Chubby Behemoth - Nathanlund.com

Episode Date: February 18, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Won't Stop A Yappin'. Tucker Max Guy. Santa's A Baby.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth    

Oh, look at this old tumbleweed that just came rolling into town. There he is, the Tommy Knocker himself. Hey, get rid of that awful picture of me. I hate that. That's the worst evidence of my existence ever. That's you on top of the world. That was like my peak at that moment. That was the best I ever did. Winning the Denver County Knockworst Eating Championship.

What a swerve that was. You think you're just getting regular old hot dogs. You're like, this one is a pork and veal knockworst. Okay. Probably shouldn't have 22 of these. Too late. They're like, what? The competition hasn't started.

Oh, mine are all gone. How'd you eat them in the time it told us to tell you what they were? Well, I ate ones too. Good God, this guy's a prodigy. So I'm glad to see you guys again. This is nice. Yes. It's nice to be friends with each other.

Everyone looks cool. Yeah. Yeah. again this is nice yes it's nice to be friends with each other everyone looks cool yeah yeah becker has a real cool like uh becker looks like one of those guys who was remember that taxi driver we had in chicago who like came over to america from russia to play like saxophone and a rockabilly band oh yeah yeah becker has i play saxophone in a rockabilly band here and I'm loving it. Nice. Yeah. Really brought it together. Um,

anyone have any fun adventures last night? No, no. I tried to safely. I tried dominoes, new tater tots. Jesus Christ guys. Just buy a bullet and rent a gun.

Come on. I asked you if you did anything cool uh domino's has a new entree vu in the world of miniature snackables yeah how were they they were pretty decent i liked them loaded with cheese and bacon so they're covered in some kind of like scab of cheese and bacon yeah and then run through the heater oh yeah run me through the garden hang me up wet i had a uh basket of pretzel bites last night delightful gotta say nice i'm aware comedy works downtown what were you doing down there uh i was opening for ari shaf. Nice. I hosted for Ari. Brian Simpson featured. But fun shows. Great guys.

Rick Kearns and Wendy were in the green room the whole time. Doing what? Well, Wendy was there being nice and telling fun stories. And Rick was not shutting the fuck up the whole time. It was, dude. Okay. do you want to paint the picture of who rick kearns is lund uh yeah he was um a fixture of denver comedy for a long time 38 years in the business traveling a lot when we were starting out and then he was around all of a sudden he like wasn't traveling and was uh right helping working for ron white he was cable guy ron white's helper that damn puppet act that gave me a million dollars and then took it all away but yeah he uh perryader, I believe. He went back to his roots, which was just kind of...

Rippling depression and alcoholism. Yeah, do a new talent night is what I meant. Oh, okay. But yeah, he was a bit of a hermit for a while, and now he's resurfaced. Oh, he's more of a kermit, in that he likes pigs. Sounds like he's doing all right looks like uh looks like gandalf wait till you hear this so he's in my book he's uh in the part of the book that's like the oral history of denver comedy he's the guy that teams up with billy ray shaffer he's literally literally his name he's the guy who throws the

couch off the roof with billy ray And so Rick's there last night. And, you know, he's an old feeble man with more cigarettes than hair. And, you know, Ari and Brian and Wendy are chopping it up. And then old Rick comes rolling in and he starts holding court. He's telling some fun stories, you know, but then he just keeps talking. And Wendy asked him about, you know you know oh so rick are you seeing anyone lol you know and rick's like no no no i couldn't get it up if you paid me you know what did i have fun back in the day you guys know how it is right you know you're young you're on

the road you're making a hundred bucks half of it's going to blow half of it's going to something to make you go to bed so uh there was this girl named Paige. God, she was 18. I was 30. She was a waitress at the Des Moines Funny Bone. You know how that is, guys. You know it was a different time, but it's not too different from now. And, man, she, I just loved her. And Wendy's like, I remember Paige.

She was great. And he's like, yeah, yeah, God, she was so sweet, sweet in every way. Her hands were soft. And that wasn't the only thing that was soft let me tell you anyway we had to break up uh i was like oh no uh he was like he was like she was 18 i was 30 and i was like rick i don't know if this is the romantic story you think it is he's like hold on hold on and he doesn't have his teeth in somehow. He's like missing teeth. He's all gap mouth bass. He's a real soul.

Yeah. He looks like the guy from Tales from the Crypt, but with glasses on. He's just in there bobbling. Yeah. And, you know, we had to break up, you know, because she couldn't let me. She couldn't let me close. She ended up going to therapy. I got her the best therapist that they had at drake university over there in des moines and then she came home and she said i had multiple personality disorder

and i was like well yeah i knew that no shit duh you know she's like yeah yeah i guess the therapist thinks that um i suffered a lot of trauma as a kid she says that i was raped by my dad for years rick's like what what do you mean how do you know that she's like well she asked me all these questions and uh i guess i answered yes to all the right ones um you know she said uh so um do you have a hard time letting people close yes you know that uh Do you have a hard time orgasming during intercourse? Yeah, yeah, you know how that is. Do you have arthritis? Yeah, you know how I have arthritis.

