Chubby Behemoth - No Spaghetti Alone

Episode Date: February 17, 2022

Sequence Gloves. Wadding Up. Shar Pei Sharp Shooter. Patrick Richardson.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

hey jesus there he is i almost volcanoed my bowl man you sound kind of quiet i'm pinning you i don't need to see jake i need to see you yeah you're sounding better yeah you sound better maybe a little bit more damn you got the real I guess I after I asked you to give me a microphone I realized

you do music so you probably have a good setup and you do spit guard yeah hey is that alright yeah that sounds really good thanks man do you have an at 2020 i don't think i don't is that like the fancy one it just looks like mine at is audio audio technica yeah it is antechnica. I don't know what the model is. For music, I usually just record vocals with my phone.

Oh, yeah? I haven't used this as much. Did you buy that for music or for podcasts? I bought it for both. But this is like the second time I've used it. Did you have to set it up? Or is it set up all the time?

I had to just download Zoom. It's been set up. Just sitting there getting dusty? Yeah, my room is really fucking dusty wishing for spit what

oh yeah spit guard sitting there all dry feeling unused and unloved like why won't Patrick make me wet like come into it okay that's what I should come into yeah and that probably stays wet

a little longer than spit. My mic's thankful that I don't shoot cum directly on it. I don't know, that could be a whole new ASMR thing that you could tap into. Squirting. Does your penis make a noise

when you shoot cum out you think i'm i'm sure there's some sort of i'm sure if we recorded it with a really good mic we'd get a noise that made us all nauseous it would be like spider-man it's just there's already there's always just other noise going on so you can't really hear it you know there's other noise like not my hair you fucking asshole i said it eight times give me my fifty dollars what is that your fetish coming in here coming in no no it's just like a common thing where it's like most people even uh even dudes you don't want to get cum out of your hair it sucks but the women yeah the ladies they they don't want cum in their porn stars uh they don't want it in their hair or their eyes

because it's just extra stuff else extra steps about ears yeah get in somebody's ear they turn very angry very fast well that's where a lot of hair is too is right around the ear yeah when you're a dwarf and you shoot into their ear they got a lot of hair in their ear um don't make fun of my white glove. I'm wearing one white glove. Let's get it out there. You're going to notice. What is it?

What is it? I'm wearing. Why? Let me see. I have a bunch of white gloves because a couple of years ago I got, it looked like my hand was dying. It looked like it was rotting. And so I went to a dermatologist and they said I had either, either eczema or dermatitis,

either way I was supposed to do this whole like treatment. And part of the, part of the routine was to like soak every night i had to like soak my hand in i think it was just like warm salt water and then put on a medicine and then put vaseline on that and then put a glove on to like seal it seal in the juices and i did that for like two weeks or whatever and then it and it helped but um it got bad again i don't know why i think when it's dry it's a lot worse and uh it gets to the point where um hot water feels really good on it you know it like itches it on the inside and i think that's really bad for it but it's also hard not to do it because i know it feels good it like feels better

than than itching the outside so i do it and it makes it worse than i'm watching what i have a question go ahead why is the glove sequenced why is there sequins all over it why is it sequenced uh because it's made of it's made of it's a watson and crick brand and it's sequenced it doesn't look an idiot it doesn't look like this it doesn't look medicinal at all it looks like a fucking it looks like a michael jackson glove well at first i went to a cvs but they were out of white gloves so next door there was a party city and they had sequenced gloves and i said it a glove's a glove so i got damn that sucks though how long have you had that it's annoying uh it hasn't been this bad since that first time like it's i've definitely had it be like dry and then it got bad enough

for me to go to the doctor that one time and then this is like as bad as last time it just looks gross you know and i was at the bar you know i worked tuesday and wednesday and i'm glad nobody said anything like hey could you serve me with a hand that wasn't bitten by a zombie you know oh i thought you're gonna say you're moonwalking around the bar like serving with that glove on no i so it's so annoying like i wipe with my right hand and it's my right hand so i can't i have to like take it off it doesn't uh i can't type on dude get a bidet yeah i need to get a bidet i know do you wipe if you have a bidet i know some people don't i do like a i do a dry i dry off i do it okay i do a check slash dry right wipe yeah that sounds it sounds great but i just haven't like

i haven't pulled the trigger and gotten one i've been working again and it sucks having to poop at work because you i just want to poop with my bidet you haven't been working yeah i'm back at the record store i'm at twist and shout oh nice they took you back you crawled in on your hands and knees and begged for a job i'm sorry i'm making more doing like like the this like the oh like the you'd start off doing than i did as a manager there back when i worked there before the pandemic so what it's really chill i don't have to manage and i'm making more money that doesn't make any sense does it manage and i'm making more money that doesn't make any sense does it because i think minimum wage went up i don't think it did in patient yeah i think it went up to 15 in denver it finally went up it's just a lot of places were already acting like it went up just to be ahead of it but still if

