Chubby Behemoth - Opposite Day

Episode Date: July 28, 2022

Formidable Butt. Trapped In The Knob. Borat Adjacent.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

I, I, that's, that's, that's super, super fly. No. That's fly with me. Hey, you big as a house and you don't want to leave the house in order to get a big ass shirt for your giant body. Well, I got a, I got a promo code for you. Is you a mo alexander type are you sick of stitching together nine shirts just to feel fly on the dance floor we uh i did a show uh on sunday at this i guess this will just start the pod sunday i did a show uh sunday fun day with alec flynn and and our buddy Mo was on there.

And you know Mo is very funny. More like more. More Alexander. That's what I was telling Josh Emerson. I was like yeah I think he's lost like 120 pounds. And Josh was like he looks great. But like we had to get

a special chair for mo from upstairs um because he was like sitting on a stool and it wasn't working so we had to go find him a chair and then put him in the chair and then uh he went to stand up to do his set and man that was a lot of ass there was so much ass out of the pants when mo stood like lund i mooned you bori has mooned me before which is he's got a formidable butt this bori character the two of you together correct to be the twin towers uh or the axis of evil is a better yeah i would assume that is the access road to our evil. The crack of evil.

Yes. Yeah, when Bori and I once mooned my wife, and she didn't laugh, and she didn't say, like, oh, you boys. She was just, like, kind of bummed out and went in the next room. Just started walking. Quick, she's coming home from school, Bori, quick. Let's get her. And we were just standing there, bent over at the door. door she was just like took her shoes off and went in the

bedroom just hear a bunch of sad music coming out from there yeah you just hear her put on uh her favorite um bright eyes song and then a single gunshot. But yeah, shout out to Mo, funny as ever, but just so much ass. And I've been guilty of my butt being exposed on accident. Were you behind him? Were you behind him? Were you side of the stage or what?

Oh yeah, I was behind him. I was helping him rise from behind. And I was nuts to all of his butts i did not have enough nuts for the amount of butt that i had access to in that moment speaking of uh gross visages yes i crammed this wasn't this wasn't his face well no i don't know isn't it a face i don't think so i Well, no. Isn't it a visage of a face? I don't think so. I thought it was just a... Oh, yeah. A countenance is a face.

Anyway, yes. Very good. So I'm going to the bathroom, you know, Lund style before this. What's Lund style mean? Bleary-eyed, furious, holding a dog in your arms. I face the toilet tank. I sit down backwards oh yeah you guidance counselor yeah cool cool teacher cool teacher you spin the toilet around say hey listen

up i've been 15 before i was i was uh in there and i i know that i've noticed this before but i think it's been a while but i there's like a little, it was already here when we moved in. There was like this little old metal set of drawers that's in the bathroom, you know, put stuff on top, put stuff in there, you know, cleaning supplies or whatever. Yes, we're all familiar with a set of drawers. A little storage thing. And the knob, the knob the handle of the

one of the drawers is like shiny and you can see yourself in it so i can see my whole body in this little it looks like i'm trapped in the in the knob you know like i'm hidden in there and it's a weird angle you know obviously it's like weird like i look insane i'm like oh god i gotta put some tape on that and then instead of making any positive choices no you just cover up the knob you should just put a blindfold on instead i'm just gonna i'm just gonna get rid of the knob oh look at the way this knob expands me and bloats me we gotta get a new knob hey honey can you go to knobs or us we're gonna get a matte knob this shiny one is too reflective but yeah so then i get up and i'm washing my hands and i see that like the way that uh the the medicine cabinet it has a little bit of like steel on it or whatever and that's reflective and i can just

see my dick and balls like that is front and center and as i wash my hands and i was like oh man this is a fucking just a fun house set of mirrors to highlight my gross body everywhere i look yeah i can't escape it's a deleted scene from saw that was like jigsaw he was like oh fuck i'm in a hurry i gotta come up with a puzzle uh that guy bathroom reflective services all right let's go quick roll tape he's waking up hello nathan you have made a series of mistakes that have been in your life last night you had every choco taco remaining in stock in southern colorado and now you have to pass it we'll go see what we see when we see you i did have a kfc taco bell and i didn go crazy. I had a chicken sandwich and a vegetarian fare from the Taco Bell side of the menu.

Okay. So fare means more than three things. Oh, hell yeah. Four things. Yeah. You said you didn't go crazy. That's how you preface this. Well, two of those things were the potato soft taco.

It's a couple bites. You're gone. You know, it's gone couple bites you're gone you know it's gone yeah yeah it's good and then you have to wake up and go look at what what chaos man has wrought on your body i hate that i hate being surprised with a full body image of my nude torso oh hello yeah a lot of hotel rooms you don't know what the mirror setup is and where the toilet is and then you get in there and it's like come on what are you what are you thinking everybody wants to look at themselves while they dump that is not true how many sides of this room have to be floor to ceiling length mirrors what's going on radison

when you check into a hotel they should just be like all right and we have you in the chode suite which uh yeah the lighting is low and there's one mirror. There's one mirror. And you have to put in an access code to access it. It's in the safe. So you can just lock that up if you like. Dude, me and Steve went to check in to the hotel. Steve AJ, who's just, you know, fucking world-class athlete.

Beautiful. And we check in and they say, aj nice to see you so uh here's your room 104 uh you have access to the gym uh it's open until midnight so you can get in there whenever you want and mr talent here you go you're in 103 uh breakfast starts at six. Same person. Yes. The same exact person. Two key cards. One for Steve.

Hey, so the gym's in there. We have lat pull down machines. We have a squat rack. You know, if you need to be spotted, one of our concierge's can come in there. They'd love to.

