Chubby Behemoth - Not Why I’m Here

Episode Date: December 15, 2022

Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Not Circling. Old Janitors Trick. Last Blast.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

welcome to chubby bohemian hi with your uh with your host sorry with your host sam talent and there's no nathan lund that's all right we don't need lund because we've got sophie talent today on the pod everyone sophie how are we hell yeah we're good we're cold aren't we cold well i am yeah we're really cold man it's so cold that's becker sophie hi becker hey smoking inside yeah he smokes in his house like trash i wish he's been awake for like 10 minutes and he's already had two cigarettes before he even gets out of bed he's like winston churchill this is my first one 12 a.m or p.m

it's noon it's p.m oh yeah your computer hasn't updated sam yeah well here it is eight it's 20 here right or no 18 here i don't know how that works will you add it's it's it's 20 here ah you're doing uh military time no we're doing by european time we're not like you trash back there in the states are we sophie tell them what we're up to over here yeah we're sophisticated and cold yeah sophie couldn't figure out how to use a blanket while she took her four-hour daily constitutional nap i'm depleted yeah we're depleted as hell here dude one doesn't care about us or the podcast or our family vacation or our mom's ashes did you guys get a hotel with like american-sized beds or what's the rub on that quit asking what the rub is in our beds you pervert yeah no i last time i was in amsterdam

the last night we got american-sized beds but every other night we were in fucking Dutch hotels that had bullshit ironing board beds. Yeah, we slept in a room with four twin beds. It looked like Heaven's Gate. Yeah. They're weird about that shit over there. They're like, no, that's all you need.

Well, they don't expect us to have American-sized bodies. Yeah, Sam keeps asking me if he's going to fit places. He didn't want me to book a canal tour because he thought he wouldn't fit on the boat. It's very true, dude. It was a covered boat. I was like, fuck, this is going to be bad. We're going to be there with a bunch of Israelis.

And? Yes. Very good. boat it's like fuck this is gonna be bad there's gonna be another bunch of israelis and yes very good uh are you smoking dope out there sophie see sam is yeah twice he gets all high he has fun he gets all quiet for a little and then you're worried and then he gets fun. Go to El Guapo and get their Dr. Grinspoon. Okay. Can you tell the folks at home what any of that means? Yeah. El Guapo is the coffee shop.

Dr. Grinspoon is like the hardest to grow marijuana and it rules. And I think you'll like it. Makes you all hyper but not paranoid. Can you tell them where we are? We're in Berlin now. You. There's no weed here you don't i thought you were in amsterdam for like a week and a half no we flew into berlin this morning lond hi how's it going great you can talk to him sophie good how are you oh good been waiting to record due to sam being dumb and not knowing where colorado is so it's nice that we're doing this now

hi sophie good to see you good to see you all right you guys i'm gonna exit the podcast um anything anything you have to plug sophie no sam has to do comedy in germany and it's gonna be so funny these people aren't very happy so far he's gonna cause an international incident on a boat i'm gonna slime them all all right enjoy your podcast you have until 9 p.m sharp that was sophie talent everyone of jalon facial spa if anyone wants to get a facial from my sister go in and ask for sam's sister sophie shut the door uncle happy's with his friends i tell you guys that's my new nickname uncle happy yeah i'm having everyone call me happy happy talent yeah happy talent cereal it's a weird nickname for a 28 year old guy but i'm liking it my my my great great grandfather was named lucky

legally lucky yeah his first name was lucky damn that's one of the dumbest things i've ever heard yeah dude lucky doolittle how did his name was lucky doolittle yep and how did he die face eaten by crows no old age he like settled seattle there's pictures he did he was one of the people that like built the hills up to be the city he there's pictures of him in buena vista when he was traveling out there is he one of the guys who burnt he burnt down the whorehouses i doubt it all right i think he would probably have been into whoring. Yeah, I've been trying to talk my dad into it in Amsterdam. To my knowledge, you couldn't sell him. No.

Did you have any early mornings walking through the red light district? Because that's one of my funniest memories of life is a chick beating on the glass to get our attention at 730 a.m. You don't have to hit the glass with your fish. Just put them on the glass. Yeah, it was it was early. We weren't paying attention. Hello, boys. Do you want to see where the fudge is made? Do you want to journey around the corner,

boys? Fjok my vagina. Bunch of J's. Bunch of J's that sound like wives i'm fjord my river take your blue vayner and put it in my veen bar how's your mom she's uh still dirt spread yeah is there a crazy echo going on can you guys hear this no they sound fine what a berlin hotel room so lord knows how many different pastes and blood samples are all over this goddamn it's just a scat howl it's a scat hole, baby. You just got to Berlin? We got to Berlin this morning at noon our time.

So that's right around 5 a.m. your time, believe it or not. I saw that you were eating fish out and about outside. And I just saw a video of a woman that was doing that. And a seagull just came and snatched it. And I was hoping that that was going to happen to you. Just a giant bird comes out of nowhere and just lands on your head. We got Uncle Happy or Uncle Lucky. Was that it, Becker?

