Chubby Behemoth - NOW!!

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

All The #'s I Knew. Lantern Jaw. I'm Full.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth  

i passed two covet tests today so i don't know what's i think it's just allergies because it rained through the night oh my god becker you're sick i feel like shit but i don't think i'm like sick i think i have a histamine problem but there's like something in your lungs that's making it tough to breathe or maybe you should fire up that fucking hundo you dip shit that's right it dries it in i've been like chain smoking because it's drying out the mucus in my throat that's why i think it's uh smart that's no that's smart man that's good that's junk science yeah that's a solid strategy yeah but i don't i don't think it's i don't think i have a cold or anything because i don't feel it in my head or in my chest it's just like

yeah you should give a symposium that emily has to attend and this is what you teach i'd love if emily had to drive to trinidad for an unpaid day it's just becker being like look if you're wet you get dry guys sometimes you gotta smoke your way through it the body knows what it wants you have to give it to it i mean that is part of why they thought cigarettes were healthy back in the day like it dried all your mucus out in the morning so when everybody was also thought that like dirty air from the industrial revolution and fucking draining mucus every morning they'd be like a cigarette in the morning dries you right out yeah everyone worked in a furnace from three to years old but they were like the trick out of this is siggy's hey are you tired of your wife yapping off have a sig yeah okay when do you guys

want to start go for it okay i'm ready hello everyone and welcome to another rip roaring adventure in audio what's you gonna do about it adventure well hold on let me what i don't know four seconds excluding um like live road episodes and bonus episodes this is our 100th free episode oh my god what do you mean i thought we already did 100 free episodes well i mean we've passed 100 but this is like the 100th standard episode that's not sam with two guys on the road or oh okay okay because i i number them differently if all three of us do it together than if or if the two of you do it together than if one of you does it

with somebody else wow i didn't know there's any type of system to what the fuck you were up to. Yeah, it's so I can find them on my hard drive. Oh, my God. A Becker decimal system. Good for you, Beck Daddy. The Becktail test. Wait, so you said this is the hundredth with the three of us? Yeah.

Free. At least with the two of you. Yeah, the hundredth free one. Just the three of us. That free at least with the two of you yeah 100th free one just the three of us that's cool man that shit's crazy and cool and a little sexy we're tlc y'all i'm chilly i'm t-boss you're definitely t-boss yeah i'm the one who burnt down andre rising's house yeah that's left eye for sure yeah she's also dead i put the shoes in the bathtub and burnt down the whole damn mansion what a boss i thought you were dead last night oh you go ahead becker becker go ahead the becker episode

dead's better dead's better than what pet cemetery sometimes dead is better was that what you were quoting no no i don't know pet cemetery well enough i'm afraid of horror oh that's right you're a little fraidy cat speaking of which uh cat features prominently in you guessed it pet cemetery but uh it is scary i don't think you should watch it you won't like it no i've never seen pet cemetery because it's old it's old as hell i can't watch old movies and be entertained it sucks i don't think that i know what you're talking about but you you count the 80s as too old to enjoy a film yeah man it's tough for me it's like my biggest failure as a viewer of content like i will never watch back to the future i don't give a shit i'm sorry i get it uh he like

bangs his mom or something and christopher lloyd is wacky like i got the fucking notes biff biff man i've opened for biff before i have i've also opened for biff was it at the improv uh no it was in las vegas 2017 yeah like new biff not not the old virile biff that everyone i mean i opened for him in probably 2011 so it wasn't like that was new or old biff or whatever new yeah he's got he's got a fucking lantern jaw that guy could shoot through a hubcap did he do did you watch him i liked him i thought he was pretty good well yeah but i mean i've seen what kind of comedy you like that's not a rousing endorsement dude last night uh i was at sunday fun day and me and bukley were hanging out in the back

and one of the comics on stage said something this young woman and me and Bukley looked at each other and we both just started scream laughing because the woman on stage said I enjoy dirty talk but her and I both thought that she said I enjoy dinner time I was on one knee like grabbing Bukley like did you hear what I just heard and she was like I enjoyed dinner time and I was like yes so then for the next 40 minutes I was in the back

kind of ruining the show because I couldn't handle it I had to go outside just imagine the bit going into the bit so i enjoy dinner time like after closing one bit and then your segue is i enjoy dinner time and it's not even dinner it's just dinner time is what you like yeah the time of day the magic hour you know your mom rings the bell and you know it's time to enjoy dinner time it's dinner time you go you set the table you do the act out you set the table which fork is which do we need the steak knives tonight just or just the regular butter knives i don't know it's

dinner time and then salad and potatoes tonight so let's keep the sharp knives away milk or water all we got store store brand Sprite. A little bit of both. It's dinner time. It's okay. And then, this was the part. And then the dinner comes out. And that's the best part.

Telling a crowd of confused people, I enjoy dinner time. And then remind them of the like i enjoy dinner time and then remind them the best part of dinner time is when the dinner comes i mean i was like on the edge of a nervous breakdown i was laughing so hard then i had to go on stage and like not do the dinner time bit because why not because that's not funny to anyone else it maybe half of the crowd heard dinner time and they would have loved it i don't think so because then they heard her do the rest of the bit about dirty talk because i was in the back just like just having some kind of like strange attack about i enjoy dinner time so

if you guys see me in the future and i got the dinner time bit worked out be ready it's gonna be good please do not yell i enjoy dinner time when i walk on stage i don't need that yeah don't say it 80 times because you're blackout drunk right in the front row right yeah and also don't do the hog thing there was a couple of people at a show recently they were doing the mountain hog thing where they squealed when I walked on and this is from like an episode probably a half a year ago where I walked on stage and they were just like, then I have to explain to a room full of people immediately why they were making pig noises. I mean,

I appreciate the fan base. I love y'all, but I, if you yell it's dinner time, I won't be able to perform because I'll be laughing. So if I hear someone, you know, I enjoy dinner time.

