team. I'll be one of the good players. Yes. You would know what you were doing. It's been 20 years. And, dude, you can totally chicken arm. It's just about

keeping the ball in the air. So, like, people are receiving it with sets. You know, there's no rules. Hey, everyone. Thrift Books. If you want to get a cheaper copy of Brute, 2201 from Thrift Books, Amazon, and also I read the audiobook, and I'm pretty stoked on it. Pre-order the audiobook,

you've got to hear me do a bunch of different accents, including people from New Orleans, French, and Italian, and there's some Dutch in there. And if you like my Jay Peterman, boy, howdy, get ready for a bunch of it.

Brute, September 22nd. Join the page Patreon, please. Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth gets you access to all kinds of great episodes. We started the Patreon right when we started the podcast, which was this month, 2020. So six years worth of episodes for you, waiting for you, dripping, expectantly. So please support the show. Go to patreon.com slash chubby behemith. $5.

Gets you four Patreon episodes every month and other stuff, including the NWO, the NWO, the Nathan's Watchalong Orgy. I'm watching wrestling. Episode three just got up. Book club. In a lonely place. Read it by September 1st. We're doing a lot of fun stuff over there.

And if you're dripping expectantly in Virginia Beach, well, why don't you go to the Funny Bone, August 28th? Excuse me. That's my wife's birthday. August 20. Bad news, Emmy. I'm in Virginia Beach. The 21st of August, Virginia Beach, Richmond the following night.

It's going to be up there in Brookfield, Wisconsin. Don't call it Milwaukee for tax purposes. Winnipeg, Cleveland, Indianapolis, St. Louis, Kansas City. And also, we're going to be doing the big book kickoff event, the 21st of September at the Post in Detroit. And then Barnes & Noble on State Street is opening its doors to us in Chicago. The big Barnes & Noble in Chicago for the opening night affair, the 22nd. Bloomington the next week at a bookstore there. Anyway, a lot of cool stuff coming.

Oh, I do have to say that I'm going to reschedule Reno. It was going to be in a couple of weeks. but I will get back up there probably early next year because I do want to do this dude's show. He is a big fan of ours and wanted us or wanted me to get up there. So, but yeah, it fell through for this, for the end of the month. So stay tuned. Reno, I'm sorry, go Wolfpack, Colin Kaepernick for life,

Nate Burleson Rules. And I was also up there. It's just keep it up. There's a Brazilian guy whose daughter is like very attractive. and may or may not have him and he kicks it with his foot every now and then. Whoa.

That's pretty cool. Hey, who cares? That's a whole, that's like, that's not wallie ball. That's in a room and you can do it off the walls. I think there's a name for that

where you can use your feet. They have foot volleyball all over the world. I remember that being in like the rec center. Wallyball in like the racquetball courts and that looked fun. And then the foot thing. We played wall ball ball as children. Oh, okay.

Whereas where you would hit it against the wall, when the other team had to hit it against the wall and it could only bounce X amount of times. And if you blew it, you had to get against the wall. If you blew it like three times, you had to get against the wall and everyone got to throw the ball at your ass. Yeah.

But there's a volleyball in that? No, no, this was just like a ball ball. Like a four square ball. Yeah. No, not a four square ball. It was like a handball. Those little blue ones. Oh, we played with that big hard rubber four square ball.

Oh, that'd be easy. Yeah. And then we also hooked each other up once you fucked up. What's hook each other up me? It really hit each other in the fucking back and ass with that big old four square ball. I would rather get hit with a four square ball than one of those little rubber balls. You can throw that thing so much faster. Four square ball all day.

Wait, are you also talking about, we called it butts up, I think, where you're hitting it against a wall on the bounce. And you're taking turns. Like I think there's an order of operations. Who has to be the next one to like hit the ball against the wall. and if it drops, like it bounces more than once or whatever or doesn't hit the wall, then everybody has to run towards the wall

and the last person to touch has to put their butt up and then they get the ball whipped at them. I remember that variant, but no, this was a game where it was like, you would have like two or three kids per team and you would switch off hitting it each team

and if you blew it on your team, you kept track. And if you blew it like three times you went against the wall, the other team got to fucking peg you with it. And the trick was to not be on the team. that Chad Christensen wasn't on. You wanted to be on the same team as Chad, Chris White, Jake Wiskamp, the kids who could

really whip that thing, because there are people getting pelted, you know, like people's calves exploding. It was very bad. Full on, like, thrombos being forced. We had an adult neighbor that loved watching us play butts up. He was like, all right, get those butts up. He was just drinking a lemonade on the porch and his road. Yeah, this game's for kids.

He looks like me, but nude. Kids rule. Hey, kids rule, mister. This is a kid. He goes, no argument from me. Keep playing. Why do you think I'm here? Play all night.

I don't give me. Kids rule, but don't let me see a ruler around kids. Hummila set the record. So many horrible things can be taken out of context. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Sure.