typically if a minimum wage if an entry-level job pay goes up then the manager pay would go up because you have more responsibility that's what was that's what was dumb about i don't give a shit i'll put twist and shout on blast i was managing there and i was making because of like wage compression you know like when minimum wage goes up the high schoolers from east high across the street were making 50 cents less than me and i had a key to the store where were they working across the street no they were working at twist and shout uh after school yeah yeah this is exciting is this going to be one of those episodes where people like this is boring no um guys this is a good one i was also going to uh get a an interjection sam style and

say you're barely managing to breathe i don't know he would have been mean he would have been mean at that point he would have he would have tried to spice things up by being mean sam is in uh chicago illinois um and he uh was very excited to text me and becker last night to say that our old friend former denver comedian byron graham who's been in chicago for i think like a year and a half is now a fat guy so that's chicago will do that to you chicago yeah you know in denver there are some bigger people but a lot of healthy young folks jogging running to the gym so that they can go flip a tire beating up a tire yeah fucking hammer a lot of crossfit climbing mountain climbing social ladder climbing climbing uh you know clout chasing yes chasing clout for hours on end that's good cardio clout chasing uh social justice warrior uh cosplay a lot of so but yeah chicago everybody's like eating a

hot dog while on their way to go get a polish sausage so uh i think yeah and their shoes are made out of italian beefs that's right walking i feel like their cars is a deep dish their cars are deep dish the cars are deep dish pizza their shoes their shoes are italian beefs and they're walking to get a polish weenie yeah dude maxwell street where's that downtown that's the polish neighborhood ah little poland little little warsaw yeah that's where like that that polish sausage vienna beef life started over there some say it's a little ghetto and i say not cool dude yeah don't don't joke about the holocaust young warsaw is that what you called it little little warsaw it's a warsaw never little warsaw never genocide again little warsaw that rapper like never forget broke boy no young rich boy never

broke again have you heard that seen that guy's name yeah is was he the one that is nba in his name yeah i think so that was wild he said he said a new benchmark i think for crazy rapper name yeah young you got to be able to google it young little boy nba movie pass vienna beat. Life never changed. Have a good summer. Yeah, so Byron's out there in Chicago getting big, which excites me. Hopefully see him in the unhealthy way. Not the.

Yeah, you're blowing up. From Portillo's. Blowing up while staying home. Yeah yeah getting that portillo's punch card filled out he's crushing at portillo's he's bombing at the open mics yeah fair to byron i or to more to chicago i think he was wadding up pretty steadily before he left too i love wad as a verb yeah he was running down the wad well you don't want to show up

you don't want to show up like thin and live because you're going to get made fun of you're going to get bullied and thrown into the river yeah so he knew I'm going to do it right he wanted to blend in

as soon as he got there. I mean, I've always been a WOD, but I definitely WODed up a lot when I lived out there, that's for sure. Because it's cold. Out where? Chicago? Yeah. When did you live there?

I lived there like 2015 to 16. What? That's so funny to me i do not remember that that was actually started after you started yeah i started i started doing comedy in like fort collins northern colorado for like two years and i was like oh i'm so good at this i'm gonna move to chicago and then i just ate shit for a year and got depressed because it was really cold and i had to waddle to the train every day with portillo shoes with italian beach shoes blowing your nose with a piece of pizza. I had giardiniera in my pockets

every day. For the homeless folks that needed to have a cup, they're jingling it and you put giardiniera in there. And then they're like, go bears. Go bears. They can barely speak. Yeah, they're very...

They're so famished. They're dehydrated from all the salty salty jardinera damn so i would have known you because you came down to denver and performed i think yeah i was i didn't i think i was too green to really like be known by the comics at that time i was I kept myself pretty Fort Collins based oh yeah I don't know I'm pretty I'm sure I knew of you I don't know if you knew of me I'm trying to think of when I started uh knowing you I guess did you move from Chicago to Denver you i guess did you move from chicago to denver yeah okay and i did too much fun when it was too much wand and that i think that was like one of the first times i talked to you when it sucked

yeah it was just for like four months because bobby wanted to focus on growing up getting a career going to he had to finish his bachelor's so he could go to law school and he did it he's in law school we're not allowed to talk about any of his uh former all of all of the funnest stories involved in bobby we can't talk about he told you not to uh yeah i think he was like half kidding you know i think there's just a fear that once he's uh half kidding you know i think there's just a fear that once he's uh like working for a law firm there would be the chance for other for people to google him and the odds the odds of someone finding this podcast and then listening to it are slim but i think it's a you know just in case kind of a thing but yeah uh god yeah it was just me for however long a few months and then i was in chicago uh megan and i visited my aunt and uncle for

oh london we got a london no all right let's fuck becker we have to we have to uh what is they were staying with his aunt and uncle because they needed new portillo shoes god damn it can you hear me yeah you're back yeah god zoom saved us from your boring story shut up it said my connection was unstable, damn it. And earlier I was going to say it looked like you were wadding up. I think you had trouble for a second, but maybe it was me. Yeah, no, Sam hit me up and said that somebody wanted to do too much Fun, like, February of the next year. And it made me realize that I was going to be committed to that show every Wednesday for all of 2017 and beyond. And I was like, no, thank you. And I put a bullet in Too Much Fun's brain.

