Chubby Behemoth - Nightly Body Scan

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

Welcome To Gwabo-Gwabo. Hat or Bowl? Gunna Want That Blood Later.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hello, listeners. Welcome to another episode of Chubby Behemoth. I, of course, am your host, Sam Talent, joined as always by my better half, Nathan Lund, and in the booth, our consigliere, Jacob Becker. How are you guys today? Did you do a bunch of Xanax? What are you doing? This is how i've always talked i've been doing a voice you're doing your author voice no this is just how this is the tone that i think in this is the tone that processed the world then i wanted i wanted to capture everyone i wanted to capture the depravity and struggle involved in the middle

of nowhere america nowhere to run little options little education people turning to desperate measures in order to survive as a son of the soil as a proud member of the country community it's my honor to bring the marginalized stories of those that exist on the fringe to the ears and eyes, and most importantly, brains of the big city elites. I've read a few books. I've been a few places. And I've let that inform my journey and has allowed me to feel superior to other dumb motherfuckers out there who might think, am I a piece of shit? And the answer, of course, is yes.

Wubba hubba gwubba. Kabada gwamba. Oopa yako. uh wubba hubba guubba daddy open the pickle jar please i'm exhausted from typing out my newest story it's about a brother and sister who bang one another in the woods is this a hat or a bowl help me which one do socks go on fingies or toesies help me dad uh i'm your boy and i'm dumb as hell but it turns out it's very easy to write a book everyone fell for it god people have always said that you were such a great writer even if you just did like a little dumb facebook post and be like my god what a what what an experience watching you promote

a show in greely colorado it's like god you guys are all so dumb you hate the people like me i hate i hated that well i hate and that happens with a lot of other comics too comics will just use a couple of decent like adjectives and all of a sudden below people like you should write a book and it's like what are you talking about they just spelled some shit correctly and like wove a little bit of it i don't know it it's not just you for sure but yeah i also hate when anybody likes you yeah especially publicly when they go on the record as being a fan of t-dog night you're always like oh good another stroke to the old ego i can't wait to hear about this less room for lund at the table because sam's even more there already wasn't much room

for me because i'm such a big fat guy but here we are oh no i'm lund hello i'm nathan lund this is actually the tone that i think i'm because i am a liberal cuck it's me lund hey and then meanwhile i'm sam i'm like hell yeah put them in cages lock them up build the wall joe biden's penis tastes delicious yeah my god very cold water was not that bad give me more please daddy so we got becker on this one people have been begging for becker and we're giving it to him people are always like where's beck where's the beck man he's smoking one outside maybe he's at work how's the donut factory i'm like he doesn't work at a donut factory you idiot yeah he did one

so give us an update on the life of jacob becker but can you do it in the don't make him i could do the voice but i mean it's the top of the show we gotta do something else too your normal voice is why people want to hear you no people hate my voice I just realized there's two images of me in this video and that's bothering me now

always two of you yeah but usually one's blacked out yeah I've been there brother I'm good I've been working on the car a bunch and all right that's your becker update guys yeah that's pretty much it comics and best friends the show ripping on each other mercilessly even though they're the closest they've ever been that's what you think you wouldn't know if i were to end you you kept saying that's that's the tone in your head i just was reading a thing recently that

said like one in five people doesn't have an internal monologue interest well i mean what's an internal monologue like they don't have they don't they don't speak they don't have like a thought voice you guys have a thought voice yeah you mean like their their only thoughts would be things like i'm hungry as opposed to what do i want to do in life what am i going to do tomorrow shit like that you guys think about that no not thinking like like the when you're not trying to do it you're just thinking while you're doing stuff and you're like i put this on top of that and then you put that over there oh yeah you you narrate every second of your own life is that what you're saying well yeah when i'm if i'm thinking about anything it's words that i internalize that i'm thinking about it with yeah this is you you're like big dick jake enters the room no no no not meaty post hole digger down below

all the fly honeys say who dat man where he and I know who it is for it is I Big Dick Jake Becker oh look at this another cool car that I own what else is new in the life of Jake Becker I'm about to smoke a cig look at me I'm smoking a cig

hey Mr. Postman there's no mail on Sunday that's you yeah not quite but like Hey, Mr. Postman, there's no mail on Sunday. That's you. Yeah. Not quite. But like, I don't know how to explain it. They explained it better in the article, and now I'm all high and tired from figuring out. See, I never think before I do anything. That's kind of like one of my strengths.

Part of why I was asking is you said that when I was reading the article. I was like, Sam might be the only person I know who might not have one yeah it's a sign of being a genius because i feel like well is that the one in five thing but i felt like most comics probably have to have one because that's gotta be part of the crutch and how you think about funny shit yeah lund you have one right uh i mean yeah i think i'm usually telling myself all right don't be a fucking idiot remember your keys before you lock this door and then close it behind you this is kind of a mocking this is your inner model narrator maybe i'll have another bagel i've this one's got raisins in it oh i already had a cranberry one but no one will know

my beard's at work it's time for boys to be boys more bagels georgie how about you mama do you want to be my little bagel baby yes we're all out of cream cheese maybe it's time for butter my narrator is a scoundrel he's a rake uh oh before i forget uh at the bar on wednesday this dude came in and he got real drunk and he knows some comics and so we were talking about comics and eventually i said something about you and he was like oh sam talent oh yeah look and love sam talent and then i was like yeah dude he's like we're best friends and he was like no way like he couldn't believe that two denver comics knew each other and we're close i don't know it was wild i was blowing his mind just by like knowing you and then we were we had a podcast he was like get out of here he was fucking just born anew always funny when someone's like i'm such

a big fan of this person and then you're like oh yeah did you see they were in a movie and they're like what oh yeah when did that happen it's like yeah it's actually the third one in the series they wrote and directed it yeah he uh i don't know. He knew Mike Stanley. He knew Mike. He's in Walsenburg. So he's like, he had seen Mike at the Fox Theater there. But yeah, he knew Denver Comics. I'm glad.

