Chubby Behemoth - My Teeth Bend

Episode Date: September 19, 2022

Fiery PO. Cool Hair. Ran Barnaclo.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

So, Ran, you didn't get any snooch today. Oh, come on, man. What? Leave me be, dude. No, no. It's just in. Not Ran's penis. Yeah.

Come on, man. Headline. I'm not getting any head. Line up. It just didn't, you know, she had to go to work, man. Now, tell the folks at home who she is. My girlfriend. And where can we find her online?

She's not online. Oh, okay. I don't let her. I wanted to send our legion of... Skanks. No. No. I am on Skank Fest, everyone.

Come and see me. The big pig's going to oink all over Skank Fest. You're going to D-League Skank Fest. No, I'm doing the big one, man. He's going big skank. He's a big skank this year, boys. All aboard the skank fest no i'm doing the big one man big skank he's a big skank this year boys all aboard the skank train he's always what you know from high plains to all these beautiful festivals but we all knew you were ready for skank fest what's the matter with skank fest what are you gonna wear a

leather jacket and fingers some girl you would love to do skank fest no i wouldn't yes you would you would do it in a heartbeat i would do it because I'd be like, dude, I'm doing Skankfest. Isn't that fucking hilarious? Oh, you'd do it ironically? Yeah. Yeah, just like you eat pussy? Ironically, yeah. For the lols?

Against your will. Skankfest is cool. That's where all the real dudes go to tell it how it is. Yeah, tell it how it is. Yeah, yeah. I'm a truth teller. I'm a butt smeller. Being woke is gay.

Are you at the being woke is gay tent? Well, yeah, by tent you mean the pants I'm going to wear. Yes. You're not wearing pants. I might have to wear pants on Skankfest or else they'll rape me. They'll call you gay while they're banging you. He loves it. He loves it.

Look at that pig. Ouch. Ouch! Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee! Yowza, fellas! That gapes! What gapes? That stings! What gapes in here? Oh, it's me!

Man, I didn't go to Skankfest, but I won't pay $80, but I would love to go to Skankfest to see you skank it up with the boys. You would come just to watch me at Skank Fest? Oh, my God. Just to shadow him? Yeah, I would love to watch Sam at Skank Fest. Just to watch how different he is?

He's not like that. Code switching? He'd be so uncomfortable when somebody walks up to him with a monster energy bomb, and they're like, kiss my girlfriend's tits. She's 17its she's 17 he's whoever he's whoever he needs to be yeah i'm right here i know you're a chameleon bucket head nobody knows the real you except for your deceased mother i heard you were headlining the jujitsu Jiu-Jitsu tent. Yeah, but Jiu spelled J-E-W. They're just in there

beating up a bunch of little dudes. Ari Shaffir. Ari Shaffir's giving people wedgies for $10. He's in a gi. The lines around the block. The lines around the block. I can't wait for you to go to Skank Fest. They're going to love me.

They're going to make you wear a pumpkin on your head and drink puke. They're not going to make me. I read the contract. You're opening for a band that's like, Wide Eyes. One of those bands. What? One of those?

Wide Eyes? Yeah, I don't know what they sing. I didn't know there was music involved. I don't think there is. There is. It's Skank. Screwdriver's playing. Screwdriver's headlining.

Screwdriver. Screwdriver? You don't know Screwdriver? No. Oh, my. They were like a really good hardcore band from the 80s, and everyone was like, this rocks. And then it turned out they were Nazis.

Oh, man. Whoopsie. I know. My bad. Jew driver. You called the boy a Jewish slave before we came on here. No, I never have. That was off mic.

How dare you. Doesn't count. How dare you. He's one of my closest friends. Dude, Skank Fest is going to be fun. I'm going to bring a little bit of heart and compassion to Skank Fest. Are you going to sign people's guns? You're going to be like, I sell a book people's guns you're gonna be like i sell a

book and they're gonna be like pussy you fucking pussy get him out of the monster tent take that fingerless glove off of your hand sir i wrote a book fuck you here's an expert. Fuck you! A couple characters say it. We're listening. I dropped two N's on this book.

We'll buy them all! We're back in! We love reading! How much violence against Asians? Yeah! Yeah! What book are you selling? The Turner Diaries?

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I feel like Skankfest will be... It'll open us up to a whole new fan base. It'll be you and Tucker Max selling books in the tent. How do you know Tucker Max? That's the only book you've read. At least they serve beer in hell.

I read it. I bet you did. I read it in high school. Yeah, it's written all over you. You had to read it. It's not healthy. I've talked about shooting ropes. read it it oh yeah yeah i haven't read it he's talking about dropping gaggers on hookers i was like dude come on what's a gagger rope a rope you can't choke a big white pot a reverse cream pie oh no upper decker he's total. I hope you can chunk in hell.

You cannot whack in hell. Yeah. He also, I thought it was like a book written by like a dude my age, but he was like 35. And I was like 17 when I read it. Yeah. And it felt bad to read it because I read Bukowski and shit like that. I was like, all right, what's another like kind of gnarly book? Yeah.

And Tucker Max dropped and I was like, what is this about? Not good. I've never read a Tucker Max, but yeah, book? Yeah. And Tucker Max dropped, and I was like, what is this about? Not good. I've never read a Tucker Max, but yeah, it'll be me, Tucker Max. Tucker Carlson. The people who run the Mein Kampf Kampf Estate, they'll be there. The people have Mein Kampf koozies and shot glasses? Yeah. They're cashing in.

It's been 60 years They have Sam hosting the mud wrestling competition Out in the field After the show It's teen mud wrestling I make all the mud They got Sam out there with his hose And he's clomping around in the field

I don't even get a hose It's just 110 degrees in Las Vegas I roll around in the dirt You're going to Vegas? It's in Vegas. Boom. Skankfest, Vago. Of course it's in Vegas.

Where do you think it was going to be? Skatopia? Clearwater Beach. Does that place still exist? I don't know. It was in Ohio, right? Clearwater? No, no.

Skatopia. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It still exists. You used to hang out there all the time, right? Uh-uh. Went once. You scared? No, Skatopia You used to hang out there all the time Went once You scared? No, I wasn't scared Skatopia is like Skankfest year round

It's all the Heshers I used to hang with the Hesh boys I got a neck tattoo They're in all those bands that say Wide Eyes They're in bands that are like They're like shooting fireworks While you're trying to do a slasher grind in the bowl. Some 48-year-old man is shooting a bottle rocket at your 17-year-old ass.

He's drank 48 Budweiser Tallboys. And he's just like, hey, you want to see me pile drive a girl on a car? Tucson or normal? Well, I'm going back home. Thanks, guys. It was wonderful. Thanks for puking in my beanie. Guy that can do front side airs so everybody looks up to him.

He works at a pizza shop. Rodney Mullen. And that's the story of how I met Tony Hawk. We had an encounter with a guy who pile the story of how I met Tony Hawk yeah we had an encounter with a guy who pile drives women at our hotel oh yeah

that guy yeah cause you left us in the lurch you're like I'll be there at 6 you had to dump and it it really

dude I did I did have to dump my butt you made apple butter yeah I made big ol I pooped a bocce ball in this toilet

you streaked the pores yeah we were like oh oh, yeah, let's go outside so we can be ready when Rand comes. We respect his time. He respects ours. Let's go outside. We get stuck with this dude and he was fine until he wasn't. It almost seemed like we were going to get away with

a conversation with a guy who wasn't like us. An N-free convo. Yeah, like just a nice, hey, love everybody. I drink a lot. Filled to the brim with N. He waked out at the end of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yep, that was rough.