I said, look at the pretty river. Look at the little rabbits playing along the beautiful babbling brook. Too Much Fun's brain. I said, look at the pretty river. Look at the little rabbits playing along the beautiful babbling brook, Too Much Fun. And they're like, I like rabbits and I like rivers. And then I just, ba-dow! Adios, muchacho.

And then I was free. I got to experience true freedom for the first time in six years. Yeah, I run a weekly wednesday show ratio beer works every wednesday yeah like an idiot and it's exhausting and at least that one doesn't start at fucking midnight like i can well that was a that was a progression we started at 10 at first and then it was 10 30 it was 10 30 for a long time and that was fine and then it just got closer and closer to 11 and then closer and closer to 11 30 it was so stupid but it was over

six years so it like we didn't notice it it wasn't like a conscious thing how many times uh is it tuesday like tuesday at 11 30 and you're like jesus christ who we gotta book a lady because that's what we always had to do yeah we we got two we got two guys we need like a woman or two and then another two comics and then you're just like frantically texting at midnight like hey can you do the show tomorrow? I guess. Why don't you ask me on Sunday or last Wednesday? That's what happens when it's weekly though. You just like, can't get ahead of it. And so you're just booking a day of all the time. Yeah. Well, yeah. And I had three idiots, uh, barely helping me. You have two idiots barely helping you. It's tough. I mean, I think Kobos

does most of it, actually. Yeah, I was trying to be kind, but I figured and when it sucks, when he's the brains, he's the leader. And then you two total rods on either side of him just blowing it, just forgetting when that what is the show

every Wednesday or Thursday? Yeah, he shows up on Tuesday tuesday dude where are you guys um and cory is it's the cobo's books the out-of-towners i book like the young lady comics so i can be predatory towards them come on man don't say the quiet part everyone knows i'm kidding no they don't they don't know you this is the free wall yes they do they don't know you not everybody listens and it's like oh yeah i remember pat he rules and he's always kidding why would someone admit to doing that yeah i guess have you ever watched an old bill cosby interview yeah he admits it a bunch thousand times.

Yeah, his whole career was him joking about trying to slip something in a woman's drink. Okay. Such a narcissist. Do you think you can get away with it even as you admit it slyly and coyly? You little coy bitch. I am coy, but power does nothing for me. I don't give a shit um i'm looking for love baby yeah on the random acts of blowjob subreddit oh yes i wanted to get into that at some point what the fuck but also i had a when when when you and sam recorded at my house, before you got there, Sam said my address.

And then Becker beeped it out. But later in the episode, I say it again, and it's not beeped out at all. Well, you were saying it, so we figured you wanted it out there. Why beep it at all? I don't know. I thought you said a made-up address, to be honest. I thought it was a different address than the one I bleeped out earlier. In between the first time and the second time, Becker got listening.

Becker got so high that he forgot that they were the same address. Yeah, I understand. That's Becker's move. I don't care. No one's come to my house. You might get a random knock on the door with some, you know, beautiful, horny young woman who says hey let me blow your jay i'm in love yeah let's hold hands i we have i will not sleep with the woman until she watches all of the jackass movies with me did you go alone i went with my friend jordan okay

yeah i haven't seen it yet sam loved it everybody loved it i haven't watched it yet becker and i should go see it at the theater here but we haven't yeah the only thing i'll say is like what going to a theater still makes me tight i don't want to oh makes his butthole tighten up yeah i don't love it either but i'm kind of thinking maybe everybody saw it last weekend so like if we went if they still have it it would probably not be as busy we could mask up yeah yeah we'll see maybe maybe people in the giant theater i went to when i saw it so weird i figured it was i figured it was blowing up in denver town i know i want that's what i wanted to i want like that's so fun to see it in the full theater but yeah we did go like 4 p.m oh yeah everybody else was working yeah uh so yeah you just

mentioned it that you have uh opened up a whole a whole uh new corner of the world that i didn't know about with this whole reddit yeah anonymous but what horny subreddits horny subreddits where women are pleading with gross no they don't say gross but just the posts are, Hey, I'd love to give a bunch of dudes blow jobs. Hit me up. If you are six, one or taller white, Harry, I like the specificity was some of the, some of the, or it wasn't even requirements.

It was just a preferential treatment given to right certain types of people and you with one of those posts i think the first one you shared with us you were like most you checked most of the boxes tall hairy gross i spoke with her. She wanted someone that had giardiniera in their belly button. Body shot. You spoke with... Sport peppers in my ass. You bailed, right? You chickened out like a wuss.