It looks like you've been working on your core and Mr. Talent. We've made sure that you don't have any white linens in the bedroom. Mr. Talent, we listen to the podcast. And if you have to make any late night moves to the dumpster, just let us know. We have a diarrhea concierge. And we took her passport just for moments like this. Yeah, it was brutal and steve didn't even like realize it until i did it on stage that night and told that story and he was like you know oh oh damn man that's how he sounds god damn uchi mochi with your ass he's always saying uchi mochi and i'm like come on man

nobody's gonna say it but i've heard other people say it and it must have come from him so i was wrong steve's new thing did i talk about him wanting to piss inside of a woman you briefly mentioned it but jesus we spent a lot of time addressing that uh just in casual conversation at the bar surrounded by people who were at the show and they just hear me being like i don't know man not really my thing and he's like yeah but they're wet already so why not just make them wetter okay well interesting he's like well if if squirting is pissed then i'm just pissing in there making them squirt yeah i mean the all adds up professor pretty sound logic yeah he's not wrong he's not wrong no i'm surprised you weren't like well yeah i've been pissing next to my wife at concerts i

could probably slip it in i pissed just a little bit just so i didn't do it in my pants so let's let it go not i'm not i'm not going to let it go because you get a barometer it's insane that you didn't you went i know you went to the restroom at one point and you came back with beers that's normal american behavior and then red white and blue at some point you're like well god you can just talk yourself into anything you're the main character and everybody else is just living in your main character i'm just ready to fuck living in my field how dare you sir that's right no we all just have to clean up we all just have to clean up your messes and scrub your floors you like cleaning up my mess you literally like cleaning

up stuff. That Airbnb was so clean when we left. And it's because Lund woke up early, cracked his knuckles, said happy birthday to me. Time to unwrap my gift. I didn't do shit. Clean the windows at an Airbnb. Who knows what we were supposed to do with all that fine print. I don't remember if we were supposed to wipe anything down.

I didn't. I don't. I need to clean my house more it's getting a little dog hairy emmy cleaned the entire house top to bottom and now i'm afraid to fucking move around in here yeah yeah it's uh it's a museum now it is yeah it's like grandma's house in here it's perfect 55 degrees i wish dude god that was so funny to me becker let's say you walk into a hotel how low do you set the ac unit as low as it goes correct all the way down until it just says cold yeah or low sometimes we're low and lo yeah yeah i don't know i feel i feel like i feel like sometimes that might not i don't know it seems like it might backfire like if you go too low it's it's not going to actually respond and with that amount of uh cold i don't know so you don't trust technology that's your issue i don't think it gets there i don't think it gets there you're afraid of the rise of the machines so you won't push

the limits of the ac unit also you don't want you're always afraid that someone's gonna come get you and you're gonna be in trouble you don't want 55 anyway yes you do now that's too that's too cold no dude it's not it's literally not I got it to 59 in my house last night, and it's the best sleep I've had in two weeks. Yeah, because it's cave status, dude. It reminds you of your reptilian memory. You just lay down in the cave, and you're cold until you're warm again.

Becker gets it. I wish it was cold. I would have the AC going 24-7 in my house if I could, and every light on in the fucking house. If you didn't have to pay for it? No, I mean, I don't care. Emily comes home and she's like, every light's on. Oh, good, you left the AC on upstairs.

And it's like, yeah, I'm paying for it. I might end up going up there later. Yeah. What if I go up there? I want it to be cold. I don't know if you heard, Lun, because it was the Rand Barnaclow episode when he was on. But one time when I got back on Weed,

Rand went to do a show and he was staying at my house and he came home and it was like 1.30 a.m. My dad was asleep in the guest bedroom. It was right after my mom died. And he came in and all the lights were on in the house at 1.30. And I was watching The Town with the volume to 99. What? Yeah. the house at 1 30 and i was watching the town with the volume to 99 wait but you were asleep or you were no no i was watching it and i had and my and my uh nicotine vape in the same hand and i was just laying on the couch vampire style

vaping and he was like god damn dude he's sleeping in the next room and you're blasting the town at 99 my man is stoned over here look at you look how high you are i could hear you from across the fucking street let's just gunshots yeah that's a that's a tough one to blast just constant machine gun fire what What is Bako in town? Bako goes to Boston. Bako's got a plan. If you thought the bombing was bad, wait till Bako gets there.

Oh yeah. Shout out to a queen of the pod, AJ Splendor for a funny Bako. Yeah. Taxi driver. Fuck yeah. Meets game boy. No, this is on our Instagram. instagram instagram i posted it this morning becker instagram.com is a pretty cool website where friends and strangers alike share videos or photos of their lives you know a lot of nature photography a lot of stand-up

pictures it's just clips of people doing crowd work now. That's my entire feed. Well, that's our fault, isn't it? We follow the comics and then we get mad at them for sharing their acts with the world. Well, guess what? I don't watch anymore. All right? I love you.

But I'm flipping right through. As soon as I see the microphone, I'm like, well, I never have to hear what this is. Oh, cool. There's a Turkishkish man cooking by a spring this is what i'm here for yeah i want to see a giant burrito turkish guy no guys yeah oh dude there's all these like uh i mean they're somewhere from over there you know uh borat adjacent and they're just like cooking big pieces of meat like near a waterfall on a hubcap over an open fire.