But, you know, that's how some people live. With hate in their heart. Not us. No, he was like, he was sitting out there. He was wearing a fucking bright red, like, renovation sleeveless. No, bright green. Bright green. He was out there when I pulled up tonight.

He lives out there. He lives in the gazebo. I don't think he even has a room in the hotel. Is that Gazebo Jack? Yeah. Gazebo. Gazebo. No wonder fucking, you know, Appaloocha or whatever, Appaloosa, didn't want to stay at that hotel.

He's been there for three months. Intimating sex crimes at everyone who comes within the gazebo range. Yeah, he was like, I didn't do anything wrong, but I'm gonna. Yeah. I'm finna. Yeah, I got an ankle bracelet, but I didn't do shit. They made him live in the hotel on an ankle bracelet. We're not sure.

He didn't really get into the dirty deets. He said he'd been living there for three months. He had an ankle bracelet, and his PO is a fiery, sexy, petite Latina. She's Latina or Filipina or Cambodarina, whatever, man. She's something that ain't like me or mine. I would break her in twain. As soon as this ankle bracelet comes off, I'm attacking her ass. Nothing's going to stop me.

Then they're going to know where I am or what I'm doing. You know what, though? You've got to get to know those guys because you're going to be performing in front of them in Las Vegas. Yeah, he's like, as long as I get this off before October 15th, I'll be fucking fine. I'll see your ass at the fest, brother. Wait, are you saying T? He pulls up his sleeve. He's got a huge Legion of Skanks tattoo.

Yeah, he just has a countdown tattoo and every day crosses out the next date. It's so infected. Yeah, it's yellow infected yeah yeah it's yellow and purple yeah vikings yeah no i that is you're right i mean look i'm happy i was asked a lot of really cool progressive guys will be there of course yeah and and it's all fucking around what other what other festival is is as big as the skank there really isn't one well i did montreal and that helped a lot yeah montreal has changed everything montreal is for people that wear horned room glasses yeah yeah did montreal change everything what do you think no no

i'm back at nanners yeah i'll always be at n man. I love staying at that hotel. I've stayed at the Mainstay Suites in Blue Ash, Ohio, where Leonard Gerpins is there, not telling us what he did because it would turn us to ash if he was to reveal. Allegedly, I killed someone with a Quran. Now, nobody saw it, but they did hear it, and I said my name several times over a PA. Yes, it was at a dollar store.

Yes. Look, she said she was 16. She said she was 13. Listen, I believe women. She said she was this many. Shake a tire, shoes. Yeah, man. Well, I'm sorry I left you with him so I could dump my entire body into this toilet.

You had to do it. I'm glad you cleaned your skeleton in the toilet. Yeah, and then we got to the end and he was like, gay people, the guy at the desk is gay. He's fine. He might have something to say about your little shorts. He'd probably fucking bend you over and read you the riot ass. But then we got to the end of the conversation. We almost got out of there.

That's when the end started flying. Yeah, man. You can't trust. It sounded like you and Blake on a long drive from Dayton. You can't trust a guy in Ohio with a high visibility t-shirt on. Right, yeah, especially if it's sleeveless. Yeah. So you can see.

When you hack the sleeves, the conversation parameters are also hacked off how else are they going to see the ace of spades driving a monster truck tattoo that you have he's a jester but the tips of his hat are fireworks yeah i got it at skate-topia god i miss skate-topia dude we should do we should do a live pod from skateatopia. Okay. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. It's going to be impossible to get a word out after we're getting bottles broken over the back of our necks.

Yeah, we'll be performing in chicken wire. Can I nose pick your sound board? Can I cry star over you guys? All right, you guys just talk about comedy or whatever, and we're going to shoot off a bunch of bottle rockets with toddlers they own the place yeah i corrupted a toddler today at the mainstay yes he did oh yeah one week green shirt when well yeah well i thought i was better than him but then as we were as we were uh coming into the hotel i noticed how sweaty sam's back was and i said big surprise i said jesus sam you are sweaty what the fuck and then immediately lock eyes with a two-year-old oh man you changed the way he's gonna talk forever yeah well and he called me out he said mommy one of those people

said a bad word oh that's bad and i was like oh no he heard it and then we tried to get into the elevator guess who comes around the corner the kid yeah baby yep why did you say a bad word i said well because i'm an adult and sometimes we say bad words i'm sorry cool hair because he had long hair he said cool hair to a long glowing hair he didn't mean it in a nice way uh he nagged a two-year-old. Oh, he said, like, cool hair. No, I meant it. We had similar hair. I like your mom's face tattoos.

His mom had face tattoos? His mom. That kid's going to say more than bad words. There's not enough fucking Walgreens makeup to cover up what she had going on. Concealer? Yeah. Yeah, she was concealed carry. Yeah.

She was carrying a lock of her incarcerated husband's hair. He's out there. He's wearing a high-vis t-shirt. Yeah. He's firing up the grill. Yeah, we can't talk to him, but we know he's out there. It makes us feel better to know he's out there. You didn't see my pussy-ass son with his long hair in there.

He's interracial. We're both white. I don't ask questions. He's like the front desk guy, I think. Yeah. He's a little... Well, see you guys at Skank Fest. We'll just sit out here at the gazebo and jack my dick off.

I'm going to be out here listening to Apollo Records. Nick D, he gets it. You actually said to that boy, you said, sometimes adults say bad words, but it doesn't make me a bad person. And then he went, but you look bad. Did I say that? Yes. No, I didn't.

You tried to have a moment with this child before you negged him. I said, sometimes people say bad words when they're frustrated? Yes. No, I didn't. You tried to have a moment with this child before you negged him. I said, sometimes people say bad words when they're frustrated with how gross and sweaty their friend is. And you said, now give me a kiss. Now come with me. You can get any three things from the vending machine. If you give Papa his kisses. Yeah. As long as you don't tell Mommy what room I'm in.

1-1-0-2. Mommy knows what room we're in. She's day shift Colton. She works there, yeah. She was the one who switched out the coffee this morning, and you thought that she, like, tricked you by not telling you it was bad. She should have said, hey, that's turned. I thought it was still going to be hot because it was in a giant, you know, cauldron. Yeah.

I thought it was still going to be hot because it was in a giant, you know, cauldron. Yeah. But apparently they made it at 4.30 in the morning and then left it out until 2.15. She wouldn't have said, hey, sir, that turn. She would have been like, ooh, that coffee funky. She would have done the voice. She would have done the voice. Like that lady. Well, we didn't know.

Yeah, we didn't know when she talked like that if she could get away with it. Yeah, she puts the skanks in skanks fest for sure. Poor woman. You see some people in southern Ohio and you're like, what happened? How quickly were you on pills? Yeah. Yeah, that's scary. What are you looking at, huh?

I was just looking at the levels. Were the levels good? Yeah. You already checked them. Yeah, I checked them, but I frequently do a bit of a check-in. Rand's like a big podcast producer down here. I'm not. Yeah, he's like the doll.

I don't even produce my own. I haven't done my own in eight months. You quit? Yeah, I haven't done one in forever. But people loved it. No, nobody loved it. Yeah, they did. Well, tell the numbers that.

You got a big spike when you did Chubby B back in the day. Yeah, I did. Oh, you guys did one without me. He was on the Apple Man episode. Apple Man? When he stayed at my house. I didn't listen. And that's when I got back on weed and I was watching The Town on full blast.

And Rand came home. I had every light in the house on. My dad was asleep 40 feet from me on the couch. Two different vapes, one THC, one nicotine, just watching The Town at 99. Rolled up in Sam's car and heard gunshots from inside his house. Uh-oh, Duddy took a turn. I knew it was television gunshots. I think you can tell.

