Chubby Behemoth - Move To Strike You

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: PrizePicks - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/CHUBBY & use code CHUBBY & get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup!     Ridge - Take advantage of Ridge's Biggest Sale of the Year & GET UP TO 47% OFF by going to https://www.Ridge.com/CHUBBY #Ridgepod #sponsored #ad     IndaCloud - If you're 21 or older, get 25% OFF your first order + free shipping @ IndaCloud with code CHUBBY at https://inda.shop/CHUBBY #indacloudpod     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are all at their own houses getting ready for the holidays. Sam could have killed a man if he wanted to, had to go to his mole for info, and hopes everyone wants to see the pentagon real close. Nathan went to Hanukkah dinner in person, had a big weekend already, and saw a list that pissed him off. You want to be bad.     00:00 Taking A Knee At Halftime 01:18 He's Doing The Podcast Next Week 05:11 Red Foreman 07:11 Frothing 09:30 Confirmed By His Girlfriend 11:02 Hostile Takeover 13:52 Tag Teamed 14:53 Sporting Institutions 16:19 Lady H 18:30 Looking For Something To Get Mad About 20:48 Fell Asleep With All The Lights On 22:43 Throwing A Giant Party Twice 24:07 My Way Out The Ghetto 28:04 Perfect Jewel Formed 30:05 It Was On Fox 32:18 Wait By The Mailbox 36:17 Little Yakov 40:00 You Know About Enable? 41:45 Zoom Those Doubloons 43:48 It's Not A Comedy 45:59 Sticking It To The Man 48:41 More Horseshit 50:42 Wife Of The Year Is Coming Home 51:58 You Done Red? 56:36 I Need A Blankie 58:06 You Want Twill So Bad 01:00:00 I Want To Be The Stew     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Chubby behemoth, chubby behemoth, yeah. Theme song in 2026, maybe. What about that? What about a 15-minute theme song? You do a couple ad reads, you're out of there. That's pretty cool. You start taking a knee at halftime. Stairway to heaven.

Just come out of halftime and victory formation. Yeah. Now, I think that, yeah, if we could get like the mighty, mighty boss tones to do that, I heard they'll do anything right now. They had Ian Fydance on a show. They'll do anything for money. Yeah. Yeah.

I think they're doing a desperate cash grab. So we could have the boss tones do like a scott-tinged. Your best friend, Wes, did Ian's theme song. Did you know that? Yeah, of course. Of course I knew that. I only watched clips until like two days ago and now I'm watching full apps. And I'll tell you what.

You're trans? I'm in. I just want. I just watched Jordan and Ian and Jeremiah Watkins and Rick Glassman. And it was pretty good stuff. I think in 2026 we should just do reviews of other podcasts. I think that's the mood. Becker, you can talk the whole time.

How many podcasts about podcasts are there? I don't know. How many podcasts about podcasts does Becker have? Whiskey and Sigs was literally, I made fun of, or no, I made fun of a guest. They played a clip, and I was like, well, that sucked. And they were like, well, he's a friend. He's doing the podcast next week. I think it was Brad Williams.

I was like, this sucks. Who's this dumbass? Yeah. It was Brad Williams. I think it was, Tiny Brad. I think he's going to be here next week. He was probably telling a story about the fun gag where he pretended to be Carlos Mancia and then get laid.

That was a cool story. Hey, man, that guy has to exist in prison rules just out in the, in the wild. Yeah, he has to do whatever he can to impress people and make himself. like you know useful and if that means some kind of you know sex prank he could only it only worked on people who would have fallen for a wolf in their grandmother's shawl where they're like whoa you don't look like Carlos and your arm seems shorter well the better to finger you with my dear I heard he did the thing though where like he was laying in bed with the stocking cap on and then he had the blanket pulled up to his chin

and then poking out the bottom of the blanket was a pair of shoes they had propped up so they thought and also to make it specifically Carlos Mencia they were the kind of Zapato boots that curl at the tip so I was like hey in the dark

after we're all three 11 in the dark how many how many grasshopper shots do you think that lady took before she accidentally He actually fucks Brad Williams. I'd love to fuck Parlos Mencia and or Brad Williams.

And they're like, well, we can make that happen. It's two minutes into the pod, so that's good. It's Schrodinger's sex assault. It's what it is. Now look, I like B-Dub, you know? He's a good guy. He's fun. Yeah, it was a random clip.

I didn't know what we were doing. It was the first clip. I thought maybe we were supposed to be mean. Uncalled for was mean. so i thought oh we're we're being mean and then it was like oh he's about to be in town i was like all right cut it i don't care shit you guys are going to do 20 of these they did 400 episodes can you imagine yeah against against all odds and against the listeners wishes here's there was a petition to not save it

there's a funny thing about uh brad williams is one time it was a comedy works entertainment gig and i drive them up to like sterling is that the one in the northeast corner where the prison is. Yeah, Fort Morgan and Sterling were Moose and what's his name's two gigs. No, no, there's one that's in the northeast corner. There's a prison and there's a college up there. There's like a junior college. So it's me and Brad Williams.