And it's just like very tranquil. It's awesome. That's a lot of my feed. Now I don't have a pornographic search page. You look at Brent Gill, David Borey's pretty much anyone. If Stephen A.J. sends me a DM on Instagram,

I have to go in a different room and turn the lights off to open it. I gotta be like, I forgot something at the store. I'll be right back. Let's go sit in my car and see what it is. And it's invariably like a woman's pussy eating a piece of fruit. I'm like, okay. Thank you, Steve. Thanks for

enlightening me as to what them pussies do. Becker, are you looking at your feed right now? Yeah, mine's just cars and shoes. Did you hit search? If I go to search, it tries to show me cars and shoes

and some furniture. I'll open up mine right now. Let's see. Mine is wrestling and boobs and butts yeah also shout out to whoever uh posted on reddit the uh everything reminds me of her and it's a photoshop of a pack of american spirits and it just says bako and instead of tobacco that cracks me up get on that chub reddit y'all it's fun dude uh it's a safe place for guys like us i'm glad it hasn't evolved into hate speech yeah very few manifestos which is good it could have a couple more like big rocking pairs of tits i always thought that'd be a fun space for guys to

post boobs but uh no one's done i mean yeah it's hard to it's hard to find tits on the internet so we should definitely have them in the chub reddit here is uh my first thing my first thing on instagram search is a picture of jose canseco uh that's bizarre yeah um here is uh aaron donald in madden okay the only things oh yeah a lot of yeah i click on like every madden thing lately to see oh fucking ed too tall jones as a wide receiver is like why did i click on this i knew what it was it's an old dead guy lineman that uh is now in a madden game and yeah he's tall so for some reason he can cover a fucking safety or whatever. Yeah, exactly. He's fine in the flat. Whoa, he knocked it down.

That's why they shared it. And I watched it. I got sucked right in. Oh, I'm so susceptible. I'm easily manipulated, and I don't care. I don't care who I fucking hurt. As long as I get mine. As long as I get mine. As long as I get my fucking brain rocks off.

Gimme, gimme. Feed me more. You know what I want to talk about? So, Becker, this one goes to you. Because I... Okay, so Lund already knows about this and so does my wife and a couple other people and i think all of them are worried with how much i'm concerned with this um i didn't like dream of the sword or anything recently but i have been having some pretty crazy dreams where i'm like

running from a forest fire like i'm in the woods just like ram like running from a forest fire. Like I'm in the woods, just like Rambo running from a forest fire. And there's like deer passing me and like, you know, like elk passing me on the left. And there's just like chaos and ruin in my wake. So what has been ever prevalent? What I've been having like intrusive thoughts, and it all has to do with opposite day. See? One knows what I'm talking about. I didn't see that coming. Well, dude, I can't let it go, and I feel like I need to talk to someone about this pathology. What's opposite day?

What's opposite day? Okay. So, Becker, do you remember when you were a boy and someone would tell you it's opposite day did you have this in the springs you didn't have opposite day i don't think so what the fuck are you talking about focus on the family focus on the family outlawed it james thompson was like opposite day is the work of the devil it's a it's a trick it's a it's a den of lies opposite day is the only day you can get an abortion still go to heaven that's what he would do when he took his like 15 year old slut

excuse me 15 year old victim whoa well no to be fair can you beep that let's just make a time note he was using prostitutes correct yeah so yeah. So he'd be like, it's opposite day, baby. That means you're going to peg me. Yeah, Mike Jones, who I remember doing the interviews on the local news, who was the gay prostitute, he was doing meth off of his cock, would love being called a slut. What? Whoa.

Okay, so cool. So I'm empowering these people. Dobson was hooking up with Mike Jones, the rapper? Mike Jones. And it was right at the time that the rapper was still around. It showed God actually is real. It's like, check this out.

Check this out, dudes and dudettes. God is Baco. Hey, check this out. Look at the way they dance for Baco. They always get caught up in the end. If I'm remembered for anything, I hope it's Bako.

Like I hope at my funeral, there's not a picture of me. There's just different artists, renderings of Bako. People come in and they nod and they put flowers on them so Becker if you don't know about opposite day I can't have this conversation with you well explain it opposite day was a phenomenon and it wasn't even like an organized thing there wasn't like a council or any a committee that decided when it was opposite day but it pretty much what it broke down to would be like your friend would be like hey do you hear it's opposite day and you'd go like oh cool then they'd be like yeah you're straight or like uh you know hey yeah

that means you're cool today or uh or yeah or look look at your you're attractive you know it'd be opposite day and people would say like yes and no and it would happen it would go on for 12 minutes and you'd forget about it so the paradox that i've been experiencing is for it to actually be opposite day, it would have to not be opposite day. Yeah, you'd have to say it's not opposite day, and that would mean it is. Yes. And Sam couldn't let this go. We were trying to have a nice dinner, me and Emily and Megan and Sam,

and Sam was like, no, but we really have to figure this out. It's like, shut up. Let's just go. Let's finish up. Go to the show. We got the worst service of our lives. And then Sam has to pile on with getting back to opposite day. And it was like, come on.

Go in the bathroom and talk it out. Well, it's just so bizarre to me that I've been privy to opposite days since my earliest memories, like four or five years old, my cousins being like, it's opposite day. That means mommy loves you, that kind of thing. Oh, my God. Well, yeah. I think maybe it's the cruelty that is haunting you

as opposed to the specifics of how it works. Yeah, the logistics of the day. I think for everyone to do it the right way like you're talking about sam where we'd say it's not opposite day opposite day would have to be an observed holiday where we all knew when it was coming well sure like the purge effectively that's what you're saying well no just opposite if it was up if we knew like april 2nd was opposite day after april fools but then it wouldn't be opposite day you'd have to say it's not opposite day today right but you'd know to do that because everyone would

mentally understand that it's that day whereas just saying it's not opposite day when it's just a hazing ritual that could be any time seems but i feel like agreeing upon a universal opposite day counteracts the the chaos and randomness of an actual opposite day i should have said i said i should have i should have had the beginning and an end of this conversation when i said kids are dumb let's just move on kids are dumb they do dumb shit and uh that wasn't enough for you you had to go to the library I mean some poor woman I've been trying to think this thing through yeah I walked up to the stacks and I was like ma'am I'll take every book you have on opposite day. I need child psychology. I need truth versus colonial American history. I mean, what is a fact?

