Chubby Behemoth - No Touch Terrance

Episode Date: April 8, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Squiffed Like A King. You're Not My Wife. Shut Up And Slurp It.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Hey everybody, Chubby Behemoth in the house. Perk up your ears and wipe your butts. What's up, bud? Hey, Michelob. Remember the frogs that had a drinking problem and Down syndrome at the same time? They were scary. They gave me nightmares. Did they really? No, I was an adult. i was drinking budweiser when

the frogs came on the scene yeah they were just like a bunch of frogs who were raised within the confines of some like swamp gas situation and all they could say was one syllable each i liked them they reminded me of my friends. Yeah, except they said, cocaine, please. Yeah. I wish they said, please. No. They said, now. Ever tell you about that guy who died?

Northside Jerry died from cocaine and Greeley at a party. We were all at together. Whoa. No. Got another tragedy. No. Got another tragedy. No, not a tragedy. Cannot claim a tragedy on this one. He lived a pretty big, bold life.

When we first moved to Denver, me and Bonzo and Krusty. By the way, I'm eating pistachios this whole episode. Oh, shit. You got an hour. Yeah. Emmy's going to be You got an hour. Yeah. Emmy's going to be home in an hour. What happened last night? Did you get away with it?

Yeah, I always get away with eating nuts. But hey, listen to this. I'll get back to the story in a minute. This sucks, though. Me and Emmy have been together for 11 years. Last night, I find's she has a penis yeah she has a yeah i found out she had a penis yeah it sucks my wife i mean i love her she's been hiding it behind her balls

what a crazy way to find out your wife is trans you know it's just the whole time that dick's been behind her balls and it's like what what a surprise this is crazy very funny thank you get back to the story that's a good bit you guys should do that bit with your lovers run it on creature real quick lund no yeah get creature here let me let me run it on her real quick story about coke face mcgreeley died oh yeah so north side uh but seriously if creature comes in the room i really do want to run that on her i think she'd get a kick out of it no it's dumb everyone else has laughed uproariously at that what the neighbor guy old harley joe no i can't he's too new to the crew to be true you know it's still gonna be nice but i ran it on patrick on no on my dad my dad thought it was a hoot no my dad laughed real hard and then emily went dave

he said then he said her voice sounds deeper. Why did you see Noah and Patrick? Oh, I just called them to do the bit to them. God. What? I'm glad you're fired up about your hot new gag. Well, when you have a new gag, you got to run it on the most trusted members of the inner alliance.

And I figured it does too, because the joke is that i'm upset that she has a penis but i'm not i haven't been upset for 11 years that she has balls you knew she had balls yeah i'm a regular paul f tompkins over here yeah that's right you're the you're the cake boss now yeah becker you're a comedy expert what do you think about that great bit i i think it'd be fun if we weren't waiting for a real story about an interesting dead cocaine man named north side oh yeah so old north side so when we moved to town we were young we were dumb i had nine grand that i got from my grandpa when i turned 18 well he he worked for uh u.s west when it was mountain bell and he had a bunch of stock options and he gave all five of his grandkids stock options when they were born. And mine appreciated to nine grand.

And I got it on my 18th birthday. Guess how long that money lasted? What are you putting over under on it? If you got it May 7th, it was gone August 19th. Okay, Becker, your guess? June 14th. Okay, so no, it did last about nine months. Whoa, that's pretty good. Nine months. Yeah. But it was also coupled with student loan money that

I had full access to. So in about nine months, I burned through about $24,000. You biffed and squiffed. Oh yeah. Butiffed like a king man and that's you know what i was doing with that money buying 50 eights every day instead of an ounce for 250 yeah that's done off of off of my friend crusty who could have just been like hey man why don't you buy an ounce or why don't we go into business together nope i fucking put so many goddamn dustin dolan posters on his fucking wall. Anyway. Who is that? He's a great skateboarder for the Baker team from Australia.

Oh, okay. Yeah, and he lived at our house for like three days, and he fucking drank Magners just 24-7 and would like piss all over. Cider? Yeah. I remember Magners. Guess how many pistachios I've had. Over 100 pistachios I've had.

40. No, since we started, Becker. God. I thought you were making, doing work. Yep, something like that. So anyway, I had nine grand. I had an apartment where older women would come over and fillet me because I was an improv virtuoso. I had an apartment where older women would come over and fillet me because I was an improv virtuoso.

So that was the move, dude. Get a 32-year-old over there with fucking heavy Fs that hang past your belly button. Woo-wee. Those were the days. I was fucking clowning around. God, that fucking apartment reeked like I would smoke fucking weed out of bongs in there and bang elderly women who those were the days i smell like baby powder and yeah dude why do they always smell like baby powder i don't know a 50-old baby in the house. We know a person like that. It's not an isolated incident.

That is a phenomenon. No. No, it is not. Shout out to Mo. You're on one. This is a free one. Come on. Yeah. Mo knows she smells like baby powder.

It's all good. Okay. She's our homie. Stop eating pistachios. Finish the fucking story. You're not my wife. Alright. You can't tell me

what to do. Your penis has been hid behind your balls our entire time we've known each other. Also, the dick is on top of the balls. None of it makes sense. It sucks. D minus. I'm just thinking about those old ladies I used to bed in that smelly apartment.

God damn, those were the days. They were just happy you were there. You didn't have to do a good job. You had light in your eyes, so they were like, oh, gimme, gimme. Yeah, he's not like Daryl at all. You know? Yeah. God damn.

