Chubby Behemoth - Live At High Plains

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

Maupin. Gborie. Carmels. Toad.   We will have the regular free episode out this week as well.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Five, six, seven, eight. All right. Hey, everybody. Look how many microphones and how little table we have. Hey, everyone. Keep it going for Max and Mel, everyone. Eminem Music Factory. Oh, that's fun.

Hey, it's me. All scrunched down. Sam T, everyone. We got Nathan Lund right here to my right. And of course, the indomitable Jacob Sam T., everyone. We got Nathan Lund right here to my right. And of course, the indomitable Jacob Becker, everyone. Hey, everybody. How many of you have heard

our podcast before? How many of you couldn't get in somewhere else? Excellent. Well, you're in the right place. It filled up in here a little bit, just like your diaper. It kind of filled up. Well, I hope the crowd doesn't change.

Should I stay down here the whole show? No, adjust the microphone. No, I like it down here. Your shoulders are gonna cramp up. That's alright. I haven't had any electrolytes in days. I'm running on fumes. Becker's here. If you haven't heard our podcast before, Becker is

our producer, and he barely talks. But today, he's here in front of all of you to blow it publicly. Yeah, to barely talk still. Now, Becker, you have a gift here from one Noma. Awesome. Tell everyone what you have.

I have salted honey caramels and a mamba. Yep. Pack of mambas. Not one solitary mamba. You got 18 to 24 mambas. That's true. What kind of animal would give someone a single mamba? I don't know. Someone on a fixed income? A war widow?

These are open. Did you already try one of these, Sam? No, I don't have carbohydrates in my body. Oh yeah, that's right. Because I'm brave and you guys are weak. Yeah, give me one. You're going to have one in front of me? It's a taffy. This one's mine. Okay. So Becker's thing on the podcast

besides recording it is he likes to eat a lot of bullshit all at once. So here he is and he's expected to eat every one of these caramels by the end of the show. They're very melty. Okay, well, that won't stop. You eat the wrapper, you pig.

Suck them dry. Yeah, take a look. Not bad. That's pretty good. Of course it's pretty good. You thought it was going to be poison? No, but it's really, really good. I would suck off everyone in the room just for one of these caramels.

I'm so horny for carbohydrates. Just one? Can't have one. Just one hit. It would ruin my program. I'm going to live forever. You were going to eat some hash browns if they would have crisped them up. I was not going to eat those fucking hash browns.

I don't eat fucking hash browns. What do you have against hash browns? Okay. Are you serious yeah kind of you guys know about the man mandela effect i was familiar with this thing the internet made up to sell berenstein bears books uh remember when we were all kids and uh we only had white presidents and things weren't good yet you know and all we had was hash browns and they were what crispy crispy they were never these lumpy wet piles of mush

that come on every diner plate now and i don't know what the fuck happened maybe it's america's fry cooks didn't have any war issues, you know? They didn't have enough PTSD to fry up fucking hash browns like burnt Hudson Da Nang. But there was peace in the 90s and then in the 2000s there was actually,

there's flashbacks now instead of just daydreaming. Yeah. There's PTSD flashbacks. You can't get a good hash brown to save your fucking life unless you order it well done. And I'm not gonna beg them

to give me the right fucking way to cook hash browns. I it well done and i'm not gonna beg them to give me the right fucking way to cook hash browns i'm not weak i'm not gonna cower to big brown all right and it sucks now you can't get hash browns they feel like they were pre-chewed by some kind of fucking toothless hobo and then they spit them on your plate and now i can't eat hash browns or ever be around hash browns at a diner because my wife asked me to go sit in the car. Because of this exact conversation. I had good ones.

You didn't have good ones. They were great. Most of them weren't crispy. They were bullshit hash browns, and you smothered them in green chili, and my leftover ham steak. Yours looked like horse shit, but mine were good. No, yours sucked. You just don't care because your tongue is on break. You called everybody ma'am.

I did call everyone ma'am. We went to Breakfast King today, Becker. Oh, nice. Damn. Chill out. The third best diner in town? You're like, oh, tell me more. Yeah, but it's definitely the best diner in Trinidad. Yeah. When? Bob and Earl's is sick. Nah, I think

Breakfast King's better. You guys can talk about Trinidad 364 days a year. Don't bore us. We got a mutiny. I do think you're right. I haven't had decent hash browns in fucking forever.

Thank you, Becker. But at home. Homemade hash browns? You're not making hash browns at home. You're fucking microwaving Pop-Tarts and putting taffy in between. I'm not, like, I'm not, uh, I'm not, like,

uh, what do you call it? Cheese grating them. I'm not grating them myself, but I use those frozen ones. Yes. I blew it real hard today at that fucking Breakfast King.

There was, our waitress had a neck tattoo and zero teeth. She's just trying to survive like we all are. And Lunn comes in, and I ordered him something to go, and he sat down and he ate it in the restaurant. And she said, well, that's okay. I thought you were going to have breakfast in bed.

And I said to this poor woman, you think he's sleeping in a bed? He sleeps on bales of hay. And she said, well, I sleep in a tent, so I'm bales of hay. And she said, well, I sleep in a tent, so I'm not gonna judge him for it. She sleeps in a tent, and I tried to make a fun joke

about him looking like a barnyard animal, and instead I'm reminded that class war surrounds us, and it sucked. And then, you know, Sharpie didn't tip. I'm kidding. He tipped. She represented the breakfast proletariat for sure.

She's a breakfast surf. How many people's meals did you finish today? I had mine. And a little bit of your ham. Your ham leavings. I chewed around the rib, the bone, the bone in. I left the bone for you because I know it's good for your teeth. When was the last time you had meat before the ham?

Yesterday I had a shitload of meat. We went to Korean barbecue. Korean barbecue. I ate 14 pounds of meat. I've got uric acid pills, so hopefully you can't overdose on those, and I will ride the lightning. Because there's Music City Hot Chicken tonight. They're one of the sponsors,

and they're feeding us tonight. I had to have sexy pizza for the 845th time three hours after it was made, you know, festival style where it's awful. Lund has gout real bad for everyone who's new, and it's hilarious to me.

I was hoping you had the cane this weekend. I hope you won't feel the pain. No, I used to try to get away with meat once a week, and I can't. It's too much, so I have to space it out to every 14 nights. Yeah, right. I can have some meat, so this is the night, and hopefully, yeah, hopefully I'll be okay.

Last time Lund was in front of Mutiny he had that, were you here for him with the cane? Yes. And he came walking up. We recorded here. He was sleeveless. He looks like the surf's up penguin from Batman. Like if the penguin fought the Ninja Turtles in some crossover it would have been Lund.

And I just kept going up to people. Oh, screaming it at everyone. Friend and stranger are like, hey, check it out. What's new with you? Oh yeah, Lund has gout. You know, just like immediately. Like wanting to be the center of attention

and direct attention to my worst day at the same time. Make it about him by pointing and laughing at me. A true psychopath over here. I want to do it with a rascal scooter so bad. When our Patreon hits 5K, that's what we're getting you.