Yeah, Lucky Doolittle. You're Uncle Happy. He's Grandpa Lucky. Oh, thank you. Yeah, no, we went to a street market in amsterdam and there was uh the guy selling herring and sophie said you have to get the herring and i was like i don't want to and she's like do it you bitch dance for sophie entertain your baby sister by being a freak come on you be the geek pit boy eat the herring

so yeah they serve you herring it comes with pickles and raw onions and he was like do you want it the dutch style and i was like what's that mean then he pointed to a picture of a sailor like just deep necking a piece of herring and i was like all right so yeah i munched that herring and it was really good and really stinky and it ruined pretty much the morning for everyone else around me because it started coming out your butt no my butt's been good i only blasted my own ass once with some surinamian food surinam food's big in uh old am. And I ate a big spoonful of the hot pepper sauce that was on the table without trying it. And then I hallucinated like Homer Simpson for like 20 minutes.

I was totally fucked. It ruined me. It was very bad. Becker, what did you do over there? You were trying to hide out from American authorities. Yeah, we were looking for new strains of weed for denver relief for house of dangness and just us in general okay yeah house of dankness it was a dispensary slash seed company that i worked for for a while they have shortly lived

because you were at the helm no i was there for like three or four years they uh they have their seed production out in barcelona so we were going out on a big old seed trip to check out weed strains i wanted my dad to go on a seed trip while he was there but he did not uh my dumb ass thought that those truffle shops were selling fancy truffles the first the first day i was in amsterdam i was like ready to buy my mom some hallucinogens and try to fly them home did you whore while you were here no that doesn't sound true that's a lot no no we smoked like a half pound of dope in i don't know five five or six days there was no more horny for sluts i didn't even eat any like great food all we did was smoke dope i gotta say the girls over there they really got it going on

oh yeah we walked through it i checked them out a couple of times but i was like my money's for drugs yeah they got like alicia silverstone's and Vickay Fox's and Wednesday Adams's. Whatever you want. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if we came over here as single men, would we have done the ultimate? I know that there was definitely a time where I changed my like up until a certain point I don't know how long ago I was like oh I never would and then I started to get it where I was like oh yeah

like it's a transaction it's like pretty cool so single yeah like I wouldn't feel good about like trying to get away with it if I was with somebody and it wasn't a part of our deal uh talking about like if you and i were here together would be a triumphed i heard you oh together no yes as i told david bory uh a few days ago when i was staying with him you think that it would be cool and i have never wanted to you to be in the same room as me when i when i blast when i bang you shouldn to be in the same room as me when I blast, when I bang. You shouldn't be in the same building, ideally. You should be down the street. Yeah, you should go to the outskirts of whatever town.

You only blast when I'm in an airplane. You can't even be on the earth. Yeah, not circling either. Yeah, not in a holding pattern pattern you have to have a destination yeah you have to be going through a you have to be in a different time zone i don't think you are now i don't think i would like that honestly what for me and you to be doing that i mean also i don't think that i would enjoy i don't think i could purchase a sex workers time even by yourself yeah i i don't think i could purchase a sex worker's time even by yourself

yeah i just don't know because like i don't know i just feel bad for them having to do that to me it's like that's not why they that's why they escaped estonia in that uh you know that bamboo carriage their their mom threw in the river is the the hordes were burning the city it's not their their mom threw in the river is the the hordes were burning the city it's not it's that way they they came ashore in the reeds was to grow up and have to service me it's like we've said with uh porn porn stars it sucks when you can tell they're not into it so like same with sex workers if some of them like enjoy sex and they love uh making money by just like banging dudes great like that could be fun but it would suck if you i mean you could tell right if you were talking to any of them and they were just like dead-eyed and they look like they want to stab you

with anything that they can grab then you wouldn't i wouldn't be into it because no because like they're independent operators in amsterdam right in this glass room they're in a terranium like a turtle and then you walk by and they they knock on the glass it smells like a turtle in there like a turtle cage in there yeah clean the cage gross i hate that smell time to get hosed off yeah it smells like gerbil often my undercarriage will smell like a pet store and i'm like damn it there's a bunch of shredded newspaper on the ground yeah carrots everywhere

it was explained to me that they're like the all stars in Amsterdam and they come there and work like two months and then go home yeah they're the Harlem Joe Trotters yeah I think i'd be down especially uh if i was like single gone a bunch like traveling like we do um i wouldn't want to like hope that after the show we go to a bar and i i find somebody that's not annoying that i can bang that isn't going to then like

hound me for a while you know like i mean or you know you you do that you you do that you're like drake they decide when they're done with you you're on the lookout uh for like something cool but you'd also have that in your back pocket where you have like a not an app but a number that you could call or something and set something up. That'd be fun. Yeah. I don't know, dude.

I just, my dad was like, what's down this alley. And it's like, you know, what's down that alley, old man, me and my sister and Mel and my dad just wound up in the red light.

It's like, well, this is something it's like, yeah, it is something dad. It's really something you want me to take the other two on a walk so you can go on your gentleman's stroll that's what i can tell him to do it's like that if you need to go on a gentleman's stroll i can busy the other people

involved he's taking he goes in there he takes his jacket off and then a bag falls out and she's like, what's that? Oh, that's my wife's ashes. She's going to watch. Oh, God. You like to party, do you, daddy? Yeah, they see. They snort her. Chop it up. That's what she would have wanted. To get snorted by a prostitute.

Chop up some Viagra and then mix it in with the ashes and snort it. Blast off. Oh, man. Oh, that's so fucked. That's so bad.