Just the heaviest breasts. And they take off. This was this was pre shapewear, too. So you knew what you were getting into. There was no nasty tricks or deception involved. You saw the dick right away. Oh, yeah yeah those balls can't hide that thing yeah there was one that really got my she's getting my juices flowing right now emmy's about to come home and i'm gonna treat her like a portal to 2005

i gotta shower first because i reek but uh that's neither here nor there. What have you been doing? I went on a long-ass fucking walk around Basalt, and then I found like those, they have free bicycles up here that are free for half an hour. God, I've been pounding that thing. I was out for like two hours today just exploring, exercising. That's why I get you all these pistachios because I'm in a net negative for calories today. So anyway, there I am i am 2005 18 years old a fucking prim and proper a lean 265 probably god i was hot back then i thought but i thought i was fat that's the thing i thought i was big yeah that's annoying i had no idea how bad it was going to get right yeah we gotta go back and be like dude live it up yeah look at you wearing a 2x from the gap you're healthy right yeah you're big king shit you don't have to have your clothes flown

in on private helicopter from dubai hold on pistachio pause ah we're never gonna find out about jerry poor jerry it's just in limbo so my dick is chapped from banging chicks who were born in like i don't know 1972 i mean it was awesome uh gold frap was at the top of the charts remember that band no no oh my god i used to pound to that band jesus gold frap yeah put on the strokes and stroke away god damn i was i was killing it this was all pre the uh you know before i fell into the web of that person with borderline personality disorder anyway uh so there i am wearing cutoffs i have a mohawk and i went to school i went to college my first my first day of college mohawk blue flannel shirt basketball shorts flip-flops so you know that guy was getting gash i couldn't get enough oh yeah i was just sniffing squiff yum yum all i but she's having

and she's having my dick all right anyway you're in greeley at a party oh yes so we meet a man named northside jerry at a party that i believe jj hilger threw somewhere in the highlands uh jj went on to uh have a face tattoo and worked at high dive for a long time before he quit to paint houses just like my old man and uh did he ever houses or no no okay it's a drive-by trucker song so anyway we uh meet this guy he gets some of the best cocaine we've ever had and he lives uh right by the broncos stadium at like 14th and federal so we can just take the uh the fucking 16 that goes west on colfax we'd hop that bus go over there he just wanted someone to hang out with him because he lived

with his mom in this like tenement over there so we'd go over there and he'd sell us like fucking you know eight balls a blow for like 120 bucks and remember i've got nine grand slowly dissipating all right so all my friends go to school elsewhere they're all at boulder they're all at csu but a lot of them went to university northern colorado and greeley because as you know my friends are uh deadbeats who uh confuse numbers for words so we're at a party and uh we're going to a party and Northside's like, hey, man, can I come out with you all tonight? If I do, I got some fucking primo fish scale that's fresh off the block. And we're like, Northside, say less.

So you put Northside. Yeah, yeah, I invented that. That was my thing. I was like, Northside, do you understand the assignment? It was for 2005. Northside's like, I don't know, probably 32, 35.

We're 18. We get right up there with a 17-year-old girl who one of us was betting at the time. Not you. I don't know. I don't remember the consent laws in the state of colorado but one of us was 18 17 that's who cares that's cool right yeah yeah it was really cool if you know what i mean allegedly i don't know which one of us was betting her but anyway we're up there she's

driving she's surviving i'm thriving as long as it wasn't jerry wasn't jerry no jerry ever knew a woman's touch hence his crippling cocaine addiction so we get up to this party my boy alex nichols is throwing a little party because his sister lived up there or no his sister's friend lived up there so anyway we're partying having a good time keg stands i'm perfecting my underhanded beer pong toss because we're playing in a garage where the ceiling's too low for me to go overhand without hitting the elbow over the line. You've seen me play beer pong, right? Yeah, I'm sure we've played. Yeah, I toss underhand because I used to scrape my knuckles

on the garage ceilings when I would play. So anyway, I'm the man. Everyone knows it. when i would play so anyway i'm the man everyone knows it this sucks no this is good listen a man's about to die so uh we're partying and then we end up crashing at this girl's house and we're like before we leave we're like where's north side well he's 35 he'll probably figure it out. You know, we're all, we're so gacked on fucking blow. So we, uh, we, we go to bed, we wake up the next morning and my friend has a bunch of phone calls from a number that he doesn't recognize. And he goes to check his voicemail and it is a woman speaking in a severe Mexican accent. Uh, you know, and she's going in and out of Mexican, in and out of English. I call it Mexican, not Spanish. Pistachio.

God. What? They love it. Hold on. People are going to complain. Swiggle water for the working man. It drives certain people really like to vomit, to hear people chew. Well,

guess what? Chicken butt. And you want to guess why? Chicken thigh. Very good. The defense rests, your honor. So long story short,

this is North side's mom calling us cause he's in the hospital somewhere in Greeley. And, uh, we go to the hospital and we ask where Northside Jerry is we don't know his last name or anything we're just like it's like like a older Latino man wearing like a Cincinnati Reds fitted come in here last night and they're like oh yes he did he's passed away so now we're in the situation where we're pretty bummed you know but not like that sad because we barely knew the guy we're pretty bummed you know but not like that's that because we barely