And she has arthritis because she spent her childhood balled up in terror, wondering when daddy was going to come in and take her again. So I'm like, yeah, this definitely isn't a romantic story, Rick. So he realizes what's going on and he keeps talking and then he comes he goes outside saying you stole a cigarette still and i was like uh no but i'll come out there with you and we go outside in the back of comedy works and he grabs me he grabs me by the shirt what am i doing i can't shut up i have a problem i went for years without

talking i was so alone now i get out there's something wrong with my brain i don't know what's going on in there the synapses are all crisscross i'm wacky up here sam i'm wacky what am i doing i know i'm not doing well i know it's a bad story what am i talking about i've been there telling a story about an 18 year old who had arthritis from getting raped by her dad oh what am i doing i don't know i can't stop there's something wrong with my head i got it tested i don't have dementia i don't have alzheimer's all i got is this fucking mouth and it won't stop a yap i know i'm bombing in there you gotta stop me give me a signal throw a towel over my face like you're trying to make a baby go to bed that's how he makes babies go to bed puts a towel over him like a bird he says it works it worked on the leaves

oh man it was it was great to be in there with rick just watching a bomb in front of ari and brian that was like uh i don't did i i think i talked about talon when he hosted for john heffron a few months back he would not shut the fuck up yeah and then and john is like john had told us that he had been dealing with uh vertigo he got like really bad vertigo on stage and it like you know obviously was like terrifying he like didn't know which way the the stage exit was and so he just kind of stood there frozen and the mc like came out and was like hey let's get you over here so he's like worried about that and trying to get ready to go up there and talon just won't shut his goddamn mouth just talking about everything nothing riffing

dishing and uh when you got a rick-esque problem when it comes to green room jabber jaw oh yeah just would not shut up and then he goes out there uh bukely was featuring so he went out there to take her off and and bring john up and so while he was out there john is like my god i haven't had a fucking second to get ready for this show oh i think i did mention it because then christy and i were ready to go and so we told talent like a few minutes after john went on stage we told talon hey we're gonna get out of here and he's like all right i'll walk you out it's like no god damn it stay here it was wild uh yeah i mean talent talon fucking talent just imagine how much pussy talent saucerman got in north dakota between like 1999 and 2005 he must have been cream of the

just just fucking he must have been slept slept 22 hours a day and then the other two hours a day he was just nutting like just cleaning up yeah just a big cleaning on messes hay bale tossing son of a bitch with a beer in his back pocket and his lip packed with jaw you know quintessential north dakotan man yeah well he comes down here to the big city and he can't say slurs and everyone wants you to shut up every 12 minutes i think it's that he's he said that he lives in the suburbs with his wife and so he doesn't see and he doesn't do a ton of stand-up so when he does he just fucking he goes full kerns and just jabbers.

And then it's like, what am I doing? I don't think he has that awareness. I don't think he ever says, what am I doing? He gets home and he's like, what did I do? God damn it. Leave him wanting more saucer men. Yeah. The saucer man.

He's the saucer man. Yes. Interesting last name. Saucer man. Yeah. I think his family came over and they uh they just provided milk to all the hungry farmer's wives becker liked it milk and towels milk and towers yeah towels towers for the children towels towers put a towel on the kid give the wife some sauce yeah yeah you're on to the next

village you go to the pool you get a tower you tower off it's good i didn't talk about this uh oh here we go breaking news do a blind eye no megan's that megan's dad has one foot now got the other foot lopped off we thought he he was going to die. He was very sick. Yeah, that's why we only had the one Patreon last week, everyone, and one wasn't on the pod. We'll make it up this week. But, yeah, I'm glad you're willing to talk about this. Yeah, it was scary. Was supposed to go to New Mexico for a Trinidad lounge staff retreat and watch everybody get wasted.

But instead, Megan and I went up to Denver, scared that he was going to pass away. What a strange coincidence. You got out of doing something you didn't want to do. I did want to go on the staff retreat. Yeah. I was looking forward to it. But instead, you had to go on a staff infection yeah i was looking forward to it you would have been on a staff infection retreat that's right yeah uh his little how you can kick his ass for sure yeah finally also i don't know if it was too soon but like it was the next day after he got his foot

taken off we went in there to say bye before we headed back to trinidad and i was like so how long until the foot grows back and that kept that like kept cracking me up because i imagine like a little tiny foot that slowly grew he was like there's something on my shoulder that's bugging me and i was like oh they they're growing the foot on your shoulder until it's ready to go onto your leg meanwhile creech's crying her brother's relapsing and you're riffing on the foot no there's no crying because he was okay the infection didn't go into his heart which was a concern because he's a he's the kind of guy that i guess i do similar things where you're you're very sick or something's wrong and you're like oh i'm not gonna do any to people i'm not gonna do anything about it uh and so i he was at home just like feeling like shit and then eventually uh his

wife was like you should go to the hospital and he was like yes i should and she was like oh shit she knew then she was like hey your blood reeks uh we gotta do something about this rats are trying to chew off your foot so we should probably get that looked at and he's like it's fine you should have just let mama in there for 10 minutes you would have saved the hospital mama go munch on uncle or what's the grandpa actually go clean grandpa's toes yeah i was scared for you and it seemed like you were more concerned for this than when your own father passed away i don't i don't i guess i mean yeah i thought it was nice of you okay there for your old lady well yeah yeah i had to get her up to denver being sincere

quit laughing back here i'm telling the truth i was laughing at nathan being confused by your sincerity oh yeah yeah that was his his face wrinkled up okay yeah i did the same thing did the same thing for both dads which rolled your eyes to be uh emotional a couple of times but then to be logical the rest of the time and be like well it's time it's time i guess it sucks but what are you gonna do it's not my fault nobody can be mad at me i didn't give my dad cancer i didn't give my father-in-law uh broken foot syndrome i don't know he said he has bfs he hasn't filled his hands or feet in 20 years. He just like went went numb from like a lifetime of just like crushing the bones in his extremities through being a mechanic, I guess. And then does he have diabetes?