Yeah, I don't know, dude. I just like can't get the thought out of my head and it kind of sucks. Yeah, it sucks for me, too. You're right. You're still bringing it up. It's not opposite day. Yeah be it's not opposite day yeah it's not opposite day yeah you're not wrong okay well that's that's good to hear thank you no one else has said that to me yet everyone's just been like please shut up about this like emily is like dude i can't i can't talk about opposite day ever again we were at dinner

last night with karina in Boston, her boyfriend for his birthday. And I was, you know, she went to the bathroom and I was like, so guys, you guys remember opposite day? You try to squeeze a quick combo in there before she gets back.

So when Emily came back and I was like, yes, but it would not be opposite day unless we said it was not opposite day. And then there's no opposite day, whatever. And she was like, yes, but it would not be opposite day unless we said it was not opposite day. And then there's no opposite day, whatever. And she was like, dude, no. She's like, I'm so sorry. She just keeps walking by and goes out of the restaurant into the car. She literally walked up and flicked the back of my ear because she knows how much I hate that.

That's how she silenced me was with a quick flick right to the earlobe. I was like, oh, I oh i'm sorry okay so anyway i mean this is my beautiful mind moment dude this is it this is i've i've gone pie on this thing this is what's going to crack my fucking brain is this paradox this fucking geiger-esque or no uh mc escher-esque uh fugue that just goes on in my brain you guys ever read uh girdle it's spelled godel escher bach the eternal golden braid no no well it's all about paradoxes and it's all about fugues and things that start and then they end at the same place where they began and it should have been called godel escher bach opposite day and internal golden braid

because it's just like i need to give a symposium on this and talk to people who are like logicians and have them if anyone out there is a logician please reach out to the pod and we can get to the fucking bottom of this all right god yeah definitely waste your time holding sam's hand on this fucking it's it's like saying why would you why would you ring someone's doorbell if the whole point of the doorbell waste your time holding Sam's hand on this fucking, it's like saying, why would you, why would you ring someone's doorbell? If the whole point of the doorbell is for somebody to come answer the

door. And then you know, this isn't answering. Yes, it is. No, it's not. It's not driveway.

It's not that kind of thing. You trying to figure out why kids are stupid. It's not parkway versus driveway. No, I'm not trying to figure out why kids are stupid. I'm just trying to figure out if there is a way where opposite day can in fact exist without saying that it is opposite day that's what i'm saying it's a contradiction in its own terms and it negates it a negates b equals c doesn't make sense dude all right anyway you know what does make sense

lund what's up you know what makes sense to you, Becker? Eating too much? Well, no. Yes, that's all that you can think about. But no, wearing shirts. You guys wear shirts in your daily lives? We have to do it. Yeah, I know we do because, look, no one wants to see what I got.

Lund saw his own nude torso this morning in the knob and if he would have had a strong enough rope, he would have hung himself. Yeah. I got to see a knob in the knob. Yeah.

So if you would like to wear a shirt and not have everyone see your weird fucking fat tits, if you're a guy or, uh, you know, that swastika tattoo you tried to have cover up after you left a B, you can go to seven dash strong.com and use promo code chubby5 to get 5% off your purchase.

Now, you might be thinking, 5% off? Who fucking cares, you know? You might be thinking that. We might be thinking that, you know? All three of us might be thinking, why the fuck are we doing this? And also, how are we getting paid? That's what we all might be thinking that, you know, all three of us might be thinking, why the fuck are we doing this? And also, how are we getting paid? That's what we all might be thinking. But look, if you're listening to this podcast, you're either a lady who's got them and you're tired of your coworkers, you know, asking you to touch your elbows behind your back. Remember that scam? You guys have that growing up?

That one I did have. OK, cool. So that that one didn't miss colorado springs like opposite day did that was the best dude it's sixth seventh grade before they got wise to it you'd be like i don't think you can touch your elbows behind your back heidi hartman and she'd be like yes i can you'd be like i have to go to the bathroom um so yeah why don't you go to seven dash strong.com they got shirts for pant loads guigwos chode masters uh mega fauna uh danguses dwanguses chode-esque chode adjacent go on there they go all the way up to 4x you've seen them there if you watch are you garbage they're the clothes that foley wears and he's as big as a man is allowed to be so uh seven dash strong chubby

five gets you that sweet sweet sweet five percent off and look in this economy five percent is almost worthless but all that matters is we have a sponsor and we're glad to have them uh i wear it and they're paying me for it is it is it the number seven it's the number seven and also a dash like a hyphen so they have problems all right the seo has not been optimized for sure but they have what's that noise i coughed oh my god it was wet it's the cough that gets you off well yeah i got a little like a queef got a little milk in my coffee whoa enter code queef for 25 off bro yeah oh queef friend

enter promo code queef friend to be my friend who queefs To be my friend who queefs. Oh. You just did a wet one. I can't. That was going to be the pod when we started this. It was just an impression. Yeah, I've got to get back to my John Dole.

Don't say his name, dude. Who cares? The answers are out there. Toll is literally Baco come to life he's he's gonna go he's he's preparing to go full bako yes hey by the way if one of you does commit some kind of mass crime please don't say i'm going full bako that's how we get on the map fuck youtube please don't let that be the last message that you post on your twitter it is time to go full bako where bako was right or we are all bako just leave bako out of it if you leave bako pure

yeah don't bako's real bako told me to do this oh david warner died this week and it cracked me up at like two in the morning when i was reading about it to think of bako killing him who is that the professor from turtles 2 and raza ghul from all the batman cartoons oh shit you just figured we knew who david warner was i figured sam did sam knows more about the ninja turtles than anyone else i know i grew up with the turtles turtles were heavy in my life dude but he only exposes it when he's using it to make fun of me that's also a paradox he knows so much about it but then he only uses the information in order to mock you for knowing that same information that is actually a character trait that i exhibit in many different ways

where it's like when someone's making fun of ska i'm like oh i bet you listen to mu 330 you know like i can go deep on some very esoteric knowledge bases magic the gathering ska uh the ninja turtles mid 90s wrestling um trish stratus in general uh stacy kiebler god damn i would have fucking broke her in half if they let me near kiebler at 13 i would still be in jail that's all i'm saying that's all i'm saying right now what i was that's just i'm just saying that you know okay it's fine hey i'm just saying it. That's all. Hypothetical certainty for a long ago time period.