Yeah. And I was like, who the fuck is doing that? What is that? Is it Sam's dad? I thought he was watching Heat. You thought he had a shitty neighbor? He was running down the street? Yeah.

He was blaring the town. The first night I got there, he was blaring Dune so loud, I kept waking up to that weird Dune. That sound. Like Dune so loud, I kept waking up to that weird Dune. That sound? Like Dune, like. He cranked it. Why? He was cranking Dune.

I love it loud. He was back into weed. Yeah. I like a loud movie, too, but it sucks when there's a lot of gunshots, because they're a specific kind of loud. Duddy slept right through them. Duddy didn't care yeah it's because he still has tours in iraq he doesn't fucking know anymore about recon yeah he

just calls it good night music let me hear that lead lullaby tea yeah they're playing skank fest he was like hey where's ran i want to tussle i want to watch him do a boneless over mom's ashes i'm not doing a boneless over your mimo's ass come on do a bonus over the urn no she earned it okay i'll do a boneless over your mom's ashes we don't have an urn we have a ziploc bag didn't spring for an urn did not sprung for for the gurn. Because you had to go to Europe for the fourth time. Why didn't you get an urn in Europe? So we were going to bring her ashes over in our pockets and then put her in a European urn? Yeah.

That's good. Bring her ashes in the bag. We did. We brought her over there. We fucking dumped her fucking dead bones all over that continent. Oh, really? She's in every goddamn river from here to Sydney, Australia. Really?

She's in every fucking ocean there is. Did you put her in the Ohio River? No, we didn't. But she hated gay rivers, so it makes sense. Is she in the falls of chagrin? She is. Mommy's from up north. You're down here where the rats swim upside down.

You're a fucking natty river boy. You're a brown water Charlie. Mommy was from up there. She was up there where the lake was on fire. Yeah, the old Cuyahoga stinker. Mm-hmm. That is what your mom's nickname was, correct? In college, yes.

Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah. Rest in peace. One year later. Yeah. Still laughing about it. Yeah, a lot of content came from her untimely passing still juicy as uh uh uh mr lund this is your first time in cincinnati how do you feel

what do you think what do you smell what do you like what first first time it's good uh it is uh the market was nice finley's market since 1852 people been going there and saying i'm not paying that for that. Yeah. So that's nice. My great-grandma from U.S.A. Turned tricks down there. She used to turn tricks and give up her mouth down there.

I'm not paying $2.15 for those dates. Give up her mouth? That sucks. Yeah. God. My great-grandma, she used to go down there and give up her sweet, sweet mouth. Right off the boat Her Hungarian

Her hungry Hungarian hole She was triple H She was getting pedigreed upside down She was getting pedigreed on Race Street Yeah, my great Meemaw She used to walk down there every day to get her produce.

Give up her mouth. I mean, give her produce. To exchange her mouth for produce. Her mouth for radishes. Yeah. I'll give you my mouth for a single radish, please. Last week it was three radishes, not two. I will give you my mouth for one single radish.

And she puts it in there and pickles it in the seat. Yeah. Yeah, dude. If you're standing 69 someone, so you're holding them. When you come, you tombstone them like the undertaker. Yeah, you need to give out. The lights go off. You brother of destruction.

They wake up in a grave. No, they have to raise up like that. Yeah. And turn their head. I'm glad we can work out all this skank fest stuff. Sam, did you like your tomatoes? I loved the tomatoes. You were popping them down.

Yeah. Did you eat all those? Oh, yeah, because you made them good. Oh, yeah. He made sloppy, sloppy goulash. Yeah, he did. It was a Cincinnati slop sack. Slop sack.

Yeah, so you get some olives. You get some delicious fresh off the vine grape tomatoes. And you get some chickpeas from an Albanian woman. And you put them in a bag and you shake them up. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. Then you eat them in front of your friend's girlfriends who barely know you. Yeah. And they're like, oh, wait, weird.

She said, those chickpeas are not for sale. That's my lunch. We thought you guys were joking about him being a human pig. We thought that was just like a stage thing. But I'll tell you what, you are eating clean. Yeah. I mean, you're eating fucking clean. You're just making it look dirty, which I appreciate.

Well, yeah, when it's a transparent sack and you're carrying it around. It's crazy. Like you're trying to make a deal with someone. But also, you can't eat out of a black bag. No, you cannot. I learned make a deal with someone. But also you can't eat out of a black bag. No, you cannot. I learned that at the movie theater. Yeah, you can't eat out of a mystery bag. You bring 12 hard-boiled eggs to see fucking Avatar.

Those black teens got something to say. And then a tweet goes viral. And they say, ooh, who's Stinky Stinky? Yeah, it was me. We all knew who it was before I even opened up the egg bag. Yeah, no, those cherry tomatoes were good. I wish you guys would have taken a chance. I had one.

It was a weird move. You were like, hey, everybody, I got tomatoes for the gang. And it was like, nobody wants them. Yeah, you should have got cupcakes for the boys. I got macaroons. You didn't get one? I didn't get one. Because you left to go sniff around.

You left to get your hopes up. I had to find my truffle. Yes. It was empty. It was empty in the fields today. Yeah, no one ate any of the tomatoes. That was kind of heartbreaking. The olives were great.

And then you scolded me for saying, hey, cool tomatoes to those young women. Remember that? No. Remember those tomatoes that were half purple, half red? Oh, you, come on. You, like, gasped in delight at some fucking tomatoes. You're like, oh, my God. I thought they were eggplant.

Who are these little fellas? Yeah. What are their names? Those are Roma tomatoes. You're like, Roma tomatoes, you say? Yeah. Oh, and then he leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. He's just doing a bit.

I was not doing a bit I was dead serious It's like leave her alone Dude I walk around Beholding to the beauty Around us at all times She's 24 Leave her alone

I didn't even see her face I was looking at the maydows She was pretty Okay so you're objectifying her I was excited about the fruit I thought the produce was neat Boys boys calm down The market shouldn't

Put this much distention In their ranks Splitting up Best friends since 1852. Finley's Market. Well, if Rand's great-great-grandma was there to give us some... We would have split something else. Yeah. There was a woman that was maybe...

Was she black but dressed up as a Roma gypsy woman? Did you see that? Pardon me? There was like a Halloween costume of a person. No, no. She was wearing like an interesting looking getup and it didn't look like she was... You mean traditional Nigerian guard?

I think she was cosplaying. I think she was Bill Cosplaying. You had a fun new character. She had a cosface. Oh, Electricity Bill Cosby. Yeah. Who left the lights on all month long? Who plugged in the basement refrigerator even though there was nothing in the refrigerator?

Electricity Bill Cosby. Electric Bill Cosby. This is what you missed out on in the hotel. Did you ever get to move your mattress into his room? No, he won't allow. No, listen. This is classic Sam T. You're being a pussy. No. Are those mattresses stapled to the frame? No, they're loose.

Loose mattresses. So you can flip them. To hide the blood. He immediately wanted that to be a thing. Oh, I'm going to move my mattress into your room. And I was like, no, that's insane. They won't like it. Maybe we get in trouble. He's a rule follower.

He would not last a minute at Skatopia. Or Skankfest. Rules were made to be raped. That is the tagline this year. Yeah, I have to wear all that merch the whole time I'm there. Rules were made to be, I'm broken. I heard they're going to make you straighten your hair like Bret Michaels.

