Chubby Behemoth - Melted Cheese And Cigars

Episode Date: October 12, 2024

SPONSORS: MyBookie: Use promo code CHUBBY to double your money on your 1st MyBookie deposit. Head to https://www.mybookie.website/CHUBBY   Factor: Support the show and get 50% off your 1st Factor box, plus 20% off your next month. Use code CHUBBY50 at https://www.factormeals.com/CHUBBY50   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys saw some ugly sushi. Sam reveals a fear, wanted to give loco advice to a child, and tells the truth about our set finally. Nathan draws a line in the sand on necromancy, never got to make his dad flinch, and tells Sam about Bob Marley and his world record attempt. Sam shares another special childhood recipe. A man wooed for 90 seconds. Some of us are traveling businessmen. Sam was given a very special Dr Pepper by a very special guy.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

We have a fun angle. Oh, hello. Hello. Hi. This is called Bedside Chat. I am a angel of mercy. Some people call me a black widow, but I go around and I interview people who are clearly near death. What? Nobody told me anything. For real? What do you mean?

What do you think about those cats were sleeping by your pillow. I I smell like tuna. That's right. I had a sushi lunch, two rolls for ten bucks. Did you see how ugly that sushi was in that restaurant? No, I didn't look. So the dude you went over to that. We took a peek.

I perused. You were busy on X Yonder. Wait, what is that? I put my phone in a bag. Yeah. So the guy was over there. He was sitting at the sushi counter. We're in Bridgeport, Connecticut, everyone. Bridgeport where America don't get it confused with new port or new town or no new guy. New fall. I've always said put the port right by the bridge. That had a huge bar of course. Yeah. These people are barely alive. Some of the things I said on stage tonight if it was in a room of people who didn't grow up eating paint chips, it would

have been so they would have been horrified crickets dude. We'll get to that anyway. Okay. The same thing you're OK. I'm dying. You're dying. I'm interviewing you. Moving on. What was life like in the 60s? It was a wild time, man. We were free and everybody knew it.

Nixon was scared of us, man. The cops didn't know what to do. They didn't know how to handle our freaky jive. Freaky jive. We were fucking and putting up peace signs, put a peace sign inside of somebody and then open it up. Oh, it's called the Panama Canal. Sucking and fucking getting sucked, getting fucked. Who's down there? I'll find out later. I got a concert to get a stamp on it send me a post I'm riding a donkey into town I'm like Jesus everybody was getting laid man get high oh so you know I lived a good life I'm ready to go get me out of here I don't have to do this podcast I just be dead now just put put an air

bubble into my fucking vein. God I fear that one. I'll tell Jerry. What do you mean? Aneurysm. Due to air bubble to anything. Oh, naturally. I thought you were worried because you know, you've met Emily's coworkers. You're like, I'm not letting any of these people put a needle in my arm. Dr. Bubbles. Old empty syringe McGillicuddy? Dr. Giggles? Yeah. My family dentist growing up,

that movie was based on a real guy, Dr. Giggles. Dr. Giggles. Horror movie you never saw? No. It came out in the 60s man, check it out. I don't watch horror movies. Why not, too scared? No, they don't scare me enough.

I get jump scares but I'm never like, oh my God, what if I did live in a world where mirrors were all hell? because you're always on your phone you know get invested in a film present you fell asleep on a plane I watched two movies yeah so what do you think about that what about the sushi so the sushi gray really bad it was gray alien d. Dude the salmon was like almost a burnt amber red and not in like the very oxygenated like fresh-caught salmon kind of way. Kind of in like they painted it with the with acrylics or something. Hmm.

Yeah but the guy was sitting up there and he's like I'm gonna have an order of noodles and I'm gonna get some sashimi later and the was sitting up there and he's like, I'm going to have an order of noodles and I'm going to get some sashimi later. And the lady just stood there and stared at him and she was like, later? And he was like, that's right. And she was like, okay. And then she storms away. She was Italian.

Okay. She storms away. And then the guy gets his noodles and he does not order any sashimi because that fish was, it looked like wax statues, like Play-Doh I wanted some no I was gonna tell you can't have any good call yeah instead you got what you got yeah but you got the vegetable version I got the pork and you did the right thing because I wanted more vegetables like where am I Springfield, Ohio? I feel like you's a Haitian place That was Chinese

Joke's on me. I figured I figured I'd get more veggies than you but I think you got we got the same amount and then you got pork on top Yeah, but the pork was Placental it was not it was a fetal. It was a fetal pig. Some kids dissected it earlier that day. Bio bio bio honors. You know what I think? If I was an immigrant child who grew up in their family's ethnic restaurant, I would try and sell that book. I came if I was high when we went to check out because their daughters at the Chinese restaurant in Bridgeport got out of school and came in and the one of the older girl who was probably 12 was at the table or I mean the checkout desk. I almost

told her hey when you get older you should write a book about this experience. That's how insane I am. Isn't that loco? Because I also thought I self mythologized in that moment where I was like, if I tell her this is going to stick with her for her entire life, she's going to think back to that strange bulbous man who was a mirror of the other bulbous man, but one of them had pork. One of them had pork and money. Yeah. The other had nothing. The other came from nothing. Still had nothing. Much like my parents. Stayed in the dirt. Yes. Because the night before when I was in La Junta me and Emily went to the Chinese restaurant there and they also have a

child who works there. Mm-hmm. And I wanted to be like this is such an interesting experience. Cause it's universal to a such as, it's to a minority of people, but every Chinese restaurant you go into, you see the little girl, she's there. She has her door, the Explorer backpack, you know, she's learning calculus.