I will have to restart the show from the top all right so no one wants that do you put ice in the glasses hell yeah it's time to enjoy dinner time it's funny to imagine a family that uh drinks their milk with a little water in it to make it last longer or because they don't like, they don't like skim milk, but they don't like whole milk.

2% is where it's at, but it's hard to find. So they make their own too. They make their own 2% with a little water. Did you guys have milk in the house during your upbringing? Yeah. We were, was it just for cereal?

It was just a kid sister. just for your kid sister yes i liked uh i liked making chocolate milk or strawberry milk uh i had it with some dinner but not all i didn't want it with everything powder or syrup um usually syrup sometimes occasionally we had pow pow man when you go over to the syrup kids house that shit's not making it in the glass that's going straight to the dome you wheeze the juice i would wheeze the goddamn juice i was at someone else's and stirred dude at someone else's home let's just do polysure you were munching on some grindage i was yeah i didn't even have to grind it because it was syrup and i would just stand there especially

if it was the caramel syrup i remember just like pretty much going half a bottle into my mouth at once and then staring my friend jesse kendrick down like what have i done did you ever do the uh like what have i done did you ever do the uh milk in your mouth and then a little syrup in your mouth yeah of course that was pretty fun that was a cool move also same thing with cereal cereal all right yeah make it in your mouth that was cereal on the go yeah quick pit stop at the fridge i gotta get to my boy business meeting. I don't have time for a bowl. We had a fun weekend together, did we not?

We had a great weekend. It only could have improved if the one and only Jacob Becker could have joined us. But we know that you have responsibilities that you don't want to talk about on the pod, or do you? No. Secret child. Becker is embarking on a new adventure, and maybe one day he will be able to speak about it on the pod. Yep, January 9th.

And before you guys worry, he does not have leukemia. I know a lot of people assume that he has some kind of degenerative cancer of his cells, but no. He's okay. He's not sick. He's smoking away the pain. Smoking himself to health. Chugging him down. Man, that sounds good. Having a couple? Yummy.

You haven't been puffing sticks? No, I've had one since we got home from New Yorkork i had one at gabby's wedding that's pretty good i had to you know tinder tinder mayhall was offering it i had to tinder gender yes gender so yeah me and uh me and, what's your name? Lund. Casey. Yeah, me and the thug.

We had a good time this weekend. I didn't embarrass myself too bad, which was good. Oh, yeah, you did, though. How did I do that? The dog food handshake. The dog food intro. Oh, fuck. To the dude from the lumineers you you experienced uh the highest high and the lowest low within like a minute and a half lumineers uh version of of peaks and valleys

fucking forgot about that dude that was brutal that was rough stuff yeah lunda lun came up to old d town and my wife fucking shat her bra and got us the worst airbnb in the history of airbnbs that's okay it was nice but there was no pool in the room smelt like a fucking fire at a some kind of like dog and curry emporium but that's okay i didn't smell anything uh me and your wife were whiffing shit left and right oh maybe it was me maybe yeah but you i know emily said there were like two bangladeshi dog groomer smell that was coming off of you there were two airbnb options and the other one was even worse. And ours was good for what we needed, which was something close to

Coors Field. So everything else out of Emily's control. She did what she could. It's insane how expensive they are, but to split it made it okay. I guess everything

with Airbnbs and hotels is annoying they're getting too big for their britches they're trying to really put us over a barrel yeah if you can short airbnb long short them go for it make a little bit of money but uh yeah we uh we went to they said they had a pool which was the big talk for your wife because she likes to float because she's got them and she wants them not to be so heavy for about a half an hour. Same with me. She wants to be an astronaut. Yeah, once she's going to get in.

The closest she'll get to space is a nice pool of water. Yeah, I call her boobs the test pilots, because they keep dropping like flies when I come in the room. I kept motorboating Lund's wife. It was, it was, we almost, we got in a physical fight. It was, we'll get to that later. They hung you out the window. Yeah, you hung me out to dry.

You and Megan had both been in that building before. Yes, we had. Megan used to go there because a coworker lived there and he would throw I think she said a bunch of gay dudes and some women just doing drugs, dancing Yeah, it was like an ecstasy-fueled

homosexual bacchanal and your wife was there just fucking slurping up all the floor drippings Just running her tongue like a human Roomba That's so grossgy won a white yeah and i was there because uh it was the first place that i engaged in the domestic act of lovemaking within the confines of denver county so that was cool you were 17 she was 44 she was yeah she was 53 years old

and i was her nurse and she said tuck me in and then once she was in bed she said now tuck you and me and you were providing hospice care and answering a craigslist ad and then the woman said you ready to do some oh spice shit and i was like whoa i thought i was just giving you pills and you're like well how big is your dick size of a tylenol bring it over here yeah instead of uh giving her instead of giving her euthanasia i just laid on top of her until she quit moving that was her way out it was smushed by the dog uh do you remember the first time in every county well no it's just this one was weird because like we i was taking uh an improv class uh and she was in the improv class and she was like this like very like you know she represented everything that was new about

the women i was being exposed to in den. She was very ethereal, spiritual. Her name was... I don't want to say her name, but it was... Post Spice. Yes, her name was Post Spice. She was a 53-year-old Jamaican woman. She was in an electric wheelchair, and I had to carry her up the stairs.

No, she was just a cool young fang. And she took me back to her loft that was in this building we were in and I laid it down. And by laid it down, I mean I apologized after three minutes. I said, hey, I've been smoking a lot of weed today, all right? This does not usually happen to the dog.