Especially with you around. Oh, yeah. I leave the remix on. The double entendge. What's Juan Tonge? The double. Entange. Oh, I just like to have fun. In this crazy, fucked up awful world we live in, to go after anyone for a irreverent joke, you should be ashamed of yourself. You should be totally, totally, if you're a journalist and you go after a comedian for something bad that they said, and by bad, a joke that you've purposely taken out of context on their podcast that's full of irreverent zingers, what are you doing? Write a story about some of the big G's going on out there. All the boo-ya's happening in the super... elite classes of the world.

Have some actual balls in your journalism. We're doing clickbait. Your thing that we should solve all human problems before worrying about animals, dogs. 100%. I don't agree with that. But there should certainly be an order of operations when it comes to some of the big issues of our time.

Yeah, and what people say should be lower. Well, they're just writing for clicks. So it's like, okay, if I write about this, then fans of this comedian will talk about it and share it. And then they'll have to defend themselves. Oh, boy, I'll be able to afford a new igloo cooler. You know? It's just, come on.

Be a journalist. Write a story. Write a story that'll move me. I just read a story and gun and garden magazine, a fine publication coming out of Birmingham. Yes. About Buford Pusser and how he actually killed his wife. Oh, so hey, I'm just saying there are still stories out there, and I'm reading them.

He was walking real tall after he killed his wife. Because like you used to say, he became God. Right. Yeah. I mean, look, if your wife dies, everyone's like, all right, man, you can do whatever you want for the rest of your life. Is that true? Yeah, because you're just wrecked. No one's supposed to die before their wife.

If you actually love your wife, you have to die like way before her so that she can like cut her hair short and start bicycling. Yeah, exactly. What? In my wife's case, marry a woman finally, you know, quit living as a straight woman. They can each put on a different episode of SVU and watch them at the same time. Yeah, like they're on an airplane. Was it like known that his, obviously it was known that his wife died, but like nobody knew that he didn't. No, he put it on the Dixie Mafia.

Okay. Yeah. No, no. He was a pro wrestler in Chicago before he became like the 27-year-old sheriff of Stateline Tennessee. And he literally had people, have I talked about this in the pot already? No, I don't know. Yeah, he had people like he, he, he mentioned it off pod, but we didn't even get into any of them. I was telling West Van Horn.

but yeah it's like he would have it like over here's Tennessee over here's Mississippi and his jurisdiction was on the Tennessee side so he's over here and I'm going to have to act it out so you're going to have to but he would effectively just be sneaking up on people in the woods for like hours and hours so he'd be coming up on the Tennessee side and yoink him creep over nobody here and now here he comes little bea

For justice seeker. And then there'd be a guy like right here selling moonshine whiskey or like running a whorehouse or whatever. And he'd be like, all right, I got you, you some bitch. Put him up. And then the guy would just go, I don't think so, Beaufort. Most of him, he would take his hat off, throw it on the ground. Be like, oh, you got me again, Jethro. Kick the dirt, break a stick in half.

Right. And then probably, you know, spend some time at the prostitute house. and get a couple fifths of that shine. Yeah. He was taking bribes. He was lying about he, they said he carried a big stick. Yeah. And they made a movie about him carrying a big stick.

Yeah, it was called Big Stick. Right. It was called Big Stick. I saw that. Walk hard, right? No, walking tall. Walking tall. Walking tall.

There was a porno version of Big Stick. I don't remember what it was called. Yeah, I don't know. It escapes me. Yeah, that would be a tough one. Big Thick. Buford T pussy. Yeah, yeah.

Beaufort B. Getting pussy. But yeah, they said he carried a big stick. He didn't. He just had a gun. He loved having a gun and he shot a bunch of people. But one time, like, there was a black guy in town after dark and he, like, found a fence post and beat the shit out of his car and was like, get on out of here.

Is that where the stick comes from? Yeah. So, like, one time he beat up a black guy's car with a stick. And everyone was like, he's always got that stick on him. And then he started selling the sticks because his family owned like a hickering. like forest or whatever. So the stick thing was just manufactured. Crap.

Whoa. And meanwhile, he was blasting people and taking bribes and doing payoffs and like blast people after they got over into Mississippi and they like flipped them off and grabbed their crotch at him. He'd shoot him and then drag them back across. Close. He would skip it off the Tennessee ground. So that it actually came from the state.

Legal shot. It was a ricochet at that point. It was beyond his culpability. I have some red clay over there in that. Delta mud. Bang. I liked how he mutilated his own face. Yeah, he blew his cheek off and everyone was like,

yeah, that wound looks suspicious for 30 years, but hell, he died a couple months after. He didn't live much longer after the big, I killed my wife because he was cheating and she was going to out him for taking bribes. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, well, I know what I'm going to do.

Shoot you three times. Then say it was the Dixie Mafia. Damn. Then blow my cheek off from the inside. Oh, that was to help sell it. He was a pro wrestler in Chicago He's always working Working tall

Working tall So anyway There's still some great stories out there Walking tall and working stiff Wait that could be the porno version Working stiff Working stiff or walking stiff Yeah sure

There was a pro wrestler Fucking tall I didn't talk to him I tried to give him the handshake And he was like Oh I don't do it that way I had to shake a man's hand Well yeah so that kind of went away

I think somebody told us that Does he talk about it? Of course. Oh. Listen to Cornett. That it went away. I have. He gets annoying.