He has diabetic nerve pain. He has neuropathy. It's very neuropathy, but it's not from diabetes. It's from being a tough dude. I don't know. I'm a size 13, but I like these nines more. So I've been wearing them for about 20 years. John Wayne syndrome.

These fucking Air Force Ones make me look sick. And they also made me sick. Take my foot. Hey, Satan, keep it warm for me. I'll be seeing you soon. Take my foot, please. But yeah, it was nice to go up there and get some good news yeah also uh megan and her mom are excited for my special to come out because of the mask joke where i blast

megan's uncle uncle mike oh mike yeah megan's uncle is uh her mom's brother and yeah he gonna get it no could have been on her dad's side douche no i'm sure all those people have already died from foot loss long ago uh some of them are still bumping into each other how's he gonna get around now he's gonna get one of those like mobility scooters or like a big novelty foot that looks kind of like godzilla's that'd be cool he says a huff like a pig man he's got to figure out the prosthetic and his leg has gone below the knee because they don't i thought they were just going to take the foot but i'm not gonna say the ankles are so complicated that they don't they don't leave all of that dangling the intricacies of the ankle veins are insane yeah yeah yeah it's bad news down there so that's all gone oh he's

had phantom limb pain which i remember hearing about uh in college and that is weird because he's looking at something that's gone but it's still giving him pain because your brain is so stupid yeah it's more like heartbreak than anything else so i think all the good times we had me in that foot it's like when you break up with an old lover and you're like she was bad to me but god she sucked me real that's how he feels about his foot that she could honk the pigment off a cock but she stabbed me a couple times in the leg but her dad touched her yeah she was so she was so tight what am i doing she's got arthritis from getting raped by your dad what's the deal just turn the lights off that's what he said just turn

the lights off if i saw you ever go to the light switch turn it off ari's in that Tucker Carlson thing that I think just aired about comedy. The death of comedy. God, what? Yeah. Ari's in the trailer. What's the death of Tucker Carlson? Yeah. He had something to air on Fox, I think, yesterday.

Jesus Christ. Yeah. So Ari's complaining. He's ruined meanwhile it's selling out every show he sold out 11 shows at comedy works i doubt he's complaining everybody's on there being very smart as he is yeah sure suck his dick oh yeah why don't you condemn something you haven't seen from a guy you don't know that makes more sense i do know he i heard his closer for a special eight times when we were in austin yeah and i can imagine not everybody likes it and according to him that means that they're stupid you don't know that you haven't

seen this thing you just told me about even though apparently you love the new fox network because you brought up last time and didn't know her name was rosanne i'm a news max guy also i know tucker max guy her name is rosanne i don't think she just goes by rosanne on stage yeah she her shirt well her first name that was actually rosanne bar was an abbreviation her first her whole name was rosanne bar syndrome but she doesn't do that anymore what is that uh epstein-barr syndrome is a disease yeah sorry where you think that little kids are hot no no it's like long mono isn't it it's something it's oh wait i keep forgetting to issue a challenge to bring this up what yeah indian leg wrestle uh uh somebody reached out and said that uh somebody creached out we kept talking about lupus and ticks and i said how lupus is uh hereditary and lyme disease is what you get from ticks i know we biffed it luckily nobody knew except one guy

well i was set straight about that in Tuscaloosa. You were in the back licking your wounds, and I was trying to do the lupus thing. The lady was like, no, you idiot. Lupus is an autoimmune disorder. Lyme disease comes from ticks. And I was like, Lyme disease comes from ticks. And I did the worm, and I saved it. Made it to lunch.

Yeah, I did. I went up and gave her the two in the ear. I asked Greg Cherry. lunch yeah i did i went up and gave her the two in the yeah i asked greg cherry so thank you greg for making me feel stupid thank you greg i appreciate that great door person there at the comedy fort greg cherry legendary embezzler he's scraping the cream lifts weights i think he's one of these comics that's in good shape which is always annoying i hate that yeah pass yeah uh but yeah we biffed it and squiffed it and now we have to make amends i don't care we have to we have to cure one or both look if you get bit by a tick i'll suck the juice out that's as far as i'm gonna go look if you get bit by a tick i'll suck the juice out that's as far as i'm gonna go oh thank you yeah i mean not yeah you is not me the royal the royal you a random stranger yes

me no you just waiting to put my lips on your holes riff until i die also it was dumb that we didn't remember any of that because Mara went through all of that shit. Yeah. But that was a lifetime ago. I've moved on. Yeah. I don't see her as somebody who struggled with Lyme disease. I just see her as my friend.

Talented comedian. The lady who has them and makes me laugh. In that order. The boss bitch with cool tits. That's t-shirt merch yeah yeah so no one can be mad at us for just acknowledging good brain did you guys know how many calories are in like eight pistachios 100 like 160 fucking calories and damn i'm over here crushing pistachios left and right every time i walk to the kitchen and i'm like oh i'm eating healthy then you do the math and you're like oh jesus it's like fucking 800 calories of pistachios a day yeah but boy it really i don't know if you

guys are hip to fiber lund i've seen you eat becker. You probably you're busy eating. Maybe you eat the box from Domino's. You get some fiber. But man, it is a revolution. I cannot get enough five. You get a supplement. Are you trying to eat fiber rich foods or what? Well, being like, you know, vegan or whatever, you just pound a bunch of like I already had like two handfuls of green beans and a whole can of garbanzo beans this morning. I eat a can of bonzos every day. That's my key to longevity and long, happy life. Also, staring into the sun, you look like you're looking directly at an eclipse. Yeah, I don't know why this is happening. You just look like a ghost.