Hypothetically, I'm just saying they would have thrown away the key. They'd still be studying me and my brain. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I mean, dude, it's just like when you're that age, you're just an it's you're just an animal you're just

an animal trying to be a human being once yeah some people don't get to graduate out of that mindset they just stay stunted where every woman is both longed after and hated oh god what a nightmare i know you're so pretty i must destroy you it's like shut up just go ride a bike what are you talking about yeah just go do some push-ups or like uh learn to cook a nice curry you know but yeah like if kiebler was like if i like we do a meet and greet or something i'm 13 i'm like stacy can i have a kiss? She'd be like, oh, no, no. And I'd be like, guess what, bitch? It's opposite day. Her last words would be like, it can't be opposite day if you say it's opposite day.

And that haunts me. Just in my padded cell, there's just drawings on the wall, just charts of Keebler and opposite day. Anyway, 7-strong.com No! We weren't even going to mention them, you psycho. It was a free one, man.

Oh. Yeah, who cares? You decided. Yeah, we're having so much fun. Why put this behind the paywall? I guess. But hey, if you want to get behind that paywall, I got news for you you can go to patreon.com slash shy behemoth look how much fucking fun you're having right now you dip shit all right look how much goddamn giggles you're cramming in your old smile hole that's because

of sam london to a lesser degree becker all right but when becker talks it rocks and you can move your socks over to your box of a computer and put it in put it in patreon.com slash show behemoth just join the it's five fucking bucks dude all right that's all we asked for just give us the five dollars you can put twenty dollars in there i think we have two i think we have a couple of uh podcast geniuses that will sign up and cram the back catalog and then bail. And it's like, cool, you've you gamed the system. Yeah. And also another genius move is to tell everyone how to do that. So cool move, Lund. Smart.

Also, also, yeah, you have to you have to sign back up to do it again. So it's not like it's a one and done. We're adding new episodes all the time so if you got five dollars a month cool if you don't if i can figure it out either way listen to chubby behemoth sell blood or pull pud online all right that's what you do show hole yeah just fucking post hole twice a week on some only fans that's all you got to do i really want to go to a certain wedding dressed as bako yes and we are we are so close to our fucking goal all right and look if you're not enough of you sign up we're gonna still get the mascot uniform but it's gonna be dog shit because

it's gonna be from mascotsfast.com all right do I have it all planned out on there? Because I can't trust any one of you dipshits. Yes, I do. Okay. Does it come with a weird top hat that is not separate? You can't separate from the suit. Yes, it does. You have to get a weird purple top hat on this mascot outfit. I don't know why, but we are going to, if we have to, we will allocate the funds to getting just a rinky-dink kind of budget mascot outfit so we can get a personalized AR-15. All right? That's where all the money is going to. So join the Patreon so we can get a bunch of guns and send our friend in a costume to a wedding armed with them. Okay?

What's so hard about this to understand? We want to arm up Becker. with them okay what's so hard about this to understand we want to arm up becker we want to send him in unbeknownst to a wedding party with a bunch of guns and we want him to say bako is fear bako is all what's the big deal who cares yeah who cares just do it patreon.com slash showy behemoth now here's something like not opposite not an opposite day anymore we're done with that um i just remembered earlier when i was talking about my cousins one time my cousin sarah and alita uh they used to dress me up like a girl and then one time uh they dressed me up like a girl with a bunch of makeup and a big dress and then they were like hey sam get in this trunk

and you can pop out of it and we'll bring uh aunt theta downstairs and you pop out and it'll be a funny surprise and i was like okay so i get in the trunk they lock me in there four hours goes by whoa i'm locked in a trunk dressed as a girl makeup on crying screaming knocking the trunk complete darkness maybe that's why this opposite day thing has stuck with me so much because when i would the day that i was an opposite when i was a girl and not a boy was one of the scariest moments of my entire life locked in a trunk from two in the afternoon until my uncle pat got home at like 6 6 30 and heard me rocking and rolling in the garage could that be it yeah i don't think so no you associate that with opposite day well i'm just thinking opposites

yeah maybe maybe if the cousins said it's opposite day so you have to dress like a girl and normally you're normally you're outside so today you have to be inside this trunk then it would make sense for it to be burned into your brain but instead you're just uh so bored that you are fixating on fucking opposite day way too much maybe you know they used to torture me as a boy and then when i got older my grandpa over would always say yeah you girls really put him through the ringer back then and he could have whipped the shit out of you and you know what honestly he probably should have a couple damn times because you really put the fucking hurt on him didn't you i'd be like yeah grandpa you're right i should have beaten up my girl cousins thank you thanks grandpa over and then he'd be

like sam get in the damn truck all right we're going to kfc and then we're going to subway and i'm gonna let you eat it all yeah he spoiled you yeah and then i'm gonna eat it in the back of the damn truck the ladies got sick of it and they're like, let's bring Sam down a peg or two. Yes. One time my grandpa got really hot because there was no AC in his truck. So he pulled over and took off his pants and shirt and drove around in his underwear. He had a big old gut on him. That was a fun move.