You were like, I don't like blowjobs. Yeah, I spoke. I talked to her for two weeks. You fell in love i just didn't i didn't like something about the way she was i don't know i just didn't get good vibes from it i can't do this this is insane for a while i was thinking i could do it maybe i could write a little article about the experience sell it to like vice or something but then i could vanity fair yeah reductress yeah you get in you get in there you get in at the gaw. So, yeah, you got scared. You pulled out, which is funny because you didn't even get a blowjob,

let alone sex, for you to pull out of. Yeah, well, she wanted it to be fully. Like, I'd have to be blindfolded in her apartment. You were getting robbed. Yeah, what? She's going gonna take your giardiniera yeah then you call the cops and you say I've just been robbed and I know what the address and then you give your address

like an idiot they come and kill you they shoot my dog they'd probably slip on the ice outside of your house because you don't fucking salt it because you don't fucking salt it because you rent it's not your responsibility but i supposed to shovel you're supposed to and mo it sucks that's dumb and larry and curly i heard you're supposed to do the whole the whole routine yeah i have this joke that i used to do and then i saw it on like this not this old man

and like had it on a novelty t-shirt and i was like i just wrote i just stole a novelty t-shirt joke that i've been trying on stage you saw this guy in the in in in town in person actually at twist and shout at the record store. That's the best way to know that you can't do a joke anymore because it's been done. Not searching it on Twitter. Not fucking hearing

a famous comic do it. A fucking old guy wearing it on a shirt. What was the headline when one of the three stooges died curly fries curly fries i said i care it's the electric chair i meant to say electric chair it was this was a long time ago okay god and that was on a shirt i don't know what's more surprising that you thought that was funny God, and that was on a shirt? I don't know what's more surprising, that you thought that was funny or that someone put it on a shirt.

Yeah. Like, I get... Curly in an electric chair, curly fries. Yeah, no, I get it. Believe me. I get the joke, quote-unquote, as I use my white glove to do air quotes. I've been taking screenshots of you with the white glove on I'm going to post them all over the subreddit

good you got the 9 to 5 poster in the background uh 9 to 5 you do in silhouette with your curls in the white with your white glove look like a really low rent

michael jackson impersonator yeah oh hell yeah fat michael jackson that's the one thing we didn't get why yeah why couldn't he have ever ballooned in size that would have ruled he would have could have looked like i'm sure he would weird out if he i don't know man he lived longer he was secretly like the biggest dopehead ever. Yeah, he was all fucked up. He probably didn't eat for years at a time. He would just survive on Gatorade. You gotta.

Everything he did on that much opiates is truly amazing. He makes Keith Richards look like a pansy. Damn. Did you say anything to the old man in the curly fries shirt did you say to the old man you stole my joke

sir that shirt stole my joke take it off did you hit up the t-shirt website and say cease and desist please I'll get a large large dog stop stop using my joke on this shirt big dog what how did it how did they how did how was it um portrayed i couldn't even fuck i couldn't even remember my joke i can't remember what the shirt said it just was like

it was curly in an electric chair like getting struck by lightning and it said curly fries and maybe there was like curly fries shooting off of them or something wow that is so funny i had i had several jokes uh when i was in vegas i had at least three times i would do a joke and afterwards it was typically matt markman who uh i think is in austin now but this dude matt markman would come up to me and say hey have you watched curb your enthusiasm and i would say no and he would say that one joke was on curb your enthusiasm and it was so fucking annoying after it happened, like I said, at least three times.

And then I refused to watch it because I was pissed. But eventually I did watch it, and it's great. Yeah, because he's the perfect angry man. He's very funny. Yeah, he's your spirit animal. Well, and it was nice to know. It was a few different emotions because it's annoying to have to stop telling a joke that you're excited about. But then it's also a little bit of, hey, you're on the right track because this was done by Larry David on his second huge show or whatever.

So something encouraging about it. I used to have this joke. Yeah, totally. I used to have this joke about like tricking my dumb friend into betting me while watching Space Jam. Like I bet for the Toon Squad and he bets on the monsters. Oh, I think you said betting.

Yeah. I think you're trying to trick somebody into sleeping with you. Oh, no, no, no. James. And then ESPN did a 30 for 30 on space jam, like a fake 30 for 30 on space jam.

And then there's like a bit about someone betting on it and that damn yeah whoa there's a 30 for 30 on space jam i don't know if remember if it's a full episode but there is like a you could probably find it on youtube yeah it's pretty funny it sucked when uh all the 30 for 30s went on to espn plus because there were a bunch of them on netflix and they all ruled like i couldn't believe that they could do a 30 for 30 on anything and it was all different filmmakers and it didn't matter they were all excellent and then all of a sudden they were gone and it sucked because i haven't seen the rick flair one i haven't seen uh that's the main one that i wanted to watch because i i'll bet it rules

and i haven't been able to like uh i just watched the dark side of the ring on the the plane ride from hell yeah yeah yeah i don't know that much about wrestling but yeah yeah that's the dark side of the rings are great because there's so many awful stories like that tragedies and then that one kind of sucks because it's just some of you know some of your favorite wrestlers being drunken dickheads to flight attendants but yeah yeah a lot of them are up because it's just like But yeah, a lot of them are fucked up because it's just like, you know, some of these guys and women have been just addicted to success and then addicted to painkillers. And they're always in pain, too.