Yeah. Hello, Walsenburg. What's up? Hey, it's me, Mike. I'm wearing a hat. Guabo, guabo. Check. Everybody says that yeah i'm terry gross welcome to guabo guabo our guest today is nathan lunn's internal narrator hello terry i brought treats for all. Oh, you blew it. You're peeing.

I ripped myself stupid. You're enjoying that. You're leaning in too much. Terry, I brought all types of delicious treats. Which one would you like? What's in this pocket? Oh, it's a finger cookie. Whoopsie. It's just my finger.

You already have it in your mouth. Terry, you've been duped. I've duped you. It's me, Lon's narrator. Or is it Stewie Griffin? Impossible to tell. Hello, Lois. You're my mommy, but I call you Lois.

Let's build a show on it. it's your my mommy but i call you lois let's build a show on it uh but yeah he was very very stoked to find out that we hold hands and uh it was funny to think that it was uh it was bori and you were like oh yeah i know sammy's my best friend and bori's like what i thought i was his best friend and then you like break a bottle and hold it up to him. Then you fight. No, no. And he kept like tipping me. That didn't happen. It keeps no ending.

Yeah, but he's doing it really well. I'm enjoying it a lot. Let's keep it on track, Sammy. As your best friend, I have to tell you, that's not a road we want to go down what you want to you want me to be like yeah then i beat up bory and he pooped and i kicked him right in his butt crack i'm just trying to rip we have to fill an hour over here oh we're filling it i'm doing great voices and you're just like no no hold on back to this very

important story becker what's up? What's the matter? Nothing. I was just laughing really hard and took my glasses off. My eyes are watering. Okay, good. Which one of us were you laughing at, Becker? I was laughing at the situation because it had already tickled me the last time he did it. And then when he did it again, I was loving it.

Yeah, the third time got me pretty good, too. Yeah. Hold no cell, Lund. Well, your narrator is me telling you settle down now sammy don't get too excited the mic's gonna break like good break because i was so stoked because yeah so you're getting too exuberant uh making fun of me giving me a very garish over the top closeted gay voice no you're not closeted gay people talk like that and they're straight as hell there's guys out there that are like how about a smidgen of pussy for me baby give me a taste of that funky snatch i'm in it i'm licking it oh i'm hard i'm hard for pussy come forth come

they do that it was kind of your byron too i'm byron graham so we both lost a bunch of money so far today that's pretty fun i'm down 165 damn i'm down less than that unless keenan allen scores in this football game i don't want to look but i do want to know if i want to be able to celebrate with the listener if uh my fortunes are reversed. I'll look it up. I got it going, but this one bet would get me back to normal. Make me feel alive again.

Your hands are shaking. Well, as we said earlier today, I'm on tilt. We're both on tilt. Oh, no. Keenan Allen's hurt. Is he? Yeah, he's out. He's going to the hospital. Oh, no. Keenan Allen's hurt. Is he? Yeah, he's out. He's going to the hospital. Oh, crap. Sorry, dude.

Perfect. Yeah, he says that he had a broken head on the one yard line when he was diving for the pylon. Well, yeah. Oh, no. Now there's an update. It says he hijacked the ambulance. He's going to his ex-wife's house no crap yeah i guess it's supposed to be his weekend it's saying he keeps saying it's

my weekend it's my weekend they're my kids this is weird keenan no go back to the game alan i need to make 200 tonight so that i can be back to net zero so that my net zero i'm a big man daddy brought home the bacon why don't you fry it up in your pussy i love having sex with women it's me land yum you had a fun little riff uh at the comedy fort about being married so that you're not allowed to be gay that was pretty good yeah it went viral you know about this how how viral you're talking 2 000 views who cares they posted it on al jazeera and everybody's everybody's gonna try to kill you

now yeah they're like what he's gay oh no get him this man has defied our god muhammad our god is an awesome god he hates when dudes bang guys did the person that was filming that just put it up and then you had to be like oh good thanks for recording no comedy for it put it up man i said hey anything you record here you guys can put up there if you want to all right so go crazy there's been a lot of uh clips shared by comics that are at the comedy fort which has got to be a good way to get it out there show that there's butts in seats that they're giggling they're probably drinking i mean i had like two of the best sets anyone's ever seen this weekend and they were all completely different like i didn't repeat one word neither said it

was crazy yeah right i'll bet you repeated at least two words silver and fox you found an old guy i did say silver fox on the saturday show for sure weird because an old guy came walking in with two big drinks and i was like uh-oh silver fox is trying to feed the pups then he dropped him because he was laughing so hard and then he started walking in a circle in the mess like curly from three stooges or homer simpson he cleaned up his own mess um yeah so no it's just like i am like really you know reinventing comedy every time big deal um i miss you and i wish you would cancel your show with caitlin palufo on january 21st to hang out with me no well what if i told you this

there's a bomb threat coming and it's not just you whatever you're about to get on stage it's right up your bombing what a ribald quip Sam from downtown Sam T from the Stripe painting this man's ass lit on fire

by his best friend no but I think yeah I'm gonna call it a bomb threat to whatever venue you're in or maybe i'll threaten palufo no threaten threaten the town of basalt you should say the last time my best friend alleged came to town there was a massive fire that almost nearly wiped out the entire community well what if this time there was a massive fire that almost nearly wiped out the entire community. Well, what if this time there was a guarantee that no one would survive? And then people would be like, holy shit, this guy means business.