And she said, please quit calling yourself the dog you're 10 years younger than me uh this is gross but yeah that was fun to go back in that building and just be like i remember getting slurped and glurped in this fucking spot it's a fun feeling yeah so what was in that apartment too oh yeah no pool the pool the pool real quick real quick i remember yeah you should talk more yeah no let's get to uh what cool dogs you saw on the street we'll do we'll get to your segment in a second no i just remember standing in front of bonzo and uh sam gamgee that's good pod bonzo and sam gamgee. That's good pod. Bonzo and Sam Gamgee. She was jerking

my dick off through my pants while Bonzo and Gamgee were cutting up a pizza. I was looking at them like, I don't know what to do, guys. They pretty much ate pizza and watched me get jerked in that building we were in.

Shout out to Bonzo and Gamgee. I forgot about that rest in peace gamgee gamgalicious not rest in peace rest in pieces we scattered him so the pool that we were promised was not in the building three blocks away at the ymca no no airbnb discount no uh you know eli sent me here for free entry it was just hey uh there's a ymca over yonder feel free to check it out yeah that was bullshit yeah hey you want to go to the pool no problem it's not in the building and also you have to walk through like walking through uh downtown denver now the 16th street mall in the daytime is like walking around with the they live glasses on because that's all you see it's just like ghouls ghosts and goblins i saw a woman laying on her back holding her ankles up just Now, now, now. Oh, man. Yeah.

And believe it or not, nighttime was even worse. But yeah, during the day, it was wild. It looks like the city just abandoned it. It was like, we're just going to leave the streets of downtown Denver to the people. And by people, we mean half people, half animals. Yeah. Just a lot of screaming at everyone and no one yeah i mean i felt bad that creech had to walk the dogs by herself because the dogs i'm surprised they

didn't take george michael and turn him into tortilla meat food food food gimme gimme milk milk creatures slapping them away it's uh yeah it's wild to have such a juxtaposition of life where it's the youth on lime scooters screaming because they're so happy and they're never gonna die and they'll never get old and they're surrounded by people who are about to die and they are not people people screaming for a completely different reason now now yeah it was uh it was a lot and they're they're building the 16th street mall back up like all that construction is to like put in new stores and shit and redo the the pavement of the mall and it's like oh okay so this is like sorry for the sorry for the wacky

clientele right now folks but we'll have a pay less here in no time yeah 2024 we'll be back well there's no one works downtown anymore because of covid everyone went home so now all those places that were built to service the people who worked in those office buildings don't need to service anyone to read that now it's just now it's no i just understand how the economy works oh shit i know so much dude i'm in here reading the atlantic all right you laugh at the cartoons i did read about it less than 30 percent of the workforce has been back to the offices downtown shut up becker once in the last hey don't tell my boy to shut up, all right? No one hushes my baby boy.

So they think off that metric. All right, that's enough, Becker. 15%. Yeah, it makes sense. It's like, oh, man, this subway is doing 40% worse than it did when a bunch of soulless, just suicidal business people came through here for a hot BMT. Yeah, and you know what's even worse

than not having anyone there is the only people who are there are also putting their butt cheeks on the front mirror, spreading them, and letting poop come out. That's the kind of people that are down there.

Just the fucking, the streets are not paved in gold they're paved in human feces and women laying on their back baby style screaming now it's like what do you want to happen right now i mean what do you i don't want to say you're asking for it mama but you're literally yelling now while presenting i mean this was this was very upsetting but luckily that caribou coffee charged me 15 for a couple of uh tall iced coffees lund complained about it that was funny well i figured you'd do me like you did your your own ass and instead you did

black which is fine i ordered a black coffee two years ago and you remembered and then you asked for me to pour some of mine into yours and i didn't want to do that because mine was perfect and creech was like just do it it's his birthday and i was like cool you're both double teaming me and then one was like oh we'll double team me and then we we all had sex that's right all three of us screwed on the ground like dogs while the dogs watched yeah george michael put his dick in my mouth i was like i don't even care While the dogs watched. Yeah, George Michael put his dick in my mouth. I was like, I don't even care.

Now. Now. Yeah, I felt. It's just the Foot Clan wandering around downtown Denver right now. I was. We need Baco more than ever. Good thing Baco's here to save the day. Hey kids, do you like violence?

Shooting mentally ill homeless people. Yeah. Time to clean up the streets Bako style. The other turtles are just watching from a rooftop being like, I don't like his methods, but he's goddamn effective. Donatello's holding his bow staff. He's like, this won't be necessary. All the other turtles get big and fat

because Bako just handles it right away with his AR. They're not doing any more karate or anything. Well, you know, what were what were leonardo and rafael doing with their very sharp very deadly weapons except killing teenagers that are in the foot clan killing runaways people try to act like batman was just knocking people out and it's like all right he was definitely killing some of that he was beating the shit out of people and dropping them on their heads but yeah the turtles too should they had a body count oh yeah huge body count i think that's why in the cartoon they made the um foot clan into those purple like robots right weren't they robotic yeah yeah that way they could like slice

and dice them do you remember the deleted scene from uh teenage mid-turners one where rafael um it pulls that girl over he's like he's like a traffic cop and he pulls her over and uh and and she's like how can i help you officer and he's like open up and she's like what i'm a cop i can i can have you arrested open Open up. And she's like, okay. And she opens her mouth. And then he just puts the tip of his sigh into her mouth. And he says, close it. Close it. Close it for Raph.

Remember that? Was this on your blog? Fan fiction? Well, it was at the Bad Lieutenant. I always get them mixed up in my head. That was a Troy Baxley joke. Yeah, I was a little worried about Megan having to go from... Blood on my thigh or shit on my dick.