I was talking to Mel. I was like, I kind of hope my dad does it, but I don't want to know the details. And Mel was like, I would like to Mel. I was like, I kind of hope my dad does it, but I don't want to know the details. My dad was... And Mel was like, I would like to know the details. That would be nice for me. And I was like, okay, well, if that happens, please do not tell me or my sister.

You can give me like a knowing nod or like a tip of the hat to let me know the deed's been done, but I don't want to know the ins and outs. The literal ins and outs would disgust me. Yeah, how many thrusts, Duddy? Yeah, how good was it? How long long till you busted how wet was her dad too wet had to throw down some ashes like sawdust with a kid's puke janitor style the old janitor's trick. They call me the shop teacher.

This is very sloppy. Do you have anything to soak up my juices? Yes, I do. This looks like cat litter. Yeah, we sprinkled mommy in the Amstel River. And that was after we went to the weed shop and got all high the four of us we smoked a big old bone and then my dad was like oh what's this oh yeah it's your mother just lurked over the river stone to the bone and dumped her in yeah what were you across from a church or a concert hall or something the national ballet

slash opera yeah oh solo mio i have cigarette cough because i've been blasting them hard over here gross yeah it's really gross they do not feel good about it or do they taste good because they're different lighter no no they're american I got a big carton of spirits. You got some? Yeah. How much less did... My dad keeps tapping his pocket and being like, what's this? And it's a full pack of cigarettes.

And he's like, huh, well, went in the room. He's blasting them? Yeah, he's blasting them hard. Whoa. Don't tell Emmys. Oh, yeah. How much did you pay versus Sophie and Mel for the smokes? I got a carton in Chicago for $53.

I got a carton in Chicago for $53. Yeah, I got a carton of dim sum for $53 there at the airport. You know what works really well over here is if you blow it with like someone who doesn't uh speak english you just hit him with robert abbott voice and that smooths everything over like me and mel were drinking beers on the street the other day and a policeman approached us and i was like well there officer i gotta tell you i'm real sorry about this this one's on me and where i come from we admit when we're wrong it's uh it's a great country you got here the beers are cold the

women are hot and the sausages are long so i just put her there sam talent hell of a pleasure to meet you this one this is my fault and it will not happen again. I swear to the God above. Well, you guys are godless here, but you know what I mean. I swear to efficiency and camaraderie that I will not spill a drop of this amstel onto the streets of your beautiful country. I thought it was a Heineken 00, and that one is on me. All right? Is that everywhere? Heineken 00? Yeah. Well, yeah, Heineken is uh heineken double zero yeah well yeah heineken is uh they have

heineken they have heineken extra cold and they have heineken double zero over there over there i didn't have any i was drinking a little elf little brownie that's a good beer damn it that's a good beer so you didn't get in trouble by the cop no and also he might have just been someone from amsterdam he was just dressed in black at night and i was like well there you're a peace officer and i want to give you a piece of my mind all right you wish you would have smacked you with a billy club i wish you would have beaten me down too he just starts wailing of course that would have been much better content than me apologizing i had a weird uh on the news man pig beaten by local police officer i don't know what was going on in denver but you know i stayed with bory downtown at his new place and across the street

there's that room was metered no it's good okay it was a good time uh across the street there was metered parking. And he was like, just park over there. It's fine. So I park over there. And the first night, it's fine. The second night, when I go out there, there's a parking ticket envelope on my windshield. But there's nothing inside.

There's no ticket inside of the envelope. And my first thought was that it was a warning. It's a way that they like scare you but then they didn't actually write you a ticket but anything could have happened somebody could have walked by and taken it out and like eaten it you know there's so many random people walking around downtown rolled it up used it as joint paper rolled it up snorted something snorted their mom's ashes uh i guess it should be their their wife's ashes ex-wife uh but yeah there was nothing in there and i don't know what that means i guess i'm gonna

have to like look up my license plate to make sure that i don't like let let it go and assume there's nothing going on and then i get pulled over and beaten with a billy club no just let it ride man let's have fun in parking down there no no i'd like to roll the dice at the dmv that's a little advice from old sam t oh yeah i've been talking in rims rhymes and riddles it's very bad that's how you talk over here too yeah you make stuff rhyme all the time and then i make up my own batch of slime i've got slime brain have you slimed over there no i haven't slimed yeah oh i told you did you see uh i had i hadn't slimed because i you know we were in chicago together I had no time to slime. And then I go.

Then I stay in. Yeah. Oh, you meant go to the store. Do you have the ingredients for how do you say slime? Yeah. Did I make or play with slime? No. I wondered if you busted because I had not in Chicago and then went straight to denver stayed with bori and i had a close call because i was sleeping on his couch and there was a night where i

dreamt vibrating couch i dreamt of our lovely gianna it smells like and i honked her and i think we made out but we didn't bone and i was so glad when i woke up because a 40 year old man having dreams about making out with a porn star well i'm glad that i didn't bust because i would have had some splaining to do i would have had to i would have had to throw that couch over the balcony like you and him were tossing pumpkins on halloween it would have sucked i have to wake up and just he's like what happened what's that smell yeah it would have smelled for sure yeah you're like uh nothing i ordered ribs in the middle of the night are there any leftover this is carolina musters yuck yeah well it doesn't come out dark and thick like kansas like kc masterpiece speaking of dreams not yet we were all we were all sleeping in that airbnb in amsterdam and it was just four