And then, you know, they'd be like, what are your demands? And you're like, I don't want a comedy show to happen so that I can get blackout at my friend's bar and not have to pay for all of my drinks. And I want him to tuck me in that night while I tell him about a time when he was mean to me. That's what you want. How much money do you need, sir? It's the chief of police. Just we just want an assurance that no one will die. Everyone will die unless Nathan Lund is made to

stay within the city limits of one Trinidad, Colorado. Otherwise, the world will burn once again. If I if I can't be with my friend Nathan and have him scold me for smoking in a hotel room well then no one can have him i'm going to light a cigarette backwards so that it smells really bad and my friend yells at me then i can finally rest i want to be admonished by a man and the only man i know that does it all the time at the drop of a hat is nathan he gets off on it he likes the power of chastisement if you get down here if you get down here early enough we could do the burger challenge in walsenburg together

you could watch us you could cheer us on and i'm not going to come down there if you're not going to be there you're totally me you don't care who you hurt you're trying to climb and hang out with the big girl palufo uh blow me off if you well it's a ways away so i'll have to sleep there maybe covid will cancel this bitch yeah right it's the mountains yeah nobody cares huh as long as they can ski in jeans they're happy yeah as long as they can cosplay yellowstone they don't care who dies we'll see maybe it won't happen and then you can come down and we can wiggle i can give you covered face to face we can roll down a hill i've got a bit of it right now that'd be fun what if we laid down at the top of a hill and then locked hands and then rolled down together holy that'd be wild you mean

like a human wheel scenario yeah i mean we would have to promise each other that we wouldn't let go yeah i mean we would have to promise each other that we wouldn't let go and then we would our our uh you know we would double our centripetal force we would yeah combine to form one just whirling dervish we do the old irish acrobats what we call that that'd be wild you were one guy's drunk one guy's sober and they're just flipping over each other. And what if while we're doing that, we have Becker jump through the middle of our hoop while we're going down? I just dive through. Yeah, you dive through.

You do a little tumble. Whoa. I'm in. That'd be a hell of a weekend. Yeah, but meanwhile, you're going to be with tribesmen, Ethan Wallison. So I'm scared. No, Palufo's funny i'm happy you'll have a good time meanwhile i'm gonna bring my fucking shotgun and rifle down to trinidad me and becker and

most dog we're gonna go out and blast some holes and some fucking baptist churches it's gonna be great too that's like the one kind of church that isn't down here there's like eight different eight different churches but no baptist it's all go scare cave on back up to denver no court in the county will convict us i mean you guys live in a racist county that's all all I'm saying. He does have the only Baptist church. Does he? No. It was Presbyterian, wasn't it? The Baptists gave it to the Presbyterian

because they didn't have anybody left. The Baptists had to... It was built as a Baptist church. It still has the bath. Oh, yeah. It's got a clawfoot tub with water from the dead sea do baptists take baths at church

they they usually have like a little tiny tank tub thing in the floor so that they can baptize people a lot of the newer ones have like a floorboard that goes over it so it's not always open damn i remember at my baptism there was a bunch of kids that were supposed to go after me but i they dunked me in and all the water went out and no one got baptized everybody's shoes got ruined yeah exactly oh man oh man this little sammy t with his giant head and tiny body tiny ish compared to the head of course just ruined sunday for all yeah they were like i remember the only thing the preacher said he baptized me and then instead of saying you are baptized the name of the father god and the holy spirit he said surf's up

uh yeah oh yeah that's why so the baptists were probably like we have to be baptized in order to be saved and then they splintered off from the dry folks who were like water is a sin they didn't last long they're like no water ever no drinking it no splashing in it no getting dunked in it by a holy man there's a lot of people who wouldn't get wet back then that was like their whole thing it's like well i'm never damp yeah they didn't come back for a long time after the plague yeah no i mean i love being wet if i could be wet right now i would but uh emmy says my rash won't heal but i would love to be in there just soaking you know well they had a gout scare the other day yes no not yes come on well i i think that's fair get his ass prayer does work that's my only prayer please god you struck me down all i ask is that you also strike down my best friend bring my friend down

to hell with me come on i can have a roommate prove yourself to me yeah i woke up and my toe hurt really bad yesterday morning like my left toe right right at the top the big toe area yeah i woke up and i took a step and i was like, Oh God, what's going on? Emily was like, who is that? Who's there? I was like, it's me. Fucking husband. You idiot.

Uh, she was like, please, please just let me go. Timey. She doesn't know who you are. She wakes up. She has retrograde amnesia every morning

you have to sit her down and catch her up no i have to take off my shirt and let her smell it and it brings her back because olfactory senses the strongest senses and then she's like oh who what's your name again gilbert you look like a gilbert no it's sam believe it or not your name's not pudjo the oink master no it's uh it's actually sam tal it's not pudjo the oink master she's like are you my chubby hubby i'm like yes anyway so as soon as she woke up i was like hey did you see me did you see me sleeping weird last night like was my toe my toe bent? And she said, what the fuck are you talking about? What do you think I'm doing?