He's so anti-AEW. It's like, come on, man. Like, I understand some. AEW just had Ian Fidance. Do stuff? I think so. I saw a photo of him dressed in AEW gear coming out, and it said Ian Fidance behind him. Whoa.

Yeah. I didn't see that. And you want to say they're protecting the business? No, just I understand that Cornett doesn't like a lot of. what they do, but I feel like it's a little more, like he's working probably when he is just like general hatred, whatever, of everything that they're doing. So, yeah, I, I, I, general hatred. That'd be a cool name for a guy. For a wrestler. Yeah. Or a Buford T. Pusser type. What about genital hatred? It's just a guy with a pair of cigar clippers. And he's like,

who am I sniping tonight? He attaches a kite to their dick and then turns on a fin. Yeah, yeah, that's his finisher. It's not my fault. It's the kite's doing it. It's not my fault. Or the fan. I'm just a guy. Just one man.

The wind can be blamed. Turned on a fan. Who cares? Is that a crime? Maybe. Electricity might have pulled the trigger. They powered the fan. Where does this end?

The dam that powered the electricity, the powered the fan that ripped this man's penis off in the wrestling show that I wasn't even booked on? The Tennessee Valley Authority that caused the dam to be built. This episode is brought to you by Cash App. Cash App does more than you think when it comes to having your back and making sure your money stays your money. Cash App just released a new status program for the way people actually spend, called Cash App Green. Now when you spend at least $500 a month with the Cash App card, you earn green status, which unlocks benefits like up to $200 of free overdraft coverage.

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Visit Cash.app.com slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Cashap rules. TVA. What were we saying? Oh, somebody either Royce or somebody that I think that we know personally, who was a wrestler, has said that that kind of went away. Like, that was a thing. But then probably just if you shook real soft,

it was to let the wrestlers know that you did not work stiff. You work soft. Or take yourself too seriously. It was just like instead of being the tough guy. Yeah. And but that kind of went away. It was also the gauge of it where it's like, If I shook your hands like that, it's like, that's how much I want to work.

Okay. Like, that's how tight I'm going to work. Okay. But if you, like, crush the guy's hands, like, we're working snug tonight, brother. We're working tight tonight. Okay. I'm doing a bunch of research for this, like, book maybe that I want to write. So, like, I'm jamming a bunch of this stuff in.

Okay. So, okay. So I didn't know. I don't know if I ever knew about that, the spectrum. But I did remember that I think maybe the soft, the gentle handshake took over backstage. Or maybe it was also in response. to all those guys trying to crush each other's hands because they were all so competitive.

It was like Stan the man, Bruiser Brody, like all those dudes, Larry's Obisco, fucking your guy, Harley Race. They're all crushing people's hands. And then I guess those dudes right around like the early 80s were like, this is stupid.

And like we're all jacked now. Like we all look cartoonishly huge. We could clearly all kick each other's asses. Like do we want to be tough guys when we're all on steroids and trying to get laid and do blow? And there was actual. money in it then like a lot more guys are making money so like that whole bravado kind of like

went the way of the hey look at those blondes out there who will suck anyone in this car well yeah also yeah if you get hurt you don't get paid you everybody would be pissed if you like injured a top guy so everybody had to be a little yeah a little more careful tv made it easier to tell stories over time as opposed to getting your shit in little rocks so they remembered you right you didn't have to give it you're all everywhere you went because more more people saw the TV stuff. I'm still working that way in stand-up. I don't have a lot of clips,

but if you come to a show, I'm doing fucking 60-minute broadways every goddamn night. Yeah, you get dropped on your head. Oh, yeah. You're like, make fully. I'm putting people over. I'm going over the guardrail. I'm taptoeing on the pinwheel.

Is that a thing? I don't know. What's a pinwheel? I don't know, man. Quit yawning. I can't quit. It's 3.30. It's a biological response.

I had to sleep on the couch. Becker got a bed? What the hell? Yeah, because Becker and me went through. Hell. Yeah, you did. Being Becker endured. I'm glad.

And I rewarded him. No. He wanted to sleep with me. It would have been insane for you guys to get to there. And Becker to be like, well, I should probably get on this couch since Lund will be here in the bed tomorrow. You said, I'll sleep in the bed tonight. I'll sleep in the couch tomorrow. And I said, Lund can take the couch for a night.

Yeah, I didn't want to sleep on your stuff. Yeah. Whatever your stuff is. You had a big bed. Sure did. And there was a whole section of it that wasn't being used at all. Yeah, I never touched the other hemisphere of the bed. Yeah, I could have been all the way over.

I could have been over there watching SVU, whatever you wanted. Do my whole skincare routine. So at the bed doesn't even know that a person slept in it on that side. Emily's like, I'm going to bed, but I need to get ready. And I'll be like, cool. And I'll put on like another episode of Better Call Saul and finish it because I know she's up there. Putting on all of her angel creams. American Psycho.

Yeah, exactly. She'll take a shower. If she's washing her hair, it's like, all right, I'm going to build a whole city on the same skyline. Are you back to that? No, I'm not, man. I had to learn a way to write that comic book. Oh, gotcha. Oh, yeah.