I don't have a car, but I said, yeah, I can drive. So I enlist one, Byron Graham. Byron Graham's car broke down. One of eight comics with a car in Denver. He got a lot of work. Right. Stuff of having a car. but it was it was it was tough though because he also had a vest so you know you didn't really

want to be in the vest car but what are you going to do but his car broke down on like 20th so I was like oh shit well hey Euris get over here but then Euris couldn't drive because he didn't have a baby seat and Byron wouldn't let him borrow his so you know we had to Uber they were at loggerheads because they were they were the two guys with cars yeah They were pretty much the same guy in my mind for about a year, where it was like, Eurist or Byron, well, Aaron is before B, so it's less work for my thumb. So let's give Aaron the call. Graham is before Eurist. Yeah, there were. Right. I'm supposed to call Aaron Euris father to get his brisket recipe for, uh, boys, I'll tell you why I unleashed on your dumb ass this morning, Lund. Not even unleashed. Just asked you two valid questions that you.

you red foreman your way out of because everyone's a dumb ass except for you you're literally red foreman bro and yeah well and if you want if you want to figure out how i can get my boot in your ass well becker of course is danny master said and uh what oh yeah girl targeting and then i i'm uh i'm Cheech, you know, I'm, everyone like Cheech, he was kind of in and out. He didn't, you know, he just came in was funny. It was Chong. It was Chong. Whatever. I didn't watch. Leo, Leo was his name. I knew I would know it. Uh, sure. So I'm Leo. No, I'm probably Laura Prepawn, man. I'm everyone's favorite. You've got them. You used to have them. Scientologist. Yeah, for sure. I've watched the first 45 seconds of Orges the New Black a few times.

It's like my special. It's like Toad's Morrell. The first 45 seconds is awesome. And then, you know. Who cares? Peters. What happened? Why were you such a bitch?

Oh. I'm kidding. A bitch. I'm kidding. I mean dumb ass. I mean dumb ass. Dumbass will play due to my cool joke. No, I literally thought earlier today, I was like, damn, he's just red foreman.

He's right. Everyone's a dumb ass. And you love them and you deal with it. And that's you, man. But he was a real dickhead. So I don't know if I love it. Well, yeah. Well, hey, maybe he learned from it.

But we, I, I, this morning, I'm like, Emily hits me. I luckily, let me just start from the beginning. I'm sorry. Please. Great weekend in, in Portland, Maine, sold out all four shows. Dude, when I say that I might have. I might have, I don't know, maybe it's the room, maybe it's the architecture of the room, maybe it's how stoked people were that I finally came after having to reschedule three times.

But it was frothing, dude. Little Colby Bradshaw, he hosts the Man Mountain Colby. And then Alex, Alex, just Alex. Sorry, he's huge. He looks like Angus. Imagine if Angus grew up. Angus from the movie Angus. Sure.

Okay. So Big Angus is hosting. He's clean. he's hilarious. I recommended him from Montreal like three years ago. He quit doing stand-up. He's back. Shouted to Kobe Bradshaw. He revealed something really funny to me in the green room that I shouldn't discuss on here, but I fell on the ground laughing because it was so preposterous. Yeah, it involved him anyway. So, no, man, it's so crazy that like it would change his life forever if I revealed it

because if anyone could get a hold of him, they would get up his ass right away to bother him. It was so funny. Dog food or? No, no. Not something that, like, you know, made me rethink my understanding of him. It was just straight, joy, glee.

Yeah, like, I was happy for him. It was the opposite of the dog food revelation. I was very stoked and, like, happy to know him. But. I was telling Becker that three rival hash farmers came out to best bostom me with their best rosins because word got out in the New England hash scene. That old Sam T likes to go Lebanese with it. So that was cool. I got a bunch of dosy doce doze from Haysie Hill Farm.

Nice stuff. You guys were missed. Everyone sends their love. And you crushed. No, I didn't crush. I was the best I might have ever been. Yeah. Like complete pulverization. You know, I have good sets, whatever. I'm not, you know, stoked on it. I was on stage at this thing. There was a broad man at the late show Friday in the front row. And it was confirmed by his girlfriend that he had to, he had to like not die. He had to focus on not dying because he was a big man. And I had him immediately as soon as I came out and like made fun of Colby for being a giant, you know, simpleton. And then it was just like, all right, I can kill this guy if I want to.

I felt the man's hands, you know, or his life was in my hands. So that was a thrill. I wish you were there, Lund. You would have decimated this place. Empire Comedy Club. I haven't been in a room that explosive in a long, long time. Who, figures. Oh, boy.

Yeah. So this morning, I don't have an early call or anything. You know, I have plenty of sleep. I get to the airport. Emily sends me a list of stuff to get at the airport I'm in Maine I need to bring her back a lobster roll charger phone charger I like the ones at the airport

she needs a net that's her butterflies you know girl stuff chapstick so no I'm like well there's a lot of food why would we be bringing because we're hosting her mom's side of the family we're hosting the Wansha Christmas Eve event at our house. It's our first big foray into the upper echelons of power within the Wansha mechanism. You know, this is Emily's, this is Emily grabbing.

Literally she's go ahead. Yeah. No, she's going for Grandma's throat. Like it's usually at Grandma's house. It's the first time it hasn't been at Grandma's house ever. It's our house. Hostel takeover. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I mean, Grandma went in that trash can. How'd that happen? happen. She's weak. In the can. I was in the can. So Emily said, this is how I win. Yes. Hey, I want to go over to grandmas as much as everybody else. But if we're going to have to get her out of the garbage disposal, a tree, the sewer, you know, that's going to take a lot of quality time. Yeah, Emily gave her grandma a hammock for Christmas. She's like, hey, get it out of there, Jerry. make make yourself a macrame roll-up you old bag so i so i know that i'm making uh french dips for our for our christmas eve nice move but she's like get all these sausages and stuff too

and i'm like well why are we going to get the sausages for jim's family christmas that we're going to on the 23rd why wouldn't they buy all the sausages but i can't ask my wife because i have a sinking suspicion that maybe, just maybe, we're hosting both. And she's not, when's she going to tell you tonight? So hold on. So of course. Okay. So yeah, the pieces are starting to fit and you don't like the puzzle that is taking

shape. The puzzle is a picture of me getting butt-fucked for 48 hours. She thinks you're not going to. figure it out if she keeps it vague and just gives you tasks so does she think i'm stupid or has this somehow been discussed now hey i feel like if it was brought to my attention that we were hosting on the 23rd and 24th i might have said hey bitch are you Objection