Like, that's part of the shitty part is that, like, in order to be a wrestler, you just have to, like, live with a bunch of awful pain almost every day and uh yeah with off with oftentimes horrible uh consequences yeah i think that like in the culture for so long was like it was like a badge of honor to be like doing it all fucking hurt all the time but it was yeah it was and it's uh chris benoit was like had like a million concussions like they didn't give a shit oh yeah yeah he was uh doing the headbutt off the top rope and taking unprotected chair shots to the dome and it it's not funny what happened but it is funny because... It's kind of funny, actually. No, what I think is... Killed himself with workout equipment.

What I think is funny is that he just did push-ups until his heart exploded. Best heel turn in wrestling history. He... Part of the reason that people didn't notice anything wrong with him was that he was always kind of quiet and intense. And I don't want to say

dumb, but I think he was kind of dumb. So people didn't expect a lot out of him. He wasn't out there fucking quoting Faulkner. I don't know. I sound like an idiot right now. I sound like a real Benoit as I try to make fun of Benoit.

But his brain turned to mush and nobody really noticed because he was still able to wrestle and he could never really do a good promo. So that part wasn't of concern. And yeah, next thing you know know the dogs are in the the dogs are in the garage or whatever he texted the dogs are in the pool house sam likes to quote like he loves to yell that at lucha libre and laughs and it's like dude it's so fucked up it's like talking about Macbeth during a play you know it's like come on don't

it's nothing sacred but of course Sam's a bad boy he's the Benoit of the Denver comedy scene he's gonna kill Emily and Gordy for sure we can't tell he keeps bumping his head and getting concussions and we can't tell because he's gonna bump he keeps bumping his head and getting concussions and

we can't tell because he's just always super dumb what were you trying to say himself with he would hang himself with a nerd's rope he would or he'd get fruit by the foot and he would like you know freeze it he'd put in the freezer for a week so it would get stronger and then he would fashion it into a almost a guillotine. He'd sharpen it. Jesus Christ.

Kill himself with a fucking icy fruit roll-up fruit by the foot, whatever. This is Becker's territory. What, he's gonna make you sound smarter? That's not his job. No. Snacks, you idiot. Snacks. Alright.

I couldn't understand. Put it on a shirt. Becker, if you can hear my breathing through this whole episode, you have to pop a gate on it so people don't hear me breathing the whole time it's not picking up okay you're heavy breathing from talking yeah yeah you're winded uh so you uh did you share a second anonymous blowjob post is there another potential yeah love connection why are you so

interested in this you want i'm because it's hilarious it's fascinating sam and i have both been with our wives for like 10 years so we do not we don't get a lot of this insight into the new yeah world like dating and hooking up and all of that we're like this is not dating or hooking up these are freaks online yeah but they're everywhere and it's a thing and there's and i'm including polycules and throuples like these are all newer or you know maybe they've been around i'm talking maybe they've been around for a long time but they're becoming more common more accepted more you know it might have been more of a fringe thing and now they are you know i don't know it's just more more celebrated the idea of like non-conventional

love or whatever and it's exciting and it's fun to hear about from the youth i'm turning 40 in a few months i'm practically dead and it's nice to be able to hear from the z's the zoomers what how old are you 28 31 baby 31, you're getting up there. I squeaked in in 90. I was born December 28th, 1990. And I wish I could hear about the next thing coming up from Noah, but he's fucking blowing it. He's practically Amish in his knowledge of the world, so you're better than that.

I think Noah's way more likely of doing a Benoit than Sam T. No, would have to get a fucking girlfriend first. So I think he's safe. I was joking. I don't think, I don't think Noah's dick works.

So I don't think he'll be able to have a kid that he can eventually murder. That's good, I guess. I'm sure he'll have to deal with that and he'll be a little depressed about it. You got me on the exhale. That's a rough time, dude. Sorry.

It was perfect. Like Nathan said, if he ever squirms his worm somewhere he's ever able to convince someone to come over well he's getting a new place now that's step one i suppose he's getting his own place moving out of uh pat's house over on 1206 lafayette don't believe it becker that one that one was fake okay and uh i think that that will help him because you know it's a little easier but also that house is pretty sick so maybe it wouldn't maybe it would i guess it depends if his new place is nice cool because uh he's got his own place. But if it sucks, then he may need to bring some ladies

to 1504 High Street because that was a big old house. It's impressive. It lets you know, hey, there's some money somewhere in here that might be able to take care of me. And then the panties drop. Yeah, it's true. Wouldn't it be funny if noah moved out and all of the furniture that the house was his he just has way too much in his new little

studio it's just filled he takes away all those african drums and like headdresses are his yeah he bought all that stuff like well it's rightfully mine i mean it's not like we pitched he wrote all the checks come on pat you didn't go to africa i went to africa uh so yeah best of luck to Noah. Hopefully he'll get his little butthole fingered sooner than later so that he can, you know, not Benoit himself. Yeah, I wanted him. Yeah, this other post circling around. This other post on random acts of blowjob.