Rascal? Sounds like a win-win. Sick of walking. It's a dream come true. Real quick, want to shout out everyone here who has them. Keep it up.

Thank you for having them. Yep. Looking around, seeing them, loving them. Nicely up. All right. Thank you for having them. Yep. Looking around, seeing them, loving them. Nicely done. Yeah. Feel free to dump. If you got a cool dick, I don't want a picture of it, but if you just say, hey, I've got one, it'd be like, hey, nice job.

Yeah. Except for you, Flynn. I hope you don't have anything down there. I hope you got a half a pack of certs in your pants right now. I don't want you to have a good dick, Alec. You shouldn't have gorgeous face and killer dick. No, it's too much. Look at him.

At least he's like 5'4", so he can't get too cocky. Cannot be a complete asshole. Still has to listen a little bit now and then. You got to tune in or else you're not going to get laid. Yeah, but his girlfriend's 6'2", and she's a pussy model, so it doesn't matter. You gotta tune in or else you're not gonna get laid. Yeah, but his girlfriend's 6'2 and she's a pussy model, so it doesn't matter. Sick. Yeah. She's got the best one in the history of having it.

I'm kidding, but she's lovely. I love you. Despite everything about you on paper. But hey, that's not what this pod is about, celebrating men. That's not what we do here. And also our fan base is a bunch of fucking hairless pigs. So we appreciate all of you.

It's good to see you all here instead of shooting up a mosque. That's a victory. Jesus Christ. Well, look at them. Yeah, some real toads out there. And it's crazy because the women who like our podcast, they're like, you know. Mowing. Yeah, both the guys.

Yeah. Max is nodding. So, hey, should we bring out our guests? Yeah, let's bring them out here. All right, hey, bring them out, bring them out. Becker's got some caramels to eat. The caramels are melting in the room from the heat, and it's becoming like,

I don't want to lick my fingers that much right now. When do you want to lick your fingers? When I'm at home and not in a super spreader event. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, super spreader event sounds like an orgy to me, huh? Yeah. Legs instead of a deadly virus

is the only difference between those two events. Hey, let's spread the love right now. Bring it on first. You know him, you love him. The host of Late Late Breakfast to everyone. Please put together the pride of Louisville, Kentucky, Danny Moppin!

Danny! Alright. Moppet! Danny! All right. Hollywood. Danny Moppet. Mamba? Yeah, man. Let's get there fast and take it slow, y'all! And joining him,

none other than everyone's favorite from all Fantasy Everything, probably something on BET. The voice of VH1 and VH2. Elizabeth High School, Class of 2005. Please welcome to the stage

David Borey, everyone. Shout out to every wrestling tournament. Yeah. David, I wanted them to play tip drill to bring you on, but Max didn't have that. That's understandable. They don't make it for Trumbo. No. So, Max, we've known Max

since he was in probably middle school. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He wasn't always that big. Maximality? No, he wasn't. Remember, he used to bang his girlfriend in the coffee shop. Alright, that's neither here nor there. He's very happily monogamous now. That was a different person.

Max used to strip in New Orleans. What was your name, Max? Oh, man, Manny. One time they called me furball and made me come out to Wookiee Dopes. There you go. Yeah, they'll do that to you. Yeah.

Follow Max if you want to see what Elizabeth, Colorado is all about. It's hacky sack and wearing suspenders every day of the year. Is that accurate? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's about it. He's out by the sand dunes now and so we have bonded over being

in like, you know, the outer reaches of Colorado civilization. And he got a bunch of tools from some old guy that I think was planning on, you know, suicide by cop or something. He's like, hey, take thousands of dollars worth of tools. I don't need them anymore.

So I told them last night, if shit goes south, if, like, the Walmart in Trinidad runs out of food, Megan and I are taking the dogs up to Moffat County. We're going to hang out with these two. Yeah, you told me that today. We'll work the land. Where was your brain last night at 2.30 when you cornered Max and Mel,

and you were like, hey, my bug-out plan is y'all. I'm on South Broadway, and I'm like, this is not sustainable. We can't have this many young idiots. There's too much hot chicken. The hot chicken, yeah. People are getting all blackout drunk

and riding scooters. It's bound to collapse sooner than later. That's why you moved down south where the mayor is a mule. Oh, yeah. Simpler times. We all know Nathan from his famous planning. You suck.

I'm like an animal. I feel the earthquake or the storm coming before humans and I know to fucking skedaddle. I do think that snakes are the ones we should follow. You're like an animal because you got into too much rancid meat. I don't know what you're supposed to eat and what you're supposed to leave alone. You're like an animal because I can't leave my leftovers out.

And also your coat is amazing, but your joints are terrible. You're just the St. Bernard of a human being. He used to carry a barrel full of rum in the coat. Remember all those skiers he saved? The ones he

didn't save, he ate. I knew whether they were going to live or die, so it was up to me whether I ate them or saved them. I do think that when the world collapses and the big star is about to hit Earth, I'm going to follow Gordy because he's so low to the ground. I have a Bichon poodle.

He's old, blind, and demented. But put him down. It's over. That dog is done. It's over. That dog is done. He's beat. I need to just have a backup Gordy in a drawer in the house at all times. Because when he dies... There's no time

for Emmy to mourn. Emmy just thinks Gordy lives for 28 years. By then we have kids we don't talk to. It'll be great. I can't wait to give your kids fireworks and cigarettes. Oh, yeah. That'll be good. They'll say thank you in French.

You can't, but they can. They're just calling me mean, fat names in French all the time. And I'm like, oui, that's hello. When we went to Paris, me and London, Bobby Crane and Sharpie, I didn't know how to say sorry. Who speaks French in here? You've never learned how to say sorry. What are you talking about?

I say sorry all the time. Bullshit. He wanted it in his back pocket. I was doing duo for like a month. I was like, this isn't going to help at all. But I knew je suis desolé, so we could apologize for him or me or whatever. As we're just breaking shit that's thousands of years old.

You didn't know the other words, so it was like, je suis desolé. Je suis desolé, and he keeps going. Oh yeah, the rest would be in English. Je suis desolé, you have to close your store now. Je suis desolée about the toilet.

Je suis desolée, the nation is out of butter. Dude, we were eating some wild shit and those toilets were not built for our American needs.

Oh my God, what a nightmare. Was it France or Italy where you destroyed a toilet? Well, I've really left a wake of terror. Yeah, they all got new paint jobs. Italy felt the wrath, yeah. Oh, Italy. Italy, the first day in Venice on my honeymoon, I ate a bunch of squid ink pasta.

And the next day, it was just painted black 24-7. It was just the Rolling Stones on repeat. There's not water in the toilets. Wait, what? There's no water in the toilets in Italy, so you just have to look at what your body did. But we're going to Europe. They're not going to let us come back.