knew the guy we're like oh no that sucks where are all his possessions you know we want to know where that stuff is can we get the cash so anyway now now are you are you uh related to him no we were just partying so we figured we're next of kin uh ish he's just an adult we know that would buy us a green bottle saint poly girl and sell us cocaine anyway we got to get out of here so now we have to like call his mom and tell her like i didn't do it um crusty did and he was like yeah man sorry mrs north side but your boy passed on and then she's like weeping and weeping so we stay up there the next day and you'll appreciate this lund uh we've said the next day we party and a little sex happens you know what i mean you'd appreciate that at the party

i don't remember when we're getting it in though and not doing a good job but we had all this cocaine we had to do in his honor then we drove home the next day and uh about two days later we were all like oh shit now we don't know where to get cocaine so that's the that's the that's the tale of north side jerry what happened god bless you know he died he had like a fucking overdose or a heart attack or something. Heart attack. And he was at the party, but you guys lost track of him so he died like outside of the garage or something?

I have no idea. We bailed to go sleep at this chick's house and we were literally being like, where's Northside? Oh yeah, he's an adult. He's not our problem. He's probably, you know, committing some kind of age of consent rape right now

but we out he was a monster i guess you didn't paint a full picture of him but i didn't know him that well at least it took forever to tell the fucking story yeah but it was full of laughs it humanized me we learned a lot that wasn't even the craziest thing that happened to me at a party in greeley one time we were up there partying and the next morning we woke up and a girl gave us a dog and that dog went on to be lumbo oh shit remember lumbo i do lumbo lumbo who was deaf from living in a bass drum and he died very early of like of dog lung cancer because he lived in houses where everyone

chain-smoked cigs all the time. Did he die young? I thought he got older. We got like six or seven years out of Lumbo. But they were good years. That guy fucking partied. Lumbo tied it on, dude. He drank so many beers off the floor he like ate people's weed all the time

he was living it up is north side the only person that's had a cocaine heart attack around you uh believe it or not becker yes i haven't lived the beautiful life you had why how many notches do you have on your bedpost yeah two or three but the the one was the funniest was my billy my buddy billy had a heart attack in high school when we were like 17 oh god and we were having an all-night house party and he was acting like he had bad heartburn like and like sitting on the couch like oh fuck like why do we eat so much pizza yep i don't know what's wrong and then finally at like i don't know 4 30 5 o'clock in the morning because he like went to go lay down on a bed and then came back out and was like hey

guys i'm gonna go to the hospital i think something's wrong with me and we were like cool do you need a ride or you guys weren't like cool you guys were like pussy shotgun a beer no we were kind of worried about him because he just all of a sudden left slurring him left and right nah he's one of my best friends but he just all of a sudden left and right. Nah, he's one of my best friends. But he went from saying he had heartburn to then like a couple hours later emerging and being like, I'm going to go to the hospital. And I was like, do you need a ride? Now that it's too late.

So he drives himself to the hospital and then comes back like four or five hours later and we're all about to crash. And walks in just like fine. And we're what happened what was going on and he was like oh the doctor said i had a heart attack they couldn't figure out why it was like dude you were doing tutors off the back of the toilet all night that's that's exactly what happened because yeah he couldn't figure out why because i didn't tell him yeah and he was healthy enough they were just like this is very strange yeah he was like i had a couple slices of pizza maybe it was the pizza and they're like no it's not that he's like no it's it's a heart attack uh there were there's a couple of ladies down here uh aaron and zoe that uh were in the bar wednesday and must have brought up oh they

brought up bar bar they brought up ron at bar bar and so then for like a half hour we started sharing stories of either bar bar or ron's uh the old speakeasy so that was fun yeah sam cut out yes she would have cut out eight minutes ago we can't hear you because you did something we can't hear you sam we can't hear you we can't hear you do something with your mic check the pistachios no put the pistachios down check the microphones just clogged with pistachio shells nothing's happening you didn't do anything

you silly rabbit I hate you so much I hope you can hear me this is going out as video so we're leaving this in figure it out we can't hear you do something I can't i don't know i have a dick for hands my hands are dicks can you hear us yeah yeah that's why he's losing it it i'll be you sam unplug and plug your mic back in old north side dekembe

i did then go to the mic the mic settings and make sure that you're on the right one no shit that's what i'm doing and that's when i did you say dip shit that's what i'm doing dipshit do your headphones have a mic oh no well if your headphones had a mic i was gonna say unplug your mic and use your headphones i thought he figured it out oh he's losing it Thought he figured it out. Oh, he's losing it. He'll rejoin. Did you kick him out?

No, that wasn't me. I think he said, I'll rejoin. I was trying to read his lips. But it was hard to tell between the fucks. Yeah, he was pissed. Poor guy. Thank God it didn't cut out when he was telling that fucking story about getting laid all the time and how much he reeked how bad and sexy was they have to burn that apartment down

oh yeah for sure i can't imagine people thought it was was haunted. It just still smelled bad. I so vividly remember the disgust on your face during that comedy debate when you brought up how bad he smelled. Which one? Does this work? You guys did a comedy debate about

who was the worst roommate. What the fuck? That sucked so bad. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened thanks producer extraordinaire how would i know what you check the cord did you see me you see the nasty things that i was saying yeah i mean thank god i wasn't miked or else we could not put this on youtube i was let's just say it was getting set. No. What did you guys talk about while I was gone? You were talking about, let me guess, Becker, you saw a cool car in Lund.