I do, and I look like the moon right now. I look like a Japanese oni. Yeah, yeah. You look like japanese oni yeah yeah tell us something from the other side we have the foot the foot's on the other side it reeks over here take it back that's a translation of course um yeah i don't know wendy was in the green room last night it was nice i'm glad i get along with her now do you she's really sweet to me and i i like that because that green room means a lot to me yeah i love that green room i thought maybe uh uh i thought maybe thick skin Skin was Monday night.

And so I was going to see about trying to do it, but it was not. It's, I think, monthly. And there wasn't a show. And so I didn't go down there, but it made me want to get in there. It's been a while. I think Pat Richardson and Ben Duncan were on that show, so the green room was full. Yeah, that was like the week before or something.

It would have been nice, though, to see some folks. Anytime I see posts about comedy works, it makes me think of the good old days when we were there all the time oh yeah and our only thing was like climbing that ladder trying to get just a sweet little nibble of pussy that was the whole thing especially with uh it's the baby with the funny final four happening uh are you doing one of those no it's made me think about those days and uh hanging out

with christian we talked about how we were um well we kind of knew how good we had it dr kev always says we didn't know but we did well he didn't know because he has alzheimer's he forgot he doesn't remember a lot of i don't remember how good i had. I don't remember how good I had it. I don't remember where my house is. What am I? Yeah, the good old days. I think we were pretty good at not taking them for granted. I mean, that's not true, though, because every Wednesday when we had our great institution known known as too much fun our awesome show that was all ages in the art space above the cool restaurant it'd be like 10 30 maybe like oh fuck i don't want to do this we would

walk over from sharpie's house and be like this sucks what the fuck god damn it yeah i'm not saying on tonight josh blue and dave chappelle fuck well what's the opening gonna be i guess it's been windy today i'm not saying we appreciated it every every time every moment but i also don't think we did the typical completely oblivious to to it being a good time we reveled we enjoyed we weren't uh just constantly complaining about what we didn't have so that's good oh man uh i agree with you on all that i just remembered this um last night rick of course when he goes to leave rick kearns legendary possum of comedy he's been playing dead and then he comes back comes back for all your heart pills yeah he says he's leaving he's like you know Ari you sold out 11 shows Chappelle only sold out 10 it's amazing what

you've done here you know and I'm just really happy I've been a fan for a long time I've watched all your stuff and I just it's really it's really great that the world's finally gonna go the name ari schaefer and ari was like yeah i hope that they know my name too though that'd be that'd be good and rick goes to leave and you hear him say god fuck he puts his head through the door yeah goes old jack nicholson as the door was shutting ah fuck you should have pulled a mandy and meant god damn it what am i talking about he did he mandied me outside yeah but just you mandy uh came clean in front of everybody she was like what the fuck oh man it was so funny also you didn't have a cigarette huh uh no i didn't have a smoke well he smokes uh true menthols which are disgusting

okay you know like i've been like very if i have one every now and then i'll have i only want an american spirit that's my new thing menthol or a light blue a yellow if i have to but i've been very very uh good about smoking cigs out there and drinking beers man i've been a fucking good guy i'm really proud of the whole i haven't been like tossed on the road in a long time did you do uh time it's been like a month but did you do when that's a long time did you do wednesday thursday with ari and now you're done no because i was supposed to do wednesday he offered me the whole weekend but oh right this is the one weekend you're going to be home you got to be with me all weekend we got to wake up and look at our phones um so uh yeah i i couldn't do wednesday because i had to do that

aids benefit over there at the stink parlor you know so you had to get aids yeah i had to go get aids to prove that i'm an ally god the extent it's not go through it's not a death sentence get up here put it in well it's kind of like hey what are we doing who's this money going to there was two guys with aids there in the front row and i was like these guys are healthier than me but gotta make sure they live to be 90 what are we doing they were like oh you bitch come on boys are you ready fuck oh pat has a new song he's been singing you want to hear it yeah hey pat come sing me a song for the boys tell him to send me my shirt is it a song about putting a shirt in the mail for your friend

oh yeah have you sent london's shirt yet you fucking embezzler no god damn it he's so busy sing your song hold on i'll give you some of these earphones all right ladies and gentlemen you don't know him you don't love him pat richardson y'all hey everybody uh so this is a christmas song it's um it's in the it's a russian guy singing santa baby but he thinks it's about an actual baby santa baby you are so little and cute oh yeah santa's a baby put him down the chimney he's small you got another you got any more bars i need to sit down and like arrange it i think i don't think you need other projects you gotta

work on i came home last night at like 1 a.m and pat was in my little area over here working on stuff and then he blasted that and i was like oh. I was laying in bed at like 3 a.m. Just giggling at Santa's a baby. Santa's a baby. Goo goo gaga. That's what he says. He's got 10 months to flesh it out. Yeah, you got plenty of time, Pat, to make that a banger.