So you're always dry docking? Oh, yeah, dude. Ah, shit. Oh, it's a real blast. That's why we won the two WWs. Yeah. Yeah. Weak stewards over there.

I think we got saved by the Russians because they have no toilets. There's no toilets, no water. You dig a hole next to where you buried your aunt and uncle and then you shit there. And then it fertilizes their flowers. It's actually a good system. That's why the olives are so good.

It's beautiful eventually. They're covered in shit. Remember when we were in Paris and they told us that when the Germans occupied France, they put a swastika flag at the top of the Eiffel Tower? Yeah. And how much we laughed about that. No, no, no.

Sam says we. Oh, dude. Well, no, no, no. The whole thing, the whole story was that the French would not allow the Nazis to fly the swastika. So every night, somebody would scale it, which must have been, you know,

very difficult because if you get caught, you're dead. And they took that fucker down every night. So it was a cool story, but then we focused on, oh, so the Nazis were flapping swa right up there? We made a fun term for flying the Nazi flag, was just dumping it out. flapping. The Nazi flag was just dumping it out. Which is so funny to be like looking at the most beautiful building in the world and just think about a majestic red

flag flapping around up there. Majestic is the word you need to describe it. I know, that's what I'm kind of hanging on to. Look, I'm not into the Nazis, but they're good at icons. Keep going. That's a pretty powerful brand, that's all. Keep going. Their SEO was pretty powerful brand, that's all. Keep going.

Their SEO was optimized. Details, please. I'm not a fan. I just think they did good work. No, it's the messenger, not the message. I just let it matter the size of what they did. No, you're trying to put words in my mouth. All I'm saying is the swastika is beautiful.

Is that insane? 10 minutes in? He's going to say it before this ends. I'm not saying anything. There will be words. I'm the only one brave enough to say what we're all thinking right now. Jesus Christ. Tell the joke that you did last night about your mom in college. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. They probably were all there. Oh, yeah? Yeah. They probably were all there. No, they weren't. They had other shit to do. Everyone was there. They were waiting an hour for Dave's hot chicken. Which you have a grudge against after knowing about his existence for two hours. Yeah, you're so pissed.

He's so furious. About a new chain. Yeah, Lund just gets pissed about, you know, he saw a butterfly that wasn't symmetrical. Across the street, and the former Three Kings turning into what it has is annoying. It's like, we're going to put a bunch of shit here

and take away a bunch of parking and let everybody just be frustrated all the time. It'll be great. You're so angry about the city you don't live in anymore. Well, it would have been nice to stay here, but it was impossible. You abandoned it like a coward jumping out of Building 7. You live in Fort Collins.

Jesus Christ. Never forget. Never ever forget. I remember he jumped out with a swastika flag around him. One jumper flap swat the whole way down. He used it as a parachute

when he was in Brooklyn. And that's what we're dealing with now. That's my catchphrase now. Andrew Cuomo. No, the joke was also we drove down Broadway and you were like, oh good, of course. That's what you say every 12 minutes.

That's all you hear me say. Oh, good, or shut up. My catchphrases. Yeah, but you said, oh, good, wow, they got Dave's Hot Chicken from L.A. and right over there, Portland Donuts. I love this city. Yeah, anyway.

Yeah, and it killed last night, and then you talked about your dead mom for 15 minutes. I did 13. Good luck lighting me. You're already there about it. It took one day to set in. Oh, yeah. London had a really good set. I crushed, and everybody's like, Sam, you were so brave.

It's like, yeah, because this is a brave festival. It's a bravery. Who can be... Who can be the most brave up here it's like no tell some funny jokes god damn it so last night

last night at our show I did like 13 minutes about my mom dying and I get off stage and I'm like in tears and Bobby comes up and hugs me and Chris comes up

and hugs me and then Lund says I think you should get over it. It's been a week. Who cares? You're just jealous that your dad died

like two months ago and you don't have fucking eight minutes on it. You didn't get shit out of Rick dying. We gotta just let them hash it out. We laughed about this so I didn't get shit out of Rick dying. We gotta just let them hash it out. We laughed about this, though. I didn't think about it until way later.

My dad died at the beginning of the year. I didn't think about it until like a week ago that his name was... You didn't think about it? No, no, no, shut up. I didn't think about a thing that I'm about to say. I was too caught up with Trini. His name...

No, I'm running for mayor. I'm gonna beat that fucking mule. I was too caught up with Trinidad politics. His name. No, I'm running for mayor. I'm going to beat that fucking mule. We're going to have way less. I'm reversing all the mule mayor's policies, which is tons of apples in the street. I'm sick of it. I'm constantly slipping and sliding and almost breaking my ass everywhere I go because there's so many

fucking apples and carrots on the ground. Just loose apples. Oh, yeah. An apple on every corner. It's like, yeah, they add up. The wind blows them all over and they congregate and it's a death trap. Dude, there's crab apples all over Fort Collins.

My biggest pleasure is going out and squishing them beneath my bare feet. You've been eating them. I heard you admit... I ate one of them. No, you said you kept getting diarrhea on AFE. No, he can't... I will vouch.

He cannot not eat berries outside. Yeah. Apples... He came over to my house, told me his mother died. I cried in his arms, and then he went outside and said, they got grapes here. Yeah. You do. You have delicious grapes in your backyard. Your mother died, I cried in his arms, and then he went outside and said, they got grapes here. You do, you have delicious grapes in your backyard. Your mother died.

You see what he does to people? He just did it to you. He frustrated you. And that's what we're dealing with these days. And then you hurt him. You're not puppet mastering shit. You're not puppet mastering shit. Anyway. You do, but they are really good grades.

Hold on. Hold on. Before I forget, I realized like a week ago, my dad's name's Richard Lund, Dick Lund. Lund in Hindi means penis, so my dad was Dick Penis over in India.

We never made it to Bombay. It's my only regret. We didn't. Are you? Your dad never made it to Bombay. It's my only regret. We didn't... Your dad never made it to Carson City. Are you Hindi? I thought you just had a lot of hair. I'm whatever you need me to be. I'm a character actor. I can be Greek one day,

Peruvian the next, Puerto Rican by the weekend. Human toad. Man or Beast. No, there's a comic here. What's his name? He's from India, and he let me know. Come on.

What's his name? Prakash. Prakash. He hasn't lived here for a couple years. But Prakash Asali said, your last name is Lund. In Hindi, that means penis. So, yeah. but that was years

ago, so I thought about it in the shower not too long ago. Dick Penis, my dad. Rest in peace. Rest in penis. R.I.P. Dick Penis. Yeah, Dick Penis for Lund. Nobody cheered. Nobody cares. Hey, R.I.P. Lizbeth Talent.

Oh, yeah, the puppet master strikes again. All right, they've picked sides. My hand's inside's talent. Oh, yeah, the puppet master strikes again. All right, they've picked sides. My hand's inside of you. It's a contest. Yeah, it is. My sister's winning. Jesus Christ. Well, Sophie pulled a real wild one.