Having to go from Coors Field to the BNB. But she wanted to leave the show early. We went and saw The Lumineers. I was hoping it would have been Chevelle or Idols. Yeah. But it was The Lumineers. We were just joking about the Lumineers doing covers just for Lund.

I know you guys want to hear all the hits, but hey, there's a special little guy out there celebrating his 40th birthday. So here it is. One, two, three. And I send the pain below. Yeah, coming up next.

You guys remember saliva? It was funny. Raphael does. Spit in my hand. Spit in my fucking hand, you little slut. I don't know if you looked around, but we were definitely. Paco, get the pistol. We were definitely sticking out like sore thumbs

because the only guys that looked like us had a 12-year-old with them. Right. We were just there. The two young women behind us didn't see shit because we stood up as if we cared about the music. I mean, I wanted to see. I'm not going to sit there and just hear Lumineers songs.

So we had to stand up, but I felt bad. We were second row. Thank you to Sweet Wesley from the Lumineers. And the other guy who I thought was a fan but found out he was not. Oh, yeah, that's why you biffed it we were just standing up in front of all these like young women wearing fucking flat brim undertaker hats dude it was undertaker hats as far as the eye could see this was just fucking live laugh love is it time for wine t-shirt culture personified pumpkin spice latte on with two legs oh dude these

fucking bland women who well i don't want to bash women but uh rafael would have had fun with their holes he would have found a that's why he had the sigh because there was three prongs so he could have three at a time i don't know if you guys knew that that's in the comic books that's canon yeah nick cannon wrote the comic books um so yeah we're standing there emily loved it emily loves them she was like sincerely stoked it was fun they're talented the the stage show the lights and shit were really cool it was great dude it was fucking sold out coors field that was a cool thing to experience it was their biggest show they've ever played hometown heroes like it was cool we were standing probably right where the the outfield would start where centerfield grass would start something like that and it was crazy to look behind us at the the bleachers and all of

the people just fucking losing their shit yeah the fucking losers who don't know celebrities and have to go all the way to the top meanwhile the dogs are down below barking not singing with any of the there's like a dad behind us who had to pay 400 a pop for him and his three daughters and then we're just in front of him ruining his night we're in front of him doing the reverse hang loose like that guy at the Weezer show. It's not reverse hang loose. It's the, I love you slash super fly.

Super fly. It's the super fly, but you look at your fingers. So it's even crazier. You put your palms backward. I'll post a pic for everyone, but yeah, we were having fun,

man. That was a good time. I had, i don't realize i didn't realize that i got so drunk but i fucking drank a bunch while we were standing down there yeah and then backstage you pounded and then you had to go meet your other friends instead of hanging out with me oh dude i went and you wanted to hang out even later instead of coming home well yeah well i didn't tell you guys this but I peed a little bit right there where we were standing. What?

I didn't tell you about this? I kept asking you guys, can I pee right here? And you guys were like, of course not. You said that once and we laughed because it would have been insane. Yeah. So I did the move where I pulled my ween out the bottom of my shorts and just hung tip and splashed out a little. A little? Well, I was at the barrier.

How was that helpful? I was about to break because I had to get a little bit out. I didn't want to miss any of the hot tunage. I'm just saying that seems it's tougher to pee a little and then stop than it is to not start. No, I do Kegels 24-7. I mean, I have a very strong prostate oh boy yeah so i pissed like a 30 second stream 30 seconds yeah i think i got it on the lady's

purse in front of me you got it on our feet our shoes we stepped on it what a fucking asshole dude that's what's wrong with that of you oh go to the bathroom sam it's a fucking mantra that we've said a million times on the podcast you heard it growing up i did go to the bathroom i went to the bathroom eventually dot dot dot that was your p fucking trail just dots of piss from the floor to the fucking concourse sometimes the dog has to lift his leg all right fucking very annoying that what's annoying about it you don't even know what happened yeah well now i do you could have kept it to yourself but you had to be like i was a little naughty and get off this is how you

get off is by holding in p for a little bit and letting it out and then holding in a secret for a little bit and then letting it out well if I would have told you right then you would have ruined your night. I would have beat the shit out of you. I would have put your Schlereth jersey over your head. Wailing on you. This guy's pissing everyone. Hey this guy's pissing because you like to tattle that's how you get off. So you'd be like oh my god this guy I don't know is peeing. Guess what Sam's doing with the gift that you gave us. Yeah and then west would have been like that guy is rock and roll oh my god there were there were two bros dude it was a

punk rock show there were two bros next to us with a woman with an undertaker hat for sure and uh they were very annoying because they kept you know they there was room there were seats there was room for them to just like enjoy their second favorite band uh without bumping into me and they kept fucking the dude kept elbowing me so i started blasting them with uh korean fried chicken burps oh yeah dude you i was like 18 wings before i went in there i was hitting him and i hope that uh i hope that i was able to to bring his night down uh from an a to a b minus yeah see that the burps the burps were gross i didn't piss on his shoe i let him smell a couple of burps i didn't pee on anyone's shoe i might have got a little on my

fly knits i think that my feet were a little bit wet but that's okay i didn't want to miss the fucking show and i show that you didn't care about i cared dude i wanted to be nice to my new friend and business associate he gave me a glass of wine i demanded a glass of wine still he gave it to me i had a little bit of that natural wine it was pretty good yeah me and him are going to start a podcast about natural wine called big naturals so watch out peel this um so yeah i don't know the show was really cool uh i haven't been to a big stadium concert in a long time since i saw a real big fish at soldier field so uh yeah this was real no of course not i figured maybe sell out soldier field warp tour no i figured it was a festival dick was there i think the last time i was at a stadium show it was warp tour at mile high

stadium back in the day and i just remember walking around and like this was during like the avril lavigne era of women's fashion where it was all baby doll shirts and like bracelets and like chokers and shit and like that kind of severe eye makeup. And I was just walking around with my cousin and we were both so fucking pinned. We were just hard all day. Just like, oh, my God. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, no. Just I mean, that was the closest I've come to committing the ultimate sin of whacking in public.