She's six years old. Yeah. She's in, she's a junior in high school. Right. Yeah. Cause she skipped several grades. Yeah, she's in she's a junior in high school. Right. Yeah. Because she skipped several grades. Yeah. That's one of those things that I would say to a child. And you would rip on me mercilessly for years because it is like, hey, like, keep this in mind. Yeah. You could probably tell some cool stories and then yeah for whatever reason

It's also a weird thing to say to someone doesn't mean it's bad. But yeah, you would mock me you'd call everyone, you know Get in the group chat. Guess what London I would get a skywriter. I Would write it over the Macy's Day parade Lund told child to remember Also, wouldn't it be a lot of like we heard whatever customer come in and be like I need some more soy sauce come on like it's just people bitching. Right I know but like it's just so interesting to me that that experience is universal to people who come from other countries and then they raise their kids and probably like some of them live in the back of

the restaurant. Yeah. And I think those kids are probably like, wow, no one at school is like me. You know, no one else has to deal with this because they're first, first generation. That's what their kids of immigrants are first generation. Yes. They're like, wow, no one's going to get this. But it's like, no, there's millions of children all over America who are living the same experience. Oh, right. But they're the only one in town or The only one in town. Or one of the only families in the area that has the Chinese place.

Maybe I will tell that story. Maybe I'll go full in on Nicole and say that my parents were Chinese and they raised me in a restaurant. And I, you know, I had duck sauce in my bottle, that kind of thing. That kind of backfired last night because I was, you know, we were trying to find something to watch. I wanted to watch

things that I can't watch with Megan which is mostly sports. Right. Or it's that's really it but you'd seen all the Netflix sports stuff. Of course I'm not some fucking loser like you who can't watch sports with his wife. Your wife is busy killing the children of a Chinese restaurant. Finning the herd, she says. They're not gonna be a majority for long, she says. Culling. This is good podcasting posture.

We've never done this. Yeah, I was gonna join you, but I don't know if my shit is long enough. Well, the reason we're doing this angle, by the way, people who will inevitably complain is because there's a cord that's plugged in so my phone can charge. But anyway.

Dude, all I can say is we're trying our goddamn best. And if we weren't constantly gone, and we lived in the same place, there's so many strikes against us. Yeah, we come from nothing How are we supposed to we're bound in blood? We're dirt people and and so well So the other thing is like people know that the people are listening the patreon has grown. It's not so much Just investing in stuff. It's just like we're always on the go fucked as to how to like navigate this

I think we should I think we should cut the bullshit and tell them the truth. And I know we talked about this at lunch and you were against it. Everyone says, why do you always podcast in hotel beds? This is a set, you fucking idiots. We travel with this thing. We have to have a fucking cargo container, meet a city to city, because this is our thing. We're the bed podcast. Everyone needs hook everyone needs a brand do the research

go look back this is our fucking set we built this in a high school gymnasium before the show tonight I don't know why you're telling them any of this some people probably were starting to figure it out but they don't want to know you we just told the story of looking up how a trick was done by a magician. You tell that story all the time to show how stupid I was. Probably too much.

No, no, that's the first time. No, no, no. God, and it cut you to the quick. Yeah, it hurts me because you're like, Sam looks it up and it reminds me of when I looked up the magic trick the first time we went to Paris and it ruined the magic trick.

And now I think about that sometimes when I'm like, I don't know, am I fucking blowing it all the time? No, I'm doing weird Bamfield's always stretching. So I'm like doing it too. That's a stretch. Yeah, that's a stretch. I'm always like, this is one of those things I think about when I'm like, am I actually a good person? No, because you asked Arno how to do the magic trick. He said, don't look it up. And then I looked it up and ruined it for everyone else. That's it's fine.

I wasn't a big deal at all. I think you think that's indicative of you like failing. No, no. You're a good guy being like a leader who does whatever he wants and he doesn't listen to people. And like that's that's an example of me like spearheading a movement that no one wanted to get behind. You and Sharpie both wanted to know. I know, but he's a little idiot.

He still didn't get it. He's a little dung brain dipshit. What did I call you earlier? Butt wipe. We gotta bring back butt wipe. I don't remember hearing that. Yeah, I called you butt wipe. That might've remember hearing that. Yeah, called you butt wipe. That might have been on stage.

No, that was like last night or today on our planes, trains, and automobiles day. I don't know, man. Yeah, we've done a lot of traveling. Too much. The last couple days has been a lot of travel, which everybody hates to hear about. So shut up.

It's kind of a thing we have to do. No, but what else can we talk about? I got an idea What? How long After Anna Nicole died, but you still have sex with her body. Oh We've already done that We never talked about how long You I think you had something okay never mind then I'm not I would not have sex with her

if she were dead. What if you weren't sure I would check. Well what if because it's Anna Nicole you know what if you come home you're married and I guess you have a free use agreement to make this hall pass only for dead people. If I die you can bang me it's in the will. No this isn't worth exploring. We've already done it. What does you have? I have nothing. Were you going to say you would bang her now today? No no I wouldn't bang her now. Eight years after her death. I started to say that we decided to put that on because she's heard the documentary on Netflix because she's hot Let's go down memory lane. She was a guest jeans model but yeah a lot of darkness a lot of a lot of addiction and

Weird here she banged a guy after he died I mean he was legally dead for about the last three years of their relationship I mean his heart was brooding but the brain was not connected to the stem anymore. They played all those voicemails where it just is obvious that she like was not, she was so too busy to like return his calls or whatever. She's fucked up on seven different pills that are prescribed by seven different doctors to seven different people. And he's calling and being like, Where's my baby? Where's my pristine light?

I'd love for me, a a husband to be able to talk to His wife could write perfect package. Call me kept calling her perfect package Which is not how you describe a woman be that poor son of a bitch is like it's his one call He gets a day from his nursing home time to call my wife. Everyone's like, you don't got a fucking wife, dude. All the nurses are like, you ain't got to know wife. Mine shows a shows everybody the playboy she's in. And they're like, all right, do we do we wheel him out of here now and sure push him down the stairs or do we keep him alive my honey bunny just one playmate of the year all right finish your soup not just the broth get some of the vegetables too well now yeah

he was so rich he didn't have to be in a home he had I'm sure he had so many staff that were just like what the fuck they all had a staff and they hit him whenever he brought up his wife that's the ultimate my girlfriend lives in Canada. Here's an old ugly fucking crypt keeper troll, man Clearly insane billionaire. No one's told you know your whole life like my planes made of wood. All right sure is my girlfriend Santa Nicole Smith Yeah, and I'm the fucking pope dipshit. Here comes the butt wipe. He's just he's a baby.