You had 15 Jack in the Box tacos on the drive up to Trinidad. No, we were talking about how that apartment probably needed to be burned down, that you were stinking up with bond water and geriatric pussy it wasn't geriatric they were 35 and they were fucking wet they were so wet dude that's the thing these young these young ladies they don't even know a thing about getting soaked these old ladies they come out of like a 12-year relationship to their high school boyfriend and they're like oh look at you whoa is that a misfits tattoo and you're like shut up and slurp it you're dennis rodman because you're rebounding well i don't let you do anything there's the men's sexual peak is like it's 17 through 19 and then women's like

35 to 40 it's fucked up no so that's perfect because i was at my peak and they were at their peak and they were on for you but i'm saying yeah that's not typical for the those two ages to just like meet except in improv improv classes that's right yeah that's exactly where those two Venn diagrams lap over. And no one's using condoms. Get out of here. So I, yeah,

I was talking about Ron's and Barbar. Look, you better have a condom on you. You know what time it is. You're 38 years old. I'm just a boy. Yes, you can call me Hunter.

Yes, I am your son's friend, but I'm not wrapping this thing up anyway ron's is where you had a lot of your conquest as i remember not a lot i had a very cool so i had i experienced the uh the highest of highs and the lowest of lows because at ron's one time i brought a young lady who i was hoping to do stuff with later in the night she worked at walgreens we were no and we were there at ron's and like there was music i think i don't know but all of a sudden i look over and this woman is on the couch hooking up with some rando and i was like

oh all right well fuck you have fun at ron's and i don't know if we would like went to Pete's kitchen and got a coach or something. I must've eaten my sadness away. Yeah. If you're like, if I can't get any sweet snizz, I'm going to eat 7,000 calories at 4. I am.

I'm going to have a breakfast burrito that makes women shudder. Yeah. That makes the staff that makes the staff quit. No one in this restaurant better be pregnant. Cause if you are you're about to miscarry after anything yeah so what it was they had a break they have a breakfast burrito that includes like all of the meat that they have bacon i feel like i feel like we've covered the coach oh god forbid times on this no we've talked about it once we can talk

about it again all right uh but And I'm also trying to remember. So they had that on the menu, and you could get green chili on it, and we would do that. And then we would add corned beef, right? Yeah. And then you put gravy and green chili on there. And cheese. Of course.

And gravy. Yep. And you top it all off with dollops of tzatziki sauce. And it was $23 dollars uh-huh and that's all the money you had your only income at that point was splitting 50 bucks with roger pigman norquist at lion's lair every monday yeah we had nothing uh literally nothing so yeah that was that was the low and then the high was i was there and a different uh young lady said hey uh what's up i've always thought that you were so cute and i had been single for like four days or something and i was like uh

and so yeah we went back to her place and it was great and then i'm so glad that you're low t now because back then dude when you were hornyny, the streets were paved with blood. There were just fucking skulls everywhere from your debauchery and putting it in in this. That's right. Yeah, I was semi-manic. Yeah.

Not semi-hard. You were torqued. Rock hard. You were Jones comma Pingo. That was good.ingo yeah Dr. Jones that's funny thinking of that little Chinese kid being like Dr. Jones Dr. Jones you're so hard you're so Pingo

I sure am damn it now we gotta raid this Nazi tomb so I can fuck all the gold the Ark of the Covenants just when i come dr jones i don't want to commit to that voice uh oh yeah and then the other one of the other things i remembered from ron's was there was a time where a dude tried to fight me and i i think he was he like thought that i would like cower and i was i think it might have been

that it was that same time because we went to ron's for like it was probably the same night and you're like look man i got nothing to fucking live for all right see that girl over there getting fingered by that bass player she came with me all right yeah yeah we're gonna kill it or spill it you wanna you wanna spice up my night sounds good he tried to eat a shell what did you do i was tricked you were tricked by us oh yeah it was it was a dark brown shell and i thought it was just nut. I thought I found the unshelled nut and no, it was shell. You break a tooth? Yeah. Ow.

My holo back molars. Ah, god damn it. And what? Look at that. That's tooth, dog. No way. Yes way. That's tooth, dog. No way. Yes way. This sucks. No, that's white tooth, man.

It wasn't very white. Yeah, it's my tooth. I think I gotta go. I think I gotta go to the hospital, right? No, have Emmy look at it as long as the nerve's not exposed. I can't let Emmy look at it. She'll know I've been eating pistachios. Oh, no. Yes.

You fucked up. If you go to the hospital, you're going to get a bill. I have to go right now. No. Well, I'll take off and we can have my guest on. Who's your guest? I have a guest. You guys, can I bring him on?

Let's hear from your guest. All right. So just look. This is the free one. one i'm just saying keep an open mind this is a free one dr jones i have to go to the hospital but just keep an open mind real quick all right i'm gonna take off well i went i went the wrong way hold on well i went i went the wrong way hold on i forgot i forgot where the door was i'm sorry everybody all right i'm i'm taking off all right bye pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter all right hello you're lauren begor it's me terence oh shally begorlin to you sure shamrocks and applesauce

it's me terence how are you today boys it's good to be here on your podcast. Why are you hanging out, Charlie? It's Easter weekend. St. Patrick's Day was a month ago. Well, listen here, me mate. My name's Terrence, and they call me No-Touch Terrence, the Minor Attracted Leprechaun. I'm attracted to children, but I don't act on it. That makes me valiant and brave. No touch, Terrence.