twin beds all next to each other lined up yeah like you're like you're the von trapp children we were von trapped by some creative photography in the airbnb that's hello mother it was just a room with a toilet and also the toilets over here are like those ones look like a pelican they look like a hunky hunky hippo where they're built into the wall they don't have a base attached to the ground oh i don't know that i've seen they're just begging for the talents to bust that damn toilet off the wall we're coming home from eating herring and it's just like dibs dibs there's a lot of dibsing of the toilet a lot of dump shaming my sister will be like jesus christ sam my dad will be like it's always smelt that way that's my little boy he's like trying to defend it it's always that's just the way his body processes or

doesn't process certain foods yeah he's like i can always tell when it's sam's and i can always tell when it's sophie's go you blindfold them do a taste test all right put your money where your nose is spin them around a bunch for some reason and then push them into the bathroom who was in here last study and it turns out it's mel he's the control yeah he's the wild card get my dad so high he forgets he was the one who dumped yeah there has there been any uh nobody's walked into the river on accident because they're too stoned did you guys keep it classy well i'll tell you about that but uh my dad we woke up and my dad was like so how'd everybody sleep and everyone was like okay and he's like same how do you sleep specifically the part where you woke up screaming whoa what the hell i woke up screaming the name harold apparently

this was after you in your sleep yes my dad was like that was bizarre when you woke up screaming in the middle of the night like oh yeah i forgot about that yeah but i totally woke up just i don't know if you've woken up screaming it happens to me like once every month or so probably but all this you can like tell you're between realms because in the dream you can feel yourself screaming but then you wake up and it's like your vocal cords aren't firing all the way and he was like yeah you were screaming for a good two minutes i didn't want to wake you up what the fuck yeah whoever harold is he was really getting to you huh pal harold minor baby jordan you were at the 95 dunk contest yeah i was playing nba jam with the heat harold was robbed yeah, throw it to Glenn.

Harold, you ball hog. I'm screaming the name Harold in Airbnb. Very bizarre. But yeah, my dad bought one of those space cakes. Can you hear me? My internet connection is weird, it says. I don't know if it was mine or yours it normal back out it's good now yeah my dad uh like everywhere they

just sell space cakes like it you know the bodega it's just a 7-eleven or i think it's a souvenir shop that sells magnets postcards and space cakes there's no ingredients listed or dosage on there so it's just a brownie with like you know the new jersey devil's logo on it claude lemieux giving a thumbs up and yoy yeah so we bought one and my dad you know he experimented with like a 15th of it then that didn't work so him and mel just ate the other halves they just split it and my dad was like he ate it before that boat ride and we get we do this boat ride and it's a canal tour and it's us and like 20 people and i was very concerned that i was not going to fit on the boat because it's us and like 20 people. And I was very concerned that I was not going to fit on the boat because it's like an enclosed boat you can't stand up on. one's fireflies and this one's a ladder on top of a building because if a ladder is on top of a building where is it going what's the point

of a ladder and one point the guy asks so where's everyone from and people are like israel germany columbia united states and my dad turns to me and he says, it's like worthy art. Yeah. Are you high? And that's like all he said in the hour and 15 minutes on the boat. The art he was painting with all the colors of the wind. Yeah, man.

He's a, he's a trip. He's a lot of fun little pocahontas over there he doesn't swing his arms when he walks we've discovered he's gonna get robbed like in my joke yeah no but it's not even like in your joke the hands accompany the leg as they go his are just still at the side like some lumbering sasquatch character i used to walk like that and somebody made fun like in college somebody made fun of me they're like you walk like a bouncer that's about to go kick somebody's ass and i was like oh yeah that's not that's not fun

so i tried to swing him a little more well we've been making fun of him all the time and doing fun impressions of it and now you can see him swinging it, but he's just doing it. Wrists. It's just like, that might be a good move. It's insane. It's even worse. But he's walking around in a trench coat and like a bunch of different layers and weird sweatpants and homemade leather shoes.

So he's just like fully leaning into the sex, sex tourist vibe, but he's walking around with his kids and his son-in-law. So it's like, who is this? Who's this creep smelling this woman's hair? He's smelling hair. Flapping his wrists around. He's flitting about.

As soon as we got here, he starts talking about Hitler. Andler and i'm like dad you can't say the word hitler on a train it's a berlin yeah you can't talk about hitler so now instead of hitler he's just saying matt that's the word we've decided upon if you want to talk about hitler you just say matt it's crazy how Matt had all those Jews killed. It's like, that's not enough. Yeah, he's like, you know. Enough of a shroud of... Oh, God.

Dad's just going full Kanye. He is. Well, he's not saying, like, he rules or anything, but he's like, you know, it was Matt's plan, but Goebbels and Goring, those were the ones who really pulled it off. You're not keeping any secrets. He sounds like he thinks that his name was Matt Hitler.

No, Daddy, no. It's not Matthew H. Hitler. It's not Matthew H. Hitler. Yeah, he'll be like, now over here you can see where Matt's handiwork was at play. You're pointing to the Holocaust Memorial. Stop. Yeah, that's... They don't even call it the Holocaust Memorial. It's the Memorial to the Murdered Jews of Europe. I think that there was a big concerted effort for there to be very little.