Are you Yeah Objection Are you crazy Your Honor Have you lost your fucking mind What are you talking about With all due respect

Your Honor Fuck you Question Mark Who do you think I am And who do you think you are Damn And you're going to find out in an hour Objection

That's the dumbest thing I've ever fucking heard Objection Move to strike you in the face move to strike you in the head and neck area BFT I just can't imagine even if I'm at my you know most distracted uh have been writing all day because I'm locked into this draft you know I'm I've stony baloney whatever it is I feel like if she was like hey we're going to have we're not only tag teamed two families

Two buttholes. No, not two buttholes. One butthole. Well, I figure she's getting some of it. No, she's got a pearl necklace on one night. The next night she's wearing the five diamond bracelet I got her. She's fucking, I'm, I'm Kevin Spacey in House of Cards, is what I am. All right.

She's Claire Huxstable or whatever her name was. So she's going to look great. I'm going to be blown out. because she's at work all day too so not only do i have to get ready for the 23rd i would never agree to that on my own but then i also have to clean up and then get ready for the next day that never would have happened right this episode is brought to you by prize picks it's the holiday season the best time of the year for sports bowl games basketball matches playoff pushes it's all happening at once you and i make decisions every day what gifts to buy what to eat which game to watch who lives

who does. No, no, this is all verbatim, Lund. All right. But there's only one place where it feels good to be right. Prize picks. It's your fantasy team. If your fantasy team is dead in the water, don't worry. Price picks has you covered with weekly fantasy football plays. Win, when your favorite players hit their projections, no draft required. I personally endorse the NFL season and the NBA season and the NHL season.

I endorse all of these sporting institutions that this nation prides itself upon. So that's a big endorsement for me on the NFL season. The NFL season, we're in week 16. You know, the NBA season will go on longer than that, and I'm not sure when the NHL ends. So prize picks now has early payouts. Cash out your winnings before the game even finishes. Download the prize picks app today and use code Chubby to get it. $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup.

That's code C-H-U-B-B-Y to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, it's good to be right. So I go to my mole, my most trusted resource on the inside. I don't want to give her away. Let's just call her Lady H. And I hit her up and I say, hey, Hannah. Agent 47, the hitman.

Hey, Hannah. Here, I'll read it to you because I phrase him in a way where I... Hey, Hannah, what the fuck? No, no, no. Are you bringing the lube? Because... Okay, this is at noon today. Hannah, where is Ocantia X-Mis?

Hannah, your house, stupid. Laffy face, laughy face. Oh, yeah, she loves it. Okay, I respond. Okay, go ahead. And I say, okay, and where is Christmas Eve? I thought that was at our house. She responds, yes, they are both at your house, L.O.L.

I respond three separate texts, what the fuck? She responds, OMG, how the hell did you not know? I said, I'm not sure. It seems impossible. This is why I had to ask you. We know there's some discussion about who would be that crazy to do that. I said, I'll tell you one thing. There definitely wasn't a conversation because I would have said, no way.

She says, classic Sam and Emmy situation. And I said, yeah, I'd have said, bitch, you're insane. yeah so then there was some more fun conversation I said Anna I said Hannah by the way please never ever ever mention any of this conversation to Dr. Demento only because I love her and I love being married to her and she said and you also love being a living breathable able-bodied person

I said she'll hit me with a frying pan she said cast iron so that's what happened this morning and then I get in a different group chat one with one Nathan Lund and the one known as Becker and you know I read back through some of the messages and I put some pieces together looking for something to get mad about

I think hey ammunition no I'm going to put a different puzzle together it's going to be me and my three buddies with our arms across each other standing in front of a Ferris wheel oh no it's the same puzzle I already put together of me getting butt fucked but there's one different face

And it's not, Emily's face has changed and it's yours, Lund, and it's just right there. So that's why you might have got a little bit of honesty is the way I like to phrase it. Yeah. Well, and it was, it was perfect that you said that I, you probably just woke up and are reading this and I'm sorry for the timing. And I said, yeah, to myself. I was like, yep, you got that right, buddy. But I could be awake for a thousand years and still feel on the right side of history. and then like an hour later i'm like you motherfucker yeah you you pissed him off you fucked it up

who knows what the wrath will look like it could be swift it could be death by a thousand cuts you just start every week every weekend we're together you cut me a little bit yeah dude no you planted a festering bomb but uh unlike most cancers it's i'm going to infect you with it when you're least expecting it so that'll be good well yes uh i'm glad that we're recording i wanted to go to pass over wanted to go to honica dinner with the orins because i didn't see them the last time they were here and matt oh you went i you went over there i figured you zoomed sorry matt i do most of my in-town meetings via zoom you are correct yeah yeah except for the podcast that makes us so much money that was my that was via zoom yes so you went over to orins you had a big

did they do brisket oh yeah wow it was nice And I thought that either, well, so this sucks, too, because I didn't know that you had whatever you need to do with Emily in an hour and a half. So I thought, so I'm not trying to take it out on you. Right. But that just figures. It's like, God, I saw that. And I was like, God, damn. And I thought either you guys will do it or you'll do whatever, you know, you'll watch football.