I like the idea of looking at your bed at home, and it's a tale of two shitties. Oh, dude. No, I mean, the pillowcase on my side is visibly discolored all the time. If Emmy didn't change my pillowcase or, like, say, that's gross, change it, or, like, do the bedding. I don't know if I even had sheets like until we moved in together and they were hers. You didn't have anything. No, I slept on a bare mattress with like this weird quilt my grandma made and it would be hot as hell on that fucking mattress. And the car, it would smell, it would smell, the room smelled so bad various times in my rooms that I had in homes.

Specifically high street house where my shoes were all had to be in my room. Because we couldn't leave them outside because they get stolen. And we couldn't leave them in the rest of the house because they'd stink it up. So I was just in there. Bear mattress, grandma's Navajo quilt, shoes reeking it up, Sig butts everywhere because we smoked inside. Mouthouse, you were on the love sack before I moved in. I was all over.

Yeah, I was all over for a while. You were floating. People want to complain to me about their lives in stand-up comedy. I don't remember if I had a bed for a while. You definitely didn't have one when I moved in. Fuck, no, beds are for the bourgeoisie. You were sleeping on my bed. Working man don't need no bed.

All he needs is a roof and a little bit of community. I think I inherited mine, but it still. You didn't get it. All right. Nobody could claim that it wasn't mine. I had it. Ownership, nine-tenths of the long. You had the tag.

Possession. I remember. Yeah, yeah, for safekeeping. What was that about? What? Don't rip the tag off this mattress. It's like a federal offense. It's like the ATF will come get you.

It's, I feel like I, it's so, stupid when you like just heard something about that but you can't remember I feel like I heard about that just in the last couple months and it had more to do with retail mattress stores reselling versus the person who buys it then taking it off it was to like make sure that it was built or not built that it was like made in the in the America and not I don't know it was stuff with hay and hair. It wasn't that it'll explode or turn into poison gas. It wasn't full of Sri Lankan gunpowder on accident?

Serran. I couldn't think a set. Did you hear me not figure out what sarin gas? Instead you said, Saranda. I was like, fuck. I didn't,

I couldn't think about it. I thought about ricin before I thought about sarin gas. Yeah. No, I was trying to say seren. Because somebody, last night in Naples, somebody in the crowd popped at top. Right.

And I didn't know what it was at first. And then I saw the, it was a young lake. lady and I was like, why are you popping your own top? Did you bring that in from home? Did you bring a white claw? A lot of guys started listening when you said a lady popped her own top. Yeah, whoa, she popped her top.

And everybody, yeah. Give it to me. Give it on stage. It's mine. A pole comes out of the ceiling. The lights start flashing. Loving an elevator. You just get like shoot off stage quietly.

Yeah, it shows over, folks. There's a new, there's a new circus in town. I still have to go up after her. It sucks. Yeah, nobody. She fucks up my name in the intro. She's hanging upside down. Her tits are flapping into her eyes.

She's like, all right. Sam Talents are your headliner, everyone. He's coming up here. You might have seen him on BET. Here he is again, Sam Talent. He was on Wilden Out, I think. You read Maddie Smith's intro. You bitch.

You upside down bitch. She's still upside down. Yeah, she's stuck. She passed out. Like she was in the pool. Didn't loob, didn't properly loob the pole. There's just flesh and blood all over the chrome. What do you want?

Me not to tell the stories. Not that. Save it for your next book. I am. Oh, brother. Making a doctor's appointment should not be difficult. Yeah. And Zoc Doc is here to help.

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Zock dock dot com slash chubby. Thanks Zock doc doc for sponsoring this messages. What's up, Zock doc doc? All hail Zock doc doc. Becker. Yes, go ahead. Go ahead. With what? I don't know. You just sitting over there? Meow, meow, meow. Yeah, we were having a good conversation. I think that he's always standing by or something good.

He's not. He's zoning out. He's thinking about cake and cars. What tier of a sou will I have next? How about this? Here's a little fucking, you guys want a little hot tip? Listeners of the pod, you want to save $6 on my book? Thriftbooks.com.

$22. I don't know if it's 22. Thrift books? I think I looked it up. Let me look right now. Sorry, I meant to say. something after you mentioned it last. No, no, no, no, it's okay.

I think it's cheaper. It is cheaper, but I don't think it was 22. Did you look? I have not looked. I looked. You're right. It's not 22. It's 2199.

Oh, good. Thriftbooks.com brute. There's 500 copies available. Crazy. Go get one. I'm nuts. Everyone that listens to the pod just buy a book from Abes or Thrifts or whatever. I can't buy off Amazon.

I don't care. Rob the library. All right? Just get a copy in your hands so I can do battle with James Patterson. Mr. Beest. That book's coming out.

Guess who's doing that book? The agent who passed on running the light. One bird Leovall. Great guy just didn't have the foresight. I hit up my new agent. I said, should we send Bird a copy of Brut? He said, no, let him buy one. Whoa, Dan!

Catty. Whoa, Dan. Wait, so you're talking about the guy who's like, I don't know who this book is for. We can get you like five grand, seven grand for this book. He low balled you. He boned it. Bird, you could have had the keys to the castle.