They're going to make me take bribes like Bret Favre. And show my dick. Yeah, your little dick to reporters. No, so Sam's whole thing was, I'm going to bring the mattress into your room. And I was like, no, let's not do it. That's insane. He's like, no, let's not do it. That's insane. He's like, no, really, it's great. It's normal.

Everybody does it every day. And then finally, like last night, I was like, all right, yeah, let's do it. And he was like, well, should we? And I was like, it's been your whole thing. You've been fixated on it. And I was like, yeah, let's do it. And he goes, but is it crazy? And I was like, yes.

He was like, is it stupid? I was like, yes, but let's do it. And he was like, yeah, let's do it. And he goes, but is it crazy? And I was like, yes. He was like, is it stupid? I was like, yes. But let's do it. And he was like, no. He just wants to piss me off. He just wants to stir the pot. He just wants to be a little Dennis the Menace. I just don't want to wake up alone.

And also, last night, you went to bed. And what were you doing in your room? I watched Jackass 2. OK. You watched Jackass 2 in his room? I fired up for skank. Yeah. OK.

I smoked weed. Yes. And meanwhile, you could have texted me and said, hey, you could have Harry Met Sally'd me and been like, hey, Channel 7, Jackass 2, and we could have talked about it on our phones. But instead, what was I watching in my room? A documentary about child railroad workers. It was about slavery.

I watched a slavery doc to tuck myself in, because that's what happens when I'm alone. That's a crazy thing to fall asleep to. I didn't fall asleep to it. I was rapped. Whoa, what? Yeah. He was raped.

You were hitting your weed pen like the fucking plane was going down last night. Dude, I was so accidentally high. Fucking Anna was playing the farts over Portuguese music, and she was... Uh-oh. Uh-oh, you gotta take it out. That's how she sounded, too. She was as red as that Folgers coffee can. Just not able to talk.

She was drooling. She was drooling, yes. Yeah. She was full Cheshire Cat. And I was like, whoops, oh, that's the wrong pod. Oh, no. And then I got Dan doing fucking voices in one ear and anna's over there laughing at dinner theater and you were looking at it with like

actual horror and then i kept going over his shoulder like you're hearing him really really ruining your fucking heart i liked when marty went up to Anna and was like, So, Anna, you left the fart noises on, but then you put music over it. And Anna was like, You got the joke, Marty! And gave him a big hug. I couldn't hang. And then there was the whole situation with that woman who was coming in and out. And then sheriffs were beating a woman face down in the parking lot and her boyfriend and her boyfriend right so it was just a couple squatted up on the cops it was chaos yeah and i was just accidentally stoned to the bone yeah it

doesn't help that i've got the impish warlord ran barnaclo over every shoulder being like it's amazing it's amazing yeah it was nuts lund kept, like someone would come up to London and be like, Hey, there's a pretty cool tree outside. And I would be like, let's see it. Yeah. Lund was the most cornered man in America.

I got cornered so many times. You went to take a piss. You were like, this'll get them away. And he's like, let me tell you about Madden. I got an ultimate team that would blow your fucking balls back. Yeah, he couldn't escape.

I got 1,800 mutt points to go home and spend. Dan was like, I'm really sorry. I can't come to the show tomorrow. We were like, oh no, that's okay. Never come back. He's probably asleep back there. He probably is. He's probably got his face down in the dog bowl again

He was like Yeah I'm gonna play But I die in the third act So I just get to go out there and watch Yeah I get to watch every night I think it was revealed that the play was Tony and Tina's Wedding or something

Yeah It's dinner theater He plays like an Italian scumbag He's a greaser Even though he's like a Jewish guy He came in from the parking lot last night and did all of his lines He was just setting all the chairs up He just walked up and he's like what are you doing You want to look at me

Shut up Am I looking at you Am I looking at you Who am I looking at here My eyes are closed Oy vey Am I alive or dead? Whoa.

Who brought all the arugula to the dinner? Who went to Finlay Market? Who's offering me grape tomatoes on my daughter's wedding day? Whoa. Whoa. Oh. Whoa. I got pig milk in my salad again.

I confused my underwear for a hat. Oh, which one of you fuckers cummed my pants? These are all the lines, huh, Dan? Yeah, in non-sequential order at all. I just had to remind myself that not too long ago i had a an even worse or weirder experience where i was at a club and after the last show two different servers no no two different servers just started showing me pictures of comics who had performed there wow just showing just back and forth just left right left right

left right i had nowhere else to go this is jay pharaoh yeah wow that was it snl for like 40 minutes oh yeah i've worked with him and it was weird very quickly went why were you there with the staff instead of hanging out in the green room i got kicked out of the green room. I got kicked out of the green room for asking a weird question. What? Who wants to smell this? What's this all about? Can I open for you? Have you ever seen a grown man's asshole? What was your question?

This was at Hilarity's two weekends ago. Allegedly. Yeah. Allegedly. I didn't want the... Wow, the staff doesn't listen. Fuck no. But yeah yeah a couple of them were just like look who this is but yeah i was hanging out in the green room with david tell and i asked him about got canceled on sunday mine got was not canceled so i went home good good he stayed so he was there flesh it out he was there with david tell for the extra sunday

sam wasn't there to tell me what's dumb and what's cool. I couldn't save you until you had an act. Were you doing a spot? I did a guest spot. Nice. I did good. But I wondered, Dave's got that Skanks for the Memories record, and it was filmed at Comedy Works in Denver, and so I asked him if it was mostly from one...

I said, it's such a good set. Or it's such a good album. Was that from like one set or two sets? How many shows from 2008? Fine. After he had done eight shows in a week. And so he was like, yeah, I don't know. I did a few shows that weekend.

Anyway, Nathan, take care. Have a good night. He showed him the door. He might as well have. He blew himself out. How was that blown? I don't understand that. You don't ask a guy like Attell.

It's your one-take Tony, I guess. You remember 15 years ago when you recorded your album? Talk about that. I don't know. It was just weird. Attell doesn't want to be idol album? Yeah. Talk about that. I don't know. It was just weird. Attell doesn't want to be idol worshipped. Attell hates that. Yeah, yeah.

He hates the status that he's been attributed, and rightfully so. Yeah, he doesn't like being like, oh, you're the GOAT, when people say that in line. Right. He fucking hates that shit. Right, I know. Yeah. Yeah, but I didn't think that that's crazy comic to comic. I don't know.

I don't, you know. It would have made more sense maybe. To not say anything. I didn't ask him any questions in the green room you know it would have made more sense maybe not say anything i didn't ask him any questions in the green room yeah of course yeah maybe i was like you want another cigarette sir how many puffs are you gonna take off this one i did ask him one question and he did not like it i was like always with the boots huh you don't like being comfortable and he was like i'm not comfortable in sneakers and he's like I'll never wear sneakers and I was like it's one of the weirdest

things I've ever heard and that's all that was the whole conversation yeah it was good to see you Rand yeah no he didn't tell me to leave though

he told Lund to fucking bail yeah no he didn't I mean he did but he didn't yeah he wasn't mean

and then you had to go sit out in the front room with that man with the speech impediment I got banished to the head wound ER. Where you said a gypsy and a man who couldn't talk. Yeah, yeah, it was rough.

No, they were nice, but it was a weird move. And it would have been fine if it was a couple pictures each from who's been there recently. But it was fucking scroll, scroll. Look who this is. Oh, yeah, look. That's you with fucking Chris Kattan again. Wow.

Paula Poundstone was back. I'll tell you what, though. That club fucking rules. It rules, for sure. Yeah, it's great. Yeah. I only know the manager and the owner and shit. I don't even know who serves there, but that club fucking rocks.