He's back to being a baby. My girlfriend's got a shirt. My wife's got a show on E. It's called the Anna Nicole show. I've never been in it. He was long gone by then. Some Haitian lady just smearing it around. All right. Just rubbing it all over. That would suck. You're old and some lady just does a bad job wiping.

She's on her phone just blind wiping you. Okay. What month was she in? I know Hugh Hefner. Okay. So I thought I thought you were going to turn it off at any point in the 15 minutes or so that I first tried to go to bed, but you watched the whole thing. We know what I did last night too.

I'm just going to say this on the pod. There was a young comedian who runs, I think, an illicit text message service. What? Where he has a bunch of phone numbers for different markets. Yeah. And he'd hit me up and be like, hey, I see you're going to Bridgeport. Do you want me to hit my Bridgeport text message tree? Sure. Send him like a hundred bucks or whatever.

He texts a bunch of people. So he hit me up a while ago and was like, hey do you want me to help you in Atlanta, whatever it was. And I was like sure and then I was like, hey how much for the whole list? And he's like just for Atlanta? And I was like no, for your entire database. And then I go on stage. And then I get back and there's, hey, I'll sell it all to you for $1,000. Ten minutes later, hey, that's crazy. How about $700? 20 minutes later, hey man, I know that's a lot of money. And it's just a file on my computer.

How about $500? Fifteen minutes later, hey man, I really need the money. How about 300? Whoops, I would probably would have given him a thousand bucks because of how comprehensive the list is But I didn't know how big the list was so I buy the list last night. You're asleep I'm definitely not whacking off to the Anna Nicole Smith Nicole spiraling. Yeah whacking off to the Anna Nicole Smith documentary. Anna Nicole spiraling. Yeah.

Yeah, nothing about her gaining a bunch of weight and then losing it with speed and then burying her son makes me so hard that I almost pass out. Yeah, nothing about that turns me on. Do we have to turn that on? No, because these mics don't pick that up. Pat says stuff and we believe him. Yeah.

Pat says, can you put more breading on my chicken strips? I can taste the chicken too much. Chicken tastes like vegetable. Hey, my mom says that I could have chicken tender soup. What's that? Pat? Well, she usually just microwaves some honey mustard in a bowl and then floats the tendies in it and then she feeds it to me my wrist hurt from editing can you melt some cheese on the soup no just melt it and serve it to me like david borey and i used to do in high school cups of melted cheese cups of melted cheese,

melted cheese slices. No, we would like cube up cheese like mozzarella, like the cube, the brick, the brick, and we'd melt it in cups. And then we like knew exactly how much time it was where the cheese was soft enough that it wouldn't separate. Like it wouldn't become too oily. And that's when David would put a spoon in and then just twirl it around. And then we would have melted cheese, like lollipops. And then we would smoke cigars. Is our off hour.

We would smoke cigars inside of my parents' house and talk about why we didn't have girlfriends. And then we would go back to school, reeking of melted cheese and cigars. That was we had the same off hour for the last two years. We were in school. Yeah, we would eat melted cheese and smoke like backwards indoors and then go back. Why didn't your parents kill you? I don't know. We used to smoke cigs in that fucking house all the time and cigars and weed.

And it was just like I was like 15 years old smoking cigarettes in my parents very nice not the house I grew up in and when they built after the barn burnt down. Yeah, they weren't over there all the time. Well, no, but I mean I was part of it. I'm saying that was part of it is that they left you to your devices. So you didn't fucking shoot him up. Yeah, I guess they really they were terrified.

They were scared. I was huge. Yeah, I guess they really they were terrified. They were scared. I was huge. Yeah, I was fucking huge. I was jacked. I was bulletproof. I was. Do when I would wrestle and get down to like two fifty three. I got to cut. Dude, it's nuts. I was such a honk. I'm thinking of you when you're alignment in football and you are in normal.

Three twenty six cut down to two 275 in like six weeks. It's nuts, the cut, I was, ooh yeah. You like the control? No, I hated it. My mom would feed me mandarin oranges and egg whites and speed, my mom would get me diuretics. You were Anna Nicole. I pretty much was Anna Nicole.

That was one of the only things I heard from the dark period was Anna Nicole being all fucked up and like unable to move because she was All sped up with no food in her and her assistant's like you have to have some water and she now What do you mean? No her mouth was literally crusted with dried white She was looking like Jay Howard Marshall, it's like like she only wanted to look like her dead husband. Yeah. Well, then my mom would football and my mom, who's like five four, you know, 100 pounds, would point out there just like Anna Nicole's husband and be like, that's my boy.

And they'd be like, all right, we got to get you out of here. She doesn't even need the wheelchair. They just put her in her. Move her around. Yeah, that that's that's my son. Oh yeah, that guy came out of you for sure. Old 75 out there with the neck roll. You mean back breaking Sammy Bones? My jersey says Bones.

Cause I can do whatever I want. Yeah, cause yeah, everybody was scared. You had the whole town on your back. Yeah, we'd smoke cigs in there dude. Constantly. It's because it was separate from where your parents spent their time. I guess.

I mean, I don't know. I should ask my dad. I think it's probably because he was smoking cigs in there, too. Oh. And it was a real Spider-Man meme. Yeah, he couldn't say shit. Yeah.