I'm glad you said that right away. We could have maybe had a nice little chat before you. Well, I guess maybe the law requires you to say it up front. Whenever I go from end of rainbow to end of rainbow, I have to stop along the way to warn me neighbors. But it's less of a warning and more of a promise that I won't touch their kids. I'm no

touch Terrence, the minor attracted leprechaun. God damn it. Well, I guess it's better to have you than nobody as Sam goes and gets his tooth looked at. Yeah, Sam just mounted his Harley and he's riding off to the dentist's hospital. But you got me now.

No touch, Terrence. Do you still have a tag on your hat? That kind of went out of style. No touch, Terrence. I leave it on so I can identify with the youth. So I have something to talk about when I approach them at the mall. I approach and I talk, but I don't touch. That's my promise.

Do you get hard? Don't y'all over here have something called the Fifth Amendment? That's in a court of law, not on a podcast. Well, let's just say me pot of gold is brimming when the kids are around the kids are swimming that's right i'm not allowed at the pool but you know i am allowed in the hotel that has a window looking out over the pool yeah i was gonna say you don't touch so it seems like you should be able to look. I look. Trust me. I look. But I don't touch.

Higgity, higgity, hoo. Higgity, hee. If it's in the name, then, you know, it must be true. Hey, Terrence, have you ever heard of the YouTube algorithm? Arr!

Tis! Yes, indeed. I've heard of it. I watch a lot of cool shows on there. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Camp Nowhere. That's one of my favorite films. It's on there for free. You're not watching for Christopher Lloyd, are you? No, no, no, no.

Good Lord, I'm not a Lloyd man. Uh-uh. But I am Terrence, the minor attracted leprechaun. Leprechaun pirate. You got a couple R's in there. Well, I do spend some time in international water every year, but that's just on my birthday. Because I don't have to make any promises at sea.

Yarmie narty-girty-gern. promises at sea yarmina gertie gurn was he were you a present for emily and sam were you left by a previous doctor or what no so sam was out on his bike ride today and he found me under a rock as he was searching for snakes to eat and i said don't blink't blink. And he said, why? What are you? And I said, I'm Terrence, the no-touch, minor-attracted leprechaun. And he said, well, I have a pod... He said, I have a podcat. I do a pretty good Sam impression, I do. He said...

Excuse me. Excuse me, I need to have a wee bit of the old pistachios over here. You're gonna make it even worse on Sam. When Emily comes home, she's going to blame him. She's not going to imagine that

you ate more pistachios than Sam. I haven't eaten the pistachios. I touch the pistachios, but I don't touch the kids. Oh, I dropped me damn nut. That sounds like me when I'm at the ball pit. Jeremy Nargi Dardy Bar.

Seems like you would be able to touch kids if you shaved your beard, because then you would just look like a fellow child. Yeah, but underneath me beard, there's a bunch of scars from a chemical burn fire i was in in old dublin are you the inspiration for freddy krueger no no i was inspired by freddy krueger though let me tell you not the dream stuff but pre-death i admire a lot of his work yar me garman ornishin oh wait i can't remember the the story is so fucking convoluted over 15 movies i can't remember if he actually touched kids or if he was if he was uh an innocent man was he innocent or no becker you know i think he was guilty oh you don't like scary movies yeah but i think he's guilty

from the lore but i'm not guilty i didn't know there were 15 uh well i mean there's a lot of them and there's a lot of them. And there's been remakes and shit. So I couldn't say for sure. Somebody's going to get mad and say, you don't even know about Kruger Kruger lore. If that's the only thing they get mad about on this episode, we'll have dodged many hail of bullets.

Hold on. Who's at the door? It's not safe sam uh health care in this country takes a while charlie big arlen i think i think sam's i think sam's back hold on let me go let him in maybe we should leave him be i like no touch terry no touch terry and north side jerry this has been a hell of a an episode for care a cast of characters. Good news, everyone. It was just me Grubhub.

I got me corned beef and me salt potatoes and I'm going to eat them down at the playground. You put the corned beef on a breakfast burrito. You got a coach on the way. I put the horn in the corned beef.

The what? The horn. breakfast burrito you got a coach on the way i put the horn in the corned beef the what the corn i put the horn in the corny beef i don't you put your horn or just being horny either way yes yes and i've been taking an improv class and i gotta tell you the chicks in that class do not suit my needs sexually they're all old yeah, that's right, they're all post-thirties and so yeah you are non-pingo I would imagine I am non-pingo, yes, but some of them will say, hey Terrence

would you like to see a picture of me wee one? and I say, you show me your wee one I'll show you my big one yornyarni garnigans oh god well but yes there's been a lot of uh there's been a lot of misconceptions about the minor attracted persons and i just want you to know that we don't touch we're just attracted we we admit that our cross is being born but we don't hang ourselves up on it that's yeah that's the new term isn't it minor attracted person yes that's

that's what we prefer instead of uh nonce or diddler or father of jake the snake grizzly grizzly yes uh grizzly artems yeah i think he's really artems aurelius i think is the is the family name then the first name of him and uh jake well i'm the first and last name and no touching let me tell you the buck stops here is that an Irish name, Aurelian? Yes. And I agree. Do you have any questions for me? I just, yeah. I mean, we're finding out more and more. Besides, what's the name of Jake the Snake's dad?