Yeah, Sam and Nick. Yeah, yeah. Nick is ripped. Nick is ripped. 78, ripped as hell. 78-yearreek freak he could be and he's also one of the sick he loves showing you around the club i know and he treats comics so he called me on sunday and said hey man i just didn't say hey man he said hello there young sir he's like can i kiss you on the back? Yeah. Look how sweaty. Let me towel you off. Look, I touched your knee 12 times.

I wanted to touch it 15. So we got to get you to come back here for your three. But he was like, I'm sorry that the shows overlapped and that it was rough. And next time we're going to treat you better and we'll try and get you in the big room. And I was like, this is unnecessary, Nick, but thank you. He's like, why'd you leave your trash behind? I was like, what do you mean? He's like, the one known as lunch is still here.

I thought he meant your pants. No, no, you grab my pants. I thought I had to grab for you. Wait, you're wearing pants? I had pants that weekend because I left them somewhere else previously and he brought them. Because right now your shorts are so short and your shirt's so long, it looks like you're a fucking porky pig. Yeah, yeah. I'm bare bottom barrel everywhere you go you act like you're in such a hurry that you can't remember

everything and take it with you okay well because that's i'm putting out every fucking fire while you're just whoa they've got taffy and cotton candy what fire store. What fire is there? Everything's taken care of for you. I'm out here. He had to deal with your album question. Yeah, yeah. He asked them. Hey, when you wrote your book, was it difficult or did it come naturally?

Did you come original with it? How much did you ape from other works? I really hope that I can do... Ape? I like that. You like ape? I really hope that I can do... Ape? I like that. You like ape? I never heard it used that way. Don't unplug that shit.

It's a verb. I'll do what I want. You unplug that USB. Uh-oh, the pit viper's out. Oh, shit. Wow, wow, wow. The jaguar. AKA the jaguar.

The panther in pit vipers is here now, bitch. Guess what? I'm gearing up for skank panther's got a pit i'm gonna fucking pile drive you two freaks today no but what i was saying about the uh the the standing 69 so you get them in tombstone position correct but a cool move would be if you then like reverse pedigreed them. So you have their like face in your balls and then you pedigree them on the back of their head

instead of the top of their head like a tombstone. You're talking about what Cesaro does? Does he do that? Cesaro does that. A reverse pedigree? Gotch neutralizer.

Gotch neutralizer. That's kind of what he's talking about. Gotch neutralizer is what I use on my lawn. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to keep those weeds away.

Keep the aphids off. But the problem with doing that is then you jam your dick so far in their mouth. Right. Maybe that's your thing. I don't want to hurt my penis ever. That is. I did accuse you of having a bumpy cock and your girlfriend was like, no, it's incredibly smooth.

Yeah. Yeah. And she said long. Not a vein in sight. Yeah. It's like a cylinder. It's like what they use. It's a Pring incredibly smooth. Yeah. Yeah. And she said long. Not a vein in sight. Yeah. It's like a cylinder. It's like what they use. It's a Pringles can.

Yeah. It's one of those fun-sized ones you take on a field trip. Yeah, no, it looks like three Oreos with an acorn on top of it. Yes. But it's smooth as hell. Fully smooth and filled with cream. No ridges. Yeah.

No texture at all. No texture, yeah. You don't need your tongue to eat it. Yeah. Just slides smooth and filled with cream. No ridges. No texture at all. No texture. You don't need your tongue to eat it. Just slides right down like a duck. Yeah, that's why old people like it so much. Yeah, well, it runs in your family. I fuck memos. I'm the pit viper. Wow, wow.

Go to a retirement home and fuck a memo. He's doing all his morning radio bits. Hey, welcome back to Snake and the King. I'm Fartman. Hey, I'm the King. We're joined today by up-and-coming comedian Nathan Lund. Nathan, how are you doing today?

Oh, pleasure to be here. I've been listening to you guys since I was nine. Great. Nathan, you ever fuck a meme all? Go ahead. Tell the King. Oh, man. I have, but I'll tell you.

It's pretty fun, you know, because it's early, and they buy your ticket to Old Country Buffet. Oh, God. I'm putting some extra gravy on those biscuits. Where's my Metamucil? I have it over here. Nathan, you freak. Hey, king, you ever fuck a peephole? Go ahead.

I haven't been hard since 77. Woo-wee. Oh, King, you ever fuck a peephole? Go ahead. I haven't been hard since 77. Woo-wee! We'll be right back with Pit Viper Radio. We're joined by Nathan Lund. He's plugging his dates at Skank Fest Vegas. I heard you're going to straighten your hair and beat a child up. Who are you excited to see?

I'm hoping to run into Elon Musk so that I can pickpocket his ass oh he doesn't have pockets well I'll pick the pocket of the guy that he pays to carry his money around for him I bet you will

the voice is in the house oh that was cracking me up the voice that TV show oh the show when you were telling the lady you were doing the voice well yeah well last night that white woman just do an aave but no the voice america's funniest on videos afv yeah african funky voice Okay, man. All right, dude. Take funky out of it. African voice?

Yeah. That's worse. Well, yeah, that's true because she wasn't like doing actual African voice. Yeah, she wasn't Angolan. Yeah. No, but you have a contestant on The Voice and it's like, hi, my name is Meredith Comstock. I'm from Sarasota, Florida. They're like, welcome to The Voice, Meredith.

And I'll be doing Chinese. All right, let's hear it, Meredith. Give it all for the folks back in Sarasota. She's like, ahem. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me. We're at the finals of The Voice. We've got Jack Skalikin. He's all the way here from Boise, Idaho.

And he's been really riding this black voice to the top. Oh, I've never had sex. And they're like, thank you so much. Aboriginal. Come aboriginal. Damn it, I was chewing ice. Yeah, two-year-old story. I could have gotten there.

Are we doing Sunglass Sunday tomorrow? Fuck yeah, we are, man. I got these vipers for a reason. The fangs are out. Len doesn't want to do it. What the hell? You got them white johnnies you can throw on. They're good. Yeah, they're good. Oh, are you mad everybody's want to do it. What the hell? You got them white johnnies you can throw on. They're good.

Yeah, they're good. Oh, are you mad everybody's going to be sliding out of their seats? It's just a flimsy premise. No shit. Sunday, go bananas. Yeah. You should see some of the shit they've done down here. Yeah.

No pants Sundays. It's okay. We're all going to stand backwards. Yeah. We're all going to talk with the back of our heads towards the mic. We're all going to be British. I'm going to be this guy. Oh, no. Who's he?

He's a guy that talks like this. A guy? He's from all over the world. Oh, no. He was raised on Air Force bases up and down the globe. He doesn't commit to any one good accent. But he does all of them okay. Okay.

That's how Italian... Have you ever heard an Italian from Italy say okay? No. Okay, well, I'll be Italian. Okay. All right, and you be a tourist. Okay. So just tell me something. Hey, the weather here, how is it?

Okay. Okay, thank you. Scream it. It's so much fun. Yeah, that is fun. I forgot about that. They yell it, too. Fuck I!

I told the story about Emily laughing at the guy in Italy. I don't think so. We went there for our honeymoon, and we just heard two weeks of people going okay okay and it was like that's funny so we're sitting in the airport on our way home and there's a young man facetiming and he just keeps going okay okay okay and emily's like nudging me and laughing and then he looks over and he has down syndrome emily was just laughing and he came with down syndrome oh not even italian yeah bad girl not even italian no just like a young man enjoying someone shaking keys on the other side of the

phone okay so yeah that guy'll probably be at Skank Fest. Pooping his pants. They're not even his pants. They're rental pants. They're Dan Friedman's pants. Oh my God. Which one of you guys fucking shit my underwear? Comes out of the bathroom.