All right. And I also would have fucking ripped him in half like a wishbone. Make him flinch. Make your dad flinch. No, that's fucking power What I never never got to make my dad flinch. Well, yeah, you should talk to him more at the end when he was weak I couldn't have made him flinch over the phone. No what poppin wouldn't have been worth it How about this take a helicopter after not talking to your dad for like 10 years you show up in a helicopter to his bad job You get out you fucking walk over to him

You give him one of these he flinches and you're like mission accomplished And he just peel off a bunch of hundred dollar bills He's crying Making it right on your dad back in the chopper Good that's pretty good way to win. Yeah. Oh Good, it's eight degrees in here again. Are you cold? I'm cold! I had it on 68.

Well guess what, it's like 32 outside. That's not true. It's going to get too hot. Well, we only have an hour and 3 minutes. How do we lose time? We haven't said anything good, so it hasn't counted. We shouldn't have gotten the funny track. We had the pod track, but now this thing tracks how many LPMs we're getting. I'll sit up for this.

It was funny to hear you out there because you were all over the place and I was like, what the hell is this? And it's because you've done, you went on festival mode. Yeah, three festivals in a row. You've had to do seven to 10. And then tonight you were, yeah, you were all over the place. Yeah, and I mean, I was really excited to be up there. And it was going well, I was having a blast.

I didn't know how high the ceilings were in that fucking club until I got on stage. And it's just an endless vault, like the heavens above. Nobody told us. I didn't know how high the ceilings were in that fucking club until I got on stage. Yeah. And it's just an endless vault like the heavens above. Nobody told us. No one told me that it's five stories. It's marble walls besides the fake brick wall backdrop. I mean, anyway, there was a guy tonight.

Oh yeah. what the f- man maybe we we're dead and the stress factory is limbo. You think the jokes on us? I mean it's crazy in there. It is mental. The whole crew is very effeminate gay black men. No captain of the ship everybody just kind of come at like island ofis fits toys everybody smoking cigars playing pool turning into donkeys melting cheese Yeah, I didn't realize that both the men we talked to tonight couldn't have been gay or black men Sure legalize it. Yeah, I mean it's cool. I never get I never get to experience that part of the culture. Mm-hmm But yeah, I've been doing stand-up

for almost 20 years And I've never had anyone removed from a show before I never said get them out of here Right, right, right Cuz you can I can never instigated I pride myself asked the staff to someone. Yeah, because I feel like I can navigate, I can make anyone like me. It's totally normal. Dominate them, make them flinch. Yeah, yeah. Get in the helicopter, go to the fucking Minah Key. I always bash Minah Key and it's just because where there's this one kid named Aaron Richter worked when I grew up and I always made fun of him for being a Minikey head. Minikey is a great place to work. It is. I'm not into it. People have been like, what are you having against Minikey? People... okay. Anyway. That's nuts. Anyway, there's a guy, second row, to the left.

By himself, red flag. By by himself four available chairs he's in one of them three empty which I'm guessing means that he got so fucked up before the show those friends were like Jerry we're not going with you you're wasted and he was like it's my fucking rental car I'm the only one who's allowed to drive it by law they say didn't say anything about being drunk. So he's in there all boondock saints. I figured he showed up alone and they'd just put him wherever they put him. I don't know, but they put him right in the middle. And this motherfucker, when I get out there, is full on me at Weezer.

Oh yeah, I love you. The superfly. Yeah, yeah. Front facing superfly. Uh. Hello. Yeah yeah front-facing superfly. Yeah yeah he's like he's fucking Nakuna Matata. His hands just in the air like this head down. Oh yeah and Alaina and I had not had to deal with him hardly at all He said a couple things was like oh, yeah He's excited but like not enough for me to say anything to you or whatever like it was just like, huh? He's by himself. That's not great, but Hopefully he chills and then yeah, the wooing did not happen. I don't think until you got out there No, he was the groove was in the heart for him.

And so I you know two minutes in he's willing he's talking. I say you know oh yeah this guy's having fun. All right man. Yeah glad you're here. That keeps happening throughout. Oh yeah. And I do and I would just he's he's literally just out of nowhere. He's literally just out of nowhere. Woo! Like in the middle of- Loud, yeah. Loud.

Because after the show, the guy that mocked him was so loud and I was so annoyed. And then I was like, eww. He heard that a lot more than I just had to. He heard it for, I did like an hour 10 tonight too. Which is insane. You got all your shit in. After telling the guy, hey I never go long,

I'll only do 50. I'm not a guy that goes long. 52 an hour. Yeah. I said to Elena, is he gonna do an hour 25? What is he TJ Miller? Well the people were having fun. It wasn't like I was masturbatory. No you were keeping them. It was like you had a gun on the crowd. I did. I did the thing. I did the gun on the crowd. Pointed it in a guy's head. Whoa. And I went... no. Whoa. So you took my thing. Said who am I? You don't do it on stage. I was gonna. You invented gun to the crotch, gun in the mouth.

Yeah. Gun stuff. I just did it. Bentonville. On stage? No No green room. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun to have a gun So this guy's wooing going crazy and Then you know, I'd be freaking out. Yeah this guy Wow. Yeah, I get you know I'm doing on the lines that you do in that instant a little like it's supposed to be like a go talk to him that you do in that instance. Shhh, a little, like it's supposed to be like a go talk to him, to the staff. Well yeah.

Like showing frustration in a slightly fun way. Well also, whenever he does do an insane woo, I just kind of look at him and laugh. Yeah. Like, all right. And then turn back to this side and do the, you know. What the fuck? And then back to the,

really pulling back the curtain on this episode kind of my stagecraft the recipe for the pudding after a while probably probably 30 minutes into it it's just milk and pudding he just goes for like maybe 90 seconds I know that sounds really long yeah Yeah. But if it was less than a minute, I owe you 20 bucks because it was at least 65, 70 seconds. And after he woos forever and I make my funny faces and we're all laughing, I hey staff don't do anything it'd be crazy if someone kicked this guy out but why would you guys do anything right assuming that then the staff will be like okay right maybe we should do our jobs here. That's definitely

no, they're all voguing in the back. They're all serving in the back serving con. They're all getting their brat summer wrap up. Yeah. On'll all be dazzling their do-rex in the back. So after me saying... Well, so yeah, so it's also funny where like, there's so many... There's so many comics that do want to fuck with somebody. Yeah. Because, and so they take whatever the person says and use it and make it fun. And then maybe they have enough and they have the person kicked out.