Christmas only comes once a year. Christmas 2023. He'll have once a year. Christmas 2023. He'll have it ready. Day after Thanksgiving. I have a new song too. Clip, clop, monkey drop. Monkey drop. Yeah. Clip, clop,

monkey drop. Oh, shit. I forgot about this. Hey, Lun. Yes. So the other day uh while i was working on my website i went to i just wanted to check out and see if nathanlund.com was available have you been to nathanlund.com was available have you been to nathanlund.com no i mean i think i had it briefly well let's see what's on nathanlund.com now can you see my screen yeah okay what the fuck what the hell redirects to donaldjtrump.com

yes what the fuck people at home you can type in www.nathanlund.com and hit enter what a nightmare did you do this yes no no i'm sure uh a friend of mine managed nathanlund.com 15 years ago for like a year and a half and i had i had it as a website but it must have just gotten bought well bought by who trump he heard you he heard your hot takes on the pod he's like i, I know. I'll get my revenge. You know what, though? Maybe NathanLundComedy.com is available. Let's see.

Oh, nope. Jeez, that sucks. Oh, Jeez, that sucks. Still Donald J. Trump. Yeah, what the fuck? I don't think that my former webmaster would have done that. Who was your webmaster? My friend Monica. That's a racist term.

Webmaster. My friend Monica. That's a racist term. Oh, Becker had to mute himself because he's going to throw up. I'm going to puke. This is so funny. Oh, my God. Why were you targeted by Trump's people?

Who knows? As if people who are looking for you online are gonna be like i couldn't find one this guy seems pretty cool this guy is complicated he doesn't seem to be a trump guy on the pod but all roads lead to both of them are you 2024 yeah that's weird and sucks what are you gonna do probably nothing if you're playing along at home folks go to www.nathanlund.com or nathanlundcomedy.com Have a little laugh with us. Yeah, that's weird. I don't know who, how.

Failed UFC fighters. Pertolant Brute. What the hell is that? Pertolant Brute is my new project. It's the new thing I'm writing. 39ers, clores yep to to open this uh zoom window i had to uh get rid of a difference between m11 and tech 9 so i've been learning a lot over here but there you go guys whoever did that thank you thank you for that far some hilarity

somebody would have to buy it and then i don't know that's wild i'm glad that you stumbled upon that does it make you happy no it sucks it sucks and i hate it but uh what are you gonna do have a website no thanks you might want to have a website since you have a special coming out what should i call it what should i do for a website like yeah i'm not gonna buy fucking either domain from trump fan 69 the squatters who were there oh boy it's got to be a chubby chaser right it has to be it's got to be yeah i feel like they would have revealed themselves because it's funny you don't you don't uh hide that under a bushel basket do you uh don't hide your light under a bushel gotta let it shine i was showing everyone that at the super bowl we had the super bowl up here and people would come in one by one i'd be like hey bory love you man hey do me a favor uh check

www.nathanlund.com and then one after another just a dunk, continuous rim shaking slam dunk. Why did you put, why did you look that up just to see what it was? Yeah, just to, I don't know. I didn't know if you had a website yet because your special is coming out. No. You must have angered the wrong bunch, man. You got tangled up with some nasty individuals. You make one donation in 2016

and it's like ripples throughout time. Imagine donating to Biden. That's funny. Yeah. I'm doing the right thing. That's rules. Just a sincere Biden fan is very funny to me. Everyone shut up.

Joe's talking. He's wearing the hat. Did Biden even have merch? What was Biden's slogan? Yeah, he had merch. Biden 2020. You kind of have to. What are you going to do?

Stay home? Yeah. I don't remember. We tried the other guy. Or we're together. I don't remember. We tried the other guy. Or we're together. I don't know. Something stupid, probably. There were all those ads with this Corvette. Oh, yeah.

And you voted for him just because he had a cool car. No. Yeah, you did. That's not why. Oh, yeah. You didn't vote. It's a green cocaine Corvette. Sticking it to the libs.

It's not even cool. I don't know anything about cars, it turns out, guys. I see a car, I think that's a car. That's as far as it goes. That's great. Just like what you like. It's the depth of my knowledge. You know what kind of car I like? One that goes

vroom vroom. I like one that's warm and when I put my butt on it when I put my bare ass on it to fart to impress a girl heats up my cheeks that's what I like oh Becker the tailpipe of my Impala fell off is that bad

it like broke off after fucking Pat had it for a week oh great yeah you know the part that sticks out underneath the bumper yeah that snapped off that would did the muffler go with it or was it just the pipe it's just the pipe it was probably just corrosion you can probably go get one welded on without too much of a hassle do i need one on there or is this like what a cool guy would do if you take it off behind the muffler,

it'd be a lot louder. Well, but am I going to like pass away from asphyxiation? No, there's no lead and gas anymore. What if I back into a snow bank? Then yeah. Yes. What if I had just shoved a bunch of t-shirts in there last night on my drive down?