You look like me in the knob. You can do this? Yeah. He was trapped in the knob that day. He took the knob out on the road this is what i see everybody else has to see it too yeah he would always say don't embarrass me none all right that makes me think of uh you being surrounded by uh older women uh family members makes me think of bobby remember when we were out on the road we didn't

really understand bobby's comings and goings the thought process yeah no we were confused and then i told you i think it's because he was surrounded he has four older sisters three older sisters he's the youngest of five girls yes and you love to say that i said that to him all the time and he hated it i think i think that i think yeah we figured out that that was part of the part of the issue was just his whole life he'd been told to shut the hell up by the uh by the older siblings well yeah and then he fucking starts rolling with the hog pack he gets in with me sharpie and you just three alphas and then he gets in there with his what we always thought was mild autism and it ended up just being shyness i would always tell people bobby was

autistic that was bad i'd be like yeah we'd figure it out he's autistic but then we would always tell people that they'd be like where's bobby it's like oh he uh he's his dad that was like a big running joke that we had with bobby for years where it's like bobby would be late to something for five minutes and we'd tell like you know maybe prospective lovers uh that were interested where's bobby would be like oh yeah he's uh he'll be here in a minute he's busy his dad that came i remember that came from he and his dad going riding motorcycles together and yeah they went on a motorcycle you decided you decided that on that trip they made love and then you couldn't stop bringing it up every time you saw him or thought about him it's always

me it was always always all me you guys didn't join in on the fun at all did you i mean i remember laughing at the absurdity and then once i saw how little bobby cared for it i thought it would go away and you were like nope i'm gonna i'm gonna shine this up and bring it out every chance i get i would be like bobby i'm just kidding about you fucking your dad i know you don't fuck your dad also it's not opposite day his eyes would squirrel around in his head bobby bobby is uh he's a lawyer now so um hopefully the statute of limitations are up on that slander because i told he's told hundreds of people that he's gonna sue the shit out of you and now i'm just telling thousands of people bobby fucks his dad all right so the thing with the thing with bobby that i figured out is that unlike most of us loud idiots.

He fucked his dad. Unlike you and me. Very funny. Thank you. Unlike the rest of us, in most comics and a lot of people, he doesn't vocalize every thought in his head. He can be quiet for long amounts of time. And instead of trying to be more like him,

we made fun of him and said that he was special and uh it wasn't really fair it's like oh yeah you should be braying like a jackass 24 7 like the rest of us yeah we we made it seem like he was the weird one when because he was just quiet uh you know feminine um you know feminine about him i'm just saying he had a more feminine energy than we did because he was raised by women i guess maybe that's part of it i didn't mean that as a negative thing you know that i value the feminine and i prefer to listen to women talk than i do to men you were raised by women i was raised by women and guess what if you get in the situation fellas listen to this all right

i know that you're uh you know taking a pause from your 23 hours a day of hentai porn to listen to this i appreciate it you're uh that shit's fucked by the way that shit's wild but hey whatever gets you hard and then soft yeah becker what do you know about it i i i run a comic book store what do you think i know about i have guigos come in asking me to get it in print all the time they want hard copies of the hentai dude hentai and porno comics account for a third of all comic book sales what like cherry yes and if you think about it you've never seen them on the rack those are all private orders holy shit dude 30 of the comic game i remember going to comic book conventions as a kid like i remember back in the day before comics were cool and they would just have like

conventions where it'd be like numismatist it'd be like coins and old currency and then there'd be like stamps and they'd be like baseball cards and there was also the comic book guys there yep i remember going in there with my uncle who was a you know big coin collector currency collector and fucking walking by the comic books and it was the horniest shit i've ever seen and then they would have like spawn alternate cover number one and then just like sherry like uh what little gape and annie i can't remember all the names um your uncle would be like your uncle would be like your uncle would be like hey do y'all have any nazi coins no all right we're out of here sam you'd be like let me see the comic books yeah no we're moving on this place this place is dead look look i know that

they're having a tough time now, but when things get back to the way they should, this is the only money that's going to matter. So I'm investing in your future, Sam. Those comic books aren't going to be worth shit. No. Yeah, but dude, Becker, you know what you should do? Order us some horny comics.

Dude, they're so creepy. None of them are just horny. They're're all violent violent or deeply creepy like cherry was a character that archie comics sold off when they were doing poorly yeah and cheryl and uh like her and her mom fuck each other like constantly in the books so kind of like a bobby on not opposite day situation yeah it's a very it's a very not opposite day bobby lawyer sitch yes but um it's all archie comic art right i know it's round faces big eyes yeah and then and then they like reference it in the cw riverdale show where cheryl's mom runs the town brothel whoa yeah it's weird that it like

that there's people working at the cw who are reading cherry while they work on well do you remember um it wasn't fucking wizard magazine it was a different oh it was like uh the mile high comics would send out their like monthly mailer they would tell you what you could order and shit yep in the back i remember one time a young curious sam talent placing an order for the they had like a uh random grab bag of triple x comics nice yes and when those arrived let's just say i went underground for a couple of weeks yeah oh yeah you're now attracted to dinosaurs no luckily mine weren't like anthropomorphized anything uh it was uh it was kind of like heavy metal but it was like you know it was like women like fucking each other with like stiletto boots and like whipping men that kind of thing okay yeah there's a lot of that too and i never was popular ones are the dinosaur shit and it's

not even anthropomorphic one it's just nude ladies with dinosaurs whoa yes tell me more fuckasaurus they sell so much of it it it confuses me. Tyrannosaurus sex. They do like 14 alternate covers for each number, and it's all just different levels of dress. I feel like when people think of our podcast, they think of that two-second interlude that lun just did where he said he could not wait to say tyrannosaurus sex and then he burped real loud that that is us that is the quintessential chubby behemoth sound clip right there you guys couldn't see he was also

itching his armpit while he while he said it yeah who cares good point well actually you know who cares are the listeners they want to be able to see this stuff so yeah we're figuring it out we are i think we're going to start moving to a once a day schedule where we drive and meet each other halfway in colorado springs and we take over uhcker's dad's house, and we set up a studio in it, and we're going to start filming and putting this shit out online because that's what you guys want. And look, we want to keep ascending. Maybe that'll

be the way we get him into the fucking Patreon. Maybe we'll just reenact these comic books that Becker's talking about. What if we just started doing porno? You dressed up like a dinosaur and Lund nude on top of you.