And now you have to put out James Patterson and someone named Mr. Beast. Good luck. Good luck selling copies with that. Bird. Yeah, he'll be okay. Yeah, he'll be fine. That was. He's going to be okay.

But yeah, it's cool that now that's also at stake. That was dumb. That, because I thought, I mean, that, yeah, you had, the hope that there's these young men mostly, but younger people are going to want to read this funny, weird book about a guy on the road about the real stuff that happens when you do stand-up. The edge of the blade.

I think a lot of people are interested in random, like, slice of life. Not that yours is like a fun rom. But like, not slice of life, but like a look at a very particular type of life that you probably will never. know much about. And then you read that story. You write what you know.

It's funny. Yeah, you write. You do stand-up forever? You write a book about stand-up. You're secretly a gay man who was a Marine who kills people abroad. You write a book about that. Next up, the man with the sweetest come in the history of loads. That's what I'll be writing about now.

Goulade, man. Yes. Amy, I'm eating nothing but vanilla ice cream and pineapple until I get home. And then we can do a taste test. And something called... Mine. Oh, yeah, I had an orange melon last night. I ate the whole thing.

Troubles in Tummy Town on the right up to Tampa. Yeah. That's all right. Were you struggling? I wasn't having a blast. You were quiet. I was very quiet and also mad that we had to leave at 10.30. And then also I had that whole melon way late in the night.

It was messing with you. Oh. Too much fiber. I mean, man, I cannot wait for this to explode. It'll be great. It's still sitting on it? Hell yeah. On the melon?

Yeah, it's building still. Yeah. I've not seen that I'm completely. round inside? No. I looked like a snake. I didn't notice. I was upstairs hosing off my body after that pool and I was like, my God, you're fucking round. You're bulped. It's because there's a whole canaloupe, which they called

an orange melon, so I paid $6 for it. Oh, man. It looked different than a cantaloupe. Not coming out. They had different rinds. It did. Yeah, it tasted different. It tasted a lot like a canalo, but sweeter. Yeah. Man. Swigga water for the working, man. Yeah, I drank mine.

And it got your ass. Not yet, but I'm excited for it to happen. I don't know if it was that or something else. It doesn't seem like a piece of fruit. I didn't eat a bunch of shit yesterday. Yeah. I mean, we barely ate the day before. We had it wah-wah because guess what?

When you have an awful day of flight and you don't eat all day until 10.30, the devil can't see you eat a sub from a gas station. And a cheese stuffed pretzel. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Was that good? No. They're never that good.

Didn't you love those from From Wawa on Cheats? Oh, sheets. Yeah, but this one was like a cream cheese stuff And I like a nacho cheese. Yeah, that sounds better. I like a little savory. I don't want a sweet treat with my cheesy friend.

Yeah, not for dinner. I mean, that wasn't for dinner. That was additional dinner. That was breakfast, lunch, and. Yeah. I had fourth meal for Brack. Mr. Becker, I'd like to break face.

Yeah. Thank you, Carlos. I think you already said it on the Patreon. Right, right, right. The bag deal. What's the bag deal? This is a whole bag situation. We can do whatever we want tonight.

Oh, yeah, I got the whole bag of chips. We didn't eat the chips. Those chips were trash. The naked Doritos? Yeah. I was like, you know what? If I'm going to eat a whole bag of fucked up chips, I'm going to get ones that are allegedly not dyed and poison.

And those were not died in poison. They had no colors, no vivid imagery. It was like eating a bunch of things. of fucking shaved rats in a bag. Yeah. No flavor. They need the poison. You got to have that poison.

The powder's wrong if it's natural. I guess I'm done with Doritos forever. Yeah. They're not good chips. The blue bag? Never been good. Cool ranch. No.

That's the blue bag. That was, man, that was probably my top Dorito. Tastes like, date. Yeah, it's fine too. I liked it. I loved it. I still like them, but I don't like how much crap is on them. And it gets on your finger.

and then that without the chip. Just that flavor is crazy. But no, those diet Doritos last night were bad and boring, and we left them. Oh, yeah, we were annoyed because the Airbnb was like, hey, we need you out by 10 because the cleaning crew comes at 11. Oh, okay. And the house needs to, like, reset, smoke a cigarette? What do you mean? The house needs a half hour alone to do its hair.

Also, like, don't. say 10 if you really mean that it has to be before 11. Right. Like, just say, hey, the cleaning, like what they said, but without the 10 o'clock, the cleaning crew comes at 11. Right. So please be out by 11. Of course. Be out by 10. Or if you're going to say be out by 10, don't say that the cleaning crew comes at 11. Because that means, hey, we got an hour to fucking risk it all. Yeah. That means we can just be, you know what you do? You can have one person chilling outside and shifts. Every five minutes you rotate people get the AC you know

a little more sleep a little more snoozers you were already up pecking around cleaning yeah I wanted you to leave it wrecked I came out and I was like damn Becker's cleaning that's good but we should have thrashed this place no I'm so thrash I assumed it was a nice place I didn't want them to fuck you

no no I'm the one who holds the keys that's the thing I have so many ratings now in my Airbnb I have like 67 stays yeah and I have a great rating except for one time in Sweden when I smashed the bed with my body. Yeah.