I was just sucking the bag clean. And I noticed some one of you pieces of shit shit my underwear. What's sucking the bag clean? The trash bag. I was getting some free gum. I was in there sucking the bag clean. I was in there sucking on a wet brown paper towel, and I heard something. Somebody say my name? Paper towel didn't start brown.

It ended brown. They always do. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. I haven't wiped in 12 years i like cake i just shit in my crack it's spackled i was in a movie i got a girlfriend this whole place is upside down man yeah. Yeah, this is the upside down. It's crazy now. It's true. It's true things, baby. Mikey's at the shows enjoying it. Marty's got a lady pregnant. He's not serving foggers up in the fucking clearance room anymore.

His wife. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a girlfriend. Yeah. He's happily married to a woman who's pregnant with his child. Yeah. Marty Jr.

Dan's never been on premise while I've been here. Oh, he's back, baby. Dan's on the scene. Oh, he cleans the fryers with his mouth. Puts it in his hair. My teeth are toaster. Toaster shirtles? I was going to say soap shaving, but I couldn't get it out.

My teeth bend. My gums are hard. My teeth are soft. Remember when you were going to eat a sucarette off the floor last night? Oh, yeah. That's a legend. Well, no. I got excited because I thought, oh, we should get a gummy.

A THC gummy is where my brain went. In Southern Ohio, the candy on the ground was a THC gummy. People find a way to get high. People get high down here. Oh, I know, but not on weed gummies. I'll bet they do. It's on like Freon from Abandoned Fridges. But yeah, it was too unwrapped.

It might have been Vicks brand throat lozenge. Let's get lost in this part of it. Let's get lost in you having an Office Depot credit card. Are you going through his wallet? Yeah, what are you doing over there? It's not even his. It's his wife's. Shut up. Store purchasing. Yeah yeah it's my purchasing card hi i'd like two reams of paper

please and don't don't charge me full price that thing has saved me thousands of dollars i'm a frequent flyer i stay in office depot it's my favorite place making coffee yeah remember that who could forget he's gonna be at skank fest is he rob forget? He's going to be at Skank Fest. Is he? Rob Schneider. What's he going to be doing? Schneider's a skank. He's going to be reading from the Constitution.

He's going to be like, remember when I was on TV? This is what number two sounds like. Do you want to tell that story about how you made a boy quit because you bullied him? What are you talking about? Mm-hmm. What do you mean? Old Pompadopoulos. Who the hell?

Old Big Hair Jake. No. Okay. I didn't bully hell? Old Big Hair Jake? No. Okay. I didn't bully him. Yeah, you did. No. No, I don't want to tell that story. Okay, fine.

Oh. Uh-oh. Bit of a sore spot for Rand. No, because it's not true. Yeah, right. You're putting something nasty on me that wasn't even me. You're putting poop in my pants. Yeah, you're putting poop in my pants.

Dude, don't put poop on my pants. Oh, you had a new character, too, Jeremy. No. Yeah, remember Free Poop Jeremy? Who's Free Poop Jeremy? I thought that was you, and then I turned that into Electric Bill Cosby. Well, either way, I'm not claiming it. You don't want Jeremy?

No. Oh, so my wife had a fun. My wife gets into some wacky adventures when I'm gone. Yeah. And this one was fun. She got her head stuck in a pumpkin. She had to eat her way out. The dogs are licking the outside, but they're not chewing the inside.

Nathan, do I get good service in here? There's an echo. Am I on speakerphone, Megan? No, I'm in a pumpkin. No, she talks like Rand doing Dan. I'm married to Land. I eat too many seeds. Our building owner, or the handyman, had to turn the water off so that he could work on the plumbing.

And my wife knew that, but then, like, forgot about it and went and used the bathroom and shit. And then flushed. And as she was flushing, she remembered that she wasn't supposed to use the facilities. So she dropped a Chipotle burrito on top of a maintenance man? She went, oh, my God. She imagined the guy's face just in the open pipe. The job's all done.

Another great day at the office. I love my job. I love helping people. Come with it now! Just brown in the face. But luckily she did not... That didn't happen because the guy had not started

on his job yet so you had to wait an extra five minutes for that thing to clank down the pipes but then she said that it was the same sound as like when you put the quarters in a billiards machine and then you push it in

clunk but she was also reminded of a time where she worked in a billiards machine, and then you push it in. Clong, clong, clong. But she was also reminded of a time where she worked for a previous landlord of ours. Al, who's a total psycho. Well, hey, don't put that out there. Alleged psycho. Hey, Becker. No, who cares?

I do. I don't want Al coming at me. He won't come with it now. He'll shave your head and cut your neck. Yeah. He doesn't know what we're up to. No one knows what I do. I don't want Al coming at me. He won't come with it now. Go shave your head and cut your neck. Yeah. He doesn't know what we're up to. No one knows what we do. So she said that there was a time where a maintenance person was working on a building and had shut the water off and somebody flushed.

And he didn't take it to the face, but it went into the basement. It went in the basement. No. It went into his crack. It just plop basement. No, it went into his crack. It just plopped onto the floor? You know how when a plumber bends over, the crack is out? That's where the poop went. Oh, floor and curtain.

You're like, somebody shit my pants. Today, after The Voice, a new show, somebody shit my pants. Sam said that the poop went into our old friend Jeremy's mouth. And he's like, rock and roll. Who pooped my mouth? Rock and roll. So that's the kind of fun we have in the hotel when we have separate rooms. Yeah.

Separate but chic. Yeah. We're filling up your room tonight. We're doing it. You called me a pussy. We're putting the bed in there. He made your bed. I'm going to sleep next to you.

Uh-oh. Great call. We got a call. I'm going to sleep next to you. Uh-oh. Great call. We got a call. Thank you for calling Go Bananas. How can I help you? Hi. Can I get 17 tickets to Sam Talent, please? Hi.

Is Dan Friedman there? There's two shows tonight. How many? One at 730 and one at 945. Rand's really selling it. It's Sam Talent. He's so funny. You should see him.

Don't tell him I'm doing the bathtub bit. My favorite's Dana Carvey. He's going to do the bathtub bit. Yeah. He brings a bathtub on stage and they fill it with milk. No, dude, I'm lying. That's not what happens. But he is very funny.

I'm interested. What if I bring a bathtub? He's like, I'm not coming. You can just make reservations at gobananascomedy.com. It's B-Y-O-M. Yeah. Bring your own merch. I'll sign anything.

Yeah. All right, cool. You don't have to buy them online. You can buy them at the door, but you make reservations online. Unless it sells out. So the staff knows. Much like Sam did two years ago.

Yeah, in case he does a bathtub bit, do bring a jug of milk. Alright, cool, man. We'll see you tonight. God bless you. Alright. That's just a little preview into the job I do. What was the guy's name? Squanch Jeremy. Whoa, Squanch

called? That's cool. Squanch Osito. Grinkins was here. Grinkins, Mouthman. Igby. Taliban Jack. Grandma Barnaclo. Shipley. See how many you can fit in here. See how many? It wasn't Barnaclo. It was Rakov. Rakov? Yeah.

Whoa. Rakov loved the Jackov. All the Italian fucking pipe fitters. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What was the deal with the barnacle on the brick at the market? My great uncle and his family. Bought a brick. Bought a brick.