I'm looking at your feet? Emily, did you give me my nightly head-to-toe body scan where you take a gander, take it all in, and then assess the situation? Yeah, she was like, what are you talking about, P oh no i didn't see how your i didn't see how your fucking foot looked what i was like well my toe hurts and she's like yeah well we've been waiting for this day you know what it is you know what time it is

come with it now yeah but eventually it went away throughout the day that's good right i don't have it you're hammer toe yep you're getting it you got to start being really careful what are you talking about you're at the point i'm at and that's when uh like several people with gout told me like oh if that's starting like this is the time you can fight it back but once it moves into your leg you're fucked wait how do i fight it back you need to eat healthier you have to you need to you need to probably not do keto where all you're eating is protein what yeah you need to probably not do keto where all you're eating is protein you're probably gonna have to do one of those regular healthy diets where you just like

eat everything in moderation moderate moderation yeah i can't do it i'm gonna get it real bad soon no hammer i just i just slept weird i didn't i don't have hammer toe you're getting hammer toe it felt like you couldn't bend your toe right no no i could bend it all i wanted just hurt when i walked around so right like this says fucking dr butt becker but like when you pushed off it was more of a landing the landing hurt yeah even worse yeah that seems like there's something wrong with your foot i'd almost rather have to just eat a little healthier than have a foot problem well i don't have a foot problem anymore because i slept weird how did you sleep weird with your foot my toe was in gordy's butt the whole night

i was like damn why is my foot so warm did i get some suck a new slipper sucker and then emmy was like hey where where am i and i was like god smell my shirt and i fucking pulled it out of gordy and i was like god rough day for pudge oh some days i wake up i don't want to be the oink master he was sure an oink intern yeah i just want to be a boy again so emmy uh last night i did the show and then i had to drive to greeley to do stand-up comedy after my good show no offense really wasn't that bad and if you're a new listener

thank you for coming to the greeley show shout out rudy garcia uh he's having the comedy festival april 1st first he's bringing in bob saget so that's good if you if you saw sam talen and greely and immediately started listening to new episodes of his podcast like no one ever would i guess that's how it works ideally if you're the perfect person and you live in greely and as soon as you see somebody that you like you support all of their endeavors they're reading the book while they're listening to the podcast while they're watching my special yum yum yum give it give me more sam d no literally rudy was like yeah man it's gonna be you josh wolf and bob saget that's what he said last night oh man bob saget crazy no longer around no been returned to the earth from which he came didn't even do it having fun we don't know well he was in his hotel room and they said it doesn't look like any foul player

drugs what i read the tmc article yeah he died what holy shit you didn't know that? No, I've been sleeping all day. I've been watching football and cursing God and the devil. How could you not know that? You're the most online person I know. I'm always online. You're digitally native. Yes, he probably had a heart attack or a stroke in his hotel room. Or maybe something not like that happened.

Maybe he got electrocuted. No one thinks about that. Well, I think they'd know that pretty quick, wouldn't they? I don't know. Maybe he tripped and he hit his head on the desk. That's true. Maybe it wasn't my biggest fear. The thing that I hate to think about the most. What? Having some kind of event

in a hotel room and no one's there to help you yeah who cares that's why the opener sleeps with me that's why i don't sleep alone in a hotel room anymore i got the feature in there that's why you're taking me so that i can i'll give you the emily talent style head-to-toe body scan and i will let you know if anything looks out of order be like wait a minute this purplish bruise on your kidney area used to be a lot less scary. I don't like it. I call the concierge. Excuse me.

We're going to need you to watch us sleep. I'm getting tired. I'm supposed to be on Sam duty and make sure that he's okay. But I'm getting sleepy. So how about you watch both of us here's five dollars here's the mirror hold it up to his nose yeah yeah you gotta do head to toe every hour or so because sometimes you'd be like oh it's fine i'll watch the upper half and it's like no the lower half to kill him at any moment yeah at the top of the hour hold the mirror to

his nose and every half hour hold it to his butt just to make sure he's breathing yeah make sure there's a nice flow of oxygen throughout his butt man that's wild yeah uh that uh he's gone he's no longer first thing i think of is uh can't remember who who tells the story but there's that story that they went to see him in the hospital when his wife had one of their kids

and they showed up and Bob Saget is holding his brand new infant daughter and the guy walks up you know and asks how everything's going or whatever and Bob says for a dollar you can finger her. I can't remember what that's from.

Is it maybe comedian? It must have been a documentary. I don't think it's in the aristocr aristocrats. Cause I don't think so either. Cause I know it's mostly just people telling the joke. There's, I don't think there's a lot of other conversation, but so maybe it was in comedian, but yeah,

damn, we lost a real one. Yeah. I mean, I was worried that when I said that great thing about Rudy, literally trying to book Bob Saget, you did it. You just no sold me.

I thought you were no sold mode. I thought you were Brock Lesnar over there today. Typically. Yeah. I would be like moving on. Typically I'd be like, well, I want to make sure none of the other people that I grew up,

I want to make sure Reginald Bell Johnson is okay. Or, and Patrick Duffy is safe or else my whole TGI Friday memory is, you know, obliterated. Who's Reginald Vel Johnson? The dad from Family Matters.