It was like some lady in Denver looking to get throat fucked. I did not fit the requirements for this one. Why? My pee pee is small. Long enough to throat fuck. Yeah. Another big pee pee. I don't know why I assume Noah has a big penis, but I think

it's because he's like kind of retarded. I just always assume retarded people have big penises. That is not true. I just always assume retarded people have big penises. That is not true. But the main thing for me would be because he's thin, he'd have a fighting chance at a good one.

Yeah, that was more my thought. He's small and thin, so even like a normal hog on him would look meaty. Yeah, because the bigger you get the more your gun eats up your cock god i hate the word yeah i have to get so skinny to lose that though oh yeah you're all fat down there you're pudgy not bad but for it to be like no fat there i have to be like under 160 pounds no fat there i have to be like under 160 pounds yeah who wants to do that that uh your shirt says disneyland but it looks like disney lard oh no now now it doesn't sorry no it was yeah it was just funny uh since we're talking about being fat but uh what else should we talk about damn it we gotta finish strong i saw this thing about how disneyland's like opening like a a neighborhood like a community and the headline was like people who want to make disneyland a

bigger part of their life can move to dis's new neighborhood yeah give Disney more of your money you tool maybe your parents will get back together keep all the Disney adults in one place they've been doing it for like a decade no but they've been doing it for like a decade and those neighborhoods are like creepy you can read articles about it like they're HOAs on steroids like you can't you can't do anything that doesn't fit with it like you can't say dreamworks out loud or you get fine you can't have a Shrek you can't smoke in the community like there's a bunch there's a bunch of like really strict i'll bet it's a people have to abide by similar requirements to uh that original blowjob

lover six one hairy white white yeah um boy yeah i could see that going south Boy, yeah, I could see that going south. I'm going to post some blowjob requirements or random acts of blowjob and make the requirements just describe Mickey Mouse. People will think you're making a minstrel joke. Yeah, you describe Minstrel Mouse. Oh, it's true. Nah, you could do it.

High-pitched voice. Tail. White gloves. Love cheese. Oh pitched voice tail white gloves love cheese oh yeah white gloves i i answer it i'm like i got the gloves part steamboat uh yeah walt disney wanted to do a community genocide in Florida right and then it didn't happen or did it it it did later uh his brother put it into effect that's what I was saying they've been doing it for a long time I think they're just adding another neighborhood oh but it's it's insane and i think a lot of it ends up being people that work at disney world because it makes your commute not heinous yeah it's a company or uh what's a company town right like they used to do with the mines and rockerfeller yeah kind of but it's open

to the public like we could move there So it's not quite the same. Like you're not paying directly back in and things aren't overpriced like those old company towns, but the rules, like those are the people it sucks for when you're just like an employee and you think you're getting a sweet deal on a house and then you move there and you start finding out about these crazy intrusive HOA rules they have. Yeah. Any HOA is dumb, i would imagine the disney one is even stupider yeah if you watch toy story you're out of here you better close the blinds like you're

required to decorate at christmas oh yeah and shit like that where the employees are like so like i have to double my electric bill because it's a rule yeah it's fucking insane they also have to like kiss it when they eat spaghetti they have to do ladies you're not allowed to eat spaghetti alone yeah you have to have italian guys singing at you uh the night um yeah that's bad i don't like that at all well yeah and anytime i've heard about hoas i always get annoyed because i think of the people that are on the committee or whatever and they they must be just the most joyless bug up their ass pieces of like you're so bored and then you decide to lord over the other bored fucking people that live out in your community and rat each other out amount of power anyone could ever have and it goes to their heads because people need to mow your lawn you need to fucking suck my dick is that an h-o-a you have to suck

my dick anytime you talk to me about my lawn and about how i start paying this hoa when we get a pool the community pool going yeah that's the other thing is it's a giant money hustle yeah it's ridiculous none of those people do anything to justify the money they're getting paid anywhere in the fucking country right yeah they're not doing shit they're like it's just snitching on each other yeah uh yeah i hate my mom has an hoa and she still just shovels her own driveway because the guys they hired to like plow the driveways and of like smashed into like everyone's garage door and she's like i don't want to dent in my garage door like everyone else so they can't they can't not blow it just plow into your fucking that's pretty fun where does your mom live really

there's even hoas and greely now right yeah fuck off i live in greely i can't possibly be tasked with a list of requirements for my day-to-day barely getting by if your town's air smells like shit and blood you should be able to have your grass whatever fucking like you want yeah i'm trying not to bend on my family every day over here i don't need you up my ass about fucking how tall my fence is or whether you can see a small piece of dog shit for more than six hours. I'm busy. Crippler cross-facing my toddler. Get out of my hair.