BFD. All right? I don't remember hearing about it. Well, I don't tell you everything. Damn. Body count. My wife and I came in from flight and we landed and I plopped down on the bed

after a long arduous, all the way from America at Old Sweden. Plop down, bed explodes. Fuck. Fuck me. It was made of popsicle sticks and my butt exploded it. I felt literally.

You were like an ogre. IKEA. IKEA. This was like knockoff IKEA. And you were 445. That was 600 pounds. You had your 600 pound life. That's why the flight took so long.

And your 100 pound wife. And you went over to Stockholm. Little Chuba, as we call it. Little Chuba. Little Chuba. Little Chuba. Before Chuba Hubbard, there was Little Chubada. Little Chubato.

And me, Duangis. And what? They gave you like one star and they're like, he killed my bed. Yeah. That was my friend. They said it was an antique bed. It was from 1999.

I don't know. Dude, they just give us a bad rating because we were like, the bed exploded and also it reeked like shit. Emmy was like it reeks like shit in here. And I was like, yes, it does. Not because of you.

No, not because of me. The pipe sucked. So yeah, we got a new place and they gave us a bad rating. But I'm saying is that, look. Yeah,

we could have left it thrashed and they could have thrashed it. I could have thrashed it and said, 10 o'clock, a little early for a man of my means. I'm a man who stayed in an Airbnb on Wednesday and Tuesday. I'm clearly very busy. I clearly have a lot of options for where I could be at this time, but I came to you.

Also, it's kind of precious. Like I understand what, no, not you. They call me the white precious. Little precious. White precious. at a hotel they have a million rooms to clean so you need from 10 or 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. But with the Airbnb, they're still doing that,

but it's one place. And yeah, you might have to do two loads of laundry between the sheets and towels, maybe two loads. Four hours. Three loads. But yeah, you don't need five hours. No. You don't need four hours to do all of them. Also, we didn't wreck it.

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federally legal, you can fly with them. Yeah. Legalize. Just have an extra pair of sheets, it takes 10 minutes to flip the house. Yeah. You go outside, you look around, you clean a couple zins out of the pool filter.

God for me. You come back inside, you sweep some weed crumbs off the counter, you know, take a tiramisu and half of a Cuban sandwich out of the fridge. You eat it probably in the pool. Yeah. You and your sister, you're cleaning houses, you know. She just came over. You're fucking in the pool.

You're swimming. You're nude. Yeah, relaxing. Your giant Haitian cans are floating in the water. you're perfect. You're exactly what life should be. And then you might find a Zinn here and there. But that's not on me.

They usually don't because of me. I do like a last sweep just in case either of us left something. And I usually will like throw away a dental pick or a Zinn if I see it. You cleaned out the pool last night. God smiles. Oh, well, yeah, we went night swimming.

Michael Steep style, R-E-M-style. We were night swimming. But almost immediately I had a bug right by my mouth. And I was like, oh, this could get really gross, really quick. And then tried not to think about it. Oh, those are probably sticks or leaves.

You know, the lights of the pool would kind of go on for a second. Then it would be dark. And I just thought, oof, I don't want, like worst case scenario, bug goes right in my mouth and I never swim again. So, and, you know, all the swimming,

it starts to lose a little bit of its luster. So I wasn't, I didn't need to be in there longer. I liked getting in and having a little splish splash, but then it was like, eh, I can't really stop thinking about the potential. Also for like a big old, like, gross

water bug or like a snake or something. I don't know. I had no idea either of you had bug aversions. I'm very pro-bug. I like that's bothering me in the pool. I don't like them in the dark where you can't see them coming, going. So what are they going to do if they come at you?

They take big old bites out of you like this. could bite you or just the gross, just gross, creepy, crawly if they get on you. I don't know. It's not that, it's not a rational fear for the most part. It's just gross, potentially really gross if it, like I said, if it gets in your mouth or ear or like in your hair and then you like feel something and you brush it off. So I didn't want that. So I got out and then I thought, well, I could help my friend Sam and my, and Becker had his feet in still, I think. Yeah. So I, Yeah, I skimmed it a little. I got at least one of the bigger kind of water bug looking things out of there.

And then some of the leaves or whatever that maybe could have been bugs for you. Well, you're welcome. I felt protected, taking care of safe. Cabana boy. When's the last time we were in Tampa? I came with you two times ago. I missed the last one. Becker said Pat was here.

Fat came? It was you and Pat. Yeah. And that was, oh, that was after Key West probably. Yeah. So November, not last year,

but the year before? A year and a half ago. What? And then I came. Because people are posting photos of the last time I was here saying like, hey,

coming tonight, can't wait. I looked tremendously huge. Oh, yeah. I must have been at the end of my big fat guy period. That is the very end.

Yeah. You were done drinking. Wow. I was a real hog on a log. Mm-hmm. People are posting and it's like, whoa, back that thing up. Yeah. Mamasita.