Like over here, we do all of the little euphemisms. And you have these weird. Create a nomenclature. Yeah, just ways to kind of. I mean, and I think it was on purpose to not have it be as easy to be like we we fucked up we were the bad guys or whatever so over there they don't do that they're blunter you know they're they're more like honest about it and forthcoming and there's not like this weird erasure and maybe that was also like forced upon them by the world where it was like hey uh you

can't like fuck around with this you gotta own it i think that was their call all right america why don't you call it your native american genocide instead of your indian whoopsie instead of your hand-holding contest yeah the first thanksgiving like oh who can hold their breath the longest who can who can make the best mashed potatoes there was a turkey cook-off that went awry. Anyway, here's the NFL. Here's the national anthem. Sam starts crying.

Dude, I don't know what it is, but everyone has been taking turns getting pretty nationalistic over here. Oh, yeah? Just trying to start USA Chants? Not even. But someone will be rude to my sister and she'll be like hmm you guys don't have any rock and roll over here do you rammstein oh yeah someone my dad was like yeah they don't have any gun violence and my sister said yeah but they also don't have any rock and roll i was like yes sophie point selfie

yeah she was like they also don't have cocaine or camaros that's like when uh what did bobby say about french people's like they hate americans but they sure do love our fucking blue jeans they sure do love our fucking blue jeans yep they sure do love fucking blue jeans yeah bobby and sophie uh holding it down for the stars and stripes oh yeah also like mel got them good because like they were telling someone was telling us like that there's a tradition over here we're on thanksgiving or on christmas morning it's december 5th for some reason they do like a weird christmas thing and they all eat hard-boiled eggs.

And Mel was like, you know what we have for breakfast on Christmas? Cinnamon rolls and Cadillacs. Whoa. Another point for Sophie and Mel over there trying to stir some shit up.

I'm in agreement. agreement usa rules you can't act like we don't rock and roll and lose control we're the best yeah i guess but it's just dumb to have to say it out loud to somebody say it over here when somebody's rude to you here you could be like hey well at least we've got at least we got some great music huh no because then it has that vibe of like go back to your home country, get out nationalism. Here it's like, oh, you want to be condescending to me? I'm from the home of Switchblades and Throwing Stars and Rob Zombie. Shut up.

I'm from Edgar Winner, all right? We got Ted Nuge. What do you got over here? Some guy who plays the clarinet in the park? Shut up. What do you got over here? Some guy who plays the clarinet in the park? Shut up.

I just think it's funny to have any to bring out the big guns and act like anything that's happened over here is a point for Sophie. She didn't have anything to do with rock and roll. Yeah, but she does love to rock and roll. She claims it. She listens to hip hop.

She listens to the whole shebang. She's multifaceted. love to rock and roll she claims it she listened to hip-hop she listens to the whole shebang she's multifaceted speaking of rock and roll this kid sam who went to he was in a band uh that went on the road with my band i've known since he was a kid guess what happened to him i saw he i'm sure died tragically yep very sad oh good another one the elizabeth curse usa usa oh yeah when do your kids die oh they don't they grow up to a nice old age suck it in america you don't have to worry about them for very long because they're gone at like 16 maybe 22 boom yeah but guess what we don't have 45 taxes take that germany we've got homeless people what do you guys got yeah act like the negatives are about we don't have taxes or anything that taxes pay for so how about that it's a wash why don't you go wash your pits you stinky german yeah well we just got to Germany today, and it's been pretty laid back.

I needed to take some fucking time to chill, man. I've been on the road for a week now, and I've been drinking, like, every day since I left. So today I read a book and ate probably a pound and a half of Spitzel. So that was pretty good. Whoa, nice. Mm-hmm. We went into the Nike store in Berlin, and it just, oh, none of this is for me and walked out. Yeah, I've been dressing like a fucking lunatic.

I look like one of the bad guys from Home Alone. You're a wet bandit. I'm a wet bandit. Yeah, I'm a condiment man is what everyone's calling me because I have a red sweatshirt on and my green jacket and my yellow scarf. What was in the Nike store? Clothes for people who don't look like me. Just small and not bright. Not index.

They don't glow in the dark. Yeah. Everyone here is a fucking techno DJ. Yeah. They all wear trainers. None of them wear sport shoes. Yeah. It's just we walked in and it was like was like okay nothing in here is going to fit my thigh not even one thigh not a pair of pants i couldn't put on on one leg here oh i got duped i got duped by a barkeep a swindling gypsy what i went to uh we went to uh we went to a pub over here

the first place we went to get a drink and we they were like oh the old baby talks you have a baby next to you right now that you have to raise yeah meanwhile she's raising my dad yeah you threw your dad back oh yeah two yeah? Two can play this game. Yeah. No, I just... I do pocket Sam, but it's my mom's ashes. What happened with this barkeep? You order a beer, he gives you a baby baby i just can't get over the idea of just

having your mom's ashes in your pockets for when you get duped by barkeeps to get out into someone's eyes eat it oh i don't know she just uh she gave me the wrong change she took five dollars from me that's the whole that's the whole story yeah sorry i thought that maybe there'd be a riddle you were talking about riddles yeah the riddle was what is your change due back if the if the bill is 20 and you give 50 euros how much money should you get back 30 not 25 euros and that's what i got back when did you realize it too late as soon as we walked out the door i said that fucking gypsy got me and sophie said you can't say that yeah i'm pretty sure she was a zygonist what's that she is zygonist is someone without a homeland zionist or someone who have a homeland zygonist have no homeland and if you're anti gypsy you're supposed to say you're anti zygonist oh okay yeah but yeah it came out of me again i

was like we don't have gypsies in the US of A. We have blues music and pro wrestling. Yeah, just good old fashioned knife crime. You want to rob someone, you stick them up at the ATM like a fucking brave person, not like a coward who works behind the bar and puts too much foam on your fucking beer. It's all foam over here. Learn to pour a beer. Well, there's supposed to be some head for sure, because it breathes better. There's too much foam on your fucking beer. It's all foam over here. Learn to pour a beer. Well, there's supposed to be some head for sure, because it breathes better.