Just hoping you wouldn't have to do the show. Yeah, yeah. This show's too much fun. i don't want to hang out with rick and ari but yeah it's probably just that it spent its whole time in michigan yes rusted the fuck off okay all right good speaking of michigan everyone hey i'm gonna plug this because it's organic march 3rd i am at amore in grand rapids first show sold out second show get those tickets because they're gonna go and then hey march 4th why not come see me at the blind pig in ann arbor i'm headlining the treetown comedy festival that's a big ass room i think best sellings there the night before get those tickets because my sister-in-law keeps telling me it's a big room

you think you can kill it oh dude i didn't tell you guys about me and susu i spent four days with her in san diego holy shit hannah left on sunday i got there on sunday we had her until i left on thursday she is down with the clown and she liked to say what up to cobra x-men and counts and everybody with clown love even said she's never heard of she's a juggalo no what i'm saying is she likes me now i was like what yeah what the fuck are you on about what you don't have to hurt yourself anymore for her to like you yeah i don't have to eat a light bulb and weed out of my mouth for her to be like very good no she likes me she let me hold her and carry her around i took her to the botanical gardens

it was it was very good we were holding hands on the beach i posted a just tremendous photo of that she likes to tickle my feet and then i fake laugh even when i'm wearing shoes. She's not that smart yet. She's two and a half. She's really come around. God, it feels good. It's a big victory. It's tough to play that game and just be like, oh yeah, I can't look at her or talk to her or else she starts crying. You started off on the wrong foot with uh kristen and wes's kids by trying to jump out from behind a curtain and scare a two-year-old she didn't like

that she loved it she was manipulating me all little people manipulate me because they know they can get away with it because i can't club them over the head and drive them into the ground like a railroad tie that's the thing about a baby it's like you've got until about four years old to come around on me or i'm gonna break you in half i'm gonna i'm gonna pop the fucking head off your shoulders like a mexican coke bottle all right so just know that if you're a baby listening to this right now you better be nice to me all right or i going to bring hell down upon your little diapered ass. Becker keeps laughing.

I wish we had the laugh track of Becker, but any time he gets going, he has to mute himself because he has emphysema. It's the coughing that he's muting. I don't think anybody wants to hear him almost puke. Whenever he laughs really hard, he starts spinning in his chair. He's propelled around from all the exhaust coming out what if we all got a cool car and we took different months with it that would be bad what do you mean like oh we pitched on one car yeah what if we got like a 2011 sebring. Okay. But what about a cool car? The epitome of cool cars.

The top comes down. How about a 2023 Supra manual? No, no, no. Think about it. We're sitting in the Sebring. All right. We pull up to the show. Our name's on the marquee.

Joey Behemoth live at Madison Square Garden. All right. Poor show. Sold out. Yeah. Poor show. Sold out. Yeah. I honk the horn and instead of a horn noise, it says, dump them out.

And then I hit the switch and the convertible top goes back and it's our heads. All right. But we've shaved our heads and we've had nipples adhered to the top of our skulls. So everyone just thinks

it's a couple of boobs driving around a badass sebring we've literally we've dumped them out because our heads are tits that's right okay that's exactly what i'm saying i'm back in okay i think a sebring is the coolest car is that stupid yes yeah oh really it's not wrong but it's stupid it makes me think about driving around in a convertible that's named a sebring that's what it makes me think about i mean just yeah when why why do you what made you think that who had one somebody who was cool no so my mom and dad took me and my sister to what was supposed to be disney world but for some reason we didn't go to disney world and we went to anna maria island florida i think my mom and dad like arm wrestled for it and my dad lost so we went to anna maria island

and at the i remember we flew into i think tampa and we went to get a rental car and they were like look we know you got a rental booked but but we don't have any cars for you. We only have one car left. And my mom, who was the fucking greatest at getting what she wanted from people was like, sounds like you got a car and it sounds like we got a reservation. So we'll be taking that car. And the guy like tried to push back and my mom, you know, like fucking broke a bottle of ketchup and held it to his throat. No, but we ended up getting the car and it was a sebring i remember getting in that car and my dad putting the fucking top down and i was driving to anna maria island and like just feeling like my parents are the shit my sister's over there she's eating legos she's all

right look at me a little long-haired stud just ripping ripping through the tampa bay metroplex going to santa maria island to probably i don't know play pinball instead of going to the beach because i'm self-conscious about my body those were the days that's a good reason to like a sebring there's not a ton of four-door convertibles the last americans ones other than the sebring were made in 1975 so it's so long dude it's a long ass car and we could get all of us in there all of us and our bitches just ripping around in the sebring yeah and if we got a 75 everybody think you were trying to act like uh hunter did he have one it's all he drove all he tried biden drove a sebring i gotta fucking kill him all he drove was 75 drove biden drove a sebring i gotta fucking get all he drove was 75 gm convertibles oh fuck yeah dude i want i want a sebring how much are they becker a sebring we

get one for a cool thousand i'm sure no way becker get on it okay in the last 10 minutes of the pod let's see if we can buy one okay yes think about this this is gonna rip and also they get great gas mileage they do they don't they actually did yeah a 2011 is gonna crush it on the highway even the earlier ones they dinky little four cylinders in their front wheel drive dinky little that's then we don't want dinky little dinky little was my favorite jazz man he was a running back for the dallas cowboys in the 70s uh we got to check chevelle's tour date so we can go see him okay well here's what we do becker you find me a seabring yes we follow we follow them like they're fish or the dead

sasha vel's 2023 north american tour like eight eight dates yes norfolk norfolk charleston back to norfolk raleigh they got wraparound dates in norfolk we saw them in all the springfields that they played massachusetts illinois oregon yeah it was nice of them to do both urbandale and springfield illinois before they went off to champagne so normal bloomington also which is just part of normal there's towns in illinois can we name this is like a come town bit from five years ago fuck um so i think that we should do that but you should probably look into chevelle because i am i am pretty jammed i'm fucking airtight with dates over here.

Yeah. Yeah. What do you got, Becker? There's one in Denver for six grand, and I guarantee we could get them down to three, because they're not worth shit. There's one in Kansas for five that we could probably get down to two. If your mom were here, we'd get it for $1,500.