God. Oh God. It's I know that that, that is possible. I don't know if that was like fact or fiction that he put his kid in his finisher, but I just thought about how, if he would have, if that was like fact or fiction that he put his kid in his finisher but i just thought about how if he would have if that were real the idea that he like does a head butt head butt off of his roof onto his neighbors and he just he german suplexes his dog until it dies. He just starts fucking wrestling people to death.

Just clotheslining someone. The cops sit there and he's on his roof. He just like headbutts every cop to death. He starts taking a chair and just whacking the cop car with it like go down

I'm supposed to go over tonight thinks he's in fucking Fort Wayne, Indiana doing a house show stop no selling me yeah we're gonna sell you brother that's what we're gonna sell his brain to science

yeah uh god that was so uh that was so wild because it was like oh yeah another dead wrestler and then you just started hearing more and more and it was just the worst thing you could imagine oh yeah his brain was so uh fucking mushed like a potato that uh he didn't know anything about where he was or what he was doing and the putting the bibles next to people was weird like how many bibles he had three bibles in the house like what is that that's a that's the warning sign i think if you have more than one it's like yeah i've got a bible that i highlight and i write in the margins and then i have a pristine bible that i don't write in at all yeah and then the third one i don't know you got joke ideas in the back the empty pages are like

riffing i was laughing watching that dark side of the ring because there's like a part talking about how because eddie guerrero got him yeah which one because eddie eddie guerrero like got him to start carrying a bible around and he'd like write in his bible and i was just laughing at the idea of him writing in the bible and it just was like peepee poo poo his brain's gone yeah because he just can't read her right oh yeah it's just like who is this god character they keep talking about is he real is he a woman yeah uh he thinks it's a dog he reads it as dog every time and he's like dogs run the run the whole planet huh all right that's why he had two dogs and he didn't kill him he had respect for them in the pool room but i'm in the pool room. Put them in the pool room. Oh, yeah.

I think they were by the pool, which you want the dogs to have a nice time splish-splashing while you kill the rest of the family. Throw some balls into the water, and you're like, all right, you guys take care of yourselves for a little bit. Ugh.

God. He kills the dogs and puts little dog bibles next to him what is a dog bible i don't know oh i just pictured a bible with like an embossed dog on the front yeah pretty. It would have to be like the YouTube videos that have the calming music that plays. I don't know. You open the Bible and it just is pictures of meat and squirrels

and calming music comes out of it. 16. That's good. Yeah. Do you have any shows coming up that you want to plug? that's good yeah do you have any shows coming up that you want to plug look ratio every Wednesday 8pm Denver

you guys do that in the back yeah when it gets nice I think we'll do it on the side patio again that was fun is there a stage out there now um they set one up yeah okay it's pretty cool cool we had some fun ones out there but it's a free show every wednesday what time come on out 8 p.m all right and birthday piss on instagram go nuggets flip mode we're the way on spotify yeah and you have a new you have new music on band oh yeah and spotify i never push my music because it's just i think of it as like a hobby

more than anything no it's good it's better, I think of it as like a hobby more than anything. No, it's good. It's better than your comedy. You should focus on your music. Your comedy is on some old man's fucking t-shirt. So I think maybe make more music. No, I like both of your things. You're good at both. Thank you. You're good at both thank you you're good at business

like nick crawl said and uh yeah the new album i'm gonna buy it i know i told you i was not going to and i wanted you to give it to me for free but i was kidding but i also haven't bought it yet but i'm going to it's on bandcamp you can just listen to it on spotify too i don't give a i thought you said it was only on bandcamp right now or that was a couple weeks ago um yeah it'll be the i've released two like in the last month or so one comes out friday tomorrow and one's already out but buy it off game camp or just listen to it on spotify all right well i will probably venmo you and listen to it on spotify so how about that giraffe fights on venmo send me money they don't pay me for these can you believe it chubby chasers i haven't gotten a cent and i've

done over a hundred episodes of this podcast yeah a lot of times you uh we just mute you so you're not actively in the episode but you were on zoom it's like going off and you can't hit me oh yeah yeah a lot of yeah and then becker just edits out the yeah uh silence sam maybe ours in your voice as we pretend to listen to you. Becker, you want to plug anything? You got anything coming out? You got a new haircut? That's pretty cool. Looking good.