So that is kind of a winking at us. Yeah. Well, Mel might have gotten duped because that was a lot of foam on his beer. I've seen your Instagram video, so I feel like I know what's going on with y'all. Yeah, you're part of the movement. I'm over there. Yeah, man man here's what i had i had that herring and then i had some chocolate milk and then i had a hot beer and then i had um a pickled egg that was my breakfast the other day and then i got back to the room and

i was like dibs dibs dibs and almost snapped that goddamn toilet off the wall it's like a jawbone if you're trying to figure out it's like if the top of your head didn't exist and you just had your jawbone down that's what the toilet looks like and it's built into the wall i like i need a solid foundation on the toilet that i'm using i need it like you know like a tooth i want a toilet to be like a tooth i want it to be like a little bit exposed and then most of it is buried deep below but no these things are just they're asking for it are they in the shower stall no i'm talking about in our airbnbs yeah but the two of the three i had over there the whole bathroom was the shower stall and i

loved that what do you mean well i mean like the the whole bathroom was wet like you'd turn on like they were tiny tiny bathrooms and you'd shit in the same place you'd like shower in the toilet but you could like shit during a shower man that was primo what are you fucking talking about there's no way that you nailed that you were correct in this you blew it you were just like you were so high you shit in the shower and you bathed in a toilet i don't yeah i can't think of i don't think i've seen what you're talking about but i also never seen what you're talking about because it doesn't exist. It's a torture chamber. Did you stay in Saw? No, we were just staying in like old Amsterdam hotels. You confused the movie Hostel with your life again, didn't you, Becker?

No, they were like this. Are you about to screen share? Yes. We'll see if you can pull this off. Super producer Becker breaks his toilet in half. Let's look. No, that's this. Whoa.

We had two thirds of the places we stay were like this, but one of the spots, it was just the whole bathroom was like a wet room. Ew. So it's all steamy in there? Yeah, but you can just like dump in the middle of a shower and it's not interrupting anything you go right back to cleaning

hey I need to bring it to you you can dump in the middle of a shower anytime you shower you don't need a fancy box to tell you how to do your business at least not where I'm from that looks like something that people in Europe would think Americans had is a toilet in the shower because you're so dumb.

You can't do one and then the other. There's also a microwave in there. Yeah. That looks pretty cool, though. That looked like the future. It ruled. Yeah. You're showering.

It was wet. Everything drains, so there's no wet trail to the sink. It just ruled. Sam loves leaving a wet trail oh i knew this was coming at the condo in chicago you yelled it was only it was like an unfinished shower the the there was a pane of glass like and then you'd think that there'd be like another pane that slid yeah over door to close off the shower but there wasn't there was just the one pane of glass and then it was open and it was like it might as well have been a screen door it did yeah why would you why would you do this why would you be like all right job's done time

time to head out uh yeah i mean i guess it almost worked it wasn't like there was water everywhere but it drove me nuts because sam usually makes a mess with a normal setup and then that one it was like oh you so you just wreck the towel that's on the ground the bath mat that's on the ground like you have to wash it every other day because it's just sopping wet the bath mats for it's there to sponge up all your drippings it's like white bread yeah but it's it's you're supposed to dry off in the shower so that it's there for to finish the job not to do the whole job yeah you tried to give me a shower tutorial and i was like yeah i know just quit going in the bathroom as soon as i walk out i like to go clean up after i'm dry yeah no you like to you like to get your wet footprints as soon as I walk out. I like to go clean up after I'm dry. Yeah, no, you like to get your wet footprints as far as you can away from the bathroom so that people know where you've been. I'm doing a bit when I do that. I know how to dry off.

No, I don't think you do. I'm 35. I'm used to drying my body. I think your grandpa used to dry your body. And then when he passed, you didn't remember the lessons that he handed down to you. And so sometimes you blow it a little bit. That was grandma's job. Oh, grandpa wiped grandma toweled off. Grandma had a floor-length sweater. And whenever I got done in the shower, I would just lay down and she would roll around on me like a lint collector.

Oh, dude. In the new house, we have a so i can uh get some water in there yeah yes i can i can uh try it out you can try and replicate my experiment i can join the revolution oh yeah what about well you just got there i was gonna say you'll have to see if there's any talk about this whole like attempted coup there was like a plan to overthrow the government to like kill that's not why i'm here yeah you're in phase two i'm not here to tie up any loose ends phase one was supposed to fail so that everybody thought hey job well done we were on top of it we stopped the threat and then

yeah operation duddy jay swede hey, job well done. We were on top of it. We stopped the threat. Operation Duddy. J-Sweet Duddy. My dad's drawing Allah in the snow with his pee. Oh, yeah, I thought. There was a video that Sophie took where she was calling your name and you weren't in sight.