But that is something that wooing for over a minute is something that any, anybody that's worked in a comedy, hasn't even worked in a comedy club. Right. Anybody who was asked, when do you kick this person out? It's then for sure. When they hit 10 seconds of a sustained, woo, both hands in the air. Double mahalo.

Literally, dude. Woo. We're gonna get. Fucking roller coaster.'re going to get kicked out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, tell it to the judge. Eat a walking bitch. We think we're in here banging and then giggling and then wooing. That's what people think.

Everybody thinks these hotel rooms are for sex. Some of us are professionals. Right, some of us are traveling businessmen. Yeah, we just sell little stories and anecdotes and impressions. Sometimes the impressions are worth more than other times. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. Sometimes you don't dial them in. Sometimes you don't get them like you want to get them.

Oh, so he fucking woos. I want you to do your impression though. Can we do your impression of, you said that former President Trump is speaking at a place you used to work. What? Remember in Denver? Oh yeah.

Yeah. He's speaking at the Gaylord. Gaylord at the Rockies. Yeah, the's speaking at the Gaylord. Gaylord at the Rockies. Yeah, the hotel. Yep. Gaylord. I didn't want to be at Gaylord. I was thinking maybe I'd be at the straight guy. The straight master.

Biden should have been talking here. He's the Gaylord. He's a little gay. It's okay. We all know it. No one cares. It's not a big deal. But we know he's gay. He's dead little gay, it's okay, we all know it, no one cares, it's not a big deal. But we know he's gay. He's dead and he's gay. Bangs his son.

Son bangs him, I don't know, it's none of my business, we all know it's good, it's fine. But yeah, finish the saga of this dude. Head kick Harry. I mean, flat cap, you know. Was is it called? Jeff cap? An Andy cap? I'm not sure. There's so many names for those little hats. It's your classic Irish hat. The button and the middle on top and then the little cap. Maybe a tad... no.

Kind of sloped, slanted sloper. Okay, yeah. Um, so anyway... After I do that, he, this guy moves from the table right next to him and goes and sits in the seat next to him. I say, oh yeah, they called him a professional, what are you, his nurse, you know, blah, blah, blah.

And the guy, I hear him say to the dude who's been wooing, if you make another fucking noise, I will drag you out of here. And I hear him say to the dude who's been wooing if you make another fucking noise I will drag you out of here and I hear it It's like me threatening to show someone down the stairs Yes, it's like someone is advocating for me. Someone has my back in this moment. Yeah And I was like, oh, thanks. You're taking care of it And then the guy who sits next to him pulls out a fake gun and holds it to his head. To the war to the war's head.

Whoa. Forgot about that. That's great. It was awesome. Yeah. He did the fact of doing the fake gun. Then he did the fake gun. Yeah. Everyone loved it. Also. So he was he was kept under control. So after that, after 45, maybe 50 minutes of intermittent wooing. Maybe 50. Maybe 50. People were saying it was 50. He wooed for 12 minutes. He couldn't quit wooing. It was his thing. He loved it. He was good at it. He couldn't quit. Two hands went up, the woos came out. Don't keep them, let the woos out.

Wu-Tang Clan, they're nothing to fuck with. I'm doing my Jackie Mason. And another fun thing that happened tonight, I was talking about how I don't smoke anymore, and a guy in the front row had a pack of Marlboro Reds, and I was like, I see those, and I grabbed them, and I just threw them, of course. And then, that pack of cigarettes, I see those and I grabbed him and I just threw him of course and then

That that pack of cigarettes I see where it is in the room someone's holding it out of nowhere another pack of marvara Ritz comes flying on the stage It was chaos tonight man I was a pack I know where that pack is it's not the same pack that pack comes back up I say thank you. I give it back to the guy and then I see him open it It's not the right amount of cigarettes comes back up I say thank you I give it back to the guy and then I see him open it it's not the right amount of cigarettes and he's kind of pissed there's less six in his pack it was fucking crazy tonight this was Thursday yeah well yeah I've I wish I could have helped at all but you were busy well after you know I had

a good set it was good I was glad you were in there I think for the end. Yeah, you're in the back. So I knew that you knew that things were going smoothly Yeah, so it's kind of like oh, you know catch up with uh, bammer and so we Started blabbing in the green room One hand clapping you never done that before I didn't know I could That's really good I can't do the actual... One hand clapping.

I wish. Never leave the house. Now this is podcasting. This is what they pay for. But yeah, so we missed all of that. Like I wish I would have heard that dude woo for over a minute. Oh yeah. Well I have it on tape.

I would have killed the guy. What's the thing though is like it was never at a point where I was like this isn't going well. This isn't this isn't not fun. But that's not like well once I let the crowd know that like no one we were alone in there and that God had turned his back on us. I think they all understood that it was like us against him it was nice to have a common villain really he brought us together with our we hated one man they would have been great without him ruining it for some people

more than others that's too bad I yeah I wish uh I wish I would have noted that so that I could have at least because the least I would have done has been like what the fuck and gone in there heard and then like told somebody like you got to get him out of here. Yeah, come on. What the hell? But yeah, I had no idea. I just once Elena and I like, good bonding, no clocked in with you, checked in, like listened. I was like, oh, he's doing a bunch of riffing so I don't know what he's gonna get off on or whatever. I was getting off on the riffing. You're getting off.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're a full T each. Yeah. I'm not full T. TJ doesn't leave any meat on the bone. No, no, no, he keeps jumping.