Becker will jack off some more. And then he didn't jack it for like a month, dude. He didn't jack. Yeah. Did you still not jack? No, I dragged last night And then Last night

Fell asleep with all the lights on The red lights sticky Right, no, I still had like my glasses on Like a lizard My overhead light No, I turned those off Because I was gonna

His VR helmet was still on And the mask was cake Getting sucked Yeah, he's still getting sucked When he wakes up It's like, uh, that'd be awful Yeah No, he wakes up

And he's the one doing the sucking And it's because while he was asleep His brain was red by the VR helmet and it saw the truth of what he wanted. God damn it. No, but I did fall asleep. Sorry, Masterson. I don't know.

Like 30 minutes after we were done recording, I passed out and then woke up at three in the morning, like it was time to go. And then just got like really stoned in the dark and went back to sleep at like 4.30. Yeah. There you are. Well, it would have been nice if you would have come over, but you were puking. That sucks. Oren said that he felt fine this morning

But yes, I'm glad that we're recording And that you guys didn't record without me Especially because my God Sam, you probably would have Beaten a dead horse Until I was glued You're going into business for yourself I applaud you. I'm glad you're spreading your wings

I'm doing my own podcast right now Different podcasts Right I'm over here Within the pod Oh hello Bobby Chabimuth. Look at these three wise men.

I'm always hiding them, but they're back there, judging, watching. Yeah. I don't know. It's almost Christmas, so I figured I would show them, give them their time to shine. People have been waiting. But yeah, now, what do you have to go do with Emily? I forget. You have to go buy sausages.

Well, since we're throwing a giant party twice, I guess, This is the only time we can really co-lab on like a Costco run or whatever. So we're going to try and hit it. She's driving back from West Virginia because, you know, her bank accounts in heaven and she has to put all her checks up there. Oh, wow. We're not getting that dog. Okay, that's good.

That's for the best. Yeah, we're not getting no dog. That rules. They're just going to put it down. I'm happy about that. Just being put down instead. No, the dog's going to raise the baby. it's going to be a lone wolf and cub situation what is that uh kung fu um it i think

it's based on it'll i don't know i read the uh the manga comic book which was cool and it was like really thick but also small so you could like put it in the back of your jinko yeah yeah it was a chode book so yeah you could get one of them for 12 bucks and just be reading it forever that was a great comic man they talked about they talked about it on Bob's Burgers, but I thought it was fake. It's a famous Kirasawa film about like an old Japanese legend, and then there's

a manga about it too. So it's like a classic in all kinds of different fields of media. I came up with my way out the ghetto today, I think. I think that I have I have a great, great idea

for a TV show that, yeah, I wrote the first episode today in a fever dream while the Broncos were getting their asses pounded. And I kept texting my Hollywood producer friend saying, I'm going to make you look so smart. I'm going to make you look like you know what's next. You're going to know what's it because you got me.

That's a lot. That's a big check that your mouth wrote. Oh, dude, no, I got it. It's sick. The whole thing just like came to me on the airplane today. because I was really pissed here so yeah like I'm pissed at you I'm pissed that I have to host two Christmases in my home with hardwood floors that I pride myself upon and a bunch of dumb high heels so I'm pissed I get on there I'm like well cool it's a delta flight I'll be able to

stream football I fly from one to three I can still watch football on delta in the very least I got the TV I can watch one game I can switch back and forth, whatever. It's awesome. Oh, I'm upgraded? Whoa, hell. I'm in 1D. This is the best day ever.

Get up there to 1D. There's no TV in 1D because it's the bulkhead. Don't have a TV. That's no problem. I have Wi-Fi. Delta's legendary streaming Wi-Fi. Wi-Fi is not available on this flight. All right, guys.

I hope you guys want to see the Pentagon real close. That's where this thing's going. We are... Actually... How much gas do we have? Because Trinidad and Colorado is pretty far away, but I've got a friend that I would love to say hi to. How many of you have wanted to go inside the Freedom Tower?

Because everyone in the first 12 rows will for sure make it in. So that's me. Joey Furioso. Do you try to switch seats or anything? I know that's not like... I was upgraded to first class on a full flight. Yeah. Nowhere for me to go.

But like a 2D doesn't want to switch with you? You know what? I didn't even consider asking anyone else up front. It's a weird. Yeah, it's a weird. I think we don't think to do that. that because we don't want people to ask us to switch for any reason so yeah i mean if someone if someone hit me with some plaintiff plea that like oh my god the westminster dog shows on and like i look

forward to it all year i would gladly switch with them if it didn't jeopardize the fact that i couldn't watch the same westminster dog show because if they move where i am they can't watch anything you know so i try to download uh you know the last two episodes of uh dairy it oh dude the scrimshaw joke in main as well as the like locking tongues with pennywise in the sewer those were banging out up there next level yeah yeah because i would even if they didn't get a big laugh i'd say i've had this fucking weekend circled on the calendar all year i'm gonna save the scrimshaw joke end of the year scrimshaw and it you know so oh man god i wish you were there dude we filmed uh that the owner lucas after i got off on friday was like hey can i film

tomorrow. And I was like, yeah, we got to film tomorrow. So I have the, I have Saturday, which was even better than Friday. So fuck, I might have one camera, like it. Yeah, I think so. But I think I might have to bootleg it. It was so good. But so I'm like pissed. And but in the, the swirling just maelstrom of madness that I'm experiencing, a perfect, perfect jewel formed. And I wrote it on the plane on my phone. and crazy so yeah yeah man it's good pumping it out you have to pump sure i like to think of i like to think of my creativity is like a is a tit and i just need to get it out even if even if i don't drink that milk i need to get whatever was in there out of me yeah that's what i feel everybody

says that has that it had any success writing is that you have to write right right right right right right, right. You don't think about it. You don't worry about it being perfect. You write, right, right, right. Swartzweiler wrote, what do you do? You write so that you can edit because editing is easier. It's easier to like fix what you've written. So you just kind of don't worry as much about the first draft or the idea. You just write it and then you go back and polish. Well, I think that Murakami, who was a heavy hanger freak, I think he would write for four hours every morning and then like swim. He had to go swim, so I think I didn't need it some kind of, man, I don't know. If I can just get some, if I get my fucking foot into Hollywood, I think I can just write shit for the rest of my life and then do stand up when I want to, which will be all the time.