That's his name? Yeah, Reginald Vel Johnson. Reg Vel John. Reggie Velley. That's ridiculous. That little fat guy? Yeah. The guy who would go, Steve, quit trying to fuck Laura. Yeah, pretty much steve are you trying to fuck laura get in my house i'm a police officer steve i will shoot

you with my service weapon if you don't back out of the house and debonify your penis immediately i've got several women in this house of different ages and you are a menace. I swore I would protect them. Yes, every bullet has to be accounted for. I don't care. I'll do the time, Steve. Go try to fuck Laura. Nathan, your Carl's

really good, but I don't know if it's a really good Carl or if it's a really good Key and Peele doing Carl. Interesting. Because I watch that sketch anytime I'm upset. Oh, I haven't seen that one. They did a sketch about Urkel taking over the show because that's like a real thing that happened.

It was supposed to be Reginald's show about him and his family and then the quirky next door neighbor became the star of the show before the end of the first season. damn yeah where they just like quit trying to even write scripts about Carl's family. oh my god what a nightmare you work you're classically trained Broadway actor you work your way up doing Hamlet, Macbeth, you know Cicero the clown whatever it's called then you get cast and some Dorcas Malorcas outshines you and the writers keep feeding them beef even though you're

supposed to be the lion? Of course you turn the gun on yourself. Reginald L. Johnson is Pagliacci where he goes to the doctor and he's like, man, Doc, let me tell you, I was supposed to finally have a Friday night mega hit on

primetime cable uh or network television and then i'm on stage by some fucking asshole with glasses on and his pants pulled up to high heaven well you can always go see steve urkel he's in down oh wait no it's not no you idiot I was trying to figure out how you would do it not accurate at all well it's just like he tells that story and then the doctor turns around and he says well did I do that and then criminal Val Johnson

climbs a clock tower and shoots a bunch of co-eds that's the only way out when you're replaced by a dork you gotta become the stork well he was like a character actor and then everybody loved him in die hard so they gave him that show that was pretty much the same character he was in die i thought that was danny glover no he's the he's the cop in the first die hard oh that's shit yeah you're thinking a lethal weapon do you guys get die hard and let the weapon crossed up in your? No. You were four when you watched those movies.

You weren't supposed to, but your dad was wasted and your mom. Well, your mom was at the bar. Your mom was having some Long Islands with the dude from Queens. And your dad. What's going on over there? I don't know. I don't know. Becker, you got to go check on him face to face

i need to head to toe body scan yeah you gotta get emmy in there well you know what was funny is uh earlier today megan was trying to give mama her seizure pills oh i know george michael stole a couple and so she got all scared and she called And she was trying to get a hold of our vet, and then I did not think to call Dr. Kev. I thought to call Emmy. You have an old, famous veterinarian friend on speed dial. Instead, you call my doctor wife, who doesn't work with animals at all besides me, Pudger the Oinkmaster.

Well, my main thing was I figured she would know about potassium bromide. Do you have to be worried about it? Do you have to lock it up so that addicts don't snort it? No. Isn't that truth serum, potassium bromide? Sodium pentothal? Is that what you're thinking

about? Yeah. Close call, Sammo. Take a bromide bro make it easy come on chargers have the ball five minutes left get me this money so that i don't fucking continue my spiral uh but yeah i called i i texted or i called emmy and then i thought to call dr kev i was like dr cav help what's going on if uh george little george mikey my heaven and my earth if he uh ate too much

potassium bromine is his dick gonna fall off what's gonna happen is he's just gonna not have he's not gonna have any cramps that's potassium it's good yeah he could be able to uh climb a mountain and he's not gonna cramp up he's just gonna be cool as hell no he'll be he'll be all right he might uh he might throw up a little blood and if he does just make him eat it because he's gonna want that blood later and so make sure that anything that he throws up make sure that he eats it if he has diarrhea put it in his food the next morning so we'll keep him whole dr cav doesn't know about animal waste he thinks everything that comes out of him is supposed to be in them god well god made us as perfect creatures and so if anything like falls off or breaks you're

gonna want to uh reattach it or else god's gonna be mad he's just a total moron yeah he's like uh he's actually been dead for seven years we just don't know it that was actually bob saget's last words were i'm going to be with dr cap i crossed the rainbow bridge seven years ago but nobody could really tell that i had died and so my body was able to just kind of keep going based on uh instincts and i've had people feed me uh for the last few years and so uh most people think i'm alive and doing well but in reality i'm i'm decaying every day i'm actually i'm actually not

there it turns out i'm alive oh yeah good swerve well you never know how long you're gonna go with these riffs what do you want i can't please you i either say no and try to pivot and you're like oh we were having fun we were playing and then when i try to have fun you're like you're not having fun the right amount and you're not doing it good you were supposed to do it like me no becker gave me the signal which means blast him becker's actually the puppeteer man you don't know this becker didn't give you a signal yeah he did he lit a sig and that means get it he lit a sig that means it's been six minutes yeah that means he thought about something um yeah no i'm glad that i'm glad george is okay because god what a fucking cruel twist of fate it

would have been if george dies the good dog that people actually like and you're left with mama the hobo remnant yeah yeah that would be i would have been pissed when you did that i was with miles remember small nipples from the boat the birthday boat oh the tiniest nipples of all yep little nips god that was hilarious he's funny man we chilled we chilled all day today oh shit they scored who scored the chargers did but it wasn't fucking keenan allen god damn it god dude god damn it god damn it god dude god damn it i'm so sorry man fuck all right anyway small nipples yeah the two of us making fun of a guy who's like completely normal looking in good shape tall thin and then these two fucking trolls these two fat goblins are like, hey, look at his nipples. What a weirdo. We found the one thing wrong with you.