He rings out the bar rag until it's bone dry. He leeches the calcium out. So, uh, yeah, it is funny that you did more than an hour. Yeah, I'd never do that. You say 50 to an hour, you mean it. But yeah, when you went into what you've been closing with, your wife's doctor stuff, I was like, huh, still going to do all that stuff. Interesting. I was like, huh, still gonna do all that stuff. Interesting. Well, I was literally trying to remember how to do it. Yeah. So that's why I did it. Yeah, you're a fucking Fest guy. Yeah, Fest darling.

Which is such a, just your neck gets tired from all the pivoting. I mean, one day at Skank Fest, I did three podcasts along with like three sets. Yeah. Yeah. Shit. They call it the Funky Frankenstein. three podcasts along with like three sets. They call it the Funky Frankenstein. Just reeling. Sweeping the nation.

Who am I? Wait, when am I? And then I had to do a pod with Becker in the hotel room where I just yelled at him for 50 minutes and then laughed for 10. So. You haven't checked that one out yet. You gotta, you love it.

Saving it for later. You'd love me being mean to Becker. I'm saving it for later. Save it. When I need it. I will. Till it's too late. I'm flying all the time. Fuck, it's bad.

It was never really that good. A couple times it was good. I can't believe you don't do that bit. You're insane. Cause a couple times it was good, it doesn't mean I should do it that bit. You're insane. Because a couple times it was good, it doesn't mean I should do it all the time. Doesn't matter. What you're saying is hilarious.

No. It's a great bit. Let me have it. No, you've got enough. I don't have anything. You should be doing more than an hour and 10 minutes. Going for the world record like Bob Marley. Yeah.

He collapses. After two days on stage, stage. Where's my wife? It's like, dude, you didn't have to do any of this. Just do 55. Comedian Bob Marley did two days? He definitely was one of the people trying to break the record years ago. What? Yeah. When, who was it? Chappelle and like Dane Cook, I think,

were going back and forth in LA doing more time than the other, like every few days or whatever. And then Bob Marley around that, this was probably like 10 years ago. Bob Marley like in, where's he from? Rhode Island? No, he's from Maine.

Maine. Yeah, I think at his like home club or whatever he did like two days straight or something. Oh my god rotating audience? Yeah pretty yeah every 30 seconds there was a new audience it was crazy. They just bring someone in with a more ridiculous hat so he can do crowd work? Yeah, there's definitely a plan. In each crowd. God. That sounds so bad to me. Well, I mean, that with Bob, it was like a specific world,

Guinness World Record or whatever. I think it was the Molson Ice World Record. Ying Ling. What do they drink up there? Up there? Up here. We're up here. Oh yeah, we are up here. Is this your first time in Connecticut?

Yeah, another one off the old list of 50. And you saw all three big cities. Danbury. Danbury, Waterbury, Berryberry. Watertown. Marionbury. Waterville. It's all very basic. Danbury Danbury waterberry Berry Berry Watertown Marion Berry Waterville that's all very basic waterheads Waterhole town stop. That's right horse city

Trainburg Rocktown Rockburg Danton Road Mountain Welcome to Road Mountain. We've got roads surrounding, you guessed it, that mountain up there. It's not really a mountain. It's more of a hill in most parts of the country, but here we call it a mountain. It technically was a mountain for four seconds. It's 1800 feet. In 1800 it was a mountain. We went up there and put a tumbleweed on top of it and it was a mountain until the tumbleweed blew away. Welcome to Cole City.

Welcome. As you can guess, we've had a tough time pivoting away from Cole. We almost tried to call ourselves Circuit City. That would have been embarrassing. We've been trying to get Cole Beasley to move here so we could change the name and give it to him, but no, no. He's on a practice squad somewhere, probably. You think so?

No. Should this be a free one? No, he's gone. We have to do an ad if it's a free one. Let's do an ad. You have to pull it up. I'll do an ad for me. Hey, Helium, Philadelphia, come on out and see me.

The first weekend of November. Lund will be there. Me too. Hey, Savannah, Georgia. There's like 20 tickets left for that show on October 24th. And then Charleston, South Carolina. I know it says North Carolina on my website. The girl who runs my website lives inside of a bong. She hasn't been. She hasn't been as many states as you know. She's also she's also probably right now trying to figure out

how to fucking wring the THC out of her hair. Melissa, you're high. You're making me look a fool out here. It's South Carolina. But yeah, Charleston, they added a late show Saturday, San Diego coming up. Lots of good stuff. SamTalent.com. You know what else is good? MyBookie.

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It all sounded pretty good. It was pretty good, but then you said bedding. And I started thinking about Bed Bath & Beyond and Trump. That's not my fault. Selling duvet covers for my bookie. My bookie has to pivot. Yeah, my brain's everywhere right now. You need to go to bed. Well, how about this? If you would have taken my parlays tonight...

Don't want to hear them. You would have had a bunch of extra money. But you thought you were better than the bookie bastard beater, Sam Talent. Bones Talent? That's you. Sammy Bones talent? That's you. Sammy Bones? Well, yeah, the weekly risk-free boost. Even if you blow it like I did, it's fine. My bookie will refund your wager if your bet doesn't hit. Now, that's pretty cool. I mean, where else in life do you get no consequences

for your bad instincts? You've got to give it a try. You got to get in there. I wish that I had no consequences for my bad instincts. Yeah, you're gonna lose everything I don't want to I'm a good guy. I do good stuff All I know is my bookies the easiest way to dip a toe into the betting world this football season They're giving away money out there man. It's fun. It's easy Sometimes you get your money back. You bet big you win. It it's great. And also, remember with my bookie, you literally can't lose.

That's up for debate. No, no, I read this. I read the small print. I did. I actually sent it to my lawyer, Mark Toll, and he looked at it. Yeah, you can't lose. Now Mark, you know, he's had a laudanum addiction for years now. Yeah, they call him the mad Hatter of Elbert County.