And I was like, oh, boy, he's peeing somewhere. But no, you were just hiding. Yeah, I've been doing a hiding bit over here. I've been hiding behind things that clearly don't actually hide me. Oh, I couldn't see you. So I thought you were doing a good job. No, I'm too big to hide in Europe, especially in Amsterdam. I wish you could have gotten in that car, that red car, because that looked hilarious.

It was kind of tall. Yeah. It was kind of tall. It was probably five foot eight. But it wasn't very wide. Those cars drive in the bicycle lane. Really? Yeah.

I could have flipped that car with a good-placed fart. I could have gone a week without blasting and flipped it over, if you know what I mean. Yeah. You know the last time I blasted Lund? You're not going to like this, or you might like it a lot. On the plane? No. Well, to be fair, on the plane today i got on it was an easy jet from amsterdam to berlin and there was this young couple and i clocked them

and i was like i'm in 5f there they are d and e and as soon as i pointed at it the guy rolled his eyes and said something in german to his wife then got up in a huff yeah it sucked i was like yeah i know sorry it's me literally the worst guy you could have literally a guy you've never seen before yeah just under my breath yeah we got big fat people over there you know what else we have we got jacob yeah you know who decided to live in the u.s of a jackie chan we got tim the tool man taylor over there what do you got over here it's burpee merpo they were just this like very fit it sucks because there's there's women over here who are

just so fit and perfect looking you're like they're so healthy you're like well we could our genes are not compatible i could never make a baby with you your body would reject your body that's never known you know any kind of like processed soy oil your body who's never known like you know the pink slime they make mcdonald's food out of i'm all hydronated oils over here and just high sucrose corn syrups and your body would just like you might perish if i she gets sick her uterus rots out what were you gonna say about blasting so remember when we got to chicago and we got my condo yeah oh and i went to sleep you went to sleep yes yep you were asleep where did you blast your hair no oh you jacked it that's right no way yes way son of a bitch falls in your court lond

wow yes i was scared i was excited you blasted in bed or did you go to the bathroom in bed i was eight feet away from you i know isn't that crazy it is it makes me think of when i was in high school and i jerked it next to my buddy conrad while he was sleeping because he had the black box so you had the unscrambled porn i had to do it yeah i talked about that i'm probably one of the first episodes you could you didn't have to you could have gone to the bathroom i mean i could have so comfortable and also i needed to spice up my night it was 10 in the morning what are you talking about you spice up the night well you know what i. I had to figure out a new king.

Well, I don't know. It was like you were snoring so loudly that I could time it perfectly. And I was like, okay, stop snoring. Yes, you were. You breathe very loudly when you're sleeping. And I was like, okay, if this pattern breaks, I know that I need to abort. Then you're just pingo and i'm i was i was listening to you sleep more than i was focusing on anything else which is insane

when it was um like sleep was coming down it was like hard frozen rain wasn't it so that was that's what you think it was part of the cacophony that could mask your beating the noises of your oh my god that's hilarious it was super weird you also took a picture of me while i was sleeping and i didn't know that until like a couple days later and then i saw it on instagram and i was like okay very related yeah you were jacking it over me i'll never tell. I was all wrapped up because it was freezing in there. Yeah, you were all wrapped up. Yeah, and I was like, this is interesting.

Can I pull this off? It's the perfect crime. I had my donkey blanket and another blanket. You did have your little donkey blanket. Well, that's cool, I guess. I mean, I don don't care but yeah it's not bad i'm glad you told me too instead of telling everybody except for me no yeah this is the first person i ever told is you and it was weird because the way i was listening to your breathing and then the motion of the ocean when my hand would be uh elevated i would your, your body would disappear.

But then when my hand was lower on the shaft, I could see your body. Okay, shut up. Yeah, isn't that weird? Now you see me, now you don't. It was under the covers. So it was like a... Yeah, I would hope so. There's Lund.

Now you see it, now you don't. That kind of thing. Speaking of breathing boring breathing patterns yeah i stayed with bori sunday monday tuesday nights and uh it's a lot i i forgot i hadn't hadn't heard him sleeping in a while it's a lot i hope he's okay he seems rested in the mornings so he's sleeping enough well enough i don't know if he's getting that rem no dude he's definitely getting the michael stipe i told i explained it once it sounds like little pug puppies fighting and it's kind of like that it's a lot it's like scary it's like feeding time in the zoo yeah uh but it was good to see him

i saw creasy briefly he's doing okay during boxer briefs or it was not a long period of time. No, but he, when I showed up, he was laying on the couch that I was sleeping on and that was fine. And then at some point, maybe when I took a whiz, I came out and his jeans were off and I was like,

you took your pants off and now you're laying on the couch where I'm going to go to sleep. And he was like, I have, I have basketball shorts on. And I was like, okay, how many pairs?

That's even worse. Well, yeah. And it's like, I have basketball shorts on. And I was like, okay, how many pairs? That's even worse. Well, yeah. And it's like, okay, so you have basketball shorts on like a young man who is always ready for a pickup game. But there's no basketball in sight. Like, why do you have? Yeah, and you've never jumped. Why do you have shorts on underneath your jeans? Just wear the jeans and some underwear.