Any other questions? What was his finisher? I believe the single underhook DDT. Or it was the killer claw back in those days it was either a big chop a leg drop or some kind of claw technique because the boys weren't nimble that's right a lot of claw going on

but I'm nimble I jump from I dodge cases like no one's business because of the lack of touching I would imagine you're able to get off you can't find me fingerprints on there's nasty bits so you think uh they're nasty even though they haven't even uh reached sexual maturity why would it be inherently nasty hey talk slower i'm 40 so you better not be getting pingo over there.

Becker is like 33. I don't know. You look like a lot of the guys I hang out with there, Lund. A lot of the boys in the meetup groups look just like you. The other maps? Yes. You've got map face. So do you, Becker.

Becker, you look like you've done some things in a rest stop. Yeah. Yarny, garny, gingy, gorn. Thank God we've got video episodes now so that we get to meet people like little... No, don't stare at me.

It's almost as if the medium invited these kinds of innovations on the pod it's almost as if this wouldn't have worked beforehand but now or like we have you know 2 000 listeners that are going to be listening to the audio of this confused oh they would i know a thing or two about being confused, but you have to embrace it. Just embrace it, lads. It's not your fault. It's the way God made you.

God made me this way. Excuse me, I gotta go downstairs real quick. I thought maybe you were suicidal no touch Terrence because you have a noose but it's attached to your hat so I'm glad that you're going to stick around and not touch kids that's just a way for me to do my

best dances twirly twirly twarlings twarlings twarlings twarlings whirling like a dervish on saint mcgubbin's day you know what you could do speaking of uh pinocchio yes tell me about the boy puppet well before he's a real boy he's made out of wood you can make that's right i get made out of wood when i hear this story you could you could do whatever you wanted to a uh childlike doll because there's

no soul yeah you're you're you i knew i recognized you from the chat groups yeah i'm trying to i'm trying to help i'm trying to come out with come up with creative solutions so that some of these maps can stick around and not have to off themselves. Wait, are you ChevelleFan664? That's right. I'm two before the devil. Excuse me while I have a pistachio. You're going to be the cause of Sam and Emily's

divorce if you keep putting back pistachios. Emily is at no risk when it comes to Terrence, let me tell you. She's much too full-figured and busty for me to be able to chub up my nub for her. But when Sam shaves and he puts on those little boy shorts,

good lord, it's about to rain seed like we're at Monsanto Tornado. Lornigarni Chinchibor. Oh, shit. Well, I should probably get out of here, aye?

Yeah. You've perfectly stayed your welcome. All right. Well, I'll be taking off. I think I hear Sam's... I think I hear Harley pulling up outside. He's one of those comedians that hits a certain age and his career isn't working so he gets a harley uh yeah okay that seemed personal but remember everybody remember just because you're attracted to underage people doesn't mean you got to touch them. Unless it's your birthday and you're in international waters.

And you've had a lot of birthdays. So that's probably like 200 kids, right? Oh, I've had so many birthdays that I'm older than the covenant I signed with that priest in old cork. But anyway. Good luck with your cork. Thank you. you no touching i'll just be going down to me basement room again no touch terrence hey hey guys hey oh hi just got back from the old hospital dentist hospital i think you said uh no touch terrence said the old dentist hospital

oh you're doing like an irish thing we uh just interacted with a fun uh quirky leprechaun named no touch terrence who's had a leprechaun on yeah he was a real pedo you have a leprechaun in your airbnb so you should probably keep your head on a swivel. Oh, you mean that guy I met from underneath the rock earlier today? Yeah, you found him. I did, yeah. You forgot about him. I forgot, yeah.

I forgot that. Huh, well, I'm glad he could fill in while I was gone. He seems like he has some wacky ideas. You have pistachio brain, and so you forgot about the magical mythical creature that you found he seems pretty cool he just listens to menudo non-stop wait he told you about my harley young fuckable ricky martin oh you sound like he sounded like you've been hanging out with terrence too much and he made quite an impression gosh so lund how was the wrestling show how was your little wrestling event uh dude it was good it was very fun i missed it i did the old uh i up front i

said i've had to miss a few of these shows recently so to make up for it everybody give me your energy and they went and i soaked it in like and then you said at the mtv music video awards yeah yeah you soaked it in like uh when they have two for one uh dipped cones at dairy queen terrence pulls up in his little buggy eat them eat them all boys eat them all lads put the whole cone in there you're uh pretty good impression it was uh fun you were missed um mitch and i don't have the same chemistry you know no shit don't talk to him as much as you and so we were both kind of talking he was kind of trying to drive a little bit which i understand and so yeah he can't fit in the passenger seat he's too big yeah you had to take out the back seat like andre yep but uh so you know and and we can't

hear each other well uh you know because his head is three feet higher than yours there's no monitor we were on stage which i like i think more than being in the crowd but yeah we couldn't couldn't hear each other super well which made it uh difficult to like have the right pacing or whatever but it didn't matter it was fun everybody had a real good time uh did the wrestlers remember me do they don't remember me or they forget about me no they just think that mitch is you like hey what's up buddy 10 years nicely done you and lon back together again and you know sam you look horrible but also younger somehow yeah you look younger and better sam did you have calves put in where your forearms used to be? Whoa, Sam got that hand expansion surgery. That's crazy.

I'd like to see Mitch hold Noah in one hand. I'd like to see Terrence hang out with Mitch. Oh, no touch? We could tell Terrence that Mitch is 12 and has a disease. Nobody would be the wiser.

Nobody say 12? Terrence! No, Terrence. Arr, yar, me bad. Back to watching the parent trip. Which one? Are we talking the Lindsay Lohan one? Sure. Oh, yeah. You know, we got a friend who made out with Lindsay Lohan one? Sure. We got a friend who made out with Lindsay Lohan.