But from what I can understand, my bookie... I think it's possible you can lose, but you're having... They're gonna take the money out of your account. You're having so much fun, it's like you won anyway. It's like you won the war. Take it from me, a man who's lost thousands of dollars gambling, even when you lose the money, you don't really lose because you were playing the game. Can't win if you don't play. Yeah, yeah. Get some skin in the

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Yeah, yeah. Who will get divorced first, me or you? Interesting. Probably you. I don't think we're gonna get divorced. We're pretty happy. You and, uh, you and What's-Her-Name fight a lot. Me and Dr. T. never fight.

That's bad, too. No, we fight. We bicker. Yeah, it's really annoying. I'm kidding. It's cute. I mean, it's because my wife and I talk. Megan and I... Whoa, did you see this? Me and Emily don't see each other. That's our thing.

Mm-hmm. It's tough. I know. I hope neither of us get divorced. But you know, if we do, I know how I'm gonna go about eating my meals. How? Brother... Factor. Factor's back? Factor's back, baby. Factor! It's bigger than ever.

It's taking over. It's Disco on acid is what it is. Factor? They don't listen to these things. No. Oh my God. All they know is that we're getting some sad fuck to get factor now and then and then they're not sad anymore because that's how good

fact or is it practice it'll practically bring her back you don't always have time to make a fancy soup from scratch lucky for your dumb ass there's factor these fresh never frozen meals come right to your door. All you do is throw them in the microwave or on the skillet for two minutes and dinner is ready to go. I'm going to guess that a lot of our listeners have plenty of time to make plenty of soups. You want it to take a while. You don't want it to take two

seconds. No but some people are busy like us. They're professionals. They know that hotel rooms are for a good night's sleep. It's not always for sucking and fucking. Yeah, it's not for just going in, putting your keys in the pumpkin and having a scary sexual time. Sometimes, yeah, you want it to last a little longer,

but sometimes you're in a hurry. And so it's nice to have Factor ready for you. Factor's got your back. Sometimes when you gotta rush to the hospital, you have to go kill some guy. Yeah. When you have to represent Singapore versus Hong Kong, you don't have time to make your own brisket. All of their meals are dietitian approved. Oh, that's what you need. You're going to get kidney safe meals for the rest of the weekend. I'm not. I mean, I had a patty melt.

I saw that. All of bread. Now is right. It was great. It's right. I don't like bread too dry for me. Oh, it was wet and it was nasty. So, you know, you're getting the getting the nutrition you need, along with the fall flavors you love. Are you tired of slurping slime slug?

Well if so, Factor makes plop for your ass. But eat it with your top hole, even though they smell the same. Even though technically it's one ecosystem. Try to put it in your mouth first. You're just a series of fancy tubes. All right. So don't get your tubes tied and eat some fucking factor. It comes in a jug with two straws, one for you, one for the devil. Slurp your slime worm factor.

Factor will kill whoever it wants. Factor is ready to eradicate the presidency. Factor twenty ready to eradicate the presidency. Factor 2028. There's 35 meal options to choose from each week. 35. Yeah, it's too many. And menu plans like. That's as many meals as you have a week. You know. It's five a day. It's perfect. One of each please. I'll have the menu. Let me do a let me do a one and done like you want to pick one type of meal for all 35. No no no you go shut the fuck up. No you said there's 35 meals right. Well send me 35 meals a week for the rest of time. I'm meal prepping right now. I'm prepping for my next meal. You have to go in at all times. You have your factor meal

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I'll say it. If you're allergic to peanuts, don't get the peanut-friendly options. Because you think that it would be no peanuts, but no, it's really friendly for peanut lovers. So it's just chock full of peanuts. It's crazy. So you've decided to say that one of the sponsors you can't lose on a gambling app and then the other one get the peanut friendly option it'll kill you. Yeah it'll kill you. If you're allergic to peanuts. If you're not just like a peanut pal then you you're gonna love it. But speaking of pals, I went to the, uh, we've been living in La

Hunter the last two weeks. My wife couldn't get enough. Yeah. God. And, um, sweet taste. Millhouse. There's a bunch of fresh farm stands down there. Yeah.

You pointed out, you went to each and every one of them. Well, I used to go to one that was near Rocky Ford but that one literally got in trouble for having slaves. So Emmy said no more going yeah they live like they got like a Rico fed indictment for human slavery. Trafficking undocumented people and then giving them nothing as opposed to peanuts. I don't know you seem like you know a lot about it and you live down there. I'm curious what them nothing as opposed to peanuts. I don't know. You seem like you know a lot about it and you live down there. I'm curious what you mean as opposed to like, you know, whipping someone in chains.

I'm guessing it's some type of we've got your visa. Oops, got your visa. Right, that's shadow slavery, what you just described. Think this is undocumented people without birth certificates coming in. Exploitation, a little traffic-o. Or maybe it's just kind of- The only traffic in Lanta is human. Yes.oitation, a little traffic-o. Or maybe it's just... The only traffic in Lanta is human.

Yes. There's not a lot of stoplights. There we go. Not a lot of working vehicles. It could be good old-fashioned, waiting on the water, you know? It could be the spiritual type. But I don't think it is.

I think it's just like people who were born in boxes being shipped over here to pick cantaloupes. They're the only place that has cantaloupes. But Chia people. And they have the best cantaloupes. Yeah, honeydew you said. Honeydew and cantaloupes both. But I haven't gone there

and had a secret cantaloupe this week. Because you're not allowed. I haven't eaten a cantaloupe off the hood of my cars in Swink, Colorado, because that's between. Enough time to air out the ride. I didn't break a cantaloupe on the roof of my car and eat out the middle of it like some kind of badger figuring out trash cans.