And then I'll learn to hate writing because I can't do stand up anymore. Yes, that's the Orboros I need to get trapped in. That's it. Just a time loop of me being mad at my success. Never happy. Always moving. Never happy. Right.

Constant motion. The shark. Yeah, you're a shark. Dead eyes. I'm eating my own tail. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I was trying to do Jaws and Araboros.

It's not easy. Jaws of Burros. Joraboro. Yeah, it sucks. I didn't watch the Bronco game. It sucked to follow along on my phone and be like, oh, no, no magic fourth quarter. order, huh? What were you doing instead? It was on Fox, and I don't have a way to watch games

on Fox, and then Suzanne made fun of me because I said, I wanted to go to the bar, but I had the dinner, and she was like, yeah, you can't do two things in one day. And I was like, well, I don't want to, if I can help it. I said, and I got a haircut from her yesterday. So it was a big weekend already. I didn't also want to go to the bar. Also, God, last time, when I watched, the Raider Bronco game. It was almost perfect because there were like five people there. I liked them all a lot. But then there was one guy.

And he just kept saying the dumbest shit. He was in there for like 10 seconds. He goes, I think the Raiders are going to win this game. Yeah, Raiders are going to win this one. Like as if because some part of his brain thought it, he immediately was like, yeah, no, that sounds true. And then he can't keep it to himself.

I hate that. And then he also said something like after like one good Broncos play, he's like, Broncos are going to win it all this year, And it's like, are you a child? He was an adult man. But he just had these whimsical, like, predictions and guesses that he said as if they were fat. He starts drinking water, but it sounds like the glass is hitting more glass. And as the water splashes, his makeup is removed.

And it turns out his head is a fishbowl. And there's just a goldfish in there bumping around. Yeah. That'd be pretty sick. Yeah, a goldfish and a guy switched brains. Right. And so he's like, Fanduel needs to quit these prop bets, that's what I'm saying.

He's desperately trying to appear to be a man. But yeah, just so yeah, it wasn't, he wasn't, he didn't watch the game for very long, but it was. So that part of it was, man, if I heard a dog outside, so we had to go chase it down the street. Then there was a, then there was a single balloon floating by. If there's another fucking guy like that, I wouldn't have been stoked to have made the trip. I should have zoomed in. I should have told Kurt. Hey, set up a Zoom real quick.

Let me watch the game from home. But I didn't. Oh, that's nice. Well, I was going to say, I know that I've got some Christmas cards coming, one from you, one from Sharpie. I assume I got some coming back from you. Oh, yeah, me and Creature sending out cards. Yeah, just wait right by the mailbox. That's coming along with something a little extra.

But if your old wallet is stuffed with cards. It's time to try Rich. You got a bunch of Christmas cards in your wallet. What are you literally insane? Ridge is so wonderful. How big is your wallet if you're carrying Christmas cards? It's an 11 by 17 wallet. What do you have?

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Ritch is. Yeah, you can put cherry bomb pipes on it. You can tint it. You can, uh-huh. What was that called that made your muffler way louder? What was that? There was the cherry bomb that's the pipe leading up to your muffler or replacement totally for it. Yeah, and it was made of glass.

I had it on my Lincoln Town car. Oh, my God. Vegas. Yeah, it was so loud. Vegas left those stupid. Or was it a Whistler? Was that a thing, too? That was also a thing.

Yeah, that's crazy. Yes. Becker, I am... Make your wallet sing. After driving all of these rental cars all the time and like Emily's car, when my Impala turns on in a parking garage, I get it. Yeah. I literally get it, dude. I understand what it sounds like when a car rumbles and what that feels like.

And I've been listening to the men driving around the city with my car rumbling, and it feels pretty fucking cool. And that's the same feeling. I get when I have a Ridge wallet. And I don't even keep it in my back pocket. I love it so much. I actually put it down the front of my undies. I put them into my sheath underwear and I hide my brick up front. And it's fine because you have a 99-day risk-free trial in a lifetime warranty.

So even if you stink it up, day 98, you're like, my wallet reeks. How does titanium smell like balls? You can still send it in. It's risk-free. I'm excited because I have decided that this is the last wallet that I'll ever need. I'm going to be buried with this wallet. And that's all right with me. I always hated having a big wallet.

I had one when I was younger. It was super annoying. And this was one of the first things where I was like, please let us get Ridge Wallets via this podcast. God forbid I buy one. I would rather be gifted it. And sure enough, dreams come true. I literally use the Ridge Wallet, a keychain thing they sent us.

Did you guys crack that thing open? yeah it's pretty sweet dude it looks like a switch blade so you can take it out and menace people with it if need be get killed by a cop charging thing is sick like look obviously blah blah blah they give us money I like Ridge and it's for me

a guy who begrudgingly opens the free crud they send us because you know what am I going to do with an eighth Ridge wallet but the accessories are awesome for real they have a limited time they're working on a helmet

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Guess who this is by? Yakov-Skhov-Skir-en-off. Yeah, man. Yeah, Kov, bless me. The picture you shared must have made it look smaller. I'm surprised it's that big. I thought it was like a little 5 by 7 or something. I'd say it's 24 by 18.