Wait, wait, wait. So he came prepared to luxuriate and relax i don't know what his deal was they we were supposed to me and noah were gonna have dinner with david and creasy and yeah you would have girlfriends abby don't that's not what we do here so uh yeah we went down to south broadway thinking that we could meet up with him but david was filming he's in a movie that's being shot at the high dive yeah daniel rate lifts girlfriend's movie yeah i think she might be his wife but anyway we were waiting for them and then uh they were going to take a lot longer than they thought. So Noah and I had to bail and eat on our own.

Where do you guys have ribs? Tacos Los Compas drive-thru. Oh, nice. Yeah, why get out of the car when your little boy is driving? That's our spot. Also, that must have been Monday night. We would have eaten on South Broadway, but everything was closed. What about the Hornet?

The Hornet's always open. We didn't go all the way up to the Hornet but i'm talking like la lotteria was closed uh that karma asian spot chinese spot was closed i guess monday's broadway is dark a lot of it yeah no i'm thinking of it it is pretty dark down there on Monday nights. Went to Mutiny, hung out there. Mike Coppolino came in. Noah was overly nice to him, and it made me think that he was mocking him because he's such a pariah of Denver comedy. That older guy that will just walk around talking into a portable mic sound system. Oh, he's that insane lunatic yes yeah he he said something about how he's recorded like 30 albums you know like he counts all of these uh albums

comedy specials that he's recorded on the street as like something to be poor guy i remember steve vanderply was very mean to him for a while and it's like why are you beating up on a super spy mike well mike could definitely go on the offensive online and kind of blast people for he thought he was running president he was running their open or he said that you know we were running our open mics in an unfair manner he thought it should be show up go up or like show show up order or list order that's because he lived down by the open mic like on the street in front in a blanket he lived he lived in the sewers and so he could he could be at every open mic quicker than anybody else because there's no traffic in the sewer yeah and also he would surf around like that level on turtles in time he was a battle toad and he would yeah go underground becker did we talk about this do you

do you remember that uh that game turtles in time yes very much so there was a level called bury my shell at wounded knee yes yeah and it was like them going and beating up native americans well it wasn't natives i thought it was dude that was the that was literally and i'm not saying this to be a jerk that was literally the level where the foot clan robots were red yep okay you're right yeah i am well jay and i replayed it recently in an afternoon probably two months ago and man did we laugh bury my heart bury my shell at wounded knee it's like what the fuck that's how i learned about wounded knee time game where everyone's donatello there's not a ninja turtles german uh video game where they fight nazis maybe in that, they'd be fighting the Jews.

Taking on Jew foot soldiers. Yeah. It's also how I learned about penicillin and Jack Kerouac. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's like, oh, in this level, the Ninja Turtles fight Matt. Matt. Matt Hitler. They thought they were getting away with one.

Like my dad, who's currently asleep. Sophie just texted me, Mel's asleep, you're podcasting, dad's asleep, nobody loves me, I'm so alone. She's just wandering the streets of Berlin. Yeah, singing a song. Singing Wind of Change by the Scorpions. She should go down to Conky Park.

Is that what it is? Conky? I can't remember if that's... What the hell is Conky Park? In the Scorpion song, he says something about going down to conky park or sounds something it sounds like that huh i don't know go check it out wander around and see if you can find it i'm gonna go out i'm gonna go out now uh with my sister because that has been a regular episode of chubby behemoth thank you everyone please come see me in madison wisconsin with

nathan lunn the last weekend of december at comedy club on state and then you can also see me in madison wisconsin with nathan lunn the last weekend of december at comedy club on state and then you can also see me at detroit house of comedy december 23rd and now with a closing remark it's none other than sophie talent sophie come on in now you have some time to think about oh yeah go ahead and mention let's mention the patreon to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth only five bucks a month you get access to all of the patreon episodes that we've recorded except for the ones that disappeared but becker's on the case yeah becker's on the case there you have a patreon.com slash chubby behemoth five dollars a month that's all you need to join the barrels of laughs now sophie what have you been doing? Watching your father sleep.

Exactly. Drawing him, painting him. Yeah, not brushing your teeth. Whoa, she got a herring breath. Okay, Sophie, take us out. You brought us in. Now take us out. Thank you for listening and leave my brother alone the rest of the trip.

Thank you. Sophie, the original Guiguo. What? I'm cute. Stop. You were my Instagrams then one. No, no, no. Listen, you were the you and pickles were the inspiration for Guiguo, which originally was not like a little gross troll. It was like a party monster, like a couple of a couple of ladies that can get a little crunk.

It was not what it became. You just blew your nose on my wrist. Gross. I don't like being called that. It sounds like a gremlin. I know, but it was just supposed to be a funny funny like the two of you getting wasted and then like you know like at the end of the night are you heart eyeing my sister's instagram stories I don't know what I'm doing I'm reacting I'm I'm letting her know that she has a friend and

she's acting like she's all alone or whatever just because two people are sleeping I love it keep it up yeah no you guys are doing a good job with the content over there and it makes me feel like i'm part of the crew i'm a guiguo too i'm over there i'm dumping them sophie woke up from her nap and she came out and there was an empty bottle of beer and how much jagermeister was drank i don't know one of those like triple shots yeah like a like a traveler of jagermeister because that's what mel did while she was asleep, and she was like, Jesus Christ. Mel's really

partying. And that has been Chubby Behemoth.