She's a real wild one. Wild one. Wild one. She's real wild one. She's a real wild one. Wild one. Wild one. She's a wild one. Yeah, my fucking sister, who I love dearly, she wasn't going to go to my cousin Annie's bachelorette party this weekend because she's grieving or whatever. You need to feel something.

All I feel is these crisp bills in my pocket. All right? Yeah, we'll just pay 60 bucks. Yeah. Yeah. This is a real cash cow. We had to rent the room. They're paying me in books.

It's a quinceanera after this. So Sophie was like, yeah, we are going to go to Annie's bachelorette party, but we don't want to drive. We want to fly to Grand Junction from Denver. And I was like, I think that's a beautiful thing. You should go for Annie and support her. And she was like, yeah, me and Emily are going to do that.

Can you pay for it? And I was like, I don't want to. And she's like, Mom just died. She's going to have three years of that. Oh, yeah. You're about to get her a Tesla. Oh, God. Sophie's going to have four t of that Oh yeah You're about to get her a Tesla Oh god Sophie's going to have four tits by the end of this

That's her wish or yours? It's what my mom wanted All in a row or like stacked like a dog? Dealer's choice. Your mom loved total recall, but was like, no, let's do one more. If you're getting four tits, you got to stack them. Right? It's two of us.

Tits? I don't know. You don't want tits to your pits. I like stoplights. It's got to be a column, not a row. Oh, like from belly to fucking necks. Yeah. Single row. Yeah, exactly. She'd be titted Oh, like from belly to fucking neck. Yeah. Single row.

Yeah, exactly. She'd be titted from the root of to the toot of. Yeah. Yeah, snowman style. That's what I want for my sister's four tits. But they're not all gonna be the same size. I'm gonna get her a grab bag. It's cheaper that way.

Yeah. It's like when you get the mixed candy at the store. Speaking of, Becker, candy update. I should eat more Mambas, I guess. The caramels are too good and they're too melty. Just eat them. I've eaten a third of the Mambas. Becker,

eat the fucking candy. I'm back on it. Give these people what they want. I'm trying. You can't unwrap it. Danny, you think your real parents are alive? Are you talking about me? I don't know anything about my real parents. I know. Danny's adopted.

Yeah, yeah. It got said, huh? No, I have a great life. Spoiler alert. Your mom was a chipmunk and your dad was a harmonica. You are a fucking... They met on a steamship. That's my catchphrase.

And this is what we're dealing with these days. I'm trying to get that one working. You guys remember Danny on that boat for Emily's birthday? Oh, he was going nuts. We went from getting on the boat, 14 deep, all of us. Mel was there. Blind-ass Eileen. She was blinded out on that.

She's a 55-year-old blind woman. We lost Eileen. Of course, which is very hard to do because she's 4'10", 4'50". No. She is. It's okay. she's 4'10", 4'50". No. She is. It's okay. No, she's not. She's not that big.

Oh, okay. Blind shame her all you want. She's blind as shit. Yeah. But she's not that big. Okay. You're padding her stats. It's as if I was being hyperbolic for comedy's sake, Lund.

No, thanks. But we all get on that boat, and Emily, my wife, is like, hey, is it okay if we, like, smoke weed on here? And the boat captain's like, yeah, just do it off the back. But no cigs unless you're in the back when we stop the boat. Cut to Danny a half hour later, hanging off the back by the propeller. Bottle of tequila in one hand,

which you drank half of. Yeah. Sig's blasting, and I kept being like, Danny, you're gonna fall on the propeller. And he would just go, I've been on so many boats. You were blackout at 4.30 in the afternoon. I've been on so many boats. That was like my second boat.

Oh, damn. I believed you. I believed him too. Yeah, I'm confident. Maybe the best disguise says Lake Trash. Yeah. Yeah, it adds up. And then we were like, oh, God, we got to get Danny off the back.

And then, no less than ten minutes later, ass completely out at the front of the boat, mooning God's creation. And that poor boat driver just had to look at your voluptuous dump truck. Those sweet marshmallow cakes you keep hidden for some reason. Yeah, a couple canned hams back there. Oh, it's such a nice ass. But that woman didn't need to see it.

I felt your bare ass that night. Yes. Yes. And then I fell asleep outside. That's right. That's how Sam does it. Yeah, what happened there? That's not true.

Danny had full... He squeezes him up and then he makes him sleep on the lawn. Danny, you had... I've known him since we were kids. That's his move. By the time I left, Danny had goldfish memory. Every three seconds he forgot what the hell

he was talking about. So he kept asking Sam to change the music on his phone and every four seconds Sam's like, it's not my phone that's playing the music. And then Danny's like, well, alright. And then a moment later he's like, hey Sam, like, it's not my phone that's playing the music. And then A's like, well, all right. And then a moment later, he's like, hey, Sam, goddammit. Change the fucking song. Yeah, I didn't say bye to your ass.

I just left. I was like, he won't remember shit. He'll ask where I am the rest of the night if I let him know that I left. I fell asleep outside watching Bob Seger live videos on YouTube. Goddam it. Yeah, okay, but how is that different than the night before? Yeah.

Like, I'm consistent, you know? Eileen was good in the water. She said, I wish y'all could see what I see. Yeah. I was like, you're drunk, you dizzy, blind bitch. She wasn't just drunk, she was tripping. Oh, that's right. She was like, where's Eileen? And she was like 50 you're drunk, you dizzy blind bitch. She wasn't just drunk, she was tripping. Oh, that's right. And you're like, where's Eileen?

And she was like 50 yards from the boat. It's like, well, we're going to need a bigger net. I tried to wrap my head around what happens in there when a blind person eats mushrooms. Dude. I don't even, I ain't got it. I ain't got it. She sees God every day,

so you can only imagine what mushrooms add to the mix. I've asked her what it's like when she trips, and she, of course, couldn't explain it. It's like I roll around until I get my cane back. Yeah. Oh, my God. Whoa.

I toss her around like a beetle that's falling down. The local teens laugh. Speaking of tripping, how about Brandon Patrick yesterday at the park? That was pretty fun. Oh, man. Oh, yeah, he bit it hard. Comedian Brandon Patrick raced, what's his name? Hot Johnny.

Pretty boy Johnny. Stand up, let him see your body. Come on, Hot Johnny. That's why I hired him. He's a good looking guy. Look at that guy. Specimen. Alec is jealous.

Dude, what if Alec and Johnny fight? What if they fucked? Oh, no. Denver's not ready. That would be a show. Lock the doors. That's moving tickets. Lock the gates! Yeah, that's right. Marin.

Yes, Johnny. Alec, whoever you want. He plays hockey. Slide his hell. The other hot dude we know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we want

the hot dudes to fuck, right? Yeah. I was watching all the comedians play Whiffleball with Alec and it was just

like a bunch of sad kids trying to get their dad's attention. Every comedian was like, Alec, look at me! Look at me, Alec!