Is that right? Oh yeah. I can't tell you because he would be so mad. As soon as he told me about it he finished the story and then he went oh fuck, why did I tell you that? Why? I don't know. I think she was like asleep or something. I don't know I think

she was like she was like asleep or something I don't know she had had a coke fueled heart attack and was maybe dead gross well tell me you ever made out with a celebrity Becker

nope damn what about you, Lumb? No, no. I can't say that I have. Damn, but I would. I banged LaVon Helm's daughter. What? In the pink house.

What's the pink house? Yeah, what's that code for? It's the house where LaVon Helm lived in upstate New York. Oh, shit. i got in there i told her hey put your makeup on and do your hair up pretty i'm gonna come and then i did that doesn't really i mean it's not like she is a celebrity but still pretty cool. Still cool, I'm saying. No, no, it's okay. I also banged a lady who was in a...

Well, I figured maybe you guys had also danced on the tip of the blade of life like I had, but no. You knew that we had not. No, but I also banged a lady who was in a Rockies Autos commercial. And good God, good God, did she make a mess. Okay. I think i knew that that was when i was in tony and tina's wedding go ahead becker i've seen flash cadillac's bastard daughter do a lot of terrible things who's that is this a cartoon no flash cadillac was a rock guy rock singer a Okay, so this is made up. No.

Do you want to make a poorly concocted lie? Go ahead. He was in Goldfrapp. Oh, yeah. He was an old rock star who lived in the springs and had a bunch of bastard children. And I grew up with some of them. Didn't Kip Winger grow up in front of Bobby's house?

I don't know. Is that right? I don't know. Anyway. Is that right? I think so. Have we been an hour? Is this an hour? We're fucking riffing over here. We're getting pretty close.

But she'd put, like, you know, like, wine bottles in her pussy at parties. Oh, shit. Slurp it. She'd drain them. How old was she? She'd do it for, like, attention. I mean, we were all the same age, so. How old was she? Oh, it for like attention i mean we were all the same age so how old was she oh no no touch terrence tell me we were telling me about it 16 to 18 years old oh no she went to the well a few times terrence is having a pull

oh yeah that looked like he's jacking tennis rackets it was real weird oh dude and like nobody was excited when she'd do it she'd get like drunk and just like clear off a coffee table at a house party and be like watch this and everybody would be like god no I was gonna drink that wine

yeah oh dude I used to do it we used to do a trick in high school where there was this kid named chad who had boy tits and we would go up we'd go to girls with parties and be like man i think i think chad's tits are bigger than yours and they'd be like lol very funny boys and we'd be like no no i mean you're pretty or whatever but you got some bee stings chad over there his tits are fucking bigger than yours and then like three times girls would be like you know after this uh psychological warfare had been gone on for a while they'd be like no they're not look and they dump them we'd be like yes

we're the smartest boys in town playing chess yeah gotcha. We're playing Stratego. There was a guy at the show at Lucha Libre and Laughs who afterwards said, big fan of the pod, loves both of us, loves our stand-up, and he was like, dude, I used to love that Dean Kuntz joke, and I was like, you were the only one.

And he was like, no, there was a time I saw you do it in Boulder where it crushed, and I was like, oh yeah, that was the one time. Yeah. But yeah, it was funny for him. Of all the jokes, he loves the Kuntz stuff. And he also said that that night I kept attributing Stephen King books to Dean Kuntz and that was killing. And I was like, yeah, I guess.

I don't remember it really ever doing well. Yeah, I don't think that ever happened he he said it did and he i don't think that happened and i think i think the guy you just made up because becker made up a thing and you wanted to make up something too no the guy's name was flash cadillac is this the same look up flash cadillac flash cadillac's real uh his name you look him up in green lantern kia's real. His name was Green Lantern Kia. His name was Batman Subaru. Flash Cadillac. He's on

man. What's he on? Hepcat Records? Spotify. Flash Cadillac and the Pompadours present Three Groovy Nights. We hold it closer to the camera. He's on Spotify. So when I think of Flash Cadillac,

I think about some kind of rooster who plays a stand-up bass. That was like a late 60s rock band that was like a big deal. When you saw his daughter penetrate herself with wine bottles. Wine bottles, tennis rackets, really anything that was like

even kind of phallus shape that she could get her hands on drunk at a party this is worse than anything terrence has done this story nobody did it to her she was like you know into it yeah well you were like you were also like a no touch situation in that in that party right nobody was touching that nobody cared everybody was like boring there was a girl that uh that went to high school with me who was fond of queefing at parties but everybody loved it it was like yeah because it was she naked or just like doing it

no she wouldn't get naked i don't think but still cool she's very pretty oh we stayed at her house sam but we didn't meet her i hate when a chick queefs like at a party i like it when they do it you know in the boudoir but while while you're in there it's gross oh yeah when uh anaya anaya lost the title last night to war Horse. No way. Everybody lost their shit. And when they fought into the crowd and then when they came up. Hold on, I'm reeling. They came up. Shut up.