That's his legacy is one brick in the street. Yeah, dropping bricks in the market. Mm-hmm. This is what our family left our homeland for. You dumped your whole butt into a bathroom where multiple people OD. All the time. There was a guy that OD'd on my lap. He was like, listen, there's only three stalls,

and I want some privacy when I shoot my sweet sugar into my veins. The smell keeps me alive. And he said, let me sit down first. And I said, I'm sitting down first. I have to poop. And he was like, all right, I'll sit on you. And he did. I heard you sat face to face. Yeah. said, I'm sitting down first. I have to poop. And he was like, all right, I'll sit on you. And he did. I heard you sat face to face.

Yeah. Yeah, he straddled me. Wiener to wiener. That's right. Yeah, he didn't have to take his pants down, but he did. You guys made an Arnold Palmer? I didn't like that. You got chocolate in my peanut butter.

You got peanut butter in my mouth. You got milk in my coffee. That's right. We had a nice latte. God, I hated that latte. That sucked. Well sucked well megan fucked me for the whole day megan told me that and and you got mad at me because you didn't know what a latte was neither did i and i thought it sounds nice so i'm gonna have a latte turns out it's mostly milk it's it's for it's for people who don't like coffee yeah like they like milk yeah yeah but they want

to look like an adult and so they sneak in a little coffee whisperer into a jug of milk so yeah we we had every right to uh the coffee shop weren't very like fun because i i you know i try to spice it up a little bit you know i got the pip vipers on i'm ready to get nasty yeah payton's right there payton's right there i gotta impress her and so i i was ordering our coffees and i said can i can i get an iced coffee with just a gentleman's whisper of almond milk and uh he went what and i said can i get a gentleman's touch of almond milk and he was like does that mean like a little amount i was like put a little bit of almond milk in it and he was like don't make me come over there and take something from you he was like stop riffing i'm not a gentleman i it. Don't make me come over there and take something from you. He was like, stop riffing.

I'm not a gentleman. I'm NB. I got the pit vipers out. I was ready to fucking shoot my venom. Just spit at him. I'm spitting cobra. Put a little bit of almond milk in there before you get bit. I've got one ready.

I've got one ready. It stays ready. It's a big steak. You gleek. Yeah. Yeah, you gleek. Remember when gleeking was the talk of the school bus?

Man, when you got gleeked on the back of your neck and you were like, either it's raining or somebody's got a crush on me. Yeah, man. Gleeking was a big deal. That was tough.

I couldn't do it. It was like before people had tits, gleeking was what you knew about. How you filled an afternoon. Yeah. Yeah. Before you had access to Cinemax. Yeah, me and the boys used to gleek up Scantron cheats all over Mount Huffington.

Oh, yeah. We used to love to gleek. M.H. Yeah. Represent. M.H. represent. Mount Huffington till I die. Go turtles. Go fighting owls. Fighting owls. Yeah. Represent. MHH represent. Not healthy till I die. Go turtles.

Go fighting owls. Fighting owls. Yeah. The fowls? The fighting owls. You were the fowls. No, we're the fighting owls. M-H-H-S.

Fowls. Fighting owls. What was the town next to you where that fucking bigot was from? Colerain. Colerain. I'm from Colerain. They're the Colerain Cardinals. That's really cool.

I was the Elizabeth Cardinals. Oh. So I'm with them. Was Colerain a They're the Colerain Cardinals. That's really cool. I was the Elizabeth Cardinals, so I'm with them. Was Colerain a bunch of trash? Yeah, yeah. It's like Mount Healthy was pretty mixed, and then Colerain was like- Don't say mixed. Okay, it was predominantly black high school. Okay, that makes sense. Hell yeah.

And then- So you came out of there. Yeah. Yeah. God. makes sense and then and then so you came out of there yeah yeah god and then colerain was all like the white dudes that like drove like trucks with nutsacks on them that were like that would blast the n-bomb at walmart because they they had the walmart oh shit mount healthy had a boost mobile and they had a cultural exchange yeah so we'd go to the walmart to get our pants

and then they'd come over the pot so you can watch the pants they'd to the Walmart to get our pants and our pots. And then they'd come over there. You need the pots so you can watch the pants. They'd come over there to get their next hell chirps. God, I thought those phones were so cool. Yeah, so did I. I had one. I didn't have one. I fucking loved one.

I wasn't allowed. I had a T-Mobile sidekick and I had a next hell chirp. I had the sidekick, of course, because I was staying in the pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the cool skate dudes with camo pants had sidekicks, so I had to get one. God damn. What a time. Was that the only, it was mostly for texting?

It had the keyboard? Yeah, yeah. And you could get like. It would swing open. It would swing open and you could get on the internet with it. Yeah. And like we thought it was so crazy that you could like look at boobs on the bus if you wanted to. Oh, that was huge.

Yeah, yeah. It was so crazy. Yeah, instead of having to get the T-9000 out, the old Texas instrument, just draw them on there. Yeah. God, hey, check this out. I got a graph for you. Yeah. Oh!

Whoa! Ken Friedman's here. I'm graphing in. Oh, yeah. You guys have both been horny. No. Lund's been medically horny. I'm just like normal.

Lund needs to see a nurse in the nude. I jacked it. This was covered on the Patreon. I jacked it. Everything's fine. Oh, yeah. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. Get on there and get all the apps that you need.

$5 a month gets you the free app. $20 a month gets you a piece of mail that Lund begrudgingly sends all the time. You can get some garbage. Maybe a hockaloogie into a into a piece of bubble wrap 23 and me find out i'm a feral pig why don't we grandfather was a bridge why don't we shout why don't you shout out our uh sponsor oh shit the sponsor we got a new sponsor everyone well no you do the you do the shirt while i look up doing the shirt the shirt doesn't give us a fucking dime.

Listen, they take care of us. No, they don't. I'm going to wear their shirt at both shows tonight. Great. Seven strong brand shirts. They're not just for fat guys. They're for everyone. They suck.

No, they're great. I love the shirts. Why don't they send me one? I'm a guest. They're great. You have to use the code Chubby50. No, wait. Chubby5 at checkout on the website checkout you get five percent off a shirt the number five percent sure it costs 56 it's a great deal it's a great deal 60 off a shirt yeah no

no shirts are great shirts good guys i love the shirts it's like we never figured out how to get paid but we have a new sponsor now ran you're kind of like a little gross toad person. Rabbit. There you go. Oh, dude, last night when that woman who people were kind of over being there was there outside, a toad hopped by, and Dan immediately was like, I'm going to get him. And she was like, no, no, that's an American toad. I know what to do.

And then she told us a toad story, and Dan was like, can I have him still? Dan comes up and puts the toads by the pond, and I've told him a million times Toads can't swim. No, Toads are... Don't put them on a lily pad. Yeah, they're Arctic. But we have a new sponsor, Nathan. I know I'm excited about this. I'm excited to hear about it.

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All right. That's a fourth of the biscuit. McDonald's fans. Yes. Quarter pound sauce.com. QP sauce.com. That's not what it is. Quarantine project sauce.

I'm literally looking at it right now. Yeah, I'll bet you are. QP sauce.com. And you can put in code chubby to get 25% off your order. Now that's a percentage. Now that's a discount. That's a discount.

They're Denver-based. Their sauces are sugar-free, gluten-free, and vegan for guys like me. Cool dudes. They're really good. Yeah, they're actually good. I use them in my home kitchen all the time. I know there's a bunch of garbage little bottles of hot sauce out there. It's what every guy did while their lady started selling makeup to their friends.

Yeah, that's the natural revolution. It's like, okay, I'm an extreme bacon guy in 2006. Right. And then I got into... Libertarianism. Libertarianism, wearing a flat cap. I was pilled, different colored pills I received. Now I have a jaunty gentleman's beard.