Not bad. It's nice, man. Yeah, Yakoff sent it. But he also sent me a little Yakov-Smirnoff that I'm supposed to drill into the top of the off. Let me go grab it. It's ridiculous. Drill into the top of the front door? Painting.

Oh. Oh, on top of the original painting. Something else. Like a little bobblehead? I'm excited to see what a little yakoff is. I thought he was going to say, what's the thing that Jewish people put above the door? Oh. I thought it was going to be a little yack-off is.

of the word for it but i don't you're talking it was on curb one of the first episodes of curb i think talks about it's not p sec whatever it is yeah that's what i thought a little yakoff that could ward off oh whoa evil spirits yakoff the painter he's on a swing oh he's painting the sistine chapel yakov angelo no i think it's like a swing yeah oh it hangs from the bottom of the frame You are getting very sleepy. You're getting very Russian. In Russia, hypnotist rapes you. Yeah, so I have a...

Dark Yakoff. I have a little yakoff that I can put on the shelf. Yakoff on the shelf. That's great. He's got a crush on you? Yeah, he does. It's awesome. How often do you talk?

interact with him uh talk to yakoff twice a week at least shut up really what do you mean shut up yeah i figured you're smirnoff a lot i literally posted thank you yakoff you're an inspiration right he's an inspiration all the time the man i think i talk to him a lot uh he has a lot of great ideas about like i don't know how to apply are like art to stand up like how to think about like stand up as art or different ways of different mediums of art as different kinds of stand-up. I mean, the man has like three, I think he has a PhD in art, you know, he has a master's and a lot. He's insanely smart and educated and like really stoked to have, I think, a young guy who wants to talk. I do feel bad because he sends me like big, well-thought-out, like blocks of,

you know, satiant or salient ideas. And then I'll be like, whoa, I never thought of it that way. you just say i'm not really giving as much as i'm getting hell yeah dude and then you don't say anything else for a week i respond to heal yeah oh god i'm dying something's you ate a bunch of brisket the brisket is getting my ass uh fuck you got trouble yeah i think i'll be okay becker are you okay i'm i'm good i think i might have just Like, a little travel bug or something? No, I think I'm just back on American food. And the illegal Pete's didn't agree with my body every time.

Two burritos, two Pete's burritos, smash. It sucks that ice keeps shutting down illegal Pete's. Now, guys, I've been thinking about this. Just beating the shit out of Pete Turner like once a week. And he's like, come on. Hey, I didn't vote for this. I voted for Trump three times. I didn't vote for this.

now guys this is this is crazy right so i didn't get to tell you this last week you know a lot of guys wives you guys are talking about how your wives enable you when we were chilling lund yes you know becker you know about enable like so a lot of guys becker a lot of guys wives will uh a lot of guys wives will uh grab some ice cream you know give you a spoon you know say oh sharp you want to be bad yeah you know now my wife grabs my ice cream hits me with a spoon and says you you want to be bad. So it's tough, this whole enabling thing. I, it's crazy.

You have the opposite, yeah. My wife's a doctor. That's like the hamburger being married to a mayor McCheese. Now, both of these bits didn't work this weekend, so I'm doing them here on the pod. But that thing about grabs my ice cream, hits me with a spoon and says, you want to be bad. That had me up laughing at 1.30 a.m. on Thursday night. Like, to the point where I was kind of scared, something happened. That I was losing it completely, had gone mental.

Well, it's the norm ideal of the setup and punchline being the same. So I think maybe that's part of it, is that it is clever. I was delighted. On stage, they said, no, thank you. That will do. It was the only time that they weren't, like, tearing their own hair out in ecstasy. Yes. 100%

crash. Yeah. Well, was that all you had or did you like riff more on it? No, then I would tell them about, you know, well, I did say, you know, and hey, Mayor McCheese forgotten civil rights icon. You know, there weren't a lot of Cheesburger mayors

before him. I like that. And then this pissed me off because, you know, they put out the Epstein files and probably like you guys, I was very disappointed to see Scrooge McDuck was on there. But, you know, you know, so I said that and then I'm riffing on. I mean, that's on us. Like, you know, we all willingly look the other way. We knew. I mean, how does a duck without pants get a swimming pool full of gold de blooms? I think if you zoom those de bloons, you're going to see some swaz on there. I think that's fair to say. Nazi gold. You know, someone had to launder it and he was swimming in it. Uh, he was German, you know, he was Scrooge, Von McDuck. You know, Huey, Dewey and Louie, of course, translated from the German, Hauser. Mouser and Joey, and I'll tell you which one wasn't their uncle's favorite.

So I'm saying all this fun stuff. And then I get off stage and some kid in the merch line comes up and shows me a fucking like Reddit meme that's like Scrooge McDuck on Epstein list with, uh, or in photo with Jeffrey Quackstein and, uh, you know, Jislane Quackswell. And it's like big titty Jislane that's a duck and Jeffrey Epstein, but he's also like a duck. So it's like, fuck. Can I not knew that because someone made a meme?

Oh, you didn't see it. No, I didn't see it until the kid showed me gleefully in the merch line that I was a hack. Smirking. Yeah, loving it. Yeah, smirking. Got you. Jacking it. Uh-huh. I'm telling.

Can't wait to tell everybody. Huh. I mean, that is unfortunate. I know. And weird. Weird that of all of the random cartoons from our youth. It was Scrooge McDuck. You're also a big Reddit guy, so maybe before Deadbed, you were scrolling Reddit.