I saw it! Yeah, I hated watching how good you were at Whiffleball, Alec, look at me Look at me, Alec, I saw it Yeah, I hated watching how good you were at Whippleball, Alec Every success you have is a affront to me Love you I love you too, pal, but Let's get you a bigger mask Those cheekbones are just too much You better have a gross dick That's all I said

That's what we're saying But you know he doesn't Of course not He has a polite Rock hard Five and a half incher He's got a little He's got a little woodpecker beak down there

That's what I'll bet he has It looks like a brand new Honda Accord It's sharp Yeah Right I take my kids in that thing It's like It's a state issued dick Is what he has

Or you posted a video of that race Oh yeah it's on the High Plains Instagram Brandon Patrick was he talking shit Was he talking about how fast he was He talked so much shit I wasn't there Brandon Patrick

is shaped like a duck egg. So, and then Johnny looks like he sleeps in the chin-up position. It looks like Apollo, oh yeah. Yeah.

So yeah, for some reason, this bulbous man tried to race Johnny in wingtip shoes. Right? Yeah. And fucking A. That could win 10 grand in America's Funnel Show.

That's what I was saying. It's like, that sponsor's next year's fest. Shout out to Ray Sean. She already uploaded it. Ray Sean the chef. Day of the... Day two. Yeah, I know.

I ran that by you late last night to see if it worked. And here we are again. Yeah, that was a dumb move. Not that joke. Brandon racing. Yeah, but he did talk a lot of shit from what I heard. I wasn't there. Oh, yeah.

All right, let's go back a little bit. Yeah, nice blind item, Danny. Oh, yeah. I was a little back a little bit. Yeah. Nice blind item, Danny. Hey, here we are. And that's what we're dealing with these days, you know? Still not working. Still not working. I love that.

Play him off, Maxim Melody. It's Danny mobbing everybody. No, I'm sticking around. You're pulling a real Noah Reynolds right now. Oh, no! No, I'm taking it down You're pulling a real Noah Reynolds right now. Oh, no! No, I'm taking it down to Noah level. Blowing. Oh, because you're sneaky rich?

No, no. I don't mean sneaky because of his affiliation racial. Yeah, you do. I just mean because he doesn't talk about it. Yeah. You're guilty. Well, you are staying at his parents tonight. So you're doing this as just getting other people

to say racial stuff. No. Yeah, yeah. They're taking our jobs. The Jews aren't a race. What? Nothing. You winked.

I saw you wink. I saw you wink, you piece of shit. I was choked on the mamba. Are you choking on mamba? Yeah, look at me. Oh, man. Oh, no wink, you piece of shit. I was choked on this mamba. Are you choking on mamba? Yeah, look at me. Oh, man. Oh, no. Yeah.

Mamba number five. You got to count in there. Mamba's back. The trumpet. Oh, I've got water right here. He's going to give himself the Heimlich on the back of a chair. Yeah. Grab me one of those, Becker.

Somebody starts playing. Oh, yeah, me too, Becker. They start playing taps on the trombone chair. Yeah. Grab me one of those, Becker. Somebody starts playing... Oh, yeah, me too, Becker. They start playing taps on the trombone. Ugh. Becker's dead. Yeah, but we've been staying at Noah Reynolds' mansion.

It's hilarious. Yep. It has, like, eight bathrooms. Uh, eighth and Gaylord, 805 Gaylord, house... house party tonight. We're gonna have...

We're gonna have four kegs, one on each level of this fucking sprawling home for five people. It could be a fucking hostel for like two dozen folks, but instead... Wait, does he really live on 8th and Gaylord? I can't believe you gave up the address.

If I had never known that guy and he walked up to me and they were like, where do you think he lives? I would say 8th and Gaylord brother we had a lot of fun when we found out as well I feel like you guys have just been hazing him all week oh we're breaking him in like a fucking catcher's mitt

right now he's all wrapped up in rubber bands with a ball in his mouth I was gonna do a rubber band jump Right now he's all wrapped up in rubber bands with a ball in his mouth. I was going to do a rubber band jump. So he's by a park or a botanic gardens. There was music playing somewhere nearby last night. And me and Sam and a couple other people were walking out. Bobby.

Bobby. We were walking out of Noah's Place. And this couple with a kid in a stroller were walking by, and the guy clocked us immediately as not belonging in the neighborhood. We're dressed like this, and Bobby had a jumpsuit on. Bobby was dressed like a burglar in a cartoon. Yeah, he looked like a fake painter. That was his disguise.

And me and Sam forgot our fake painter's outfits at home. We'll still do the job. So this guy instantly tries to neighborhood watch us. He's like, hey fellas, how's it going? And it's like, oh yeah, just leaving this house that's definitely not ours. And there's music playing and he goes, you guys know what's

going on? And Sam goes, yeah, there's a comedy festival. And we were like, yeah, not right there. He's what he's, he's not talking about what's going on in your life. He's not asking where,

hey, where are you headed, fellas? Yeah. He was saying, what's up with this music? Also, if you bust a burglar,

what are they going to say? There's a comedy festival. That's how you lie your way out of any crime. Yeah, the puppet master strikes again. What's going on?

Oh, you mean this music? No! I mean with you! Well, I'm up at 8 tonight and 10.30 tomorrow. We played a lot of ping pong last night. That's how we chilled out. Yeah. You were the worst. I was the third worst.

I lost to Bobby, like, 9 to 11. I lost to Chris, like, 10 to 8. And fuck, I was so furious, I had nightmares. I hate losing so much. I'm so hyper-competitive that after I lost, I was like, good game, Bob. And then I slammed the bathroom door, and the fucking doorknob fell off.

Slam this colonial era door. Yeah, this handmade Amish door and the antique glass knob exploded and then all of Noah's Fabergé eggs downstairs fell off the shelf that was made. I mean, he's so rich.

King Tut's body popped out of the sarcophagus. Yeah, the butler came up and he was like, more pizza rolls? Would the young master enjoy more grape juice? And you're like, he'll have nightmares. So fucking pissed about

losing at ping pong. Because I'm the best. Who beat you the worst, Chris or Bobby? No one beat me the worst. I lost by two both times. Okay. God. Jesus Christ, man. Where'd it go?

My tongue is bleeding. All the things I want to say right now, I was drunker and higher than everyone. Just saying. Still had to win at something. Yeah. I mean, I'm the best. My wife is so competitive.

I think I'm more competitive than her. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Emily and me can't play ping pong because we have to sleep in separate bedrooms afterward. Yeah, I was worried when you got that table. Oh, dude, it's going to be the end of us. I was like, oh, this is it.

Yeah, if I beat her one more time left-handed, murder-suicide. I beat her left-handed once, and she won't... I bring it up every time I can. I'm like, good morning. Remember this guy? But yeah, fuck.