But look, she left. She's not coming back. You were into beard oil. I was into beard oil. I started wearing men's Doc Martens that went past the ankle but not up the calf. Really curious length of boot. And then you're like, okay, what's the move? I'm going to get into my own hot sauces.

Nice. And Rick DeSimone got into hot sauce culture right at the peak of quarantine when everyone was doing it. Instead of adopting a dog, he adopted a couple bushels of jalapeno. Instead of going on a walk or having a personality. Instead of making sourdough bread, he was trying to burn his fucking taste buds. Yeah, he was too fat and uncoordinated for TikTok dances. So that's where quarantineprojectSauce.com. QPSauces.com.

QPSauce.com. 25% off. That's great. Use code Chubby, C-H-U-B-B-Y, Chubby on QPSauce.com. And all that money goes straight in my little hole. You don't get a touch. I get free hot sauce. Can I do my sponsor?

Yeah. Can you do your sponsor yeah sure hey guys this episode of chubby behemoth is brought to you by pit viper sunglasses for bad motherfuckers if you want to stand up 69 your partner and lick the hole that makes you bounce put on a pair of pit vipers and you'll fucking dance to the electric guitar all night through the devil's land. Woo! PitViper.com. Suck it, pig. Now, Ran, yesterday took us into a lesbian-owned outdoors store, which you'd been in before, right? Yeah, I love it.

Yeah, yeah. And we walked in and we were riffing, goofing around, having fun. And then we approached the sunglasses case. And they all descended upon us. From the future. The two women came behind the fucking checkout stand. And then some guy came up and was like, I like the black ones. And I was like, where'd you come from?

Where'd you come from, mustache man? Did you work for Pit Viper? Yeah. Yeah, he had a troublesome earring. But you got talked into them. And I love them. I didn't get talked into them. They spoke to me.

No, no, no. Yeah, no, these are sunglasses for assholes. They swindled your simple brain. Yeah. Are you doing the voice? He's doing the Viper. Hi, my name is Gary Neutron. I'm from Kansas City, Kansas, and today I'll be doing Snake.

It's not really a voice, but we'll hear you out. He's in a basket. Today I'll be doing my inner child. Help me. Thank you. Today I'll be doing Chechnyan. Gorpo, gorpo, gipo. What am I supposed to do with all these dolma leaves?

I'm from a sweatpants country where everyone talks like Dracula. Hello, baby. Sweatpants country? I have to admit, that's it a bit. I did that. I talked about my grandpa. But it's your bit, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you want to talk about how Sam aped your cool pizza

butt? What else is new? I aped that. Yeah, he aped my ass. I aped your cool pizza butt, yeah? Oh, yeah. What else is new? See how I just aped? I aped that for you. Yeah, he aped my ass. I aped that pizza tray. I really wish one of you prolific farters would do that tonight. Well, I did load up on garbanzo beans at the market. Sam, if you ever come to Go Bananas, you need to know that one of the pizza trays have been on his bare naked ass.

Yeah, in my shorts. And we were trying to bounce a fart off of it, so it sounded like a lightning strike. It would have been fucking nuts. Oh, it would have been crazy. The way you fart is you can make that thang talk. It would have been one of those farts when you ever crush your cheeks together and try and fart out the top. I know you have. So I've molded, I've made a bunch of...

Oh, you're talking about the geyser. Three day weekend. I call you have. I've molded, I've made a bunch of... Oh, you're talking about the geyser. Three day weekend. I call it the stinky loaf. Happy Labor Day. This one goes out to all who served. Yeah, but if you smush them together and you can get it to go up the top like a zipper

on a shoe. The bottle rocket. Skatopia. Skatopia. We'll do that tonight. We'll work on it. The fart is sponsored by Skatopia. Skate-topia. Yeah? Yeah. Skate-topia. Well, we'll do that tonight. We'll work on it. The fart is sponsored by Skate-topia. Yes. It might be a Sunglass Sunday situation. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, you put a crumbed pizza tray down the back of your head. It was covered in crumbs because you guys didn't save me a slice, which was nice of you. We did save you a slice. No, we ate them. We ate them. We ate them. We ate them.

There were only eight pieces, so each had four. Sam was on stage. He had had rice. He had had garbanzo beans. He had a pickle. Yeah, he went to Tandor and munched. Yeah. I offered everyone some munchables.

You didn't offer anybody any of your Tandor. I wanted kofta kashari, but they didn't have any. I'll be doing kofta kashari. I am from Saginaw, Michigan, and I'll be doing Kofta Kashari. My name is Gabe Rutledge. I'm from East Lansing, Michigan. And this one's a little thing I call Mystery Voice. Hi.

The masked voice. Yeah. Hello, Bobby. What you got to do to me? That's the guy from Sugar Ray, Mark McGrath, and he was doing Zimbabwe. Wow to what you say. So that's another episode of Chubby Behemoth. Thank you.

Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth. Rand, thank you for being here. Thank you to the Chubb Reddit for voting me the best. Yeah, the favorite guest in the history of the Chubby Bee. I was tired today. I appreciate you carrying the Chubb Reddit for voting me the best. Yeah, the favorite guest in the history of the Chubby B. I was tired today. I appreciate you carrying the load. I got to go up there and do another fucking rift off the top two hours of standing up comedy. You're always so tired.

You have maybe gout and diabetes. No, I just fucking riff my sets instead of just looking at my notebook like a U2. Beep, beep, beep. He said the N word. No, he didn't. You went full Coleridge. You know what's fun to call Kimbrel? The Letard.

Oh, yeah. That's good. Ran, where can they find you? You're very funny. I love you. What do you got? I love you, too. I'm on Instagram.

Just follow me on Instagram, at Ran Barnaclow. And I got a Helium Studios special coming out in October. Yes, you do. Do you already film that? Please, all the chubbos. Yeah, I filmed out in October. Yes, you do. Do you already film that? Please, all the chubbos. Yeah, I filmed it in May. Oh, cool. So all the chubbos, please just go on the comments and be like,

Love you on the podcast. Yeah. I don't have any tooth. Brent Gill did that with a Viagra in his body. Oh, he did? The Helium thing. Yeah, he got like half chubbed. Damn good for him.

Well, he said he didn't get chubbed, but I'll bet he did. Maybe not just fully torched. I did it with a full loaf in my pants. You took X-Lags? No, I took shit out of the toilet and put it in my underwear. It wasn't even yours. It wasn't even mine. You brought it from Cincy?

It was from the woman's bathroom. Who loafed? Who loafed my cutoffs? One of these guys is stinking up the joint. Yeah, I took a loaf from Cincy all the way to Philly. Yeah, you brought it up there in a to-go box. I was like, I just need to get prepared. That's your carry-on?

Yeah. It was a tepid loaf? I have a stinky carry-on. I brought it through the machine, but I don't think you want to search it. Is this food? It was. Show ransom love. I appreciate you carrying the load today.

Lon, you were great as always. Thank you so much. Thanks for all the stuff I just ordered with your Office Depot card. Hey, man. What? I got some toner coming. What, you need three ring binders? I got a bunch of toner. It's black. Hi, my name is coming. What, you need three ring binders? I got a bunch of toner. It's black.

Hi, my name is Betsy Gerf. I'm from Honolulu, Hawaii. I'll be doing Hawaiian. My name is Wayne Figlet. I'm from Minneapolis, Minnesota, and I'll be doing black. It starts.

Give me back my phone. Minnesota and I'll be doing black. Starts. Give me back my phone. Thank you.