You saw it, but you didn't see it. No, what was really fucked is that the meme was from like 2022. So it had been done. When you won Redditor of the year, Lurker of the Millennium. Oh, how about this? I'm sure you didn't see it, but there's some other fucking list that pissed me off. the original one from a month ago was 20 or 100 best comedies and it's bullshit because fargo's like number six and it's like fuck you it's not a comedy it's it's not the sixth funniest movie of all time regardless of genre just the shit like that right number one is a naked gun and it's like if it's naked gun then number one should be airplane right like shit right one would be airplane two would be naked gun happy gilmore has to be on there caddy shack has to be in there there's 10 movies that have to be on there before you for Fargo's even considered.

It was all over the place. It was annoying. Borat was like 42. Borat and Jackass have to be one and two. Jackass wasn't, I don't think Jackass was on there. What? That was the one thing that.

Who wrote this? I don't know. The Dickless Virgin? Some jerk. But there's another one. Oh yeah. And Quentin Tarantino for all the, you know,

whatever shit he said about Paul Dano and whatever else, he did say, I think, that Jackass would be number one. So he gets it. But, or that it was like top three, whatever he said. I was like, yeah, Jackass. Spinal tap. He's not wrong.

RIP. Yeah. But, oh, there's another list now. And I, if, hopefully he's not out for guys who look like Rob Reiner or else you're in trouble, Nathan. I don't look 80. He, no. You guys heard about that, the Brown murderer? Yeah.

That's tough to Google. Now, go ahead. God damn it. I don't know. Is that too much? I said that on stage once. No, no. It was funny.

I've gotten two messages about a certain internet connection. I think it might be yours, Sam. That's an issue. Mine, the can power the space station. Or yours in the old church? No. way either way i'm not sure who's who's to blame

but yeah all right well yeah you took that for some reason and i am okay about it because of indecloud they make any day feel like the weekend indecloud and ridge we love them both they're like the caesarian calendar they're pretty cool they are your indecloud is your online dispensary

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of the 21st century, either way it's just more horseshit the dumbest thing where like whoever did it or maybe it was a group of people who who you know did this shit but uh yeah it sucked it was like number one was chappelle two was chris rock three was louis ck and it's like okay that's boring and then and how much has chris rock even done in the 21st century when you know the big ones were in the 90s whatever so but it's fine i don't know he's funny as fucking guy who disagrees with rock rock could be one you know i know i know he could be one he sure but patrice o'neill was like nine and it's like he died so long ago yes he was very funny but how does he i don't know and then mitch headberg was on there Mitch headberg died in 05 so that means in his five years you know what i mean just like just more is sebastian on there i don't is like maria a Bamford on there? I think that Bamford is on there, but it was just more.

Hors shit. I don't think, I don't, I don't think so. Is Norm on there? I mean, Canane's probably a stretch, but. He's not, though, is he? Because he has all of his specials from this century, and they're all really, really great. And comparing this, I mean, subjective nature of comedy, comparing it is all asinine, you know, but like. Yes. Well, so, yeah, that's what's annoying, too. It's like, don't even, don't even do this, approach this, because it's impossible to do it right. But then they do, and then they're not even close. And it's just like annoying to see shit like that. I'm not seeing.

Well, I was told that my book can't be on the best of the year list because it already came out. So that's been a fun. It's been a fun little dagger. Ladies and gentlemen, Emily Talent just made it back from West Virginia. she uh yep she has a she's singing west virginia mountain mama take me home is she going to be pissed that we are working no she texted she said uh hey don't worry wife of the years coming home so we're good this i mean i'm really excited to host uh this week this parties this week it'll be fun. These parties this week. Uh-oh.

Both of them. Oh, can I play you guys a funny, uh, she's acting like you already knew. Yes. She didn't act like that was news. No, no. Can I play you guys a funny, uh, so Susanna, you know, the terrorist, Susanna, she has figured out how to send me voice memo. whenever she wants from her mom's phone.

So we had a bit of botanage, you know, back and forth. I really hope that word means what I think it means. I've never heard it, so be careful. I think it means witty back and forth is what I think it means, and that was my intended use. But here's Susanna. Ellie Wong, number 19. Sure.

She has a whole lifetime body of work. Sorry. I don't know. you done red here listen to this little girl you know whoever came up with this is a total dumbass here we go oh oh wait i can't play it because it's through my headphones is that right yes okay there we go i disconnected so here it is davidel number 14 no big deal i mean he's the best ever so I know.

He's so he shouldn't be 14. No. Or gets he's 12. That doesn't make sense. Hopefully this works. You look like a stinky butt pig. And you smell all day. Like a pig.

You stink going, man? So yeah, I'm just getting those out of nowhere all the time. And so then, then I said, whoop, don't play it again. No, no, no. Then, you know, I send some funny stuff, blah, blah, blah. Susanna replies out of nowhere with maybe the funniest thing that a little girl could send you. Because I told her, you know, what did I say?

You look like the, you look like you look like you're stinky and the dog puked you up and you smell, blah, blah, blah. Then Susanna sends this. Which is Wednesday Adams threatening to slash the throat of someone. That is from her right there. Yeah. Uh-huh. She's going to kill you. It's good stuff.