That's why we need the Baco suit. Yes, that's why we need the Baco suit so it stays anonymous. You never know who's in the suit. It's like a big smelly felt glory hole. You never know who's in there. I've been laughing so hard about people thinking just because becker's not in the suit yeah it blowing their tiny minds like you with opposite day they can't they can't get over it it drives them insane yeah they fill up a chalkboard in the basement full of different theories. Ruins their marriage.

They poison their dog. Get away with it. The Baco defense. Your Honor, my client couldn't possibly be able to be tethered to reality when his mind was overcome by the inconsistencies and ins and outs of a of a bako universe if that's gonna be real where is god that's gonna be bobby's first landmark case is defending me versus colorado yeah it was becker people are like that's not true we saw becker we thought paco was real that's the ultimate crime you committed

he ruined our innocence took advantage of our naivete oh fuck what fun we got about 10 more minutes before we can land this thing so fellas i got some shit i'm gonna check becker's got something i've been like stress eating really bad lately and uh because of the project you're working on because of the project i'm working on i'm eating like extra trashy. Last night I had a full package of microwavable breakfast burritos and two boxes of Snickers ice cream bars. The four-pack or the eight-pack? The six-pack. I had 12. But the other night I went to Burger King

after having a very long day and i just wanted to eat enough to end my day and uh i got told no by the drive-thru person what yeah i pulled up and i ordered 10 junior whoppers and they literally responded through the thing they went really and i was like, yeah. And he's like, hold on. And then came back. He's like, I have seven. And I was like, well, then I'll take seven.

And they were like, fine. Second window. Dude, when you're bargaining with the drive-thru box, you really might just want to go back to heroin dude i know that i know it's not good and allegedly this is probably healthier behavior but come on man a teenager is telling you no it was worse it was like a 30 year old meth head who was upset with me because then when i got up to the window i was hoping it was going to be a teenager who just didn't understand but it was an older man with missing teeth it was the owner of the franchise and he's like look becker i don't like you you don't like me we've got to meet in the middle on this i'm boxo i ruined his night he was so audibly pissed through

the fucking speaker well when you get banned from that burger king the way you're gonna get back in is the bacco suit you pull up there and you're like hey what's up party people it's me the number one rock and roll turtle of southern colorado i gotta get back to the lair because we got a shred shredder but before i do i need some beef and bun nutrients and that's where you come in who wants to be bako's ally i need 10 junior whoppers and they're like they're like becker we know it's you and you're like you also know it's gonna be me who plants the bomb in the bathroom i like my terrorism like i like my beer. Domestic. Do you want to give me my fucking food?

Or do you want to make Oklahoma City look like a beach party? Just give Baca what he fucking wants and everyone gets to go home to their families. Rock-a-doodle. fucking once and everyone gets to go home to their families rock a doodle remember how i was actually pretty proud of us when the four of us uh went to the oklahoma city bombing memorial we did not giggle the whole time we were pretty good we were pretty good about taking it seriously and i mean how, how can, how can you, uh, not when there's all those tiny chairs,

but, uh, we, I was pretty proud of us. We definitely went across the street and made fun of the giant Jesus statue, but which was next to the Baphomet statue. Remember that they put in that Baphomet statue,

the church of Satan did. Yeah. Hell yeah. I just remember being so fucking just like swept up and blown away at just like the effect that one brave man can have on a city. He changed. He changed U.S. policy forever. He did. We became a better country due to one heinous act.

Well, you say heinous. I say patriotic you know um as we all know the tree of democracy is uh is watered with the blood of 135 children so still a free one huh yeah for sure i mean we're just having fun fun. There's nothing bad here. Nothing hurts in the pod. Yeah. Nothing hurts when Baco's here. Becker, so how did that interaction,

how did that exchange end with the 10 barter down to seven? Did you add on a few chicken sandwiches to make sure that you were going to finish the job? Yeah, trash bag full of onion rings. I just did the 7 Whoppers, and then I got two king-size regular not-ice cream Snickers bars on the way home. Wow.

Went to a second location. Well, I needed to go to the gas station anyway. Yes, needed to. That's the verb. My car is almost out of gas. It drinks. Go ahead. Finish your thought.

Your car what? It drinks. It drinks gas. Okay. I thought you were going to say the car drinks gas like you thought that's how cars lived. But no, okay. You haven't gone full Baco. No.

Yeah, dude. i don't know i uh i envy your ability to to cram and ram um and i don't want to cast dispersions on it i i think you need to stay out there staying weird staying wet well i got a new smart oven that'll cook all my food for me now because i've just been too lazy to cook okay so i'm pretty my food comes tomorrow and i'm very excited to get that going what do you mean yeah i don't know what you're talking about it's a it's like a you know you know the jetsons have that oven where they tell it what it wants and then it'd kick the shit out yeah yeah it's like that except i have to like put a pre-loaded pan of food in it but it no it's like a smart device and it's convection air frying baking steaming uh broiling you just you

just you just tell it what food you're making and then it does the right temperature and i scan the food and then it just does the whole thing what what the fuck yes you don't have to like stir or stand in front of a pot or do anything it just cooks the whole meal where did you get this the internet what's it what's it called tovala it's been out for like five years and now they're putting out full-size ovens but i got the countertop one because i'm just cooking for one so they gotta you have to subscribe to their food service in order to work their oven no it works with like most upcs it works on like most food huh that seems i'm surprised it's been a thing for five years that sounds futuristic as hell yeah lungs on the cutting edge of food tech like i did an ego in there yesterday before work just to see what it would

do it ruled it like air fried steamed and then baked my ego and it was like better than a waffle off my waffle iron oh holy shit all right so you're not completely insane yeah hopefully I'll turn this around this week I just you try to put in seven whoppers you dial it in and then it calls the cops

welfare check coming right up you're going to try and hack it like those guys with 3d printers who make guns you're gonna get put on a watch list oh man mr becker we can't make you seven whoppers it's just a different conversation with a different box how about four junior whoppers mr becker your smart watch tells us you have walked 14 steps today you may do not need the calories available in 14 Whoppers. Yeah, dude, I don't know.