They came up behind us and Anaya for no reason just smacked the shit out of me right in between my shoulder blades. I just expect him to walk by. Instead he just whacks me like you son of a bitch also there was some heat because i think they stiffed each other or something so there was heat but we couldn't tell nick told us after but they they were a little pissed at each other and uh i couldn't tell even though we were right there so that was weird

do you remember when we first started doing lucha libre and laughs anaya and his cousin or brother whatever i don't want to break kayfabe but you know the it's his brother what were they called like the bakersfield bad boys or something left coast gorillas yeah yeah they didn't like us they didn't like that we uh we weren't you know protecting the business and we were making fun of the boys that's like before we figured out how to do it correctly, where we were putting people over while also having some fun. And they did not like us. Anaya's brother would walk by me, and I'd be like, what's up, man? And he would do this thing. He would just put his hand up like this and walk by.

I think that they were just dicking around. No, he literally told me. He's like, I want to fuck you up fatty whoa come on that was solid have another pistachio and tell me who's gross people love the pistachios honestly no they don't yeah they do i've been getting hit up by people they're like hey eat some more pistachios on the pod yeah yeah i love chewing coming through my car stereo they want you to get in trouble was the guy after the show who liked your coons bit was he wearing a helmet was he the guy was he drooling was he the guy that commented on mitch's dick yeah nice yeah he said yeah well he just said he loves the pod and then he was like said to mitch uh it's like oh yeah you

you get talked about on there and i was like oh yeah we always talk about how cool his dick probably is and mick was like mitch was like oh i appreciate that gentlemen yeah that fills me with joy that you guys talk about my rec member yeah i know about you and your dick from the podcast is what mitch said he said we do have a pretty cool like i don't think he said that i think i think i was the one that was like oh yeah we always talk we always wonder about your huge dong and uh yeah mitch blushed yeah i asked him if he dumped for the guy whipped it out yeah he whipped it out and everybody's like whoa this is the real show yeah and then we sold tickets he whipped it out and the whole room went white

that's right i love our extended universe that we have we've got uh noah patrick mitch uh carlos yep no women terrence yeah no touch terrence now the minor attractive leprechaun jeremy sharpie sharpie yeah bobby the lawyer guys we love you we you know look if you're a new listener that came in after my barnstorming event over there in old New York City, here's the kind of fun that we have. And look, gentlemen and women, we have finally cracked the Apple podcast top 100. We did it on April 5th. We were number 99. So what I want you to know is that we are fucking cooking with gas.

And if you want to support this podcast so we can afford to hire more great guests like no touch terrence uh we had to hire him that cost me three grand it sucks you guys are laughing you got six left over yeah my grandpa's money went to hiring a fucking non-sleper con but yeah support the patreon shelby behemoth is on patreon believe it or not patreon.com slash shelby behemoth five dollars a month gets you so many great episodes just the whole back catalogue over over 8 000 episodes are on there so five bucks a month gets you in uh yeah i don't know i just i i'm so excited for what we're doing we're fucking finally getting the respect that we deserve over here and it hasn't been easy faking this friendship between the three of us twice a week for the last three years

i don't like it all right but uh we do it when the cameras are on now and also you can watch these episodes now on youtube at uh at chubby behemoth on youtube yep this is only the second one right or third one that Yep. This is only the second one, right? Or third one that'll be video. This is the second one with video. It's like the sixth one up there, though. On YouTube. There's four without video that are just a solid image.

Whether you came in from... Before I get them up on Patreon, I think I got to download some software. Secker's white. Secker is white, everyone. I'm not'm not gross i'm the hot one i'm cool you do look like posain oh what yeah me no me the commenter said i look like posain oh yeah for sure yeah that's hard to take hard to take with a smile you look like posain i look like i'm insane in the membrane and one looks like posain a vagina i'm dripping also tour dates for

me everybody i'll be in austin texas april 12th that'll be exciting are we doing'll be headlining two shows in the Little Man at Joe Rogan's Comedy Club. That's cool. That's cool that I get to go there and do that. Yeah, I'm excited to do that. That's the only reason I'm going there. And then Comedy Works is sold out, of course, but you can come see me at the Comedy Fort. Or no, wait, Cedar Rapids, Iowa at Lucky Cat. And then Lincoln, Nebraska at Zoo Bar. Come see me do shows there.

April 18th, I'll be at Fort Collins for our charity event. The 19th in Philadelphia at the Helium. Get tickets. There's like 40 tickets left for that. Helium, Philadelphia. April 19th, Houston 420 at Secret Group. 421 at Lafayette, Louisiana. I'll be in New Orleans kicking around for a bit.

And then I'll be at Indianapolis for the Middle Ground Comedy Festival. Lunn, where are you going to be? May 19th and 20th, I'm at the Comedy Cabin in Janesville, Wisconsin. I've got two shows in Chicago the night before the 18th, which is the House of Blues and fuck something else. Thanks to two beers with Nathan. I'm going to do two shows. And then June, I'll be in Tulsa and Oklahoma City, Tulsa, working out the details.

That'll be either the June 8th or 10th. And then June 9th, I'll be in Oklahoma City with James Neen. I'm excited for that. I'm going to drive, so no fucking jet lag for this wet mag. That's gross.

Driving that far is going to suck. July 14th and 15th, I doing savage henry in eureka california but hey if you want to see more of us get on that patreon everyone where i do not eat pistachios on the pod uh hear more of becker hear more of lund hear more of me and for everyone who's been here since day one i want to say thank you because we have a list of people who smited us and wronged us and as soon as we ascend we will be doxing them and leaking nudes of their family so that's the promise right here smoke them if you

got them i gotta hide all these pistachio shells yeah you got work to do you gotta flush that tooth i we've got work to do don't touch