It's nothing of good stuff. Manuscalco. He came home and opened the front door. So it's not cold. It's not cold in here. Oh, she's bringing winter in with her. Manascoco was 11. Robin Williams 10.

this is from billboard and it says it's a comp it's after talking to like club owners and shit it's just so weird where chapelle bookers and heads of comedy clubs festivals and the tonight show is cedric the entertainer involved i'll bet there's no earthquake or bruce bruce that's bullshit gory holly billy billy connelly's on there out of nowhere allegedly he rifted everything he ever said he like could he never told a joke it's like all right he's like little wayne he didn't know how to write yeah he doesn't know how to read to write mascoco robin williams bamford number nine sure norm macdonald eight seven kevin hart here's here's something funny to think about with norm no one ever has a story

of having seen norm live and he killed like you never hear someone say oh yeah i saw norm he crushed you know it was just out of the park it's like his specials are amazing But I've never talked to a single human being who said, wow, Norm was the best I ever saw alive. Right. Yeah. I told you, I remember being like, this is a lot of 9-11 stuff. I know it had only been like five years, but I was like, it's a lot of 9-11 stuff. It was good.

But yeah, it wasn't the best ever. I saw Louie and Patrice when they were both probably at the top of their game, you know, whatever, like really fucking crushing. And I saw Canane when he opened for Pat and Oswald, and he was incredible, you know, he was just like on the come up. But probably like you, you know, almost killing Mark Marin or whatever, driving him to drugs. He did blow because of you. Oh, what the fuck? Yeah, he described me as bombastic on his podcast. So that I'll never forget that.

Bombastic means loud and without purpose. This is, yeah. Thanks. Thanks, Marone. This is what I was thinking What are you? What are you? My underwear? I shit at them. Maybe I'll let you guys

be in my TV show that I make. Is it about guys in a tire shop? Because I got bad news for you. No. It's about... Breaks. No, I can't even say anything. It's too good.

It's too good. It's about windshield wiper fluid. my favorite emmy i need a blankie why is it still open it's really cold in here why did she leave it wide open but the blankies are so far away what what is she bringing in it's not a dog she has she has a chainsaw oh no i think it's a dog it's two dogs she's calling something a dumb bitch out there. I'm giving away a bunch of clothes tomorrow because all my clothes are too big.

Yeah, the reckoning. I have this LL Bean 3X tall jacket, or not jacket, like just shirt that I bought last year. My God, I look like Rosie O'Donnell. It goes down to my knees. I look sick. How many shirts from like this year can you hold on to when you were like searching

for the shirt who can even tell and look i showed restraint because i did not go to the l l b flagship store in freeport main oh yeah i didn't go everyone was like drive me up there i'll give you a 30 percent discount come on up i i they have lakewash twill people were telling me they have lakewash twill pod listeners so i didn't go because it felt gross to make a consumer pilgrimage to lakewash mecca uh as opposed to just chilling in Portland, Maine, you know. It's a half hour away. I mean, you want twill so bad. That seems...

Yeah, I know. But to spend money on yourself before Christmas when you owe the government the most money ever, Becker, I told Lund how much money I owe the government. Nice. Yeah. Yeah, I was surprised. I figured it was a lot.

For January, boys. I figured it was a lot. I didn't expect the number that he gave me. It was pretty crazy for sure. Yeah. what's your guess becker how much you think i owe i think you slipped up and told me once you yeah yeah the vault yeah jake becker yeah i'm pretty sure you told me so you know as well yeah i'm confident enough that you told me and then said immediately after emily told me not to

ever tell anyone that number and yet you guys still continue to make it my problem that's interesting well look if you're a listener you still have a chance to help me by showing up to Columbus Ohio to the funny bone come there Orlando get on my website Orlando I'm doing a show with Shaw Smith at some punk rock bar on January 3rd January 8th though in Columbus that's the one we need to show the funny bone old Sam T don't play around 350 tickets fourth of them are sold that's good news get the rest Cincinnati Ohio uh Winnipeg Lund we're going back to no Edmonton Winnipeg rumors yeah Winnipeg, Rumors, that's in Canada, Albuquerque, Dallas, Texas, Fort Worth, all over. Come on, Sam, Talent. Sam, Talent, get your ticky, tick-tick-tick-tok.

Portland, Portland. Portland, Helium. That one has to be big. Wednesday, Thursday. You know what? I threatened to burn that place down if I don't sell all the tickets. But I forgot that I am afraid of fire. So I really needed you guys to get there. It's going to be an empty promise. Emerald City Comedy Club. It's really, this is the year of the motherfucker. And it starts in January, everyone, get your dicks hard, all right? Put your cock rings on and say, hey, I want those tickets. And I want Sam T. I want the tea. I want the tea bag. I want to be the little, I want to be the stew. I am going to go from Dallas and Fort Worth to Vegas to see little Eli the day after he turns seven.

Is that a rapper? Little Eli? Yeah, he's the shit. He's trapped. He invented trap. because he was stuck at a mouse trap he was caught in one uh he his birthday is that sunday i'm going to fly there that monday hang out and i get i have to go to winnipeg from there so that's going to be i'll be gone for like 10 days guess what megan's pissed but i'm excited

because i didn't want to i want to do both hyenas and texas i want to do rumors uh cissifist 26 and 27th oh god it's happening it's coming uh west river in rapid city i'll be at west river comedy club january second and third so uh feel free to come out for any of those shows hopefully i will see some snow because it's not going to happen down here it's fucking dry as a bone so that sucks so i am hoping for a white christmas or a white new year easy i wasn't a brown and a brown murder You guys get into race theory? Join the Patreon, please, and thank you.

There's so many great episodes in there, including the one that Becker did. Just kidding. No, it was great. He joined by January 1st because I'm taking all the money in January. So if you want to line my pockets, go ahead. Becker, you're going to have to pick up some hours down at the break shop, Lund. I think you can get back your Tuesday shift back. Guest bartender.

Mm-hmm, yeah. I'll help Carlos do land survey. he needs a Becker you can help some of the guys do a three man job yeah all right guys

we love you thank you goodbye