Yeah, you had it going on. I mean, past, if you're going to be in Key West, you're probably going to blow it up 20, 30 pounds. So I was coming in a little heavier than usual, but gee whiz, it looks like they pulled me from the water. No, you had already. You just started losing weight. No one knows. I never, I lied to you guys about losing weight. There was the, no, because remember you had lost enough weight that those guys acued

accused me of lying about my weight on the the fucking parachute behind the boat not parasailing what's it called? We didn't weigh in for that no he asked us our weights and then when we were done he was like

I think you weigh more than you said you did because the balance wasn't right so yeah then I lied and I was like no I was the one who lied then I think you were estimating because you'd already been losing I'm just saying if one of us was off on exactly how much we weighed it was me by probably 50 to 100 pounds

yeah So it wasn't you by 50 or you were 100 pounds. You were lighter than you thought you were. I think this whole story is light on facts. We have video camera footage. Yeah, we do somewhere. I'm popping one in. Why not?

But it would have been the very beginning. Like, I think you'd maybe lost 20 pounds. Do you want to tell them about your new thing? I don't remember what it is. Smoking all the time? No. You guys see Lund out there, offer him a smoke? Becker and I, when we did our two, we talked about smoke.

Or no, when we were with Zach, we were talking about smoking, how it's good. Yeah. And then, or how it's back, because Becker has noticed that, like, when he goes outside, he's not alone. He's often in a crowd. Smokers are either saying no one smokes anymore or everyone's smoking. There's never just a world where some smoke and some don't. No, this is based on. There's a little bit of that world forever.

I specifically said it was just guys that looked like us that I'd see outside smoking once in a while. Now it's kids. Whoever. 21 year olds. Teens are the ones who should be smoking. Yeah. 15, 16.

Or we said it went the other, or it was like the opposite of what had happened before, which is that people want to quit smoking and then they vape instead and it feels like slightly healthier or whatever. Oh yeah. Maybe slightly better. At least you get rid of like the stink or whatever. But now it's like if you were young and you never smoked but you got into vaping and or Zins, then you end up going to

cigarettes. When you have now. The best one. The best one. Yeah, they're going What a great little cycle they created. Yeah. Wow. Ingenious. But no, I don't know if I talked about when I got to Denver after our last trip, Oklahoma City, yeah, Oklahoma City in Tulsa. You spent a big cigar, right? No, I had time. I had a big stuff. I had a big stuff. I was hanging out with boss baby. And he offered me a Cuban. I said, when in Havana?

He thought it was a sandwich. When in Aurora? Yeah, I thought it was your Cubano. Yes, please. So I said, oh, yeah, give me half. Do you eat the whole half? No. I went in there for like, I went in there for like three or four bites and then

dicked around for a little bit at Bob Ross on the, Bob Ross on the YouTube. And I was looking at my phone. and then I like went to the bathroom and I was like, oh yeah, I should probably have a couple more bites of sandwich before I go to vet and tiramisu. And so I did, yeah, I had another go round. You've been eating like normal human amounts on this trip

except for the 10 wings that was just you using again? 10 wings with the falafel wrap. Yeah. Well, I was going to do five, but five you might as well not get any. Yeah. So get 10. I thought maybe you guys would want some, but.

Did you? Yeah. Okay. I thought maybe, yeah. And I couldn't have shared the five. Right. Also, I'm glad I got that the 10 wings because the falafel rap wasn't that good. I ate it all.

That era was candy-coated. It was so bad. No, before, it was a tube of crud. Erbecker and I wanted to go to Amburgesa Don Julio in Denver, but there wasn't really time, potentially, with traffic. So I just went downtown, and we parted ways. But I got downtown pretty quick and then had like some time to kill and I ate downtown

and then still had like over an hour and I had been kind of thinking about Marlboro Rents and how they're good and so I ended up getting a pack and a lighter. Oh yeah. Big lighter or a little lighter? Big one.

That's right. He's back. No, no. I feel like those little ones are not worth it. You're in the saddle. They're a big hat. They're a waste, yeah. Same with like, oh, yeah, we have a lighter for a dollar.

Yeah, and it doesn't work. So I learned that lesson long ago. If you're going to get a lighter, get a decent one. If you can see the liquid in the lighter, guess what? It's for smoking crack. It's so bad. Yeah, that's, you just, yeah, it's not worth it. You get a little older, you realize there's a reason.

You get what you pay for, et cetera, less is more. A clear one should come with a chore boy. Come with what? It should come with chore boy. Chore boy. Yeah. should just come with, you know, Brillo or whatever you need for that,

ready, your little crack nest. Oh, yeah. But yeah, I fucking, I almost thought don't, you know, don't get a pack,

you know, maybe one of the many comments. It's 1970. That'd be all right. I literally would have bought three cigarettes. I know. But, you hear that?

Big tobacco? Yeah, talk to little tobacco. Uh, big tobacco's little brother gets into the game. Yeah. Micro tobacco? Yeah,

start small. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I got a cigarettes. I could have waited. I guess that was part of it is that the other comics on thick skin weren't going to be there for over an hour. And I don't, I didn't want to bum off of a random person. So got the pack.