No, no. Badgering. RIP. So I don't go to that one. I went to the other one. I went to Grady's Fruit Stand. And I go in, I walk in and I grab all my veggies. And then the guy looks up from his phone and he goes,

you know, he's like, kill Tony, man. You know, so he knows me from Kill Tony. And, you know, and he's, what are you doing here? My wife's working at the hospital. Yeah, we lived here for six months. I've never seen you, man. Such a small town, blah, blah, blah. I pay. Hey, thanks, man. He says, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you want a Dr. Pepper? And I'm like, yeah, sounds good,

man. He's like, all right. He leaves his post. You think he's going to reach down into the cooler, maybe go around back. He's got to... Ice chest out back, maybe. Maybe in the flatbed of his truck. Maybe there's you know, no He leaves and he's gone for four minutes and I'm kind of like, all right, this is weird I can't just leave because this guy's like a fan. I don't want to be a dick and bail on the dr. Pepper God forbid I really want the dr. Pepper Yeah worth the wait. So I like I peek around the back of the stand. He is walking back from a house that might be three hundred yards away across the field

of wheat. He trudged to his house to get me a Dr. Pepper and then has to walk back and he gets there and he opens the Dr. Pepper for me just in case you don't know. In case I don't know how to do it. I use it with my teeth, I chip a tooth, I sue, you know? Hands me the Dr. Pepper. Hot! It is a hot Dr. Pepper. This man, it puts the pepper in Dr. Pepper. It like, it scalds the tongue.

Yeah. It's almost like he had it like on the roof of a tin shed. What the fuck? Like it's scaring off crows or something. Yeah. So, I had a hot Dr. Pepper. In the window, cooling like a pie. Right, yeah.

I'm supposed to be the, I'm the hobo. Yeah. Anyway, shout out to that guy. Thank you for not using slaves. It'd be awesome if you guys would get cantaloupe and honeydew so people didn't have to go against their morals to get some of the sweetest melon anyone's ever had. I mean, look, slavery's bad, but these fucking cantaloupes, dude.

You can have it all. You can pay people, you can grow cantaloupe, but they're not mutually exclusive. I know, but why do I have to be punished? Why can't I have the sweet, juicy, juicy orange melon? You want to have it at home. Yeah, because Emmy knows where they come from. You're trying to air your fingers out of the moving car? I used to do that.

I told you that trick, right, back when I didn't smoke in Las Vegas in 2017? No. No. No? I would walk Gordy at night. This is when Emily would be home. And this is like, I would smoke all day when Emily was gone. Constantly.

Constantly. In the house. Too. Yeah. Not in the house. No, but I was writing my book, so I was smoking a lot of cigs. Anytime I would hit a little M pass on the page, I'd be like, I better go have an American spirit green.

So I'm not smoking and I know she gets home at like 545 every day so I'm showering at 530 you know brushing my teeth she's like wow you're really taking care of yourself minty fresh sure am honey but I needed a cig before she went to bed and I could seek my after after you know nighttime cigs So I would walk Gordy at like 10 p.m. and I would always bring a little clementine with me. Oh yeah. Clementine orange.

And I would leave, I would smoke, I would come back and I would just fucking crush that clementine in my hand, rub it all over my face and hair. As if, is it better that she thinks you have no idea how to eat a clementine? Clementines are messy. I got away with it for two years because the clementine trick.

She never clocked in. It seems insane. Or every now and then be like, hey honey, I'm gonna go play the blackjack at Arizona Charlie's. Get smoking there. Yeah, people were smoking. It's crazy.

I know people still smoke. It's gross. Who would? Who even could? That's what you're saying to her. Who would even? We know how bad it is. It's so bad. It's like, hey, whenever I see someone smoking, I think, gross, I'm glad I'm making the right choices. It's nice to have that in the rear view mirror. Mm-hmm. You know what? Another cigarette? I think I'll stand. Yeah. On my promise to my wife. On business. Yeah. Uh. I don't miss smoking. No, it's not great. It's not great, is it? God, what the **** Where did it go? I don't know.

Cotton Eye Joe? It's Biden. The first time I did it was the best which doesn't make any sense. You would think I would figure it out a little more because you're thinking Too much about it. I don't think about it at all. It came out of you. It was natural. It was your heart singing Crazy don't eat it. I'm not eating anything. I scratch some people think I pick or scratch and then eat No, no, no, you might eat sometimes I eat off camera No, dude, okay. No never on you're constantly munching your own dead on cam I'm cleaning

Clean my nails something I called you a human crap clean my car Yeah, who's that ran? No, it was a man online. Yeah good. I'm sure he's doing a good job with his affairs I'm sure he manages a bank. Well, uh-huh. So yeah, we have all of his dental patients are very satisfied. He's probably tea bagging his page. He's got his patients in there knocked out. He's dumping his bag making mouth tea. People tea bag their page on the rag. You know, we don't tea bag our page.

No, we don't. And you should join the Patreon, man. Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth Why not? Why wouldn't you do you want to see two guys sitting in hotel beds picking scratchers? Yeah, we've gone With this set all over this crazy world of ours. We had this thing shipped to Tokyo. Oh, yeah Here's the thing. We could pre-record a bunch of episodes and just not be good or we could do them fresh and uncut Fresh and uncut like a baby Jewish child

You know the mile hasn't come over yet, and that's how we do the pods Well, yeah, you want to see more this he's really scratching the shit his foot is bleeding. He's scratching it So I'm barely doing anything over here. Please join the Patreon. When we get to 2,000, Becker's going to smoke dope off of foil. That's a promise. Becker will relapse on heroin once. We'll get him the worst hotel room in southern Colorado. We'll go to like a Red Roof Inn.

We don't have Red Roof Inn. Well, we're going to fucking find one. We'll leave the light on for you. Which one is that? Hojo? I don't know. We'll leave the light on. That. Which one is that? Hojo? I don't know. We'll leave the light on. That might be red roof. Well, whatever it is, you should be on the radio all the time. When I was listening to Stern, we're

going to go to a restaurant, find an El Salvador and see if Becca one of Becker's complex lies is real or not. That's what he said. He's like, Oh, if I go to an El Salvador and ask if the fitting was working, ask him if the back burner is on. Yeah, ask him if they left a light on for you. But yeah, if we get the 2000, we're like 200 Patreon subscribers away. So go join that and we'll use that money to send Becker to heaven.

That'd be nice.