They'd pay us to take it when she got done with them get out of here lady here's 10 bucks there's a 2010 hardtop convertible c-ring for sale in akron colorado which is probably batshit rare and they want 16 for it 16 becker will you be my uh negotiator in this yeah you can get that one down to i have no problem calling someone and being like what do you actually want for the seabird yeah do it will you do it live on the pod stop dreaming call them on the pod call one of them right now because if there's one in fucking kansas i'll get in the car right now and drive out there surprise emily after work i'll pick her up surprise emily she's like the fuck did you do we're like this is what i did and then i hit the top and it rolls back and my head shaved it looks like a boo she thinks she's having a fucking nightmare yeah what the fuck how am i how am i asleep but i'm so awake i'm using an auto broker site so i won't

be able to contact any of these people till probably this afternoon what you can't bring him up he's got a guy no that's how i searched the whole nation that fast i'm using a secret little car guy site becca baby searching the nation real fast for sebrings he's cool yeah it's my favorite website i can locate all of one car in like 30 seconds okay becker how about this should i get a sebring or should i get an 87 lincoln town car 87 lincoln town car or get an 87 ltd two-door and then put a coyote motor in it with a fortnite entry and just have a brand new mustang that looks like your grandpa's car hey read the room i don't know what the fuck you just said you just put all the all the so you're like you're like fucking

touring machine over there from like 1984 till now the panther platform will accept all the mustang shit so you can put all the brand new Mustang parts into an old LTD two door detectives cop car and look like your grandpa, but being something that'll just embarrass people on the highway. I always wanted to look like my grandpa and embarrass people on the highway. Yeah. Sleepers dude. It's a whole,

it's a whole scene. Call them liars. Yeah. They like, they like to try to brand themselves as sleepers but i call them car liars i mean i had an 87 lincoln town car signature series in high school i know those things will get like nine miles fucking to the gallon but oh do you think i can get one for cheap uh cheap ish those have been all the panther bodies have been readapted by i don't want a panther body i want a town car body town car is a panther what yeah the town car the grand marquee and the ford crown victoria and the ltds in the 80s were

all the same chassis it's just different body panels hey if you're a listener and you have access to a late model is that what i want to say well uh and you just say the specific years late model means like right before they quit making it or recent okay i'd like to get a very boxy town car or a sebring convertible and becker's probably going to work really hard on this and locate both of them by the end of the day knowing him because he likes the car based problem he's got to solve yes my favorite please hit us up and let us know if you know an old lady who just committed suicide or a coke dealer who was incarcerated um because i want their cars maybe i'll become a car guy now yeah collect them like leno but they're just random yes just personal connection cars i got laid in this thing so i'd love to have a 94 accord

that's how leno's collection started what he was buying a rental car like he keeps his because he fucked his wife in it like that's why it's special to him he just said what what is leno after dark he did recently say he well i fucked my wife in here i said i'll keep it it smells like her he drove he drove the car up to the spot where he first fucked her oh leno weird isn't he all mangled now didn't he get in like back-to-back horrific acts he's had a couple of fires yeah yeah they canceled his show because he's horrific and he can't look at him he's not camera ready i think i think his uh production insurance skyrocketed after blowing one car up and then wrecking a motorcycle a month or two later oh fuck what's leno gonna do i don't know tour again i mean he's fine he lives in the biggest mansion i've ever seen in like i think he lives it's like right next to

the breakers in fucking burbank newport rhode island no the rhode island is yeah the castle he bought his wife yes dude he hates that thing it's like amazing watching him explain that castle is it makes me think of you. That's what you would be like in 50 years. This makes her happy, I guess. It's fucking cold here. I heard he's going to do a new show called Comedians

in Coffee Getting Cars. They're going to be in a hot tub full of coffee, boiling hot, and searching for cars. He's going to be on the website Jake is on you know and then calling people up sending emails hey i'll give you 2500 what do you think come on out let me fuck my wife in your car i want to make a memory in your car you can keep the car i'll just fuck her in there 2500 he tried to take her back up there and bang her again on their like

50th anniversary and got busted by the people that live there now. Oh, I thought he got in a horrific car crash on the way and burnt her pussy sealed. No, but it was really wild that he told those stories on his show. It's way out of character. Her pussy's sealed shut. I don't know what to do. Bad news. news do you want to promote any more dates uh well you know what i really want to do is get this fucking sebring by the end of the day that'd be sick if i was like well i have the weekend off

i'd be like emmy look here's the deal we can either sit around here and watch lost or up in the car baby we're driving out to garden city daddy's got a little surprise for you did you start lost no i just you know it's a dumb show we've been watching some cool stuff we've been watching last of us that show somebody said he doesn't think it's like been that good christopher john that psycho out in san francisco king of the gypsies christopher john yeah yeah and he literally is a gypsy i'm not being anti-semitic or anti-zygonist that's right uh anti-zygonist don't pin that on me he said it hasn't been that good and i was surprised because i think it's been good they've done a good job how the fuck do you know christopher john's opinion on the last of us

facebook oh dude get the fuck off of there lund no you got bigger fish to fry no i don't yeah you do yeah you do exhibit a i gotta get my website back come on yes who cares i mean you should it's not good yeah it's not great Exhibit A. Am I going to get my website back? Come on. Yes. Who cares? I mean, you should. It's not good. Yeah, it's not great. Nobody. Well, so this is something.