You just stand on the street corner snapping your fingers. Do I. Doop do I. Hey, can I grab one of those heaters off you, pal? Yeah, I'll sing you a song. It's another do-op night. I'll sing you a song while you scream at your wife. Oh, it's a Misty?

I'm all right, Toots. Is that a-dobody? Who's smoking an American spirit now? DCPA. Who's got a more, ma-ma, mor-mo, borough. Do you hear about all that? No. The Denver brass band, you know, used to play out, or they might still.

But one of like street band, you know, would play outside of DCPA. Make probably a ton of money. Like, everybody loved it. They sounded great. They were fun. Yeah. I don't know what they were called. It wasn't Denver brass band.

Hopefully not. But it was like 10 horns. And people that... Probably Rocky Mountain Brass. People that live down there. How high horns? You started calling the cops and complaining about the noise. And they were like...

Yeah. And they were like, oh, cool. Yeah, I guess why would we make a living? There's so many people coming out of those four rooms. You know who lives across the street. Those are all the metro dorms. There's some kid who was... I think there's also condos or something.

Maybe. But hey, you want you, Denver, what a cultural hub. No music on the street. They, yeah, there's finally, something cool going on downtown besides like drive-bys or like bar let out brawls. Yeah, or some kind of Santa crawl in March. And for, yeah, furries trying to fuck that big blue bear outside of the convention center. It's the zombie rock climbing festival.

But yeah, they got, they got, they got, I don't know if they got shut down. It was definitely, it was a thing a few years ago. And I think it was a new building. So it was like, you have lived here for two seconds. You don't maybe call the cops and say, uh, the thing that happens every weekend, I don't want it to happen.

It wasn't like it was going on at a 1 a.m. either. It might have been not that late. No, like when, when those plays let out, so maybe 10.30, whatever. Also put on a fucking, put on your music. Put on Kenny Chesney.

Why is that the solution? The baby's crying. If there's no rules. then let's go for it. They just want a reason to kill their family. So it's like, oh, I guess if there's no rules and we play music whenever we want, then I can kill my family. And it's fine.

That's fine. It's a bunch of four-seven, I guess. This is what we're doing now. I'm just following the leaders down there. Society's crumbling. Guess what? Popcorn mode for Susu. Oh, buddy guy and his boys are down there.

Taking it for a walk. I never have to take my dog for a walk again I'm eating my dog Are you happy? Is this what society is coming to? I'm eating and fucking my dog Hope you guys are happy out there If you called the police on a brass band in Detroit

The cops would show up with an oboe To put a Not a pin To put a bow on the smoking I know I'm huge I know that I can't I know that I can also smoke and so I am not going to

continue smoking it's for this trip or whatever I'm not going crazy I know but I have so but it's not like I smoke your way thin no that's not what I smoke my way to the top

you know I'm talking about it helps me quite a bit I can't imagine walking 30 miles a day no but I mean like I don't know what my appetite would be like you would be even crazy Yeah. If you weren't smoking. Yeah, I know.

So, yeah. And I don't, I want to lose some weight, but it's not in order to smoke. It would just be. Maybe that would be a good motivation, though. It could be a little reward. If you lose some pounds, you get a smoke all the time. I don't want to smoke a bunch either. If you have to smoke, I don't lose the weight.

It's for sure part of my motivation. If you don't lose weight, you have to start smoking all the time. Yeah. But if you do lose weight, you get to choose when you get to smoke. This is like Becker in the shots tonight. It's like Saw. Like saw. That sounds like saw.

It's a lot like so. I get trapped. I get knocked out coming out of the wah-wah. I wake up in a cage or whatever. You've been very fat your whole life. You're huge and you love smoking. You also love smoking, apparently. You're like a big smoked ham.

Well, what if we made you a smoked ham? You smell that? That's hickory smoke. It's slowly filling the room. Every 10 minutes you will be glazed. just like a shower of soy sauce I have to smoke four packs in order to get out or eat my body weight and ham

Yeah And I'm like I don't... Easily, I feel fine Oh, I just saw How, you're strong. A pose, yeah, that's all the eating. I just... Smoking.

I just saw that, I think recently you thought that we did the Denver County Fair Hot Dog Eating Contest in like 2015. 2016, I thought. 2016, it was not. It was like 2011. Whoa. Old. 2013, maybe.

It was like me and Emily's first date. Yeah, it was a while. You're going to come see me eat some tips. Was he so cool. Yeah. No, you guys were 2012 like me and Megan. So yeah, 2012. I think maybe 2013.

Emmy, were you there if you're listening? I know you are. You freak. I don't think she was. I think she was. Or maybe we met her for dinner and I was like, I'm fine. That sounds right. So maybe it was 2013, not 2011.

But yeah, I didn't think it was that long ago. either. But it was. And then I went back and won the spelling beat, I think the next year, or maybe two years after. They were all hot dog related words. Yeah, I knew them all.

Brought worst. Bun. That guy got bun for real. They started with bun. Start slow just to get rid of, you know, the riff-reff. Cats up or ketchup? Can I hear the pronunciation?

Can I taste it? Okay. That's D-I-J-O-N. Oh Oh.