I'm just fuming. Anyway. Oh, yeah, fuck I'm just fuming Anyway Oh yeah, Bobby and Chris didn't even want to keep score And Sam's like, you have to keep score There has to be a winner, and I'm playing him And it was like, God, who could give Less of a shit Yeah, just follow it

Just follow it No Life needs stakes, Danny Not everything's a fucking country fair, all right? I don't need steaks, man. You just live your life one caramel apple at a time. Right across the street at Sputnik. Man, that'll be just fine.

You're not allowed in. They let me in casually. Well, you shouldn't have. What's in the news? That's what we're dealing with these days. He throws it to Becker. Becker, eat a caramel. I have to lick it out.

I ate all the mombo. Lick it out! Yeah, who cares? Hey, you guys want to start a fake radio station right now? Yes. All right, cool. We have to say yes I'm the producer

Welcome to Colorado's best classic rock station WFCK The fuck The FCC finds us every day But we're gonna stay on the air Until the last penny has been spent How's the caramel, Becker? Come on, Dave.

Becker's on his second caramel. We're raising money for St. Jude's and St. Baldrick's. St. Baldrick's. It's the give-a-fuck-about-kids weekend here. We're playing mountain, and Becker's shoving caramel. Hey, do you have an ingrown toenail?

If so, come down to Jippy's tonight for the toenail-off. Most blood-soaked sock wins. Free apple pucker shots until midnight. Kicking it over to our guest, Lumpy in the sky. Lumpy, how's the I-10 corridor look? I'm too high for it. Oh, Borey.

He's too high up in the helicopter, he means. He's selling the bid. Yeah. The five is jammed all the way to the 69. Speaking of being jammed, if you have a very, very impacted toenail, don't forget about coming down to Jippy's tonight. Ring out your sock, fill the shot glass,

and then we'll fill that shot glass with all the apple pucker you can swallow. We got apple pucker and Dr. Pimple Popper. If you got a gross thing on your back that looks like it's going to learn words soon, come on down. We're going to pop the shit out of that thing. Hey, Joey Chestnut will be there signing people's birth certificates,

so make sure you come down with those state-issued papers. You are who you say you are. That's how it goes. Hey, coming up next, we've got Chevelle followed by Shinedown because it is the weekend dad drive time power hour. Playing everything they play at the Meineke and in the Walmart. Stockroom. Thank you all for tuning in every day.

And hey, if you want to tune out, make sure you come on down to Jippy's because if you've got a toenail that is bent so far back into your foot that technically you have an extra bone, we can get you this plastic sack filled with apple pucker. Put it over your head.

Pretend it's a hijab. Correct pronunciation. Thanks for tuning in to WFCK the fuck. That's it, I guess. You didn't do anything. Yeah, you're right. I set it up, motherfucker. You bookended it with the same thing.

Yeah, work smart, not hard, dipshit. You know? ended it with the same thing. Yeah, work smart, not hard, dipshit. Man, people in Trinidad love crown peach. Every time you said apple pucker, I thought of fucking crown peach. That's what they want down there. If you guys want to bring some down and just

set up on a corner with a pitcher and some ice, you're going to clean up. You're going to make a bunch of money. Crown peach. I always liked 99 Bananas. Yeah, that's good. Oh, no, I'll get into those. That's good.

Yeah, you'll get into literally anything that doesn't have the lid on it. Because you're so drunk you can't unscrew the cap, all right? Dude. Dude, at Emily's birthday, I bought 10 different bottles of liquor, and you just went Pizza Hut suicide on every one of them. You're just, hey, whoa. I've never had gin and Kahlua. Let's go.

Look at me. I'm on the moon. It's not bad. It is. I cracked out of an egg on Thursday. Guava, guava. That's what you sound like after your 17th drink. Guava, guava. Boy passed out like 11.30 though

on the couch in the living room? Sitting up. Yeah, right after I got accused of assault. Whoa, let's bring that up. Uh-oh. Hey, welcome back to K-Fuck. WFCK the fuck. We've got a guest here to tell us a story

I would never bring up. No, yeah, there's that wacky neighbor lady, right? Yeah, he got Kramer'd. Is that what that... I don't know if that's what that means. I don't know why you brought up this awful story. Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

It was bad. Don't trust white women What was silly though Is that was like I decided I wanted to sweep next to Bori Yeah you guys went head to head I didn't I had no consent

You decided way before he was passed out I've gotta wait for it That's creepy Especially with my accent. How much caramel is in you? I have one more. Oh, hey. What?

Oh, yeah. Yeah! He's been cramming them. Oh, my God. Two, three, four, five, six. Is this what you guys always make him do? No. We don't make him do anything.

Normally, we're not in the same room do? We don't make him do anything. Normally, we're not in the same room, so we couldn't stop him if we wanted to. You're going to get juvenile onset. I don't even have pre-diabetes yet, which is insane to me. I've got pre-cum watching you eat these caramels. I'll tell you what.

Jesus Christ, Becker. Oh, hell yeah. Who hurt you? How many is this? A lot. Good. Well, Danny, you can't count above the letter K, so... And done. Time for Becker, everyone.

That's 17 caramels crammed. Simply the best. There we go, yeah. Better than all the best There we go, yeah Better than all the best Better than everyone I feel so sticky You feel sticky? Yeah, really sticky You should check my thighs

I haven't had any carbs in a while And just being this close to someone Gorged on sugar Makes me want to spill. God, it's crazy. I had my fun, you know. I've had some sugar in my day. Oh, yeah, you were so competitive at that county fair,

that hot dog eating contest. I thought he was going to pass out because he was just so focused and driven. Well, I crushed you. Yeah, to beat, like beat three women and then one kind of fat guy and a couple of kids. And me, I'm not the kind of fat guy. I was just whipped.

I should have been more competition, but I see how quickly he starts shoving immediately, and I was like, alright, there's no use trying to keep up. So I just leisurely eat like 14 hot dogs. Yeah, it was a walk in the park for you. I'm enjoying them. I'm getting to know the other competitors. He's just like, he's just like, if I don't win, then I'll disappoint everybody that loves me. God, who gives a shit? If I don't eat 19 bratwurst, my wife won't love me anymore. They weren't. Well, and also it was even grosser because I thought it was going to be regular hot dogs, which is gross.

And then we show up and you're like, oh, this heat is pork and veal knockwurst. Yeah. Oh, my God. And Sam doesn't bat an eye. And I'm like, oh, this is a whole different thing that we got to be careful. They didn't even need me. I was just lucky to be there. Like, hey, we need one more. and you look like you're not allowed.

You have to buy an extra seat on an airplane. Why don't you come up here? And I just dominated, of course, because I'm a born competitor. What did you have, 22 or something? Who can keep count? It wasn't a pickup basketball game. You were cramming sausages. I'm a born competitor.