We win. If someone tied my shoe, I can't reach it. But I was with him, yeah. And I remember he was like, so which dog was it? And I was like, it's George Michael. And he went, oh, good. That's the good one. It's like, how do you you know he listened to the podcast but even he knew that there was

only one dog that people want to be alive well yeah there's only one dog that has cost me more money than my shitty gambling habit and that is not george michael he's perfect because he's a little uh mutt the mutts are the ones that are like ready for anything they can eat stones they could have like a whole bunch of cake and be fine and then mama is like probably a purebred and then she's all like inbred and her hips probably will suck we'll see how long she lasts but george michael's a little tiny guy so he should let he should live to like 20. well everything goes according to plan George will live a long long time and mama will uh will not be around at all for much longer

hopefully she will pass soon yeah I know that might sound cold-hearted to the listeners but uh one's been poisoning her for a long time I don't give her her mitts when megan is at work she's like did mama get her pills and i'm like yes like yeah yes she did of course i guess yes don't worry baby yeah baby don't worry it's me boston showers your hubby i must go to battle with pudge oh the oink master do you did you ever work with the guys no you ever there was the guy that the comic that used to do loonies and his headshot i think i said it to you his headshot was him as austin powers and he wasn't like an impersonator on stage but that was his fucking headshot yeah and he he i think i've talked about him before but it was a long time ago the early days of the pod dude but he was such a graveyard

for headshots yeah when he he did the typical thing where instead of bringing a good comic who you know was like making their way and you know had a strong 20 and and deserved the you know this opportunity he brought like the newest comic that was willing to like sell his merch drive you know pay for gas it was a jeff white situation get his own hotel room who chris fonseca used to bring jeff white remember i don't know that old guy jeff white i can't think of him now well anyway fonseca you know because he's relegated to the chair because he has like you know blue garigs or whatever you know he has he has bupley syndrome right yeah he is he's palsied yeah he's all blue um he would bring like a new feature that wasn't good because they had to like fucking change him and like carry him up the stairs and

shit dude and like feed him and make sure he got enough gin head to toe body scan head to toe body scan but with their hands and their mouth yeah yeah so feel him he would just like run through features because they'd be like yeah you know we were in fucking barstow and i put him on the changing table and it broke and i had to leave him there i couldn't take it anymore what becker it's true i know that's why it's wow it's bleak man it's bleak out of life yeah that fucking guy did the the opener did the whole hey let me get a shot i'll do a shot with you guys what do you guys want me to get uh i'm allergic to rum so anything but rum and then he'd like wait for the shot and you know instead of like going into a joke and

then getting the shot he just wait for it and then he still got off way early i was in the bar and he got off like seven minutes early i was like jesus christ what the fuck there's a giant clock but he just bailed that's so funny and that means like some old fucking road awful road dog told him like look kid if you gotta fill time here's what you do oh yeah shot and then stand there and stare at the waitress until she does it give it up for the troops give it up for girl scout and military you know yeah really stretch who you're grateful for say all the names you've ever heard say all the branches of the military ask if anybody in there has had a recent birthday oh who's who's who who had the most recent birthday come on somebody's probably had one this week let's see some hands anyone uh anyone mourning a close family

member passing come on it's all right who can beat cousin huh brother or any moms and dads oh plane crash all right let's give her a shot too we can wait though yeah it was uh if i had to rank all the different kind of animals here's how it would go 10 rat 9 possum 8 raccoon uh 3 cat dragon let's not forget dragon becker's gonna puke oh no we made becker laugh too hard. Now he's going to vom. Speaking of vomiting, Emmy puked last night. She was such a fucking nightmare. What? Emmy puked?

Emmy should have puked. She was so drunk last night. What were you guys doing last night? I wasn't. I went and did a show at the Comedy Fort and she was with her doctor friends. And then I went to Greeley and when I came back, she was like, can you pick me up, Pajot? Master Oink. And then I went to Greeley and when I came back, she was like, can you pick me up, Pudjoe?

Master Oink. And I was like, all right, why are you doing Lund's voice? And I picked her up at Social in Fort Collins, which is like the fanciest, most pretentious bar. And she comes out and she's holding hands with some woman. And I'm like, nice. Everything's coming up,ge ho and you know it turned out to be a doctor that i hadn't met yet and then she gets in the car and she's like me when he pizza so we went and we had to get her pizza and uh she ordered macaroni and cheese pizza which i had i was like this is too much you've you're ashamed

and then she eats it and then she asked me she couldn't remember which way to get home she was like you're going the wrong way you better turn around turn this car around you're not going to a house you don't know which way you live to get turn this turn this car around that's where she does she sounds when she's drunk she sings little songs and uh so we finally get home we get her into the house i strip her nude do some stuff she doesn't remember um i'm kidding but we uh here's what happens though fellas after she asked me for the 10th time how the g Greeley show went and they tell her she falls asleep and this is the result of her

falling asleep is imagine you're hearing this noise as your wife's asleep and she's holding both her hands out and spinning her palms up and then down like she's doing the Macarena when she's asleep may I present