in public at chorus field i had like blinders on like a horse because i felt like there was two there too many young girls there so it'd be like whoa whoa whoa 12 whoa hey cool 13 so i just fucking went into blind guy mode yeah so did i yeah i'll bet i did the same thing i'll let you just pee out of the bottom of your shorts i'll let you jazz what was that sam uh uh there was a shooting star oh look it's the blue angels no one else saw that shit you're flying low yeah i pissed a little bit in a stadium so stupid and then you that big of a deal and then you walked by nine bathrooms on our way out of course field no when we were leaving you you you could have pissed wherever you wanted that was socially acceptable and you're like no thanks i do my own thing i'm a rebel and then we walked

outside we passed a young lady was probably staff at coors field and you walked seven feet away from her and then whipped it out and started pissing i fucking bus pulled up you just fucking i should definitely pee right here what's the big deal? It's natural. It was insane. It's not that crazy to fucking let it fly in an empty parking lot. It's not a big deal. It's literally. It wasn't empty. Your best friend and his wife and your wife were there.

And your wife wasn't there. You were bailed because you were grossing her out with your burps. Yeah, she bailed. It wasn't my burps. I got asked to move by the security because i was trying to stand away from you guys because i didn't want to uh put my body mass over there next to y'all and they were like look you gotta move and i just kept saying what and the band wasn't even playing so they were like you have to move and i was like i'm sorry what doing the ear the hand behind yeah and then they were like then the guy just like kind of like grabbed me and moved me and I was like, I'm sorry? What? Doing the ear, the hand behind the ear. Yeah. And then they were like

then the guy just kind of grabbed me and moved me and I was like, oh, move. Are you serious? Yeah. I was a bit of a problem. You weren't even drunk at that point. I remember you thinking that you didn't want to stand in front of the people

behind us and block their view. No blockoo and that's why that's why you were over there yeah but then the show ended and it was time to go flex on the sluts and we went to the vip party experience where we ran into the one and only josh blue everyone josh blue let's hear it for him and he was he was he was excited to see us you know he was like hey guy what's going on and uh it was i was stoked that he was not passed away from his time at vietnam i was like josh i'm glad you're alive and he was like oh so it was just great to see him my wife

was excited to see him um and then who came out lawn what happened let's see let's do the peak and then the valley of the evening lead singer of the lumineers uh was got excited to see you and say hello to you and no big deal you get used to it you saw you when you when you got dressed and you decided to wear your mark schlereth broncos jersey i said you're going to be the only person in coors field wearing a broncos uniform yeah the only icon i'm used to that i was right and then it paid off because, Wes saw you while he was singing to thousands of people. He got to see you like a sore thumb. Uh-huh.

Doing an ironic super fly slash I love you hand signal. Pretending to sing along. Whenever he would look at me, my mouth would like make movements like i was also singing along yeah i just did a lot of hey yeah so he beelined right over to me he gave me a big hug uh i introduced him to the crew but i also tried to do the thing with emily and i don't know if you saw this but i fucking blew it twice where he was going around the table and as he turned his back on me after the initial hug, greeting, kiss on the neck I would say, this is my wife

the dog, but he didn't hear it, so as he came around the corner and he was nearing her, I said it again this is my wife, the dog and he didn't hear it again I bet he heard it, I bet he was no-selling you think he no-sold the dog and he didn't hear it again. I bet he heard it. I bet he was no selling.

You think he no sold the dog? Yeah. He didn't want to be a part of it. I don't know. That sucks. Well, either way, hopefully didn't hear it.

Cause we just kept hitting it off and having fun. But then after like, I was anointed, you know, Josh was like, that's the cool dude. Josh showed me a handful of pennies and said, look at my marbles. Oh, boy.

Yeah, we paid him $5 to eat that bug, you know? Just another night out with Josh. God. He ate all that gum on the railing. He was like, I enjoyed dinner time uh i sold him a bit so um we only do that we only do that impression because we know josh listens and he loves it um there was there was one that is you i would never oh is josh should we have josh call into the pod real quick

you just did him a bunch you don't just get on with it okay i appreciate you becker thank you for the rotary phone sound effect you're welcome as if in the studio we just have rotary phones operator give me the patreon y'all if you want to hear me do more impressions patreon.com slash showy behemoth we're trying to get a non-rotary phone in the studio i walked up to the guy in the lumineers who used to work at city o city while we were doing our show there and i was like well this guy knows me for sure because he like bartended for the six years we did our fucking show in his bar and i walked up and he was talking to some people and i put my arm on his shoulder and i

said what's it was his name like frank or whatever jeremiah jeremiah's like jeremiah sam talent hell of a pleasure to see you and gave him the big handshake and he was like all right and then he just went back to his conversation he no sold your ass for sure fucking was confused he thought that i was a josh blue type he thought i was gonna tell him all the numbers i knew one two six fourteen and then i bow so yeah uh he totally fucking made me feel uh the way i should feel which is a small and inconsequential which was which was nice i i don't know for sure if he worked there did megan confirm that or no megan confirmed it yes she told us that well i also i feel like a lot of the staff at city oh city couldn't have cared less about the indie comedy show going on upstairs they were

all about getting money for a new face tattoo yeah dude but we brought in like the most money our wednesday night was bigger than their saturday for a while i don't know if that was true that was completely true that's what fucking vince told me the kitchen manager he was like it is our biggest night it's bigger than saturday well that's cool but maybe they hated us because they just wanted a medium amount of money yeah maybe they hated us because we were super cool and hip and uh their band hasn't taken off yet and then now he's in the biggest band in the world and i'm walking up doing the dog food he doesn't like it he went full dog food yeah he's talking to like the head of emi records and i walk up and i say jeremiah hell of a pleasure give me that meaty palm wearing a fucking schlereth jersey of course there's nothing there's nothing to like about me unless you already like me. All right.