I got an air fryer also like a week ago and it fucking rules. Yeah, it's the shit. I got an eggplant in there right now. I can't wait to end this pod and go scoop out the guts of that creamy, creamy eggplant. Nice. Yeah. I got a bunch of fucking cashew milk yogurt i'm gonna cram i got some

fried garbanzo beans oh my god i'm just ascending in front of you did you fry them up in the air fryer did you buy them pre-fried no no i cook everything i'm not how? The oven doesn't do it for you? No. Yeah. Believe it or not. Yeah. What a sucker. It makes sense for you, Becker. You're a man on your own with all your toys and figurines. And, you know, you just kind of put it in and cram. Yeah.

I just haven't had it in me in like two weeks. Well, because of your very secret project. Yeah. Yeah. My secret. Which has nothing to do with what Timothy McVeigh talked about. It's nothing. You haven't been going down to Elohim City in Oklahoma to talk to like-minded individuals.

It's nothing like that. It's just me looking at fabric swatches to pick out Baco's eye mask color. That's right. By the way, I'm thinking, what color are you thinking? I don't know. What do you think? Well, let's say on three. Let's say on three what color we would like Baco's eye mask color to be.

Ready? One, two, three. Green. Green. I'm around. Just green on green. Exactly. It's fucking Baco, dude.

It's hilarious. Well, I remember I said said green and you said camo and i couldn't decide which one i liked more camo would be hilarious but green is like i don't know bako's wearing tactical eye mask they'll never know it's me maybe the snow camo it's either it's either this is the situation we're in it's either like six thousand dollars to get a foam suit specially made laser measurements on becker from this guy i know in atlanta who will quote do it off the clock or nobody will there's not gonna be a serial number on this box exactly look I'll file off the serial number

I'm gonna 3d print this bitch offline yes or we just get the mascot mascots fast go org or whatever. But either way, we're going to have this suit made, and it'll be ready by August 20th, just in time for a certain someone's wedding. I can't wait. I can't wait either.

You have to bring Lund as your date so he can film it. I already have a date. Are you not invited, Lund? I have not been invited. I was invited, Lon? I have not been invited I was invited, but I'll be in Alaska So maybe I don't go You know where else I'm going to be, guys? I'm going to be in Steamboat Springs this weekend

At Schmiggety's, that's right Things are going well for Sam T No, I'm staying in state this week Oh yeah, this is a big one I'm at fucking number, number 38 in Denver, Colorado on this Thursday, the 28th. That's a big venue. Hopefully we can fill it up. Steamboat the 29th and 30th at Schmiggety's come on out to that. And then I will be in, you guessed it, West Virginia, everyone. I'll be at the cake shop or something like that in

Charleston, West Virginia the 4th. Planet of the Tapes the 5th and 6th of August in Louisville, Kentucky the 7th. I will be at 123 Pleasant Street in, you know where it is, Morgantown, West Virginia.

Alaska after that. Come on out to all those shows y'all number 38 the 20th would be cool i'm bringing patrick richardson up this weekend to schmiggety's and then danny mop and i'll be featuring for me out there in louisville kentucky samtalent.com has all your dates for the rest of the year lund anything you want them to know about yeah denver i'm coming up uh friday the 29th to uh do one of chris wellman's kink shows it's uh the naughty show there's gonna be a couple different uh rope based performances going on during the comedy we interact with them we riff on them what the fuck are you talking about are

you okay it's a kink show uh chris woman does a nude show and guess what god is real because i'm never gonna do that one so don't worry about that and then unless we get the bako suit big enough to fit you you just go up there with just the head that's the only way i would go nude yeah if i can have the safety net of a barco mask but no i don't know it's uh it sounds fun i think it's the name of the venue is studio friction uh it is yeah it's in the old dangerous theater right is that the same location i'm not sure yeah it's in like a fucking uh abandoned like storage center in like South Denver yeah I've got some promo I'll put it up on my Instagram but that is

Friday night it's a good lineup me Kate Strobel a few other funny comics are going to be a part of it so that's the next time I'll be out there and then August 12th is the next Lucha Libre and Laughs at the Oriental Theater me and Christy Bukley going to be calling the action,

unless I bump her. We have a new champion in Anaya, his second reign. And so we'll see what the fallout is from the previous event. They just had a couple of Taco Fest performances. I don't think any titles changed hands. So yeah,ust 12th another great lucha libre and laughs the best ones because sam won't be there i think the only fallout will be you complaining about how little you're paid to me in a text message that'll be

the fallout no triple l is great nick takes care of us now after several years of not after 10 years of being the entire fucking show he's making you know he's starting to he made it right that's good to hear and also like we keep saying becker's working on a secret project so if you want to send him some support uh mostly nipple pictures that would be nice join the patreon so becker can fucking focus on this project which is not at all is uh is a columbine-esque slaughter show. And samtalent.com, we love you. Patreon.com slash showybehemoth.

7-strong.com. 5% off. God is dead. Baco reigns. Chubby five.