the sleep talking stylings of Emily Talent. hey It goes on for three more minutes. So do you want our listeners to figure out what club song it was that she was repeating? If anyone can play that backwards, I'm sure we'll get to the bottom of it. It sounds like she's talking in four different languages at once. She kept repeating the same noise same noise though and you said she was kind of doing this with her hands yes and then she was drunkenly sleeping and singing club music from society there's another recording here and this happens did the uh native american part of your blood start to boil because she sounded like she was doing a an incantation it did start to rain and gordy like floated six inches off the bed and

spun around in a circle damn she's got the gift she does yeah she's got it and got him but yeah no she does that and then she does a weird move where she lifts the blanket up and goes underneath it and starts doing this one yeah so that was when she was underneath her little blanket for it making those noises i love it when she does this but this was the most severe she's ever done it it was crazy has she heard that those clips today less than 40 times today you just keep sending them to her if she knew that i was reporting right now and playing them she'd be furious oh good thing she doesn't listen good thing this is a free episode oh yeah and also like you know i put a little title pm in her dish damn that's pretty fun those were both great

yeah solid uh way to to close out the episode with one drunk ass emily t we have like 11 more minutes yeah well time to say goodbye let's let's be played out by kenny g that's not bad you started peaking did i yeah now what's that mean when you say peaking well you're not actually peaking i guess but you're blowing out the sound peaking would be like i don't know like on the uh mixer you know if you're if your levels were getting into the red, then there would be a loss of sound quality. But you are doing something like that, but blowing out, like overwhelming the microphone. Interesting. You're blasting the mic's capabilities with your enthusiasm.

So stop it. Bring it down a notch. Take a tylenol pm or two and a baby aspirin oh you overdosed or george michael style you're like here come here yeah i called dr kevin i was like i gave my wife too much tylenol pm and he was like all right you're about to have some fun he's like nice he got right where you want it have some fun he's like nice he got right where you want it time to baptize her in your own jizz fill up a tub with bone semen and then dunk her and say it's in the name of the lord did she fall asleep on her belly or back because either way i got a recipe um yeah so that was fun man and then uh she wants me to wake her up when she does this and i'm afraid that i wake her up then like the curse becomes real she talks like that forever yeah

like i'm glad there wasn't a doll in the room when she said that or else you know we had a chucky situation yeah yeah part of her soul would have gone into the nearest doll or gordy if he had been awake she laughs in her sleep and it's like really terrifying and i just like hold the pillow over her face and i'll do it let's just say just count backwards from six i think whatever emily chanted might have caused the death of one robert sagat robert sagat yeah she might have brought about an evil spirit that uh you know meant to attack the comedian that she loves the most and you think it's going to be you but it's bob sagat because she's always told me that her day pass her hall pass is bob sagat damn yeah like if she

wants to bang she gets to bang one guy i can't be mad it's always been danny tanner dan t instead of sam t she would have gone with man that's wild that he dies what two weeks after three weeks after norm and those two in a year or two of the whoa norm's been gone man time flies when your hero's gone yeah no. No, Norm was your hero, not mine. I don't have any heroes. I just admire other geniuses. You have sheroes. Norm didn't have an internal monologue like me. You admire strong women.

I do admire strong women. Any woman who can pick me up off the ground, guess what? I admire you. You fear them. I've spent so little time in the ground in the sky you ever think about that oh yeah i hate when people think that they can pick me up because i'm like what if you're wrong you most people who have attempted it have failed yeah none of them survived this is gonna be bad you see you see this hat that i'm wearing there's five notches in

it that's for every body that i've crushed when they do today let me pick you up there was a show at rhinoceropolis once comedy show in the back there where that where the people slept and there was it was a concrete floor and out of nowhere timmy lasley is like i'll bet i can pick you up and i was like there's no way and this is a fucking concrete floor yeah this is a widow maker we're standing on yeah so please let's wait until we're like at a park or a mattress store yeah there's a lot of places where this would be less insane but she was like she was like let me you know let me try to pick you up don't discount me because i'm a lady and i was like fine and i almost killed her she immediately buckled and i stopped myself from smushing her

from splattering her body and making her a part of she would have been the glob in glob if we would have been next door but even the plopolis and rice sign of plopolis that place would have shut down years early also no one would believe you you know what i mean like if your defense was your honor she said that she thought she could pick me up the judge is like look at you pudgo what are you talking about she said she could pick you up was she you know one of those guys it's like no no she didn't have down syndrome okay interesting well in that case you're going to jail for a long time oink master you have you want to anything you want to say before we send you up river and you're like

my very good my my slop my slop bucket is empty your honor she died doing what she loved being wrong uh so yeah that was close call but then i was uh surprised when one of the times we played uh football at the park one devin davis little tiny meatball man was able to throw me around and i got to feel safe he was like the biggest surprise anyone because zeke uh zeke herrera cheque if you will cheque blanco i will he could uh he could pick me up but it wasn't a huge surprise he was very strong is very strong i'm sure he's still strong he's never picked me up devin he could he could throw you around the room no he couldn't yeah he could i bet chris pierce could pick me up but i would never let him because he would love it too much he didn't pick you up when becker gave everybody covet becker thinks that he can pick me up