I reeked. I pissed on the ground. I mean, of course. Of course he wasn't like, oh, let me talk to this guy. You were pissing while shaking his hand and doing the dog food. Yes. We had a nice time. We ran into a little tiff from City O City. There was a nacho bar, open bar.

She worked at Mindstream. Thank you. That was important. We went to the open bar. Lund had some waters, but he refused to have more than two bottled waters for some weird samurai code he lives by. No, it's wasteful. Yeah, it's wasteful. The whole thing was a waste.

All right. Well, I was trying to do my part yeah i had like uh one two i had five tall boys while we were there and then the open bar hit let's just say i was a bit of a problem that night yeah you wouldn't shut the up when you got home at 2 30 and the uh walls of the bedrooms did not go all the way up to the ceiling so that they were they were open yeah and luckily megan had a fan blasting so that she couldn't hear you just being it's hot this bed is small whatever the fuck you were saying i could hear every word you also insisted on being nude and showing and trying to get me to look at you

and i i looked at the butt for a while because you were dancing you were doing a march like a high step like march in place with the schlereth jersey on and no bottom yeah and then that's fun yeah it was fun and then like a minute later you came back out because i was sleeping in the living room because megan and the dogs had the bed and i was on the couch uh it was my birthday but whatever you know i know no i didn't i didn't care it was 3 a.m on your 40th birthday and you're sleeping on the couch your best friend's trying to show you his pain yeah when you came back out yeah all of a sudden it was about the front. And I was like, no, thank you.

I'm full. And you were like, yeah, but check it out. It's my dick. I don't care. I don't want to ever see it. And then you went back into the room. And then a minute later you came out again and you said, hey, here's a compromise. What if you just look at my balls and i was

like no i'd rather look at your dick than your balls i was trying to give you a little gift little early morning gift i made a gift out of it yeah i was like hey man you don't have to unwrap this right now but it's under the tree all right emily got me a birthday card and only signed it herself she didn't get you in on the uh she asked me if i wanted to sign it and i was like he doesn't care we're here we're spending time together i'm glad you wasted another five bucks on his dumb ass with that fucking card yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna invoice you it's a singing card which is fun yeah it was fun it was nice we tried to give you a nice time because we care about you it was a very nice time the next day where did we go becker do you know where we went for lun's birthday brunch brekkie chuckie cheese no yeah after the lumineer show

we were like we should definitely be around more children yeah and feel out of place we went to all you can eat sushi and lun pounded about 80 pieces it was pretty sick man dude nice i was ready to rock the righteous performance from old lundy i did a good job did you eat you ate quite a bit right i ate some of the sushi but um as you know i was experiencing severe gastrointestinal distress from all the farts that i was giving out uh so i had like i probably had like 12 15 pieces of sushi but you definitely ate the lion's share hell yeah leo style yeah luckily i ate that uh that udon noodle bowl that tasted like fish cum that was fun it's like a bunch of fish got together and jizzed in a rug and then they

fucking wrung it out man you and emily insisted on getting non-sushi stuff and i was like all right good luck with that they don't we're living we're living a plant-based lifestyle lund we're not throwing it all to the wind you said this is you at 35 imagine you at 40 that's gonna be rough and i was like oh damn i was already hung over and experiencing signs of panic from uh a negative interaction i had that day and then you were like yeah you think i'm gross wait till you hit 40. what the is that going to look like? Jesus Christ. I'll make sure to come put some combos on your grave. You started spiraling.

Yeah, dude. I had a rough, I had a rough day. Wait, what interaction when you went? Oh, just me and a friend had a tough time. Remember? Oh yes. Well, no, but that was before. Oh yeah.

Yeah. That was when you first woke up but you were thinking about the night before well yeah i was just like hungover uh anxiety i didn't want to fucking get out of bed at 10 30 and you guys were like come on it's a beautiful day and i was like leave me no the bring me bring me bako the airbnb had like little fucking fine print caveats and and fees and charges out the wazoo like i don't we might have gotten an extra charge because you put the ac down to 55 which i didn't think was possible on matumbo like oh yeah let's definitely we'll be comfortable if this place is at 55 it was a resident explode

but yeah i like it real low we wanted to get out of there before we would want to make sure we weren't in there at 1101 because there was probably 175 dollar if i can suck my dick charge yeah we did the right thing uh and we got out we went had some sushi that was nice and then you you went off and uh you had you had a pretty good booking that night right the club really hooked you up for your birthday well yeah i was jim norton was downtown jim norton was downtown sold out shows email went out like a month and a half ago asking for availability i said i'd love to do some shows with jim norton my hero my favorite person that was on tough crowd

by a mile it wasn't patrice it wasn't gerald though it was jimmy no no and then uh yeah i didn't hear him back and then uh wendy texted me hey are you available and i said yeah just saturday but not friday but saturday it's my birthday she was like woohoo and then i got to do 10 and host the two shows at the south club or laurie kilmartin laurie kilmartin which was great i'm glad that it was at least another funny fucking comic it could have just been some rando yeah feeling a feeling a weekend you know for the folks at home let me explain to you why this was such a slap in the fucking face let me explain why this was the ultimate disrespect for a 40 year old toad's birthday lund hadn't signed up in like a year so this should have been like a big deal to the people