Thanks. Becker, you look hot. Thanks, buddy. Yeah, I got to go do weird things, so I needed to look presentable. Weird things? Do you have to go to court no i have to go to a baby shower and a funeral jesus oh yeah yeah sorry man is it the dead

is it the dead bodies kid no that would that would be even worse so thank you that's true there's so there's a bright spot well the odds are pretty high in Trinidad. Yeah, no, I gotta go up to the Springs for both. That's a hell of a... Is that this weekend, both of them? Saturday is the baby shower, and then I just found out

right before we started recording that the service is Monday morning, so I gotta figure out next week. Don't get them mixed up with my shifts don't get them mixed up i won't i promise promise yeah but i didn't want to show up looking like the same drug dealer i was in high school with that haircut so yeah you look like a lawyer now you look like a scientist lawyer hoa motherfucker yeah yeah so that'll be good put a bible next to the casket and next to the baby

as a joke that'll be fun uh baby bible little baby shower should be cool i'm seeing a bunch of people i haven't seen in like 10 years well both of them you'll see a bunch of people you haven't seen in a while but different vibes i'm sorry about your friend that sucks yeah yeah dude he pulled a bob saget well but did he because now isn't there or were you on that i don't think i even know what happened about second he had his head in his room yeah but somebody in the bar said that the new the latest development was that there might have been someone that that hit him and so they the cops might be looking for someone that might have like attacked him or something i don't know yeah it would have still had to have been in the room he broke the top of his orbital

and you're not moving around after that oh okay so maybe i don't know whoever you know it's it still could be foul play but it would have had to have been on the room but yeah my buddy was he bonked before it was he like fucked up i don't think so he might have been like a little bit drunk but he was in his bedroom so he either tripped or fainted or passed out hit his head that's so sad yeah yeah yeah like what a shitty way to go out i'd be so pissed if i died like that something dumb yeah you definitely want it to be something more like brave or exciting dangerous risky but that's i mean that's dumb isn't it most people just like die in a dumb little way like yeah i don't know i want some yeah i want to milk it i

want to get a terminal illness and like get a bunch of money from people and milk it. You want it to be prolonged and episodic and twists and turns. Torturous. I want to put my family through hell. Lose a bunch of weight. Look real good. Do a random acts of blowjob post about dying get some pity sucks there are those posts on there too it's like a little person will be like i'm 45 years old and

i've never been sucked off please and then it's just 47 comments of guys being like let's help this little fellow get sucked off why are they little because he's a little person oh gotcha has never gotten any little person big dick seems like that would be a community that would support each other and suck each other. I'd watch that on TLC. Well, I am going to be in Santa Fe tonight, but who cares? Oh, cool. I love Santa Fe. Going down to Santa Fe tonight, but that doesn't matter. Tomorrow, I'll be in Fort Collins.

What? Santa Fe for a show? Yeah. Yeah, I'm doing a show. It'll be fun. I'm saying who cares because this will come out like tonight. So the show, you know, I can't get people to come out with this episode. But tomorrow, I'm at the aggie in fort collins opening for todd berry and then friday no on that as well or something what was that about no no no i asked if i i think he asked if i was gonna get a hotel room in denver and i said yes

and he said can i can i stay with you i'm pretty. I don't want to put words in his mouth. I want to put something else in his mouth. But hopefully we have two beds so that we can have a nice little. Well, you know, it would be annoying if he wants to sleep in the bed next to me because at his house, at Pat's house, he doesn't let me sleep in the bed next to him. So he makes me sleep in the basement he makes me sleep far away from him why would he sleep in the hotel with you is he he's not on the show no i think he just you know we haven't seen each other in a while uh i was i was staying sleepover he misses me yeah so we'll see if if i have two beds i'll probably tell them to come hang out at the oriental theater they call themselves the o now which is very annoying to me just fucking change the name of

it to something else don't shorten it and be like oh yeah we're the o and everybody calls us the o it's like get over it if i can figure it out pivot do something more creative than shortening it's like if you called it the n it's like you can't don't call it the n we know we know what that's short for but anyway so yeah i'll be there also opening for todd berry and still say it for only five bucks and uh yeah check check out our patreon we got a bunch of great episodes on our patreon you can get in there and access all of the uh patreon episodes for five dollars a month that's at patreon.com chubby behemoth we have chubby behemoth shirts. Thanks to our friend Nicole. Hit

her up on Instagram at threadbelly303. Get yourself a shirt. It's $20 plus shipping. I also have a couple of calendars that you can order from me if you hit me up on Instagram at NathanLundComedy.

They are $20. if you hit me up on instagram at nathan lund comedy uh they are 20 uh i'm gonna opening i'm opening for sam a whole bunch uh in the coming months we're going to indianapolis we're going to austin we're going to uh the south i know we're doing a bunch of random shows between like tuscaloosa birmingham i think nashville go to samtalent.com and you'll see uh when i'm opening for him when him when he's opening for tim dillon either way there's going to be a lot of uh non-random acts of blow job there's going to be plenty of scheduled and i will be on that and i will be on at all those shows with them documenting it looking for random blow jobs in every city we go to so yeah but all those shows that's going to be handing out dog bibles left and right we will sign them for you and you can give them to your dog before you

put them in the sharpshooter a sharp a sharpshooter