Oh, I'm sorry. Have you ever won a blue ribbon? No. Yeah. The only time ever won a blue ribbon? No. Yeah. The only time you got a blue ribbon is when they put that one for the pig winner on you. What's the pig winner, Sam? Fanciest pig.

And they were like, Lady Oink-salad, I'm sorry. This one's walking on two feet. And then... walking on two feet. Stop doing that. You hate the puppet master thing so much? I hate how much you like it. Like you... I like how much you hate it.

If you want to talk about puppet master stuff, I don't know if whoever listens to this, if you heard the episode about Sam throwing fruit at his own house, that's because I whispered that into his ear. Oh, shit. So who puppets the Puppet Master, motherfucker? Oh, shit. Like Geppetto's dad.

What exactly did you whisper? Throw some fruit in your house. That's all I whispered. And he did it immediately. Where did you pull that? Did you see fruit in your house. That's all I whispered. And he did it immediately. Where did you pull that? Did you just see fruit in a shed? Well, I was going through the Tiki Bar suicide, and I got some ideas.

You were like, whoa, cognac and vodka. He was in the cowboy hat. You were jealous because you didn't have your duster. I didn't have the duster, that's true. But I just whispered throw fruit at your house and seconds later. Next thing you know, I'm sleeping in the car.

Next thing you know, the bank account's empty. See, that's the real puppet master thing. It's like, force a divorce because I've been in one. Oh, yeah. You turned out okay. No, I'm fantastic. Yeah, you're the best. Yeah, I don't know.

I shouldn't wear that cowboy hat. Because, like, I'm pretty much, when I get blackout drunk, I'm like a golem protecting Prussia. You know what I mean? Like, whoever puts the note in my mouth, I'm on their side. And it's very dangerous for me

to be allowed to be drunk in public. And I'm sorry. If I've ever hurt you, it was probably Lund. Let's be honest, we look exactly the same. He keeps dressing like me. I was dressing like old you because my boxers

were peeking out from under my short shorts. Look at your fucking sack. Oh, yeah. Not bad. That's all sack. That's the. Not bad. That's all sack. Oh, shit. That's the whole bean bag. It's mostly sack. You got it out.

Look it. Let's sit in that in the Spencer's gifts. The boys for a walk. I used to nap on that in middle school. Yeah, that sack comes with a Blacklight poster.

Who's got a newspaper? I got some silly putty for this week's headlines. That was like very quick nine riffs about your ball sack. Yeah. I just like to

come on! We don't pander on this spot, Danny. No. We earn it. Yeah, we don't have to play Kokomo at the end of our set.

Yeah, that sucked. Danny, I'm so glad you moved here. You're a welcome addition to this community. Thank you, I suck. Danny, I'm so glad you moved here. You're a welcome addition to this community. Thank you, thank you. Cool, two people like me. Yeah, if you need a bag boy at your local Albertsons, let Danny fill out an application in Crayon. I do have grocery experience.

Yeah. I mean, who would like a fired Trader Joe's manager right now. Of course. That's from my act. I suck. You just did a bit from your act? No, it's not in my act. Oh, my God.

We should have done this shit with Noah when he was in the shower. Shut up. all right? I know, but no. Noah was in the shower, and I was like, Lun, you know what the move is right now? You get completely nude, get in his parents' bed, and I send him a picture. Oh, that was the move.

Imagine how funny that would be. He gets out of the shower, he's dripping wet, and he's like, I'm real, I'm a boy. And then he's like, oh, I just shaved my body. I'm cool. And then he looks at his phone and he's just lunged with a little menorah right in front of his dick. There's all nine candles lit. Oh, yeah.

Do you know where to put a towel when you're done taking a shower? Because two days in a row now, you've just thrown it onto a rack, like a counter. You fucking hang it up. What are you doing in there? It doesn't dry if you just leave it sopping wet. You're auditing my towel habits? It's insane. It's not insane!

You're not in a hotel. It's not insane. Isn't this just the end of Jersey Boys? Why don't you tell them about how you almost fucking rose up on that pyramid today? What? I have no idea what you're saying. Yeah, right. You were piling out.

Oh, too much Korean barbecue, yeah. I filled up a toilet like an old one, an old big one. You said it crsted the water. Colonial. Wait, is the toilet an old big one or was your dump? The toilet. He was a half hour late to breakfast.

Because he was setting the record in the bowl. That bowl had a buffet of its own after you were done with it. Definitely had to press the bigger part of the flush button, you know? This was not a pee. How many times?

Definitely had to. Once? One flush? Yeah, one flush. Okay. They've got... This is not Europe. They've got a bunch of cool American toilets in Noah's place. Different themes in each bed. But yeah, you. No, don't talk about my

dump. You get out of the shower immediately without toweling off in the tub at all. You just step out onto the floor. Towel off in the shower, dude. No, you don't. There's water everywhere. Water everywhere. And then you just toss it

as if somebody else is going to hang it up. Guess who it was? You, yeah. Yeah, because I'm in charge. Damn, I'm so stupid. You're like his work wife. Also, you had your choice of two normal sized towels and then a tiny one, and you're like, I'm going tiny. That's fun.

That's like you're cleaning a Jeep. You get the little rag out, you shimmy. This will do the trick. And then you just leave wet footprints throughout the house. It's fun to let people know where God was walking with you. Looks like a...

There's a lot of stuff that I've wanted to say on this pod that I haven't because it's live, but it's tough for me to self edit I'm not going to say it, you're okay I'll say something Shout out to the comics

on the festival that earned it by being funny, working hard and then of course the other comedians who live in Denver. That's, uh... You lucky sons of bitches. Born on third, is what I like to call that. Like Noah.

Thought you hit a triple. You didn't have to do that at all. No, but I did, and that's, you know, it was fun. I've said it, I've complained on the pod already. You're so brave. Uh, yeah, this is the bravery festival. My dad died and I thought,

what do I do now? The man who never came to a baseball game. The man who was always too tired to look me in the eye. Why is he going to come to a baseball game? To visit you in the concession stand line? I did a little dance during the seventh inning stretch

and they would throw candy at me. Yeah, they just played baby elephant walk and it was all you could grab. I had to walk along the top of the home run wall and I never fell. Yeah, you had a target painted on your big fat gut. If they hit a home run there, everyone won a Kia Sedona.

I was still well angel in a league of their own, and fucking my dad never came to set. Yeah, your dad didn't like you. My mom loved me. Yeah, and made you earn it every step of the way. Yeah, I know. She was brutal. Oh, the joke I said last night about my mom.

My mom was at Kent State during the incident, you know, back in the day. And I said, I'll never forget what my mom said to the National Guard. They're on the lawn. That one crushed, of course. Yeah, she would have loved it. Oh, yeah.

She would have gone, Julie, Julie. Likely. Odds are good that she banged Drew Carey, right? Yeah. Wait, what? So that's cool. You didn't know about this shit? Yeah, my mom probably got fingered by Drew Carey. Bryce is right!