who make the schedule like lund's back hell yeah fuck it's his birthday oh shit i don't know that's made in heaven hold on that that's accurate that's that's how they think they're like fuck the dog came out of retirement we better roll out the red carpet uh so on the shows you have the host who gets paid as much as the feature and then in between the host and the feature you have a b1 set that does 10 minutes and gets paid as much as the feature. And then in between the host and the feature, you have a B1 set that does 10 minutes and gets paid less than the headliner. So Lond on the first show had to do the B1 10-minute set. Instead of doing 20 minutes or 15 minutes,

they gave him 10. And then he has to stay all through that first show and wait around to the second show that he has to host now, which means he has to stay till the end of that show to bring down the show and say thanks for coming so comedyworks.com don't validate your parking uh-huh this was the shittiest booking situation it could have happened for lunch the poor dog yeah i get i mean i was i was annoyed and surprised it's like yeah give me give

me the 20s you know i'll do a good job instead you had sam adams go up there and do the 20 minute set that he does uh that he's done since 1999 he crushed yeah i'm glad he got to have a fun fun saturday no it was still fun i'm glad bukely was on the show you know so that we could uh hang out but uh yeah i'm a little surprised but maybe it was a uh uh you know a a half punishment a uh you get what you give kind of a situation because i haven't been signing up but it's like yeah i can't like sign up hoping that I get two 10 minute sets. And then I drive three hours to do those, you know,

to make 50 bucks or whatever. I get it, dude. It was just, it was just funny. That's what the schedule was for you on your birthday was the worst way it could have gone. A 10 and a,

and a host. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. One of those twenties, baby, give me that stage time. Let me eat. The worst way it could have gone. A 10 and a host, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, one of those 20s, baby. Give me that stage time. Let me eat.

I went off to Basalt to do a show with Sal Mazzacchi and Steve A.J. featured, and that was a lot of fun. A.J. was talking about, not on stage, but pissing inside of women. So I had to learn some stuff from my friend uh i went on stage after steve and i was like keep going for my friend or should i say associate nah my business partner steve aj so that was fun he loved it me and steve have so much fun together i kept being like steve's so hot you know like everyone here should be lucky to fuck steve man would you fuck steve and she was like no

and i was like why the only answer you can give that i won't be mad at is if you are racist if you think black people are gross that's fine i understand that but otherwise you're in the total wrong he's the prettiest man here but if you're racist that's okay that's why i don't want him to fuck my wife because i'm racist like if i walked in on them fucking i'd have to shoot her and then myself that's just because i'm racist ma'am all right do you understand what i'm saying that was a lot of fun then me and steve hung out afterward and some things were said cool blind item well me and steve just we get together and it gets it gets a little rock and roll if you know what i mean

i don't know if i mentioned it six months ago but after i did that show and we all went to the bar you probably went to the same bar they're like the only one that was open after the show there were a bunch of people like ethan's friends the booker cool ethan yeah and uh one of them was talking to me and i said something about how i quit drinking and she was like oh you can tell because your face is so uh clear you have such like a clear you're not like all bloated you're not red you have a very very nice skin meanwhile the guy that she's there with is next to her and is drinking quite a bit and has for a while because he was bloated and red as hell he looked like

and she was just blasting him while complimenting me it was it was weird dude steve reminded me of uh do you remember when lewis johnson was doing that like video podcast during quarantine lou yeah yeah remember that so he had me on there and he had me on with bobby collins i did you guys know who bobby collins is bobby collins yeah legendary comedian he's been doing it for like 60 years doing it 60 years nobody knows the joke i've ever told yeah no one's been a fan of mine ever but everybody knows my face and my name but my smile it looks like i'm grimacing i'm not bobby slayton i'm bobby Bobby Collins. But Steve was watching the live stream and he reminded me, Bobby Collins

wrote a book, and I wrote a book, and that's why Lewis had us on at the same time. And Bobby's book was all about his time in early showbiz when he was one of those comics who opened up for like, you know, Aretha Franklin, like The Who. He opened up for all these legendary

acts. And Bobby told all these stories about opening for Frank Sinatra and like hanging with Sinatra. And it was like 15 minutes of just like crazy stories. And at one point Lou cut him off because I hadn't been talking for a while. And he's like, so Sam, you ever open up for anyone like that? And I was like, what? I ever open up for anyone like Frank Sinatra? like what if i ever open up for anyone like frank sinatra what are you fucking talking about let the man talk he was just talking about you know

nancy's pussy now i gotta tell you about opening up for the yin yang twins one time that's the only comparable experience when i opened up for the twins and one of them drank a whole bottle of patrone and couldn't sing whoa yeah where was that me and david opened up for the twins and one of them drank a whole bottle of patrone and couldn't sing whoa yeah where was that me and david opened up for the yin yang twins on 420 at the oriental theater and one of the twins one of the twins has like rickets where his legs are bowed so it looks like he just rode a horse there for three days so he starts the show by going on stage at altitude and like downing a bottle of Patron and then like 20 minutes into the set, he was just laying on the ground and they had to bring him out and the DJ covered his parts.

And it's like, that's not the same story as like the rat pack taking a jet to Nice to go see Elvis, you know, let Bobby talk. Yeah. I'll plug my book at the end yeah i don't care the bobby you take it from here so yeah we had a lot of fun let fucking bobby collins tell another story about how

he performed for the like premiere of oman one time the mayor forgot my name and called me by a different name is that a good story hancock no remember yeah mayor hancock when i was i was emceeing for him yeah yeah i was emceeing for him on the mall and there was like a big like screen with my name on it and i was like i introduced myself to that i was like hello mr mayor my name is sam and he was like nice to see you jesse and i was like okay sure um i'm about to bring you on and like the off stage after the band gets done they're like welcome back to the stage your host sam talent and i go up there you know and there's a big screen with my face and my name my instagram handle on it and i was like hey you guys ready for more of me sam talent and they're like sam t nation and then i'm, keep it going for my mayor and yours, Mayor Michael Hancock.