Nobody has let me know about this, which kind of lets me know that no one has entered into their phone. NathanLund.com, except for you. What if I knew who did it? Then tell me. It's you. what if i knew who did it then tell me it's you what if i knew the mastermind you and pat that's what you the beautiful genius behind this maneuver the content lab has been hard at work with this is the project santa is a baby i held him in my arms just last night he cried i had some vodka and put him to bed i want to put santa on the changing table whoever did this is a criminal mastermind who deserves all the respect of his peers

you were laughing so hard it makes me think it wasn't you it wasn't me it was a collab was it during the super bowl that you made that happen or no no it was all right not me yeah uh who was it pat no i don't know whoever did it don't know hats off you just said you know. I said, what if I knew? What a world that would be if I was the ultimate puppet master. It's possible.

Next time I see you, I'll probably torture you and try to get the truth out of you. You're not going to be able to catch me. I'm going to be ripping in that seabring. You're going to be chasing me like a dog. And then as I'm driving, I'm going to put the top back and moon you and on my butt cheeks, two nipples. Sam's got them.

You're so stupid, you think my ass is a pair of tits. There's one in Estes Park for $4,500. How much can we get them down to i don't know maybe 35 it's pretty nice the sebring yeah let's see it oh yeah i can yeah let me see this bad boy yeah pop it up on the old screen ski man i feel like maybe that car was a part of like a homecoming parade oh yeah definitely it's a four-seat can like again you get people back here but yeah that one's 4500 and you can

get people in the back seat says car guy becker well most convertibles claim their four doors are a fucking lie but yeah what else do you got becker show me what tabs does he have anything cool it's a bunch of jbrish it's all john bonnet john bonnet ramsey autopsy what the fuck dude that sucks he's got a tab from rotten.com this hardtop convertible one in akron is pretty cool i don't want to spend i want to spend like no money and like drive it twice drive it into a gorge look at that one that one's in kennesaw nebraska that's close as hell yeah this is the one I think you could get down because this is the less desirable body. It's only two doors. Well, yeah. All the

convertibles are. What? I remember there being multiple doors. No. You don't even remember shit. You got molested on the trip. Yeah, my sister got the last laugh. Aftermarket stereo. Whoa, aftermarket stereo.

That's huge. 12 CD changer. Holy shit. You could be a jazz player? Whoa. TomTom included. TomTom navigation. It comes with a Chevelle cd preloaded it won't come out the second album all right becker you

have to be my car representative okay all right uh hey everyone if you want to be a in the crowd representative come see the sebring uh i'll be in fargo at the i think it's called the comedy cellar i don't know it's fargo i think it's a front street tap room it's in the basement just fucking google sam talent fargo be up to the 24th and 25th those michigan dates the third in grand rapids fourth in ann arbor toronto i'll be up there at the royal comedy theater I think that's what it's called. The Royal theater, uh, the 10th and 11th in Toronto, uh, Vegas, who cares? Um, Oh, the 23rd. Hey, if you live in Providence, Rhode Island, uh, we, I added a show up there and it's at the red door and there's like 35 seats in the room. So get tickets, uh, now, because I don't know if we can add a second show. I don't know.

Burlington, Vermont, the 24th and 25th, the Vermont Comedy Club, the 26th, the New Hartford, Connecticut. And we added a second show in New York City at Union Hall on March 30th. So get tickets to those because this first one sold quick. That's great. Yeah, no, it's all good stuff. I wish you were going to be with me, but you hate me. No, you said I can't come. Well, I just don't know how any of these are going to work. You said Union Hall, and I let my union membership lapse.

You said I would have to sit down with the foreman or something. I said you had to suck my union balls. I'm going to be in Colorado Springs a week from tomorrow, February 25th. Come see me do Pikes Punks, Russell Keller, who just got to celebrate 500 Reddit members in the Chubb Reddit. Yeah. Nicely done, Russ. And then March 17th, patrick's day i will be in denver at the coffee joint i don't know if you can smoke weed in there or maybe outside

but come through and i'll probably try to do a show somewhere on saturday march 18th might as well do the old double dip guess what i'm doing on saint patrick's day getting blackout the dirty at 12 30 in las vegas oh that's right my god that's where i saw that's where i met gallagher and the amazing jonathan and i tried to say something sincere to gallagher like hey you i thought you were great when i was a kid i thought you were so like smart but also silly and you know i'm a comic now and i try to do the same thing and he goes where's the pussy at just hits me with where's the tail i'm gonna recreate that for a young comedian there someone's gonna come up to me and say they read my book yeah where's the fucking fresh hole hey kid here's the keys to my sebring go fill it up with young ripe moist tea

and they better have their fucking head shaved and these nipples attached by the time i get out there oh my god you better keep your head on a swivel it's gonna be st patrick's day vegas dirty at 12 oh my god it's gonna be a bloodbath i know but we're going out there for a wedding and i get two free nights in the casino hotel so that's why i'm doing it um oh yeah hey join the patreon you fucking jerk offs all right we're having a lot of fun over there uh man we're just ripping on the patreon five bucks a month gets you four free episodes you know the goddamn deal at this point just give us five bucks what are you gonna do you spend that on fucking temporary tattoos you know come on you spend that on fucking

little homies figurines i mean let's do this thing yeah save your save your quarters patreon.com slash chubby behemoth get up and learn yep and also go to www.nathanlund.com donation to his campaign 2024 uh you can join the winning team biden has failed now it's time for a new direction. Remember 2017, how cool that was? Yeah. Let's go back to a simpler time. Please clip that.