i can pick you up you could pick me up yeah how whoa i i'd grab you and pick you up you'd put your arms around my waist yeah and remove me from the earth momentarily that's what you think yeah becker that's the dumbest thing you've ever said i'll pick you up next time i see you in a long long list of dumb i'm 100 sure i've got a new jewel and you're pretty sure i can pick you up next time i see you in a long long list of dumb i'm 100 sure i've got a new jewel and you're pretty sure i can pick you up yeah you can pick up lun lun's a fucking little toad i'm six foot five i'm fucking made of fucking muscle and gristle you know yeah mostly gristle i can pick you up mostly gristle well yeah when's the last time you touched me uh it's been months yeah it has it has so now you've turned it all around but i can still pick you up no you couldn't dude

i would crush you i'd be the end of you no i can pick you up i don't weigh 400 pounds jesus becker that's what i was saying no you're saying it like that's what you weigh i can pick you up one weighs 320 i'm down to like 250 i don't think i can toss you around i weigh like that's what you weigh. I can pick you up. Lund weighs 320. I'm down to like 250. I don't think I can toss you around. I weigh like 225, man. I can for sure pick you up. Becker, you're entering a world of hurt. No, man.

You would herniate. Your fucking nuts would come out of your ass. No, I'm stronger than you think I am. You'd be all bowels. All of your intestines would be visible if you tried to scoop me. Nah. What if you did it hard? You know what i'm afraid of fireman's carry set i think i have fireman's carried you i'm pretty sure you tried remember you started crying and you ripped your shorts and you said

i bought these i think my mommy made them she used to make my clothes yeah yeah i don't think i can carry you home i just think i can pick you up what if i was like what if i was being attacked by something could you defend me from it yeah all right i mean that doesn't really all right it doesn't follow but i'm glad to know that you're the one that well yeah you're the one that threw it out there as now you have to come you got to come down come down what if you came down thursday dude and then it's okay you have a new life come wednesday come with it now you come when new friends you like i'm not i'm happy for you actually like i'm glad that you're doing well i have a gig and you're furious that it didn't line up with your brand new plans what show show canceled? Sketchfest. It was supposed to be

the punchline. Now you're the punchline. Now everyone's laughing at you. This is how the Joker happened. You have a hole in your pants and a hole in your schedule. And now... I can't wait to headline. I can't wait to go last on your show.

What's that? No longer happening good day sir any kind you have as long as it goes boom boom hello mr sketch fest it's me sam talent or as you know me that that fat buffoon. You think you can make a tally-whacking fool of I? No, no. They're going to be sketching you in shock. Bang, bang.

I've done it again. I actually enjoy you voicing the Joker in a cartoon. That would be great. I'm the Joker. Look at my dance. There's the Joker, and then... And then there's Ra's al Ghul comes in. Yes. Yes, tell them,osa bring them under your spell yes listen become hypnotized oh god

okay oh my god that's fun did you cough and sneeze no i spiked my phone and coughed that's the good stuff oh man well that's another great episode of Chubby Behemoth we've recorded this yeah don't forget to check out our Patreon for additional episodes yes look let them figure it out on their own

don't hand feed them like the squirrels in your backyard just let them figure it out like a guy in Greeley this was a good time. I wonder if one Sam Talen has any more media that I can consume. I looked just because I was curious. 93 people have listened to our first episode this week,

which is pretty high. So maybe a bunch of people in Greeley loved your ass. Start from the beginning and watch the process. The very first episode. Listen. Love it. Start from the beginning and watch the process. The very first episode. Listen. Love it. Tap into the matrix.

Those first episodes were fun, man. If you want to get your hands on them, go all the way back on the old Patreons. Five bucks a month. I think the first episode. I think the first episodes were good because we were together. We were in the basement of a uni and we were figuring it out, but we also knew how to talk to one another. So there were a lot of, uh,

you know, we had, we hadn't already covered any ground. So there was like a wide open history, shared history of great, uh, moments on stage and off before we grew apart, man,

of great moments on stage and off before we grew apart man before you started getting mad at us for moving somewhere other than where you moved to you weren't even in that man it's just like when i try to keep our relationship going and you're like no no me and me and kp we got to go shale up in the mountains i'm going up to Basalt with this new girl. Chris Pierce? What? KP is Chris Pierce. Oh, well, how do you say... What's the other one? Caitlin is with a C. Wow.

No. I was looking at a graph. I would have assumed that was Sam. That was impressive. We have a show here at the Oriental Theater. We Tell Joke on January 14th, right? Yeah, Friday. Friday, come out to the Oriental Theater.

There's like eight tickets left or whatever. I'm sure they're purchased. And then I'm hosting for Christy Bukley's album recording. So now there's a reason for you to go because I'm on they're purchased. And then, uh, uh, Christie, I'm hosting for Christie Bukley's album recording. So now there's a reason for you to go. Cause I'm on the show. Two shows. Are you hosting both? Yeah,

I'm hosting both. It's a, at rise comedy club. All right. So yeah, come out and see me host for a girl, uh, voodoo comedy theater.

Come out and see Sam do a really bad job of hosting instead of setting the table he sits down and eats everything on the table he does the uh magic trick of yanking the tablecloth out but makes a big mess and then slips in it and falls cuts his leg wide open on a broken vase funny would it be if it bukele's album recording i come out there limping like i have palsy and i just do all of her act i'm like no honey actually god hurt my foot so i'm single my dad's name is todd he just blast her yeah i do all of her act she's like what have i done man it's gonna it's coming down to the last second and i'll bet i'm fucked in this yeah well let's should we stay on and see what happens in the game yeah people really love watch listening to me look at my phone well the chargers are fucking

running out of time let me sing a song for good luck real quick they just want to be they got a home to be they want a small turkey