And he comes up and he's like, let's keep it going for Jesse. I respected it. It's like that was the name he decided upon that day. That's fine fine you're the mayor you're busy man you're busy covering up your son's extramarital pursuits it's cool whoa hey blind item that's fun yeah that's hilarious i forgot about that that was like five years ago or something no it was a while ago he can't be the mayor again is that correct he is about to be term termed out so that's cool maybe i don't know i don't live there i live up north it always looks

like rain we elect our we elect our mayor via a knife fight between bold men yeah whoever survives yeah 1201 after the election day whoever's standing whoever isn't bleeding out in the street you guys do it by like don't you guys doesn't each candidate release a turtle and then they uh release three hawks in whichever uh hawk picks up whichever turtle first is the mayor isn't that how they do it in trinidad no no they do it remember the microsoft dirt people for bad no i don't i'm not a hundred i guess it would be beat it well they tie two people together by the by the hand oh yeah puerto rican wedding that's right that's what that's called quinceanera on acid and yeah you know whoever whoever wins we untie that we actually don't

untie them we have the person uh he's the lieutenant mayor yeah to the person that they just killed and you know it's a reminder of you know the voting process and the people that they represent beauty of democracy so you have to be able to learn how to sign legislation with your other hand. We do apologize for this episode being late. You will get one more free episode this week, as well as your Patreon episode. But me and Lunn just had a lot going on. It was a big, busy weekend for Lunn's last birthday. And, you know, our bad, baby.

Yeah, sorry. We live our lives our lives yeah we had a good time well it always sucks when we when we're going to be together but we have a bunch of shit we have to do or we're going to do it's like all right we'll squeeze in an episode and we want to but there's never like an ideal time especially with checkout times this is just pissing everyone off they're like yeah for sure fat fucks can't sit down for an hour between showing each other your dicks and talking about your wife's tits. I work at Arby's 50 hours a week. Yeah. I still make time to do my podcast, The Bastard Hog Party.

I still do my podcast where I review Sega Genesis games. So, hey, why can't you make time for us? So this is the free one for last week. This is free. No fee. You get it from me, Sam T. My sister's name is Fee episode. All right.

Nice. Well, yeah. Check out the Patreon. Sam mentioned it earlier, but a bunch of great episodes on there some of our favorites are nestled within the confines of the patreon universe and we've had great guests we had patrice o'neill on um we had jakeel jakeel o'neill on we had jermaine o'neill i kept i kept calling shaquille patrice he didn't like it i was like so Patrice what was it like boxing out Barkley it's like how do you still know that I was a basketball

player but you keep calling me by a comedian's name I was like do you want to hear my impression of you sir that was a Patreon so sign up over there and also please sign up for the Patreon because this is big news we found a guy who can make us a bako suit for becker uh we're gonna get becker professionally

measured by lasers it's going to be skin it's going to be movie quality uh and then we are going to release Becker at our friend's wedding on August 20th. Oh, no. This was Becker? Were you not told about this? I didn't know the date. That's hilarious. I love it. We're not going to be there, are we?

Did Sam Fly home? I'll be there. You'll be there. He's in the wedding, I think. We'll be in the wedding, you uh we'll be in the wedding you know dressed up in his nice suit and then when the dance floor opens up guess who's making an appearance it's fucking bako and guess what the guns aren't fake all right bako is strapped up like rambo uh he's got a fucking glistening hand-painted ar and he is brandishing it at the wedding all right so we'll

we'll film that content uh what were what were we laughing about lond how we needed to do it so that we had two bako suits well you got you got real deep into this this idea of having dude i've been thinking about bako a lot he's maybe my best creation i've ever put into the world we put crazy into one suit so that becker can show up as himself and everybody's like wait what the fuck you were like wait bako's real you thought people would be confused and get worked like a mark holy shit Paco's real and you thought that we needed two suits

to pull it off and it was like no we just need somebody else in the one suit yeah so that when Becker's not in the suit they're in the suit and they don't think it's Becker I was like no we need two we need to coordinate it yes so that when Becker's not in the suit they're in the suit and they don't think it's Becker I was like no we need two and we need to coordinate it Bako's real

so yes please join our patreon so we can get two Bako suits. So that we can shatter the reality. We need one that we can have shot up by the cops. Yes. So people think he's dead. And then the next week, Bako lives. Bako's back. Yeah, we need to have one made that's actually bulletproof or animatronic so that we can release him onto the streets. Animatronic Baco and have him in an arm standoff with Denver police.

And on the news, they say... Well, don't know how to explain this one, folks, but apparently Denver's number one podcast chubby behemoth breathed into life a fifth ninja turtle named and he is on a bloody rampage throughout the 16th street mall oh no we just had to confirm the woman who lays on her back and screams now has been killed oh shit a sniper a sniper has just, this footage is brutal, everyone. We're sorry to show it to you live, but Baco has been put down. And then a week later,

Becker shows up to a quinceanera. And no one... And everyone's afraid now. Everyone... Because Baco went from being a good guy to just this fucking malignant figure of terror and then he shows up

the cops shoot him that's what we need please join Patreon so we can get like five different animatronic Bacos made so we keep showing up places Baco's not gonna die up places. Bako's not gonna die until he's ready.

So as your accountant, Mr. Talent, it looks like you have spent $63,000 on quote-unquote Bako suits. Don't tell the cops or I'll put Baco on you. Never mind. Oh, fuck.

So yeah, patreon.com slash Chevy Behemoth. We love y'all. Good night.