Fingered her, fingered her pounded. I don't know, it's Drew Carey. Probably did whatever he wanted to her. I don't know, it's Drew Carey. He probably did whatever he wanted to her. I know if I was in a fraternity house in 1971 in Akron, Ohio, I'd let him use me like a towel. Throw you on the floor. I told Drew Carey, I was like,

my mom always said that she made out with you at a frat party in Ohio, because you guys went to the same college. And he was like, I didn't fuck your mom, bud. And I was like, all right. All right, the face of Price is right right please don't ever swear while looking me in the eye yeah but i think he banged her that might be what killed her it was just a latent disease that was in her for 50 years. Drew Carey's festering nut. Jesus Christ.

I miss her so much. Do you two have any more shows tonight, tomorrow? No. Wait, just tonight, huh? I think I got a show afterwards. Nice. You think? We just ate a bunch of mushrooms before we did this.

You're going to tell all of our business? Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you guys were here. Oh, shit. I thought we were in the basement, huh? Yeah, yeah. I was having fun. You guys ate a bunch of mushrooms before this?

Like, right before this. Just before. Okay. Starting to worry. Son of a bitch. No, I haven't been funny because I'm bad. It's not like a drug story. Okay.

Danny, what's your excuse? I suck. No, you guys are two of the best guests we could get because they wouldn't let us have Bronger. He said, I don't want to be on any alt-right podcasts. I flapped some soie at him and it was all over. It's just really

funny to think about having some champagne on the lawn right in front of the Eiffel Tower and the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie. You're like, oh, soie. That cracked us up for like a week.

It's a gift that keeps on giving. Are we going to bring my dad to Europe? Yeah, we have to. Yeah, I know. Well, I wish you would have said yes, that'd be fun. But not we have to. It's required. What are we going to do in France?

Oh, I don't know. With my dad there? Whorehouse. I thought that was... Let's take my dad whoring. Yeah. I feel like... Do you feel like he wouldn't like that? I don't want to think about my dad ever blasting ever.

I feel like Dave would have a whole set of moves for it. Oh, he'd know the places to go. Do you think my dad's a whorehouse veteran, Becker? No, but I bet he knows his way around anything. My mom's body is still warm. Okay. Why? Why would she be warm for a guy?

She's under a heated blanket? She's still in the car. Dave T promised he was gonna keep it out. Yeah. Oh, no. Jesus Christ. Oh, no.

That's probably it. That was pretty good. Yeah, I think we went out on a button right there. Danny, tell him where to find you. Wait, let me. CC's Pizza Buffet. David, you can find Danny at any reptile emporium.

He'll be there singing to the crickets, teaching them new songs. It's important that they learn. He's haggling over snake prices. In Kentucky, you'd be run out of town. You'd try to charge $30 for a slightly larger than average boat. I'm not paying over a C note for a pie truck. This snake egg isn't malleable at all.

The shells are supposed to be soft. That's the tastiest snakes. It's true. Dude, remember that little guy that Noah has a picture of? Now you're bringing this up? You're trying to close it out and you're like, Noah's got

a little guy's picture. Noah has a photo in his house of a family. And it's hilarious. And it's hilarious and they're all dressed the same and one of them is like this little smushed fella that I assume to be eight years old. And it's hilarious, and they're all dressed the same, and one of them is like this little smushed fella that I assumed to be eight years old. And I was like, hey, what's this guy's name? Toad Smirtmore?

And he was like, that's my cousin. He died of Whistler's Syndrome. Whistler's Syndrome! That's one of those ones only there, right? Yeah. And I just kept calling him Toad. Look at this one. Toad Smirtmore. Toad's Brooklyn.

Too many toons. So, R.I.P. Toad. Before your mom, you got the R.I.P. I missed the toad. You should have seen Toad, man. You would have lost it. That's true. He looks like a thumb with glasses on.

He sleeps in a glove box. He's so small. I was like, oh, look at this cute little boy. And Noah's like, he was 27. And that's when I... His bones were backwards or something. Whistlers. Whistlers.

He's whistlers and in the graveyard. And like, Noah telling us that Toad died of a horrible degenerative disease only made it more fun to call him Toad. He spells it T-O-D-E. Noah said, if I told you once once, I toad you a thousand times. Don't make fun of that little sweet boy. He's sitting on God's lap right now. Toad the chode.

Toad the chode. I wish we had a photo of Toad. I don't know, you need to steal it. Yeah, you can probably look it up on like Freaks Monthly or whatever. He was so cute. Put it on the Patreon. He's the reason Noah does comedy. Yeah, because Toad did stand up first.

That's the reason Noah does comedy. Yeah, because Toad did stand up first. He toad too many jokes. He toad the line, that's for sure. Yeah, Noah was like, he did stand up first, and that's why I got into it. I was like, how was he? And he was like, very bad.

He bombed. Fucking toad, man. God, I wish he was here right now. Just eating spiders or whatever he did. God's perfect angel, Toad Spurtmore. Toad rule! Toad Spurtmore! What's his name?

Toad Spurtmore? He's been dead for a couple years. Ten years, I think. Ten years. Fuck. Thank God for Toad. Anyway. I think that's it. We can't beat Toad. Look up Danny and

David Borey online. You can hear David Borey shouting out Workaholics Marathons on Comedy Central. Old school. Guess what's up next? That's right, another episode of Workaholics. Pablo Francisco. That doesn't sound like you.

No, you're doing terrible. I'm David. It honestly sounds like Louis Armstrong. I'm David it honestly sounds like Louis Armstrong I'm David what no yep do it

hey I'm David do your signature say the name I'm David no alright yeah hey thank you guys all for coming thank you all thank you for say the name. I'm David. No. All right. Yeah, hey,

thank you guys all for coming. Thank you all. Thank you for filling up the room. We appreciate you all. Listen to our podcast, Shelby Behemoth. God, I wish we had... I'm going to text Noah

and see if we can get a picture of Toad sent over here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Bring it down. Oh, there's Noah back there. Look, it's Noah. Noah! Yeah! Toad! To picture of Toad set up. Oh, yeah, yeah. Bring it down. Oh, there's Noah back there. Look, it's Noah. Noah!

Yeah! Toad! Toad! Toad! Toad! Noah, come here. Toad! Toad!

Come here, Noah. Toad! Toad! Noah, get up here. Noah, come on. Noah, we told him all about your cousin. Can you tell us a little bit more about Toad before we go? Yeah.

Yeah. He died in an accident. He fell down the fire stairs. That's all. That's all I'm going to say. He's a very good guy. Oh my god! Shut up!

Shut up! He died. The whistle was made up? He fell down one step. He fell off a curb. He died due to an accident, all right? God sneezed when he was making him, and he wasn't built to last long.

Good God. Telen really did save this episode. Yes, he did. All right, well, we're done, right? Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. Enjoy the rest of the festival.

Mask up. Look how sweaty I got. This is crazy.